#it's just ive been so angry and low energy and pissed off by everything all the time that ive been distancing myself

[lightnersdream]

[megalony]

The affair- Part 3

Another part of my new Roger Taylor series, thank you to everyone for the lovely feedback it means a lot.

Permanent taglist: @marshmallowmae @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly

Series taglist: @bohemiansweede @killerqueenbucky @borhapqueen92

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

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Roger's eyes burned wilder than the sun as he dared not shift his gaze away from the hand that was clasped in his own. His spine was burning with the desire to move but the drummer would not budge. His body was half stooped over like he was leaning over a paper he was writing. The lights in the room were making his headache worse and the morphine was now burnt out of his system but none of that mattered.

Roger was waiting like a ticking time bomb for the inevitable to happen. Just over an hour he had been sat here but what he was expecting to happen had not yet happened which was a good thing and yet Roger couldn't seem to be grateful about it.

The moment the nurse had told them that (Y/n) was out of surgery, Roger had demanded that she take out his Iv drips and untangle him from the machines, less she should want him to scramble away and tangle them up. He had no intentions of lying there like a sitting duck waiting to be shot again when (Y/n) was lying unconscious in another room. Brian and the nurse had held most of Roger's weight to let his weak form go down the corridor into (Y/n)'s room. They had sat him down in the uncomfortable leather chair beside her bed and left him to his own devices for a while. John had stayed up until about ten minutes ago when he went to ring his parents and update them. Freddie had said he needed to retire for the night but would be back first thing in the morning. And Brian had also had to go to his family who were distraught after hearing the news.

It was splashed all over the headlines. Queen concert cancelled, fans escorted off the premises and advised to go straight home. Security everywhere as an individual with a gun gets backstage and shoots Roger Taylor and (Y/n) Deacon. Brian had rung his family to inform them that he was fine but needed to stay at the hospital and now he had to go home and comfort them.

John had called Veronica but he wasn't going home yet, he couldn't leave his sister when her condition was far from stable. The bassist was also waiting for Andrew, her fiance- or rather ex-fiance- to turn up so he could be informed of the situation, he was a few hours away so he should be arriving by now. John was dreading that conversation because there was no possible way it could go anywhere but downhill. How was John meant to inform the man he didn't know all too well that his girlfriend had been shot, she had decided to end her engagement to him and that she was pregnant with someone else's child. Less he forget to inform Andrew that (Y/n) had cheated on him for quite some time too.

Over the hour that John had sat in his sister's room with one of his best friends, he calmed down immensely. John couldn't deny the way Roger was so tentative around her, he looked like he wanted to ask permission to hold her hand even though she was unconscious. He kissed the back of her hand so gently as if he could break her. He said nothing yet he seemed to be saying something with his eyes.

Roger had tried to protect her and John was going to be forever grateful for that because although she had gotten hurt, Roger had clearly saved her from worse damage. The drummer was John's best friend and he could see that his sister meant more to Roger than anyone he had ever seen the drummer with. How could he be angry at the drummer or his sister when there was clearly something between them?

All the commotion left Roger sitting alone in (Y/n)'s room, his good hand entwined with her limp one as his other hand was immobile whilst in the sling.

Roger's foot began to tap against the tiled floor from the adrenaline coursing through him, trying to take away the pain in his shoulder since the morphine was no longer there to do that for him. He also needed an outlet for the sudden burst of energy that he had required. Waiting was never something Roger found he was good at and he didn't want to be here like this. The only time Roger wanted to be at the hospital holding (Y/n)'s hand was for their child being born and somehow he knew that was not happening.

The nurse's words rattled around in his head on a loop that he could not break no matter how hard he tried. The bullet had been removed, the internal and external bleeding in (Y/n)'s system had been stopped and she had been given blood for her blood loss.

She hadn't lost the baby- yet.

Roger did biology, he didn't need the nurse to tell him what he already knew. He had seen the blood loss with his own eyes and had tried to stop it with his own hands. (Y/n) had been shot, her system damaged and her blood leaving her system. It was simply a matter of time before her body realised it couldn't cope with trying to create a new life that hadn't even started yet. There had been no reason for the doctor's to perform an abortion during the surgery because the baby wasn't threatening her life like it could have been. But Roger had been told (Y/n)'s injuries were serious enough for her body to miscarry because it wouldn't be able to handle trying to sustain their baby when she was in shock and damaged like this.

It would be common for (Y/n)'s body to miscarry now whilst she was rather unstable. Her heartbeat was fluctuating and not able to even out, her blood pressure was rather low and she was dosed up on painkillers. As well as another medication to try and help her stomach since part of it had been taken out with the bullet before being stitched up.

Turning his head tiredly to the left to look at the door, Roger heard raised voices that he didn't recognise. He could vaguely see the bodyguards at the door moving so it showed they must be talking to someone. Maybe it was a reporter, maybe a fan or a friend. Roger had been rather rude to the men standing at the door, telling them not to let anyone but the band in the room 'if they could manage that' since they had let him and (Y/n) get shot.

Looking back to (Y/n), Roger knew she wouldn't be waking up anytime soon due to the anaesthetic and the morphine she was on. He tiredly stood to his feet, his legs finally having more use and control as Roger leaned over to press his lips to (Y/n)'s temple as delicately as butterfly wings grazing her skin. Mumbling that he wouldn't be long which would mainly be because he didn't have the will or energy to stand for much longer as he was lacking sleep. Stumbling over to the door, Roger tiredly opened it with his right hand, pushing himself out and closing the door behind him as his eyes widened.

Andrew.

Obviously, he was not a member of the band and therefore had been told he was not allowed in the room, no matter who he was.

Roger's eyes wildly ran around the corridor, trying desperately to find John so he could help him even though he didn't deserve any help. Roger had been the cause of this situation, he was the reason Andrew was going to find out that (Y/n) had cheated on him and wanted to call off their engagement. He deserved to tell Andrew and come clean.

