#it's getting to the point where I'm euphoric if things go how they're supposed to

[ohleander]

3.13.23

When I grabbed my laptop, I felt like I just had so much to say and yet here I am with brain farts and nothing of substance coming out. A silent but deadly? Nah..

One thing on my mind today is how well I'm starting to understand my cycle and how excited I am to keep understanding it. My regular human hormonal cycle is an incredible force to understand. Now that I know that I reset myself every month in more ways than just "emotional and bleeding" I reset myself in the same way the moon gets full and new again each month. I, too need a period of extra rest and its friggin natural! I'm not supposed to be the same every day but I can accomplish SO much in a month if I know how to use my energy right. I am so on the right track and I keep staying uncomfortable because I keep growing like crazy. I'm glad I don't feel the same all the time, even when I go through long periods of turmoil. I'd rather feel too much than not enough. And I go through periods of that, too. Sometimes the idea of emotions is so foreign and sometimes I'm drowning in them.

There have been so many times in my life when I wished to change my body for gender euphoric reasons and for right now, I'm glad I made the choice to try to understand my body and its cycles before I did any alterations to it.. It has only given more validity to my feelings on gender, too! I found out that I naturally feel a lot better when I have more testosterone in me and I feel the most dysphoric most often during my luteal phase. I still have a lot to learn about the science behind it but a lot of folks who take T say that they feel more balanced and right but consistently. I also know males who have low T due to sickness and they have a hard time emotionally when their testosterone is really low. I cant help but wonder if taking T would help me feel more consistent and even. I think when I make the decision, I'd like to try low dose first.. and more exercises rather than top surgery.. I'm still getting comfortable honoring my body as a vessel, I'd like to not change it too much yet.. and some things I can always change.. surgeries I cant change.. I don't feel like I would regret getting top surgery because I've wanted it for as long as I've had boobs. I do fear the hormonal repercussions of getting top surgery, and if I did decide to have a baby I'd like to feed them through my body, if I could. So many thoughts and things to consider and they're all pretty valid. Maybe one day I'll be at a point where I'm making these choices.. for now its just something I think about a whole lot.

Another thing I think of a whole lot is publishing a book... any kind of book and so many books. I could honestly keep writing forever and ever if I had this computer in front of me. Sure I go blank sometimes, but if I just start talking about that, I somehow worm my way out of blankness and into a topic. One day I want to write about plants and of people. I want to write essays, musings & philosophies. I remember sitting and the round table one day with dad and telling him after high school that I wanted to be a philosopher.. I noted that philosophy was a class that could be taken at college.. and somehow I never got to take that class... maybe one day I will. Or else I cal learn it on you tube.

I have a hard time not letting the songs that are stuck in my head dictate my personality for the day. I suppose its kinda my duty to make sure I'm listening to easygoing music instead of ozzy and meg myers. But the hardcore songs are so good to get the energy up.

Speaking of I honestly love my commute each morning. I've got to pay better attention to my driving that I have lately. I'm lucky, I've been a distracted driver as of late (I think its the manic episode, aka ovulation) and I really gotta chill. I've been dissociating more lately too. One thing that's a bit concerning is the fact that ovulation time often feels like a manic high for me, the surge of hormones is through the roof. the extra hormones feel really good but its almost over electrifying.

ahh I took a melatonin tonight and I can feel it working. I am blessed, the past couple of nights I haven't woken up with a lot of cortisol anxiety.. we'll see though.. melatonin can often do strange things to the mind at night.. I'd like to sleep all the way through until 5, please! and then lovely loose and lanky lucid sleep..

LA

[cocobutnochanel]

Brother | 18+

Genre: smut, slight fluff, discharged!Kyungsoo

Characters: Do Kyungsoo x Reader (oc: female)

Summary: Heartbreak makes you do crazy things like getting drunk with your friends and letting yourself loose. But with Do Kyungsoo back in town, letting yourself loose was a wrong move.

Warnings: alcohol intake, smoking, profanity, mature themes, sex scenes, one night stand

Kink List: drunk sex, unprotected sex, oral (male & female receiving), boob fetish, clothes destruction fetish, creampie, one night stand

Word Count: 2.5k+ words

Authors Note: Soo is finally discharged and this AU was inspired by it! 

