#it's just so expensive to go to Germany especially considering I'd then go back to live there in autumn

[boneless-mika]

Oh, ATEEZ coming to Europe in January - February and the U.S. is getting summer. So unfair (happy for u guys tho since it's been a while since they were there last)

[msfbgraves]

Tag Game

Got tagged by @amorphousgenderlesscryptid and @puella-peanut in two tag games with some overlapping questions, so I am sharing the two. Thank you and excuse the delay; the reasons I take very long to answer tag games is that I almost exclusively use Tumblr on mobile and that isn't ideal for things like this. But I enjoy them so I've started up the laptop!

First ever ship: I was so conventional when I first started shipping at thirteen or so. I took the ships that were given me and what fodder the magazines would give me to indulge them with. I never even considered alternatives, honestly, we had dial-up internet that was hella expensive to use, what was I going to do, read fanfic and explain the bill? Yeah, no. So my first ship was: Romeo & Juliet, from the Baz Luhrmann movie. "My only love sprung from my only hate", gah, in English I did not understand even with the subtitles, which I also didn't understand, it was deliciously complicated, which I had no idea would become something I am attracted to.

Last song: It's All Coming Back to Me Now, Celine Dion

Last film: Knives Out, to better appreciate the Glass Onion on my dash. Good film that took an hour to get interesting to me, so if not for Tumblr, I would have stopped. That one's on you.

Currently watching: I'd watch Slow Horses series 2, if getting a better vpn to pirate with wasn't still on my to do list.

Currently consuming: Tea, I think it is ceylon?

Currently craving: I just ate, so not food, though, very deep, direction in my life.

Currently reading: A backlog of so many Saturday editions of De Volkskrant newspaper. You do learn new things, although why people need a 5 page article to come to the conclusion that young people without prospects, going to underfunded schools, living in bad houses and getting discriminated every time they are trying to get out of these conditions are gasp more prone to radicalisation and the violence that comes with it is, I mean - sometimes I really feel that people are emotional morons. How is this possibly news. Everyone who cares even a little must sense this, if they haven't yet had it confirmed? The Science page is cool though, if hard for me to get through, I understand so little of it. Also the book tips.

3 ships

Cherik

Underrated little thing I love about sweet Cherik: they're so European! I can lampoon all my German and British relatives through them, indulge writing a little German that is critically not about Germany (because I do not live there, actually). Why are there no Dutch mutants, though. Really why. I need to write somebody from either the Holland region who feels right at home with the supposedly rude New Yorkers or someone from Twente who is critically out of their depth in America and curls up with Kurt to watch football although Kurt is German and that has some trauma attached but at least they know at what time you are supposed to serve coffee, and not that Starbucks stuff. (Which is not to say many people from Twente would not love city life. Yet, people who stay to make a life in Twente often do so because metropolitan life is the antithesis of what they value and enjoy).

Silverusso

I started 2022 with the words "Hold up, new fucked up ship just dropped!" It has been a ride, and it introduced me to the potentially even more fucked up - though I do hope for everyone involved never actually realised! - 'ship' that is Cuba and his Teddy Bear. But oh, Terry. I am just so incredibly in awe of how he came to Cobra Kai and made everything about it fit him. If you know how much of the OG cast struggles with the writers' takes on the material, and not only did Thomas make the evolution of Terry from TKK3 to Cobra Kai seamless, Silverusso gives Cobra Kai, and especially Daniel in Cobra Kai, the hook to even make sense: Daniel/Amanda, Daniel's visceral reaction to Cobra Kai, Daniel's darker side (always on display), and of course Ralph has played that since the beginning but you need a knowledge of Terry to completely see what they have been building up to. And then of course the rapport between the Cobra Husbands, giving Marty a new angle as Kreese. Thank you, thank you Sir!

Gradence

Can be this:

Or this:

Even murkier than Silverusso when I want darkness and messed up dynamics, but gives you licence to go adorable with them without the danger of oocness because you have complete freedom to decide who the character of Percival Graves actually is. The only one we spend time with in the movie, after all, is his impersonator. Also, no new canon to mess things up anymore, which is great for me as I lack the ability to ignore canon. It always has to come back into my fic some way, which is very bothersome when, again, the canon writers do not actually care about anything but status and money.

