#it's here and its mostly a half-assed review...

[gemsofgreece]

speaking of greek films, do you have any recommendations? maybe even of the romcom variety? i've only seen zorba

And here's me whose ass still hasn't watched Zorba and even more embarrassingly I kinda thought it was a fully American movie adapting the Greek novel with some Greeks contributing, like actress Irene Papas and the music score by Mikis Theodorakis. It turns out you're right though, the film was directed, written and produced by the Greek filmmaker Michael Cacoyannis but then it was distributed by 20th Century Fox so it was a Greece - USA production.

I don't know if you can speak or are learning Greek though because Zorba was a co-production and it was mostly in English but a fully Greek production is in Greek and most don't get subtitled for international audiences. I will give you some personal recs but I can't guarantee you will find subtitles easily or you will have to do some severe digging. I have made the recs in an older answer so I am linking that post:

I will give a more updated rec list too:

Faves of mine:

From the link above the ones I would advice one to not miss are:

Η Κάλπικη Λίρα (The Counterfeit Coin, 1955). It's not only my favourite Greek movie but it's also in the All Time Top 100 Best Movies of International Cinema list of some very legit major institution that I am forgetting now XD It's a social dramedy with top tier comedians and drama actors co-starring and it's basically four different life stories connected through the same counterfeit coin.

Αχ, αυτή η γυναίκα μου! (Oh, that wife of mine!, 1967) It's a situational comedy. It's hilarious but if you don't know Greek, I don't know how well it translates to a different language. Man desperately wanting a promotion gets in a chaotic situation when his playboy boss first gets outraged and then obsessed with his wife, without knowing her true identity.

 5 λεπτά ακόμα (5 minutes more, 2006) I still think this movie is very underrated. It's a metaphysical philosophical dark dramedy with a great understated score. You can find it on youtube, obviously without English subtitles and with bad quality but hey at least it's on youtube! A morally neutral man with jealousy issues dies and is given five more minutes in the mortal world, which will determine his afterlife.

Το Τανγκό των Χριστουγέννων (Christmas Tango, 2011). Romantic drama. A soldier gets unintentionally entagled in the unrequited / forbidden romance of his mysterious aloof commander. Now this movie has a queer element. It does not have a queer happy end but it has both straight and queer themes and honestly it's a beautiful movie. You can find it on youtube.

Ρεμπέτικο (Rembetiko, 1983). Drama. The tragic life of a female singer of the then underground Rembetiko music scene, the music genre the Greeks of Asia Minor brought along after the Asia Minor Catastrophe and the population exchange between Turkey and Greece in the first half of the 20th century. Personally, I am not crazy about this movie but this doesn't mean necessarily anything because it gets good reviews in imdb even outside Greece. But I personally recommend it for its INSANE score and songs. These songs have become emblematic in the Greek music scene. The composer, Stavros Xarhakos, makes a cameo in the movie.

I still recommend the other recs in the old list too, especially the comedies. Also, like I have said, you can't go too wrong with Greek comedies of the 50s-60s in general. Since I said that, here's a list of faves and critics' choices of Greek movies from the 50s-70s.

Some other faves not in the old lists:

Το χώμα βάφτηκε κόκκινο (Blood on the Land, 1966). A Greek Western! Who would have thought but it is good! When I say western, I don't mean Cowboys vs Natives of course, but I mean land property disputes, rural, animosity gets out of hand, social class inequality etc etc and it is actually linked to Greek social history of the 20th century. And finally a Greek movie that takes good advantage of the Meteora. The movie was a nominee for best foreign film in the Oscars .

Strella, 2009. This is a strictly 18+ movie. It is a queer movie BUT it is also a very edgy movie, like, it can be perceived as extremely edgy no matter if you are a member of the LGBTQIA+ community or not. It's not the imagery that makes it edgy but the plot at some point takes a serious left turn. So, only watch if you're into weird cinema territory. I have warned you. Personally I am not into weird cinema but I liked this one. Man gets out of prison after years of incarceration for committing a murder. He befriends and soon gets into a relationship with a trans female sex worker. The protagonist, Mina Orfanou, is actually a trans woman and she was really praised for her performance in this.

Ιφιγένεια (Iphigenia, 1977). Directed by Michael Cacoyannis like Zorbas, this is a movie about the myth of the sacrifice of Iphigenia, Agamemnon's daugher, with an all-Greek cast. It is kind of those theater-to-movie films so don't expect Troy level of production. It has very minimal sets. Also, it's the 70s, the bible and sandal era, so the costumes are really anachronistic and inaccurate but other than that it is a good movie. It was nominated for the Oscar for foreign language film. And it's on youtube with English subtitles.

A few other recs:

Antigone (1961). Even more than Iphigenia, this is almost pure theatre filmed. The acting is theatrical, the staging is theatrical, it's all just theatre really. This is a very loyal adaptation of Euripides' Antigone. The acting is very good.

America America (1963). A movie by Greek American filmmaker Elia Kazan that I haven't watched yet but it is very famous. Biographical historical drama, inspired by Kazan's uncle. The struggles and feats of a Greek of Anatolia, Ottoman Empire (modern day Turkey) trying to secure a passage to America in the late 19th - early 20th century. It is an Academy Awards winner.

Πολίτικη Κουζίνα (A Touch of Spice, 2003). The life of a boy and his relationship to his beloved grandfather, who instilled in him the love for cooking and astronomy, as they part ways when the boy and his parents are deported from Turkey after the ongoing tensions started from the incidents of the Istanbul pogrom in 1955, while the grandfather is able to legally stay behind. I wouldn't put this movie in my faves but it is very aesthetically pleasing and has a wonderful score. It is also an introduction to the special historical bond Greeks have with Constantinople / Istanbul and the tragic story of it all.

Έτερος Εγώ (Heteros Ego / The Other Me, 2016). Crime Mystery. This movie is very popular. I think it's overrated but you can judge for yourself. It is on youtube. I personally liked more the TV series that was its continuation (the first two seasons only, because the third was horrible). It is suitable for 17+ audiences. An eccentric criminology professor is summoned to investigate murder cases where the murderer cites quotes by Pythagoras.

Man of God, 2021. If you are a Christian / religious, watch it. I would like this movie more if the director had not forced all the cast to perform in English in order to make an international screening. It takes away from their performance because it is so unnatural and illogical. But otherwise it is an interesting topic and the actors try their best despite that massive handicap. This is the true story of Saint Nektarios of Aegina island and his unfair defamation by the rest of the clergy.

Η Φόνισσα (The Murderess, 2023). Unfortunately this movie does not hold a candle to the original novel of Alexandros Papadiamantis written in 1903 - quite possibly the first feminist literary work written by a man - but it is your next best alternative unless you can read the book or a translation of it. In this case, totally skip the movie and read the book, which is excellent and my favourite Greek novel. But if you watch the movie, just know it took many liberties for the worse. It has good acting and cinematography though. The story explores the life and mind of Frankoyannou, a hardened peasant woman, as more and more female infants and young girls are found murdered in her village, including her own grand-daughter.

Miss Violence, 2013. This movie is incredibly disturbing and I wish I could forget what I saw. If you like disturbing cinema, obviously 18+, watch it. It sickens you to the core though. An ordinary 11 year old girl commits suicide the day her ordinary family celebrates her birthday. Minute by minute we learn more about the family though and minute by minute we realise this is not a regular family AT ALL.

More weirdness. If you actually do like weird cinema, then you can also explore Yorgos Lanthimos' old Greek movies. These are easier to find since Lanthimos is globally famous now. Dogtooth was his Greek movie that was a nominee in the Oscars. But he has a couple more. (By the way, Miss Violence makes Dogtooth seem like a My Little Pony episode.)

More length. Theo Angelopoulos was an acclaimed Greek director, famous for his slow lengthy movies that explore philosophical and other themes. Several movies of his are acclaimed internationally. His most awarded ones are Ο Θίασος (The Travelling Players, 1975), Ταξίδι στα Κύθηρα (Voyage to Cythera, 1984), Το βλέμμα του Οδυσσέα (Ulysses' Gaze, 1995), Μια Αιωνιότητα και μια Μέρα (Eternity and a Day, 1998), Τοπίο στην Ομίχλη (Landscape in the Mist, 1988).

More Kazantzakis. Since you have watched Zorba the Greek, a film based on the novel Life and Times of Alexis Zorbas by Nikos Kazantzakis, perhaps you will be interested in two more movies based on other novels of his, even if they are not purely Greek or Greek productions. The first one is the very famous The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) starring Willem Dafoe, directed by Martin Scorsese. The problem is that this movie is often very misunderstood as edgy / anti-Christian / atheist whereas Kazantzakis' intent with his book was kinda the exact opposite so he probably rolls nonstop in his grave with some readings I have seen being made of the movie, even here on tumblr. Scorcese obviously focused more on the edgy factor than Kazantzakis did, further encouraging such misinterpretations but you could still be able to understand the meaning of Kazantzakis' book through the movie, now that I told you that Kazantzakis was essentially a secular theological / Christian philosopher. The other one is Ο Χριστός Ξανασταυρώνεται (Christ Recrucified / He Who Must Die, 1957). A French / Italian production, also featuring the Greek actress Melina Mercuri. A Greek village in Anatolia in 1920 (Modern day Turkey) stages a Passion Play for Easter. Staging the play leads to them rebelling against their Turkish rulers in a way that mirrors Jesus's story. There is also a Greek TV series adapting the novel in 1975 - 1976, which is closer to the book and gets better reviews and you can watch it in the streaming platform I recommend below.

ERTFLIX. Ertflix is the state TV's OTT platform and it is entirely for free, while also available internationally. It has both desktop and app formats and you can also add it to several TV boxes, Chromecast, Roku etc For the free service that it is, it has an abundance of series, movies and documentaries so I can never stop praising it...! There you can find numerous Greek movies / series / documentaries to watch, plus even more foreign stuff with Greek subtitles if you're learning Greek and need to practice. Plus it has interviews, the invaulable archives of the state TV and so much more. In Greece it is not necessary but for using the platform abroad you will have to register as a user but it is entirely for free. Ertflix I love you. Below is a screenshot with some Greek movies available now:

Scroll to the Greek cinema option (or to the Greek series). The site is built in both Greek and English.

Where you can find ERTFLIX:

The aforementioned TV series based on Kazantzakis' novel.

Upcoming movies of Greek interest:

Maria. The biopic of Maria Callas, rather her last years, starring Angelina Jolie. Is Jolie a good casting choice for Callas? Well, no. People say she does a good job in it however. I don't know about that and I am going to be sceptical because I love Maria Callas and I don't think she can be easily (at all) imitated. I 'll watch it though. From the trailer I see Jolie did a very legit job with Callas' speaking manner and accent, this is hopeful. Part of the movie was filmed in Greece too.

The Return. Starring Ralph Fiennes and Juliette Binoche, this is a retelling of the last part of the Odyssey, once Odysseus has returned to Ithaca and has to reclaim his rule and home from Penelope's suitors. It is a realistic retelling, not featuring the gods, based on the trailer I saw. I had my reservations for this casting but Fiennes looks good as old Odysseus IMO and Binoche is a brunette French, of course she can pass easily as a Greek. They are also both good and serious actors and I am sure they give their best in the movie. The drawback is that it's like we return to the 70s with these poor and anachronistic costumes and sets. And also aside from the protagonists, who would have thought there was so much diversity in Ithaca / s, a REAL, TINY and REMOTE Greek island. Telemachus looks like the blondest of Swedes and then the Ithacians have apparently descent from Scandinavia to Southeast Asia to central Africa. Amazing. Ithaca, the New York of Bronze Age. At least Fiennes (in this) and Binoche do pass as Greeks... What makes the movie a little promising for me is the amazing physique Fiennes achieved for it: the parts half dead old beggar and parts godly warrior king. He nailed it. The scene with the bow, I know already I will get the chills.

From this alone I know Fiennes is doing a terrific job in this. He is always invested very seriously in his movies.

Anyway, one third of the movie is shot in Greece and ERT (the Greek State TV) is actually a co-producer (a rarity with international movies of Greek mythological interest nowadays), so once it's done from movie theaters, it is going to be available for free on ERTFLIX... apparently globally. I so hope this movie does not disappoint me.

A lot of these can be found in links in greek-movies.com but you didn't hear it from me.

[darthteeth]

its done 😶

[worldsover]

link in bio top 0.1% creator ft. Jiheon

length ✦ 7.6k

genres ✧ sex toys; lazy sex; cockwarming; camgirl!Jiheon

(sequel to [PPV] BG SEX...mp4; for @co-reborn)

✦✧✦✧✦✧

“So, how do you think it came out?” Jiheon asks. She’s in your lap as you sit on the couch.

You take a second to process the words, with Jiheon interrupting the review of the footage. All that’s in your brain is the delightful sight of her deep in pleasure while you fucked her from behind, as well as the delightful feel of her thighs squishing under your fingers right now—you love the way your touch can make her giggle.

“I think it’s a good start,” you say. “Once you get a better set up, I think it’ll be even better.”

In your mind, it’ll only be better when your cock is buried in her again, not just nested between her ass cheeks as they are now. 

Things unfortunately don’t get better as Jiheon leaves the warmth of your embrace. Turns out your judgment was flawed, however, when she ties her hair into a messy ponytail and gets on her knees between your spread legs.

She looks up and smiles. “Now for your payment, Daddy.”

You grab the phone.

This one will be on camera.

✦✧✦✧✦✧

"Holy shit. Fifty thousand dollars." Jiheon is scanning the financial dashboard; her channel, creamandheonni, has blown up, and it's only been three weeks, having only posted the sex scene, a quick blowjob, and a few flirtatious pictures. Your understanding of this new porn paradigm is tangential at best, through surface-level conversations with fellow actors who had this much more lucrative side hustle; you're aware regardless that Jiheon's frankly absurd growth can be attributed to her filling a niche, a rare intersection of natural prettiness and genuine enthusiasm.

"That's great news." From behind, you pull Jiheon into your arms. You were content with your life, or maybe just unwilling to diverge from the routine of mediocrity. You kiss the top of her head and bury your nose in her sweet-smelling hair, only tinged with pink as it'll soon fade back to black—more and more now, you want to entirely eschew routine. "You're going to be so successful," you say.

She's still scrolling through the dashboard, checking out her comments and likes, though she makes herself comfortable by leaning into your neck and humming. "Should I move out now?" Jiheon asks. "I mean, this place is a little cramped, and you have a nice house, right?"

Your fingers rake the ends of her hair. Deep breaths, your nose catches coconut, honey, a bit of jasmine. As Jiheon settles into your torso, her silky hair makes your neck feel fuzzy. You consider your next words carefully.

"If you want… you can move in with me while you look for a better apartment. No hurry, okay?"

There are people whose eyes you look into, deeply, yet feel nothing—for one, everybody you work with in a porn studio. However, Jiheon is not one of these people. She tilts her head back to look at you, and your heart trips on a bump on the floor and it bumps. Her fake blue lenses make her wide eyes shimmer like calm waves in a summer sea, or a cool drink on that same balmy day. 

