#it’s kinda weird actually being personally in demand as a skilled worker

[dekuinthelake]

Happy Birthday Bloodborne

Seeing as it’s the 5th year Bloodborne has graced this mess of a planet with it’s omnipotent light I figured write a little thing about how much the game means to me. I’m going to get fairly personal so if you don’t like that kinda thing feel free to skip.

The first time I beat BB I didn’t think much of it, honestly. I’d had a rather basic playthrough where I didn’t see pretty much any of the optional bosses or do any of the story. I did as Gehrman suggested and just hunted some beasts. I took a break from it for a while and didn’t return to it until my life started getting... Difficult. 

My parents a year prior had gone through a rather turbulent divorce. In the wake of this, my sister and her boyfriend moved in so we could all help my dad pay for his house if only just barely. At the time we all knew even with four of us we didn’t make the type of money to help make payments and the inevitability of him loosing the house was a constant and looming stress. Worse still, my sister only agreed to move in if she was added to the mortgage, meaning she could threaten to sell on a whim, a privilege which she started using to strong arm me and my dad in to behaving a certain way. Her boyfriend was verbally abusive towards everyone, but especially condescending to her. Tension grew between all four of us, but especially between me and the boyfriend. I could ask my sister if she wanted to go out to lunch and catch up and she’d respond, “Let me ask my BF”. His control over her became apparent and the wedges he was intentionally drawing between her and our family was impossible to ignore.

All the while I was working a 4AM shift at a Zoo in the winter and barely getting any daylight or human contact since I had to be in bed so early to wake up for the drive. I cleaned a mile of glass in the dark every day non stop, only to have it be dirtied the moment the park opened. No matter how hard I worked to keep the park as clean as I could, even to the point of putting on dust masks to knock down spider, the higher ups weren’t happy with our companies work. As our contract was rapidly coming to an end, rumors began to circulate that we might not have it renewed if things didn’t improve. Worse still, someone had been stealing from the supply closet. Supposedly only the managers knew the code, and this sparked massive distrust in the Zoo staff towards our department to the point keys were taken away and our lives were made harder by no longer having access to vital shortcuts around the park which made getting from place to place take even longer in the miles long local. 

This futility and rage sparked the most obsessive play through of a game I’ve had to date. Undeniably, these situations were hopeless and lonely, and Bloodborne is a game that understood exactly how I was feeling. The Hunt is, after all, an eternal nightmare. No matter how many beasts, kin, or humans you kill, it’s an unending loop of uncertainty and oppressive danger. The tenuous state of things in Yharnam was uncomfortably familiar. Only in the game, it was far easier to focus on the things I could control.

The weapon I wielded. The stats I chose to upgrade. Which path I wanted to explore. The fluid combat enabled more split second choices every second, helped in large part by a generous stamina bar. More so than Dark Souls, Bloodborne expects you, the player, to take charge. You either commit to an aggressive plan and kill the beasts, or you die. 

When I first started, I played extremely cautiously and likewise did not have a lot of success. On new game +1, however, I began to realize that vital element. Hesitate and you die. Commit entirely and live. The more I played, the more I meditated on the very nature of what this game was communicating to me. 

In my actual life, I hadn’t come out as trans yet and it was something I was viciously debating internally. Earlier that year I tried to commit suicide. I half came out in the hospital, telling the ICU nurses my name was Mike. But even in the psych ward I was terrified to speak to social workers and groups about those feelings... Being that I had 6 hours completely alone and in the dark, it gave me time to listen to a lot of media by trans people. I distinctly remember one video where a trans woman was describing what dysphoria feels like and openly sobbing. I was starting to understand the core of why I hated myself, my body, and my current situation so much. 

But I was afraid. Even after the epiphany that I wanted to come out, I had a lot of doubt on if I could afford HRT, if I could commit to it, and what people would think. I worried starting T and in turn second puberty would bring back my horrible temper that I had going through it the first time. When I say I had rage problem, that’s putting it mildly. I’ve punched people before just for touching me when I was younger, and with the situation between me and my sister’s boyfriend getting more tense by the day I was rightfully concerned it might erupt in to actual physical violence. 

And so... I continued to come home from being alone all to spend most of my time alone playing Bloodborne. It was a great game to keep my mind off of things because of how much focus it demands to play. Funny enough, once you get good at it, the beasts are also a great punching bag.