"Roger, right?" Andrew questioned, a certain look in his eyes as he was pleading for help Roger was not going to give. The man in front of him was undoubtedly going to be pissed when he was told what had happened and Roger didn't want him going in to see (Y/n) if he was angry or mad with her. "I'm Andy, (Y/n)'s boyfriend... these guys won't let me in. I'm not a bloody threat I want to see her." The drummer rubbed at the back of his head as he nodded to the men beside him to take a walk a little way down the corridor to give them some space.

"No one but the band are allowed in."

"What? Oh come on! Where's John, I'm not a threat for fuck's sake. What happened, I heard so much shit on the way down... d-did she really get shot?" His voice went from full of anger and annoyance to breaking with worry in such a jump Roger had to think if he had imagined it or not.

Of course, the media had decided to play it up a bit. Some of them were saying even Brian, John and Freddie had got shot, some were saying no one got shot. Roger had heard that one of the tabloids and the paparazzi were saying that he himself had died from his wound which was utter bullshit. They made up anything and everything to create a moral panic but they didn't think what that would do for the victims family. Clearly, Andrew was worried about what had happened because he didn't know who to believe and that was worse for (Y/n)'s parents. They had both John and (Y/n) to think about and John couldn't call them until two hours or so after the incident so they would have heard all sorts until he rang to calm them down.

"Y-yeah... she got shot in the stomach, they did surgery a few hours ago but she isn't stable yet. Listen, this is the worst timing I know believe me... but (Y/n) was going to give you this when she next saw you." Dumping his hand into his back pocket, Roger held onto the slippery silver engagement ring that John had thrown back at him earlier. Roger wasn't going to lead Andrew on and let him sit by (Y/n)'s side thinking that she still loved him or that things were going to be fine between them. He wasn't sure if that was him being selfish, especially with the timing, but Roger couldn't care less.

Right now (Y/n) was still in danger and he wasn't sitting with Andrew at her bedside, he would be fine with the boys but not him. That was probably selfish but Roger had so much guilt and love rattling through him that he would explode in a bad way if Andrew was inside with him.

A frown pulled at Andrew's lips when he took the ring from Roger. He recognised it immediately as the one he had picked out, not even knowing that it was just a tad too large to stay on (Y/n)'s finger properly. The band would swirl around her finger in the wrong kind of way and she had to be careful not to lose it. It got to a point that when she wasn't around Andrew or when she was with Roger, the band would pop into her handbag and be forgotten for a few hours.

"Why was she giving me this? And why the hell do you have it, it's her engagement ring." The worry was gone from his tone and the anger was bubbling to the surface as he demanded an answer from the blond stood in front of him. He didn't know that he was going to get a lot more than he bargained for here.

"She didn't want to be with you anymore... I think you can probably guess why I have it, doesn't take much working out really."

Roger's head turned to the left when he noticed John out the corner of his eye. The bassist frowning as he picked up the pace to reach the two men stood in front of him outside his sister's room. It didn't take much mental power here to work out that Roger meant more to (Y/n) than she had let on. Clearly, he wouldn't have the ring if he didn't mean a lot to her for her to tell him first before Andrew that she was leaving him. The realisation dawned on his face just as John reached them.

"Tell me it isn't true." His tone was low as his eyes seemed to darken ten shades as he looked to John for confirmation. John was known for telling the truth or saying things how they were, he would never lie about something like this especially not since it was involving his little sister.

His little sister who he felt he didn't know as well anymore. John couldn't fathom how she never told him that she was secretly seeing Roger or that she loved him. He couldn't understand how both of them had not told him. The fact that (Y/n) had not broken off her engagement before now sent John's head spinning and the knowledge that she didn't tell him she was pregnant made him feel faint. This was not how things were meant to turn out and he didn't like the way everything was mushing together and casting a thick fog over them all. He wanted to have his vision restored again, he wanted things to go back to normal but their version of normal was now going to be changed.

"I... I'm sorry... she didn't tell me how long..." John pointed to Roger, indicating that he didn't know how long Andrew had been strung along. "I only just found out about the baby-" The bassist cut himself short when he realised he had said more than Andrew had been informed about.

Roger's eyes widened as he tipped his head back. Clearly, Andrew hadn't known about that because he would have hit the roof and then Roger if he did know which now he did. Locking eyes with one of the security guards, Roger tipped his head to signal for them to come back before he slipped into the room. Roger didn't have the time nor the energy to be the one to explain that Andrew was not going to be a father like he would clearly think at first. Being a father was not in their of their futures and Roger knew that from the moment the bullet hit (Y/n). He was waiting for the news to tell him that his child had been lost but the longer he waited the worse he felt rather than feeling better.

The drummer tried very hard to block out the sudden raised voices that sent shivers up his spine. He felt awful. First, he had told John in the worst way possible about his sister's cheating, then about her pregnancy all in the same day that she had been shot. Now he had left John to fight his own battle and defend him because he couldn't be bothered with it all.

Their voices didn't last too long as Roger guessed Andrew was begin escorted away.

Reaching out his good hand, Roger very lightly placed his palm to (Y/n)'s stomach, his eyes snapping closed at the memory of how she had done the same hours earlier in his arms. He could see the blood dripping from her fingernails and marking her shirt that had done nothing to protect her stomach or their child. He could feel the way his fingertips had grazed along her hand as if trying to feel for a connection to their baby before he tried to stop the blood loss which had been his main priority.

"I... I'm sorry." His eyes glanced up to (Y/n)'s sleeping form as he felt the tears falling. "I'm so sorry sweetheart." He wanted nothing more than to reverse time so he could take that second bullet. He would let it pierce his heart instead of his stomach if it would have saved the two lives he was so frightened to lose.

Roger had pushed her behind him with the intent to stop her from getting hurt but it did nothing. If he could only have kept her safe behind him, if he could have made them go the other way or stay in the dressing room for that minute longer they wouldn't be here now.

The drummer said nothing when John reentered the room a few minutes later, he left his hand resting on her stomach as John tried to overlook the endearing action for fear of breaking down in sobs. Roger let his thumb graze across her stomach over the rather itchy fabric of the sheet draped over her. Trying his best to feel for the ever so slight bump like a bump in the road. He knew it was there, he had noticed it a few days ago and hadn't been able to stop the smile that had taken over his features. Now the thought only brought tears to his eyes that he couldn't swallow down.

