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internethorrorfan · 6 years ago

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Commentarypasta: Slenderman vs. Eyeless Jack (originally posted on deviantart in 2017)

You know what's almost as creatively bankrupt as Jeff the Killer wannabe stories and Slender Mansion fics? Versus stories. Today's gem, hailing from the Spinpasta wiki, is one such story. Because why write original suspenseful horror stories or possibly put a new creative spin on an older idea or character when you can just take two unrelated creepypasta icons and have them lay a WWE smack down on each other, right? Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story... Slenderman vs. Eyeless Jack by OptimusPrime27 There are legends of the Slender Man. Some say he's a kind nurturing father figure that lives in a big beautiful mansion full of other monsters and killers as one big happy loving family who do all sorts of cute family activities with each other when they're not going on mass murder sprees. Nobody over the age of 12 believes such things.

He is a dark spirit. He is truly evil. Wait, what you mean to tell me is that the murderous, child snatching eldritch abomination who forces people to become his slaves in order to commit horrific acts on his behalf is evil? You don't say? He stalks people and murders them. But now he is gone. He's been gone. People don't know why, but he just... disappeared. Everything changed after the Fire Nation attacked. One day, he just left. Never to be seen again. Except in terrible fanfiction written by pre teen girls. Only a few people still remember him. This sentence is so easily contestable that I won't even bother. I wouldn't even know he existed if it wasn't for that dark, dark night... and that video-game that made. That sort of helped... This joke might have been funny is the grammar wasn't messed up.

You see, Slender Man disappeared because less people feared him. This sounds awfully similar to Freddy's plot in Freddy vs. Jason. Instead of that dark, mysterious force he became that cool, popular guy. "Yo Slenderbro, pass me that brewski when you're done droppin' those phat beats!" Just that guy. People didn't care how terrifying he really was, they just liked him. What if people liked him because he was terrifying? I like Slenderman because he's creepy. Creepy if done well at any rate. Video-games, toys, shirts, Hold the phone here, since when has there official Slenderman merch? he was everywhere. Less people feared him, and he became more of an internet icon than a despicable creature. So you can't be a despicable creature and internet icon at the same time? Someone better tell [insert well known internet personality who gets a lot of hate here)! More people knew him and they learned to stay away from him, how to avoid him, There's no official way to avoid Slenderman. and thus he didn't get their souls. Many people don't know this, but Slender Man needs souls. Many people don't know this because you completely made it up. They give him energy. He harvests them. He feeds of them. He lives. But now people don't fear him at all. He's just that guy.

That guy. He's just that guy who stalks people, kidnaps kids and drives people insane. Ya know, nothin' special.

But you see, Eyeless Jack is a different story. A story so bad its own writer personally asked for it to be deleted from the creepypasta wiki.

Eyeless Jack is a dark, undead spirit. Says who? A young boy brutally murdered, his eyes ripped out of their sockets. A vengeful spirit, Eyeless Jack's a ghost now? he spent the rest of his eternity getting his revenge. Which he accomplishes by eating random people's kidneys. Out to find the man who killed him. Until then, he could never truly be at peace. Less powerful and less famous, Jack was just a little kid compared to Slender Man. Which might have something to do with Slenderman being 6-10 feet tall. No match for this monster. Stories over! Goodnight everybody! Slender Man is basically the king of modern horror. I'm a huge Slender-verse fan and even I think that's bit of an overstatement. How can he be the king of modern horror anyway if supposedly no one takes him seriously or cares about him anymore? Creepy, mysterious. Slender Man has given existence to many wannabes and copy-cats like Jeff the Killer or Laughing Jack. Laughing Jack and Jeff the Killer have nothing at all to do with each other let alone Slenderman.

Slender Man saw potential in Eyeless Jack, and decided to use his superior power to manipulate the poor lost soul. This is literally just the plot of Freddy vs. Jason. One night, Jack was lurking through the forest, when Slender Man, now weak but still more powerful than Jack, appeared before him. Jack was shocked, but then the figure seemed to disappear into thin air. Jack turned around as Slender Man reappeared in front of him. Slender Man began to stalk the evil spirit as he ran through the forest. What sounded like static assaulted Jack's ears. He fell down and began to faint, everything else in the world fading away... Slender Man was now in control of Jack, and ready for the harvest. Now this is where I get involved. Me and my friends were having a sleep-over. It was a dark, rainy night. Lemme guess: You really wanted to write "it was a dark and stormy night" but you realized that was too cliché even for something called "Slenderman vs. Eyeless Jack" so you thought wording it differently would mask the unoriginality. Newsflash: it didn't. We were watching a crappy, blood-filled generic horror film, yet we kept screeching. We didn't know what true horror was yet. It's certainly not this story, I'll tell you that much. Not yet. You could’ve removed those last two words entirely and just said you "didn’t know what true horror was. Yet". We heard the back door creek open, so me and my friend Anne went to go see. The suspense was killing us. Suspense from what? The door creaking open? Do you guys flip out every time there's a light breeze? The entire house was pitch black. Turn on the lights then. We stepped into the dark hallway and slowly stepped closer and closer to the door. We heard heavy breathing from behind the door. And...JUMPSCARE! We went to grab the door knob, and when we saw what was behind it, we shrieked in terror. It was just our friend Mark. You held the tension here for 1 sentence. He and his friends Brad and Chuck were here. The idiots tried to scare us. "They're gonna be dead soon is what I'm saying." Me and Mark are sort of more than friends, but not really dating. Just sort of... into each other or something. It's complicated. We watched the movie together, and the guys kept making fun of us when we got scared, but they themselves kept getting freaked out now and then. Suddenly, we heard glass breaking. Mark volunteered to go check it out because how we were such "chickens". His words, not mine. I'd say that last sentence was completely superfluous but this whole story is completely superfluous. He walked into the hallways, closing the door behind him. He saw broken glass on the floor. He knew somebody had broken in. He turned around to warn us, but saw a masked, hoody-wearing creature. I thought he was a spirit. Now he's a creature? The mask was blue, with deep, empty, black holes where the eyes were supposed to be. I asked myself this same question when reading the original Eyeless Jack but how can they tell he has no eyes when he's wearing a mask in the dark?

The creature grabbed Mark's throat, squeezing it tightly. Mark gasped for breath, but the grasp on Mark's throat increased in strength. Tighter, tighter, until Mark couldn't breathe. Mark closed his eyes and dropped down onto the ground as the creature finally let him go. The creature observed his corpse, as if marveling at his own work of demented art. Oh no, not Mark! He was such a well developed character that we knew so well!

It was half an hour later, and we were worrying. I went to go check on him and found his corpse. So all of you just stood there and waited for 30 minutes while a monster choked Mark to death instead of alerting the police? What truly wonderful people you guys are. I nearly puked. There was no brutal damage or harm to it, but that's what scared me. In the movies it's always bloody and chopped up, nearly unrecognizable. But this was... was so real. Just a lifeless body there on the ground, nothing more to it. The police said he was strangled to death by... something. Poor Eyeless Jack always getting described as a "something". The finger prints on his neck Fingerprints is one word. Like, nobody writes "head aches" or "bed rooms" do they? were something odd. They tasted great! They scanned them and all, but the person they belonged to was murdered long ago. Jack Robins was a young boy who was brutally killed back in the 1970's. I sure am glad these cops committed every important detail of this decades old case to memory. His parents were on a date, and he was being babysat by a local teen trying to get some quick cash. You say that as if all teen babysitters aren't just looking for quick cash.

A strange man broke in while he was asleep and the sitter was busy on the phone. Being on the phone doesn't automatically cancel out all other sounds. I think she'd be able to hear someone breaking in. The man went through the house stealing everything he found useful. The sitter saw him and shrieked, only to be shot down by the robber. The robber found Jack and pulled out his carving knife. Jack saw him and shrieked. The robber, not wanting to get caught, shot him, and then cut his eyes out with the knife. Why? How could cutting out Jack's eyes possibly benefit him in any way? If he's trying to be sneaky then carrying someone's eyeballs around would be super easy to trace. There is literally absolutely no reason for this guy to cut out Jack's eyes other than "well he's gotta become Eyeless Jack somehow!"

