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my-moony-and-padfoot · 2 years ago

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Never gonna let you go

TW: none, i think (please tell me if you find something i should warn about in any of my fics :)

Word count: 1 800

Remus was sat in the common room, curled up by the fire with a book in his lap. Just enjoying the quietness for once and the freedom of not having to do anything. Like school work, as he had finished everything he had to do. The reason it was so quiet was, most of the people in the common room were studying and if they weren't, they were talking, so quietly he could barely hear them. Another reason it was so quiet was quidditch practice, so there was no one annoying him.

James and Sirius were playing, and Peter had a habit of going to watch their practices. Besides, he had an important task that he had gotten from James, “Look out if Lily comes to see our practices.” She had to be dragged out to watch the games, so why on earth would she come to see their practice? Remus didn't quite understand how James, who really couldn't keep interest in anything apart from quidditch, was so hopelessly in love with Lily for such a long time and still going strong, even though he got rejected every time.

Sirius had been quiet all day, Remus thought no longer reading his book, just staring blankly at the page lost in his thoughts. He had been oddly quiet, and Sirius was never quiet, unless there was something really bothering him. But he also knew that Sirius wouldn't tell him. Unless he really needed to get something off his chest, or it was something making him feel so overwhelmed and anxious that he couldn't do anything but just cry it out while Remus held him. Remus made a mental note to ask Sirius if something was wrong.

He was quickly pulled out of his thoughts as he saw Sirius standing in front of him, how didn't he notice him there? “Stop scaring me like that.” He said, holding his chest playfully, before closing the long forgotten book on his lap.

“Sorry, didn't mean to.” Sirius mumbled, looking down to the floor. Remus took a better look at his boyfriend, he had changed out of his Quidditch Gear to one of Remus' jumpers and some joggers, his hair was tied up in a messy bun, surprisingly not held together by his wand like it usually was. Sirius didn't say anything, just stood there, shifting from one foot to the other, looking rather anxious.

Remus furrowed his brows, starting to get worried. “Don't worry about it.” He smiled, taking Sirius' hands into his and giving them a reassuring squeeze. “Now what's up?” He asked, trying to look Sirius in the eyes, but he just avoided eye contact.

Remus could see how tears started to well up in his eyes, and soon Sirius broke down to sobs. So, Remus pulled him down to sit in his lap, letting Sirius curl up in his lap. “Oh baby.” He whispered softly, wrapping his arms around Sirius. He was a little surprised and definitely worried. Sirius hated crying in public, so this was something that never happened.

“What's the matter, angel?” He asked, glancing around the room, seeing James sitting on the couch next to the armchair, looking as puzzled as he did. Sirius didn't answer, he just shook his head, burying it in the crook of Remus' neck.

“What happened?'' Remus mouthed to James, who shook his head shrugging, looking worriedly at Sirius.

“Baby, you gotta breathe.” He whispered, and Sirius tried, he really tried, but he just couldn't take a deep breath. “Breathe with me, yeah?" He said, taking Sirius' hand and laying it flat on his chest, holding his own hand over it. Remus took some deep breaths, and after a moment, Sirius' breathing started to even out. Although, he was still crying and his tears weren't about to slow down. But at least his breathing was a little better.

He wrapped his arms protectively around Sirius. He kissed Sirius' forehead, gently shushing him. Sirius was hiccuping, still trying to catch his breath, silent tears flowing down from his eyes.

He looked worriedly at James, and Peter, who had appeared next to James, then around the common room, seeing it was mostly empty. Which was better, really, as he knew Sirius wouldn't want anyone to see him like this. The only ones he allowed to see him all vulnerable and hurt were Remus, James, and Peter.

“How about we go up to our dorm?” He asked, Sirius didn't answer, he just pressed himself closer to Remus, if possible. “I'm not going anywhere, I got you. Let's just go up there, yeah? Have some more cuddles, and we can go to sleep soon, sound good?”

Sirius nodded slightly, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his jumper, looking at Remus, who brushed a couple of loose strands of hair to the side, kissing his forehead one more time.

“Wanna get up?” He asked and Sirius shook his head, looking down, and Remus nodded. “I'll carry you then, how about that?'' he asked and Sirius nodded again wrapping his arms around Remus' neck and resting his head on his shoulder.

Remus smiled getting up and as he did so Sirius' legs wrapped around his waist. He walked up to their dorm, sitting down on his bed with Sirius still in his arms.

“Sorry.” Sirius whispered quietly as he lifted his head from Remus' shoulder looking at him, wiping his eyes again.

“Don't be, it's all right, you know I don't mind taking care of you when you're not feeling good.'' He smiled, kissing Sirius tear stained cheeks.

“Wanna tell me what happened, love?” He asked, and Sirius shook his head, tears starting to burn in his eyes again. “Shh, shh angel, don't cry it's okay, we don't have to talk about it, it's all good.” Remus said, cupping Sirius' cheeks and wiping the tears away with his thumbs.

“Are you tired?” He asked and Sirius nodded, looking up at Remus with wide eyes. Remus laid down, and Sirius, curled up to his side, drawing mindless patterns to his chest before falling asleep.

It didn't take long for him to actually fall asleep, and Remus was glad he did, all the crying and emotions must have worn him out. Soon after them, James and Peter came up to their dorm, starting to get ready for bed.

“Did something happen?” Remus asked, looking at James because Sirius had been somewhat fine before practice, just awfully quiet.

James shook his head. “Not that I noticed at least, y'know he doesn't talk. Although, he mumbled something about Regulus after our practice. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it's just- he's not saying anything and y'know how he hates crying in public it's just I don't even know, he just fell asleep.” Remus whispered, while petting Sirius' hair, looking at James, who nodded.

