#it's abt the mutual pining babey!!!

[soleilnomoon]

hello!! ive been seeing some of the requests for your current event and they have just been so amazing 😩 and also congrats on 500!! that’s amazing!

i was wondering if i could order dulce de leche, lemon drop, and lollipop with a topping of poppy seeds and caramel for 1, sabo from one piece. if not thats alright or if i didn’t request correctly please let me know! thank you sm!

i am so sry this took forever, but it's here (finally); thank you thank you 🥰️ still can't believe it tbh lmao lemme tell u i love sabo so much & yk i love angst, anyway i had fun writing this 💕

1.8k words, fem reader, nsfw, 18+ mdni, angst angst babey (altho it's a lil tame to me, but i love that shit so ignore me); sabo loves being in denial, that's his favorite river; y/n, as usual, doesn't care abt consequences; feat. oral (m receiving), rough (consensual) sex, mutual pining, sabo being a dumbass for ignoring his obvious feelings, y/n not having any self-preservation is just normal y/n behavior lbr 🌺 (if u see grammar/spelling errors no u didn't 💛)

“the kiss i didn’t give you has become a star inside me…” — dulce maría loynaz

for sabo, life is all about routine; not in the mundane sense, but in his quest for needing to have consistent control over every aspect of his life, he thrives on having a path laid out for him. he can’t help it — it’s something that was carefully ingrained into him since he was a child. he blames his parents, blames the world he was born into, blames the world nobles for uprooting his newfound family and separating him from his brothers. yet, he holds steadfast in the work he does, finds pleasure in seeking justice wherever he can, and makes it a point to not make the sort of romantic connections that will keep him distracted.

his colleagues don’t bother prying him for more information on his previous life, and they know that he actively keeps people at an arm’s length for some unknown reason — not that they can judge him, their line of work is dangerous and there’s very little room for mistakes, or weakness for that matter.

you’re not sure what you did exactly to land on sabo’s radar, but once he set his eyes on you there was no option for turning back. not that you mind, of course — you just hate the way you can’t seem to penetrate any of the walls he’s securely built around himself. he gives very little of himself but demands everything from you.

to anyone else, this would be reason enough to cut him out of their life; but you, unfortunately, cannot let him go. if you do, you’re afraid he’ll never let you back in — not after you fought so hard for him to stay by your side.

in his mind, you’re someone that he can quit anytime; it’s a lie he likes to tell himself whenever he’s feeling particularly lonely or vulnerable. he hates that despite how hard he fights to keep you from plaguing his thoughts, you still manage to find a way — especially late at night, when he can’t seem to sleep. insomnia has always had a strong, punishing grip around him, often leaving him breathless from the way he can’t seem to stop thinking about you.

at first, it was because you kept insisting on talking to him socially; then it was because he allowed you to take meals with him privately, a feat that did not go unnoticed by the others, much to his annoyance; and then it was because you had the audacity to kiss his cheek one night, after talking with him for hours. your demure behavior — the sweet, shy smile you gave him afterwards, the way you couldn’t look at him in the eyes properly the following day —ignites something deep within him that he never knew existed.

an ache makes its way into his chest, and he finds himself rubbing at it absently periodically, as if the burden of those emotions would take his life someday. while he might not outwardly show it, he looks forward to your incessant chatter — you talk about everything and nothing, something that baffles and amuses him to no end. with anyone else, he’d zone out of their conversation five minutes in, but you captivate him in an illogical way — one that has him watching you from across the room without meaning to, thinking about impractical things.

it's sabo who kisses you first, on a surprisingly quiet afternoon, in a back hallway that very few frequent during the day. a mistake, he tells himself when you part your lips for him without prompting; unnecessary, but he has you against the wall, with his knee in between your thighs; dangerous, yet he keeps kissing you anyway. he holds you still with a firm hand on the back of your neck, goosebumps tickling your skin every time his tongue caresses yours.

when you place your hands on his chest, arching into his hold as his other hand makes a slow descent down your back, he remembers himself. it takes effort but he’s able to extract himself from you in one swift motion, suddenly aware that he’s crossed a line he swore he’d never cross. after putting a good foot of distance between you two, he leaves abruptly and without giving you another thought.

or, so you think.

you don’t move from that spot for a few minutes, hands balled into fists at your sides, nails sinking into your palms out of frustration. you tell yourself that you absolutely cannot fall in love with that man. but it happens far too quickly and you’re incapable of fortifying yourself properly in time. he doesn’t kiss you again after that, not really anyway; he takes to catching you off guard when you walk back to your room late at night.

the first time he does it, he wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you to him. you screech in surprise and slap him on reflex. mischievous and a little stunned, sabo laughs at your reaction — your face grows hot from the embarrassment. his idea of an apology is pulling you close enough for him to drag his lips along the side of your neck. any residual irritation immediately dissipates the moment he places a kiss on your skin, an act that saps all your common sense, and transforms you into a marionette of his liking.

after that, you come to expect his surprise visits; you let him sit you on top of his desk, legs shaking as he thrusts his fingers in and out of your tight hole. you’ve long since forgotten to keep your voice down as you lean back on your hands, mind hazy as you watch the way your arousal drips onto his palm. if he wasn’t so intent on keeping his promise to himself, he’d kiss you all over again; but he knows if he does, there will be no turning back.

and this sort of weakness is out of the question for him.

you realize quickly that he’ll always distance himself from you emotionally, refusing to hold you for long, always pulling back whenever his lips are too close to yours. despite the bruise on your heart never healing, you can’t seem to let him go.

sabo fucks you like you’re an addiction he can’t seem to quit. no matter how many times he tells himself to leave, he makes his way back to you, hips rutting against yours frenetically, his cock buried deeply, making you moan his name loud enough to mesmerize him.

witchcraft, he muses to himself on occasion, fully believing that you’ve cast some spell on him.

his selfishness wins out when you sink down onto your knees in front of him one morning, stroking his cock with your soft hand before pressing your lips against the tip. whatever residual restraint he has is gone after your tongue swipes against his slit. the moan that slips out of his mouth invigorates you, makes you wrap your plush lips around his cock, sucking on the head teasingly before taking in more of his length.

you watch him with lowered lids, moaning around his cock, the vibration slicing through his logic as he grabs onto the back of your head so he can properly fuck your mouth. loosening your jaw, you hold onto the backs of his thighs for support, a heat passing over you every time sabo’s hips snap forward. your mouth is warm and moist, a combination that has him moaning your name without thinking. your heart speeds up and he ignores the warmth that spreads through him when he looks at your face; he constantly marvels at your beauty, at your soft skin, at how pliant and obedient you can be.

it annoys him that he’s found himself this deeply invested in you; when he pulls his cock out of your mouth, you take several deep breaths, a few tears sliding down your cheeks, a bit of saliva gliding down your bottom lip. the look he gives you is fierce and somewhat feral, and suddenly a nervousness that you don’t anticipate infiltrates your thoughts when he tells you to get on the bed.

he doesn’t have to tell you to get on your hands and knees, but he does it anyway; you severely underestimate the way his voice affects you — always a commanding, impressive force that leaves you breathless as you rub your ass against his stiff cock. you know you’re toeing a dangerous line by doing that, but you’re beyond caring. sabo glides his cock between your folds, arousal coating his length immediately.

you whimper shamelessly, fingers curling into the sheets as you plead with him. “sabo, please, i can’t take it anymore.” whatever else you want to say comes out as a garbled noise and you choke on his name as he snaps his hips forward, thrusting his cock into you roughly. you squirm when he pulls on your hair, yanking you back to him, lips nipping at your skin.

