#it's kinda wild to hear yr dad say he thinks you've been a very strong woman when youve only ever felt like a scared and weak little girl

[ayyponine]

anyway my dad has now also read the big pdf on abuse i sent him and i feel so valid??

im finally hearing both my parents say it’s outrageous my sister’s abuse went that far for so long without them seeing it and stepping in. i sort of started crying halfway through the conversation and said i still feel an enormous amount of guilt fr not being stronger in the past or the present (eg earlier this year, when ellen wanted to stay here over the summer –> my mom says she can’t stay at our house though for my sake and should see if she can stay at our dad’s or a friend’s place –> sister stays in mexico and is PISSED at mom fr choosing my side instead of hers –> refuses to speak to my mom for MONTHS meaning my mom cant talk to or even see her one grandchild on skype for months. all because i can’t get over the way she treated us and feel unable to let her back into the same house again). he said i really shouldnt, that he, my mom and especially my sister are to blame. fr yall dutch speaking ppl my mom said before that my sister altijd al heel egoïstisch geweest is, my dad today said shes meedoogenloos en rancuneus :)))) while ive been feeling weak and ashamed and guilty and disappointed w myself for years?? ive never felt this valid in my fucking life

did i mention hes going to mexico in october and he’s planning to give her a stern talking to :))) idk what to think abt it tho im like one half extremely anxious whatever he says will only make her angrier and feel more entitled to take it all out on me (i mean, the example above clearly shows that she thinks even now i am STILL a villain and everyone who’s even a bit considerate twrds me and what’s best fr my wellbeing deserves punishment). but im also one half 👀☕💁️👏👏 and finally feeling like

i mean i mentioned the thing abt her cutting contact w mom bc of choosing my side, plus i mentioned it’s hard fr me to be faced with her “happy new life w a guy and a kid in mexico live laugh love natural organic sunshine no stress xoxo :)” knowing it all started with mom and i being afraid to have her in the house (mom always getting just a bit anxious coming home frm work bc any day felt like it couldve been a day i unknowingly crossed a line to provoke another violent, possibly lethal outburst frm my sister) and agreeing to send her on a permaculture course across the atlantic to keep her happy and far away frm us, that she forced my mom to pay fr spontaneous spiritual trips she didnt have the dough for and my dad got angryyyy bc he didnt even know abt that shit :)) so it kinda feels like not only that ^ meme but also

just sort of spilling tea and sitting back as the shit she’s purposefully manipulatively done to me to wear me down finally boomerangs back to take its fucking toll on her. knowing she had it fucking coming while im finally starting to believe she has no business blaming me for her habitually shitty behaviour, that she needs to step the fuck up and take some of the fucking blame shes been deflecting because the shit SHES caused, her own words and actions, are bouncing back to bite her in the fucking ass.

one regret i do have is not adding photo proof of her being a dick even at a ridiculously young age bc at one point my dad was like “this has been going on for years, frm you were ten, eleven years old” so i wish i had preemptively added that shit as a title page image or smth. sort of like “hey anyway, check out this picture frm when she was seven and hating on her five yr old sister fr having a picture taken while it was HER first communion so i wasnt allowed to have anything :) remember we had to take it twice because she didnt want me to have anything so she stuck her hand out to ruin the shot :)) anyway”

another regret is not having found an even crazier picture. because i know theres a photo of me as a newborn being held by one of my family members while my sister just looks at me with an expression of clear and complete disgust. much like the pictures above we’ve always kind of laughed it off like “haha she really didn’t like her younger sibling taking the spotlight huh” and like it probably is just a kid being weird, we can’t say if even then, frm the start, she had decided just to fukn loathe me and it probably is just a weird and random but forgivable kid thing but damn if it isn’t poignant re: the slow build of dislike and bullying to me crashing bc of her complete hatred and long term abuse huh.