A strangled sound left Roger's lips as his hand bolted back to his side when the heart rate monitor scared the flesh from his bones. His eyes darting to look at it, seeing that (Y/n)'s heartbeat was dropping below sixty as her breathing seemed to stutter through the tube that was feeding her oxygen.

John had never seen such an expression that Roger wore the exact moment his eyes noticed the small patch of blood seeping onto the pearl white material of the sheets. His jaw seemed to push upwards to the point it should have broken through his skull. His eyes popping out from their sockets but they seemed distant like he was staring at something out of a daydream that he didn't like or didn't recognise anymore.

"I knew it." The words were venom on Roger's tongue that quietly yet forcefully pushed through his lips.

The drummer had told John. He had told him that this was going to happen no matter how many times John told him to try and be positive, to think that since (Y/n) hadn't lost the baby yet maybe she wouldn't now. But Roger wasn't one to have false hope nor did he encourage it. He felt it in his heart that he was not going to be a dad, he knew his child wasn't going to be brought into this world and none of them had believed him. They thought he was either high or traumatised and therefore was speaking nothing of truth but Roger had been right.

The waiting game had stopped now because he was seeing what he had been waiting for. He was seeing (Y/n) state get worse as her body knew it needed to sacrifice their child for her recovery. She wasn't well enough to cope with a baby and Roger had done this because he hadn't protected them both.

"I've lost them."

[presleepthoughts]

How about a spider Beca au? For bechloe?

I literally have had this draft on my computer for over a year now. Didn’t plan on releasing it until I completed it but if you’d like to read it, here it is 😬😀

I planned this to be multi-chapter fanfic so there’s not much Bechloe in the first chapter so excuse me 😂 

If you don’t like it, we can just pretend it never happened. 

but if you are interested in more, just let me know and I’ll show you the rest.

Powerless - Chapter 1

Sheflexed her muscles trying to break out of the straps that trapped her limbsdown on the bed. A middle-age man stood beside her in a white lab coat with aneedle in his hand filled with blue liquid. Beca’s eyes widened in panic and fearas she struggled to fight for her freedom. She couldn’t go through this again.This was the fifth time this week.

“Subjectis ready for the injection. Third attempt. 5-milliliter dosage.” He listed hisactions as he grabbed Beca’s IV tube and placed the needle inside, pushing theliquid into her veins.

Becapanted, preparing her body and mind for the virus to hit her immune system. Shefelt the pain slowly spread through her forearm all the way to the top of hershoulder and her body shot down. She started shaking violently, trashing backand forth as the venom spread through her body. Her body was rigid to the pointwhere she feared her spine was going to snap at any moment.

Unbearablepain attacked her heart and she let out a scream.

Thedoctor observed her reaction, ready to step in at any moment. “Her heart rate’sincreasing. Vitals are low.” He watched her heart monitor as it started to beepfrequently. “We’re losing her.”

Anautomatic voice rang through the room from the speakers. “Give it a minute.”

Thedoctor obeyed and stayed put. Beca felt tears sliding down her cheeks becauseof the pain that she was powerless to stop. Her eyes rolled back into her headas her body finally lost the battle and she fainted. Her heart monitor sloweddown to normal rate.

“Thirdattempt failed. Subject unconscious.”

Thedoor opened suddenly and another professor walked in. “Give me the chart.” Hedemanded and flipped through the pages, mumbling under his breath. “It’s stillmissing something. But what?”

Hesighed and took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes. “I need to go back to thelab. When is she gonna wake up? We need to keep trying.”

“Shecan’t take anymore. Her heart is going to fail and she’ll die. She needs therest.” The doctor said, releasing her wrists from the handcuffs. “Let’scontinue tomorrow when she’s recovered.”

“Fine.”The professor said nonchalantly and disappeared through the door.

Shewoke up in a white room the next morning, vision slightly blurred. She scannedaround her and glanced down her arm, finding three glowing red dots on herwrist. She sighed; she’ll have a hard time covering them up. It’s no wonder whyeverybody in school thought she was a drug addict.

Carefullysitting up, she grabbed her phone from the bedside table and checked the time.School started in an hour. She needed to get going if she wanted to be on time.

Shegathered her strength and pushed herself off the bed and immediately grabbedher stomach, feeling the nausea coming full force. She reached for the emptybucket placed beside her bed and dry heaved for a couple of minutes. She hadn’teaten since yesterday morning when she was whisked away to the lab.

Dr.Harris peaked his head through the door.

“CanI come in?”

Becagroaned in pain as another wave rolled through her body. The doctor took thatas a ‘yes’ and walked inside with a clipboard.

“Howare you feeling? Aside the nausea. Headaches? Pain in the limbs?” He scrabbleddown something on the paper, unconcerned about the girl on the floor.

“What’s– what’s happening?” Beca weekly coughed out, finally able to take a breath as herstomach relaxed.

“Yourimmune system is trying to reject the venom but it is too powerful. So, theonly other way to get rid of it is by vomiting. It’s natural. You should befine once every drop of toxic left your body.”

Becawanted to snicker and throw something at him but she opted to use that energyto stand up slowly. “How many times?” She asked exhaustedly.

Withoutany context the doctor understood her. “3. It wasn’t safe for us to continuewith the treatment.”

Us. Beca shook her head with alifeless smile. Like she wasn’t the one who almost died yesterday. “That mustbe a record.”

“Hesent me to examine you and determine when are you ready for the next trial.”

Becacollapsed down on the bed. “Great. Awesome. Can you hurry up because I have togo to school.”

Becahurried down the corridor as fast as her body allowed her. The check-up ranlater than she thought and she missed the school bus, making her walk fifteenminutes to the school. Normally it wouldn’t be a problem but she still felt theeffect of yesterday, heavily in her body.

Shetucked down her sweatshirt to cover her wrist and knocked on the classroomdoor. Mrs. Andrews looked at her pointedly but continued the lecture, allowingBeca to slip in the back row without a verbal confrontation. Dropping her bagon the ground, she pulled out a notepad and a pen, blinking rapidly to not fallasleep.

