#it will be a party filled with self isolation | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nayeoniiz · 20 days ago

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I’m So Sick of Me Too

pairings ❥ jay x fem!reader (ft. eric from the boyz)

point of view ❥ third person, omniscient

warnings ❥ N/A

synopsis ❥ after what felt like a sudden breakup with her boyfriend of many years, y/n finds herself holding onto the remaining pieces chipping from a failed relationship. after wallowing in an isolated self pity, her two best friends convince her to go to a party where she meets the perfect boy to fill the void. unsure if her attraction is genuine or a distraction, y/n has one choice to makeㅡ be with her newfound lover or make it work with her first love.

genre ❥ angst, smut

word count ❥ 15,515

taglist: open, just ask!

author’s note: sorry i’m posting this a little later than i had hoped, i just wanted it to be absolutely perfect. ignore any errors, please and thank you. let me know how yall like it! and feel free to leave any future scene suggestions. the plot is set, but the story is an open book.

SERIES MASTERLIST | NEXT | ENHYPEN MASTERLIST

ONE.

“babe,” y/n’s voice pulled jay out of his thoughts. he turned his head to look at her, her expression filled with expectancy—the kind that made his chest tighten. he already knew where this was headed. another argument. “you good?” her question was simple, but jay knew any response could open the floodgates.

it was one of his only days off after a long, grueling week. he was utterly drained. all he wanted was a moment of peace. the energy to engage, to explain, wasn’t there. “yeah,” he muttered, giving her a small nod before turning back to the tv. propping his feet on the coffee table, he stared blankly at the screen, hoping she’d let it go. but the silence only seemed to amplify the tension between them.

y/n shifted in her seat, clearly unsatisfied. “okay…” she replied, her tone trailing off before she reached for the remote and paused the show. the sudden silence made him tense. “then why are you so quiet today?” she pressed, her voice carrying an edge.

jay’s fingers tapped idly against his phone. he exhaled slowly. “i just don’t feel like talking right now,” he said, his voice firm but measured. he hoped that would be enough, but he knew she’d likely not take the hint and let him be. “and i’m not trying to argue either.”

y/n’s eyes narrowed slightly at his last sentence, a feeling of defensiveness rising within her. “okay, well, you haven’t said anything in the past hour. you can save the attitude—i was just checking on you.”

his jaw tightened. “i don’t have an attitude, y/n,” jay said, his tone now laced with frustration. he set his phone down on the armrest, resisting the urge to rub his temples. his shoulders stiffened as he tried to focus on keeping his cool, though irritation bubbled under the surface.

y/n crossed her arms, her voice raising with aim. “and i’m supposed to know that how? show me, don’t tell me.” she tilted her head, raising an eyebrow in challenge, her expression poking at the remaining fragments of his patience.

he turned his head toward her, his gaze heavy. “can you not right now?” the plea in his voice wasn’t subtle and his request didn’t fall deaf on her ears. a flip switched inside of her. her angry facade seemed to quickly chip away, and her true emotion seeped through.

“not what? i’m just trying to spend time with my boyfriend,” she shot back, her voice cracking with the weight of unspoken hurt. “the boyfriend i haven’t seen in forever, mind you, because he’s been working all week.”

by now her voice was soft, trembling. each breath she took was weighted in fear of misinterpretation. “and i’m so sorry if it’s selfish of me, but if there’s any day you feel like ‘not talking,’ why does it have to be the one day we actually get to be together?” she averted his gaze, fidgeting with the buttons on the remote, a quiet plea for understanding.

the words hit him, leaving his breath caught in his throat for a moment. he opened his mouth, searching for any way to defend himself, but nothing felt right. “me not talking doesn’t have anything to do with you,” he finally said, leaning back to lay more on the couch. his voice was tight as he moved his gaze to look past her, crossing one leg over his lap, and tapping his foot on the floor with the other.

y/n let out a bitter laugh. “yeah? well, guess who’s the only one being affected by it?!” the volume of her voice caught both of them off guard. shit. she swore she didn’t mean to yell. before she was able to react, to apologize, or at least explainㅡ jay had already straightened himself up, shooting her a warning gaze.

“stop it, y/n.” his voice rose slightly this time, betraying his simmering frustration. her shoulders slugged, her face turning with every muscle trying to hold back the tears brimming. it only heightened their presence as she began blinking them away.

“i just want to talk,” she said, her voice cracking under the weight of her emotions as they spilled over, unable to bear the sting of his distant demeanor any longer. “am i really that uninteresting that my own boyfriend doesn’t even want to have a conversation with me?”

the air between them grew thick with unspoken words. the silence stretched long enough for both of their thoughts to race. for jay, it was a desperate search for the right words, something that could fix this—or at least end it. for y/n, it was a growing ache in her chest, a sense that something irreversible was about to happen. she began rubbing her arm softly in a back and forth motion, anticipating.

when jay finally spoke, his voice was steady, deliberate. “i want to break up.” the words hung in the air. she found herself remaining silent as she looked at him, unsure of what to do. while this wasn't exactly something new for them, there was something different about the look in his eyes this time around. their eyes stayed fixed on each other, a distant gaze in place of connection. his words echoed loudly in her ears.

her lips parted slightly, but no sound came out. she blinked, her mind racing to catch up. surely, this wasn’t real. surely, he didn’t mean it. her body stilled as she unconsciously dug her fingernails into her arm amidst the comforting massage. her eyes glazed over with tears, squinting in confusion, her heart racing as jay moved to sit closer to her. “what?” was all she could manage to get out, her voice barely above a whisper.

jay didn’t look away this time. his gaze was heavy, tired, but unwavering. “i mean it,” he said, quieter now, but no less certain. looking down, a sigh left his lips. he fought for a moment with her frozen grip before he was able to pry her arm off, stopping her from causing any further harm to herself. and now, all she could think about was how the feeling of his skin on hers hurt so much more. he was looking at her now, but the contact lasted no longer than a second before he turned away. “and i- i thought about it a lot. it’s what’s best for us. i just don’t think we’re good for each other anymore.”

“how can you say that, jay?” her voice cracked as she blinked, tears finally escaping along with a small sob that hardly went unnoticed in the now painfully silent room. she maneuvered, her eyes searching for something in his. he looked at her again with a look she’d never seen before. it scared her. “no. we’re not the kind of couple who breaks up. that’s not how this works, you said that yourself.” indignation clear in her voice, it was hard for her to hold back the resentment she was already starting to feel.

jay only sighed, regretful of his open and now outdated mindset. if he had known their relationship would turn out the way it did, he would have just stayed quiet. in the past she was successful in avoiding his serious attempts, several times, with that reasoning. it was always the most convincing point to get him to stay, she knew he hated not staying true to his word. he hesitated, his cautious gaze meeting hers before he continued. “i'm not happy.”

she had never heard those words before, and their weight hit her hard, leaving her stunned. this couldn’t be real. panic flared in her chest as she grasped for something, anything, to turn the conversation around. “i think this is just one of your moods—” she started, her voice trembling, a fragile attempt to mend what was breaking before he interjected.

“no, y/n. i mean it this time. i can’t do this anymore.”

reading the room became difficult, the usually familiar scene felt foreign now. she didn’t recognize any of the territory that was being invadedㅡ she didn’t know what to do. shaking her head, she offers a small, corner lifted smile. “but we always get through it, jay.“

“it’s different this time, y/n.”

“and why is it different now?” her voice wavered, caught between desperation, anger, and disbelief. her emotions swirled like a storm. staying composed felt impossible; every attempt to ground herself only deepened the ache in her chest. everything was hurting, and all she could do was wish, futilely, that none of this was real.

“this," jay said, physically motioning to the state of the conversation. he turned away to wipe away the stray tears that managed to fall in between blinks. “nothing ever changes. all we do is argue.”

“all couples argue, jay. that’s the reality of things,” she said, the calm in her tone an abrupt contrast to her previous attitudes. “relationships take work, jay. and we always make it work,” her eyes darted to his, desperately looking for any newfound doubt in his words. but there wasn’t any.

“it's not.. just about that," jay said, shaking his head, his voice barely above a whisper now shameful of what he was fixing to admit. “i've tried so hard to make it work, but i'm unhappy, y/n. and i hate that i feel this way, but sometimes it feels like i hate you as much as i love you. do you even know how much that tears me up inside?" his face was repentant at his admission, it was a sinful hidden thought that he previously denied since its first conception. he never wanted to verbalize it because it only highlighted how shitty he truly was to feel that way toward her.

"you don’t mean that." y/n shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut as if the gesture could block out the anguish his words just caused. her body went cold, her senses wasting no time overwhelming her all at once. jay bit the inside of his lip, his teeth silently clattering against the soft tissue.

everything in his heart ached, a deep, unrelenting pain that seemed to grow with every second. he was caught in conflict—the desperate desire to follow through with the breakup, to free himself from the heaviness that had been suffocating him, clashing with the torment of knowing how deeply his choice would hurt her. it wasn’t just her pain he feared; it was his own, the thought of watching her break because of him. but he had to do what was right.

"i wish i didnt, but it's the truth, y/n. i can't be who i want to be in this relationship. i can't keep living like this."

"jay…" his silence now weighed more than any words could, it tore through her like a jagged blade. "is this really what you want?" for a moment, his eyes softened, but it was gone before she could catch it. the silence stretched, heavy with all the words he couldn't say. she wanted to cling onto the fleeting feeling, to believe it meant he was having doubts. but when his lips parted, it wasn't the response she was hoping for.

"it's for the best."

“no, no, no, no,” the finality of his words shattered what was left of her hope. the barrier of control she had on her emotions ruptured as she shook her head. she hesitantly reached her hand out, pulling it away quickly to avoid any more possible rejection from the boy. her heart couldn’t endure much more. "please.. don't do this."

"i'm sorry, y/n," he slowly approached her, wrapping his arms around her. she let him pull her into a hug, holding him close and tight as she allowed all of her anger and grief to wash away along with the salty tears staining her cheeks. though allowing his embrace would only further affirm her acceptance of the end, which is the last thing she wanted, she needed to feel his touch. especially knowing this may be the last time he'll ever hold her.

her chest tightened as she buried her face in his chest, clinging to his steady heartbeat, a cruel contrast to her own. neither of them spoke or moved for a while. a couple minutes in, she noticed that he was now trembling against her. it broke her heart even more. from the way he seemed to hold her just as close for comfort, she knew it was hurting him too. she supposed, maybe, it was for the best. she pulled away slightly, quickly regretting it as she saw how his eyes were red and glistened over, cheeks wet with the silent tears he shed. "can we at least be friends?" the words felt hollow, a desperate attempt to keep him in her life, even though she knew it would never be enough.

he only nods though he knows she didn't truly want that for herself. placing his hold on her arms, gently before slowly removing himself from her embrace. he wiped away his tears and cleared his throat. the only thing on his mind now was getting out of there before he could go back on his word. he had to remind himself that this was the right thing to do. even if it meant hurting them both. clearing his throat he spoke up, regaining his composure to be the voice of reason they needed in the moment. "i guess i should head out now. i think we both need time to ourselves.”