After a while, Remus fell asleep as well, just hoping everything would be okay when Sirius woke up and that he wouldn't have nightmares of whatever was bothering him. Although that was most likely going to happen.

And it did. Remus woke up around midnight to Sirius tossing and turning in his arms. “Hey, hey, shh it's alright, c'mon just open your eyes, yeah?” He whispered, rubbing Sirius' side to wake him up, and soon he fluttered his eyes open looking at Remus with wide watery eyes.

“Oh baby, come here, did you have a bad dream?” He whispered, wrapping his arms better around Sirius and pulling him close to his chest as Sirius started to cry.

He kept whispering sweet things to Sirius and comforting him. He was glad that Sirius hadn't started to panic, like he did most of the time when he woke up from a nightmare.

"What's got you so upset, huh?' Remus whispered as Sirius Tears had turned to just a few hiccups and sniffles, he didn't really expect him to answer, or to hear him. But Sirius did, and he shifted, so his head was resting on a pillow, looking at Remus.

“It's Regulus' birthday today, well, yesterday.'' Sirius said quietly, drawing shapes to Remus' chest as he spoke, focusing on that instead of Remus and his reactions. “I ran into him and a couple of his friends before practice, and I think they were watching, even though they're not allowed.” Sirius explained and Remus caressed his cheek, listening to what was bothering his sweet boy, glad that Sirius was talking.

“But seeing Regulus doesn't usually get you so upset, did something happen, Angel?'' Remus asked, feeling like Sirius wasn't telling him all the truth.

“I saw Bella as well.” He whispered, his voice getting more quiet and timid every time he opened his mouth.

“That's not all, though, is it?” He asked gently, not wanting to push Sirius to talk if he died want to, but after a moment Sirius shook his head, thinking for a good while before answering Remus.

"They said some awful things, rem. I'm used to Bella talking bad about me, but-.'' he mumbled, glancing up at Remus, swallowing past the lump in his throat and fighting back the tears that were about to fall as he thought about his encounter with his little brother and cousin.

“But, it's never Regulus, but today he did, and they were saying things about you, us…” he said and Remus quickly wiped the small tears as they fell down. “I-i couldn't say anything because she put some kind of spell on me that I couldn't talk while they said all those awful things.”

“Oh poor baby.” He whispered, brushing a few loose strands out of Sirius' eyes. “But y'know none of those things are true, whatever they said I'm sure It's not true.”

Sirius nodded slightly, dropping his gaze down from Remus' eyes. “Rem, they're gonna tell my mother.” He whispered and Remus could feel tears starting to burn in the corners of his eyes, this was bad, so bad.

“About?” He asked, probably knowing the answer, but he needed to hear it.

“You and I.”

“It's gonna be alright.” He muttered, more to himself than you, Sirius.

“No, no, it's not gonna be alright.” Sirius said, propping himself up, so he was leaning on his elbow. “She's going to kill me if she finds out, y'know what happened when she got to know I was sorted into Gryffindor instead of Slytherin.”

“Sirius it's going to be alright, we'll find a way, yeah? We always do, we'll figure something out.”

Sirius smiled slightly, wiping the couple tears away from Remus' cheeks, before resting his head back down, and cuddling closer to Remus.

“Please just never let me go.” Sirius murmured, closing his eyes, about to fall back to sleep. Remus felt like his heart was about to burst out of love and adoration for his boy.

“No, baby, never gonna let you go.” He muttered, kissing Sirius forehead, and smiling as he heard Sirius mumble something to his chest in agreement.

#sirius black #remus lupin #marauders #marauders era #remus x sirius #sirius x remus #wolfstar #fluff #remus john lupin #sirius orion black

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shallyne · 2 years ago

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Feyssian Week Day Three - Alternative Universe

Of Knights and Ladies

Third week of Feyssian Week, another mini fic 🥰

TW: emotional abuse, arranged marriage, slight signs of a panic attack

After an exhausting morning Feyre wants to spend time at her favorite spot but she runs into a stranger

Feyre groaned annoyed when she had to pick up her skirts again to climb over a big rock. She hated this stupid dress, she just wanted to get out of it. Her maids came rushing in this morning to dress her and Feyres mood was already ruined when she saw the corset. She asked the maids if they could get her a tunic and pants, but they refused. Feyres Mother refused, telling the maids how they had to dress her. They told her that Feyres mother wanted to see her for a meeting just between Feyre and her parents. She didn't know why she had to wear an uncomfortable dress for that but she had to live with it. If it was an order from her mother the maids wouldn't budge, couldn't.

During their meeting Feyre realized why they wanted to have Feyre all dolled up, to see how presentable she was. How they could present her to men. To wed her. Feyre almost threw up when they told her of their plans. Feyre refused, she yelled at them but they didn't budge. Feyres Mother didn't budge, her father just sat by like the coward he was.

She knew exactly why they wanted to wed her. They wanted to get rid of her, she was only a burden to the family. To their name. All Feyre ever wanted was to paint, all day, and she wanted to explore the world. On her own. Feyre never intended to marry. She saw her parents, and though they loved each other they did not care about anything but money and reputation. They didn't even care about their own children. Feyre was sure they would have traded Feyre for a chicken if it wouldn't make them stand in a bad light. They weren't even in need of chickens.

Feyre let out of string of curses when her dress got stuck in a bush and ripped. She grunted annoyed. Whatever. She didn't like that dress anyways.

