#it's crazy how broken and unloving parents can fuck a child up like this I'm fully aware I'm a mess but holy fuck am I really this bad

[dollya-robinprotector]

warning: rant and sad under the cut and in the tags

How ironic it is, when I don't know how to love and be loved, yet I want to see fictional characters fall in love and be charmed by each other for eternity so much I lost my mind over them.

Doesn't it make anybody want to laugh out loud?

[renticat]

I wish but I can't because some people have no luck and yeah some people are just shitty anyway even the person who supposed to love you.

But again what's bare minimum? The standard are so diverse from one person to another

Well for me, bare minimum is like what you need to keep alive, food, clothes, book to write as a child and home without no constant yelling and beating but I guess is already too high and for some it was like the default set up.

This is funny okay I kinda mad because tumblr is not consistent on their font and I really picky on little things but the app is not better either so yeah I SHOULD just keep writing but you know my mind is not that great as it's always been on too much pressure since the beginning.

One one rainy day back then in 2015, I am about to get into my class which I don't remember what lol but I do remember vividly that I am using this white sweater because it's cold but I didn't know that it was gonna rain and I hate it cause it's white and gonna get so much dirt cause ofc it was raining. I cared too much and anxious bout it until my friend realized (well we're not that close but aren't everyone in your class automatically be your friend?)

Saying what happened? Aren't you putting your priority wrong, instead of worrying so much about your sweater you didn't worry about yourself, your body cause you can catch the cold but the sweater is just sweater. Damn, I can't process my thought at that moment cause I was too stunned too speak.

It was because since I was a kid I always raised to be fucking worry about small things, like breaking the glass it could get me so much trouble even when i was just 4yo which is very common but I never really have this kind of thought in my head (to care about myself) but worry about cleanliness bullshit all fucking things that ofc will break one day cause my father just love to be angry at me and calling me stupid and worthless.

Not hiding it anymore but I guess my brain was too fucking broken (and still is but I'm trying to learn better way to approach things and think about another positive point of view) but also it's so hard. It's hard and this friend who point out to me about my crazy worriedness and agitation about my sweater getting dirty instead of me catching the cold kinda open my eyes about the self love itself.aq

It was so fucking strange for people with childhood ptsd like me cause everytime i fell from the bike or my scooter they asked if the scooter is fucking okay and not me, instead they're so angry and saying how could you become so stupid and reckless. See you're truly a destroyer.

And my pain is not coming from why they didn't care about me but overthink about their words like yeah why am i fucking stupid and can't doing fucking things right.

Like this mentality they build up on me, it's cruel and like poison to my body but they wondering why i wanted to check out from this life very soon. I felt so unloved but i didn't have the words for it because i believe i can only got some love when i did sometimes remarkable which also not true because since I was a kid i was like top 3 students on the class (no I actually always be the first) but then they see it as just meh, like it was expected from me cause you don't work and only eat go to school ofc you should have good grade.

Fuck. That's when I remembered now my friend said if I were you my parents would give me anything I asked for. Like gifts. Wow. Like I only get dissatisfaction because they never vocal about love (or maybe they just not proud enough) but ALWAYS LOUD TO POINT OUT MY MISTAKE. the sadder things is they don't treat my sister this way. Because she is younger. Their words when she's only ONE YEAR FUCKING YOUNGER THAN ME. I kid you not. Since I was three ( I already have sharp memory probably because I am an 🐘 lol) I was always just playing with myself as they're busy with my sister and since i got in kindergarten they always saying me to protect her and be a good example when fuck you parents it's your job and she's not even that younger than me.

But I was craving for love and I did that, my best and that's shows from my mark in school also I was very religious even when I was just kid (as kid absorb nonsense quickly also they can't think for themselves just yet) I can read arabic when mostly my peers still struggle and even my sister hate to learn the hijaiyah (the arabic alphabet) and refuse to partake on studying that when I was already so good and can read Quran (cause you know it's step by step learning as they combine every letter and the shape changes) and yeah yada yada yada it's in the past.

I was always too mature for my age and I know I love childish things probably my revenge cause I can't do it those things back then cause I have to be the big sister. Big fucking sister and she even hates me because i guess she think I am being smart pants when if I didn't do that parents hates me for not showing her the fucking right way to life. Fuck.

