#it's just ain't the same without johnny n dally

[motorcycleboy9]

let's be honest for a sec did anyone actually watch the outsiders TV series because I genuinely don't trust it

[mayblossomss]

Whumptober Day 11: Loneliness

One hundred days.

It had been one hundred days since Ponyboy had his last conversation with Johnny Cade. How had one hundred days already passed? Why did it feel like it had only been both a week and a year since he'd last spoken to his best friend? Would it ever stop hurting?

How long was it supposed to take to move on? Soda was able to stop looking too gloomy after a week or so, while Darry told him he was supposed to keep living normally after two weeks. Even though Ponyboy returned to a 'normal' schedule, in the three-ish months that had passed, he never filled the loneliness that wrapped itself around him.

He wasn't alone. He had his brothers, who made it their priority to keep his spirits high. He had Two-Bit and Steve, who were great company, but would never replace Johnny and Dally. He also had Curly, who he'd begun to hang around with more frequently, but was often getting locked up and leaving Pony all alone.

None of them were Johnny, though. None of them were Dallas. Ponyboy couldn't have a silent conversation with any of them like he did with Johnny. He couldn't admire but be wary of any of them as he was with Dally. Everyday he was reminded of how nothing would be the same. It felt impossible to move on.

Oh, and it was so painfully lonely. The switch from having a best friend who knew him better than he knew himself, to being completely and utterly alone was brutal. He could have all of the friends in the world, but without Johnny, he'd always be alone.

Ponyboy sat in his room, Johnny's note on his lap, but his eyes weren't on the letter. He was staring numbly at the wall across from him, lost in thought-- lost in reminiscence.

Soda walked in, a skip in his step. He opened his mouth, about to launch into a dramatized story about work, when he saw his miserable brother. "Pone?"

Pony's eyes flickered up to him. "Huh?"

"Are you okay?" Even though Ponyboy nodded, Soda wasn't convinced. "You sure? You know you can tell me."

He inhaled before replying softly. "It's been a hundred days."

Soda tilted his head to the side. "Since?"

"Since they died."

His eyes widened at his younger brother's words, before a frown came to his lips and sympathy filled his eyes. "Oh, kiddo..." Sitting down beside him, he wrapped an arm around him and squeezed. "It's gonna be okay."

"I miss them," Pony confessed, voice scratchy as tears came to his eyes.

"We all do," Soda mumbled and kissed his head gently. "But you're going to be okay."

"But I'm lonely."

Sodapop's eyebrows furrowed, a bemused expression forming. "Lonely? Shoot, Pone, you've got us."

"It ain't the same," Pony disagreed.

"It isn't?"

"No."

Soda stayed with Ponyboy for a bit longer, but finally Pony got up and left, making up some story about needing to go to the convenience store. Once he slipped away, Ponyboy headed in the direction of the graveyard. He paused before two small headstones. The writing was getting hard to read as nobody cleaned the graves, but Pony knew already what they said.

Johnny Cade: 1967

Dallas Winston: 1967

It was cruel to reduce both boys to simply three simple words. No, not even words: only their names and the year they died. If Ponyboy had the money, he'd give them proper headstones. Ones that gave them their full names. Ones with their birthdays and with dedications to their lives.

Johnny deserved to be recognized as the hero he was. Dallas, despite not having many notable achievements, was just as much a hero as Johnny was and should've been recognized for such too.

Ponyboy leaned against Johnny's grave, tears sliding down his cheeks. He supposed it would be like this at every milestone. Johnny's birthday, Dally's birthday, a year without them, two years without them, at Pony's graduation--

Shit, it hurt to think about all of that. When he pictured his future, Pony used to always see Johnny right there by his side, but that wasn't possible anymore, was it? He'd have to graduate all by himself. His best friend would never even see him.

He'd be on stage, and his family would be in the crowd before him, but he'd be alone. Ponyboy would always be alone, he realized, because without Johnny, he may as well have been missing a part of himself.