#it’s also worth mentioning that I somehow held down three jobs and passed an online class with an A+ as all of this was going on

[letsdiscoverkitty]

"Life" Update - May 2021

This is the last of the three updates I have to post at the moment. If anyone actually reads these, especially in one go, you really do deserve a medal and I have no idea what I have done to deserve your kindness and support but THANK YOU SO MUCH (to all of you who are here, you are all truly wonderful and amazing) Okay, let's get going....

I suppose the title is a bit, well, overkill. To say that anyone has been had any sort of "life" over the past year would be a huge misuse of the word. The global pandemic has, quite literally, turned life upside down for the vast majority of people and I know that lockdowns, especially in the UK, have meant that anything other than what was deemed "essential" has been off the cards, which has hit us all hard.

I personally found it quite difficult whilst I was in hospital as although on the one hand it was good to know that there wasn't much that you were missing out on whilst locked on a ward with 15 minutes fresh air (if you were lucky), it did make it hard to find/hold onto motivation at times. Coupled with the fear of how my dad's condition would progress, whether he would make it and what sort of home life I would be going back to; the world suddenly felt even noisier than it had before (which I didn't think was really possible). The situation seemed to further heighten my fears as well as add to them. I found my mind was swamped with so many questions and fears, to then be asked about my future/what I wanted to do with my life (that classic question) and what my motivations were to get better, was too much. I fell blank.

I had completely lost myself and any shed of hope that was left inside of me. I tried to put on a smile; paint a different picture to the outside world but inside I was dark. I was hollow. I was empty.

What was the point? You never know what is waiting around the corner; everything can turn upside down overnight. What kind of 'life' would there be going back to anyway? Would it be possible to go to University anymore or would there still be multiple restrictions in place? would that make the huge financial costs worth it? What sort of society will we be coming out of the pandemic anyway? Will we even come out of this? Will people ever go back to offices again? Will we be able to see friends soon or go out to places? What about travelling? Fun? LIFE?

I found depression swamped me more than ever after dad's accident. I was trying to hold myself together for mum but I was losing all hope of anything ever being 'the same' or 'okay' again. In the end, the only reason I accepted the admission was for mum - I wanted to be able to support her with dad in hospital and us not know what the future held; as much as I wished I could be there all the time, I knew in the state I was that I couldn't. Initially I was told the admission would be a short one, that I could then go back home to support my mum through the family trauma...but that 4 weeks soon turned into over 8 months, which I still can't believe.

Gosh, I am sorry, I seem to have got a little distracted. This was meant to be the POSITIVE update. So let's get to those bits...

NEWS ONE: I HAVE A JOB (starting in Sept)

So whilst in hospital my consultant kept trying to get me to think about what I wanted to do with my life (just the small questions you know *lol*) - in her eyes she thought it would be risky to go back to University to do neuroscience/a degree so intense, and that instead I should think about doing something more creative, taking small steps to get a part time job and then go from there - which, as much as I hated to admit, I agreed with. However after one particularly bad run-in with the nutritionist when she decided to tell me that she didn't think I could achieve a life beyond Anorexia (it must have been mid-way-ish through my admission) blah blah blah (I get that she could have been trying to motivate me but there is a way to go about it and then there are ways to really not go about it and she chose the latter). Anyway, I was rather angry/mad and ended up doing basically trying to prove everyone wrong and started doing some research into my different options...

Long story short: I ended up applying to a degree apprenticeship scheme in business management...I've never really considered something like this before, perhaps partially because at school they drilled into me that business was a "soft" subject as it would not be looked upon very highly for Oxbridge applications *rolls eyes*. Thankfully I did a lot of research into Degree Apprenticeships a few years ago so I knew where to look online. Anyway, back to this application. I ended up going through the process/tests, somehow managing to make it through the initial online stages, then just before I was discharged I was invited to a online interview!

I only had a few days to do the interview before it timed out so I actually ended up doing it In the end the day after I was discharged (not ideal) and I was convinced that I had messed it up as it was one of those ones where you get shown the question for around 30 seconds before being given 2 minutes to respond - i.e. stress.pressure.anxiety.stumbling over words. HORRENDOUS.

I somehow passed the interview and the reviews before being invited to an online assessment centre in Feb, which spanned a whole day and included multiple interviews (the first was a strengths based interview with 2 interviewers for just over an hour - yuck!!!) as well as a presentation which we were given 24hrs in advance to prepare for (we were given 4 'topics'/questions and had to answer all of them in a 15 minute window using aids if we chose to, again to 2 (different) interviewers before having a 45 minute further interview - double yuck!)

