#it's far too late for me (i've been falling asleep like 2 hours earlier than 11:30 lately) so i really cant process any sort of additional

[triglycercule]

what do the murder time trio turn into after they die??? well you know me. i totally have this figured out (smug emoji) (no i dont) ANYWAYS i definitely dont think that dust would dust away normally while horror bleeds out when he dies and killer melts away into a pile of nasty dt,,,,, IM LYING I DO. dust would dust away because he doesnt really have any body modifications that would result in anything special. horror bleeds out because its a horrortale monster staple to have more physical-ish forms because of their diet (horror doesnt,,, HAVE a diet so let's just say he bleeds AND dusts away) killer i feel is,,,,, incredibly obvious,,,,, like monsters with dt do i think he'd go all melty and goopy and thats how he dies! in a pile of himself,,,,ewuaghhhhh its STICKY 😞 AND incredibly corrosive???? UASGAHSGSUAH (my hand disintegrates)

[murder-cookie-dust393]

Can we get some more Creme Brulee Cookie content, that cookie's a power house in my team- I was thinking since there were hints about him and Linzer Cookie being in a past relationship, what if y/n Cookie did like CB but didn't pursue him bc of his history with Linzer?

I have requests from late December, how embarrassing. I'm such a bad writer for not feeding you guys for like 3 months-

Old Photos

Tw: murder

You dejectedly sigh as you stare at the ceiling of your room. Thoughts filling your mind: negative ones. You didn't like the thought of Linzer with Crème Brûlée. But who were you to interfere? She was clearly more valuable to him than you ever could be. Even if you were his biggest supporter.

But it still hurt. You wanted to be with him. Cheer him on for his performances; ensure he was well cared for. Sure you could do so as his friend. But you wanted to be much more than friends.

You didn't have the place to interfere. You shouldn't interfere. It's wrong.

Those sentences repeated in your head as you lay on your bed. You wanted sleep to overcome you, but your mind seemed unwilling to let go though. You needed to move on. There was no point in clinging to a future that wasn't even possible.

Until you hear a distant knock, from your front door. You turn your head in the direction of the hallway, before slowly rising from your bed and walking out the door. You glance at the living room clock: 2:43 AM. Who would be knocking on the door at this hour?

You saunter to the door, looking through the glass. Your eyes widen slightly: it's Crème Brûlée. What was he doing here? You open the door, and immediately you're encased in a hug far too tight.

...Was your desperate mind imagining his embrace? Oh, how pathetic you are.

"Crème Brûlée? What are you doing here?" You utter, your voice scratchy from not getting out of bed for the last 3 hours. Why was he holding you so harshly? Did something happen?

"I love you. I swear, I can't believe you looked at my photos from three years ago." He bluntly states, his tone almost seemed as if he was offended. His hair brushes against your cheek as he buries his head into your shoulder.

"What?" You blink. Absolutely frozen. Did your mind just manifest your biggest wish in front of your face?

The door is still open, the cold breeze freezing your body only in sleeping clothes. He speaks once more, now his tone less brash and more soft, "Darling. My darling. Linzer is hardly a thought in my mind now. I've realized you are much better suited for me." His head nuzzles your shoulder, holding you against him.

"Wait. Wait. Does that mean..." You trail off, not having the confidence to even say it. It's impossible. Your life had never gone right when it came to love, so why would it go right at this moment?

"I love you. I've loved you for the last 3 years. Now stop hiding from me." He nudged you over the couch, not giving you a moment before coddling you. He should become a koala at this point.

You wanted to say more. It doesn't matter though. You were too ecstatic to even begin forming words. Finally, your mind calms and you fall asleep: exhaustion taking over. He was warm. Like you imagined him to be.

An hour passes by, before a sudden grin forms on the usually quiet Crème Brûlée. He caresses your head gingerly, loving the feel of you in his grasp.

"Finally, you've come to realize. I should have killed that terrible Linzer earlier, otherwise, we would have been happier earlier. No matter, we can be where we were supposed to be...together." He closes his eyes too as he continues to snuggle you.

You were too blinded by your love to notice why Linzer never was over at his house since three years ago.

——————————————————

Wow! I got this one done in one sitting. I'm so proud of myself. Usually, it takes multiple sittings to do requests. My attention span is non-existent.