"You'd really let me stay with you? Are you sure?"

Hold her tighter; she coos. "Yes," you say, more confident now. "And if you need a partner for any more videos..."

"I was just gonna ask that," she says with a sly grin. She turns around, straddles your lap, and puts her arms around your neck. "So you don't mind me moving in?"

"Not at all."

Jiheon kisses you, her lips soft and plump against yours. She starts to grind into your lap, your cock hardening under her ass.

"And you really, really don't mind helping me film?"

You laugh. "Whatever you need, baby."

✦✧✦✧✦✧

Whatever she needs. Apparently, it's much, and you're unsure how she fit her life in that shoebox.

As if she's always lived here, Jiheon has taken up half your house. Your fridge isn't a textbook example of a single male's diet anymore, gaining a whole variety of side dishes inside and its door now plastered with notes—mostly advertisements for new restaurants to try, though occasionally something more sentimental. Your bathroom has turned into a storage closet, filled with all kinds of self-care items, nail polishes, and beauty masks. You even come home one evening to find a pink coffee machine sitting pretty on your countertop. She's managed to snatch up your master bedroom, relegating you into your guest bedroom, a quaint empty room now home to a vanity with lights. But that did not bother you, because you sleep together most days, and now you sleep a lot better, and wake up much earlier, with Jiheon wrapped around you every day.

The title of the film is Jiheon Fucks Her Landlord For Rent, and you don't need the script. Read it thirty times already. It's true that you're being exploited for money, but consider this: Whatever. This is top-shelf content you're having the pleasure of starring in, even if it's something like unpaid overtime. You come home from shoots to Jiheon sprawled naked on the bed, and your job cannot compare. With her petite ass out and her laptop open in front of her, she picks out songs to listen to while she edits clips to put up for sale. Then she would pounce on you, pushing you onto the mattress and riding you until you're both spent, and you would only hope she remembered to put a camera somewhere.

There is one fundamental problem for you, though—she is a fucking monster when it comes to fucking, and that's why, no matter how many times you fuck her, no matter how much cum you deposit inside her, no matter how tired you are, she always wants more.

Tonight is no exception. She saunters up to you while you're watching television, plops herself down right into your lap, and wiggles her ass over your crotch, a position that's become domestic.

"Hey," she murmurs, her arms around your neck, "whatcha watching?"

Not even a token effort to lean to the side so that you can keep watching. You shrug as your hands land on her back. "Not sure. Some sport. Volleyball. Tennis?"

Jiheon leans forward to nibble your ear. "Doesn't sound exciting. How about we do something more exciting?"

Your hands end up moving down to cup her ass—inevitable. "Mm, yeah? What'd you have in mind, baby girl?"

She grinds into your dick, hardening in haste. Jiheon pulls back to smirk at you, her eyes dark. "I was thinking… hmm, maybe Daddy could film me getting railed?"

"You just want enough money to buy a new toy," you say, laughing. Jiheon has accumulated quite the collection ever since setting up her OnlyFans, and you're still working out how to handle taxes and expenses with all that.

"Guilty," she chirps, pecking your lips. "But c'mon. I'll make it worth your while."

"Jiheon, today I had sex with three girls. Three." Your voice is as blank as your expression. "They were all just like you, new to porn. What more do you think I'd want?"

You're trying to tease her, and indeed, she sticks her bottom lip out. But there's genuine exhaustion there because as stated, three girls. Unstated is the hours standing around, waiting for them to get ready, ultimately ending in a sickeningly faux excitement

Jiheon stares into you. "Maybe you'd like spitroasting me? I've been talking to one of your porn dude friends about it."

You perk up. The image of Jiheon's face distorted, tears flowing down her cheeks, with two, maybe three dicks in her, is an enticing one.

Then you scratch your head. "Sorry, wait, 'porn dude friends'?"

"Yeah, your coworkers, you said you only like a few of them. And I talked to one of them and we've been coming up with a video idea."

As usual, you can never guess where she would be headed next. "Well, now you have me curious as to who."

She crosses her arms. "Mmm. Maybe I'll tell you after you fuck me."

You slouch. "Jiheon, I'm serious. I'm exhausted."

"You're shooting four scenes today," Jiheon says, sternly, and with her directorial tone, maybe she does have a career behind the camera too. "Trust me. We can do something relaxing. You know, nice and slow, maybe use this new toy I got. You don't have to pound me like rice flour into mochi. Or like some random girl who's gonna wash out of the porn industry after five scenes."

You counter, "You did in one."

Her lips tugging at a smile again, Jiheon slaps your chest. "Shut up, you know what I meant. Anyway, I'm just trying to suggest something new here. You can stay completely still inside me, and film me cumming over and over while I keep the new vibrator on me."

You close your mouth tight. The only thing your penis ever has to say about the topic: the more, the better; it says this in hardness. Jiheon giggles, knowing she's already convinced you.

"Besides, you could get some practice, lasting longer, without the pills," she says. "And then there's the whole thing about 'getting to cum inside the tightest pussy you've ever felt after years of being a porn star, honestly' but maybe you're taking that for granted now. Hmph." You'll never understand how she can look so cute while saying such immodest things, but Jiheon's pouting is undeniable. "I'm seriously excited about the vibrator though," she adds in that same breath.

However, you turn up your nose. A few spanks to Jiheon's ass, and you say, "And here I thought you only needed your Daddy to fuck you."

"Well, apparently Daddy is busy all day fucking three girls, so he's all tired by the time he gets home." She pouts, leans over, bedroom eyes, and whispers, right into your lips, "I have needs too, you know. Can't you take care of me properly?"

"Fine, fine. Let me shower first, you kinky little..." You trail off, searching for the right insult.

"Slut? Whore? Addict for Daddy's cock?" she supplies as she weighs down into your lap. "You're not going anywhere. I want your cock all sweaty and musky and used by some other girls."

"Alright, I get it," you say, peeling Jiheon off your thighs. "You're a kinky little slut whore addict for my cock. Let me at least get the cameras."

Jiheon grins, giving your cheek a kiss as you stand up. "Can't wait."

She runs back to her room to change clothes, finding a few things, a cock ring, an adorable thin black choker, and the newest addition—a blue bullet vibrator. You consider sneaking to the shower anyway, though before you make up your mind, she returns to the living room, setting up her laptop.

You've already prepared the three cameras, including a POV camera as well as the microphones, and you return seated to the couch. She checks all the lighting ("Natural but nice, not too bright," she said, giving her a leg up on most studio directors), the framing of each shot, while skimpy black underwear hugs her tight ass. How did Jiheon become such a detail-oriented person? This certainly doesn't seem like the same girl who was cum drunk in your lap after her debut scene. But you know how these amateur scenes always end—the sort of mess that makes a viewer need to watch the whole way through.

Jiheon starts the scene in earnest as she often does: one clap to mark the scene, then she shows off her outfit, this time a pink crop top and a black thong. She takes off her clothes slowly, then she cups her breasts, her nipples hardening under her touch. Jiheon finds her own delicate touch inadequate, desperate to pinch at the delicate pink buds under her top, and she moans quietly in response—moans grow louder with her other hand between her thighs, digits toying with her slit through the underwear. She's already soaked. The familiar shape of her pussy lips reacquaints itself with the light. It's where the theater would applaud. As she pulls away, licks her fingers clean, Jiheon lets out a little whine. You know it's genuine because you see her lips turn downwards for a split second, pouting at her self-induced lack of touch.

Composing herself, her big smile returns, and she gets down on her knees to crawl: destination—camera A to the side of the couch, pointing toward the center of the living room. Though you're not the target on the tripod, your view is pretty great. Jiheon's back is arched, her chest low, and her pert ass jiggles subtly with each step. Your eyes are glued to that edible little treat, and your hands are itching to grope and squeeze, but you resist. Jiheon is much more of a natural at this than you—when she reaches her destination, she gives the lens a kiss, then turns around, showing off her ass and wiggling her hips.

"Cut." She repositions the camera to face you on the couch, then she claps. Despite the clear marker, and though you know all this 4K 60FPS footage is going to make your new server room in the basement whine, you keep recording. Jiheon has a history of going off-script.

One example: she has two perfectly good feet, yet she's crawling back over to you, and before you can say anything, she's already got her lips against yours. Jiheon kisses you passionately, her tongue running along your lower lip and making you groan. It's the sort of footage you can put in a bonus reel. 

She points out the cock ring and the vibrator on the table."We can start with the POV camera. Show off putting the vibrator on me and the cock ring on you. Then camera B for the penetration, and camera A for the full body." Then she's back to kissing, sitting on your thigh, and did you always have a Pavlovian response to directorial whisper or did she instigate that is a new question.

Jiheon picks up the vibrator, turning it on as you position the camera on your shoulder. Her head is down as she fiddles with the settings, and you take the opportunity to cup her breasts. Jiheon lets out a moan, a low sudden noise, looking up at you with a mischievous glint in her eyes. She turns around, places her legs over yours, and pulls down her thong.

"Daddy, can you help me put this on? I'll suck you off as thanks," she says, her voice sweet as sugar.

You take the toy from her hands and press it against her wet entrance. Wetter now. She shudders and whimpers. Her thighs tense. When you turn it on, the toy buzzes against her clit and she lets out a heavy groan, what a symphonic cacophony. You tease her folds for a moment, circling the toy around before pushing it inside. The small thing disappears completely within Jiheon's cunt. You attach the blue wire coming out of her cunt to a strap around her thigh, then you play with the vibrator's settings on your phone, making Jiheon squirm.

"Oh, Daddy, fuck." Jiheon's legs clamp together, trapping your hand between her thighs, but it's only the second-best trap inside something greedy; your cock's becoming jealous of the vibrator inside her. 

Riding your palm and fingers, she rocks her hips back and forth, her back arches, and her adorable tits sway enough to get your mouth watering. She leans back against you, her hands gripping your arm.

"Fuck, you're so good at this. So good at getting me off." Jiheon turns around, her lips brushing against your ear.

You would attribute most of it to the machine doing work inside of her, but you don't want to ruin her video, so you simply kiss her neck, sucking on her soft skin. You can't ever get your lips off of each other's bodies. Her taste, a little sweat, a little heat, is not just a once-in-a-while dessert anymore—it's rice; it's water; nipping at her flesh is a staple, a daily need.

Jiheon sighs and purrs and grinds harder when your cock hardens against her ass. Your hand speeds up, trying to keep up with her hips, and you hold down a groan. You know the character you're supposed to play, played it plenty of times before. The silent catalyst, the tabula rasa, the self-insert.

It's easy to avoid stealing undue focus from the true star. Jiheon needs no help at center stage: the camera and her are lifelong acquaintances, already friends, lovers, married, divorced. With subtle expressions and not-so-subtle wails, she's an actress at heart.

In the backdrop, on the inside, the vibration toying with Jiheon's pussy stays constant. Even as the scene rapidly evolves—bodies shifting, her back arching like a violin, your hands plucking at her strings—the small toy is still consistent and patient. Its mechanical insistence is punctuated by erratic wet sounds, and you harken back to the trial and error you've gone through with microphones, trying to find a balance of quality and durability. Well, water resistance.

Jiheon wrestles some control of her arms, grabbing the hem of her pink crop top and pulling it over her head. The sight of her perky breasts has your tip leaking precum onto her already-drenched underwear. 

But there is no contesting who's closer to the brink of climax. Her panting increases in frequency, her thighs crush your hand in its soft wet prison, her movements get faster, her breathing becomes heavier, her muscles tense up, and her entire body shudders. It's like it's all happening in slow motion, each second drawn out longer and longer, and you watch intently, unable to tear your eyes away from her orgasm.

You push the toy deeper inside, and she squeals, vibrations reaching the most sensitive spot inside her. Her inner walls begin their spasming, and the increased urgency of Jiheon's grinding makes that more than apparent. Her desire spikes, sharp, hard, to her own breaking point. Between clenched teeth, her words come out stuttered, a fractured melody.

"Fuck, fuck. Please, close, cumming, please... so, fucking, good, fuck."

Jiheon's face twists as she screams out and throws her head back. Her orgasm rushes through her—the first of many to come, you're well aware. She pulls you closer, nails digging into your arm, and shakes into your chest. Her nectar gushes out, ruins her panties, cascades down, overflows, drips onto your wrist and cock and thighs, dribbles down her legs, and you can hear dripping onto the floor and only hope the camera picks up the puddle below.

Eventually, her back crashes down onto you as her eyes flutter, staring off at nothing. You, meanwhile, can only admire your handiwork, naked, her breasts heaving as she struggles to catch her breath, her cheeks flushed, her eyes wide. She lets out tiny mewls, her tongue occasionally darting out to lick her lips.

Anyone else would be done. Jiheon is still hungry and needs more.

She takes a few deep breaths before turning around and looking at you. "I think you deserve your reward now." 

Jiheon grabs the cock ring off the table and slides off your lap. She positions herself between your legs, staring up at you with big eyes, then her tongue flicks across the tip of your dick, and you sigh. She's teasing you; are you happy, or are you frustrated, or are you shifting back and forth? Her hands cup your balls to massage them slowly. Jiheon presses her lips against your shaft, leaving wet kisses all over your cock. It's pleasure and torture, the slow pace that she's going.

A look of realization, she gestures for you to stop the vibrator.

"Wait a minute," she says, frowning, as she pushes the silicone ring on your cockhead, "you're too hard to put this on. Won't fit. Why do you have to be so big, Daddy?"

The two of you laugh. "You know, you saying that won't help."

Jiheon pouts, leaning forward. She gives your cock another kiss, her tongue slipping out and licking at your head. You groan, and she wraps her lips around you, sucking gently. Jiheon's mouth feels so warm and wet, and she's bobbing her head up and down your cock, taking more and more of you each time.

"Alright. After you cum inside me the first time and get soft, we can put it on."

The first time is an inaccurate assessment. That'll be your fourth orgasm of the day. She's going to milk you dry. You watch her take you deeper, her tongue swirling around your cock. You hear her gag as she pushes further, her lips brushing against your pelvis. She's going to milk you dry; send your complaints to her throat—it's the only place Jiheon's going to listen. Your hips buck forward, your hand grabs the back of her head, and you bury your cock completely in her mouth.

She's a mess. Tears streaming down her face, her makeup smeared, and a dazed expression, it's almost like she isn't fully present. Jiheon pulls back, coughing and spluttering, spit and precum dribbling down her chin. She's a mess; why bother cleaning at all, wiping her face, when she knows she'll just be covered again? At most, she licks her lips clean, and you're not sure it has anything to do with being clean. Her hand wrapped around your cock, Jiheon smiles while jerking you off slowly.

"God, your dick is so yummy. Even after you've fucked so many other girls today, you still taste so good. Or maybe it's because you fucked them? Mmm, whose pussy am I eating right now, Daddy?"