A lot can be said about how Blood Vials aren’t the best method of healing. Having to stop boss attempts because you need to go farm some red Estus isn’t great design. However, running around that first part of Yharnam with the beast claws just shredding through citizens like a wild animal is possibly the most cathartic thing in my life at the time. It made me feel powerful, unstoppable, and like I was in complete control. I knew exactly how to handle the big pats one by one, and eventually I got skilled enough to just run into that big mob by the tree and stop people anyway because of how good the audio queues are at letting you know when you gotta dodge. I spent hours in both this location AND Chalice Dungeons farming for Echoes and consumables to the point that controlling my character in Bloodborne feels as natural as walking. 

I started beating the game faster and faster. I was on +5 difficulty and working on the DLC by myself when things escalated... 

At this point, I knew staying at my dad’s house wouldn’t be possible. The verbal fights between me and my sister were getting more and more prevalent. More than that, I knew it was time to come out and I didn’t feel secure doing that in an environment that was actively hostile. The plan was to save up, move out with two friends... But moving out came far faster than I had anticipated. 

A few days after my birthday, we had a family meeting. I don’t remember what sparked it, but we all sat around and voiced our complaints with each other. When it was my turn to speak, I brought up the fact my sister’s boyfriend had been intentionally isolating her on top of in general just being a jackass to her. He’d make her get things for him, call her stupid when they played games... The works. I don’t remember what he said that sparked it, but I remember the feeling... A really familiar feeling I hadn’t had in years. My pulse thundered in my neck so hard I couldn’t hear anyone over it. I started yelling incoherent shit. My sister stood in front of him because I was aggressively stepping forward. It was that temper I thought I’d knocked coming back. If she hadn’t gotten in the way, I’m absolutely sure I would have pummeled that man. I hadn’t felt that way since I strangled a kid in school to the point he nearly passed out.

 It was then I knew I had to leave. By nature, I’m violent. I hate it. But the decisiveness which I’d slowly been building helped me find the courage to admit this.

I took off in my car and just hauled ass to the highway. I had a bloodborne CD I’d been playing on my way to and from work. It sounds silly, but larping I was just a hunter during those crushing morning shifts was helping me keep going. Sure it was hopeless, but I felt bad ass to keep trying. I needed to have an unbreaking will to deal with this dilemma. Having so recently made a second attempt to kill myself, I had this powerful urge that no matter what I couldn’t end up there again. So, I decided not to beat myself up about it and just accept that I had to move on and away from what little family I had left.   I remember not really thinking words. I listened to Gehrman’s music on repeat with the windows rolled down going 78 miles an hour and just... Screaming. Literally screaming as loud as I could in to the night. Over and over again until it hurt just to breathe. 

Even though I felt betrayed by the people I thought were closest to me there wasn’t anything I could do but endure. 

Eventually I arrived my current roommate’s parent’s place where they were living at the time. I told her and her husband what happened. We went to the store for something. I got a call from my dad saying my sister was threatening to move out and apparently had yelled at him for not keeping me in line despite the fact at one point he’d physically gotten up and started yelling in my face to calm down. That was it. I asked my friend’s parents if I could move in temporarily and... That was that. 

The next day we gathered up all my things. I had to leave my dogs which was possibly the most agonizing part. 

But that night? I beat the orphan of Kos by myself on +5 on my computer monitor plugged in the wall and set on a box. Doing that was this weird extreme elation. It’s like I’d defeated two massively difficult, seemingly impossible tasks in one day. I’m glad I had help with the moving, though. Unlike Kos, that would have been impossible alone haha.

That weekend passed and I went back to work at the Zoo as normal. After I finished my shift, however, every employee in my company was called to a meeting. This was it. We all knew what was coming. We were to be laid off in December, giving us 3 months to find new work or apply to the company that was taking over the contract. 

In the wake of this news, moral plummeted. No one really tried that hard. I was coming in high to work every day and drinking with a coworker during our shift while we tired our best to continue work. That last month I worked there was a weird drug addled haze of extreme emotions mixed with ignoring them in favor of listening to VaatiVidya lore breakdowns of Bloodborne. 

I was going home and spending hours on art inspired by the general vibe of the game and my impossible to digest feelings. I’d lost my job, home, and family. I don’t know if I would have survived without both Bloodborne and my art as an outlet.

