#it's always summer of 51s somewhere

[housediva]

Some Kind of Ecstasy (Emergency!)

Summary: Johnny is sent to a convention in San Francisco and invites Roy along. While there, Johnny hits it off with someone, forcing him to confront his feelings for Roy as he considers whether to turn a one-night stand into a relationship.

Summer of 51s 2024—Long Distance

[elisysd]

Gold Rush Masterlist

Sequel to Cruel Summer (Charles Leclerc x OC), can be read independently

Prologue

1.Guess my childhood is over

2.Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

3.We are invincible, we are unstoppable

4.Vultures spinning up above for what's left of me

5.They say it's bad karma being such a heartbreaker

6.If you fail to plan, you plan to fail

7.Maybe together we can get somewhere

8.I've got memories and travel like gypsies in the night

9.Personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

10.Way down we go

11.That's why I'm lying to my therapist

12.You could be my luck even if the sky is falling down

13.Lately you've been searching for a darker place to hide

14.I could be so sweet if only I were naive

15.Burn, crash, romance, I’ll take what I can get from you

16.And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright

17.I’ve been thinking way too loud, I wish that I could block me out

18.And if the storm is hitting I'll try to keep you steady

19.Ask me what I earned from all those tears

20.All I know is this could either break my heat or bring it back to life

21.Sleeping's so tough you're burning up my mind

22.It's a love story baby just say yes

23.Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's araid to get too close

24.But there's a shining in the shadows

25.I'll be there till it all feels so big, till it all feels so small

26.I’ve been feeling everything from hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth

27.Take the moment and taste it, you’ve got no reason to be afraid.

28.You've got a friend in me

29.Why don't you let me down, I'll let you do it again

30.Can you make it feel like home if I tell you you’re mine?

31.I know heaven’s a thing, I go there when you touch me

32.Maybe there's nothing after midnight that could make you stay

33.You're scared of love, well, aren't we all?

34.Don't get too close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide

35.Fear or love, baby? Don't say the answer

36.And what hurts the most is people can go from people you know to people you don't

37.Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?

38.What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around?

39.And I just wanna tell you it takes everything in me not to call you

40.You know I'm afraid of change, guess that's why we stay the same

41.How long can we be a sad son 'til we were too far gone to bring back to life?

42.If to change is what you need you can change right next to me

43.I tell myself I'm good, but I'm falling apart

44.Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?

45.Lean on me when you're not strong and I'll be your friend

46.I'll be late, but I could make it all up to you

47.I wanna be better, I wanna be new but I can’t be those things next to you

48.Knew we would crash at the speed that we were going

49.You said that you needed space, go on then, astronaut

50.I trace the evidence, make it make some sense, why the wound is still bleedin'

51. Heaven knows I should let go, it’s nothing that I don’t already know

52. Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned

53. You’re blowing through my mind like the hurricane

54. Did some force take you because I didn't pray?

55. Take a heart and take a hand, like an ocean takes the dirty sand

56. I know you're scared and your pain is imperfect but don't you give up on yourself

57. Lately she's been dressing for revenge

58. Hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end

59. I don't ask for much, gimme love

60. But I promise you this I'll always look out for you

Epilogue

BONUS CHAPTERS

Our first christmas

A trip to Bali

My place is yours 

We want you to be their godparents

Double trouble

Marry me?

A bold move

My favorite enemy

It’s not you and I anymore

Not this fucking family

[lixzey]

the start of everything

2016

1: young half bloods ✔️

2: newbie ✔️

3: luke castellan learns a valuable lesson (he gets distracted, most of the time)

4: strawberry fields, wildflowers, and annoying boys

5: Oh, I don't know why she's just my type

6: rivalries and farewells

7: leave me alone

8: planning committee

9: thanks, i guess?

10: snowball fight

2017

11: capture the flag: luke led us to victory!

12: What the hell is a promposal?

13: volleyball matches and cocky little shits

14: Delphi strawberry services

15: cheeseburgers and barbies

16: to charm the charmer

17: forts and birthday cake

18: do you really want another black eye?

19: a letter from dear old daddy 

20: awkward

21: if i ignore it long enough, it’ll disappear, right?

2018

22: new years, new beginnings

23: as friends, right?

24: you’re my kid now!

25: moonlight rendezvous

26: a picnic and eavesdropping siblings

27: grouchy

28: birthday picnic

29: pegasus horseback riding

30: junior year

31: sweet sixteen

32: she’s not

33: hot cocoa, longing glances, and mistletoes

2019

34: school is boring, wanna go somewhere?

35: love is in the air

36: Home

39: You are in love!

37: the best swordsman at camp and a furious maya williams

38: that brainless idiot

40: interventions, stubborn idiots, and annoying siblings

41: to be young and in love in new york city

42: your hand fits in mine like it’s made just for me

43: golden apples and worries

44: i’m sorry, forgive me 

45: demigod pick up service

46: on with the quest

47: and in the middle of my chaos, there was you

48: love you every minute, every second

49: flying shoes and leaf piles

50: planning 101

51:  turkeys and apple pies

52: christmas traditions

2020

53: all of the city lights never shine as bright as your eyes

54: it’s tradition, baby!

55: Some days, you're the best thing in my life. Sometimes when I look at you, I see my wife

56: love languages

57: Jesus, I can see my own funeral in their eyes

58: road trip!

59: Great to be back

60: farmer’s market

61: strawberry cookies and public displays of affection

62: end of another summer

63: suspiciously quiet

65: christmas tree farm

64:  orders from the pit

2021

66:  just normal days

67: you’re too good to be true

68: tricksters  

69: happiness always comes with a price

[magicshopaholic]

Seoul (Namjoon x OC)

Summary: You and Namjoon meet in Seoul again, this time as exes.

Pairing: Namjoon x OC

Genre: Fluff, angst

Word count: 13.8 K

Rating: 18+

Warnings: language, break-up, talk about parental issues, stress, infidelity, kissing

A/N: So... this got a little longer than expected. Some questions will be asked, many will be answered. A lot of holiday cheer and pretty Christmas lighting. But the best part about this fic has to be the fact that I haven't proofread it.

Set approximately nine months after Next Time but can be read standalone.

Tagging: @bbl32, @meirkive, @quarter-life-crisis2, @kflixnet (if you want to be added to the taglist, lmk)

Listen to: “ghost” by parekh & singh

namjoon masterlist | main masterlist

The last cloud floats away, and the sun peeks out apologetically. Bathed in light, the landscape looks like a colourful painting - a blue sky with a hint of purple, the edge of a green hill cutting it at an angle, and a winding road finishing it off. Visible in between two parallel rows of buildings, it feels like a glimpse of summer on a cold winter morning.

Kaya raises her phone to click a picture, ignoring her frozen fingers. This is Instagram-worthy, she decides - story only, even though she rarely posts anything else. She considers a caption for a brief moment, but it feels almost cruel to disturb the picture.

Over an hour later, when she’s in the car on her way home, her phone pings and she sees a reply to her story.

artisfolly [12:45] You’re in Seoul?

Kaya’s heart skips a beat. She suddenly realises why she’d felt the need to take a picture of that particular hill and it’s no surprise that he’s recognised it, too. His question is unexpected, though, and she can think of nothing to say but the obvious.

kaya_m [12:46] Yeah.

artisfolly [12:47] Why didn’t you tell me?

She stares at the screen, at a rare loss for words. She can’t fathom why he would ask her this, and the fact that they’re speaking to each other for the first time in nearly three months reduces her to simple honesty.

kaya_m [12:50] I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me.

A beat passes. Kaya realises only a moment later how tightly she’s clutching her phone and forces her fingers to loosen up.

artisfolly [12:51] I always want to hear from you.

Another beat. Then – 

artisfolly [12:51] Can we meet for coffee?

—

The city is already lit up and ready for the holidays. There’s the faint sound of instrumental carols from somewhere down the street as people enter and exit shops in a flurry, all bundled up in fashionable winter wear.

Namjoon still isn’t entirely sure why he picked this place to meet up. Gangnam just made sense because it was reasonably close by, but it’s also busy - it makes him feel less exposed somehow, although he isn’t fully sure what he’s trying to stay hidden from.

He glances at the menu of the coffee cart as he waits for her. Again, it wasn’t what he’d had in mind when he’d proposed to meet up for coffee, but his mind had gone blank when he’d tried to think of a place. For some reason, all he could think about was this small cart and the fact that it had a hazelnut drink. Around two hours ago, after nearly a whole day of thinking, he’d realised he couldn’t put it off anymore and texted Kaya with the location of the department store next door.

Namjoon exhaled, trying to ignore the low hum of anxiety in his stomach. A lot had happened in the last couple of days: a new track had been submitted for approval, their appearance at the AMAs in January was under review, he had a package that was currently stuck in customs - and then he’d found out his ex-girlfriend was back in Seoul. The anxiety is warranted, he decides.

It’s a few minutes past four pm when his phone buzzes. He feels a jolt in his stomach as he answers. “Hey.”

“Hey. I, uh… I think I’m at the location…” Kaya trails off, sounding unsure. “I can’t see Aldo, though.”

Namjoon swallows; the last time they’d spoken on the phone, she’d sounded very different. His heart skips an uncomfortable beat when he thinks about it.

“Oh.” He clears his throat. “Um, where are you right now?”

“I’m at…” She trails off again, and he pictures her looking around, eyes big and upward. “Okay, I just passed Zara.”

“Okay, just keep walking straight,” he tells her, turning to face the direction he knows she’s coming from. “You’ll see an auditorium kind of thing on your left -“

“There’s just a turn here.

“Yeah, no, you’ll have to cross the street. Be careful,” he adds automatically when he hears a car horn at her end.

She says nothing to that but stays on the line. “Okay, I think I see the auditorium… is that an auditorium?”

“Kind of, I guess. Street musicians, up and comers perform there and stuff.”

“That’s nice. Did you?”

“Still a stage I have yet to conquer. Can you see me?”

“Not yet. It’s pretty crowded. Is there an inflatable Santa near you?”

Namjoon turns slightly on the spot. “There’s a 3D Santa cut-out, if that’s what you’re referring to. There’s, like, three of them, though.” He bites back an unexpected chuckle when she swears under her breath. “Try to look for a banner with the directions to Santa’s Village.”

He can hear her stop in her tracks. “A banner? Everything’s written in Hangul, Joon. Oh, hang on, I think I see shoes - it might be Aldo…”

Namjoon nods wordlessly, trying to ignore his heart racing. He tries to look over the heads of the people on the street, hoping no one recognises him as he looks for Kaya - and spots her. She looks… exactly the same, or more beautiful than every single person in Gangnam put together. Probably both. 

He can hear her murmuring on the phone, trying to look for him as well, but he can barely make out what she’s saying. He’s reminded, inexplicably, of the last time he’d seen a similar sight: London, almost two years ago. They weren’t dating yet, and he’d waited for her by the entrance of his hotel as she arrived from the station. He’d spotted her just like this in the crowd, albeit much later in the night. The moment she’d seen him, her face had broken out into a happy smile, complete with Disney princess eyes, and he’d asked her flat out to be with him two minutes later.

It’s a bittersweet memory. Namjoon blinks rapidly a few times before clearing his throat. “I can see you,” he says, hearing how low his own voice is all of a sudden.  He raises his arm halfway. “I’m here. Right in front of you.”

He registers the moment Kaya sees him. Her mouth stops moving mid-word and she halts for a moment before exhaling slightly and giving him a small, polite smile. They lower their phones at the same time and Kaya continues walking towards him, dropping hers into the small sling bag hanging from her shoulder. He notices her gaze travel up and down his figure before lingering on his chest, and he’s suddenly glad he chose the turtleneck at the last minute.

“It’s cold,” she says when she finally reaches him, rubbing her hands together and shivering slightly. 

He nods, feeling his heart leap unnecessarily. “It’ll get colder,” he informs her. “You look nice,” he says after a moment.

“Thanks. So do you.”

There’s an awkward moment of silence before she exhales. “So this is the coffee place,” she states, looking up at the lit up cart, at the fairy lights, the menu written in both English and Korean - anywhere but him, he notes. 

“Oh - uh, yeah.” He shakes his head. “You should - we should order,” he stutters, fumbling with his wallet as he fishes it out. “Sorry, I know you probably weren’t expecting this, but I couldn’t decide -”

“No, no, it’s totally fine,” she says immediately, the silver hoops in her ears glinting as she shakes her head. “This is nice. I’ll have the hazelnut, I think,” she adds, retrieving her own wallet. “Uh, one hazelnut,” she repeats to the barista, enunciating a bit and holding up a finger before turning to Namjoon.

“Oh, right. One caramel macchiato,” he adds in Korean. He pulls out two bills and is about to place them on the counter when Kaya beats him to it. “Oh, I was going to -”

“That’s alright,” she interrupts, glancing up at him with a stiff smile as though to let him know it’s still good-natured. “I can pay for my own coffee.”

They don’t say much else until two steaming lattes are placed on the counter, smelling warm and cozy. They pick up their drinks, and Namjoon is suddenly faced with the consequences of choosing an establishment with no designated seating area.

“Um…” He looks around, starting to feel a bit silly, before looking back down at her and sighing. “Do you want to walk?” he asks finally.

She seems to have already expected this. With a glint of amusement in her eyes, she nods. “Sure.”

They begin strolling down the sidewalk in Gangnam square. The place is busy and most people are bundled up, meaning it’s one of those rare occasions when Namjoon is likely to make it through unrecognised. He tenses up for a moment when he thinks about the fact that he isn’t alone, but then remembers he has no business caring about that anymore.

“So… how’ve you been?” 

Namjoon looks up, wondering where to begin. He isn’t sure how much of his post break-up state is appropriate to reveal, and if she even wants to know. He can talk about work… but even that could be a delicate topic, given recent events. 

“Not great,” he says finally, surprised at his own honesty. “You?”

She shrugs, once again not meeting his eyes. “About the same.”

He bites his lip. The distance between them, while expected, feels awful - and wrong. Namjoon takes a brave step closer to her. “How did the seminar go? The second one was in October, right?”

Kaya pauses for a fraction of a second before nodding, and Namjoon knows she’s caught the deliberate tone in the question. He doesn’t regret it, though. Forgetting the first one was bad enough; the guilt that had washed over him when he’d realised he’d missed an academic milestone in her life had been one of the last straws for him. 

“It wasn’t bad,” she says, taking a small sip of her drink and cracking a smile. “Went better than the first one. But I got to design the lecture series at the end so I guess it worked out.”

“That’s great,” he replies, meaning it. She seems taller, the top of her head almost reaching his cheek. He looks down to see her boots, long and straight up her legs… swallowing, he looks away. “You didn’t sound so good about the - about the last one,” he adds quickly, wincing a moment later.

“Yeah. That one was… way worse.” Kaya doesn’t say anymore, taking another sip instead. “Coffee’s good.”

“Yeah. We got a bunch of these delivered to the studio about a week ago. Thought you might like it.”

“Right.” She nods. “How, uh, how is the studio? And the collabs?” she tacks on at the end.

Namjoon feels his stomach twist again, his eyes falling to his cup at the mention of what was probably the breaking point of their relationship. Hwasa, Sunmi and IU. In the aftermath of their break-up, it had become increasingly clear to him that this was the core of the issue and yet, it seemed like the one thing they avoided talking about.

Kaya seems to remember, too. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to make it weird,” she mutters. 

He shakes his head. “You didn’t. Don’t worry.”

She bites her lip. “I was genuinely asking. You were working pretty hard.”

I’m working hard, too. And not just at my job.

“They’re in post production now,” he answers as they turn into a quieter street. “Except for one. It came out last month.”

“Oh, really? That’s - that’s great. Must be doing well.”

“It’s doing fine. Just finished promoting it earlier this week.”

“So does that mean you have Christmas off?” Kaya raises her eyebrows. “Must be doing really well.”

Namjoon chuckles. “Yeah, I don’t want to jinx it. I’m going over to my parents’ house tomorrow night. I’ll probably stay there for a few days.”

Their coffees are almost done now; as the sky darkens, they throw their empty cups into a trash can by the sidewalk and continue walking. Namjoon shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket, glad for the momentary warmth. 

“God, it’s colder than usual,” he mutters. “You know what it reminds me of, though?”

She looks up at him with the first genuine smile of the evening. “London?”

Fucking hell. “Yeah, exactly. Except there it was cold and wet.” He shudders. “I don’t know how you made it all the way from the station with a suitcase in that weather.”

Kaya shrugs. “It wasn’t so bad. The hot shower after really helped,” she adds absently.

It’s not super high up in the list of things Namjoon wants to be reminded of right now, the image of her in his shower. What’s up, boyfriend? she’d greeted him when she’d stepped out, wrapped in a towel, her wet hair swept over one shoulder. The memory makes him smile involuntarily.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” He straightens his face. “I read that Sean Scully was touring Europe again. Did you get to go?”