"Ouch!" she murmured when her hair got stuck on a low hanging branch. This was definitely not her day, and it's not even 11am. With her mood getting worse every minute she climbed the little hill, she made her way up. Sweating, she brushed the hair out of her face that fell out of the braided coronet her maids braided earlier. She also hated that. Why couldn't she just let her hair in a usual braid, or at least open. No, her mother didn't want that and so everyone had to jump.

A sigh escaped her lips when she could glimpse her destination behind the trees. Finally. It usually wasn't a long walk but it felt like an eternity today.

Careful not to hurt herself with her fine slippers, she rushed to the tiny lake. It really was tiny and she was glad because that meant nobody was interested in it. Nobody really knew about it. So over the years it became Feyres safe space.

Because no one ever visited this place, Feyre didn't look around to find anyone. She just rushed but she collided with something and fell to the ground. Grunting she looked up to see what she ran into. She quickly realized that she didn't run into something but someone as worried eyes looked down at her. Although Feyre realized the armor first, silver and impeccably polished. A knight. She ran into a knight.

"I am so sorry." Feyre said breathlessly "I didn't mean to run into you."

Worry still danced in the strangers hazel eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked. Feyre almost laughed out loud at that, she was everything but okay. That wasn't what the stranger meant though and Feyre nodded. He stretched out his hand, a offer to help her up. Feyre accepted his offer gratefully and took his hand. He helped her up. Now Feyre fully looked at him. The stranger had tan skin, golden brown. He had dark brown hair that reached his shoulders and in his hazel eyes twinkled some emotion that Feyre couldn't place.

Feyre suddenly realized that she still held his hand and quickly pulled back, a blush creeping on her cheeks.

"Are you okay?" Feyre echoed his question. She was surprised that he didn't rip her a new one for this kind of recklessness.

He chuckled "Yes, I am fine." and looked her up and down, his eyes stopping at the ripped part of her dress. "What are you doing alone in a forest at this time?"

Feyre winced. Alone. She was a alone with a strange man in a forest. No one else near. She took a step back. "I am not alone." she lied. "I rushed forward, my companions will arrive soon."

The stranger before her went stiff, realization sparked in his eyes. What he just said. He also took a step back, giving Feyre her space. "Apologies." he said, lifting his hands to show her he didn't mean any arm. "I didn't mean to..."

Feyre didn't hear the end of the sentence, her eyes landed on the emblem of the strangers armor. The royal emblem.

"You're-" she stumbled over her words, rooted to the spot. "You're a knight. You're-You are a knight for the royal family." Feyre swallowed. It wasn't bad, not at all. Just the best and most honorable warriors were chosen to be knights for the royal family. No, it wasn't bad that he was a knight but what did he do here? In a forest on her familys lands? It wasn't near the royals palace.

Honestly, her familys lands weren't far from the royals lands, Velaris, in a carriage but it wasn't a short travel either. Especially not on foot. Feyre couldn't see a horse near, the knight had to come here on foot.

The knight laughed nervously. "I am. Please don't bow."

Feyre echoed his laugh. "How may I call you?"

"Cassian." he said. His eyes went soft. "How may I call you, mylady?"

Feyre had to suppress an eyeroll at the formality, but she still smiled. "You may call me Feyre."

He smiled brightly. "No title? No surname?"

"It's not important. Just Feyre, mylord." Feyre said, grinning at the knight standing before her. He chuckled. "Then please call me Cassian."

"Okay, Cassian." Feyre said. "What are you doing here? So far from the castle." she took a step towards him again and Feyre could have sworn she saw relieve in his eyes. If it was because of the step or because she didn't call him a lord, she didn't know.

He was quiet for a moment before he a answered "I often get stationed in this region for royal business." Feyre nodded. Of course, that's why he was quiet before answering, he had to think about what he could reveal. "You can imagine that in a room full of Lords and warriors arguments can get heated." Cassian continued. "A few years ago I looked for a place to clear my head after one of these meetings and I found this place. It's perfect."

"It is perfect." Feyre agreed. "You're coming here for years?"

"When I am in the region. Yes." Cassian confirmed.

Feyre wanted to reply but the bells began ringing, announcing the next hour. She looked back at Cassian who looked sadly at her. "I probably should leave, I have meetings to attend."

Feyre nodded. "Do you want me to accompany you home?" Cassian asked.

"No." Feyre shook her head. "Its-it's not far. I'll be safe."

He looked her in the eyes, making sure she didn't need help, then he smiled. "Goodbye, Feyre." Cassian said quietly, kissing the back of her hand.

"Goodbye, Cassian." she replied, blushing. Watching the man turning his back to her and leave. Feyre didn't want to leave, something in her couldn't leave Cassian.

"Cassian!" she called after him. He turned around, looking expectantly at her. "Can I meet you again?"

He sighed, dragging a hand through his hair. "I am leaving tomorrow." he said. For some reason Feyres heart sank at his words but he continued to talk. "After noon. We can meet at this hour tomorrow, if you are available."

Feyre smiled at him. "I'd like that very much."

Cassian grinned and nodded. "Then I'll see you tomorrow."

Feyre nodded eagerly. Cassian threw one last look over his shoulder, a hand on the pommel of his sword.

His sword. Feyre didn't even realize that he had a sword. Obviously he had one. He was a knight, of course he was carrying a sword. Feyre wished she had a sword but her parents forbid her to carry any form of weapon. Of course Feyre didn't listen, she had a dagger hidden in her room that she usually hid in her boots. Watching the guards outside their manor train, Feyre tried to repeat their exercises in her room, late at night. She was far from perfect but it was better than being completely defenseless.