"yeah.."

he took the time to quickly head to the door without waiting to see her reaction. his hands were shaking, the weight of the world only seemed to press down upon his shoulders, only now wishing he could've pushed through and tried to make things work one last time. but he knew that wasn't possible, and it just wasn't worth putting her through any more than he already had. the door clicked shut behind him, leaving an echo of silence in his absence.

the month after the breakup felt like a blur for y/n. while the world around her seemed to move forward, she remained stuck in a loop of missing jay, reaching out to him, waiting for his replies, and doing everything in her power to keep their connection alive despite the fact that he was clearly starting to pull away.

she couldn’t help it. every morning she found herself wanting to talk to him, by any means. today was no different as she looked at her thumb hovering over his contact. it had become almost instinctual, reaching out to him no matter how embarrassing it was starting to become. she took a deep breath, ignoring her reluctant thoughts and started typing.

heyy jay :) haven’t heard from you in a minute. everything okay?

she sent it before she could second guess herself, staring at the screen as the message went through. her heart raced as she waited for his response. then, the minutes passed, stretching into what felt like hours. she spent a while scrolling aimlessly through her notifications, trying hard to look for the one label that refused to appear. two hours had gone by, and still nothing.

she clicked the power button with a sigh, pulling her legs closer to her chest as she rested her chin on her knees, staring blankly at the phone. the silence of her lonely apartment felt so loud now. the lack of response made the small ache in her chest turn into a deeper, more persistent pain. she hated feeling this way, vulnerable, needy, desperate. it wasn’t like her.

she remained frozen in her spot on the bed, feeling like she couldn’t move until she got what she wanted. juggling through every scenario in her head, she almost began sinking into the self loathing feeling. but one look at the clock on her lock screen seemed to pull her out a little bit. she reminded herself that being pessimistic was the last thing she needed to do. instead, she should speak her desire into existence. “calm down, y/n,” she whispered to herself. “it’s still early. he’ll reply later, he always does.”

getting out of bed, she stretched a bit before making her way into the kitchen. at least, this time around, she could still make the most of her day. she was lucky in that sense; it was getting easier to distract herself from thoughts of him. before she realized it, hours had gone by and she was sitting in her living room watching tv when her phone finally pinged.

muting the sound of the show, she quickly glanced down, her heart nearly pouncing out of her chest. jay’s name. her fingers hovered above the screen, the moment she read his texts, that feeling of dread that she’d been holding back all day crashed over her. it felt like he’d handed her a piece of paper instead of a message from someone she’d spent every waking moment with for years. it was brief and impersonal, so unlike jay, yet so familiar as of late.

hey, yeah. things are good, just tired

she stared blankly at the message for a while, continuously rereading, mouthing the words in every tone she could, trying to read in between the few lines he offered her, but it was impossible to make something out of nothing. and it felt like he was doing the bare minimum, acknowledging her existence by replying as if it was an obligation he had to fulfill. she figured that her reply could spark a more active response.

i feel you. guess it’s been rough for both of us, huh. i hope you’ve been good otherwise. it’s getting colder these days, hope you’re staying warm ☺️

she waited in the chat upon seeing that he immediately opened her text, watching the three dots bubble up on her screen, only to vanish soon after. she stared at the notification as it remained unanswered for a while. “read at 2:23pm.” twenty minutes had gone by and she was unsure of what to say next or if she should say anything at all.

despite her first failed attempt, y/n decided to brush it off and push forward. biting her lip, she took her time drafting and perfecting her next message. whatever she was going to say next had to warrant a response. if he saw how bad she wanted to talk, surely he’d give in. jay was never the kind of guy to intentionally neglect her feelings. it wasn’t in his character to hurt her.

so, what’s been keeping you busy lately?

she typed, trying to sound casual, but her confidence faltered when she read it over. it was the kind of text she would’ve sent months ago, back when their relationship was solid and they could talk for hours without feeling the need for a pause.

this time, her message read “delivered”. but she watched as the three dotted bubble appeared again, and decided to leave the app while she continued waiting. this time, he would respond differently, she thought, he had to. holding on to a glimmer of hope, she gave it thirty minutes. but her phone only went quiet. what a waste.

opening instagram, she opted to scroll to distract herself from thinking of him further and that’s when she saw it. jay’s story. it wasn’t anything remarkable, just a picture of him out with some of their mutual friends. but the fact that he was posting on his story, without replying to her text, stung. she scoffed in an attempt to brush off the hurt she was beginning to feel, telling herself it was no big deal. it didn’t help much. no matter how she tried to view it, it was a silent reminder that his focus was elsewhere now.

but, maybe it was nothing. maybe he just didn’t feel like texting. she tried once again to reason, but the thought still lingered, gnawing at her. why couldn’t he just reply? it was evident now that jay just wasn’t going to reach out on his own; he wasn't going to do anything. she’d have to be the one to make the effort, while holding onto the hope of things going back to how they were. maybe she was being too much, doing too much. “if i leave him alone for a few days, he’ll feel it, too.”

it had been days now and the reality of the situation was truly starting to sink in. over the span of the weeks they’d agreed to be friends, jay’s attempts to deny more interactions had finally come to an end. they were flat out doing no contact now. she tried deactivating her social media accounts in an effort to stop hurting herself further by looking at his page, but all it led to was viewing anonymously online. she wasn’t talking to anybody at that point, burying herself deeper into isolation as she began ignoring even her own best friends. but, it wasn’t something the girls were taking lightly.

she was laid out on the couch, the living room becoming a pigsty she found refuge in. empty bags of chips, noodle packages, discarded water bottles, candy wrappers, as well as tear soaked tissues flooded the table and floors. she lay sprawled out on the couch watching a romance k-drama, feeling envious of the love that the main character was receiving though she was barely paying attention. she was moreso staring through the screen rather than at it, not bothering to retain much of the plot, just trying to fill the void in any way she could.

she barely flinched upon her doorbell ringing. in fact, she didn’t even hear it. pulling her blanket more over her body, she closed her eyes, not opening them until she heard the beeping noises her door only made when the passcode was being typed in. she shot up in a panic. only three people knew of her codeㅡ one of them being jay, and she could not risk him seeing her living in such an unkempt manner. making quick of her movements, she grabbed an armful of the trash and ran to the kitchen to toss it out. she stayed in the kitchen grabbing a trash bag as she heard the door open and shut, followed by light footsteps. a familiar voice called out.

“y/n, are you home?”

“yujin?” two girls, yujin and chaewon, walked into the living room grimacing at the state it was in. a small hint of rotting processed food was pungent in the air, to which the girls slightly scrunch their noses at. y/n couldn’t hide her disappointment as she walked into the room, the trash bag rustling with each step. “chae? what are you guys doing here?”

chaewon immediately recognized the girl’s expression and playfully rolled her eyes in an attempt to lighten the mood. “wow, we’re so happy to see you too, y/n.” her words make y/n mentally facepalm at the rudeness she’d unknowingly displayed, frowning as she walked closer to them. without a word, the girls begin picking up the trash, discarding them into the bag y/n held. yujin wasted no time wondering off to get cleaning supplies, coming back to wipe the table. it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence they sat in while they cleaned, but it was clear that something definitely needed to be confronted now.

“sorry guys. i was just expecting someone… you know, else.”

“like who? he who shall not be named?” yujin asked, referencing jay, but it only made y/n grimace. the girl had struck a nerve. the statement only made her think of him more. it wasn’t yujin’s fault, though. none of her friends even knew they weren’t on speaking terms anymore. a knot formed in y/n’s stomach having to silently acknowledge how silly her initial thoughts were. jay had made zero effort to even talk to her, what sense would it make for him to visit?

“i don’t know.” but she did, and so did they. that’s why they were here to begin with. after the mess was all cleaned up, and you could finally see the beauty that was y/n’s living room again, they guided y/n to sit on the couch. chaewon was perched on the arm of it while yujin sat cross-legged on the floor, both watching y/n like she was an emotional bomb ready to explode at any given moment. the tension in the room felt like a third guest.

chaewon, the usual mediator, broke the silence first. treading lightly on upfront confrontation, she decided to stick with a lighthearted approach to the situation. what y/n needed was a friend, not a therapist. “okay, spill. when’s the last time you left this place?”

y/n’s silence spoke volumes as she sighed, hugging a throw pillow to her chest. “i don’t know. a while?” it wasn’t like she wasn’t keeping track, she could tell you it's been 33 days since she last saw jay, 11 days since he stopped viewing her story, and 9 days since his last text to her. how long she had been in her isolation, though? she couldn’t say, all the days seemed to blur in that category.

yujin raised an eyebrow. “define ‘a while.’ days? weeks… a month?”

now, y/n’s voice was barely above a whisper. “two weeks, maybe.”

“two weeks?!” chaewon groaned, grabbing the throw pillow and swatting y/n with it, adding a bit of force in an attempt to knock some sense into the girl. she supposed she underestimated how much it was affecting y/n. though she was upset at the girl’s response to her breakup, she felt worse that she didn’t think to step in sooner. “babe, no wonder. you’re practically fermenting in here. i don’t hate to say this, but it’s time for divine intervention.”

y/n sucked in a breath, but didn’t argue. instead, she stared at the freshly cleaned coffee table, her thoughts wandering back to jay. the way he used to rest his feet there, watching tv, the way he—

yujin snapped her fingers in front of y/n’s face. “nope. i can see it in your eyes— we’re not doing that today. chae, tell her the plan.”

“ah, right! the plan,” chaewon said, leaning in with a grin and wiggling her eyebrows, “is simple: you’re coming with us to a party tonight. and before you even start, you’re not busy, you’re not tired. none of that. i don’t want to hear any excuses.”

y/n’s face scrunched as she blinked. “a party? seriously? what are we? teenagers?”

“yes, seriously,” yujin said, standing up and grabbing y/n’s hands to pull her to her feet, the girl not fighting back as she stood. “you’re never too old to party. and, girl… you need this. sitting in here is only hurting you, and you know it.”

“but—”

“yes, butts! that’s exactly what i expect you to be shaking tonight,” chaewon interjected. “yujin and i already have the vision. you’ll pop out in a bomb ass outfit, we’ll pregame to set the mood, you know just get the vibes up. it's gonna be fun!” her eyes twinkled as she envisioned the whole scene. she waved her hand, slowly moving it in front of her face as if the girls could see what she was imagining. “you’ll drink a little, dance a little, smoke if you’re feeling good, and maybe even forget about… him.”

the slight, bitter acknowledgment of the boy left y/n feeling a lump form in her throat, she tried to shake off the thought of jay from creeping up again. but it was hard to stop once she already started, and everything in her heart was telling her no. a party was the last thing she needed. she could barely hide her hurt from her own friends, how could they expect her to pull through for hours at a party?

“i just don’t think i’m ready.”

“is that not the point?” yujin said gently, softly caressing y/n’s face with a sympathetic pout. the girl could only look away, feeling as though her eyes would be a dead giveaway to the truthㅡ it would hurt too much. sensing the mood shift, yujin sighed. “hey. you don’t have to be ready to start moving on, we don’t expect you to. we know how much you lovedㅡ sorry, love that man. but staying alone like this isn’t good for you, y/n.”

“you’ve even pulled away from us, we’re worried about you,” chaewon nodded, walking over to the girls and grabbing y/n’s hand. “all we’ve been thinking about lately is you. how you’re feeling, how you’re doing, constantly wondering if you’re okay. and now that we’ve seen the mess you’ve found comfort in, in your solitude, you deserve to at least get your mind off of it for one night. then we can start helping you heal tomorrow.”

the unshakeable resistance y/n once had, started to falter as she looked at her friends’ determined faces. they weren’t just here to drag her out of the house, they genuinely cared. she wondered how much her absence, and wallowing in self pity, was truly affecting the people around her. even if she wasn’t entirely sure that she wanted to go, maybe it was worth a shot. after all, they went through the trouble of planning things out, as well as helping her clean her depressive mess. it was worth trying for them.

