#it's a loose guide that involves a fuckton of swearing

[attackofthezee]

Ya’ll, I made this pie today and it was bomb af. I didn’t use a recipe and I didn’t measure shit, but I can kinda sorta tell you how I made it and that’s what I’m gonna do. 

First I took 3/4 of a stick of butter (I’ve read that people outside the USA don’t have sticks of butter????? so that’s 3/4 of a 1/2 cup of butter) and I literally just threw that in my glass pan and tossed it in the microwave for 30 seconds. After the 30 seconds I took a fork and used that to move it around in the pan, popped it back in the microwave for 20 more seconds then stirred it until the chunks of unmelted butter melted into the rest. 

Then I dumped graham cracker crumbs into all that delicious melted butter. I couldn’t tell you how much I used for the life of me, but it was enough until when I mixed it it was moist, but not wet and when I pinched it between my fingers it stuck together like damp sand. I pressed it all down into a crust using the bottom of a heavy glass and then I popped that motherfucker in the freezer to firm up and moved on. 

Next I took about 1/4 cup heavy whipping cream and microwaved that for about 30 seconds, until it was hot but not boiling. I poured that over what is an unknown about of chocolate, but that I’d say was probably about 3/4 cup of semi sweet chocolate chips.  I then set a plate over top of the bowl to trap the heat in and left that to do it’s thing while I moved the fuck on. 

While my chocolate chips were doing their sweet, sweet thing I took an 8 oz block of cream cheese and popped it in the microwave for like twenty seconds to get it to soften up just a bit. (You should let it sit out on the counter until it softens, but I didn’t feel like any sort of waiting tbh.) So I took the cream cheese and threw it, along with an 8 oz container of Cool Whip into the bowl of my stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment. (You could use an electric hand mixer, but my kitchen aid is my child and in the year I’ve had it I’ve decided I would gladly sell my soul for it if I had to.) 

To that I added a couple tablespoons of heavy whipping cream, and an unknown quantity of cocoa powder. I used a mix of Hershey’s Special Dark and just straight up, normal Nestle Toll House Baking Cocoa. I literally could not tell you how much I used of each, but together it probably equaled about 1 cup. 

Then I turned my mixer onto medium and let that shit blend until the cocoa powder was mixed in and there were no more lumps of cream cheese. I then tasted it and realized shit, I probably should add some sugar shouldn’t I? because again, there was no recipe for this shit and I was making it up and I don’t always think of things the first go round. So I dumped about 1 cup of powdered sugar in there added a little more heavy cream and gave it another whirl. 

At this point I left my mixer going, grabbed the bowl of chocolate and heavy cream that I’d left sitting earlier and mixed it all together with a whisk until the chocolate and cream were blended and smooth and totally fuckin delicious. I then left it to sit again and turned my attention back to my stand mixer again. 

I turned the mixer off, scraped the bowl and tasted what I had so far before adding a little more cocoa powder and powdered sugar, and this time a little bit of milk to loosen it up a little (next time I probably won’t add milk, because I think it’d be better just slightly firmer). I mixed it, tried it again, added a little more cocoa powder, mixed it again, and tried it again until it tasted how I wanted it to. Finally, once it tasted bomb af I scraped down the bowl again, turned my stand mixer onto medium-high and left it to whip a bit more air into it. 

While that was mixing I grabbed my pie pan out of freezer and took my ganache (the heavy cream and chocolate chip mixture) and dumped that all into the pan. Working quickly because it will set, I used the back of a spoon to spread the ganache around until I had a nice even layer. Once that was done I turned off my stand mixer, scraped my bowl ONCE AGAIN (there’s a lot of bowl scraping involved in this whole thing) and then dumped it all into the pie pan and smoothed it out. 

THEN, and here’s where it goes from delicious to fucking delicious I took this Smucker’s Salted Caramel sauce my Mom bought the other day and drizzled that all over the pie. Then I took it to an even higher level and shoved another container of cool whip into a piping bag with a large star tip and piped that on. AND THEN I DRIZZLED MORE CARAMEL OVER THE COOL WHIP. 

Then to make it even better, cause chocolate and caramel isn’t already enough I took some of these heath bar baking bits I had and sprinkled those fuckers all over. Finally I shoved it in the freezer for like an hour and a half because I had no patience to let that shit set in the fridge for hours on end. After the hour and a half I cut it, fed my family the fruits of my wonderful labor and basked in the pride of a delicious fucking dessert. One day maybe I’ll even make it and keep track of how much I use so I can give people an actual recipe, who knows?