#it's badly drawn ik but i just wanted to get it out of my head

[thefallenangel2008]

Haha, so, I like making crossovers with my hyperfixations, so what if THIS happened???

[letters-of-libertas]

Handling relationships with women (tldr here) generally is a topic/question I've seen float around a lot in single childfree women spaces and if I'm being real as a single childfree woman if you're serious about committing to this; your circle of deep quality friends will be so small it'll practically be a dot because in a maIe supemacist society so much of female bonding relies on things that would center maIes (& uphold misogyny) so when you dont do these things of course you'll find yourself at odds with making good connections with women especially as so many women center maIes.

There will be a degree of being alone as a single childfree woman. Personally this doesn't bother me as I'm not someone who makes or want a lot of friends anyways; the ones I have in my life are amazing but I'm not a very social person or trust people. On the note on trust I'll add this comment I saw on the female separatist sub on reddit. I think it hits the nail on the head regarding female friendships generally.

Practically speaking, keep maIe centric women, women that ascribe to libfem politics, maIe partnering women etc at arms length distance. You can have good or decent relations with them & keep conversations on non-maIe or non-political things. Even if they circle conversations back to these things, try and take it away again but if it gets too much this is where boundaries come in and you can express that you dont feel comfortable talking about those topics or just walk away from the conversation & talk to them another time, no need to get into why beyond stating you're not comfortable talking about it. I have a couple friends who have boyfriends & they're generally cool. One of them whenever we'd hang out she'd ask how my love life is going (& my answer is always the same - there is no love life) & ik it's a general topic for people but eventually I told her I dont like talking about it & she was cool with it. If your friends rock with you they'll respect your boundaries.

One thing about friendships in real life is that they aren't like the movies where you get a gang of friends or a special friend where you just click & go through the ups + downs of life together. Finding quality relationships is hard especially as a marginalised person. I've realised you dont have to be close with people. It's okay to be an acquaintance or for people to have their roles & purpose.

So when it comes to dealing with maIe centric women generally that are your friends or that you've got a soft spot for, dont get too close to them, dont expect much from them but you in turn dont give too much to them. Keep them at arms length distance - this is important as some of these women can eventually screw you over badly. Be friendly acquaintances with them.

Btw even if you were gender conforming & did everything expected from women it'd still be hard to make friendships with other women given how toxic women can be towards each other, also eventually they'd prioritise maIes over you regardless but just use you in the end.

A while ago I spoke about how I believe this is a lifestyle that chooses you & while you dont have to be a recluse hermit it's not uncommon that women who tend to be introverted & keep to themselves are drawn to this lifestyle. There's less external influence from the maIe-centric world at large making it easier to prioritise yourself and build life beyond romance & reproduction.

[whumpmatsus]

So you can, nice.

I been wandering if you could write something about a painful love triangle between iromatsu and a new neighbor they have met and become Friends with.

She is like the epic older sister type, but with some depression and emptiness. Best if her name was Irusu. She likes to pet the sextuplets.

ichimatsu happen to fall for her thinking she is similar to him and karamatsu falling for her strong personality thinking it was beautiful.

however when karamatsu realized that ichi love her too and saw how close they are. he had a emotional battle with himself not knowing if he should choose his happiness or his brother's, in the end he chose what he thought is the best for them all and immediately give up on her and start avoiding her not knowing that the girl actually have a crush on him (lot of details, ik)

eventually the girl got hurt from Karamatsu action and blamed her foolish messed up self.

Ichimatsu who know the girl's feelings get into a fight with karamatsu and they got injured both physically and emotionally.

I don't know about the ending tho, you can write whatever you want I'm only here to give pain to my heart.

It's a bit long so take your time and don't overdo it pls, love ya💙

ahahaha sorry, was the request "yo girl how much emotional Iromatsu shit can you fit into less than 3000 words?"

... the answer is literally all of it

this was fun, Iromatsu fighting hurts my heart but also I love it, that angst is delicious :D

I made the ending vague in order both to let people imagine their own ending AND to set up for a possible sequel if anybody wants one!

love ya too, I hope this is good for you *fingerguns*

-

For the first time in a long time, Akatsuka Ward has a new resident.

For the first time in an even longer time, she’s been hanging around the Matsuno sextuplets as if they’re her only friends.

As far as anyone else knows, that might be the truth. No one ever sees her with anyone else aside from the times she happens to work, and the brothers all seem incredibly fond of her, so there’s really no reason to find anyone else when she has six new friends.

Irusu is maybe a strange kind of young lady, but no stranger than the rest of Akatsuka’s inhabitants, to be fair. Around the sextuplets, she doesn’t really rest in making sure they’re all taken care of and happy.

She accompanies Osomatsu to the pachinko parlor, often putting her own money into the machines so he can play. She sits next to Karamatsu on the roof, listening to him play guitar and singing along. She collects magazine articles about idols and proudly sets them into Choromatsu’s hands when she comes over. She brings over food for Ichimatsu’s cats, giving little kissy noises as she feeds them. She always offers to play baseball with Jyushimatsu, even though it always leads to exhaustion later. She displays an incredible willingness to star in selfies with Totty and makes him laugh with silly poses.

And if she’s not doing any of those things, she’s got one of their heads in her lap, stroking through their hair. More than one fight has broken out over who gets to be petted the most on any given day.

All in all, they love having her around. It’s been so long since any of them had a real friend outside the family who treated them so kindly.

Is it really any wonder at least one of them ended up falling head over heels for her?

… Actually, is it really any wonder two of them did?

Neither of them is sure who fell first, though they’re not sure it really matters since they can’t really call ‘dibs’ on a person. All they know is that Ichimatsu is drawn to the similarities between himself and Irusu, sensing a kind of heavy-weighing sadness and darkness inside her that’s not unlike his own… and that Karamatsu is pulled in by her strength and kindness, in awe of someone who can be so brave even when she’s suffering herself.

For the month or so after Karamatsu became aware of his little brother’s feelings, he’s been wrestling with his own heart. What kind of horrible older brother would he be if he stole the affections of someone Ichimatsu’s heart is also pining after? Can he even set aside his own selfish emotions when he’s never quite felt like this for someone before?

The whole thing is just awful. Often as brothers they would playfully fight over Totoko, and yet this is… different. This isn’t Totoko. It’s Irusu. It’s someone that one of them might actually have a shot with.

What is he supposed to do? For once in his life, he wants to step up and have a chance, to not immediately give in to his generosity and wanting his little brother to be happy. He wants to be happy. It’s a shame that he does want Ichimatsu to be happy, too. At the very least, he doesn’t want his happiness to have a hand in Ichimatsu’s pain.

He thinks too long and too hard. Every cheesy romantic line that he aims at Irusu and every time she smiles at him ― it’s getting more difficult to take. Every time she caresses his head. Every hug they share.

Every time he notices Ichimatsu tense up whenever Karamatsu flirts with Irusu. Every time Ichimatsu clenches his fists when she’s charmed by something Karamatsu does or says. Every time he looks angry and insecure when she calls him ‘Irusu boy’ and proclaims herself ‘Karamatsu girl’, even if it’s probably just a joke.

Those are the things he thinks he notices more than any of Irusu’s reactions.

He wants so much to be selfish, to not care how his brother feels. The unfortunate truth is that he does. More than anything, he loves all of his brothers, Ichimatsu included. If something he does is going to hurt one of them, then he doesn’t want to do it.

So last night, he did something that he didn’t truly want to do. As Irusu was leaving, he kissed her hand and told her, in a rather solemn tone devoid of his usual theatrics, “Ichimatsu would probably like it if you asked him out.”

With that, he felt like things were in place. He would keep his distance from her, Ichimatsu would get a chance to be happy with her, and… Karamatsu was sure he would find someone else eventually. The biggest problem was that in order for it not to be so painful for him, he would have to try to avoid Irusu as much as possible.