Thinking about her parents again, Feyres mood drastically sank. Although on her way back home she felt lighter than she had in a long while. She barely talked to outside people, mostly guards and maids or seldom guests.

When she entered her room, Alis frowned at her ripped dress. A tunic and pants already laying ready for Feyre on her bed. She gave Alis a grateful nod and changed into her favorite clothes.

Alis pointed to a chair in front of the dressing table and Feyre sat down. Alis fished out the hairpins out of Feyres hair and then brushed it. Then she braided it into an easy, normal braid.

Feyre quickly left her room again, climbing the stairs of the tower where she spent most of her time. From the window she perfectly could watch the training rings.

While watching them and remembering their exercises her mind went to her parents and that they wanted to wed Feyre to some stranger. Then it went to Cassian. A smile formed on Feyres lips.

The next morning she woke up early and slipped into her usual clothing, before maids could come and put her in a dress again.

She wouldn't go into the forest without her dagger again. If she ran into Cassian, who knows who else she could run into. Feyre quickly grabbed an apple from the kitchen and made her way to the lake, careful that no one saw her. That no one would keep her from sneaking out.

Even if it was still too early she hurried to her favorite space, climbing over big stones, this time way easier than the day before. Feyre honestly didn't even have anything against dresses, she just hated being pressed into dresses when she doesn't want to. She wants to decide for her own what she is wearing and when. What she is doing, when and with whom.

Feyre leaned against a tree, eating her apple, waiting for Cassian to arrive. Sure enough Feyre glimpses his dark hair and a moment later he's standing before her. Even earlier than they agreed to meet.

He didn't wear the armor from the day before. He was dressed in all black. His black button up accentuating the muscles that Feyre couldn't see under the armor. The top buttons where open, showing black swirls on his chest. He was carrying his sword on his side.

Feyre didn't know what was coming over her but she hugged him as a greeting. She probably deserved to die just for touching a knight from the royal family but Cassian pressed her tighter to him. "I hope you're not coming this close to kill me?"

"What?" Feyre asked, irritated. She looked up to see his face, a smirk formed on Cassians face as he pointed to her boots.

Feyre huffed a laugh, parting from the hug. "No, of course not. I always take my dagger with me."

"Except yesterday." Cassian said. He crossed his arms over his chest. Gods, the armor really did hide his muscles yesterday. Feyre didn't know why she was surprised. Cassian was a knight, of course he was muscular, but THAT muscular? Feyre shook the thought out of her head.

"Except yesterday." she agreed. Sighing when she remembered what her parents told her. "I was in a rush."

Cassian slightly tilted his head, watching Feyre. "Why?"

Feyre looked to the ground. She shouldn't tell him, it's none of his business. For some reason she couldn't keep her mouth shut though, so she kicked a stone away and told him. About her parents and their plans for Feyre. That Feyre did definitely not agree with them but there wasn't anything she could do. They had power over her. She told him that she'd rather paint and explore their world and how her mother hated her for it. For wanting freedom.

Cassian watched her, listened. When she was done he opened his mouth to reply something but she didn't want to talk about it, think about it. She wanted to enjoy her freedom as long as possible. So she asked Cassian "How long did you train?"

He looked confused so Feyre added "To become a knight."

He still looked confused but he looked down at his sword and answered "Since I was a boy. 8 years old."

Feyre was surprised. She knew that it was a long way of training and that you had to start young but she didn't know that it was this young. He was a child when he started. "Do you like it?" Feyre found herself asking.

"It is an honor to be a knight." Cassian answered.

Feyres eyes wandered back to Cassians sword. "Can I see it?" when he raised an eyebrow she said "I won't touch it."

Cassian smiled and unsheathed his sword, showing Feyre. She gasped when she saw it, it was beautiful. She never saw a sword so beautiful in her manor. Not on any of the guards. Her fingers twitched to touch it. As if Cassian could read her thoughts he asked "Do you want to hold it?"

"Am I allowed to?" Feyre asked.

"Of course." Cassian answered, handing her his sword. Feyre took it carefully, marveling at the sword. When she looked up at Cassian he smirked. "What?" Feyre asked.

"You never held a sword, did you?" he asked. Although he smirked, his eyes were soft.

Feyre huffed, a blush creeping on her face. "No." she admitted quietly.

"May I?" he asked. Feyre nodded shyly.

Cassian went to stand behind Feyre, gently taking her hand. He corrected how she held the sword until he withdrew his hands. "That's how you correctly hold a sword." He whispered in her ear. The hairs on her arms rose at the closeness. She turned her head to look into Cassians eyes, so close that she could feel his breath on her skin. He stepped back before Feyre could do something stupid. Before she could close the distance.

Cassian continued to show her the right stance and how she could handle her dagger in an emergency. Then he showed her how to throw a punch correctly. Feyre had so much fun in this short time that she never wanted it to end, she wanted to learn. She wanted to learn how to fight. She wanted to be close to Cassian. The church bells ruined her thoughts, announcing noon.

They looked at each other, the sadness in Cassians eyes probably mirrored in her own.

"I have something for you." Cassian said, handing her a small note. It was a address. His address, Feyre realized when she saw the address. What address it was.

"I will be gone for a while but I wanted you to be able to contact me, if you want that. You can always write to me when you feel lonely, when you just need to talk." he promised. "You can write to me as much as you want."

"Really?"

Cassian nodded, opening his arms to invite Feyre into a hug. She gladly accepted and hugged him. "It's not the last time we met." he vowed. Feyre prayed that he spoke the truth. It was just two days but it felt like she already knew Cassian. He pressed a kiss on the top of her head.