“stop running,” he says gruffly, his words almost making you laugh.

you could tell him the same since you theorized a while ago that he’s perfected the art of running. he doesn’t kiss you when you turn your head to look at him ��� he rocks his hips forward, the tip of his cock reaching a spot that has you clawing at his arms, your cunt squeezing around his girth in retaliation. he doesn’t kiss you when he has you on your back, legs draped over his shoulders as he pounds into you mercilessly, your voice growing hoarse, body writhing underneath him every time he sucks on your skin.

you wish you could hate him for making you fall in love with him, because only love could make someone foolish enough to carry on a relationship like this. you fall a little more in love with him every time, but he always finds a way to shatter your heart when he turns away from you on the bed. he tells you constantly that you can stay or leave, that the choice is ultimately up to you as it doesn’t affect him either way.

it must be madness that drives you to stay, wrapping yourself with the covers, breathing slowing as your eyes close. he turns around carefully, watching you with a tenderness that forces him to drape an arm around you, lips ghosting the curve of your ear as he whispers softly.

“i like having you around.”

you open your eyes but don’t dare turn around, afraid that he’ll leave if he realizes that you’re still awake — because if he ever takes those words back, you’ll never survive the fallout. so, you will your heart to stop beating loudly, and tell yourself that this must mean he’s lowering more of his walls for you intentionally. you don’t know how long he’ll allow himself to be this vulnerable with you, but regardless you’ll always cherish the time he’s spent with you.

[notabloodmage]

Anders Clinic: early Act 1

hello! i am handers trash! here is the first time my hawke helped Anders around the clinic! thank u!

The clinic was crowded today. There was another fever burning its way through Darktown. Anders was stretched thin as it is, with very few volunteers in recent days to help him keep the clinic running and safely hidden. As it turned out-- operating for free meant that help was hard to find. His mana was low, even with the extra reserves that Justice granted him. The clinic was overrun with patients-- his little corner of Darktown a filled with a cacophony of retching and the groans of the ill. He shuffled tiredly, but with purpose, from patient to patient. He was grateful that Justice wouldn’t let him rest until the job was done. It wasn’t good for Anders, sure, but it helped save the lives of all these people, so it had to be worth it, right? 

“Uh, Anders?” A familiar voice broke through the crowd. Hawke was… unexpected. The little rogue had weaved her way through the crowd somehow to make it to his side. He didn’t even look up from his work to greet here, focusing on blue fade-energy pulsing at his fingertips. 

“Sorry, Hawke, but I really don’t think I can be of any help to you today,” Anders said balefully. He was knelt over an old woman, a Ferelden refugee not unlike the rogue before him.

“Er, actually, I was wondering if I could help you…” 

That made him look up, and the sight was so beautiful it made his head spin (or perhaps it was the fact that he was going on 50+ hours without sleep). 

Hawke was looking down with her signature crooked grin, brow cocked with concern at his appearance. She wasn’t wearing her armour like usual, he’d never seen her without it before, all that tan freckled skin in the open. She was wearing a casual peasant shirt with a hastily lased collar and simple trousers torn at the knees. He snapped his eyes onto her warm brown gaze to keep them from wandering. Her eyes always had a twinkle in them, somehow, like she knew something you didn’t. 

She just had a way with people, Anders supposed, even the woman he was treating seemed to relax at her mere presence. 

And more than that, he realised, she may as well have been handing him a pot of gold. She was holding out a basket of fresh picked herbs. Elfroot, Embrium, Blood Lotus-- everything he could possibly need to treat this flu. She beamed when he looked up at her incredulously. 

“Bethany is here too, somewhere-- healing isn’t her speciality but Father did teach her the basics. And I may not be a mage, but I do know my way around a cauldron.” She winked down at him, turning toward the back of the shop. “You do have a cauldron, right? Or at least a pot I can cook with?” 

“I… What?” Anders gaped--half-convinced the exhaustion had finally gotten to him and he was hallucinating. Hawke giggled.

“A cauldron, Anders, so I can make some healing potions for these people. Father used to make this awful potion for us whenever we were sick, it tastes like the void itself but it always works! I’m not as good as he was but I do know the recipe!” She looked back at him quizzically.

“There’s a cauldron on the fire near the back, miss.” One of his other patients, a young boy who had been in the clinic before spoke up for him. 

Anders still couldn’t believe this was happening. This couldn’t be some kind of stress-induced hallucination, could it? Hawke wasn’t really just sweeping in to solve his problems again was she? First with Karl and now this...

“That’s… I…”

Before Anders could fully process the situation he was whisked back into his work. 

The sunset bled the day into night, the work still hard but going significantly more smoothly now. He’d bumped shoulders with Bethany a few times throughout the day, who’d always given him an encouraging smile before returning to her work, she may not have been as adept as he was at healing but she did better than fine. Her proficiency with the elements kept the fire burning and kept them supplied with clean water so Anders could focus solely on his healing abilities. The atmosphere of the clinic had changed, it was no longer so frantic, and although he felt as though he was about to collapse with exhaustion, Anders was cautiously optimistic. With all the help they’d been able to give it looked like most of the refugees would actually survive this. 

Plus, Hawke wasn’t kidding. She did know her way around a cauldron. Between patients Anders caught glimpses at her slicing up herbs at an alarming speed, Anders hadn’t considered that he proficiency with daggers would translate to something as mundane as chopping up potion ingredients. She’d brought more than enough, too.  With this potion a little goes a long way, she’d assured him, and she proved herself right. Sip after agonising sip of the sludge-like fluid had patients perking up already. She’d even been able to slip in a lyrium potion or two to keep Bethany and Anders running late into the evening. 

She hummed a cheery little tune to herself as she stirred away, serving patients with a smile and a joke. She made it look so easy, but she had to tired by now...

The clinic finally began to slow around midnight, most of the patients had cleared out and those that remained were asleep. Hawke had sent Bethany home before sundown-- Leandra got nervous when Bethany was out late, apparently-- so it was just the two of them that remained, in the back of the clinic. Anders was warming himself by the fireplace, hands gripping his mug tightly to keep them from trembling with exhaustion, as he sipped the tea Hawke had pushed into his hands. It smelled like like home somehow-- Ferelden. 

Mint, fennel and elfroot, sweetened with honey.

Hawke bit back a yawn, she was sat on a stool, scrubbing out his old cauldron-- he’d gotten it second-hand after he’d set up shop down here.

Her curly brown hair was tied back with a white rag, and at some point she had lost her overshirt, leaving her in tight camisole. Anders tried desperately to ignore how it gave him the perfect view of the way her chest heaved as she worked. Her toned, tanned arms were in full view, every inch of her skin patterned intricately with freckles. Sweat dripped down her neck into the valley between her breasts and Anders cleared his throat in an attempt to clear his thoughts.

“Thank you for today, really. I don’t know what I’d have done without you.” He fixed his gaze on hers once more. She was smiling at him with something that looked like admiration her amber eyes, and he didn’t know if that terrified him or turned him on. 

Maybe both.

“I can’t believe you do this every day… I don’t even think I can stand back up…” Hawke leaned back, setting the cauldron aside so she could stretch, letting out a sweet sound of satisfaction at the relief on her sore muscles.

