#it's currently 3:40am and i need to vent if i want to get any sleep at all lol

[sherlock-is-ace]

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[kart0]

meds update plus vent

I think if you follow me and read these you can probably tell that I use my Tumblr account as a diary to vent and post art, it's literally the one social media I DONT use bc I don't know how it works and most people don't see these anyways

so I'll keep updating about how I feel and stuff

today is day 3 on antidepressants.

first day was rough, I definitely had a mental breakdown but I am pretty sure it wasn't the meds. I felt a bit dizzy at dinner tho

second day I felt super dizzy, and I didn't eat much, I think it makes me lose my appetite. but I was able to finish the two uni projects I had to submit on the day. I felt very productive. whether this was the meds or not, I don't know. probably it's the placebo effect.

third day, I feel very tired. yet, I am on my period and we travelled to meet family members ( it was very good to see them again, they're mostly elder aunties, and we didn't see them bc of the pandemic ) but I got a headache that didn't really stop and I took a pill. I'm still having this headache, it's a dull, sorta there but not incapacitating. So, I'm feeling very tired, but still, who knows if it's bc of the antidepressants. it's been a hectic day either way. I feel my body buzzing though, and time is weird. but ! I know it can take one to two weeks for the antidepressants start working, so I think I'm just really exhausted from life basically. the mental breakdown I had on the first day really REALLY took a toll on me

I'm currently trying to sleep earlier and wake up in the morning so I can take my meds. it's currently 1:40AM but it's way better than before. I was usually sleeping at 3-4AM. On the first night I went to sleep at 3:00AM, on the second night I was able to sleep at 2:30AM, and now, it's 1:41AM and I think I'll be able to sleep at 2AM after posting this.

I feel tired, and tomorrow ( today ) we have our elections and I feel a bit stressed because of it. and on the upcoming week, it's exam week, and there are a lot of uni projects due as well, so I already know it's probably going to be hard on me. I'm a bit worried that I will get too dizzy to take my exams, and it'll affect my performance. but I guess I can talk to the teachers or something.

I need to open as well commissions, I got into a gacha hole and it was really predatory and, while I didn't get in any financial trouble, it ate up basically all my savings that I kept since I was 12. And I'm still trying really really hard to stop this addiction. Whenever I get the impulse to waste more money I have to pause, breathe deep, look into my sketchbook ( I wrote how much I spent in total, and I wrote goals and promises ) and close the game. It sucks and I feel terrible, for spending and not spending. I know it's of course not worth it, yet the immediate rewards really do kind of brainwash and condition you to keep spending more. So, my goal is to stop spending, get back all the money I spent, maybe selling commissions, but I'm not sure yet but art is the only thing I'm good at. and once I get my money back, I'll lock it. and then, if I do make a profit, then I will use it to treat myself ( rather on games or not ). I'm trying really hard guys, I promise I am

I know it sounds so fucking stupid but I'm actually trying my best. I know it's not enough but I'm trying to be kinder to myself, and to take baby steps. We can't create or stop habits overnight and I really want to get better.

I'll probably keep updates like this: day 3 ( yesterday ), day 5, day 7, day 10, day 15, day 20, day 25, and day 30 ( which then I'll get a new prescription and maybe different meds or different dosages depending on how I feel )

that's all I had to say, pretty big update and a lot of venting.. if you read it til the end, thank you.