I was shocked when I heard this. That poor kid. But what was the killer doing with his fingerprints? Was it a coincidence? You don't know what coincidences are, do you? Was the killer the same one who did this terrible, terrible thing all those years back, and the sicko kept Jack's hands with him? If the killer took Jack's hands the cops would've said that. How is that your first thought? Why would a robber cut off the hand of someone they murdered, keep it on their person and use it decades later to strangle some random person to death? I was scared. Me and my parents were staying in a hotel room since the murder, but I couldn't help but wonder if he was still in the house... Meanwhile, in the woods, Jack woke up. He saw that he was in Slender Man's body. I'm sorry, what? This is a body swapping story now? Why does "Slenderman vs. Eyeless Jack" need to be about body swapping? But more importantly, he actually saw. He discovered that Slender Man didn't just take over his body, he switched both of their souls into each other's bodies. I have so many questions. This story keeps calling Jack a spirit so how can he have even have a body/soul to swap? Since when did Slenderman have a soul? Didn't this story also say Slenderman ate souls? How would swapping souls allow Eyeless Jack to see? How can EJ do all the things he does if he can't see? I have the sneaking suspicion that none of these questions will go answered. Jack, now able to see, used this to follow the Slender Man's foot prints to the house. The police were investigating the scene of the crime, and went into the basement. The entire house was totally dark. If the power went out it'd be nice of you to let us know that. The two police man walked slowly down the stairs, and entered the dark room. The basement was flooded up to the police men's ankles because of the rain. Our house was an old one and it was always in a really crappy condition. Get it remodeled it then.

They found the old light switch and flipped it, only to be attacked and killed by Slender Man in Jack's body. He took on the other cops as they ran down the stairs. Their bullets did nothing. The body may have been harmed, but it was just flesh and bones. Useless flesh and bones. If they're so useless why did Slenderman even do this whole body swapping thing in the first place? How does switching souls with Eyeless Jack benefit Slenderman in anyway?

As the battle in the basement was going on, Jack in Slender Man's body broke down the front door, searching for his impostor. He rushed down the stairs to confront Slender Man. Slender threw his knife into Jack's face, distracting him as he grabbed a metal pipe up from off the floor. He hit the already dazed Jack in the head, knocking him to the floor. Remember: Jack's in Slenderman's body. So according to this story Slenderman can be stabbed, dazed and knocked to the ground. Jack got up and pulled the knife out of his head, impaling Slender Man with it. Slender Man seemed to slow down for a bit, but no real harm was done. "Besides the gaping chest wound I mean." Slender Man tore the knife out and dropped it to the ground. It was useless. Slender Man hit Jack with an uppercut, grabbed him and threw him into the furnace, closing him in and turning it on. Jack struggled to break free, but Slender Man was holding him in with all his strength. Eyeless Jack's body is capable of picking up and throwing the body of Slenderman, who is a 6-10 foot monster with teleportation powers, tentacles, and psychic abilities. Ok then. Jack pushed against the furnace with all his might, and finally jumped out, tackling Slender Man over. He held Slender Man's face down under the water, trying to drown him, but Slender Man managed to push up and knock Eyeless Jak down. Wow, Slenderman knocked Eyeless Jack down so hard the c fell out of his name! Jack reached for a nearby tool bag and pulled out a drill, sticking it into Slender Man's face. He turned it on, and it began to cut into his face. Why is EJ trying to kill Slenderman when they've switched bodies? I assume the body swapping is the reason EJ is mad at Slenderman in the first place so why would he ruin his chances of ever getting his real body back? Guys, Eyeless Jack is drilling into his own face. Slender Man grabbed the drill and pulled it out, throwing it over onto the stair case. Getting shot, drowned and stabbed didn't kill him so cutting into his face with a drill probably wouldn't either. Shouldn't Eyeless Jack know the limitations of his own body? Slender picked up the carving knife, slashed Jack across the chest with it, and jumped up and cut a pipe above Jack's head. Tons of sewage poured down onto Jack, knocking him to the ground and covering him with the slop. Did the writer of this even know Slenderman's power set?

Slender Man left, leaving Jack to die. Slender Man grabbed a thing of matches on the kitchen counter, lit one, and threw it to the ground, burning down the building as he turned and ran out the back door. The entire house burnt up and collapsed in, crushing Jack completely and seemingly finishing him off. Slenderman is leaving his own body to burn to death. Slenderman of all beings should know fire doesn't hurt him! The police told me and my parents about what happened. The cops that were there were killed before any of this crap even happened. They didn't know anything about the two killers or what really went on, but they knew that the house burnt down. I was devastated, but I was hoping that... that THING... was killed in the fire. Can't be, the story's not over yet. Unfortunately. I thought it was all over. I wish it were all over so I could do something more productive with my time like watching paint dry. I told my parents I was ready to go back to school, but they hesitated to let me. We talked it through, and they decided I was okay. What teenager wants to go to school?

The next day at school, my friends from the sleepover, Anne and Lauren, asked me what happened. I told them everything. Jack, how Mark died, the house burning down, etc.,etc. They were shocked. Everyone who overheard was shocked too. One kid approached us. He said that Jack never really died, and that he is still alive. Everybody that he was crazy, but he said that Jack's spirit still wanders the Earth, searching for the man who killed him. Who is this kid and how does he know any of this? The janitor saw all the commotion, and told the kid to go down to the principal's office. He turned to the rest of us and said to get to class. The principal told the kid that the legend of Eyeless Jack was just crazy talk.

Rumor spread that all these stories of monsters and ghosts and stuff was all actually real and the adults were keeping it from us, like some crazy conspiracy. This kind of conspiracy I hope. Now it was like a rebellion was on the horizon. How could these things really exist without anybody letting us know? It's our right to know these kinds of things! If they're trying to protect us it clearly isn't working because now Mark has been murdered! OK we get it author, you really like Freddy vs. Jason. Can you please quit rehashing plot elements from it?

I was angry. We were all angry. I'm angry because it feels like this story should be over by now. But we still had to carry on. The prom was coming soon, and I planned on asking Mark to go with me and maybe we could officially start dating, but then this whole crazy thing happened. Multiple people, including your own boyfriend, have been brutally killed by supernatural forces and you're worrying about the damn prom? I went with Brad, Mark's friend, but I felt really guilty. Just because Mark was killed I went out with his best friend? It was messed up, I knew it. Yeah, taking your boyfriend's best friend to the prom the day after said boyfriend was murdered is pretty messed up.

Everything was fine at the prom, until... it happened. www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xe0Ba… Chuck and Anne sneaked away to make out or something dumb, and then he came. Obvious joke is obvious. They went over by the lockers and made sure nobody was looking, but then they heard footsteps. They thought they were caught, but it was much worse. That masked man that strangled Mark. It was here! It grabbed Chuck and held him up against the wall by his throat. Anne shrieked in terror as the creature stared into Chuck's eyes. Stared deep down into his soul. You'd think someone called "Eyeless Jack" would have a hard time staring at people. Then it took him and it threw him straight out the window. A car was driving by, and Chuck's body landed straight on the windshield, nearly shattering the glass. The principal and the gym teacher both came running to help us out, but they were no match. The masked man grabbed both of the two and hit their heads together, knocking them unconscious, and then he stuffed both of their bodies into a locker. He slammed the door, locking them inside, and then turned around to face Anne. He ripped a locker door off of the wall and hit her upside the head with it, knocking her down. Why is Slendy-in-Jack's body here in the first place? Doesn't he have better things to be doing than picking off stupid teenagers? She got up and ran, and the man... no, not a man... the DEMON rushed after her. Demon? Wasn't he a spirit earlier?