I iron my uniform bu myself, for some people.is amazing like 4yo know how to do that washing, cleaning up the house, but for me it's just a burden and my sis is never get her hands dirty at all cause it's like only my chores. The resentment building up over years, also my curiosity never stops (thanks for encourage me to read even when I was 4 I was too early to know about rape but I read the newspaper and I understand the world, learning things everyday). It only makes me grow bitter and darker, it robs me joy being a child i told you, this so called truth of life i mean cause child they just read the things they told them to read but I already learn the translation of that (tafseer) and growing so religious to the point i never asked and just believe. Not until I got better in English and read many English books, fiction and non-fiction that now I know philosophy also not everyone is believing the same shit. I mean I aware back then not everyone is believing same things but mostly they're believing the things that handed down to then from their parents. Because if you don't you're the problem and rebel in the family and ofc I don't want that as I still long for love.

But the love is never come and so I got into dark deep shit about ending it all before all my own process thoughts is the one who set me free from all the chains they've been put on me before when I can't even say no cause it's just what everyone does here.

It's the best thing. For them. Not for me

And we can agree to disagree but look at the world rn. They choose war over peace because they cared so much to prove the truth when truth is we should love each everyone the same and trying for the best to help each other and nature so it won't fall apart and more broken day by day.

[master-sass-blast]

Henlo, it's me, your local trash monster here to say I love Hannah and I can't wait to hear more about her?? That being said, GIMME ALL THE SAD GOODS ABOUT HER. But also add in something happy about her in the end! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ ((Also sending hugs! I know things have been stressful the last few days so just know I'm rooting for you !!))

Holy fuck I think this is the first time someone’s ever told me to cut loose and just SAY ALL THE THINGS AND I’M SO EXCITED!!!! :D

(Answers under the cut because I just went with the entire list. I have no self control.

And thank you for the hugs and encouragement!)

1. What is one word to shut them up: Okay, for some context, Hannah is a lawyer. She has a thick skin (unlike me, heyoooo). It takes a lot to shut her up; she’s an HBIC and she owns it.

But if someone starts talking about her scars (she’s struggled/struggles with self-harm), she shuts down. It’s a part of her she’s still self-conscious about, and if someone mentions it she’ll literally stop mid-sentence and mentally exit the conversation.

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about: Again, she’s got a pretty thick skin, so she doesn’t hold onto too much. Life happens, you make mistakes, and it’s better to learn from them rather than beat yourself over the head for something you can’t change anyway.

If there’s something she’s going to feel guilty about, though, it’s fights or incidents she’s had with family members/close friends where she’s hurt them with something she’s said or done. She holds herself in high accountability to ensure that she doesn’t step all over people, and when she does she fails not only them but her expectations for herself, so yeah. Guilt.

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced: Physical pain? Probably different injuries from her career in martial arts. She’s a tough cookie, but some of that stuff just hurts.

Emotional pain? Anytime she fails her expectations for herself. She has very high standards for herself, and when she can’t reach them she becomes very depressed (more so than usual).

4. Describe their worst nightmare: Actual dream? Anything where she’s drowning or running out of air. She almost drowned a couple times as a child/preteen, and the trauma still emerges in her adult life from time to time.

Real life “this is a nightmare” scenario? Any point where her depression gets so bad that she stops being functional. Things just start piling up and get overwhelming very quickly.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear: 1.) Drowning, which runs pretty deep but it’s an obvious one that she’s done a lot of therapy work for, and she doesn’t mind talking about it with other people. 2.) Wasps. She accidentally got locked into a shed with an active wasp nest in it as a child. She made it out alright, but the sheer terror of the situation made her repress the memory. She’s heard the story from friends and family, and “gets” why she’s scared of the fuckers, but can’t actually recall the incident itself. 3.) The dark. A side effect of depression is paranoia, and when she’s alone, in the dark, she can’t shake the feeling that there’s some sort of creature watching/following her. When her depression gets really bad, she has to sleep with a light on to keep from flipping out.

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick: She’s not naturally squeamish, but the sounds of belching (ala college frat boys, y’all know what I mean) make her stomach churn.

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves: Her scars. She’s very ashamed of them, and goes out of her way to wear long sleeved shirts so she can hide them.

8. Do they have anything that triggers them: Feeling like she’s failed her own expectations/expectations others have of her, accidentally inhaling water, the ‘buzzing’ sound bees/wasps make.

9. What is their greatest physical weakness: Her height. She might be a kickass lawyer and an even kick-assier martial artist, but she barely clears five feet.

10. What is their greatest mental weakness: Her struggles with self-hatred. She’s her own worst enemy a lot of the time.

11. Do they have any vices: Not really. Not as far as serious vices go. She’s pretty grounded.

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it: Nope. She knew she wanted to be a lawyer from day one and made sure her record was spotless.

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them: Pride? I think that one comes closest? Again, since she really doesn’t have a vice or a thorn in her side, it’s hard to pick something for her.