Aftercopping down everything on the board, Beca quickly became bored. Twirling thepen between her thumb and index finger, she looked around the classroom. It wasfilled with the almost entire football team, including the cheerleaders aswell. Beca saw two IT kids from the Tech Club and two lead singers in DramaClub. Front and center sat the cheerleader captain, Aubrey Posen and her secondin command Chloe Beale.

Becatilted her head in wonder.

WhileAubrey embodied every single stereotype of a cheerleader, Chloe was different. Becanoticed her talking to strangers nicely, treating everybody with respect andkindness.

“Ms.Mitchell, you were late and now you don’t even pay attention to the lesson.”Mrs. Andrews’ voice rang out loud, shocking Beca out of her thoughts.

“I’msorry, Mrs. Andrews. I’m listening.” Beca spoke out, shrinking in her seat asthe classroom turned to her. She briefly caught Chloe’s ocean blue eyes beforethe cheerleader turned back around.

“Wonderful.As I was saying…”

Afterthat Beca tuned out, slowly progressing to lay her head down on her desk. Shefought to keep her eyes open but were unable to and she fell asleep.

Theschool bell woke her up violently as she swung her head up and saw peoplegathering their stuff and leaving the classroom.

“Ms.Mitchell, a word please.” Mrs. Andrews’ were sitting at her desk, staring atBeca disapprovingly.

Fuck.

Staciewere waiting for her outside the room, leaning against the wall.

“Whattook you so long?” Stacie questioned, holding her books to her chest.

Becashowed her the pink note in her hands with the words DETENTION splattered onit. Stacie winced as they made their way to the next class that they shared.

“Ouch.What did you do? Mrs. Andrews is really cool usually. It’s hard to piss heroff.”

“Well,I succeeded apparently. I ran late, didn’t pay attention and to top it all off,I fell asleep.” Beca listed bitterly, coming up to her locker. “It’s a miracleshe didn’t send me to the principle.”

Thelast thing she needed was her father to be called in school. She shuddered justthinking about it.

“Whathappened yesterday that made you so tired?” Stacie’s mouth opened wide. “Didyou pick up some hot girl? Oh, tell me everything. I wanna hear all about it.With details.”

Becasnickered as she opened her locker and pulled her history book out. “Like Icould do that. Please. I’m the only lesbian in this school. Who would I pickup?”

“Justbecause they are not out, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t any girl to choosefrom. Believe me, you are not the only one. Plus, it’s a small town, noteverybody is as brave as you.” Stacie stated shrugging.

“Yousure do know a lot about closeted lesbians here. Are you trying to tell mesomething?” Beca smirked jokingly and Stacie rolled her eyes.

“Please,you know I fell in love with people. Not gender.”

Becalaughed. “How poetic of you.” She lifted her arm to grab the strap of her bagbut her sweatshirt shifted down, revealing the evidence of yesterday’s trial.Stacie’s eyes immediately zeroed on the three angry dots and she sucked in adeep breath.

“Whatare those?” Her tone was controlled as she pointed at Beca’s wrist.

Beca’seyes widen as she quickly lowered her arm, pulling the material down, hidingthe marks again.

“No- nothing. I – I just doodled on my hand. It’s ink.” Beca would’ve been proudof her quick thinking if Stacie’s expression hadn’t hardened. She didn’tbelieve her.  

“Don’tlie to me. Beca you said you weren’t doing that anymore! Are you stupid?”Stacie asked strongly, taking a step forward.

Becastepped back. “I’m not doing anything.” She said defensively. As the firstrumors started going around school that she was a drug addict, Beca hadn’tbother to come clean to Stacie. It was easier to let the girl believe thatthose marks came from herself when in reality he was the cause of them.  

“Itdoesn’t look like it! Beca, are you using again?” Stacie in her anger grabbedBeca by the shoulder, squeezing tightly, trapping the girl between herself andthe lockers.

Suddenly,Beca was back in the lab as the assistant strapped her down forcefully onto thehospital bed. No matter how hard she fought, he held her down strongly as hestabbed the needle in her arm and pushed the medicine that made her so woozy,she couldn’t tell from up and down.

Herbreathing picked up as her heart beat out of her chest. Acting on pure panic,she pushed Stacie away by her shoulders, watching as she stumbled backwardswith her eyes wide open in shock.

Bothfrozen to the spot, Beca was aware of the growing crowd around them, curiouslywaiting for something to happen, phone ready in hand to record. She pushed downthe tears threatening to escape and ran down the hall, away from prying eyes,away from Stacie and out the door.

[buckysforeverprincess]

Daddy’s girl

Steve Rogers x Reader, OFC Sarah Rogers (Daughter)

Words: 1020

Warnings: Fluff

A/N: A Steve dad fic, in where he just can’t say no to his darling little girl. Enjoy!

“Dad, can I have a cookie?” Sarah walks into the bedroom, announcing her arrival without even knocking. Thank god, he had just finished getting dressed or she would have gotten a scene that might have traumatized her five years old eyes forever.  

“Uh-sure? Wait…what did mommy say?” Steve looked at his daughter with a questioning gaze.

“She said to ask you.” Sarah shrugs, innocence written all over her face.

“Alright, let's go.”

Steve walks behind the little blonde making their way to the kitchen and the jar of cookies recently baked by Y/N. He's amazed you’d taken the time to make homemade chocolate chip cookies for them since your energy levels were running low lately. Little Carter James needs to make his entrance to the world and quit taking up residence in your belly. Y/N’s doctor is about to give him his eviction notice.

Taking a quick observation, he sees you laying on the couch trying to get in a nap. That's probably the reason Sarah came to him, Y/N telling the little girl to go ask him for help. He'd happily help, if it meant giving his wife a few minutes of rest for her body to prepare for the upcoming delivery process.

Steve walks into the kitchen and grabs the container that houses the cookies and puts it in front of Sarah's face. “Can I have two, please?” She's flashing her bright blue eyes and sweet smile.

“Sure peanut. I'm sure mommy won't mind.” Sarah grins and grabs two of the cookies and sits them down on the counter. “Thanks dad.” Steve watches her sit on the stool and begin to inhale the sugar filled sweetness.