No more hugs. No more being petted. No more pretty smiles in his direction.

It’s only been a few days of it by this point. However, it’s not easy. Even though he thinks this is the best thing, that he’ll stop craving her attention at some point, right now he still wants it. Losing the closeness they’ve all become used to is one of the worst things he can think of, and it’s happening, and he’s so sure it’s the right thing…

It just sucks that the right thing can hurt so badly.

At least his little brother will have a shot at happiness.

-

Ichimatsu, on the other hand, is pissed.

He’s sure he must have been this angry at some other point in his life, although he can’t really remember this kind of fury burning him up from the inside. It’s probably been a while since he felt anything other than a boiling of annoyance.

He has a hard time with Karamatsu, that much is for sure, but he knows Karamatsu well enough. The man is a goody-goody, or at least he pretends to be, so he’d never do something like, say, step on Ichimatsu’s toes over a girl they both like. That much is certain.

Except the issue with backing off is that in the process, he’s managed to lodge a big, painful arrow in Irusu’s feelings. That is something Ichimatsu can’t just ignore or let slide.

Why would he do this, anyway? If he was going to let Ichimatsu have a chance with her, fine… how come he had to just start brushing her off, though? What, does he think he can’t even be friends with her in order to let Ichimatsu shoot his shot? The hell is wrong with that dumbass?

This is where his dangerous nature comes in handy, at the very least. He can’t act too scary around Irusu or he risks her being afraid of him. Karamatsu is another story.

Which is good, because he thinks his big, stupid brother needs a scare to make him realize what the hell he’s doing.

Not only is he taking away Ichimatsu’s chance of winning Irusu’s affection fairly, instead of being the ‘runner-up’ like he’s been his whole life, Karamatsu is also hurting her. She’s talked about this to Ichimatsu, and she thinks that this is somehow her fault.

She thinks she’s too messed up and Karamatsu has just lost interest in her, that she did something which turned him off. The way she buried her face in Ichimatsu’s shoulder, mumbling tearfully that she should have known Karamatsu couldn’t possibly like her the way she liked him, is a memory he thinks is going to be burned in his mind forever.

He’s mad at Karamatsu more than he’s ever been in his life. He thinks he’s doing a nice thing stepping aside and trying to give Ichimatsu a chance, but if it hurts Irusu, he doesn’t want that chance. It matters what she wants more than anything, so if she likes and wants Karamatsu, if it’s putting her in pain to have him treat her dismissively, then Ichimatsu isn’t going to just stand by. He’s gonna do something about it.

Of course, perhaps he could have been a little more composed about it than to simply walk up to Karamatsu and punch him in the face. That said, nobody ever accused Ichimatsu of being subtle.

The hit was hard enough to leave his hand aching, so as soon as it connects, he pulls his fist back and rubs at his knuckles. It hurts, yeah. There’s more important stuff than that right now, though. He stares down at his brother, who’s on the floor trying to recover, and for a long moment, doesn’t do anything except glare.

Karamatsu, meanwhile, is pinching his nose shut in an attempt to stop the bleeding from being punched in the Goddamn face without any warning. To say he wasn’t expecting the blow would be an understatement. Even when he gingerly draws his hand away with a wince, everything still throbs. “Ichimatsu, what the hell was that for?!”

“You’re an ass,” Ichimatsu hisses, taking a step closer. “You think I need your fucking pity, huh? You think the only way Irusu would choose to go out with me is because you gracefully bowed out? You’re full of shit!”

Karamatsu is on his feet in a few seconds, only to just barely catch another fist thrown at him. His arm shakes with the muscle strain of holding back his little brother’s ire. “What are you… are you angry at me for taking myself out of the running?! Any other time, you’d be eliminating the competition yourself!”

Ichimatsu throws a punch with his other hand, though it’s caught just the same. There’s too much rage and adrenaline flooding through him, and Karamatsu can’t hold him back forever. “You think you’re doing me some kind of favor?! That’s just so like you! You’ve gotta be the hero right? You stupid, chūnibyō loser! You’re the saintly big brother and I’m the pathetic jackass and you’ve just gotta help me!”

“Wha… h-hey! That’s not what I think or what I’m trying to do!” It’s starting to become difficult to keep a grip on Ichimatsu’s hands, so in a desperate bid for some space, he shoves Ichimatsu back… maybe with a little more force than he may have used otherwise. “I care about you, Ichimatsu! You deserve to have a chance, and I know she likes you, and I just thought… if I allowed her to focus on you, I wouldn’t distract her!”

Ichimatsu ends up flat on his ass, although he’s back up in only a second. “You didn’t distract her, you motherfucker! You hurt her feelings! Who cares if she likes me?! She likes you! But as usual, you had to go and fuck everything up for everybody because you were trying to ‘help’!”

This time when he lunges forward, Karamatsu is ready and they end up grappling like two bucks locking antlers. Nobody really has the upper hand unless one counts that Ichimatsu is putting a little more physical force into it; the emotional toll it’s taking on Karamatsu is obvious, though.

“She never told me anything about that!” His arms quiver as he tries to plant his feet so that Ichimatsu can’t just brute force his way through this fight.

“Should she have had to?! You said she likes me, but she’s never said that, so you could obviously read her to know she likes me! You couldn’t tell she likes you, too?! And so what?!” Ichimatsu rocks forward in an attempt to knock Karamatsu off balance. “Even if she didn’t like you that way, you think blowing her off like you’ve been doing wouldn’t hurt a friend?!”

He winds back and goes in for another punch. “You’re not a good person! You know what you are? You know what I see when I look at you, what everyone else sees when they look at you? A stupid, painful, selfish, sorry excuse for a big brother!”

Something about those words makes Karamatsu freeze. The hit lands full-force, kickstarting the bloody nose that had just stopped a moment ago. Sparks dance around his insides, prompting him to gain back awareness enough to reciprocate the blow.

Before either of them know it, they’re rolling around on the floor, kicking and hitting each other and shouting the worst things they can think of.

“Excruciating bastard!”

“Antisocial asshole!”

“Self-centered, holier-than-thou shitbag!”

“Emotionally constipated, ungrateful bitch!”

“You don’t deserve to be anyone’s older brother! You don’t deserve to be anyone’s brother, period! You deserve to be alone, because nobody should ever have to deal with you and your fucking tryhard bullshit!”

“Oh, and you’re so easy to deal with?! All any of us do is give and give and you don’t give us anything in return! Being an apathetic misanthrope doesn’t make you interesting or special, it just makes you an edgelord!”

“Edgelord, huh? Must run in the family, because you’re even edgier than I am!”

“Maybe, but at least I don’t shut everyone out and act like my brothers don’t love me!”

“Oh, you’re psychoanalyzing me now?! Fuck off! Actually, just die!”

“Is that what you say to everything?! You die first and I might consider it!”

“Great! I’m glad to die! I’ve got a noose and a beam all picked out! As long as I get to choose how you die, I’m ready when you are, asshole!”

“Please! As if I’m going to let you do something like that! What the hell is wrong with you, Ichimatsu?!”

It seems to be the turn in that direction that causes the two of them to start to lose steam. The decline is quick as all the anger between both men crystallizes into fatigue and anguish.

Karamatsu rolls over from where he ended up above Ichimatsu, and Ichimatsu lets his whole body go limp. They lie there for what feels like forever, breathing heavily, covered in new bruises and scratches and flecks of blood, too tired to fire any more shots at one another.

They lie side by side, and when Karamatsu looks over, he sees through his own blurry vision that there are tears in the corners of Ichimatsu’s eyes.

His heart leaps into his throat.

He doesn’t know how else this could have turned out, but it’s undeniable that things have gone way too far, as they always do with any of the sextuplets.

“Ichimatsu…” He reaches for his little brother, only for Ichimatsu to pull violently away and curl into a ball. It hurts, mainly because he knows that’s what Ichimatsu does when he wants the entire world to leave him be. This time, it’s Karamatsu’s fault.

