#it's funny that im poly and attracted to a lot of people but i havent even KISSED anyone yet

[spykesdykegf]

being aceflux is so fucking wild

[lyriumrain]

it feels kinda surreal to talk about this but like. dream daddy has...kinda forced me to look at myself and my identity and honestly playing through the various routes (only completed 2 so far) has been making me feel...weird. Uncomfortable? maybe? not in a bad way or anything...but i’ve thinking about some stuff to do with body image and how i see myself and how i identify. lots of text under the read more, but if anyone can understand my gibberish and want to comment, feel free.

a few years ago I was looking at various people on the internet who were talking about being trans, what it felt like and stuff and i related to a lot of the points they made and i thought maybe i was trans? Im naturally quite laid back when it comes to identity, at least i thought i was. because i didnt really think about it beyond that. until I started talking with and reading posts by non-binary/genderfluid people and suddenly that felt closer to what I feel, their experiences kinda filled in the blanks...so to speak. and again i didnt really think about it too much

and im kind of still trying to figure why it was that i didnt want think about my identity. so i started putting together facts, things i definitely knew about myself:

i am comfortable being referred to as she/he or they. i like being called he, the few times i’ve been talking to someone online and they’ve assumed i’m male and i havent corrected them because it felt...nice? right? im not sure

sometimes i want to present as feminine, sometimes masculine and sometimes i dont want to be either (this confused the heck out of me)

i hated, absolutely loathed my breasts (this sentiment is why i initially thought i was trans)

fast forward to now when I got dream daddy and suddenly i’m having to think about my identity again. because, i don’t know about everyone else, but i personally always put a bit of myself into every video game character i make.. its why in RPGs that let you choose gender i’ll always play a girl, because i’ve identified as a girl for at least 20+ years of my life and never saw any appeal in the male protagonists.

but then DD gives the option of making a dad that’s trans and...honestly it’s been really hard, emotionally speaking, seeing the avatar i made be in loving relationships with characters that love you and accept you, not matter whether you’re gay or bi or poly or trans, etc. 

which is where I come back to why, in years previous, i havent wanted to think about my own identity. it’s something i’m already aware of but had never connected to my identity troubles: I hate my body.  I have E-cup breasts that I find absolutely grotesque to look at and they’re nothing but a pain to deal with, sometimes literally. on top of that i’m fat, something I’ve struggled with since I was a kid. and my face ranges from ugly to average, depending on my mood and the angle i look at myself from. 

Why is this pertinent? because for as long as i remember i’ve only ever seen “androgynous” or non-binary people presented as being slim (or toned at least), conventionally attractive and young. being on tumblr has obviously exposed me to a lot different people that identity as non-binary that dont fit in those categories...but i never applied it myself? whenever I looked at myself i thought, you’re not attractive, you’re not slim, therefore you can’t be non-binary. 

so here i was, excited to play dream daddy because I’d heard it’s funny and sweet and i’m starved for a good dating sim. and i start, i make a character that’d based on an OC i have but he’s also what I’d want to look like if i could completely reconstruct myself (apart from the fact that he’s asian of course, that’s solely a part of his character. im not one of those white people that wants to be a different race cause they think it’s ‘cool’...but i digress. just thought i’d mention that in case people get the wrong idea).

anyway. i pick the ‘slim’ option, because I want to be lanky and toned, always have. and i see the binder/trans option. and i think to myself...well if i’m making him an ideal version of myself i’d be trans, right? so i pick the binder option and move on, give him blue eyes, white hair and the navy suit cause why the fuck not, he looks badass. But as I’m playing?? i’m projecting more and more of myself onto this avatar until i’m starting to feel like i am this character, and that’s not normally uncommon for me, i project a lot (for various reasons i wont get into). but im finding myself getting...not quite upset per se...but I’m definitely feeling uncomfortable. I want a flat chest, really badly, but i don’t get gender/body dysphoria about having a vagina. So at this stage i probably am making myself upset because...I’m just really confused and uncomfortable with my body.

i’ve heard trans people talk about being comfortable with the body they’re in and that they aren’t going to get surgery to change themselves but again...it was never something i thought about in relation to myself? and i’m only just coming to the realisation that I can want a flat chest but also be comfortable with what my crotch consists of. if that makes sense.

like, you know those flowery posts that go around saying shit like “trans men/women are men/women regardless of what their parts are!” with smiley faces and blooming flowers? well i’ve seen those in the past and thought ‘yeah that’s true’ and then scrolled past them without thinking ‘hey loser that includes YOU. YOU can want to change things but be content with others AND still identify as non-binary’. AMong other things of course but as I said at the beginning, i’m still working this out. 