Dare I say that I actually enjoyed the preparation for the presentation and the interviews?! It was so nice to have a focus and something to be working on that I was actually really beginning to connect with/want/see myself doing. The interviews and presentation themselves? HORRIBLE but the process reignited something within me. After the assessment centre day we were told it could be 7-10 working days to hear back from them - waiting for anything like this is just the worst so I wasn't looking forward to it and tried not to get my hopes up as these schemes are ridiculously hard to get into... Well, I got the call the next day saying that they were so impressed and out of something like 14,000 applications, I was offered one of the spaces on the scheme!! - I honestly still can't believe it and imposter syndrome is v real -

I know at the beginning of this I sounded very blase about the whole thing but as I progressed through the process, as I read more about the scheme and the business and what it would entail, the more I began to get excited. The more I realised how interesting it was and what an amazing opportunity it would be for me.

Despite this, I was also at the time, finishing up yet another an application to University (for the millionth time, I swear I must be a pro at these personal statements by now) this time for psychology and behavioural studies. This was before I got the offer of the degree apprenticeship scheme, which I knew was a long shot with only a handful of places given for thousands of applicants, so I felt I had to keep my options open (Neuro is still an area of fascination to me but not so much with the INTENSE LEVEL of physiology and pharmacology that I was doing at Bristol. Yes bits of it were good and interesting but that degree was ridiculous and, again, I felt far more drawn towards the behavioural studies and psychology when researching into Universities). I ended up getting 3 offers, 1 interview for Cambridge and 1 rejection (ironically from Bristol, even with my recommendation/support being from my previous personal tutor at Bristol!) - so I suddenly had options. And then the offer from the degree apprenticeship came through and there were even more options to choose from.

It honestly felt so surreal (and still does).

In the end, after a lot of thinking and debating and researching and talking, I decided to withdraw my University application and I accepted the degree apprenticeship role. Overall it is such an incredible opportunity that I knew I couldn't turn down, whereas University will always be there. I am actually getting a little excited about it (as well as extremely nervous, but I must say that the company has made a really positive/good impression thus far, even as far as creating MH podcasts with a psychologist for us and offering things like zoom baking sessions!).

So what is this degree apprenticeship? In short, it is a 3 year course during which I will have a Monday to Friday job at the company (for which the office is actually commutable from home - it is about 1hrs drive, which is not the best but it does mean that I can stay at home for at least the first year and there is a train I could get if I was too tired to do the drive all the time. As much as staying at home is not my long term plan it might help with the transition back to work/education to have a bit of stability and the support). During the first 2 years at the company we do four separate 6 month rotations in different areas to get lots of experience (marketing, supply chain, sales etc) whilst in the final year you get to put in a preference for where you would like to work for the year long placement. During this, every 6 or 7 weeks, we have to spend a week at University (which is not in commutable distance at all so the the company pays for our accommodation, travel and food during this time). As far as I have been told, we also get time during the working week allocated to do Uni work as well as our standard 'desk' jobs. Oh and not to mention one of the biggest sellers for degree apprenticeships....the company is basically sponsoring you so pays ALL of your tuition fees PLUS a basic salary! This means that you come out, in this case, with a Chartered business management degree, 3 years of hands-on work experience, as well as you being pretty much guaranteed a job within the company AND no student debt!!! How incredible is that? PLUS one big perk of the job is that they allow dogs in the office - I mean how could I say no to that?!!!!

So yes, by some magical miracle I actually have a job lined up for September! It still doesn't feel real and I am yet to fully process it. They don't know how it will be affected by COVID but the company did continue the programme last year (unlike some that postponed) so fingers crossed all should be going ahead. I have 'met' the other 4(?) who are on the scheme at my office as well and they seem lovely (including one other person who is my age/slightly older - which was such a relief as I was worried about it being only people just out of college).

I realise that it is going to be tough, I do not underestimate that at all, but I couldn't let anorexia still yet ANOTHER life milestone and opportunity away from me. There was a lot of questioning as to whether I should take it or not; I went back and forth between many spreadsheets that I made but I think this opportunity far outweighs going back to University. I have tried that route twice already and had to leave because of everything/haven't really coped (I think in some ways, being at Uni there is TOO MUCH free time and it allowed my perfectionism to run riot as I always felt like I was 'behind' in one way or another?). And that is not to mention that if I was going back to University, I would need to spend another 3-4 years studying, I would leave with little work experience or job in mind at the age of 29/30 with a mountain of debt.... And as I said before, I can always go back to University if I want to in the future/re train if I decide to, but this opportunity with a global company, well, this will never ever come my way again.

