#it's 4:30am here and i have to wake up in like??? 3hrs LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

[temeyes]

one may say he's not a morning person

[kirstydumpty]

Oh where do I begin...

Hello, again.

Yes, I’m probably here because I’m sad and down and that I thought I should start writing here again as often as possible.

Rarely do I feel this deep sadness I’m prone to diagnose depression. It’s most likely not. But how it is that whenever I feel this it also feels like its been always like this the whole time but I was just ignoring it? 100 consecutive “ok” days then came 1 sad day and feels like it was really 101 sad days realized only on the 101st day. ?? Am I making sense? Or I’m just really bad at this.

Nonetheless, I’m here again. My saddest days makes me write and makes me pray. My saddest days with only one guy on my head. Oh Lord, I will pray.

One of the worse part of my sadness is probably not being able to describe it with words. I’m struggling right now to share what my heart has been aching for.

I feel alone. Unappreciated. I feel so little. I feel

—— opened my tumblr to start writing for this year 2021 and try to write as much as i can but was prompted to open my unsaved draft and here it is. Cant even remember when i wrote this one but still feels exactly the same lol.

Yup, up there is pretty relevant. I wasn’t able to finish that but here i go again. Writing on the 2nd day of January at 4:30am. I woke up around 12:30am browsed my instagram and still up until now.

Oh wait. I’m not sure but i think i want to write a diary like or journal like? I dont know. Im probably aiming for that but let me try.

So yeah. Im here again because im sad.

Hubs acting different the past days. Barely talking to me. Does not even look at me (honestly forget the last time he looks at me the same way he does when we were still dating.) There is so many things and stories i can tell why we are like this now but will probably save that for another time or maybe not at all because again im bad at this and also i dont have that much time.

At 10pm I put E to bed. As expected I’d fall asleep at the same time but I initially plan not to because 1) still need to finish washing the feeding bottles and 2) want to have sex (to cheer up hubs bc he’s being distant and sad). As i put E to bed the Hubs started drinking his beer (he told me ahead he’d be drinking). When I woke up at 12:30 hubs already snoring beside me. I spent almost 3hrs on my phone before i realized i wasnt able to finish washing the baby’s bottle so i got up. Oh wait, before i did that.. i did something else. Hubs phone was on beside him (he’s not like that btw, he always locks his phone before sleeping) so i turned it off. But got curious as to the last app opened on his screen bc i wasnt able to check it. So i opened it again, its on safari on private mode with 2 tabs. One is 9gag and the other is porn (yep.) then checked other apps opened. Saw messages. Saw his last messages. He sent drunk texts to his mom’s number. He sent something like “im a bad husband” which got me bothered. So after that i checked his messenger (just checked who he’s been messaging, didnt open any messages) -nothing there. Went on his fb and checked his activity log. (Yes this is how girls do it why we’re often jokingly called fbis) i found out he’s been liking reacting and commenting on girls posts. Im not quite sure thats what he meant on the text he sent to his mom. Sure it does not feel right to me but i guess im not surprised anymore? Not not surprised by the action but not surprise with the shit he’d do anymore. I should have seen this coming. I knew him. He is unstable. I dont know why i think he’d changed at all. Laughs on thinking a baby would change him. Again, i meant is that this guy i married would do whatever he wants to without thinking over it, without thinking on the consequences, without thinking of other peoples feelings, yeah.. so back to my story. After all that, i got up and out of the room. At the sala, I found out hubs finished almost 2L of beer. He only had 1l bc thats what he bought at the store earlier. Soooo i then checked the cctv. Saw him went out and buy another beer and lots of junk foods. Saw him watching animr, scrolling fb and sending that text to his mom. Saw him had a little breakdown. Saw him recovered and watched anime again..

Im sure this does not picture the life i live now but honestly its very lonely and sad everytime my hubs act out. I just couldnt be myself anymore. Cant be chatty. Cant be in high spirits. And i myself has been feeling down too. My daughter is amazing. A ball of sunshine. And makes me feel sad too that im not on my best self for her. Wish husband realizes that too. Being not the best version of himself for her daughter. But we libed differently right? He probably has another perspective on this.

Cant help but question myself though. I admittedly put my 100% being a mom to E that I have very little time for my own and almost no time for my husband but had I not changed at all, will he still be the same sweet guy he used to be? Because i dont think he is. The more i get to know him, the more of his inner self shows. Almost all of it i dont like if not all. Will share some other time about that.

5:10am now. Need to sleep. I wonder who can wake up early for the baby later and prepare breakfast and all. Wish its him because id be lazy. Wish its me so i can be just productive. We’ll know later. Nyt

[airacuddles]

LABOR AND BIRTH STORY

This COVID 19 pandemic has caused a lot of inconvenience to the people. Especially to senior citizens, minors, persons with immunodeficiency, comorbidies, and health risks; and pregnant women. Above mentioned are at high risk in getting the virus.

Last October 3 on my prenatal check up, I was advised to get a swab test before I was due. As per hospital protocols, pregnant women should have a negative swab test result first before delivery. If not, mama and baby will be joined with other people (covid positive or not) upon delivery. This is just sad because we won't really know when a pregnant woman could deliver the baby.

