#it will be a party filled with self isolation

[s1m0nth3swag]

Could you write “How would Viktor does when reader has depression”.

Of course! Thanks for the ask pookie :)

These r a little short because I am still ill (and my head is literally killing me as I type this) but Viktor is more important than getting well!! (Also bawling my eyes out after act 3, even though I'd still love Viktor nonetheless, machine or not, he's getting it)

WARNINGS/ CONTENT INFO: Mentions of Depression (obviously), GN!Reader, sweet Fluff, Viktor has no clue what he's doing in all honesty, he tries (and succeeds) to be sweet

2 Stories - One more casual/not yet dating and the other is established relationship

You've been off lately, Viktor had noticed. Isolating yourself bit by bit, looking more tired and overall acting just weird. You've had your phases before, but this one was too long. It wasn't like you at all. You've barely even spoken to him or Jayce, when usually you'd yap both their ears off about whatever topic you had learned about the previous night. Now, the lab was silent. Jayce was away on some Council party, and god knows Viktor would never start a conversation on his own while working. Though, he couldn't focus tonight. He mindlessly tinkered with small parts that laid around his desk, his thoughts clouded with the question of what was bothering you. Whatever it was, it bothered him as well. He'd never say, but he missed the cheery and chipper way you'd usually be.

"Are you... alright?" He questions after a while, clearing his throat slightly. This was already too awkward for him, but he did care. Totally just because the atmosphere of the lab would suffer if you weren't your usual self. He noticed the way you shifted uncomfortably as he glanced over to where you were sitting, like you were pondering how to answer. He wondered why you'd need so long to think of an answer, as if you couldn't tell him the truth. "I'm fine. Just a little tired, I just haven't been sleeping well." You answer, a soft, akward chuckle slipping from your lips. Viktor doesn't like that answer. You're different from how you are when you're just tired - not that he actually paid attention to that, but you weren't on your fifth cup of coffee yet. Actually, you hadn't had coffee at all today, another unusual happening. He sighs softly, and you immediatly know that he's gotten into questioning mode - he was a scientist after all. He really couldn't help it. "You can talk to me, you know? We don't have to be lab partners and nothing else, we can be friends." He speaks, his voice softer than before. "What's bothering you, hm?" Viktor adds, turning his chair around to look at you properly. It's your turn to sigh, letting your head hang slightly. "I've just been... feeling off. Like, actually tired but in a mental way? I don't know how to explain." You mutter, awkwardly averting your gaze from him. "We should take a day off, then. Do whatever you want instead of working." Viktor answers casually. "I don't want to miss important stuff in the lab Viktor, I can't take a day off." You throw back at him. He huffs, a slight chuckle filling the room. "Not you. Us. Maybe all three, if Jayce is willing." He clarifies, already noting it down in his notebook to make sure that day off actually happens.

Viktor noticed the moment he woke up next to you. You'd fallen into another slump. He could tell just by the way you didn't just not want to get up - it was a physical challenge for you. He's seen you like this before, though usually it didn't last too long, at least not that he's noticed, maybe only a day or two at most. But by now, it's been almost a week, and you haven't spoken to him about it. You've been more abrasive, have started caring less about your personal hygiene, and while Viktor doesn't mind, he always hated when you didn't take proper care of yourself. He wanted you to feel good, not fall into a depressive hole. He offered to take a shower or bath with you, to make a game out of brushing your teeth, but you had shut everything down. It wasn't because you didn't think the ideas were sweet, but more because you didn't think you even deserved that much effort. Viktor had to helplessly watch you get worse, and he couldn't even do anything to properly help. It was absolute hell to him.

He'd had enough, wanted to be mad at you, even, but he couldn't blame you for it. He could, however, force you to stay cuddled up in bed with him. You liked staying in bed anyway, and cuddling with him was always one of your favourites. So, here you two were, snuggled into the covers of Viktors way too confortable bed. "You know that I love you, right?" Viktor mumbled, his accent more heavy with sleep. He didn't say it enough, at least that's what he thought. "I do know..." you answered, just as sleepily. "I know you can't control this.. but let me help you, please? I know it's hard, trust me I do, but I hate having to watch from the sidelines as you get worse..." He sighs, pressing a kiss against your forehead. "Let me just be there for you, yeah, my dear?" Viktor adds, pulling away slightly to look at you. "Alright.. I'll... I'll try, I promise." You answer, scooting back towards him so you could press your face into the crook of his neck, basking in his warmth for a little longer.

[vacayisland]

hiya!! can i req a short of king trollex getting injured while in barb's captivity? hurt or hurt/comfort, thanks for considering!

@!; Isolation for the soul (this isn't what I wanted) Trollex / Reader

"Summary"! Have you ever had to sit in a deafening silence? The torturing type of silence. All you ever wanted was some sort of peace, a moment of silence away from the noise. You never thought your wish would be answered in the cruelest way. "Tags"! Hurt / Comfort (a little lest comfort), y'all got the better version of the two stories in my head <3

@!; You always wanted some sort of silence, for an hour, thirty minutes, a minute, a second. It had never been quiet in Techno Reef, it had never been… quiet. And god, you had always wished for some sort of silence, but not silence like this. Not the deafening kind of silence, not the dreary silence, not the alone, abandoned, self-hatred fill silence that creeps up on you and holds you captive. The type that taunts you, haunts you, as you can do nothing but sit and be all consumed by it, encompassed by it constantly. No remorse will find you at the deepest depths of the ocean. You were alone, utterly and wholly. It was only meant to be a quick swim, one to get away from the noise of everyone and the noise of the rave that had been happening at the time. You had told Trollex this, having gone to his side and tapped his shoulder. Even while DJing, he had turned to you with the brightest grin. He had cupped your cheeks, he had given you such a big kiss and then a bigger hug as he softly told you to be careful; to get home soon, to not do anything too dangerous. You know he meant it more then than when he had told you before, after all you both were splitting egg-holding duty. Trollex had one of the twin eggs in his hair, safely tucked away and hidden, and you did too. You had brushed off his warning, giving him a playful look and quipped back he should be careful with the speakers more than anything. He had laughed, gave you one last smooch before you pulled away laughing and rushed off for your swim; yelling at him goodbye, that you would see him later. Later. How much later?

You sat at his DJ booth, sunk down on the floor as you held the only part of Trollex you still had; The egg, which was still warm yet slowly becoming cold due to the ocean. You know you should keep them in your hair, keep them warm so they will hatch yet… you were too alone, too afraid to be alone, to do that right now. Hugging the egg close, you pressed your cheek against the top as you tried to choke back your sobs. Funny, how silence was now the last thing you wanted. Ironic that the only thing you wanted now, more than ever, was the loud blaring music of the Techno reef; to hear your lover shout to the crowd, hyping them up louder than need be. Yet, all you sat in was a cold, silent reef; Having come back to nothing but silence, nothing but destruction, nothing but… nothing. It had been deserted, lettering spelling out ‘Rock’ etched into the side of the reefs and the coral. At first, you had thought it was a tasteless prank pulled by Trollex and the others; He had always been a prankster, had everyone pretend they forgot your birthday so he could throw you a big party and then a smaller one with just you and him and your friends at the end of the day. You had called for them, searched for everyone for hours before you realized you were alone. That feeling hit hard. Even more so when you stood in the center of the rave spot, seeing everything desolate, destroyed, and powered off. It felt strangely empty and cold. You felt strangely empty and cold.

And you panicked, laughing a little as you called out for people. Called out for everyone, anyone, anything! You threw things around, overturned rocks, checked buildings and hiding spots and everywhere you could think, yet no matter how hard you searched you were alone. And you didn’t know why. Why did they leave you? Did you do something? Did no one want to be around you anymore? Was the rave just a ploy to get you to swim away so everyone could pack up and leave? Leave without all their things, pack up and move to a new palace, rich. You didn’t think you had been rude to anyone or did anything to upset anyone, yet now you rethought all of that. Sitting alone, abandoned and utterly cold, you rethought everything you had done; All the words you had said, all the reactions you had given and all the ones you didn’t, all the gifts, all the yeses and nos, all of it. All at once it made you homesick and deathly lonely. It made you think, wonder, if you had shown even just a little more interest, if you had tried a little more, you wouldn’t be in this situation. You wouldn’t be alone, sitting by Trollex’s turntable with nothing but the silence you now wished would go away and be filled with deathly loud blaring music. Even if it was just for a short amount of time.

@!; A week, that’s what it took for Queen Poppy to save the day with the help of her friends. For everyone to restore their sense of music without the need of strings, singing from their hearts and letting music just be. No more Rock-apocalypse. No more feuding and isolation of tribes! Everything was right together again. “This is amazing!” Queen Poppy exclaimed, her arms extending as she watched all the trolls in the crowd interact with each other as though there were no differences; Showing each other their music, chatting and laughing, giggling too. Even the tribal leaders were interacting among the stage. As Poppy turned towards her new found friends, the biggest grin across her face, she paused. There was a small group crowded around the Techno tribe’s leader, who had fallen down onto the stage; He was coughing harshly, tears brimming at the corner of his eyes as a hand was balled against his chest. Poppy, at first, thought it was due to his coughing fit and had rushed over while shuffling around her hair for some sort of cough drop. “Poppy! Poppy, stop-” Yet Branch stopped her, grabbing her shoulder and pulling Poppy back as she sputtered out some sort of yell. “Branch I have cough drops I can help-” Poppy would spew out, rushing around in her hair to find something, anything, to help her new friend. Yet, Branch only cupped her cheeks and turned her attention over to where Trollex was sitting, forcing her to take a second look. That’s when she spotted it, seeping and clumping up under Trollex’s hand was blood.

That’s when Delta’s shouting for a medic began to ring in Poppy’s ears. That’s when Baarb had stopped on stage, her breath hitched as she realized what she had done. That’s when a hush fell over the stage as looks were passed around, unsure what to do about the current situation. Half weren’t even sure how this had happened, or how it went unnoticed during the whole song and dance number performed minutes earlier! “Medic, Y’all we need a medic!” Delta shouted as she extended one of Trollex’s fins, noting the other gash that ran down his leg. Trollex tried shaking his head, trying to say how he would be fine, yet he was only hushed when Delta had applied some disinfecting cream (which she got from Branch) around his flipper gash.  “Uh-huh,” Delta mumbled sarcastically as Poppy and Queen Essence tried to get a Techno medic to help, “Pumpkin, you’re as fine as a horse who’s broken his leg! Stop playin’ the hero, you’re hurt.” But Trollex only shook his head again, knowing there was only so much time he had, “I have to get back home! I-” Though he was only interrupted again as he kicked his flipper towards Delta, feeling the disinfecting cream again. “Hey, we’re all safe and here, right? There’s no rush to get back home! So just stay here and let us help you,” Branch tried to reason with Trollex, yet this wasn’t his speciality. This was something more in Poppy’s area, yet she was off trying to get a medic from the Techno tribe to help Trollex.

“He’s right, you’re going to sit your ass here and not move!-” Started Delta, her adamant tone apparent as she gestured for Branch to hold down Trollex’s fin. If Trollex was involuntarily kicking her for applying disinfecting cream to his fin, she did not want to know how hard he’ll kick once she tried to disinfect the gash on his chest. As Delta carefully moved Trollex’s hand away from his chest, Barb (nervous and almost paralyzed with uncertainty and guilt) tried to jump in to ask how she or anyone could help; Knowing she had accidentally taken things a little too far after the whole rebellion Trollex tried to start to get back the strings—which Barb didn’t exactly appreciate at the time, even if he was the only one who actually had to courage to try and face her. She also regretted threatening the egg that Trollex had been hiding in his hair. Not like she was actually ever going to attack it, that would be going too far, yet… Barb stopped mid-way through her apology as she saw the expressions the others were giving her. She gave a, what looked to be, sheepish smile. “Yeah, maybe you should have cut it off before you started spewing about threatening to attack a baby troll.” Delta pointed out, flabbergasted that Barb would even act upon such a thought; even if it was an empty threat with nothing behind it. “Yeah…” Barb agreed, rubbing the back of her neck.

Luckily, no one had to sit on this subject for long as Poppy rushed back while waving her hands and shouting that they had found a medic from the Techno tribe. The medic had paused at first, a look of terror crossing their face as they saw Trollex. That was, until they were nudged by Poppy to go help and in which they instantly got to work; Pulling out bandages made from a mixture of seaweed, seagrass, and kelp to help stop the bleeding while the salt will help disinfect the wounds. “How’s the little one?” The medic would ask as he made quick work of tightened up the bandages around Trollex’s torso. Carefully, not wanting to ruin the bandages, Trollex reached up into his hair and produce the warm egg; it was slightly colder than it should be, as the ocean temperatures help regulate Techno eggs as much as the parents' hair does—due to the unfuzzy nature of Techno trolls’ hair, the extra warmth from the ocean is needed to stimulate growth within the egg. The medic passed the bandages off to Delta, who got a bit confused upon seeing the bandages but shrugged and went to work bandaging his fin, as the medic stood up. They held out their hands, a silent request to take the egg. Yet, Trollex looked weary passing the egg on. He brought it to himself slightly, a look of confliction crossing his face. And that’s when the medic grew a somber look, knowing the reason behind his hesitation. They haven’t seen you since the attack, and Trollex was sure you had come back before it all. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Poppy jumped in on a chance to try and help, noticing the frowned eyebrows and the somber looks that the two trolls shared. Yet, she received no response. Which clouded the others with nerves, unsure what to do or what to say or how to help with a situation they had no information on. “Excuse me, Barb…” The medic would turn to Queen Barb, who stiffened a little at the sudden addressment. She looked at the two, glancing between them, as the Medic glanced down at Trollex with an unreliable expression for a moment. Trollex would only shake his head, in which the Medic would take a step away from everyone; Creating some sort of space that seemingly was needed for this situation. Trollex was careful as he tried to push himself onto his fins, Delta and Branch helping to support him back up as Trollex held his egg. He kept his eyes down at it for a while, a silence fogged over the silent stage as chatter from other trolls in the crowd could be heard. And despite that, it seemed overly quiet. “Barb,” Trollex started cautiously, trying to pick and choose his words. His eyes narrowed, a pained expression flashed in his eyes as he glanced up at Barb,  “Did you ever harm someone from my Tribe?” “Yeah…?” Barb started, cautiously and a little nervous at the look she was getting. “You!... by accident.”

“No, not me! I mean another Techno troll who happened to be, like, this tall and also had an egg with them that looks like mine?” Trollex hugged the egg tighter in effect to try and show he was crossing his arms in some sort of way. Yet the worry that crossed his face was more than enough to show he wasn’t playing, if anyone had even thought that in the first place. And the panicked look that crossed with realization that flashed across Trollex’s face the second that Barb had said “no” freaked the others out more. Yet, in Trollex’s mind, all he could think about was you. You; Who could possibly be all alone at this moment. You; Who was most likely left in the desolate and destroyed Techno reef. You; Who didn’t handle abandonment well. You; You consumed his thoughts as worry began to boil over him, flooding every single vein on his body as horrible images flashed through his head on what you could be facing right at this moment. None of them he liked. All of them lead to one conclusion; He had to get back to you right now.

@!; A week of isolation was not the best for a Troll; Nevertheless a week of isolation with self deprecating thoughts without something to stop them while having to take care of an egg was absolute torture. At times you wanted to smash the egg, hatred boiling over your body at the isolation, at the fact that you had been left, at yourself; Yet you had always managed to catch yourself before you did so and you always felt so much shame for acting in such a way. How could you try and kill your own child, who had done nothing wrong? How could you even think about taking their life before they had even been able to experience the world? How could you be such a monster? You sometimes grew so disgusted with yourself that you couldn’t touch your egg for hours; Simply taking to stare at it after having wrapped it in a kelp blanket as you replayed the terrifying scene in your mind. So many times you had been close to snapping, so many times you had almost smashed the egg or decided to leave it alone and pray it got eaten. So many times you thought about leaving it entirely and going on your own way, to leave this all behind instead of sticking around with some sort of sickening hope that someone, anyone, would come back and help. Something kept you here though, caged you in your own torture. Trapped you in isolation with a choking self hatred that you couldn’t shake no matter how much you tried. You weren’t sure how long ago you had the color sucked out of you, you hadn’t been counting how long everyone had been gone. You hadn’t slept well since that day, so you couldn’t even attempt to judge the days.

You hadn’t even realized when Trollex had returned, even despite the group of people he had following him (due to his injuries). The ringing in your ears blocked out the shouting, the fuzz in your brain made it hard to think of anything anymore. “Starfish?” Trollex shouted, panicking as he zipped around Techno reef. He turned over every building, trying to find any place you could be isolating yourself at. “Dude, hey!” Synth tried to follow Trollex, “You’re injured, slow down!” He shouted, glancing back at other leaders who had decided to follow. He just had to make sure they were good in the air bubbles they had blown for them before he zipped off towards Trollex, just to make sure he didn’t make his injuries worse. Yet, Trollex couldn’t care less about everyone else. He needed to find you, scratch that he was going to find you before anymore time could pass. “Starfish? Love?” And that’s when he found you at his DJ station, back resting against his turntables as you stared at the kelp-wrapped egg in front of you. Something in Trollex made him stop, despite the feeling that made him want to lunge at you and tackle you in a hug. He knew you were bad alone, even more so horrible with overthinking, and he had expected you to be in a bad shape when he found you yet… not this. Not gray. He had promised you wouldn’t hurt when you started dating and he had failed.

Trollex was more careful to approach you this time around, slowly swimming around his turntables to sit down next to you. He wanted to do nothing more than to hug you, to reassure that he was back and he didn’t mean to leave you. That all those nasty thoughts in your head were nothing but lies, yet he wasn’t even sure where to start; You were so out of it that you hadn’t even acknowledged him yet. In the background, Synth had finally caught up with Trollex enough to see what was happening. He had paused himself seeing the scene, even backing up a little to give you both some sort of privacy; stopping the other tribe leaders as well. They couldn’t see much from where they floated, yet they could make out Trollex carefully taking the second egg into his hands and storing it in his hair along with the first, before turning to you—all gray and desolate. The silence was deafening, it was so deafening all you wanted to do was to cover your ears and forget sound existed at all. Yet, as you tried to cover your ears your hands were caught by Trollex’s; His familiar hands, the way your hands fit into his, and the warmth. It made you crumble, despite everything that circled in your mind like a tornado and you were pulled into a hug instantly. A warm hug, a familiar one. Most importantly one that could cloud all the silence with a simple ‘thump’, ‘thump’, ‘thump’. 

.ᐟ this work is published and owned by @vacayisland. please do not plagiarize, copy, or steal this work; like, reblogs, and saves are appreciated :D

[frannyzooey]

Short Days, Long Nights: 1

Joel Miller x f!Reader

Rating: none — I’ll change it to E when we get there (slow burn, forced proximity, age gap — no age actually mentioned but rather more implied, competence kink)

Summary: Part of a band of travelers, your party is slowly picked off one by one, until there are only two of you left. Finding an abandoned cabin in the woods, you decide to make camp there until you figure out your next move. As the seasons change, the nights get longer and longer…..

A/N: Thank you endlessly to @mourningbirds1 for the incredible feedback, beta, and comments. As always, I couldn’t do it without you. Thank you also to @write-and-buried for her TLOU knowledge and constant support, and @the-ginger-hedge-witch for reading this one over and making me confront how much Joel Miller has rotted my brain 😉 Enjoy!

—

SPRING

The copse of trees surrounding you is dense, and from the overgrown path you’ve been following by groove alone, you almost miss it. A flash of muted, dingy blue in a sea of green. 

“Hey,” you call to him. “What’s that?”

He turns, his features and body already taut with a practiced, ready tension and when he sees your face isn’t one of concern but rather curiosity, he relaxes. Walking over to you, he follows the line of your finger with his eyes. 

At first, he sees nothing. Just a wall of clustered vegetation: sturdy trunks that hide behind branches heavily weighted with rain, the floor beneath them obscured by ferns that brush against your legs and growth that softens your footsteps. His eyes catch on something too angular for the setting and he frowns, focusing on it. 

Barely visible in the distance and seen only through the filtered sunlight that catches the sharp edge: a moss covered roof. A structure, isolated like the two of you. 

He glances over at you for a moment, reflexively reaching back for his rifle. 

“Let’s take a look.”

Weapon out with his steps steady and slow, he approaches the cabin with a careful, defensive slink. As it slowly comes into view, you brace yourself for any type of movement. Second nature to now activate the constant thrum of self preservation inside you, you check for visible traps as you follow him, your eyes flitting between the building and the ground. 

A specific sort of tension fills the air when something is close: you know that feeling now, have become so sensitive that it can wake you from dead sleep the second you feel it. Like a sixth sense forced to emerge due to evolution, you focus on it and feel none of that tension here:  just the trilling sound of birds, the soft crunch of pine needles underfoot and the peaceful silence of total seclusion.

Joel catches your attention with the jerk of his head, motioning to stay close.

You approach the front of the cabin together. His hands white knuckle the gun, the butt tucked tight against the worn strap of his backpack where it curves around his shoulder and as his fingers flex in anticipation, you hold your breath. 

There is a weighted beat as you wrap your hand around the knob and turn. 

In the end, it’s all for nothing - the cabin you find, after roughly working the warped door open, is abandoned. 

–

It’s like a time capsule in the middle of the woods. 

A thick layer of dust covering everything, motes of it swirl lazily in the beam of Joel’s flashlight as you wander from room to room. His boots scrape against the floor with heavy footfalls, the two of you silently surveying the causally cozy and completely still disarray: a moth bitten handmade quilt thrown over the back of the couch, outdated magazines in a stack on the counter, cobwebbed toothbrushes by the bathroom sink. Bookshelves packed with faded spines, grime covered windows, dead plants in pretty pots lining sills. 

Someone loved this cabin once. 

Used to your partner through circumstance by now, you anticipate an order to scavenge for everything you can carry and then move on, so you’re surprised when he sets his pack down on the floor and lets himself fall back onto the couch. A cloud of dust bursts into the stagnant air, his hands coming up to wearily scrub his face. They rake through his damp, messy curls as he closes his eyes before laying his head back and letting out an exhausted sigh. 

“This should do for the night,” he says. “Could stay until the rain lets up, at least. Be nice to sleep on something other than the ground for a change.”

You nod in agreement, rolling out the kink in your shoulder you woke up with. Your eyes drift over the exposed line of his tanned throat, lingering on the hollow just above his collar. You force yourself to look away. “Yea, the beds didn’t look too bad.”

There had been two of them, across the hall from each other and the idea of a mattress - no matter how old - had you yearning to climb into bed already. Nothing saying you can’t, you reason with yourself. Not when time is more of a concept than anything else these days but the gnawing hunger in your stomach immediately disagrees, knowing exactly how long it’s been since you’ve last eaten. 

“I’m gonna go look for some food,” you tell him and he hums in acknowledgement, seemingly indifferent. 

Not really expecting to find anything of substance, you feel a swoop of scarce felt joy when you discover a cache of canned goods in the pantry. A treasure trove. 

“Hey Joel,” you call, wiping your thumb over a peeled, dried out label. “I think I found dinner.”

He doesn’t answer, most likely asleep given his ability to succumb whenever and wherever he can when he gets a moment and you take several, bringing them over to the counter. Brushing away the dust that sticks to the labels, you survey your choices: baked beans and peaches, two of each. Just what you would expect at a lake house. 

Letting him rest and holding the beans in your hand and a spoon you find in another, you take bites straight from the can as you wander down the hallway of the cabin, looking at the pictures on the walls. Using the heel of your hand to wipe away the dust that covers the glass, smiling faces emerge from the fog. You study them one by one, slowly chewing. 

They look like stock photos you used to see in stores: generically bland smiles, posed to perfection. An elderly couple with their children of various ages, a large family gathering photo, parents with children sitting between them. You try hard to picture those people here: sitting in the living room, sleeping in the bedrooms, playing outside. The concept seems too foreign to grasp, too far away to be real and you take another bite of food, pushing away the sudden unbidden reminder of similar photos you once had in your own home, now lost. 

You hear the couch protest as Joel gets up, coming to pass you in the hallway. He stops for a moment behind you, looking to see what you’re staring at and when he sees what it is, he frowns. Letting a deep sigh escape him, he keeps moving down the narrow space and with his pack in his hand, disappears into a bedroom. 

–

Wanting the safety of his nearness and given that it’s the only other bedroom, you set up across the hall when you’re done eating. Placing your own worn pack on the floor, you start to methodically strip the mattress, shaking out the bedding. Minimal creeping mold darkens the seamed edge of a mattress in otherwise good condition and you flip it, hoping for the best. Shaking out the pillow to make sure there is nothing hiding in it, you take the pillowcase with you, wanting to air it out on the deck now that the rain has stopped. 

Wanting to do the same for him, you walk into the bedroom he’s claimed and even though he’s not in there, it already feels like an invasion of privacy to be standing in it. His pack slumped on the end of the bed a visual claim, you grab his pillow off the bed and start to tug off the case. 

What does he look like, sleeping in a real bed? Does he bunch the pillow or tangle himself in the quilt? When he gets up, is there a rumpled form left behind, still warm with the heat of his body pressed into the sheets?

For all the time you’ve spent with him, the majority of Joel is a mystery to you. He gives away more than he knows, but that’s still not a lot. You knew of him back in the QZ: his broad frame a hard one to miss, his reputation even bigger and while your paths rarely crossed within the borders of those high walls, once you set out, it was hard to stay out of his orbit. 

His handsomeness drew your eye initially, but it was his usefulness that made you stay in his shadow. His determination to fight for his own made you feel protected by proximity, even more so when he extended it to you. 

Had to, once your group got picked off one by one. 

You had been thankful, in a sick way, that he was the one that remained. The best one. The most ruthless one. A ruthlessness you admired, then revered, then thought about at night as you tried to drift off to sleep. 

Without needing to sleep clothed to protect himself from the elements, does he still sleep in them, or will he be in less? If so, how much less?

Sharply snapping the pillowcase in the air, the sound brings you back to the present and you shake away the thoughts, leaving the room. 

“Whatcha got there?” He’s sitting on the couch, a can of peaches in his hand and when you face him, you have to look away from the glistening juice on his lips. 

“Oh, I was going to hang these outside, see if I can get some of the dust smell out.” Your nose crinkles and he smirks, taking another bite and shaking his head. 

“Thought you’d be used to that by now.”

You shrug, taking a seat in a chair by the woodstove. Leaning forward to inspect it, your chair wobbles; the front leg rotted. 

He nudges his chin in the direction of the stove when you open its door. “I thought about lighting it, but we better not. Don’t want the smoke showin’ people someone’s here.”

You nod, sitting back in the chair. “I can’t believe what a good find this is. There’s all sorts of stuff. I found some clothes in the closets, some more blankets too, if you need one.” 

You watch him chew, his jaw flexing under the salt and pepper of his beard.

“There is more food where that came from, if you’re hungry. The pantry is pretty full.”

He acknowledges it with a nod, taking another bite and you glance towards the windows that run the length of the room. A miracle none of them are broken, thanks to the secured tarp that lined the outside. 

“I think I’m gonna clean some of these and see if I can get a better view.”

“Cleanin’ the windows, doin’ the laundry. You lookin’ to move in?” His teasing tone is a dry one, and you smile, shrugging.

“Just so we can see what’s out there. In case someone comes.”

He looks at you, his eyes narrowing for a moment before he finishes the can, drinking the juice. 

“Well don’t wear yourself out too much,” he says, standing with a soft grunt of pain. “We ain’t gonna be here that long. Not worth makin’ it all homey.”

He sets the can down on the counter, grabbing his bow and supplies off the surface. You watch him check his stock of arrows before reaching back to feel for the knife strapped to his belt.

“I’m gonna go see if I can find us something for dinner.” He gives you a look, his eyes quickly sliding down over your form and then back up. “Yell if you need me, okay? I’ll stay close.”

You nod, holding his eyes for a minute and when he goes, you use the pads of your fingers to wipe clean a clear circle on the window. 

A creek lines the edge of the property, one that you didn’t even hear from the path with how thick the vegetation is and you watch him walk down along the edge of it for a moment, his head bowed. His hair is lighter in the sun, ruffling slightly in the wind and you keep watching until his form disappears behind the trees. 