"Fuck." You mutter a curse under your breath when you feel your lungs constrict and your vision blur. "Where the hell is Chanyeol?!" You hiss when another pang hits your head.

You were slightly drunk and you were at a stranger's house. Break-ups were never nice to you which was why you needed breaks like these. Chanyeol brought you to a classmate’s house who was having a large house party for the football team's victory. You were here with your cheer team too but this would've been more fun if you came along with Jongdae and Minseok.

As if on cue with your thoughts, you hear Dae's voice. "Y/N! Yeol said you'd be here!" You see him walk inside the crowded kitchen you were in.

"Daedae! Mini!" You slurred, making him and Minseok laugh. "You were having all the fun alone, huh?" Minseok teases you which you respond with a grimace. "He's here.." You were sick to the stomach at the thought of your ex again.

Junmyeon was a nice guy. He was the best boyfriend to you even. You had bo idea what went wrong that he suddenly broke up with you. But that was the thing with good boys, they will mess you up good because you never saw what you were getting in the first place. You'd think it's all rainbows and cuddles. It's not, Junmyeon proved you that.

Minseok gives you a red cup with booze inside as his way of comforting you. "Thanks." You wink at him and at his attempt of cheering you up.

"If I didn't know better, I'd be mad at Chanyeol for leaving you alone but I know he's probably making out with the house owner." Jongdae sighed, looking at you with pitiful eyes. "I'm okay, Dae. Y'all can hook up all you want but please drive me home after." You laugh at him.

"Who's the house owner?" You ask him, remembering what he just said. "You don't know? He was your lab partner in bio." Ah! Now, you remembered. It was Baekhyun, the golden boy. He was a guy like your ex, Junmyeon: straight As, student-athlete and school councilor. They were the kids your parents compared you to and you paled in comparison.

You couldn't imagine your friend, Chanyeol, being with a guy like that. He was perfect, Chanyeol fucked whoever he liked.  "Calm down. They're hooking up, not getting married." Minseok said before your drunken thoughts ran further in your head.

"God, why did I drink so much?" You ask them with a wince. Jongdae only sighed and looked at you with eyes full of pity once again.

"Stop with the pity, we came here to party." Minseok rolls his eyes at Jongdae and drags you two out of the kitchen and into the dancefloor.

The stench of beer and sweat clouded the air. The music was loud, making your head pang but your hips swing. Jongdae puts his arms around you and Minseok as you swam through the crowd with heads bobbing to the beat. It was a feeling you knew but longed for. The drunken euphoric feeling. It made you forget your ex was even here. 

"Wooh!" Minseok hoots while dancing to the music that was deafening yet comforting at the same time. You match his energy and let yourself loose. It has been a while since you've been this free.

You feel the alcohol get to you. You had the sudden urge to get out and breathe.

You eye Jongdae who was having a good time with Minseok. "I'll just get some air.." You point outside and they just nod.

You make your way through the dancing crowd and find the main door. You walk out and finally, you have the oxygen to inhale. "Ugh.." You groaned, cracking your neck.

Walking to the front porch, you see a number of partygoers here too. Just like you, they needed air too. You spot an unfamiliar man with a bottle of beer in his hand. You wouldn't have the courage to approach him if you were sober but you weren't. The booze Minseok brought have officialy kicked in and it's giving you confidence.

It was dark but it was obvious that he was handsome and buff. "Hey, I don't know you." You stupidly greeted him, making him laugh heartily. Doe eyes, heart-shaped lips, defined jaw, thick eyebrows. He wasn't just handsome, he was a lot of it!

"I feel the same." He jokingly answered you when you neared him. You mentally curse yourself at how dorkish you approached the good-looking guy. "What I meant was you're probably not from our school?" You tried to explain and he nodded.

"I'm long out of school, kid." You snicker at his nickname for you. It's not like you're a literal child! You were a senior and nineteen now. He talked like he was 70 too, when in fact, he looked barely 20.