My expected due date was November 7. But from hearsays, first babies are usually born later than expected due date. Just like Reynald's baby was. So I estimated to have the swab test scheduled on October 29 at Vicente Sotto for free. Obgyne's suggestions for swab were at APM mall near SM City Cebu and at UC Med Mandaue. But swab tests were costing 7k and 5k, respectively. Jeez. So much inconvenience.

The obgyne said she can only be there for her patients when admitted at St Vincent General Hospital. It is the only one of her three affiliated hospitals that does not accept Covid patients. So that's where we planned to get admitted.

I was also advised for prenatal visit on October 17. That was already my 37th week of pregnancy. I have searched that pregnanct mothers can already give a normal delivery at that week. The obgyne said she was also going to perform IE on me on that visit.

So on that day, I thought performing IE's would be thru a device inserted down there. Turns out, it was just pure fingering down there 😭 mind you, Jan and I havent had any contact all throughout the pregnancy. And right now, I am being fingered. It hurt. I felt virgin. Lols. But it did hurt 😂😭 like vaginal shock.

The doctor said my cervix was still closed. I need to have it opened already. The earlier the delivery, the better, so that the baby does not grow too much while inside the tummy, to avoid caesarean delivery. The doctor prescribed me Evening Prim Rose oil to help open up my cervix and expecting at least 1 cm opening by the next week.

The next week October 24, I visited the obgyne again. Cervix was still closed. She advised to double dose the primrose oil to be taken morning and night. I was advised again to visit on October 30 if I still havent had the delivery yet.

After the prenatal visit, Jan and I moved to his Aunt's house.

During pregnancy, I usually wake up atleast twice at night to pee. I also get super thirsty at night 🤷‍♀️

But on October 27, 2020, at 11:30pm, I woke up to pee and then drank atleast 1 glass full of water. This, I found to be normal and usual.

Then around 1:30am Oct 28, I woke up again to pee. And drank another half glass of water just to satisfy the thirst. I know I shouldn't keep drinking to avoid peeing a lot, right? But I was always thirsty at night.

At 2:30am, I had a little accident of peeing a little but stopped it before peeing all the way at the CR. I noticed my pee color was a bit cloudy. It wasn't normally like that. I have made research before about gush of water bag. It only said the color would be the same as pee. The definite sign is when the pee smells metallic. I dont really breathe thru my nose when Im inside the CR, but this time, I had to because it was a bit suspicious. But I smelled nothing. But when I came back to bed, I suddenly felt like pooping. I drank half a glass of water again.

At 2:54am, the sudden urge to pee again and this time, it was really hard to hold it. The pee has flown while I stood. I woke Jan up because I wasn't sure about it anymore. Then I went to CR to finish peeing. It still was cloudy but there was no odor. And the feeling of wanting to poop was still there and my back hurt like how my back hurts when I have my period. Jan wiped the pee on the floor. I felt so greatful he wasn't grossed out about it. Or maybe he did, but didn't show it 🥺❤️

I felt really worried about it already so I texted my obgyne at 3:27am of what happened. Jan and I just thought maybe it was just really pee. But there's still little trickles of pee, so I wore a sanitary napkin already. And this time, I didn't drink water just to be sure it wasn't because I kept drinking water.

At 6am, my obgyne called. She informed me that it was really water bag rupture. She told me to go to the hospital already but then I wasn't swabbed yet. So she told me to go to UC Med for swab since UC Med and St Vincent Hospitals are sister hospitals. After swabbing, she advised for me to go to her clinic at 3-4pm for an IE just to be sure it was already the water bag rupture.

We then went to UCMed at 8am together with Ate Ana. My stomach already hurts every once in a while.

When we got back home, the hurt becomes a little stronger. So I texted the obgyne if I could visit the clinic sooner. The doctor said we could visit at 1pm.

When we arrived, I got IE'd and the doctor confirmed it really was the water bag rupture but I was still at 1cm. Like omgggg. Everything felt so real already. But at the same time, I was really worried because as per doctor's experience with other patients, it takes 1 week to open up to atleast 6cm. Like, whaaaat is going on here? 😭

We then went straight to St Vincent General Hospital and arrived at 2pm. But I was still placed at the Out Patient Department as we were advised to wait before endorsed to the Labor Room for the swab result from UCmed to avoid bigger costs of the attendants' PPE. They also called UCMed to follow up results, UCMed said they would try to have the result given by 5pm. Wew. Another 3hrs of pain. I was advised when it hurts, I just had to breathe thru mouth. I was constantly asked for the intervals of pain. It was still at about 10-15mins.

At 5pm, they called UCMed again. Unfortunately, they moved the time to 9pm or 10pm. Like whaaaat, another 4-5hrs of pain! Jan was with me at the OPD. His face concerned and caring. Like, this is another part of Jan I haven't seen yet. I was so happy 🥺❤️😭

At around 9pm, I wanted to pee. When I peed, I noticed my pee was already colored brown. I told Jan. There was a little bit of my pee on the floor. He was not grossed out about it and even took a picture and sent it to Ate Ana.