- Celina

[mortallyandrogynoussheep]

1/100 days of getting my life back together

Wednesday, July 3, 2024

So I decided to try to do a thing for the first time ever since forever - try to start having a blog(?) again, because, well, the brain rot is real. I've deleted twitter for now to give my brain some rest, because a lot of things were stressing me out.

My life has been a real mess the last few months and I really need to get my shit back together. This semester was the biggest flop so far (which is not to say that much - it's only a second one, but still) and I'm really upset about it.

I've come off one of my meds, that were making me insanely sleepy whenever I tried to focus (still have no idea whether that was a real thing or no, but they either way were not doing anything for me), got back on antidepressants, that are a-okay to me, at least side effects wise, and I was hoping that NOW I will be so much better at school. It got so much worse.

Not my room, but the vibes sum everything up quite perfectly. Everything feels insanely hard to do. I feel like a failure. I'm stressed and lost, but we persevere to the best of our abilities.

Anyway, I am writing this post one day after the 3rd of July, because I figured I should start somewhere, and despite wanting to have the first entry be as perfect as I want to become later, I figured that I have already tried that approach earlier, and it always falls off. Maybe it's better to start bad, slowly trying to build up all the habits and changes.

After all it is 100 days of trying to get my life together, not 100 days of describing my life being together.

Anyway, on 3rd of July I wanted to do some document related work and do some job applications, but because of fucking up my sleep schedule days prior to finish an assignment (which I got 100% for, insanely), I could not resist falling asleep in the day and then waking up late in the evening. That then scaled to 4th of July night, when I could not fall asleep again until 4 am, and the cycle repeated again.

So, yeah. T'was a flop. I didn't do anything good or productive for studying. The only thing I managed to accomplish was tidying up the place a little, but not the dishes. Luckily, my boyfriend helped me with that. It feels so much better to be able to work as a team on tasks that feel this big and unbearable.

2/100 days of getting my life back together

Thursday, July 4, 2024

It is currently 13:44 as I am writing this. Woke up (or more so, thankfully, got woken up by my boyfriend) by about 12:30. Still feel very poopy, but in today's plans are to do some studying for the first out of my two exams, and maybe a little bit for the second one.

DB 2

DB 3

SE2

dishes

DB 4

Probably will keep editing this post for any relevant updates that are not shitposts.

15:08 - 16:02 finished the db2 and 3 bits, 3rd one was way shorter than I expected. it turned out that I already had a set of flashcards on quizzlet there on it, so that was a win. originally was planning to study for one hour, but then finished 6 mins earlier, because my brain was fried and finished the dishes on my break. now back to studying

16:17 - 18:01 finished working on the SE2, but the lecture was kinda short and won't be that important at the exam, so I can't say I studied it properly. i will put more thought into it later (maybe), but not for now, since my ass is BURNING from the heat of upcoming deadline for the exams and there are more complex things i need to learn. started working on DB 4, which was an addition on initially planned to-do list. a little more than 1.5 hours of trying to understand the lecture made my brain feel GONE. i started to feel very irritated at the end, so im gonna be taking a break.

18:36 - 19:52 some minecraft break for mindlessly and quietly doing some things around our base. cleaned up the ground for where i want to build our house, transferred some stuff and organized it in a new chests system. the project will take A LOT of time so yuh. did i spend too much time on it? yes. will i do it again? also yes, probably. then we ate some dinner and now im comming back to some studying and note taking.

21:09 - 22:22

did some more note taking on DB4, not finished with it yet, but I think I'll call it a day for today. I'll probably play some more Minecraft before sleep and reread my notes and flashcards too. overall I feel still kind of unsatisfied with the day and its' results, I think mostly because of this is 1.5 hour game break, but it is what it is for now. overall I guess I did do some stuff done today, so it's still a win, right?

[articulatedbyleilani]

The man on my birth certificate.

Mother and son relationships are important. Mother and daughter relationships are important. Father and son relationships are important. Father and daughter relationships are important.

I thank god that between the both of my parents, I have a mother who understands me, unconditionally loves me and has never judged me.

Going back to the man on my birth certificate that I should be calling my dad - that relationship was very different. Like I said before, There was never any getting to know me, no words of affirmation, no bonding, no patience. I was living with a stranger who’s name was on my birth certificate.