–

Searching the cabinets methodically for anything of use while he’s gone, you find them buried deep in a junk drawer, sealed inside a faded, dirty ziplock. 

Seed packets. A lot of them. 

“Holy shit,” you whisper to yourself, opening the plastic pouch. You handle each pack delicately, spreading them neatly and carefully out on the counter and marvel silently at the whole vegetable garden you’ve found in this tiny bag. The haul would be worth more than you can imagine back at the QZ, but the potential for it is even higher here, in this dim kitchen, with that patch of moist, fertile soil outside. 

You pick them up one at a time, sorting them by recommended growth timelines and a thought takes root in your mind; the paper packets eventually gathered and put neatly back into the bag. 

You let it stew the rest of the afternoon, into the evening. As the sky dims, then darkens, as he comes back with a skinned rabbit and cooks it, as you both sit in the living room after dinner, your dirty plates resting on the coffee table between you. 

He’s sprawled on the couch, his arm behind his head with his thighs spread wide and the denim around his thighs is molded tight; his other hand resting limply against the inside of his thigh. When his eyes close, your eyes drop from his face to his hand, and then back up again. 

“So I found something today,” you begin, and he answers with a slow drawl, content and full. 

“Oh yea? Anything good?”

“Really good. Like, something really, really good.”

He opens his eyes then, looking over at you with a tilt of his head. 

“Well? You gonna tell me what it is?”

You draw one of the packets from your pocket, holding it in your hand and he sits up immediately, leaning forward on his elbows to reach for it. 

“Careful,” you warn, scared some will leak out of the thin, dried out paper. 

“You found these here?”

“Yea, in a drawer. In the kitchen.”

You can tell by the way he is looking at them that he knows their value. His hands hold them more tenderly than you thought his hands capable of, and he flips the packet over, reading the front. 

“I would kill for a fresh squash right now,” he mumbles, more to himself than anything, as he studies the front. 

“Well…” you start, suddenly unsure of your idea when he brings his eyes back up to your face. It’s intimidating when he looks directly at you normally, but you feel it tenfold now. He’s always been the one to call the shots, his experience in this world outweighing yours and while you’re nervous to throw yours out there, thinking of the alternatives nudges you forward.  

“I was sort of thinking this afternoon. About this place, and about these seeds.” You pause, looking away for a moment and then back at him. “About us, maybe staying here.”

He immediately frowns, scoffing to discourage the idea. “You can’t be serious. Stay here?”

Though you expected it, his immediate dismissive tone flares annoyance in you. 

“Where else is there to go, Joel?” you ask, your voice gaining confidence. “Be serious. Every settlement has been a nightmare, every place we’ve tried —“

He shakes his head, cutting your argument off. “I said we could stay for a night, not stay forever goddamnit. We’re like sitting ducks out here, just waitin’ to get killed. In the middle of fuckin’ no where —“

“Exactly!” you say louder, before bringing your voice down. “Exactly. We didn’t even see this place from the road. Not even from the path off the road. Who is going to find us here? No one knows about this place, or else it would have been looted ages ago. The tarps hid it, the trees block it, the –”

“And then what, huh? The second we light that wood stove, it’s gonna give us away. Even so, what then when someone wandering down that path sees the same thing we saw, and they decide to come take a look for themselves? They are gonna see everything we have – everything you’re suggesting we start – and they are gonna kill us for it.”

He pauses, the next statement forcing you to look at the ground. “Just like we would have done if we found someone else here. Just like we do.” 

You say nothing, letting the words hang in the air. 

“Just —“ you pause, looking down at your hands. Flashes of the last few months play back in your mind: the hangings, the strict enforcement of rules for all made to benefit the few, the bleak apartment you live in. This mission, all the things you’ve seen along the way, all the fear and terror you’ve felt and how the only person who has ever made you feel safe since the Outbreak began is sitting right here in this room. 

If ever this could work, it would only work with him. 

You bring your eyes back to him, pleading. ���Aren’t you tired of it? So restless, always fighting against everything. For everything you have. Aren’t you sick of it, Joel?”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m just fine.” His tone is clipped, but you can tell he’s thinking. He glances at his watch, the broken face staring back at him. It’s been broken for as long as you’ve known him, but he’s always treated it as carefully as his weapons, his supplies. You can see him illuminated by the moon profile in your mind, his fingers skating around the face as he kept watch, or brushing it with his thumb to delicately keep the dirt off. Seeing your opening, you take it. 

“I’m not saying forever,” you press. “Hell, I’m not even saying a month. But let’s just stop for a second. Let’s… just stop. Nothing says we have to go back there. We could be dead, for all they know.”

He brings his attention back to you and placing his hands in his pockets, he straightens his spine. “Probably will be, sooner or later, if we stay here.” He looks you directly in the eye, holding your gaze. “It’s not just the supplies they’ll take. They’ll want way more than that.”

You raise your chin, ignoring the tightening of fear in your chest. He hasn’t let that happen yet, and even if it's foolish to believe, you know he won’t let it happen. When he sees you’re not going to answer, he sighs. 

The lantern is bright between you, illuminating the room in a soft glow and his deep brown eyes study you. His expression is stern, like he wants to say no…but he doesn’t. 

“It’s a dumb idea.” His statement is said with resignation, but with the authority of the last word and deciding not to push it any further tonight, you stand. 

“Well, good thing it was just an idea.” Glancing over at the seed packet, you chew your bottom lip while he watches your face with a frown and your voice gets softer, quieter. 

“I’m gonna get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”

—

He isn’t there when you wake up, and finding his bow gone, you know he’s out hunting again. 

You wander over to the coffee table to pick up the packet of seeds you left there last night when you see a book facedown next to it. Like he was reading something he found on the shelves after you went to bed, and left it there. 

Picking it up and turning it over in your hands, a smile unfurls at the edge of your mouth and you sit down on the couch, opening it to the first page:

The Basics of Gardening

[heesdreamer]

ECHOES OF RIOT

PAIRING ➩ heeseung x reader

SUMMARY ➩ falling inlove with a rockstar is never easy, especially when he returns to your hometown on a successful tour three years after you lost contact

WARNINGS ➩ this is like straight up angst… romance but mostly angst lol.. drug use, some violence, idk can’t really remember this is ridiculously long

WC ➩ 19.1k

AUTHORS NOTE ➩ well this took me forever lol.. i don’t have much to say i just hope you like it. NOT PROOFREAD normally written at 4am lol the usual.. also side note one of the main characters was chaeyoung and i changed her to heejin for obvious reasons so if you see any of her name left over that’s my mistake and that’s why.

You weren’t exactly sure how you ended up like you did, so meek and quiet to the point that it was an actual hinderance on your daily activities.

If you were born like that, just one of those kids that was too shy to talk to their classmates and hid behind their moms legs on the first day of school, you’d completely understand but you’d actually been nearly the opposite for your entire life.

Maybe it was an accumulation of always feeling like you were taking up too much space, being on the receiving end of quick glares from teachers when you lacked volume control or seeing the hesitance on your friends parents faces when they excitedly asked if you could come over for a sleepover. Mixed with your own sudden self awareness going into high school.

You quickly realized that it wasn’t the loud girls getting asked out on dates and it was an almost immediately decline into self intrusion once you made this discovery.

It wasn’t like you necessarily wanted to be asked out by anybody, physically recoiling as your friends gossiped about the mass appointed hottest guys at your school and turning up your nose when they made sleazy attempts to flirt and court the other girls around you, but it felt embarrassing to be constantly left out of romantic group hangouts or discussions about experiences you’d never had.

Still, you had managed to keep a solid group of friends despite your newfound habit of self isolating and they only halfway judged you for your tendency to stay in on the weekends.

On the other half however, they weren’t so forgiving, hence why you were currently stood outside a low scale concert venue shivering so hard you were worried you’d chip a tooth. You were pulling your zip up hoodie tighter around your body and sending glares to your friends who were chatting animatedly about the band they were going to see.

Apparently it was composed of some boys around your age, not attending your school but well known enough that they had been invited to some of your friends parties and events and eventually your friend group had been given tickets to one of their shows.

You weren’t the biggest fan of crowds in general but especially concert goers and you’d been promised that this one would be chill and relaxing, something you automatically knew was a lie the second you left the cab and saw the attire of everybody around you. The line was buzzing with energy and adrenaline and you could hear the acts doing soundcheck from inside, music loud and heavy.

It was freezing and as much as you were dreading being pushed into a crowd with jabbing elbows and sweat rolling off their skin onto yours, you were ready to get out of the line as more and more snow kept falling down onto the uncaring crowd.

“Aren’t you excited?” Your head was turning at the sound of a soft voice coming from your right and you smiled softly at one of your calmer friends.

“Sure Sunoo. It’ll be fun.” You were replying quickly, not needing them to feel awkward or guilty about bringing you just because you didn’t necessarily want to come. You figured he could tell you were lying by the pity filled look he gave you but he didn’t call you out for it.

He didn’t say anything else for a second and he didn’t get a chance before the doors were opening and the line was surging forward, already getting your tickets checked while you waited and turning into a blob of people and excitement all trying to squeeze into the single door.

You were groaning softly at the feeling of being jostled around but you couldn’t help but laugh at the fact all of your friends were linking arms and declaring to stay together, slightly envious of the pure delight on their faces whilst your heart was starting to ache from the anxious way it was pounding. You let yourself be dragged through the crowd by them, closing your eyes for a second when you pushed through the tightest areas and just allowing them to guide you through it.

The venue was more so just a bar with a small stage but your friends had told you that these were the best types of places to see a show at, intimate and ear shattering loud.

They’d said the last half with an enthusiastic giggle but you had winced softly at the image of how close you’d be to the large speakers that you now saw adorning the stage. It was dark in the building and your shoes were sticking to the floor beneath you, lights turned a deep glowing green and something more casual playing over the speakers to fill the silence.

You’d followed behind them as they found a spot near the bar, safely tucked away from the crowd and planning to wait out the opening acts here to preserve their energy. They all agreed to push into the crowd once the main band came out and try to get as close as they possibly could, looking over at you for acceptance and all smiling and patting your back when you gave a sheepish nod.

It wasn’t that bad and you were quickly getting used to it, the thick cloud of cigarette smoke settling over you and only making you slightly dizzy now.

You felt a bit embarrassed and out of place but everybody else was too excited or drunk to notice that you weren’t exactly in the most appropriate attire. Sunoo had shot you a questioning glance when you’d gotten into the shared cab but you only just now realized you weren’t fitting in with the rest of the crowd or your friends even slightly.

The difference between you and them was even more evident when the owner of the bar was stepping onto stage and excitedly announcing the first artists, all your friends cheering and holding onto each other while you sat and watched from one of the bar stools.

You were still able to have fun as you watched them, smiling softly at the way they kept instinctively moving forward together as the music started and they screamed the lyrics. You didn’t recognize the songs that the band was covering but you knew enough about music to tell it sounded amazing, watching them closely as they skillfully played off of each other and got the crowd properly amped up.

You’d never really understood the purpose behind opening acts but you were getting it now considering you were feeling more and more excited for the main band as you kept watching.

Then more time had passed and the crowd had entered that stage of being too excited and too intoxicated to really understand boundaries and limits, a few fights breaking out that your friends didn’t bat an eye at but you were starting to feel a really deep pit building in your stomach.

It only worsened when somebody was hurriedly, and messily, approaching the bar and demanding another drink as he anxiously looked behind him at where you presumed his spot in the crowd was. You were watching him out of the corner of your eye as he ordered, feeling him swaying drunkenly closer to you and wanting to make sure he didn’t accidentally tip over and knock you out of your seat.

Your intuition was astoundingly accurate considering it wasn’t long before somebody else was approaching the man and leaning into his side, sending the both of them tilting over in your direction.

You’d just managed to hop off the bar seat before they were slamming into it but with the speed in which you’d jumped off combined with the sticky floor underneath you, you were skidding forward and landing roughly on your side against the ground.

Neither man seemed coherent enough to notice you had fallen from the height and you could hear them drunkenly laughing with each other from above you. Your friends hadn’t noticed the altercation either and you quickly frowned at the nasty sensation under your hands before you were standing up and swiftly adjusting your skirt.

You were rushing back out towards the entrance before anybody could notice your disappearance, pushing back through the door and immediately being hit by the cold air as the snow continued to build up on the ground. You were sighing and bending down to pick some of it off the sidewalk, rubbing it in your hands and trying to clean them off the best you could with the wetness.

“You’re going to miss the main act.”

You were jumping at the sound of a voice coming from behind you, standing up swiftly and turning around to see somebody leaning against the building and taking a long drag from whatever it was that he was smoking.

“Oh.. yeah I know I just.. had something on my hands.” You were mumbling out towards him and indicating awkwardly at the snow in your hands, realizing how weird it must’ve looked from his angle.

He was laughing softly at your explanation and your face flushed in embarrassment again for the sixth time that night, taking in his attire and knowing he’d be able to tell right away that you weren’t exactly supposed to be here. He was tall, would be even taller if he was standing up straight and it was especially accentuated by the tight fit of his ripped black jeans. You couldn’t see his face super clearly from where he was stood underneath the shaky lights but his hair was messy and in his eyes and you thought you saw a piercing or two shining on his face.

“Who dragged you here?” He was suddenly asking and you froze up again as you looked at him, eyes darting down to his feet for a second nervously.

“My friends got tickets and I couldn’t get out of it.” You were telling him softly and shrugging a bit. A car was driving past on the empty road and you waited for the sounds of the snow crunching under its tires to quiet before you finished. “From the band actually.”

You look back at him just in time to see his eyebrows lift in surprise and then settle into recognition, your own shifting forward in furrowed confusion. The boy was taking a step off the wall then and flicking his cigarette somewhere off near the road, your eyes following the still burning ember as it flew through the air before circling back to him.

“I’ll see you inside then.” His tone was one of a statement and not a question but you were still slightly confused despite the fact you habitually nodded at him.

You let out a big sigh once he was leaving finally, weirdly going through the alley towards what you could only assume was a side entrance and not the door right next to him. It quickly slipped your mind and you decided to wait for the previous act to finish up before you also headed back in.

You crouched back down closer to the snow and continued to try and clean off your hands and parts of your sleeves that had gotten stained from whatever substances were on the floor. The cold was sending waves of shivers through you but you simply ignored the uncomfortable feeling, especially since you figured you’d warm up quickly once you headed back inside.

Eventually you could hear the second opening act thanking the crowd for their intense energy before the familiar voice of the bar owner was back, this time more excited as he announced that the main band was finally coming out on to the stage.

You sighed softly again to yourself before stomping the slush off your boots and heading back through the door, once again being hit by the tight atmosphere that was a lot more sweaty than when you had first walked in and was now practically buzzing with adrenaline.

It was harder than you had planned for to get back to your seat and you almost gave up and just resided to the back of the building but once the band members were finally on stage the crowd surged forward, a gap in the mass of people slightly opened up and you were hurrying through it back towards where your friends had been. They were gone now but you had expected that, knowing they must likely went closer to the stage.

You were just barely settling back into an empty stool when the band was coming out on stage and you frowned when you realized you could barely see them, sitting up slightly and freezing up when you got a better view.

One of the boys was standing center stage and speaking into the mic, presumably introducing them to the crowd who was cheering the loudest they had all night, but your gaze was drifting a few feet to his right to where one of the guitarist was standing.

You immediately recognized him as the boy from outside, a wave of embarrassment washing over you as you remembered how you had been less than enthusiastic about coming and had told him the band invited you and your friends. His surprised expression was making sense to you now and you would’ve turned to face palm if you weren’t stuck staring at him.

He was scanning the crowd for a few seconds and your eyes widened a touch when he was looking in your direction, stopping his wandering gaze as a soft smirk started to build up on his lips.

You were glancing around you to see if there was anything else he could be looking at and then feeling your face heat up alarmingly fast when you realized there wasn’t and he definitely recognized you from your awkward encounter outside.

Then they were starting to play and you were frozen for other reasons, your eyes locked on him and his frame as he started to open the song slow and soft. It wasn’t the type of music you had expected from them just based off of appearance and you were completely transfixed by the way they skillfully moved with their respective instruments, the boys behind the mics voice coming through now.

The crowd was swaying along with the gentle music, calming down into a low buzz like they were being completely controlled by the bands sound and energy.

You sat frozen like that for the entirety of the first song, mouth slightly parted in surprise and watching the boy you’d seen outside as he continued to play. You didn’t know much about guitars but you could tell he was good, his louder than the others and ringing out clear even underneath the distorted vocals.

He wasn’t looking at you anymore because he wasn’t looking at anything at all, leaning back and keeping his eyes shut as he played them through the final half of the first song. He was rocking along with his strums and he seemed just as into it and transfixed as the rest of the building was.

The first song slowed to a stop and you heard the vocalist laugh softly into the mic before he was glancing behind him towards where the drummer was sitting. You watched them curiously as they nodded at eachother in silent communication, amazed at how casual and relaxed they seemed to be in front of all of these people.

“Obviously we know what you’re all here for.” The lead vocalist was speaking into the mic with a small smile and the two guitarist start to build up the intro of the next song. “Watch your elbows and try not to knock anyone out.”

He was laughing as he finished his lighthearted warning but you watched as the crowd surged with excitement and started to move around, coming to life in sync like they were all the same creature and you felt a bit sick at how tight and moving it was quickly becoming. He was starting to sing again in a lower tone and even though the song was still bordering on calm, you could feel it building up along with the energy in the room.

It was closer to what you had expected their music to sound like and although it wasn’t necessarily something you’d keep on during your downtime, you couldn’t help but feel a bit giddy at the way the entire crowd reacted to the explosive chorus.

The drummers voice was rasping underneath the main vocalist now and you quickly understand their previous communication, a smile building on your face as you watched the guitarist from outside staring at them with an unfiltered excitement.

They played more songs and you continued to sit and watch them unmoving, your eyes mostly transfixed on the boy with the guitar until the end of their set. You’d never seen somebody play the way he did and you almost felt like you had no choice but to watch him considering how captivating he looked on stage. Eventually they were shouting their goodbyes towards the crowd and accepting thrown gifts and hands reaching out for contact, all except for the guitarist considering he was just watching and smiling at the crowd for a distance.

You were still watching them as they left the stage and disappeared back into the restricted part of the building, not even noticing when your friends were excitedly bounding back over to you.

“That was fucking awesome.” Heejin was wrapping her arm around your shoulder and shaking you enthusiastically, sweat lining her dyed hair now and making her tattoos glisten under the now red lighting.

“Jungwon somehow sounds 100 times better in person.” You turned your head to see Sunoo coming to sit next to you with an impressed look on his face, shaking his head in disbelief and still watching the empty stage like you were a few moments ago. “Plus I didn’t know Jake could sing like that.”

“He sang at that school event remember? Before Jay got him into drumming.” Riki was quickly explaining and taking a swig of a water bottle he was carrying, still slightly out of breath from the tight and hot crowd.

You watched them talk animatedly about the show with a soft smile and fondness, you were glad they had fun even if you were originally hesitant to come out with them. It had been better than you’d expected and you still felt a little rush of excitement under your skin when you thought about how loud and beautiful the music had been. You’d completely forgotten about falling on the floor or any mishap.

“Are you ready to go then? We don’t want to keep them waiting, they’re probably super tired.” Joonie was turning to smile at you and await your response but her grin faltered when she saw the heavy look of confusion gracing your features. “You didn’t ask her?”

She was moving her head to give an accusatory stare towards the others and Sunoo winced softly at the harshness in her glare. Riki was sighing and scratching the back of his neck before answering. “We figured we’d ask her after she saw them… maybe she’d be more inclined to say yes.”

“Say yes to what?” You were quickly butting in, slightly frustrated that they were talking around you like you weren’t sat right there watching the entire thing.

“The band wanted us to come over to their place after the show.” Heejin was answering hesitantly, watching you with an expectant look like she was already prepared for you to shut them down.

You can’t deny that the thought immediately crossed your mind, beyond used to rejecting hangouts instinctively especially ones that were so small and intimate with people you didn’t know.

Then you were thinking about the way they had performed and how you had felt seeing them have so much fun on the stage, like they never cared about taking up too much space and they certainly weren’t concerned with ever being too loud. You were pausing for a few seconds to think about it even though you already felt like your mind had been made up, meeting your friends waiting stares and giving them a soft nod of approval.

——

You had quickly come to regret your accepting nod on your way to meet up with the boys, packed into a cab with your friends who still vaguely smelled like the inside of the venue and conjoined sweat.

They still seemed excited so you were trying your best to not be a visible mood killer but you were getting more and more anxious the closer you got to where you’d be meeting, not even exactly sure what type of environment you were going into.

It got even worse when the cab was pulling to a stop in front of a house tucked neatly in a lower class suburban area, the dread of having to make small talk in such an intimate setting like one the boys house was making your stomach turn with nausea. You sucked it up and followed behind your friends with held breath, listening as the door opened and they excitedly greeted whoever it was that was behind it.

You eventually filed through and when it was your turn to pass through the doorway, you realized it was Jake who had opened it.

You recognized him from school events like Riki had mentioned before, not attending yours but a few times a year the neighboring schools held community shows and events to bring the area closer together and scout for grants and sponsorships. You distinctly remember Jake sitting on the stage a few years back, looking beyond nervous as he softly strung his acoustic guitar and sang a song that had slipped your memory by now.

It was a striking opposition to what you’d seen him do tonight, both the fact he had been singing so hard his voice was scratching underneath Jungwon’s softer tone and the way he was slamming down on the drums so hard you had been worried he’d break something.

He had a certain buzzing energy to him that helped this make sense, watching him now as he excitedly bounced around your friends like a loose dog as he guided them towards another doorway. You figured he was more full of bottled up excitement over any actual aggressiveness and you continued to silently follow behind them.

You were a bit surprised to be led down to a small finished basement, carefully walking down the carpeted steps and feeling weirdly like you’d been transported back to your own home with how familiar the area looked.

There was a small red light connected to the door with tape and you imagined it was to signal that some sort of recording was going on, a small smile playing up on your face at the irony of the devoted after band having such a simple setup. The smile was immediately slipping off when you were hearing your friends start up rounds of greeting again and you paled with nerves.

“That’s Y/N, she doesn’t talk much.” Riki was quickly saying and you were half grateful he had saved you from awkwardly stuttering out your name and half furious as all sets of eyes turned to look in your direction.

You recognized the lead singer first, looking a lot less intimidating now that he was sitting on the sofa in more comfortable clothes and letting his purple mullet air dry from what you could only assume was a post show shower. You knew his name was Jungwon just from hearing your friends rambles and you filled in the blanks for the rest of the names.

Jay was almost more intimidating off stage than he was on it, losing that playful and excited energy that being in front of a crowd brought and falling into an almost scary silence. If it wasn’t for the gentle way he was picking at an acoustic guitar, a stark difference to the black and shining electric one you’d seen him with on stage.

Your eyes were drifting over to the final person in the room who was busy chatting with Heejin and staring excitedly at her newest tattoos, his hands hovering over her skin but not touching directly like an excited child. Sunoo had told you on the way here that Sunghoon played bass and whilst you weren’t exactly sure what that meant, he seemed the most approachable out of the group.

Minus the member you’d already accidentally approached but he was missing from the current area and you felt a wave of relief rushing through you considering how embarrassed you’d felt seeing him on stage.

You almost fell into autopilot and you listened to the two groups mix and talk casually like they were lifelong friends, an overwhelming feeling of envy sitting in your stomach considering the fact they were so easily able to hold conversation with each other whilst you struggled to even introduce yourself.

Jay had gotten up to put on a record at some point and that made you feel slightly more at ease considering there was no more room for awkward silence, something a lot calmer than what they’d played earlier ringing through the room as they all lounged in different places and started to smoke amongst each other.

Your friends didn’t bother offering any to you considering you had a tendency to say no, not necessarily against smoking or being high but the intimacy of sharing a blunt mixed with the performance anxiety as it was passed around the circle almost on instinct. The other boys must’ve gotten the hint without it needing to be said and they also didn’t try to get you to smoke, leaving you relieved that they weren’t the types to poke fun at you or try to pressure you into it.

It was a lot easier for you to just watch them and get a small contact high, sinking down into your spot on the couch more and relaxing as they started to lose focus and definitely lose the ability to care if you were being awkward.

You were pressed against the side of the sofa even though nobody was sat directly near you, still trying to ensure you were taking up as little space on the furniture as possible in case somebody else wanted to sit or you were simply just in the way. You were grateful you’d developed this habit considering the door to the basement was opening again and you froze up as the light shone in from the top of the stairs.

“Finally, the chosen one has arrived.” Jake was yelling excitedly from somewhere you couldn’t see, laying flat on the carpet behind the round ottoman and you could only barely catch a glimpse of his arms being thrown up in mock praise.

You were staring at the stairs as the boot covered feet started to descend down and you knew who it was before he even reached the point where you could see his upper half, freezing even more at the way his eyes scanned over the unfamiliar faces in the basement before pausing on you.

You awkwardly pulled your sleeves over your hands and glanced back over at Sunoo was sitting in the chair closest to you and the couch, talking to Sunghoon about something you couldn’t quite make it out considering anxiety was fully building up now and you were slightly disoriented from the overstimulation in the room.

Much to your dismay and attempts to stop yourself, your eyes were drifting back over to the boy and you almost groaned when you realized he was still watching you.

Heeseung had, according to Joonie on the way here, been the one to originally start up the band and convince the others to take it as seriously as he did. He was the lead guitarist first and foremost but he dabbled in almost everything, including producing all of their original songs and covers and apparently forfeiting his basement as their studio considering the younger photos of him scattered around the walls.

His baby pink hair was in his face even more now than it had been when you’d saw him smoking outside, littered with random blonde patches that told you he had done it himself, and now you were positive he had multiple piercings throughout his face.

It was only getting worse for you when he was making his way over to the couch and taking the empty middle seat, directly next to you.

You were sat with your feet up on the fabric and hugging your knees close to your chest but you imagined if you’d been sat normally then your thighs would be press against his that had lost the tight ripped jeans and were now sporting some more casual black sweatpants.

“You want this Hee?” Sunghoon was saying from where he was sat on the floor besides Sunoo on the chair.

You glanced over to the boy just in time to see him shake his head in denial and a wave of surprise and relief washed over you, grateful you wouldn’t be the only one not smoking anymore. “You don’t smoke?” Riki was asking and Heeseung seemed to instinctively shake his head no.

Jay snorted out a half laugh half scoff and you watched the pink haired boy shoot him a sharp glare before his eyes were drifting over to you, almost like he was checking your reaction. Your eyebrows were furrowed forward in confusion, wondering why he was lying about smoking, he must’ve forgotten the fact you’d seen him outside with a cigarette only a few hours before.

Everybody fell back into their own individual conversations again and you started to relax finally, listening to the music playing softly in the smoke filled room.

“So did you end up liking it then?” Heeseung’s voice was coming from beside you and you looked over towards him with widened eyes, not expecting him to directly address you.

“W-what?” You were stuttering out and then immediately flushing in embarrassment when a concerned look passed over his intimidating face. He seemed nice enough but your closed mind couldn’t look past the piercings and the eyeliner still staining around his large eyes.

“The show.” He was quickly explaining, looking slightly embarrassed himself that you hadn’t understood what he was talking about. “You didn’t seem too excited when you were outside.”

You froze up in your spot considering he was directly referencing the conversation you’d had outside, in which you had told him begrudgingly and in complaint that you hadn’t been able to get out of going to the show that he was performing at. You didn’t respond for a few seconds and you were grateful that everybody was too stoned to keep up with your awkward conversation.

“It was… you guys were very..” You trailed off when you saw the expectant look on his face and you cleared your throat a bit, eyes darting down to the double piercings going through the thin skin of his lips and then back up to his eyes. “It was cool.”

“Just cool?” His lip was curling softly up into a half smirk at your extremely vague answer, shifting in his place on the couch so he was facing you better and you tried not to be extremely weird about the fact his arm was resting on the back of the sofa now and therefore his hand was dangling on the other side of your shoulders.

“Super cool?” You offered in a squeaky voice, wincing as your shoulders curled in on themselves.