“fine,” she muttered. “but if it sucks, i’m leaving early.”

“deal,” chaewon said, clapping her hands. “now, let’s find you something hot to wear. i heard jay’s not going to be there, but let’s make him regret losing you anyway.”

yujin laughed, linking her arm with y/n’s and leading her toward the bedroom. the world seemed to start shining brighter as they walked. “yup. and who knows? maybe you’ll meet someone new.” y/n could only give a small, reluctant smile at the words. she wasn’t sure she believed their optimism, but for the first time in weeks, she felt hopeful. even if the night didn’t fix her heartbreak, at least she wouldn’t be alone with it. and, well, she’s got a blackout long overdue.

after showering and getting ready on their own, it was time for yujin and chaewon to work their magic; “project sad bitch to bad bitch” as yujin proudly proclaimed. chaewon flipped through y/n’s closet quietly, her fingers brushing against the variety of fabrics and patterns hanging from the hangers. “god, y/n,” the girl giggled in disbelief. “do you even wear half of this shit?” y/n only shrugged from her spot on the bed, towel wrapped snugly around her body barely blocking the AC’s cool breeze on her moist skin.

“i don’t know. maybe.”

“seems like you don’t know a lot of things lately, huh?”

“hm, i guess not.”

yujin sat cross-legged on the floor, unpacking her makeup bag and moving a lamp to complete her little setup. huffing at the attitude her friends were catching with each other, she turned to y/n with pleading eyes. “look, we’re not leaving until you’re ready. and no,” she added, looking up at the shivering girl. “sweatpants are not an option.”

confusion flooded y/n’a face as she tilted her head at the girl. “i wasn’t going to wear sweatpants.”

“good,” chaewon said, getting to the back of the closet, a small gleam catching her eyes. pulling out a simple satin slip dress, eyes widening with a smile at the piece. the dress that was destined for setting the mood. “ooh, now this could work.”

y/n eyed the dress and shook her head immediately. it was a part of a lingerie set that she had misplaced, something not meant to be seen in broad daylight, let alone by strangers at a party. she coughed, swatting away the memories that flooded back at the sight of it. there was no way she could wear that. “no. it’s too… i don’t know. they’re pajamas, it’s too much.”

“it’s not,” yujin said firmly, standing to drape the dress against y/n’s frame, already planning out the makeup look she could do to compliment it. it was clearly the best option they had, its slight sexual undertones only further confirming it was the key to a perfect night waiting to happen. “pajamas or not, it’s perfect. beyond that even. tonight’s not about hiding anyway.”

y/n could only sigh in response, her fingers fidgeting with the edge of her towel. “i’m not trying to hide, i just don’t feel like being seen.”

“is that not the same thing?” chaewon said, crossing her arms as she gave y/n a reassuring look. “look, we’re not saying you have to feel like a star tonight. we just want you to feel…you know, more like yourself again.”

yujin crouched in front of y/n, her expression softening. giving her best puppy eyes, she pouted and held hands up to the girl, begging with a small shake to emphasize her desperation. “just try, okay? it’s one night. you deserve to feel good about yourself, even if it’s just for a few hours.”

“i don’t feel bad about myself-” she paused when the girls gave her a knowing glance, making her stumble on her words. she glanced between them, her chest tightening. they weren’t forcing her, but they weren’t exactly letting her disappear, either. “you know what? fine,” she said finally, reaching out to take the dress. it was true, the dress was beautiful. the rose pink color highlighted by the sheen of the satin, with black laced edges adding the perfect contrast, made it a staple piece. she had forgotten all about its aura.

“that's what i’m talking ‘bout!” chaewon grinned and reached down to give yujin a round of high fives, their squeals only projecting a small portion of their excitement. y/n took the hanger and made her way into the bathroom. after a few minutes of staring at her reflection in the mirror, she stepped out in the dress. the fabric clung to her frame delicately, the soft sheen catching the light. she looked gorgeous, even with her hair undone. the room was silent as they shamelessly gawked at their best friend who only shifted awkwardly under their gaze.

“wow,” yujin whispered. “you look…”

“so fucking beautiful,” chaewon finished.

y/n only turned to look at herself in the mirror again, her lips pressing into a thin line. hesitant, she stared and tried to do some test poses. she just didn’t know how to feel. an internal scream match ensued, her thoughts becoming two conflicting forcesㅡ one side screaming no, the other trapped in a state, wondering: could i? shaking away her thoughts, she goes with her initial one. “i don’t know, guys. it's not me.”

“it is you,” yujin said gently. “maybe a part of you that you’ve forgotten about, but it’s still you. it wasn’t in your closet for no reason.”

while she wasn’t wrong, the reason definitely wasn’t for this. nonetheless she swallowed the lump in her throat, nodding slightly. juggling the pros and cons in her head, she made note of their actions that led her to this point. she owed it to them. “okay,” she said quietly. “let’s go before i change my mind.”

“makeup first~” chaewon sang out as she guided y/n over to the area where yujin had set everything up. “and i can do your hair, too. two birds, one stone. let’s go.”

the city lights blended into a colorful gradient of neon streaks as the taxi sped through the bustling streets. inside, the atmosphere was electric. y/n, chaewon, and yujin sat in the back, their laughter and chatter blending with the rhythmic hum of the car, the radio playing joyful tunes only further setting the mood.

chaewon, ever the instigator, held up a bottle of peach flavored soju, opening it and holding it to the roof. there was a gleam in her eyes that demonstrated her happiness more than words could explain. “to a night of unforgettable memories,” she declared, her tone light as she carefully waved the bottle mischievously. “with my very best friends.”

yujin grinned, lifting an imaginary bottle as well, reaching over chaewon’s lap to grab y/n’s hand and force her to do the same. “and to making sure y/n doesn’t regret this tomorrow,” she teased.

y/n chuckled a genuine, hearty laugh as she shook her head. “i’m not the one who needs to worry,” she retorted, her voice light but with a hint of challenge. she reached into chaewon’s bag pulling out a plastic shot glass. “is this even smart to be doing in a moving car?”

“yolo,” chaewon smiled in response, pouring a generous amount into the cup, nearly filling it to the brim. “bottoms up,” she urged, her tone playful yet insistent. with a resigned smile, y/n took the shot, the sharpness of the soju’s flavor warming her from the inside. she licked her lips and handed the cap to chaewon, who refilled it with a flourish.

“your turn,” chaewon said, carefully handing the cup to yujin who playfully raised an eyebrow, feigning fake reluctance. “peer pressure at its finest,” she laughed, but took the shot with no hesitation. the trio continued their pregame ritual, the taxi’s interior filled with their laughter and the clinking of bottles. as the cityscape passed by, the anticipation of the party awaiting them grew, each of them eager for the night that awaited them.

when the taxi pulled up, the bass from the party reverberated through the car, the music and laughter spilling out into the cool night air. y/n giggled, already feeling the happy buzz of the drinks from the ride over. chaewon and yujin, also tipsy, were practically bouncing with excitement as they stepped out of the car.

“drive safe, dear! have a good night,” chaewon waved to the driver. as they stepped through the door, they were immediately hit with the scent of perfume, alcohol, and excitement. the large living room was filled with people laughing, dancing, and chatting in their own little groups. y/n swayed slightly to the rhythm, the tipsiness from pregaming still actively lingering in her veins. chaewon and yujin were right beside her, their laughter bright and carefree, matching the energy around them. she pulled her jacket tighter, but it was more out of habit than discomfort.

at first, y/n did feel a bit out of place, but chaewon immediately linked arms with her, pulling her further into the scene. “you’re gonna love it here, i promise,” she grinned, her voice a little louder than usual to compensate for the music’s volume.

yujin, already catching the beat of the music, nudged her playfully. “yeah! tonight’s for fun, no worries.” they made their way over to heeseung, the host, who greeted them with a friendly smile and a quick hug. “hey, guys. glad you could make it! the party’s just getting started.”

y/n couldn’t help but stare at the man in front of her. he was tall, dark, and handsome. the small rose tint that coated his cheeks, caused by the alcohol, pulled the whole look together. it was hard to look away. wow. upon noticing this, chaewon leaned in, whispering to y/n, “heeseung’s the best. and he throws the best parties.”

y/n smiled as she finally broke her stare to meet chaewon’s eyes, her voice a little slurred but still light. “yeah, he seems chill.”

heeseung turned his attention to the girl who wasn’t as familiar with him, his smile faltering just a little. he leaned in closer to chaewon, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial tone so that y/n wouldn’t hear. “by the way, jay ended up changing his mind about not coming. he’s over there,” he said, glancing toward the other side of the room where jay stood talking to some guys.

his words seemed to sober chaewon up a bit as she tried not to make a reactive face as her eyes followed to where he was motioning to. there he was in the flesh, having the audacity to be enjoying himself while his ex-girlfriend still had the luxury of not knowing of his presence. and chaewon needed to make sure to keep it that way all night. instead, she flashed a quick grin, pulling y/n into the next part of the conversation. “man, we’re taking a cab home. you know what that means?”

“we can get fucked up,” y/n exclaimed doing a little happy dance, humoring the few that could hear what she was saying. heeseung only offered chaewon an encouraging smile, though he wasn’t sure her approach was the best. but what did he know, he was too drunk to really care about it past surface level. yujin, just as blissfully unaware of the situation, grinned ear to ear and high-fived y/n. “now that’s the energy i love to see!”

“yeah, yeah. let’s go mingle now!” chaewon said, waving to heeseung as she led the trio made towards the main area where majority of the people occupied. and of course, with no sign of jay. she spotted jake and sunghoon nearby, and with a social grin, she guided the girls along to greet them, reminding herself she needed to enjoy her time too.

“jake! hoon!” she called out, her voice full of energy. jake looked up from his conversation and grinned, his eyes trailing to each face as he greeted them. “chaewon, yujin, and… no fucking way. is that y/n?! in the flesh?!” he went over to give her a hug, and it signaled to her that he was definitely drunk. “finally, we get to see your pretty face again. it’s about time you join in on the fun!”

y/n, although a little confused, returned the hug and gave the boy a playful smile. “yeah. i guess i needed a little push to leave the house. you know how breakups get you sometimes,” she joked. probably not the funniest thing she could’ve said, but it was real.

sunghoon raised an eyebrow teasingly, making sure not to dwell on the literal aspects of it. he looked her up and down, almost drooling at the sight of her. the way the dress hugged her body, the way her jacket complimented the colors perfectly, even her flats fit the look. “well, i guess it worked out nicely. you look like you’re doing great now.”

yujin laughed, leaning in as if she were about to say something revolutionary. “it’s the party effect. you get here and forget everything.”

“just what i needed,” y/n said, letting herself get lost in the music. she wondered why she avoided everyone for so long. their presence made her feel ten times better in a couple of minutes than she’d felt on her own all month. it was refreshing.

“that’s the spirit!” jake grinned, looking past the girls to see jay walking over again with drinks in hand. thinking quickly, he gestured to the group behind him. “hey, rina and winter are over there. go give them a pleasant surprise.”

chaewon quickly perked up with enthusiasm at the mention of their other girl friends. “ooh! let’s go say hi!”

they headed over to karina and winter, who were standing by the snack table. karina greeted them with a playful smile. “there you guys are! i thought you’d bail on us. hey, y/n! it’s nice to see you again,” her eyes smiled at the girl, admiring the glow. maybe time away was what y/n needed to prosper. karina, like everyone else, was happy to see her again nonetheless.

y/n shook her head, her drunken voice bubbling with laughter. the world seemed to have a hint of saturation to it that she hadn’t seen in a while now. she couldn’t help but to pull karina into a hug, the gesture surprising both of them at the suddenness. “hey! and of course not. we just had to make sure we were up to par. can’t all be natural beauties like you girls.”