In the following months, I had gotten to New Game +7 and started recording myself trying to kill bosses without healing. Even though to this day no one watches these attempts but me, making them was frankly vital to keeping me distracted and focused on something I could control. 

There was a time where I didn’t think Ludwig +1 was beatable but... Here I am two years later happily having 100% Bloodborne and beaten every boss on +7, most of them without even needing to heal. 

The biggest lesson I took away from this game was persistence and decisiveness. The Souls series in general made me realize something huge that to this day has helped me fight my depression back. I’m a stubborn fuck who will grind and grind and grind until I finally achieve victory.

Fight for the progress you want to make. Things seem hopeless a lot, but you have to keep going. With effort, you can change anything you want to in your life.

Two years later, I’ve been doing HRT for 1 year and 3 months. I just had top surgery done. I’m working a job I like that’s got normal daytime hours and pays more than any work I’ve ever had with benefits. I don’t think I would have had the tenacity to stick to these things without realizing a fundamental aspect about my personality thanks to the help of Bloodborne specifically. 

I can endure, learn, grow, adapt. 

Thank you, Fromsoft. I hope this conveys a shred of what this dumb little game means to me. I needed Bloodborne so much when I moved out. I’m so glad it exists.

[osmw1]

Poison-Wielding Fugitive   Chapter 14

Okay, let’s see… Something else I can try out is Synthesize Poison, so I activate it. The same menu from Poison Condensation pops up, and upon further inspection, the same options I remember are there too. It looks like there isn’t any sort of change.

‘Hold… There is an option labeled “Create.”’

What? I double-check my options after hearing about it. I only then noticed that there was a “Create” option inside the “Synthesize” submenu. Well, let’s select it and see what’s there.

Weak Poison Weak Anesthesia

Seems like I can only make the make the two right now. Surprisingly few too. It doesn’t even look like I can make swamp toxin. I hope I’ll be able to perform when it comes to the crunch. I guess you could say I anticipate seeing myself grow. Since I’ve just changed my class, if I keep on trying new things, I should be able to do more and more.

‘For the rest of the day, let us go hunting to raise your level. After all, we have nearly finished fulfilling the request we have taken.’ “Yeah, that’s right… Even though I’ve gained as much strength as I did headaches today… No way to go but forward.”

After replying to Veno—though it might have seemed like I was talking to myself—I exited the dungeon. I walked around the pool of poison—my lifesaver in case of emergency. However, it seems like the monsters seem to have an upper edge. I didn’t see any of these yesterday, but there are quite a variety of monsters that inhabit this swamp.

I even encountered a pack of Terracotta Poison Zombie Dogs and a two-meter long venomous snake called a Khaki Snake. While camping in the water, I sniped the Zombie Dogs with my Rapid Feather Crossbow. Shooting them down turned out to be unexpectedly easy. But, were they here yesterday? These monsters? Perhaps I had not come across them. And then the Khaki Snake, maybe they’re fine with poison, so it slithered over here. But with my sword, I pierced through its head and defeated it too.

With all its might, it chomped down on me. It only hurt a little, but it was no big deal. It probably didn’t have any deadly venom. But it’s also plausible that thanks to my Poison Absorption, I healed everything but a wee bit of pain. I stopped to collect the venom of the Khaki Snake.

Perhaps what it might be is that being poisoned gave me a temporary buff. Poison Absorption, my clutch skill, is nearly frighteningly all-powerful. After the fight, I went to retrieve my bolts. A pain, but I’ve got to do my best to reuse them.

After that, I got some herbs from Veno. He taught me to grind it down to a paste and mix in some water to create medicine. Just in case I need to heal someone else than me, I’ve got it covered. And like that after my job change, I continue to unexpectedly level up without any problems.

“Blast it! You bastards! After finally making these lands livable, you have come to demand the sapling of the world tree from us?!”

Compatriots of the man from my previous dream stand before me, angrily shouting and slamming fists down on the desk in this assembly room.

“You are going to say that you need the strength of the sapling to power your weapons against the monsters, are you not? I bet you have concluded that it would be easier to steal from us than to defeat the King of Monsters.” “How you’re honestly under the impression that just by defeating that monster, you can somehow miraculously save the world… I can call it nothing but foolish.” “To minimalize your losses, you spread rumours all around the world and come stomping in our nation.” “What are you planning to do?”

