#it's a cold and it's a borken waluigi

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This is a crack fic I wrote the previous night under the influence of alcohol and also under the influence of my terrible friends who kept giving me awful suggestions. There was a rule that I could not delete anything apart from the word I was currently typing.

I am begging you not to take this seriously.

This is the third out of three.

It’s a Ma.rio/TBoL Au somehow

Mario is Manolo, Peach is María, Bower is Joaquín, Wario is Xibalba, Donkey Kong is La Muerte, Luigi is the Candlemaker, Toadworth is Posada, Waluigi is Carlos, Daisy is Carmen, Live Action Bowser is Chakal

SO FUCKIN once upon a time two gods of death? I think were hanging out in the graveyard their names were Wario and Donkey Kong. They’re in the graveyard and talking about a bet. And then they decide they’re gonn place their wager on some kids and who this girl is gonna marry even though she could potentioallly marry someone compeltely unrelated to whatever they’re wagering, whatever. SO anyway. Wario bets on Bowser to marry Peach. And Donkey Kong bets on Mario. Yay.

So um I think Peach lets out a bunch of YOSHIs into the streets and causes a fucking MESSS um Bowser and Mario both fight a big yoshi and manage to beat it yay. But then Peach is getting shipped off to spain because ?? manners.

Boys r sad.

SO GROWING UP montage I think with Mario learning to fight CHOMP CHOMPS and Bowser just learning to fight in general. There’s music.

ANYWYA we get to the first chomp chomp fight for Mario UM Peach ish ome again yes and Bowser for some reason gets to show off before the fight riding on a horse??? or uuuuuh idk what could replace a horse. So everyone’s swooning. The entire stadium is gay. So then Mario comes out with his cape he’s gonna fight the chomp chomp. Manages to write some romantic letter for Peach in there I guess?? however that works, animation cheats. So he doesn’t write Peach’s name in the sand he draws a peach emoji which kinda looks like a butt?

But then Peach swoons anwyay jsut cause. SO THEN Mario’s supposed to stab the fuckin chomp chomp but he doesn’t cause that’d be awful, KILLIN THE CHOMP CHOMPS IS WRONG. WAAAAAH Waluigi cries in despiration.

Crowd bows. Mario gets knocked out by guitar.

Wakes up and his dad, Waluigi is shaming him WAAAH, along with his grandmother, Rosalina. Rosalina calls him a bitch.

SO THEN he sings I’m a Creep by Radiohead and Peach is swooning even more, thinks that’s hat.

OKAY SO WE cut to a dinner at um Toadsworth’s house and um Bowswer is trying to flirt with Peach but he’s sound a little sexist. Peach tells him to piss off and she’s going to feed her ........ birdo cause she’s better company than this.

So Bowser knows he fucked up and Mario starts serenading Peach with a guitar song. AND IT”S REALLY HAT LIKE SUPER HAT OH M YGOOOOOD.

But she don’t kiss him cause meh it’s funnier ot push him like ten feet onto the ground and watch him get crushed by his bandmates. Mario loses a life.

SO then Peach goes downstairs and is going to give Mario his guitar back but Bowser has a sonic ring out CHAOS EMERALD IN IT, ITS” FANCY so then Peach is like oh fuck I don’t wanna fucking commit already I just got home. SO THEN mario stumbles in and he’s like ??? drunk or slightly concussed, and leans on Bowser it’s kinda gay.

Mario gets stabbed loses another life.

So then they argue about who’s better for Peach but BANDITS OH MY GOD IT”S THE  GOOOMBITOS THEY’RE COMING. So they go out to fight them but then Bowser shows up out of nowher with some sick kick flips and beats their asses and has some medal of immortality. THE GOOMBAS NOTICE. They flees.

The towsns people think they’re saved and Bowser is a hero. And Peach goes to talk to him because uuuh marriage for the tower??? but also they used to be friends so you might as awell. Toadsworth wants the bowswer D.

So Mario’s moping cause he fucked up he didn’t  win Peach over. He gets hit in a head with a pinapple. Rosalina chucks a pinapples at waluigi. CARLOS.

So Rosalina gives Mario the GOOD advice. Sad wah in the background

Bowser takes Peach home actually sincere for once and Peach thinks he’s cute. Mario calls Peach out to the fuckin uh fuck where?? MEET ME BY THE BRIDGE AT DAWN. Peach be like damn that freaky but okay.

Bandit cave scene.