She sighs hugely and groans. “No, work piled up way too much. But, I found out he was going to be in Belgium and he was putting up some of his figurations on sale,” she says, shaking her head already, “and I started saving up - and I mean saving up. And two months later, the sale happened, and the painting was nowhere to be seen.”

“Wow. You know, some of his stuff is in the National Gallery here, too,” he says, pointing generically behind him. “We can - I mean, you should check it out… if you have time,” he adds lamely.

“Yeah, probably. I’ve been checking out more indie stuff lately, though - but, yeah, maybe.”

“Oh, is that why you were in Hongdae yesterday?”

“Yesterday? No, I was there to see a play.”

Namjoon frowns. “In English?”

“Nope.”

He bites his lip, trying not to laugh, but gives up a moment later. “Are you serious?”

“Shut up,” she mutters, looking adorably embarrassed and nudging him with her elbow. “Jae-lin wanted me to come along.”

Ah. “And there was no way you could say no to her,” he finishes in understanding.

“Exactly. Even the best of us have some weak spots.” She peers at something across from him on the other side of the street. “Hey, is that an ATM?” She stops and looks up at him. “Do you mind? I just need to -”

“No, go ahead. I’ll grab a bottle of water.” He watches her jog across the empty street and enter the vestibule before he ducks into the convenience store behind him. It’s easier than he’d expected, being around her - except for the part where he wishes he could forget for a moment that they aren’t together anymore.

As he wordlessly passes the bottle to the cashier, he wonders for what feels like the millionth time in the last three months if this was the right decision. It had felt like it at the time. The snapping and the fighting was becoming more frequent than before, but at least that was mutual. Disappointing her each time was too much, though, and before he knew it, he was doing the one thing to ensure he didn’t hurt her anymore.

“Thank you,” he mutters to the shopkeeper and exits the shop. The cold air hits him again and it feels as though the sky has gotten several shades darker in the last few minutes. His eyes go straight to the ATM, noting two or three more people apparently in line, before he spots Kaya among them. Her uncertain expression, ducked head and hunched shoulders tell him everything he needs to know, and all thoughts of their break-up disappear in an instant.

Striding over, Namjoon registers three other men, two behind her, seemingly chuckling at something the third is saying to Kaya. It’s clear she isn’t able to understand him, but his proximity to her is enough for Namjoon to automatically feel his pulse race in annoyance.

“Which - country?” The third guy says in English, louder and more deliberate. Before Kaya can answer, Namjoon reaches over and wraps his hand around her wrist, gently tugging her out of there. The relief in her face is brief but evident, and she immediately falls into step beside him as they walk away.

“You alright?” he asks in a low voice, dropping her wrist but staying close to her. “Do you have your wallet and everything?”

She nods and exhales, her arm brushing his shoulder. “Yeah,” she murmurs, her voice shaking slightly. “Thanks.” She doesn’t move away from him, not until they turn into a busier street. It’s more brightly lit, with Christmas decorations and fake snow everywhere, and Namjoon can’t help but feel sorry when she finally takes a step to her right and the familiar scent of coconut and vanilla disappears.

They don’t speak again for a while but unlike when they’d initially met at the coffee cart, Namjoon doesn’t feel pressured to make conversation. Some kind of ice between them seems to have broken and he suddenly feels a lot more secure in the fact that she’s here with him, that they’re here together.

“Oh, my God!” Kaya gasps suddenly, halting in her tracks and clutching his arm, and for a moment Namjoon thinks the creepy men are back.

“What?” he asks hurriedly, looking around and automatically stepping closer to her.

She doesn’t seem to notice. “What - the hell - is that?” she stutters, pointing shakily at something in front of her. Namjoon follows her finger, expecting danger, only to find something even more terrifying.

“Oh,” he exhales, running a hand through his hair awkwardly. He wracks his brain for an appropriate explanation but soon gives. “That’s… yeah, that’s a cardboard cut-out of Taehyung.”

Kaya looks up at him incredulously. “It - what?” She turns back to the six foot tall cut-out of Taehyung in a suit, smirking and making a finger heart, before she looks behind it to see the rest of it. 

“Okay, Namjoon, there’s no easy way to ask this,” she begins, taking a step back, “but why is there a shrine to Taehyung in the middle of Seoul?”

Namjoon chuckles, a little embarrassed. “It’s his birthday in a week, so… they do this every year. Birthdays are a big deal around here,” he adds, following her as she gingerly continues down the aforementioned shrine.

“No, I get that,” she says slowly, lightly touching a fringe of sparkly streamers bordering a photo booth. “This is just…” She trails off, looking up at the fake snow and candy canes decorating a line of photo cards and smaller cardboard cut-outs.

“A lot, I know.”

“Kind of sweet,” she finishes. “You know, once you get used to it.” She stops at a wall-sized poster of the entire group, a shot from their last concert in the summer. Namjoon isn’t sure, but he thinks her gaze is lingering on him in the corner, hair a lighter blond than it is now.

My man looks so fucking sexy in a suit.

“What about you?”

It takes Namjoon a moment to focus. “Uh, what about me?”

“Does this happen for everyone’s birthday?” She raises her eyebrows playfully. “Was there a life-size Kim Namjoon here, too?”

“God, no,” he says, shuddering a bit. “Although there is a graffiti drawing of my face back in Ilsan. It’s actually pretty good!” he exclaims when she laughs, feeling his cheeks grow warm. “I’ve only seen pictures, anyway. I guess I’ll see it when I go back tomorrow.”

“Spend some good old quality time with it?”

“Not that much time. Our schedule starts on the…” He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to recall. “Twenty-eighth, I think. Need to double check that.” He opens his eyes to see Kaya frowning.

“You’re working on New Year’s?”

“Yeah,” he says, shrugging. “New Year’s Eve special in New York. Holidays, birthdays… doesn’t really matter,” he adds, hearing a note of bitterness in his own voice. He stops by a pop-up stall. “Honestly, it’s a miracle we got Christmas off.”

Kaya stops beside him, facing him slightly. “I’m sorry,” she says after a moment. “About your birthday. I didn’t forget,” she clarifies when he looks up. “I thought about texting or something, but… it was just too soon.”

Namjoon nods, feeling his heart clench a little. That hadn’t been a good day. “I get it. It was less than a week after… everything.”

“Yeah. Didn’t think you’d be working, though.”

“I didn’t mind. Kept me occupied.”

She bites her lip, glancing over at the collectibles. Namjoon watches her, recalling with a heavy heart just how much he’d been hoping she’d call. It hadn’t been fair to expect it, given that he’d ended things just a few days prior. He’d tried to do it as amicably as possible, tried to reassure her that it had nothing to do with how he felt - it was just a consequence of their situation. Long time coming, he’d said. Despite that, he’d kept his phone on all day, hoping that at least special events would mean he could hear her voice again. 

“I did… wait,” he confesses after a moment. “I thought we ended on good terms.”

Kaya exhales, and he can see her defenses go up. “We did. That’s why we’re here right now.”

“Three months later.”

“Yeah, well. I needed time to process it,” she counters, folding her arms across her chest. “You really caught me off guard.”

Namjoon lowers his head, unsurprised at her astute observation. He had caught her off guard - and not accidentally. He can still remember the rain in the background, the sound of the people around her as he revealed what he’d been thinking for a few days by then. Most of all, he can remember how confused she’d sounded. That had been the worst part: her confusion. Sadness, anger, denial; he would’ve chosen all of them over her uncertainty, how she’d taken a few minutes to realise what he was proposing, by which time it was too late to argue.

“I wouldn’t have been able to go through it otherwise,” he confesses quietly.

After what seems like several minutes, Kaya sighs. “Well. In the spirit of processing things,” she begins, and he looks up to see her reaching for one of the small stuffed toys on the cart, “a belated happy birthday.” She hands it to him.

“Thanks. And thank you for…” He looks down at the toy and back up at her. “... for this stuffed doll of Taehyung?”

“A stuffed doll of Taehyung holding a wreath,” she points out, jabbing a finger at the plastic decoration. “And wearing a Santa hat.”

“Wow. This is, uh…” He looks back at the doll, stitched down to immaculate detail. “... so terrifying.”

Kaya laughs. “What are you talking about? He’s a good-looking kid.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want a voodoo doll of him staring at me while I’m, like, changing or something.”

“Well, that’s your punishment for breaking up with me while I was running late to class,” she says lightly, already handing cash to the shopkeeper.

“Fair enough,” he mutters, stuffing the silly doll deep into the pocket of his jacket as they begin walking away.

“So?” she continues as they stroll down the street. “How are the other guys?”

“Good, mostly. Pretty tired.” 

“And your parents? Your family and everyone?”

“Also good.” He pauses. “My mom asked about you.”

“She did?” Kaya sounds surprised.

“Yeah,” he answers, nodding. “Nothing specific. Just how you were doing and stuff.”

She’s quiet for a moment, hands tucked into her elbows. “You didn’t tell her?”

“Not yet.” Namjoon bites his lip, realising only at this moment, that it’s because he was hoping he wouldn’t have to at all. “Guess I’ll have to, soon enough.”

“Believe it or not, it was hard to tell my mom, too.” She squeezes his forearm sympathetically. “Although, if I’m being honest, the hardest person to break it to was Jae-lin,” she adds.

He snickers. “Really?”

“Yup. And not to pressure you or anything, but she’s expecting some seriously deep music to drop soon.”

His heart jolts uncomfortably. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

When he says no more, he notices Kaya give him a curious sideways glance. “And speaking of my sixteen year old cousin’s obsessions,” she begins, the forced upward lilt in her voice evident, “what about Taehyung and Dilara Komyshan?”

“Oh, who knows with them,” he replies absently, stretching out his neck before looking back down to see her raised eyebrows. “No, they’re dating now. Officially.”

“Wow. Score. For Tae, I mean,” she clarifies.

“I agree. They went on some trip or something recently.”

“Ah, the honeymoon phase,” she says knowingly, shaking her head. “Children.”

“He’s happy now. And I mean too happy,” grumbles Namjoon. “He’s smiling into his phone all the time like an idiot; I swear, he looks high.”

Kaya snorts. “Wow, single people really are bitter.” When he doesn’t respond, she looks up, biting her lip awkwardly. “Too weird?”

He winces theatrically. “A little bit.”

She chuckles. “Sorry.” 

They stop at a traffic light, waiting to cross the street. The sky is dark now, but the area has never looked more lively. Namjoon is suddenly glad he asked her to meet today; the closer Seoul gets to Christmas, the prettier it looks.

Which reminds him.

He glances at her beside him; they’re both standing tilted towards each other, almost automatically. To anyone else, it might look like they’re midway in conversation. 

“By the way,” he begins, shifting to face her. She does the same, her silver hoops catching the light again. Namjoon pauses; there’s a certain science to this, a certain combination of elements that will get him the reaction he wants - or at least the one he’s hoping for.

“Yeah?”

Hands deep in his pockets, he lowers his head slightly to look her in the eyes. Disney princess eyes. His blond hair falls onto his forehead and he gives her a small smile, just enough for a dimple to appear. His gaze drops to her mouth before meeting her eyes again. 

“You look really pretty,” he says, meaning it, hearing his voice low and deep. The flicker in her eyes makes his heart race, but he holds it, waiting for her response. 

“Thanks. You look…” Kaya swallows visibly and her gaze falls, lingering near his chest for a moment. Thank God for the damn turtleneck. Namjoon is almost anxious at how she’ll finish her sentence.

“... really pretty, too.”

“Huh.” He nods. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” She pauses, clearly awkward. “The blond suits you,” she adds, reaching up as if to touch his hair but stopping herself at the last moment.

“Yeah, it’s, uh… the stylists like it,” he replies lamely, running his fingers through his long hair.

“They’re doing a good job, I guess. You’re looking thinner,” she murmurs, her eyes on his chest and shoulders before they dart up to him. “Not in a bad way,” she says quickly. “Or - or a good way. I was just… it was just an observation.” She shakes her head. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“It’s okay,” he says simply, placing a light hand on her back as they cross the road. “I haven’t had a lot of time to hit the gym lately. I’ve lost a bit of muscle mass. What about you?” he asks after a moment, feeling his gaze drop to her hips as she walks a step ahead of him, before averting them with an effort.

She turns around and waits for him to catch up, raising her eyebrows. “Am I losing muscle mass?”

“No, are you… you know. Taking care of yourself and everything,” he clarifies. “Eating well, locking your door… that stuff.”

She laughs without humour. “Remember when I told you I was saving up for that Sean Scully painting? Yeah, that means two whole months of nothing but instant noodles.”

Namjoon stares at her, unamused, until she looks up at him. “Are you serious right now?”

Kaya raises her eyebrows. “Are you? Do you seriously think you get to lecture me on a healthy diet?”

“God, I hate it when you have a point.”

“Which is often,” she says fairly, nudging his shoulder playfully. She looks around then, frowning slightly. “Wait, I thought we were going to your car. How far away did you park it?”

“Not that far, actually. There’s a shorter route through the alleys inside,” he explains. “I just thought you might… feel safer this way. Out in the open.”

He wonders for a moment if he’s made it weird again, for he can’t decipher Kaya’s expression. She licks her lips and looks at the ground, but before he can begin getting anxious about it, she looks up.

“I always feel safe with you,” she says calmly, gesturing for him to start walking again.

As he falls into step beside her, Namjoon feels, for the first time all evening, as though he finally knows what he wants. He sees her hand by her side as she walks, half-covered by the sleeve of her dark striped sweater, her nails painted black. 

He imagines what it would be like to hold it; lightly at first, fingers grazing her palm before linking their fingers together. Holding it tight then, tugging her closer to him, feeling her long hair brush his chest… for a moment, Namjoon feels like crying.

“Wow, I didn’t realise how hungry I was.” 

Kaya breaks him out of his reverie, and he looks up to see her peering at a passing tteokbeoki stall. 

“Do you want to get some?” he asks, although he can’t imagine eating anything right now.

She waves her hand. “No, I’m good. Ji-eun’s making dinner and she’ll kill me if I ruin it.”

“Yeah? What’s she making?”

“Not sure. Something with noodles.”

Namjoon laughs. “Sounds about right. She may have grown up in America but she’s Korean at heart.”

“Completely.” Kaya shivers as a cold wind blows. “And Korean by blood, clearly, because there is no way winters back home were this cold.”

“Yeah, the winds are a bit harsh,” he acknowledges fairly. “Why did you decide to visit in the winter anyway? There’s a reason tourism is at an all-time low this time of the year.”

“Oh… my mom wanted to visit. Said she wanted to spend Christmas with family.”

There’s something off in Kaya’s tone, but Namjoon doesn’t want to pry. Not too blatantly, at least.

“Don’t you usually go to Connecticut to spend Christmas with her?” he asks.

“Yeah.” She nods, falling quiet for a few seconds. “She’s dating this guy,” she blurts out. “And they’ve been going out for a few months and it sounded like everything was fine, but I think - and I’m pretty sure I’m right - that he asked her to spend Christmas with his family. And it freaked her out,” she finishes, breathing slightly heavily.

Namjoon doesn’t say anything for a moment. From the way the words tumbled out of her mouth, it’s clear she’s been waiting to talk about it.

“Is it the dating part?” he asks gently.

“No,” she mumbles, looking at the ground as she steps within the tiles. “My dad’s been gone ten years, you know? I’m glad she’s dating. But when she does things like this, I know it’s because she’s scared. And I just wish she wasn’t.”

He frowns. “Did she actually tell you about him asking her to come over for Christmas?”

She opens her mouth but deflates. “Not exactly,” she admits. “But I know I’m right. The way she sounded, the words she used - she was avoiding talking about it.”

Like mother, like daughter. “Why don’t you just ask her?” he suggests. “You and your mom are close, aren’t you?”

She bites her lip and shakes her head. “I can’t tell her what to do. It’s not up to me to tell her how to move on from her dead husband.”

Namjoon touches her elbow, wishing he could do so much more. “I didn’t say to tell her anything. I said you could ask her. She knows you just want her to be happy, right?”

Kaya swallows, stopping as the parking lot comes into sight. “And then what? We talk about it? Because I’m such an expert on how to be happy?”

There’s a moment of heartbreaking silence before she looks up and blinks. “Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to dump all this on you.”

He frowns. “It’s okay -“

“No, it’s not. This isn’t your problem anymore, and we don’t -“

“Kaya.” He gives her a look when she stops talking abruptly. “You know, I didn’t intend for… this to mean that we cut each other out of our lives. You can still talk to me,” he says earnestly. He sighs and looks at his feet. “I know there are still things that I can't talk about with anyone but you,” he admits quietly.

He watches her expression change from confusion to curiosity, and then to a kind of concern. Her shoulder makes a movement and he wonders wildly, hopefully, if she meant to reach for him.