Anders nearly cursed aloud when Justice forced him to avert his gaze.

“It’s not always this bad…” He stammered out, as Hawke stood focusing his eyes on the hearth, where the fire had burned down to coals. She was looking at him again. He could see it from the corner of his eye, she was studying him intently, it seemed. 

The silence hung over them--warm, wanting, and not quite comfortable. 

Anders wanted to thank her again, but he couldn’t find the words. He still couldn’t believe she’d come at all. Completely unprompted, unasked. He’d asked her a few hours in what she was doing there and all she’d said was that Varric told her was busy at the clinic and she wanted to help. She didn’t say how she got the herbs or found the time, in her busy schedule though, and Anders thought that maybe he should ask if he could pay for those... not that he could afford them, he thought bitterly. 

The silence was broken by Hawke bursting into a fit of giggles. 

He looked at her, brow creasing. She was… Odd. Always smiling, always laughing at something or other. She’d tripped over her feet on the way up the Chantry steps that first night they’d met and he could’ve sworn her laugh echoed through all of Hightown, far too loud for someone as small in stature as she. In that moment she’d put him at ease, and even though his meeting with Karl went as terribly as it did she stuck by his side, even inviting him out on jobs with her in the days after, knowing full well that he could use the money, and time out of Darktown. 

Her eyes glimmered with mirth as she turned to him.

“I just realised I never told you my name.”

Huh. 

So she hadn’t. 

It was strange, given how much they’d been through together in the, what, few weeks? Since they’d met? Anders found himself laughing alongside her. 

Maybe they were delirious-- maybe the fever had finally caught up to them-- but Maker did the two of them laugh.  A gross, hard day full of grief and sickness that had left them both worn and covered in vomit and the pair laughed themselves to tears. 

Justice was confused. Anders was laughing. Why was Anders laughing? 

Anders didn’t quite know the answer himself, but he figured it didn’t matter as Hawke extended a hand to him. 

“I’m Minerva Marian Hawke, and you are?”

He took her hand in his. His handshake was a little too firm in an attempt to disguise how his hands were trembling. 

“Anders. Just Anders.”

“Just Anders, hm? Coooool~” She grinned, voice regaining its familiar teasing quality. He couldn’t help but return her grin. “Well, Just Anders, I’ll come by tomorrow, okay? I think it’s time to get some rest. Both of us, okay?” Her eyes flickered over him, an expression of genuine concern on her face. Anders didn’t know what he’d done to earn such kindness from her, but he couldn’t deny the way it made his heart pound in his chest.

She smiled her farewell and turned to leave.

“Goodnight, Minerva.” Her name tasted sweet on his lips. “And thank you.”

[rollingdownthathill]

omg i love your kim kitsuragi art and YES i 100% agree w your post abt the deification of kim. i read a couple fics where kim appears alongside/in place of dora as an innocence in harry's dreams, similarly untouchable and distantly pitying + disgusted, and it was like YEAH that's the dynamic babey. (also hot take i just can't see harrykim actually working. one sided pining, yeah absolutely lmao)

I'd be interested in checking one of them out if you remember any of the titles. I think that reading about it would cause me pain™️ but also I'm really curious to see how it's handled.

About the hot take, yea tbh I can see why. I think it could work but only after they've actually gotten to know each other and after Harry figured out how to stop idolising/deifying people (or at least started working on it)

I do agree that mutual affection with one sided pining is a GREAT dynamic

[jakeabel]

ok @itswarmerinthebasement tagged me in this ask game so here we go (thank you!!💞)

name: sawyer or michael!

gender: agender B)

sign: virgo sun/taurus moon/leo rising

height: 5’4” or 5’5”

time: 7:08 pm central

bday: sept 14 >:)

fav bands: mcr, frnk iero, the used, gym class heroes, and i kind of like this band fallout boy? idk if y’all have heard of them sndnkfnf

fav solo artists: pstump, lemon demon if that counts?, marina + the diamonds,

song stuck in my head: emily by mika

last movie: i watched the first part of ww84 bc i wanted to see chris pine but it was so viscerally horrible that i gave up

last show: spn 😔

when i made this blog: march 22 2016 babey!!

what i post: fob, gay angels, atla/lok, bullshit <3

last thing i googled: how to make wood glue slime 👀

any sideblogs: many but the only 2 i really use are @folieadick and @transadammilligan

do i get asks much: occasionally but they are always welcome 🥺!!

why i chose this url: transgemder fall outboy :)

following: 400!

followers: 215 but tumblr likes to lie to me abt the actual number

avg amount of sleep: used to be like 9 hrs but now it’s like. 5-6 rip

lucky number: i don’t have one but i like 42, 11, 48, and 12 a lot (they’re all green)

do i play instruments: i’ve played piano for half my life, i play baritone okay, and i sort of play bass but i don’t practice ever

what i’m wearing: jeans and a cropped long sleeve striped shirt :3

dream job: paid to think about spn. jk uhhhh being in a Band or something in art/history

dream trip: road trip across america/going to alaska

fav food: always changing butttt chesters hot puffs probably

nationality: usa midwest 😔🌽

last book read: i dont Read Books but im reading the the divergence of divine law by darkmillennium on ao3 rn and it’s. so good.

fav song: calm before the storm by mr. fall out boy <333

fav fictional universe: the version of spn that exists in my head

i have some new mutuals so i’ll tag: @nverbloomagain @questionedturkey and @afterlive 💖💓

[goldcndays]

SO since my intro was very bare bones, i’ve come to follow up w more info and some hcs. KLDJKDJ consider this fox’s intro pt. 2......

fox was raised by a single mom so he’s no stranger to financial struggles. getting into oak park academy and then hatchett was a huge deal, an opportunity he knew may not come around again. he’s forever grateful for the chance to pursue his dreams and as a result he volunteered to lead the aop club as a chance to pay it forward to other students in a similar place as him.

at oak park academy fox was initially pretty nervous so he came off as shy, but after the first few weeks / months he warmed up and became the life of the party. he was extremely popular and friends with everyone, and always throwing parties and shenanigans. (his vibe at hatchett is similar, though maybe less pranks.) if you went to oak park u probably knew him, he was friends with everyone!!!

he’s also a very friendly type at hatchett, he’s always down to listen to problems or just roll a blunt and talk about life. he’s the mom friend and the dad friend all in one, and he’s gotten a reputation for both being the life of the party and a grounding presence. it’s rare that you won’t know who fox is or at least have spoken to him at least once ... or gone to his comedy shows... or seen him run by with some weird thing in his hands. that’s just how it be.

fox is a junior, so he prides himself as being one of the older presences at hatchett. as president of the aop club and member of several other extracurriculars (speak to lead, just for laughs, and the eleusinian circle), he tries to be a welcoming presence to those who are new and offer a helping hand to any who needs it. he likes to think of himself as the official hatchett mascot, though the authenticity of that claim is definitely disputed by faculty.

does this boy ever sleep??? no. with his penchant for energy drinks, a mind constantly running with ideas, and a variety of extracurriculars, fox is always running. if ur his roommate he may keep u up... sorry abt it

wanted connections: 

ROMANTIC

summer fling --- someone he connected with once or twice over the summer but it never was anything serious, they still see each other around campus sometimes and it might be awkward, it might be totally fine --- it’s up to you!

fwb --- someone that fox is close to but it turned romantic one night, maybe they were just chilling and they hooked up, and now they blow off steam together in more ways than one

crushes --- unrequited love, mutual pining, i want it ALLLLL babey. hit me with it!