“oh stop it, y’all are gorgeous,” winter chimed in, raising her cup with a sigh of content before taking a sip. “man, i needed this after midterms. nothing better than a heeseung party to recharge your academic battery.”

“you know, for a guy that’s so popular amongst everyone, i'm surprised i didn’t know him before this,” y/n pondered for a second. the group laughed, “well, welcome to the real world outside of a relationship. people start existing again.” and soon enough, they were swept up in more conversation and dancing. after a few shots, y/n could feel herself getting lost in the rhythm, her laughter mixing with the music. as they moved back to the dance floor, she realized that maybe, just maybe, she could forget about the weight of it all—at least for tonight. her tipsiness had her in an effortlessly happy state, but she felt like it could be more hype. she leaned closer to chaewon and yujin, raising her voice slightly to be heard over the bass.

“i’m gonna grab a drink,” she said, her lips curling into a small smile. “you guys want anything? shots?”

yujin’s eyes lit up, and she nudged chaewon. “ohhh my god, yes. shots sound perfect.” chaewon grinned, raising her hand slightly. “tequila, if they have it. lime, salt, the good shit, you know how i like it.”

y/n laughed, making mental note of the girls’ orders. “got it, tequila on the rocks for the baddies. i’ll be back.” she spun on her heel, her steps sure as she wove through the crowd, the glow of the party lights casting a warm glow on her skin. emboldening her every move, the alcohol seemed to sink deeper into her veins, the electric energy of the room carrying her forward with effortless grace.

the kitchen set a different mood in contrast to the other rooms she and her friends had occupied that night. the loud, bass-heavy music from the living room was muffled here, replaced by softer chatter and the occasional clink of bottles against glasses. the room smelled faintly of spilled liquor and citrus wedges, surprisingly pleasant, and the counters were crowded with a mess of an inviting display of liquor bottles and red cups.

she ran her hand along the countertop that was cool on her heated skin. her eyes skimmed the options in front of her. there the tequila was for chaewon and yujin, but which brand to choose? she didn’t know. she bit her lip, trying to focus despite the pleasant buzz in her head craving excitement. she didn’t even realize a male figure had made his way over to her.

“tequila, huh?” his voice was smooth, unexpected, and it instantly pulled her attention to the right. there he was, leaning casually against the counter, his posture relaxed but commanding. the soft golden light from the kitchen highlighted his sharp features, a warm glow casting over his slightly tousled hair and the inviting grin that played on his lips.

she blinked, momentarily thrown off by his presence. there was something boyish about him, yet his looks contrasted the calculated composure in his eyes. once she realized her staring, she quickly recovered, her lips curving into a teasing smile unsure of where such confidence came from.“depends who you ask.”

he chuckled, the sound low and light, yet somehow warm despite its brevity. “true. i guess it depends on the night, too,” he mused, his eyes casually following her movements—curious, but not intrusive. his gaze lingered on the tequila bottles, gesturing to it. “bold choice, though,” he added, his tone easy and confident. “i guess it suits you.”

y/n tilted her head slightly, looking at the bottle she’d unknowingly chosen. her lips curved into a small smile, intrigued by his words. “what makes you think that?”

he shrugged with effortless charm, his laugh hypnotizing, like the world stopped with each chuckle that escaped his lips. and she was almost sure it did. “you’ve got this energy—like you’re fun, but there’s more to you than what meets the eye.” her eyebrows furrowed faintly in intrigue, but she kept her tone playful, tinged with a hint of caution. just because he seemed funny, and attractiveㅡ well, insanely attractive, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep her guard up; he was still a stranger. but his words seemed to draw her in nonetheless.

“you’ve got a lot of assumptions for someone i just met.”

“maybe,” he said with a slight shrug, “but i’m usually right.” he extended a hand toward her, his grin widening. “i’m eric, by the way. figured this was a good time to properly introduce myself since i’ve seen you around but never got the chance.”

she glanced at his hand before shaking it, his palm warm and his touch firm. “y/n,” she said simply, letting her name hang in the air for a moment. he shook her hand, slow and drawn out, before he reluctantly pulled away. it didn’t go unnoticed. he repeated it as if trying it out for himself, the syllables making themselves at home on his tongue. his grin softened into something more genuine. “that’s a pretty name. suits you.”

a faint warmth crept throughout her body at the compliment, but she quickly masked it with a smile, biting her lip as she tried to ignore the heat making its way to her cheeks. “thanks. so, you’re just out here handing out compliments tonight, huh?”

“only when they’re deserved,” he shot back smoothly, his gaze unwavering. there was something so captivating about him. his personality, maybe even ego, seemed big, but his confidence wasn’t overbearing. it was enticing and y/n found herself relaxing more, her initial purpose for coming to the kitchen already slipping her mind. “so, do you always pick tequila at parties, or is tonight special?” he raised an eyebrow slightly.

“tonight’s definitely special,” she replied, leaning against the counter herself now, mirroring his relaxed stance. the corners of her lips tugged upward, her drunken state aiding in loosening her posture. “but i’ll admit, it’s not my usual go-to.”

her words made him grin, his expression lighting up as if he’d just found the perfect opening to extend their conversation. his face seemed to soften slightly, and for a moment, y/n couldn’t help but envy how his confidence radiated. he knew how attractive he was, and knew exactly how to lean into it without making it feel forced.

“lucky for you, i’m a tequila enthusiast,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows, already reaching for the bottle and two shot glasses. his movements were sure, natural, as if he’d done this a hundred times before. everything about this man highlighted how sure of himself he was, like he knew the line between charm and arrogance and danced on it perfectly. “mind if i join you?”

y/n let out a small laugh, her gaze following his every movement as he poured the tequila. there was something mesmerizing about the way his hands worked—the smooth, controlled motions, his fingers brushing over the counter as if every little touch was intentional, effortless. the lighting of the room seemed to accentuate the sensuality of the moment; it made the air feel charged. everything about him, from the casual lean to the way his eyes stayed locked on hers, felt like a slow dance, a tension hummed between them.

“you know what? sure, why not?” she finally managed to say, her voice a little breathless, though she couldn’t quite tell if it was from the alcohol or the way the scene had shifted. eric slid a glass toward her, his fingers grazing the edge of the counter, his movements slow as if savoring the moment. he leaned in just enough to hold her gaze, his eyes glinting with a playful spark, and she felt her heart race a little. raising his glass, his smirk widened. “to… letting loose and making the most of tonight?”

y/n’s lips parted in a smile that felt so easy, so unguarded, like it was the most natural thing in the world to let go and enjoy the moment. all her worries of the night seemed to slip her mind as she tapped her glass against his, the muted background becoming more apparent making the brief clink of glass feel louder than it should have. “cheers to that.”

they downed the shots in unison, the tequila burning a familiar path down her throat before settling into a warm heat in her chest. she grabbed a slice of lime as a needed chaser, squeezing the sour juices into her mouth. now, the buzz she’d felt earlier amplified, wrapping around her like a comforting haze. she could feel herself relax further as eric leaned in closer to keep the conversation flowing. their eyes meet again and an unfamiliar, yet alluring feeling crept up. he was so captivating. one look from him felt like transcending.

“so, what about you?” she asked, setting her glass down with a soft clink against the counter. she was becoming more curious about him. every second, imagining his life story, his reasons for coming, who he came with, she wanted to know everything. her tone carried a teasing edge as she raised an eyebrow. “are you the life of the party or just here to keep an eye on the tequila?”

he chuckled, his shoulders shaking slightly as if her words had struck the right note. there was something disarming about the way he laughed, and y/n couldn’t help but feel a small surge of accomplishment, her desire to keep conversing growing. “somewhere in between,” he admitted, his smile widening, the confidence in his voice undeniable. “but tonight, i think i’m here for more interesting conversations.”

the subtle compliment tugged at y/n, piquing her newfound confidence and before she knew it, she was leaning in just a little more, drawn into the rhythm of his words. she’d forgotten how much fun it was to flirt, how desirable she was over the years. none of this was one sided. “well, lucky you ran into me, then.”

“lucky, indeed,” eric replied, his voice dropping just enough to carry weight, and his gaze shifted to hers with intensity, the moment stretching out longer than expected. her breath hitched. it felt like time slowed down for just a second before she regained her composure. before she could fully process the warmth creeping up her spine from eric’s gaze, a shift in the atmosphere almost caught her attention. across the kitchen, jay walked in, his empty beer bottle dangling carelessly from his fingers, searching for somewhere to dispose of the glass. his expression was relaxed at first, but the moment his eyes locked onto her frame, he froze.

y/n didn’t notice him immediately either. her back was turned to him and she was much too absorbed in her conversation with eric. but jay was peeping everything. the way she laughed, the way she leaned just slightly toward eric, and most notably, that dress. it wasn’t just any dress. it was his favorite, the one she had only worn on special occasions, none of which ever saw light beyond the bedroom.

a knot twisted in jay’s chest, and his mind spun with a rush of emotions—anger, jealousy, and regret. he couldn’t pinpoint which hurt more, but they all clawed at him. was she just here for sex? and was she wearing that to enhance her attraction? he was convinced the second he heard the sound of her laughter, consumed by whatever sweet little nothings eric was telling her as she leaned in toward him. it stung. he hated how much power she still had over him, how she could still hurt him so deeply without even realizing.

eric, perceptive as ever, immediately caught the shift in the air. when his eyes flicked over jay and back to y/n, his grin widened ever so slightly. without missing a beat, he poured another shot, his movements casual yet carrying a certain smugness as he slid the glass toward y/n. “ready for another?” he asked lightly, though his gaze hardly wavered from jay.

“absolutely,” she replied with a laugh, oblivious to the silent exchange happening right in front of her. she was too intoxicated, both from the liquor and eric’s attention��to feel the tension brewing. the scene unfolding in front of her went unnoticed. eric, with his charm, was asserting his dominance over jay in a way that was bold, yet subtle enough to fly under y/n’s radar.

eric poured his own shot with an almost lazy confidence, his movements smooth and conceited as though every action was meant to say, i’ve already won. raising and clinking his glass with y/n’s, his lips curved into a subtle smirk as he downed the drink. while she threw her head back to get the shot out the way, his eyes were locked onto jay’s. the air in the kitchen thickened, growing heavier with the unspoken tension that hung between the two men. jay’s jaw tightened, his fingers curling firmly around the neck of his bottle as he forced himself to relax. but his pride just wouldn’t let it go. he needed to act, to remind this guy—this nobody, who y/n truly belonged to.

his steps were calculated as he moved further into the kitchen, making it seem as if he hadn’t noticed them at all. his presence, though originally unacknowledged, was impossible to ignore. without sparing so much as a glance their way, jay reached for a bottle on the counter, his movements nonchalant and composed.

“hey, eric, pass me the bottle opener,” he said, his tone calm, detached, as if the moment held no significance. but the sound of his voice was enough to pierce through y/n’s bubble of drunken bliss. her laughter faltered, the warmth that had fueled her moments before were replaced by a quick, relentless, almost sinking ache. eric, with his focus now shifted to jay with a scowl, straightened up as he titled his head. they were now challenging each other in front of their pursuit.