but i didn’t start thinking any of this before working it out with the character i’d made. i’d started giving this character the same worries i have regarding body image and intimacy with others. I ended up romancing craig with this character because i felt like he’d already know about my characters struggles and identity and he’d be...totally cool with it, it’s just another aspect of my character that makes them them. (i’ve since made a new character that’s more like the real me and honestly its so strange (good strange) to see the dad version of me being shown love and care? but that’s for another time)

 I’ve never really felt a part of the lgbt+ community, i’ve always distanced myself from it, told myself it’s not my place. but this experience has...helped me start thinking about myself differently. 

im not saying that dream daddy is a life changing dating sim but like.... it kind of is? just this small amount of representation has nudged me back into the process of figuring myself out, where i belong, who i am. and i think that’s incredible. i love how the developers have formed this game to not only be funny, and silly, and ridiculous, but also serious and heart warming. it’s not a perfect game, but for me it’s been a great experience. Dare I say...an absolute... dream to play? 

[caffeinelemur]

every third question pls :3

u bitch

Who are you looking forward to seeing?id be happy to see literally anyone at this point im a lonely bishWhat kind of people are you attracted to?Funny, caring, likes to cuddle, nerdy, likes to talk to me, likes animals? Is decent? SARCASM?Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?sometimes, not if im joking about like my magnum dong or something but i dont like seeing it or irl insinuating like i dont wanna think about that ew noWhat are your 5 favorite songs right now?Strawberry Trapper by Guilty Kiss (yeah i know Love Live)Trust In Me by Scarlett Johannson Fight Song by Rachel PlattenTake On Me by Aha AND Ninja Sex Party (oh Danny mi amore)Take Me To Church by HozierWhat good thing happened this summer???? i havent died yet??Do you still talk to your first crush?no i avoid him like the fucking plague bc hes everywhere and he basically ruined my tiny child life by being an assholeWhat are your bad habits?bite my fingernails, talk too fast and too much, can’t remember shit, sleeps too much at the wrong times, wants to cuddle but usually when ur busyFavorite part of your daily routine?eating and sleepingDo you wish your skin was lighter or darker?I am a pale pasty bitch and am teased mercilessly my whole life for it but I sincerely wish i had inherited the Cherokee skin tone my family passed down until the White took over i think dark skin is absolutely BeautifulDo you ever want to get marriednot traditionally, but id totally get friend married or even poly friend married or platonic love married Spell your name with your chin.cadfdfHave you ever liked someone and never told them?i like everyone who talks to me more than once, if ur my friend i Like youWhat are your favorite stores to shop in?food, art, books, gothIf your being extremely quiet what does it mean?i feel upset, ill, or lonelyWhat makes you get out of bed in the morning?taking care of my puppers, eating foodHave you ever been drunk?i got a tad buzzed last thanksgiving but as i am not Technically Legal until april no i have notEver wished you were someone else?yes and no, i wish i was still me but like, not so fucked up and uglyFavourite store?local bookstore or art supply storeFavourite food?strawberriesEver won a competition? For what?noEver been in love?im in love with all my friendsDo you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?seeing as i barely have “real” friends, yes. id friend marry the shit outta uAre you watching tv right now?yes. well… a DVD. with commentary. Leverage season TwoWhat colour are your towels?Green, Purple, or BlackHow many stuffed animals do you think you have?a million billion gazillionChocolate or Vanilla?STRAWBERRYWhat colour pants?depends on the outfit. Usually grey, black, or dark blue but if they ever had flared leg jeans in lime green ud bet your ass id wear thekMean Girls or Mean Girls 2?never seen eitherFavourite character from Finding Nemo?DoryName a person you hate?Lord DampnutIn a fight with someone?does my emotionally abusive stepfather countLast movie you watched?new live action Jungle BookDo you tan a lot?cant tan just burn im a pasty bishDo you type fast?yes, correctly? no, but can i spell? also no, and do i make mistakes? hell yeaDo you miss anyone from your past?sometimes. dont have a lot of people IN my past to miss tho.Have you ever been on a horse?yes (my feet didnt reach the stirrups. I was not a child at the time.) Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?yes113. What was your childhood nickname?the Living Thesaurus (by kids in my english classes) is that a nickname or bullying im not surealso “that ginger kid”and my family calls me SquirtAre you listening to music right now?no im watching Leverage  Favourite book?The Princess BrideIs cheating ever okay?NO NO ITS FUCKING NOT NOOOOOOOOOODo you believe in true love?i believe i love people a lot *shrugs*Would you change your name?yeah maybe, i like the name Evangeline way too much i wish i had it Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do????? whats the opposite of nothing? everything? my best friends are both Beautiful Ladies that i’d smooch in a heartbeat so i dont know. Penises scare me  Can you count to one million?yes and i have aloud before (Thanks OCD!!)Brunette or Blonde?REDHEAD BITCHES Favourite month?April bc my Birthday! the one day it feels like i might matterTea or Coffee?Chai Tea Latte!!148. What’s your favourite quote?“The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” - Audrey Hepburn