PLATONIC

friends from oak park --- i want long lasting connections from oak park, people that knew fox back then and know him now. maybe someone who took him under his wing when he joined oak park and has stayed friends with him all this time? people he’s stayed close to throughout the years???? pls.

study buddies --- fox is an academic so he’s always looking to study with more partners and sharpen his mind with fellow intellectuals :~))))

best friends --- fox needs a few confidants who he can open up to about the rougher aspects of his life. he’s normally very bubbly and fine with everything, but in the times he isn’t, he needs a safe space to be able to do that.

ride or die --- u know what... i just need it. give fox his scully thank u

enemies --- create a beef with me, pls, i beg of u

*literally anything else, these are just a few ideas to get us started!

[bronanlynch]

this or that tropes

tagged by @girlfriendsofthegalaxy ty for giving me something to do in this time of working from home while the remote desktop is down for server maintenance  or whatever

Slow Burn or Love at First Sight: the slowest of burns only babey, love at first sight extremely does not vibe w how I experience the world

Fake Dating or Secret Dating: lets you combine pining tropes and also domestic/established relationship tropes which I enjoy of both, also secret dating stresses me out bc oh god what if they get discovered (I’m gay and have lots of anxiety abt. ppl discovering relationships I’m trying to keep quiet. y’know. for reasons)

Enemies to Lovers or Best Friends to Lovers: why not both?? friends to enemies to friends to lovers is Ideal (I love enemies/rivals to friends to lovers but I’m picky abt it)

Oh no, there’s only one bed! or Long Distance with Correspondence: share! that! bed!

Hurt/Comfort or Amnesia: anmesia is extremely Not My Thing and hurt/comfort is the best trope ever invented thank you for coming to my ted talk

Fantasy AU or Modern AU: one of my many true loves is high fantasy nonsense and modern aus tend to bore me unless u keep the sff elements of the original so like. love urban fantasy but if there’s no magic I don’t care

Mutual Pining or Domestic Bliss: if u do fake dating/marriage u get both at once

Smut or Fluff: for writing. for reading it’s neither? plot? drama? angst?

Canon Compliant with Missing Scene or Fix-It Fic: my city now

Alternate Universe or Future Fic: hell yeah love an au

One Shot or Multi-Chapter: I do not have the brains to commit to writing a multi-chapter and I really wish I did but unfortunately,

Kid Fic or Roadtrip: I’ve read like. one (1) kid fic that I enjoyed and roadtrips are a concept that I love as a person bc driving fun

Reincarnation or Character Death: that 25 lives comic changed me as a person. also if I wanted permadeath I would just go back to canon

Arranged Marriage or Accidental Marriage: once again. pining and domesticity at the same time. and like. by arranged marriage I specifically mean like. we gotta get married for Important Political Reasons like. the characters involved are the ones deciding to get married

High School Romance or Middle Aged Romance: how dare u ask if I wanna think abt the concept of high school

Time Travel or Isolated Together: time travel is very stressful, agreed

Neighbors or Roommates: oh my god they were roommates

Sci-Fi AU or Magic AU: [pretentious english major voice] is there really a difference? if you really think abt it?

Bodyswap or Genderbend: bodyswapping stresses me the fuck out and is rarely done well Imo but. I’m trans and have too many opinions abt genderbends to fit here but like. ppl who genderbend one side of a same-sex ship to be a different (cis) gender in order to make it an m/f relationship between 2 cis straight people are cowards and will face my wrath. most other ways of doing genderbends are on thin fucking ice. some ways are probably valid but make me personally uncomfortable so I would prefer not to engage w it

Angst or Crack: angst bc angst w a happy ending is where it’s AT and also. I can’t do crack I have to take things seriously bc I get emotionally invested y’know?

Apocalyptic or Mundane: same answer as why I don’t like modern aus tbh

[doctorwhos]

And I want Dr who fic recs with 10!! I have been having a hard time finding ones that are decent and where the author does a good job with rose. Do you have a list?

oh gosh uh. i can definitely put one together. i have to be a little garbage gremlin and admit that the majority of fics ive been reading recently have been azcrow, with the occasional zimbits thrown in for good measure because sometimes you want your stupid yearning to be canon. (also some parksborn or spideytorch bc i. peter parker?) while writing this up i realized how many fucking aus there are of family of blood, and how long people liked to write them. i tried to do a variation of length, but all of these fics are completed, bc im not a daft person who enjoys reading in progress fics. finished or nothing, im impatient. i also realized how horny people are for tenrose, which can be exhausting when all u wanna read is fluffy soulmate aus bc ur lonely. i think only two fics have a nsfw part, and i noted it in their descriptions, so this rec list is minor friendly ! sorry for so many au’s, i enjoy them too much. 

under my skin by hiddentreasures

a very short, really cute soulmate one shot with human!ten. im a sucker for soulmate aus, and this one was just. really cute. also had donna as tens cousin which i could get behind.

connect-the-dots by fingersfallingupwards

i know you said 10/rose fics but this one. is too much of a classic to not list. it has 10/rose. thats the majority of it tbh. but this one is really good. like above, im a giant fucking sucker for soulmate aus. that shits my bread and butter babey. give me a million of them and id never get bored. and i do love bad wolf rose, and i do love me some donna noble. this one gets pretty angsty in the middle, but its doctor who angsty so its just him pining over rose for a hundred-odd years like a knob.

a shop girl with a broken fob watch by licieoic

an au of the family of blood where its rose instead of martha bc she never got stuck in the parallel universe, and instead of racist old fart teacher john smith, hes alec hardy from broadchurch, because why the fuck not. its really cute, and i enjoyed it probably too much for someone whos never seen a second of broadchurch. there are two nsfw moments, which startled me bc there are Zero tags for it, so watch out. but its very cute, very fun, and alec is a grumpy fart. 

sad, beautiful, tragic (aka me, you, and us). by michellejjones

this one is more a meta on 10/rose than it is actually a fic about them but it was so. sadly beautiful i cant NOT rec it. like. heart wrenching sad yearning my dudes. the doctors love for rose really can be felt across all of his generations.

a thousand languages by mad_lori

this is from 2011, so its before we even like. really knew matt smith as eleven. but its cute !! its also super angsty, but its not that long so it doesnt hurt that much. a fun kinda character analysis on who rose would be if she was consistent through all his regenerations past 9. written really beautifully. surprisingly, rose is more in character than ten is, lmao. hes a bit too grumpy for ten, but too happy for nine. a weirdo combo of the two, but its still fun.

friends with (cuddling) benefits by lostinfic

humannn au !!!!!!! babee !! rose and ten share a flat and the doctor is his radio dj persona. its very soft. its all dumb mutual pining and stupid jokes that actual ten and rose have but like. more human. yknow? feels a bit more realistic. they still have their grand adventures, but less about saving people and more getting trapped in monkey enclosures. 

a way with words by hiddentreasures

hi my name is atlas neilgaimananti and i have a thing for both human aus AND soulmate aus, APPARENTLY ! this one is short and sweet and straight to the point. but i sure do love ten being a science fiction author.. its such a dorky thing for him to do it make sense. and also very much chaotic idiot representation here.

