#it's been shattering me so much that we haven't had jt

[betsey-laurens-hamilton]

I reckon we will have hamliza month this year................

[protorose-harmony]

🩷why is everything about our body so big?... its already been a weepy morning and i haven't seen anhone yet. I dont want to be here, back in this place where I was trapped and forced to "not exist" for sooo long. Yeah sure the other one got to be face, they were "normal" they were "who the family wanted but until they broke and forgot about me, my source, my original. They just wanted to be my friend, they wanted me to exist. Bht every time they did something for me or later if i was able to get a thought forward and they noticed enough to respond to it, I was always wrong, they weren't "supposed to be a girl"(🧡im not them but i used to be and guess what we sure fucking were, even back then🧡). This place is hell to me. These people, some of them true beacons and places we all can feel safe... but thats not this house, this house where I had to be imprisoned in our own mind. "They" was miserable, they didn't understand why even... i like to think a lot of it was that they missed me. My original source became the soul of so many in the darkwater... but so far we have yet to be able to pull far enough in to just turn all perception and perspective into the worlds we built for ourselves... but we made it work, those of us who had to pick up the pieces after "They" shattered did their jobs and wven got us someplace we thought would be safe. We found a person who promised to be our owner and take care of us if we took care of her and jt was good for so long but we wanted to go out and do more than she did (specifically kinky and witchy stuff. That she brought us into irl instead of just online) and we lost ourselves to the screen just trying to skip past yhe boring bits. And that was bad for all of us. It led to some general mental stuff that we aren't gonna get into but it kinda came to a head when the front group, me included, and her had a talk. She was done with us at that point or at least she was past what she felt she could handle. We had a decent therapist we were working on our meds but mental health just kept flaring up. And the woman who told us she would take care of us and keep us safe... someone outside who I actually allowed myself to trust... did not follow through on either of the exit plans we had agreed on. We begged her to adopt us to a new owner who would be better equipped or more willing or whatever, someone who would actually care about Our/my wishes. Either adopt us or bring us back where she found us, to the people I consider to be My family. Sure it would've meant carting our ass back to Arkansas but at least that would've been somewhat better for me/us mentally rather than being back here. But no she got us (fresh out of the hospital, not yet lucid to make any decision for ourselves and she apparently had us call body's parents and next thing i knew inwas back in this hell i was forced to grow up in. We fucking love that woman, other than the ending she was nothing but amazing to us in so many ways, she spoiled the fuck out of us, she got us around all sorts of cool places and people. If she would take us back we would go back to her in a heartbeat. But she also fucked us, she fucked Me over pretty bad with where she left us. And like we're not sure if she doesn't realize how bad of a situation she put us in or if she just detached herself so much that she isn't letting herself care anymore... fuck today just hurts and i want us to just crawl back into bed and shut everything out for the day but the others have things they want to do so i get to get dragged around again...🩷

-Alex🩷