#it's also kinda just weighing my anxiety and health against the positive effects of having a crush on someone and the motivation it brings
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#the crush is going away unfortunately i can feel it slipping away from my fingers#this is probably for the better i can be a little bit more normal now but i. it's like a hyperfixation that keeps me going#how else do i entertain myself and will myself to get out of bed and look hot /hj#kk rambles#it kinda does suck i wish there was a term i could coin for the type of aromantic i was im sure there's a term out there#but it'd be easier to just throw it out instead of having to explain clumsily that oh i just only catch feelings for ppl who are xxx yyy#here are all the boxes you need to check don't do anything silly with this information /j#it's also kinda just weighing my anxiety and health against the positive effects of having a crush on someone and the motivation it brings#some ppl are great to have a crush on. some ppl are not. and it makes my health worse. and my body just goes ok too much dial it back#and suddenly it's like being cleared of a status effect lol#i mean for the long run this is better ig i probably need to learn to rewire my brain chemistry so im not constantly chasing that dopamine#and in general im much chiller as a friend than a partner and some ppl don't like it when friends have crushes on them (me)#i just can't sit still with myself if im not obsessed over something to some degree at every waking hour#and im just worried abt getting into a depressive slump if im not motivated for something#unfortunately i am the type to be more motivated to do things for someone else's sake rather than my own so#im also. lowkey wondering if im just. dissociating and that's why things are starting to feel weird and go away#tw health
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