“Like what?” she asks softly.

Now that she’s asked, the words seem impossible to say. Namjoon looks down at his hands, feeling months worth of anxiety creep in again.

“I think I’m losing my touch,” he says finally, still not looking up at her. “With songwriting, producing… everything. I’m not… I can’t…” He trails off, wincing in irritation as he struggles to recall English words for his exact emotions. “I can’t write anymore. And the more I can’t… the more I have no idea who I am anymore.”

From the corner of his eye, he sees Kaya watching him closely, her forehead in a frown. “Why?”

“I don’t know. The words just aren’t coming. The music… I can’t hear it in my head the same -“

“No, I meant,” she interrupts him, and gives him an apologetic look when he meets her eyes again. “I meant… why don’t you know who you are anymore?”

“Because if I’m in the studio for hours and hours and I can’t actually… produce anything, or create anything, then what the hell am I doing in there?” If I’m in the studio for hours and hours, what does it all matter if I don’t have you?

“Joon…” She takes a step closer to him. “You’re… it’s recency bias. You’ve been producing great stuff all year. Didn’t BTS just win, like, five awards at the MAMAs?”

“Yeah, but not for anything I wrote,” he counters immediately. “And that’s fine. We always win for the popular hits, and that’s fine with me. I just… I can’t write anymore,” he says in a small voice. “The words aren’t coming.”

Her eyes flicker, as though searching for the right words. He knows it’s far out of left field for her, that a lot of his work is something she can’t contribute a lot to, choosing to primarily listen. 

“Well…” She sounds a bit uncertain. “What did you write about before?”

He shrugs, looking away. “Just stuff. Things that made me happy, things that made me sad.”

“And you don’t have those things anymore?”

Namjoon doesn’t know how much clearer he can make it without risking losing even the last remaining fragments of her in his life. “Not the ones that make me happy,” he states, meeting her gaze.

Somewhere, a Christmas carol begins on a loudspeaker, sleigh bells in the background. Bright lights flicker on, jerking them out of their conversation.

Kaya takes a step back, exhaling shakily. “It’s getting colder,” she mutters. “Is that your car?” she asks, tilting her head towards something behind him. Before he can answer, she begins walking over.

Namjoon follows her slowly, knowing their conversation is over. He waits until he’s a few feet away from the car to open it. She doesn’t enter immediately, though; looking up at him from across the bonnet of his Mercedes, she gives him a small, sad sort of smile.

“I’m glad you messaged me yesterday,” she says softly.

“So am I.” He swallows, his heart sinking at the realisation that their evening is at an end, whether he wants it to be or not. “Come on. Let’s get you home before Jieun kills you.”

—

“And he crosses the finish line,” murmurs Kaya in humour as Namjoon slowly pulls into Jieun’s driveway before stopping the car. There’s teasing in her tone, but also a hint of pride, for he really has come a long way since she’d first started teaching him how to drive two years ago.

He doesn’t look at her, though, choosing to stare out of the windshield with a pensive look on his face - the same one he’s had for the entire drive.

Kaya deflates slightly. “Thanks for the ride.”

“How could I have let you go?” 

It’s a whisper, but on a quiet street and inside a crowded car, it feels like he’s shouted it from the rooftops. Kaya says nothing, choosing to stare at her lap instead, for she isn’t altogether surprised. The way he’d begun looking at her as the evening progressed, eyes softer and warmer with each minute, some of the things he’d said; the poet in him might have thought he was being subtle, but Kaya knew him well enough to know where his mind was at.

Namjoon, meanwhile, is still in the midst of his crisis. “How - how could I have thought that was the right decision? How could you have let me?”

She bristles. “What?”

“No, I’m - I’m not… I’m not actually blaming you,” he stutters, glancing briefly at her, as though just remembering he’s not alone. “I just can’t believe…” He sighs, running a hand over his face. “God, I fucked up.”

When she’d gotten the call three months ago, her first emotion had been surprise. It had been a long time since Namjoon had called her, despite his best efforts to. Their conversations had turned terse and short, with more passive aggressive statements going back and forth than actual talk about their lives. 

It had been a busy day and Kaya already had a lot on her mind, so when he’d broken up with her with barely any warning during a busy evening on campus, she’d been furious. Not at first; no, at first she’d been confused, then in denial, then in class, then busy - very busy - until something had finally forced her to face the fact that she’d been dumped over the phone by the love of her life.

He’d said many things, the first being that he loved her. He missed her, cared about her, and hated being a dick to her - so he wasn’t going to do it anymore. Throughout, through all the sadness and heartbreak, her anger at how he’d deliberately chosen a Wednesday evening in Amsterdam time to break up with her was the worst, because he’d more or less ensured that she wouldn’t be able to argue back.

I wouldn’t have been able to go through with it otherwise.

It’s probably true, and Kaya remembers being annoyed by it even a couple of hours ago. Now, though, surprisingly, she finds herself wanting to comfort him.

“Namjoon -”

“No, you know what?” He interrupts her. “I know I was wrong. I know I was too busy and I wasn’t making the time, and I was taking out my stress on you, but -” He shakes his head, and she realises he’s glaring at her. “You weren’t being honest about what was really bothering you.”

She raises her eyebrows. “I - what?”

He gives her a look, indicating he isn’t fooled. “You know what I’m talking about, Kaya.”

“No, I don’t. And… we don’t need to talk about this,” she mutters hurriedly, unbuckling her seatbelt when he grabs her wrist.

“Wait, come on,” he says quickly, stopping her. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to start a fight. Or maybe I am,” he says after a moment. “If that’s what it’ll take to finally talk about this.”

Kaya hesitates. “You talk about this stuff when you’re together,” she reminds him in a low voice. “And we’re not together.”

“I know.” He gives her a long look, almost pleading, before speaking again, slower and more deliberate. “I’m saying… I want to talk about it.”

“Fine,” she says finally, sitting back in her seat. “Go ahead.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Me?”

“Yes. You’re the one who wants to talk about it.”

“No, I want you to admit what was really bothering you,” he corrects her, giving her a knowing look.

She frowns, puzzled, even as her heart begins to race uncomfortably. “What are you talking about? We were apart, there was distance… wasn’t that the whole problem?”

“That’s a pretty macro way to look at it.” When she gives him a look, he nods, satisfied. “That’s right. I didn’t date an Economics research student for a year and half and not learn a few words along the way.”

Kaya’s mouth twists as she tries to suppress a smile. “No way. You’re not allowed to make me laugh right now.” When he raises his hands in apology and gestures for her to continue, his dimple still faintly visible, she sighs. “Fine. It was… it felt like it was waiting for the other shoe to drop, okay? Long distance is always hard, and we made it last for a really long time.” She shakes her head forlornly. “It was like watching a tornado approach. I guess I just wanted to spare myself the pain of a long, gruesome… demise of a relationship.” 

Namjoon folds his arms across his chest. “You’re lying.”

Her eyes widen. “What? What are you - how dare you -”

“Kaya, don’t fuck with me, alright? I can read between the lines - I basically already know what it is, so why don’t you just admit it?”

“I am,” she exclaims defiantly. “I was afraid, we weren’t talking, we were drifting apart - what else is there?”

“Why were you afraid?”

“Why is anyone ever afraid in a relationship, Namjoon?”

“No, why were you afraid - and why did it come up only when I started working on my collabs?”

“Because I was afraid you were going to cheat on me!” Kaya huffs and sinks back into her seat, glaring out the window as she feels the corners of her eyes prickling at the memory. 

Neither of them speaks for a few moments. It feels like the invisible wall that’s existed between them all evening has finally been broken down, wrecking ball and all, to leave a pile of cold, hard truths.

“Why didn’t you say something?” he asks finally. He doesn’t sound satisfied; on the contrary, he sounds almost disappointed. It breaks her heart just a little.

“Because it’s humiliating to admit that,” she mutters, still not looking at him. “Because if there was one thing that made us work, it was that neither of us was clingy. But if I started acting insecure just because you were suddenly working long hours with beautiful women, then -” She shrugs, feeling ridiculous. “I was officially a clingy girlfriend.”

“Clingy? Kaya, you’re as far from clingy as a partner can be. We both are - we work crazy hours, we’ve gone days without talking and it never mattered. I could never think you’re a clingy girlfriend. And I would never cheat on you,” he adds firmly. 

Something settles in Kaya’s chest. “You know, that’s all I needed to hear?” she says, finally looking up at him. He looks almost wounded, his blond bangs thick and falling onto his forehead. “I didn’t actually think you would go ahead and - and have an affair or anything. I just needed that reassurance - I would’ve believed you in a second. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I wasn’t sure – but I suspected it. And honestly, I was a little insulted,” he adds sullenly, “because I didn’t think I’d ever given you a reason to doubt me.”

The truth of that statement is too painful, enough to make Kaya fall silent. “I’m sorry,” she murmurs abashedly. “I was too proud to say it. It’s just… these things happen. When there’s distance and stress and - and then there’s physical distance… it’s not outlandish to think something could happen. I don’t know how it works with celebrities,” she adds, shrugging heavily. “I just know I see a different story on Just Jared every other day and… well, we’ve already established that I was afraid,” she finishes, not knowing what else to say. “I was being crazy.”

She can feel Namjoon’s gaze on her, but she doesn’t look up until he sighs and touches her hand.

“You weren’t being crazy. I mean, I thought you were,” he amends, giving her a momentary smile, “but… okay, after we broke up, I was in the studio with Sunmi, right? And I must have looked like hell because she asked me if I’d had a fight with my girlfriend. It was too hard to correct her, so I - I didn’t,” he admits, wincing slightly.

“Anyway… then, out of the blue, she told me she had a boyfriend. And then a minute after that, she told me wasn’t bragging, but she was making it clear that nothing could happen between us. And then I was, like, what? and she said that in her experience, whenever two people had problems with their partners, they ended up hooking up. And she had no intention of doing so with me while we were both in committed relationships,” he finishes, shaking his head a bit. “So, no. You weren’t crazy.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

Kaya picks at a loose thread on her black jeans. It’s cathartic for all this to finally come out, but she can’t help but feel as though it’s only given their separation a kind of finality. Now that you’ve talked about it, you can move on in peace.

“I really missed you,” she murmurs, not looking at him. “And it felt like you didn’t, not as much. It seemed like the first time we weren’t in sync, you know?” She shrugs, her throat starting to tighten. “It scared me.”

“Kaya, you have no idea how much I missed you,” says Namjoon heavily. He doesn’t say the next bit, but it seems like a logical completion.

“God. Imagine if we’d just had this conversation back then,” he laments, running a tired hand through his hair. 

“Yeah. You can cut yourself some slack, though,” she adds, glancing up at him meekly. “We both fucked up.”

Namjoon nods, giving her that same longing look that he’d begun when they’d entered Santa’s Village in Gangnam, before looking away. 

“Have you… you know. Moved on?” he ventures, giving her a sideways glance.

She shrugs. “Define moved on.”

“You know. Are you - are you dating anyone?”

Am I ever. “Well,” she begins, taking note of how his shoulders stiffen next to her, “there was this grad student who tried to kiss me in the library, after which I ran away and cried for half an hour in the girls’ bathroom.” She raises her eyebrows. “Does that count?”

Namjoon’s head darts around to look at her. “He did what? Are you okay? Are you - did he hurt you?”

“What? No, no - it wasn’t like that,” she says immediately, shaking her head. “It was the day after you broke up with me and I hadn’t quite had the time to… deal with it yet,” she explains, giving him a reproachful look. “And I guess I’d mentioned sometime offhandedly that I was single, which he seemed to take as permission to try something and… then I told him to get lost.”

Dude, I have a boyfriend! had been her exact words to him, once she’d pushed him away and wiped her mouth in horror. 

No, you don’t! he’d retorted, a lanky, brown-haired guy with glasses, sounding more confused than anything. 

It had taken someone else to yell it at her for it to sink in, deeply, hurtfully, all the way down at the bottom of her stomach that she, indeed, did not have a boyfriend anymore, that Kim Namjoon was no longer hers - and everyone knew it.

“Why - why did you cry?” Namjoon asks, a note of concern audible.

“Because it felt weird, kissing someone else,” she admits, unable to look at him. “Felt wrong. Like I was cheating on you. What about you?” she asks after a moment. “Have you moved on?”

Namjoon gives her a look. “Does it look like I’ve moved on?”

“Uh-uh. This is not a topic where you can give me a cryptic answer like that.”

He sighs hugely. “No, Kaya, I haven’t,” he clarifies, almost indulgently. “It’s going to take a lot more than three months to move on from you.”

She tries to ignore how her heart zooms at his words, but it’s impossible. Clenching her jaw to keep from smiling, she takes a deep breath. “Wow, we were really late having this conversation,” she echoes his previous remark.

There’s a pregnant pause, with a world of possibilities visible in a single second.

“It doesn’t have to be,” murmurs Namjoon, and the hope in his voice makes her heart skip a beat. He waits for her to look at her. “What do you think? Can we give this another shot, baby?”

Screw you, Kim Namjoon. Kaya hates and loves in equal measure just how well he knows the right words to say to her. Her stomach flutters - butterflies, probably - while a warmth seems to course through her entire body, down to the tips of her fingers.

His face is inches away from hers. In the darkness of the car, with only the Christmas lights from Jieun’s house being the lone bright spot, and she tries to recall the last time he’d ever kissed her.

“I think…” She trails off, unable to think straight with how intensely he’s watching her. She tries again. “I think… I can’t have this conversation with that creepy doll staring at me.”

When Namjoon glances in confusion at the Taehyung doll they’d propped up on the dashboard before they’d begun driving, Kaya uses the opportunity to open her car door and step out. She hears him chuckle before following suit, and goes around the front of the car to join him by the driver’s side where he’s leaning against the door.

“Told you it was a creepy-ass doll.”

“And you were right.” Kaya stops in front of him and almost wishes she’d risked staying inside with the stupid doll. Tall and broad-shouldered, he suddenly takes her breath away. Maybe it’s the black turtleneck and grey jacket combination, maybe it’s the blond hair falling into his eyes and brushing the top of his collar, maybe it’s the familiar, woodsy cologne that she’s only noticed now that they’re out of the car. Either way, she can’t speak for a moment.

“So?” He raises his eyebrows, looking earnest and hopeful and heartbreakingly handsome all at once. “Do you think we can try this again?”

She shivers. “I…” It’s getting harder to breathe, and not just because of how he looks. This is so much more complicated than he’s making it sound. “I think.. we should sleep on it.”

Namjoon raises his eyebrows, apparently processing her answer.

She tries not to hurry her next words. “Look, I know we got all our issues out right now, but… our problems, they’re not going to go away. It’s still going to be the long distance thing, we’ll still have rough patches because of work… and I don’t think I can go through this break-up again.”

He frowns at the ground. “Why do you think we’ll break up again?” he asks, and she can tell he’s working to keep his tone neutral.

“Because making up this time isn’t going to last,” she says softly. He drags his gaze to look up at her then, and she can tell that he knows she’s right. “I just think… I think if we’re going to think about getting back together, we need to have some kind of view on - on what’s going to happen.” She swallows, wondering if he’s caught on to her hesitance to say the word. “Our situation… there’s a lot to think about. And I’m not just talking about the long distance.”

After what feels like an eternity, he nods. “That’s fair,” he says, but she thinks she can sense an undertone of disappointment. “It was just easy to forget, you know?” He shrugs and drops his gaze.

“I know.” And she did. She’d been starting to forget as well; it was too natural to fall into old habits. The way he’d rescued her from the guys at the ATM, the way she’d offered him the chocolate candy that came with her coffee without thinking, how he’d pulled her behind him when he thought he’d noticed someone pointing their phone at him; each of those moments had felt like déjà vu, except totally and completely real.

“That’s what made us kind of great,” she points out after a moment, wrapping her jacket tightly around her. “We always kept each other grounded.”

“So we’re sleeping on it?” Namjoon asks after a moment, looking up.

Kaya nods. “Yeah. Just so we’re sure.”

“I’m leaving for Ilsan tomorrow,” he reminds her.

“Good. That gives us a deadline.” 

“Right.” Namjoon exhales. “I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow, then.” He turns to open the door behind him when something grips at her heart.

“Wait, um -“ She breaks off, turning to glance at the house for a moment. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”

As expected, he shakes his head. “Oh, I - I couldn’t. But thanks.”

“I’m serious. Jieun always makes a ton of food.”

“Yeah, but…” Namjoon looks unsure. “I don’t think I’ll be welcome, right? Your ex-boyfriend… having dinner with your family?”

Kaya has never hated that word more, but she rallies. “I’m inviting you,” she points out. “And no one is going to make you feel unwelcome, I promise. They all love you. Please?” she appeals again. “I… I don’t want the evening to be over just yet.”