“Dad, can I have some Kool-Aid?” It comes out muffled from the cookie stuffed in her mouth.

“I guess.” Steve could justify giving it to her since she is eating a cookie. She should definitely have something to wash it down with and Kool-Aid seems like the next best choice next to milk, so why not?.  

“Thanks, dad.” Sarah says when Steve places the cup in front of her, quickly picking it up and taking a drink. “Ah, so good!” Steve chuckles at his daughter’s dramatics. She's quite the charmer and knows how to get what she wants.  

“Hey dad! You know what would be perfect with these? Marshmallows! Can I have some, please?” Sarah's batting her eyes at him, working Steve for all he's worth.

“Maybe we should ask mommy what she thinks.” Steve begins to think about the sugar she's ingesting and knows Sarah will end up in overload heaven.

“But mommy’s resting, and we should really leave her alone! She'll get mad!” Sarah did have a point. You had been rather irritated lately. Baby Carter has made life unbearable for you, and everything was pissing you off. Maybe he would ignore his better senses and let you rest a bit longer. It couldn't hurt, right?

“Sure, baby. Marshmallows sound good.” Steve goes to the cupboard and grabs the open bag, placing a few in front of his daughter. She smiles brightly, and he can see the sparkle in her eyes. Sarah has him wrapped around her little fingers and Steve wouldn’t change it for the world.

“Hey, dad? We should cut up apples with peanut butter for mommy when she wakes up.”

Steve ponders that thought for a moment, “That's a good idea.” He goes to the fridge and pulls out the apples and grabs the peanut butter. Sarah opens the lid and is dunking some of the slices into the jar and shoving them in her mouth.

“Mmmm, so good!”  

“Hey! Those are for mom, not you. You've got food!” Steve laughs as Sarah stuffs another glob of peanut butter in her mouth. She giggles, licking her fingers clean, grabbing a marshmallow to follow. Sarah was going to be a handful later at the rate she's eating all this junk. Y/N is going to be so pissed at him.

“Steven Grant!” He jumps in surprise at the sound of your angry voice.

“Hey, honey. Did you have a good rest?” His movements look a little flustered, as he tries to clean up all the mess and evidence in front of him.  

“Care to explain why our daughter is having a sugar infused snack at eleven in the morning? You might as well have given her an IV full of diabetes!” You glared at your husband waiting for an explanation.  

Steve opens his mouth, but no words come out. He closes it and opens it again, looking like a fish in water. “I-uh-I-I... she kept asking and I couldn't say no to that beautiful face!” Sarah smiles happily. She already knew how to play her dad well and she’d most likely use it to her advantage well into adulthood.  

“You know better, Steve! She doesn't run this house...we do! It's called parenting, in case you forgot. You have to say no!” You yell, surprising both Sarah and your husband. This was a new development in your hormones. This pregnancy was driving you mad and it’s time for this to be officially over with.

“I'm going to shower! Clean up this mess and then, you get to deal with the sugar induced high your daughter is going to be on in about a half an hour! Leave me out of it.” You turn and walk away leaving them in the kitchen to ponder what just happened.

“Carter's making mommy angry, dad. I don't think I want him to come out.” Sarah gives him a worried look, and Steve nods in agreement.

“Well honey, it'll be better when he comes out. Mommy will go back to normal once he does and you'll have a little brother to play with.” Steve places a kiss on her head.  

“Good. Cause I can't wait to share all my food with him! We're gonna eat nothing but cookies and marshmallows all day long!” Sarah smiles brightly before biting down on her long-forgotten cookie

“I heard that!” You yelled from the hallway. It'll be a long time before you make any more cookies in this house especially with your man child husband giving into the blue eyes of his clone.

[i-amusemyself]

All Emoji Asks.