“Fuck off, Shittymatsu,” Ichimatsu mumbles. It’s through experience that Karamatsu can tell he’s starting to cry; that break in his voice might not be evident to anyone except his brothers. “Whatever you’re going to say, I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t care.”

Karamatsu huffs. “Well, you should care. We can’t do this shit, Ichimatsu. What’s wrong with us? It’s not normal for brothers to fight like this. We just beat each other up. Over a woman. … A stunning woman, but―”

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Ichimatsu interrupts. “Are there rocks in your Goddamn head? Do you really think this is just about Irusu? Don’t pretend this wouldn’t have happened at some point even if she never came into our lives. We’re fucking losers who don’t know how to get along and she’s just the latest thing we’re fighting about. We’re both shitheads. Neither of us deserves her.”

Well, at least they can agree on that.

Despite the fact that Ichimatsu doesn’t turn to look at him, not even a little, Karamatsu keeps a hand on his little brother’s back. That Ichimatsu doesn’t push him away or scream for Karamatsu to get off is a good sign.

Although, there aren’t enough good signs to just magically fix this. There’s still so much wrong with the entire situation and nothing is going to tie it up with a neat bow.

They lie next to each other in silence for a long time. Gradually, the tension starts to drain out of Ichimatsu’s body, the more seconds tick by without Karamatsu moving away. His muscles continue to relax until he’s bled out of fury, until he realizes that he doesn’t wantto be mad at his big brother.

The anger isn’t just going to vanish from either of them. It’s not going to disappear because they don’t want to be angry at each other. Their exhaustion bringing true feelings out of the shadows, however, is better than making believe they would prefer staying angry.

“I’m sorry,” Karamatsu finally says. His voice is smaller than usual and breathy and sounds cracked in half by the time he speaks up.

At last, Ichimatsu rolls over onto his back with a grunt. “… I’m sorry, too.”

Karamatsu sighs and shifts his hand away to give his younger brother space. “We really are a couple of pathetic creatures, aren’t we?”

“Yep, we’re shitty.”

“The shittiest.”

They both fall silent for another moment or two. This time, it’s Ichimatsu who breaks the quiet. “What… do we do now?”

There are too many thoughts swirling around Karamatsu’s head. And he would assume in Ichimatsu’s head as well. Everything is tumulting around in an unorganized mess, too much to put together any kind of real plan.

What do they do about what,anyway? About Irusu and who gets to have a chance with her? About their own broken relationship?

Neither of them really knows what to do about anything.

“I think,” Karamatsu hums, “we should patch up our wounds before anything else.”

So Ichimatsu nods.

It’s not going to solve any of their real problems, but it’s as good a place to start as any.

[summoner-asha]

You know I've always had this scenario in my mind and always thought about how it would turn out. The basic premise is that you (the summoner) exist in other worlds sorta like how there are other Askr's. Maybe some of these versions of you existed in other Fe games and had a completely different life than the you who was summoned to Askr. Then that led to me thinking about what if one of these versions of you was in a relationship with one of the Fe characters and somewhere along the way you died in battle protecting them. After some time they get summoned to Askr to see "you" but not the one they knew, but you from our world. It makes me kinda wonder how some of them react to seeing "you". How would someone like Chrom, Ike, or even someone from 3h would act? What are some of your thoughts? This has been on my mind for a long time and I wanted to see how someone else who played Feh would think of this. Thank you for your time. ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

[ [ oh my Gods, I hope you didnt think I was ignoring this. I saw this and immediately got excited because I have thought about thi very thing! Like...For instance, in the games where you get to ‘make yourself’ i.e Awakening and Fates/Birthright, what would happen if the YOU from those worlds ALSO came. And I =ve always thought about this and so when I got this I got the perfect one! vwv I used our grumpy ninja Saizo because when I first played birthright I went for his ass because Ive a thing for teasing grumpy and manly men and the reward I got for dealing with his ass was not what I expected. Plus I feel that half the time (on a serious note) no one understands just how AMAZING of a partner he can be. (Well if you didnt go for him as an S rank yeah)....You know what would ALSO fuck that up???? If your KIDS came and remembered YOU as their parent. Also sorry its long ;A; I was really amped! ] ]

[ [ See and I thought I was the only one thinking of this kind of scenario too! And I have just the one in mind too! No one gives Saizo any love >: C And if you haven’t ever got him to S rank in Fates then you have no gods damn idea what youre missing with this boy-o here. SO HERE I GO! ] ]

When he had first laid eyes on you...or well….laid EYE on you, he was taken aback so terribly. If one could compare he’d best relate it to a poisoned arrow shot right into his heart. He couldn’t believe it. He thought he was seeing a ghost. Upon seeing you come into view when he was first summoned he wanted to run and grab you and hold you so close that you just might die. Again.

But he knew better. Ever so quickly did he know better. The [ Y/N ] he was seeing now was not the [Y/N] he held ever so dearly in his own World. No. It couldn’t be. And he had to learn to quickly place those thoughts aside. Being a Saizo though, he couldn’t. He needed to investigate. He needed to lay his woes and curiosity to rest. And so he did what he did best. He patrolled. Out of sight, in the shadows. Every time he was able to. Which, being a ninja, was always. Even though his own Lordship , Ryouma was there, his heart told him he needed to place importance there.

For a while he did stay away though. He made sure to never get too close to you. If you were both in the same room, he did his best to not gaze at you for too long. But there was so much that you and his [ Y/N ] had in common. It was almost sickening. It tore at his heart strings. But he steadied himself around you.

So...So...SO MANY similarities….Like how you smiled even when you were nervous. The way your head bobbed when you were trying to think of a plan. Or how your eyes glossed over when you sat and just...watched the sky. Like how the both of you would on quiet nights in Hoshido….

Eventually you would catch him though. And he’d be floored so badly. He should have seen this coming though. Back in Hoshido you were always so predictable. At least to him you were. You would tease him,

“You just have really weird supernatural ninja skills!’ You would raspberry from time to time. He would take your hand and hold it and simply sigh,

“It is through the deep connection between us that allows me to know every step you take.” His voice always soft in this fact. His large hands holding your soft and small ones. You would wrinkle your nose and roll your eyes.

Here in Askr, you would do this too with those you were close with. When Shareena would joke with you about a Hero you might like. Even in distaste when Loki would attempt to smother you in her plots.

His mind was elsewhere now as you stood before him, a brow cocked up pretty high, palms on your waist. His eye blinked, coming back to reality. You seemed annoyed. Like how Hoshido you would be whenever you found him stalking you.Oh wait, he was caught.

“Hello???” You huffed at him.”Saizo, you’ve literally been in this corner for so long. Are you-“ You wrinkled your nose with annoyance.”Are you STALKING me?!” When you got annoyed or angry at him ,you were surely a force to be reckoned with. Maybe that was also what had drawn him to you back in Hoshido…You were the only one who dared step up to him...

Saizo, this is not Hoshido anymore!

“I…”He started, a hand raised as his digits fiddled with the air as if the words were just there for him to pluck. “I was...patrolling.” His voice was faint. His eye glossed over a bit.

“You’re ALWAYS patrolling. Don’t you do anything else?” You were truly annoyed with this man. Every word pinging his memory. Like flash backs in a reel they spun in his head. “I’ve heard the others and what they’ve said about you.” At this point your arms were crossed over your chest, hips slanted to the side, toes tapping. “I can assure you I’m fine. Go back to Ryouma.” You honestly weren’t trying to sound harsh to him. But him practically breathing down your back for no apparent reason was weird and unnerving.

“I know you’re worried that if I’m not ‘tactful’ enough your precious Lordship will be in danger, but trust me, I got this.” You’d been in this world long enough to know how to care for yourself. And by care for yourself you meant you slaved nights away planning and going over maps to make sure you got the best results when taking out the Charges of Heroes that were placed into your hands the moment you rolled out of that accursed mirror.