So then Wario’s stressing out cause he’s gonna lose the bet so he sends his snake??? uh thing to kill Mario.

So then there’s a romantic scene on the island with candles and shit. But then the snake shows up and tires to bite Mario but ends up biting Peach instead. So she passes the fuck out. MMMM WATCHA SAY.

So Mario’s fucking devestated carries her comatose corpse DID ANYONE CHECK FOR A PULSE? Bowser is pissed about this I guess. Mario feels like shit even more.

So he wanders back to get his guitar but rain + depression + death god saying you can be reunited with your loved ones makes it sound pretty tempting. So he lets the snake bite him twice yay he fucking dies.

G AME OVER BITCH

OKAY SO he wakes up as a skeleton and gets taken through land of the remembered. I guess Daisy is his mom? So he meets his mom and talks about how he needs to find Peach who should be dead but you know she’s not.

SO they go to the castle which doesn’t look much like a castle but I can’t judge either way. And Mario’s like yo uh Donkey Kong can you help me find Peach but then it’s. . . WARIO!

WAAARIO

so then everyone’s like oh my gosh no and Wario reveals the bet that um Bowser was going to marry Peach so Peach isn’t actually dead shes’ fine uh Bowser smooched her forhead and she’s fine.

So Mario cusses Wario out and Wario flicks him acros sthe room. And the YEETS OUT through the roof.

So then Mario and his family who I didn’t establish just Daisy decide to go to the CAVE OF SOUUUUUUUUUULS so they can find Donkey Kong.

It’s some long journey they climb a statue uh idk what it looks like they get to the top and there’s MAZE with uh death balls YES and the moon from majora’s mask is chasing him. BUT he manages to best it and the skull face door is like YOU’RE HAT COME ON IN.

So they go into the cave of souls. SO LUIGI shows up talking to them and a puddle. And then they all go into the cave of souls full of candles is very pretty. And there’s the Book of Life TITLE DROP AHA and mentions that apparently Mario’s pages are blank case ?? special. fuck you he’s mario.

SO Luigi helps them get to the land of the forgotten.

MEANWHILE I FORGOT UH Peach agreed to marry Bowser to protect the town and uh Chakal is coming anyway fuck no Chakal um giant goomba. LYOU’RE FIGHT FUCK it’s live action bowswer I forgot.

SO in the land of the forgotten they find Donkey Kong who flips the FUCK out when he finds out his husband cheated he’s throwing barrels and shit.

Wario shows up with wine cause he thought htis was adate for HEYAH HE THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA FUCK HIS HUSBAND.

So they argue about this shit bet that was kinda wobbly from the start tbh?? And then Wario agrees to give Mario his life back if he passes a test cause Mario challenges him like a dumb shit.

SO THEN um we have to cut to live action bowser raiding the town and wait so Peach is in the church with Bowser they’re gonna get married but then BOOM I guess osomeone launched a bomb? kind of a warning if they’re gonna raid a town. Is that how Carlos died he just get blown up idk.

it’s a cold and it’s a borken waluigi.

OKAY ANYWAY so Mario’s fighting a bunch of bone chomps chomps ZOMBIE CHOMPS and um then um his dad Waluigi shows up and it’s like bruh you’re dead??????

So MARIO fights this giant bone chomp chomp. and then serenades it with uh despacito. CHOMP CHOMP I AM SORRY. This is sosad.

ANYway so um Mario passes the test and gets sent back to the land of the living while some fight is going on, uh Bowser’s getting his ass kicked by live action bowser. BOWSER FIGHT.

So yeah Mario shows up and smooches Peach YAY and then the rest of his family shows up they’re going to fight the goombas. FIGHT SCENE!!

Mario and Bowser almost kiss.

Peach is getting taken up the tower  by live action bowser. So Mario’s gonna go after her and Bowser has to find the medal of immortality. So then they combat dancing they have combat dancing on the roof so then Mario punches live action bowser off the roof, and then UH SOME BOMB DROPED AND THE TOWER IS COLLAPSING. THE A BOMB they all died.

no.

SO Mario and Bowser pin live action poswer to the the wall under htis bell right??? okay so they do that and then MarioOOO pushes Bowswer SO LONG GAY BOWSWER

BOOM

Mario??? fuckin dead? bombomb went off. But Mario emerges alive covered in live action Bowswers bloody chunks.

But he’s alive yay

SO wedding scene some more music and everyone’s happy or some shit

the end