“it’s right there, get it yourself,” eric made no effort to mask the irritation the boy’s presence brought him. y/n turned slowly, her heart lurching at the sight of jay. what the fuck was he even doing? did she even actually like eric? the thoughts ran through her mind, quick and unforgiving. as her gaze remained on jay, everything else faded into the background. eric’s presence, his charm, the tequila-fueled buzz— all evaporated. jay’s movements were precise, impersonal. though he stood just a few feet away, his eyes never met hers. it was as though she didn’t even exist to him, a realization that stung more than she’d anticipated.

with a swift motion, he grabbed the opener, popped the cap off the beer, and set it back on the counter. without another word or glance, he turned on his heel, a smug scoff leaving his lips as he disappeared into the crowd. his shoulders were tense, and his strides were agonizingly slow. y/n watched him leave, her heart sinking further with each step he took. her fingers curled against the countertop as she let out a sigh, gripping it tightly as she struggled to steady herself, her knuckles paling from the effort.

“you okay?” eric’s voice softened, his earlier confidence giving way to a tentative concern. his hand brushed her shoulder lightly, but the touch barely registered. all her thoughts, all her feelings, were consumed once again by jay, and the space he left behind. eric felt like a distant blur in comparison.

“yeah,” y/n replied quickly, though her voice was tight, almost robotic now. she forced a smile, but it was weak. she averted her eyes, unsure of where to look anymore. she was too ashamed to be present in the moment now. “it’s whatever. i don’t even know that guy anymore.” the words were meant to sound indifferent, maybe even lighthearted, but her tone betrayed her, emotions seeping through.

eric hesitated, his eyes studying her face. he could see the way her confidence had crumbled the moment jay walked up and felt a pang of guilt knowing he’d inadvertently caused it. but an unfamiliar feeling sparked within him as well. he wanted to make her forget about jay entirely, to erase whatever hold he still had on her. what had started off as an obvious attempt at a one-night stand, had suddenly turned into something more. eric wanted to be the one she thought about, the one she wanted, the one who could make her feel again.

y/n leaned against the counter, her glass clutched tightly in her hand, staring at the floor like it could offer her some kind of escape. it was quiet as the pair decided not to say anything. she didn’t mind it though. the weight of jay’s acknowledgment—or lack thereof— was still hanging over her like a storm cloud. and in her drunken state, she didn’t know how to process what she was feeling now. chaewon and yujin‘s comfort was rooms away, which she supposed was for the better. she didn’t want to bring their mood down with hers anyway. the dull thud of bass from the next room gave her a headache, and the warmth of the kitchen suddenly felt stifling.

she poured another shot and quickly downed it, sucking in a deep breath as the warmth shot throughout her body. her mind replayed the earlier scene on a loop—his voice, the dismissive tone, the way his eyes never bothered to look her way. a desperate part of her had hoped for more, craving at least some shred of emotion from him. instead, all she’d gotten was proof of how much she still cared, and how little he did. she bit the inside of her cheek to keep her tears at bay, her pride refusing to let them fall.

“hey.” y/n’s head snapped up, startled by the soft voice that cut through her thought process, reminding her she was still at the party. eric now stood a few feet away, his hands shoved into his pockets, a relaxed posture with a steady gaze. he tilted his head slightly, offering her a small smile in an attempt to ease her mind. “wanna just get out of here for a bit?”

for a moment she just stared at him, her brain debating on his offer. the idea of leaving the kitchen, and the weight of jay’s presence hanging over her, felt like relief. but going somewhere with ericㅡ a near-stranger? she wasn’t sure. her grip on her drink loosened slightly, her nails no longer digging into the condensation-soaked glass. “where would we even go?” her voice came out quieter than she intended.

“don’t know,” he shrugged, now leaning against the doorframe. “anywhere but here. upstairs, outside… we could raid his snacks, whatever helps.” his tone was casual, but there was something in the way he watched her that felt intentional. he sensed the remaining turmoil in her heart and wanted to pull her away from it.

y/n glanced at the doorway he motioned to, then back to her drink. the thought of staying here, rooted to this spot, after jay’s appearance felt unbearable. so, without answering, she set her cup on the counter with a soft clink and gave him a small nod. eric’s smile widened just slightly, enough to make her cheeks flush again. “come on,” he murmured, motioning for her to follow him.

he led her to a quiet balcony on the second floor of the house, away from the pulsing music and swarm of people. the cool night air hit her face, and she zipped her jacket as she wrapped her arms around herself. she was thankful for the moment of calm that wasted no time washing over her. eric handed her an unopened bottle of patron that he’d snagged on their way up, giving her a reassuring smile.

“for the record,” he said, leaning against the railing, his tone measured, almost casual, “whatever he did to you? screw him.” his eyes stayed fixed on the city lights below, the ambient hum of distant car horns and the occasional gust of wind filling the silence. he didn’t look at her, as if giving her the privacy to feel whatever she needed to without his gaze adding weight.

y/n let out a weak laugh, but it cracked halfway through, dissolving into a shaky exhale. leaning on the railing herself, her eyes wandered to the darkened yard below, its emptiness mirroring the void she felt in her heart. her voice wavered when she spoke. “it’s not that simple.”

“maybe not,” eric shrugged, the softness in his voice tugging at her like a thread, unraveling the tight knot she’d been holding together. “but he doesn’t get to ruin your night.” he turned slightly toward her, his expression thoughtful, though his gaze never pressed into hers too directly. her throat tightened, and before she could stop herself, tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, blurring the faint glow of the city. she swallowed hard, shaking her head as if to ward them away. turning from him, she choked out a laugh, “god, i’m sorry. this is so stupid.”

“it’s not stupid,” he said with quiet conviction. he didn’t step closer, deciding it was best to keep respecting the fragile space between them, but there was something solid and grounding in his presence nonetheless. “you’re allowed to feel how you want to feel, y/n. no one gets to decide that for you.”

her fingers hastily brushed at her cheeks,trying to swipe away the evidence of her emotions as shame crept in. traces of her makeup found refuge on her jacket in the process. she was sure she looked as much of a mess physically as she felt mentally. his words lingered, and she appreciated him not demanding a response, just offering a truth she hadn’t yet been able to admit to herself. “i don’t even know why i’m crying. it’s just… all i wanted was to be able to forget about him for one night.” her words hung in the air as she tightly crossed her arms over her chest in an attempt to hold herself together. saying it out loud made the hurt feel all the more real, the pressure pressing harder against her ribs.

“getting over someone takes time,” eric said, his voice steady and thoughtful, as though he’d carefully considered every word. his eyes flickered toward her briefly, searching for a reaction before continuing. “especially someone who meant a lot to you. i heard you guys were together for a couple of years; i don’t think anyone expects you to bounce back quickly. and just because you’re not there yet doesn’t mean you won’t get there.” his words settled over her, profound, like the softest form of reassurance she had been needing. y/n felt her shoulders relax and she finally exhaled, her breath fogging in the chilly night air. the weight of her emotions felt a little lighter now. eric held up the unopened bottle between them, his grin softening the mood further.

“how about this? one drink, and we’ll make a pact: no more thinking about jay tonight.”

her lips twitched into a small, reluctant smile as she reached for the bottle, the faintest trace of amusement breaking through the fading sadness. when in doubt, drink it out. “deal.” the bottle moved back and forth between them as the conversation flowed, each sip peeling away the mysterious layers between the two. eric had a way of drawing her out. his humor was witty, his stories were full of vivid details that made her forget the remaining ache in her chest, little by little. she felt like she could breathe again.

the two talked about everything and nothing: bad movies, dream vacations, even the weirdest things they’d done as kids. eric was so easy to talk to. in a way that felt natural, his teasing was playful but never too much, and his laughter warm and infectious. with every story exchanged, y/n found herself leaning further into the conversation.

at some point, the conversation slowed, the hum of the city below filling the quiet. y/n’s gaze drifted to eric, who sat just close enough that she could feel the warmth of his presence. the soft glow of the house lights framed his features—his sharp jawline, the slight curve of his lips, and the depth in his eyes that seemed to catch everything without needing to say much. she had noticed before how effortlessly handsome he was, but in the stillness, she could see it in all its glory because now he wasn’t even trying.

“what?” he asked, his voice breaking through her thoughts, low and teasing but not unkind. he kept his eyes on her, a gleam shimmering ever so slightly. she blinked, her cheeks heating as she fought hard not to look away.

“nothing.”

eric tilted his head, a small, knowing smile tugging at his lips. “you were staring. i’m not complaining, just… curious.”

y/n’s heart stuttered, her defenses unraveling under his playful yet gentle tone. she dropped her gaze to the bottle between them, her fingers brushing against the cool glass. “i wasn’t staring,” she mumbled, though the blush deepening on her cheeks betrayed her. he leaned in slightly, not enough to overwhelm but just enough to close the gap, his voice quieter now.

“sure you weren’t.” their proximity was close enough to feel his breath warm on her nose. a closeness that felt almost forbidden. it felt good. there was something in the way he looked at her, prolonged and intent, as if he could see past what she was trying to hide. it made her stomach flip, her mind race. the space between them felt charged, the kind of silence that wasn’t empty but filled with things neither of them knew how to say.

she tried to focus on the city lights, the buzz of music from the party beneath themㅡ anything but him… but her gaze betrayed her again. when she looked back up, he was still watching her, his expression shifting into something unreadable.

“you know, you’re… different than i expected,” he said finally, his voice soft, almost hesitant. he was peeling back a layer of himself that he didn’t often share.

y/n’s brows furrowed slightly, her mind catching the weight of his words. curiously, she leaned closer despite the space being noses apart as a result. “different how?” she asked, her voice quieter now in fear of the moment shattering if she spoke any louder.

“in a good way,” he replied, the corners of his lips lifting in a slight smile that was both shy and sincere. the energy picked up, dissipating from its once lustful state into something new, softer and more vulnerable. “like… i don’t know. just better.”

the simplicity of his words struck her harder than she expected. there weren’t any grand gestures or overly thought-out declarations with them, yet somehow, it made them feel all the more genuine. she didn’t know how to respond, so she didn’t. instead, she just looked at him, her lips parting slightly as if the unfolding moment had stolen the air from her lungs. the outside noises of the world faded into nothing, narrowing to just the quiet breaths they shared on that balcony.

time seemed to slow as the remaining space between them shrank. his gaze dropped, flickering to her lips for the briefest moment before meeting her eyes again, a silent question lingering in the space between them. she felt renewed, her heart was racing as her mind scrambled to make sense of it. but there was no time to think, no time to overanalyze; her body moved before she could stop it.

her lips met his, softly at first, testing the waters. there was hesitation on both ends, a mutual uncertainty. then the kiss deepened, the weight of the night pouring into every movement. she leaned in closer, her hands finding their way to his shirt, gripping it tightly as if afraid he might pull away. his fingers ghosted over her jaw, anchoring her in the moment, grounding her as the rest of the world seemed to spin. it wasn’t perfect, it was messy and uncoordinated, a clash of emotions and impulse—but it felt real, raw in a way that made her melt into his touch. and for the first time in what felt like forever, she let herself be vulnerable. she let herself feel.

but just as quickly as it started, the kiss ended as reality crashed back in. y/n pulled back abruptly, her hands flying to her stomach as a sudden wave of nausea hit hard, quickly climbing its way up from her stomach. “oh no…” she muttered, her voice barely above a whisper as she almost teleported to the other side of the balcony. there was no way. eric’s eyes widened, concern flashing across his face as he instinctively moved to reach out toward her. “you okay?” he asked, moving his hands back after seeing her lack of response to the gesture. she shook her head, the motion only making her feel worse.