He notices your sneer and he laughs again. He offers you his free hand and your eyes widen at that. "Kyungsoo." He says his name with a glint in his eyes. A naughty one, at that.

"Y/N." You shyly answered, taking his hand too. "Smoke?" He shows you a box of cigarettes and you shake your head at that. "I'm still buzzed." You smile at him and he nods, taking a stick to his lips.

He lights it singlehandedly and starts sucking some of it in between his lips. "What's a grown man doing at a high-school party?" You jokingly jeered at him, trying to get back at him with the 'kid' nickname.

"Picking up my brother." He chuckles in between puffs. "Isn't your brother a senior like me? Can't he go home himself?" You pry further. "Strict parents." He shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly.

You nod at what he said, running out of things to say. You really haven't seen him around despite your neighborhood being small. But you guessed it was because he was older and people around here left after high-school.

"Why are you out here?" He asked out of nowhere, cigarette still in his fingers. "Needed air." You breathe out and look at the empty sky above you.

"Wanna get out of here?" He says, tapping on his cigarette stick. You were surprised by his offer. It wasn't that you were unattractive but you didn't sleep around. You weren't the type to be asked to things like these.

He chuckles lightly at your shocked face. "What? You're gonna stare at my face the whole night?" He jokes, sucking his cigarette in for the fourth time. You didn't know what was taking over you but you knew you couldn't stop it. You were drunk and you were feeling a little hot. This handsome man wasn't helping either.

You inch towards him, the moment he breathes out smoke. You get on your tiptoes and kiss his perfectly plump lips, tasting nicotine and alcohol on them. Like him, it was addicting. The kiss was addicting.

You suckled on his bottom lip causing him to hold onto your neck. You hear him moan against your kiss and you smile at that. To tease him, you get back to your original height and stop kissing him.

"It's bad to tease a deprived man." He eyes you and the skimpy hot pink silky dress you were wearing. "Deprived?" You laugh at him. "I just got discharged." He smirks which surprised you. He was from the military? That explains why he's buff.

Unable to stop yourself, you get on your tiptoes to meet his lips once again. This time, he responds with much more fervor.

He throws away his cigarette stick and grabs your face in place with both hands. You groan against his touch as his fingers roam around the sides of your body. His touch drove you crazier and braver.

Without breaking the kiss, he guides you to his car and lets you inside. After a minute or two, he distances himself and starts walking to the driver side.

Your lips instantly felt the absence of his touch and it drove you nuts. You wanted him, all of him, now. The car roars to life as he started pulling out of Baekhyun's driveway.

"Weren't you supposed to pick your brother up?" You ask despite the growing hunger inside you. "He's a senior, he can go home himself." He smirks, mocking your question earlier.

You smile amusingly at how he's so charming. Well, he charmed his way into your pants in less than ten minutes. What did you expect?

The hunger inside you pushed you to be braver. You never did anything like this inside a car but you guessed there was always a first for everything. You bent down which surprised him.

You unzipped his pants and his 8-inch member sprung to life when you let it peek from his boxers. He was hard after one kiss? Well, he was right. He was indeed deprived. The reddish tip looked swollen as it twitched in your hands, begging you take it in.

Lust took over you and you let your tongue roll off its head. You hear Kyungsoo groan and it drives you crazier than you already were. You gather your hair and hold it yourself since he was driving. Your head bobbed up and down as your lips enveloped his cock.

"Holy shit." He speeds down the street as you let your tongue swirl around the erection. You smile as your tongue ran around it, making it harder for him to control.

His hips bucked as you taste his precum oozing. Salty, bitter but satisfying, you thought. He finally pulls up into a garage and the car stops humming.

He puts his pants back in place and drags you out of the car, his lips meeting yours as soon as you step out. "Jump." He growled. You obey him and interlace your thighs against his torso. He carries you inside the house and up to his room without breaking the kiss.

His hand rested on your bottom, alighting an unknown flame inside you. He throws you onto his bed and hovers above you after. You squirmed under his lustful eyes. You knew you wanted more. You wanted him.