🐰 what is one secret youve never told anyone?I don't really have that many secrets. I guess theres a side of my personality that I spend a lot of energy supressing like hell that I hate with a passion.💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?Right now? My best friend right next to me or my friend back home.🐹 what are some of your favourite pokemons and why?I mean, I only ever played pokemon go, but from that I loved the squirtles and the evees just bc theyre cute af🌠 if you were in charge of the world what would it be like?A lot more chilled out. Chill pills would be mandatory.👀 what was the most recent vivid dream you had?Okay I had two freaking weird ones the other night?In one I was a 10 y/o muslim girl going to a new primary school and while I was there I started raising money for a cancer charity.In the other I was taking a really hard A level maths exam and getting stressed and mad bc everyone kept talking and I couldnt finish it in time.☀ what do you like most about your best friend?EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Idk, I guess how forgiving and layed back she is. She always tries to understand and see things from your point of view.😘 talk about your crush or partnerLmao I'm alone 😂 I do have a crush but its a million miles from mutual so like, shes amazing but boi it hurts 😂💁 if someone was rude to you would you be rude back?Depends on how well I know them and what they're like tbh. I'll banter, but I avoid confrontation.🌟 what do you like about yourself? (3 things)😂😂😂 wow erm...1. I always try and put in all the energy I have if someone/something needs it2. I make loads of terrible puns its gr93. I really dont have any other qualities idk🐾 what are you scared of most? How will you overcome it?👏 I'm terrified of abandonment 👏 aaaand as of yet I have no idea how to deal with it ngl🎁 what never fails to make you happy?Really good stand up commedy or my favourite music💙 what annoys you about some people?Their complete lack of self-awareness. Idk, maybe I'm low key jealous too but srsly some people????😤 do you get angry easily?Yeah. I keep pretty good tabs on it so you probs wouldnt know it, but if something upsets me, chances are I'm hella pissed too.🐇 what do you always daydream about?Dramatic and upsetting situations or drunk situations 😂🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?1. Sort out equality and all that jazz2. Divide up the land more equally, bc it pisses me off that some people are living in tiny cramped shacks and others have 100 mile square farms.3. End capitalism and with that make all necessary services free.🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?Anon?✈ what is your dream city and why?I mean Ive always wanted to go to copenhagen but theres no guarantee its gonna be my fave. My fave so far is Amsterdam bc its so peaceful and the architecture is to die for.☕ talk about your ideal day?Spend it with my best friend/crush. Lay in bed late and be lazy and watch good TV/movies. Maybe go out in the afternoon to not go stir crazy and entertain ourselves. Stay up kinda late talking about deep shit, lying underneath the stars.🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?Ambivert!💧 when was the last time you cried?Yesterday lmao 😂 i havent gone more than 2 days without crying in the past week 😧 I just got myself into a nice Depression Episode.🎵 name 5 songs you like atm?Argh I havent listened to music in so long (7 days...) umm so things i wanna listen to- youth by daughter- voices by Motionless in white- living dead girl by rob zombie- corpse roads by keaton hensen- lost boy by troye sivan⚡ if you had any superpower what would it be and why?Mind reading bc my anxiety would be halved.💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?I'd tell myself to stop trying to fit in and be like everybody else because the people I know are just a tiny portion of the population and really aren't much to aspire to. I'd tell myself to drop all my shitty friends because it would stop me from dealing with a lot of crap later on. I'd point myself in the right direction of the better people 😂I'd teach myself how to stand up for myself and how to not take any crap.And I'd give myself a hug and tell myself it's okay not to be cishet, because maybe if I could turn back time and start to deal with it earlier I'd be okay with it now.💚 who are you jealous of and why?A lot of people really, with qualities I don't have.I suppose one kid in particular is like, everything i want to be. Kind, hillarious, confident, close to people I love. 💎 what would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? Why?Bravery or kindness?? Its hard to have one without the other. Also beauty ngl bc im fugly.🙊 what are you ashamed of?My gender and sexuality 👏🌺 which languages do you know? Which do you want to learn?I know english and spanish and I'm learning Danish. Hopefully once I'm okay at danish I can learn arabic. Ill be satisfied after that 😂☘ if you could be any fictional characters friend/lover who would it be and why?I mean, theres plenty of fictional lesbians where im like 😏👀 but honestly if I had to pick only one person I'd choose Kieren Walker from in the flesh bc he needs a friend and I relate to him so strongly.☁ talk about your dream universe.Mental and physical illness doesnt exist. People arent dicks. Everything is free. No one feels unloveable.💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?Idk I'm p much done for the day 😂 I've been helping out around the house all day tho🐬 if you could transform into any animal what would it be and why?I mean i might be biased but either a dog or a sloth bc they get to sleep all the time 😂🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike.Someone I was best friends with for 4 years suddenly turned around and stabbed me in the back, made up shit about me, arranged that all my friends not talk to me for a fortnight, sent group emails stuffed with emotional manipulation and blamed me for her suicidal thoughts. I nearly ended it. Now I get to watch my friends still loving her like she isn't the world's most heartless person. It makes my blood boil.😣 talk about something that has been making you depressed/angry/anxious.I'm staying with my best friend rn and I can't stand the thought of going home.🍪 what did you want to be as a kid and what do you want to be now?I wanted to be a nurse and now I wanna be a doctor 👏 variety 👏🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?I cant really eat sugar 😂 so fuck knows? Chocolate?🍑 what are you obsessed with?Brains, thought processes, psychopaths, graveyards and more 😂💘 what happens to you when youre stressed?I just get really emotional and start agressively making lists everywhere in an attempt to sort my life out.😪 what are you sick of?Humanity.🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?Yeah its terrible 😂 i hate anxiety but I also kinda love it when my heart races.💥 what are some unpopular opinions you have?I....dont? I cba with discourse lifes too short.☔ would you consider yourself a good person?I think anyone with good intentions is usually a good person so yeah😊 what do you do as hobbies?Sleep, binge watch netflix and blog 😂🎤 whats the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?👏👏👏 Mr Brightside 👏👏👏 what a jam 👏👏👏🐝 whats your worst trait?Being waaayyy too clingy.🌷 whats your mbti personality type and why do you think it suits you?ISFJ and yeah defo, its the defender and I feel that tbh🐶 send me 3 fictional people and ill choose my favourite.Anon?👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?Kaitlyn Alexander is my bae.Besides that I dont really....obsess over any celebrities? Eliza taylor is doing p good 😂 ummm also some youtubers? Do they count?🐴 opinion on __?Its a great bit of punctuation.🍋 do you consider yourself to be an emotional person?Lmfaoooooo YES📚 share 3 books you love and your favourite quotes from them.M8. Thats not gonna happen 😂 I love any book that makes me cry but I cannot quote a single word.😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? Does it work?Find a quiet corner, shut my eyes and listen to my Depression Playlist. It doesn't always make me feel better but it helps me ride it out.🙂 what thoughts keep you going when you're sad?The thoughts of uni and that I'll hopefully meet some great new people. Also my best friend. Just in general 😂🌎 which country do you live in?England.🐧 describe yourself in 3 words?Awkward, tall and shy.🙉 what quotes changed you?"Pick your fights" bc as much as its a meme it helps me chill outAlso "everything is temporary" and "the sun will rise and we will try again".💭 do you keep a diary?I have a personal blog which acts as a diary yeah💫 who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander!! (Listen theyre like the first nb representation I ever knew and I relate so much to everything they say and theyre so cute and talented)👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?I mean, my initial response is no. Because we're just bags of flesh made up of cells and when we die those cells die so theres nothing to live on.But tbh we know so little about the universe I'm open to the possibility of anything at this point.🎀 whats your fashion sense like?Dior. I know what clothes I like and think look good but I never like them on me.🎬 what are some of your favourite films?Deadpool, My sisters keeper, pitch perfect 2 ermm🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?UmmmmmmmmmmmmWhen I first got my bunny, that was an amazing day!!🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?Um my soulmate? Where are they at?

[peacekash]

I think this is a spritual breakthrough?

or Im finally coming to reality of me.