That seems to do the trick. Namjoon tilts his head the same way he always does when he wants to give her something but is prevented from it. “I - are you sure? You’re really close with your aunt. And your cousin.”

“Jieun’s always liked you. And believe me, with Jae-lin there, I’ll only be the second happiest person in that house if you join,” she informs him, rolling her eyes. He chuckles and her heart flutters at the sight of his dimple. “My mom’s inside. You should say hi.”

After a moment, he nods. “Okay. Let’s go,” he says, taking a step towards her, his hand gently hovering over her back as they make their way to the house. “I really do think you should ask Jieun, though. Just in case.”

“Jesus, don’t worry…”

“No, but what if she actually says no…”

—

Jieun doesn’t say no. In fact, Kaya’s aunt, more like a sister to her than her actual cousin sister, seems only mildly surprised but tells him he’s welcome. Her husband Jack seems not to notice anything strange at all, while Jae-lin seems absolutely thrilled that Namjoon is back.

“Oh, no, not - not exactly,” Kaya had said when Jae-lin had asked, point blank, if they were back together. There had been no further explanation, and her cousin had been enlisted to set the table and minimise the awkwardness.

“Sorry,” she’d muttered to Namjoon as they reached the dining table, looking up to see him both relieved and amused.

“Don’t worry about it,” he’d replied softly, reaching out behind her to pull out a chair and taking the one next to her. All through dinner, it felt as though nothing had changed, really. Jieun seemed to be enjoying some private joke as she watched them, sharing knowing looks with Kaya’s mother across the table, while Jae-line monopolised Namjoon completely, chattering away in Korean with no attention to anyone else.

Namjoon, ever the gentleman, engaged her fully; there wasn’t a moment where he tried to stop the conversation, his arm on the back of Kaya’s chair the entire time. Kaya stayed in conversation with Jack and her mother as much as she could, hoping that they wouldn’t allude to the situation at all.

Meeting her mother’s gaze was the hardest - not because Kaya was afraid she would disapprove, but because of how openly happy she looked. 

“Mom, we’re not back together yet,” she’d murmured halfway through dinner, when her mother had given her yet another glowing, knowing, mom look.

“I know,” she’d replied, glancing at Namjoon over Kaya’s shoulder, “but you want to be.”

Did she? Kaya didn’t know. She was sure what she felt for him, even what he possibly felt for her. She knew they were happy with each other, understood each other, had an unimaginable amount of affection for each other. 

But she didn’t know if she could do this again. As she sat next to Namjoon, feeling their shoulders brush occasionally and hearing his deep laugh next to her, she knew that “sleeping on it” would be far easier said than done.

“Thank you for dinner,” he says an hour later, bowing slightly to Jieun, Jack and her mother. “I had a great time.”

“I’ll walk you out,” says Kaya quickly, already turning towards the door, when Jae-lin pipes up.

“Oh, I’ll come, too!” she volunteers excitedly in English, and before anyone can say anything, sweeps by them and opens the front door. 

A moment of silence follows before Namjoon speaks. “Sure, lead the way,” he says, smiling at her and squeezing Kaya’s hand apologetically. It’s the only thing that keeps Kaya from saying anything, even as the three of them exit the house into the cold night.

She trails behind them, arms folded across her chest, as she listens to them converse in Korean again. For all she knows, Jae-lin has just resumed their conversation from dinner, the words blending into each other for Kaya. With Korean-American parents, Jae-lin speaks both Korean and English with ease. Right now, though, Kaya wishes she would just stop speaking.

“Wow, what a sexy car,” says Jae-lin in wonder, running her hand on the smooth metal of the bonnet. She looks up to see Kaya glaring at her with a hand on her hip. “What?” she asks defensively. “We all use that word, unnie.”

Kaya stares at her. “Hey, Jae? Can you give us a minute?”

Jae-lin’s eyes flit between her cousin and Namjoon before they widen suddenly, as though she’s just realising she might be interrupting. “Oh! Yes, of course! I - uh, good night, Namjoon oppa,” she adds hastily and hurries away. 

Kaya watches her until she enters the house before turning around to face Namjoon. “God, what a nightmare,” she mutters, rolling her eyes when he guffaws. “Shut up.”

“You shut up. You love her,” he says easily, still grinning.

“And you’re a saint.”

“Yeah, because you love her.” He leans back against his car again, the same way he was before. “And not to take a leaf out of Jae-lin’s book, but you looked really sexy being all strict with her.”

Kaya raises her eyebrows, feeling an old, familiar stirring in her abdomen. “Really?”

His smile gets wider. “Uh-huh.”

“I guess it’s a good quality for someone who’s working to be a professor one day.”

“Uh-uh. With a bunch of horny college students? They aren’t going to hear a word you say if you look at them like that,” he argues, taking a step closer to her.

The stirring passes from her abdomen to between her legs in an instant. “Okay, no. No flirting tonight,” she mutters, placing a hand on his chest and pushing him away. “Not when we’re in this… limbo.”

His jaw drops teasingly. “No flirting at all?”

“No. It’s supposed to be a serious night, to think. With the… thinking. And stuff.”

“Good call on those three glasses of wine during dinner.”

She sighs and drops her head in her hands. “I was nervous. But I’m okay, really,” she insists honestly, straightening up as he gently pries her hands away from her face.

Namjoon doesn’t say anything, just smiles at her fondly, his hands in the pockets of his jacket. It tugs at her heart, how transparent he’s being with his feelings. She’d seen it earlier in the evening, too, when they’d been navigating the market square to locate his car.

They’d stopped to open the map on his phone and Kaya had moved closer to him to be able to see the screen. All of a sudden, she’d heard him say something in Korean and looked up to see him smiling at an older couple who were walking away. Just before they disappeared from sight, the man had caught her eye and pointed upward. Slightly confused, she’d tilted her head up to see a sprig of mistletoe hanging from the wooden structure of the pop-up stall next to them.

Namjoon hadn’t said anything then either, choosing to simply suppress a smile and look somewhere near her shoulder, leaving the ball in her court. His you look pretty stunt was still burnt in her mind, though, so without too much thought, she’d reached up and pressed a kiss to his cheek before continuing walking.

It’s the same look now, the one where he seems to be on the verge of throwing caution to the wind. But she knows him too well, enough to know that caution is something he doesn’t play around with.

“Kaya…”

“Sleep on it,” she interrupts softly. “Seriously. It’ll be better.”

He looks for a moment as though he’s about to argue but at the last second simply nods. “Your hair’s longer,” he comments, fingering the ends of her loose, dark hair.

“Yeah. I’ll have to cut it soon.”

“Don’t. It’s beautiful.”

Kaya sighs. “Joon, you’re making this really hard,” she complains softly, her gaze dropping to his chest. She imagines him pulling her into it, feeling the hug she’s needed for months now.

“Sorry.” He swallows, just as a tune begins playing. His eyes light up in surprise. “Wait, do you know this song?”

“Uh… no,” she answers, frowning at the unfamiliar melody. It sounds like it’s coming from Jieun’s bedroom, but she can neither recall nor understand the lyrics. “Do you?”

“Yeah,” he says immediately, glancing up at the same window. “It’s pretty popular. It came out a long time ago, though. Like, when I was a baby.”

“Huh.” She listens for a few seconds. “Very Phil Collins,” she remarks.

Namjoon bites his lips and smiles, the dimple popping gorgeously. “You know what this reminds me of?”

Kaya grins despite herself. “Let me guess,” she begins deliberately as she lets him take her hand. “London?”

He chuckles, wrapping his other arm around her waist. “Hey, I can’t help it if London has so many good memories,” he reasons, his feet already moving in a rough rhythm. 

She laughs but doesn’t argue, choosing to enjoy how he feels against her for a few precious minutes - quite possibly the last few minutes that she’ll ever feel it. She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment before opening them, only to see a light over his shoulder.

“Oh, God. Can we not do this where the neighbour can see us from his bathroom?” she groans, starting to step away., 

Namjoon tugs her even closer. “No one’s watching us. It’s Christmas Eve; they have better things to do.”

“Actually, it’s Christmas Eve-Eve and - okay, we’re in direct eyeline of the main road. Namjoon, what if someone sees you - oh, my God!”

Kaya’s feet leave the ground all of a sudden and after two large strides, Namjoon places her back down on the ground, arm firm around her. She bursts into giggles, stifling them against his shoulder as she regains her balance, looking up to see them under the tree in Jieun’s front yard, the fairy lights giving them a warm glow.

“Is that better?” he asks, laughing.

“Much better,” she agrees, feeling her heart expand as she moves right up against him, holding his shoulder and pressing a kiss to his collarbone as the song continues playing.

“Good,” he murmurs, his lips at her hair. 

It isn’t a long song; Kaya’s just about registering how good he feels, how familiar, how safe, when the music fades away. They don’t step away from each other, though. She rests her forehead on his shoulder, hoping another song will play - anything to keep this moment going on a bit longer.

It doesn’t, but they still don’t move. She can feel Namjoon’s heartbeat against her hand, the one he’s clasping against his chest. 

“Do you still love me?” he asks quietly.

Just like yesterday when he’d texted unexpectedly, taking the initial step, displaying the first hints of vulnerability, Kaya feels every strip of remaining defensiveness fall away, leaving nothing but raw honesty behind. 

“Yes,” she admits, softly but clearly.

Namjoon’s arm tightens around her. “Can I kiss you?”

Her heart leaps. “Can you check if Jae-lin is still here?”

He snickers but she can feel his head tilt up. “No, she’s gone.”

“Then, yes,” she answers immediately, finally separating from him. Namjoon looks as though the sun’s come out; he exhales purposefully, his gaze falling from her eyes to her mouth. Gently moving her hair away from her face, he pulls her closer and, after more than half a year of doubt, anxiety and sadness, he kisses her.

The first time he’d ever kissed her was sweetness; sunny, warm and inviting. The next few times were flirty, sensual, teasing, followed by sexy, loving, affectionate - whatever the situation demanded. Namjoon was a hell of a kisser, his lips and body always moving in tandem, and he made her feel whatever the moment desired, every single time.

Right now, it’s a multitude of things. Kaya can’t even begin to identify it; she’s barely made it past the fact that she’s kissing him again, finally, feeling his lips and his hair and his hands on her. There are too many things in the kiss, but there’s only one thing clear in her mind: please don’t let this be goodbye.

It’s a vain hope because it may very well be, and she pulls him closer by the lapels of his jacket when she thinks it, trying somewhere in the desperation of their passion to remember that at least now, if they end everything right here, she’ll remember their last kiss.

Namjoon’s holding her close, so close. His lips are soft but firm, and the kiss sinking. When they finally pull away, staying right there, foreheads touching and his hand still in her hair, Kaya feels his heartbeat again. It’s under her palm, racing unevenly, but so strong.

This can’t be goodbye, she thinks again, even though every passing second makes it more and more clear that it probably is. It had been her suggestion to think it over and to consider more than just love, but in this moment, she regrets it immensely, for while Namjoon can be sweet and loving and romantic, nothing makes as much sense to him as pure, rational thinking. 

It was one of the most attractive qualities about him; he was an artist, had an artist’s vision and temperament, but still held logic and reasoning in high regard. To a research student who worked with numbers, data and science, he was the perfect combination of everything she wanted in a man.

Despite that, Kaya wishes she’d never said anything. Eyes squeezed shut, she can’t believe this might be the last time, the last everything. She feels him take a deep breath before he kisses her forehead.

And just like that, she knows she’s made a mistake.

“Goodnight, Kaya,” he whispers against her skin. He pulls away and smooths down her hair. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

There’s nothing left to do but nod silently, and watch him drive away into the cold.

—

A faint buzzing wakes her up.

“Fuck,” whispers Kaya, feeling around on her bedside table for her phone. Squinting at the screen, she pauses in confusion. When the ringing continues, she answers before she wakes her mother sleeping next to her.

“Hello?”

“Hey.” Namjoon sounds far more awake than her. “Sorry, I think I woke you.”

“Good guess,” she mutters thickly, sitting up into a slightly more comfortable position. “What’s up? Is - is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” There’s a pause where she can hear the smile in his voice. “I forgot how adorable you sound when you’re sleepy.”

Despite how her heart skips a beat, she frowns. “Seriously? You woke me up at the break of dawn to flirt with me?”

He chuckles, low and pleasant. “No. I was hoping we could talk. In person,” he clarifies after a moment.

“I - well… I don’t think I’ll get a cab for a couple more hours at least.”

“Mhm, mhm. It’s a good thing I’m outside Jieun’s house, then.”

Kaya’s eyes snap open. “You’re - what?” She peers out of the gap between the curtains in the guest room. “Babe, it’s six am - the sun isn’t even up yet,” she groans, a second before she inwardly cringes and hopes he’ll let her slip of the tongue go without comment.

“I - I know. But I’ve been thinking about this all night. You asked me to sleep on it - and that’s what I did. I thought about it, looked back on everything, even had a drink to clear my head.”

“So you did everything but sleep on it.”

Namjoon sighs. “I’m sorry, I just… I have to leave in a few hours. And I don’t want to have this conversation over the phone.”

His tone seems to imply not wholly good news. She swallows, her heart already sinking. “And it can’t wait?” She drops her head into her hand. “I think those three glasses of wine are finally hitting me.”

“I have coffee,” he offers. “And the fresh air should help.”

Irrefutable logic. The smell of caffeine seems to spur her decision and she rolls her eyes. “Fine. Thank God you’re not my leader.”

He laughs. “I’m waiting outside,” he says before hanging up.

There’s no scope to pretty herself for this. Kaya manages to stumble to the bathroom and brush her teeth, after which it’s layer upon layer until she deems herself sufficiently padded for a December morning in Seoul at dawn. She doesn’t want to risk waking anyone up, so simply drops her mother a text: I’m fine. Just went outside for a walk with Namjoon. 

“Hey, beautiful,” he greets her when she steps out, pursing his lips when she momentarily freezes. “Here you go,” he says, handing her a cup of coffee.

“Thanks. I needed this.” She takes the first sip, hot enough to scald her throat, and shivers in the frosty air. They begin walking down the street, the same one they’d driven up last night, with hundreds of unspoken words between them. Now, with all of them uttered and confessed, the air seems clearer and sky seems lighter, a nice indigo over the Christmas lights put up through the lane.

“Thank you for having me over last night,” he says. “I was planning on going home and ordering in, so home-cooked food was kind of amazing.”

“Well, you definitely paid Jieun back in kind, by keeping her daughter entertained all night,” she reminds him, still annoyed by how gushy Jae-lin had been last night. She’d always been a fan, since years before Kaya and Namjoon had ever met, and even though she’d somehow managed to get used to the fact that they were dating, her outward behaviour still needed some restraining sometimes.

Namjoon laughs. “I didn’t mind.” He’s dressed in sweatpants and a grey hoodie, with a black leather jacket thrown hurriedly over it. Looking at him, it’s as though he’d rushed out the door to meet with her.

They reach the neighbourhood park, empty as expected. It seems to be the only area in the entire neighbourhood that isn’t decorated; at this time of the morning, it looks strangely eerie.

“This should work,” mutters Namjoon, stepping inside and heading towards the swings, sitting on one edge of a two-person swing. Kaya trails after him silently, stopping a few steps away as he adjusts his position and looks up at her.

It’s gorgeous, his small smile. “Sit with me?” he asks. “I always loved going to the park as a kid. My parents would get happy because it meant I was taking a break from studying.” He chuckles.

Kaya doesn’t move. Dropping her gaze to the cup in her hand, she traces the mouth of the lid with her finger. “What’s happening right now, Namjoon? Is this us taking another risk together or… just an amicable way to say goodbye?”

Namjoon’s smile fades slightly. “Sit with me?” he repeats, sounding more sombre this time. “I’ll explain everything.”

Hesitating for a moment, Kaya joins him on the swing. Their shoulders brush, and she tucks her hair behind her ear before placing both hands around her cup like a safety tool, savouring the heat from it.

He takes a deep breath. “I thought about it,” he says finally. “In fact, I’ve been thinking about it all night. And if you ask me right now if I want to get back together… the answer is yes. It’s just yes,” he says earnestly, meeting her eyes. “I don’t have to think about it. I - I want you,” he admits. “I want to be your boyfriend. I want you in my life.”

I want you. The words should be enough for her to break into song, but instead Kaya’s chest constricts, as though her heart is bracing itself for the bad news.

“But if you’re asking me about a decision,” he continues, looking away now. “If you’re asking me about a long-term plan for our future - which is a fair ask, by the way,” he inserts quickly, glancing up briefly, “I - you know, it turns out I’ve been thinking about this for a while? I didn’t realise it, but it’s always been there at the back of my mind.”

Kaya doesn’t say anything. There’s a sense of foreboding in his words and she wonders all of a sudden if it isn’t just better to have a break-up over the phone.