You were on some unknown high the moment he tore your silk dress apart effortlessly. His eyes skimmed over your body like a beast eyeing his prey carefully and you, the prey desperate to be devoured.

You arch your back when his fingertips met your bra. His eyes were glued on your face and every reaction you made, his erection throbbed even more.

He ripped your underwear aggressively. You wanted to worry about what you will wear after this since your dress and undies were now ruined but lust clouded your judgment.

His hands roamed around your body and you whimpered like a cat in heat. "Fuck." He curses under his breath when his warm palms massaged your breasts. "Kyungs-soo." You stuttered while still squirming under his touch.

"What do you want, baby?" He growls, looking at you with dark eyes. "I-I want you.." You begged but he smirked. "Later.. I have to spoil this baby first." His teasing eyes left yours as he went down on you.

You feel his tongue flick your clit as if he was testing waters. You quivered at that contact while his hands still on your boobs.

His teeth grazed your wet pussy as you felt him smile against it. His hold on your chest even became tighter, making you moan and arch your back even more. "Sweet." He commented, licking his lips and making it touch your clit at the same time.

He ate you out while you squirmed under him, your fingers in his locks. You close your eyes when he starts pinching your nipples. "K-Kyungsoo!" You couldn't help but scream in pleasure as a wave of release washed over you. Your thighs trembled and your eyes roll back when you finally feel something come out of you.

"Kyungsoo, I want you. God." You breathe out as he starts teasing the tip of his dick against your throbbing pussy. He bows down to suck your nipples and you whimper for the nth time tonight.

He senses your need and desperation. Finally, he enters you which surprises you. Your eyes widened at the impact when he filled you up to the brim, making him grin mischievously. He starts thrusting slowly, feeling every inch of you inside.

He picks up his pace as he holds your thighs in place and his mouth still on your nipples. You moan repeatedly while he pounds you harder and harder. "Soo!" You scream when he started biting your hard peaks.

It doesn't take both of you long to come at the same time. He groans one last time as you feel his hot liquid fill you up.

He pulls out, juices dripping out of you making him smirk in satisfaction. He heads to his bathroom and take a shower as you unknowingly doze off in his bed, soreness and his scent enveloping your bare body.

-

Blinding sunlight woke you up. You flutter your eyes open and see an arm draped over your stomach. Kyungsoo, you remembered.

"Fuck.." You whisper when you spot your torn dress and underwear on the floor. You wondered what the hell you would wear now that Kyungsoo just destroyed everything.

Your soft voice woke him up. His face looked so much better under the sun that it did last night. If you didn't know better, you'd even think he was innocent and soft. Yet you knew how he rocked your world last night said otherwise.

He gets up, still in his boxers. "Good morning." His groggy voice was hot and you couldn't deny it made you feel something you felt last night.

"Good morning but first, what will I wear now?" You bite your lip nervously. He chuckles at your worried face. "Here." He gives you a black hoodie and grey sweatshorts from his closet.

"These are mine now?" You ask him while slipping them on. It was weird wearing clothes without anything underneath but you had no choice.

You open his door and get out of his room. "No, silly. It's an excuse to meet again." He growls in your ear which makes you giggle. He was flirting with you the next morning. This was more than just a one night stand, you thought.

"Have breakfast with me?" He brings your hand to his lips, kissing your knuckles. You smile at how he can be so sweet. "You aren't a deprived man anymore. Why let me have breakfast here?" You teased, earning a smile from him.

He goes up to you and kisses your neck as he leads you to his kitchen. His lips started darting upwards to your jaw and you couldn’t help but let out tiny moans. You were about to meet his lips with your own but someone interrupted.

"Y/N?" A familiar voice thundered from his kitchen. You whip your head around yet Kyungsoo stays unbothered, his lips still suckling your sensitive jaw.

"What the hell are you doing with my brother?" Junmyeon glowers, a smirking Kyungsoo teasing him. "Jun?" You ask with so much disbelief in your voice. You knew he had a brother but you had no idea who it was or where he was.

"Didn't your dumbass break up with her already?" Kyungsoo smiles as he snakes an arm around your waist visibly, eyeing his brother mockingly. "Yeah but-" Your ex wasn't able to respond when he was cut off by his own brother.