Feyre watched Cassian as he left. He looked back at her a few times, waving. Feyre continued to watch until she couldn't make out his form anymore.

Sighing she went back home, her mother already waiting and ready to scold her. She asked Feyre where she was, Feyre told her she went on a walk. Technically, it wasn't even a lie.

It wasn't long until Feyre wrote a letter. She missed Cassian already and she needed something to do instead of strangling her mother. The next day she squished her letter in between all the other letters that needed to be sent. Her letter didn't even stand out, because there were two letters in the stack already addressed to the the royal palace in Velaris.

Feyre was surprised when Alis gave her a letter a few days later. She promised Feyre that she wouldn't tell her parents, Feyre thanked her. Later in bed she read Cassians response.

They continued to sent a few letters to each other until one night Feyre sat in bed, reading Cassians latest response, when Alis entered her room. Hastily.

"Your mother wants to talk to you." Alis said. "Immediately." she had this pitying look that told Feyre that it wasn't good. Did her mother find the letters?

When Feyre went to grab pants Alis grabbed her arm and pushed her out of the room. "There's no time for that."

"No time to put on clothes?" Feyre asked, walking through the floors in nothing but a nightgown. "Did someone die?"

"Of course not." Alis said. "You don't even have to ask more questions, I know as much as you."

Feyre nodded. What could be so important that they couldn't wait until morning? Or at least until Feyre put on some decent clothes. If it was something about their lands then the corridors would be swarmed with guards and Feyre doubted her parents would include her in that kind of meeting. It had to be something about Feyre personally. Her heart sunk when the only thing she could come up with were the letters between Cassian and Feyre. She wouldn't stop writing him, over her dead body. They couldn't forbid her the only thing that made Feyre happy these days.

Alis opened the doors to her father's study and ushered her in. She didn't came in with Feyre. Of course she wouldn't, her parents didn't allow it.

Feyres father sat in his chair on his desk, her mother stood behind him. Back straight head held high.

"What's going on?" Feyre asked.

Her father pointed to the chair in front of his desk. "Sit down, Feyre."

Feyre had to throw up. She didn't know what was coming right now but she knew that it was bad. That she didn't want to know.

"You remember our conversation about marriage?" her father asked.

"When you told me that you want to sell me like some animal?" Feyre scoffed. "I remember."

"Careful." her mother warned. Feyre rolled her eyes "Why are you asking, father?" Feyre spat out the last word. Spineless fool.

"We found a suitor for you." her mother took over the conversation. "We will announce your engagement on Saturday." when Feyre shook her head, her mother raised her voice. "You will attend and you will be on your best behavior. Invitations are already sent out."

"That sounds like a YOU problem." Feyre seethed.

"Feyre-" her father said.

"No." she said, leaning back. Feyre crossed her arms. "I won't marry a stranger."

"You don't have a say in this, Feyre." Her mother said, her voice cool. "One way or another, if I have to drag you to the altar. You will marry this man."

"Who?" Feyre said.

"Sir Tamlin." her father answered. "He has lands in the south."

Feyre went stiff. Tamlin. She heard of this man and there was no way in hell that she would marry this man. They didn't find a suitor, they found Feyres personal hell. They made a terrible situation worse and her mother knew it. That witch knew. She didn't smile, she didn't show any emotion, but Feyre could see the smug glint in her eyes.

"That's all." Feyres mother said. "Alis!"

Alis rushed into the room, taking Feyres arm and pulling her out of the room. Feyre let her do it, but not without turning around in the threshold. "Burn in hell." Feyre spat. "Both of you."

Then she stormed into her room as fast as possible. She didn't want anyone to see her cry, but she couldn't hold it back. Feyre curled up in her bed and let her tears fall.

Feyre couldn't even think about answering Cassians last letter. Her days from that evening on were packed, always a maid by her side. Taking measurements, showing her the ballroom where the engagement party will be, taking more measurements and trying on clothes, asking for her opinions on decorations.

She knew her mother did it to anger her, showing Feyre that she had the upper hand. Feyre told them to fuck off and leave her alone, but they came back over and over again.

Everyday she felt more empty. She couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down when she did.

Way too soon Saturday arrived. A look in the mirror told Feyre that she looked exactly how she felt. Alis came into her room with a green dress. Feyre hated it. She hated the color, the silk, the corset. She hated everything. She kept quiet, though. She hadn't said anything since that evening except telling maids to leave her alone, even if Alis had tried talking to her. She didn't talk today either. Not when Alis almost crushed her ribs with that damned corset, not when another maid did her hair and put on makeup.

She didn't say anything when they led her to the ballroom. She did not have to say anything to any guests, they just talked to her parents. Of course they did, it wasn't Feyres choice. It was theirs.

One of the stationed guards just led her to a stage, as if she was to be executioned. It didn't matter, her life ended now either way. Everything Feyre would be soon was a wife just there for childbearing.

As she stood on that damned stage, she looked around the room. Her mother really invited everyone.

Feyre had to supress a gag when she spotted Tamlins blonde hair. She continued to look around. Her heart stopped when she spotted a specific table. To her surprise it wasn't the sight of the King but the sight of Cassian that made her stop. He was already watching her when their eyes met.

Feyre had to look away before the tears in her eyes spilled. She wouldn't cry in front of hundreds of people. It was hard, because she could feel her heart shattering into a million pieces. Why would her mother invite them?

Feyre couldn't breathe. Someone had to take her out of this stupid dress. She couldn't run away because her mother just entered the stage, clapping to get everyones attention. Almost everyone's, because she could feel Cassians eyes still on her.

