#it's just lucky i had basic bitch depression and also 0 bad reaction to the first antidepressants i tried

[idontknowiknow]

i have absolutely no idea what my brain makes of my extremely sporadic taking of antidepressants. i’m sure my doctor would be horrified but like! i told them all this would happen. it always does. even when it means i’m bleeding at random or whatever. cannot take meds reliably long term. probably taking a bit of one every few days at irregular intervals is worse than just committing to not taking them anymore; just constantly messing my brain chemistry around; but it’s like 10mg i guess. idk frankly i feel 0 difference these days whether i’ve missed a bunch or not. it used to be reasonably obvious; i’d just be like ‘why do i feel terrible???? oh.... haven’t taken a pill for a few days’ but now i’m just chill most of the time. which is good! i know that this is partly because i changed some external factors ie i got a different job. which, that’s still stressful, and i’m still learning things and i worry about performance a lot still, so again probably not a great idea to give up on my meds entirely. but i’m no longer working with a bully (pretty much if i knew i was going to be working with him it would be a reminder to take my meds lol...) and also don’t have to deal with powerlines so life’s pretty good.

(why did i ever think that was a good idea! i finally got an official warning from electrical safety victoria due to my fuckup that time. woo, straight to the pool room... i got it and felt like a TERRIBLE FAILURE all over again, except then i remembered that actually i did deal with it, because going ‘actually i hate this and don’t want to be in this situation anymore’ and getting out of that situation IS a valid way to make sure i’m safe around powerlines. don’t worry esv! i’m gone! i’m out of there! we don’t have to deal with my bad situational/spatial awareness anymore! first step of OHS is elimination so. done. eliminated that danger from my life. ironically the other month i climbed a tree on my own time and uhhhh there were powerlines again and im like.... this is definitely not what i should be doing. of all the trees to climb jfc)

anyway i took my meds today but when did i last take them??? there’s just no knowing (lauren reminded me yesterday but i immediately forgot about it i think) basically i should go to the doctor and ask for an official opinion on whether to stop, except every single time i do this they say ‘it’s TERRIBLE for you to miss your meds all the time! DON’T DO THAT’ which, as stated, I KNOW, and then they go ‘well if you’re feeling consistently fine then sure probably you don’t need to be on them.’ so blegh