Mental abuse from your direct parent hits different. Day after day, week after week I allowed him to constantly put me down to the point where I would question my entire existence. I would be mute and let it go in one ear and out the other, but he sounded like a broken record and one day all he would say would stick with me.

I always thought about what I ever did wrong - all I could think of was what he would point out. I would wake up later than I should've for school. I would fall asleep with my laptop on, I would come home 5-10 minutes past curfew. He hated that I showered too long. He didn't like my friends from school, even though he chose the school. He would hate when I asked him for a ride to school that was 7 minutes away, he'd get so upset and yell at me because he'd rather I woke up 2 hours earlier and rode the bus. He would yell at me for having a C- in biology even though I had A's in the rest of my classes. He accused me of smoking weed and drinking, I did neither. I couldn't fault him if I missed school rather than sleeping in too long all the time. I couldn't fault him if I fell asleep with all the lights on through out the night instead of just my laptop. I couldn't fault him if I was always coming home 30 minutes to an hour late all the time. I couldn't fault him if I allowed my friends to be a bad influence on me but I didn't. I couldn't fault him if my school was 30 minutes away but it wasn't. I couldn't fault him if I was falling all my classes but I was far from failing. I could've faulted him if I was smoking weed and drinking at 15 and 16 years old, but I never did.

I wouldn't say or do anything but cry during these times, because he made me feel like he hated my existence. He made me feel like my breathing was wrong. He made me feel like I was worth nothing or as if anything I did was never good enough.

When I knew it was impossible to accepted by him, I let go of the thought of feeling bad for the things I knew would hurt him if I said it out loud. One day I couldn't take it anymore, and all I said to him was this one sentence, verbatim. I remember it because I said it in my head 10 times a day 3 days straight thinking of what to say -

"I don't think you realize you never deserved a relationship with me as your daughter. You left my mom with 3 kids under 5 because you felt better going after somebody who had no baggage, when you were the baggage and gave my mom baggage. I call you my dad because you're on my birth certificate, but that's a title you don't deserve. I don't know a dad that can walk away from a family created and disown all responsibilities of. I can't respect you, I probably never will, but because I have a good heart, I wanted to give you a second chance because people can change and people can grow to be better. I've done nothing to you besides be a teenager, and I've been a good teenage compared to other teens I know, you'll never have the chance to appreciate that again."

Verbatim.

His response: "You think you can do it on your own, watch how fast you fail. You're never going to make it in life, you'll probably end up being a stripper and doing drugs. Good luck Lani."

That same night I was out, I slept at a park behind a wall. I was so confident in his lack of being a parent that I didn't even expect him to say sorry, to nurture me, to be a father to me, to try and find me. And he proved me right.

We didn't talk for 3 years straight. On the day of my 18th birthday, it happened to be my graduation day. My school was 7 minutes away from his house. He didn't show up, he didn't call, he didn't text. My friend at the time had a dad who worked with mine and her dad texted my dad asking if he was coming and his response was "I'm not going to go, I have to go to bed. Take care of her."

When they announced my name, I cried so hard because all I could remember was my dad telling me I couldn't achieve anything in life.

In a way, I thank him for this, because it sticks with me daily and gives me so much motivation.

Now that I'm older, I can give him his flowers in silence from a distance because I can say he truly gives my two younger sisters the life any girl would want.

[that-wildwolf]

Fluffuary day 2: long conversations

There are some benefits to having insomnia when your partner also has insomnia, Garrus thought to himself as he waited for the water in the kettle to reach that one-hundred-degree boiling point. For example, silently thrashing about trying to fall asleep so as not to wake your partner up didn't make sense when they were already awake. And also thrashing about trying to fall asleep.

Another nice benefit of their compatible (virtually non-existent) sleep schedules was they got to stay up all night together. Up until now, whenever Garrus found himself awake at night, he'd had to find some way to bide the time on his own. Now, he had a companion in those long hours he spent waiting for sleep to come. It was... nice, actually.

Garrus poured hot water over the tiny bag of crushed leaves in Shepard's mug. (In his personal opinion, human food was extremely strange, but he wasn't going to comment on that. Not aloud at least.)

"Here's your tea," he said after getting back to her cabin without spilling the hot liquid onto himself.

"Oh, lovely," Shepard immediately reached for it. She rewarded him with the warmest smile anyone could muster at 3 AM. "Thanks."