She ran into the gymnasium, where we all were, and told us to run. Too late. The creature bursted in and impaled her with a leg he tore off a desk. Ah yes desks: a common thing to find in gymnasiums. She dropped to the floor, and he tore the leg out of her corpse. We all ran out screaming, but some of us weren't as lucky. Me, Brad, Lauren, and the janitor all got out alive and took off in Brad's van. The janitor drove us away, and said that he knew about Eyeless Jack. What a totally non contrived coincidence that some random janitor at some non descript school knows all about Eyeless Jack, Slenderman and the conspiracy covering them up. He confessed to us, telling us that the kid from the hallway was right all along. He was privy to this information how exactly? They just didn't want kids knowing to try and keep them safe, but it clearly didn't work. As we were driving, a flaming man in a tuxedo ran out into the road, Tuxedos and business suits aren't the same thing. and we accidentally hit him. The janitor thought it was a victim of Jack from the prom, He didn't notice that Slenderman was 6 feet tall and you know, lacking a face? so he rushed out to save him, but the faceless man got up and grabbed him, throwing him into the sky with all his might. We screamed in horror, and Brad leaped into the driver's seat, ramming over the man. So did the janitor come down or did he fly into outer space or something?

We drived off as it tried chasing us on feet, but we managed to escape. We were all scared, and none of us knew what was going on. I remembered the faceless tuxedo man, though. I could never forget him. It was the Slender Man. But he was real? Of course he's real! You've seen him attack people and you just ran him over with your car. UGH. We didn't know what was happening, You and me both. we just knew to get away as quick as possible. Meanwhile, Slender Man and Jack had a score to settle themselves. Jack (in Slender Man's body)arrived at the school to face his foe. A high school: truly the best place to stage the climatic showdown of your story. The two saw each other, and nothing could stop them. Nothing else in the world mattered. It was just them, face to face again at last. Sure, Slender Man had won it the last two times, but now Jack knew better. Jack grabbed the knocked-over punch table, lifted it up over his head, and threw it right at Slender Man, knocking him over. It's damn confusing reading this and having to remember that EJ and Slenderman have switched bodies. Almost like it's pointless or something. Jack quickly ran over and started punching Slender Man repeatedly. Is EJ gonna use a single one of Slenderman's powers while inhabiting his body? Slender Man kicked Jack in the chest and knocked him over. Guess that answers my question. Slender Man started to kick Jack in the face over and over, even stomping on his head. Jack got up and overpowered Slender Man, picking him up and throwing him up on the stage. Jack ran over and jumped up, hitting Slender Man in the chest several times and damaging his decaying ribcage. Jack grabbed Slender Man by the throat and threw him down onto the ground. Jack grabbed one of the band's amps, lifted it up with all his strength, and dropped it down onto Slender Man. Jack picked up a bottle of water off the floor and poured onto his semi-crushed opponent, frying him completely. Eyeless Jack has apparently succeed in destroying his own body. Hooray?

Jack, victorious, left to find me and the others. We were at Brad's house, Can we please just stop with the constant POV and tense changes because this story is testing my patience as it is. and we went inside we saw his dad, dead, hanging from the ceiling by a rusty metal chain. NO! Not Brad's dad! He was almost as well developed a character as Mark! We were shocked, and Brad broke out crying. Me and Lauren let him have his moment, so we went in his room to discuss it. Lauren said that maybe somebody in the town was the one who killed him and that's why this is happening, but I knew it had to be something more. You think it might have something to do with those 2 monster guys running around? You know, the ones you killed your friend and that janitor right in front of you?

I mean, why was Slender Man there? Better question: why is this story still going? Brad walked in, still sad, and asked what was going on. Lauren told him her theory, but he didn't believe it either. Suddenly, a corpse was thrown straight through the window, crashing onto the foor. We all shrieked in terror as we saw the message. It was... written in blood on his chest! It said "If you yourself do not release than it will come to take a piece". "YOU ARE WRONG". He was spying on our conversation? How? Why? For what reason? Suddenly, Jack kicked the door down. Of course, he was in Slender Man's body so we couldn't tell it was Jack at first. How could you tell it was Jack after the fact? How do you know any of this crap involving Jack and Slenderman? He as holding the corpse of Brad's dad, and threw it right at Brad, knocking him to the ground. Brad screamed, and we all ran off, being chased by Jack. We got outside and into the van, but the tires were slashed. Suddenly, Jack ran out of the house and jumped up on the hood of the car, kicking the windshield. It shatter and broke open, and he reached in to get us. Brad kicked him in the face and we ran out, trying to escape on foot. Suddenly, a beaten up and bloodied Slender Man (in Jack's body) I think everybody knows they've switched bodies by now! ambushed us and stabbed Brad in the heart several times with his knife. We shrieked and ran off, when suddenly a car stopped right in front of us on the road. It was Brad's mom, home from shopping! How wonderfully contrived. She said she heard about what was happening and immediately left the store to get us! We drove off as the two monsters fought each other once again. Slender Man stabbed Jack in the face several times, but Jack was unharmed. Which Slenderman should know wouldn't work because it's his body. He grabbed Slender Man, lifting him up off the ground, and threw him into the streets. Jack charged at him, but Slendy kicked him in the stomach and then got up and punched his face several times. Jack overpowered Slendy and pushed him down to the ground, elbowing him in the face. The two struggled and pushed eachother around, until Slender Man managed to push Jack up and throw him off of him. Slender Man got up and ran off to find us, leaving behind Jack. Just finish him off already! There's no reason whatsoever to chase after these dumb kids!

We told Brad's mom what happened, from what happened to Mark, to Jack, to the house burning down, and what happened at the prom. She was depressed that her husband and her son were both murdered, and we were sad about all the murders too. "All these murders are a major bummer, man."

Suddenly, a truck rammed into the car and sent us off road into the forest. The truck chased us into the woods until we hit a tree and the car went tumbling down a path. We jumped out the first chance we got and watched in horror as the car rolled down the nearby docks and fell into the water. You're still alive...how, exactly?

The truck came crashing after us, and Slender Man stepped out. He began to chase us, and we managed to get to an abandoned factory. We picked up a wooden plank and put in through the door handles, locking him out. If Slenderman was in his own body he could just teleport in the building. Hell, he could've teleport them outside the building if he had his old body. See what I mean about how switching bodies with Eyeless Jack doesn't benefit him in anyway? We went into another room so we wouldn't be able to hear the freak pounding on the door. We were terrified. There was no hope left. What could save us now? Hopefully nobody because all of you are such bland characters that I couldn't care less whether you lived or died.

Suddenly, Jack arrived. Slender Man turned around to face the creature, and was immediately kicked in the gut. He stumbled backwards and slammed into the door. Oh goody, another fight scene. Because we haven't had enough of those now, have we? He grabbed Jack by the throat and began to strangle him. He eventually just lifted Jack up by the throat and threw him down into the ground. He kicked Jack in the face several times, but Jack got back up. How do you kick a faceless man in the face? Jack grabbed Slender Man and threw him over into the distance. Slender Man saw a little canoe and picked up the ore, charging at Jack and impaling him through the ribs with it. Slenderman's body can apparently be impaled with a rock. Sure. Why not?

Jack pulled the ore out and hit Slender Man upside the head, knocking him down. Slender Man got up again, only to be smacked by the ore and sent flying. Slender Man landed on the docks, and Jack ran over at him. Meanwhile, we thought the coast was clear so we opened the door and looked outside, stupidly enough. We saw the two fighting on the docks and couldn't help but watch. Standing there and watching the two fight is obviously a better option than running away.

Jack hit Slender Man with an uppercut, knocking him over. Slender Man got back up and punched Jack in the face repeatedly, knocking him back a bit. Jack picked the ore back up and hit Slender Man in the face with it, knocking him down. Jack was serious now. This time...it's personal. He lifted the ore up above his head and pushed it down into Slender Man's chest. He kept stabbing him and stabbing him with it until Slender Man managed to get up and take the ore from him, throwing it into the water.