So yes that is my BIG BIG news. But I also have one more bit of news....

I'm getting a kitten. Yes, A KITTEN!!!!! I have so much more to say on this but for now you will have to wait and see. Photos will come when SHE does (a couple of weeks now)!!!

[funkzpiel]

Fictober 2018 | Day 3

Whump!Fic | Blind - Gavin900

As far as they could tell it was a virus; embedded code inside of another android lying in wait for the moment the police department attempted to probe its memory. And Nines just so happened to be the unlucky android to try. They had touched, both their exoskeletons pale and perfect, and then suddenly what looked like blue veins sparkled and bloomed across the suspect’s skin, darting to the location where Nines touched him. There was a spark and a strange, horrid noise from RK900’s processes, and then stunned silence.

Gavin had a gun trained on their suspect before anyone knew what was happening. He kept him under barrel as other cops rushed forward to better pin and subdue him. Their shouted questions of “what happened?” and “what did you do to him?” fell on deaf ears. Eventually they had to move the unit to isolation.

“Are you okay?” Gavin heard Connor ask Nines softly. RK900 merely blinked as though only just coming back to the present and said, “Perfectly fine.”

And it was almost believable.

Perfectly fine my ass.

Nines continued to act oddly after that. It was small things at first. He seemed a little dazed, as though focusing on something else entirely rather than his reports as they filed the incident in the interrogation room. Gavin said something irritated to the android – whined, really – and no comeback follower, not a single smart remark.

Later someone placed a file on RK900’s desk and he startled as though he hadn’t seen them coming. Then again, when Gavin asked for the time like the lazy little smart ass he was rather than using, say, his own tablet, Nines merely frowned in the direction the clock would be before diverting to his internal memory instead.

Gavin finally confirmed it by crumbling a loose piece of paper into a ball and very obviously tossing it at the android’s head. It popped off Nines comically, right between his perfect brows, and Gavin got the evidence he was looking for. Nines had startled on impact.

��You’re fucking blind, aren’t you?” Gavin finally stated tactfully.

Nines didn’t even bother to turn away from his report, eyes seemingly scanning over it and said, “I’m not sure how childish games resulted in that conclusion, detective.”

“I’m not sure why you’re lying, tin can, and yet here we are. Why the fuck didn’t you tell anyone?”

Blue eyes turned to face him only they didn’t quite find him, instead softly pointed over Gavin’s right shoulder. Nines’ temple was burning a steady wheel of yellow.

“It’s not worth distracting other officers from their jobs. My systems are handling it, it’s… just taking more time than anticipated.”

More time than anticipated? Well if the android didn’t want to take shit like going blind seriously, then obviously Gavin shouldn’t either. Nines didn’t seem worried, after all.

Gavin felt his thinking shift from shit, is the expensive plastic prick ok to fuck yeah, my turn to give him hell, self-absorbed bastard.

Cue three more paper balls timed precisely to the moments where Nines appeared most dazed or most focused on his reports that he couldn’t read. When Gavin pointed that out, Nines assured him that while he couldn’t see he could still absorb information via contact with the device. Gavin threw another ball at his head. RK900 blinked slowly at him before turning back to his report.

Gavin played on his phone while he had the opportunity to without Nines’ judging look. Somehow the bastard still knew. He built a castle out of playing cards on Nines’ desk, curious how high he could go without the android noticing. After a grueling amount of patience and focus, he managed to complete the little tower and let out a hoot – only for Nines to immediately blow it down with a deliberate huff out the side of his mouth. The cards scattered into a messy pile. Gavin frowned.

“Asshole,” he muttered.

“I’m not the one wasting department time with trivial games, detective,” Nines said with a strained, odd little bite to his tone. Gavin squinted at him, suspicious, but let it lie.

It wasn’t for another twenty minutes later – when Gavin had tried to get back to work – that the man actually forgot about his partner’s predicament entirely. Offhandedly he shot off a distracted, “Hey Nines, pass me that hard drive? Evidence is up my ass about getting it back into lock up.”

He held a hand out for it, eyes still on his own tablet as he tapped an angry message with his free hand telling the evidence department to shut the hell up already, he was coming. He looked up only when he realized Nines had never moved.

“Nines, don’t be a dick—” His words trailed off at the sight of his partner.