He laughed softly at your answer and you were relieved that he found it somewhat funny and wasn’t totally offended that you didn’t have a string of compliments prepared for him. You did like the show much more than you thought you would and if you were able to get ahold of yourself, you would’ve told him how impressed you were as you watched him play.

But you weren’t that lucky and you knew you’d be stuck giving him half true statements that didn’t actually show how you truly felt about the set, turning your head back to face forward so you didn’t have to look at his face anymore.

You weren’t exactly sure why he had come to talk to you out of everybody in the room, knowing he was obviously a lot closer to his band mates and had even hung out with your male friends a few times from your knowledge in group settings. Joonie had told you that she thought the two of you were a bit similar considering he was also rarely at social events but you highly doubted the comparison considering the way he looked performing in front of an adoring and expectant crowd.

Still, you thought about the way he hung back at the end of the final song instead of interacting with the fans like the other members had and the fact you hadn’t been surprised when he wasn’t present in the basement at first.

“Are you two actually talking to each other or just sitting in weirdo silence?” Your head was picking back up to look over at Heejin who was sitting on the other side of the couch, next to Heeseung but leaning far enough away towards Jake and Jungwon that they didn’t touch at all.

You didn’t need to look at her to know who she was referring to but your stomach dropped a little when you met her gaze and confirmed she was referring to you, the others in the room also looking over considering her statement.

Heejin was in no way mean to you and she was actually your longest friend out of the group, knowing her since middle school which meant she was around to watch your social decline. She made jokes sometimes or pushed you too far out of your comfort zone but you always took it as her way of trying to help you loosen up like she knew you could, always stopping whenever you got visibly too overwhelmed or uncomfortable.

You weren’t sure if it was the presence of people she admired or the buzz of a high settling over her that caused her to make the comment but it clearly crossed a line the two of you had silently established throughout the years, your face dropping at the unwanted attention.

“Heeseung is the master of weirdo silence.” Jake was adding on from the floor again and you could hear him giggling nonsensically, sitting up so you could see his head past the ottoman and frown at him.

“Yeah well I’d rather talk to..” Heeseung was starting harshly before trailing off and glancing over at you with a raised eyebrow. You paused for a few seconds and stared at him in confusion but realizing he was waiting for you to tell him your name, quickly whispering it to him and trying to ignore the small smile he gave you before turning back to look at the others. “I’d rather talk to Y/N than you deadbeats.”

The boys in the room were breaking out into small fits of laughters and instigating choruses of “Oo’s”. Fanning their hands out like they’d been burned and only settling down when Heeseung was rolling his eyes and sinking further into the couch.

Luckily they all seemed to let it go after that even though you were still left with a deeper pit in your stomach because of Heejin’s random dig at both you and Heeseung, roping him in to your anti social behavior and giving his own friends the opportunity to pile on top of it.

You were glancing over at him again from the corner of your eye, hesitantly shifting to try and catch his attention again. His gaze was snapping back to your face when you moved slightly and his eyebrows raised in question again, a lot softer than they had been when he was asking for your name and snapping back at your friends. You watched the way the metal balls surrounding his eyebrow stretched with the movement before licking your dry lips and speaking.

“Thanks.” The word slipped from your lips in a small breath and once again you felt disappointed that it was all you had managed to say, wishing you were able to express your gratitude to him more.

He didn’t seem to mind and his shoulders were lifting in a small shoulder, watching you curiously. “It’s no big deal. I don’t talk much either.”

“Even though you do all… that?” You were asking before you even processed the question falling from your lips and he looked equally surprised as you that you were continuing the conversation without needing prompting.

“Like perform?” His voice was lower now as you started to talk more and you had a feeling he didn’t want the others to listen in and find a way to intervene again. You gave him a soft nod, grateful he had understood your vague wording. “It’s different, I don’t really think of it like that. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m there in front of all those people.”

If you’d heard him say that last week or even this morning, you would’ve not fully understood what exactly he was trying to explain to you. Even now you were still a bit confused on what exactly the feeling was like but you immediately understood what he was referring to, remembering the way he was closing his eyes and leaning with the music like he was in his own world.

You must’ve fallen silent for too long as you were thinking about it and what that could possibly be like, how it would feel to live a life with that sort of overwhelming passion, because he was clearing his throat and shifting again.

“It’s like… well what do you do?” He was starting to try and find an analogy, assuming you didn’t understand and you froze up at the direct question.

“What do I do?” You were repeating back to him for clarification and he nodded earnestly, waiting to hear your answer. “I don’t think I really do anything.”

He seemed taken back by that and you were slightly embarrassed that you’d failed to answer his question properly. You’d thought about it before, being at the age where you should have something you were passionate about or a hobby that motivated you in some way.

You never really did much of anything on your own and you’d yet to find anything that gave you that sort of spark he’d be referring to, the type of spark that would cause you to do what you loved even if it meant pushing yourself past your limits or standing on a stage like you were born for it.

“What are you doing this weekend?” He was suddenly rushing out and your eyes widened in surprise again at the fact his voice had come out much louder now, like he’d forced himself to say it. You didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then you were shaking your head to signal that you weren’t doing anything set in stone. “Come to our next show.”

“To your show?” You were repeating in bewilderment and he was nodding his head quickly as he scanned over your face hesitantly, wondering if you were going to reject him. Eventually you were biting the inside of your cheek after contemplating for a while and glancing at him. “O-okay.. yeah sure.”

——

“Y/N, the phone for you.” Your mothers screaming voice was floating up the stairs and you groaned softly into your pillow, laying on your stomach and overthinking the events of the previous weekend like you had been for days.

It was pretty uneventful after your conversation with Heeseung, both falling into a silence or offering small laughs and quick glances as you listened to your friends talk and get to know each other better. He must’ve been telling the truth about not talking much because nobody looked over at him once expectantly although you noticed his band mates keeping an eye on the two of you occasionally.

Eventually you and your friends had left the basement and the pink haired boy had spared you a quick wave through the window as the taxi pulled off.

You’d listened to your friends excitedly talk the entire way back to your neighbors and pry you for details about what you’d been talking about with him, not noticing the bitter expression on your face when you noticed how surprised they seemed that he’d chosen to speak to you.

Now it was Thursday and you were thinking about it all again, replaying it over and over and finding something new to be embarrassed about each time you did. Heeseung was surprisingly soft spoken and slightly awkward considering his appearance but you knew it held no parallel to how terrible you were at socializing.

“Y/N.” Your mom was screaming again and this time you rolled over as you groaned, letting it fill the room before you were getting off your bed and heading down the stairs.

Your mom was standing there with the phone in her hand, watching you with an excited expression and your face was pulling forward in confusion as your steps hesitantly slowed to a stop. “It’s a boy.” She was whispering and pointing at the phone with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

You were snatching the phone away from her and walking around the corner into the hallways, stretching the chord as far as it could possibly go and waving a dismissive hand at your mom when she was poking her around the corner in curiosity.

“Hello?” You were breathing into the phone and it was a heavy silence for a few seconds before you could hear somebody clearing their throat on the other side.

“Hey Y/N, it’s Heeseung.” He was announcing and you froze up at the sound of his soft voice coming through your speaker, clutching the phone tighter in your hand and shifting it against your ear. “Um.. like the guitar guy.”

You were laughing softly at the fact he felt the need to specify, most likely growing nervous from your extended silence. “I know who you are Heeseung.”

“Cool… yeah cool.” He was breathing back and letting out his own nervous laugh, a small smile building on your face at how awkward he seemed now. You liked how different he was in each setting, confident and sensual on stage and casual and calm when surrounded by his friends in a familiar area. Now you were seeing what he was like on his own, mirroring a personality similar to yours.

“D-did you need something?” You tried to keep your tone light so he didn’t think you were bothered by the fact he had called despite your confusion over how he’d gotten your number or what exactly he wanted.

Your heart was racing slightly as you listened to him inhale over the phone, feeling a bit ridiculous over your own reactions but you couldn’t help but think about his soft pink hair and the piercings your mom would definitely disapprove of. She glared at Heejin’s bare skin every time she came over during the summer so you couldn’t imagine her reaction to seeing Heeseung’s group of friends.

“I was just calling to make sure you were still going to the show and Sunghoon said I should tell you to bring your friends.” He was explaining in a low tone and you could hear shushing in the background, your smile widening at the realization he was around some of his friends. “I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to convince Heejin to give him a tattoo but it would be safer anyways with more people.”

“Alright, yeah we’ll be there.” You were telling him back swiftly and you surprised yourself by how naturally it came out of your mouth, no stutter or hesitation.

“Cool.” You could almost hear the smile in his voice as he said the word again, almost repeating it like he did the first time but seemingly catching himself before he did. “I’ll see you there then?”

“Yeah… yeah you will.”

——

“So he like directly invited you.” Riki was asking for the sixth time that night and you sighed softly when he was bumping his elbow into your arm with a smile on his face, clearly excited about the recent development in your life.

“Is it that surprising?” Your tone was stiff along with your posture, somehow once again finding yourself in a cold line outside of a random concert venue downtown.

“Not at all Y/N.” Sunoo was quickly interjecting once he realized you were taking offense to their over excitement, offering him a small tired smile due to his habit of trying to make you feel better. “We are just happy for you.”

You were about to remind him that there was no reason to be happy or excited and that you and Heeseung had just gotten along, nothing else, but you were interrupted by the staff who was checking tickets approaching your group. You watched as he took a look at Riki’s and then his school ID, promptly marking his hand with a solid black X before he was turning towards you expectantly.

He was looking at your ID with a bored expression but before he was able to hand it back to you and give you a similar marking, he paused and did a double take as he looked at the words. “Y/N? You’re on the list.”

“The list?” Your voice was soft in confusion and buried under the sound of your friends excited squeals and laughters, feeling Joonie’s hands come up to squeeze your shoulders and shake you softly.

You weren’t understanding what was happening until you were being moved forward, hearing Heejin clarify that you all were allowed early entry before she was smiling brightly and practically caring you with the rest of them as you entered the venue ahead of everybody else. You felt a flush come up to your cheeks when you realized that Heeseung had clearly mentioned you to the staff of the building and that’s why you were currently skipping the line and heading towards the back of the venue.

It was a different place than last time, bigger and seemingly more concert specific in comparison to the bar you were at last time.

The staff member was leading you down a hallway until you were stopped in front of a door with chipping paint, a piece of paper stuck to it with tape and the bands name in big sharpie letters. You smiled softly at their names all scribbled around the bold font, knowing they must’ve stuck it outside themselves as a mock dressing room.

You felt a wave of anxiety rush up with the employee was knocking on the door twice before turning to head back outside and control the growing crowd but you didn’t have any time to panic before it was being thrown open.

“You came.” Heeseung’s eyes were wide as he looked down at you in surprise and you were parting your lips to answer him before your friends were impatiently pushing into the room, practically shoving you forward into him.

He helped steady you when you made a small noise of surprise and you were glancing up at him in embarrassment, face undoubtedly red considering he was holding onto your arms even once your feet were flat on the ground. “You look…”

You felt overwhelming self conscious when his gaze was dropping down, scanning over your outfit and body before meeting your eyes again. You’d mistakenly let Heejin and Joonie dress you after they practically spent two hours begging, remembering how awkward you felt being improperly dressed last time.

It felt even worse to be in clothes you weren’t at all used to or comfortable with and you couldn’t tell what Heeseung was thinking just based off his expression.

“It looks really good.” He was breathing out finally and you felt a wave of relief at his statement, and then self judgment for caring what he thought in the first place. “Are you sure you’ll be comfortable though? I have a sweater you can wear.”

You froze up slightly as he continued to speak to you in a calm voice, somehow sensing your anxiety over the outfit despite only speaking to you a few times. You were half flattered that he cared enough to lend you some clothes and half humiliated that he could tell you didn’t normally wear things like this.

He must’ve seen outfits like this on hundreds of girls every time he had a show, knowing half the crowd would be dressed similarly to you but wearing it with a confidence and aura that you severely lacked. You didn’t have an overwhelming presence like Heejin or an alluring personality like Joonie and you’d always felt bland in comparison.

You were awkwardly glancing around the makeshift dressing room and pleased to see your friends and the band engaging in their own excited conversations and not paying you any mind.

Then your gaze was landing on one of the mirrors across the room and you were freezing up when you caught sight of you and Heeseung, still standing closer than you’d thought you were with his hands touching your arms. You almost didn’t recognize yourself for a second and despite how awful the clothes felt against your skin, you couldn’t deny that you looked good standing next to him and his similar aesthetic.

“I’ll be alright.” You were turning back to him to answer his question definitively and you tried to hold eye contact with him for a second, easier considering his hair was falling into his face again.

He was wearing eyeliner like he had been the first time you’d seen him outside the venue but it was a lot bolder and messier this time, making his eyes even bigger than they already were but completely changing his energy and appearance in comparison to the version of him you’d seen in his basement.

“Are you nervous?” You weren’t sure why that was the next thing you said to him but his eyes lit up when you whispered the question, staring up at him with wide eyes and saying it so softly he almost didn’t catch it underneath the loud crowd in the distance and your friends behind him.

“I’m excited.” He was responding back and you knew he meant it, no sign of apprehension or hesitation on his face.

You’d never seen somebody look as intense as Heeseung did when he talked about performing, his entire demeanor changing from the awkward boy who you’d been speaking to, almost seeming unsure of himself after every sentence. He didn’t even seem to think at all when he spoke about music or being on stage and you watched him curiously as he rambled on about how it felt to be up there.

You figured he probably knew you wouldn’t ever be able to understand what he was talking about unless you did it yourself but you still felt giddy that he wanted to explain it to you.

He talked about it until another team member was poking his head in to let the boys know that soundcheck was about to start and then the doors would open, also being you and your friends queue to go and get spots in the front row.

“I’ll see you out there then?” He was smiling down at you and giving a gentle squeeze to your arm that he was still holding, your own breaking out on your face despite trying to withhold and you gave him a small nod of approval before he was disappearing out the door after the others.

Your friends were obviously excited for having caught the end of your interaction and although you rolled your eyes as they begun to tease you, you couldn’t rid yourself of the bright grin you were catching between your lips and you started to head back out into the hallway and towards where the crowd would be standing.

You felt okay for now but you were starting to get more and more anxious at the realization that soon the mass of people would surge inside towards you and you’d be stuck in your place against the barricade, white knuckling it as you contemplated heading to the back of the venue and watching from there instead so you wouldn’t embarrass yourself by having a panic attack right in front of the band.

“You know..” Heejin was leaning in against your side to whisper into your ear and you felt her hand squeezing your side affectionately. “Jake said that Heeseung’s never invited anybody to a show before.”

She was pulling away just in time to see your eyes widen in surprise, followed by your face flushing a bright red at the knowing look she was giving you. “Not even his family?”

You knew that the bands music wouldn’t necessarily be everybody’s personal taste, especially those of an older generation, but you couldn’t help but feel slightly confused that he wouldn’t ever ask anybody to come watch him perform. He was clearly proud of what he had created and more passionate than anyone you’d met before.

“It’s just him and his dad I guess.” She was shrugging softly and glancing up at the stage as she spoke. “Apparently he’s a huge hard ass about him doing music.”

Your face was falling into a small frown at what she was saying but you didn’t have a chance to respond before the lights were shutting off and immediately being replaced by the same red ones the other venue had put on for their set, hearing the sounds of the doors opening and feet swiftly approaching the stage.

Anxiety was immediately building up as you were getting more and more constricted in the crowd but you felt slightly better knowing your friends were around you, feeling Riki not so subtly shift his position so he was stood behind you and you weren’t going to be subject to any stranger pressing into your body.

You were going to turn and give him a grateful smile but you were cut off by the sounds of the crowd screaming louder than you’d ever heard, confused on what was causing it before you realized the boys were already coming out onto the stage.

They were only silhouettes at first without the spotlights turned on but you could tell it was Sunghoon who had ended up directly in front of you, glancing across the stage to see Heeseung on the other side beside Jungwon again like he had been the other weekend.

Then the lights were coming on, soft enough to keep the red glow but illuminating each member and their instruments. You smiled widely and couldn’t help the scream that leapt from your throat, joining in with your friends and the rest of the crowd as excitement started to fill you. You’d never been in a setting like this before and you were quickly understanding why it was so addicting.

You were already watching Heeseung from the moment he stepped on stage so you definitely didn’t miss the way his eyes were scanning the front section of the crowd, only settling once they passed by you before quickly backtracking as a smile curled up on his lips.

Jungwon was starting to speak into the mic and introduce them like you’d heard him do last week but you were preoccupied, watching the pink haired boy and giving him a small nod of acknowledgment with a soft smile.

Then the show was starting and you quickly realized that what you had seen last time was nothing in comparison to actually being in the crowd, an energy taking over you that you didn’t even know you possessed. You were dancing along with Heejin and gripping Sunoo’s arm in excitement as he screamed and sang along, all the while keeping your eyes on Heeseung.

He was almost like a completely different person on stage, more than just his energy considering the fact even his gaze was new to you. He was a lot more intimidating when he was staring down at you with hooded eyes, the eyeliner more smudge now and thankfully distracting you from the skillful way his fingers moved along the guitar strings.

It was hard not to think about him to the level you’d been trying to deny when he was looking at you for almost the entirety of the show, seemingly checking on you when the crowd got particularly wild and at other times almost looking smug because of how transfixed you seemed. His lip would curl into a cocky smirk that you didn’t even think he could manage and you’d feel your heart thump alive in a way it never had before.

You spent the next few months following this exact routine with him.

Every week, in the middle of it or sometimes as early as the day after a show, he’d call your house and your mom would yell your name up the stairs. He’d softly invite you to the next show and you’d excitedly tell him that you’d be there, despite knowing he already knew the answer and you knowing he just liked to hear you say it.

Sometimes you’d take your friends with you but eventually you got comfortable enough to go by yourself, you’d be let in early with a small smile to the bouncers and you’d always ask him the same question before he got on stage.

“Are you nervous?” You’d say for the dozenth time even though you knew by now that he wasn’t but every single time his eyes would light up with that fire and passion that you’d been so sucked in by and he’d always repeat the same words back in the same tone.

“I’m excited.”

Heeseung liked it best when you came to his shows so you did it every weekend you were free, even when you’d get too overwhelmed and have to sit in the dressing room or behind the stage if it was available, he just liked knowing you were there to see him and he expressed it to you every single time.

You got closer over that time outside of watching him play too, taking longer to get over that awkwardness you both carried outside of the venues when the adrenaline died down but eventually you’d stopped hanging out solely within your respective groups and started to spend some time alone together.

He’d pick you up in his shitty run down car and your mom would glare at him from the living room window, watching his hair go from pink to blue then to a red that had taken you back a few steps with its brightness when you’d first seen it.

“That’s.. a strong choice.” You’d said after you buckled your seatbelt and you were reaching forward to run your hand through it before you even had a second to think about it.

“My dad hates the color red.” Was all he had responded with and you watched the side of his face as he smiled softly and put the car into drive.

Heeseung wasn’t the most stable person to be around at times but you eventually realized that you’d never felt as comfortable taking up space as you did when you were with him, an addicting feeling that you almost had no choice but to lean forward into and you were thankful that he was always around to catch you.

You’d sit in the basement with the boys as they practiced new songs and Jake had even attempted to teach you to play some songs on the guitar, going to him for help because it felt less intimidating than asking one of the actual guitar players.

It was somehow easy to mesh into their routines and hobbies despite how different you were than them and your most fun high school memories all featured your old friends and new ones hanging out together, all packed into booths at late night diners after a particularly good show or getting makeshift tattoos from Heejin in the familiar basement that you’d spent most of the year in by the time graduation rolled around.

Heeseung was a year older than you and already graduated before you’d met him but he’d made sure to attend and watch you and your friends walk, minus Riki who still had a year left.

You’d all rushed out of the ceremony hall and squished in his car so you could drive across town and watch the rest of his friends at their own school, cheering for them all in your different colored graduation gowns and ignoring the embarrassed look on Jungwon’s face when he gave his class president speech at the beginning.

There were a lot of highs but it all came with lows too and those took you longer to adjust to.

You weren’t exactly sure how to handle it when Heeseung would show up at your house late at night, sometimes bleeding from various places on his face or panting like he’d run all the way there. You’d quickly pull him inside and ignore your moms questioning shout asking who was at the door.

Eventually you had sat her down after dinner and told her that sometimes Heeseung had issues with his dad and he didn’t have anywhere else to go, which was a slight lie on your part but you knew it felt true to him considering he never considered any other options before heading in your direction even if it was across town and a lot less welcoming than one of his friends houses.

She never was a big fan of him, of any of your friends but especially him, despite the gentle way he always said hello to her upon entry and his countless attempts to get on her good side. You’d tried to explain to him that it wasn’t anything personal or anything he was doing wrong and it was just how your mother was but he seemed particularly upset about it despite normally not caring what people thought of him.

“It’s your mom, it’s different.” He was stressing his words to emphasize that it was because she was related to you that it mattered to him and you were furrowing your eyebrows and turning to look at him.

You were sat on your bed together, two months before it happened, and sharing a pair of headphones that was playing a scratchy demo of a song he’d been working on. You were popping the tape out of the device so it would stop abruptly as you sat up a little bit to be able to see his face better.

“Why do you say stuff like that?” You were asking him and he sighed softly like he always did when you begun to pry for answers regarding his behavior towards you.

Despite the way you felt around him and the fact you’d practically become inseparable in the summer following graduation, you’d never directly talked about what your relationship was or even crossed a line that would definitely give you an unspoken answer. Outside of some longing glances and hands resting a little too low on your back, you’d remained pretty platonic other than your own inner thoughts and emotions.

“Don’t know.” He was mumbling softly as he looked at you and you squinted your eyes at him in disbelief but eventually you sighed and shifted back so you were resting against your headboard again, shoulder pressed into his tightly.

When it finally happened, you pretty much assumed that your life was going to abruptly end.

The boys had been growing in popularity now that they were out of school and able to do music full time, still underaged but building enough connections with the local music scene and venues to be able to play more frequently and to older and grittier crowds.

Mixed with the rise of the internet and MTV music videos filled with long haired rockstars and half naked women, it didn’t take long for their talents to get noticed by a few different people who swore they were from the next big company and could guarantee to make Echoes of Riot each millionaires respectfully, offers that were all swiftly turned down by Heeseung (with the advice of Sunoo who had begun to fill a management like role within the group).

You’d never paid much mind to what stardom would mean for the boys despite believing to the deepest part of your heart that they deserved it and were more talented than most the people you heard over the radio. For some reason, some childish idiotic reason, you figured they’d spend the rest of your lives being teenagers playing in bars around your small hometown.

Then one night after a particularly long show, all the boys panting and sweaty as they headed back to their dressing rooms, a man had approached them similarly to the way others did almost nightly.

You knew right away that something was different this time and your friends did too, watching silently as the group stopped in their steps towards the back rooms and actually begun to pay attention to what the man was saying. Heeseung’s eyes were flickering up to yours and you raised your eyebrows at him from where you sat at the bar, shifting out of your seat when he beckoned you closer with a quick flick of his fingers.

The rest of your friends followed you and all of you made your way back to the rooms with the band and the man.

He didn’t seem at all bothered by the additional people in the room as he started to repeat his pitch behind closed doors and your heart started to clench nervously when you realized why he seemed so different.

Min Yoongi actually cared about the music quality and spreading a proper message through your work and performances, opening his monologue with descriptions of how he felt hearing and watching the videos Riki had been posting online of the group and you watched as his eyes twinkled with a passion you’d only ever seen before from the boy sitting next to you.

His hand was resting on your arm and draping over your shoulder on the couch but he couldn’t have been further away from you in that moment, holding onto every word Yoongi was saying and leaning forward occasionally to enthusiastically agree with something he was saying.

It was a jarring change after seeing him barely give the other music people a second of his time for the last few months but you understood that they had this connection you simply weren’t capable of understanding, a mutual trust built through having the same dream and passion and by the end of the first meeting, even without anything even halfway confirmed, you knew things were going to change from then on out.

Yoongi didn’t have a lot of money to invest into the boys but he was dedicated to promoting them and helping them with levels of production you’d only get with decades of experience, upping their discography to even higher levels and it wasn’t long before he was proving himself right.

“Tour?” Your voice was breaking around the word Heeseung had just said, continuing his sentence afterwards but you hadn’t heard a thing he’d said after that, your ears ringing as your face paled. “You’re leaving?”

He was faltering at the unexpected upset in your voice and you would’ve felt guilty for not matching his level of enthusiasm but you couldn’t help the wave of panic overwhelming you as you continued to try and process what he was saying.

“Hey, hey Y/N listen to me.” His voice was soft and you could feel his hand reaching forward to touch and cup your cheek, softly swiping his thumb over your smooth hot skin and shifting on the bed so he was closer to you. “It would only be for a few months, then I’d be coming back. We’d all be coming back.”

You’d somehow not processed the fact that going on tour meant the other boys would be also leaving with him and another wave of sickness swept over you at the realization you’d be losing most of your friends in one swoop, the most constant and positive thing in your entire life since you’d met them.

“I don’t want to leave, baby you know I’d never just leave.” He was quickly continuing when he realized he’d made it worse and your eyes shot up to him at the use of the pet name falling from his lips so casually despite never hearing it directed towards you before. He didn’t even seem to notice that he had said it and he was continuing on despite the surprise on your face. “But… I mean this is it.”

His words were vague but you knew exactly what they meant.

This was the end of the road for the life you’d been so happily living because despite how content and happy you were watching them play small and intimate shows, Heeseung had this hunger for more that would never be satisfied in a place like your hometown.

He didn’t mean to break your heart of course and you were definitely at fault for stupidly falling in love with a rockstar, falling victim to the oldest cliche in the book as you sat at the bus station and cried into Joonie’s shoulder. You watched as their tour bus got further and further out of sight before it was turning a corner and disappearing with all of them on it.

Things were the roughest they’d ever been for the first few months the boys were gone.

Your typical routine had been shattered and you were back to existing like a corpse, moving around from one task to the next with no real excitement or purpose. You’d never necessarily gained one but being around somebody as passionate and driven as Heeseung was like getting a secondhand high and you’d been riding the wave of his interest for the last year, now alone out at sea and stuck scrubbing the counters of a coffee shop in the small downtown area of your city.

You tried to write for the first month or two but eventually it got too hard for you to handle and you started to let Heeseung’s letters pile up. He’d still call your home phone but your mom stopped letting you know when he did and sometimes you’d hear her softly telling him that you weren’t feeling good and she’d have you call back later. She never brought it up and neither did you.

He’d call Heejin and Riki too and sometimes you’d hear his voice when you were talking to Sunoo on the phone. He’d went with them on tour after Yoongi had asked him to be their official team manager, giving him more time to handle the business side of things while Sunoo dealt with their personal schedules and issues. You’d listen to your friend lie and say he was talking to his sister and you’d thank him softly as he sighed and asked why you couldn’t just talk to your shared friend.

You didn’t know how to explain that Heeseung was something you needed to get clean from and hearing from him in small doses would make it ten times harder for you to function.

It was too much to say that his letters kept you awake all night crying as you read about how much he missed you followed by random sketches and song lyrics he was writing about you. They wouldn’t understand why you dropped a full plate of food the first time you heard them on the radio at work or why you stayed up all night to see their first actual interview on TV.

Eventually people stopped mentioning the band to you or at least spoke like the main guitarist and face of the group didn’t exist. It was easy enough to avoid for the first six months and then the articles started to roll out.

The boys hadn’t come home after their first tour and they were “temporarily” staying out in New York where there was more of a network and better opportunities. Part of you was grateful Heeseung hadn’t moved back to town, knowing you’d run into him eventually but you couldn’t stop thinking about him regardless considering the news being put out with his name on the headlines.

“That’s his third fight this week Sunoo.” You were spitting over the phone, balancing it between your shoulder and ear as you aggressively scrubbed at a dish that’d already been clean for the past few minutes. “Aren’t you supposed to be keeping them in check?”

“You don’t think I’m trying Y/N?” His voice was exhausted and desperate and you felt bad immediately for snapping at him, knowing your real anger didn’t result from him. “I have no idea what to do, I’ve never seen him like this.”