Yeah, you fell into a mirror. That’s how you got here.

While you went on about how Saizo could just stop being a creep and let you be, all he could do was see and hear his Beloved [ Y/N ] back in Hoshido. Every detail etched into his memory. Now playing out in front of him. It almost brought him back to the day before...He lost you.

It was so cold that night too. Assassins tried your patience. Wars with other countries having brought back the instincts of war within the both of you. You had been molded into that of a seasoned and fine Leader. You had been busy with being a leader and making hard decisions. He didn’t want you to,though.You going out onto the battlefield always made him nervous. It was why he was always by your side. To take on the muscle. Be the muscle. You refused to sit back and watch though. You had a duty to the small kingdom you protected. It was your duty to be out there in the fields as well.

By this time you were still going on about how he needed to relax. There was already a plethora of other Hereos trying to “keep you safe” and you most certainly did not need more. You also just wanted him to relax and worry about himself and to just make sure he was in top form for whenever it would be that he was needed. You just wanted him to...be.

In times like this, back in Hoshido, whenever you would go off on one of your ‘angry tangits” at him, he would usually shut you up with a passionate yet soft kiss. Pulling you into his big , firm and strong arms and pressing his unmasked lips against yours. And you would melt. So simple. But not here. He couldn’t do that here. He couldn’t because you weren’t his...You someone else’s [ Y/N ] and it tore at him. Any fool would act on their hearts will, but his will of mind was stronger. Even when it was breaking apart for the second time.

“Ok are you just not listening to me or something?” You were more than annoyed. Having been going on about how he needed to chill. His eye looked at you. Almost in a glare.

Oh, if you only knew [ Y/N ].... If you only knew.

He snapped to it finally and his brows furrowed at you. “If you weren’t so aloof about what goes on about you, I wouldn’t need to ‘stalk’ you.” He gruffed. Mentally slapping hisself. That sentence was what started your relationship in your own world. And he knew he messed up by saying that. You rolled your eyes at him.

“If I had an orb for every time I was told that I would have…” you paused…”I don’t know how many but I know it would be a lot!’ You threw a finger down. He scoffed at you.

“Simpleton.” Was all he said to you after, quickly vanishing without a trace. Damn he was good ninja. You didn’t even see him leave.

He’d not be far though...He’d be at the corner of your eye, every time. Just back in his world. Ever so silently watching you from afar. Holding onto his heart break every time he would lay eye on you. And you would never know. You’d never have a clue that the man everyone rumored to be as cold hearted as he looked, once held you to the utmost importance in his life. He loved you dearly. So very dearly...You’d never know though. Never...

[simpbur]

hello! i would like ur 40 song wiblur playlist

anon thank you so much for asking <333 while it would’ve been easier to just drop the link i have so many thoughts about everything so i explained why every single song has its spot on this list which was IMMENSELY fun for me

(also: if anyone does want the link i can provide both apple music and spotify but if u would like the apple music link i’d rather it be through dms or an ask off anon that i can make private!)

another also: i bolded all the songs for ease of perusing if you don’t want the director’s commentary and bolded + italicized the ones that i think fit Very Well

another another also: wrote the second bit of this on my laptop and the keyboard is p funky so if there are any typos or things that do not make sense i will try to fix them asap haha

saint bernard by lincoln: this is one of those like. Dream SMP Songs that i added because it fits into so many different relationships and plot lines and arcs but i think there’s some connection to c!wlbur somewhere out there. idk i asked my friend and he said to add it so this one goes out to him

amnesia was her name by lemon demon: ghostbur song ghostbur song! mostly comes from this lovely animatic

o valencia! by the decemberists: okay this is one of those songs that only really has one lyric that fits but is an absolutely banger so it’s here anyway. you’ll also notice a trend of quasi love songs that i relate to c!wilbur’s perception of l’manburg and i think this song shows this in a really cool way, esp with the chorus (‘and i swear to the stars i’ll burn this whole city down’ is The Line)

achilles come down by gang of youths: another one of those Dream SMP Songs. i think this fits better with c!tommy but i like it too much to remove it. this is a somewhat common trend with the earlier songs on this playlist (i’ve been building this thing since january, for reference)

brave as a noun by ajj: another Dream SMP Song. i think certain verses fit better than others when it comes to wilbur’s character but that ones that work really work

harness your hopes by pavement: a song that is one here for vibes alone. i have no idea what these lyrics mean. all i know is that i heard it, thought of c!wilbur, and put it on the playlist. thank you all for being here

evelyn evelyn by evelyn evelyn: sad-ist made this a tommy and tubbo song (as she should) so it’s validity on this playlist is questionable but folks used to compare it to wilbur and tommy’s relationship during the pogtopia arc and i think some points were made there

the execution of all things by rilo kiley: i’m so excited to get here because this was the first song i put on the playlist that i think really works and i thumb nailed an animatic for the last verse and november 16th so! i think it’s a good l’manburg song and the last verse has some good ghostbur lines (‘and lately you’re all alone with nothing left but sleep/but sleep never comes to you, it’s the guilt and forever wakefulness of the weak’)

i’m just your problem from adventure time: this ones a bit tricky since at is my favorite show of all time and i cannot detach this song from its in-show context very well but there is a very cool animatic with this song that landed it a spot on the playlist

man burning by josh ritter: almost became an animatic but the audio i wanted to use (which i recorded at a josh ritter concert and it’s just him and his guitar and there’s echo and it’s very haunting and pretty) has my stepbrother singing in the background and i could not edit it out so. that will probably not happen. but anyways the only hole i would pick in this song is that it’s mostly about self sabotage which isn’t really applicable but i think the imagery is cool

mamma mia by abba: here me out. here me out. this is another song that fits so well and i have spent so many hours thinking about this and somewhere there is a note on my phone explaining how every single line relates to c!wilbur’s entire arc from founding l’manburg to the resurrection (made when we thought gbur was going to get resurrected in january) and just. the metaphorical ‘you’ is l’manburg does this make any sense (another almost animatic except now that wilbur’s actually back it might become an actual animatic)

the other side of paradise by glass animals: no idea why this is here other than being a Dream SMP Song. it’s good tho

infinitesimal by mother mother: they saaaaay it stared with a big bang but they saaaaaaaay it came out of a small thing latelyyyyy i’ve been feeling like a big bang You Know

curses by the crane wives: had a thing drawn out for this song showing the comparisons between c!wilbur and c!niki because of the chorus and i think the last two lyrics of said chorus are the best thing about this one

lonely eyes by the front bottoms: gotta admit that i have no idea how this song got on here but i’ve come to associate it with ghostbur based on vibes alone. it’s a friendly song he’s a friendly ghost it works. the other tfb song coming up fits a bit better methinks

king of new orleans by better than ezra: not to put better than ezra on my c!wilbur playlist but like. something about the whole ‘tasing something up to let it fall’ motif makes me think

get me away from here, i’m dying by belle and sebastian: another almost animatic song (there’s a trend here). not only does the story told in this song work i like the lines ‘play me a song to set me free/nobody writes them like they used to so it may as well be me’ in relation to my l’manburg

montgomery forever by the front bottoms: certain bits and pieces of this song fit so well, specifically the chorus and those bits in the last two choruses Yeah (’montgomery forever and ever and ever and now they’re blowing it up/(x2)/as you started laughing and crying and trying to explain how all you want to do is leave’)

don’t look back in anger by oasis: out of all my almost animatic songs, this one got the furthest. the animatic, which I got pretty far in thumbnailing, was about wilbur and tommy and kind of drawing comparisons between their characters, also about the revolution in general. maybe i’ll finish that animatic one day idk 

snow by ricky montgomery: i wish i had a link for this so bad but!! saw art on twitter!! with the lyric ‘bury me six feet in snow’!! and went ahfsdjfk!!