never ever by itooktheonelesstraveled

doomsday fix? dont mind if i do ! this one a huge comedy, tbh. a lot of switching up companions from different points, just to make sure that rose doesnt fall into the parallel world and donna doesnt marry lance. theres a nsfw scene between eleven and rose, but its more funny than anything else.

no rose without a thorn by morningsound15

this one is actually tentoo/rose, but its.. really cute. apparently im a sucker for rose being in love with all of the doctors regenerations, bc ive kept on reading them. tentoo regenerates whenever the doctor does in his world, but also like, keeps aging with rose. kinda complicated, but it does bring up a lot of questions abt their relationship, and also tentoo and how they view the doctor. the same but separate. its. a good fic, and a good character study on tentoo. 

its complicated series by tardisistheonlywaytotravel

atlas back with another au? ur right weary traveler, and buckle up, cause this ones hilarious. thats all im saying about it. it has a happy ending where rose snogs nine in front of ten to spite him, and the two of them are married, to everyone elses annoyance, bc theyre in love and gross. how is it an au? youll see.

blinded by the light by hiddentreasures

wow atlas another fic by hiddentreasures? ANOTHER human soulmate au? yes leave me alone this is my own rec list, i can do what i want. and i love when writers make ten and donna cousins. its so funny to me. a fucking king, international superstar james noble. 

ive been working on this rec list for like TWO DAYS now and its 3am and i just wnana go to bed, so this is it ! i think its a decent list --- sorry the majority of them are one shots i have teh attention span of a toddler. if you want more recs, let me know !! if u give me more specifics, like aus or doomsday fixes and stuff, i could probably give u a much neater list lmao. 

[euphoriecs]

11/11/11 tag !!!

thank u sm for tagging me @yikescomma​, @buckaroowrites​ nd @yikeskimi​ !!!

rules: answer 11 questions, write your own 11, tag 11 people !

under the cut bc its a Lotta questions KSKSKSHK

yikescomma’s questions!!

1. what’s your favourite place to write?

oh this is ?? kind of a tough one bc i feel like i never Branched out in my spaces when it comes 2 being productive,, like a lot of my work is done in my bedroom just bc my desk is there and it’s the most convenient,,,, honestly im jus gonna say my favorite place to write would be from . my desk . bc it faces the window :-)

2. which character(s) from your wip(s) is your favourite?

since i only have wtsf confidently worked out ,, i’ll use those ocs !! but i think , quite Honestlie ,,, that wendy is my favorite character !! im rly in love with how she progresses as a person nd also she’s jsut . she gets it u know .

3. what are some inspirations for your wip(s)?

I TALKED ABT THIS BEFORE but b/ts’ hyyh series, my neighborhood, spring day by b/ts are a few inspirations for wtsf !!! 

4. how did you start writing?

my dad got me hooked on reading when i was really really young !! and being able to read abt all these huge worlds nd being given an opportunity 2 fall in love w them rly inspired me to want to write worlds of my own . plus , i watch a lot of different shows nd animes that feed into my daydreams nd sometimes im like ‘yo,,, that was a good daydream,,,,, time 2 story it’ .

5. which of your ocs is most difficult to write?

uHGHHGHGS ARTHUR ...... trying to capture this like . enigmatic feeling while keeping close 2 his reasons for acting That way is actually ,, rly hard?? hes a tough cookie 2 crack but i will crack it .

6. what aesthetic do you associate with your wip(s)?

for wtsf ,,, quiet towns , lonely beaches , sunset nd sunrise ,,, running through the streets ?? 

7. do you like planning?

YEA !! i see it more as like . being able to explore ur wip and what directions it can take nd its also jsut rly helpful to have a solid foundation .

8. what is your favourite quote from your wip(s)?

i pulled this from my drabbles but: “Slow down.” Wendy grabbed Arthur’s wrist, pulling him down to sit on the sand. “This world can’t keep up with you.”

9. do you like to listen to music while you write?

yes and no ?? im very particular to the kind of music im listening to nd more often than not, i write in complete silence ,,, but sometimes i’ll find a song that i feel rly fits the vibe of what im writing nd i just put it on repeat HGSHJK

10. what do you like most about your own writing?

i think i like the descriptive aspects of it ?? like how i describe places nd feelings ,,,, :-) !

11. what are/were/would be your ocs favourite subjects in school?

everyone except piper in wtsf is graduated from high school but ,, wendy liked english class the best bc it was fun nd she got good grades !! rafael definitely loved psychology nd took it at an ap level ,, arthur liked math nd chemistry .. chemistry he liked More bc he got 2 blow stuff up SKKSKSEH and piper likes world history!! tho shes not good at it . but she likes it!!

buckaroowrites’ questions!!

what is your favorite subgenre to write? to read?

i lov urban fantasy and low fantasy JGHDSHGJKS like its my favorite to write nd read bc like .. o heck ?? ghosts nd ghouls nd just overall supernatural stuff irl ?? that’s the way 2 go

if you had to be trapped on a desert island with any of your ocs, who would it be and why?

if i had 2 be trapped on a desert island ...... i’d probably choose rafael . honestlie he just seems like he always knows what’s up nd my chances of survival would increase w him JHGJKSJKS

what is your favorite medium to write?

definitely novels !! its a format i’ve pretty much grown up w and im more comfortable w this medium than any others GHSHJKS but i’d love to explore like ,, screenplays nd see where that takes me

who was your first oc?

HYLLY SHITTTT THIS BRINGS ME BACK SJHJHJGJKS i used to draw a lot back when i was younger nd so i had this oc JHJS his name was ian and he was meant for the maximum ride universe but he was a dumb dude who was 2% cat . nd he had an adopted sister ,, i forgot her name but she was part bird .

what was your first wip about?

world end club is supposed 2 be abt a group of teens who work together 2 take down a corporation that wants 2 essentially control the artificial island they live on thru engineered soldiers . ITS A CONCEPT ,, nd it requires a little Too Much for my one brain cell to think abt

thoughts on shakespeare?

uhhh no thots bc i never read his work in high school i jus know macbeth is cursed .... wow i rly dont know anything abt shakespeare huh .

poetry or prose?

o this is TOUGH i rly adore both .......... im gonna . im gonna go w prose . i lvoe poetry so much sometimes there are lines that just rly fucken punch u in the face but im gonna go w prose bc its familiar !!

would you ever co-write a story?

nO ..... i wouldnt b able 2 compromise i’d jus b like oH ACTUALLY SKSKKS MY IDEA’S DUMB LETS JUST DO URS 

write what you want to write or write what you want to read/watch?

oh . fuc .... i feel like its important to have a good balance of both but . honestlie im very partial to what i want to read/watch ..

do you like to write violence?

i dont Like 2 write it but its In My Wips !

what is your favorite trope?

oH ,, probably ‘fire forged friends’ or like . mutual pining ... i have too many favorite tropes nd somehow im gonna incorporate them all .

yikeskimi’s questions!!