[shinra-makonoid]

Hey, what do you think of the events so far concerning the trans community?

As a trans man I really feel guilt for being associated with that. I'm not in anyway defending or supporting the anti-LGBT or radical feminist way of thinking, but just recently I've gone through a few old blogs (you also used to argue with sometimes) and that I used to follow and just see how much their opinion changed negatively towards transsexuality. 

And with the amount of "receipts" I don't blame that. The post about "gulags" , the insane packers for babies shop, assault charges against "trans" people (for me seemlingy obvious posing as trans... but then they rightfully raise the question "who can tell anymore?" because although I hated how long and expensive the ID change was it is a burden that could discourage imitators to use it).

More and more it feels like this is already a lost cause. I know you don"t believe in nb. I don"t either. But partly this subgroup, the amount of people who pressure non-trans people to consider them as dating material, or requiring them to address them with neo pronouns or always - changing pronouns, etc... The list of unreasonable requests go on an on and I hate to be associated with that. 

Especially now with the rising disapproval of transsexuality in the US. I mean I'm not an american, I live in Germany but just hearing the news of this "don't say gay bill" and how easy protection laws were changed just scares me. 

Do you ever feel like this and if so how do you deal with that? 

And did any of that stuff ever made you feel guilty of being trans? Because I can't help but feel awful that I want to transition. Even though I feel so much better since I started 2019. I'd even say I'm in a good place for once. After the mastectomy my dysphoria decreased considerably. And even though I'm a little scared of it, I could not be happier that the date for my hysterectomy / metaidoioplasty will soon be announced. But at the same time the stuff some people say about it or I think of myself along the lines "it's unnecessary, just accept it, you're taking ressources away" although ridiculous it hurts.

And I feel especially guilty since when I came out to my family they were for the most part surprisingly supportive (even my father though he probably doesn't believe/really accept it but just wants to be liked by the rest of my family). And my aunt "inspired" by me came out as intersex, thinking I was similar. And that's an added guilt because she was asking about if I did a test and I had to explain the difference between trans and intersex, which I think she understood but like comparing the two and hearing her hardships in life (growing up with it in soviet union with that condition) made me feel like it's not justified to pursue it even though I know it helped me so far and I didn't regret it in a physical/ emotional sense at all.

I'm sorry for that huge ask, I just need some advice on that if you have any

Hi,

It's interesting because recently I saw a video about TERFs in France and it almost made me consider going back on Twitter to watch what was really happening in France in that side, because unfortunately you cannot see it anywhere else on the internet. I talked about a lot about my views, my old views, my more recent but still old views, my less old views, and my views now, and I feel like I did a complete 360° by trying to figure out what was right and what wasn't.

I'll try to reply in chronological order from your message so it's a bit constructed:

I do feel cringe when I hear people who don't know I'm trans, talking about trans stuff. It really tenses me up because I'm not really sure what they're going to say about it, and what it means when they seem to parrot some GC stuff. I do feel guilt, ashamed mostly, when I see that whenever I'll see a doctor about anything, I will be "trans" first, and that means there's "something wrong with me" especially with my ever growing distrust of the psychiatry field. I don't really feel any of that withthe "LGBT community", because I don't feel like I'm a part of it in any way. I don't feel connected to the group, even though I know I have in common with LGBT people and that probably nobody will defend me more than fellow LGBT people. So I'm "associated with it" but I don't feel associated with it. I think I got told too much that I was "unlike other LGBT people" because I "could" discuss things out, and how much I can disagree with "common" LGBT beliefs. I also think TERFs telling me repeatedly that I'm not actually LGB because I'm a straight woman didn't help either. I don't feel like I have the cultural baggage for being part of the "LGBT community" even though I de facto am because I'm trans. So any amount of "receipt" don't really make me feel included, I suppose.