“i think i’m gonna—” she realized she pushed herself to her feet too quickly, her delayed reaction to the sudden movement sent her balance teetering. eric was beside her in an instant, steadying her with a hand on her arm as she stumbled toward the railing.

“whoa, whoa—hold on,” he said, his voice calm but urgent. “deep breaths, okay? i got you.”

y/n clung to the cool metal railing, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to steady her breathing. the nausea roared louder, her stomach churning violently. she hated how vulnerable she felt, she hated that she couldn’t keep it together.

“i’m so sorry,” she whispered shakily, leaning forward in case the inevitable happened. her whole body was in panic mode, trying to ground itself but every attempt it made only escalated the situation. the only thing saving her from completely coming undone was her pride. she refused to embarrass herself in front of the handsome man that kept her company.

“don’t apologize,” eric said softly, his hand still resting on her arm. the touch was enough to distract her as her senses focused on the warmth it offered. “seriously, it’s fine. just focus on breathing. we’ll get through this.” her cheeks burned with embarrassment, but there was no judgment in his voice, no awkwardness, just comfort laced with concern. he was drunk too, anxiety building at how the situation could possibly unfold. y/n clung to the railing as the nausea finally overwhelmed her. the world around her blurred, and every sound muffled like she was underwater. her knees buckled slightly, and eric was quick to catch her as she vomited over the balcony, quietly thanking god that nobody was in the backyard.

“yeah,” he said, his voice gentle but firm. “i think you’re done for the night.” she tried to mumble a response, but her words came out slurred and incoherent. her body felt heavy, the buzz of alcohol overpowering every sense as she vomited again. now she was sobbing curses keeping her eyes squeezed tight, as if it could block out the predicament she was in now. eric had to think fast, he couldn’t just leave her out here. but he also cared for her reputation, and taking someoneㅡ in her state, back with the majority was just begging to be social suicide.

“okay, hang tight,” eric said, carefully easing her down to sit on the floor of the balcony, leaning her against the railing for support. she was barely responsive, her eyelids fluttering as exhaustion took over. he wanted to bring her inside the room, but if she kept going at the rate that she was, laying down would be a safety hazard. he hated it, but the best option would be to leave her outside. he sucked in a breath, crouching in front of her, brushing a strand of her hair out of her face. “i’m gonna find your friends, okay? just stay right here.”

y/n’s head lolled slightly. he made his way back into the main, more populated areas of the house, scanning the crowd for any sign of the two girls she’d been with earlier. it took a few minutes and some questions to a few strangers, but eventually, eric found chaewon and yujin near the living room, both mid-conversation with a group of people. “hey, uh,” eric interrupted, his tone urgent enough to grab their attention immediately. “y/n’s on the balcony. she’s not feeling great. i think she needs you.”

chaewon’s eyes widened as her head snapped towards yujin, they had forgotten about y/n in their inebriated state. they actually learned of the kitchen situation shortly after it happened because jay had come by and interrupted their conversation with jake to vent about it. they only let her be after hearing of her moment with eric because a distraction was what they were originally hoping for. they didn’t take into account it could go left. “what the hell is she doing out there? is she okay?”

“she’s like… out of it,” eric said, his hands still in his pockets but his shoulders tense as they picked up the words he wasn’t dropping: a few too many drinks, half of which her body weight couldn’t hold. “she needs to go home.” yujin didn’t hesitate, grabbing chaewon’s arm as they followed eric back to the balcony. chaewon couldn’t help but cry the whole way up.

“fuck, we might just be the worst friends alive,” she sobbed, her feet scurrying to keep up with the other two as each sob slowed her down. yujin, sensing the need for a level headed person in the room, pinched chaewon’s cheeks once they reached the bedroom leading to the balcony. “we can unpack that later. she needs us now. so suck it up cause we have to act like we know what we’re doing.” her words leave no word for arguments, so chaewon just nods putting on her best poker face despite the regret that still panged at her heart.

when they opened the door to finally arrive on the scene, y/n was no longer slumped against the railing. she was laying on her side curled into a ball, eyes closed as she emphasized each breath she let out to calm her nerves. “oh my god, y/n,” chaewon muttered, kneeling beside her. the girl only croaked her name in response, a pout eliciting a downpour of tears. she felt a sense of relief washing over her at their presence. yujin crouched down as she and chaewon lifted her body up, y/n doing her best to push herself up with her arms. “what made this happen?”

“it’s kind of my fault. jay upset her while we were taking shots. it bummed her out, so we came up here to recharge… drank a whole bottle of patron,” eric trailed off as he recollected their actions leading up to it, the impulsivity being highlighted as a disaster waiting to happen. rubbing the back of his neck, he cleared his throat. “yeah, so it’s totally my fault.” chaewon and yujin wasted zero time verbally agreeing with him. he didn’t take it personally, thoughㅡ in hindsight, he could’ve approached the situation better. “sorry, i wasn’t really thinking. i just wanted to make her feel better.”

“well, thank you,” yujin said, her voice sincere as she looked at him. chaewon and yujin carefully helped y/n to her feet, draping her arms over their shoulders. eric lingered for a moment, his gaze softening as he looked at her one last time. she looked an absolute mess. her mascara ran in uneven streaks tracing her cheeks, while smudges of foundation, blush,and faded lipstick clung desperately to her skin. he felt horrible for how bad her night turned out. “she’s gonna be okay, right?” he asked, his voice a tinge quieter now.

“yeah,” chaewon said, tight-lipped with a small nod. “we got it from here, thanks for looking out for her.” eric nodded, stepping back as they carried y/n away. he stood there for a moment, watching until they disappeared into the house. with a deep breath, he turned back toward the balcony railing, running a hand through his hair as he tried to shake off the lingering worry. what a shitty first impression to leave. he almost wished that they had saved some alcohol, he needed another shot.

in the backseat of the taxi, y/n slumped against chaewon, her head heavy with a mouth that insisted on being anything but quiet. “i wanted to stay with him,” she mumbled, her words slurring together. her voice hiccuped slightly, carrying the unmistakable edge of drunken frustration. she replayed fragmented memories of their time together from the kitchen to the balcony. “why’d you make me leave? he was—he was so damn nice to me. oh my god, he was so sweet y’all. and he was so cute.”

chaewon yawned with a sigh, exhausted and clearly drunk, but trying her best to be a comforting friend, rubbing y/n’s arm. “yeah, yeah, i’m sure he was cool. but we had to leave, y/n. you could barely stand.”

“you were blackout drunk,” yujin chimed in from the passenger seat, twisting around to face them, her own cheeks flushed from the night’s drinks. “like, not just tipsy. you were gone, babe. eric literally told us to get you home.”

but y/n wasn’t having it. she sat up abruptly, her movements wobbly as she gestured with exaggerated fervor. “i liked him, though! he was—such a sweetheart. like, he said all this nice stuff. and we—” she paused, her drunken mind struggling to piece things together. rubbing her thighs together, her mind went straight to the kiss they shared. knowing chaewon and yujin, they wouldn’t let her hear the end of it if she dropped that kind of info. so, she opted to stop herself, quickly changing the subject. a little secret never hurt anybody.

“he was—he was talking to me, and then you guys just pulled me away.” images of how she interpreted the situation plagued her mind, as if they were plotting against her to keep her from her prince charming. “it wasn’t fair… what if i never see him again?” she slumped back dramatically, her head falling against the window with a loud thud but she wasn’t even phased by the pain. “this is so unfair.”

chaewon’s expression softened, her teasing edge melting away as she gave y/n’s arm a gentle squeeze. her voice was quieter now, reassuring, like she was trying to ground her moody friend. “you know you can keep talking to him, right? it’s not like you’ll never see him again.”

“how?” y/n exclaimed, throwing her hands up dramatically. her voice carried the same exasperation as a frustrated child, her bottom lip already jutting out in a pout. it seemed impossible, like meeting him was a once in a lifetime chance she’d fumbled.

“i don’t know, romeo,” yujin quipped, glancing back at her. “you got his number, didn’t you?” there was a glint of amusement in her tone, and it took everything not to laugh at y/n’s growing dramatics.

y/n blinked, suddenly caught off guard. “damn it,” she groaned, flopping back against the seat as the realization hit her. “i didn’t even think about that!” her voice rose in pitch as her frustration bubbled over. with another groan, she slumped forward again. “how am i supposed to find him now?”

yujin shook her head, her own buzz making her grin widen as she scrolled through her phone. “hold on,” she mumbled, squinting at the screen as she scrolled past posts and messages. “i think we follow him on instagram. chaewon and me, at least.”

“you’re kidding,” y/n said, her tone filled with disbelief as her wide eyes snapped to yujin. she was almost jealous, she wanted him to follow her too. well, maybe more than a follow. she had a list of things she now wanted from the boy, few of them being internet bound.

“mmm, nope. see? it’s right here,” yujin turned her phone toward y/n, showing her eric’s page. it wasn’t much from what she could see. just a regular layout, posting at normal locations yet somehow making the mundane parts of life look vibrant. so dreamy.“i’ll send you his profile.”

for a moment, the drunken haze clouding y/n’s mind seemed to part, and a flicker of hope broke through her frustration. her face softened, and she looked at her friends with a mixture of gratitude and awe. “you’d really give it to me?” her voice was quieter now, almost shy, but the happiness behind her words was hard to miss.

“of course,” yujin said with a shrug, her fingers already flying across the screen to send his profile link. her tone was casual as her eyes flicked to y/n. “but, like, maybe don’t embarrass yourself, okay? just be chill.” she raised an eyebrow, her gaze flickering between concern and amusement. “if you’re even capable of that right now.”

chaewon snorted beside her, the sound sharp and short, like she’d tried to suppress it but failed miserably. the corners of her lips twitched upward as she pressed her knuckles against her mouth, shaking her head at the scene unfolding before her.

“hey,” y/n shot back, the sound more of a whine than a true protest. her pout returned in full force as she crossed her arms over her chest like a petulant child. “i am capable of being chill.” but the way her words were slurred slightly at the edges and so over-exaggerated, made her claim hilariously unconvincing. her friends didn’t need to say anything, her actions spoke loud enough.

“sure you are,” chaewon said, laughter bubbling up from deep in her chest as she leaned back into the seat, shaking her head. the way she said it seemed to playfully poke even more holes in y/n’s already shaking defense. her amusement was contagious, setting off yujin, who burst into laughter that echoed through the car. “there, it’s sent,” yujin said between giggles, her cheeks beginning to ache from smiling as the notification lit up the screen.

she waved it at y/n who then grabbed her phone and stared down at the notification, her lips twitching as her pout faltered. even though she tried to hold on to her dramatic indignation, the warmth of her friends’ laughter was pulling her out of her sulk. she wasted no time exploring his public profile, staring down at it like it held all the answer to life’s mysteries. a small smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

as the taxi rolled to a stop in front of y/n’s apartment, her eyes stayed glued to one of eric’s posts. the glow of the screen illuminated her face as she scrolled through his pictures, lingering on one in particular—a candid shot of him laughing, his head tilted back and his smile wide. “he’s cute, right?” she slurred, her voice tinged with both awe and disbelief as she held the phone up for chaewon and yujin to see. “yeah, real cute,” yujin replied without even looking, her tone dismissive as she hooked her arm under y/n’s to help her out of the taxi. chaewon grabbed y/n’s other arm, the two of them exchanging knowing glances over her head.