“Given my job,” he says slowly, sounding like he’s choosing his words carefully, “given the industry, given my family… the fact that I’ll have to enlist in the military in a few years -” He breaks off momentarily and clears his throat, while her heart clenches. “Given all that, I think it would be impossible - and irresponsible - of me to promise you a future that I don’t know if I’ll be able to give you.”

“But I can promise you,” he says after a moment, and she knows he’s tilting his head to try and meet her eyes, “that every decision I take, every plan that I make… all of that will be done keeping this future in mind. The one with you in it.”

She frowns, finally looking up at him. “Are you sure?” she asks, and she hopes he understands what she’s asking.

He seems to. “Yeah, I am. I can’t… not have you in my future. If I look down ten years, fifteen years, twenty… I just can’t picture a future without you in it.”

Kaya doesn’t know what to say. They’ve just ventured into territory she wasn’t expecting. It’s not commitment. It’s not even a plan. It’s just a promise of intent, and she has no choice but to take him at his word.

He brushes her knee with the back of his hand. “Kaya?”

She bites her lip. “This… future,” she ventures, finding it strange even saying the word. “If you had it your way… what does it look like?”

Namjoon seems to consider this. “White picket fence,” he says, nodding. “And a backyard, definitely.”

Without meaning to, Kaya feels her face break into a smile. “Really?”

“Yeah. And, uh… one of those small bars in the house, with a countertop and the mixer things,” he adds, using an imaginary shaker. “A suburban house… late night drinks, where we talk about how our day was.” He looks down at her and smirks playfully. “Meeting for quickies in the studio during lunch?”

Kaya laughs. “Of course, I’m sure,” she says sarcastically, secretly unable to wait for more. “What else?”

“Um…” He squints up at the lightening sky, trying to think. “Museum dates on the weekends… Learning how to use a lawnmower.”

“I’m sorry,” she says softly, reaching up to touch his bangs, her heart full, “but there is no future in which I’m ever letting you near a lawnmower.”

Namjoon snorts. “Fair enough. What about… oh, a home gym, for sure.” The smile fades a bit, and he gets a slightly faraway look in his eyes. “An SUV… big enough to fit multiple people.” He meets her eyes. “Four bedrooms. At least.”

She swallows, her heart pounding. The prickling in her eyes is back and she stares at her lap, hoping it’ll go away. “Are you really serious right now?” she asks quietly, hearing the tremble in her voice.

“Completely,” he promises. “I know it’s not what you asked, and I’m sorry I can’t give that to you. But it’s the best I can do. Is it… is it enough for you?”

After what feels like an eternity, but is really only a few seconds, Kaya nods. “Yes,” she answers, watching the relief flood through his face. “It’s enough for me.” 

When Namjoon says nothing and simply exhales shakily, she tilts her head. “Do you still love me?” she asks him, unable to keep the teasing out of her tone.

He gives a raspy sort of chuckle, pulling her to him and kissing her temple. “You’re the love of my life, baby.”

This would be the time to break into song, but Kaya reins it in, choosing instead to close her eyes and press her lips to his jaw, savouring that Kim Namjoon is, once again, hers - possibly for a long, long time.

“You know I spent, like, an hour yesterday picking out my outfit,” she murmurs after a moment, waiting for him to hum against her hair. “Should I get mad at you now or later for choosing to confess your undying love for me when I’m in a college sweatshirt and Jieun’s Uggs?”

He laughs, the deep sound making her heart flutter. “If it helps, I realised my undying love for you yesterday, while you were in your sexy outfit.” He tugs her closer by the waist and kisses her on the mouth.

Kaya makes a sound of surprise but doesn’t pull away. She holds his face to hers, running her hand through his hair, his thick blond strands as he gently coaxes her mouth open. There’s only so much room on the swing, though, and after about a minute of renewed passion, Kaya feels it sway dangerously under her. She’s just about to pull away when Namjoon sucks on her lower lip, a low groan accompanying it, and squeezes her waist - and she falls.

“Shit,” he mutters, taking a second to understand what just happened. “Are you okay?” he asks, snickering and bending to give her a hand. His dimple appears on his left cheek, brighter than the sunrise.

“What better way to resume our relationship, right?” she mutters dryly, taking his hand and dusting herself off. “The sun’s coming up, anyway - you don’t want to get caught making out with someone in a children’s park.”

“What kid comes to the park at seven in the morning?” he argues, tugging her closer by the waist again. “It’s the perfect place to make out with my girlfriend, if you think about it.”

She’s about to differ, but he kisses her on the cheek then before trailing his lips down her jaw and towards her neck. She sighs, her eyes fluttering shut on their own. He leaves for Ilsan in a few hours; if there was ever a time to risk making out in a public place, this is it.

“Fine, come here,” she instructs, stepping away and ignoring his protests, pulling him towards the corner of the park. She stops just beyond the jungle gyms, near the wall bordering the park and under a canopy of trees. “This will do,” she says approvingly, grinning when he wordlessly kisses her again.

Here, with the protection of the trees from prying eyes, Kaya allows herself to be taken by him completely. It’s the same urgent passion, but less desperate and more affectionate. Museum dates, late night drinks and an SUV, she thinks, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him deeper. He knew the right things to say and she hopes with all her heart that they make it to the future he’s envisioning.

“Mm, Joon, your hands are cold,” she complains against his lips, giggling as he slips them under her t-shirt. 

“They are, huh?” he murmurs, low and deep, nipping at her lip and backing her against the wall.

“Fucking freezing,” she adds, sighing when they disappear from against her skin. “Can we go back to my - oh, wait,” she remembers, leaning her head back against the wall. “This isn’t Amsterdam and I don’t have an apartment of my own.”

“Well, it’s Seoul and I do have an apartment of my own,” he points out. “I have to be back in Ilsan for brunch but maybe we can sneak away for a bit…?” Namjoon trails off, shaking his head already, clearly on the same lines as her.

“We can do better than a quickie,” she says heavily, even as she presses her lips together. Her eyes dart to the bulge in his sweatpants and she swallows, resisting the urge to palm him right here. “When are you back?”

“Twenty-seventh morning,” he answers. “When are you flying back?”

Kaya hesitates. “Twenty-eighth morning.”

“Okay.” He nods, brushing his thumb against her cheek. “It’s going to be a hell of a twenty-seventh of December, then.”

She smiles and nods. “Yeah. I’m glad you’ll be with your family on Christmas, by the way.”

“Me, too.” 

“Do you want to come over for a quick breakfast?” she offers, raising her eyebrows. “Everyone in that house is an early riser, including Jae-lin.”

“Sure,” he answers, surprising her. “You can tell her we’re back together, too.”

“Perfect.”

“Oh, wait.” Namjoon frowns, apparently just remembering something. “Won’t they be worried? If they wake up and see that you’re gone?”

“We’re half a block away from the house,” she reminds him.

“Sure, but they don’t know you’re here,” he points out.

She shakes her head. “Don’t worry. I dropped my mom a text.”

“Do you think that’s enough?”

“She’ll know I’m okay,” assures Kaya, getting up on her tiptoes to kiss him again. “I told her I’m with you.”

—

Thank you for reading. Don't forget to drop a review :)

[othcrwxrdly]

if you’re hearing SUMMER NIGHTS by SIAMES playing, you have to know MONIQUE LEE (SHE/HER; CIS FEMALE) is near by! the 51 year old WEDDNG PLANNER has been in denver for, like, 51 YEARS. they’re known to be quite SELFISH, but being RESOURCEFUL  seems to balance that out. or maybe it’s the fact that they resemble THANDIE NEWTON. personally, i’d love to know more about them seeing as how they’ve got those DARK RED LIPSTICK, CONFIDENCE THAT COULD KILL, FLOWERS GROWING BACK AS THORNS  vibes. and maybe i’ll get my chance if i hang out around the CHERRY CREEK  long enough!

Love, what a concept. Monique has long since forgotten what love felt like,  the comfort of having someone to lean on through thick and thin, to trust in every aspect of life. Instead, she relies solely on herself to carry on forward. She doesn’t mind it anymore; what could a companion give her that she could not find elsewhere? 

 It wasn’t always like this. 

On a sunny Summer day, she was ready to get married to the man she thought was the love of her life. Her mother was ecstatic, whereas her father had seemed less inclined. The wedding planner had made sure every detail of this day would be perfect: food, flowers, music, everything  carefully selected to make this day as beautiful as possible. However, the groom was nowhere to be seen. 

Monique waited for hours, wearing her beautiful A-line wedding dress, make-up ruined by tears still staining her cheeks. He ignored her calls, and the coward instead settled for throwing six years of her life away through a text message:

 I’m sorry, I didn’t want it to be like this, but I can’t do this. I can’t pretend anymore. 

That was the last she heard of him. Now left to pick up the pieces of her life, Monique promised herself she’d never allow anyone that power over her. She spent months figuring out where they went wrong, what she did to push him to that decision, and how she could have been better.  The truth came in the form of a picture sent by a coworker. It was never her. She was not the one he loved. In the photo, he sat with her best friend, holding hands over a cafe table. That was the real reason he ran away. All the while letting her plan the wedding and pretending everything was fine. 

Her place of employment requires her to work with people as naive as she was that fateful day. Though she no longer believes it is possible to find love for herself, she’s happy to help those on the journey to join their lives… most of the time. Where she was once excited, lively, and empathetic, she feels those qualities have long since vanished from her repertoire. 

A few years later, Monique sat across from a couple, their excited chatter about wedding details filling the room. She nodded along, her professional demeanor unwavering as she discussed flower arrangements and seating plans. The couple's joy was infectious, but somewhere deep within, a flicker of something stirred—a memory she'd buried long ago.

As the couple shared their love story, laughter bubbling between them, Monique's facade faltered. She excused herself briefly, stepping into the quiet hallway. Leaning against the wall, she closed her eyes, trying to push away the flood of memories threatening to overwhelm her.

The words from her ill-fated wedding day echoed in her mind. I’m sorry, I can’t pretend anymore.

For a fleeting moment, Monique allowed herself to feel the pain she'd locked away. The betrayal, the heartache, and the sense of loss surged back with an intensity that caught her off guard. She blinked back tears, silently berating herself for letting her guard down.

Taking a deep breath, she straightened up, steeling herself to return. The couple's happiness was what mattered now. She plastered on a smile, reentering the room with a renewed professional demeanor. But the ghosts of her past lingered, a silent reminder of a heart that had once believed in love.

Nowadays, Mona tries her best to make it through life by enjoying solitude. Long gone are the questions from family members about when she’ll find someone to spend life with, along with her hopes for building a family. That betrayal no longer haunts her, though the wasted years of her life slowly make her regret the lonely path she chose for herself.

[bomberqueen17]

what year is it

i’m at that point where-- oh, no it’s been a while that i just plain haven’t known what year it was. i lost count somewhere and idk. how old am I? what year is it? we’ll figure it out.

Spent a couple hours the day before yesterday, during which I urgently needed to be working on cleaning my house, instead helping dude’s mom shovel out. she’d been working for hours, slowly, pacing herself-- she’s 70 after all, and in okay shape but not particularly athletic-- and then the plows finally came by and really plowed her in and she called nearly in tears, and Dude was ass-deep in alligators at work and I said, “give me an hour, and I’ll be over.”

So I got an hour’s worth of very necessary cleaning on the guest room, since my sister is staying there on the night of the 1st. I need to do more cleaning though, because of course she’s with her husband and Farmkid, who will be one day away from turning 9, and is like five feet tall, so they don’t all fit in that one guest bed and I need to clear out a bunch of space in the living room where somebody’s getting the couch. They’re always here in winter; I have guest space on the porch, but not when it’s cold! Oh well.

Anyway. Left that to do later, in what free time I don’t know, I’ll figure it out, and went over and spent two hours shoveling. It was a hard two hours; the snow was really compacted and wet. But we got a lot done. I cleared out the end of the driveway in about 35 intensive minutes, then went back and started on the Drift of Doom blocking the garage. She came out eventually and joined me, and together we broke through the drift but only got the path about four feet wide. Still, that was huge. On my way out I broke up a lot of the snow hoping to get it to melt. But I had to work yesterday, so i couldn’t continue.

She says it’s fine she’ll just back her car over the rest of the pile. I’m a bit concerned. But Dude managed to get out to grocery shop, and did the shopping for her too so she doesn’t have to get her car out and can just wait. She said she didn’t need to go anywhere else. So if she can make it, great, and if not, well, hopefully the thaw takes it down the rest of the way.

Anyway now we’re on flood warnings everywhere. We got 51″ of snow, was the final total, and now it’s 55F outside, room temperature basically, and so everything is melting *everywhere*. I am terrified for my basement, which I used to be great about keeping stuff off the floor of and lately I haven’t been able to and well, if it’s gonna flood I guess it’s gonna flood. I’m so nervous. OH i forgot.

wednesday night, when the temperature first rose, I woke up at 1:30 am to Dude saying, loudly, “OH NO.” I came fully awake immediately, and he said, “why is this wet”, and then I heard it, water dripping, next to my face, and I got so mad because that happened to me so much over the summer in the cabin without a real roof and I was like “NO this is my INDOOR HOUSE” but

the blizzard had forced fine snow through the cracks of the roof deck and it had collected and run down to the edge of the roof and melted into a puddle on the attic floor and now was in the ceiling of our bedroom dropping onto our faces. We had to go clear out a corner of the attic and mop frantically and it was still dripping afterward so I slept in the guest bed and dude slept on the couch so at least when my sister’s family comes we can attest that the sleeping accomodations are comfy.

anyway i’m like. idk the stress is a lot for some reason I genuinely can’t puzzle out. i’m very frazzled. i’m making progress cleaning the house. it’s not the dirt it’s just that there’s so much stuff i haven’t put away in all my traveling and back and forth i never unpacked and anyway it’s just piles of things, and anything that’s put away i’ve forgotten i owned so the only things i use are the things in the piles.

I helpfully tidied everything away into my bedroom and then I get up before Dude so I can’t get dressed until he wakes up and it’s awful. so. anyway. unsustainable. can’t live like this. have to live like this.

Also it’s only 23 days until we go on vacation and i have at least five more garments i desperately want to make so we shall see, especially if i have no time to work on them, what gets done. 

oh AND i have cramps, so that’s just like. shit icing on that cake really.

prayer circle for nobody drowning in these floods and the property damage to be minimal and for them to stop finding bodies in snowdrifts here.

[bluemidnightmelody]

lover/fighter - my favorite moments

[Little snippets from my Finnick/OC longfic that are stuck in my head]

From Chapter 51 - Rules, and those who break them

At some point in Kip's group, a battered deck of cards that has seen better days is unpacked for a round of poker. Rhea, now in an optimal state of light drunkenness, not completely senseless but noticeably cheerful, is immediately on fire.

"I want to play," she announces enthusiastically as the participants sit down and the cards are shuffled.

An older man from Kip's crew asks her with a skeptical laugh, "Do you even know how, kiddo?"

Rhea wants to ask him if he knows who he's talking to but bites her tongue. 'District 4,' she reminds herself. 'Where talk doesn't do much good if you can't show action.' She sits down in one of the empty seats and replies, "Who cares? Then just tell me how it's done."

"But anyone who plays must also place a stake and can't whine if they lose. No exceptions for beginners," announces Kip as he knocks a handful of coins onto the table.

Rhea furrows her eyebrows defiantly and rummages in the pockets of her jacket, which she has tied around her waist, for her purse. She has gotten used to carrying it again, even if it has taken a while. In the Capitol, people who possess enough hardly use real money that you can touch anymore, everything is electronic. Only in the poorer parts do people still prefer to hold their payment in their hand. It was only when she started spending a lot of time here that she realized that she herself had become extremely accustomed to it over time.

"Fine, give me some cards then," she demands, placing her money in front of her.

Kip grins and then looks at Finnick, who is leaning against the neighboring table watching everything with amusement. "What about you, do you dare, or do you just want to stand there and look pretty?" he asks him challengingly.

As always, Finnick ignores the jab, casually crosses his arms in front of his chest and laughs. It's all right for Kip to tease him like that, in a way it makes it a bit more normal, something that's just part of him without necessarily being a bad thing. He often wonders if Kip secretly suspects how uncomfortable he sometimes feels about his appearance and does it because of that.

"Let's both stick to what we are good at," he replies, tilting his head. "At least I can stand in front of a mirror without it shattering," he then counters with a sneer.

Kip snorts in feigned indignation, but it sounds more like a grunting laugh. "Listen to this. No wonder half the district thinks you're a peacock," he continues their banter. It's almost a tradition between them and neither ever really feels offended by the other.

"The bird or the butterfly?" Rhea interjects out of the blue.

Kip looks at her quizzically and just murmurs, "What?"

