#it's a culmination of all my introspection and analyzing of my state of mind since april

[novadreii]

a diatribe about the emotional unpacking i’ve been doing this summer, specifically regarding my anxiety, how it’s affected me, and how i’m trying to drop kick it in the face. 

i will be honest and say that this weekend i’ve been sitting with some mild anxiety. mild, but still there, enough to set off alarms. just this...undercurrent of fear about the future. i go back to school in exactly 1 month, and getting my degree means more to me than arguably anything right now. some of you have been watching me bitch about this for years, but i’m stubborn as fuck and refuse to let it go. it’s not about the status, or the diploma. it’s a struggle of significance for me; since 2012 i’ve wrestled on and off with my mental health and this made staying in school consistently impossible. so in 2015 i made the decision to not go back until i was properly ready. a lot has happened since then, but to make a long story short, i’ll never be more ready than i am now. finishing this means everything to me; it means digging my heels in, working hard, and earning something for myself. something that, for a long time, i really lost hope that i was even capable of achieving.

but as always, doubt always starts to creep once the deadline approaches: what if i fail again, what if i can’t handle it, what if i drop out and have to work boring low-level jobs my whole life, what if i panic, what if i can’t do it?

every piece of text on the subject that i’ve ever read, every meaningful message from all my favorite books/series, has pointed me towards this one solution for when i’m paralyzed with fear: just feel it, sit with it, don’t run from or avoid it. and once you’ve done that, go through your fear and do the thing you’re afraid of anyway. that’s called bravery, and if you repeat this process enough times it will give you the confidence to keep doing it in the face of anything you fear. how often have we heard that being brave is not synonymous with being fearless? fearless is a lofty concept, an ideal, but honey, it’s just not realistic. everybody has fears. the most incredible people throughout history had their own fears; what sets them apart is how they dealt with them. 

my methods for avoiding pain/fear these days are 1) weed 2) tv/video games in excess and 3) avoiding my responsibilities/doing anything that would progress my life. obviously this will not work out for me, not in a long-term sense anyway. 

so recently i’ve just....stopped using coping methods when i’m getting into my fear. i do anything other than my usual destructive habits. i force myself to clean in a frenzy, i listen to loud music on my headphones, i go for a walk around the block, i read a book, i’ve even forced myself to do boring paperwork that i was avoiding. i make a challenge out of forcing myself to do the exact opposite of what i really want to do in that moment.

and THAT’S where the magic happened for me. once i confront Fear and do it over and over and over again, it begins to lessen. i’ve done this before, and i survived. it wasn’t that bad. it was worth the effort it took to just deal with it. 

the truth is that everything in life is a trade-off. you can’t get anything you want without sacrificing something of equal value whether it’s money, time, energy, or any other resource. and on the flip side of that coin, you can’t just avoid your life and desires, not without paying for it emotionally. so logically speaking, if both paths are equally as difficult, if they take roughly the same amount (but a different TYPE) of effort, which one will i choose?

it’s become obvious to me now, whereas it wasn’t before, that i should choose the path with the end result that is most worth it for me. depressed bastard who never did anything with her life? or...who knows? someone who actually tried and maybe got SOME of what she wanted? so now that the two choices are so clear, i’m beginning to feel drive, determination, and ambition again. goddamn, i was born with those traits burned into my personality and identity; losing them temporarily during the last few years fucking hurt, i really did lose a part of myself. but they were just dormant, inactive, because i can feel them faintly taking root again. and it feels friggin amazing. 