Lauren yelled out to us, pointing at a stick of dynamite she found. Oh there just happened to be a stick of dynamite lying around on these boat docks? Oh how convenient. What's next, is Brad's mom going to pull out a lighter she just so happened to have and use it to light the dynamite so they can kill Slenderman and Eyeless Jack? Brad's mom pulled out her lighter and lit it. I was joking! We threw it onto the dock as the two were fighting. This was it. Our last hope. Slender Man and Jack were brutally beating each other, and didn't notice the TNT. Suddenly, it finally went off, and it blew the two into the air. They went off into the sky, and crashed down into their watery graves. It was finally over! Oh thank God! Finally I can move on with my life! We were saved! We ran out to get back to town, but little did we know it wasn't over. Why not? Everything's been resolved. There's no reason to keep going.

Slender Man and Eyeless Jack awoke in a fiery pit, surrounded by a whole crowd of demons. They seemed to be chanting some weird spell, when a strange, creepy statue of Link from the Legend of Zelda series Oh come on! appeared before the two, and smiled deviously.

"Men..." he said, "What seems to be the problem?" You couldn't even have BEN say either of his catchphrases? Either "You shouldn't have done that." or "You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?" would have worked here. I sort of appreciate the shout out to one of the unused endings from Freddy vs. Jason but missed opportunity here, come on. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And that, my friends was "Slenderman vs. Eyeless Jack". I have but 1 question to ask: What the hell was the point of any of that? Slenderman eating souls, Eyeless Jack being a spirit, the town trying to cover them both up, Slenderman needing people to fear him in order to gain power and Eyeless Jack's whole backstory were all introduced and then forgotten about. None of the human characters were interesting and they barley impacted the plot at all. The body swapping was completely unnecessary and just made everything extra confusing for no reason and there were just way too many fight scenes. The whole thing just dragged. On the plus side the sentence structure was good and there were relatively few grammar mistakes. It's just that on top of all the other problems the whole premise was silly and it took itself way too seriously from the get go, which is my problem with most vs. fics to be honest.

#old stuff from my deviantart

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thekillerssluts · 7 years ago

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Arcade Fire talk employment, American Dream, 'Everything Now'

Art-rockers Arcade Fire are trying to make us think. They've always tried to push their audience toward social responsibility and awareness. But with their 2017 release Everything Now, they're pressing even further, overinflating their lyrics and live shows with hot-air messages of consumerism, hoping their fans will once again wake up and pop the balloon.

In light of that prevalent issue, I wondered, what's their perspective on opportunity in the U.S.? Do they feel they have too much stuff themselves? How do they avoid working too much to fund their own lifestyles?

Ready to dig deep into all that and more, multi-instrumentalist Will Butler and bassist/guitarist Tim Kingsbury sat down to talk with me before the show.

Cecilia Johnson: Hey, thanks for talking with me. Between "Everything Now" and "Creature Comfort," you guys have been focusing on possession and overabundance on the new album. What's something in your life that you have but could do without?

Kingsbury: I just got rid of a lot of stuff. I moved houses, so it was a big purge. It felt good. Still feel like I need to get rid of more stuff. I could do without CDs at this point in my life.

I also think about consumerism and overworking as really linked -- more money to buy more stuff. How do you avoid working too much, or how successful are you at that?

Butler: We've always worked how we've wanted. Luckily, we've had success from the get-go. I mean, obviously, we've worked really hard. But from the moment Funeral came out, we haven't had to have day jobs. Which has been affirming of the work. It's like, "Oh, that worked, so just keep working as you are."

I mean, toward the end of a touring cycle, you start to feel a little crazy physically, and emotionally, and spiritually.

Kingsbury: Yeah.

Butler: But it's also [that] playing for people and putting on a show is quite meaningful. Like, nothing we do is a money grab. But we've definitely become more of a business. We're literally 70 [people] on the road, so there's six of us, and then the rest of the people are technically our employees. We're employing 64 people to go around the world, and build this crazy stage, and cook for us and cook for the crew. In addition to the local crew. Which is a funny feeling if you think about it.

Kingsbury: I do find that sometimes, further into a tour -- as I get a little more existential about what I'm doing -- I think, "Whoa. All this production. This is crazy." But then that goes away, and I'm like, "There's nothing better than playing these songs to people that want to hear them." It feels very good.

Do you try to keep in mind anything in particular about being a boss? Knowing that these 64 people are your employees, how do you take care of people?

Kingsbury: I just try to talk to everybody, partly. Stay tuned in.

I mean, we have a great tour manager, and our production manager's amazing. I think [it helps to] have a team that you know is communicating well together.

Butler: Yeah, a lot of the crew are rigging stuff at 6 in the morning, and then they rig down after, from midnight to 4 in the morning. We're on utterly opposite schedules.

But we're really intimate with the stage crew. The keyboard tech, Don Lee, has become our studio manager. He's been with us for...ten years?

Kingsbury: Since Neon Bible.

Really? I didn't know that. Do the same guidelines play into how you work with each other as a band?

Kingsbury: It's very different. It doesn't feel like an employee/employer relationship at all; it's more of a partnership. We're not hired to be here. So it's more challenging balancing it with the rest of our lives. Having families and doing all that stuff. It doesn't get easier to balance that stuff, I don't think. It's a constant negotiation.

I thought one of the coolest parts of Everything Now was the way it's sequenced: how it starts with "Everything_Now (continued)," goes right into "Everything Now," and ends with "Everything Now (continued)." Why did you guys want to play with chronology and sequencing like that?

Will Butler: I think we've always made records. We've never had a hit song; we've only had records, and we've technically had three number-one records now. [laughs] They've only lasted a week or so. But albums are the art we make. So we've always deeply thought and sequencing, and pace, and flow, and naming. All of those things really matter.

Tim Kingsbury: I don't know if you noticed, but at the end of the record, it loops straight back into the beginning. We get very nerdy and excited about that kind of stuff. [We like to] pay attention to the whole record as an entity.

Do you each have a favorite song off Everything Now? I know you think of the album as a thing first and foremost, so if that's the answer, that's cool.

Butler: No, it changes as you play them live. Currently, "Put Your Money On Me" is a technical challenge for me that I really enjoy. I have to twiddle a lot of knobs at the start of it, and it still feels a little panicky, and that's a good thing.

That's funny -- I saw your tweets a few days ago about messing up, and they were cool. It is genuinely cool to see someone working for what they're playing, even if they slip up once in a while.

So "Peter Pan" talks about a "dead-eyed American Dream," and there's "the white lie of American prosperity on "Creature Comfort." Do you think the American Dream ever existed? If so, where's it at now?

Kingsbury: Well, I'm a Canadian, so I don't know if I can answer this question.

Butler: What do you think of the Canadian Dream?

Kingsbury: The Canadian Dream is basically to not be America. [laughs] It was like, "Let's stay British. Britain doesn't want us? Oh. Okay, let's not be American." [all laugh]

Will, what about you?

Butler: I think you can have a complex and accurate relationship with American history -- the first Butlers came to Boston in 1630, and they've kind of fulfilled the John Adams idea, where it's like, "We're going to war so that our children can be mathematicians so that their children can be teachers so their children can be artists." That's very much been the arc of my life's path.

My great-grandfather on my mom's side was Mormon, and their family was literally driven from America by shotguns and pitchforks, and they went to Utah because of their religious belief. And then my grandmother grew up in a traveling band. Like, poverty wages. Pre-Great Depression. They would go camping in the summers. They're like, "Remember when we used to go camping and we brought the cow?" And then one of them would be like, "You know we were homeless, right? We weren't camping. We were homeless."