Her words are poison, hypnotic, said with the sincerity of a saint. She leans forward again, recapturing your tip. Jiheon sucks, her cheeks hollowing as she looks up at you, eyes watering, yet unbothered by it. Once more, she pulls away, and now the saliva running down her chin drips down onto her tits. You reach down to smear the mess across her chest, then you smear the sticky bead of semen on your slit across her lips; she accepts happily.

You brush your thumb against her cheek. "You're so good at sucking my cock, baby girl."

Jiheon preens under your praise, pressing her face against your hand, and her tongue darts out to lick your palm, her eyes never leaving yours—well, the camera, but close enough. Her tiny fingers continue their work on your cock, rubbing it against her cheeks; they squish like mochi against your tip. 

In her own world, she's playing like a pet, and your cock's her favorite toy, but soon enough, she refocuses. When Jiheon mouths "vibrator," you comply, turning it back on. The buzzing grows louder as you turn the setting up, making her squirm.

"Can't believe you want more," you grunt. Your thumb hooks into her mouth, prying her lips open. "You're so fucking spoiled."

Her tongue swirls around your thumb, her eyes closing, and she lets out a muffled moan.

"I know, mmh, I know, Daddy, thank you."

Jiheon sits back on her heels, moaning as she fingers herself and relishes in the toy's vibrations while leaving your cock between your lips. She repeatedly moans and hums out "thank you" against the tip of your cock, making messy bubbles of spit and precum. You go back to well-established techniques of holding back your orgasm, tensing up muscles, and looking away, while Jiheon has her own second climax swelling forth. However, try as you might, the sound of the vibrator pulls you back in, and you end up focusing on Jiheon's body as it quivers, her face as it contorts, her open mouth as she comes undone once more, her juices soaking her fingers.

Knees shaking, she clambers back up onto the couch, straddling your lap. You can empathize with how she's withering, her limbs jello; your arms are tired too, the POV camera still on your shoulder, and your cock is achingly hard and ready for its release. However, her boundless energy returns soon, and that right there is the problem/perk of working with Jiheon—she doesn't know when to stop.

She presses her body against yours, burying her face against the nape of your neck. "Please, Daddy, I need you inside me. I'm so wet right now," she whines, looking up at you with puppy dog eyes. "Please?"

You chuckle, grabbing her hair and pulling her towards you. Jiheon moans as you slide her across your lap. You rub your dick against her thighs, against her pussy lips—from which a thin blue cord exits—and then she rolls her hips forward, eager as ever. Your tip drags against her clit a couple of times, and Jiheon whimpers, her cunt clenching at the small vibrator inside, desperate to be filled.

"Fuck, please," she says again, gasping. "Please Daddy, inside, in, in... my pussy's so, so needy, please. I promise, it'll be so, so good. You'll be so, so full inside me."

You try your best to restrain your own voice—as always, her pussy feels so warm and tight around your shaft, and her walls clench around you; however, this time, you feel the odd sensation of the vibrator against your cock, her pussy an even more snug fit for you. She lets out many whimpers as she writhes above you, though eventually, she sits still and adjusts to your size and the novel vibrations against her womb. When she opens her eyes, they shine with tears as she sniffles.

"This feels, oh, god, so good, Daddy." Jiheon's voice is barely above a whisper, her breath hot against your skin. "Mnh, just stay like this."

You and Jiheon fight the same battle, the urge not to move at all. Nestled close together, pleasure washes over you at its own accord. Try your hardest, but the reality is that one of you must succumb, and the next will follow suit. 

Every minute or so, she shifts and fidgets, or your cock twitches, its desires well known: to piston Jiheon's tight body up and down your length. Despite the soreness from your previous orgasms, every bit of self-restraint is necessary. The warmth of her cunt, the light panting into your ear, the vibrations resonating along your whole length—it exceeds the effects of any pill. All this effort to exert no effort.

Jiheon lets out an incoherent whine, probably about your throbbing cock's growing hardness, or its leaking precum. No matter how hard she tries, she shivers and squirms in your lap, her needy cunt too impatient. 

This very impatience gets her in trouble. Right now, her face twists, lips twitching to a frown while little pleasured sighs and groans escape. How sensitive and on edge she must be. This very impatience got her a career.

Jiheon closes her eyes tight, as though that'll distract her from the persistent toy or your throbbing cock inside her. Her legs wrap around your waist, her heels digging into your back, and she settles down onto your cock further. Whisper-subtle motions, they're more reflexive than a reaction. It's a miracle that Jiheon isn't bouncing on your shaft. You know your fellow star too well. She would love nothing more than to ride your cock right now, to make a mess of your lap again, to stuff and unstuff her tight cunt full of you, to milk you dry again—but she made a promise. She must wait. With her jaw unhinging, wide, only the whites of her eyes there, this seems the hardest thing she's done in her life.

This is the hardest in yours. Sweat-filled photoshoots, keeping yourself erect during a gangbang, even working through flus are nothing in comparison. The seconds tick by, both seemingly endless and insignificant, and you wait, and wait, and wait.

Jiheon's heart beats against your chest, tits pressed into you, and you keep her steady with a palm on her sweaty back. Her head drops onto your shoulder and her hair tickles your neck and her warm exhalations send shivers down your spine. It's hard to tell where your bodies separate, how much is you and how much is her. You melt into each other, one being, joined together by heat and time and pressure. With this vibrator inside, time withers away Jiheon's endurance. While you're teetering on an unstable edge, you're not surprised that she slips before you.

One small change, one little sigh, her face eases out its tension, lips parting, and before you realize it, she's moving. Lazily, sure, yet unmistakably. Jiheon moves her palms, slides up her thighs, caresses her flat midriff, caresses her pert breasts, pinches her hardened pink nipples.

You're getting dizzy, your vision blurring as Jiheon's walls begin suffocating your numb shaft.

"C-cum, s-soon, Daddy," she stammers, her words coming out in between shaky breaths, and hearing her voice soothes you, somehow; the sound of Jiheon speaking reminds you that you're not just in some dizzying endless vibrating cockwarming dream-fall-flight-story-recording— "Oh, fuh, fuck."

"Go," you murmur into her ear. "Cum. For me."

Despite the delirium, the agonizing climb to the top of the rollercoaster, Jiheon manages to look into the side camera. With the perfect image of her mouth open and her eyes rolling, you realize you're not a professional compared to this woman. Was that all an act? Regardless, you're lucky to be here, to witness her, to be a part of this. She's gorgeous, and she's coming apart at the seams, all around your cock, a mere happy bystander, or maybe instrument is more apt.

The vibe makes Jiheon spasm at first, and then she growls out a groan as her toes curl and her fingers squeeze, thighs completely clenching around you. Her pussy spasms and squirts around your cock. Her ass shifts upward, and she fucks down against your length, grinding your sensitive cock against her vibrator. You make sure the POV camera is trained on her face, blissed out as it is, her lips parting for moans.

Jiheon leaks all over you while her hips roll to and fro aimlessly. After she lets out a long hum of contentment, she dips her head into your shoulder and inhales deeply.

"Did you cum inside me?" she asks quietly.

You shake your head.

She scoffs. "You really are spent. Tsk. I might just have to fuck that out of you." She raises her hips, and immediately, her face contorts. "S-sensitive. Never mind. Oh, fuck, lower, lower it, vibrator."

"Yup," you chuckle, reaching for your phone, and Jiheon collapses into you, her body twitching.

You grab her midriff to pull her off, but she stops you. "No, no, stay. Stay, I'll keep warming your cock, Daddy."

Smiling, you kiss her temple.

"Thank you." Jiheon adjusts her position, moving her feet up onto the couch, trying to get as comfortable as possible—as comfy as can be with the tenderness of yet another climax, with your cock still inside her, with the vibrator still going at its lowest setting. You grab her ankles, spread her legs apart, and massage her thighs; happy, she hums, locks eyes.

You hold her close to you while your eyes wander over her facial features. Jiheon's lips and cheeks are flushed red, sweat drips down her neck, hair a complete mess, and there's a shimmer in her gaze. Hard not to get lost in such vivid blue pools—the lenses suit her well.

It's cinematic. It all happens in slow motion. You should've trusted the directorial vision. She leans forward, her forehead brushing against yours. You connect lips, then your tongues seek each other's mouths, while her fingers rake your back. Maybe Jiheon is finally learning to take things slow, taking her time as she kisses you gingerly, languid movements of her mouth, and soon her lips stay pressed against your throat.

She's panting against your skin, her body warm against yours. "Mm, feels good."

"Yeah?"

Jiheon nods, her tongue circling around your Adam's apple. She nibbles at your neck, making you groan.

"But, Daddy," she says as she sucks hard, bites down on your flesh, and leaves her mark on you, "I need you to breed me. I can cum around your cock again if you need that too. If my pussy with a vibrator isn't good enough."

"It's definitely good, baby. It's not just me. I'm honestly afraid I'll break you if I thrust." Your hands wander to her ass, groping her soft flesh and spreading her cheeks apart. With all these overwhelming sensations, you focus on kneading her soft skin, and she wiggles her ass, looking down at you.

You don't know what set you off. It's the sound Jiheon makes when you firmly sink your digits into her butt, a whimper, then a needy moan; it's the heat surrounding your still erect dick; it's the low rumble from the toy's vibrations, reverberating through your entire cock; it's her lips against your neck, pressing kisses into your pulse point; and it's that glacier-melting smile as Jiheon looks up, delirious and satisfied. You love it, and you love her, and you love the noise Jiheon makes when you turn up the vibrator with a swipe of a finger; you love feeling her tense up as you grab her ankles to place them on your shoulders; and you love her teeth biting down hard when your hips rut up into her cunt on reflex—years of porn experience telling you to fucking piston every woman on camera like machinery. 

She looks up at you, her eyes hooded, and then the damn smile again; how can a woman go from completely disheveled to such an angelic expression within seconds?

"Break you." You're out of breath, but doing it, breaking. Whether it's her or you, something must. You can feel it—at your wit's end.

Whatever energy stored inside Jiheon floods out as she's consumed in her second orgasm. She stops trembling and drops her legs down, yet you don't relent, totally fucking her through her high. Pound away (bring out the wooden mallets). The more Jiheon writhes around you, the more she pushes you over. Her cunt is slick and quivering, her girl cum drips down your shaft, and when she cries out for you, her whimpers quickly give way to screams. Make do with your ending.

With a hard shove and the encouragement of a whirring vibrator against your shaft, you cum how a drunk drives his vehicle: hazardously, sloppily, careening. Slumped forward against Jiheon, you thrust wildly, hips jutting as spurt after spurt spills inside. A mindless haze comes over you as you ride out this climax to the crash against the wall, and you're only vaguely aware of your arms and thighs burning, your heart beating faster and faster and faster. It's a fucking mess inside of Jiheon, and it's quickly a mess outside, warm viscous cum frothing out and bubbling at her lips, coating her thighs, dropping onto the cushions. You continue to move, a dying animal, muscles firing with no signal. Through this, Jiheon is getting rawed so rough she has tears forming, sniffling through every "please, give me everything, Daddy" and "want all your cum". Forget your previous orgasms today; Jiheon's greedy pussy has you pulsing shots of semen over and over like you never made a career of it. The vibrator continues to buzz loudly against her soft walls, your throbbing and aching cock, not giving up just because it's been submerged under a Neptune of cum.

Hazy, and your body a bundle of nerves, overstimulated, overworked, you try to push Jiheon off of you—she takes a handful of spilled seed from under her legs before they latch around your torso.

She looks at the camera to the side and licks her cupped palm. You can tell every single motion for her is agonizing, the toy still going at it—you sympathize as you realize you're still issuing weak bursts, so you take your phone to the side and turn the intensity down.

Jiheon breathes out shakily, closes her eyes momentarily, then focuses on regaining her bearings, on your warm sticky cum shooting into her deepest. When she's gotten enough brainpower back, she holds your face with both her hands, making you look up at her and kiss her pouty lips, where you taste yourself and Jiheon's sweet juices.

"I've got a few more in me," Jiheon says.

You're gasping and wheezing for air. "I guess... I guess I'll just fucking pass out and you can use my cock or whatever."

"Hold on, you forgot something." Keeping your cock inside her ass she turns around, Jiheon reaches for the cock ring on the table. Facing the camera B as she leans back against your chest, she finally addresses the camera that was behind her: "Daddy says he's done, but I know he's got so much more for me."

For once, you feel freedom.  The vibrator falling out, Jiheon slowly unsheathes your soft and spent cock from her cunt, which absolutely drips with your creampie—thick ropey cum clinging and breaking onto your crotch, her legs, the couch, and the floor—and now your flaccid member just lays against her sloppy lips.

"I know my pussy makes a great cock ring but…" She holds the cock ring up to the camera, showing it off, no doubt with a smile.

With an almost clinical detachment, Jiheon swiftly attaches the cock ring onto your slick shaft, an action even more devoid of romance and eroticism than switching one sex toy to another, to be honest. After clasping the cock ring on the base of your cock, she brings the cum-covered vibrator to her lips, licking you off your fluids that stuck to its surface. She hums and moans as she takes in every drop, sucking it clean.

She weighs into your chest, easing you to lay onto your back. Jiheon places your cock in between her thighs, nestling her slit along your shaft, then supports herself half-sitting up by putting two hands on the couch. You hiss as Jiheon rocks her hips back and forth, her pussy lips giving way and sliding against your soft and sensitive dick, her ass rubbing against your thighs. She takes a moment and spreads her legs to reach between them; you can't see, but then you feel the vibrator pressing against your balls, and you let out an embarrassing groan. Jiheon giggles as she looks down at you, amused.

"You sound so good, Daddy. Let's keep filming, alright?" Jiheon kisses your forehead.

"Mhm," you manage, swallowing thickly, throat dry. You're not sure how long your mind will last, but you'll at least keep your eyes open, trying your best not to fade out. Jiheon adjusts her position above you, squatting on the balls of her feet, knees together, her feet planted on the couch, and your cock sandwiched between her thighs. She's putting little pressure on you, yet your breath hitches.

Jiheon begins moving again: her hips sway back and forth, her pussy lips rub against your cock, and her ass bounces. As her pace gradually increases, her movements become more erratic while her gasping grows heavier. You can't do anything other than lay back and watch Jiheon riding your softness. She keeps pressing the vibrator against your balls, waves of pleasure coursing through you.

You thought it was over. That the video would end with a fade to black as you fade to black. However, by some miracle (which is a fair title to give to Jiheon), your erection returns, albeit weakly—yet she notices immediately, turns around to sit on your thighs, facing you again. She smirks, places the vibrator at the bottom of your belly, so you try your best to keep your face straight. Leaning forward and placing a hand against your chest, her nails dig into your skin. 

"Not so tired after all, hmm? You must really like my wet pussy rubbing against your cock, don't you, Daddy?"

A small part of you wants to die and join the rest of you already dead. There's no way you'll get through the night; you've never cummed this much in your life. Not even the fake semen tube dispenses this much. Jiheon is testing you and pushing you—but yet.