They'd been staying up all night talking for a while now, almost every night. At first, it had been just pillow talk, but with time they'd slowly discovered just how well their insomnias aligned, and then one thing led to another and now she had a sleeplessness buddy. Which was a perfect setup, actually — because spending time with Garrus was just about as comfortable as it could get. Talking to him was easy. Sitting with him in silence came effortlessly. He understood and shared her need to get a late-night snack. He didn't mind her stupid jokes, and his equally dark sense of humour combined with his sharp wit made for conversations that were always fast-paced and riddled with unnecessary jokes that they both cherished, of course. Shepard hadn't been bored ever since they'd started doing this together. They were clicking on just about every level — which of course only made her kick herself for not sleeping with him earlier. If only she'd known that was all it took to get this perfect, perfect relationship.

"Have I ever told you about that time..." Garrus had his hand on her nape, his thumb absently rubbing circles on her cheek. "... when you saved my life?"

"Hm. You'll have to be a lot more specific than that," she chuckled.

"Fair enough." He clicked his mandibles as he barely bit back a laugh. "Omega."

"Yeah, I've heard that story. Believe it or not, I was there."

"Yeah?" Garrus gently stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. "That was the first moment I knew you loved me."

She raised an eyebrow. "I really doubt that. I didn't even know it at the time."

"You didn't see it from the other side." Garrus laughed. "Come on, it was so obvious. You were all terrified I was going to die and holding me in your arms like that... And were those tears I saw, Commander?"

"I did not cry over you." She rolled her eyes. "You wish."

He shrugged.

"I did."

Shepard nearly spat out her tea.

"You cried over me?! That's so cute."

"I mean, there was maybe one little tear."

"Sure there was."

"Oh, I hate you." Garrus pretended to be offended. When Shepard rested her head on his chest, his growl steadily turned into something more like a purr. "Fine, I love you. There. You win."

She sipped her tea, trying to hide a smirk that was far too smug in Garrus's opinion.

"I always win," she said softly.

He sighed.

"You always win."

[allsystemsarenotgo]

“The Novel”

I've been needing to talk to somebody about something. Last night, somebody I don't talk to very often anymore was willing to give up some sleep to talk to me.

I gave them the abridged version. I knew they needed sleep and didn't have time for a novel.

.

.

.

Here is "The Novel".

---

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you've never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, ... At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life.....

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

I was an opinionated ass in high school that knew better but did the things anyways because I had nothing to really lose. Except I did lose alot of pride along the way.

I didn't like many things, and I didn't understand the decisions of many people. There are days that I wish I was still friends with people that I alienated or that alienated me because I didn't believe in drinking alcohol or having kids before college, or at a young age at all.

There are alot of days that I wonder....will I have to be find a lady 8-10 years younger than myself to love me for who I am...and potentially make them have kids at a young age so I'm not the age of their peers' grandpa's when they graduate?

^ That image was me in high school.

I never dated in high school. I courted and got shot down a ...couple... times. I didn't go to parties, I wasn't a part of the cool kids' clique. I didn't really....do anything high-schooley in high school.

And it got me bullied. My eccentricities made me well known. I was generally outspoken and firm on what I believed (no sex, no alcohol, scientifically agnostic) and...it basically made me live in infamy. It got me bullied alot. I was called gay and queer alot. And it wasn't just from 1 or 2 or 5 people.

I had 3 crushes in high school. Two were a grade younger than I.

The first I asked out my Sophomore year. We talked alot, sat next to eachother, did classwork together. We were both above-average students, so the teacher us let us do what we wanted while she dealt with the rest of the class.

That was really what entered me into the downward spiral of depression. I'd never asked a girl out before, much less been shot down. It took me a long time to get over that.

The second I asked out my junior year. We didn't have any classes together, but I had worked my way into her family via a mutual friend. I felt like we knew eachother fairly well.

Getting shot down by her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But given the nature of high school, the backlash of her friends and friends-of-friends, and probably half the school altogether...that is what hurt. It showed the true colors of many whom were already primadonna status, approaching it, or (falsely) thought they had it. She did apologize to me after a period of time, and ultimately, she probably made the better decision.

