#it's just that my fam is planing a huge huge life project sort of deal that i have no hope for becaus ei'm a pessimist by nature
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#hello welcome ''it's midnight and angel is about to rant about something that nobody cares about nor should they!''#this time not even at midnight!!!#it's just that my fam is planing a huge huge life project sort of deal that i have no hope for becaus ei'm a pessimist by nature#i don't have hopes for the future. i barely have ambitions because of my lack of hope#and even the one ambition i do have i don't think it's gonna ever happen#as i say... no hope whatsoever#so this big project thingy that's gonna take so much time and so much money and so much hypotheticals...#it's not something i believe it's going to ACTUALLY happen#which sucks big time because i would love for it to happen#but my mom is a more hopeful person. stronger mentally and just not depressed like i am lol#so she's very much excited and planning and looking things up and telling me about it and just generally getting a bit ahead in my opinion#(but that's probably the pessimism talking)#anyways... she managed to sort of get ME going now and i got my hopes up a little bit#i could maybe potentially one day have something i really really want and been wanting since i was a child but never hoped to get#(you see. my lack of hope is not something new lol)#anyways we had a chat yesterday and i got waay too ahead of myself with my expectations and today it all went into the drain#because actually that big thing that was specifically for me? the one thing that actually made me excited? yeah that can't be actually...#and what sucks the most about this whole situation is that i like being pessimistic sometimes because i don't get disappointed#if i'm expecting everything to go wrong i'll either be right or be pleasantly surprised#so i'm so so angry at myself that i let the excitment filter through and then immediatley after got the dissapointment of a fucking lifetime#so now i not only feel sad i also feel so stupid#so anyways everything sucks and i was right in having no hope and no expectations#(also sorry to make a public rant and make it very vague#it's just that i don't even want to mention it in case it goes through my barriers again and i get more disappointments)#anyways i'm going to bed now#angel talks#personal
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