#it's 22 min before shift end i cannot do THIS ANYMORE

[milesaerach]

NOT AGAIN

[llamameangelazul]

1:33 A.M.

My emotions are catching up to me and i’m exploding in tears. I haven’t cried this much for a while now... it’s like everything decided to crash into me today. All the resentment, dissapointment, sadness, rage, happiness....  I want to freeze time,  want to go back in time and relive moments with the people I loved the most. I am filled with nostalgia. Is it real or are they memories I have created? Was it really any better before or I just like to remember it to be that way? There’s just so much that I cannot put into words. I have to have a purpose to still be here. I hope I do. Life is confusing, I am confused 24/7. I am constantly stressed and overwhelmed in this house. I cannot leave yet unfortunately... my siblings are leeches. They will be the end of my parents. My parent’s will most likely not see my children, if I ever decide to have a child.Or perahps they will but not enjoy them as my other siblings children do. They pressure me and tell me to just do it, im 21, will be turing 22 this year. I do not need a child. No, i will not get married this year or next year either... I don’t know, will my papa ever see me getting married? The man I love with my whole heart. My poor mama, I feel for her now. I get why she was so hard on me. I don’t need them as much as my other siblings do. It’s something I had to overcome slowly, it’s not that they love me any less. it’s just that they know I am stronger than they are. I’ve done everything on my own... when I needed my family the most, my mama especially--- where was she? Not with me. She was at home taking care of my sister’s kids while I tried  to burn my skin off in the shower, punching the walls, sobbing. I will never understand how cruel people are. How some people are willing to defend or not speak up for others when they’re in trouble. Integrity. I am disgusted, and sickened by them. Being a cna, was the best and worst experience of my life. I took care of people in their most vulnerable moments. Some had lovely families who cared for them wholeheartedly while others it was almost like a chore/obligation to be there.... while others were all alone. Even the most difficult patients (Randy) who’d throw shit at me and everyone.... was hard to love had a soft spot. A senior nursing assistant who knew him since the day he stepped into the nursing home said he had a daugther and would visit him at first but decided to end all contact with him for whatever reason, but i’m sure she did it for a good reason.... but what i’m trying to say is.... everyone has seen some terrible things or lived through it or live in regret like how he lives now and he’s so angry all the time, it’s sad. I hope he is at peace one day. I worked night shifts, doubles. Worked my ass off.... for what? I cannot be a nurse. I cannot even step into a nursing home without hyperventilating. I wanted to become a nurse so badly, now that it’s not within my reach.....I feel useless. But... I’m trying to change career paths now and become a teacher or perhaps a counselor would be more suitable, I’d enjoy that more. I used to dream about becoming a travel nurse. Travel all of California, the states. But then I felt like a fucking joke when the DON at the nursing home told me, “You will become a nurse, this is his livelihood.” This haunts me. I dont give one fuck. He is a predator. He preyed on me when I was at my weakest. This was my third double shift... go in at 10pm leave at 2:30 sleep 4-5 hours and do it again. I was supposed to have a week off after this. We were short on people too. The people that worked there didn’t really care about these people. PSA: IF YOU LACK COMPASSION, HEALTHCARE ISN’T THE PLACE FOR YOU. IT WOULD PISS ME THE FUCK OFF HEARING PEOPLE COME IN THE MORNING COMPLAINING ABOUT their 7-10 residents where I would take care of 20+ residents, dress them for the morning and here I was working a double shift. Not the first time I’ve done it but that week I overdid it and worked those 3 days back to back.... He was never disrespectful towards anyone. He kept to himself and offered help to anyone who needed it. He was everyones “brother” there. He was a middle aged Latino man, only Latino than me and my coworker who i once though to be my “work mom”. He needed help  giving a bed bath which usually takes two people to those who are aggressive... While giving a bed bath he started small talk saying how my parents should be proud of how hardworking I am then went on how tired I looked and how I should rest on the bed like the other cna’s do and I was like no, I don’t do that , that’s unprofessional and I would never. Then he said my shoe lace was untied and i my back was turned to the bed behind so i bent over and he was BIG and pushed me and his weight was crushing me and he swirled his tongue down my throat and i bit him and tried pushing him off but i was so fucking weak and tired, I couldn’t do it, until I was able to fucking kick him in the nuts and i tried running through the bathroom but he locked it and then I pushed him and ran out of the room, he yelled in spanish “Don’t be scared, Don’t say anything, and I just ran to the end of the hall where there I saw my “work mom” and my other coworker and I just couldn’t speak but they jokingly said if i saw a ghost or something because i was pale. I threw up, when i managed to get some words out of mouth, they were in disbelief about what happened. They told the charge nurse, she said she was going to do “her best” and it was “okay” bitch, tf it is not. anyways.... my phone died but i was able to use my coworkers and i called my man and he immediatley made his way to my job. I KID YOU NOT... THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS STILL ON THE FLOOR. WHEN THE CHARGE NURSE WAS NOTIFIED, SHE SHOULD HAVE ESCORTED HIS ASS OUT IMMEDIATLEY. RIGHT????? RIGHT. anyways He comes 20 mins later and asks me who it was and i pointed to the coward in the purple scrubs. He pushed him out of the facility and asked him “what did you do to her? What did you do to my girlfriiend” to which he replies “I WaS JuSt PlaYinG with HeR.” WHO TF PLAYS WITH A 21 year old like that??? BULLLSHIT. EVERYONE HEARD. NO ONE SAID A THING when it came down to give my report. they all swore to back me up and they didn’t. the police officer got teary eyed as he saw me and said sadly, due to them not cooperating, they couldn’t make a case. Nothing happened. all i could do is get a restraining order. that’s it.... I still have not recovered from that. The disilusionment. The people I trusted. But then again, this isn’t the first time people let me down like that. Just the first time something major happened and it’s hard for me to let go of this. I am in pain. I am hurt. I do not want to hurt anymore. I’m a good fucking person. I used to be passionate about a lot of things and slowly started losing interest in them but this year I will try my best to do those things again. I will go on roadtrips again, i will go to at least one concert, I will read again, I will sing again, I will glue my pieces back together. Nobody got you like you got you. The only two people who was there for me in those moments was my dearest best friend Yulissa and my man, Donavon. I will forever be grateful for having them.  Right now, I need to focus on school, get help when needed, don’t hesitate asking for help, and not give as many fucks as I do. I need to stop giving a fuck but lmao it’s so HARD. I CARE ABOUT EVERYTHING TOO MUCH. but the moment i feel like it is not being reciprocated, I SHUT DOWN. I need to stop. I am so tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of feeling so much and nothing at all. I hate not knowing. But must embrace uncertainty. Help me, higher forces. Help me God, if you hear me. I’m sorry for losing faith. I don’t know if I could go back to church again but.... I guess I could try. Idk... Ok going to sleep. bye.