All the boys had been subject to some controversy as they continued to gain quick fame and admirers but like always, your brain was laser focused on Heeseung. He was getting into drunken fights routinely and being reported with multiple women who may or may not be fans who like to kiss and tell, photos of him and the other boys looking worse and worse each passing weekend as their rockstar lifestyle truly blossomed into an absolute disaster.

Eventually you started to find yourself ignoring the news again, becoming accustomed to it and already knowing what it was going to be every time Riki sighed entering your job and slid a magazine in your direction.

Three years passed like this and while you had stopped crying every night from how much you missed Heeseung and your other friends, if you could even consider them that considering the lack of communication over the years, you still felt that empty feeling in your skin as you robotically went about your routines and lifeless activities that didn’t hold any real purpose or grand result.

At the end of the third year, stretching into a point where you’d been away from Heeseung longer than you were ever with him, Heejin had told you that the band was back in town.

She’d called you and hesitantly let you know that she had run into Jay at the local grocery store a few hours ago, citing that she hadn’t thought much about it until she was back at her tattoo shop and thinking about you possibly running into one of the boys for as long as they stuck around this time. You’d thanked her for the heads up and then buried your head into your arms in upset, both at how little distance was between you and Heeseung and also regarding the fact Sunoo hadn’t even bothered to tell you they were around.

Half of you expected it, knowing you weren’t teenagers anymore standing in a cold concert line and he didn’t owe you any update on his whereabouts, clearly not telling Heejin either considering her shock upon seeing a familiar face.

Joonie however seemed to know all about it when you hesitatingly mentioned it over lunch with her and Riki after he’d asked you why you seemed so on edge. “Well it’s been on their tour show list for like four months.”

“And you didn’t think to tell anyone?” Riki was voicing your thoughts before you could and his face was curled up in annoyance and betrayal as he shoved a fry into his mouth, clearly just as caught off guard as you and hurt considering he’d also gotten close to the members before they’d left and he was friends with Sunoo for as long as you.

“You always tell me not to talk about them in front of Y/N.” She was whining out and you glanced at the younger boy who looked slightly sheepish as she said something he clearly meant to keep private.

She wasn’t necessarily wrong and you’d grown to realize being around her was going to be hard considering how big of a fan she remained of the band even after their decline into scandal, simultaneously acting like any other fan girl and somehow also constantly bragging to others about how she knew them personally before they’d blown up. Maybe she had mentioned their return at some point but it’d been years since you started to tune her out.

“So they’re not staying?” You were finally speaking again, your voice weak and curious and she gave you a knowing look before nodding and patting your hand.

You weren’t sure why you felt overwhelmingly disappointed that they’d eventually leave again despite the fact you planned to spend the entire time they were here avoiding them and hiding out in your apartment. It was probably for the same reason she was giving you a pity filled look and Riki was picking at the skin around his nails.

It only took a few days for Joonie to push the limit on how much of her interest in the band you could take, answering her late night call to hear her hysterical as she screamed over the sound of passing cars and told you she’d completely stalled on the highway and was going to miss the show.

You told yourself that you began immediately putting on your shoes and grabbing your keys because you were a good friend and you kept repeating it in your head the entire drive to her location, swearing over and over that it had nothing to do with putting yourself closer to Heeseung. Even after her and her two friends had gotten in your car with his face on their tshirts, you swallowed your tongue and promised your heart it wasn’t for any other reason.

It wasn’t because you wanted to see the thousands of fans outside the arena, the show being on the nicer side of town and twenty minutes away from the venues they used to hold small performances for.

They thanked you continuously as you parked and then Joonie was pulling you aside to guilty whisper that you’d need to get your parking validate to be able to leave and return to pick them back up. A wave of nausea rolled over you but you were still convincing yourself you didn’t care so you swallowed your sickness and gave her a tight smile before following them outside the car.

“The booths over there.” She was telling you once you’d gotten inside and she had a wide smile on her face that matched her friends, clutching her ticket and practically beaming with excitement. “So we’ll see you at 11:30?”

“Mhm.” You didn’t trust your voice enough to speak and not give away how you were feeling so you hummed out a response to her question you barely processed before watching them squeal and walk towards the actual check in and entrance.

You rubbed your fingers together anxiously before glancing to your right and sighing seeing the line of people waiting to get their parking validated, teenage girls who looked like they barely could drive mixed in with dads and boyfriends who looked just as exhausted and irritated as you were starting to feel.

For a second you considered just leaving the girls there and asking Heejin or Riki to pick them up afterwards so you could drink yourself delirious and forget you’d ever been this close to the band but your heart clenched thinking about them having to experience the same thing and you told yourself again that you were trying to be a good friend.

You’d been standing in the line for twenty minutes, holding onto your last strand of patience and curiously listening to the fans around you talking about the boys with so much awe and wonderment.

You couldn’t help but smile at some things, hearing them gush about Jungwon’s cheeks or rave about how sexy Sunghoon’s newest guitar was and you felt a bit stupid for the pride filling your chest. You’d been avoiding them and their music, never listening to anything they’d put out in recent years but you felt happy for them knowing they were still igniting that same excitement in people even if they seemed to have lost the passion themselves.

It was almost exactly twenty one minutes later when you were feeling something tap against your shoulder, whipping your head to the side to see who had bumped into you before freezing up completely.

He had a mask on and a hat almost covering his eyes but you knew immediately who it was, eyes widening as you looked at him and then glanced around your surroundings to see if anybody had recognized him too.

“The fans don’t pay much attention to anyone without an instrument.” Sunoo was saying and you could hear him smiling even if you couldn’t see most of his face, breathing out a sigh of relief and pulling him in for a hug before you had a second to think about it.

He accepted it immediately and you were grateful that he wasn’t being distant with you despite the fact that was all you’d shown each other in recent years, melting into your hold as your eyes pricked with tears considering how much taller and thinner he was now. Sometimes when you thought of the boys, they were frozen in time and still teenagers in your head and you felt a bit dizzy as the illusion broke right in front of you.

“How’d you know I was here?” You were whispering out into his chest and then pulling back to stare up at him in amazement, scanning over his covered face.

“Sunghoon saw the hundreds of messages Joonie had sent… she actually had the guts to ask him to pick her up after her car stalled.” He was explaining and you felt embarrassed for your friend even though Sunoo was laughing like it was something funny. You got annoyed with her behavior but she was still your friend and you almost felt offended for her knowing they’d all been laughing at her attempts to reach out, no matter how baseless her connection with them seemed on their side. “We figured that you would’ve been the one to answer her calls.”

“We?” You were asking the second the word fell from his lips and a flash of regret passed over his face. “Do they all know I’m here?”

“Except for him.” He was explaining and you felt his hand squeezing your arm to try and calm you down, a flash of familiarity running through you at the feeling despite slowly recognizing the boy in front of you less and less. “But I imagine one of them is going to slip up sooner or later.”

You were nodding in understanding but your heart started to thump with anxiety and you were grateful that the arena was so full, hoping Heeseung wasn’t dumb enough to run out into a waiting room of fans to try and see you.

“I have to go.” You were practically forcing the words out and your face was pulling into a grimace as you said them, feeling short of breath and dizzy as your past and present finally started to collide despite your years of effort. “Can you…”

You were gesturing towards the parking validation ticket in your hand and he glanced down at it before looking back at your panicked eyes and nodding softly, squeezing your arm one more time before he was taking it and giving you the go ahead to get out of the arena before your chest exploded.

You didn’t know exactly what to say to him, you weren’t sure if this was a see you later or another long term goodbye and he seemed to be thinking the same thing, nodding again when you smiled sadly at him and took a few steps backwards.

Nearly losing your footing as you turned around, you were dizzyingly making your way out of the arenas main center and pushing back out into the chilled air. Your lungs tried to suck in deep breaths and you hurriedly made your way back to the parking garage but you were failing miserably and you eventually gave up all together, pausing in your quick strides and resting again the building with your eyes shut tight.

It wasn’t at all quiet, fans still gathered outside before the show and traffic beeps and honks as people tried to get in and out of the busy area, but your head felt empty and shut down.

The sound of footsteps approaching you crept into your dizzy brain and you took a deep breath before looking up, somehow already knowing who it was going to be without so much as a glance. He was stopping a few feet away from you when you looked up and your legs felt weaker as you stared at him in silence.

He was wearing a mask and a hat like Sunoo and whilst you’d been disappointed earlier about not being able to see your old friends face, now you were extremely grateful for the coverage. It didn’t help much considering you could still see the most recognizable part of him, his big eyes blinking at you in shock.

“You don’t look that surprised.” Heeseung’s voice was shockingly similar to how it was last time you’d heard it in person, the tone only slightly deeper and the only major change being the lifelessness behind his words as he watched you stand up straight.

He was right, for some reason you weren’t at all shocked to see him in front of you but he was in the same spot as you considering he came to find you in the first place. “Should I be? You’re here aren’t you?”

You heard him scoff softly before he was turning his head to look around the area, handful of fans still wandering around but slowly starting to disperse as they made their way insides to find their seats and buy the merch. He was glancing back at you quickly and then he was reaching up to take his mask off.

He didn’t say anything for a while after he took it off and you just stared at him, scanning over his face and the difference that time had handed to him. His features were a lot sharper now, growing into his nose and ears perfectly and you once again were hit with the reality that you’d been apart for a long time and the boy you knew was long gone.

“Sunoo validated your ticket.” He was starting to speak suddenly, awkwardness seeping into his tone due to your prolonged silent stare and you watched him dig into his pocket to retrieve the crumbled up piece of paper the parking machine had given you. “He got busy so I just brought it out.”

“He got busy?” You questioned and took a step forward away from the building, taking it from him swiftly and wincing when your finger brushed against his. “You’re the one in the band.”

He didn’t say anything to that, clearly lying about why he had been the one to bring the ticket out but making no move to correct himself or attempt to be honest with you. You didn’t really mind considering you were in a similar boat, having no real reason to rest again the building like you had other than buying yourself more time in the area.

“You’re not staying?” He was asking and his voice broke slightly which caused a large frown to form on your face, not sure why he had to even ask considering you both knew you weren’t going to watch his show.

“I’ll be back after to..” You awkwardly trailed off and lifted your hand that was clutching the parking ticket, indicating the reason you were there and watching him carefully. “Are you nervous?”

He tensed up as the familiar words fell from your lips and you felt like the air stopped moving for a second before he answered. He’d heard it asked thousands of times since it last was in your voice in that specific tone but it never bothered him before after the first year.

It was asked genuinely by other people, actually wondering if he was feeling nervous or at times doubting his abilities and using it as a way to get under his skin. Nobody ever made the simple question feel as important as you did and he understood why now that he was older and had plenty of time to think about it. You asked him, not because you thought he was or you figured he wouldn’t be able to handle the stage and the pressure, but because you knew it ignited a fire in him.

You’d ask him just to hear him repeat back in a firm voice how excited he was, to see that passion flare up in his eyes and give him an opportunity to voice some solid self confidence before he got up there to perform.

You knew right away that the phrase brought him back as far in time as it did you but your stomach turned at the blank look on his face, nothing arising to the surface at the triggered memory and instead he almost looked like he was deflating as you stood there.

“I’m just… tired.” He was eventually muttering back and clearing his throat before anxiously scratching at the back of his neck, both of you knowing the weight of his unusual answer and preparing to cripple under it once you were out of the suffocating hold his gaze had on you.

The both of you stood there for a few seconds longer before you could hear the screaming getting louder from inside, his head turning towards the building before looking back at you with a defeated expression. You knew without him saying it that he needed to go and that same feeling you had with Sunoo started to creep up again, not knowing what type of goodbye this was.

“There’s a second show tomorrow.” He was rushing out and then chewing on his lip ring as he avoided your questioning gaze. “You’ll be on the list.”

He glanced at you one more time but he seemed to understand that you weren’t going to give him a definite response, nodding his head in conclusion before he was turning around and jogging back towards the side entrance of the arena.

All the air returned to your lungs once he was finally out of sight and then immediately left again once you broke into a heavy sob, stumbling back a bit before quickly gathering your emotions and trying your best to hold yourself together.

You were quickly wiping your tears and glancing around to make sure nobody had been a witness to your abrupt meltdown, reminding yourself why you were there in the first place and heading back to your car like your world hadn’t just been taken off pause.

——

It had only taken you two seconds after the invitation fell from Heeseung’s lips to decide that you were going to go to the show.

He had said it like it was a question but the look in his eye told you that he didn’t think you’d come, but he still had invited you and that stupid part of you felt like that had to mean something. You’d had Riki pick the girls up from the concert that night and you ignored Joonie’s calls and the countless uploads she’d had from the concert.

You didn’t need to see the boys performing like nothing had happened, like your entire life hadn’t been flipped outside down with just a few sentences from the boy you’d tried your hardest to forget about the past few years.

It was a bit hypocritical considering you were currently back at the same exact place you were running from yesterday, this time walking in the opposite direction of the parking validation booth and awkwardly approaching the ticketing line. You felt like an idiot telling the staff that you were on the list, seeing their annoyed expressions and knowing they must hear it a dozen times a night from fan girls trying to get backstage.

“Nice try but there’s only ever been one name on the list and trust me, that seats never been taken.” The man was talking to you in a bored tone and your heart clenched at the implication of what he was saying.

You wondered if it was something Heeseung had done at the beginning of the tour in case you decided to come to one of the shows but he knew you well enough to know you never would and you certainly would never stride in the place without a ticket expecting to be on the list.

Eventually you figured that he had put you on there with the hopes that one day he’d have the guts to invite you and your heart shattered a bit more thinking about the fact that he never did, never even attempting as far as you were concerned and aware of. You cleared your throat awkwardly and rummaged in your bag to pull out your ID and hand it to the man silently.

His eyes flickered down to it for a second before looking back up at your face and you saw a wave of shock come over him, immediately followed by embarrassment for doubting you in the first place.

You gave him an awkward half smile and then an appreciative nod when he was stepping aside and allowing you to enter the main performance area. You were pausing at the top of the entrance way, eyes scanning over the large arena and feeling a bit sick considering how many seats were there and how few of them were empty.

You were starting to regret showing up and preparing to turn around and head back out before the show started but you were snapped out of your panic when your phone was ringing in your pocket. You were snatching it out in hopes that it was one of your friends trying to calm you down but your eyebrows furrowed when you saw it was an unknown number.

Finger hovering over the decline button, you had half the mind to consider the fact it might be Heeseung and you were answering it and putting it to your ear before you had a second to think about it.

“You actually came.” You immediately tensed up when the voice was filtering through the speaker, different and raspier but you knew who it was from the first word.

“How do you know I’m here?” You were dumbly asking and glancing around you like he was going to be standing in the shadows somewhere, frowning slightly when he laughed into the phone.

“He told them to alert him immediately if you ever showed up.” Jake was saying as an explanation and halfway confirming your suspicions about how long you’d been kept on the list despite never coming or reaching out to them. “And you’re finally here.”

“I’m not staying.” You were saying quickly and a rough edge seeped into your voice, something you hadn’t had last time he knew you but he also hadn’t been so cocky and demeaning last time you spoke to him so you were equal in that sense.

He was sighing softly and you paused at the sound, not expecting him to sound so defeated. You’d spoken to Jake more than the others over the years, only a few times but he had come home once or twice to visit family and it was hard to avoid him considering he actively was seeking you and the others out each time.

You weren’t really sure why he kept coming around and eventually you realized that he didn’t seem to know why either, looking more and more lost and less like himself every time you saw him. Jake was always so carefree and happy to be around that time you’d all spent together, genuinely seeming like he felt lucky for all of you and the music they were making together.

This new version of him was the most jarring to you out of everybody else because he had gotten sad and then he had gotten very very cold, almost angry every time you saw him and always feeling like he was on the edge of snapping.

You imagine that helped him out on the stage and you finally felt like he fit the rough drummer image that had been given to him by fans and media despite never making that connection yourself when you had known him. So to hear him sigh softly hearing that you were planning on leaving before they even performed, you were stopping in your tracks and finding yourself willing to hear him out.

“He doesn’t know you’re here yet and he’s driving himself so insane that he’s sick in the bathroom.” He was saying in a lower tone and you imagined that staff and other members were around him considering how soon the show was going to start. “No one can get him to come out but I have a feeling on who might.”

Tears were filling your eyes as he spoke about Heeseung’s condition but you were shaking your head in denial despite the fact he couldn’t see you, wiping your face with your sleeve before whispering back to him in a shaky tone. “I can’t do this Jake.”

“Please Y/N.” He was quickly retorting back and he sounded so similar to how he used to that you felt floored. His tone was genuine and filled with concern for his friend and you’d almost forgotten what he sounded like when he cared about something. “All these years you haven’t answered him, please don’t leave yet. Atleast get him on stage and then you can go and I’ll make sure he can’t find you for the rest of the time we’re here.”

Your breath was catching at the last half of his rushed statement and you were covering your mouth for a second with a shaky hand. It took you a few breaths to think of what to say and he stayed silent on the other line throughout it.

“Promise me.” You were mumbling out and clutching the device so hard you were worried it would crack, hearing nothing on the other side for a bit as your stomach bubbled with thick anxiety. “Promise me you’ll keep him away from me after this.”

It went silent again and you were almost positive that he had hung up the phone before he was speaking again in a defeated tone. “I promise.”

——

If you had gone back to the week before and told yourself that you’d be standing in a room with all of your old friends, you would’ve probably hid under the counter at work and begged future you to leave you alone.

You were trying your best to not showcase the fact that you were absolutely freaking out and filling with more and more devastation every time one of them spoke in their lifeless and annoyed tones, bickering behind you about the purpose of your presence and debating wether it was a good idea or not to allow you to be the one to try and gather Heeseung.

“He invited her for a reason Hoon.” Sunoo was sighing in your defense but he didn’t seem optimistic about it either, barely sparing you a glance since you walked through the door and anxiously checking his walkie talkie every few minutes to try and update the staff.

“Because he saw her yesterday and it fucked him up, he’s not in his right mind.” Jay was snapping before Sunghoon could answer for himself and you flinched at his loud tone, taking a step back when he was standing off the couch and throwing an arm in your general direction to emphasize that it was your fault.

You were frowning deeply at the accusation, not understanding how it could possibly be your fault that Heeseung was having a melt down especially when they didn’t seem that rare for him, his general anxiety and mental health another constant topic in the tabloids.

They continued to argue and you did your best to tune them out while simultaneously trying to ignore the fact Jungwon was silently staring at you from the corner and Jake was only a few feet away from you with his arms crossed. He hadn’t said much to come to your defense but he was continuously shooting you glances like he was trying to monitor your reactions.

You might as well have been in a room full of amped up strangers, possibly high as they paced and jittered about and a part of you felt like you were grieving now that you knew there would be no way to pretend things were still the same, no more pretending time was frozen and nothing had changed.

“Have any of you been able to calm him down this entire time?” You were suddenly asking from near the wall and it was the first time you’d spoken since you’d gotten in there.

The reaction was immediate and varying from each boy, half of them tensing up and looking more frustrated at the sound of your familiar voice and the others almost instantaneously losing the tension in their shoulders with softened eyes. It was like they hadn’t fully processed you being there until you spoke, talking around you in hypotheticals like you imagined they’d been doing over the years.

You wondered if you were a topic they were supposed to avoid mentioning like Heeseung had become for you. Then you selfishly wondered if they’d missed you at all.

Nobody answered for a while and then Jungwon was shaking his head softly, holding your gaze with a sympathetic look that caused you to nod in understanding. “Isn’t it worth a try then?”

“We have 15 minutes.” Sunghoon was saying in that same cold tone he’d been using but it held some level of defeat this time, slumping back into the couch and saying no form of the objection he had voiced so quickly earlier.

You were being directed to a hallway suddenly by Sunoo and before you could say anything or ask why he was ushering you out, he was hastily pointing to a door and scurrying off back towards the dressing room. You didn’t necessarily need him to explain, hearing the soft sobs and gags coming from behind the door now, but you wished he had given you a bit more time to collect yourself or think of something to say.

You took a deep breath and decided to not stall and try to gather some of the might you had the other night, pushing through the door and pausing once you were on the other side of it.

“If I have to tell you to fuck off one more time I’m going to get everybody in this shitty arena fired.”

Heeseung’s voice was coming from one of the stalls and your entire body locked up at the sound of it, never hearing him quite so angry before but also never hearing him sound so empty and wrecked. He was clearly holding back his sobs now that somebody was in there but you could see one of his leather boots poking into the stall next to his, laying on the floor and most likely clutching the toilet.

You were approaching the plastic door without saying anything and tugging on it softly once you were close to it, your fingers curling around the top of it and pulling it towards you with a small shake.

Heeseung’s words about the arena being shitty weren’t necessarily incorrect considering the lock on the door was immediately budging and it was flying open towards you, revealing you standing behind it to his swollen eyes and allowing you to see his frame curled up on the floor in a sickened despair.

He looked beyond surprised to see you and you were almost worried he was going to throw up again just from the shock of your arrival, his body locking up and then immediately tensing even more when you were taking a reluctant step inside the stall with him. You may have been practically strangers with a heavy history now but you still knew Heeseung better than you knew yourself most days and you felt that same comfort and familiarity as you always did.

So you were sinking to the dirty floor across from him and sighing softly, letting your head lean against the wall of the stall and glancing at him hesitantly.

“You came.” He was finally breathing out and his voice sounded tight because of your close proximity, not necessarily touching but the closest you’d been in almost half a decade. He was struggling to sit up but he eventually managed and stretched his legs out in your direction, both of you sitting in the same position across from each other.

“You invited me.” You whispered back to him with a small sad smile that was slipping away as fast as it came. “I was on the list.”

He didn’t laugh but you could tell he appreciated your attempts to lighten the situation, eyes softening slightly at the way your shoulders raised into a small casual shrug.

“What’s happening Heeseung?” You were asking him but you both knew what it was already and you felt just as sick as he looked as you said his name, almost feeling like a swear word as it fell from your lips naturally. “Why are we here right now?”

“You…” He was pausing as his voice shook and you watched him closely, not missing the way he was avoiding looking in your direction and instead staring down at the shaky hands that were picking at his fingers in his lap. “You stopped answering the letters, you wouldn’t talk to me anymore.”

Your shoulders deflated as he spoke in a hurt voice, clearly being bothered by your lack of communication and not at all understanding why you had done it in the first place. You admit that it was a bit childish on your side to completely cut him off without a final conversation but you knew Heeseung would never just let you go like you needed.

“It was only supposed to be a few months Hee, you said you’d come home and you never did.” You tried to keep your tone less accusatory than his but you were also extremely hurt by what he had done.

You’d spend the entirety of your time with Heeseung making him your source of happiness and that was your first mistake because he was always bound to leave. He was always set after something much bigger than your town could ever offer but you guess a stupid part of you thought that you would be enough for him to stay.

You didn’t want him to give up his dreams, it was the entire reason you fell for him in the first place but you just wished time could stay frozen in that summer.

It’d been years and you still could feel him sitting next to you, never smoking with the others because you didn’t even though you knew he did it when you weren’t around. He was always supporting you like that and even though neither of you ever said it out loud, you knew he loved you too. It wasn’t his fault that he loved music more and you could never compare to the feeling it gave him but you tried your hardest.

Sometimes you thought it was working, when he’d come over after practice and you’d lay together in your backyard with its overgrown grass. You’d feel it tickling against your bare skin when you laughed at a stupid joke he made and rolled in the other direction clutching your stomach.

Other times you were once again hit with the reminder that he was only temporary, you’d see him zone out listening over and over to tracks he’d been producing or his eyes would go wide with amazement any time you went to a show that wasn’t his.

And you were completely right about him being temporary up until now, watching him sit across from you with that broken expression on his face that made you sick every time you locked eyes with him. You weren’t sure what exactly started his decline, you felt guilt for playing a large part in it but you didn’t think it would be much difference if you had stuck around his life anyways.

Maybe you would’ve begged him to come home when he started going to star filled parties, too many drugs to avoid and too much pressure to fit in to not indulge. Maybe you would’ve called Yoongi and demanded for a hiatus, giving you some time to come see him or bring him back home for a week or two to calm him and his system down.

Maybe you wouldn’t have ended up on the dirty floor of a public bathroom where he was vomiting his guts out just a few minutes ago. You could’ve been back in your long grass or pressed next to him on his dads old couch, still just as young and just as silently inlove with the boy with pretty pink hair and eyes so wide and amazed you couldn’t help but drink them in.

“I would’ve stayed.” He was finally forcing out the words necessary to snap you from your thoughts, the words you’d been considering for the past few years. “If you told me to stay I would have in a second.”

“And then what?” You were retorting quickly but your tone was weak and sad instead of bitter and iced over, shaking your head softly and giving him another sad smile and humorless laugh as you considered the option. “We grow old together with you secretly hating me for ruining your dreams, I live with the guilt of making you do that.”

“I could never hate you. Nothing could ever make me hate you, trust me I’ve tried.” His tone was the opposite of yours, aggressive and nasty as he spat out the words like they burned but you knew his anger wasn’t directed at you necessarily.

You let the two of you fall into an unfamiliar silence, giving him time to collect himself before he accidentally said something he’d eventually end up regretting even more than he already was.

He didn’t say anything either and he seemed to understand what you were doing, sighing out a shuttered breath before he was scooting forward across the floor until his knees were knocking against yours. You glanced up at him and your face fell at the exhausted look on his face, leaning forward similarly until you could wrap your hands around his and squeeze them tightly with your thumbs rubbing over his calloused skin.

Heeseung was sucking in a breath at the feeling of you touching him and then he was breaking into small hiccuped sobs that left you feeling heavy and lost on what you could do to help him.

You were letting yourself sink back into the past when you were moving forward even more so you could pull him closer towards you, his upper half practically in your lap now as you cradled his head and softly pet his damp hair that was dyed black now and messily falling into his eyes.

Your own eyes were falling shut and you were resting yourself on top of him, half hugging each other and half just giving up and letting the weight of his body and yours combine into a mess of limbs and heavy sobs. It was making you feel both better and worse, feeling him so close again but not knowing if it was the last time and also holding the knowledge that you’d missed such a large portion of time with him like this.

It wasn’t possible to get back everything you’d missed, it wasn’t possible to rewind and start over and you weren’t sure there was any way to prevent this amount of hurt anyways.

You could’ve asked him to stay with you all those years ago but then you’d never see that light within him again and you know it would always be on the back of his mind, his fingers and heart always aching for more than what you could give him and you’d stay up countless nights regretting making him give that up for you.

Maybe if you had answered his letters, picked up his relentless calls and heard him out when he didn’t come home. He could’ve had a good reason or maybe just hearing him finally say he loved you would be enough for you to handle the impossible distance.

So many what ifs that you’d never get the answer to because you weren’t there and you’d never get back there again no matter how much your heart still held onto the past and your love together.

Instead you were here and this was where the road with him had led you, cradling each other as the crowd cheered for him outside and it fell on your deaf ears. You knew he wasn’t going to let you go and you weren’t going to make him, you weren’t going to make him choose again and you didn’t know if that would be enough this time but you listened to him cry and prayed it would be.

Heeseung sung out a choir of sobs and gasps into your chest and you knew you would stay with him for as long as he needed you too, until his cries died down or your legs went numb.

Until the cheers fell into silence and the fans went home for the night disappointed, at least holding the knowledge that the music would still be there tomorrow.

You still weren’t positive that he was really here with you and he still felt as fleeting and temporary as he did when you first had met him, wide eyed and stuttered conversations. It was only a small flicker of hope and comfort that your love for him was the most permanent thing you’d ever experienced.

And that small flicker was more than enough for you.

[weirdwyvern]

Ryoko Kui cooked in many regards, but ESPECIALLY when she filled the cast of Dungeon Meshi with characters who went through deeply isolating experiences during their formative years & then made possibly The Most Important visual component of the work be "people eating a meal together" (age-old symbol of togetherness)

like just from what I know as an outsider who hasn't properly read through the manga yet, there's:

Laios – ostracized for autistic characteristics + fixation on monsters.

Falin – ostracized/persecuted for "seeing ghosts," to the point that she was sent away to magic school. Additionally, while at school, she didn't really make friends besides Marcille.