Having mommy and daddy issues is one thing but realizing you have to let it go sucks.

lol im not giving much context bc noone is listening and its fucking tumblr...but hey, why not 🤷🏽‍♀️just a lil

today felt different for me. it is usual for me to go through highs and lows within my close relationships,especially recently since I was in “da clink” 😂( im sorry i cant take myself serious) but ultimately inpatient (on my fucking birthday! but that is another story for another day) my relationships with ppl have been shaky,my already pretty low self esteem hit a whole another level of low low, and I, for the first time felt a genuine depressive slump... like not taking showers, not sleeping, not having the energy to speak,etc. I’ve been super anxious most of my life (even before i knew what that meant) so I was use to being sad but only on the inside bc ppl were gonna think i was crazy,crazy angry outburst all of dat.So this type of illness was new to me. that im trying to cope with and treat carefully.

today, my mom was in a good mood.well she’s been like this for a weeks but i know its not gonna last. it never does. I use to feed into her happiness streak and depend on her for my happy and ultimately sadness, and blame myself. And recently I’ve been doing my own thing and not really feed into any of her moods and she ended up adapting to this distance but mutual vibe for each other, which sucks bc me and my mom were so close.but in these Quarantine times and having to spend more time together, I have been cooking, doing more around the house, and helping her and ultimately being her vent person, but this time im not taking it personal. idk if im been going to my therapist too much or im actually learning, how to think for myself and honestly it feels different and for months Ive been keeping more to myself not hiding anything but fixing and venting on my own. Anyways back to today, being woken up at 10am on a saturday by your mom asking you to go the store with her is a feeling everybody knows, you dont wanna go but go and you’re going to help your mom bc you love your mom. And i know going to walmart in these times when its honestly chaos and very triggering for an anxiety riddled person like myself,but here we are driving to walmart. I love when she’s happy if though i didnt want to go, i still wanted to help. now my mom does things where she a) complains about how i “make her feel like she needs to rush bc of my attitude” that i dont have b) and leaves me with the buggy with 500 items in it having to chase across this busy store, I can only say im sorry and oh my fault so many times! it weirdly small and unnessscary things to be annoyed by this but im been feeling and thinking deep lately and it bothered me even more than when i was little kid (and i use to get hot !!) but now im a “composed” “functional” adult and now i see this as another example of her not being concerned about anyone but herself,especially the ppl who care about her the most and today I didnt snap but I was stern when i told to her to “stop having me chase you around the store,please?” Now you must think im a drag to be around (i might be)but around her i try to be my very best and im always invested in what ever she’s interested that day. it got to be weird once we we’re driving home and i was cooking dinner. My mom said something that sounds like what i exclaimed to my very gracious boyfriend who puts up with me ❤️, when im feeling low. “... I feel like noone cares that im overwhelmed *about her new business venture*and this is why i feel discouraged “. then I say “ remember what we talked about taking one thing at a ti-“ “we’re in the house the whole my business should be up and running, im slacking... noone wants to help me” and i instantly felt a tight gut feeling from hearing the similarities of our toxic self bantering and even more sadly how she handles it. noone wants to help but you dont ask (but oh she shouldnt have to ask🙄) or when ppl do help (like me, im currently making website and trying to do all her social media managing) you slight them don’t appreciate them. apparently noone is helping her so she has to hire someone? I asked her for what? what else do you need help with” “my social media” i look at her confused bc that what i was suppose to do but she told she got it, and when she’s introuble im there to help. then after she let out her toxic semi hateful speech without any interrupted, it’s like she empty herself out on me to asorb and then mood switches to happy and joyful again. I did my usual cordial walk downstairs to my space, not to fast so you dont seem upset about anything she said but “she knows whats best” thinks even for herself,but hey who am I to judge.

my relevation: doing my rountine facetime calls with my long distance lover ❤️,casually describing my day, I feel a tight gut feeling when (and see I knew i was down today but idk what for) i starting talking about how my mom was acting and what she said and I made the connection. I get the unbearable self doubt and pressuring idealogy from her. I made it journey to not end up like her or in her position in life (not saying she is a terrible but she is the most confident beautiful black women who is caring and thoughtful. she is just unpredictable) I started to wonder if I am perceived this way to my close ppl? but instead of cursing ppl out and being angry I just cry myself to sleep? ... them my tears im my eyes started to well up, which pissed me off bc im tired of crying gurl 🙄😂. bc I realized how I was happy or comfortable at all today, with my mom. she is my closest person to me,she knew everything about me and i was her only true friend who listened and care about everything she said or do when things that really hurt me. i felt this strain in our relationship was my fault... bc that’s what i was told in inpatient and even in therapy by her. no matter what anyone said or prove to me, I was gonna fold my emotions on her, but it is. we are healthy for each other anymore and as much as i want to make it better, I know i cant be under her anymore, i cant be at her beck and call, it all made sense to me. but what made me really sad, is that she doesn’t even realize she hurt self, by cutting off her friends or anyone who wanted to help and got too close, she thinks she always knows what best for herself and everyone around, when the smoke clears and she realizes she by herself and as much as i dont want to leave her to be alone and feel like she has noone, I will never be myself. I feel like i am my own person. but why do i feel so shitty?

ahh fuck it’s 3 am

[impulserp]

I could’ve sworn I saw that ‘97 LINER,  JUNG HONGBIN walking down the street! He’s the LEAD DANCER of CHAOS and goes by the name of ALAN. He really reminds me of CHOI SAN, can’t you see it? 

ＰＥＲＳＯＮＡＬＩＴＹ

OFF STAGE. within the confinement of the bedroom, he remains silent with a laptop opened ahead of him. a video plays of a stage performance long ago, focused eyes noting each mistake as well as improvement. handwriting a messy scribble, but enough for him to understand. that’s all that matters. another member suddenly enters, and he only looks up with facial expression unchanging. neutral. stoic. momentarily, though, a brow raises with lips pressed tightly. a hum from the back of the throat to signify he has greeted the other individual who sauntered in. quiet he is. “a man of little words,” a friend would admit. a friend, though, will also admit that alan is a good person. “he’s not quite to be rude. he’s a very nice person. he also has the almost adorable giggle. you just have to let him have his alone time … let him recharge.”