"Peacocks. There are birds, but there's also a type of butterfly with the same name. I often see them in the Capitol on the summer lilacs on my balcony, delicate and beautiful," she says, a little dreamily and with a certain melancholy. It's already August and summer is coming to an end sooner than you might think. It's been hot and dry for the last few weeks, so it's quite possible that the beautiful light purple flowers will have already faded by the time she gets home.

"I read somewhere that they weren't even native here in the past. They only existed on distant continents with hundreds of kilometers of water in between. I sometimes wonder how they ended up here. Would such a fragile little creature be able to fly over an entire ocean, are they perhaps the result of the Capitol's experiments, constantly playing around with animals and plants?"

She realizes she's rambling, as she always does when she's had a drink and suddenly starts talking without taking a second to think along the way. "Anyway, I honestly don't understand the point of trying to use something like that as an insult. It seems pretty stupid to me, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's an expression of jealousy rather than anything else and says more about the person using it than the person it's directed at. I would take it as a compliment," she concludes with a shrug of her shoulders, trying to get to the end as she is a little embarrassed by the rambling talk.

The men at the table just look at each other in confusion as they probably don't really know what to make of it all. Finnick just smirks as his attentive gaze remains fixed on her. It's cute and kind of endearing when she starts babbling randomly about something. "Are you saying that you think I'm beautiful?" he asks coquettishly, unable to let such an opportunity pass him by.

In the past, she would have been much more shocked, but now she manages to look at him with a blank expression, as if she is trying to come to an unbiased opinion in order to answer the question properly. "I think you're ... all right," she replies feigning a lack of conviction with an expressive pause, managing to maintain the expressionless look on her face and only allowing the grin to appear a few seconds later.

This is followed by a surprised, amused laugh from Finnick and almost euphoric yelps from everyone else present. Looks like she just made the best joke of the decade at Finnick's expense. Then she leans forward on the table, gives him a mischievous smile and as the noise dies down a little, she adds, "But you have a beautiful heart. Sometimes. When you're not trying to drive me crazy, embarrass me in public or be a total pain in the ass."

She likes the look on his face. Maybe she even loves it, and honestly, she never wants to see anything else in it again.

Finnick purses his lips and laughs softly. "You could have left out that last part. Or just thought it quietly," he remarks.

"But if I did that, you'd immediately counter with some ambiguous suggestion, twist my words around in my mouth and use them as a weapon against me until my back is against the wall. You do that every time I say something even remotely nice to you, but the problem is that I don't like to lose. Not even to you," she replies knowingly. That's how their game works and she finally knows the rules.

And out of the blue, there's suddenly another one of those intense moments. There have been a few before, and each time there were no words, just the after-effects of what had been said before, and looks that seem to penetrate everything, distance, body, soul.

Rhea clears her throat and jerks her head around so fast she almost twists her neck. "Speaking of which, time for me to teach some old men how to lose," she announces in a forced, combative manner, trying to hide her embarrassment underneath. Her gaze fixed on the table at least ensures that she doesn't notice the suggestive sideways glances thrown between the spectators. Finnick is also suddenly very interested in his shoes after Kip grins at him and waggles his eyebrows mockingly.

Links to all the chapters: lover/fighter - Chapter Index

fanfiction on ao3 and wattpad

[heaven-s-black-box]

Backseat Serenade- Klapollo

Return to File- Event Masterlist

Recovery date: July 9th, 2020

Description: Klavier X _____ songfic

Notes: An entry from my 2020 research project into the universe of Ace Attorney. This entry was decoded using the song Backseat serenade by all time low. You can find the next entry here.

Word count: 1 180

Back to directory

Lazy lover Find a place for me again You felt it once before I know you did I could see it

Klavier lay in bed, listening to a sample track from the new Gavinners album. He hadn’t taken any new cases, and had finished all his paperwork. On top of that, he didn’t have any plans for once, and just felt all around uninspired. Since he’d started focusing on prosecutor work, he’d felt out of place with the Gavineers. But he also didn’t feel completely at home with the prosecutors yet either. His mind wandered to a horned defense attorney with a big forehead. Had he ever experienced something like this? It was a strange question, but it was one he took sudden interest in.

Whiskey Princess Drink me under, pull me in You had me at come over boy I need a friend I understand

His phone buzzed, and his ringtone cut through the song he forgot was playing.

Herr Forehead 9:45 P.M Do you wanna come get drinks with me? 9:45 P.M I’m honored what’s the occasion Herr Forehead 9:45 P.M You looked sad I want company 9:48 P.M I’m confused, I don’t know what to do abo 9:50 P.M Do you want to join me or what? 9:51 P.M Of course What me to pick you up? *Want

Backseat serenade Dizzy hurricane Oh god, I'm sick of sleeping alone You're salty like a summer day Kiss the sweat away To your radio

He pulled up to Apollo’s apartment complex to find him waiting by the door. Apollo walks over and enters the passenger side before giving Klavier an address. To his surprise, it’s a bar he’s never heard of. When he voices this thought, Apollo laughs and tells him it’s not a very big bar. Somewhere out of the way where Klavier is less likely to be recognized. He assures Klavier it’s a good place though.

Backseat serenade Little hand grenade Oh god, I'm sick of sleeping alone You're salty like a summer day Kiss the pain away To your radio

The ride is quiet, so Klavier turns on the radio. He sees Apollo visible cringe when a Gaveniers song comes on and can’t help but laugh. Apollo reaches over to change the station and Klavier stops him.

“What’s so bad about my music?” He asks, feigning offence.

“It’s cheesy,” he’d said, rolling his eyes.

You take me over I throw you up against the wall We've seen it all before But this one's different It's deliberate

They’re a few drinks in when Apollo starts to open up. Not about himself mind you, just why he’d invited Klavier out.

“You looked sad after his trial,” the name doesn’t need to be said, “and I kept worrying about you.”

“Ja well, it hurts. It was always the two of us, and to think he was capable of something so cruel… it makes me worry about myself.” Apollo started fidgeting.

“If you ever wanna talk about anything, I can listen,” he said quietly.

“Anything?” Klavier asked, leaning closer to him.

“Anything.”

You send me reeling Callin' out to you for more The value of this moment lives in metaphor Yeah, through it all

It’s a week later that he wakes up in a cold sweat. Since the trial, he’s had nightmares about Kristoph, but this time was different. Instead of Kristoph being convicted, it was him, and instead of it being for the murder of Mr. Misham, it’s for the murder of Apollo Justice. So he reaches for his phone and calls Apollo. It’s only after Apollo answers, voice gruff with sleep, that he realized just how late it is. He racks his brain for an excuse for calling, and it’s only after Apollo asks if he’s okay that he answers truthfully.

“Can we take a drive Herr Justice?”

Backseat serenade Dizzy hurricane Oh god, I'm sick of sleeping alone You're salty like a summer day Kiss the sweat away To your radio

“Prosecu- Klavier, is everything okay?” Apollo asks when he picks him up.

He doesn’t answer, just starts driving. He doesn’t know where he’s going, and it’s only after Apollo asks that he realizes.

“Here, let me drive. I know somewhere we can go.”

Klavier pulls in to the next gas station, and Apollo runs in to grab some snacks before taking the driver's seat. He doesn’t say where they’re going, and even as they start to leave the city, he can’t bring himself to worry. All he does is roll down his window to let the cool summer air flood the car. Apollo turns the radio on, and a song neither of them knows comes on.

Backseat serenade Little hand grenade Oh god, I'm sick of sleeping alone You're salty like a summer day Kiss the pain away To your radio

It’s not long before Apollo pulls them over, just outside the city. It’s dark, and Klavier makes a quick joke about Apollo killing him. Apollo tells him to get out, and they go and sit on the hood of the car. Klavier notices they’re both still in their pajamas and he goes to apologize for waking Apollo when he speaks.

“Damn, it’s too cloudy. I was going to show you some constellations.” Klavier laughs,but stops when he sees Apollo getting nervous.

“While it’s a nice sentiment, what’s the plan now?” He asked before Apollo could start second guessing himself.

“Well… it’s a nice night, and I know I don’t have work tomorrow. We could stay here and talk?” Klavier thinks about it before nodding.

“Klingt gut,” he smiled. Apollo didn’t need a translation to get the idea.

Backseat serenade Dizzy hurricane Oh god, I'm sick of sleeping alone You're salty like a summer day Kiss the sweat away To your radio

They're not sure how long they talked for, nor do they care. It must have been early morning though, because people seemed to be leaving bars as they drove back into the city. Klavier drives back, and Apollo asks if he’s sure he’s okay. He offers to sleepover at Klavier’s if it will make the rockstar feel better to have company, but he declines.

Backseat serenade Little hand grenade Oh, aren't you sick of sleeping alone? We're salty on a summer day Kiss the pain away To your radio

“Apollo?” Klavier calls as Apollo steps out. He leans back down in the doorway to listen to Klavier. As soon as his head passes the door, Klavier leans in and kisses him. It’s quick, and as soon as he pulls away, he whispers, “Thank you.”

Apollo is stunned before mumbling a quick “your welcome”, and slamming the door a little harder than intended. It’s only after he gets home and has started second guessing his actions that he sees a text from Apollo.

Herr Forehead

1:27 A.M

How about dinner tomorrow?

[owlbehonest]