Tell us about the main character(s) in your current WIP!

oKAY SO im gonna try to not make this too long SJKHJGS !! wendy is a very like . prickly character . shes like a cactus . nd she’s not too fond of letting ppl get close, but the ppl who do manage to get close to her are happie 2 learn she would actually die for them . loyalty is a Huge Huge part of her character, and she cares very deeply abt the people she calls family . shes also v sarcastic nd like . ‘open ur eyes dummy’ .

arthur is a kind of person who lives heavily on false pretenses . like he projects this image bc its an image that he can control nd he jsut Rolls w it , but hes actually someone who likes 2 tease his friends nd be friendly to them ,, hes got Issuez nd is very much the type of person to be like ‘o lol im ok :-)...’ nd prioritize the needs of others 

rafael is , in all honesty , just babey . he studied a lot during high school nd rly pushed himself beyond his limits bc he wants to be able 2 go 2 a good college on scholarship nd get a job 2 support his family , nd hes just ?? very responsible nd sweet but that can also manifest into him taking on more than he should nd burning out . 

piper is a very ,, honestlie kinda sad character kjHGJSJ she spends a lot of time just trying 2 appeal to other ppl bc she knows her interest in the supernatural make her a ‘weird’ person nd she wants to be able 2 have real friends ,, but when she learns 2 let go of this she’s very silly nd always making jokes During The Right time ..

Do you have an all time favorite OC? Tell us about them!

hMMMM i dont think i do ??? my memory of my ocs is rly bad JHSJ so more often than not i just ,, rip i dont remember them </3

If you could be best friends with one of your OCs, who would it be and why?

ms piper chaiyathan !!!! shes a very open nd kind individual nd i feel like our humor nd joking style would match V v v well !!!

Last line you’ve written in your WIP?

Wendy, unlike her brothers Adam and Nate, had inherited her father’s rough touch, and that made them both unwanted in the high stakes setting of a diner kitchen.

If you have a chosen title for your WIP, were there any titles you considered before it? And if not, what are some titles you’re thinking of?

when the sun falls went through SO many titles nd i actually have them all here: where the sun goes / fever dreams / above the sun / where the sun follows / the drowned sun ... as u can see the sun was smth i Needed .

What is an important element in the world your WIP takes place in?

uHHHH the supernatural element is . Very important but i cant be too specific about it but i will tell u it involves a dead tree on the beach .

Tell us an out of context spoiler.

arthur gets a cool new set of eyes.

Any power couples/ships in your WIP?

wendy nd arthur babey ,,,,,, bat nd molotov cocktail duo ,,,, last name central until the important moment nd THEN they use each other’s first names ..

Any music you like listening to while you write?

uHHHH specifically for wtsf i listen 2 a lot of hozier, lorde, conan gray, khalid nd halsey :-)

What would your main character(s) favorite song be?

oH okay i got this in the BAG ... wendy’s favorite song would Absolutely be work place by hozier or more than sorrow by a-lin ,,, arthur would definitely b listening 2 like . free spirit by khalid .. piper, since she p much spent all of middle school nd 2 years of high school in thailand ,, i think she’

Which character in your WIP could you relate to the most?

honestly? all of them !!! a lot of the characters in wtsf have little bits nd pieces of me bc thats how all my ocs come into existence nd theres no One character thats like “oh,,, das me”

and here are my 11 questions !!

Which one of your OCs do you think could survive a zombie apocalypse? Why?

What’s something you’ve been itching to write about?

Share the last paragraph you wrote!

Do you prefer coming up with plots or characters? Why?

Do you have any abandoned WIPs? Tell us about them!

What are some favorite themes/tropes to write about?

How do you get into the zone for writing?

Tell us a random fact for any of your OCs !!!

Are you someone who needs a visual for your WIPs?

What are some influences to your writing style?

If you had to be a character in one of your WIPs, which WIP would it be and what role would you play?

i’m gonna tag @babyreeds @holotones @alejandroistyping @noloumna @faerisms @omniawrites @aslanwrites @ashesconstellation @thegrievingyoung @glittcrpeach @syposium !!! no pressure to do it if u dont want to tho <3

[yikes-strikes-again]

🖋️📑bnha fanfiction plug📑🖋️

bbbb!!!! i thought id make a little post to show off some stuff ive been doin on ao3 lol pretty much all of these are erasermic😎❤️😪 so dont bother readin if u no like

so, without further ado, here are all the current bnha fics posted to my ao3 (dysonQueer) 💖💖💖

Also looking at how long this is now im just gonna put a read more link here so i don’t look like an asshole. please at least look at these though!!!

Hizashi fails a perception check 🏳️‍🌈 (incomplete) Rating: Teen Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: Gen, M/M Relationships: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead/Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic Characters: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Iida Tensei | Ingenium, Kayama Nemuri | Midnight Additional Tags: not quite my first fic but damn close, yeah they gay keep scrollin, present mic is a double dumbass, they're all trans sorry i don't make the rules, drop kick horikoshi into the sun, aizawa says fuck, Pining, Mutual Pining, Anime Tropes, Pre-Canon, High School, Light Angst, and last but not least fuck cops Summary: "Hizashi's back was turned to Shōta, and he failed to notice the sound of his initially loud, brisk footsteps or his now light, quiet footsteps. Here Shōta became aware of a semi-rare opportunity that was now available to him: instead of approaching Hizashi outright, he could sneak up behind him and startle him in revenge for disappearing so unexpectedly—he imagined Hizashi's mortified expression at that moment." Or, how one unusual lunch period ruined Aizawa Shōta's relationship with his best friend. Nemuri helps. Notes: this is the first one ive posted and im quite fond of it tbh. Every day i procrastinate on the last chapter adds to my guilt

if i fell 💚💗(incomplete) Rating: General Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply (yet) Categories: Gen, M/M Relationships: Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto, Asui Tsuyu/Uraraka Ochako, Midoriya Izuku & Yagi Toshinori | All Might Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Yagi Toshinori | All Might, Todoroki Shouto, Uraraka Ochako, Asui Tsuyu Additional Tags: basically probably all of 1-a eventually, will add character and relationship tags as they become relevant, but these are the main ones, all might is a cringy dad, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, but like a gay one, Pining, oh you know i'm all about that, Mutual Pining, midoriya is badfeel about his man crush monday but you know what's even sadder? his fashion senseU, nrequited Love, canon-typical bullshit, Misunderstandings, Rating May Change, Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Abuse, oh i almost forgot, Alternate Universe - Mineta Minoru Doesn't Exist Summary: Midoriya Izuku, pressured student at U.A., ninth holder of One For All, target of the infamous League of Villains, has a problem. That problem takes the shape of one Todoroki Shōto, the only boy who could steal his attention away from his path to heroism. Izuku must make a choice between putting his heart on the line and shrinking away from the dazzling sparks. Or, in which Todoroki comes to understand that love is more than just holding hands. Notes: i almost feel bad for putting this one on here bc ive only written one chapter and its pretty low on my priorities list. i may update it one day though, i have a p good plot outline. 

you're not alone 💙🌸💮🌸💙(complete) Rating: General Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: Gen Relationships: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Asui Tsuyu Characters: Aizawa Shouta | EraserheadAsui Tsuyu Additional Tags: U.A. Dorms (My Hero Academia), Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Parental Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Trans Character, Gender Dysphoria, dadzawa strikes again, everyone is trans tsu, dont even worry about it, student: is sad or in danger, aizawa: It's Free Real Estate Summary: Tsuyu can't sleep, so she goes to get her favorite comforter. She comes back with something else, too. Notes: haha writing the trans perspective as a cis person! great. ive been told this one was cute tho

horny people don't have rights ❌📜 (complete) Rating: Explicit Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: M/M Relationships: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead/Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic Characters: Aizawa Shouta | EraserheadYamada Hizashi | Present Mic Additional Tags (only the sfw ones): well if you wanted another bnha sex pollen fic, This Is It Babey, and if i just so happen to love kurikuri's "don't hold back", then what a funny coincidence huh, I'm so sorry, I Was Influenced Okay, anyway don't expect a smidgen of canon compliance from this, this is total wish fulfillment, Sex Pollen, Mutual Pining, they do the fuck, present mic gets his rights revoked, technically eraser's rights must also be revoked, that's just the rules Summary:  It started with something as simple as Hizashi needing a ride from the station and escalated, albeit gradually, into—well, not that. Notes: ooookay i worked really hard on this but pls children, it's explicit. ❌❌❌ also i censored the tags 🚫 for your eyes 

and that’s abt it for now!!! At the mom ive literally got 12 wips (2 rarepairs, one momojirou, 7 erasermics, 1 tododeku, 1 (2?) shinson) so stay tuned! and pray for me. ill reblog this with new ones as they come