I never asked my third crush out. After being shot down twice in two years, I didn't want it to be three for three. I worked with her, and we got along awesome. Maybe not asking her was a fatal flaw in my life. I will never know. We have stayed friends over the years despite not seeing eachother until earlier this summer. I met up with her twice, and both times wrenched my emotions. I've since found out she is actually taken, which shot down my chance of ever knowing the true answer.

Then I finally went to college.

I went from a school of 450 kids in a town of 360 people to a dorm of 500+ kids in a college of 10,000+.

But I did not change with the scenery. I was still outspoken.

Neither of my roommates liked it.

Neither of my roommates liked me.

I was outspoken enough to write a persuasive essay on Abstinence for my college English class. I didn't see the problem.

Until the Prof said we had to read them aloud, after she had graded them.

Then I panicked. I crashed and I burned.

I felt so....little and insecure.

I wasn't one to force my thoughts on people. Yet, I just had.

Do you know how bad that feels inside?

Pretty damn bad.

One day, I got a message from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking. In the end, she admitted she had a crush on me through high school and asked if we could give it a try. I was 1.5-2 hours away from home.

It was a hard juggle, but we made it work as best as somebody that'd never had a GF before much less a LDR could.

After a few months of LD dating and the start of my second year of college, a topic came up that would change the rest of my life mentally.

And something clicked in my head.

- What if this girl was 'the one'?

- What if something happened. Would I want to die a virgin?

- What if this doesn't work out. I'll always be the inexperienced one?

That last one hit me hard. There was no way around the fact. And for what I knew, I knew that being the lesser experienced would likely never be a good thing.

(10 years later, a friend put it perfectly....)

I convinced myself to break something that I had let run my life for the previous 10+ years.

I think it's safe to say that very few peoples' first time is "great". But it's a learning experience.

-learn-

-learn-

-learn-

Then we broke up after 9 months.

We rarely saw eachother, it couldn't be that difficult to get over right?

Wrong.

-sulk-

-lonely-

-stressed-

-imbalanced-

And...

-addicted-

I was broken. The fire inside of me had been lit, and nothing was putting it out.

I had a raging wildfire spreading within me within a few short weeks, and no way to control it.

I had just started a job at the school newspaper, running the website. I shared an office with the two graphic design artists. We were getting along pretty well and it was fairly evident that both of them were really relaxed and loose about what they wanted to talk about. I was the reserved one, sitting at my desk, listening with minimal contribution.

Until one day, I finally had the courage to chime in to their conversations. It didn't take much longer before I was in my second relationship.

I learned alot of new and different things during that 2.5 year relationship.

Example: telling her father about my shellfish allergy. It was good because he cooked alot of it. It was because he knew my weakness and made no secret that some things would easily justify using it against me.

I learned to get over my fear of public image. I was dating a woman almost twice my weight. When we first started...dating...I was petrified to be seen with/around her much less hold her hand. Over time that phobia subsided.

I learned that addiction comes in many forms. I spent many nights at her apartment, sometimes I went home and sometimes I didn't. Spending 4 hours a day with her at work and another 4-12 hours with her at her apartment...it got to the point that I missed her when I was away from her. I missed having her company, and I missed cuddling.

I learned that I'm very much a physical contact person. After all those years of being an only, lonely child...I wanted to give and receive physical touch.

She would print off a piece of artwork, I would lay on my stomach on her bed, and she would trace the outline onto my back, then start filling it in. That's usually when I would fall asleep. She would keep drawing as I slept, and eventually I would wake up.

As long as we were touching, I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on her, sometimes she would lay on me, sometimes we'd be side by side with a leg on the other.

I learned that calculated risks are worth calculating to the limit. And that mis-calculating is not fun.

I learned that parents are smart and figure out almost everything.

There was only one real issue and one hybrid issue with the relationship.

Both of us were mentally strained. I could not speak my emotions or feelings. I couldn't handle the 'adulting' conversations regarding the future. I couldn't explain when I was sad, mad, upset, or anxious in voice, only text. I couldn't "use my words". When scolded, I just wanted to ball up in a corner and cry. At the same time, both of our academics were on a downward spiral of death. She ended up dropping out completely and going back to junior college, I ended up changing majors twice and barely escaping with any pride left at all and a very expensive piece of paper that said "Bachelor of Science in Miscellaneous Bullshit". Okay, University Studies...but same thing.

The relationship had evolved far beyond what it had originally been intended to be.