so nowadays i’m practicing a new skill: willpower. i believe it is absolutely a skill that anyone can cultivate and work on. i realized that i can force myself to do shit i know i should be doing instead of running from my problems. knowing that i will feel so much better if i just address and overcome what is scaring me is enough to motivate me. i can do this without resistance, without wanting to go hide in my bad habits. my awareness (my true self, separate from ego), knows the right answers, the correct path. i can physically do what i know needs to be done even if my mind is screaming at me to self-destruct instead; i have that power, because i am not my mind. none of us are; we are the awareness behind the mind, so to speak. if this sounds too new-age for you, i’m sorry. but i’ve been reading books on the topic for years without understanding completely. it made about 75% sense to me up until now, and i found the missing piece. mindfulness, the Self, the Ego...it’s all interconnected, and i used to think it was more religious BS that I didn’t care for. but it really isn’t. it’s a logical approach to heal yourself emotionally, and it starts with recognizing that your internal dialogue, your thoughts, and even your emotions, do not make up who you are, so you don’t have to be a slave to them. i wish i could articulate this better, but i barely understood it myself when i first started researching the topic. but something inside me knew that the answer i’d been looking for was somewhere in this train of thought, so i’ve kept with it (if you’re interested, the one book I would recommend is the power of now by eckhart tolle. i know, i know. but it really is the most easily digestible medium for this subject. just know you will have to engage with it and put in the work to fully understand). 

so anyway, that’s what i did this weekend. no weed, no mindless distractions, no emotional eating, despite the low burning of fear about school in the back of my mind. i cleaned the shit out of the kitchen and my room instead, which was distracting and physically tiring. then because i still felt restless, i went for a jog. now i’m showered and tired, about to watch a movie that i feel i actually earned. i think Fear produces a nervous energy that i can dispel with any kind of physical activity, which takes the edge off and makes it bearable.  

and lo and behold, by not being destructive at the first sign of feeling afraid, i didn’t burst into flames or anything. sure, my heart rate might jump for a bit, i might feel a bit sweaty/nauseous for a couple minutes. but then i swallow it and continue on my path.  by going through Fear instead of doing a 180 away from it, i can continue moving forwards instead of backwards. i can grow and progress, not stagnate. and another hard lesson i’ve learned is that the stagnation from avoiding my life has arguably caused me the most pain, far more than the fear of life itself. 

i isolated myself from my friends (missing one of their weddings which i have to try to not beat myself up about for the rest of my life). i stalled in my education. i was cut off socially, emotionally because i was in denial, and going nowhere. 

so i think i’ve just reached a point where anything is better than this. than a lonely, unfulfilled future where i reach none of my potential. on my deathbed all i’d feel is profound disappointment. and to that idea my gut reaction is HELL NO. is this what they mean about actually hitting rock bottom, even though i felt like i’ve hit it countless times before?

because now, i am finally willing to fight for what i want even if it’s the hardest thing i’ll ever do. once school starts, my days are gonna be long as hell. work during the day, and schoolwork on evenings/weekends, so logistically i need to make my life flow to accommodate how hectic my schedule will become. i’ll do so with the following steps:

gonna clean my apartment and car to stepford-levels of cleanliness (in progress, about 50% done). will also go on an organizing spree. i’m generally a neat person, but it could always be better you know? my state of mind is usually amplified by the state of my surroundings, so that’s one of the best ways to help myself.

gonna stock up on non-perishables/cat supplies/toiletries to keep effort spent on grocery shopping and errands to a minimum from september to december. 

gonna nail down a healthy meal prep routine so i can properly fuel my carcass through everything. cereal for dinner won’t cut it anymore.

in general, i will develop solid self-care routines in the areas of sleep, fitness (will work in occasional exercise where i can to let off steam), food, and giving myself mental breaks. again, this will keep me from losing my shit. 

this is my 4 point plan, and notice how little of it has to do with school itself. but i know that if i take care of myself properly, i can ground myself enough to get through anything. 

studying, homework, going to class, the pressure of exams...i feel confident, finally, that i can take all of it on. in fact, i’m starting to feel my old competitive spark slowly coming to life again, and i’m tempted to say bring it on.