She positions her body against you again, her cunt pushing down against your length as it hardens slowly. And you can't help it, you find her body begging, enthralling. Thighs meet your sides. palms press against your chest. As Jiheon rubs up and down, your shaft finds itself either between her slick pussy lips or her asscheeks. She bucks when she feels the firm cock ring against her, squeals whenever the vibe brushes against her. You remember to put the vibrating toy back inside her, and Jiheon cries out.

"Oh my god! Shit!" At this point, she's dripping onto your cock, thick cream trailing down, living up to her username. "Fuck, yes, Daddy, fuck." She pants as you relax with your hands behind your head. "I fucking need you again, please. Cock, inside. Put it inside. Please, please, I don't care, how, how sore. Don't need to walk, or move, tomorrow, put cock, in, in."

She trembles above you, so desperate to stay upright. This view never gets old—it never can. As her orgasm rocks through her, Jiheon nearly loses her balance.

You know one way to keep her in place: your cock, now fully rigid, slips out from her slippery thighs, the perfect stand-in for support. Jiheon grabs your shaft, squeezing tightly, making sure you don't move as your tip presses against her cunt. Folding against your torso, you feel her pussy spasming around your cockhead. "Mmgh! Fuck!"

She slides her hips back and forth, trying to catch your length, and though her motions are stunted by jolts of ecstatic heat, she eventually finds home at the root of your shaft, ass against your crotch. You aren't moving—no need. The vibrator continues its whirring, and you can feel it going wild. But it's different now, as the constant stimulation now makes you painfully aware of your cock's rawness. Jiheon sits upright, arches her back, presses her hips down as she moans.

The position is killing you, your cock buried deep inside her, nestled safely between her slick walls—you don't feel safe. You're a prisoner. These are her walls; these are her rules; your cocks her's to do whatever she wants. Jiheon's hands ball into fists, her nails leaving small red crescents in her palms, as she tries to steady herself. Her eyes are shut tight, her teeth grit as she groans, her legs shaking as she continues to twitch, her entire body electrified. 

At some point, you're not sure when one of Jiheon's orgasms ends and the next one begins. Hell, you're not even sure if you're cumming at all, or if that's all the fluids from earlier sloshing around in her as you stir it up. Whether or not you've creampied Jiheon once or a dozen times, seed seeps out, even as you plug her pussy snug. You could pull out, any moment—no, you can't; stop lying. Your throbbing dick is trapped, trapped, trapped. A feeling of powerlessness, of vulnerability, of ultimate surrender washes over you, followed by a sense of unbridled gratification. Jiheon is overwhelming—and instead of seeking to overpower her, you want nothing more than to let her take all of you.

You're something. You're nothing. You're teetering on the edge between the two.

When Jiheon collapses, falling flat against you, you're certain you've passed out, maybe. Jiheon hums, kissing your shoulder, her chest rising and falling as she catches her breath. The vibrator will probably run out of battery. You should definitely take off this cock ring. Clean up. Clap (though roaring applause would be more fitting). Shut off the cameras before you end up filling up the server and losing your footage somehow.

You feel something, your eyes opening. At some point, Jiheon unhooked the cock ring and pulled the toy out of her pussy, and now she's just laying on top of you, hugging you tightly. She's breathing peacefully, her face buried against your neck.

You raise your arm. Resting your hand on Jiheon's head, you can feel her heartbeat, its quickened pace becoming calmer and calmer. She sighs, and you begin playing with her hair, fingers tangled in her long pink locks, and she seems to enjoy this as you hear a quiet moan escape her lips. Your other arm wraps around her waist, pulling her closer, and Jiheon presses herself against you.

The two of you stay like this, lying together silently. Eventually, Jiheon lifts her head, leaning forward, her face only a few inches away from yours.

"We should really shower and clean all this up," she whispers.

You shake your head. "Five more minutes."

Jiheon smiles before placing her head back on your shoulder.

You're going to need much more than five minutes. It's only fair that you procrastinate—when Jiheon can pay off your mortgage several times over, and she still hasn't looked for a new place. Might have something to do with that satisfied smile.

✦✧✦✧✦✧

AFF, AO3

Also extremely inspired by Jiho's scene in @ggidolsmuts' Part 12: Stud(y)ing - Oh My Girl.

[deeviews]

Outer Banks Season 4 – Review / Rant

‘Kill all your darlings’ is a common piece of advice given by writers. The basic premise is that sometimes you have to get rid of a storyline, or character, even if they are much loved, for the sake of your overall story. This phrase came to mind when reading an interview with the show runners of Outer Banks, as they set about justifying their decision to kill JJ. His death, they argued, was a necessary step in propelling the story towards its final conclusion because it raised the stakes for the other characters. And shows kill main characters all the time. Their deaths do power stories in exciting new ways. Except that’s not what happened here. Instead of moving the story forward, it stopped it dead. Because JJ wasn’t an unnecessary character, he was the glue of the group, and integral to the message of the show. That even the most neglected of kids can dream big. That friendships based on trust, loyalty and love can help you face down impossible odds. That there is always laughter to be had in the scariest of moments. And when chance presents itself, always go for the Gold.  Of all the characters, JJ had it the roughest, and he deserved the biggest win. His on screen death was crushing, and with it, so too, ended what we thought we were watching. 

No longer a coming of age tale but a cautionary one. And kids like JJ, well, they don’t get to win. But his death also assures that none of the other kids get to win either. Because, no matter what happens at the end of the show, no matter if they find the crown, bring Groff to justice, go back home, JJ will still be dead. There is no win that can change that outcome, and the legacy of these characters, and the show, will be forever marred by this awful creative decision. They turned what was a fun show into a bitter revenge tale. The innocent kids we first met in season one no longer exist, and there is no way to undo this damage. They didn’t need to see their childhood friend murdered to propel them into adulthood, and the audience, particularly the young audience this show was aimed at, didn’t need to see it in order to follow them there.  

The death of a character, particularly a main character, and one so loved by an audience, must be both earned, and sit within the fabric of the show. JJ’s death was neither. What we saw on screen was not the contract made with the viewer. Sure, death existed within this universe, but that was something that stalked the peripheral characters. This was made clear with the death of the sheriff. This was the expected outcome for Ward and Big John. However, this was never the expected outcome for any of the kids. While the showrunners argued it was no longer credible for them to continue to escape their escapades unscathed, the audience expected different. Because in the world of the show it did make sense. These kids fought actual mercenaries and escaped. Actual murders and escaped. They negotiated with drug dealers. They stole boats. They sailed across seas and a big ass ocean. This was never a world grounded in realism. What it was grounded in was friendship, and the love these characters shared for each other. JJ’s death shocked so much because it killed the fabric of the show.

And it simply wasn’t earned.

Season four was plagued by plot holes, odd character choices, cartoon villains and convoluted stories that offered no resolution. Most of the time the characters did not act like themselves. JJ and Kiara’s romance was a non-presence in the second half. Inexplicable considering what his character was experiencing. But mostly JJ was not himself. It never seemed right that he would blow all this friend’s money on his childhood home, or that he’d bet it all in a race. While his character was always impulsive and reckless it was only ever in relation to himself. He always put his friends first. He would not have spent their money. But I guess, the writers needed a fast route out of the cul-de-sac that they had entered last season, so they set about distorting JJ’s character. They heighted and focused on his worst impulses, and from there, we only ever got fleeting encounters with the real JJ.

However, it was only when they revealed Groff’s ridiculously contrived connection to JJ that I understood the showrunners true intention. And the kid who tied his entire self-worth to his friends was to be completely obliterated in the furtherance of their plot. Even in a story supposedly dedicated to him, this abused, neglected, sweet kid, wasn’t given the focus his character had earned and deserved. A devastating development that robbed his final journey of any meaning. Worse still, the invention of JJ’s biological father and his connection to the Genrettes was included, not to add colour to JJ’s character, but to draw Rafe into the Pogues’ circle. The abused, neglected, sweet kid was to be murdered so that Rafe, an actual murderer, could join the Pogues and earn his redemption. Stomach churning. And a terrible betrayal of the character by the writers.

I think much of the horror experienced in watching JJ’s death unfold was not the story itself, so badly told, but the narrative the writers weaved to justify it. He was a tragic kid, and so he met a tragic end. They envisaged nothing but darkness for him when in fact he inspired so much light. He was a rarity on screen. And he felt so real. The outpouring of grief that has swamped the various platforms since his passing is a testament to his impact as a character. That is an immense achievement for any writer, and credit must be afforded to them, and the actor that embodied him so fully. Watching the writers discard JJ so callously was painful. It felt like a betrayal too, of the show, of the audience, but mostly of JJ, and what he represented. That amongst those that have nothing, some have even less - JJ - but they too, with a little help from their friends, can still have, and are entitled to, a good life. His murder was cruel, and just so upsetting.

The world can be a difficult and dark place and escapist television offers respite and sanctuary from trauma. There is merit in this role because there is merit in optimism, in joy. Death doesn’t necessarily elevate material, nor make a show more meaningful. But what it can do, and did in the case of Outer Banks, is destroy what made this show so watchable in the first place. Comment by comment on countless posts one word appears more often than most: comfort. This was people’s comfort show, and JJ, was their comfort character, the perpetual under dog who despite his homelife was full of fun and mischief. The tragedy of this story is not so much JJ’s death but the fact that the writers fundamentally misunderstood why so many people connected with their show. They loved these kids. They wanted them to win in the end. 

And there is no winning now.

JJ should not have died.

Sometimes for stories to really live it’s best not to kill any of your darlings.

[ponett]

I have now finally seen the Mario movie. It was Pretty Good. Here are my wordy thoughts on it. (I am going to spoil the entire movie. Duh.)

In many ways, the Mario movie does what I wish the first Sonic movie had done. They just took the characters and the premise and the world from the games, and made it a straightforward animated adventure movie. It's bright and colorful and remixes things JUST enough to include fun elements from multiple games, and it doesn't make Mario get adopted by James Marsden or whatever. It even has the music!

That's all you really need, right? Right...?

I'll get this out of the way up front. Chris Pratt was fine. He's fine

If anything, it really feels like they did the movie a disservice by letting us hear so little of the Mario voice in the previews. It took one scene for Pratt to disappear into the role for me. It was totally fine. If anything, I found Charlie Day's normal voice coming out of Luigi WAY more distracting, even if I did like him in the role.

Everyone else was pretty good, for the most part. Jack Black was obviously very good as Bowser, but I'm biased. Seth Rogen does the Seth Rogen laughs as Donkey Kong, but I thought DK was fun, too. (I liked his little rivalry with Mario where he was just constantly giving him shit.) The only casting choice I truly hated was Fred Armisen as Cranky Kong. I hated every line that came out of his mouth. He sounds atrocious. Just the worst. I swear to fucking god if they do a DKC movie and we have to hear him for 90 minutes

I did think Peach was lacking, but that was on the script, not Anya Taylor-Joy's performance. It's cool to see Peach fight, but it's one of those all too common instances where the writers put so much effort into making the main girl kick ass and be an effortlessly confident girlboss that they forgot to give her an actual personality. Not that I'd point to Super Princess Peach and its mood swing superpowers as positive representation or anything, but there's a happy middle ground, surely. Shrek was 22 years ago, just having the princess do flying kung fu kicks isn't enough.

Okay. With the voices out of the way, let's talk about the big picture:

It's way better than the words "Illumination Mario movie" implied, and I mostly enjoyed my time with it. The spirit of Mario is there 100%. But I'd also describe it as "ruthlessly efficient."

This was perhaps the main complaint critics had, and they were absolutely right. People have responded to these totally average reviews with "Well, what did you expect? Shakespeare?! It's MARIO!!" Like, yes, I would prefer it if the movie I paid to see had writing that was good instead of bad. What a shocker. My issue isn't that it's not "high-brow" enough. The problem is that it feels mercenary. It feels like an editor went through and deleted almost every line of dialogue that isn't some form of exposition, at the expense of the pacing. Any scene that's not a montage or some sort of action is kept as short as they could make it, with barely any room for embellishment, character interaction, or anything other than the bare minimum word count to hit all the typical Save the Cat Hollywood screenwriting 101 story beats to the letter. There aren't even as many jokes as you might think (and the ones that are there are extremely hit or miss, including a lot of the slapstick with Mario himself).

Mario and Peach's little arc together in the front half of the film is probably the worst example of this pacing. Even having read reviews that complained about how fast Peach goes from meeting Mario (by her admission the first other human she's ever met) to deciding to train him as the new savior of the Mushroom Kingdom, I was SHOCKED at how fast it was. They don't even lampshade it.

Peach takes Mario straight into the big training sequence where he learns how to use mushrooms and jump over platforming obstacles. Peach is apparently already a hypercompetent platforming pro and a great fighter, so there's no clear reason why she's taking the time to train this random guy to be half as good as her when the world is in danger. Then they set off on their adventure, Toad joins them, and we get a VERY brief travel montage. It's about thirty seconds total - just long enough to give Peach a line about how she wants to protect this beautiful world of hers to try and give her some stakes. We get the genre-mandated nighttime campfire heart to heart, which is exactly long enough to have Mario say he misses Luigi and to have Peach give the two sentence summary of her origin story and not a second longer. Then they reach the Kongs, and their big journey is complete. (They barely interact for the rest of the movie.) So much of the movie is like this - always ready to get on to the next scene as soon as a new one starts.

I'm not criticizing the script because I expect The Super Mario Bros. Movie to be a prestige drama - although there are certainly halfhearted attempts at a dramatic arc. The stuff with Mario's family was a fun enough idea, but again, ruthless efficiency. We get one quick scene with them at the start to give Mario some pathos, because I guess Save the Cat said he's gotta have some pathos. And then Mario gets his dad's approval amidst the action of the final battle in Brooklyn to resolve his arc, just so the movie can end as quickly as possible once Bowser is defeated. (Despite now having the approval of their family and their community back in Brooklyn, Mario and Luigi move to the Mushroom Kingdom off-screen without a single word dedicated to this decision, because that's where they live in the games.)

Look. I am not comparing it to The Godfather. Don't give me that shit. I am not asking for an extra half hour to explore Mario and Luigi's childhood trauma. I am not asking for the complex inner workings of the Mushroom Kingdom monarchy. I know this is gonna be a basic Hero's Journey adventure for kids. It just feels like it's turning down so many opportunities to have a little fun with the characters, to let them interact and play off of each other, to let there be some adventure on this adventure. This is the first time we've gotten to see these characters interact with fully voiced dialogue in a very, very long time! "Yeah, it's not High Art, but it's FUN!" Stories are fun! Character interactions are fun! The script could be having so much more fun!! It is adamantly against making the Story parts of this story-driven movie any more Fun than they functionally need to be!!!

Mario, Peach, and Toad's journey to find the Kongs is shorter than the training montage that precedes it. After the opening, Bowser mostly just sits in his castle and waits for the third act to start. Luigi's there, too, but he only gets one scene with Bowser and then the movie mostly forgets he exists until the climax. He doesn't even get to try and sneak out of Bowser's castle and get up to hijinx. He's just there to be a motivation for Mario, so he sits in a cage for half the movie. It's the bare outline of a script with action scenes added in.