It was supposed to be more of a cover-up for a FWB situation than an actual relationship. But we caught some sort of feelings, and....

.

.

I've been single since then.

It took a few years, but we still talk to eachother and are still friends.

But I miss the cuddles.

I miss the touching.

I miss being relaxed and falling asleep while being drawn on.

I miss...alot of things.

I had a few more crushes develop during college. Some I let go, some I got turned down on. At least none of them laughed at me. 

One of the ones that I let go...I reconnected with a couple months ago. I was going to ask her out...and I kinda did...only to find out that she was secretly in a relationship that hadn’t gone public yet. That was a pretty good kick to the twig and berries, knowing that I was just too late to the party. 

Once I learned about High Functioning Autism, alot of things made sense. I slowly learned better coping mechanisms. I learned to do more "normal" things like making eye contact.

My senior year of college, I met an awesome lady in my coding class. We got along great. She helped crack my shell. We went on walks, we played basketball, we played on pool tables, we played soccer. We sat on balconies and talked. We kind of...had a thing going. She was my only friend to attend my college graduation. We even took a picture together in my cap and gown (which I have tried many times to find. I'm guessing it was deleted....see below).

But we didn't. I wasn't allowed to hug her much less kiss her, even on the forehead (I wanted to...many times). I was barely allowed to hold her hand.

I got shot down. I felt like I was in a plane that was missing a wing and didn't have an ejection seat.

I plummeted into the ground and crashed and burned.

We stopped talking after that.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I could say that about many friends that I have lost over the years.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

That was 5 or 6 years ago. I honestly don't remember anymore.

That's how long I have been lonely.

That's how long it has been since I went on a date.

That's how long I have not been able to have an unweighted conversation.

Sure, I have seen my second ex a time or three. But it's not the same. That's not a date. That's not something to lead to the future.

I have a two best friends that I can talk about almost anything with. But I never see them. One lives two states away, the other lives several hours away (any other state besides Texas, and they'd be in another state).

They help. They give me a method to vent. But I am afraid of losing them.

I have lost 3 best friends in my life already.

One cut me out of their life as a birthday present to me after 4 or 5 years, my freshman year in the dorm.

One cut me out of their life after many conflicts over 7 years. We never met in person.

One cut me out of their life after I became a burden to them. We saw eachother on a regular basis, I even stayed at their house once after they tried to break my shell and I (mentally) collapsed into a puddle of goo. They also hurt me once by calling the police for a welfare check, and my parents got involved.

Of the two best friends I have managed to keep, the closer of the two has issues in their own life going on right now. I feel guilty and sad for even talking to them...they have asked that I limit interaction while they try to straighten out their own world. They have also called the police on my for a welfare check, and got my co-workers involved.

I already had a hard time making friends before. Anymore, it's hard for me to trust anyone at all.

I don't have any friends to go places with.

I'm always working my ass off (working 7 days a week these days, haven't had a real day of rest in months).

Social Anxiety says that I can't go anywhere alone. Plus I don't really trust myself alone, much less in a foreign Environment.

How am I supposed to meet a friend, when I work my ass off 7 days a week? When I don't know what resting is?

How do I elevate a non-existent friend to "More than a friend" status?

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you’ve never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, … At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life…..

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

Sometimes I wish I was Ace.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I am.

Historically, I can be described as a smart, odd, minimally sarcastic ignoramus. But that is only my personality.

Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I just hopeless?

Will I ever find love? Will I ever have kids?

Is there something wrong with me that revolts women away?

Will I have to find a woman 8-10 years younger than myself and cause her to have children at a young age to avoid being the age of their peers' grandparents at graduation? If I find a woman now, we date for 3 years, engaged for 1, married for 3, then have a kid...I'll be 37 when they are born and 55 when they graduate high school.

We're the bullies in high school right all this time? I don't want them to be. But what if they are? Or am I just that broken inside?

The things that I like/enjoy...they scare me a little. And that's coming from me. For years I have said I was a sapiosexual (turned on by intelligence rather than personality or looks)...but it never occurred to me, what if the gender lines do not in-fact exist? What if....

These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

These are the questions that feed my depression.

These are the scenarios that feed my anxiety, my trust issues, my loneliness.

These are the reasons that, more than anything....I will never turn down a hug.

Because a hug means you love and care about me.

And I need that reassurance.

But it feels good on the inside, too.