burning pile by mother mother: a Dream SMP Song. also a jam there’s no real specific connection for this one but i think it could fit in a couple of ways

rounds by the oh hellos: in the same position as snow except it was on tumblr..... @ whoever made this comic i saw these lyrics in your brain is massive and your art is incredible

lovely by mt. eddy: on here for vibes alone. there’s something in the lyrical content too, but my thoughts in that regard are not very fleshed out

adventures in solitude by the new pornographers: ah yes..... the song that prompted this all...... this is a beautiful and incredibly well written song and if you’re going to listen to any song off of this playlist i’d encourage you to listen to this one. it’s place of here is mostly cause of the chorus but the imagery in the verses could all represent a part of c!wilbur and i’d love to explore that more

caught in the middle by paramore: obligatory paramore song. i think it got on here because limbo = ‘middle’ but i’m not quite sure. on the verge of being deleted if i can find a better pmore song

delicate by damien rice: one of the oddest songs on this list and i am well aware that it sticks out like a sore thumb. a song that’s on here pretty much because of one lyric, which is ‘and why’d you sing hallelujah/if it means nothing to you’ which i related to both eret’s betrayal and how my l’manburg is hallelujah yknow

bang! by ajr: almost animatic song. i think we all know what the bang is here

somewhere only we know by lily allen: ik i said don’t look back in anger has the most potential to get made into an animatic but this song might actually take it place. on par with adventures in solitude in terms of how pretty of a song it is, and probably even moreso. it’s kind of turned into a ghostbur song in my head, and makes me cry like an infant child every time i hear it

a pearl by mitski: i cannot defend this song’s place on here past the line ‘it’s just that i fell in love with a war and nobody told me it ended’

eight by sleeping at last: the official c!wilbur song needs a spot on here <3 if i can dig up the clip of cc!wilbur talking about this song in relation to his character i’ll add it but until then yeah <3

always by rilo kiley: no idea why this is on here but it fits well!! could not tell you why!! banger!!

celebration guns by stars: it’s a hauntingly beautiful song about war, and kind of one of those that necessarily isn’t about wilbur but moreso his place in the story? idk how to explain it but yes

passerine by the oh hellos: it’s. it’s from the . the fic. yeah h

oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place by bright eyes: added this after the real resurrection and i think it’s because fo the imagery? also the last verse

we are beautiful, we are doomed by los campesinos!: all i have to say is ‘i cannot emphasize enough that my body/is a badly designed, poorly put together vessel/harboring these diminishing, so called vital organs/i hope my heart goes first, i hope my heart goes first!’ has always made me think of pogtopia era wilbur :(

dead weight by jack stauber: no real connection other than eret played this song during a break during the ghostbur’s january ‘resurrection’ and i heard it and went :0

point me at lost lands by tired pony: gives me season on l’manburg vibes..... i love how free and passionate it sounds and that's p much the only reason it’s on this list haha

ghosting by mother mother: added this five seconds ago because i could not BELIEVE it was not on here. ghostbur song. mans sang it on that one stream with the reverb and everything. the lyrics ‘i will be kind and i’ll be sweet/if you stop staring straight through me’ hit particularly hard back when everyone thought that ghostbur was actually wilbur in disguise 

[talesofpanem]

Tattoo Fixers : Panem

Author: @thegirlfromoverthepond

Rating: T

Summary: Katniss needs someone to fix a bad tattoo.

AN: Deepest, deepest thanks to the amazing @xerxia31 who beta-ed this piece.

Even though I liked the prompt, it took me times to find the idea for this story - until I watched my TV, which prompted an episode of Tattoo Fixers - London. Maybe some of you from the EuroClub know about it ? Anyways, here is my take at this week’s prompt.

Hope you have fun.

_____________

She would be fascinated by the ballet of assistants running around the shop if she wasn’t embarrassed to be sitting there, being prepped by a team of make-up artists and a hairdresser. 

Just looking at the people putting mascara on her eyebrows or trying to tame her hair was a spectacle in itself, with their tattoos poking out from under every bit of clothing, along with piercings or blue hair. 

Katniss felt utterly out of place, waiting for her turn to appear on a television show she didn’t even want to go on. Alas, it was the only free way to fix something she had regretted since she had woken up after a particularly drunken night with her cousin Gale.

It was all Gale’s fault. It had been the day of her father’ funeral, the day after Gale buried his own. After the ceremony, after everyone had gone home, Gale had taken Katniss out. She hadn’t asked, just silently nodded when he had grabbed the keys of his father’s old pickup, heading out to their favorite spot in town, to get drunk.

In the hopes they could forget the void left by their fathers.

They had spent hours in that bar, drinking until they couldn’t drink anymore, until everything faded into blackness. The next morning, however, they’d woken up together in the bed of the pickup truck, each sporting the mother of all hangovers and a lovely souvenir of their evening

Apparently, they had somehow found their way to a tattoo parlor.

Since that night, Gale had sported a wonderful peacock on his biceps, which he still found funny all these  years later.

Katniss wasn’t as lucky. She all but hated the cartoonish, badly drawn bow and arrow on the inside of her forearm. The only good thing about it was its size - tiny, so a wristband could cover it easily. She took to wearing one everyday. Solid. In leather.

Arrow. Her father’s name, had been inked forever on her arm. She would have loved it if she had been able to choose the drawing properly, instead of having been branded with a cupid-ike tattoo design.

Hence her presence on the set of Tattoo Fixers, a reality show where talented tattoo artists helped people cover up their tattoo disasters with gorgeous works of inked art. 

Removing the tattoo was way too expensive for her bank account. But Prim had convinced her to share her story with all the whole country, risking the humiliation of being branded as a drunk crazy woman on cable TV.

Wonderful.

“Katniss? You’re on in five,” a young assistant told her, making the team of preppers buzz around her like there was a breach in a beehive. One man, Flavius she thought his name was, because why not, was complaining about the state of her nails, how chipped they were, how he couldn’t do miracles, how he couldn’t find time to fit in a manicure in the remaining five minutes.

“I’m a botanist. It would be destroyed by tomorrow anyway.” She shrugged the thought away, almost taking pleasure in the disgusted look on his face. Take that, Flavius.

When the assistant came back, all smiles and happy mood, Katniss followed her out of the parlor and onto the street. Just like any other participant, she would have to walk to the shop, entering as if she was a totally random client.

Bull.Shit.

The only random part was which tattoo artist she would choose. At least she would be surprised by their drawings.

This was staged TV, reality-TV. She usually couldn’t stand it. 

She sighed, taking her place ion the street.

“Remember, start walking when the director shouts ‘Action!’” 

Katniss resisted the temptation to roll her eyes.

She started walking as casually as possible when she was told to, entering the shop as naturally as she could manage, trying to avoid laughing at the host’s attire of the day. Nobody ever bothered telling Caesar Flickerman that he might be colorblind. Today, he was mixing  a flashy orange shirt with beautiful purple bermuda shorts. No doubt the episode would air in summer.

“Here is our next client!” Caesar sounded a little too enthusiastic at her entrance into the parlor. “What’s your name, darling?” He took her hand, helping her sit on the couch facing the one where the three tattoo artists were sitting.

She took a deep breath before answering, hoping her voice didn’t falter. 

As she explained why she was there, Katniss took a good look at the three people in front of her, mentally thanking Prim for the briefing she’d given Katniss before she left that morning.

There was the woman, Jo, whose body was almost fully covered in tattoos and piercings. Only her face remained pristine, making her red hair stand out. She was sitting next to Finnick, who as the star tattooist of the program was sitting between his two colleagues. Finnick’s body was a work of art. Prim had swooned over it for much too long when she had briefed her sister, showing Katniss pictures of the man who appeared to live his life shirtless. Katniss had then been privy to the numerous tattoos that adorned his back, a chinese setting, dragon included. 