Marcille – isolated from peers due to the unusual/inconsistent aging process of half-elves. It's noted that her only close companion throughout her childhood was her dad, who died of old age fairly early on.

Kabru – survivor of a major disaster, adopted & raised by elves. Although his adoptive mom treated him well, general elven treatment of humans seems to be very dismissive, condescending, & othering.

Rin – also raised by elves (i think?), also traumatized at a young age.

Dia – raised in a cult. Self-explanatory, that one.

Kiki & Kaka – adopted & raised by gnomes. Like with Kabru, their adoptive parents (grandparents?) treated them well, but that didn't stop the othering they faced from their peers (if not entirely intentional) for being tallmen; it got to the point that Kaka is now sensitive about having long legs.

Though it didn't happen during his formative years, Chilchuck's divorce definitely counts as a majorly isolating event. I forget the details of Senshi's timeline, but the wipeout of his original party + how he lived alone in the dungeon for years are also worth mentioning, too.

[chrattenthusiast]

Hate - Matthew sturniolo pt2

Authors note: the last part was inspired by all i wanted - paramore !!!!

Warnings- choking, spitting and ofc sex😆

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

The past week had been an agonizing descent into emotional chaos. Each day felt like a struggle to maintain composure as the memory of Matthew, the man you had vowed to hate, occupied every inch of my mind. Simple tasks became a challenge, as your thoughts were constantly hijacked by his presence, even in his absence. Desperate for a distraction, you convinced yourself that avoiding Matthew would be the solution, attempting to dodge him at every turn.

However, your well-intentioned strategy crumbled when Nick and Chris, refused to let you retreat into solitude. Dragged you against your will, they insisted on taking you to a random party, determined to shake you out of your self-imposed isolation. , you found yourself amidst a sea of strangers, the pounding music and swirling lights serving as a temporary escape from the last weekend how he knew every inch of your body, the way he pounded into you and how he always knew how to make you feel good.

Hey, are you listening?" The interruption jolted you back to the present, you replied with a forced, "Yeah, I am," masking the lie behind a half-hearted smile. My attention, however, was fixated on the man in front of me, who seemed oblivious to the fact that his words about his brand new car were falling on deaf ears. As he rambled on, his enthusiasm only fueled your growing irritation. The beer bottle in your hand became a tempting, makeshift weapon.

Glancing around the room, filled with sweaty bodies and the pungent scent of marijuana, you caught sight of Matthew. His gaze, like an invisible thread, connected with yours. His face contorted with a mixture of annoyance and anger as he witnessed the man boldly wrapping his arm around your waist. you couldn't help but smile, realizing that you were successfully getting under Matthew's skin. Testing your luck, you seized the opportunity to escalate the situation further, grabbing the man (whose name you had already forgotten) and planting a kiss on him. To your surprise, he didn't seem to mind; instead, his grip on your waist tightened.

Just as the tension reached its peak, the atmosphere shifted abruptly. The man was forcefully shoved away from you as you turned to see Matthew, his eyes shooting daggers at the now bewildered intruder.

"Bro, what the fuck is your problem" the man exclaimed in confusion as Matt stepped forward menacingly.

"Don’t ever touch her again, unless you enjoy the comfort of a hospital bed." Matt warned with an intensity that sent a shiver down the man's spine.

Stammering, he offered a shaky apology, “I didn’t know she was spoken for”

What a fucking pussy, you thought

Interrupted mid-thought, you found yourself yanked away from the growing crowd that had formed around. Matt's grip on your arm was firm, and as he pulled you away, the chaotic scene behind faded into the background.

“Where are we going Matt” — your left unanswered as he pulls you towards the direction his car.

“Get in” he says bluntly

“No, I’m good” you say

You find yourself pushed against a car, sandwiched between the cold metal and the warmth of Matthew's body pressing against yours. His proximity was unnerving, yet strangely electrifying. "Get in the car, Y/N, or I swear to God, I will spank you so hard you won’t be able to sit for days. You choose," he declared, his voice low and authoritative and of course you couldn't help but smirk at the unexpected threat.

"How chivalrous," you whispered, teasingly testing the boundaries. His response was immediate and filled with a kind of possessiveness you hadn't anticipated. "Only for you, sweetheart, although you seem to not get that. How many times do I need to fuck the shit out of you he began, his frustration evident, "before you understand that I do. not. want to see you with other men?"

“It sounds like you’re upset, aww matthew “ you say mockingly

“Did he really upset you?, Did you not like the way he was touching m-“ you’re instantly cut off when matt wraps his fingers around your neck slightly adding pressure

“Get in the backseat. Now” he whispers against your lips

Weird. Matt never acted impulsively. You instantly obey as his eyes showed a little desperation and you liked that. of course

You quickly slide into the back seat, with Matt following closely behind. Without delay, he seizes the back of your head, pulling you into a passionate kiss that feels both necessary and possessive. You have no complaints.

Tugging at your top in a demanding manner, you raise your hands, but instead, Matt forcefully tears your top in half, planting intense kisses all over your chest. Gripping your ankle, he pulls you into a reclined position.

Lifting your skirt without bothering to remove it, he slides down your panties and tucks them into his back pocket.

his fingers move through your slit back and forth inciting a moan from you, finding your clit he circles it. matt leans backward wanting a full view. wanting this moment engraved in his mind every time he thought of you. you move to palm him through his pants when he pins your hands on the seat. “ just be a good girl for me and sit back”

He inserts two fingers, his cool rings teasing your clit, creating a pleasurable friction. Your hips instinctively sync with his motions,

He tightens his grip around your neck. As he quickens the pace of his finger thrusts, you release another gasp of pleasure.

You try to hold in your sounds, trying to move away from his fingers he adds pressure to his grip around your neck. “where you tryna to go baby?, where’s that good girl that could take it all hmm”

“you were so confident a minute ago, yet you can’t handle my fingers,” he mocks

he decides to add a third finger, curling his fingers hitting that sweet spot he knew you loved.

“matt please “ you’re able to plead in the midst of your moans

“Isn't this what you wanted? I didn't give you enough attention, so you tried getting with someone who couldn’t even get you this wet” he says

you look down at how you were taking his fingers causing you to grow wetter, causing a small wet spot to the leathered seat

"Do you enjoy watching yourself?" he asks, and you respond with a soft whimper.

you’re about to hit that level of release, based on the lack of words being said by you. matt immediately pulls his fingers out earning a protest from you, which he ignores looking at you smugly he takes his fingers covered with your essence putting it to his mouth sucking off your juices he leans down connecting his lips with yours making you taste yourself.

“you taste that?, that’s all me. not him“ he reminds you

“if you wanna cum you’re gonna have to earn it, now take my pants off “ he says voice dripping with dominance

your shaky hands move to his belt unbuckling it. he takes a hold of the belt wrapping it around your wrist. you look at him confused sure it wasn’t unusual for matt to pull a stunt like this —but in public. with his brothers a street away from the both of you. gave you a rush of excitement

he takes of his boxers lining up with your entrance. he decides to tease you further. moving up your folds and without warning slams into you giving you harsh thrusts. giving you no leeway to adjust

you let out the loudest moan which he doesn’t stops. he likes this. he was always a fan of hearing how good HE made you feel

“that’s it, let it all out for me baby” he encouraged

“fuck you” you reply, Disliking how much influence he had on you, a feeling clearly rooted in the fear of experiencing heartbreak.

He clenches your jaw, making you open your mouth, then spits into it. "Swallow," he commands, and you comply, staring at him with lowered eyelashes.

“i know you can’t get enough of me, you’ll always come back to me. no matter how much you try to run away. you always come back. and i’ll make you see that “he replies to your insult.

Thrusting into your hips, he targets that familiar sweet spot, causing your eyes to roll back. His hand travels toward your throat, fully enclosing it. He maintains a firm grip, allowing just enough air for you to breathe, and you moan under the pressure. However, you find yourself struggling to breathe a little.

“ look at me” he says, and you oblige

“there is no one who could ever make you feel like this. i won’t share you with anyone else.”

"Yes, Matt," you cry out, tears welling in your eyes. He gently wipes them away as you continue to gaze at him, your hands clutching the ones he has wrapped around your neck.

“ you wanna breathe?“ he says adding more pressure but making sure he wasn’t inflicting harm onto you

“please ” you beg

“come on this dick if you wanna breathe baby” he says

His fingers rubbed against your clit, bringing you closer to your release, not slowing down his movements, the only intention in his mind was to make you cum. He lifted your legs and placed them on his shoulders, wanting to feel you deeper

Leading to a loss of focus as additional tears flowed down your face.

You're under his influence, absorbing all he provides, making sure to maintain eye contact—aware of his fondness for it, yet fearing he might stop if you looked away. Yet, you found appeal in the peculiar way he gazed at you.

Closing in on your face, he eliminates any personal space between you, driven solely by the desire to prevent your escape from him. Your eyes lock onto the silver metal wrapped around his neck, lightly brushing your face —making your walls squeeze around him tighter.

“ you got this baby, just a little longer for me yeah ”he encourages

his words giving you some sort of confidence you move your hips to meet his rythym aching for that release you were denied earlier. the car slowly moving with the bucking of your hips. and filled with the grunts matt made.

he leans down his lips meet yours, matt abandons your clit, one hand still wrapped around your neck his fingers graze your lower stomach pushing slightly feeling where he was buried deep. a silent laugh escapes his lips “ you feel that don’t you sweetheart do you see how well you’re taking every inch” he mocks clearly still mad over the recent events that took place earlier

“i just did that to make you mad, i don’t want him matt “ you choke out using your limited oxygen to pled your case

“say it then, tell me that you want me and no one else “ he replies

“ i want you and no one else matt” you pled. truth laced with every word that left your mouth

“come for me “ and you do instantly releasing all over his shaft clutching onto his tatted arm. he immediately release his hand that was wrapped around your neck and you take big breath. filling your lungs with oxygen.

he gripped onto your hips, pulling you impossibly close as he comes inside you. subconsciously mimicking your habit in seeking comfort from you as well.

“are you okay.” he asks staring at your neck that had imprints of his fingers. slight guilt washing over him fearful that he might’ve pushed you passed your boundaries.

“i’m okay matt” you scratch his scalp gently to reassure him that you were okay.

A hush envelops both of you, uncertainty filling the air. Neither of you knows what to say next. After months of mutual disdain, you both finally confessed to liking each other.

After minutes of mutual silence, with your eyes lowered and bodies still connected, Matt, buried in your embrace, finally summons the courage to speak. "Did you mean what you said?" he asks.

His words quicken your heart, and as you attempt to lift from under him, he holds you firmly in place.

"Please don't walk away from me.", he manages to say, still catching his breath,

You gaze at him, releasing your grip on his tousled hair, Unable to think coherently.

"You're joking, right? I mean, we hate each other, Matt," you say, aware that your words are a lie. Beneath all the arguing and name-calling, you love him. Yet, you're foolish enough to let fear cloud your judgment.

"please don’t lie to me “ he says

"I'll be straightforward since you're stubborn. You don't want to see me with other people, and neither do I," he says, his voice resonating with honesty.

"So, cut the bullshit and let me be the man you deserve. If you don't want that, I understand. Just please have the balls to tell me, and I'll leave you alone," he says, loosening his grip on your waist.

Testing the waters, you move, and he doesn't stop you. The unspoken tension hangs in the air, awaiting the resolution that could redefine their dynamic.

Allowing him to withdraw, you grimace slightly at the sensitivity. As Matt moves away, defeated, you stare back at him, your heart still pounding from his confession. Despite the tumultuous nature of your relationship, you halt yourself from self-destruction, reluctant to spoil another delicate aspect of your connection with Matt—though delicate might not be the perfect term to describe it.

Gently cradling Matt's face like a fragile porcelain mask, your hands trembling with fear of causing harm. In a tender moment, you press a soft kiss to his lips. That simple gesture speaks volumes, conveying your unspoken desire for him. In that shared intimacy, Matt understands, and what you wanted becomes clear – him.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

@mangosrar @mattsd0ll @christinarowie332 @loveesiren @cabincorematt

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

So the William/Olympics/COVID post struck a nerve. I expected that, but some of the asks are getting viscious so I won't be posting any of that. These are my final comments/responses to the overnight asks.

1. COVID is still really very much a thing. It matters more to some people. It matters less to others. Everyone gets to decide for themselves how to protect themselves and handle it.

2. You can have different risk tolerances for different situations and can change your COVID (or flu or personal security or whatever-it-is-you're-worried-about) awareness/preparedness accordingly. It doesn't make you any less concerned about COVID.

3. Most people don't care how many times you've had COVID and nothing happened. But scientists and physicians do. So tell them all about your COVID experience by joining one of the many scientific studies about COVID. Here's one from Johns Hopkins to get you started. There are others that might even pay you (but you'll have to do your own homework to find those studies).

4. You cannot put out a fire when your water tank has no water, which means there are times when you have to leave the scene to get more water. To put it another way, you cannot take care of your loved ones if you do not take care of yourself as well. William going to football games with his friends and a concert with his elder kids is self care. He needs time to relax so he can fill up his "caretaker" tank to keep supporting Kate, the same way firefighters have to go back to the firestation to fill their tank engines with water and prepare for the next emergency.

5. I think William really did genuinely want to go to the Olympics and had plans to go. Here's the timeline:

Friday, July 26: Paris Olympics Opening Ceremony

Monday, July 29: Adam Peaty tested positive for COVID.

Wednesday, July 31: Daily Express reports that William plans to take George and Charlotte to the Olympics "next week."

Friday, August 2: It's reported that William, George, and Charlotte will attend the Olympics on August 5th. (I can't find the source; either I don't have the right person or the stories have been taken down.)

Saturday, August 3: Peaty is out of isolation and back in the pool.

Monday, August 5: Waleses aren't at the Olympics.

Thursday, October 3: William says that he planned to go to the Olympics until Peaty, a swimmer, tested positive and then he cancelled the plans.

This is all 100% speculation but what I think happened is the Waleses made plans to go, then Peaty tested positive, they remembered COVID was an issue, and Kate backed out but left it up William whether he'd still go. It leaked* and ultimately William decided not to go.

*I'm on the fence about whether this was a genuine leak or a trial balloon. I lean towards "leak" because William doesn't do trial balloons (that's more of a Charles tactic).

6. Kate has never needed or wanted William or KP staff to protect her from media or public criticism. Refusing to let her husband protect her from criticism is not the same thing as William throwing her under the bus to absolve himself of criticism.

7. Criticize William for using COVID as the excuse because he hasn't talked about it since 2021. Don't criticize him for using his wife's health as the excuse because that's...incredibly normal. Who here hasn't used a family member to get out of an invitation or an obligation? If you've done it yourself, or you've let others use you as their excuse, you have no place to be upset when the royals do it too.

(also, William using his wife's health to not work is nowhere close to the perverse depravity that Diddy's parties were. It's not even in the same universe. That anon can rudely stfu before I block them.)

sorry guys. this was longer than I thought it'd be. Happy Saturday!

[dailyadventureprompts]

Villain: Cult of the Earth in Arms

Camped out in remote mines and fortified wilderness compounds, these zealots toil and train and stockpile for a war that may never come, dreaming of the day they will march to glorious victory over their hated foe.. whoever that happens to be week to week.

The cult has many names and supposed patrons: deposed human kings, exiled gnomish geniuses, scornful aspects of dwarven gods. All of these are mere proxies for the cult’s true master Kurtulmak, a bitter god of warfare and mining who takes the form of a kobold who’s ire manifests as poison that dribbles from both his jaw and tailbarbs. 

Like many gods of wicked war, Kutulmak cares nothing for whatever cause his unwitting cultists call him to, feeding instead off of their resentment, suppressed fear, and ever mounting bloodlust. It doesn’t matter whether they are a paranoid militia prepping for a conflict they will never see, or bitter partisans waging guerrilla war against a populace long since seeking peace, they all feed Kurtulmak’s desire for intractable conflict and indelible resentments. 

The cult of the Earth in Arms tends to operate in isolation, pertaining to self sufficiency while raiding, extorting, or fleecing others for what they need. They entrench themselves in an area, filling it with traps and hidden fortifications, while sinking tunnels deep into the earth in search of resources that can help to fill their arsenals. Iron for blades and armour is obviously prized, but copper and tin for cannons and saltpetre for blasting powder are likewise prime targets. Often they will use captives to work these claims and the foundries they feed, as the cultists often consider drugework below the dignity of born warriors such as themselves. 

Adventure Hooks

An uptick in disappearances puts the party on the trail of a slaving operation, funneling bodies into a band of backwoods cultists working a hidden gem mine. After they’ve cleared the bastards out, the party might have the opportunity to make the operation legitimate if they put in the elbow grease and promise the authorities their due. 

The local lord thought he was very clever, operating a hidden foundry out of the old dwarven ruins to produce weapons and artillery in preparation for a campaign against his liege. As it turns out the reason the ruins were abandoned in the first place was because they sat on top of a magical layline, and all the smelting and quenching has attracted the attention of several rogue elementals.  Now there’s a scattering of earth-hulks marauding through the countryside and a team of mephits who’re flitting about with a cannon in tow. 

After suffering a crushing defeat, the general of the imperial army fell back into the mountains, her forces becoming little more than bandits in ensuing years until her scouts came back with news of drakes nesting in the region. Nearly a generation of arduous training and rearing since her defeat, she’s returned to retake the lands she lost with a flight of lesser dragons at her back.. Lands the party just happens to occupy. 

Artsource

[softshuji]

Rindou knows.

He knows you don't mean anything by it when you tell Ran "he looks handsome today" in a pinstripe purple suit, hair gelled and accented by a fresh haircut and a lick of new dye. He does look good, you'd be blind not to know it.

And he's not the type of boyfriend who believes he should control your thoughts, he doesn't want to be. Ran has made an effort and he likes that, that you're able to feel comfortable enough to not hide your thoughts, in a way that would break his heart if you did. It means nothing but a comment made as a gracious host to the love of your life's brother who you love and cherish as a friend.

But he hates that it grates him when you tell Ran this fact, and ran smiles, easy and carefree, cocking his head to the side and says "thank you doll, you look very pretty too." And it's innocent, he knows this.

But he'd be lying if he said it didn't set something off in his chest against his will, an ache, a desperation that borders on insanity. And he's not sure how to deal with it in any way that doesn't mean snapping at you, especially when you've been so attentive and have paid him praise for more than half the evening. He wishes that these bouts of avid jealousy weren't something he circled back to every now and again whenever you praised someone that wasn't him.

And it frustrates him that he can't seem to control how he stiffens when you put a hand on his arm and squeeze his bicep lovingly, a stiffness that has your kind smile faltering, a frown creasing your eyebrows.

You've laughed at a few of Ran's jokes, amicable smiles that he, in actuality enjoys. He likes that you get along, that he can spend less time pulling you apart like cats and dogs and more time experiencing the love he gets to bathe in between you. Except the drop in his stomach is palpable when you touch Ran's arm to ask if he'd like his glass of wine topped up and Ran has all but smiled and tilted his head in your direction, conversation closed with Kakucho who turns to Sanzu again as he fiddles with the speakers.

'You okay Rin baby?' you say coming up behind him, a hand on his shoulder and squeezing lovingly at his bicep and forearm, relishing in how toned it feels under the suit, and all yours to touch at as you please. He's been quiet, and he knows that you know it, that you've not missed how he's lingered near the fringe of the group, isolated as if it isn't his party to begin with, wine glass abandoned on the kitchen countertop.

He resists shrugging you off and he loathes that he considers it at all, especially when you're soft as you look at him, the glaze of your slightly wine-drunk eyes filled with the glowing reflection of him and adoring. 'Yeah, fine.' Clipped, and you narrow your eyes suspiciously, before leaning to peck at the corner of his mouth where the taste of sour grapes melts onto his lips.

He hates it, when he sees a faint flash of hurt and concern in your eyes when he refuses to kiss you back, all self-loathing and pain disguised as nonchalance that has him turning from you to Sanzu who only looks up from above his cigarette.

It continues like that for a little while as the partygoers leave and you arrange their neat housewarming gifts on the ottoman stool for the two of you to unpack later. You say goodbye to Ran who quirks an eyebrow in Rindou's direction in question and you're quick to soothe his worries and shut the door to face your boyfriend's back as he drifts to the bedroom alone.

You're not sure where to start when you see him pulling off his own tie, his back to you as he stands in front of the mirror, all sullen silences and thick tension that you pretend doesn't ache as you hover near the edge of the bed.

'Rindou?'

'Yeah?' He doesn't raise his head as he pulls the cuffs of his sleeves, pressed white shirt that slips and slides over the toned ridge of his back, honeyed skin that shines just shy of gold when the lamplight swirls along the black ink.

'You've been quiet, is everything okay?' You approach, as the mouse approaches the lion, trepidation that has your voice wavering on the edge of every word.

'Why wouldn't it be?'

'You seemed off Rin, you can tell me y'know, I know I wasn't imagining it.' You put a hesitant hand on his shoulder and the muscle stiffens under your touch, instinctual, as he turns to you with the anger and hurt flaring in his eyes.

His voice is small when he says, 'Did you mean it? When you said you thought Ran looked- when he-'

'Rindou-'

'-if you prefer him over me- I get it but- I just thought you'd be the one who-'

'Rindou.' You shake your head and your hand comes around to rest on the apex of his chest, a subtle and soft tug that has your arms resting on his shoulders from behind, slightly dwarfed by the swell of his back as you press your mouth to his skin.

'Rindou, my Rin,' you say, your lips skimming over the whirl of ink on his shoulder blades. 'Is that what this is about?' You move to stand in front of him, the glow of the lights on the vanity mirror now silhouetting you against the wall.

He fiddles with the hem of his shirt, open now, to reveal the glow of his chest, jet black ink that disappears beneath his waistband, head hung to avoid the spike of concern in your eyes. 'Maybe.'

He wishes it wasn't the case, that it still bothered him this many years later, and he knows you better in his heart, than to assume you're that type, that the years of your consistent affection have somehow meant nothing when you've made every effort. He knows, he loves you, you love him, and by tomorrow this will have passed. He knows this.

'Oh Rin,' you say and soften further, palms that come up to cradle his face, a gentleness that never fails to have his cheeks breaking out in a crimson tint. 'It's not like that at all baby.'

'I know I know but-'

But it had felt like it for the thinnest second. It had felt white hot and burning, the green seed of envy that he knows has no place here, where the softness of your palms come to cup at his cheeks, as if you would break him, as if it is you who is all sharp edges and glass.

'-but you're mine, you're meant to be mine. You're my thing, the one that's only mine.'

You blink and the naked vulnerability has a tinge of crimson spilling across your neck. You press your lips to his, soft and supple, wine sour and flecked with the red of having been bitten down and hums, first in surprise, before slotting his lips along yours, all affection and urgency and need and worry and grief rolled along his tongue.

You break, a fraction of a second, the saliva breaking in the air, a thin silvery line on your chin and he thinks you look beautiful like that, your hair mussed from his wandering hands, lips softened by wine, the taste of home on your skin.

'I'm your thing Rindou, and yours only. I love you, really love you. You're my thing too,' you say, your breath curling along his cheek, the outline of you wreathed in gold, angelic halo that flashes in his eyes, tipsy and smiling sleepily, all the love that still feels new this many years later. And he knows, how much unlearning he's had to do to get here, all anxiety that he's willingly placed aside for you, all the wrongs he's fixed of himself, determination that has him stealing your breath when he cages you against the bed again, his thigh between your legs, all love that has him knowing you instinctually.

He loves you and it pains him. You love him, and it soothes him.

reblogs appreciated!

[ilynpilled]

Jaime and Cersei’s romanticized idea of being one soul in two bodies is so fascinatingly destructive. So much of their relationship is based on this notion of fundamentally refusing to accept the other as a whole. Both of them want to shove the other inside of a box of their creation that is kind of antithetical to them as people. Cersei does use Jaime and her children as extensions of herself to achieve things that society keeps from her grasp due to her gender. She locks Jaime inside this box where he functions as her sword, essentially. Then, the whole point of Jaime’s arc in ASoS is to establish that he is more than a sword, more than rituals of violence. To me, Jaime’s obsession with Cersei continuing past their childhood mainly stems from a tight clinging to the past. Following Jaime’s trauma, disillusionment, and increasing isolation due to his experience with Aerys, knighthood, and moral constructs, he views the relationship as the only concrete thing in his life and relies on it for affirmation and meaning. He also uses Cersei as a means of dissociation— filling his head with thoughts of her during the executions, “losing himself in her flesh”, hoping to prevent his nightmares through dreams of her— a way “to go away inside”. He also unconsciously never wants to move on from being that blissfully ignorant romantic boy that he was, so he desperately keeps the one thing that is constant (his twin sister - a constant from birth), and romanticizes a relationship that is not what he believes it is. He projects her onto a pedestal and obsesses over an ideal that does not exist, also putting her into the role of a perfect woman (“I thought she was The Maiden”), to turn the relationship into something pure that he can guard and revolve his life around. He puts himself in the position of a knightly protector figure to cope with his own identity crisis and the destruction of his self concept. He needs her in order to feel needed. They need each other for self-love. But, both of them also dehumanize the other in different ways, and to different extents. “You are my other half” is a twisted notion that prevents the autonomy and individualization of both parties. It treats the other as a half and not a whole. Not to mention the possible consent & communication issues it brings. “I am not whole without you.” You are, and should be. Truly dynamic of all time.

[distressed-devilsitter]

Apart

In which the brothers realize you're missing, and the events that follow. A prequel of sorts to Nightbringer.

Warnings: angst, gore, and minimal proofreading. Mild spoilers for Obey Me! Nightbringer. Implied Solodeus x Reader. As always, minors DNI. 🔞

Mammon

Mammon notices first. Your absence is an immediate, gaping void in his chest.

It feels like snipped string - a clean break. One moment, you're there, and the next...

Mammon's first instinct is to reach out with his pact - and when he's met with a cold, empty abyss, he panics.

Mammon's second instinct is to call Lucifer. The eldest is, after all, one of the most powerful demons in existence.

But there's nothing. No physical evidence, no trace of magic. It's like you vanished.

Mammon organizes search parties. He spents weeks trudging through the devildom (even the areas no human could survive) looking for you.

But, as the days wear on, it becomes clear that you're gone. Possibly for good.

Mammon tries to fill the void with whatever he can - money, gambling: his usual vices. But nothing can replace you.

In the early hours of the morning, when the house is still and the moon has barely crested the horizon, he sneaks into your room. He wraps himself in your sheets and clings to your fading scent.

Mammon never gives up on you. He 100% believes that it's only a matter of time before you return.

Until then, he's waiting. He'll always wait for you.

Leviathan

Levi is the second brother to notice your absence.

His anxiety spikes. Your disapperance is marked by this quiet feeling of unease. Of inherent wrong.

Levi's first reaction is to call you. And when his call goes to voicemail not once or twice, but ten times, he spirals.

While Mammon covers dark, wooded forests and cloud-filled skies, Leviathan find his way to the ocean.

Beaches - especially the ones located in the farthest reaches of the devildom - are dangerous for humans. They're filled with ancient horrors: things with far too many eyes and too many teeth.

Being here brings back memories of the celestial war. But, he'll brave them. For you.

And when it becomes clear that you're not coming back? That you may never return?

Leviathan isolates himself. He's made great progress over the years - joining his brothers on excursions into town, venturing into the foyer when guests visit - but he regresses when you're gone.

He spends most of his days gaming. His brothers rarely see him, even for meals.

His figurines are gathering dust. The newest issues of TSL sits on his desk, unopened.

Without you, Leviathan becomes a ghost of his former self - just another specter that roams the house of lamentation.

Satan

Asmodeus once said that if the Avatar of Wrath became truly angry, the world would end. It's a chilling thought - that the wrath he displays isn't full extent of his power.

When you disappear, Satan is waiting for you at the library. It's a calm day - students in red and black uniforms drag feathered quills over curled parchment, while the librarian tends to his stack of books.

Then, someone whispers, and a book slams shut -

And that's all it takes to set him off.

The Avatar of Wrath succumbs to a rage he hasn't felt since the earliest days of his existance. His anger burns - and he takes it out on those around him.