They all focus their sights on the man who spoke of his dreams of reclaiming the wastelands.

“In order to protect our nation, we have no choice but to fight. To launch the first strike at the elves would incur many casualties, but it should be possible. However… with a conflict like that, the ruler of monsters would be called into action.” “… deplorable. Then we would be fighting a foolish battle.”

That voice filled with disdain was from a first-person point of view.

“I know. That’s why we have to get over this difficult hurdle with minimal sacrifices. In order to live a life without war… I know it will be a beautiful thing. And because of that, I don’t want to abandon these dreams of mine.”

The man with dreams of reclamation sympathized and his comrades nod in agreement.

“Their unreasonably demands of us proves that they’ve been driven into a corner too. Their sapling of the world tree is withering and the energy from it is dwindling, hence the excessive orders. If we hold out for a bit more, we should be able to then drag out the negotiations.”

As well, any method we choose to do things, we have to weaken trump card. The man with dreams of reclamation brandishes his sword and declares.

“From here on, no matter how unreasonable things may be or if an unnecessary war breaks out, just as long as we proceed forward with care for the people in the world, we will find a means of survival.”

He raises his sword to symbolize his determination to end the fighting, consolidating everyone to the cause.

“We have to do our best.” “Ah, you just keep doing what you’re doing. Just defend this area.” “Hmph. If you invade my territory, you will break this alliance. And if that happens, I’ll do my worst to you.” “I know. Now, so that we don’t have to lose anymore than we have already… onwards!”

The world is a complicated place. And because of that, senseless battles are fought over and over again. In that short amount of time, the mind that I have connected with understood the dizzying change of circumstances. Having strength alone won’t resolve the situation, and wars start even if you have wisdom. I might have heard a sigh of lament on how things aren’t going the way he wanted.

It’s now the third afternoon since I’ve come to this world, just after I advanced my job. I turn up at the village’s part-curio shop, part-apothecary… Arleaf’s father’s place.

“Oh, that you, Cohgray?” “Ah, yes.”

Correcting him would be a pain, so I let it slide. After taking a few requests from Arleaf’s dad, I’ve almost become a regular here. But, I mean, it’s only been three days.

“Didya go to the swamp again today? Remember to take care of your body.” “Well, I’m good at neutralizing poison…”

I brought in crystallized swamp poison that I created while I was in the swamp water today. Veno said that I could create poison with water from the swamp, so while I was out trying that out, I went gathering a few herbs.

“By the way, where is Arleaf?”

I haven’t seen her in the past three days.

“Ah, Arleaf’s gone to other villages nearby to sell medicine. She’ll be back in about… three days or so.” “Oh, is that right?”

She even goes around peddling… what a hard worker. I haven’t seen a single bad thing about her yet.

“What’s up? You interested in Arleaf? Well, she’s real friendly and she can take care of others, so she’s popular with adventurers. I’m right proud of my daughter.”

That’s for sure. She’s pretty and nice. It’d be weird if she weren’t popular. Also, quit bragging about your own daughter! There’s something annoying about that.

“That other time, you had a spat with her. Was there something wrong between the two of you?” “If I said anything, I’d be revealing her secrets and we’ll end up fighting again. Shouldn’t you ask her about it directly?” “Certainly…” “Actually, Cohgray. You come here everyday bringing those items I request. Aren’t those all pretty difficult to get for you, eh?”

For me, it’s the opposite. My suspicions on what he actually deals in this apothecary grow. From poisonous moss that will send you to the afterlife to highly addictive ingredients to be used in tobacco, all his requests are strange and worrisome.

As well, my level has gone up and so has the number of poisons I am able to create. The stuff I made during my experiment with Synthesize Poison would mesh well with all the poisonous stuff in this shop, so I brought it along. It’s an instantly-effective slow poison… Once hit by this poison, it slows down the target’s neurotransmission, causing temporary sluggishness and delayed reflexes. I could use Poison Enchantment on my crossbow arrows—err, bolts… stick them with a few of those and I’ll have an easier fight with fast-moving monsters. For some reason, this apothecary seems to deal in poisons, so I sold it to him.