I think Pride comes closest because she spirals when she fails to live up to her own expectations, which I think often comes with a bit of ego (at least in my experience with that sort of thing). She’s also got a lot to be proud of (lawyer, martial artist, financially independent), but she’s not a walking ego either?

Idk. This is a weird question, lol.

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… ): Not really. Don’t get me wrong, she can get there, but it takes a lot. She’s very collected (and usually swings the opposite way; she’s more likely to cold shoulder you if she’s mad).

She does threaten to shove her Prada stiletto sideways up Hank Pym’s ass, though. So there’s that.

15. Who do they hate the most: Guys who use her height against her by cornering her into spots while they try to ask her out/talk to her about something. It’s the fastest way to wind up on her shit list.

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior: Herself. She’s her own worst enemy.

17. What sound always gives them a headache: Her coworker Tracey’s text/notification sound. Which is always going off because Tracey’s always talking to someone.

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them: Not really. She’s half Japanese, half ethnic Jew, and a practicing Jew to boot, so she grew up on a pretty broad flavor palette.

She’s tried a bacon cheeseburger once on a dare, though, and she hated it.

19. Do they consider themselves ugly: Not really (outside of her scars). She’s pretty confident in her appearance.

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable: Again, not really. She’s spent a lot of time in therapy, which helps, but she’s always had her feet pretty well on the ground.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety: The prospect of losing. She’s very competitive.

22. Do they have any mental illnesses: Depression.

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped: She’s run into the usual guys that like to try and use her size against her, but they usually wind up worse for wear than she does.

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped: Yes. She’s five feet tall and doesn’t clear 110 lbs. She’s very aware that she’s got “TARGET” written across her back.

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust: Fortunately, no. Most of her close relationships come from communities she knows well (school, work, the temple she attends in LA), so she hasn’t had to deal with too much betrayal.

26. Have they ever been seriously injured: Yes. Even outside of her struggles with self-harm, she’s a martial artist. She’s broken a few bones over the years from that.

27. How many times have they been in the hospital: Five. Three for some pretty drastic self harm incidents, and two from sparring injuries.

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them: Obviously, she has frustrations with asshole guys, racists/anti-Semites, but she cannot stand people who work in organizations that prey on the disenfranchised (ala military recruiters going to schools in impoverished areas to fill their quota because they know how to trick the kids into trying out and all that). It gets her blood boiling fast.

29. Does what they cannot see scare them: Yes. Again, this shows perfectly with her fear of the dark.

30. Have they ever been bullied: Yupp. For her heritage, her beliefs, her mental health struggles, her size... High school sucks.

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues: Yes and no. Again, she’s pretty confident about most things in life, but she does have certain weak points (her scars, living up to her own expectations, her height).

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents: Actually, no! She has a good relationship with both her parents and her extended family!

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well: Not in the drastic sense of things. She’s been through a few break ups, sure, but nothing that was abusive or crazy.

34. Have they ever self harmed: Yes. It’s something she still struggles with as an adult.

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be: Her scars. She’d make them disappear.

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them: She’s pretty well in control of her emotions.

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away: Not really, no.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned: Nope.

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do: Not in any serious sense. Her reputation for toeing the line was too well known for her to be accused of something she didn’t do.

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems: She did as a teenager, but dutiful therapy and self-care has helped her outgrow that habit.

41. Do they get sick often: Nope! She’s pretty healthy.

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life: She’s content, but not complacent.

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts: Yes. Again, she doesn’t like her history with self-harm. If she could erase that, she would.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t: Travel. Her job’s pretty demanding as far as hours go.

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience: Melancholy. No matter what she’s doing, it’s sort of always hanging around her, like a tiny cloud.

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide: Yes. Unfortunately, it’s a side effect of the depression.

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide: A couple of times, when she was teenager.

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill: Outside of self-defense/the defense of others? No.

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through: Being forced to reject her identities as a Jew/person of Japanese heritage. Her families have made it through so much (internment camps, persecution, the Holocaust), and she’d rather die than erase her own identity.

50. Create your own: Alright, I’m gonna put the happy one here so we end on a high note!

She’s a firm believer in the need for “mah” (the Japanese word for “emptiness), or a moment to pause and do nothing. It’s easy to see that reflected in how she practices meditation, follows Shabbat, or takes time each day to simply be.

However, she also believes that the principle of “mah” is what makes her and Luis work so well as a couple. She is the silence to his constant chatter and helps him keep his feet on the ground. Likewise, he keeps her from living inside her head and helps her connect to the world.

They’re just such opposites attract. Ugh, I love them so much!