ON STAGE. delicate digits move to adjust the hem of the suit worn, seconds awaiting before the music begins alerting members to proceed on stage for the performance. right when the track begins, a smile tugs onto thin lips, the small male standing at the back hidden from the taller members ( hidden like always ). nonetheless, the smile brightens the stage, and he performs with all the passion and energy within. “we make the world go—” he dances because he’s a dancer, and he loves to dance. no negative thoughts should plague ( oh! but they do ). for fanmeets and other stage presence that does not concern dancing, he stands alongside group members with the brightest smile, waving to the fans and acting cute for them to associate him as a member with great aegyo. fingers against his dimples, twisting and turning, eyes closed as head tilted to the side. the fans adore him. “he’s so cute! i want to squish his cheeks.”

ＩＮＴＥＲＶＩＥＷ

at four years old, alan enrolled in a ballet academy. due to the years practicing the art, alan’s mannerism became elegant. he was very put together, so much so that his parents took notice due to how he walked alone. poised and collected. when becoming a trainee with LIGHTS ENTERTAINMENT, he believed that training would be similar. he would focus on ballet as well as interpretive dance. an elegant art. for the most part, he did, but he also rehearsed modern dancing and hip hop. with SYNCHRONICITY MEDIA, they did put him in a group with a fresh and newfound concept, thus he was to perform hip hop performances more than any other style. he does like the style, but he would rather practice what he started with. after all, that’s how he was picked up. stylists and management often want alan to dress in street style in order to match with the concept, but that’s not personally his taste in fashion. his style is more put together, clean, and simple. he would never wear a purple hoodie on his own. if he could control his public image, he would just wear jeans or dress pants in a beige or white sweater. he would be in a group with a cleaner, more gentle concept. that way he can be more himself.

however, my goal in order to develop alan throughout the duration of the group has alan undergoing a shift in personality. he is a sweet, elegant, soft boy, but he knows in order to get the most attention he will have to adopt a sexier and more playful attitude. the fans like the members with sexier appeals more so than the softer members, and the guys who have a sexier concept get the most lines; therefore, his plan is to adopt one in order to get the lines he argues that he deserves. thus, he will make his own public image for plotting purposes, but he will eventually learn that no matter what, the company will not give him lines.

ＢＩＯＧＲＡＰＨＹ

I. “Are you sure about this?” Father leaned forward, mouth close to mother’s ears as all four sat in the waiting room. Mother glanced at him with glared expression, lips thin and tight, frustration obvious upon contour. The two have discussed this before—three times before—and she had made it clear that she wants both her daughter and son to enroll in the dance academy. “Hongbin and Soyeon are very close. How do you expect me to keep them apart?” The magazine she was flipping through now settled on her lap, the glasses she wore slipping down the bridge of her nose. Her husband’s hand reached out, fingers pushing the glasses upward because despite the two were in disagreement, the two loved each other dearly.

Father worried about having his son enrolled in a dance academy. He wanted his son to excel in the science just like he—a chemical engineer. The mother reassured him, though, that although he is dancing now alongside his sister, he will not be a dancer forever: “Hongbin will be a science nerd just like you. I know he will.” He smiled at the response, dark orbs than averting to focus on the little boy sat on the floor playing a game with his older sister. He smiled wider. “He’ll be a man of many talents and recognition.”

II. “Are your parents here, buddy?” Hongbin glanced at the older woman standing before him, eyes confused with why she wants to know about his parents’ whereabouts. He was quiet for a few minutes, debating whether or not he should respond. His hair pushed back with a headband wore, his feet continuing to move around to pass the time. He practices his pointe despite the woman watching. She asks again, her voice still low and sweet. Just as he was to respond, his sister walked up to stand beside him. Her arms crossed as she studied the older woman. “Who are you to be talking to my brother?” She was protective, and she stood with attitude as if she was his manager.

The woman introduced herself as a figure in a top dance academy in Seoul. Having watched the recital, she was intrigued by the little boy. She wanted him to be one of her students. Discussing with the parents, much hesitation followed by the father, but the mother insisted that this was a great opportunity. Without further discussion, she turned and agreed to take her son to the academy. Since that day, a lot has changed in the household. A lot. Father left him. They did not file for a divorce, for he promised to return one day, but he was too angry and bothered to remain with her at the time (in present time, he still has not returned home). Hongbin had to move to the city, while the mother stayed behind with the sister in their hometown. He was alone in the big city because even though he resided with an aunt, it was not the same. Nothing was the same aside from the young boy dancing. Dancing, dancing, dancing.

III. “So, how were you picked up, buddy?” A young boy questioned, watching as Hongbin leaned forward to stretch just before another gruesome day of rehearsal. He glances at his fellow trainee, studying his expression. “They found me at the dance academy,” he replied simply. The other boy smiled wide. “No wonder! You are such a great dancer, Alan!” The boy did not respond to the compliment, rather he stood up from his spot and walked toward the mirrored wall ahead. He bent and continued to stretch, earphones in to block out the noise of everyone else. He was thirteen at that point, already having been training for two years. How long until he can debut? Or was he too young?

IV. “Why not?” He questioned, examining his manager carefully. He sighed, shaking his head as he dropped his pen. “I have been training for so long in this company. I perform well each time, as well. Why can I not debut with this new group?” Alan was pissed off. He has given up so much to be here, yet still no recognition. No advancement. His manager examined him, another sigh. “Listen, Alan. You do not fit the expected age range. But, trust me. One day a group will debut, and you’ll be in it. I promise.” At his words, Alan only balled his fists in frustration. “No … screw this company.”

V. Alan switched companies. As soon as he left Lights Entertainment, Synchronicity Media eagerly picked him up. Within the year, he debuted with CHAOS, and he couldn’t be any happier. As lead dancer and vocalist, he feels as if everything was falling into place. He was happy. However, as the years went by, three years since debut, Alan’s resentment has returned. Once again he was being kept in the back. Ignored. He deserved more than this. Despite being a trained dancer more so than vocalist, he still trained for many years with vocal lessons. He is not a horrible singer. Why was he not receiving more lines? Even as a dancer, he is kept in the back. He keeps his resentment secret, though. A quiet boy with his members, but it can be obvious that he is not entirely happy with management. But, he has a plan to become more.