She had seen several shots of him, of his so perfect body that made women of all ages swoon over him. Of course, Katniss was well aware of the dispatch of muscles, the Greek-god physique Finnick had, and fully expecting to be struck with lust as soon as she laid eyes on him in person. Yet nothing happened.

Nothing. At. All.

She was much more intrigued by the third tattooist, sitting next to Finnick. If Jo was a picture of the bad girl, Finnick the perfection, this third person was something else. He screamed “normal”, standing out from the two others, in Katniss’ opinion. Maybe it was because she couldn’t see a single tattoo on him, not even the required tribal band around his biceps.

There was something about his blue eyes, about his messy blond air that made her look at him more than the two others. Something that attracted her.

“This is Peeta, but we call him Peet. He’s the newcomer as Cato decided he needed a year off,” Finnick said and Peeta smiled. “So, how do you want us to cover the tattoo? Any specific request?”

“Well, nothing arrow-esque, or cupid-like. I’d like something that’s more inspired by nature,” she said. She just wanted the stupid bow and arrow to be covered.

Both Finnick and Jo grabbed their sketchbooks and started to draw. But she could feel Peeta’s eyes on her, lingering for a few seconds before he in turn, dived in.

“Well, tell us about you, Kathy?” Caesar said,making idle conversation to allow the tattooists time to finish their drawings.

“It’s Katniss, actually. Nothing thrilling, I’m a botanist and I live with my sister, Primrose.”

“Oh, that’s nice, she’s named for a flower!”

Katniss couldn’t help rolling her eyes. She knew this part would be cut because nobody really cared about the chit chat between a host and someone they would forget as soon as she left the office. 

“Just like I am, it’s kind of a family tradition.”

“And you’re a florist! Isn’t it amazing.”

“I’m a botanist, but not far away.”

She was already over her talk with the host. A talk she was quite sure only lasted a few minutes, still felt like two long days. 

“We’re ready, Kitty Kat. Here’s my drawing.” Jo handed over her sketchbook, on which a beautiful cat was displayed. With red fun, he would have been a striking copy of her sister’s cat, Buttercup, aka the bane of her existence. “You strike me as independent and very focused, hence, the cat.”

“It’s beautiful, Jo, thank you,” Katniss said, as she took in the beautiful shape of the cat’s ear, the detailed eyes. The woman had talent.

“I went for something more… natural,” Finnick said. “ I hope you like it!” He handed her his sketchbook, then leaned back on the couch, taking a sugarcube out of his pocket before popping it in his mouth.

On the page in front of her was a display of gorgeous intertwining orchid flowers.

 “I can do them in different shades, like a watercolor painting, you know?” Finnick added, as Katniss stared in awe.

“It’s lovely, wow, I wasn’t expecting that, Finnick.” Between the two drawings, her choice was made. She wasn’t even sure Peeta would be able to compete.

“She’ll pick mine, guys, I’m ready to bet ten bucks!” Finnick lifted his arms in victory. 

“It doesn’t have to be a big one, right?” Katniss asked, hoping his answer would be a no.

“It can be whatever you desire, sweetheart.” Finnick’s voice was sugary, and his green eyes sparkled as he winked at her.

Which made Katniss roll her eyes.

“Well, Finnick, this one’s immune to your charms.” Peeta’s voice, amused, chimed in. “Katniss, here is my take for your tattoo.”

She put down Finnick’s sketchbook to take Peeta’s. There were no words to describe her feelings when she looked down at the drawing on the paper. She had expected something somewhere between Jo and Finnick’s like an animal in nature, or just a drawing of a beach, absolutely not what she had before her eyes.

Peeta had drawn a wave.

A single, simple wave.

Yet, the closer she looked, the more details she could see. The wave was made entirely of flowers.

Primroses and katniss were braided together with such precision, with such attention, it was mesmerizing.

From two feet away the drawing looked like a wave.

But to her, for the closer her eyes got, it was a flower wall.

She opened her mouth to talk, to express how incredible she found the drawing.

No words came out.

She had to take a deep breath before gathering her thoughts before she was able to talk again.

“This. This is what I want.” 

“Shall we go, then?” Peeta asked, rising from the couch.

She nodded her agreement before following him to the back.

She was glad the cameras didn’t filming the whole process. They were busy filming other segments with other “clients”. 

“What prompted you to draw this? I mean I had no idea that was what I wanted until you showed me…” she asked.

“Your talk with Caesar. You told him you were a botanist, that it was a tradition to have flower names in your family. So I checked what Katniss was. It came up with sagit-something…”

“Sagittaria sagittifolia.,” she said under her breath.

He laughed, as he charged his machine with ink.

“Yes, that. You said you live with your sister, and I remembered you told us you got this awful thing after a funeral so I added one and one… You must have a pretty close relationship with your sister.”

“Yeah, we do …..” She was watching him come closer with his machine. She had a question, though. “How do I know you can tattoo? I mean, you don’t even have any of your own?”

“I do have one tattoo, but it’s hidden. I’m not as extrovert as Finn and Jo.”

“I noticed.. Could I see it ?”

“Well, it would involve you seeing me at least half naked… “

She blushed. “Oh, my, sorry…”

“No need to apologize. I did Finn’s dragon, and can show you pictures of previous works I’ve done,  if you need references …. “

“It’s okay, I trust you.”

He smiled, a gentle, kind, warm smile at her words.

As soon as he started working on her forearm the cameras returned. He explained the steps he was taking, using the shape of the bow for the wave, the body of the arrow to line up the braids of flowers.

“It’s done. You can look.” His voice took her by surprise.  She looked down, finding herself at a loss for words, again.

There was no way she would hide this one under a wristband.

After the mandatory shots for the TV, Peeta was wrapping her arm in cello, when he asked.

“I kinda won twenty bucks earlier, thanks to you. Want to share it with a tea?”

“No,” she answered. As his face fell, she added, “But I’d love a hot chocolate with whipped cream, if you know a place.”

He knew a place.

(Turned out he had a tree of life tattoo along his ribcage. She could spend hours tracing it with her fingers. Or her tongue.)

[scaltrite]

yeah so a girl at my college found my tumblr but i wanna talk abt stuff so i guess im doing it here now bc i dont have the courage to block her for reasons i will now explain

like?? i met this girl and i was like oh shit she seems so cool and so cute and i wanted so badly to be in her group of friends and bro i been trying so hard to be One of them but i just KNOW im not.....like maybe they dont necessarily hate me but im definitely not Desired there which sucks bc theyre the closest thing i have to friends in college......and i just see them spontaneously (or not, how would i know) going out together or hanging in each others rooms and im so JEALOUS and insecure and i hate who i am when i feel that way. i thought i had finally drawn a hard line with myself this one night when like.....they kept doing this thing (specifically that girl i met the first day and this guy who i thought actually liked being around me) where they would put their finger up like #1 whenever i said anything bc they made a "list" where i was number 1 and they told everyone what it was but specifically said not to tell me.....and yes that could easily be a joke, i have made worse jokes with my friends, but im so uncertain with my place with them that i wasnt sure if it was even meant to be a joke.....like are they laughing at me or with me.... then later that night my roommates and that one dude were hanging out in my room while the first girl i met and the others went to get a board game, when suddenly he looks at his phone, says "theyre here!" and runs out the room, and when i look down the hall Girl1 and her best friend and Dude are running into the elevator and i said "why are you ditching me" and they just laughed and said "GO!!" and left.....and that got me SO upset i really wanted to go back to my room and just cry forever bc WOW that could not have made it more clear to me that they hate me like ik im mean but thats some shit i wouldnt have even done to my closest friends. but i just sat there the whole night trying not to cry bc my roommates were still there... then they text me asking to come down to the 5th floor and im so fucking whipped bc im lonely and i have no friends so i go and they just give me a gummy bear and leave and im like. i know im a terrible person but i feel like this isnt a Friendly kind of Prank..... then Dude texts me like come outside we promise we wont run away and something kinda snaps in me like god FUCK you guys i might rather be alone than this fuckimg bullshit and in my head i felt like a line was just drawn like i cant be friends with these people i cant keep this bullshit up. anyways that was all one night. the next night i go out with some other ppl bc im feeling like shit and when i come back Girl1 and her best friend are drinking and the latter is WASTED and Girl1 sure isnt sober and im feeling so awful so im like well i can fake friendship for one more night if it means i can get alcohol. then Girl1 tells me she has a crush on me? and im .....yikes.....so i pretend i didnt remember anything bc i was drunk.....but then she asks me out sober,...and i said yes bc shes cute and my brains like "this is ur way in!" but its been a week and im remembering the way her and all those people made me feel and it just doesnt make sense? like she was nice sometimes SOMETIMES she invited me out somewhere just us but i always ended up being busy but otherwise? there were absolutely no cues to her liking me and im pretty good at reading people....like was all of that shit supposed to be bc she liked me? bc i didnt pick up on that at ALL plus nothings changed about how she or anyone else acts with me? i have even less of a good feeling abt her bc her and her bestfriend didnt say hi to my friends from home when i passed them in the dining hall and said "oh go say hi to my friends! theyre over there!" and they didnt smile at them or say hi when we passed them again later....im starting to think this is all a big prank.....our first date is this tuesday but im honestly expecting to be stood up or led into a dark alley to be beat up deadass