"Your loss, bro." Kyungsoo chuckles.

[facesofopioids-blog]

‼️ This Post Can Be Shared ‼️

Spotlight Sunday

"God's Kiss"

By: Kelly Morgan

So there he was, standing in front of me, his smile his eyes has bright blue eyes every part of his face Charmed me to no end. He asked me if I would go out with him sometime, I said sure, why not. Here I was the single mom of 3 boys working two jobs, how on Earth could I possibly say no to such a Charming Man. The beginning of our relationship started off with him picking me up for an hour or two before my midnight shift and he would ask me do you want to go for a ride of course I always said yes because that was the only time I was going to get with him while I was working. After a while I began to realize that these little drives and trips seemed very odd I would be sitting in the car and he would go into a house, it was never the same house, and he would stay inside for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and I would just sit in the car. It didn't dawn on me until a few months later when I was having severe back pain and he reached into his pocket and he pulled out a little yellow pill, what he had really been doing in those houses. All of those little trips and drives that I went with him on for the first few months of our relationship had really been him selling and flipping pain pills. I had taken pain pills in the past after surgery or after breaking a bone, but never had I paid any attention to the feeling that it gave me. I never realized that I was getting an intense euphoric High. But from that day forward, he would hand me the occasional pills weather at the white, yellow, or blue. Then he introduced to me the brown one the one that he said would be hard to chew up because it's not supposed to be chewed up. It was my first Oxycontin. I remember not being able to keep my eyes open not being able to pee, throwing up, and just being completely out of it, and that was the first time I realized that my Prince Charming was just feeding me pills. This one on from May of 2013 when he convinced me to quit those two jobs and go back to my old job as a dancer. I didn't think anything of it, but he said that the extra money could help us get a house and a car and take care of the kids, and it would be a lot easier to do the things that we wanted to do together. So I did just that. I went back to work as a dancer and it first I loved it. I had missed dancing. I didn't think I would still be any good at it. After about 2 months of dancing, I decided after having a really good night of work where I made $800 in 4 hours, that we should go and do something really fun. I decided to plan a trip to an amusement park. One that I had not been to in years, one that I remember going to since the age of 6 years old every year until I was 18 years old. Remembering it always being a blast and we never ever left early. We stayed until the very end, until the parade, and until the fireworks, and then falling asleep in the car on the way home. I was really really looking forward to our day at the amusement park and we went, and we rode a few rides, but then all of a sudden things felt different just around 2 p.m. I started to feel really tired, a little bit sweaty, had just lost all of my energy, so much so that we took a break. Put our heads down and started to fall asleep. I just really did not feel good and I wasn't sure why, but I figured it wasn't getting any better so let's just go home and it was only 4 p.m.. After spending all of the money on the trip and for food and everything that we did at the amusement park, gas, tolls and every other expense I knew I only had about $40 left and he asked me on the way home for that $40. Then he decided to call his friend and we stopped at his friends house. After he met his friend, he handed me a pill. Sure enough, 20 minutes later I started to feel better and that's when I knew I was becoming physically dependent, physically dependent on pain pills..