But then they provided for my mom who provided for us. So for us, [the American Dream] has been true. But I think you can also have a really keen eye as to how that has not existed for numbers of people. I think you can be of both minds -- it's a lot easier to be of both minds when you're a rich white person, like myself. But I have heard enough passionate defenses of [the American Dream] from people throughout history that I know there's some truth to it.

Yeah, how do you stay in the present? When you talked about your grandmother being homeless, it reminded me of how we like to romanticize the past. You can do that as a band; fans of the band can do that to your career, too. How do you stay in the now?

Kingsbury: In terms of the band, it's just 'cause I don't want to keep playing the same old songs over and over. It's compelling to explore new ideas. Do you mean in general, or just in the band?

Either or. I guess as a band.

Kingsbury: It's a little bit challenging, because not all of us live in the same city anymore. It takes more of a concerted effort to get together and be like, "Okay, we're gonna do something." When we started, Will was gone for part of it, but we basically all lived in the same place and could just get together.

Butler: On tour, playing the music, you can retreat into the music. It is actually creating stuff in the moment, and people are responding to it. It's rare to be in a line of work where you can actually do that. So there is a very distinct nowness to making music -- almost more than other arts. You're literally just shaking the air between you and someone else.

Kingbury: Mm.

Butler: It doesn't always happen. Sometimes you're just like, "I am doing a job." [sings and mimes punching synthesizer] "I'm doing a job. I'm doing a job." But I find you can retreat into the music whenever it gets dark.

The last thing I wanted to ask was whether Will, you had a favorite song on Tim's new Sam Patch album. Have you had a chance to listen?

Butler: Yeah, it's great. I actually really loved the opening and closing synth swoop of "Must Have Been an Oversight." To me, that's classic. It's like an archetypal sound of the world. That's so cool.

Now that I'm thinking of solo projects, I'm wondering: have you two ever been to Eaux Claires [Festival]? I knew Richard [Reed Parry] and Sarah [Neufeld] have played there.

Butler: No, we're interested. We'd love to do it someday.

Kingsbury: Yeah, it'd be fun. We talk about it.

Thanks for taking the time.

#Arcade Fire #will butler #Tim Kingsbury #interview

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rategain-blog · 7 years ago

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A couple of years ago I came across an article published by an Italian blog titled “Pizzeria sues TripAdvisor for psychological abuse”. I was intrigued and honestly curious to understand how a review site could possibly psychologically damage an inanimate thing like a restaurant, as I was sure that psychological traumas were a prerogative of mankind and, to a certain extent, animals.

Digging through the blog I discovered that the owner of the pizzeria (I quote literally) “reserved the right to refuse to serve TripAdvisor users, because” he continued, “We are here to work and not to be the target of the frustration of reviewers”.

As the name of the pizzeria was published in the article, I went online and checked his reputation and, not surprisingly, not only it was very bad (actually it was terrible), but the manager responses to the client comments were full of insults and threats.

Now, as a former hotel General Manager, I know how frustrating it can be when you do your best and guests slash you on review sites anyway, but that is part of the game. At the end of the day, you will not be able to make everybody love you. That is true for anything in life. Therefore, the only thing you can do (unless the reviews are completely misleading, and in that case, you can always report them to the review site for further investigation and possible removal) is to swallow your ego, calm down and apologize. I was feeling bad for the owner of the pizzeria and I imagined him as a 70-something old school Naple guy that never get out of the pre-web era, so I tried to contact him privately to give him some advises because, with this approach, he was actually damaging his business (giving the F-word to a client is never a good idea). To my big surprise, when I finally reached him, I discovered that he was around my age and pretty familiar with social networks too.

We had a long chat and I explained to him some best practices in order to deal with the (unavoidmakable) occasional bad reviews (all for free, of course). I didn’t really expect gratitude, and I did it just because I felt bad for the guy, but what he said to me at the end of the conversation shocked me: he accused me to work secretly for TripAdvisor and he told me that I wanted him to buy something from the famous review site. At that point, I stopped any kind of contact with him, as the whole situation was turning into an Illuminati-like conspiracy and I honestly did not want to waste more time on it.

Nevertheless, this incident made me think about how restaurants and hotels managers underestimate the power of reviews when it comes to food & beverage.

Within my clients, I have a hotel with an amazing two-Michelin-star restaurant but, even though they actively reply professionally to every single review published on the hotel review sites, the restaurant TripAdvisor page stays on an incredible state of abandonment. Even worse, whenever they receive a bad review, they try to report it in order to move it to the restaurant page. They use the restaurant review page as the hotel parachute. And we are talking about one of the best places you can eat in southern Italy.

Sure, often hotel restaurants are forgettable (at best), overpriced and the majority of guests eat there as a last resort because the closest restaurant in town is half an hour Uber ride away, but does this mean that you have to give up managing your online reputation tout court? I doubt it.

Listening to your guests is, as always, the golden rule. However, there is another one that’s often forgotten: when was the last time you ate at your restaurant? I am sure between your duties as a general manager you have to inspect rooms, meet your staff and speak to your attendants on a daily basis, but how much time do you spend in the kitchen?

Everybody is complaining about the quality of the veggies on Yelp? Well, maybe it is time to change your distributors. The name of that rude F&B Manager pops out on every single review. I think you should have a chat vis-à-vis with him and solve the issue once for all.

Hotel restaurants have the tendency of being seen as sons of a lesser God when it comes to hospitality: as long as rooms are clean and Wi-Fi works fine then there is no need to worry about the undercooked pasta. They are conceived as unanimated appendages to the main entity: the hotel. However, the reality is that they are not. Even though they do not necessarily reflect the hotel style and vibe, it does not mean they are just tools to make some ancillary revenue. Especially if your hotel is located far from the city center, it is vital that you give your guests a great experience. Would you risk destroying your hotel online reputation just because you serve watered down margaritas? I do not think so. Great experience can mean good prices too. If you know that your restaurant is average, it can be a good idea to review your à-la-carte menu to make it look less like a robbery. Remember that with the rise of mobile and social networks your reputation is just one click away so sometimes listening to your clients when they are in the restaurant is not enough.

Therefore, what you should do to actively monitoring your restaurant online reputation?

We gathered 10 golden rules to improve your restaurant experience:

Collect and aggregate data from all the review sites that mention your property and your competitors. This will give you a better understanding of what is working and what needs to be improved. There are modern online reputation management tools that can do it for you, so adapt an online reputation technology that could simplify all the unstructured data in way that is more actionable. Insight on what are reviewers writing about your restaurant, is crucial to identify the gaps and improve guest experience.

Use an online reputation management tool to map your service style and cuisine with your competitors so that you can benchmark and improve by doing apple-to-apple comparison. Remember that Devil is in detail of guest experience.

Once you start analyzing your competitive set, focus on key metrics for these four categories a) Food & Beverage: consistency, freshness, value for money, portion size, smell, taste and temperature. b) Dining Experience: business hours, greeting, internet access, location, parking, restrooms, seating room and standing room. c) Service: Quality and speed. d) Ambiance: cleanliness, décor design, atmosphere, comfort, heating and cooling, noise isolation and lighting.

That should be understood, but claim all your pages. You should always have control over those and make sure there are no duplicates. It’s free and easy to do and you can add a lot of useful information like your location, your average price, etc.;

Reply to ALL your reviews. Not only the bad ones, ALL of them. If your clients are happy then just thank them, if they’re angry apologize and promise that you will make everything in your power to improve the service

Do not focus on TripAdvisor only. There are dozens of directories out there: Dineout.co.nz, Facebook, Foodio54, Google, Opentable, Restaurant.com, TopTable.co.uk, Yell, Yelp, Zomato etc. Make sure to be listed and active on all of these. Your online reputation management tool can help you to structure data and get all your online mentions in real time.

Foodies love images: think about opening an Instagram account and share your best dishes every day. You can create a hashtag to give to your clients too, so they will share more images and you will have free contents on a daily basis!

