#it' mind organisation session time for me hooray !

[chayacat]

Since i started playing Hogwarts Legacy, i search any fiction about it. When i'll finish Road96 fiction, i know what to do next~

[theadventuresofaflamehairedqueer]

Some writing about how I never write.

I spent a great deal of time today, thinking about how I never write. Well, I write all the time at work. I send off emails like they are going out of fashion, my touch typing has never been faster or more efficient... I spend a lot of time communicating, but not enough time throwing my true thoughts into the void. Corporate vocabulary and formal email communication is a useful skill to have, until you are asked to express yourself in a counselling session and you end up mirroring your counsellor’s calm approach to support and reflecting it back to her- not the intention of the session at all!

So, to use an academic turn of phrase... as the new academic year approaches, I think it is high time that I get back into some kind of routine with my writing.

My world feels really rather small at this moment in time- I go to work doing a job that I love in Higher Education, I sing in a choir, I cook good, fairly balanced food (and wonderfully rich bakes that are not so balanced!) and practise my various musical instruments, ensconced in my lovely, freshly decorated room. I am awaiting my girlfriend’s return from her parents’ home, where she has been spending the summer largely being bored out of her mind (and far too far away from my cuddle range.) I have many candles and many books in my life to attempt to fill this gap. Essentially I am living the blissfully introverted life I craved when I was 15 and couldn’t bear the thought of a day without at least an hour dedicated solely to reading.

Now I am here, however, cuddled up with my books and candles and organisation, and... I am not satisfied. When did I forget that I had so many adventures planned? When did I give up on my bigger ambitions? Do I still even want these things? I would have made a list there and then, halfway through my work day, but I am generally too low when my work calendar grants me even the smallest space to reflect, to even construct an effective chart or plan that does not involve work. A lack of motivation to help yourself get out of your low patch using the coping mechanisms that you know you can do, but cannot implement... that is true limbo, a special kind of purgatory that feels like self-torture until you try to move forward and simply can’t.

I have, therefore, spent the rest of the day reminding myself that I have not given up on these dreams, but rather shelved them in order to get better. A combination of mental health issues, a PTSD diagnosis and adjusting to full time work in the HE sector after four years of student life has meant that these dreams, these aspirations, now sit in a different time frame to where they once resided.

This is not a problem.

This is NOT a problem.

I keep telling myself this. I get through the next ten minutes. The next hour. I get myself home. I breathe and I can decompress and I realise, truly and fully, that I need to spend some time reconnecting with myself and who I am; how I exist within the world. Now that I have moved past the stage of ‘surviving’ and coping with my immediate symptoms, my trauma is less pronounced and more manageable, and I have just completed a comprehensive and revelatory series of counselling sessions, I feel like it is the time to start making some damn lists. I need to try some labels on for size (both gender and clothing wise) and cut myself some slack. In the words of Jess Glynne, don’t be so hard on yourself though. Learn to forgive. Learn to let go.

So now is the time. I am going to get writing again; poetry, reflective writing, sporadic emotive updates and passionate soliloquies about everything from politics to Paramore’s upcoming tour... typing into the glorious void once more. Hooray!

Today’s gay agenda:

Write list- goals and aspirations!

Draw up some clothing looks/collages

Browse catalogues/online lookbooks

CV bullet point list, what have I done recently to be proud of? Academic, personal, social?