[gibbyj]

goodnight and goodbye handsome

7.13.21 / 2:21 am

fuuuuuck i’m high!!’ turns out if you don’t smoke all day you get literally blasted. anyways hahaha, that’s not the point is it?

if you’ve gotten this far, i assume you’re reading this. honestly, i assume you’re reading this anyway. maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but for some reason you’ll come. in a few days, you’ll visit my page.

here’s the thing, i know why i visit you. i’m in love with you. it’s really that simple. i tell people that, and i think that. deep down, i fear it may not be true. i’m terrified i’ve wasted years of my life craving a fling. and yet, deeper down, i’m drawn to you. i’m trapped in your fucking wave.

that’s a song you told me to listen to. do you remember why we broke up? hahahaha, i guess that’s a dumb question. in this world, everyone genuinely has their own truth. their own steps they’ve walked in this world to get to the version of themselves and their surroundings in their mind. [side note: that’s pretty fucking poetic right? i came up with that in 10 seconds high as a kite, please start writing again? i miss it, the world misses it. what happened to your notebook? ik you have ideas in there]

anybays, here’s my full version of why i genuinely believe you broke up with me. 1) you had a crush on her, and you were attracted to her 2) you were hurt bc i had been in texting him 3) we were fighting a lot 4) we had been getting bored 5) i was kinda petty and a bitch 6) i had been lying to you (and the world) for most of my life 7) i had been intentionally distancing myself and avoiding you 8) i’m SURE things i’m forgetting

i’m sure that’s incomplete, and perhaps incompatible with your version of events. i had also already broken up with you, that was a major factor. i used to point this out to our friends, and anyone who would listen to me, that you followed a similar path. when was the last time you were genuinely single, 14? 15? i don’t point that out to say that you weren’t able to grow, i’ve spent most of my grown life in love. but you always had someone lined up. you didn’t get rid of me until you had someone else to kiss.

i did that too, but i got bored. i really thought you would get bored. and i’m sorry, i wish i didn’t wish that. every part of me wants to have been able to let you go after i had written my first goodbye. but here’s the thing. you responded, quickly. and i’m sorry, im genuinely sorry for all of the times i reached out to you. im sorry for trying to add you on snapchat. im sorry for messaging you when i thought you were trying to talk to me. and im really, really, sorry for blacking out and texting you.

but here’s the, thing. you responded. you respond quickly. why do you check on me? seriously, why? sometimes i think, probably more like hope, you’re here bc i look good in my pictures, bc obviously that’s my intention. but why do you talk to me? and no, you dont. that’s really hard to explain to the people closest to me. no, we don’t talk, he like subtweets me? but i swear i’m not crazy. no really, they’re original posts, what else could they be?

and i dissect them, over and over again. i listen, i think about it, i picture you singing in your car, or smiling with your eyes closed. i think of you in your bed, thinking of me, and i don’t know why. because you don’t talk to me, you don’t seem to like me, and you don’t seem to be unhappy.

i drove past your house tonight. and in my FUCKING defense, it’s an alternative to my gd house, no one seems to understand that it’s literally like not a detour and i get home in the same amount of time. but i really don’t know why i do it. because i’m never happy. it’s never what i want. here’s what i want, i want you walking to your car, and seeing me drive past, i’d wave, slow down, and say hi. and finally ask for a goddamn explanation.

but that’s never going to happen. and i have to accept that. that’s never going to happen. i’m never going to rest my head in your neck, or hold your hand, or kiss you, or hug you, or laugh with you, or sing, or drive, or talk to you ever again. and that makes me so sad.

as i write that, i can feel the blood draining from my arms, and my stomach fell. i will probably go to sleep tonight, and even though i’ll distract myself with cormac mccarthy, i’ll be sad tonight.

my grandmom died on thanksgiving. i’m sure you don’t remember, but she was my best fucking friend. i’m not gonna talk about that, but i bring it up to say that if i’m being honest, my bones feel the same now as they did then.

we’re dead. the glimmer of me that believes in us, that picture going to concerts, seeing you drunk, dancing and laughing and singing and kissing and fucking and driving and watching movies and making jokes and living life together is gone. it’s dead. it has to be dead.

i went to barnes and noble today, and i looked for your car in the parking lot. i went to ocean city, and i scanned the top of the crown looking for your smile. and then i went to hammonton.

i got drinks with an ex tonight, don’t worry it wasn’t you. we have nothing in common, but he’s a good friend to me, and he’s really supportive and is always there for me, which tbh isn’t a common trait among my good friends. we talked, and it was pretty boring, but it was nice. and i asked him wtf you were doing. what it meant. why. if i should drive past your house.

he said no, i shouldn’t. he didn’t understand why i would choose to hurt myself that way. i showed him your page, and he chuckled a little. i dissect your feed, i visit you in the morning and the evening. every original post a message. a reaction or a plea in some way.

he told me i was crazy, which he isn’t wrong about. and the funny thing is, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. sometimes, i fear i’m just a joke. maybe you guys watch me together, listen to my songs and laugh at the desperation between the lyrics. but, i really don’t think that’s it. you’re better than that. you’re nice, people don’t know that, to be honest you don’t always show that, but you have such a pure heart. and i don’t think you’re that gross.

maybe i’m wrong, and gd if i am gg sis you really found your person. but i don’t think im talking to both of you. i really, really think im talking to you. sometimes, it really feels like im talking to you. like you’re next to me, if i close my eyes, i can almost feel your hands on me.

but, im not. you’re in that deer town, and im in the college court. we’re thirty miles, and three years apart from one another. we’ve grown and changed and flipped upside down from those kids hanging out at the voorhees mall.

and so im left to figure out by myself why you’re here. why despite you being far and happy, you come to haunt me. you know, most exes emotionally haunt their ex, not legitimately leave unnecessary and misleading breadcrumbs.

i have a whole slew of degrees now, so i’ve come to my best version of a guess: you’re filing your insurance card. and you know what? four hours ago, i really would have been okay with that. i would have dated and waited and dated and waited until you came crying back, because you were my person. you were my goddamn dream boy. and i couldn’t believe i had you.

i let you go so quickly. and goddamn julia you didn’t let anyone go. here’s what i realized: anyone can fight for anyone. if you wanted me as badly as i want you, you would be here. here, here. but you’re not. instead, she’s there.