"First I want to thank you all for coming today." Feyres Mother began her speech. "We are all here today to celebrate the engagement of my da-" the scraping of a chair interrupted her mother. The rattling of a chair falling over.

Feyres eyes snapped to Cassian, who stood at his table, breathing heavily. "Wed her to me."

"What?" Feyre asked at the same time as her mother and Tamlin. Tamlins face promised violence as her mother looked pale, probably because it was the Kings knight who interrupted her speech.

"Wed her to me." Cassian repeated, meeting Feyres eyes. Then he looked at Feyres Mother, the softness gone with what he looked at Feyre. "What-" he cleared his throat. "What is your price?"

"No!" Tamlin yelled.

The King stood up. "That wasn't a question."

Cassian looked surprised, so did everyone in the room when he talked. The King, Rhysand was his name, came up to the stage, followed by two woman. One was blonde, wearing a revealing red dress that Feyres Mother probably hated. She was stunning. So was the short one with dark hair. She was wearing a grey two piece set. When they passed Feyre, the corner of the Kings mouth tugged up and they blonde woman threw her a sympathetic smile.

Closely following these three was Tamlin. His face white with rage.

Cassian rushed to the stage, reaching his hands towards Feyre. A man with the same hazel eyes as him and short black hair echoed his movement. They helped Feyre down from the stage, Cassian instantly putting a protecting arm around her waist. They looked at the stage, where the King, Tamlin, Feyres parents and the two woman were now talking. It looked like Tamlin was saying something angrily but Rhysand just patted his shoulders and said something to Feyres parents, followed by the short woman. Feyres mother shook her head but her father put a hand her mother's arm and murmured something. Feyres mother looked at her then at Cassian, then at Tamlin to Rhysand and finally to Feyres father.

She sighed and nodded. Tamlin threw his arms in the air, angrily.

The blonde said something and turned on her heel, coming towards Feyre. Rhysand shook hands with Feyres parents and he followed Mor together with the short woman.

Mor stopped in front of Feyre and grinned at her. "Welcome to the family, Feyre."

Feyre looked at everyone, not believing it. Finally she looked at Cassian who smiled at her. "Really?" Feyre asked.

"Really." said Rhysand.

Feyre laughed and threw her arms around Cassian, then Rhysand. When she realized that she threw herself at the King, she apologized. He just chuckled. Then Mor threw her arms around Feyre.

Feyre let herself fall on the ground breathlessly. A chuckle sounded behind her. "If she keeps up she can kick your ass in a few weeks."

Feyre echoed Mors laugh.

"I know." Cassian said proudly. "Lucky that she has the greatest teacher."

That earned a groan from Mor.

Cassian sat beside Feyre and helped her into a sitting position, giving her a glass of water. She took it, a spark rushing through her when their fingers touched. Feyres eyes wandered to the silver wedding band on Cassians finger, the twin, thinner one on her own finger.

She smiled at Cassian, feeling content and happy with her life, her husband. Her new family.

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aahsokaatano · 3 years ago

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I think everyone around my age (born between like 1994 and 1999) has a sort of.... bond isn't the right word really, but I can't think of anything better. An unspoken shared agreement? A collective awareness?

(I'm sure it's not just the people in that specified age range but that's the group I've noticed it in bc those are my peers)

That's the group that's just a little bit traumatized by online messaging

Let me explain (tw for discussions of suicide/suicidal thoughts - not me! Mutuals do not fret, i am okay)

When i was 17, my friend killed herself. We weren't particularly close - we only knew each other through orchestra. We both played the cello, and i was the section lead, so it was my job to know the others. She was nice. Quiet. Funny once you talked to her a bit.

One morning at school before the first bell, a mutual friend messaged me on tumblr and told me that our friend had died the night before

School let out early that day for unreleated reasons. I went home and took a nap before going to my after school job at a bookstore. My boss asked why I hadn't come in earlier, he knew school had let out several hours before. I told him my friend had died.

His wife started going on about how the internet was killing kids and making them too attention-seeking and I slunk off to shelve books with tears in my eyes.

Another story

My old blog wasn't like, super popular or anything, but I had a pretty decent amount of followers and sometimes people would message me out of the blue. If they were sad, I would tell a funny story or write a little fluffy drabble to make them smile, just like I would for any friend. But one time I started talking to this girl who admitted that I had kept her from committing suicide a few times. That I had saved her life.

It was terrifying

I didn't want that power. I didn't want that responsibility. We became friends, but every single time she messaged me, I was almost physically sick - what if I wasn't enough this time? What if I didn't see her message fast enough? What if I hurt her on accident?

What if it was my fault?

We fell out of touch a long time ago. I don't know what happened to her. I still think about her sometimes, and I almost dread getting an answer. I don't remember her username, but fuck, I remember the cold clench of fear in my gut every time I got a message from her.

A third story

There was a person who made a tumblr account specifically to talk to me, because we had been chatting in the comment section of one of my fics on AO3 and that was clunky and annoying, so they made a tumblr. They were funny and nice and had a habit of sending about 16 messages at a time rather than one long message and it almost gave me a panic attack. Because my brain said "that person needed you and you WERENT THERE and they sent you SO MANY MESSAGES and you never replied" and this person wasn't even suicidal, they just had a lot to say, but the guilt crushed me and anxiety froze me and I could only respond when they were actively online so I wouldn't have to see the message counter tick up.