There's blood under his nails and dust on his clothes. And Satan, like some lesser demon, revels in the destruction. He pulls himself from the wreckage and stalks towards the town.

He tears down forests. He razes cities. His reach is endless and his wrath, unending.

It takes Lucifer, Barbatos, and Diavolo to capture him.

While you're gone, Satan is under house arrest.

Everyday, he loses more of himself to his sin - and eventually, his brothers wonder if there's anything left of him at all.

Asmodeus

It's Asmo who bullys pursuades Solomon to follow you into the past.

Now two of the most important people in his life are gone.

In public, Asmo pretends like nothing has happened. He attends classes, hosts livestreams, and holds several Asmo gatherings per week.

In private? He's a wreck.

Asmo has lost the two people whom he values the most - the humans who know that Asmo is both deeply insecure and intrinsically flawed - but choose to love him anyway.

Asmo spends much of his time at the Fall. He loses himself to sharp taste of demonus on his tounge and the heavy, repetitive music. Hands reach out to grab him, and the avatar reaches back.

In the morning, Asmodeus wakes up in an unfamiliar room next to a stranger. They have the shape of your face and the same color hair.

Quietly, Asmodeus gathers his things and leaves. His makeup is smudged and he feels volatile- like a supernova before it implodes.

Beelzebub & Belphegor

It's Beel who finds your D.D.D. in an alleyway way. The screen is cracked and he smells blood.

From there, the twins have vastly different responses:

To cope with your absence, Belphie sleeps.

The avatar prefers his dreams to reality. Nestled in the soft embrace of sleep, he sees you again.

He tells you everything. How he cares. That he misses you. That he's sorry.

Beel, on the other hand, can't sleep.

He also dreams of you: sometimes, they start out normally. Maybe it's movie night at the HoL, maybe he's on a picnic. But they always end the same: you, broken and bloody, at his feet.

He awakes with a start. Normally, after a nightmare, he'd seek you out. But you're not there. Instead, Beel clings to his twin and cries.

For once, Beel loses his appetite. Food doesn't taste as good when you're not around.

If When you return, he'll treat you to all your favorite foods. Just come back soon. Please?

Lucifer

Father must be laughing at him. No matter how hard he tries, his family keeps falling apart.

Out of all his brothers, Lucifer has the hardest time adjusting. Everything reminds him of you - the unopened bags of acidic coffee in the cabinets, the poison apples you'd bring to his study.

At night, he pours two glasses of demonus. (It's an old habit, from the days when you sought comfort at his side. He'd open one of his finest bottles and listen to you troubles). Still, he's loathe to let a good spirit go to waste. He drinks both, and toasts to your memory.

EDIT: I am a fool who forgot the taglist. 🫣

@simpinginthecorner @dreamingaboutyousworld @celyn-12 @iwanttodieplz @solomonslostsock @silveredwood

[thatbloodymuggle]

READY TO RUN (v)

FIVE - ACCELERANDO

SUMMARY: in a world where everyone has a predetermined match, JJ Maybank and Y/N Montgomery want nothing to do with theirs. it has to be a cruel joke; the universe forcing two people to love each other when they don’t know how.

PAIRING: jj maybank x reader / soulmate au

WORD COUNT: 8k

SERIES MASTERLIST

WARNINGS: smut, language, dom!jj, sub!reader, hair pulling, oral (f receiving), p in v, unprotected sex, choking, slight humiliation kink, public sex

✰✰✰

A week had passed since the annual tennis tournament. 7 days since you had last spoken to Anna. 7 days since you had last seen JJ Maybank.

Each day passed by even more slowly than the next. You only left the Montgomery estate to go to Madame Mercier's house. You only left your room for meals. You hadn't even used the grand piano in the ballroom for your daily practices and had instead confined yourself to the small, upright Yamaha in your bedroom.

But you weren’t depressed. Rather, you found that confining yourself to such a routine eliminated any possible distraction. If you didn't hang out with your friends, you wouldn't be sucked into parties. And if you didn't frequent the streets of Kildare County, there was no chance you would run into your soulmate.

You knew Kate and Topper were concerned about your well-being. It was evident from their daily texts, and phone call attempts. You responded to them but made clear that you needed space alone. Anna had not divulged the reason behind your argument, which you were grateful for. You felt particularly bad for being so distant with Topper, as he had been there for you at one of your lowest points the previous week. 

To top it all off, your mother had been even more scrutinizing than usual after you had showed up to the estate escorted by Topper, puffy-eyed and soaking wet from head to toe. It now seemed that every dinner was filled with some kind of thinly veiled insult. 

Is that a new shirt? You know cool tones wash you out.

Are you sure you need another brownie? You're not getting the exercise you used to since you quit sports.

Worst of all had been dress shopping with your mother and sisters with Midsummers rapidly approaching. Margaret found something wrong with every dress you tried: too short, too long, too much cleavage, unflattering on your figure. Meanwhile, Georgia and Dixie had no trouble finding the dress of their dreams. 

But you would take the cruel remarks from your mother any day over confronting your greatest problem of all.

You thought that by physically distancing yourself from JJ, maybe the bond would grow weaker. Maybe you could revert to before you met when your soulmate's pain was merely an afterthought. But to your dismay, the effect had been the opposite. 

With each passing day, the bond seemed to grow stronger. It had become so sensitive, that you could feel the flick of a lighter against your thumb; the tickling of uncut grass between your toes. You worried about what would happen if you continued to resist it. How much stronger could the bond grow? Would the longing in your chest become so painful, you won't be able to function?

It was a battle between your head and your heart. You thought JJ was an impolite, abrasive asshole whom you shared absolutely no common ground with. But your body burned with desire at the mere thought of him.

Since you had entered your self-imposed isolation, you found yourself practicing the Chopin piece until your fingers were numb, and your back ached from sitting up straight. When you were unable to sleep, you played. When Georgia's incessant shrieks sounded through your walls, you played. When you found yourself entertaining the possibility of giving in to the inevitable connection, you played.

The silver lining? You had the entire piece nearly memorized.

You were in the middle of yet another torturous practice session when you were interrupted by a sharp knock on your door.

"Mom says we're leaving for dinner with the Camerons in an hour so you better be ready," Dixie's grating voice was threaded with annoyance, as you figured your mother must have sent her.

"'K," your shoulders slumped as you reluctantly pulled yourself from your piano.

You did not want to have dinner with the Camerons. You knew the whole thing was an excuse for the adults to get wine drunk together, brag about their children, and complain about their first-world problems. Sarah Cameron used to be your savior at these get-togethers. But you couldn't remember the last time she had come to one of these dinners, as Sarah seemed to always be busy with her new life on the Cut. 

After dinner, Dixie would stick around with the adults, while Georgia would run off with Wheezie. This would leave you with Rafe, who was a hit-or-miss. Sometimes, like the night of Topper's birthday, he was pleasant, more or less. Other times, his demeanor matched that of a cranky, old, drugged-up alcoholic. 

Despite the impending dread of the evening, you trudged over to your ensuite bathroom and turned on the shower, allowing the room to fill with steam before actually getting in. The water was scalding against your skin, but you welcomed the numbing feeling. Nowadays, you welcomed any feeling you had control over; any feeling that would drown out JJ's. You took your time lathering your body, washing your hair, and shaving your legs. You stayed in the steaming shower until your fingers began to prune. You reluctantly shut the shower off and wrapped a towel around your body. You went through your meticulous skincare and hair routine, all the while humming along to whatever piano melody floated aimlessly in your mind. Your phone buzzed, and you paused your work curling your eyelashes.

6:36 PM Kate: what are you up to tonight? we'd love to see you

You sighed as you read over your friend's message. You knew that you could only avoid them for so long, and the expiration date of your isolation was rapidly approaching. 

to Kate:

stuck going to the Cameron's for dinner. how about move night thursday? delivered 6:38 PM

You set your phone down after typing out a quick reply. A minute hadn't even passed when your phone buzzed again. You glanced at it from the corner of your eye, as you were mid-mascara application.

6:39 PM Kate: it's a date

You smiled softly at her response. You really had missed your friends; you just dreaded having to explain your argument with Anna, as well as your disappearance. 

You rushed through the rest of your routine, before making your way to your walk-in closet to pick out an outfit for the evening. Just as you had slipped on a satin skirt which you knew your mother would approve of, you felt the sharp, burning sensation of walking barefoot on gravel in the balls of your feet. A shiver ran up your spine, and you wiggled your toes as if doing so would shake off the uncomfortable feeling. 

"Get a move on, you. We're leaving in five minutes!" your father’s booming voice startled you. You tried your best to ignore the sensation in your feet as you hastily slipped on a pair of kitten heels, and rushed down the grand staircase and into the foyer. As you caught sight of the rest of your family waiting by the car, you sighed. Still, you swallowed down the dread, put on an obedient smile, and walked outside to join the rest of the Montgomery clan. You only hoped that playing along would make the time pass faster.

✰✰✰

"You wouldn't believe the audacity of these teenagers, nowadays. They must have never been properly taught manners, let alone customer service skills!"

You bit your tongue at your mother’s dramatic retelling of the story of the staff member at the club who delivered her a lukewarm towel rather than a hot one. You feigned a smile as the adults at the table laughed. You caught Sarah Cameron's eye from across the table, who rolled your eyes dramatically at Margaret Montgomery, eliciting a quiet giggle from you.

As miserable as the dinner had been, you had been pleasantly surprised to see Sarah at the table. At least after the meal, you would have someone your age to make small talk with, saving you from lingering beside the adults or engaging with Rafe. This was particularly relieving considering the last time you saw Rafe he had his tongue down your throat at Topper's birthday party.

Just as you shuddered at the memory, Ward Cameron's booming voice diverted your attention, "Well why don't we head inside and try out some of those liqueurs I mentioned earlier?"

Margaret and Clyde folded up their used napkins and followed him inside the house, with Dixie trailing behind. Just as you had predicted, you were left alone with Rafe and Sarah, as Georgia had run off with Wheezie earlier in the evening. 

"And then there were three," you sighed awkwardly. Sarah sent you a soft smile which you returned, while Rafe stared you down in a manner that made you feel uneasy. You shifted under his gaze and cleared your throat, "I'm just gonna head to the restroom." 

You folded your napkin and stood up, pushing your chair in behind you. You head towards the house with a bounce in your step, eager to escape Rafe's leering eyes. You hurried into the bathroom near the front entrance of the Camerons’ house and huffed in relief as you locked the door behind you. 

You turned to the mirror and sighed as you looked yourself in the eyes. You frowned as you noticed that the bags under your eyes were visible even under layers of concealer, and your mascara had smudged slightly in the crinkle of your right eye. Your self-scrutiny was put on pause as you felt a familiar hot pressure on your thumb, followed by a burning sensation in your throat. You cleared your throat as if it would expel the sensation. Instead, the burning returned. Smoking kills, you thought to yourself but gulped in acceptance. You gave yourself one last once over before pushing the door open, intent on finding someplace quiet where you could escape for the rest of the night. 

"So you're avoiding me now?" a gruff voice tickled your ear as you turned to close the door behind you. You jumped in surprise and whipped around to face Rafe, who loomed over you like a predator would with its prey. His eyes were dark, and his grin unsettling as he leaned one hand on the door beside your head.

"No," you squeaked, "Just needed to pee."

Rafe scoffed and leaned even closer to you, "Well now that you've gotten that out of the way," his head ducked down to the crook of your neck, "why don't we continue where we left off last time, huh?" his lips grazed your collarbone. Your entire body tensed, frozen in shock. Rafe sunk his teeth into the soft skin of your neck, nipping harshly and shaking you out of your state of surprise.

"That was a one-time thing," you shoved at him, but he placed his other arm on the other side of your body, effectively trapping you between his body and the wall. He trailed sloppy kisses up the side of your neck and jutted his hips against yours, keeping you from squirming away. His breath reeked of alcohol and you scrunched your nose up at the smell. "Knock it off, Rafe," you cried, shoving at his chest again, but to no avail.

"Get off of her, you perv!"

Sarah's shrieking voice startled Rafe away from you. You gasped in relief as his body was removed from yours. Your heartbeat was erratic, and you shivered as the shock of Rafe's advance towards you settled. You didn't hesitate to scramble over to Sarah's side.

Rafe, on the other hand, let out a guttural groan at his sister's interruption, "God, Sarah, can you fuck off for once?"

Sarah narrowed her eyes at her brother, "She said 'no', you dickhead. And you reek. Go take a shower or something."

Rafe rolled his eyes but trudged away, nevertheless, all the while grumbling profanities under his breath. You felt a weight lift off your shoulders when he exited the foyer, and you turned to Sarah with sincerity, "Thank you."

"Don't even mention it," Sarah spoke in a soothing tone with apologetic eyes, "I'm so sorry about him. He can really be awful sometimes."

"That's an understatement," you scoffed, and Sarah giggled in response.

"Seriously though, are you okay? Did he hurt you?" Sarah questioned, her brows cinched together in concern. 

You shook your head and sent her a reassuring smile, "I'm fine, really. Just grossed out."

Sarah nodded, satisfied with your response. A beat of awkward silence passed between you before she broke it again, "Well I was gonna go have some of the Rosé my dad opened during dinner if you wanna join? I could use your help killing the bottle."

"Sure," you replied with a closed-mouth grin, "I could definitely use a glass of wine after tonight. If I hear one more golfing story I think I'll lose my mind."

"Tell me about it," Sarah laughed heartily and led you back outside to the table you had eaten on, snatching the opened, but nearly full bottle of Rosé along with two wine glasses. The two of you sat on the steps of the patio, and Sarah poured you each a generous amount of wine.

"Cheers," you grinned as you clinked your glass against Sarah's before taking a sip, relishing in the bittersweet flavor.

"Are you still playing piano?" Sarah chirped, filling the once awkward, but now slightly more comfortable, silence. 

"Yeah," you nodded, "I've actually been thinking about applying to some music programs for next year."

Sarah grinned at your response, "That's amazing! It's nice to see you stepping outside of the Montgomery mold," she teased.

You chuckled softly. "How's your life been? How are things with John B?" you questioned in response, taking another sip of your Rosé.

The longer the two of you chatted, the more you felt yourself relax. You had missed Sarah, and feeling connected with someone outside of your inner circle felt like a breath of fresh air. For once, you didn't feel the need to impress anyone or present yourself in a particular way. That freedom was a much-needed relief.

"You know it's nice seeing you at one of these things," you sighed, "You're like, my only saving grace at these dinners."

Sarah gently swirled the wine in her glass, and shot you a guilty smile, "Yeah. I'm sorry for leaving you high and dry all those times."

You shrugged, and took another sip of wine, "It is what it is. I mean, you've got a whole new group of friends now."

Sarah frowned at this but didn't object as she knew it was true. She had ditched a number of people, but in her defense, it was hard to have the best of both worlds with so much animosity on both sides. 

"I guess. But I do miss you, though. It just feels impossible to have friends on both sides with this raging class war. I mean, can you imagine a world where Topper and JJ play beer pong and sing campfire songs together?" Sarah laughed at the image of the well-established enemies being friends.

Your heart skipped a beat at the joke. You couldn't imagine a world in which Topper and JJ got along. You couldn't even picture Topper's reaction when he would inevitably find out that JJ was your soulmate. The thought terrified you; still, you forced a laugh and raised your glass of wine to your lips, effectively concealing your phony smile. 

"Seriously though, I think you would actually like my friends, Y/N," Sarah said with a smile, "I think you'd get along well."

You shrugged and looked out at the twinkling string lights covering the backyard, "I don't know about that. I do like Pope. He seems to be the tamest of them all."

"He definitely is," Sarah affirmed. She waited a beat, before continuing, "You know, I'm supposed to be meeting them at the beach for a small bonfire soon. I would love it if you could come."

You nearly dropped the glass in your hand. 

"Uh," you blubbered, "I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Oh come on, I promise it'll be fun. You'll have me, and I really think you all would get along," Sarah stared at you with pleading eyes, her eyebrows raised with hope.

You shifted in your seat in discomfort. You had been doing so well, this past week, avoiding any possible run-ins with JJ. Why would you subject yourself to the possibility of seeing him? At the same time, you were really enjoying spending time with Sarah, and it would be nice to get out of the house for something other than piano practice or a family obligation.

"Who all is going to be there?" you questioned.

"Just John B and Pope, I'm pretty sure," Sarah responded.

You gnawed on your bottom lip as you mulled over the invitation. JJ wouldn't be there, at least. But was hanging around with his friends any better? In the end, the pleading look in Sarah's puppy dog eyes was unrelenting.

"Okay," you reluctantly agreed, eliciting a squeal of excitement from Sarah.

With a giddy Sarah on your tail, you set your glass of wine down to find your parents and ask for permission to go to the beach with Sarah. You were careful to exclude any mention of other people, let alone Pogues. In their tipsy-bordering-drunken state, Clyde and Margaret waved you off with a nonchalant seal of approval.

"John B should be here any minute," Sarah proclaimed as you waited at the driveway of the Camerons' mansion. You felt the nerves beginning to creep in. You knew that Pope didn't hate you, but you still worried John B would given that you had never interacted with him beyond nods of acknowledgment or passing insults from Topper. Before you could spiral into your whirlwind of thoughts, a beat-up Volkswagen van pulled into the driveway. The vehicle looked like it was on its last legs, but the rustic exterior was oddly charming.

Just after it screeched to a halt, Sarah yanked the side door open and clambered inside. 

"Hey guys, Y/N’s gonna join us if that's okay," she chirped, beckoning you to join her inside the van. 

You cautiously climbed inside and were met with a surprised John B and Pope in the driver and passenger seats. You flushed as you realized how out of place you were. Before you could excuse yourself, Pope interjected your train of thought.

"Yeah, of course! It's good to see you again," he sent a toothy grin your way, which you hesitantly returned.

"The more the merrier," John B stuttered with an awkward, but still kind, smile. 

Your anxiety settled but still bubbled quietly in the pit of your stomach. You were completely out of your comfort zone. But it was too late to turn back now, as John B started up the van and pulled out of the Cameron's estate. 

"How was your dinner?" John B called from the driver's seat, glancing at the two girls through the rearview mirror.

Sarah scoffed, "Pretty fucking awful."

You snorted and turned to your friend with a grin, "I think if I heard one more person complain about how the Club's hor d'œurves have gone downhill this season, I'd gouge my eyeballs out with one of your stepmom's fine china teaspoons."

Sarah burst out into a fit of giggles, and the two boys in the front chuckled at your quick-wittedness. You relaxed into your seat, as you grew slightly more comfortable with the unfamiliar crowd.

The drive to the beach was short from the Camerons' house, and it wasn't long until the four of you climbed out of the Twinkie in a nearby parking lot. You noticed a dirt bike parked next to the van, but you didn't think much of it as the group made their way towards the water. 

"I definitely didn't pick the right shoes for the occasion," you grumbled as you fiddled with the straps of your heels and pulled them off before stepping onto the sand of the beach. 

"Hey, they're cute though. Where’d you get them?" Sarah nudged you with a grin as the two Kook girls walked side by side in the sand.

You shrugged, "They were Dixie's. But she wore them twice before deciding they were too last season."

Sarah snorted, "Classic Montgomery behavior."

"Tell me about it," you mumbled with an exaggerated eye roll.

Loud chattering ahead of you diverted your attention from your feet to the flickering flame of a small campfire surrounded by four long logs. You smiled softly at the scene, but the grin was instantly wiped from your face as you caught sight of the familiar blond locks you'd been avoiding all week.

JJ Maybank's eyes shot to yours, and you froze in your place. 

Sarah noticed how you had tensed suddenly and turned to you with furrowed brows.

"I thought you said it was just Pope and John B," you rasped.

Sarah followed your gaze and finally noticed JJ staring back with an unreadable expression. A guilty blush crept up her cheeks as she turned to you and grabbed your arm gently, forcing your eyes back on her. 

"Please don't be mad," Sarah whispered, "But I may have stretched the truth. I just didn't think you'd come if I told you anyone else was coming and selfishly, I really wanted to spend some more time with you."

You internally groaned at Sarah's confession. You should have known better. Since when did the Pogues hang out in separate groups? Your shoulders slumped and you sighed, composing yourself. You knew Sarah didn't mean any harm by it. It's not like you knew about everything between you and JJ. 

"You're right, but it's fine," you relented, "I'm already here so might as well make the most of it."

Sarah's shoulders slumped in relief and she grinned, "Well let's go then!"

She grabbed your hand and dragged you towards the small fire to join the rest of the group. 

"Hey guys! Y/N did my a solid saving me from a miserable dinner tonight so I invited her to join us," Sarah announced with a cheery tone. "Please be nice, she’s really cool," Sarah spoke pointedly at JJ with a cocked eyebrow.

He grunted and restored himself to poking at the fire with a stick, trying to look as disinterested in your presence as possible.

"Yeah, of course," Kie smiled cautiously at you, which you shyly returned.

Sarah beckoned you over to join her on one of the logs beside the fire. You sat with Sarah to your right and Pope to your left, much to your relief. At least you were surrounded by the two members of the group you felt least ostracized by.

The group of friends passed around beers and erupted into conversation. You listened intently, smiling along but silently sipping your beer otherwise. You learned that so far this summer, Pope had been busy studying for the SAT, John B had landed a job in a mechanic shop, and Kie was taking a creative writing class off the island at a nearby university. You admired the ease with which the group of friends spoke, and found yourself feeling glum as you thought of your friends. You worried that you may never be able to sit around like this with Topper, Kate, and Anna again. Anna certainly hated you, and you were sure Topper would when he inevitably found out the truth. 

"Why don't we play a game?" Kie's voice pulled you from your thoughts.

"What do you have in mind?" Pope quirked a brow as he took a sip from his beer.

Sarah interjected, "How about Never Have I Ever?"

The Pogues in the group groaned at your suggestion.

"We already know everything we've done," John B complained.

"Well, you've never played with me! And we have a new friend with us, so we don't know everything," Sarah argued pointedly. You flushed as all eyes turned towards you.

Kie shrugged, "I'm convinced. Who starts?" she propped her elbows on her knees and held up five fingers on each hand. 

"You start since you think it's such a good idea," JJ grumbled. You avoided his gaze across the fire.

Kie hummed in thought, "Alright. Never have I ever given or had a happy ending massage."

Sarah and John B sheepishly put down a finger, and everyone else erupted into disgusted cries. 

"I didn't need to know that," Pope shook his head, before collecting himself and continuing the game. "Never have I ever gone skinny dipping," he exclaimed.

All three girls put a finger down, and the three of you giggled as you realized you were the only ones who had done so. You could feel yourself warming up to Kie, albeit slowly. 

All eyes turned to you, "Never have I ever..," you trailed off, thinking of a statement, "shoplifted."

You watched as John B, Kie, and JJ all put down a finger. JJ scoffed, and grumbled under his breath, "Well of course you haven't, you don't need to."

Kie elbowed him in the side to shut him up, but you had already heard his comment. You frowned and diverted your gaze to your bare feet in the sand. He really detested you, didn't he?

"Never have I ever pulled an all-nighter," Sarah's lilting voice brought you back to the game. Pope and Kie both put down a finger.

As the group of teenagers continued going around the circle, their questions became more and more targeted.

Never have I ever had a boner.

Never have I ever lived on Figure Eight.

Never have I ever had a brother named Rafe.

Kie was the first to drop out, and Pope, John B, and Sarah each had one measly finger left in the game. In a last-ditch attempt to save himself and kill two birds with one stone, Pope cleared his throat and boomed, "Never have I ever met my soulmate."

Sarah and John B immediately erupted into cries of protest.

You, on the other hand, felt your entire body stiffen and your heart skip a beat. You sucked in a breath, and your gaze cautiously crept towards the blond sitting across from you. Your pink lips parted as your eyes met his, already trained on yours. His jaw was taut, and the expression painted on his face was indiscernible. His three fingers remained in the air, unmoving. And so you mimicked him, keeping your remaining fingers raised. 

Pope softly nudged you and you jumped in your seat, diverting your gaze from JJ. "Oh, um," you stumbled, "Never have I ever been arrested."

Pope sighed as he put his last finger down, "Well it was fun while it lasted."

JJ put a finger down, leaving him with two remaining and you with three. You shifted in your seat, as all eyes were trained on you. You cautiously met his eyes and watched as the tip of his tongue poked out in thought, wetting his lips. 

"Never have I ever had my own household staff to wait on me," JJ taunted, his voice dripping with disdain. 

Your lips curved into a frown and your cheeks flushed at his insinuation that you were spoiled. You put one finger down, leaving you with two remaining. 

You ground your teeth, and quickly retorted, "Never have I gotten into a fight for no good reason."

JJ's left eye twitched, and he put down yet another finger, leaving him with one left. The rest of the Pogues were silent while they watched the pair, heads whipping back and forth as if watching a tennis match.

"Never have I ever spread my legs for a Kook," JJ sneered, his face stoic and eyes swimming with malice.

You could barely hear the groans and shouts of the Pogues around your reprimanding their friend. Your body felt hot, and you couldn't tell if it was because of the crackling fire or your blazing fury. You leaned forward just enough so JJ had a full view of your cleavage through the flickering flames. You propped your elbows on your knees, pushing your breasts together. You lifted your beer and wrapped your lips around the mouth of the bottle slowly, never taking your eyes off of him. You blindly set the bottle down and licked your lips slowly. You relished in the bitter flavor and the bob of JJ's Adam's apple as he gulped, revealing a crack in his stoic demeanor. 

Finally, you put down one finger, leaving only your middle finger trained towards him.

"Never have I ever hurt my soulmate on purpose," you spoke with a sense of finality.

Because you knew you had won.

JJ was fuming as his composure shattered. And you found yourself captivated by the shift of his jaw, the vein bulging from his neck, the baring of his teeth. A cruel smile crept onto your lips as you reveled in the darkened hue of his blue eyes.

"I think that's enough of Never Have I Ever," John B coughed, cutting through the rapidly escalating tension. 

You leaned back in your seat with a satisfied smirk tugging at your lips. You finally pulled your eyes off JJ.

The Pogues attempted to move past the awkwardness caused by the seemingly innocent game. Sarah and Kie sparked up a conversation about their plan to buy supplies from Home Depot for a pong table. John B and Pope joined in, offering design suggestions. But JJ's anger and your smugness lingered in the air; impossible to avoid.

"Well I'm getting pretty tired," Sarah forced a yawn and dramatic stretch.

"You spending the night at the Chateau?" John B was quick to add, eager to escape the lingering hostility.

"Sure," Sarah responded before looking at you, "We can still swing by your place if you want a ride home?"

You shook your head and politely declined the offer, "I think I'm gonna walk home. I could use the fresh air."

And you didn't want to risk any of your family members seeing the beaten-down van pull into the driveway.

You shot Sarah a smile that seemed to be convincing enough.

"You coming, Pope?" John B asked as the couple rose from their seats.

"Yep," Pope didn't hesitate to jump from his place.

"Me too," Kie mimicked his actions. They all cautiously looked toward JJ in anticipation. After a few beats of silence, the group began their work dismantling the small campfire. While Pope, Kie, and John B collected the littered bottles, you followed Sarah to collect buckets of ocean water. 

As you walked towards the waves, Sarah wrapped her arms around you in a tight hug, "Thanks for coming. I hope we can hang out again soon," she smiled as she pulled away which you gladly returned.

"We will, don't worry," you reassured the Cameron girl. 

The two fo you filled your buckets with water and returned to the fire. You each doused the flames, causing a dwindling of smoke to rise into the air. John B kicked sand over the logs for good measure, until the last ember dimmed. Satisfied, the group turned to begin their trek to the Twinkie. Sarah gave you one last smile and wave before looping her arm through John B's and turning away. 

You watched as they walked away, ignoring the presence of the boy still seated on a log who hadn't moved since the end of the game.

Silence enveloped the two of you, filled only with the crashing of soft waves nearby. You grabbed your heels from your previous spot and wandered away from your soulmate, seemingly oblivious of his presence. You ambled towards the moonlit waves and plopped down in the sand just behind where the water crept up at its highest point. You wiggled your toes in the fine sand and stared up at the crescent moon illuminating the dark earth below. You fluttered your eyes shut and breathed in the salty air, shivering slightly at the sea breeze. 