365 Music Days List

1 Your favorite song today

2 Your favorite song of all time

3 Favorite song with a color in the title

4 Another Top 5 favorite song (different than Day 1 or 2)

5 A song that you listen to when you travel

6 The song with the highest play count on your iTunes/iPod/mp3 player

7 Favorite cover version of an song. (look up on youtube)

8 Another Top 5 favorite song (different than Day 1, 2, or 4)

9 A song that reminds you of your childhood

10 Opening theme song for a series based on your life

11 Your least favorite song

12 A song you always look for on jukeboxes

13 A song by your favorite band

14 The first song you heard by your favorite artist

15 Your favorite female vocal song

16 A song that makes you happy

17 Favorite love song

18 Your Favorite Music Video

19 A song by one of your top five favorite bands (different than the band in Day 13)

20 A song that reminds you of most recent ex-boyfriend-girlfriend

21 Most Australian-sounding song you like (one that reminds you of down under)

22 Another song from a top five favorite band (diff. from 19 and 13)

23 A song that you would sing on an audition for American Idol

24 A song you like from a musical or childrens movie

25 Oldest song you love

26 A song that you absolutely despise

27 The first song you ever heard (that you still listen to regularly)

28 Your favorite male vocal song

29 A song that makes you sad

30 A song from your favorite movie

31 A Favorite Vocal Performance

32 Your favorite classical piece

33 A song that reminds you of one/both of your parents

34 A song with your favorite guitar riff

35 A Song you always listen to at least twice in a row

36 A song by the last band you saw play live

37 Newest/most modern song you love

38 A song you couldn’t live without

39 A song that makes you smile

40 Another song that has a top five favorite guitar riff in it (different from Day 34)

41 A song you listen to when you are happy

42 Your favorite breakup song

43 A Favorite Love Song

44 A song you’ve only recently started listening to

45 A song that calms you down when you are angry

46 A song you listen to when you are sad (that helps relax your mood)

47 A song with your favorite drums

48 A song you always sing in the shower

49 A song that reminds you of a friend you can tag on facebook (and tag them)

50 A song you’d do at karaoke (even if you don’t karaoke)

51 Favorite slow song

52 A song from an artist you wish had never started singing

53 A song that makes you cry

54 Song with your favorite bass line in it

55 A song you hear when you’re shopping

56 A Favorite Dance Song

57 A great song from the 1960s

58 A song that is often stuck in your head

59 A song that reminds you of someone you cannot or would not tag on facebook

60 A song you know all the words to

61 Song you have listened to most often in your life (including before mp3s and iTunes)

62 A song that reminds of you of somewhere

63 A song that reminds you of a roadtrip

64 A song by someone you’d like to marry

65 A song that reminds you of home

66 A song that makes you laugh

67 Another song with a top five favorite guitar solo (different from Days 34 or 40)

68 A song you listen to when you are angry (and you want to be angry)

69 A Favorite Soft Rock Song

70 Another Top 5 favorite music video (different from Day 18)

71 A song that reminds you of a best friend

72 Favorite classic rock song

73 A Song that reminds you of your childhood

74 A song that reminds you of a certain event

75 A song that you’ve called and requested on the radio

76 A song from a band you hate

77 Favorite song to go crazy to

78 A song you like to wake up to

79 A song that breaks your heart with the first few notes

80 Your First Favorite (Non-Childen’s) Song As A Child

81 The song with your favorite lyrics

82 A song that reminds you of a past summer

83 A fave rap song

84 Song that reminds you of your teenage years

85 A song that you know all the words to

86 A song you always put on playlists/mixtapes

87 Song you sang the wrong lyrics to for ages

88 A song that you want to begin the week with

89 Favorite song to make out or have sex to

90 A song you like to fall asleep to

91 A funeral song you will never forget

92 Your favorite song from a movie (doesn’t have to be your favorite movie)

93 A song that reminds you of your “1st love”

94 Favorite country song

95 Song you could sing in a wedding speech

96 A song that you can dance to

97 A song you want to close the week with

98 A song by an artist that inspires you

99 Favorite song to chill out to

100 A song that makes you think of a past relationship (different from Day 20 or 93)

101 A song you were shocked by the first time you heard it

102 Your favorite song from a video game

103 A song that makes you hopeful

104 Song you only sing in karaokes when you’re too wasted to care how you sound

105 Song by a band you wish were still together

106 Your favorite song to make fun of

107 A song that reminds you of a family member (other than a parent)

108 Song you would love to put in a movie

109 A song that makes you think of a bad break up

110 A song that you first heard live, that you became instantly obsessed with

111 A Favorite Song From A Musical

112 A great song from the 70s

113 A song you only listen to by yourself

114 Song you’re embarrassed to like

115 Your favorite slow song

116 Album you most like to hear in a cafe

117 A song you want to play at your wedding

118 An uplifting song which makes you think, if only temporarily, that you love everybody

119 A Favorite In-Concert Performance

120 A song that is a guilty pleasure

121 Song you wish described your life experience or personality

122 A Song that has to be played LOUD

123 Your favorite fast song

124 A song that reminds you of someone you hate

125 A song you want to have played at your funeral

126 A song which seems incredibly deep no matter how many times you hear it

127 A song you like that no one would expect

128 The last song you heard

129 A song from a band you hate

130 A song so depressing you could slit your wrists

131 A song that you loved as a little kid (different from Day 80)

132 Song that you air guitar to every time you hear it

133 A song from a band that you have to explain to people who they are

134 A song you can’t help but like (even if you wish you didn’t)

135 Song with your favorite keyboards

136 A song from the first album you bought

137 A song you love but can’t bring yourself to listen to (You fill in the reason.)

138 A Song You Wish (Insert Artist/Band Here) Would Cover

139 A song that you used to love but now hate

140 A song that reminds you of a friend you had a falling out with and haven’t spoken to in years

141 Song you could striptease to (if you’re a girl) or wish your wife/gf would striptease to

142 A current song that you find annoying

143 First song you ever bought

144 A song you got sick of because of the radio

145 Your favorite strange song (with unusual sounds/instruments)

146 Your favorite weird song (with strange, nonsense, or non-sequiter lyrics)

147 A Favorite Song With A Color In The Title

148 A song you were surprised to hear on the radio

149 A song that reminds you of your current boyfriend/girlfriend or your spouse

150 Song you could never memorize the lyrics for but always wanted to

151 A song that describes you

152 A song you like by a singer who’s dead

153 Non-instrumental song featuring your favorite instrumental solo

154 A song you wish you heard often on the radio

155 A song by the performer at the last concert you went to

156 A song that would get you on the dance floor no matter what

157 A song you listen to in the car with your windows down and the radio cranked up

158 Favorite duet/collaboration between two artists you love (or maybe you only love one of them)

159 A Favorite Holiday Song

160 A great song from the 80s

161 A song you can’t help singing along to

162 Favorite acoustic song

163 Favorite instrumental song (classical)

164 A song you can sing without music

165 A song that has sent chills down your

166 A song you love from a genre you usually dislike

167 Your “Happy Place” Song

167 Favorite instrumental song (contemporary)

169 A song that you hear often on the radio (and you still enjoy hearing)

170 A song from the most recent album or single you’ve bought

171 The first song on your favorite album

172 Another top five favorite song (different from Days 1, 2, 4, and 8)

173 The song you want to/ had your first dance to at your wedding

174 A song from an artist you think is very sexy

175 A song from your favorite solo artist

176 Biggest musical theatre song by an artist you usually adore

177 A Song That Makes You Misty

178 A song that makes you want to/wish you could dance

179 A song that has special significance to you (and what is it?)

180 Song you like to listen to in the gym or exercising (running, cycling, swimming, etc.)

181 A song you like that you first heard in a tv ad

182 Favorite song with a number in the title

183 A song from another top five favorite band (different from Days 13, 19, and 22)

184 An album to be stuck on the moon or a desert island with

185 A song you like recorded by an artist who was under 18 at the time of recording

186 A Song That Gives You The Creeps

187 A song that you love but rarely listen to

188 A song you listen to when you’re stressed

189 The last song on your favorite album

190 A song you will never get tired of

191 Another song from your favorite album (different than Days 171 and 189)

192 Your BFF’s favorite song

193 A song you would most like to play to disrupt a politically correct party

194 Your favorite acoustic (unplugged) version of a song

195 The 1st song alphabetically in your iPod/iTunes

196 Another song from your favorite album (different from Days 171, 189, and 191)

197 Best Movie Theme Song (with lyrics)

198 A song you like by a singer/band you really don’t like

199 A song from an artist you like but wished they had never made

200 A song you would like to have as your national anthem

201 Song with the oldest “date added” listing in your iTunes/iPod/mp3 player

202 A great song from the 90s

203 The last song alphabetically in your iPod/iTunes

204 Best Movie Theme Song (instrumental)

205 A song you like that you learned about from a friend

206 Another song from your favorite album (different from Days 171, 189, 191, and 196)

207 A song by the artist from the best live concert you ever attended

208 A song that you clean house to

209 A Song You could Swear was Written For You

210 Favorite theme song from a TV Series

211 A song from a band you heard about before they were cool

212 A song from a concert you wish you could have attended

213 A song by an artist that you used to love, but now are ashamed of (because you or they changed)

214 A song that someone has sung to you

215 A song you would listen to when you are alone

216 Favorite theme song from an Animated Film

217 A song that was your prom or graduation theme

218 Favorite funny song

219 Your favorite sing-a-long (everybody sing now) song

220 A song that infuriates you

221 A song that you can not stand to listen to

222 A song that you wish was never recorded

223 Favorite theme song from an Animated TV show

224 A song you like that is loud and/or fast

225 Most underrated song

226 A song that is anti-YOU

227 A song beginning with the same letter as your first name

228 A song that was played at your favorite concert (different from Day 207)

229 The last song that got stuck in your head

230 A song that you have danced to with your best friend

231 Favorite theme song from a Soap Opera

232 Another song that makes you laugh (different from Day 218)

233 A song you like that features a whistling part

234 Song with your favorite vocals

235 A song you discovered on TV

236 a song beginning with the same letter as your last name

237 A song you would most like to sing live if you knew every note would be perfect

238 A song from a band/artist whose t-shirt you own

239 A song your parents would play during parties

240 A great song from the 00s

241 Favorite song composed/arranged for an Olympic Games Opening/Closing Ceremony

242 A song that you can play on an instrument

243 A song you like that relies heavily on piano

244 Best intro to a song

245 A song beginning with the word “you”

246 A song from the band you would most like to join

247 A song that is the soundtrack of your life

248 A Song That Reminds You Of Spring

249 Favorite song to slow dance to

250 Favorite commercial Jingle

251 A song that you wish you could play

252 A song you like that features a saxophone

253 Favorite song with a person’s name in the title

254 A song that shows your beliefs

255 A song by the first band you saw in concert

256 A Song That Reminds You Of Summer

257 Favorite song from a video Game

258 A song that makes you feel guilty

259 Song you think everyone should have to listen to

260 A song from another favorite album (different from Day 206)

261 a song that makes you feel inspired and creative

262 A song that makes you think of your past

263 Favorite oldie (a song you grew up thinking of as an oldie)

264 A Song That Reminds You Of Fall/Autumn

265 A great song by a band from your home country

266 Your party song

267 A song that you can relate to

268 A Song that makes you go emo

269 A song from your childhood (children’s song or otherwise)

270 A song you didn’t like in the past that you DO like now

271 Artist you with were still alive

272 A random song from your iTunes/iPod/mp3 collection (just choose one!!)

273 Favorite one hit wonder

274 A song that reflects your wishes / thoughts for your future

275 A song with chord changes that really thrill you

276 A Song That Reminds You Of Winter

277 Your favorite song a year before you started Day 1

278 A song you listen to on rainy days

279 A song that you would never want people to know you like

280 A song you love hearing when playing with your dog/cat/pet

281 A song you feel is all yours because not many people know it

282 A song that makes you want to drive fast and crazy

283 A song that makes you want to help the world, the environment, end poverty, etc.

284 Favorite song that shares a title with a book

285 A Favorite song from a band/artist that started in the state/province/region where you were born

286 A great song from the 10s

286 A song that changes your sad mood to HAPPY

287 A song you like you haven’t had a chance to use on this list yet

288 Best song to listen to on an acid trip

289 A song that your mother/father likes

290 A song that makes you feel successful

291 A song that makes you discover yourself

292 Favorite re-mix/mash up/creative alteration of a tune/s

293 A favorite song from an album you played over and over and over in high school

294 A song by a band/artist from a foreign country where you have traveled

295 A song by a band/artist from a foreign country where you have not traveled

296 A song by your favorite Canadian band/artist

297 A song by your favorite English band/artist

298 A song by your favorite American band/artist

299 A song by your favorite Western European band/artist

300 A song by your favorite Eastern European band/artist

301 A song by your favorite African band/artist

302 A song by your favorite Asian band/artist

303 A song by your favorite Middle Eastern band/artist

304 A song by your favorite band/artist from the Indian sub-continent

305 A song by your favorite Irish band/artist

306 Your favorite traditional folk song (any folk tradition)

307 Your favorite bluegrass song

308 Your favorite Celtic song

309 A Favorite song from a band/artist that started in a state/province/region where you have lived

310 A Favorite song from a band/artist that started in a state/province/region you would like to live

311 A song by your favorite band/artist from South America

312 A song by your favorite band/artist from Central America

313 A song by your favorite band/artist from the Caribbean

314 A song by your favorite blues artist

315 A song by your favorite world music artist

316 Your favorite song sung entirely or partially in a language foreign to you

317 Your favorite song by a jam band/artist

318 Your favorite psychadelic rock song

319 A song by your favorite “manly man’s” artist

320 A song by your favorite “girly girl’s” artist

321 A song by your favorite cross-dressing artist

322 Your favorite novelty song (recorded by a non-musician entertainer, parody band, etc.)

323 A song that describes your feelings on a current news item (and what news item)

324 Your favorite protest song (and what does it protest)

325 If you formed a garage band today, the song you would most want your band to learn

326 Calculate (a*b)+c-d+e [where abcde are the digits in your zip code] and choose that song from your iTunes/iPod/mp3 library

327 Choose a number between 1 and 10 and call it “n”; set your iTunes/iPod/mp3 player to shuffle

mode and play through until the nth song in your library comes up. What is it?

328 If a=1, b=2….z=26, add up the value of the letters in your name. What song is at that position on your iTunes/iPod/mp3 library?

329 A song you really like and that you have had in your iTunes/iPod/mp3 library for some time but that shows you have never played it on a connected device (shows 0 plays)

330 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter A

331 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter B

332 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter C

333 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter D

334 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter E

335 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter F

336 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter G

337 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter H

338 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter I

339 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter J

340 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter K

341 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter L

342 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter M

343 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter N

344 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter O

345 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter P

346 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter Q

347 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter R

348 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter S

349 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter T

350 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter U

351 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter V

352 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter W

353 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter X

354 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter Y

355 Favorite song by a band/artist that begins with the letter Z

356 A song that would make the girl/guy of your dreams fall in love with you

357 A song that would heal a misunderstanding you have with someone in a strained relationship

358 A song that would help someone you no longer love leave the relationship without pain

359 A song that your parents would not have let you listen to when you were a kid

360 A song that you would be shocked to find your parents listening to

361 A song that you would be shocked to find your children listening to

362 A song by a band/artist you used to dislike but you have come to respect for their talent or hard work

363 A song you recognize as creative and well-written, but you don’t really like listening to

364 Another song you wish you had a chance to use on this list (different from Day 287)

365 Your favorite song (it’s probably changed since day 1)

366 (Leap Year Song)–A song you get an itch for every few years, and then realize why you don’t want to hear it more often

SOURCE

[jenroses]

I flounder at the conundrum we live in right now. I'm 51, and grew up doing EVERYTHING, like my parents were young and I had so many ridiculous lessons and they built a family kayak at home and we went fishing on the regular and then camped across the country for a month. I had girl scouts and piano lessons and we moved when I was a kid to a small bit of acreage where I had a horse and we planted an acre of tomatoes and raised animals and we kept a sourdough starter alive for years.

In my life I have helped start multiple things which thrived for a while and then failed later, after I'd moved on. I've traveled and tried new foods and at one point I knew that almost anywhere I could possibly go I could probably find a friend to crash with because there were that many connections to be made.

And in 2019 we took our 7 year old child to Dublin. He got to try new things and met new people and see places he hadn't seen before.

I used to be the parent whose house was always open--my eldest is 30 and for a long time my house was "Jen's home for wayward queer youth" to quote one such youth, where their friends would come and sometimes stay for a while. The space in my heart wants to say "there is always room for one more."

But I'm immune compromised. And the pandemic. And our lives have narrowed to the point where I can't risk air travel.

And my son has to ask if he can bring a friend over in advance because some days I absolutely cannot cope with the sensory issues of wearing a mask in my house, the logistics of figuring out food around having someone in our space. I can't invite his friend to stay for dinner though in the past I would have in a heartbeat because there was always room for one more...

But yes, everywhere is somewhere and everyone is someone and every car you pass on the road has someone with an entire existence and set of motivations and the plot of their own story and it is sad to me that the more connected we become, the more isolated we get.

My youngest will probably not be able to just spend weeks at a time shuffling between our house and his best friend's house the way I did when I was a kid.

At age 11 I was riding a horse around our neighborhood completely unsupervised. For him at 11 we're waiting for summer for me to maybe, at last, see if I can overcome the executive function barriers (mine) to teach him to ride a bike.

We realized in the shoe store the other day that he'd never actually learned to tie his shoes because he's never had tie shoes. So I taught him, then and there. And then the salesperson brought over little doohickies that slide up and down the laces and negate the need for bows. Which is safer, really, but...

My eldest drives stick. My youngest probably never will. They're 18 years apart in age.

The notes on a recent post got me thinking

By nature, I’m a fan of having 2 beers and meeting strangers at a bar somewhere you’ve never been, which is a thing that we don’t do in 2023 between COVID and being afraid of one another because of the prevalence of gun violence and regular violence and misdirected road rage and the million other little deadly social erosions of the past 10 years or so.

You have got to let go of this idea that any place is a complete nothing-burger full of nothing-people.

You have to.

Its vitally important that you navigate that airport with a stranger in Denver and realize he’s got a tattoo of lyrics from your favorite song. To sing House of the Rising Sun with four people you’ve known for 2 hours (and somehow managed to get into the DNCs private bar with) in the back of an Uber in DC when it’s pissing rain and entirely too cold for your southern blood. It’s important to cooperate and solve problems together and go about it laughing and singing. We are silly little creatures that love a puzzle and a story.

It’s also important to flee a tornado in the back of a shitty red pickup at pride in Oklahoma City and feel the sky break wide-open against the lazy /tick-lok/ /tick-lok/ of the windshield wipers while racing down what once was Rte 66. Its important to know that in the face of creeping fascism that place, of all places, has entire gay neighborhoods. It’s important to wake up in an apartment high, high up in NYC and watch the sun through the buildings and boulevards and watch the glorious great goddamn of that impossible number of people all cooperating and all not. To say Hyoo-stun, that way, on purpose just to get a rise of your born and bred NY friend who does NOT think you’re funny but will make coffee for you.

You need to see a beach full of people cautiously approaching and flinching away from a floating, dead horseshoe crab on Tybee Island, Georgia the way any troupe of wild animals approaches an unknown alien thing. Cows in a field, fish in the ocean flinching from a diver. Little children squealing and wide eyed behind their parents legs. You need to be the person that walks out and picks it up and watches the rest of the crowd creep in to investigate.

I don’t get to travel a lot in the way that most people do, when I go to a place it’s usually because something bad has happened there, but I have found it universally true that most people just want to tell you a story or show you a picture on their phone of the craziest thing they’ve ever seen and they don’t particularly care who you are or what your accent is. Sometimes they do, and those people suck, but those people are not the majority.

Sometimes if you let an old redneck talk he’ll tell you everything you never wanted to know about forensic accounting. Sometimes you’ll meet someone in the middle of the biggest city in the US who knows everything about show pigs. I’ve been to the smallest Kansas towns and the biggest cities in the US and I’ve found none of them were full of nothing.

[housediva]

Some Kind of Ecstasy (Emergency!)

Summary: Johnny is sent to a convention in San Francisco and invites Roy along. While there, Johnny hits it off with someone, forcing him to confront his feelings for Roy as he considers whether to turn a one-night stand into a relationship.

Summer of 51s 2024—Long Distance

[sunsunsunandsun]

I should be working on my summer final assignments

I'm really writing this because I can't answer Xiomara or myself when we ask why I like Eric, and I can spend hours thinking about him but there's something missing somewhere. This post is an attempt to clear some of that up. It's one am right now. I have an 8:15 Yoga Joint class with Xiomara and Micaela tomorrow morning. When I stop and think about it, or sometimes it's like I'm rushing through the motions and I get the distinct feeling that I am adding to my life. When I think about Eric, I think about how much we could get out of life. It's palpable. It presses somewhere in the throes of my bodily makeup, lost to the noise of an unmoving reality. When I think about Eric it's like everything just spins out forever and the storyline goes on forever out somewhere. I really struggle to explain anything Eric related (take a shot for every time I write his name?) because it's like there's no beginning or end. Maybe if I push my head through the opening of this Great Peach, I'll get to see into the luscious landscape where he actually deals with the perceptions and thoughts of me a million miles away from my own, and other people also see I am crazy. There's a knocking that comes inches between the peach and my face, hidden under the opening, and when I push the lid I see my own face and remember we've been here before, and then July fourth happened.

So I retreat and retrace the steps back down into the peach, because maybe we'll have better luck at painting a picture if we're closer to the source. I should reread James and the Great Peach or whatever it's called. It's 1:51 I've gone way off track because I've been texting Xiomara.

What do I want to talk about now? If I was in the Peach, I'd be in some warm lighting and on a worn brown couch, with my back supported and my legs moving through the air. There'd be creatures, I'm assuming, somewhere in the background. Turn over onto my front. Sometimes the fun thing about thinking is that there are so many ways to go. Try to stick a landing anywhere on the full field.

Maybe I should interview myself. This is a growing thought, but my writing always seems to drink some sort of dry humor and entertains rhetoric.

"How was the night of Kevin's birthday for you [in the context of Eric]?"

I remember that weekend, the night home, Friday night, Saturday night, I pressed into my pillow in disbelief and so many emotions that are lost to me now. I was really high that weekend too. It was a great weekend, but then Sunday evening he ended any chance of anything happening. That's the best way to put it. Even now, cutting through the weeks the image of the space between us where he looks at me with no break as my eyes move up and down, my fingers entertaining the end of my right braid tail. I think about how in what I'd taken that night and the movement of the night, my body recognized that this was a moment to kiss. I know this, because it was like my body was stopping me and I paid attention and what I could think about was that this didn't seem like the best time. To kiss. To break that gap on the sand. I don't remember why but we parted from each other and he held onto me throughout the night, but that brief instance rings behind my eyes. It was so physical. It shocked me to see he was more than what I could see. On a drive sometime this week, I thought about how he might be a vision of what I am, silent and ungiving.

Breaking the interview flow, I don't really like how this is going.

Maybe none of this was ever a big deal at all. Maybe it's all just this thing that happened that happens sometimes because things happen and I should accept it in my book of Boy Tales. Maybe I'm just the great writer, threader of empty truths and split ends. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, I just don't know what to think at all. I'll hand you the picture now, where I live in knowing and I am the only girl he can think of, the only girl he could dream of and he throws himself together. This is a good picture, I'll hand you another. We see that we move on for the rest of our lives, everyone. There's something that tugs at me that this isn't done and there's so much down one path.

Soon after that night, I remember thinking about the things going on in my life and how unreal it felt, and how this was actually real, and these things were happening to me. On my drive in the late noon, (this has just inspired me to go watch Patrick Melrose, with yoga on the morning rise) I thought of how lovely I am and how absolutely floored Eric is by my existence and my possibility and how I dance the line of grace. I've had a lot of breakthroughs in my self-recognition and self-relationship (I haven't really gone into that either) a lot of it has happened this summer and I'm not sure when it all came together. Somewhere I became a confident self-content growing woman who is exploring personal relationships as I come into contact with more everything. Mostly I calmed down. I am enamored with my life and how I get to live. I am a lucky lucky girl. I'm one of the luckiest girls of all time. My luck falls and falls down, like glitter, or crushed rocks. I am cased in a gold, yellow glow as long as I live. I'm very grateful. I used to be really spiritual, but I don't employ a lot of the practices I used to swear by. I should. But I think I've learned some new ones. Isn't that what summer's about?