Aside from the fact that it's Jack Black singing as Bowser, I feel like this overly-efficient script might be part of the reason why the "Peaches" scene stands out so much. It's a moment that didn't strictly need to be there to keep the plot moving or to provide an action setpiece. It's not even a reference to another Mario thing. It's just a fun and memorable little character moment that's there for its own sake. That's what the movie needed more of. To stop and smell the roses more often. To play in the space.

To be clear, this isn't a unique problem with this movie. Critics have been noting for years that second acts are disappearing from big Hollywood movies in favor of the Act I plot setup and the Act III action, even though Act II is supposed to be where you get to explore your actual premise. And lots of animated movies give me this exact same vibe of being too "screenwriterly," or feeling like they had an executive breathing down their necks and demanding changes based on focus testing. But these common issues are why I come away mostly feeling like the movie is on the better end of "average," rather than totally blowing my mind. You have seen this movie many times before, just not with Mario in it.

And, of course, there's the music. The score by Brian Tyler based on various classic Mario and Donkey Kong tunes (frustratingly all attributed to Koji Kondo) is absolutely beautiful, but it's unfortunately frequently overshadowed by the licensed music. Everyone already complained about things like the use of Take On Me in place of a lovingly arranged DKC medley, but it feels illustrative of the tug of war the movie is caught in the middle of, between wanting to be a lavishly faithful Mario movie and wanting to be a generic tentpole animated adventure movie. Every single licensed song used is the most obvious, overused song they could have picked for the scene. It reeks of cynical executive meddling and it took me out of the movie every time.

But there really was a lot of care and love put into this movie - more than probably any other video game movie ever made, not that that's a high bar. I don't want to underplay that too much amidst all my complaints spurred by the absolutely insane response to the reviews.

Aside from the countless background references that people will be picking apart for years, touches like the Captain Toad tune playing in the background of Toad's introduction or the Mario Kart 8 menu music playing in the kart garage really help bring it to another level of authenticity. I also enjoyed seeing some more obscure Mario enemies that felt like they were picked more for being fun to animate than for being nostalgic and marketable. No matter how many times I sarcastically pointed to the screen and deadpanned "reference. reference." I am not immune to noticing these things and smiling. I am not immune to the DK Rap. These alone don't make the movie good, but it's nice to have a video game movie that feels like it was made by people who like video games.

Most importantly, the animation is great throughout. It's leaps and bounds ahead of other Illumination work, and it's the best the Mario cast has ever looked. They even made Donkey Kong handsome, somehow. They're all so squishy and expressive, and they move so fluidly - especially in the action scenes. I particularly liked the more kinetic ones like the aerial Banzai Bill chase and the Mario Kart sequence. Truly, the Mad Max-inspired car battle on Rainbow Road where Mario literally does the speedrun shortcut is this movie firing on all cylinders.

Other, more hand-to-hand fights nail the Popeye-esque vibe Mario should be going for. He's an underdog who gets the shit kicked out of him by bigger, stronger opponents until he gets his signature powerup and turns the tables on them. My favorite animation of all probably came from the use of Cat Mario to turn the tide in the DK fight. They had so much fun making Mario move like a cat. Again, it feels like a choice made because it'd be fun to animate rather than just a nostalgia move.

It's that animation and that attention to detail that carry the film, really. They elevate it from mediocrity into being a fun watch for a fan like me, albeit one I couldn't help but pick apart with Anthony as we watched it at home. I'm glad I saw it, but there's a lot of room to improve with the inevitable sequel. I hope they do. I can't deny that I had fun with the movie, but I hope next time that fun is partially because of the script instead of in spite of it.

Stray thoughts:

Overall, I would say I enjoyed the movie a lot more than Sonic 1, but probably not as much as Sonic 2. Not that these movies need to be pitted against each other.

I hated the Luma. I hated how hilarious they clearly thought the Luma was. They have the fucking Luma break the fourth wall to end the movie and start the credits. This is going to be a deep cut for fans of bad animated films, but the whole time I was just thinking of the little fish from Romeo & Juliet: Sealed With A Kiss who's just the director's kid saying random nonsense. You know I'm right

I rolled my eyes at the "our princess is in another castle" joke and several other jokes that would have been dated in a gamer webcomic 20 years ago but I guess they had to be there

How much of Brooklyn did Bowser's giant floating castle take out? We know 9/11 happened in this universe because the Freedom Tower is there, hasn't New York been through enough

I can't believe there's a Diskun easter egg

The dog is the most Illumination character design in the movie. It felt like it wandered on set from The Secret Life of Pets

Mario being a gamer and playing Kid Icarus of all things just made me remember this tweet:

Yes Anthony did get mad at me for being thirsty for Bowser

[hurpdurpburps]

The Otherside Picnic Michelin Guide

Instead of prepping all the shit I have to do for an upcoming 80-hour work week, my procrastination has led me to writing this list, which is mostly a food-focused curation of my OP Pilgrimage Destination List, with new additions that I've discovered since publishing that.

I like to eat and my 4 years of working as a food journalist have sorta ingrained a subconscious razor-sharp attention to mentions of food in the media that I consume (pun intended). Armed with 5 years of experience living full-time in Tokyo, I've decided to redirect my powers for the Greater Gastronomic Good.

All photos featured are taken from Tablelog/official sources. I haven't been to any of these places myself, but you bet your ass I will be visiting most of them and writing up reviews on here when I'm done.

1. Kitchen Nankai Jinbocho (キッチン南海 神保町店)

The "Western food" (洋食) place Sorawo and Toriko visited for a quick builder's lunch in Vol 6 (File 20 - T is for Templeborn).

In case you're interested in what our protagonists ate:

Sorawo ordered the tonkatsu curry (カツカレー) topped with cheese, while Toriko went for the fried flounder and ginger pork with rice (ひらめフライ生姜焼きライス).

From the photos on their Tablelog page, raw egg seems to be the most popular topping for curry, which is surprising to me since cheese seems like the most intuitive candidate. Best to bring a healthy appetite since their portions look absolutely huge.

2. Sichuan Cuisine Aki Jinbocho (四川料理 秋 神保町本店)

The Chinese restaurant near Jinbocho station where Toriko and Sorawo held their first ever afterparty together after hunting the kunekune.

Unlike what the name implies, it seems to be a run-of-the-mill Chinese place that kinda does a jack-of-all-trades menu rather than any focused niche in Sichuan cuisine. They even have peking duck on the menu according to their Tablelog page, but I can't guarantee if it'd be any good.

If you want to follow what SoraTori ordered, then go for the cashew chicken (鶏肉のカシューナッツ炒め), cumin lamb (ラム肉のクミン炒め) and water spinach (空芯菜), and wash it all down with Tsingtao beer.

3. Cafe Pause Ikebukuro

The cafe where Toriko and Sorawo had their first fight. Its location right behind Junkudo presumably translates into a lot of foot traffic from bookworms. Reviews that I've read say that more than half of its customers come here just to read in peace, and it's got free wifi to boot, so the ambience's probably top notch as well.

The cafe regularly updates its menu (but not online, sadly) and offers a wide range of cafe staples such as fresh pasta lunch sets and homemade baked goods. If you want to recreate Sorawo's one-woman feast, you can check to see if the menu has some or all of the following items:

Taco rice

Chocolate and sour cherry cake

Matcha terrine

“Tart of the day” topped with raspberries

Caffè latte

Grape-flavoured black tea (ぶどうの紅茶)

Check out their website and Instagram here.

4. Maison c

Also nearby Junkudo is this cosy little wine bar in Ikebukuro where Sorawo and Toriko had a rather gloomy dinner after the Ninja Cat saga in Vol 2 (File 8 - Little Bird in a Box).

They don't have a website or a menu, but from what I could glean from their Instagram, they serve mostly seasonal French-Italian fare. Order some sparkling red wine and a prosciutto-salami platter for that SoraTori experience.

Place looks tiny so I wouldn't try to visit with more than one companion, or at least not without a reservation (strictly by phone).

6. Keio Plaza Hotel Shinjuku

The buffet that The Girls stuffed their faces at for their first anniversary dinner in Vol 7 (File 22 - Toilet Paper Moon) is the Glass Court Super Buffet, located on the 2nd floor.

The line in the book about roast beef being their signature is probably true. I mean LOOK AT THIS:

Other shout-outs from the book (MASSIVE HUNGER WARNING):

Picking away at the appetizer of sakura shrimp and lily bulbs as we talked, our first glasses were soon empty.

I gluttonously loaded up my plate with fresh fried tempura, mussels, foie gras with strawberry sauce, Berkshire pork and mountain vegetables fried in miso, and tom yum noodles. Toriko got a chicken stir fry with chili peppers, chicken liver and bamboo shoots in garlic, a bunch of Iberian ham, and more. It was a lot of meat, but she also had a Caesar salad and yuba maki rolls, so she still succeeded in having a somewhat stylish plate overall.

Just a bit of an intermission here to note a couple of slight mistranslations. The Japanese text is as follows:

揚げたての天ぷらとか、ムール貝とか、フォアグラの苺ソースがけとか黒豚と山菜の味噌焼きとかトムヤム麵とか、欲望のまま皿に取ってきた。鳥子は鶏肉の唐辛子炒め、砂肝と筍のガーリック風味、たっぷりの生ハムなどなど、やたら肉が多めだったけど、ちゃんとシーザーサラダや野菜の湯葉巻きなんかも取っていて、全体として小洒落た感じにまとめることに成功していた。

砂肝 (sunagimo - lit. "sand liver") refers to the gizzard. The name is derived from how the organ works, which stores bits of grit to help grind up food before it's digested, since birds can't chew.

生ハム (nama hamu - lit. "raw ham") is a term for generic proscuitto, and is not interchangeable with the much more culturally/geographically-specific parma ham or jamon iberico.

We both went to the buffet and came back, having gotten gratin, paella, beef curry, and other heavy foods that would pair well with red wine.

Toriko asked between bites of roast beef. It was the type the chef cuts as you watch, and I’d gotten some too. This was supposed to be one of their best dishes here and the taste reflected that.

I got a tiny cake and a confection called nerikiri, then poured myself a cup of black tea.

It was Crêpes Suzette, warm crepes in an orange sauce with coconut ice cream on top.

The second half of the night takes place at the Aurora Sky Lounge on the 45th floor.

Definitely a great (and very convenient) choice to bring a date to get in the mood.

7. Chichibu Waraji Katsu Tei (秩父わらじかつ亭)

After escaping Hasshaku-sama in Vol 1 (File 2 - Hasshaku-sama Survival), Toriko and Sorawo had dinner at a waraji katsu shop located within the food court of a recreational complex that was connected to Seibu-Chichibu station.

This complex is called Matsuri No Yu (祭の湯) and the only waraji katsu shop here is Chichibu Waraji Katsu Tei (秩父わらじかつ亭).

Here's their Tablelog page. According to reviews, the standard serving size is two pieces of katsu. Miyazawa really wasn't lying about meat overflowing from the bowl.

8. Masan's Home (琉球酒場 ま～さんの家)

The Okinawan izakaya that Sorawo and Toriko pigged out at after finding themselves on Kokusai-dori in Naha.

Their Tablelog page features a very extensive menu. Jimami tofu and sea grapes are a must if you're visiting Okinawa for the first time, and I also recommend going for the local sashimi platter as well as other Okinawan specialties such as rafute, Okinawa soba, goat sashimi and bitter gourd stir-fry (ゴーヤチャンプルー).

Honourable Mentions

1. Mendokoro Maruwa (麺処 まるわ)

In case you missed it, there was an OP x ramen collab back in 2018. You can read all about it in my first ever tumblr post (literally I made a whole ass tumblr acc bc I felt like I NEEDED to share it with the world lmao).

I'm not sure if the Ultra Blue is still up on the menu (probably not after all these years), but if you're enthusiastic about the restaurant's link with the series then perhaps it's worth checking out. Their signature is the basil salt tsukemen (バジルソルトつけ麺) so it wouldn't be too different from the Ultra Blue in terms of base flavour profile.

Here's their Tablelog page and Twitter.

PS. This place is in Chiba prefecture, outside of Tokyo. So like idk maybe plan it before a Disneyland trip or smth to be more time-efficient.

2. Kayu San Chin Keio Mall (粥餐庁 京王モール店)

The Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) food therapy restaurant that Sorawo and gang visited in Vol 3 after the events of the Kotoribako was KOGA Seibu Ikebukuro (皇雅西武池袋店), which closed down a few years ago.

While not a perfect replacement, there's a store specialising in Chinese-style congee located at the Keio Mall in Shinjuku, called Kayu San Chin (粥餐庁 - lit. "congee restaurant" in Chinese).

Their menu is similar enough (sans the TCM tea selection that was apparently a signature offering by Koga).

3. A Whole Buncha Meat Places

Kozakura treated Toriko and Sorawo to a luxurious steak lunch near Shakujii-kōen station after the kidnapping incident in Vol 4 (File 12 - The Matter of that Farm). While Meat Bar Modavaca (ニクバル モダ・バッカ) has since closed down, there's more than a handful of places where you can try out the quintessential "sizzling hot plate" Japanese steakhouse experience for yourself.

Ikinari Steak (いきなり！ステーキ) is the most easily accesible place where you can order a cut of beef by weight. It's a chain, so don't get your hopes up with regards to the meat quality, but it's also a convenient and budget-friendly option. Website here.

Steak Kuni (ステーキくに) is a similar concept business but on a much smaller scale - with only three locations so far split between Tokyo, Natori in Miyagi prefecture and Koshigaya in Saitama prefecture. Website and Instagram here.

Beef Up Tokyo is a chic joint nestled somewhere near the Yaesu side of Tokyo station near Kyobashi. Which bumps it up really high on my to-try list based on the location alone (I'm pretty sure my usual hotel is max 2 streets away from it). They have basic options that start at 1,800 yen for a 200g cut of run-of-the-mill sirloin, to A5 marbled wagyu going at 3,600 yen for the same size. Which is a steal imo. Click here for their Tablelog page, Instagram and official website.

Pound-Ya Roppongi (听屋 六本木) is another option if you want to splurge a little bit more on quality. Their wagyu steaks are priced at 2,200 yen/100g for the rump/round and 4,000 yen/100g for the sirloin, with the filet taking the cake at 5,600 yen/100g. Tablelog page and Instagram here.

PS. I KNOW that you laughed at that name.

[pupintransit]

A couple years back there was some drama in the SCP community. This is going somewhere i promise.

A story there, SCP-2721, went and made a lot of people very upset for reasons that only make sense if you're predisposed to not letting people have fun writing silly stories. Ostensibly the story documents a strange satellite orbiting the moon. It's made up of two parts, one mostly flesh and the other mostly machinery, connected together by a biomechanical cord. The Foundation doesn't know why it's there but the writings the satellite creates suggests something nefarious. The flesh part (LYRE) finds humanity via Tumblr and through this discovery forms a new identity as a trans woman. She starts a blog, becomes a Homestuck fan, and eventually the mechanical part (LORD) learns to be happy for her.