Even with your eyes closed and the ocean clouding your senses, you could feel JJ's presence.

The blond Pogue took a seat beside you. You waited with bated breath, refusing to be the one to break the silence. 

Your wish was granted as JJ finally spoke, "You'll be the end of me, Montgomery."

You couldn't fight the triumphant grin from stretching across your face.

Your eyes flicked towards him. His anger had dissipated into something else entirely; something You couldn't quite put your finger on.

"JJ Maybank's demise," you hummed in thought, toying with a loose strand of your hair, "The Pogue Prince at the mercy of the Kook Princess. The duality is almost poetic, isn't it?"

You felt a scorching desire brewing in the pit of your stomach; one which wasn't your own.

You had him wrapped around your dainty finger, and you both knew it. Still, he took the bait.

"You're the devil, you know," he rasped, inching closer to his other half. 

"Well you know what they say," you quirked a brow, reeling him in. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Hook, line, and sinker. 

JJ released a guttural groan as he crashed his lips against yours. His hand snaked around your neck, entangling itself in your windswept hair and firmly holding you in place. The callouses of his fingers were rough against your smooth skin, sending an earth-shattering shiver up your spine. You melted into his touch and balled the fabric of his t-shirt in your first, yanking him even closer. His blunt nails dug into the dip of your waist, eliciting a gasp. He took advantage of your open mouth and slipped his tongue inside before running it along your bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. 

JJ swiftly swung his body over yours and nudged a knee between your legs, forcing them apart. Your skirt slid up your thighs and bunched around your hips. His lips never left yours, as if he was afraid you would slip away if they parted. You wrapped your arms around his neck as you laid back on the sand. You rolled your tongue against his and tugged on the hair at the nape of his neck, earning a moan from JJ. He returned the favor by grinding his knee between your thighs where you needed him most. You jolted with a moan and bucked your hips against him desperately. 

Just as your hands, trembling with desire, slid underneath his shirt, JJ grabbed both of your wrists with one hand and pinned them above your head. He abruptly detached his lips from yours, and you gasped at the loss. Your eyes fluttered open as JJ trailed kisses along your neck. 

You cried out when he took your earlobe in his mouth before whispering, "It's cute that you think you've got me wrapped around your finger," he gripped your chin in his free hand, "But you seem to have forgotten who you're messing with, Montgomery," he slipped his thumb into your mouth, "You need me to remind you?"

You stared up at him with pleading eyes. Any semblance of dignity was swept away in the ocean breeze when you nodded once.

JJ's eyes twinkled with desire as he moved his hand back down to wrap around your neck. He leaned down so their lips just barely brushed. You lurched forward to connect your lips to his, but he jerked back and pushed his hips into yours. He leaned down again, before pulling back in the same cruel manner. You cried out in frustration and jerked your arms but to no avail against his iron grip.

"Use your words," he teased, ghosting his lips over yours again, "Or I'll go like this all night."

"Please, J," you whined, thrusting your hips. You wanted so badly to wipe the cocky smirk off his face, but you had relented control.

"Come on, sweetheart, you can do better than that," he squeezed your neck, "Tell me what you want me to do to you."

Tears of frustration pricked at your eyes. He wanted to see you embarrassed. 

"I wanna feel your lips on my skin," a tear trailed down your face, "I wanna taste you, I want you between my thighs. I want you all over and I need you inside of me, please--"

JJ cut off your blubbering by crashing his lips against yours once more and releasing your arms. You slid them back under his shirt, and this time he didn't protest as they trailed up his toned abdomen to his flexed shoulders. He parted from you once more to discard the material, and you nearly drooled at the sight of his bare chest. 

JJ scrunched your skirt up around your waist, revealing your lacy panties. You squirmed as he simply pressed the pad of his thumb against the very obvious wet spot in the middle. He watched in awe at the effect he had over you, and a blush crept up your neck. 

"Please, stop teasing," you whined.

He didn't hesitate to yank the material down your thighs and toss it aside. JJ trailed kisses up the soft skin of your inner thigh, and you waited with bated breath as he inched closer to where you needed him most. Finally, his tongue dragged up your slit and circled your clit, before sucking it into his mouth with a vulgar slurp.

You cried at the sensation and threaded your fingers into his dirty blond locks. Your eyes fluttered shut and your jaw went slack in pure bliss as JJ ate you out like a man starved. The alternating flicking of his tongue against your nub and sucking into his mouth made your head spin. You felt your high approaching, and you knew JJ could feel it too which made the sensation all the more intoxicating. As his skilled tongue continued to circle your clit, he ran a finger through your folds before sinking it deep inside. You mewled as he massaged your walls. Feeling your orgasm rapidly approaching, JJ wrapped his lips around your nub and inserted anotyour finger, curling them both as fast as he could. You wailed and shockwaves rolled through your body as you felt your release. JJ groaned against he as he felt the ecstasy of your high in his own body. He continued lapping up your juices as you rode through your release until your thighs twitched violently and you jerked away from him. 

You panted in the afterglow of your mind splintering orgasm. You barely had a moment to recover before JJ's lips were back on yours. His tongue swiped along your bottom lip, forcing you to taste your own release.

"You taste so fucking good, baby," he moaned against you, and your heart skipped a beat.

He reached behind you and swiftly untied your top, throwing it aside. He groaned as he saw you weren’t wearing a bra. Your nipples were hard from the sea breeze, and he eagerly took one into his mouth while massaging your other breast. He flicked his thumb against your nipple, and you trembled at the sensation. You reached down and fumbled with the button and zipper of his shorts. You shoved at JJ's shoulder in an attempt to flip him so you were on top, but he wouldn't budge.

"Uh uh," he shoved his shorts off and nipped at your neck, "As much as I'd love to see those pretty lips wrapped around my cock, that'll have to wait. I need to feel your tight cunt stretched around me right now."

You shuddered at the filthy words leaving his lips and watched in awe as he helped you nudge his boxers off. His cock sprang up, rock hard and dripping with pre cum. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he slid the tip of it between your soaking folds. Your opening fluttered as the head of his cock poked through, before retreating over and over again, leaving you a blubbering mess.

"Beg for it," JJ rasped against your lips as he continued his teasing.

You cried out in frustration. He wrapped his hand around your neck, squeezing slightly; a warning.

"Please, fuck me J, fuck me until I see stars, I need you inside me," you whimpered pathetically.

He rested his forehead against yours and stared deep into your eyes. Your noses pressed harshly against each other and you could feel the heat of his breath at his proximity. And in one swift movement, he thrust himself inside of you.

A guttural groan escaped him at the sinful feeling of your velvety walls fluttering around him. Your jaw fell slack as you sucked him in. You could feel every indentation, every ridge, every vein of his cock inside you; it was a sensation unlike any you had ever felt before. Your bodies melded together like a lock and key, the last two pieces of a puzzle, two halves of a whole. It rivaled any past fleeting pleasure. You lost all inhibitions as you gave into the bond you had fought against for so long. 

JJ pulled his hips back slowly, before slamming them back against you at an unforgiving speed. You wailed at the sensation and dragged your nails down his bare back. You felt your nails dragging along your own back and resliehd in the intimacy of it. He buried his face into the crook of your neck as he set an unrelenting pace. With each snap of his hips, you felt waves of pleasure which resembled that of the ocean water not even 10 feet away.

"You feel like fucking heaven," JJ gasped against your.

He raised one of your legs so it rested over his shoulder. You cried at the sensation, a tear trailing down your face. The new angle allowed him to reach you even deeper, hitting places you had never felt before. He kept thrusting at a splintering speed, but the snapping of his hips was beginning to falter.

"You feel that, baby? You feel what this cunt does to me?" JJ growled into your ear. He pressed one hand against your abdomen, knowing you could feel his rapidly approaching orgasm. He moved his hand down and rubbed his finger against your sensitive clit at a rapid pace.

You nodded, unable to speak.

"You want me to fill this tight little pussy with my cum?" his voice cracked as he got dangerously closer.

"Yes," you sobbed, "Please, fill me up!"

JJ let out a guttural groan as he thrust into you one last time before spilling his load inside of you. Shockwaves rippled through your body as the coiled spring releasing in his abdomen sent you over the edge as well. Your vision blurred and your head spun as you found yourself unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to see. You could only feel. You could finally feel. 

JJ rested his nose against the side of your cheek, panting as he recovered from his high. He was unable to move as he reveled in the feeling of you. He laid, strung out, on top of you until his dick had begun to soften, and he had to pull it out. JJ reluctantly propped himself up on his elbows and eased out of your, causing you to tremble at the sensation. You blinked and slowly regained focus on the stars above.

You were vaguely aware that you were lying naked on a public beach--but it was too late to care at that point. 

JJ collapsed beside you with a huff. He mimicked your position and stared at the stars twinkling above. He turned on his side and swung an arm over your waist with a sigh. He nudged his nose against your cheek again and barely spoke above a whisper, "We just complicated things, didn't we."

You nodded before you replied, vocal cords scratchy, "That's the understatement of the century."

JJ watched the rise and fall of your bare chest, using it to count the passage of time until a minute passed.

"So what do we do now?" he asked.

"I don't know," you shrugged.

Your chest rose and fell. Another minute passed. 

"I don't think we can keep on avoiding each other," he broke the silence.

You sighed, "Clearly not."

The acceptance of your predicament was sobering. Acceptance. What a terrifying word.

You cleared your throat, "Well, clearly we can't ignore the bond. But that doesn't mean we have to uproot our lives."

His brows furrowed, "What do you mean?"

You sighed and tilted your head so it faced his. You stared into his ocean blues, nose to nose, "I mean so long as we satisfy the bond we can continue our normal lives."

His eyes never left yours as he mulled over your suggestion. "So, you're saying that if we keep fucking then we can go back to before."

You nodded.

JJ turned his head from yours and stared up at the sky again. He watched the crescent moon, which when he tilted his head resembled a frown.

"Okay," he finally replied. 

Before you could say any more, a booming voice made you freeze in terror. 

"Hey, who's out there?"

You and JJ scrambled to your feet and frantically searched for your clothes. Your heartbeat was erratic as you caught sight of a man on the other end of the beach. His shining light and the silhouette of his vest were a dead giveaway that he was a cop patrolling the public beach.

You only had time to slip on your skirt before JJ yanked your wrist, pulling you from the scene.

"Come on, Montgomery!" he ran, dragging you behind him. You held your top up to cover your bare chest as you stumbled behind the Pogue, who managed to get all of his clothes on in time. You sprinted through the sand and towards the parking lot where the dirt bike you noticed earlier was parked. JJ found a set of keys in his pocket and looked up, finally catching sight of you. Despite the gravity of the situation, he couldn't help but laugh at the wide-eyed Kook, clutching a top against her naked chest and trembling in fear. 

"Fuck off," you hissed, hands shaking as you attempted to lace up the back of the top behind your neck. 

JJ spun your around and swiftly tied it into a knot, saving you time. He shoved a helmet into your hands, and your mouth gaped as you realized he wanted you to get onto his bike.

"You want me to get on that...that death contraption?" you shrieked as he put his own helmet on. He rolled his eyes and grabbed the spare helmet from you, placing it onto your head unwillingly.

"You wanna get booked for public indecency?" he retorted.

You remained silent but huffed to show your displeasure. 

JJ guided you onto the vehicle and revved the engine. Just as he kicked off the brake, your face dropped with realization.

"Wait! My shoes, I left them on the beach!"

"Tough luck, sweetheart. You're gonna have to get a new pair."

"But they're Louis Vuitton," you cried in despair, earning a scoff and exaggerated eye roll, which although you couldn't see you could feel. 

Your vintage heels were forgotten as you heard the police officer getting closer, "Stop right there, or I'll call for backup!"

JJ merely revved the engine in response and guided your arms around his waist. You gripped onto him for dear life as he sped out of the parking lot and onto the road, leaving the poor man a blubbering mess.

You clutched the fabric of JJ's shirt tightly as he weaved in and out of lines like a maniac. You feared for your life, but the adrenaline coursing through your veins was insatiable. You leaned your head back and shut your eyes, relishing in the feeling of the beating wind blowing your hair back. You laughed at the sensation and your situation.

Never would you have guessed that a Montgomery-Cameron family gathering would end with you on the back of the Pogue Prince's humble steed running from the police.

And you couldn't help but revel in the incredulity of it all. 

[katakaluptastrophy]

Thinking once again about the anniversary dinner, and about how the unusual isolation of Canaan House gives us the wrong impression about the lives of the scions, who would normally be surrounded by those retainers, attendants, and domestics forbidden in the Emperor's letter.

The Fifth clearly not only can and do cook, but enjoy doing so. If they're casually throwing together a dinner party for 20 people, you have to assume they've done something in that ballpark before.

But for all that we get Magnus' self-effacing comments about being better at making dessert than duelling and non-threatening, apron-wearing Abigail, this is something that will be very much a hobby for them. Abigail is the feudal despot of perhaps the most powerful House in the Dominicus System, and Magnus is a chief civil servant at the heart of the imperial bureaucracy. They may have the facilities to and enjoy cooking for each other and their friends. But they are almost certainly not doing that regularly.

Nor are they hosting a dinner party in quite the way us plebs would think about it.

Most of us probably don't casually invite 20 friends, acquaintances, and rivals round on whim, but then again, most of us don't have the domestic assistance they're clearly used to and still have access to in Canaan House:

"The appearance of two skeletons bearing an enormous tureen of food...under Abigail's direction, they filled everyone's bowl..." "...the various Houses stood around with warm cups in their hands to watch the skeletons clear up...listening to...the clatter of skeletons with used up knives and forks."

They may have cooked a fantastic spread, but it seems like the tables have been set (with those "yellowing tablecloth[s]" brought out of "deep storage") by the skeleton servitors. The food has been served and cleared away by them. Perhaps they have also been involved in some of the preparation - after all, it is much more pleasant to cook when you don't have to chop onions for 20.

[letsgetrowdy43]

Take Me As I Come (Rowan's Version)—

Nico Hischier x Angie Chandler

Warnings: A lot of angst, some undersage drinking and partying, swearing, if you notice anything else please lmk!

Based on the song "Take Me As I Come" by Evan Honer and Wyatt Flores

Au Masterlist!

Another day, another regret, try to remember how the night went Oh, this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, tells me it didn't go well

Angie woke up to a harsh beam of sunlight cutting through the gap in the heavy hotel curtains. Her head throbbed with a relentless, pounding ache, and her mouth felt like sandpaper. She squinted against the light and groaned, slowly piecing together the events of the previous night.

The draft. The endless anticipation. The crushing disappointment.

It all kinda felt like a blur, it was two days fuelled by nerves, and then ending with the downfall of her dreams.

he tried to sit up but immediately regretted it as a wave of nausea swept over her. Her phone buzzed on the nightstand, and she winced as she reached for it. "Congrats to all the draftees! The future of hockey looks bright!" read one of the many notifications that flooded her team's group chat.

She threw the phone back onto the bed beside her, the notifications a cruel reminder of what she'd lost and what she would never accomplish. All of her best friends had been drafted in the past two days. She remembered the moment vividly: Jack's name being called, the roar of the crowd, the tears of joy streaming down Ellen's face. Angie had clapped and cheered, forcing a smile as her next teammate was called, and then another, and then another, and so forth.

She was proud of her boys, but it still felt like the world was quickly collapsing around her.

After that, everything had become a blur of congratulations and celebrations. The league had thrown the families of draftees a party and Angie had been pulled into the center of it, the designated best friend, expected to share in their joy.

She’d taken shot after shot, each one a futile attempt to drown her sorrow. The night devolved into a haze of loud music, laughter, and her own silent despair which ultimately led her to now, in pain both physically and mentally, staring at the roof of a hotel room she was even sure was hers.

"Angie, are you okay?" Trevor's voice startled her from her thoughts as she looked to the other bed in the room that was crowded with a hungover Jack, Trevor, and Cole, all still clad in their draft jerseys. "Yeah, just... so happy for you guys," she’d lied, her smile filled with hurt.

Angie dragged herself out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face, hoping to wash away the remnants of last night. The girl staring back at her in the mirror looked as broken as she felt, red-rimmed eyes, tangled hair, and a vacant expression.

She needed to get out of this room, out of this headspace.

★★★★

Lost a couple of my friends, and in the morning try to mend Can't fix what's in pieces for my selfish reasons, tryna run from myself

Angie lay in her bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. The room was dark, the air seemed thick, and the curtains were drawn tight to block out the sunlight.

Days had blended into nights in a haze of grief and self-pity. Her phone lay discarded next to her, the battery almost dead from lack of use. She had ignored countless calls and messages, isolating herself from the world outside.

Her body ached from inactivity, her muscles stiff and sore. She knew she needed to get up, to do something, anything, but the weight of her disappointment kept her pinned to the mattress.

this was truly peak bed-rotting.

The draft had been a week ago, but the heartbreak felt as raw and fresh as ever. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the names being called, and felt the sting of her own failure, she could've worked harder, could've pushed herself to be better, be better at interviews, and be more welcoming like all of her teammates.

In a moment of restless boredom, she picked up her phone and scrolled aimlessly through social media. Highlights from the draft, celebratory posts from her friends, and news articles all seemed to mock her failure. She switched to YouTube, hoping to find something to distract herself. As she scrolled through recommended videos, a familiar thumbnail caught her eye, one of her interviews with ESPN, her shy smile next to Jack's bright one staring right back at her as she chewed her lip with anxiety.

Angie hesitated, her finger hovering over the screen as she thought back to that fateful day.

That Angie was pathetically naive.

She remembered that interview, how excited and hopeful she had been. The reporter had asked her about her dreams, her journey, and her expectations for the draft.

She clicked on the video, and her own face appeared on the screen. She looked so young, so gullible. The Angie on the screen was full of optimism, talking about her rigorous training schedule, her supportive family, and how much it meant to her to be on the brink of her NHL dream.

It was such a load of bullshit.

People must have watched this and laughed at how hopeful she had been, how big-eyed and almost greedy she was to think that she was worthy of achieving the unimaginable. her heart crushed a little knowing that this version of Angie would never get to have her moment, never get to be the best, or even amongst the bests.

"I've worked so hard for this moment," she heard herself say. "I know I have what it takes, and I'm just so grateful for the opportunity."

Angie felt a wave of nausea as she watched. How could she have been so sure of herself? How could she have believed that everything would go perfectly? She had been so confident, so certain that her name would be called. It was almost laughable now, seeing how wrong she had been.

She shut her phone off, unable to stomach another second of humiliation, that video was a whole life time ago, she was not that Angie anymore, that version of Angie had never felt the pain of not being good enough before. This current Angie had felt that hell, and to think that she could go from so hopeful to so crushed felt so morbid.

★★★★

I let a lot of people down, they're not surprised this time around They say I'm a ticking time bomb, way too fucking far gone to probably get some help

Angie was startled as Quinn burst through the door of her room, his brows furrowed with worry as he walked up to the window and ripped the curtains open. "Shouldn't you be at the rink," she groaned as the light hit her face, rolling over to be face down into her mattress. "You be at the rink as well," he said with a snappy tone and a face of concern.

He didn't wait for a response. Instead, he kicked off his boots and collapsed onto the bed beside her. The mattress sank under his weight, and she rolled into his side for comfort as they lay there for a second of silence.

Quinn sighed, running a hand through his messy curls. "Dad's been asking about you," he said, his voice gentle, "Jimmy misses your face around the gym, he's been complaining that his favourite girl isn't there to show all the boys up." Angie closed her eyes, the mention of Jimmy pulling at her heartstrings.

Jimmy had been like a second father to her, always pushing her to be her best, always believing in her when she didn't believe in herself.

The thought of him missing her stung deeply.

But the thought of lacing up her skates and never being considered worthy of being the best stung even more

"I don't know, Quinn," she whispered as her hand played with the bracelet on his wrist, one she had given him as a souvenir after her first U18 Woman's Worlds, her voice barely audible, "I don't think I'm cut out to be a failure, its all too much for me." Quinn turned to her, his expression unreadable as he shook his head, "you're not giving up. You've worked too hard, and come too far to let this setback define you."

Angie shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes as she dug the heels of her palms into her eyes trying to stop the burning, "I don't even know where to start. I've lost all my confidence. I can't face them, Quinn. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be so naive and thousands of people got a front row to witness it?" Quinn sat up, leaning over her so she would look him in the eyes "Listen to me. You're one of the strongest women I know. This... this is just a bump in the road. But you need to get out of this bed and start moving forward before you're stuck in this rut forever."

She let out a sigh as she pushed his face out of her line of view, a smile on his face as he watched her lips turn up into a grin at the sight of him hanging off the side of her bed.

"Promise me you'll try?" he asked, standing up to finally leave for the rink. She nodded as she sat up and pulled her knees up to her chest, "we'll see," she pressed her cheek against her knee as he mumbled a quick goodbye followed by an apology for his short visit before he left to head to training. With that, Quinn left the room, leaving Angie alone with her thoughts again.

A few moments later, her phone buzzed on the nightstand. She reached for it, her heart dropping to the pit of her stomach as she saw the caller ID, "Jimmy".

With a shaky breath, she pressed the phone to her cheek and answered, "Hey, Jim." "Angie," Jim's voice boomed through the phone, warm and a little surprised at the quick response, "what's going on, kiddo?"

Angie swallowed hard, tears threatening to spill over, "I'm sorry, Jim. I just... I don't know if I can do this anymore." "You are not a quitter Ange," he said kindly, the sound of skates on the ice slowly disappearing as he headed into one of the dressing rooms for some privacy, "you've got a hell of a lot more fight in ya', and so much more hockey to play."

Angie took a deep breath, feeling a flicker of the old fire reignite within her, "I don't know where to start. I feel so lost." "Start by getting up," Jim said, "come back to the gym. Let us help you get back on track. You're not alone in this, Angie. We’re a team, remember?"

A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she listened to the hope in his voice, "Okay, Jim. I'll be there tomorrow." "That's my girl," Jim said, pride evident in his voice. "We'll see you then."

Tomorrow, she would face the world again. She wasn't done yet.

★★★★

Take me as I come, or don't take me at all I'm gonna let you down, I'm gonna lead you lost

The University of Minnesota's hockey arena buzzed with the energy of pre-season training. Angie walked through the doors, her heart pounding with a mix of nervousness and excitement. It had been months since she had felt this way, a spark of anticipation that she had almost forgotten.

The door to the girl's locker room creaked open, and Angie was greeted by a chorus of voices and laughter. The University of Minnesota women's hockey team was in full swing, getting ready for their first practice of preseason development camp. The air was thick with friendship, and for the first time in a long while, Angie felt excited.

"Hey, you must be Angie Chandler!" a girl with long brunette hair and half of her gear on said, stepping forward with a bright smile. "I'm Taylor. We've heard so much about you." Angie smiled back, though her nerves still tingled. "Yeah, that's me. Nice to meet you."

The rest of the team gathered around, each one introducing themselves with genuine warmth. A wave of relief washed over Angie, this was gonna be good, these girls didn't look at her with pity or judgement; they looked at her with admiration and curiosity.

"We've been dying to meet you," another girl, Amy, said. "The trainers have been bragging about you for weeks. Says you're the best player they've ever seen." Angie's cheeks flushed with embarrassment as her smile grew shy, "they're just being nice." "No, seriously," Taylor chimed in, "We've all seen the highlights. You're incredible. We've all been talking about how cool it is that you're joining us."

Angie couldn't help but smile as she was pulled into a hug by two of her teammates before they showed her where her locker was. The acceptance and praise from her new teammates felt like a balm to her wounded spirit. For so long, she had felt like an outsider, her place on a team had always been conditional, with the expectation of being the greatest, her confidence shattered by the draft's rejection. But here, among these girls, she felt a sense of belonging she hadn't experienced in months.

As they chatted, Angie found herself opening up, sharing stories about her experiences, the US boys, her training, and even sharing a little about her draft. The girls listened, asking questions and expressing their admiration. They made her feel welcome, and for the first time in a long time, she felt like she was part of something bigger than herself.

★★★★

Darling, I mean well, I won't leave 'til I'm gone I'm the maker of hell, Burn every bridge I've known

Angie laid in her bed, phone pressed up against her ear as she listened to Quinn's rambling on the other end. Her muscles were sore from practice, but it was a good kind of sore, the kind that reminded her she was moving forward. However, Quinn’s voice on the other end brought back a wave of frustration.

"Have you talked to Jack?" "Briefly," she mumbled as she flipped through her notebook, "I kinda snapped on him so we haven't talked since... I'm a shit friend"

Quinn let out a sigh, "your not a shit friend, maybe a little Hotheaded, but he understands, you're both going through changes right now," Angie bit her lip, feeling a pang of guilt. "I don't know, he’s struggling, and instead of being supportive, I just made it about me." "You're only human," Quinn said softly, "you’re allowed to feel hurt and frustrated. But you need to talk to him, clear the air."

sometimes Quinn was too kind for his own good.

"He misses you, you know." "I miss him too," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "It’s just hard to hear about his struggles, knowing that could've been me. It's like a constant reminder of what I lost." "I get that," Quinn replied. "But Jack looks up to you, you're his best friend, and he needs your support, even if things didn’t go the way you planned."

Angie closed her eyes as her hands rubbed small circles into her temples, "I know. I just... I feel so angry all the time. It’s like I can't control it anymore." "You’ve been through a lot," Quinn said gently. "But you’re stronger than all of this."

She sat there tears in her eyes, silence settling between them as she wiped her tears and let his words really sink it.

★★★★

Another night, another mistake, and I wound up at the same place In a cheap hotel room with the parking lot view, still not sure where I am

If there was one thing she learned in her first year of university it was that parties were fun in moderation, but too many made the nights blur into her days and it all felt a little mind-numbing.

Her lips pressed against some random guy, the only things she had learned about him being that he was a pledge in the frat that was throwing the party she was currently at and that he was majoring in business psychology. His kisses were rough, his poorly grown mustache kinda scratchy, and his hands pinching a little too hard at the skin of her hips.

She pulled away, head spinning as she watched his face pull into a frown, “you okay?” His hands found her shoulders to steady her as her eyes glazed over with drunken haze. “I don't know,” she mumbled, wiping the beer taste from her lips as his hands kept her grounded, “I need to go home.”

She pulled away from him without another word heading towards the door but not before he followed right after her, “you can't walk home alone," his hand reached out for hers, but she pulled away and walked even faster. “I'm fine, I'm not interested in you coming to my dorm with the intention of fucking me, I don't even know you,” she stated not even looking back at him.

“Thats not what I'm trying to do!” “I'm fine!” she yelled out as she left him on the lawn watching with a concerned look on his face as she stubbornly and drunkenly headed in the direction of the university.

She miraculously made her way back to her dorm unharmed and in one piece, her head spinning and tears brimming her eyes as she collapsed on her bed. Her gaze landed on the photo of her and Jack huddled around a campfire, it was 4th of July the summer going into senior year and life seemed so set at that time.

Her lips trembled as the palms of her hands dug into her eyes, trying to stop the tears before they started. She hadn't spoken to Jack in weeks, the last time they had called she yelled at him for complaining about hsi rookie year. She was loosing everything, loosing herself to a rejection that happened months ago.

Her phone vibrated as a notification, Jack had liked the spam post she had posted a few hours prior on her finsta. The account a little photo album of her life that was only shared with the closest of friends.

She stared at the notification and then dialled Jack's number, her head beginning to pound as the effects of the liqour began to wear off. Without giving herself time to overthink it, she dialed Jack's number.

He picked up by the second ring. "Ange?" "I miss you and I'm sorry for being a bitch," she blurted out, her voice cracking.

There was a pause on the other end of the line before Jack spoke, his tone gentle as he listened to her ragged breaths, "Angie, it's okay. What's going on?"

Tears welled up in her eyes as she tried to find the words. "Everything's just so messed up, Jack. School, hockey, the media... I feel like I'm drowning, and ive ruined our friendship by taking it all out on you." "Hey, take a deep breath," Jack said softly, "I'm not going anywhere, you were upset and i know you didnt mean it. Just talk to me."