Foodies love videos too: you can think about connecting your Google MyBusiness page to a YouTube channel and publish an interview to the chef or a video of your bartender preparing a perfect Martini Dry. These kind of contents are always appreciated;

You can think about inviting influencers to your restaurant and get a great article written on their blogs. It can be expensive, but usually the return on branding is totally worth it.

Last but not least: create a proper strategy: improvisation is good for jazz, but not if you want to re-brand your restaurant.

So, is managing restaurant’s online reputation a priority for hotel general managers? It surely is, if you focus & leverage on technology it can turn out to be a Secret Sauce in enhancing your Hotel Brand.

Originally published at rategain.com on June 28, 2017.

#online reputation management tool #improve guest experience #Hotel Brand Reputation

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jonathanbelloblog · 6 years ago

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2019 Toyota RAV4 Is All About Risk and Reward

CARMEL-BY-THE-SEA, California — A niche vehicle at its inception 25 years ago but now practically an entire industry unto itself, the Toyota RAV4’s 2019 redesign sees it take a dramatic turn for the rugged. But rather than being a wanton risk, the change enhances the RAV4’s stature as Toyota’s bestseller and the truck/utility market’s top non-pickup.

The 2019 lineup incorporates nine trim levels—five with the gas-only powertrain and four with the gas-electric hybrid one—and all now share a platform with the Camry and Avalon rather than the Corolla, as in the past. The new RAV4 is a bit wider and offers up to 8.6 inches of ground clearance, but the roofline is slightly lower. The chassis is claimed to be 57 percent more rigid yet lighter than before, and it accommodates wheels up to 19 inches in diameter on the top-of-the-line Limited. The RAV4 has a new 2.5-liter inline four-cylinder gasoline engine and eight-speed automatic transmission, and the all-wheel-drive setup now has available torque-vectoring and rear driveline disconnect.

The thoroughly revised hybrid uses a version of the four-cylinder but routes its power instead through a continuously variable transmission and a unique, electric-assist all-wheel-drive system. Body designers received a green light and, evidently, a set of sushi knives, so the outgoing model’s squinty and somewhat dorky face has been supplanted by a craggy and puckered countenance that suggests that, after years of pursuit, Prospector Pete finally got a smooch from Madame Kitty. LED forward lighting is standard across the board to illuminate the way from your favorite trail back to civilization after a day’s paddle-bike-climb. The scalloped and sculpted sides challenge one’s eye; overall, we see a strong resemblance to other Toyota trucks, especially the Tacoma and 4Runner, and the design holds together pretty well.

Compared with the outgoing model, the new interior offers better outward visibility, a wider center console with side-by-side cupholders, and more backseat legroom. Options such as a panoramic sunroof, digital rearview mirror, eight-inch info screen, and wireless phone charging highlight the features list. The crystal-clear radiance of the optional 11-speaker JBL audio is a shock in a vehicle that costs from $26,545 to $36,745—it’s better than the system we have at home. When the RAV4 is equipped with Remote Connect, you can use a smartwatch app or Amazon Alexa’s Toyota skill to warm up the engine or find out how much fuel is in the tank.

Safety is a primary consideration for RAV4 buyers—and there were about 408,000 of them in 2017, or basically the population of Tulsa—and thus active safety features have increased. Toyota Safety Sense 2.0 is standard even in the entry-level LE and includes pre-collision sensors that, among other things, can detect bicyclists in the daytime (no word as to whether unicyclists will also be spared). The adaptive cruise control is good from a stop all the way to 110 mph, the lane-departure alert with steering assist now can read roads’ crumbly edges, and the RAV4 will also peruse road signs for you and send alerts if necessary. Passive safety includes eight airbags and a trial subscription to Safety Connect for emergencies. Trailer sway control helps, well, control trailer sway, with the Adventure model able to tow up to 3,500 pounds. (The other gas models are capped at 1,500 pounds, the hybrid at 1,750.)

Under the hood, the 2.5-liter four-cylinder meets the battle call readily but is a tad reedy under acceleration. The engine and other components are arranged to look respectable and smart, like a good review of municipal officials. Is this powerplant sophisticated? The 16 variable-action inlet and outlet valves are schooled to jump back and forth between beats as varied as disco, AC/DC, and techno. The high compression ratio of 13.0:1 (14.0: 1 in the hybrid) is like living on Bolivia’s Altiplano and never having a headache while running a marathon. This paragon of a four-banger eschews turbocharging but, in nonhybrid versions, still makes 203 horsepower and 184 pound-feet of torque while running on 87-octane fuel. The hybrid’s version of the four is rated for 176 horses and 163 pound-feet, but electric assist pushes total horsepower to 219 and allows the gas-electric XSE to dash from 0 to 60 mph in 7.8 seconds, according to Toyota. The automaker says 8.3 seconds is the best a gas-only RAV4 can do. The hybrid’s electric-drive components are more fit and efficient than ever, and its nickel-metal-hydride battery slots neatly under the backseat. The AWD-only 2019 hybrid can achieve an estimated 39 combined mpg—up 7 mpg from the 2018 model.

As mentioned, gas models get an eight-speed automatic transmission, a big upgrade with a wider ratio spread than the previous six-speed. In our driving, it operated invisibly. The hybrid’s continuously variable transmission is responsible for the same old counterintuitive engine mooing under acceleration. Indeed, our enthusiasm lags when a CVT is involved, even as Toyota is attempting to sell the XSE hybrid on its performance—it also has a sport-tuned suspension, they say. “Our goal is to broaden the appeal of the hybrids,” said Lisa Materazzo, Toyota Motor North America vice president, who expects the take rate to jump from 10 to 25 percent.

Our favorite of the bunch was the Adventure, the only gas model not available with front-wheel drive. We sampled a one of those in the alluring Lunar Rock gray with Ice Edge white roof, and the experience and color combo brought to mind a fun time we had years ago with an FJ Cruiser. Today’s two-toner has a skid plate and black slotted wheels with discreet machine finishing—quite easy to touch up after rubbing against rocks—and the Adventure also features the latest AWD driveline with torque-vectoring that funnels power to the wheel or wheels that have traction. We careened around a course at Carmel Valley Ranch, where Toyota hosted this preview, and found ourselves marveling at its tenacity and ability. And it could do even better, we suspect, with rubber more aggressive than the Yokohama Avids fitted to the vehicle we drove.

On the road, every iteration of the new RAV4 impressed with high levels of composure, substantiality, and refinement. The interior is quite serene, although some trim in the Adventure rattled over Carmel Valley Road’s indifferent pavement. The seating position and comfort are tremendous, as is the control layout. USB points abound, and the trim is imaginative and vibrant. We didn’t see our test cars after the wine was poured at dinner, so we can only transmit rumors of excellent nighttime ambience and the digital mirror’s backlighting.

The RAV4 was introduced in Europe and Japan in 1994 and came to North America in 1995. How well we remember our Four Seasons test of that first RAV4. I personally drove it thousands of miles in 1996 and 1997, including a sortie from Automobile’s former home of Ann Arbor, Michigan, to Tacoma, Washington, and back, to interview Richard Griot, founder of the Griot’s Garage catalog. Montana had no posted speed limits back then, and the RAV proved its cheek and contributed to my hearing loss by achieving 90 mph. (The cassette of Nirvana’s Nevermind didn’t help). Everybody at the magazine loved it; none had an idea it would lead a gargantuan category in the United States, selling roughly 14,000 fewer units in 2017 than Audi, Volvo, and Jaguar Land Rover combined.

Now turning 25 years old, this pioneer of compact crossovers has completed its MBA and hasn’t lived with its parents in years. For my own college frat brother who asks what to do when trading in his Honda CR-V next year, the answer is, “Yes, turn your pointy head toward the RAV4.” Moms, dads, doctors, retirees, adventurers, humanities majors, human-resources managers, acolytes, activists, zealots, and zombies will like this vehicle. Sales are going to grow, maybe because the category is expanding but also because the 2019 RAV4 is so appealing, especially compared to baby Jeeps and dowdy Subarus. Toyota’s risky redesign is rousing, and the rewards will be large.