And, about money… well, I’ve saved up quite a bit, I thought… but when I went to the equipment store, my eyes popped out of their sockets. An iron sword is still affordable. But anything else is in a totally different league. And furthermore, the oil for maintaining my sword is kinda pricey too. Jumping into the swamp really makes my sword rust up quick, putting me in quite the unfortunate plight of having to constantly polish it.

“And more than that, you’ve even brought some mid-grade potions. There’s no way I wouldn’t be interested.” “Well, you know, I’m learning from an acquaintance how to make them.”

After switching jobs, Veno recommended me to buy a pot, a mortar, and a pestle so that I can learn how to make potions. Though I can heal myself with poisons, I could fulfill any requests for medicines. Maybe it’s because Veno himself is a dragon poison or perhaps it’s his never-ending curiosity, but medicine is something he’s familiar with. Veno stored a whole lot of roughly-prepared potions for me,  but he told me that I should refine and finalize them. With his support, I keep on producing more. Poison and potion begin the same anyway.

“Cohgray. What about the mana potions that I’ve personally requested you to get me?” “Oh, that stuff. I’ve already made some yesterday.”

I made some of the exact medicine—err, potions—that speeds up magic recovery appear right on his counter. I made it from poisonous herbs in the swamp that Arleaf didn’t pick. It was relatively easy to make for how much money it sells for. Two days ago, Arleaf’s dad showed me a way that I must make it, but it was quite the pain in the ass way to do so. When I probed into it, all I knew I had to do was to make a different concoction with the same effects. With me stuck between that and the pain in the ass method, Veno called out to me.

‘Though it is an easy process, I am a fool for not having realized sooner…’

Veno tells me that this process isn’t something that he found out by himself. I didn’t ask further, but does that mean it’s the method of someone hiding somewhere out there in the world? Or maybe it’s something like a recipe book written by an old witch who’s now in retirement. Whatever the origins may be, a complete novice like I was able to make a decent potion using the techniques I learned from back in home-ec class in school with this method. All I had to do was to grind poisonous herbs down to a paste with a mortar and pestle, boil it, reduce it, stir it, and strain it through some cloth. Well… if you were to handle it with bare hands, you’re likely to develop a rash. But since I had Poison Absorption, I was perfectly fine.

“Alrighty, then, I’ll buy it from you. Lookin’ forward to the next time too… I know you said you’re good with poison, but don’t get cocky, eh? There is stuff out there that no one can handle.” “That is something I have got see then.”

I’d also want to test out the capabilities of my Poison Absorption too. It’s important to know your limits and to stay within it, right?

“Seeing you bein’ so composed, no wonder you don’t need no buddies.” “Was that sarcastic?”

The adventurers in the plaza and the tavern all seem to be looking for more party members, but it’s hard to join an already established group. So that’s why I can’t help but to do these quests all on my own. It’s not by choice!

“You don’t have a Warrior above level 30, do ya? We’re recruiting people to defeat a Tiger Ohm.”

It feels like he’s saying that just to see if I have a party I adventure with. It’s just that… most people are higher level than me. And the ones who are low-levelled all claim to be a great class. Moreover, we’re in such a deserted village; there aren’t many people here. From what I can tell from the three days I’ve been here, all the parties seem to have a fixed lineup already.

I’ve been asking here and there to join a group… but I’m a Poison-Wielder! I can’t say tell people that. Maybe I should lie about my job. I’d be such a chicken though. “Poison-Wielder” just doesn’t sound good and plus, I’m being pursued… Because of that, I’ve been going for quests that I can complete alone, such as ones in the heart of the poisonous swamp. Besides, the swamp feels like an onsen; soaking in it takes away my fatigue.

By the way, I’m level 17 right now. I feel like I’m levelling up quite quickly. It seems like the monsters in the swamp aren’t exactly weak either. It’s a dangerous place for monsters who can’t do a thing to counteract the poison. And partly because of the miasma, adventurers in this empty village don’t go out that way much. The rare ones that do go, I haven’t met yet. That’s why there are so many plants to harvest over there with lots of monsters still alive too. Because of that… there have been rumours saying that I might be some high-level, high-rank mage or something like that.

previously: /ch001/ /ch002/ /ch003/ /ch004/ /ch005/ /ch006/ /ch007/ /ch008/ /ch009/ /ch010/ /ch011/ /ch012/ /ch013/ /next/ (full list of translated chapters) (discussion thread) (support Average Translations)