I lost contact with them after i accidentally deleted my old blog, and a tiny part of me was relieved and a bigger part was guilty because of that relief and I still don't know how I feel about it

One last story

About a week ago, a friend DM'd me on discord with a vague message and an attached file that was named "letter of intent" and I almost had a panic attack on the spot

I have never in my life turned on my computer so fast, because my phone wouldn't support the file type, and i didn't breathe for several minutes until i realized it was just a letter listing out their goals for the year and that they sent it to me to keep themself on track

But god, the fear that tore through me before i knew what was going on - the horrifying certainty that i was going to read a plan of action or a goodbye note - I didn't sleep that night. Even after I knew what was going on. Rational thought doesn't disperse fear that easily.

(Friend, if you're reading this, I DO NOT BLAME YOU. You don't need to apologize. I'm okay, we're okay, and it's all gucci 💛)

So, what's my point here?

My point is that I'm not the only person with stories like this. Where someone sees a message notification and assumes the worst. I know a frankly heartbreaking amount of people just in my own circles with similar stories, and my circles aren't that big. I know that a lot of people probably know the exact feeling I'm talking about.

I think that's why, consciously or not, a lot of my friends start their messages with "hey!" or "quick question" or just "omg so". A little reassurance. A little gentleness. "This isn't a bad thing - or, if it is, it's not that bad thing."

Because... we've seen it before. And it scares us. And we don't want to scare others like that.

Idk. There's not a really a point to this. It's just been swirling around my head for a few days and needed to be put down in words.

#max is talking #suicide tw #death mention #anxiety

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dumbass-mha-simp · 4 years ago

Text

Hawks x Reader: Bad Idea

Another self indulgent Hawks fic that I've literally had in my notes for months. He lives in my head rent free along with my other 22 fake boyfriend's because I'm ✨mentally unstable.✨ It is a song fic tho, Bad Idea ft. Shiloh Dynasty https://youtu.be/kH9hJnT7KkE

youtube

Tw: food, depression, Hawks is honestly just feeling it bro- same dude,

Word count: almost 2k? I think

Requests are open! Honestly I'm probably terrible but the only things I can think to write are those imaginary situations I put myself in

(Y/L/N)- your last name

(Y/N)- your name

Thoughts or emphasized talk are in italics

Also idk why but I imagine he removes his feathers to shower since they probably need different cleaning conditions and also they just seem like a hassle in showers.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Here he was, the number two prohero. Everyone assumed his life was perfect, anything he wanted served on a gold platter. He felt the guilt creep up into him.

I should be thankful. The thoughts ate away at his mind in the rare seconds he got alone. You shouldn't be so selfish. So annoying. So insufferable.

Takami pushed these thoughts back. "No one needs to know how you think, Keigo." He whispers out to himself in his office.

He scrawled at paper work, trying to not let the self depreciating thoughts feast away on his mind. Unfortunately for him, different thoughts came up.

His best friend, Rumi had this friend. (Y/L/N). Smart, attractive, sometimes a little rough around the edges, but amazing. He found his mind wandering to them all too often.

They were mostly unknown, despite their insanely strong quirk. They preferred to stay out of the lime-light, through that irritable exterior sat overwhelming anxiety and shyness. But they always denied it.

He stopped himself as he realized he's spent 10 minutes only thinking of them, a friend. Yeah right.

He lazily walked out of the office waving to all his employees as he made his way outside. His eyes slowly dragged to the darkly faded blue sky, dusted in clouds. Cold, tired, aching. Just how he felt.

He took a slow brisk flight to his house, feeling the wind bash his face and the air flow through his feathers. He gently placed a foot on the metal railing of his balcony, taking a deep step to the ground and opening the door.

The emptiness rung through his apartment like a blaring siren. You have everything. How can you still want more?

The voices in his head screamed and clawed their way out. You're nobody. No one ever loved you. You're so alone. You're nothing but a tool to the commission. You're actual character is useless.

He shed his coat, boots, and pants. Looking to himself in the mirror as he removed most of his feathers. He looked exhausted as he stumbled into the shower, numbly.

The next ten minutes seemed to elude him when he wondered how much time has gone by of him staring at the shower wall blankly.

He dried off a bit then looked around his kitchen for something to eat. Have I eaten today? The buzz and light of his phone on the counter startled him.

"Hey, Hawks." A single, simple message from (Y/L/N). Okay don't panic.

"What's up?" He replied swiftly.

"I had this feeling something was wrong and wanted to check up on you."

"Why would you think that?" He tried to play it off like it wasn't true without actually lying.

"I'm not sure. Do you maybe wanna join me?" You asked.

"Where?"

"Well, every once in awhile when I need a break I go and stargaze with a night picnic. It helps me relax, and if you think it might help I'd want to. I can tell something's off." You were always so convincing. It felt like you weren't too nosy or snoopy but you understood.

"Text me where to be and when?" He let out a gentle smile at his phone.

"The dollar store on 4th in 10 minutes? So we can choose some snacks together?"

"I'll be there."

Did Takami think any problems where going to be solved with some food in the dark? No. But would he skip the opportunity to be with you, to find out how he really felt when it was just you two? Absolutely not.

He landed down on the broken pavement outside of the old dollar store, scanning around to see you.

"Boo!" A bump from behind had him flinching to see the sound as you stood behind him giggling. "Got ya."

"Very funny (Y/L/N) the most amazing trick yet." He rolled his eyes with a slight smile.

"C'mon let's go grab a bunch of terrible snacks and call it a picnic, bird brain."

You two walked into the store and walked a large circle around it, choosing chips and candy and drinks at your leisure. Once you got to the counter, he fights you to his wallet.

"It's my picnic."