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jesusvasser · 6 years ago

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2019 Toyota RAV4 Is All About Risk and Reward

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bthenoise · 7 years ago

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2017 And Beyond: A Year In Review & A Year Ahead With Black Label Society Founder And Ozzy Osbourne Guitarist Zakk Wylde

[photo by Alex Kluft]

After wrapping up an incredibly busy year touring the world with Zakk Sabbath, the Experience Hendrix Tour and his former “boss” Ozzy Osbourne, guitar legend Zakk Wylde is currently enjoying some well-deserved peace and quiet with his wife Barbaranne before hitting the road all over again on his Noise Presents Black Label Society tour.

See, when Wylde is offstage and his iconic striped guitars are unplugged, the six-string soloist is a lot like us. “I’d rather just sit on the couch,” he tells us jokingly looking into the New Year. Being that 2017 was such an active year for the hard rock icon and because his 2018 is looking to be just as busy with a new Black Label Society record on the way, Noise contributor Jimmy Smith reached out to Wylde to recap the year that was and see what the long-haired, fun-loving guitarist/vocalist anticipates moving into January.

To check out Jimmy’s interview with Wylde chalk full of laughs, stories about the Ozz Man and insight into how the Book Of Shadows penman has been able to maintain his success for 30-plus years, be sure to see below. Afterwards, make sure to pick up tickets to see Black Label Society out on tour with Corrosion Of Conformity and pre-order their forthcoming album Grimmest Hits before it hits stores January 12th.

This may or may not be the hardest question I ask you today: What was your favorite album of 2017? Well, the most recent record I just got was Robert Plant’s new album, Carry Fire.

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What’d you think about it? I think it’s slammin’! I’m a big fan. I also like that other band he played in, Led Zeppelin. I think they’re good too [laughs].

[Laughs] Yeah, I think some people might have heard of them. Yeah, his side project. I also enjoy his “side project,” Led Zeppelin [laughs].

So, what about your favorite movie of 2017? Probably, Get Out. I thought that was really good. The actual plot and the whole thing — I was like this is kinda new. This is pretty cool. So that was fresh and done really well.

Favorite TV show of the year? It’s gotta be either Curb [Your Enthusiasm] or Seinfeld. Whatever’s on of the two, those are great. Or just old Star Trek -- original Star Trek.

Are you enjoying the new Curb season so far? Without a doubt. What’s not to like about it? It just keeps getting sillier and sillier [laughs].

Yeah, it’s awesome Larry David’s back doing that stuff again. Your favorite song of 2017? Uh… Favorite song of 2017? So far, um, I wanna say… of this year?

*Barbaranne Wylde in the background*: “Room of Nightmares!”

Oh! It’d have to be “Room of Nightmares!” Yeah, what am I thinking?!

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That’s a very good pick. And that may or may not lead to our next question of your favorite music video of 2017. Well of course! I wouldn’t actually call it a music video [though]. That was more a documentary about us playing a children’s birthday party. Ozzy was asking me, “Zakk, is this real?” [And I said] “No, you know what? It’s all too real, Oz. It’s a sad fact that the music business is what it is and we gotta play 11-year-old’s birthday parties, circumcisions, proms and weddings.” So it is what it is. But you know what? At the end of the day, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks [laughs].

So that video was pretty fun to shoot, I imagine? Yeah, without a doubt. It was awesome. It was just beyond silly and the kids had a lot of fun, so it was a good time.

What was your favorite Internet moment of the year? It could be your favorite viral video, meme or gif. Well, the new ones I got up on my Instagram and all my social media right now. The day I worked at Generation Records is pretty good right now.

A post shared by Zakk Wylde (@zakkwyldebls) on Dec 5, 2017 at 12:04pm PST

I saw that one. That one was pretty funny. Do you have a lot of time on your hands to put those things together? Well of course, I look in the mirror and I go: I have no friends and no one wants to hang out with me. [laughs] I might as well come up with something.

[Laughs] Well that’s interesting. When you talk to other bands who don’t have much of an online presence, do you look at them and get confused? Like, as if they don’t realize the audience they can reach with their social media platform?

Well I mean that’s why I always tell kids, you know, younger musicians [who ask] “You got any advice?” or their parents go, “Hey Zakk, you got any advice for my son or daughter? They want to play music.” The interesting thing is, back before I got the gig with The Boss [Ozzy Osbourne], me, you and the band were trying to get— you know, the big thing was to get a record deal blah, blah, blah. But the whole thing back then was, if you didn’t get signed by the time were 30-years-old, it’s kinda like the dream’s over [and] I guess it’s time to get a horrendous job for the rest of our lives. Whereas nowadays, the cool thing about [social media] is, if nobody signs me and you, it’s like, “Dude, we’ll just do it ourselves. To hell with it, we’ll just do it ourselves.”

Just like us starting our own burger joint. I mean, it’s just like we’ll get a hot dog cart and we’ll start from there. And we’ll do it ourselves, you know what I mean? We’ll go door-to-door and we’ll build this thing. So I mean that’s really kinda the cool thing about [social media] because you can actually be your own boss. It doesn’t matter what level the band is on because I remember telling Oz, I go, “Oz, think about it. Back in the day, if this was 1969, 1970 and you guys are in England, me and Jimmy could be living in Seattle, New Jersey, Boston or whatever. And we’re like ‘Dude, check out this band. It’s Black Sabbath. They’re from England.’” You know what I mean? It’s just really cool. I’m saying, “Oz, if no radio stations are playing Black Sabbath or anything, you’re reaching everybody on social media. You don’t even need them.” You don’t have to kiss anybody’s ass to get anything. It’s just like I don’t need any favors from you. Me and Jimmy will just do it ourselves. We’ll post it up on social media. We’ll make our own records, we’ll take them out and then we’ll get the packaging done and we’ll go door-to-door and we’ll sell it at our shows. So [with social media] you’re completely hands on. I mean it really is like me and you bought the building. Me and you make the coffee. Me and you make the donuts. Me and you box them up and ship them out. So that really is the cool thing about it. I’ve seen so many younger bands do it. Without a doubt, if I was eighteen years old again, me and you would be doing that. We’d have our band, we’d have our U-Haul and we’d be going door-to-door to make sure me and you don’t have to have a crummy job the rest of our lives. I mean like, literally, make the band your job. It really is the truth.

I think that’s great because I feel there are some metal bands that don’t even know how to log into Facebook. They’d rather just play music. But in today’s world you have to have that avenue to keep building your audience otherwise people may or may not just forget about you. But I mean like I said, you’re either up for doing it, or I mean, put it this way: If me and you owned the New York Yankees, I would want me and you being involved with everything -- aside of the drafts, the trades, the free agency. And then, me and you own it but we have all our buddies that we hire who are working that are really good at whatever. I’m saying, like, me and you every day [have] the grocery list of domination that is kinda like talking about how we’re going to make the stadium basically a year-round mall, year-round shop. And so when it’s not baseball season, we got concerts going on, we got shopping going on, we got restaurants in the stadium, we’ll have apartments in the stadium. I’m just saying: So it’s a completely living, functioning thing. It’s not just cause it’s baseball. I mean obviously me and you want the Yankees to win every year, that’s the whole thing. That’s priority number one. [However], me and you are involved with everything – making transportation to the stadium better, making it easier, making it safer — just improving constantly every day. Me and you are sitting going, “Oh dude, it’d be cool if we put a movie theater in it” and yadda yadda yadda. And it’s like yeah, we’ll do that.