As a piece of fiction I do not care for it. It's a really interesting concept but I think it leans too hard into the Tumblr fandom culture and becomes alienating and embarrassing to read in a way I don't think the author intended. That's part of the negative attention it received. As much as i don't condone the vitriol the author received, the more I learn about Homestuck and its fandom the worse my life gets. But that wasn't why it got hated on en masse the way it did; It was due largely to LYRE identifying specifically as a trans woman.

There's plenty of stories in the canon of science fiction where aliens and robots learn about humanity and become "more human" as a consequence. There's an episode of Star Trek TNG where an alien develops a gender and gets in shit from her culture about it, and becoming "more human" was basically Data's whole ass character development. Why not have fun with that? Why not have something inhuman decide that, in discovering the intricacies of human society, that being specifically a trans woman is what speaks to them? It spoke to LYRE after all. She found a kinship with a group of humans she could relate to, and in so doing finds a new purpose and abandons the broadly hostile task she was created to perform.

So, here's why I'm leading this mini-essay with a review of a barely passable sci-fi story about a space abomination who learns that she's trans: I wish i were a trans man. Had I been AFAB and transitioned into a trans man I would have had a better quality of life than I do now.

Let's unpack that, shall we?

It's an unconventional thing to apsire to, especially as someone who is AMAB and is basically indistinguishable from a cisgender man right up until you get to my neovagina. For a lot of trans men that's their goal, to not get clocked and be perceived simply as "a man." It's my husband's goal at least, and he's told me (politely) that he doesn't understand the appeal of why being a trans man is aspirational to me. The things about the AFAB experience that I find envious are the sort of thing he transitioned to get away from.

For one, I would have loved a natal vulva. I adore my neovagina, do not misunderstand me. It will stand at the best decision i've ever made until they put me in the ground. But there's things it won't ever be capable of. I would have liked a larger clit for example, and it would have been so exciting to watch it grow in size the further into taking testosterone I get. It would've made sex easier as well. I'd be able to naturally lube myself up with way less of a warm-up, and I wouldn't have to dilate in order to maintain the health of that organ. Those aren't things i can accomplish with the body i have now.

Second, I might have liked having breasts. Smaller boobs run in my family so if I worked out my chest enough I wouldn't need top surgery; they'd just look like softer than normal pecs. Even if top surgery were something i decided i need, it wouldn't be near as disabling as my vaginoplasty. It would still suck on toast and i'm not pretending otherwise, but my husband and other trans masc friends were back to their normal lives by around a month and a half. I've still got at least nine more months until that's true for me.

And finally, and this one is still odd to say out loud for me but... I wish i were able to become pregnant. Occasionally I'll get into a dysphoric zone where it'll dawn on me that my vaginal canal doesn't lead anywhere. There's no uterus or ovaries or cervix attached to it. The only way i can think to describe it is that i feel a physical emptiness inside me. I never really wanted biological kids and for a long time I didn't want to ever be pregnant even if i had the parts for it. It does weird shit to your body after all, so me wanting to avoid it is understandable. But i don't want to avoid it anymore. I want to feel something grow inside me, and nuture a life with my body. I want to have a uterus, to ovulate, and to experience a pregnancy while still being masc presenting. And I could have done that if I were a trans man, but barring a very impressive advancement in medical science that won't be possible in my lifetime.

And I feel guilty about wanting to be a trans man for those reasons because so many of them hate their bodies for the exact same reasons I would want to love mine. Sure, there's plenty of transgender men who like all or some of their "female" body parts and don't feel the need to medically transition into something that passes as cis, but enough do and are vocal about their dysphoria to where i have a bad taste in my mouth for wanting what i do.

Writing this is a challenge as well because I'm trying to balance expressing my feelings honestly while simultaneously not romanticising a lived experience i don't have, nor infantilizing a group of queer folks by indirectly inferring that I know how they do or should feel about themselves. Am i doing a good job at that? I suppose i'll find after i post this fuckin' thing.

A question that gets posed to trans people a lot is, if you could push a button to become cisgender, would you do it? My husband would; being a cis man from the start would have solved a lot of his problems. I can't say that i would make that choice though. I could in theory push the button to make myself a cis woman and that would get me most of the way to where i want to be in terms of physical sensation, but i wouldn't feel like myself. I love being hairy, i love my masculinity, and i love being a man with a cunt. For me, what I want out of my life relies on my body being a specifically transgender one. My ideal transition goals would have me become a transgender man.

And is that honestly such a strange thing for someone AMAB to want?

Gender transition is a very unique experience for the folks who go through with it. Everyone wants different things, and even though i have trouble understanding why anyone would want a cock and balls (they're so bulky! and in the way! all the time!), I do understand feeling like your body is wrong or incomplete. In a perfect world we'd be able to design ourselves from scratch and pick whatever parts we want. Why not have fun with that? Why not make an active choice as a cis woman to give yourself a cock and balls, or give yourself a uterus and become pregnant as an non-binary AMAB? Culturally we view gender transition as being a shift from one end of the spectrum to the other, and it doesn't have to be. If you want to be one sex, both, neither, or in my case transition specifically into being a transgender man, that can and should be seen as a valid choice.

Maybe SCP-2721 isn't such a bad story after all.

[eatpeesweetpea]

REVIEW: My 2nd case of COVID-19

TW: mild self destructive behavior, mentions of ED, the state of California

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"[COVID-19] is the Vipassana retreat of viruses..."

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Following north of two years after its debut, my immune system has encountered its sophomore case of COVID-19. Because I am up to date on my vaccines and boosters as of the time of writing, this is an impressive context for COVID-19's return.

It began as a slight and deceptive, "something's stuck in my throat" sort of feeling at the end of a five day road trip through the California. (Let this serve as foreshadowing to how I will review the state of California.) I had choked on a ramen noodle earlier in the day, so I thought nothing of it. The accompanying "off" body feeling that gradually intensified into the evening made the final leg of the drive somewhat uncomfortable. But overall, an underwhelming opener.

COVID-19 really picked up the following morning. Since my girlfriend is a furnace, she can attest that I sleep slight: one blanket, one pillow, soldier, grumpy. No cuddles. I woke up roughly two hours earlier than usual attempting to sell my music in order to exit the freeway on a motorcycle. In my delirium, I whined and snuggled up. I was shivering under two blankets in a sweater, and clammy. My yucky throat feeling had evolved into an icky dry cough that sometimes produced a satisfying wad of phlegm. I was too lazy to get up and get socks to thaw my icy toes.

Post 600 mg ibuprofen, I had reclaimed some vitality and managed to drag my sorry ass home. I dilly dallied unproductively around my room for most of the day, feeling somewhat paranoid about brain fog, long COVID, some weird swelling above my hips, etc. Come nighttime and my fever had crept back up to a surprising 102.9° F. I slumped at the dining room table and spooned hot chicken soup into my hanging mouth. There is something very fascinating and rewarding about these sorry, altered states of consciousness, and I pondered that for a few minutes before redosing. I went to bed shortly after and passed out.

I mostly slept through the night, only beginning to stir prematurely towards morning. I half-awoke very unpleasantly drenched in sweat and flipped the blankets around a couple times to evenly distribute the spoilage. Once I fully woke up, I recorded my temp at a cool 97.2° F. In fact, the rest of the day went swimmingly. I completed some chores, did some painting, and cooked for myself with minimal medication and nursing only a somewhat irritating cough. My throat was more itchy than sore. As for the body feel, I think I could have successfully ran a quarter-marathon given a sufficiently motivated bear or pack of wolves.

Overall, I have mixed feelings on COVID-19. Within the context of its contemporaries, COVID-19 did no more harm than a moderate flu, and I much prefer its dry, manageable cough to the agony of strep throat. The body load and fatigue of COVID-19 was notably brutal on its first day, but backed off much more quickly than any other condition of its caliber. The true scale-tippers here are the social effects of COVID-19; this is the only sickness where you are expected to inform all of your previous company of the potential that you got them sick. Not fun. This is also the only common illness where you can't get away with re-entering society right about when you feel better. The strict code of courtesy around COVID-19 is good and ethical, but knocks it down a couple points by the standards of my review.

That's not to say there are only negatives. On the other side of the coin, I have appreciated the impetus to refocus on art and personal reflection. I've made my maiden voyage through more albums in the last two days than the last two months. I made my first Tumblr post. As someone who is typically noncommittal about disordered eating, I considered the mild reduction in appetite a plus. And further on the topic of self-destructive glee, anybody who claims they don't want to see just how high they can get their temperature before they get scared is full of shit. Number go up funny dopamine -- so I appreciated the astounding effort on fever here.

If you are looking for a new sickness to contract and have a light ten days ahead, keep COVID-19 on your radar. It is the Vipassana retreat of viruses: painful, isolating, meditative, and occasionally gross. Tolerable. Just don't feel tempted to share the love.

6/10

[pipermca]

I am accepting @altraviolet's challenge (from the post here) for the fic writer questionnaire. This looks like fun! *cracks knuckles*

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

90

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,133,042 (holy shit)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I mostly write for Transformers these days. I do have a little short story cooking for Centaurworld; maybe I'll get that jotted down some day.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I can definitely see how writing for a popular ship will skew your stats on your fics, and smut gives bonus points. 😅

Frag the Police. Jazz/Prowl, NSFW

Claim Rejected. MegOP, SFW

Peer Review. Starscream/Wheeljack, NSFW

Anamnesis. Jazz/Prowl, SFWish (has plug-n-play interfacing)

Public Indecency. Jazz/Prowl, NSFW

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! I love comments and I want to pass on that appreciation. 💗

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm. Even my darker stories usually have a bit of light in the end, since I am a sucker for happy (if possibly bittersweet) endings. But the story Atrocity (please mind the tags on that one) leaves Bluestreak in a bad place at the end, and nothing is really resolved.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I have lots of fics with really happy endings! But in terms of having no hanging ends, I think The Renegade and the Hound might be the happiest. 🤗 The last chapter of that fic is all warm fuzzies for the characters.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet. 😄 I've gotten some vaguely critical comments sometimes but I wouldn't call that hate.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Ooooh yeah. I write it all. I'll even write the weird stuff there's no terms for. Give me that weird-ass smut.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I tend to write fusions rather than traditional crossovers, but the weirdest one was very recent: The Spark and the Lightning, which is the War for Cybertron game crossed/fused with Dune.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! The fic Becoming has been translated into Russian.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Sort of? A friend and I tossed little bits of a story back and forth several years ago, each of us building on what the other had just written. I have the bits all collected, but I'm not sure if it'll ever see the light of day.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Bluestreak/Hound. 💗

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

It's in the Alt Modes and Alchemy AU. Basically it's the events of the climax of The Renegade and the Hound and a period immedately afterwards, but from Perceptor's POV. It's written as a half diary/half academic paper. The title is:

On the Restoration of Cybertron: An Analysis and Personal Account, or A Treatise on the Effects of the Destruction of the Matrix of Leadership on Cybertron and its Inhabitants from an Alchemical Perspective, and a Personal Account of said Event as Recalled by Perceptor of Iacon, Head Alchemist of Optimus Prime.

It's hella fun, and I'd love to finish it, but it keeps moving out of my "currently working on" stack into the "shelved" stack. :/

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm good at worldbuilding and writing those juicy emotional scenes.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Finishing stuff. 😅 But seriously, I have a tendency to go back and rework stuff I've written (but not yet posted) instead of working forward on getting more words down. I love editing too much I think. >.<

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

It's fine? It should be clear to the reader what the dialogue says without them having to Google Translate it. Anything that stops a reader and takes them out of the flow of the story is a Bad Thing imo.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Hahaha! I think the first actual fanfic I wrote was in the Time Quintet series (specifically after reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet) by Madeleine L'Engle. I think I was about 8 or 9.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Hmm. My favourite long fic is Mind, Body, and Soul (which was long and self-indulgent and I said everything I wanted to say about the Big Themes of the story). My favourite short fic is probably Datastream, mostly because I dipped into Cybertronian brains and weird sci-fi elements, mixed with formatting to help tell the story. :)

That was fun! Consider yourself tagged if you want to play along.

[kaijuworldorder]

Gadzooki + Konky Donk: The Empire Magazine review

Oh shit I was supposed to post this weeks ago and forgot, oops. Anyway, having seen Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire a second time and solidified my opinion of it, yeah it's pretty good! Major glow-up from the previous entry. It's not perfect and is no less stupid than its predecessor, but it's the kind of dumb movie that I like, one that doesn't go out of its way to insult my intelligence or annoy me. The things that worked about Godzilla vs. Kong are here only way more, and the things that sucked are mostly not here. There's just enough substance that my adult self is happy, and all the mindless wild spectacle that makes kWo Junior cheer and want to bash action figures together. Adam Wingard said in an interview that his aim was to make a modern-day Toho Champion Festival movie, and I think he succeeded. I'm no longer nearly as worried about the future of the MonsterVerse as I was. I thought this picture was going to suck ass, but I sure ate my words. 4 stars, check it out if you haven't yet.

There's the short version. Under the cut, I'll get into specifics of what I liked and what I didn't. If you're still wanting to see GxK and somehow haven't yet, I recommend doing so before reading on, because I spoil a lot of the movie here.

WHAT I LIKED

Big-time Inhumanoids vibes. The tone, the “journey into a subterranean world to stop evil monsters from taking over Earth” plot, Skar King being kinda like Metlar personality-wise and living in a horrible lava hell, the wacky pseudoscience and power armor (well, just a gauntlet but you get the picture), the gruesome violence…I half-expected the end credits to sound like this. GxK is the closest I think we will ever get to a big-budget theatrical Inhumanoids motion picture, unless a miracle happens and Hasbro decides to give a shit again and buys back the rights. For those who aren't familiar with Inhumanoids: get familiar with it, you’ll thank me later.

Rebecca Hall's new hairstyle. Yeah.

Bernie no longer sucks. Way less grating and unfunny, doesn't parrot fascist talking points every goddamned second, and the sense of wonder he shows upon seeing the Hollow Earth for the first time really won me over.

Jia. One of the previous movie’s strongest aspects in my opinion, particularly her dynamic with Kong, and that holds true in this picture as well. She gets a good deal more to do, shows off more range, and her whole emotional arc in this hits just right for me. Feeling alone even though you’re not, feeling like you don’t fit in anywhere, thinking there must be something wrong with you but you can’t put it into words…these are things I can relate to all too well. And I won’t lie, I choked up when she chose to stay with Andrews at the end.

Unfridging the Iwi. The previous film’s most egregious, unforgivable misstep has been walked back, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s also good to see the Iwi having a more active role in the story, instead of basically being window dressing like in Kong: Skull Island, which as much as I love that movie was kind of a problem. It helps that the Hollow Earth Iwi are just extremely cool. Love the crystal spears, the gravity pyramid and all their other Sufficiently Advanced tech. They’re like if Seatopia weren’t horrible assholes, or if the Nilai Kanai were in a better movie. I like 'em!