Now let's fast forward 3 months. He started coming to my house acting really really funny. His face would be beat red. He would be just sitting there and he would start nodding out. I would find him in the bathroom sleeping on the toilet. He would be gone from my house for hours and hours upon hours. However for these hours all I did was sit home and wonder where he was and what he was doing.. Then on Halloween of 2013, my phone went off and there was a text message from one of his friends and it stated "Brandon, don't do it three times and you are hooked, it is the worst decision I've ever made in my life." I became concerned and I questioned him wondering what this text could possibly mean, and when I asked him what he had been doing and what this text was about. His answer was he had smoked a Wiki stick. I had no idea what that was. I had never done a drug in my life, so he elaborated further and told me that it was marijuana rolled up dipped in embalming fluid and then you would smoke it. For some reason I just couldn't believe it. There was no way that anything that had to do with marijuana could be getting him this messed up. I then decided to call his friend. I wanted to figure out the truth what it was that he was really doing and they told me that it was up to him to let me know. But he wouldn't. So I decided to continue my day. It was Halloween, we needed to get home and get the boys ready for trick-or-treating. Before we went trick-or-treating, he said we needed to go to the gas station, and that's when I saw it my first hand to hand Exchange. I had no idea what it was that he had in his hand. I asked him after we were trick-or-treating what it was that he had and he didn't say anything. I saw him walking to my bathroom so I decided to barge in behind him. I asked him let me see this, stop and so he showed it to me he pulled out this tiny little bag with a little whitish tan Chunk in it. At that point I had figured out that it was heroin. I then demanded that he do some in front of me, and he did just that and then out of pure Spite and pure anger not even the slightest amount of curiosity just anger and hostility, I demanded him.. okay, now let me try some, let me see what this big hype is all about, let me understand what it is that is making you come to my house everyday so messed up that you can't even keep your eyes open. He responds with no no no, and I continued with my anger. I said no, let me do some. I really need to see what the big deal is. And finally he gave in. He broke out a little tiny line on my bathroom sink and he rolled up a dollar bill for me and I put it in my nose and I snorted the substance off of my bathroom sink. I walked into my bedroom and I just remember this intense very intense feeling of euphoria. What I had done, they always describe the feeling is God's kiss, and to this day although at the time it made sense, the phrase used to describe what I felt in that moment absolutely disgusts me. I had no idea what I had just gotten myself into but I became a monster for exactly 10 months. I was working and working, just making money to support my new habit. One that I had no idea I would get by just doing one small line. I did anything and everything any addicts would do to get their High. I lied I stole, I pawned everything I owned, I ran from the police I'm in if you waited people absolutely anything and everything to get that feeling again. But you only get that feeling once, you don't get it again, because now you are stuck. Your mind doesn't need it but your body does. You just can't go without it, you can't function, you can't get up in the morning, you can't take care of your children.. you neglect everything, you aren't yourself anymore, you don't shower, you don't put makeup on, you don't spend time with anyone, you avoid family, you've lost all your friends, you've lost your mind, and you've lost yourself. You have no self respect, you have no dignity, you are not recognizable by those around you, you can't even recognize yourself when you look into a mirror.

I will never forget the last time I decided I was going to get high. I had danced all night it was 3 in the morning when I got off of work. I asked my friend to give me a ride so that I could go and get my dope. I would originally go to Illinois, that was my go-to, but because it was so late my friend asked me.. no can we just go where we went before work since it's a lot closer and it's really late. So I called that guy instead and he said come on. And so we went and on the way there I get a text on my phone that said "ALLEY". I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING OF GOING INTO THE ALLEY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE. As we approach the street that turns into the alley, I turned in my friend and I said your car is making a funny noise, my Prince Charming in the backseat says, “no the car is not making a funny noise those are gunshots”. I said, no they're not.. I was oblivious. I didn't care. I just needed to get high. I didn't want to be sick. So I said, “we're fine, we're fine, let's go”, and then we turn into the alley. My boyfriend tells my friend to turn off the headlights so that no cops would see us and she did just that. I remember a sense of anxiety as I was looking down at my phone texting my dealer three different texts that I will never forget. The first one said I'm here, the second one then said, Hurry I'm here, and the final text said, I'm here hurry. It was then that I heard the Earth shattering words OH MY GOD HE HAS A GUN!!! I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO THINK I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO BLINK I TURN MY HEAD TO THE LEFT AND I PUT MY RIGHT ARM AND HAND IN FRONT OF MY FACE BULLETS WERE FLYING LEFT AND RIGHT. I REMEMBER SCREAMING REVERSE REVERSE GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE REVERSE REVERSE GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE. But then I found out I never said a word I didn't make a peep until I realized I was in a gas station parking lot. I was safe, and then I leaned over in my seat and it's really warm feeling in my chest and blood just started pouring out of my mouth. My hand and my arm felt like they were on fire, and I looked down and all I see is just blood. I look to the right of me because at that point I realized I have been shot.