“now come on,” yujin added, her voice straining as y/n leaned heavily on her. “let’s get you inside before you pass out in the hallway.”

“i’m not gonna pass out,” y/n protested, though her sluggish movements and the way she was tripping over her own feet, told an entirely different story. her attention drifted back to her phone. “he’s so cute,” she declared dreamily, clicking on another one of eric’s posts. she zoomed in on his face scrutinizing every detail like she was solving a puzzle.

her knees buckled slightly as she let out a squeal that blended into a wistful sigh, her head tipping back dramatically. the sudden motion nearly sent all three of them tumbling to the ground. “y/n, focus!” chaewon scolded, groaning as she tightened her grip to keep her upright. together, they stumbled through the front door, chaewon’s voice laced with equal parts exasperation and amusement.

“i am focused!” y/n shot back, though the way she swayed suggested otherwise. with a flourish, she exited out of the post and opened eric’s dms, her fingers flying across the screen. “i’m texting him right now,” she announced proudly, her voice brimming with determination.

“just don’t say anything stupid,” yujin laughed, typing in the apartment code and holding the door open for them. her tone held a faint edge of concern as she glanced over at y/n, whose fingers kept typing away. y/n, entirely oblivious to her surroundings, was deep in concentration, her thumbs working faster than her intoxicated brain could keep up. she hit send on one message, then another, a giddy smile spreading across her face as the chat filled with her messages. “he hasn’t seen them yet,” she mumbled, almost like a child waiting for a toy to arrive.

chaewon and yujin exchanged a look, their laughter bubbling up again as they guided her toward her room to toss her on the bed, watching as she remained entirely consumed by her mission. “you’re a mess,” chaewon teased, shaking her head, though there was no mistaking the fondness in her voice. after ridding themselves of their shoes, the three girls were quick to undo the chaos of the night. yujin wiped away her smudged eyeliner with one of y/n’s makeup wipes, while chaewon rummaged through a pile of clothes, discarding her dress before tossing a baggy hoodie on.

y/n, still buzzing from both the alcohol and her excitement, sat cross-legged on the bed, clutching her phone. amidst the silent ruffling of materials as the girls were focused on their respective activities, her phone buzzed. the room was momentarily filled with a high-pitched squeal as she threw her head back dramatically. “he replied!”

“oh my god, already?” yujin asked, peering over y/n’s shoulder.

“what’d he say?” chaewon added, leaning in, her curiosity piqued.

but y/n didn’t answer, her face going slack as she hunched over her phone, completely absorbed in whatever eric had sent. the other two exchanged glances before shrugging, quietly finishing up their nighttime routines while y/n sat frozen, eyes reading each thing he sent. suddenly, she let out a gasp, breaking her silence once again. “he gave me his number!” she screamed, clutching her phone to her chest like it was a prized possession.

chaewon raised an eyebrow. “well, are you gonna call him?”

y/n shot her a look that screamed duh, her fingers making quick to save his number. without hesitating, she dialed it, ignoring the way her heart was trying to beat its way out of her chest. “oh my god, you’re calling now?” yujin asked, half-laughing as she tossed herself onto the bed.

“shh!” y/n hissed, holding a finger up to quiet them. she brought the phone to her ear, biting her lip as the dial tone hummed in her ear. the sound seemed to stretch on forever, each ring louder than the last.

“what if he doesn’t pick up?” chaewon whispered, leaning closer to yujin with wide eyes.

yujin grinned. “then she’ll probably—”

“hello?”

his voice cut through the line, smooth and casual, yet undeniably familiar. y/n froze, her lips parting as the realization hit her. “uh—” she started, but her voice caught in her throat, her mind racing to find the right words. chaewon and yujin exchanged a glance, their amused smiles fading as they watched y/n’s expression shift into something softer, more vulnerable.

“hello?” he said again, a touch of curiosity creeping into his tone.

y/n exhaled slowly, closing her eyes as if bracing herself. “hey, eric,” she finally said, her voice quieter than she intended. muting, she turned to the girls. “i’ll be back.” and with that, she slipped out of the room, leaving her friends behind as the door clicked softly shut.

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marxistlesbianist · 25 days ago

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It seems to me that the propensity of socialist orgs in the US to sink into covering up sexual abuse scandals emerges from the method of volunteerism that is basically universal in political organizing here. At a queer community center I used to be involved in, there was a long-standing member who had to stop going to events because their abusive ex-boyfriend ingratiated himself in the organization. My friend who is still on their board tells me that the people involved would mostly like the man gone, but begrudgingly put up with him because he is one of the most consistent volunteers, contributing far beyond what the survivor was themselves physically capable of. This is, of course, liberal nonsense, of the specific type that arises when the goal of hosting a pride event in the suburbs each year takes precedent over community empowerment. In short, it is opportunism. And whilst I haven’t personally witnessed an ML group mishandle a sexual abuse scandal, from the accounts I have read/heard, I suspect the mechanism is similar.

What I see “leftists”—including many self-proclaimed communists—in the US fail to grasp is that it is necessary for a revolutionary organization to always be building within the masses the social base for its action. A revolution cannot be made by a mere handful of dedicated individuals, and any organization running entirely off of the work of such few volunteers is treading on dangerously unstable grounds. Of course, dedicated individuals are still going to be important for an organization, but more important is a connection to the masses which allows such individuals to be found. In crude terms: everyone must be replaceable. This is for many reasons, not the least of which is that you have to be able to recall from power anyone who commits sexual abuse.

Ultimately this means that the actions of an organization shouldn’t go far beyond what the masses are themselves currently capable of accomplishing. Disruptive protests and union efforts are methods of struggle which are readily accessible to the masses, whilst education campaigns and community survival programs simultaneously increase the fighting capacity of the masses and also to deepen the party’s ties to the people. Even when the movement reaches the point of full revolutionary war, this can only be accomplished if the masses are at the point of being able to support a people’s army. Small guerrilla cells in communities with low class consciousness are perhaps able to frustrate/disrupt the capitalist state, but not overthrow it. When Newton and Seale founded the Black Panther Party, the tactic of armed patrols was decided upon as a means of demonstrating to the community how they could use the weapons they already possessed.

When an organization commits ultra-leftist errors, it risks isolating itself from the people not just ideologically but materially. The org leaps beyond where the people can/will follow, and, divorced from the motive force of history, inevitably stumbles and falls. The way to avoid this, of course, is for an organization to take proper stock of its present manpower, and to set actionable goals with an eye toward expanding their social base—the predominant method in US orgs, conversely, seems to be a sort of opportunistic ultra-leftism, where the active capacity of the masses is overstepped in service of symbolic/electoral goals which on their own do nothing to advance the political power of the working class.

Which . . . fuck. Typing that last sentence out really fills me with frustration and despair. What gives me the slightest bit of hope is reading about how these tendencies have manifested in the history of every attempted communist revolution, with the successful ones demonstrating not how to avoid such errors entirely, but how to overcome them!

#thought cabinet #communism #we have nothing to lose but our chains. we have a world to win

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vacayisland · 1 year ago

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hiya!! can i req a short of king trollex getting injured while in barb's captivity? hurt or hurt/comfort, thanks for considering!

@!; Isolation for the soul (this isn't what I wanted) Trollex / Reader

"Summary"! Have you ever had to sit in a deafening silence? The torturing type of silence. All you ever wanted was some sort of peace, a moment of silence away from the noise. You never thought your wish would be answered in the cruelest way. "Tags"! Hurt / Comfort (a little lest comfort), y'all got the better version of the two stories in my head <3

@!; You always wanted some sort of silence, for an hour, thirty minutes, a minute, a second. It had never been quiet in Techno Reef, it had never been… quiet. And god, you had always wished for some sort of silence, but not silence like this. Not the deafening kind of silence, not the dreary silence, not the alone, abandoned, self-hatred fill silence that creeps up on you and holds you captive. The type that taunts you, haunts you, as you can do nothing but sit and be all consumed by it, encompassed by it constantly. No remorse will find you at the deepest depths of the ocean. You were alone, utterly and wholly. It was only meant to be a quick swim, one to get away from the noise of everyone and the noise of the rave that had been happening at the time. You had told Trollex this, having gone to his side and tapped his shoulder. Even while DJing, he had turned to you with the brightest grin. He had cupped your cheeks, he had given you such a big kiss and then a bigger hug as he softly told you to be careful; to get home soon, to not do anything too dangerous. You know he meant it more then than when he had told you before, after all you both were splitting egg-holding duty. Trollex had one of the twin eggs in his hair, safely tucked away and hidden, and you did too. You had brushed off his warning, giving him a playful look and quipped back he should be careful with the speakers more than anything. He had laughed, gave you one last smooch before you pulled away laughing and rushed off for your swim; yelling at him goodbye, that you would see him later. Later. How much later?

You sat at his DJ booth, sunk down on the floor as you held the only part of Trollex you still had; The egg, which was still warm yet slowly becoming cold due to the ocean. You know you should keep them in your hair, keep them warm so they will hatch yet… you were too alone, too afraid to be alone, to do that right now. Hugging the egg close, you pressed your cheek against the top as you tried to choke back your sobs. Funny, how silence was now the last thing you wanted. Ironic that the only thing you wanted now, more than ever, was the loud blaring music of the Techno reef; to hear your lover shout to the crowd, hyping them up louder than need be. Yet, all you sat in was a cold, silent reef; Having come back to nothing but silence, nothing but destruction, nothing but… nothing. It had been deserted, lettering spelling out ‘Rock’ etched into the side of the reefs and the coral. At first, you had thought it was a tasteless prank pulled by Trollex and the others; He had always been a prankster, had everyone pretend they forgot your birthday so he could throw you a big party and then a smaller one with just you and him and your friends at the end of the day. You had called for them, searched for everyone for hours before you realized you were alone. That feeling hit hard. Even more so when you stood in the center of the rave spot, seeing everything desolate, destroyed, and powered off. It felt strangely empty and cold. You felt strangely empty and cold.

And you panicked, laughing a little as you called out for people. Called out for everyone, anyone, anything! You threw things around, overturned rocks, checked buildings and hiding spots and everywhere you could think, yet no matter how hard you searched you were alone. And you didn’t know why. Why did they leave you? Did you do something? Did no one want to be around you anymore? Was the rave just a ploy to get you to swim away so everyone could pack up and leave? Leave without all their things, pack up and move to a new palace, rich. You didn’t think you had been rude to anyone or did anything to upset anyone, yet now you rethought all of that. Sitting alone, abandoned and utterly cold, you rethought everything you had done; All the words you had said, all the reactions you had given and all the ones you didn’t, all the gifts, all the yeses and nos, all of it. All at once it made you homesick and deathly lonely. It made you think, wonder, if you had shown even just a little more interest, if you had tried a little more, you wouldn’t be in this situation. You wouldn’t be alone, sitting by Trollex’s turntable with nothing but the silence you now wished would go away and be filled with deathly loud blaring music. Even if it was just for a short amount of time.