The LED on the side of RK900’s temple was whirling a steady stream of red and his face looked pinched, unusual. Almost as though…

Almost as though he were close to tears – the ugly, frustrated sort when you didn’t know how to fix a bad situation and everything you tried kept failing. The sort when you’re afraid. Almost.

Something like guilt struck Gavin in the gut with a soft oh.

“I’m sorry, detective,” Nines finally said after an obvious moment collecting himself. “I can’t seem to get my visual receptors back online. I can’t pass you that hard drive.”

Because it was buried in his desk somewhere with a dozen others. It’d take time. It’d be awkward, noticeable. People would know he was blind, that his perfect systems hadn’t corrected the issue yet.

Gavin scowled and rubbed blunt nails through his stubble noisily. He felt uncomfortable. He didn’t know how to do this. This comfort thing. And with Nines particularly – the guy made a point of making it look as though he were untouchable. To see him so fazed…

Christ, he just wanted to go back to pelting the asshole with paper again. But seeing the android so affected sucked all the fun out of Gavin’s primary and favorite way of wasting time – bullying. He looked at Nines again. At the way his face remained porcelain and perfect now that he had collected himself, but also at the way his hands trembled.

Gavin sighed.

“How much time left till you do whatever fucked up android shit you do to fix this?”

The firm line of Nines’ mouth twitched.

“Three hours, but that is just an estimate. The code is… unruly.”

“And you’re certain you can fix it. I don’t have to take you to a – fuck, what the fuck do you even call’em? An android doctor?”

Something close to a smile flickered across Nines’ face. He shook his head and the smile was gone.

“No. I can fix it.”

Gavin grunted and stood. He walked around the desk to take RK900 by the elbow and heft him up, trying not to focus too hard on the adorable confused expression on the android’s face – so similar to Connor’s in that moment – that he rarely saw on a unit so clever, so put together. And yet despite all the grief Gavin had given him, RK900 allowed himself to be dragged to his feet at Gavin’s prompting.

“Detective?”

“Come on,” Gavin growled. “You can’t fix shit while you’re also focusing on work. Humans get sick days for a reason—”

“—sick days you refuse to take—“ RK900 pointed out, interrupting him.

“—makes sense that you should too,” Gavin continued, talking a little more loudly over Nines’ jab about his lack of self-preservation.

Gavin let go of him only long enough to grab his work to take home with him and send a quick message to Connor to let the chief know what was happening—that Gavin was getting a migraine and that RK900 was accompanying him home—counting on leniency when it was asked from the face of a man who had literally permanent puppy eyes. Gavin knew he looked like a trash panda by comparison. He knew how to play the game.

Connor gave him a knowing look from across the room. Something too raw, too insightful. Gavin dragged RK900 out of the office before the kid could ask him anything about it.

He guided Nines to the car. He guided him up the stairs when they reached his apartment, through his door, and back to his bedroom. He lowered the lights to even the playing field, and no one mentioned the tenderness of his (if a little clumsy) touches.

“Gavin, this is really unnecessary,” Nines started, but for once he seemed content not to lead.

“Shut up and rest, you fucking plastic prick,” Gavin said, settling in beside Nines on the bed – thigh to thigh – to read beside him. “You’re turning me gray.”

Beside him RK900 chuckled oddly. Gavin glared at him.

“What?” He barked.

“Gray? You’re worried about me?”

“Yeah, well,” Gavin sputtered, cheeks red and painfully grateful Nines couldn’t see it. “You were doing that damn puppy eyes thing Connor does. What the fuck was I supposed to do?”

“He told me you blamed yourself,” Nines said evenly.

Gavin kicked himself for trusting that kid not to blab.

“He lied,” he shot back shortly, the sharpness of his tone cracking as RK900 settled a little more comfortably into the bed and closed his eyes, for the first time seeming to be at peace with his situation. Gavin watched as the LED slowly turned back to yellow, then a flickering yellow/blue – processing. Gavin didn’t want to think about how relieved that made him, how a coil in his gut unwound at the sight. Shit.

“Thank you, Gavin,” RK900 finally said, slow and relaxed and honest.

Gavin just grunted, unfamiliar with honest, earnest gratitude pointed in his direction. Unfamiliar with all this. But… looking at RK900 as he laid beside him, trusted him, he couldn’t help but think he could get used to this.

He cursed himself before the thought could go too far and looked back at his tablet, blushing. What the fuck was happening to him?

He didn’t get much work done.