Dentist! A thing I love about the MonsterVerse is how it comes up with creative stuff involving kaiju that no other movie has ever really thought to do (e.g. Godzilla flashing Chellen-kov LIGHT from his spines as a threat display). I also like that it shows how the world has changed in response to the emergence of Godzilla and the others—how culture, the economy, politics, and general day-to-day life have shaped themselves around these creatures. Trapper exemplifies both of these things really well. I doubt I would ever have come up with the idea of a kaiju veterinarian, let alone written a scene showing how a dental procedure on a 300-foot ape would work, but I'm so grateful for that level of worldbuilding. He’s also just a goofy weird guy and I like him.

Golden Earring "Twilight Zone" needle drop. One of my favorite songs of all time is in this movie and I know it's kinda stupid to pop for things like that, but goddammit I loved it.

Kong’s arc. There’s just something really satisfying about finally seeing a King Kong who isn’t the last of his kind. Plus he gets a Trendmasters accessory robo-glove gimmick, which is just stupid enough that I'm into it.

Monster rasslin'. I do wish the fight scenes had more weight and scale to them, but goddamn, they're just so much fun and visually engaging. I can't dislike a movie where Godzilla does a vertical suplex.

Sucko. I love this horrible little ugly-cute weirdo/giant ape version of Rock Howard, and not just because “hehe funni mokney” or the bit where Kong uses him as a blunt object to clobber those other assholes. I got genuinely invested in him and Kong bonding, as he realizes that barely anyone in the Skar King’s domain ever showed him genuine kindness before. He is good and can stay.

The Skar King. Fantastic love-to-hate-him scumbag villain, chock-full of personality. You really want to see Kong and Godzilla kick this guy’s ass, and his cruelty and tyranny getting paid back in full at the end is so satisfying. The only thing that really sucks about him is his uncreative name. Like come on, “Hanuman” was RIGHT THERE, especially since the Whipslash can totally stand in for a tail.

Skar King’s soldiers. I love these Lost City of Zinj-ass motherfuckers. They're nasty and fun and I want action figures of them yesterday, so hey uh, Playmates, maybe get on that? Not like you'd have to spend a ton of money either, just reuse the Ferocious Kong and Skar King body molds and make a couple new heads, splash some red paint on em and voila, instant gorilla warfare. That one balding ape with the fucked-up eye who Sucko kicks off the pyramid to his death might require some new tooling, but nothing major.

Shimo. It's nice to have an antagonist monster who isn't evil, and is still alive at the end of the picture. We don't often get reptilian monsters not named Godzilla that are babyfaces, and ice powers are rare in Toho kaiju circles. She's just a breath of fresh air, with a simple but effective design and a genuine emotional hook; I really felt bad for her when the Skar King was bossing her around and basically torturing her, and the joy she feels at her freedom from his control transcends onto me, the viewer.

Mothra is so fucking back. She makes her presence felt, she doesn't die this time, and she gets a little more to do here than in King of the Monsters, which I appreciate. I still say she ought to have a solo spinoff movie; she's Strong and Cool™ enough to stand on her own, and there's so much more you can do with her than just being Godzilla's conscience and bestest pal.

Tiamat. It was nice to see her in motion finally instead of just being relegated to tie-in comics that the movies ignore 99.9% of the time. Shame we’re never gonna see her again.

WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE

Junkie XL's score. Soulless and unmemorable hackery, just like his work on Godzilla vs. Kong. The Skar King motif sounds like he started to compose something and then just gave up. He also has a Jimmy Hart version of "Mothra's Song" to accompany the previous movie's Jimmy Hart Godzilla theme, and it's just as lame. Bring back McCreary or Desplat, please and thank ya.

AVP-wi. As much as I like the Hollow Earth Iwi, I’m a little annoyed that the Iwi are now apparently the only ancient monster-worshiping culture there has ever been. It feels dumbed down, and limits what future stories in this setting will be able to do.

Godzilla Evolved. Boy oh boy do I have a lot to say about this, none of it good. Godzilla's new look is way too busy and overdesigned with all these spiky greebles all over him that make him look more like a Monster Hunter boss than the King of the Monsters, and his proportions physically hurt me to look at. Where did all the internal organs in his torso go to make his waist that slim? What the fuck is up with his arms? Why are there dorsal spines growing out of his elbows and forearms? It just doesn't look right. I get that they're trying to evoke the Godzilla 2000 design with the giant pink spines and slimmer body proportions and the spikier and slightly greener skin (it's even got the same feet) but it just isn't done that well, and besides, if I wanted to see that design, I'd watch that movie. It’s just fucking up the cohesion of the Legendary Godzilla design and eroding its visual identity even more, dragging it further and further in directions it wasn’t meant to go in a cynical capitalistic move to sell new toys. I said it in 2019 and I'll say it again: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Moreover, it's 100% cosmetic and doesn't actually affect the movie at all in any meaningful way, it's just Dragon Ball-style "new color = stronger" power creep. We keep being told how much more powerful Godzilla is now, but we're not shown any evidence that there's a significant difference. It doesn't feel like there's anything Evolved Godzilla does that regular Godzilla couldn't or hasn't before. He doesn't act any different or display new abilities. His new thagomizer and Batmanesque arm spines? Never uses 'em, they're just more surface greebles to clutter up the design. Why make changes like that if you're not gonna do anything with them? Hell, the only new trick Godzilla shows off in this, the classic blue Nuclear Pulse, is something he uses before he evolves! And then he never does it again after that! Even the atomic breath color change is meaningless. We're told it's stronger than before, but again, we never actually see that; it doesn’t seem to do any more damage to monsters or buildings than the old one did. Sure, it burns away Shimo's ice storm at the end, but Godziller burned a tunnel all the way through the fucking Earth with the regular blue breath in the last movie, so it doesn't really feel like something he needed a new form to be able to do. I don't believe for one second that Godzilla Evolved was necessary; there's not enough real difference between it and Original Flavor Godzilla to justify its existence. I realize that's probably unfair of me to say since I don't know if or how much anything that would've helped illustrate the difference better may have been part of the movie before but got cut for time, but to me at least, the effect on the finished film is that Most Powered-Up New Godzilla® just feels like a palette swap in a video game, and that's not great. Maybe instead, oh I dunno, you could have Godzilla have a rough time and just barely win against Scylla in Rome instead of wasting her in seconds, Final Wars-style? Maybe have a little flashback to the ancient war of Godzilla vs. Hanuman & 700 Big Gorilla, like show him barely surviving that, so we get an idea of what he's up against? Then when he powers up, we can buy that he's stronger now, like a sense of progression or something. Instead, what we get is basically a Hong Kong martial arts flick if it showed the hero doing a training montage and then beating all the bad guys, but didn't show any of why he needed to train in the first place, e.g. the bad guys kicking his ass. It's a payoff with no setup. I assume this is probably a side effect of Godzilla in New Empire being what immature people with bad opinions claim he was in Godzilla (2014)—a guest star in his own movie—so there might not have been a way to avoid this problem without significantly altering the pacing, but like…could they have at least fucking tried?

[thedreadmachine]

We're here.

Hello Tumblr fam. I'm Alin (@allhailalin), the executive editor of an indie magazine you've probably never heard of (The Dread Machine). We've been publishing dark speculative short stories and poetry since 2020.

We mostly toil in obscurity. We've never won any awards, nor are we ever featured in reviewer blogs. Our marketing game apparently sucks, because nothing we've tried has worked.

As a niche-within-a-niche, we knew profitability was a pipe dream, but we hoped we'd be able to build a solid community and make something awesome together. We've succeeded in that respect. Our Discord server is considered one of the friendliest and most welcoming in the indie publishing space. Our web metrics are bonkers. However, our financial performance sucks, so we've had to stop publishing stories for free in an effort to boost print and digital subscription sales.

I fucking hate this change. I hate that our stories and poetry aren't being read and shared all over the internet. I hate having to "sell" what we're doing. Each quarterly issue costs us between $1,700 and $2,400 to make, so it's not even like it costs a fortune to do this. Our failure to cover even half of our expenses after three years is pretty upsetting, because we know people value what we're doing...they just don't value it enough to help ensure its continuation.

Indie publishers are being taken for granted, and this is why we're all dying off.

Currently, we pay $0.05/word for original fiction and $10 per poem. My goal was to increase our rates to $0.08/word in January of this year, but we're not in a position to increase our overhead any further.

So, I'm here to let you know we exist, and we'd love if you joined us. If you're into writing, science fiction, cyberpunk, slipstream, synthwave, pixel art, video games, and TTRPGs, you should come hang out with us in our Discord server. Maybe consider subscribing or supporting us on Patreon or Ko-fi. Follow us on Kickstarter so you can be alerted when we get desperate enough to run a campaign. You can also follow me on Tumblr, if you like Disco Elysium fan art and synthwave stuff.

Idk man. We're just a bunch of punk asses doing the best we can to keep written art alive. Join us if you're into it. Reblog this and we'll love you forever.

[kevinsreviewcatalogue]

Review: Never Hike Alone: The Ghost Cut (2020)

Never Hike Alone: The Ghost Cut (2020)

Not rated

<Originally posted at https://kevinsreviewcatalogue.blogspot.com/2023/10/review-never-hike-alone-ghost-cut-2020.html>

Score: 4 out of 5

If you've read my, or anybody else's, reviews of the Friday the 13th series, you'd know that it has a very spotty track record. The first movie is hardly most people's pick for the best in the series, the fact that there were more than twice as many films after the one titled The Final Chapter than before it has made the series the butt of jokes about horror franchises that get run into the ground, and nearly half the movies in this series range from just mediocre to borderline unwatchable. In short, it's an iconic slasher series where it wouldn't take much to make a movie that's around the middle of the pack quality-wise where its installments are concerned. And given the long legal battle that plagued this series for much of the 2010s, leave it to the fans to make just such a film. Never Hike Alone: The Ghost Cut is an anthology-style compilation of three Friday fan films by Womp Stomp Films that together range from pretty good to one of the most inspired things ever done with the idea of a big guy in a hockey mask hacking people up with a machete. It's a labor of love that (being a non-commercial fan film) is free to watch online, and which I highly recommend doing.

The film starts with a music video called "Disappear", a darkly humorous opening where Jason Voorhees hacks up three teenagers who ventured into the ruins of Camp Crystal Lake to drink and screw, all soundtracked by the titular acoustic guitar song by Trevor Vaughan. It sets the mood very nicely, playing right into our expectations of what a Friday movie is and delivering exactly that, while also examining just what Jason might be like in his "downtime" when he's not hacking people to bits. The second segment, Never Hike in the Snow, started out strong by showing Jason in an environment that's new to him: the winter, chasing and killing a young man named Mark Hill through the snowy woods. It starts off strong with a great buildup to a great kill, though as it went on it became the weakest segment in the film by my estimation, turning increasingly disjointed with plots about the sheriff Rick Cologne (a returning character from Jason Lives played by the same actor, Vincent Guastaferro) comforting the victim's mother, the same sheriff having to deal with Tommy Jarvis (again, returning from Jason Lives with Thom Mathews reprising his role) as news of the murder causes him to come out of the woodwork suspecting that Jason is back, and a scene of a hapless deputy going into the woods searching for clues as to Mark's murder. Each scene was exceptionally well-shot even by the standards of a professionally produced film, let alone a fan flick, but while there were interesting ideas, especially in the scene with the mother, it didn't come together particularly well.

Fortunately, the film spent the next hour with its best part by far, its titular centerpiece originally filmed and released in 2017 and later included with the other two segments as the "Ghost Cut". This is mostly a one-man show in which a hiking influencer named Kyle McLeod ventures into the trails of the Wessex County forest, stumbles upon Camp Crystal Lake, and must fight for survival against Jason. Much of the first half is a slow burn as Kyle ventures deeper and deeper into Jason's turf, with growing clues that something isn't right, from the coyotes wailing in the distance one night to the "No Trespassing" sign he encounters to various signs of the carnage past at the long-abandoned camp. It's an effective buildup that's paid off wonderfully when Jason himself shows up to kick ass and take names. He's played here by the film's director Vincente DeSanti, and watching him, I felt something I had only rarely felt in the past watching the Friday films: genuinely afraid of Jason. All too often, Jason gets portrayed as a crowd-pleasing mascot who the film not-so-secretly sides with as he takes out the trash, rendering him less a monster than a roguish anti-hero of sorts. Not here. This movie portrays him as a mean, brutish, no-nonsense, and surprisingly cunning villain who could probably kill you with his bare hands, let alone his machete, and who you absolutely do not want to mess around with. It helped that Drew Leighty as Kyle was a guy who I could easily root for. He may be a YouTuber, but the film avoids making him an obnoxious caricature for the sake of it, with scenes of him grumbling about the spon-con deal he's doing with the company that made the collapsible shovel he's carrying. And when push comes to shove towards the end, he turns into a real-deal survivor who feels like a genuine match for Jason. I wanted to see this guy live and prevail, which was more than I could say for a lot of the people who've crossed paths with Jason, and that fact made me fear what Jason was trying to do to him that much more.

The Bottom Line

It's rare for a fan film to be this good, but Never Hike Alone: The Ghost Cut manages to be not only better than a lot of the actual Friday the 13th films, but a damn good horror movie in its own right. Even if you're not a Friday fan, I still recommend giving this one a look, especially since it's free and easily accessible.

[eggmixercortex]

okay i have slept on it hopefully ill be more coherent now. spoiler free as possible.

alright. firstoff. skinamarink is outstanding. phenomenal fantastic any other word you can think of this film knocks it (and the viewer) out of the damn park. Im going to be thinking about this thing for weeks. scared the stuffing out of me so bad i spent over half of the runtime cowering against a wall. a horror masterpiece that feels like it was purpose built with my anxieties in mind.

secondly - I 100% understand why its so polarizing. for me, this movie was everything i could have ever dreamed of and more, but if it was even a tiny bit less Totally My Jam i probably wouldn’t have liked it. if you are not utterly invested in the style of horror skinamarink uses you won’t get jack shit out of it. as many 1-star reviewers say, nothing happens in this fuckin movie! its just a wall, man!  do you like practical effects and buckets of blood? do you want teeth and chainsaws and zombies? you will (and some do) fall asleep in the theatre. a serbian film, this is not.

Kyle Edward Ball is first and foremost an indie creator, whose other works reflect the style of horror that’s been growing on small creator focused sites like youtube over the years. his work is low budget as hell, and all of the cartoons included in both skinamarink and Heck, the short-film it was based on (we’ll get to it later), are public domain. (entertainingly, it includes The Cobweb Hotel among them, which gave me a single moment of “oh hey i know that one!” before returning to the Bad Time House.) If that is our style, or at least if you’ve seen a fair amount of indie analogue and experimental horror, you’ll actually notice that on a technical level skinamarink isn’t doing anything special. like, at all.

while certainly unique in its framing, none of the things brought to the table here are new - i saw every scare (save the first) miles before it arrived, and none of them did anything to disrupt my expectations. this isn’t a failing of the writing, and i will argue that knowing whats going to happen makes it much more effective, because just like watching a classic stalker killer, well, stalk, you just have to sit and wait and squirm. I would even go so far as to say that Heck was less predictable, despite being more than an hour shorter and independently produced - it was really only focused on the one scare that it was building to, and didn’t worry about anything silly like tension and release cycles. skinamarink is completely different - which is actually part of why it worked so well for me.