There's another thing I think that is important in regards to "receipt". The way it's spinned to make trans people look bad is pure bigotry. If you look on the internet, you can find countless "receipt" of homeless people who will act out, scam, hurt, do horrible things to children, kill, rape, etc… Does that mean that homeless people are inherently incapable of doing good things and that because some of them do, then we shouldn't help them in any way? No amount of people who "do bad things" will justify hating that group of people. They deserve help and care. We do too. I don't think it matters if there's like 30%, or even 70% of people who do bad things to others from a minority group, it doesn't excuse hurting, insulting or excluding them from society in any way. When I was struggling with GC ideas and seeing all those receipts, I kept thinking of my best friend who's a trans woman, who sheltered me so I wouldn't be homeless and who supported me, and helped me much more than any so called feminists ever did. Even if 99.99999% of trans women were doing bad things all the time, just because SHE wouldn't, I wouldn't start hating on that group of people ever, because she is a part of it and she deserves the world.

The same goes for non-binary. Even though I don't believe in it, people who identify as non-binary still exist, and I have such friends even though we wouldn't agree on those theories. So the same stuff apply. Even if 99.99999% of non-binary people were jackasses pain in the ass, because those friends are dear to me and deserve the world, I will not hate on non-binary people, and they don't do all of that shit. You don't have to be associated with it either, you don't have to say you're trans if you're passing, and you don't have to make unreasonable demand. I've never seen anyone who knew about my trans status thinking I had anything in common with a very prominent non-binary person who became a lolcow in France because of how dumb he was with his demands and constantly offended by people assuming his gender.

In France I don't feel very scared, I admit. I see politics, and I can see the rising of anti-trans debates in France -at least on Twitter, and I'm aware that it will probably have a ripple effect from the UK anti-trans movement mostly, and all it does it making me want to fight them just like I fought them before, using arguments, trying to poke holes in their ideas, showing that it didn't make any sense. Unfortunately because of my views I don't really contact any trans association, but I would probably if it escalate to the political side, because I don't think people would mind my views, if I was standing next to them for the same rights as them.

I used to feel ashamed that the "trans community" was like this, but now I don't. Whether I'm truly a part of the LGBT community or not, whether I would be accepted by my peer or not, I do stand by them and for them and I want the same thing as they do. If someone's gaze tries to make me feel guilt about being part of the "trans community" and guilt for being in the same "team" as ""the worst people"" on the planet, then I will show them that they're wrong, that we, as people, are as colorful as any other minority. That we have beliefs, thoughts, desires, that are all different from one another, that we're more than just "trans", that we're not solely defined by that trait. And you're aren't either. Being trans feels like overpowering and all consumming especially in regards to dysphoria, but it really is actually just a tiny bit of our daily life. There are many accomplishments that I did that have absolutely nothing to do with me being trans, and I'm sure you did too. So there's nothing to feel guilt about. You're not responsible of others people's wrongdoings, you're responsible for your life and your accomplishments. Even if you were the only trans person on the planet who was doing good things, trans people as a group would still deserve care and acceptation in society. I'm not sure if what I'm saying does make any sense but I'm not sure how to actually convey what I want to say.

In any case, you're not taking ressources away for your surgeries, you need them to feel better in your skin. It's always like, that sweater that you have, that is on your skin, but constantly itching you all day everyday in your whole life. It makes you go mad, it hurts, it's itchy, it's uncomfortable all the time even in your sleep. Is it "taking ressources away" if you need someone to help you removing it? No, then you'll be without that awful sweater, and you'll feel like some weight has been lifted. You don't constantly think about your sweater anymore, you don't feel itchy and you don't get mad because of it anymore. You're more comfortable in your life without that sweater. I feel like being trans is like this a bit when you transition. Suddenly, with HRT for example, life is easier in your own skin, it doesn't feel itchy all over all the time. I think it's the same for surgeries, and I think it's worthwhile to seek them. Making your life more comfortable isn't a bad reason for surgery, this is what medcine is for!

For your aunt, I think you did inspire her. Even if it's different, you being so brave did inspire her to show a bit of her and talk about something that is deeply personal that she probably wanted people to know about. I struggle with this too but, just because "someone has it worse" doesn't mean you shouldn't have care and be comfortable in your life and skin. You deserve care, acceptance and being comfortable in your life. As they say, you're valid.