"And I'm the very special guest who was so generously invited. I'm paying." He grins as you pout at him.

Grabbing the bags you placed them in the back seat as you offered passenger side to him.

"I don't like cars."

"Why not?"

"Cramps my wings."

You look at him with the biggest puppy eyes you can manage. "You already agreed to keep me company and pay for the snacks, let me do something for you?"

"Fine, but only cause you're pouting kid."

He gently sits in your passenger seat as you strap yourself in and turn the car on. The car hums and the music playing softly on the radio are the only things heard. The peace feeling too good to break.

Once you pull your car up into the parking lot of a small park and grab your bags, you begin leading him to your usual place.

"Hold these." You hand him the bags as you jump and climb up on top of a big metal container. You peer over the side with big eyes and a smile as you say to him, "now hand me the bags and do what I did!"

He looks at you with a wide smirk before simply flying up to join you. "Or you can do it the cheater's way." You pouted and bumped his shoulder.

"It's not cheating, it's using my resources." He says with a triumphant smirk.

"Your cheating resources." You pull out your gummy candies and started eating as you leaned back till you were laying down.

"Do you like the stars, Hawks?" You say like your sleep talking, staring into the night sky.

"Keigo." He shifts to lay down about a foot away from you. "You can call me, Keigo. And... I don't think I've ever taken time to look at the stars."

"No sneaking out away from parents to sit on vans and stargaze? Or watching the sunrise with a partner while eating fast food?"

"What kinda date is sitting in a car for hours staring at the sky and eating?" He laughs.

"Ah one that never really happened, he just said he would. But never mind that repressed shit." A sad laugh forces itself out as you stare between the stars.

"Was he cute?" He tried to sound funny but it came out more sympathetic.

"Sometimes," you laugh with him. "But he had really nice hands."

"Hands? That's an odd thing to find attractive." He turned his head over to look at you as your eyes seemed to burn holes in the dark milky blue sky.

He continued laughing with you about this guy but couldn't help an overwhelming feeling of jealousy. Who was he? Did he look anything like him? Was this recent?

"Keigo?" A voice snapped at his train or thought, "Yes, (Y/L/N)?" He replied rushed.

"Do you want your mini cookies?" You ask looking to him with the bag.

"Oh, yeah. Thanks." He mentions grabbing the bag from your finger tips.

He ate his cookies and thought as you seemed either lost in your head, or lost in the stars.

Loving you would be selfish. As such a high ranking hero, he's made a target for himself and anyone around him. He's broken down, can't feel. You obviously have other people on your mind. Someone like you wouldn't be single long.

"When did he leave?" He blurts out without thinking. Maybe it's a sore subject-

"Long ago." You look lost, your eyes searching and wandering but never grabbing hold of exactly where you should be. "Why?" Well I guess if I'm gonna start prying might as well go all the way.

"He thought that maybe he could love me. But now that's just ridiculous," you laugh coldly. "Who would love me?"

"Falling in love with you seems like a really bad idea. But not on your part." He whispers into the wind, hoping it'll carry his words away from you.

"What do you mean?" You look completely confused, almost scattered.

"You're quiet, and I'm someone who puts a spotlight on practically anyone around me. You'd constantly be put in danger. Plus I'm arrogant and cocky, nothing at all like you." He acted like he could see the stars as you could. He stared into them finding any way he could to avoid your eyes.

"You could get hurt or I could annoy you." He whispers.

"I had no idea you felt that way, Keigo." You whisper back, shock keeping your voice quiet.

His eyes burned holes into the night sky, he felt he shouldn't look at you. The mental image of you already wouldn't go away.

"You wanna know something, Keigo? I can read people like books, I can read stars like stories, and I can read in-between lines like they were in bold font. But, you always catch me off guard. Reading you is like a mystery novel. Sometimes intense, sometimes peaceful, but always keeping me wondering." You smile into the stars, you can tell he desperately doesn't want to see your eyes. "You're always leaving everyone on the edge of their seat, and when you leave you can't stop thinking of the next time you'll come. What you'll bring."

"I....I don't think I understand (Y/L/N)-" Keigo's soon cut off.

"(Y/N)"

"Well, (Y/N)- I don't think I understand." He tries to sit up and look at you.

"You catch me off guard, something about you speaks to me in ways I know you never actually would. I can see it, the way you stumble or hesitate. I can tell somethings scared you into silence." You've never had much chance to talk about the ways you analyze people, you wanted to tell him how you could tell the way he acted wasn't always good.

"I think you might be reading too much into this, kid." He tries to intervene.

"I get if you don't want to tell me." You stared up at the stars, waiting for him to do the same. "You see there?" You pointed to a star. "That's a constellation."

"They just look like stars." He seemed a bit disappointed that he couldn't see stars the way you did, with such knowledge and wonder in your eyes.

"That's cause they are," you giggled to him, "it's not like I can actually see the pictures either."

"You.. you can't?" He looked to you confused but slightly hopeful, how could they look at them but not see too?

"That's the whole point, Keigo. It's being able to see what's not really there. Sometimes I stare into the sky hoping to see any semblance of hope, but that's not how it is. You have to teach yourself to look at what could be there." He stared to you, a small content smile graced your face. You were beautiful.

"(Y/N)?"

"Yes?"

"Maybe, loving you isn't such a bad idea.." he looked remorseful, staring into the stars. Maybe he could see it too one day.

"What do you mean?" You glace to him.

"You see so much, you can read and see the things I want to see. I want to learn, (Y/N). I want to see how you do."

The smile on your face spread.

"I'd love to show you."

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