Angie took a shaky breath, trying to steady herself as she laid an arm over her eyes to block her vision, needing the room to stop spinning, "I thought I could handle it all, you know? But it's just too much. And I pushed you away because I didn't know how to deal with everything." "I get it, Ang," Jack replied, "You've always put so much pressure on yourself. But you don't have to do it alone. I'm here for you, no matter what."

His words were a soothing to her nerves, and she felt a bit of the tension in her chest at ease, "I just... I miss how things used to be. Before everything got so complicated. I miss michigan and living with you and getting to see you everyday." "Me too," Jack admitted, "but we're still us."

A fresh wave of tears spilled over as she heard the sincerity in his voice. "Thank you, Jack. I really needed to hear that."

They talked for a while longer, Angie pouring out her heart as Jack listened. He shared stories from his own life, making her laugh and reminding her of the bond they shared. By the time they hung up, she felt more grounded, more like herself.

As she lay back down, her phone buzzed again. This time, it was a message from Jack.

"Always here for you, Ange. Get some rest. We'll talk more tomorrow."

★★★★

I left my heart in the car, and I parked it real far So she wouldn't notice or ever gain focus, of who I am

Almost a year and a half had passed since that night, and life had gotten a little easier as time went on, but the scars of the draft still remained, a distant memory that she couldn't seem to shake.

She was now a junior at the University of Minnesota, and her life had taken on a new rhythm. The demands of college hockey, coupled with the growing media attention around her breaking barriers in the sport, had kept her busier than ever.

But tonight, she was trying to take a break from it all.

She was gonna have a boy over.

She sat on the edge of her bed in her dorm room, laughing at something a boy named Aaron had said. They had met in one of her elective classes, a painting class they were both taking for some art credits, and he seemed genuinely nice, a refreshing change from the usual attention she received.

He took her out for a nice dinner, opened all the doors for her, and even paid for their meal, and now they were lounging around in her dorm. Laughter filled the air as he shamelessly flirted with her, tucking her hair behind her ear and whispering about how pretty she was before pressing a gentle kiss to her lips.

A look of an unwanted question took over his expression as he stared at her for a second.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

He blinks for a second, "I'm trying to figure out where I've seen you before, I feel like I've seen your face even before this semester" Her cheeks redden as she brings her knees up to her chest, cheek pressed against her leg. "I don't know what you're talking about," she laughs a little nervously as he squints, obviously picking up on the uncomfortable energy between them.

"You just look so familiar," Aaron insisted, his brow furrowing as he tried to place her, "Wait a minute... You're the Angie Chandler, as in the girl who tried to break into the NHL but didn't get drafted?"

Angie's stomach dropped.

She had hoped he wouldn't recognize her, that for once she could just be a normal college student without the weight of her past hanging over her.

She forced a smile. "Yeah, that's me." "It all makes sense now," he let out a laugh, "I remember watching that video of you after the draft, and thinking about how pretty you were," he said it so casually as if that wasn't the most traumatic moment of her life.

Aaron's expression shifted to a mix of curiosity and something else she couldn't quite place.

"Must be tough, huh? Being good enough to get all that attention but not quite good enough to make it." Her heart sank, and she felt a surge of anger, "excuse me?" He shrugged, seemingly oblivious to the impact of his words. "I mean, it's gotta sting a little, right? All that hype and then... nothing. That's some deep shit."

She already knows that. She lived through the humiliation

Angie stood up from her spot on the bed, her eyes flashing with anger, "You need to leave." "What? Angie, come on. I didn't mean it like that." "I don't care how you meant it. Get out."

Aaron stood up, confusion and annoyance on his face. "Fine. Whatever. I was just being honest." "Get out!" she yelled, pointing to the door.

He left without another word, the door slamming behind him.

A dramatic exit for a man who had just unburied a feeling that she had spent a long time trying to cover up.

Angie stood in the middle of the room for a moment, her chest heaving with emotion as the heels of her palms dug into her eyes to stop the stinging of tears. She felt tears prick at her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.

Not for someone like him.

★★★★

And take me as I come, or I'll take me at all Gonna let you down, gonna lead you lost

Angie remembers every single second and feeling of the moment she got called up to the league.

The feeling of sitting next to her roommate, the two of them working on their sports management presentation as her phone began to ring in her jeans pocket.

She remembers the furrowing of her brows as she looks down at the random number on her screen.

The shakiness of her voice as she finally answered the call.

how she had hesitated for a moment before answering, a quiet "Hello?" followed by a "Hi, is this Evangeline Chandler?" a professional-sounding voice asked. "Yes, this is she." "Ms. Chandler, this is Tom Fitzgerald from the New Jersey Devils. We’ve been following your progress and would like to discuss a potential opportunity with our organization. Would you be available to come out and meet with us later this week?"

Angie's heart skipped a beat at the offer, she sat up straight, her eyes wide with disbelief as she elbowed her roommate, "Are you serious?" "Absolutely. We believe you have a lot of potential here and we’d like to see if you’d be a good fit for our team. We’d like to fly you out this Thursday to discuss this in more detail."

Angie was at a loss for words.

She looked at Taylor, who was watching her with a curious expression, clearly sensing something big was happening.

"Um, yes, I can definitely come out. Thank you so much for this opportunity." "Great. Our team will email you the details shortly. We look forward to meeting you, Ms. Chandler." "Thank you. I look forward to it too." Angie hung up the phone, her hands trembling. She turned to Taylor, her face a mixture of shock and excitement as the tears began to run down her cheeks.

she needed to call her parents, to call Wllen and Jim, to speak to everyone who had helped her get to this point in her life

"What is it?" Taylor asked as she ditched the project sitting in front of them.

Angie took a deep breath, trying to steady herself, "That was the New Jersey Devils. They want to fly me out to talk about a potential spot on the team." Taylor's eyes widened, and then a huge grin spread across her face before she flung herself into Angie's arms, "Oh my God, Ange! That's incredible!"

"I know!" Angie practically shouted, the reality of the situation starting to sink in. "I can't believe this is happening!" Taylor pulled back, holding Angie's shoulders and looking her in the eyes. "You deserve this. You've worked so hard, and you're amazing. This is just the beginning."

Angie looked down at her phone, her screen blowing up with texts from Quinn, Luke, and Jack.

Angie felt tears of joy welling up in her eyes, "I don't even know what to say. I'm just... so happy."

She especially remembers how spent the next hour calling her parents, the Hughes', and the coaches she was still in touch with. Angie was finally accomplishing her dreams, and there wasn't a person out there who she wasn't gonna tell, she needed people to know she was truly enough.

★★★★

And darling, I mean well, I won't leave 'til I'm gone I'm the maker of hell, burn every bridge I've known

Amanda Stein, the Devils’ dedicated reporter, had seen many players come and go through the organization. But today was different.

Today, she was sitting down with Evangeline Chandler. The first woman to be seriously considered for a spot on the New Jersey Devil's roster.

The excitement in the air was palpable as she set up her equipment and prepared her notes. Angie, as she preferred to be called, was an extraordinary athlete with an inspiring story.

Angie walked into the room, her nerves carefully masked by a determined smile. She wore a sharp, professional outfit, yet her eyes held a warmth that made her instantly approachable.

Amanda stood up to greet her.

“Hi, Angie. I’m Amanda Stein. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” “Hi, Amanda. The pleasure is mine,” Angie replied, shaking her hand firmly before taking a seat.

Once they were both settled, Amanda turned on the recorder and smiled reassuringly at Angie. “Let’s just have a conversation. I want to hear your story.” Angie nodded, taking a deep breath. “Sounds good. Where should we start?” Amanda glanced at her notes briefly. “Let’s start with the last few years. I know they’ve been a rollercoaster for you.”

Angie laughed softly, nodding. “That’s an understatement. It’s been quite a journey.” “Can you walk us through it? From the draft disappointment to now?” Angie leaned back in her chair, her gaze distant for a moment as she recalled the past. “Sure. Well, not being drafted was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I had put everything into preparing for that moment, and when it didn’t happen, it felt like my world had crumbled.”

She paused, collecting her thoughts. “I questioned everything—my abilities, my future, whether or not I even belonged in the sport anymore. But, as time went on, I realized that setbacks don’t define you. It’s how you respond to them that matters.”

Amanda nodded, her pen moving swiftly across her notebook. “How did you respond?” “I threw myself into college hockey,” Angie said. “I wanted to prove to myself that I still had what it took, and I just wanted to play more hockey. I worked harder than ever before, both on and off the ice. I also had an incredible support system—my family, friends, and coaches. Not to mention the girls on the team, they really had been my rocks while I was dealing with the come down from the draft. They never let me give up on myself.”

“And now, here you are, on the verge of potentially making NHL history. How does that feel?” “It feels surreal,” Angie admitted, her eyes lighting up. “But it’s also incredibly motivating. I know I have a lot to prove—not just to the Devils, but to myself and to everyone who’s ever doubted me. I want to show that I deserve this spot, and I’m ready to work harder than ever to make New Jersey proud.”

“What would you say has been the biggest lesson you’ve learned throughout this journey?” Angie thought for a moment. “Resilience. Life is going to knock you down, and sometimes it’s going to knock you down hard. But you have to get back up. You have to keep fighting and be willing to put in the work, no matter how tough it gets.”

Amanda nodded, sensing the passion in Angie’s voice, “What do you hope to achieve if you make the team?” “I hope to inspire others,” Angie said without hesitation. “I want young girls to see that they can achieve anything they set their minds to, regardless of the obstacles. I want to be a role model, not just in how I play, but in how I present myself both on and off the ice.”

Amanda smiled warmly, “You’re already well on your way to doing just that, Angie. Is there anything you’d like to say to the Devils’ fans?” Angie turned to the camera, her expression sincere. “I want to thank everyone for their support. It means the world to me. I promise that I will give everything I have to this team. I’m here to work hard, to learn, and to help bring success to New Jersey. Thank you for believing in me.”

Amanda closed her notebook and turned off the recorder. “Thank you, Angie. That was wonderful.” “Thank you, Amanda. I appreciate the opportunity to share.”

★★★★

And take me as I come, or don't take me at all I'm gonna let you down, I'm gonna lead you lost

The air in the Prudential Center was electric the night of her first game. Fans packed the stands, waving red and black Devils flags and cheering loudly.

Angie Chandler stood in the tunnel, her heart pounding in her chest. Tonight was the night she had dreamed about for years—her first NHL game.

And it wasn't just any game; it was against the New York Rangers, the Devils' fierce rivals.

Angie adjusted her helmet, trying to steady her nerves. She glanced over to Jack and Jesper, who smiled at her widely and gave her pats of encouragement on the head. She took a deep breath and skated out onto the ice, the roar of the crowd echoing in her ears as she completed her rookie lap, confidently waving to the crowd as she looked around at the thousands of people in the stands. The spotlight followed her, illuminating her as she took her position at center ice before the rest of the team came out behind her.

The game started with a fast pace, both teams eager to establish dominance.

Angie felt the adrenaline surge through her veins as she skated hard, keeping up with the intense speed of the game. This was unlike any hockey game she had ever played before. Her focus was razor-sharp, her eyes scanning the ice for any opportunity to make a play, to prove herself.

Midway through the first period, Angie found herself in a pivotal moment in the game. Jack passed her the puck from the blue line, and she intercepted it cleanly. She glanced up, seeing an opening. With a burst of speed, she charged towards the Rangers' net, her stick handling the puck with precision. The defensemen closed in on her, but she deked around one, then another, and found herself one-on-one with the goalie.

Time seemed to slow down.

Angie took a quick breath, pulled her stick back, and snapped a shot. The puck sailed past the goalie's glove and into the top corner of the net.

The red light flashed, and the crowd erupted in a deafening cheer. Angie's teammates swarmed her, their faces lit up with excitement.

She had scored her first NHL goal.

Jack slammed her into the board a grin on his face as an excited cheer left his mouth as he hugged her before another teammate slammed into the side of them, and then another, and another, before all of them headed to the bench.

This is what she was meant to be doing with her life, she thought to herself as she came back to reality and looked around at the rowdy crowd. This was worth the fight.

★★★★

Darling, I mean well, I won't leave 'til I'm gone I'm the maker of hell, Burn every bridge I've known

The first season had been a whirlwind.

Many ups and downs, many media dilemmas and challenges, but also so many amazing memories. This was a dream that she wasn't willing to wake up from.

The New Jersey Devils had made it to the playoffs, and though they didn't win the Stanley Cup, Angie’s contributions were undeniable.

The off-season had arrived, bringing a much-needed break which meant in just a few short days she be back in Texas with her parents for a few weeks, then Europe for a short vacation, and then back to Michigan for training.

But for the time being Angie was in New Jersey, giving back to the hockey community for the last time in her rookie season. Today she was at a community event hosted by the Devils, where fans could meet their favourite players, get autographs, and take pictures.

As she stood near a booth, signing autographs and chatting with fans, she noticed a little girl in a Devils jersey standing off to the side, clutching a poster of Angie. The girl looked shy, her eyes wide with admiration as Angie smiled and waved her over.

"Hi there! What's your name?" Angie asked as the girl approached hesitantly. "I'm Lily," the girl replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "It's nice to meet you, Lily. Would you like me to sign your poster?"

Lily nodded eagerly, handing over the poster and a shiny gold Sharpie, Angie signed it, adding a little heart next to her name. She handed it back to Lily, who beamed with excitement.

"Thank you!" Lily exclaimed, her shyness momentarily forgotten. "You're my favourite player. I want to be just like you when I grow up."

Angie felt a lump form in her throat. She knelt down to be at eye level with Lily, her heart swelling with pride and emotion. "That's wonderful, Lily. Do you play hockey?" Lily nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! I'm on a team, and I play forward, just like you. I want to be as good as you someday."

Angie smiled warmly as Lily slipped one of the friendship bracelets on her wrist and handed it over to Angie, "that's amazing. Keep practicing, work hard, and never give up on your dreams." Lily's eyes sparkled with determination. "I will! My mom says you're a trailblazer. What does that mean?"

Angie chuckled softly as she ran her fingers the her hair, "It means that I'm one of the first to do something, and hopefully, it makes it easier for others to follow. I want to show girls like you that you can do anything, even if it seems impossible." Lily nodded, her expression serious. "I'm going to be a trailblazer too, just like you."

Angie felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes, she reached out and gently squeezed Lily's hand. "I know you will be, Lily. And I'll be cheering you on every step of the way."

Lily threw her arms around Angie in a spontaneous hug, catching her off guard. Angie hugged her back, feeling a deep sense of fulfillment.

This moment.

This connection made everything worth it—the challenges, the setbacks, the hard work. She had inspired someone, and that was the greatest victory of all.

-

-

-

[scarletttries]

Roman Roy (Succession) x Reader Headcanons Part Two

Pairing: Roman Roy (Succession) x Reader

Word count: 2.3k (warnings: mention of Logany child abuse)

Author’s Note: Roman Roy, when did you make such a permanent camp in my little heart? Thank you for all the messages and comments asking for part two of these headcanons! Part one of these headcanons are here, they were initially written as age gap headcanons but I think these could be enjoyed with any (adult) reader's age in mind at this point :) Also please continue to fill my inbox with Kendall and Roman requests because I am thinking about little else! 😊

- When your friends ask exactly what's going on between you and Roman it's not easy to answer. Deep down you know that there isn't anyone he feel closer to, Roman opting to spend as much of his time hassling you as possible, but he doesn't exactly articulate what he's feeling, leaving you to piece together the clues in his behaviour to work out just what you mean to him.

- Like the first time you ever saw him scared; you were both stood leaning against the back wall of the bullpen while Logan set up a makeshift stage to rally the troops and reassure them that despite the recent headlines 'he wasn't fucking going anywhere.' Roman had been his usual sarcastic joking self as the speech kicked off, happy for a reason to have you huddled next to him, unable to draw his gaze from your face, awestruck by your beauty even in the office's hard fluorescent lighting, and then Logan raised his voice. His shouts of 'killing the competition' and 'annihilating anyone in their way' immediately turned Roman from a charming, blasé professional to a scared little boy, stood frozen to attention lest he do something to piss off his father. You watch as his eyes all but clenched shut at the chorus of shouts, his jaw tensing to the point we were sure you could see his muscles trembling. Conscious of the crowd around you, you scooted one small step to the side, edging closer to Roman until with a gentle lean your right shoulder delicately met his left. You stilled as you gaged his reaction, not wanting to push a man who already had a habit of retreating away from any affection shone his way. But after a few seconds you watched his eyes blink open, his lips parting to let out a trembling sigh as he leaned his weight slightly into you, your brushing shoulders the anchor he needed in the storm of his father's tirade. Even after Logan's speech had ended and the crowd dispersed, he seemed reluctant to part himself from the warmth of the corner you shared, promising to come find you later 'just in case the Roy's hadn't wasted enough of your time today.'

- The supportive instincts you felt towards Roman as you grew close were not unreciprocated, the usually isolated man being surprised by his own protective streak as it emerged. It would come across in small ways at first, Roman keeping an eye out for who spoke to you at parties and inserting himself in the middle of conversations if he thought someone was getting a bit too friendly. He'd hold a door open to guide you through, putting his hand on your lower back as you moved past him only to feel his entire body jolt with electricity at the slightest bit of contact with your skin.

- One morning he'd be perched on the edge of your desk, where he found himself more and more these days, the hours he spent away from your company dragging until you were together again, like his life had been spent entirely in the shadows but suddenly he had the sun all to himself in you. As you let him fill you in about the latest drama from the top floor, the deafening shriek of the fire alarm blared down on you, making you flinch with its uncomfortable volume. Before you could move out of your seat, you felt the warm hands of Roman Roy settle either side of your face, protecting your ears as he tried to mouth 'It's just a test' over the echoing rings. As his hands rested against your cheeks they didn't tremble or twitch like he usually did around you, they were soft and safe, comforting you while blocking out the noise, Roman pleasantly surprised by how comfortable he felt touching you like this, your soft, rosy cheeks warm under his touch. It took him a few adoring seconds too long to realise the alarm had stopped and now you were just staring at him with a soft smile that had his stomach turning in a way he didn't quite recognise, but wouldn't mind feeling again.

- Reading between the lines is an essential skill when it comes to being close friends with Roman, his childhood of ridicule and discipline making him wary of opening himself up and asking for what he wants. You find him waiting for you in the Reception of Waystar one morning, practically launching himself out of his seat once you step through the large glass doors.

"Jesus don't you ever take a day off? Like, just fucking play hookie sometimes?" First thing in the morning you feel like you've joined a conversation that's been happening without you for an hour, trying to get catch up,

"Uhh, I guess I usually take the holidays off, and my birthday. Why? Should I be playing hookie on some random Thursday in April?" You watch his expression closely, recognising the familiar action of his mouth opening and closing as he tries to find the perfect nonchalant way to ask for something, his voice quiet when he speaks again as if he's already hurt his own feelings before you get the chance.

"Fuck you, this random Thursday happens to be my birthday." He feigns looking hurt that you didn't already have this marked in your diary, but you can see what Roman needs and just how badly he needs you to be the one to suggest it.

"Today's your birthday? Happy Birthday Roman! You should definitely take today off! And I should play hookie with you! Come on, let's get out of here." You dial the enthusiasm up to 100 and drag him from the building before he can attempt to make an unconvincing argument that that's not why he mentioned it, grateful that your gentle grip in his hand seems to have momentarily rendered him speechless.

- You spend the rest of the day sat in a local park in the sun, having takeout delivered for lunch, including the best cake your delivery app can make happen at such short notice, watching Roman protest as you tell him to make a wish and blow out the candle, the ever-cynical man telling you that his wish was for 'world peace', so it was guaranteed it wouldn't happen now that you knew.

- The next day when Roman trudged up to his COO office, still internally walking on air after the best birthday he could ever remember. There he found a haphazardly wrapped gift, the first he could ever remember receiving that didn't look like a department store display piece. Inside was a home-baked treat from you, and a planet earth jigsaw with a note that said that his wish of 'World Pieces' had come true. Roman kept that note in the top drawer of his desk whenever he needed to smile, hoping the wish he actually made would come true as well.

- When the nights of family functions grew particularly exhausting, and you had stopped being in Logan's focus enough to merit an invitation, sometimes Roman would find himself torn by indecision of whether or not to try and find you once he escaped the gala in question. Eventually after a few missed late night calls, and an embarrassed cold shoulder from him the next day, you showed him how to just add your phone's location to his 'in case of a work emergency', watching the warm smile flush across his cheeks at how comforted he felt in the knowledge that even when you weren't together, he'd know just how far apart you are.

- It wouldn't be long until one Friday night you'd be at a bar with your friends, probably still trying to collectively decipher what to call you and Roman, having never known anyone quite like him, and suddenly you'd see him slink through the door. He'd look so out of place and uncomfortable in a dive bar without you by his side, increasingly self conscious as each of your friends turn to face him, a knowing giggle spreading round the table as they witnessed the latest event in your bizarre relationship. Roman stood frozen in the doorway as he weighed up what to do, having never thought further than just needing to be wherever you are after a long night of being his father's whipping boy, desperate to be somewhere he felt safe and understood. Recognising the despondent look on his face from reacting to his father's raised voice, you said your goodbyes and collected your things, running over to Roman before he could dash out the door and pretend he hadn't come all this way just to see you.

"I was just about to head home, do you want to make sure I get home safe?" You offered, ignoring the elephant in the dimly lit room of why he was there, a visible wave of relief washing over Roman as he nodded and took your hand,

"Yeah, I'd like that. I have a car outside."

- Roman was clearly on the edge of saying something on the ride back to your place, his lips twitching nervously as if every word that tried to escape them would ruin everything you two had precariously built. It wasn't until he was safely in your home that you perched on the edge of your counter, bringing you to eye level with the fidgeting shape in front of you, that you tried to open the can of worms.

"Is everything okay Roman?" You spoke softly enough that Roman had to stop his pacing and settle into the spot in front of you to reply, letting his torso almost meet your legs where they dangled off the kitchen island.

"All good honey, just all fucking good." He ran his fingers through his slicked back hair as the words felt like acid rising in his throat, even the slightest pet name stirring up every nerve inside of him as he continued, "Speaking of good - we've got a good thing here right?" He gestured between the two of you as he spoke, his hand almost landing on your thigh but never quite braving the landing. His eyes darted up to your confused expression from where they rested, looking down at his shoes like if he didn't see the disgust and judgement on your face then it wasn't there.

You tried to respond kindly, thoughtfully, unsure of exactly how to define the thing between you and even less certain of how Roman saw it,

"Yeah, it's good Roman. We're close." Roman nodded, satisfied enough with the response to continue, desperately trying to ignore the vicious voice of mockery running through his own head, usually echoing his father's words.

"Exactly! We're close...so if I were to call you my girlfriend? That'd be normal right? Like even though we don't..." He trailed off as if he couldn't face addressing his own deviant thoughts or the mental block that stood between him and physical intimacy. His heart hammered in his chest as you considered his words and your own feelings carefully, before gently taking his hand in yours. You let your knees drift apart just enough for Roman to stand between them, encouraging him to take a step forward so your faces were barely an inch or two apart.

"Yeah, I could call you my boyfriend." You tried to deliver the words in the same relaxed tone that the question was asked in, and the walls Roman kept his heart behind betrayed him as a sincere smile flashed across his face at your sweet sentence. He nodded again, his breathing seeming to settle at the agreement, more relaxed now that he knew that these feelings weren't one-sided, that despite being unorthodox this relationship still meant to you what he needed it to.

As the warmth of the moment ran like brandy through his veins he let his eyes drift up to yours, warm and happy, and then to your lips. Roman had never really found himself craving someone's kiss before, but he'd also never felt anything like this, and somehow he knew this time would feel different. Slowly, timidly, like at the back of his mind he still might get a smack across the face at any moment for his behaviour, he leant forward until his lips met yours, barely letting them taste the soft, sweet reception you gave him before drawing back. He took a deep breath and leaned in again, letting himself savour the moment a little longer this time, feeling the corners of his lips tilt up as you kissed him back, the slight pressure against his lips sending his head spinning. His hand found your cheek, somehow even softer than he remembered as he leant his chest forward against yours, his lips parting to capture yours again, needier and hungry to taste more of you, finally understanding why people would write songs and books and films about this feeling, the insatiable need to feel you on his lips sure to plague his thoughts forevermore. You let one hand settle on this back of his neck, thumb stroking softly over the tense muscles there as he forced himself to pull away to breathe, manic hyena laugh echoing through your home as pure exuberance burst out of him that he was finally feeling like this, and with someone as kind and as perfect as you. Quietly you heard him mumble under his breath, "That was actually pretty nice." Which only made you both laugh more, the novelty of finally crossing the line from friends to more, and the ecstatic joy of finding the person you were hoping for, waiting on the other side of that line too.

[yeahspider]

DIAL TONE 🕸️

Ve’s note - 100% self indulgent . sobriety is hard . it’s a struggle but we up yk . minho x fem reader . mdni . hurt/comfort . adult themes . mentions of alcohol and depression . if you’re struggling with addiction just know i love you and that recovery isn’t linear . not proofread . requests are open . enjoy <3

you didn’t want to be in this party any more . the music was too loud and you were too drunk . but you didn’t want to go back to your dorm either . what awaits you there ? silence ? isolation ? you couldn’t take another night of staring at your ceiling . it’s been weeks since you last talked to him . not that you could blame him , you were a mess . a mess that didn’t want to be cleaned . you said some things you didn’t mean , and now you’re left to suffer the consequence of your never ending stream of red solo cups .

nothing is as making the void he left better . but somewhere deep in your brain , the darkest part convinced you if you filled the hole with another drink that it would be alright . but that one drink turned into another and another and eventually the hole spilled over . so here you were pressed up against the wall by some random . his kisses up your neck left you filling emptier than before but it’s hard to tell when you’re knee deep in a binge .

another shot was all you needed . after two more the stranger started to look like minho . but then he would say something and like a jolt to your system your visage would shatter . this isn’t what you wanted . pushing the man off you and grabbing another bottle . you left the party and the terribly loud music . steeping out into the rain you felt the rest of your resolve crumbling . not even the rain could hide your tears as you you opened another bottle .

you didn’t want to live like this anymore . it’s been two years . minho was with you threw it all . and the only thing you did was push him away . you don’t know how long you’ve been sitting at the bench . could he thirty minutes could’ve been two hours . time seemed muddle when you were in this state . the rain had started to slow and you started to shiver . unlocking your phone you see the lock screen of minho you could never bring yourself to change . his smile that graced his face in rare occasion never failed to blow you away .

two minutes of indecision later . your dialing his number . and then two rings in you start to regret it . he owes you nothing . has saved you more times than he could count . so you couldn’t blame him if he didn’t pick up . not after how that last conversation ended in you slamming the door and storming out his apartment . after two more rings he picked up . you couldn’t stop the shock that flooded through you . why did you call him again ? you foundry remember . you barely registered his voice gently asking if you’re alright , or you’re shaky response that resembled a small no .

“send me your location.” you heard him say . and for the first time in your relationship you listened . he told you to stay out and that’s what you did . you couldn’t tell if it’s the liquor coursing through your veins that kept you rooted or sheer desperation to see him again . it took him five minutes to pull up . you know your shivered and soaked form was a sight to see . he stood in front of you for a second . taking in all your rock bottom glory . it room you a second to meet his eyes , and second more for you to whisper out a thank you . he only hummed as he led you to his car and back to his aortemng . only speaking in small bouts as he let you shower and change into a hoodie of his and a pair of leggings you had left at his house awhile ago .

after drying off and sobering up as much as you could you joined him in his bed you’ve spent so many nights in . his eyes caught sight of the bruises left on your neck from earlier and the bags that never seemed to leave from under your eyes . you looked a mess . but to him you were still as beautiful as ever . still his girl . even if you were a little lost . minho twirled a piece of your hair between his finger and that’s all it took for you to break into sobs . clinging on to his shirt his body heat seeped into you as you repeated your sorrys to him like a prayer . he just held you and shushed your apologies .

“i will never give up on you my love. you’ll always have me.” said into your hair . and you beloved him . minho would never fail to dave you no matter how many times you needed it . you wanted to do anything to keep him . even if that meant getting better and healing . because you knew that he would be with you every step of the way .