At 10pm, UCmed has yet again disappointed. They said to wait until 1am. I was already in strong tummy pain. Intervals were already at 2-4mins. I told Jan what if I want to be in the Labor room already? But he kept encouraging me to wait and if I can still hold it for a few more hours.

So at 1am, I asked the nurses to call UCmed. They havent made a feedback until 2am already. Result was negative for COVID. Wew. Finally!

I was then taken first to the Emergency Room to be interviewed and IE'd by the resident obgyne. There already were tubes attached to me. Dextrose and stuff. And it my tummy reaaaallly hurts already. The resident obgyne was asking me questions and I strongly breathe in between each answers. 😭

I also had to lie on my back. I really didn't want that position as it feels very uncomfortable. After the questions, she IE'd me. She told me the baby has already pooped inside because her fingers were already full of brown stuff. That explained the brown color on my pee! The baby has possibly already ate some of it. What would be worse was if some of it went to his lungs. 😭 Bad news also was that I was still at 4cm! Lord, why all the bad things right now? 😭

Then I was taken to the Labor Room. Dr Geline was already waiting for me there. I was still monitored and we waited some time. Then she checked my cervix at around 4am but I was still at 6cm. I still had to lay on my back. Everything was so uneasy and uncomfortable already. Dr Geline told me to wait until 6am for the opening of my cervix.

At quarter to 6am, she IE'd me again but still at 6cm. She then told the staff to get ready for Caesarean Operation and called for the necessary doctors to be around. I was already so sad. Then she came to me and asked if I was really gonna undergo CS. She then told me "Mag CS jud ta because I already gave the chance. It's already been more than 24hrs since the water bag rupture. 28hrs already. And only 50% of amniotic fluid remains in the water bag. And cervix was still at 6cm open." she told me one of the tubes attached to me was already for induce, to help with opening of the cervix, but I was not responding to it and she has observed it hurt me a lot. She had taken it out and inserted it back and taken it out again but I was still at 6cm. In my mind, I was already so sad. Expenses would already be at 100k plus already! 😭 Dr Geline has also already informed Jan.

Then I was taken to the Operating Room. An anaesthesiologist was explaining to me about stuff that was gonna happen. They are gonna inject the anaesthesia and everything from my stomach down to my feet will be numb. Then I was put in a crouch position to have my spinal column clear to see. There was a specific place in my back where they are gonna inject the general anaesthesia.

They placed a cloth infront of me, like how you see in the movies where you cannot see them operation below. After the injection, I felt so cold. To the point I was freezing and my teeth were already clicking and making noises. The anaethesiologist was talking to me. She told me that it was nothing to worry about as it is normal when general anaesthesia is injected. And catheter was gonna be inserted so I may feel a little tingle down there. My arms were open wide. I cant remember if they were tied. What I knew was that I was awoke by the anaesthesiologist because I was already asleep while they were operating. "Maam, ayaw sag katog kay padung na mugawas si baby, nihagok pa raba jud ka". OMG kauwaw! 🙈😭

A few minutes after, I heard a baby crying. There, I saw my baby. But he wasn't placed on my chest😢 maybe also because I was numb. In my mind was "that's it? I already gave birth?" it felt nothing. Like blank. Also because I was numbed all over. It didn'tnhurt at all. Not the scenario or feeling Inhad expected for months. I could hear from doctors below mentioning "cord coil" but I was just so tired, i had slept again and hagok again 😅

I woke to the sound of my snore at the recovery room. It was just so damn loud. But I didn't care. I felt so friggin tired. A nurse was looking out for me. She asked if I could already move my feet. I couldn't. She told me I couldn't get to our room if I still couldn't move both feet. So I slept and snored again. After an hour or so, although I still could move my right feet, the nurse decided to have me taken at our room and Jan was there. I continued to sleep. I didn't know everyone was already calling Jan for updates. Even my parents. Oh and by the way, Daddy already told Jan to call them Mommy and Daddy already. Awwww ❤️

During my recovery, Jan helped me out. Even on eating, he would spoonfeed me. 🥺I really felt how he cared for me. He's constantly checking if I was okay. Took really good care of me like he was a nurse. ❤️

The next day after giving birth, Doc Geline visited me. She told me what happened. Turned out the baby was cord coiled which was why the baby couldn't descend and why my cervix couldn't open. I had 28hrs of labor. My baby has already defacated inside, already ate some of it, plus some even wen inside the lungs. He had pneumonia on his first day on the world. Imagine the things I was afraid of plus more, all happened on the BIG DAY 😭

But on the good side, atleast both of us are now safe. Things would have turned out bad if we had pushed thru with the normal birth since it the cord coil was only found out during operation, he would have been strangled when pushed out. 😭 It also would have been dangerous for me if I tried to push out on normal delivery because I was already so tired with 28hrs of labor contractions, remember, I snored so hard during operation. 😢

As Claire said, the late result of the swab test was a blessing in disguise. I'd also like to think of it that way.