#it's 100% just a momentary emotional reaction and always passes quickly but i can't deny that the Discourse points noted above have been

[bereft-of-frogs]

so I think what’s going on right now is not quite so much writer’s block and more...getting really into my own head re: MCU and the discourse around it. Like not quite the fandom discourse because that’s a whole other thing, I’ve dealt with that before. The shipping discourse, the crappy character analysis, dark fic moralizing, villain police, that’s all like...spite as writing fuel. That shit sustains me.

This I feel like is...a little different.

it’s the:

- ‘please god watch another movie’ posts (making me feel like I have to ‘prove’ that I watch significantly highbrow movies)

- ‘this is all military propaganda and you are now complacent in the face of war’ posts

- it’s all the ‘these aren’t real movies’ and the ‘y’all dumbasses will really stan anything’ style, [insert anything to do with clowns] posts

- oh, I saw this one on twitter it was a ‘think of the children’ style hand wringing about how the Spiderman movies are turning kids off of working class solidarity (like, critique that part of the story, yes I actually agree, but to then take it to the ‘but the children tho’ level as if blockbuster movies are the only thing instructing children on morality)

- even all the pushback that I agree with on these posts just makes me feel tired

And the fact that because the last couple movies were so big, it’s now coming from people outside of the fandom. From people I know in real life and follow on my academic Twitter. I think that’s what really getting in my head. When I go to try and write it’s like...I can’t help think about all these takes. And it’s just getting me a......bit stuck in my own head.

Some of the pressure got redirected towards Star Wars the last couple weeks which is good but I feel like I’m just....trying to wait until things die down and I can feel more like I’m in my own little fandom cave again. I am essentially fandom gremlin who doesn’t like being exposed to sunlight. Too many people are looking at me. (Even though, yes, I know, no they’re actually not, they’re speaking in general terms but I still feel weirdly under a spotlight because I take things way too personally and internalize criticisms too much and I know and I’m working on it.)

Yeah, so I’m hoping things die down a little bit soon and I can go back to just secretly and quietly writing in my fandom cave.

I’m pairing this with a to-do list for today and tomorrow so that people don’t think I’m planning to quit or something. Because I’m not, I’m really trying to just wait this storm out. So today:

- work until 5

- I need to buy coffee after work and since I already have to stop I’m also going to pick up a frozen pizza because pizza is a great Friday night dinner! We had it every Friday when I was growing up. (And also buying beer because now I’m an adult)

- tonight is going to be no-pressure writing, just the short(er), quasi-plotless, ‘fun’ stuff because that’s what Friday nights are for! Pizza and beer and plotless whump!

- tomorrow AM I turn into a one-woman biohazard cleanup crew to deal with the post-sickness disaster that is my apartment (I also feel less creative when my habitat is disorganized)

- the less-fun, more-work writing: the first of my Marvel Trumps Hate fills (which...is actually at the stage of being pretty fun still, less work), the nine in the tree conclusion, and the ‘dead reign there alone’ conclusion (that last one should be fun, but currently involves reworking a disused fic idea so it’s a bit more challenging)

Aside from concrete to-do list things, I’m also going to try and 1) quit my Twitter addiction because it’s not healthy and I know it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to stop lurking, 2) be more liberal with the ‘block post’ button, and 3) return to doing a few things that I haven’t been doing lately that always made me feel creative (mostly listening to a couple podcasts I’d neglected, reading over coffee rather than scrolling, etc) and hope that helps a bit!

Sorry this was long/a lot of personal information/griping, but that’s what’s been going on lately! Happy Friday everyone!