What does summer mean to you? It's July twenty first and it's almost over, in about a week we'll step foot into August, where two weeks will pass us to the third week, the first week of school. Welcome to fall semester is biting at our feet. I feel like I wasted my summer honestly, but I also feel like a lot of things happened and I had a lot of fun and melancholy and fall semester will rock so it works out. I feel like I won't really have any money left over after my internship, but I should go look for new income soon...

I forget to look at the big picture of my life a lot. I'm on the second year of my twenties, and I have the rest of it to go, then another ten, another ten, and the tens keep coming hopefully. No, they will. Is destiny really real? Are things destined to happen at a certain time, no matter what. Isn't that answered or rejected by determinism... Maybe I'll have some fond memory of these years. I wonder if I'll ever be kind enough to love the old versions of myself I have only grown to tolerate. My nails are off by the way. I'm free all over again. If you think about it, I'm so free in life. I could do anything. I should do more. I have no idea who I'll be and it'll kill me in absolute excitement and anticipation but I just imagine this great thing.

It's 2:25 and I'll probably just post this dreadful work to put something out there. I didn't answer anything and worst of all I didn't touch on anything. I feel like I posed a question and then I polished it for you and myself all over again in a minimum of words, and then I blatantly gave up. I should write more. My works are embarrassment, and yes it tugs at me still that one day they might be great, in some other light. Like how the analysts at TD tell us that this is the most fun part, Greg told us this in the late afternoon... enjoy this part. Everyone spends their time scrambling to the top, pushing over each other and ruining shoes and messing up all our hair and our breaths dragging below us, while we all stretch towards the ticket, an entry to find footing to get pushed into the greater competitions of our time. I just put on my first ever Rihanna album to listen to. Oh yeah, my music's growing too. Anyways I guess I'll go. Talk soon? I need to go play volleyball too.

[dallasareaopinion]

Are we really doing this, they are just two old farts.

I am beyond exasperated. And I try to stay positive, try not to name call or be denigrative or rude, yet, it is what it is, Trump and Biden are two old farts. They can barely walk or talk anymore.

I sent a “X” or whatever the other day to try asking what happens if both candidates show the world neither one can be President.  And I am asking here.

What happens when both candidates bomb the debate so bad that it is painfully obvious we are in dire straits with these two? The only good news is this debate is before both conventions. Hopefully the pain of watching this will be so bad that both parties wake up and nominate someone else.

It still won’t get me to vote for a Democrat or Republican, but I will at least feel better about how bad they are screwing up this country. If Biden and Trump make November, I just cannot imagine how insane things will become. There is even the odd chance that one or both could die of old age before November.

I have been convinced for decades that neither party has the best interest of us and the country. Now this is for different reasons, yet right now they have fallen so far down it is no longer about bad or unproductive public policy, it is complete blindness to what they are doing. How can either party think their candidate represents the best they can do? I know there is a MAGA problem, but somewhere deep some of the rest of the Republican party has got to be thinking what are we doing?

Anyway the first debate is this week and I hope enough of the country watches (which may be a problem since summer and no one cares) they realize HOLY SHIT! and start calling people or whatever is needed to stop this madness.

Summer starts at 4:51 pm Eastern time on June 20, 2024 which is the longest day of the year, the debate is the evening of the 21st. I hope that this being at the end of the longest day doesn’t portend something horrible coming up.

Please watch and then please get active.

As always we need new parties and candidates.

[outerspace-castaway]

so apparently a few years ago i made a list of random songs i liked

i dont remember why i did it and only just rediscovered it now but it makes me want to make another one so...

carousel - 5 seconds of summer

2. the night we met - lord huron

3. borderline - ed sheeran

4. time of the season - the zombies

5. 26 - paramore

6. fire - sara bareilles

7. the pretender - foo fighters

8. im gonna be (500 miles) - the proclaimers

9.frankenstein - rina sawayama

10. amused - hunger

11. swing swing - all american rejects

12. street lightning - the summer set

13. always you - louis tomlinson

14. one life - hedley

15. sexual - neiked

16. let me love you - mario

17. 3am - haim

18. my tears ricochet - taylor swift

19. somewhere only we know - keane

20. be kind - halsey

21. skyway avenue - we the kings

22. next to me - emeli sande

23. lifetime - justin bieber

24. shapeshifter - alessia cara

25. slow motion - charolatte lawrence

26. new angel - niall horan

27. heart of glass - blondie

28. angels like you - miley cyrus

29. teardrops - liam payne

30. freedom - jon batiste

31. these dreams - heart

32. tell me its over - avril lavigne

33. slow grenade - ellie goulding

34. never gonna not dance again - p!nk

35. symphony - clean bandit & zara larson

36. un nouveau soleil - m83

37. juke box hero - foreigner

38. saigon - luke hemmings

39. faith - calvin harris

40. infinity - one direction

41. wings - jonas brothers

42. river - myles smith

43. church - aly & aj

44. woman - kesha

45. i must not chase the boys - play

46. wonderful unknown - ingrid michaelson

47. better - syml

48. pink skies - lany

49. duality - set it off

50. you get what you give - new radicals

51. tounge tied - grouplove

52. ophelia - the lumineers

53. angel with a shotgun - the cab

54. werewolves of london - warren zevon

55. drive - incubus

56. alone - sleeping with sirens ft mgk

57. chainsaw - nick jonas

58. the hardest thing - 98 degrees

59. breathe (2am) - anna nalick

60. ocean avenue - yellow card

61. its about time - lillix

62. all or nothing - o town

63. you're the inspiration - chicago

64. all my life - k ci & jojo

65. are you happy now - michelle branch

66. shape of my heart - backstreet boys

67. show me love - robyn

[fated2loveu]

Be Nosy

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say…

I…. You love me?

I love you.

2: Did you get to sleep in today?

No

Yes~

3: You never know what you got until you lose it?

That tracks.

Is there an actual question here?

4: Do you have siblings?

Yes Daichi

Yes Kiyo and Nobu.

5: How many kids do you want?

I have all the children I could love. I don’t think I’ll have more unless the gods allow.

None yet!

6: Who was the last person you held hands with?

Myu

Emi

7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?

Haha no

Nope

8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care?

It’s seems to be the only thing they care about…

Most definitely

9: Last person to talk on the phone?

Um…. Me?

Again I don’t think this is a question….

10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?

No

I’d hope not

11: When’s your birthday?

September 29th

October 3rd

12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?

I do, like it was yesterday

Intoxicating

13: What kind of phone do you have?

iPhone

iPhone!

14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

Sweats

None?

15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?

Most definitely

I don’t thinks so but I don’t feel I’ve changed all too much.

16: What were you doing at 4 am?

Sleeping

Um….working out~

17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?

Paper

Speech

18: Are you lying to yourself about something?

Everyday

No

19: Last night you felt…?

Alone

Invigorated

20: What’s something you cannot wait for?

Peace

Babies!

21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different?

No, never.

I didn’t know my parents but you need to learn how to ask actual questions….

22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

8?

4…. I was a little restless

23: Are you a morning or night person?

Morning

Morning definitely

24: What did you get your last bruise from?

Walking into the table

……lips…..

25: Do you reply to all of your texts?

Yes

Not always

26: Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?

Answer it

Answer

27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

No

Yes~

28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with?

Yes……. Greatly

Nope I’m good

29: How many months until your birthday?

8

9

30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?

Banana

Hmm~

31: Did you like this past summer?

It was nice

Sure

32: What were you doing before you got on the computer?

Gardening

Painting

33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do?

Nothing

Uh, be happy for them

34: What is the last thing you said out loud?

I love you guys

I love you

35: Your mood summed into one work?

Grilled Cheese

Work? You mean word…. Good my mood is good

36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey?

Nope

Just getting annoyed at your terrible “questions”

37: What are your initials?

KM

DM

38: Are you a happy person?

Not always

Yes!

39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago?

Yes

Yes

40: Where do you want to live when your older?

By the sea

In the mountains

41: Have you had your birthday this year?

No

Bro find more questions you’ve asked about my birthday 3 times….. but no

42: What did you do yesterday?

Garden

Spoiled a girl

43: What will you be doing tomorrow?

Gardening

Not sure yet

44: How late did you stay up last night?

10?

2

45: Is there anyone you would do anything for?

My children and their father

My family

46: Is it hard to make you laugh?

Sometimes

No

47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends?

Yes

Why couldn’t they?

48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again?

Rationally no…. But I could see it…

Well I don’t have an ex and I don’t plan to

49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012?

There may have been someone but I don’t remember

The fuck? That was over a decade ago. None

50: Do you wish your ex was dead?

No

Don’t have an ex

51: Have you ever dyed your hair?

Yes blonde

Oh yeah many colors~

52: Would ever take back someone that cheated?

Yes. After we’ve talked of course but not blindly.

I agree with Kiyo

53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable?

It was good.

I don’t know, was it even?

54: Bet you’re missing someone right now?

Of course, always

Hmm no not really

55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?

They’re dead

No clue

56: Sleep on your back or stomach?

Both

Stomach mostly

57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be ?

Tropical island

Somewhere in the mountains

58: What would you change about your life right now?

My love life…

Nothing

59: Has anything upset you in the past week?

Of course it has

Nope

60: Are you on the phone?

No

Yes~

61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back?

Back

Back

62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?

40,000

The cash

63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?

Yes

Not that I recall

64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

Yes

No

65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework?

No

Oh yeah

66: Are you the type of person who liks to be out or at home?

Home

Out on the town!

67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up?

N-….. yes

No

68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?

No

Yes

69: Could you use some sleep right now?

Yes

Yes

70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18?

I’m 40 and I have 5 kids already

I’m 30

71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you?

Yes but I can understand why they would

Depends on their reasoning

72: What’s your favorite color?

Maroon

Purple

73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked?

Uh…. Yes

The fu k kind of questions is that? Of course!

74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?

No

Yes

75: Do you get annoyed easily?

No

Oh yeah

76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?

Yes

Sure if they like

77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?

No

Yes

78: Does anyone call you babe?

Not anymore

Yes

79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

None

One

80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand?

Currently nothing

Relationship

81: What color hoodie did you wear last?

Navy

Black

82: Is there someone who meant alot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore?

Yes, but they are around

Nope I have my lover~

@kittencrewtkc

[melissawebb-avocado]

1: Name

Milinda

2: Age

24

3: 3 Fears

Losing everyone, being alone, people seeing me for how i see my self

4: 3 things I love

My daughter, my husband, my sister

5: 4 turns on

Fatherly, back rubs, asking about my day, takes charge

6: 4 turns off

Dosent listen, trys to take without asking, yelling, procrastinating

7: My best friend

Brianna my sister

8: Sexual orientation

Straight

9: My best first date

Went to make pottery and then to dinner and an arcade

10: How tall am I

5"9

11: What do I miss

My home in chandler

12: What time were I born

2 pm

13: Favorite color

Teal

14: Do I have a crush

My husband

15: Favorite quote

"Most of us are gifted with the

ability to see the monsters hidden

within another, but are unable

to see past them.

It takes a special kind of person

to see the light inside of every

living being."

- Lynette Simeone

16: Favorite place

Oceanside beach

17: Favorite food

Sushi

18: Do I use sarcasm

Yes but only with those im close with

19: What am I listening to right now

Always AJR but the trolls 3 music

20: First thing I notice in new person

How they mingle with new people or stick with the person they know ignoring new people

21: Shoe size

11

22: Eye color

Hazel

23: Hair color

Brown, waiting to dye mt hair a copper red brown

24: Favorite style of clothing

Graphic t and baggy jeans

25: Ever done a prank call?

Yes.

27: Meaning behind my URL

Its my first ever book i wrote in middle school

28: Favorite movie

Howls moving castle

29: Favorite song

AJR object in motion

30: Favorite band

AJR

31: How I feel right now

Depressed

32: Someone I love

My daughter

33: My current relationship status

Married 💍

34: My relationship with my parents

BFF with my MIL and FIL call them every other day. Talk to my mom whenever i can. Forgave my dad but wont ever forget.

35: Favorite holiday

The days before Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

C section scar

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

None

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

To find more fans aboit the series i loved

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

I dont talk to any of them.

40: Do I ever get "good morning" or "good night" texts?

No because we say it to each other when we go to bed together

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

My husband?

42: When did I last hold hands?

Last night

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

Im a stay at home mom so i wake up and thats it.

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?

Yesterday

45: Where am I right now?

Siting on the couch watching my daughter play

46: If I were drunk & can't stand, who's taking care of me?

My husband but my sister is taking me to him.

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

LOUD

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

i live with my husband now

49. Am excited for anything?

To get pregnant with my 2nd kid in summer!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

My husband

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

Not as much anymore. I used to be very good at hiding my emotions no one knew but after years of therapy my face is easy to read.

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

Last night

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

I hope it would be my daughter. But i would probably cry since i dont feel pretty anymore since ive gained weight after birth.

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

Nope. All the people i used to trust that were toxic i dont talk to or give them anything from me anymore.

55: What is something I disliked about today?

My husband is working and theres no wifi

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

My old therapist.

57: What do I think about most?

The future, where im not stressed about bills, healthcare, or living somewhere i dont. Planing my future home.

58: What's my strangest talent?

Imagination

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

Speaking in public

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind!!!!

61: What was the last lie I told?

Im fine

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Phone

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Ghosts are real. I beilve there is other life in the universe but they look like you and me. Not movie aliens.

64: Do I believe in magic?

No

65: Do I believe in luck?

Yes. Sometimes you just wake up with a good start and it keeps pulling you forward.

66: What's the weather like right now

It snowed yesterday

67: What was the last book I've read?

The last olympian percy jackson

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

No

69: Do I have any nicknames?

Mina

70: What was the worst injury I've ever had?

Tore my esophagus from throwing up so much for months

71: Do I spend money or save it?

Spend on temu

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

No

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

My daughters strawberry baby blanket

74: Favorite animal?

Axolotal

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

Watching tik tok

76: What do I think is Satan's last name is?

Hellboy

77: What's a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Trolls 3 better place

78: How can you win my heart?

Random acts of kindness

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

The hardest thing she did was survive and she lived through it all.

80: What is my favorite word?

Cascade

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

Basbardbin, moringmark, buggachat,

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

Just a reminder that by the time your child is 18, they will already have spent 93% of the time they will spend with you in their lifetime. So go on that adventure, because you can always get your money back, but you'll never get those years back.

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

No

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

Read peoples minds

85: What would be a question I'd be hesitate to tell the truth on?

86: What is my current desktop picture?

Me and my daughter in the sand at the beach

87: Had sex?

Uh yeah.

88: Bought condoms?

Nope

89: Gotten pregnant?

Yep

90: Failed a class?

Nope

91: Kissed a boy?

Yepppp

92: Kissed a girl?

Nope

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

Yep, my husband

94: Had job?

Yep. 5 jobs

95: Left the house without my wallet?

Yeah util i atached my keys and my wallet together

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

No

97: Had sex in public?

In a car parked on the side of the street.

98: Played on a sports team?

Soccer, volleyball, swimteam, softball

99: Smoked weed?

No

100: Did drugs?

No

101: Smoked cigarettes?

No

102: Drank alcohol?

No

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

No

104: Been overweight?

Still am.

105: Been underweight?

No

106: Been to a wedding?

Yes, mine and my best friends and SIL

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

Yep

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

Yep, just watched avatar 1 and 2

109: Been outside my home country?

Mexico.

110: Gotten my heart broken?

Yep

111: Been to a professional sports game?

collage games?

112: Broken a bone?

Broke my radias of my wrist riding my bike

113: Cut myself?

Tried to. Kept to scratching.

114: Been to prom?

No

115: Been in airplane?

Yes. Terrified

116: Fly by helicopter?

No

117: What concerts have I been to?

None

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

No

119: Learned another language?

No

120: Wore make up?

Try to at least.

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

Nope

122: Had oral sex?

Yes

123: Dyed my hair?

Not yet

124: Voted in a presidential election?

No

125: Rode in an ambulance?

No

126: Had a surgery?

Yes, c section

127: Met someone famous?

President uchdorf

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

My exs and their girlfriends

129: Peed outside?

Yep, road trips

130: Been fishing?

Yep with my dad. Hoping to have a better experience one day

131: Helped with charity?

In high school and middle school. Worked for toys for tots.

132: Been rejected by a crush?

Yeah. High school asked a boy out to go bowling.

133: Broken a mirror?

No

134: What do I want for birthday?

Dnd table or 3d printer.