and sure, Fear isn’t going anywhere. i haven’t vanquished it or anything. far from it; it’s still right there, making my chest tight when it gets really bad. but what’s changed is that i’m not afraid of Fear itself anymore. that is a huge distinction i’ve had to make, and it’s taken me years to get here. it’s much easier to do The Thing and confront Fear while doing so, rather than avoid both The Thing and Fear altogether. because that way of life was miserable for me, whereas option 1 will actually yield results. and weirdly enough...avoiding Fear doesn’t even make you like, less afraid or anything. what the hell?

so, after years of struggling and cowering and letting myself off easy for everything, it’s that simple. i’ve boiled my approach down to something weirdly logical and direct, because i’m over this shit, to put it elegantly. i will enthusiastically and unabashedly go after what i want in life, and when Fear inevitably pops up on occasion, as it always will, i’ll acknowledge it with a nod or a small dab (lol), and then continue doing what i was doing. i can be afraid without letting it paralyze me. fear isn’t really able to stop my body from doing what i want it to, i can actually smash my way through that mental barrier. i think that is what is at the core of the concept of bravery, and anybody is capable of it (yes i got that from soul eater, a life-changing message). 

so i simultaneously feel insanely motivated and driven for the first time in years, and also scared as shit. it’s the strangest feeling, a kind of nervous euphoria. but it’s okay. knowing that if i just trust the process and take things a day at a time, i will get to where i want to be eventually; that makes it so much easier. in my mind, this lends incredible significance to every little step along this journey. keeping good work habits and taking care of myself are what it’s going to take, and truly understanding that every Good thing i do for myself, even the tiniest thing, is what will get me there one day. it removes resistance from my thought process, and resistance is usually what gets me to cave, and run away. it makes every difficult, necessary step worth it to me, and that is what fuels me.  

so ultimately, my conclusion is this: i’m just going to have to get strong enough to carry my fear with me throughout the whole journey and use it to fuel me, instead of letting it pin me in one place for the rest of my life. and that’s the thing: invariably, over time, the relative burden of that weight decreases as you get stronger. 

so knowing that, how could i not just charge forward like a maniac, fear be damned? because the truth is that i can overcome it in the present moment with enough effort, and in time, it won’t take anywhere near the same amount of effort. pain is always temporary, so i don’t need to fear it right? i just have to use pain, and Fear of pain, and that’s the promise i’m making to myself as i attempt to close an unpleasant chapter in my life. 

i’m finally getting back my drive, my spark, when for so long i just tried to convince myself i didn’t actually want the things that i did. i thought that my goals were unobtainable, that i was too weak or incompetent to achieve them, so i may as well convince myself i didn’t even want them in the first place. isn’t that sad? it really is, and i’m trying to reflect on Past Me with compassion, instead of frustration for all the lost time and unhappiness. it won’t change anything, and i want nothing more than to move forward. because one day, it will all have been worth it. 

[daleisgreat]

Eric Bischoff: Wrestling’s Most Controversial Figure

Eric Bishoff has made the rounds over the years since leaving WWE in 2005 to tell his tales of the business. He wrote a pretty good biography under the ‘WWE Books’ banner in 2006 called Controversy Creates Cash that ranks high up on the wrestler autobiography curve. He has done countless DVD ‘shoot’ and podcast interviews over the years, and he is currently a co-host of the 83 Weeks with Eric Bischoff podcast alongside acclaimed wrestling podcaster Conrad Thompson. Needless to say, there are a lot of ways to find out about Eric’s life in wrestling. In 2016, WWE released their official BluRay/DVD with a documentary of Eric’s life and career with the standard array of full-length bonus matches and promos. It is called Eric Bischoff: Wrestling’s Most Controversial Figure (trailer). First off, shame on WWE for that awful home video cover art. When this video was first announced it showed a serious looking Eric on the cover, but I imagine Vince McMahon must have had one last grudge he was fuming over and went out of his way to find the most smug, arrogant looking headshot of Eric and slapped it on the cover. Worst off is the disc cover art where it is modern-day Eric duct taped and hands tied. I would not put it beneath Vince to be of the mindset of ‘Dammit, if I am going to make money off of Eric we are going to at least make him the most pathetic looking person all over the box and disc artwork!’

