#it's absolutely messed up how much idolatry people have for physical bodies. how much value is placed on it.
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God doesn't look at what's on the outside anyway
#jokes aside i am doing better now#i spent two days deconstructing exactly where all of the self hatred came from#and i mean yeah a lot of it had to do with people being incredibly mean and weird my whole life#being told there was something wrong with me or wanting me to take hormone medication#and the 2-ish years i got underweight and everyone kept saying i was a boy or tr4ns#saying i needed to identify as xyz thing because i looked a certain way. or trying to force identities on me.#people at a new church would be kind of weird around me... and i wasnt even in like full gothic attire. just a black shirt/jeans#every week i was asked if i was saved#i didnt understand why: if i was supposed to be a girl- why didnt i look like one? why wasn't i allowed to be one.#but the role the internet played was not a small one#it's absolutely messed up how much idolatry people have for physical bodies. how much value is placed on it.#treating someone like a lesser human for not looking like a stereotype#bullying CHARACTERS who LOOK LIKE YOU#absolute trash#why couldnt i just be me#ive always hated changing the way i looked for others and i still refuse to#i remarked the other day that i missed the time when i thought my androgyny was beautiful#and unique and i was carefree about it#i missed when i looked down upon appearance and thought it was worthless#then i had a *wait a second* moment#and suddenly everything else was a lie
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