So I mean, I always tell kids, “If you’re not practicing [music], you’re not writing songs, then you should be either doing your artwork or dialing in the merch.” I mean you should have a hand in everything. You should never be going, “I can’t believe we made a million dollars and me and Jimmy only have $8.15 in our bank account.” I mean that’s nobody’s fault but us. It really is, you know what I mean? At the end of the day, if we owned a bar and each beer was a dollar and we noticed that a hundred beers were sold [then] me and you check the cash register at the end of the night and we go, “There’s only eighty bucks in here man. We’re twenty—there were a hundred beers sold and they were a buck each. We have eighty bucks in here— who’s pocketing cash around here? We’re missing money.” Then we just shake everybody down, hang them off the building and then we get our money back.

[Laughs] That’s interesting because obviously that business savviness can be seen in everything you have going on other than your music (Wylde Audio, Valhalla Java, etc.). When you started, did you always have that business mindset or did you kind of grow into that throughout your career? I pretty much grew into it. When I was younger giving guitar lessons, I would keep up with everybody and just say “Hey, just a reminder, Jimmy - tomorrow we got the lesson at five or whatever” and you’re like “Yeah, alright” or be like “Hey Zakk, can we do it the day after because I can’t do whatever.” So I’d be up on that. But you know, between mowing lawns and everything going door-to-door, saving up money to get a guitar, an amp, petals, whatever. So, I mean, the working aspect I’ve always—you always realize that if you want something nice, if you want a guitar, if you want something, you gotta work for it. You gotta start mowing lawns and that’s that. So shoveling snow, whatever it is you gotta do before you get a job. But, no, like I said, it’s not for everybody, but I love doing it.

Going back to the best of 2017, what was your favorite onstage moment of the year? Hmmm... it would have to be “Room of Nightmares”! – playing for a bunch of eleven-year-olds!

[Laughs] That’s good! I mean you could’ve picked playing Ozzfest, but I’m sure doing that music video was pretty memorable. Yeah, I mean obviously Ozzfest was great and playing with The Boss again is always a laugh fest. Just being around Oz for five minutes, you’ll be on the floor crying laughing. It doesn’t matter how depressed you are, all you gotta do is hang around him for five minutes. It’s like being with Larry David [laughs].

I feel like it should be a goal of yours to get Larry David and Ozzy Osbourne in the same room. [Laughs] Ozzy is the Larry David of metal!

[Laughs] That’s great! Next is… your New Year’s resolution? I never make any New Year’s resolutions. I just plan on being as lazy and depressed as possible. Why be happy and get off the couch? You know what I mean, why?

You could get off that couch to go do a tour next year. That could be a good reason. Yeah, I just stay horrendous. But then you gotta put work in. Yeah, that’s work. I’d rather just sit on the couch [laughs]. I’m not bothering anybody.

Let’s go into next year then. Obviously exciting stuff – the tour, the album. What’s the thing you’re most excited about releasing the record? Well obviously it’s Grimmest Hits, not greatest hits. So the thing I’m most excited about is there are no expectations. It's not like “Oh, let’s listen to these hit songs.” It’s just like, “No, they’re not hit songs. Don’t worry about it. You won’t find any hits.” That’s quite the relief and it’s not a burden on my back [laughs]. But between that, obviously just getting back together with the fellas and rollin’ -- cause you know we’ve been doing the Zakk Sabbath thing for a bit and that’s been a blast rolling with Blasko and Father Joe and the rest of the Doom Crew. I think the last show we did on the Book of Shadows tour was well over year ago now, like a year and four or five months ago. We played with Guns ‘n’ Roses in Arizona. So we’ve just been, I mean we did the record and stuff like that, but I’m looking forward to seeing the rest of my Black Label brethren and us going and seeing how the choreography works out and the dance steps.

When you named the album Grimmest Hits, did you think people may have thought you guys were just putting out a greatest hits album? I had no concern for that at all. Because somebody did ask me, “Zakk, do you think they’ll get it messed up with a greatest hits?” and I go, “No. Why would they get it mixed up?” “Why are you so relaxed about it?” “Well first off, in order to have a greatest hits record, you need one important ingredient: hits. And we don’t have that yet.” [Laughs] So there you go. That’ll just de-confuse the whole idea. And when they hear Grimmest Hits, they’ll go, “Actually, you know what? These songs aren’t as grim as I thought they’d be.” So that’s a win right there.

So pretty much once the album comes out, the confusion will be cleared up? Yeah, because they’re gonna listen to it and say, “There are no hit songs on this record.” [laughs]

What’s the thing you’re most looking forward to about this tour? I know you touched on it a little, but getting back and doing Black Label stuff for the first time in a while, you’re obviously going out with such a great package. Is it interesting to think about doing your own stuff again and not playing Black Sabbath or Ozzy songs but all your own songs again? To me, I wouldn’t change my situation for anything. I always said playing with The Boss is like playing in the coolest cover band ever. And you get to play your own songs too. And then when we’re doing Zakk Sabbath, it’s like me and you doing Sabbath when we were sixteen years old playing keg parties in people’s kitchens and like I said, circumcisions and eleven-year-old parties. Now, I’m fifty years old and I’m still playing Black Sabbath songs [and] that’s just awesome. It’s an awesome reason to get together and jam. That’s a lot of fun. Then obviously, playing with the fellas. I really am truly blessed. I couldn’t ask for a cooler situation. Like you said, each one of them is awesome. I love rolling with The Boss. I love rolling with Blasko and Father Joe. Then I love rolling with the rest of my Black Label brethren and the Doom Crew. I wouldn’t change my situation for anything. I thank the good Lord when I wake up, that’s always important. Because when you wake up, you think, “OK, I’m breathing and this is very good.” And then in the middle of the day, and then before bed. Then when you wake up in the middle of the night for a midnight snack, I thank him then too. I’m truly blessed, man.

When you’re doing Black Label tours, do you feel like things are more on your shoulders versus when you’re doing other things? Or is it just another show for you? No. To me, it’s just the love of music. The cool thing about it is that it helps keep a marriage fresh. Bottom line is like, if I’m just doing Black Label all the time, Barbaranne would just go, “Whatever, it’s just Black Label Society.” Then when I’m playing with Ozzy, she’s like “Oh my god! You’re the guitarist in Ozzy Osborne?” And she’s like really into me. Then all of a sudden, if I’m not playing with Oz and that kinda gets old, she’s like, “Oh my god! I love Black Sabbath! You’re in that Zakk Sabbath band?” It really works out good, man [laughs]. People ask me how you keep a successful marriage? That’s one way. Being in a couple different bands [laughs].

[Laughs] Just keep it exciting at all times. Switch it up. Without a doubt. Because the energy and excitement start wearing off, you know what I mean? Me and you just start doing the other bands and our girlfriends are like “Oh my god, they’re sooo hot!” Because then they’ll go like this and they’ll actually say, “Well we haven’t slept with these guys yet!”

[Laughs] That’s amazing advice! As a newlywed, I’ll definitely keep that in mind. The marital pitch from Uncle Zakk.

We talked a bit about the business stuff you have going on. Are there any business endeavors in the New Year you’re looking forward to starting? Yeah, obviously we’ve got Wyld Audio expanding. We got the electrics obviously that we’re going to start working on. The amps and the acoustics are next. And we’ve got strings in the works right now. So just a bunch of new, some new fresh Krispy Kreme donuts about to leave -- some Black Label Country Donuts o’ Doom over there. So I’m definitely looking forward to that.

As a fellow bearded guy: Have you ever had the idea to pursue a beard oil? Maybe it could be a beard and hair, like, Mane and Tail type thing? Well, I eat a lot of protein. So it’s a lot of eggs and chicken and stuff like that. And fish and lean beef. So I’m sure the beard stuff would be made out of that because most of the time I leave my food in my beard because you never know when you might get hungry for a snack later on [Laughs]. You and me could be hanging around and I’m like “Jim, you hungry?” “Zakk, I got a chicken sandwich hanging out of my beard, I’ll be fine.��

#Zakk Wylde #Black Label Society #The Noise Presents #Ozzy Osbourne #Zakk Sabbath #Best Of #Guest List #Interview

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