[radd-ratz]

thanks for the @ homie!

name: alaster

nickname: al or rat

zodiac: libra

height: 5'1 (shut the fuck up I hate all of you)

languages: english and a little german

nationality: American

favorite season: autumn, its just so cloudy and windy and it rains a lot and its just peak comfort hours

favorite flower: I dont rlly think abt flowers to much but orchids are really sick as hell, they trap bees in their flower to get pollen on them and then let em go, rlly cool plant

favorite animal: I like a lot of animals but my top 3 are: rats, ferrets, and crows

favorite scent: ohhhh I love this one pack of forest pine incense that I have, it smells sooo good

coffee, tea, or hot cocoa?: I know how to make THE BEST hot cocoa from scratch so hot cocoa gang

average sleep: around 10-12 hours, I take lots of naps to tho lmao

favorite color: I dont rlly have one but ive been vibin with a dark unsaturated green fir a while

number of blankets: 3-4, and I also have like 7 pillows

dream trip: anywhere that has snow with my homies, I have wanted to go to alaska since I was little tho

blog est: uhh like september 2019?

random fact: if you dare me to put random things in my mouth I will 99% of the time

gender: gender queer/nonbinary

sexuality: ace testing out the polysexual label (was pan before)

where are you from?: bay area cali babey (HELL STATE)

why did you start this blog: cayde wouldnt stop bothering me to get a tumblr so I finally got 1

last album you listened to: pony - orville peck (I listen to music while I fall asleep and his music gives me sleepy vibes)

and im gonna tag @oddchamp @stim-pak @zumidoodles all my other mutual that I forgot the urls of, and everyone who has read this far!

hell yeah thanks for tagging me @i-am-the-market !!!!

name: april

nickname: apricot or june!

zodiac: scorpio ;)

height: 5'6

languages: english only ;-;

nationality: american

favourite season: i love autumn because of the colours and leaves, but i like winter more because it rains so much!

favourite flower: golden poppy!

favourite animal: beavers!!

favourite scent: citrus, petrachor, pine, old book glue, acryllic paint, vanilla.

coffee, tea, hot cocoa? hmm i like coffee but only if its like shitty starbucks coffee, tea but only arizona, and hot cocoa is pretty good

average sleep: oh no idea. maybe 8-10 hrs?

favourite colour: #44f8e

dogs or cats: i’m allergic to both but dogs

number of blankets: i used to sleep with a ton, but ever since i got a weighted blanket, only two

dream trip: anywhere cold where it snows, so maybe canada?

blog est: mid 2017, i think september or october

random fact: i am neither left or right handed

gender: genderfluid B)

sexuality: ace babey!!

where are you from: bay area CA

why did you start this blog: it was originally for posting photography lmao

last album you listened to: three cheers for sweet revenge by mcr

chill i’m gonna tag @gothconvert @autistic-velma @radd-ratz @anaemicfurby and anyone else that wants to do it!!!

[soleilnomoon]

Hi again! Still absolutely adore your Kid fic from your last event 💜 Never got around to asking for a Sanji one, so here I am again😅 But seriously, congrats on over 550 followers!! Love seeing your blog grow, cause you’re really talented and deserve them all and legit can’t wait til you hit 1k+ 🥰

For the event order, may I please ask for a #1 with my boi Sanji, with anmitsu, konpeito, and keylime pie and with honey, please? 🥹 i hate this but need some sanji angst 😭

I also dunno if these three would work particularly well together for a prompt, so you can choose whatever! just really feeling angst and sanji rn and maybe comfort if you’d like 🥰

Thank you for all your works you’ve done so far 💜💜

hiiii omg haha i loved that fic fr (i'm obsessed w that man!!!) also ily for requesting sanji i don't write him nearly enough 🥰️ but thank you sm!! 😭 making me all soft and i am so so sorry this took forever, as u know i am so slow but!!! i had fun tormenting sanji w the angst ngl 💓💓💓💓 also those were great choices for the prompt, i wanted to write more but it would've been 8k words before i finished and who has time for that (i do, but listen... that's besides the point) ✨

2k words, fem reader (honestly gn too now that i think abt it), sfw (SHOCKING i know), 18+ mdni, a lil bit suggestive but nothing wild, angst angst angst city babey, fluff if you squint, also i gave u comfort bc u deserve it bb 💗(and sanji does too); feat. sanji being in denial forever and ever, mutual pining, fake unrequited love, reader is determined and sanji is a coward; also i made myself sad writing this but a good sad bc sanji deserves happiness and i'll fight oda if he doesn't get it i s2g... (if u see grammar mistakes/spelling errors... no u didn't 💗)

“loving each other began this way: threading / loneliness into loneliness / patiently, our hands trembling and precise.” — yehuda amichai

STEP 01:

what does it take to kill a soul? —

a question that’s posed unironically, without a hint of remorse or tact, the words precise and venomous, slicing through the thick veneer that he’s carefully crafted. he’s never been able to answer that question — not at six years old, not twelve or fifteen, and not at twenty-one. his siblings took pleasure in taunting him with seemingly philosophical questions, ones that clamped down onto his thoughts with heavy shackles.

even after he’s extracted himself from that life, he can’t scrub those memories from his mind — no matter how hard he tries. they sit, still raw and bloody, giving rise to unpleasant emotions that make his stomach churn from so many things left unsaid. he never set out to be a pirate, but piracy has given him the sort of freedom that he could only wish for as a child.

it’s with tender hands, with nimble yet graceful fingers, and with a fastidiousness that puts him in a category of his own, that he creates and creates and creates —

he’s told he’s an artist, which only pushes him to work harder, to be better. and when he asks himself why, he doesn’t have an answer. or, rather, the answer he does have only serves as a punishing reminder that he’ll never be good enough. no matter how many times his crew mates thank him — their emphatic, genuine praise a soft, warm breeze against his heart, gentle caresses that he commits to memory — despair still manages to infiltrate, a darkness choking out what little light he has left inside of him.