Not one time, not two times, but three. I turned my head and I looked at the back of my seat and I saw more blood and that's when I realized I had been hit in my head and I was terrified. I let out the most horrific scream anybody could ever let out. My prince charming gets out of the back seat and he comes up to me and he's like my baby, she shot, she's been shot, she's hurt. Call an ambulance. Before the ambulance could get there I was begging him please hold me, I'm going to die, he asked me, “what about my warrant” I said I don't care, I'm dying, I'm bleeding to death, please just hold me. And he didn't. He ran. He left me there to die, because he was more concerned about going to jail then the fact that he was about to lose the so-called love of his life to drugs and gunfire. There was no time to waste. When I thought I was yelling at them to reverse reverse and get out of the alley, I wasn't yelling. I was dead. I was looking at myself in that vehicle trying to tell them how to get us to safety. I remember getting into the ambulance. I remember talking to the paramedics, and then nothing. I had coded. My heart stopped in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. And then I remember a nurse asking me for a family members phone number and I remember giving my mom's phone number and my sister's phone number. And then I forget some more.. My heart had stopped again. I was at. One last time and barely stabilize me and I remember hearing my mom's voice asking me what happened and I remember responding mom I got shot I got shot. Let's fast-forward 2 days I wake up trying to pull the breathing tube out of my throat I remember family member squeezing my hand, asking me if I could hear them and I squeezed. I squeeze really really hard and multiple times so that they could know I can hear them and that I was alive.

So let's backtrack a second so where I said that the words used to describe the feeling when I did that first line of heroin as God's kiss and why it disgusts me is because I know truly what God's kiss really feels like. It feels like opening your eyes to having your whole family standing around you thanking him for saving your life. Thanking him for getting you out of that alley and bringing you to safety. And it feels like being able to quit heroin cold turkey, in the Intensive Care Unit while you are urinating on yourself. God's kiss is being able to wake up everyday now for 4 years one month and 23 days sober and clean and not having to chase a high. God's kiss is being able to once again look in the mirror and recognize yourself. God's kiss is being able to be here and still hear the sound of your children's laughter even their screaming and their fighting, the little things like that that I used to take for granted. God's kiss is being able to feel your children's arms wrap around you, to hug you, or their little lips kissing you on the cheek and hearing them tell you how much they love you. God's kiss is being able to be 100% yourself around your family, around your friends, not having to hide the fact that you're high and not having to avoid them when you're sick. God's kiss is being given a second chance at life when you didn't feel that you deserved one. Although my addiction was short-lived, just 10 months, it doesn't justify anything as I previously stated. I was a monster. I had no strength. I wasn't happy. I wasn't me. I didn't exist. I am so blessed to be able to say that I am still here today and I'm not just existing. I don't try to numb any pain. I live my life through anything, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how bad it sucks that I had to go through what I did. That tragic moment in my life as tragic as it was saved my life. I will say it time and time again, if the drugs don't kill you, the lifestyle will. And to this day I could be really really bitter I could be really angry at the people who shot me.. But why for what? It doesn't fix anything, it doesn't undo any damage. So instead of sulking and crying about it, I decided to pick my head up. And it’s when I finally picked my head up, that I came to the realization that I may actually need to thank these guys. Because although they almost killed me, they also saved my life. If I wouldn't have taken those bullets that night, drugs would have taken me. And I am living proof that if you have the strength to take real bullets, then you can take anything life has to throw at you. You don't need drugs to numb the pain, you need pain. It is how you know you are alive. I've heard a lot of people say that fear has two meanings. You can fear everything and run.. You can face everything and you can rise. But I decided to come up with my own rendition of that, my own meaning of fear…

YOU CAN FEEL EVERYTHING AND YOU CAN RECOVER!!!. MY NAME IS KELLY AND THIS IS MY STORY AND I TRULY HOPE THAT ONE DAY I WILL INSPIRE SOMEBODY. I DON'T WANT ANYBODY AFRAID THAT IF THEY GO AND BUY DRUGS THEY COULD GET SHOT AND ALMOST DIE, I WANT MY INSPIRATION TO BE ABOUT STRENGTH AND ABOUT FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE. #sundayspotlight #facesofopioids #addiction #overdose