#it'll probably be a day or two at the least before he'll msg he's probably waitin for me to crawl back n apologize
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Scared I won't be able to resist when (if) he tells me to come back
Scared that he won't
#doll#went from angry to numb n i can feel my resolve draining away#i don't know if i've ever disobeyed a direct order before i'm not sure i have it in me#it'll probably be a day or two at the least before he'll msg he's probably waitin for me to crawl back n apologize#but i. don't want him to touch me anymore. i don't want his hands on me.#before now my instinct was always to go to him for comfort n safety even if he was the one to hurt or scare me#after the latest..i just didn't want to. just curled up there on my own. he didn't try to touch me either but idk if that was#cause he could tell i didn't want him anywhere close to me or if he's just withholding all affection as punishment (again)#somewhere behind the numbness i can feel the pain startin to take over. idk how to survive this. it's gone bad before but he never went#that fully back to the way he was at the beginning in this system. i don't understand what happened#was it all an act up til now? or did i get too close n he chose to push me away for good instead of takin the risk n lettin someone in#i know a lot of it was just lies n pretense n misdirection to keep me around n under control but. everythin?#every little change since the start?#i don't wanna think about it cause if it's true i only got myself to blame n i can't i can't i can't#i gave him everythin i gave up all of myself n now that there's nothin left to give the act is up n he just goes back to the start?#like nothin happened like he didn't tear me apart n throw me out like trash when he's done#how do i stop caring how do i stop lovin him? i don't want it anymore but it's all i've ever known n idk if there's anythin else left in me#spdrvent
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