I first heard about this movie back sometime in october or novermber - long before it was even off the film festival circuit. I heard and saw many horror creators i looked up to either raving or complaining about it. i was furious that i couldn’t have it Right Now Right Away. but, i heard, oh you know it was based on a short-film. yeah, its on youtube right now, the director’s got a channel. yeah, its pretty good. and it was! I watched it, had a great time with it, and continued to anticipate skinamarink. vitally, it didn’t scare me that much. I thought, I know how short-film adaptations go, hopefully this one won’t be too disastrous, I can’t wait to see the effects re-done on a bigger budget!  and went into skinamarink fully thinking i knew what i was gonna get.

(stupid? yeah, a little.)

that’s actually why the first scare got me, because i assumed it was going to be as subtle as Heck all the way through. after that, i was totally knocked on my ass and unprepared for the rest of the movie - even having seen dozens of Ball’s other works, and knowing several spoilers about skinamarink itself, i was still on the back foot for most of the film.

before, i was thinking mostly about the filmwork itself - “ooh, I love how the film grain makes it look like there’s movement in every dark corner, that’s clever!” and afterward all i could manage was “no no no no NO NO OH GOD NO PLEASE I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE” (positive) so, you know. its pretty cool.

[moiloru]

🦸 My Hero Academia (Seasons One Through Five) Review! 🏫

Well, here's a big one! Welcome to a new anime review, everyone! In this one, I'll tackle My Hero Academia, the one and only!

Needless to say, this one doesn't require any introduction, but hey, I'll do it anyway. My Hero Academia is a shonen anime that started airing in 2016. It currently has five completed seasons and three movies, for a total of over 100 episodes.

MHA has established itself as one of the most well-known names in the industry - for both fanboys/fangirls and haters. In this review, I'll only be talking about the stuff that has already aired, so the ongoing sixth season will be for later.

My Hero Academia is fascinating because it's a very... normal anime, in a way. There's no real quirk to it (see what I did there?), just superpowers. But it still works, even if some people would tell you it sucks ass.

The plot's simple: to become the strongest hero in the world and defeat the Big Bad. After that, it's fight after fight, training session after training session - sometimes incredible, sometimes dull. Some arcs are great, others not so much.

S1 felt a bit slow to me, but the show truly peaked in S2, which was excellent. S3 was still very good, and half of S4 was great, but S5 was long and only sometimes entertaining. Still, every season has its good moments.

The first and third movies were quite remarkable, and while the second one looks marvelous visually, the ending sucks and is fanservice at its worst. Their canon-compliance is unclear is annoying since you can't tell precisely when they happen or if they're even important.

Still, the overarching plot is pretty interesting to follow, even if I wish some of the most boring arcs - and villains - were skipped more quickly.

One great strength: the main characters. They might not be the best-written characters ever, but they're an endearing cast I grew fond of. Their dynamics are amusing, and their group development is excellent. Required for a school anime!

The villains are meh, though. A few are memorable, but some are not interesting and make their arcs forgettable - if not outright bad. However, the Big Bad has a decent backstory, so that's something. Hope they make good of it in the future.

One thing MHA excels at is music. The OST is a banger, and some of the action themes sent shivers down my spine, sometimes making up for the plot being silly. That's a fantastic asset for a shonen to have!

I personally loved openings ODD FUTURE and Merry-Go-Round, even if others are good, too. Overall, the OPs and EDs are pleasant to listen to; some get you pumped up!

Visually, this anime has improved tremendously over the years, becoming beautiful to the eyes in the latest seasons. It's colorful, well-animated, and highlights some critical scenes in the anime - and even more so in the movies.

Overall, for all the criticism it got, MHA is still a good anime. Of course, it could be much better, but I mostly enjoyed watching these first five seasons. I just wish they skipped the boring parts!

In seven years, it has earned the status of legendary anime, so I'd be a fool to tell you not to watch it. It has flaws, but you can't not watch an anime such as My Hero Academia. Go make yourself your own opinion and decide if it deserves the critics!

Down below are the tierlists for the characters and the narrative arcs! No spoilers, so no worries!

[taiblogcomics]

Half-Assed and Half Done

Hey there, razor blades in the candy. It's Halloween! I'm here to give you the biggest scare I can think of: the knowledge that we're only halfway through Countdown. Are you terrified yet??

Here's the cover:

Oh yeah, I haven't been coy about this at all, but the halfway point is where the comic finally reveals what it's counting down to. It's the only part of "I'm replicating reading this from week to week" that I haven't tried to hide. Mostly coz ultimately it won't even matter! I'm still just gonna call it Countdown in running text for simplicity. Anyway, here's a cool poster of the Monitor. Probably Solomon? Does it matter? Does it do anything for anybody? Off to a great spooky start for Halloween, eh~?

Halfway point recap! The Multiverse Crew are half-dead from Monarch's attack. Jimmy Olsen is half-dressed on his adventure with Forager. Pied Piper and Trickster are half-lucky having just escaped the Suicide Squad yet again. Karate Kid and Una are half-desperate chasing yet another lead to cure his disease. Mary Marvel is half-gone down her turn to evil under Eclipso's tutelage. And Holly Robinson and Harley Quinn are half-exhausted when their training camp turns out to have military prison overtones. Sadly, we're not half done this review yet, so let's get into it!

So how do we celebrate this, the precise halfway point of our long ongoing maxiseries? Well, it's mostly a recap issue. Oh boy! If you didn't think comics could have clipshows, I am here to disabuse you of this notion. Yes, all but the last few pages are of Solomon addressing his fellow Monitors on the whole of the situation. Mayhaps this will finally inspire them to do something? Also, we get a group shot of all these Monitors, and if they're meant to represent their respective universes, I wonder which universes the tiny Monitor represents. Or the bug-faced one.

A noseless female Monitor says Solomon hasn't presented any evidence that all these events link together to form a multiversal disaster they should care about. Solomon's retorts that they're only seeing things from the limited perspective of their own universes, whereas only he has the big brain to see the 52 universes as a collective. He uses the evidence of Crisis on Infinite Earths as his proof. Once, after all, there was only one Monitor. But then the universes eroded and now they're split into 52 separate beings. Isn't that worse, he asks. Well, the readers sure think so, so maybe he has a point~

Solomon warns that they now stand on the brink of another such multiversal cataclysm. And sorry, but no. Obviously they didn't know it at the time, but Final Crisis was hardly on the level of its two previous Crises of the Infinite variety. (It was also hardly "Final", but if Final Fantasy gets away with that 16 times, we'll let it slide here too.) Like, Final Crisis was a big deal. But it didn't have any multiverse-threatening consequences. The threats were all pretty Earth-localised, from what I remember. Ah, the benefits of hindsight.

Anyways, Solomon starts banging on about Monarch being the biggest problem, with his dipping into other universes to recruit his army. One Monitor even points out that they made Forerunner, and she defected to Monarch's side. And since she's been his herald to each of these universes, isn't this kind of their fault? So between Forerunner and the recruits from Earth-3, he could easily set himself up as the literal Monarch of the entire multiverse. Or, perhaps a single unified reality made from his conquests.

Another Monitor points out this doesn't prove anything, and Solomon then turns his attention to the New Gods threat. You know, if they all die, it could bring about the end of the Fourth World? And that was something Final Crisis was about. They had to kill the New Gods twice just to get to the story where they actually were meant to die. Anyways, Solomon posits that the serial murders of the New Gods are a deliberate act, which I suppose stands to reason. Like, he means it as i to subvert a prophecy, but his word choice was weird. "The New Gods are dying! Not as fortold, but a deliberate act!" So really, it's not that they're dying that bothers you, just the method.

In one of the only times other characters besides the Monitors do something in this issue, Forager and Jimmy Olsen warp in onto Apokalips and start battling Parademons. This naturally shows a very strong display of Jimmy's survival-based powers, and Solomon submits for their approval that whatever force has empowered Jimmy to such a degree clearly has an interest in seeing him survive the coming Crisis. The other Monitors murmur among themselves about these facts, which is just another iteration of "Should we do something?"

So following that, Solomon next brings up the big point: their wayward fellow Monitor, the one dubbed "Bob". Now he's the one Solomon is actually big mad about. And while Solomon is ranting about how dare Bob help the multiversally doomed in their search for the oft-rumoured Ray Palmer instead of standing against them, it actually picks up in the background where last issue left off: Jason Todd having shot Donna Troy, while Kyle Rayner attacks him in retaliation. Literally, something that should've been a major focus is just shown in a few frames in the background while Solomon narrates over it.

Anyway, Solomon posits that Bob is the worst because, while nobody else truly knows that their actions will lead to an alleged multiversal crisis, their brother most certainly does. This makes it their mission to stand against him in particular. The Monitors, the eternal observers, must now do something. In fact, they must go to war! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin', but slowly the various other Monitors begin to agree. And they all start cheering "United as one!" while pumping their fists in the air, all while Solomon stares down at them, smirking like a jerk.

Meanwhile, on the monitors (the screens the guys are watching, not the guys themselves), Bob breaks up the fight between Jason and Kyle and teleports them out. Kyle's still steamed, but not as much as Donna, which is fair since she was the one who got shot. She belts Jason in the stomach, then kicks him in the back of the head. Having read Red Hood and the Outlaws for many years for this blog, that's pretty satisfying. Not satisfying to make up for the dumb part that follows it, but pretty good.

And ah yes, said dumb part. Kyle marvels that Donna is up and around, and Bob reveals that her feigning unconsciousness was to let them mask an escape in the confusion. Donna then says it doesn't make up for Jason having shot her. Except she doesn't use his name, she instead makes a portmanteau of his last name (Todd) with the R-slur. Use your imagination, I won't write it out. Kyle follows this with a dumb grin and "Ha! Good one, Donna." Which, no, it wasn't. This is out of character for both of them, and while that word was in more common use back in 2007, it's still pretty offensive for a superhero to say.

Bob interjects, having just sensed his brethren uniting as one, and rushes them to teleport again, insisting finding Ray Palmer became all the more urgent. And while they warp out again, we cut back to Earth-15. You remember, that "perfect Earth" from a few issues back? Some caped individual dressed in black (no, not Batman) is beating the hell out of Lex Luthor, ranting on and on about what he wanted to do, what Lex failed to do. Lex, bleeding and trembling, asks what it was he was supposed to have done. And said figure tells him that he could've made the universe perfect.

Anyway, after that strong bit of foreshadowing, the Monitors are no longer in their base, but zipping around in a big spherical space station. You know, a Death Star. Great look, Solomon! They're still talking, debating where to strike first. And of course, the big question to this is, who has the most to gain from a big multiversal dustup? This ends the comic by showing Darkseid in his own quarters, standing around in contemplation, and showing his big action figure collection all over his chessboard. Hmm, who indeed~?

Well, this issue sucked. Like, it would've been kind of bland as a regular issue, but instead it's the comic equivalent of a clipshow while Solomon rants at us for almost 20 pages. This might be the comic where the fewest things actually happen, and one of the only things that does happen is Donna Troy using an ableist slur. So, you know, not a great issue!

[daburuwosagase]

Miracoro 11/2023 reviews

I wish more works broke out of the "cool overdesigned mc and normal kid with bonkers reactions" mold, but I suppose that's the easy way to start a story.

Vampred: Vampire/zombie story. Most of the chapter was showing off the main character Sol, who's a very nice lad with a cool design. He's got artificial limbs, is malewife material, is unfailingly polite, is half-vampire, has a tragic backstory about being tortured by humans, and yet still believes that they deserve his protection. Not sure about that one, chief. The mc's engineered perfection made a lot more sense once I found out the author is the Bitch Cop Ass guy.

Yamikiri Giri: god i miss doctor dokuta. This feels like a good candidate for its successor. It starts off in the middle of action, which is unusual to see with these oneshots. The protag Giri is the polar opposite of the previous guy, and he may actually be an adult? I had a lot of fun reading this one.

Mikazuki: Basically, "what if Maya channeled Phoenix to solve cases?" The culprit actually came as a surprise. It's definitely a Takahashi-sensei work, and it definitely feels inspired by Ace Attorney. I enjoyed it, but not sure if it's the best pick for serialization. It's the only one that made me actually gasp, though.

Monoshiro: Moves along really fast and therefore wasn't left with time for it to sink in. The premise is lacking. Again, cool designs though.

Gatlin: Great action but lacks substance. The sidekick this time is a girl, which I'll gladly take.

Iroha: Karuta... with a CATBOY. Absolute winning premise. The mc Iroha has almost no knowledge of the poems but has extreme reflexes that let him react to the opponent's movements. The art's pretty intense too. Now this could be interesting if expanded upon.

Monster Parent: Pretty good gag manga. The mc's mom is a literal monster who doesn't get that she's seen as a monster. She orally lays eggs in the supermarket to help her look for curry, because the staff are busy and she doesn't want to bother them. Heck of a sentence.

Shinigami Happy End: Very fresh take to have a shinigami whose primary item is trash bags. The modern reaper is a garbage collector. And he's also a tumblr sexyman who goes from main blorbo form to smexy skinny legend. Kind of scary. Kobayashi-sensei popped OFF with the art. The climax spread is actually *abstract* rather than a physical finishing blow, and it rules.

Sonata: Kinda like Inazuma Eleven GO but with a music club. Featuring instrument avatars. The mc Sonata is not a good musician at all but he's dedicated, so that makes up the difference. It breaks the formula slightly by having a whole club instead of one sidekick, and the mc doesn't already have awakened powers.

Seira: A rich girl's awakening to ramen. It's slower-paced than the others, so the flavor soaks in. Even as a one-shot it's nice.

Kamikakushi: Again mostly action-based, but it could easily pivot to part-mystery. We're getting a lot of girl primary characters in this volume, that's really neat. This time the mc has hammerspace hair. The enemy was decently freaky too.

Kamibukuro Hunter: The art style for the kid in this one is kinda... "how to draw anime". It's bizarre. But she can still emote as befits a gag manga. The premise is kinda one-note here.

Gudegudevil: Gag manga about a pet devil trying to dissuade a kid from doing homework but it's too lazy itself to succeed. Not too exciting.

Isekai Boukensha: It's an isekai. And this time, the protag's an 11yo with a wooden stick. Not my thing.

Onigiri: Gag body humor with a sentient onigiri. Feels kinda mundane, or maybe I'm just worn out by the end of all these pilots.

Top three that I think have potential for more: Yamikiri Giri, Iroha, Monster Parent