and i finally realized, what’s the goddamn point? i don’t know if you realized bro but i’m literally a gd catch. also, tbh i’m a lady w 38ddds so i can laid truly anytime i need to. and more importantly, i’m funny. i’m nice. im kind and i’m compassionate and caring and giving and smart as hell and really fun to hang out with. im a great singer, and a really fun dancer. and guys realize that.

there are so. many. guys like you. and i don’t mean that to be rude, trust me i didn’t know that this morning. but there are funny guys out there. there are guys who will go crazy when i take my clothes off and call me when i’m sad, and they’ll be happy to do it. they’ll be excited to be with me, i won’t be a back up.

and so, i’m giving myself that opportunity. i’m letting myself let go of you, to bury you and us alongside the memories i’m grateful for. so thank you, for teaching me all of my favorite bands. for making me laugh, and holding me when i needed you to. for kissing me, for loving me, and for reminding me that even now, im still a little special.

but i’m not going to sit around and wait for you to react. im not going to check on your songs, or your liked posts, or drive past your goddamn house. im not going to obsess over what you’re trying to say, because if you wanted to say it, you would. you wouldn’t hide it in spongebob songs, you would just message me. you would say hi.

but you dont, and deep down, i know you wont. god, even now, i want this to turn you inward. but when it doesn’t, or if it does and you still want nothing to do with me, i’m not gonna cry. because i really, really, really believe i’m gonna be okay.

i hope you’re okay too. i really, really wish you nothing but the best in this world. whatever this world brings you, i hope it comes with happiness, the ability to find joy in any situation, laugh at the small things. i believe in you, i hope you learn to believe in yourself.

[justjessame]

Diamonds Are A Boy’s Best Friend Chapter 45

Monday dawned bright and sunny.  As I was quickly finding every day in Miami tended to, although Ike and Arthur, eyes twinkling had teased me that I might enjoy hurricane season.  Those choices seemed rather extreme, but I chose not to dwell on them.  Today was the day.  The day that Ben Diamond would meet his daughter in her full power, and then see just how badly he’d judged her.  I smiled as Ike and I got ready.  

Breakfast was a happy affair, Lauren excited because her room would begin it’s renovations while we were gone, and she was coming with Ike and I to pick up the accent pieces and to help us pick out the nursery furniture.  She would wait with Ike nearby in the hospital while I met with Ben, close enough for Ike to be able to rush to my side, but far enough to keep him out of Ben’s crosshairs when I stoked his irritation to hair-raising degrees.  

Dressed and happy, we piled into Ike’s convertible and headed out to do a little shopping before I was due at the meeting with Klein.  First we went to a department store, since Lauren’s room was first on the list to complete, mine and Ike’s I had deemed less important for now.  I wanted the salesman to have time to search for the items I requested before we got started, so it could come together with more ease.  While Ike indulged Lauren’s decor additions, my eye caught the jewelry counter and I was drawn toward it with another pressing need.  

I smiled as Ike and Lauren debated color schemes from my vantage point, asking the saleslady behind the glass display cases for something I’d thought about when I asked Ike about Molly’s jewelry.  She showed me several options, and I shot another glance to where Ike was in serious conversation with his daughter about throw pillows.  Taking in the slender young woman who was family, I chose the option I found most fitting and agreed to the few additional pieces the woman showed me.  Asking her to wrap them up carefully, boxed, gift wrapped and put in a sturdy shopping bag, I smiled as I paid.  

“She’s a lucky girl,” the woman offered, her nod toward where my future stood, comparing two bedding sets.  “Her parents clearly spoil her.”  I returned her smile with a nod.  

“She deserves every single thing we give her.”  I rejoined them and nodded as they showed me what Lauren had picked so far.  “That looks lovely.”  The colors she chose were elegant and understated, and she beamed at me, a very Ike-like dimple peeking at me.  “Let’s see what else we can find.”  

I helped her choose a larger jewelry box, even though she told me she didn’t have nearly enough to fill it.  Ike’s eyes met mine and his smile grew at the reminder that he wanted me to go through Molly’s things to give to Lauren, adding to her bounty, as it were.  “I’m sure you’ll collect more, Lo, you’re growing up now.”  

I bit my lip and we finished with plenty of time to get back to the hospital.  Once Ike and the helper from the store loaded up the boot of the car, and part of the backseat, we were off.  I smiled as I told Ike we might have to make a trip back home to drop things off before we went out for the rest of our shopping trip. His grin grew and I knew I wanted our life to be filled with this easy happiness that we were experiencing.  

As he pulled into the hospital lot, the cloud of one last less than enjoyable chore descended over me.  My father.  A man who should be adding to my joy was a blight on it, and until I had that issue well in hand, the cloud would hover and threaten every ounce of excitement Ike and our family could hope to have.  

Ike took Lauren off to the cafeteria, telling me he’d grab me something to drink for when I rejoined them, and I went to the front desk to ask for my father’s room number.  Once given it, I stepped onto the elevator and was taken to the appropriate floor.  I had a little time before Klein was due, so taking a deep breath, I walked through the doorway with my head held high.  

Ben’s back was raised, his hand holding a newspaper as he idly read through the pages as though he had not a care in the world.  I took a moment to study him before he took note of whom had entered his room.  

“Be a dear and-” his eyes met mine and he stopped.  “Elizabeth.”  Lips naturally inclined to smirk will smirk, I suppose, no matter the situation one is placed in.  “To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from my erstwhile daughter in her current condition.”  Eyes landing on my very obvious state and my mouth curved in a smile of my own.

“Father.”  I tilted my head in the same slighted greeting.  “You look well, considering.”  He did.  For a man who had been shot at, if not shot into, and then having fallen through a glass ceiling, he looked no worse for the wear.  Pity.  “May I?”  I gestured to a chair near his bed and he gave a small nod of assent.  “I’ve been on my feet for most of the morning, shopping.”  His eyes widened subtly.  “I’m helping Lauren redecorate her room.  The whims of teenagers.”  My smile grew as his smirk started to fade.  “Didn’t you know?”  I raised an eyebrow, feigning surprise.  “I thought you knew every move I made, or that Ike made.”  Holding up my left hand I showed him my ring.  “I’d tell you the date, but well, there’s going to be two.  And with the divorce being fast tracked-” I shrugged.  C’est la vie.  “Aren’t you going to congratulate me, Father?  Isn’t this what you wanted?  Me and Isaac Evans joined in Holy matrimony with the added bonus of a baby on the way?”  

I watched as he chewed on the many words that I knew he wanted to spit at me, but an authoritative knock came to the doorframe and I smiled as I looked up.  “Mr. Diamond,” Mr. Klein offered a reptilian smile that looked as predatory as my father’s could look, gracing his rodent-like face.  “And Miss Diamond.”  His smile grew, and I could swear his eyes were twinkling with glee.  

“Mr. Klein,” I stood up and moved away from my father’s bedside, feeling that distance from the source of an explosion I felt may be coming would be a smart move.  “To what do we owe the pleasure of a visit from the State’s Attorney’s office?”  My smile was easy, I knew what was coming, after all.  And I watched, as the dawning realization flickered across my father’s face and suddenly, while Klein told him exactly what brought him to call and what fate my father could expect, he looked like he might need the hospital bed he was occupying.  

Ben’s eyes, flashing finally to me, where I’d moved closer to the door held more contempt than I’d ever seen him show.  More hatred, more anger, more rage.  And my smile grew as spittal formed on the corners of his mouth and his words finally came to flow as freely as a gusher.  The things he called me, the curses he issued, the threats all did nothing to make my smile drop.  As he finally stopped to catch his breath, I offered one final parting shot to the man who I should have felt something more than the indifference I felt for him.

“Oh and Ben?”  His eyes narrowed as I dropped the title he’d so happily crowed about when I came home.  “I do hope that the public defender's office has able minds, since you have slightly more than a poverty level of wealth.  Sy made certain of that.”  Turning on my heels, I left, with my head still high and my back straight, even as he unloaded another folly of rage at me and my Pop-Pop.