Bizarre artwork aside, this is actually a surprisingly respectful and serious documentary about Eric Bischoff. The feature interviews Eric on his ranch in Wyoming which provides a serene backdrop throughout and it is apparent the production crew went out of their way to interview Eric in several different spots on the ranch, including a great closing scene with Eric reflecting on his legacy around a campfire. The 95 minute feature is the perfect length for covering his career. The prerequisite ‘before-wrestling’ part of the doc is handled well with Eric detailing how he bounced between Detroit and the Twin Cities and his early business endeavors in landscaping, modeling and aspiring entrepreneur. I forgot about him making a commercial deal with the AWA to promote his Ninja Star Wars game which was the catalyst to him forming a relationship with Verne & Greg Gagne that eventually lead him to receiving a job in the AWA which paved the way for him landing in WCW. There are a lot of interviews with family, friends and peers of Eric throughout. Most prominent are Kevin Nash, Diamond Dallas Page, Sonny Onoo, WCW boss Harvey Schiller, business partner and Wonder Years alumnus Jason Hervey and Eric’s wife Loree. Nash and DDP have a lot of insight on Eric’s rise up the ranks in WCW and how he revolutionized Monday nights with WCW Monday Nitro. They and Schiller also have a lot to say about Eric lost control of WCW first with Time Warner/Turner acquisition and eventually all together with the AOL/Time Warner merger. There are also archived past clips of Eric’s detractors stating their side. I have seen countless takes and read just as many perspectives on the rise and fall of WCW, but to see Eric’s side-of-view is still worth seeing as how he ultimately blames backstage politics with the mergers and acquisitions for the fall of WCW and his eventual ousting from the company in 1999.

I dug Eric looking back on his three and a half years as the first RAW General Manager, and there is a nice montage of moments Eric was part of along with interview snippets from Steve Austin and Chris Jericho sharing their memories of Eric being their boss. I was not surprised to see them omit and not even mention Eric’s four years in TNA/Impact. I was thinking there would be a passing reference like in the Dudleyz or Sting’s WWE documentaries, but it was probably for the best that his time there trying to reignite the ‘Monday Night Wars’ with the Hulkster be best forgotten. One part in the documentary I got a ton out of I always wanted to know more of was Eric’s friendship and business partnership with Jason Hervey. I know the two have been longtime friends and formed a business together, but not much beyond that. Here they have a candid interview with the two breaking down their history and entrepreneurial ambitions and projects they have worked on over the years. Really good stuff here and it shows how Eric is keeping himself busy. It is apparent that Eric is not dwelling on the past and has obviously moved on from his tumultuous days in WCW, especially with that pivotal closing scene with him being introspective around the campfire as a great way to close the documentary.

As with most WWE Home Video releases, the BluRay is packed with bonus content. There is 37 minutes of bonus ‘stories’ aka deleted scenes that were not deemed worthy of the main feature. Highlights include Bishoff’s hunting tales, reflecting on the Turner/Warner merger and Jericho’s memories of going 17 months in WCW without a contract. A couple years ago WWE Network ran a two part Eric Bischoff interview special with JBL that ran for just over 90 minutes combined. It hits a lot of the same bullet points as the documentary, but in a different ‘shoot’ style format with JBL pressing Eric on some of his most controversial decisions. It is highly recommended supplementary material. To finish off the first disc there is another Eric Bischoff feature from WWE Network where Eric counts down and analyzes his top ten most controversial moments. On the second disc there is nearly four and a half hours of full-length past interviews, promos and matches from Eric’s career across AWA/WCW/WWE. About an hour and a half of those are BluRay exclusives. Some of these extras are followed up with brief, modern-day reflections on that moment/match from Eric. There is a lot of gold in here from when Eric was a junior C-list announcer for the AWA and his early WCW years with him interviewing Sid, Larry Zybysko, Vinnie Vegas, DDP, Vader and attempting to get an interview out of Missy Hyatt in the shower. There is a lot of great content here from his days leading the nWo from 97 and 98. I completely forgot how awesome the sketches with Bischoff firing referee Randy Anderson were and Eric went on in the extras to share how WCW got complaints how some fans thought it was legit. Bishoff’s calling out Vince McMahon to a match at Slamboree ’98 and Vince no-showing the match are both standout moments of the Monday Night War that I was delighted to see make the cut for this compilation.