STEP 02:

how far are you willing to go to reach the truth? —

when you join the crew, he’s unnerved by your presence, which is wholly unlike him. usually, he’s able to put on his façade of the flirtatious cook, one that’s jovial and sociable, that lives to serve and please those around him. his first conversation with you ends in disaster; he spills the drink he tried to pour for you, despite your insistence that you are perfectly capable of pouring your own drink — and he knows it’s not out of malice, but it cuts into him all the same.

he tries again and again, bringing you little treats that you only agree to eating if he sits and eats with you; confusion eats away at his mind, and when he opens his mouth to decline, you pat the seat next to you and he acquiesces. he sits stiffly, at first, unsure of why he always feels on edge around you — an irritating need to impress you in a way he’s never wanted to for others grows stronger by the day.

you think it’s cute that he always seems flustered around you — that he stumbles over his words, refuses to hold eye contact with you for longer than thirty seconds — you also think it’s cute that the false bravado that he puts on for the world, diminishes immediately the second you come close to him. if he’s skittish, it’s because you always catch him staring at you; despite his quick reflexes, his reactions around you are slow but pure — childish, almost.

lately he’s clumsier and scatterbrained, nearly burning dinner when you decide to keep him company. you lean against the countertop, a teasing smile on your face — the same one that that caused him to bump his forehead against the cabinet door earlier — as you prattle on about a dream you had. he can barely keep up, his eyes drifting from the skillet to your face, gliding around the curve of your cheek, dipping lower in a slow descent along your neck.

he blinks repeatedly when he reaches your clavicle, stunned at his restraint; and it’s only when you call his name loudly that he realizes he’s left the heat on for too long.

“are you okay?” you ask when you see that he’s fussing over how best to save the dish, mouth moving as he quietly mutters to himself. he barely registers your voice, as an insidious one whispers harshly into his ears about his perpetual incompetence and lack of talent.

you can see that he’s retreated even further into his mind, a feat that also leaves you frustrated. you want to shake him but refrain and grab his hand instead. he snaps out of whatever stupor that held him captive just moments ago, lips parting as he sighs softly before glancing down at you.

“thank you.”

the words are quiet, but impactful, as he didn’t think he’d be able to get them out. you let go of his hand too soon, but he doesn’t say anything else, choosing to focus on cooking than embarrassing himself again in front of you.

you take his silence as a silent dismissal, but you don’t fight him on it — it’s bitter, that sort of rejection, and you swallow back your argument with great difficulty.

STEP 03:

what’s the difference between cowardice and self-preservation? —

frustration bubbles underneath his skin when he can’t find where he placed his lighter; he runs a hand through his hair and tugs on impulse, accidentally ripping a few strands from his scalp. they swirl and tumble onto the ground, pathetic in a way — just like me, but he never really says that out loud. he doesn’t hear your footsteps, although you did your best to remain as quiet as possible.

a cigarette sits in between his lips, and he has half a mind to toss it over the railing of the ship, but a warmth suddenly appears in front of him in the form of a flame. you found his lighter on the floor earlier and meant to give it to him, but every time you got closer, he found every excuse to leave. you don’t realize the impact you have on him — not really, anyway — because he’s genuinely surprised that you can’t hear the heavy beats of his heart that grow more intolerable the longer he hangs around you.

always afraid of being found out, he opts to keep his distance. it’s easier this way, he tells himself, better. but he doesn’t quite believe that; the evidence is plain as day when his tongue feels like its grown three sizes in the span of seconds, where his words get lost and forgotten. it’s all your fault, he reasons; you who insists on talking candidly with him, who insists on listening to him ramble about his dreams, who absolutely insists on stubbornly tearing down his walls, steadily chipping away without a care in the world. he looks at you as if you are the source of all his problems, but he also looks at you as if you’re the solution.

the intensity behind his stare makes your hands tremble slightly, it’s a miracle you’ve managed to keep yourself composed for this long. you light the end of his cigarette with ease, as if you’ve done this for him hundreds of times —and place the lighter into his pants pocket afterwards. if he wasn’t so used to you getting in his personal space all the time, he’d retreat immediately. the proximity is almost too much for him, but he doesn’t step back; you take that as a good sign and keep him company for a few minutes.

you don’t care for the smell of smoke, but on him it smells good. you almost tell him that, but instead bite down on your lip and keep your comment at bay, nerves getting the best of you as you nearly choke on the possibility that your feelings won’t be reciprocated.

another time, maybe. cheeks flushed, you turn your face to look elsewhere. although, you wonder if there ever will be another time. with him, you never know.

he’s still trying to figure you out and why he feels a different sort of calm around you; it’s alarming and new, drumming up an irrational fear within him. he doesn’t think he’s deserving of your attention or affection, and he’s convinced himself that you don’t harbor any romantic feelings for him. and why would you?

one by one, his thoughts pummel into him, acerbic and overwhelming. he exhales a sliver of smoke and puts the cigarette out. he gives you a quick, apologetic look before telling you goodnight, the smile on his face is melancholic and barely existent. you don’t dare say a word, keep your lips pressed together stubbornly; exasperated and dejected, you don’t know what’s worse — his inability to lower his guard around you for longer than ten minutes, or your inability to stop yourself from trying to carve pieces of yourself to give to him.

maybe if you helped him fill the gaping holes in his heart, he’d truly understand how you feel.

STEP 04:

if you had to do it all over again, would you do anything differently? —

sleep evades you after that night, and the night after that, and so forth; it gets so bad that you’re yawning in the middle of the day, falling asleep before you can have a cup of coffee or tea. this does not go unnoticed by the others, and after talking with nami, you feel less out of your element and finally can see the parts of sanji that he wants to keep hidden. her advice is simple: approach slowly and with intent; corner him and don’t let him escape.

you bide your time, full confident that you can find a moment to sit down with him and talk this all out. it doesn’t come easy, but franky mysteriously swaps sanji for the night’s watch — something that should strike you as odd, but it’s a small opening that you take without thinking as you hurriedly climb up to the crow’s nest with a renewed sort of energy.

even with his eyes closed, as he sits lazily on the bench with head tilted back against the wall, he knows it’s you.

“go back to bed,” he says firmly, refusing to look at you.

your stubbornness, unfortunately, wins out. “i’m staying.” at that he sits up, his attention completely on you as his eyes widen at your words. he wants to ask you why, but cowardice wins out — again. as his features soften, a flush crawls along his face, lightly painting his cheeks pink. he closes his eyes again, tries to steady his breathing as he counts backwards, only for his efforts to be obliterated with ease the moment you sit next to him.

as your thigh presses against his, you take his hand and on impulse you trace your fingertip along the lines on his palm. he watches you with a morbid fascination that scares him; but then you start to say things like, “you will live a very long life,” and “you are courageous, and you have a big heart.”

a small part of him wants to pull his hand away, so you won’t say anything else — but he remains put, so still that you almost think he’s stopped breathing. your voice is sweet and disarming, even when you carry on this charade of reading his palm. a belated realization hits him forcefully, making him blink several times; it dawns on him that you’ve always been so kind and gentle with him, even when you teased him. he’s spent all this time overthinking and hiding behind his past, that it never occurred to him that he could have simply let you in. you’ve never given him reason to believe that you’d betray or harm him intentionally.

he takes a deep breath, voice a little uneven, “i—”

you lean in close, adoration dripping onto your words as you interrupt him. “hey, have i told you?” the question glides along his skin, the words seeping into him as you continue, the lilt in your voice a honeyed, melodic spell. “you remind me of starlight and the mysteries of space.” your lips brush against his when you tell him that, and a warmth settles into the middle of his chest, makes it hard to focus. he doesn’t think when he curls his fingers around yours and doesn’t think when heleans down to kiss you — tender yet electrifying all the same.

the move disarms you in a way that doesn’t quite make sense to you, so you simply hum in approval and lean your head against his shoulder. a comfortable silence settles around you both, but you don’t mind that at all; it’s nice, not having to tip-toe around him anymore, and the demons that plagued him for so long don’t seem so intimidating with you by his side.