There is a wide array of his top moments as RAW GM in their entirety, and there quite a few standout spots here I completely forgot about. Eric donning the disguise that fooled everyone as the pastor who ruined Billy & Chuck’s wedding is priceless and must-see. Austin messing with Bischoff at Judgment Day 2003 from their time as co-GMs of RAW is also amazing material. The best moment/match on this second disc is easily ‘The Trial of Eric Bischoff.’ It is 35 minutes of gold where WWE’s style of comedy rarely worked where Vince McMahon presided as the judge to determine if Eric could build a compelling argument to keep his job as RAW GM. After nearly a half hour of off and on witnesses throughout RAW, the episode culminated in one of the best sendoffs of an authoritative figure in WWE history! Amazing work that holds up tremendously today! There are a handful of matches included that Eric participated in such as his much anticipated bout with Larry Zybysko at Starrcade ’97, squaring off against Vince on a 2004 RAW and putting his hair on the line against his nephew Eugene from Taboo Tuesday ’04! Sadly, the times Eric did the honors for Ric Flair at Starrcade '98 along with celebrities Jay Leno and David Arquette in tag matches are not included. High marks for this collection! Just keep in mind this is Eric’s take on his side of history, so expect a little bit of spin from him on justifying his actions. The documentary covers all the pivotal points of his life and career (sans-TNA/Impact) and there is a treasure trove of extra features to get lost in and relive a ton of great moments from the ‘Monday Night War’ and Eric’s run as RAW-GM. Eric Bischoff: Wrestling’s Most Controversial Figure is a worthy addition to any fan’s video library! Past Wrestling Blogs Best of WCW Clash of Champions Best of WCW Monday Nitro Volume 2 Best of WCW Monday Nitro Volume 3 Biggest Knuckleheads Bobby The Brain Heenan Daniel Bryan: Just Say Yes Yes Yes DDP: Positively Living Dusty Rhodes WWE Network Specials ECW Unreleased: Vol 1 ECW Unreleased: Vol 2 ECW Unreleased: Vol 3 For All Mankind Goldberg: The Ultimate Collection Impact Wresting Presents: Best of Hulk Hogan Its Good to Be the King: The Jerry Lawler Story The Kliq Rules Ladies and Gentlemen My Name is Paul Heyman Legends of Mid South Wrestling Macho Man: The Randy Savage Story Memphis Heat NXT Greatest Matches Vol 1 OMG Vol 2: Top 50 Incidents in WCW History OMG Vol 3: Top 50 Incidents in ECW History Owen: Hart of Gold RoH Supercard of Honor 2010-Present ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery Sting: Into the Light Straight Outta Dudley-ville: Legacy of the Dudley Boyz Straight to the Top: Money in the Bank Anthology Superstar Collection: Zach Ryder TNA Lockdown 2005-2016 Top 50 Superstars of All Time Tough Enough: Million Dollar Season True Giants Ultimate Fan Pack: Roman Reigns Ultimate Warrior: Always Believe War Games: WCWs Most Notorious Matches Warrior Week on WWE Network Wrestlemania 3: Championship Edition Wrestlemania 28-Present The Wrestler (2008) Wrestling Road Diaries Too Wrestling Road Diaries Three: Funny Equals Money Wrestlings Greatest Factions WWE Network Original Specials First Half 2015 WWE Network Original Specials Second Half 2015 WWE Network Original Specials First Half 2016 WWE Network Original Specials Second Half 2016 WWE Network Original Specials First Half 2017