@!; A week, that’s what it took for Queen Poppy to save the day with the help of her friends. For everyone to restore their sense of music without the need of strings, singing from their hearts and letting music just be. No more Rock-apocalypse. No more feuding and isolation of tribes! Everything was right together again. “This is amazing!” Queen Poppy exclaimed, her arms extending as she watched all the trolls in the crowd interact with each other as though there were no differences; Showing each other their music, chatting and laughing, giggling too. Even the tribal leaders were interacting among the stage. As Poppy turned towards her new found friends, the biggest grin across her face, she paused. There was a small group crowded around the Techno tribe’s leader, who had fallen down onto the stage; He was coughing harshly, tears brimming at the corner of his eyes as a hand was balled against his chest. Poppy, at first, thought it was due to his coughing fit and had rushed over while shuffling around her hair for some sort of cough drop. “Poppy! Poppy, stop-” Yet Branch stopped her, grabbing her shoulder and pulling Poppy back as she sputtered out some sort of yell. “Branch I have cough drops I can help-” Poppy would spew out, rushing around in her hair to find something, anything, to help her new friend. Yet, Branch only cupped her cheeks and turned her attention over to where Trollex was sitting, forcing her to take a second look. That’s when she spotted it, seeping and clumping up under Trollex’s hand was blood.

That’s when Delta’s shouting for a medic began to ring in Poppy’s ears. That’s when Baarb had stopped on stage, her breath hitched as she realized what she had done. That’s when a hush fell over the stage as looks were passed around, unsure what to do about the current situation. Half weren’t even sure how this had happened, or how it went unnoticed during the whole song and dance number performed minutes earlier! “Medic, Y’all we need a medic!” Delta shouted as she extended one of Trollex’s fins, noting the other gash that ran down his leg. Trollex tried shaking his head, trying to say how he would be fine, yet he was only hushed when Delta had applied some disinfecting cream (which she got from Branch) around his flipper gash. “Uh-huh,” Delta mumbled sarcastically as Poppy and Queen Essence tried to get a Techno medic to help, “Pumpkin, you’re as fine as a horse who’s broken his leg! Stop playin’ the hero, you’re hurt.” But Trollex only shook his head again, knowing there was only so much time he had, “I have to get back home! I-” Though he was only interrupted again as he kicked his flipper towards Delta, feeling the disinfecting cream again. “Hey, we’re all safe and here, right? There’s no rush to get back home! So just stay here and let us help you,” Branch tried to reason with Trollex, yet this wasn’t his speciality. This was something more in Poppy’s area, yet she was off trying to get a medic from the Techno tribe to help Trollex.

“He’s right, you’re going to sit your ass here and not move!-” Started Delta, her adamant tone apparent as she gestured for Branch to hold down Trollex’s fin. If Trollex was involuntarily kicking her for applying disinfecting cream to his fin, she did not want to know how hard he’ll kick once she tried to disinfect the gash on his chest. As Delta carefully moved Trollex’s hand away from his chest, Barb (nervous and almost paralyzed with uncertainty and guilt) tried to jump in to ask how she or anyone could help; Knowing she had accidentally taken things a little too far after the whole rebellion Trollex tried to start to get back the strings—which Barb didn’t exactly appreciate at the time, even if he was the only one who actually had to courage to try and face her. She also regretted threatening the egg that Trollex had been hiding in his hair. Not like she was actually ever going to attack it, that would be going too far, yet… Barb stopped mid-way through her apology as she saw the expressions the others were giving her. She gave a, what looked to be, sheepish smile. “Yeah, maybe you should have cut it off before you started spewing about threatening to attack a baby troll.” Delta pointed out, flabbergasted that Barb would even act upon such a thought; even if it was an empty threat with nothing behind it. “Yeah…” Barb agreed, rubbing the back of her neck.

Luckily, no one had to sit on this subject for long as Poppy rushed back while waving her hands and shouting that they had found a medic from the Techno tribe. The medic had paused at first, a look of terror crossing their face as they saw Trollex. That was, until they were nudged by Poppy to go help and in which they instantly got to work; Pulling out bandages made from a mixture of seaweed, seagrass, and kelp to help stop the bleeding while the salt will help disinfect the wounds. “How’s the little one?” The medic would ask as he made quick work of tightened up the bandages around Trollex’s torso. Carefully, not wanting to ruin the bandages, Trollex reached up into his hair and produce the warm egg; it was slightly colder than it should be, as the ocean temperatures help regulate Techno eggs as much as the parents' hair does—due to the unfuzzy nature of Techno trolls’ hair, the extra warmth from the ocean is needed to stimulate growth within the egg. The medic passed the bandages off to Delta, who got a bit confused upon seeing the bandages but shrugged and went to work bandaging his fin, as the medic stood up. They held out their hands, a silent request to take the egg. Yet, Trollex looked weary passing the egg on. He brought it to himself slightly, a look of confliction crossing his face. And that’s when the medic grew a somber look, knowing the reason behind his hesitation. They haven’t seen you since the attack, and Trollex was sure you had come back before it all.

“What? What’s wrong?” Poppy jumped in on a chance to try and help, noticing the frowned eyebrows and the somber looks that the two trolls shared. Yet, she received no response. Which clouded the others with nerves, unsure what to do or what to say or how to help with a situation they had no information on. “Excuse me, Barb…” The medic would turn to Queen Barb, who stiffened a little at the sudden addressment. She looked at the two, glancing between them, as the Medic glanced down at Trollex with an unreliable expression for a moment. Trollex would only shake his head, in which the Medic would take a step away from everyone; Creating some sort of space that seemingly was needed for this situation. Trollex was careful as he tried to push himself onto his fins, Delta and Branch helping to support him back up as Trollex held his egg. He kept his eyes down at it for a while, a silence fogged over the silent stage as chatter from other trolls in the crowd could be heard. And despite that, it seemed overly quiet. “Barb,” Trollex started cautiously, trying to pick and choose his words. His eyes narrowed, a pained expression flashed in his eyes as he glanced up at Barb, “Did you ever harm someone from my Tribe?” “Yeah…?” Barb started, cautiously and a little nervous at the look she was getting. “You!... by accident.”

“No, not me! I mean another Techno troll who happened to be, like, this tall and also had an egg with them that looks like mine?” Trollex hugged the egg tighter in effect to try and show he was crossing his arms in some sort of way. Yet the worry that crossed his face was more than enough to show he wasn’t playing, if anyone had even thought that in the first place. And the panicked look that crossed with realization that flashed across Trollex’s face the second that Barb had said “no” freaked the others out more. Yet, in Trollex’s mind, all he could think about was you. You; Who could possibly be all alone at this moment. You; Who was most likely left in the desolate and destroyed Techno reef. You; Who didn’t handle abandonment well. You; You consumed his thoughts as worry began to boil over him, flooding every single vein on his body as horrible images flashed through his head on what you could be facing right at this moment. None of them he liked. All of them lead to one conclusion; He had to get back to you right now.

@!; A week of isolation was not the best for a Troll; Nevertheless a week of isolation with self deprecating thoughts without something to stop them while having to take care of an egg was absolute torture. At times you wanted to smash the egg, hatred boiling over your body at the isolation, at the fact that you had been left, at yourself; Yet you had always managed to catch yourself before you did so and you always felt so much shame for acting in such a way. How could you try and kill your own child, who had done nothing wrong? How could you even think about taking their life before they had even been able to experience the world? How could you be such a monster? You sometimes grew so disgusted with yourself that you couldn’t touch your egg for hours; Simply taking to stare at it after having wrapped it in a kelp blanket as you replayed the terrifying scene in your mind. So many times you had been close to snapping, so many times you had almost smashed the egg or decided to leave it alone and pray it got eaten. So many times you thought about leaving it entirely and going on your own way, to leave this all behind instead of sticking around with some sort of sickening hope that someone, anyone, would come back and help. Something kept you here though, caged you in your own torture. Trapped you in isolation with a choking self hatred that you couldn’t shake no matter how much you tried. You weren’t sure how long ago you had the color sucked out of you, you hadn’t been counting how long everyone had been gone. You hadn’t slept well since that day, so you couldn’t even attempt to judge the days.

You hadn’t even realized when Trollex had returned, even despite the group of people he had following him (due to his injuries). The ringing in your ears blocked out the shouting, the fuzz in your brain made it hard to think of anything anymore. “Starfish?” Trollex shouted, panicking as he zipped around Techno reef. He turned over every building, trying to find any place you could be isolating yourself at. “Dude, hey!” Synth tried to follow Trollex, “You’re injured, slow down!” He shouted, glancing back at other leaders who had decided to follow. He just had to make sure they were good in the air bubbles they had blown for them before he zipped off towards Trollex, just to make sure he didn’t make his injuries worse. Yet, Trollex couldn’t care less about everyone else. He needed to find you, scratch that he was going to find you before anymore time could pass. “Starfish? Love?” And that’s when he found you at his DJ station, back resting against his turntables as you stared at the kelp-wrapped egg in front of you. Something in Trollex made him stop, despite the feeling that made him want to lunge at you and tackle you in a hug. He knew you were bad alone, even more so horrible with overthinking, and he had expected you to be in a bad shape when he found you yet… not this. Not gray. He had promised you wouldn’t hurt when you started dating and he had failed.

Trollex was more careful to approach you this time around, slowly swimming around his turntables to sit down next to you. He wanted to do nothing more than to hug you, to reassure that he was back and he didn’t mean to leave you. That all those nasty thoughts in your head were nothing but lies, yet he wasn’t even sure where to start; You were so out of it that you hadn’t even acknowledged him yet. In the background, Synth had finally caught up with Trollex enough to see what was happening. He had paused himself seeing the scene, even backing up a little to give you both some sort of privacy; stopping the other tribe leaders as well. They couldn’t see much from where they floated, yet they could make out Trollex carefully taking the second egg into his hands and storing it in his hair along with the first, before turning to you—all gray and desolate. The silence was deafening, it was so deafening all you wanted to do was to cover your ears and forget sound existed at all. Yet, as you tried to cover your ears your hands were caught by Trollex’s; His familiar hands, the way your hands fit into his, and the warmth. It made you crumble, despite everything that circled in your mind like a tornado and you were pulled into a hug instantly. A warm hug, a familiar one. Most importantly one that could cloud all the silence with a simple ‘thump’, ‘thump’, ‘thump’.

.ᐟ this work is published and owned by @vacayisland. please do not plagiarize, copy, or steal this work; like, reblogs, and saves are appreciated :D

#trollex x reader #trolls trollex #trolls band together #trolls x reader #dreamworks trolls #trolls #trolls 3 #trolls dreamworks #trolls fandom #king trollex #trolls world tour #queen barb #poppy #branch #delta trolls #synth trolls #trollstopia

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frannyzooey · 2 years ago

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Short Days, Long Nights: 1

Joel Miller x f!Reader

Rating: none — I’ll change it to E when we get there (slow burn, forced proximity, age gap — no age actually mentioned but rather more implied, competence kink)

Summary: Part of a band of travelers, your party is slowly picked off one by one, until there are only two of you left. Finding an abandoned cabin in the woods, you decide to make camp there until you figure out your next move. As the seasons change, the nights get longer and longer…..

A/N: Thank you endlessly to @mourningbirds1 for the incredible feedback, beta, and comments. As always, I couldn’t do it without you. Thank you also to @write-and-buried for her TLOU knowledge and constant support, and @the-ginger-hedge-witch for reading this one over and making me confront how much Joel Miller has rotted my brain 😉 Enjoy!

—

SPRING

The copse of trees surrounding you is dense, and from the overgrown path you’ve been following by groove alone, you almost miss it. A flash of muted, dingy blue in a sea of green.

“Hey,” you call to him. “What’s that?”

He turns, his features and body already taut with a practiced, ready tension and when he sees your face isn’t one of concern but rather curiosity, he relaxes. Walking over to you, he follows the line of your finger with his eyes.

At first, he sees nothing. Just a wall of clustered vegetation: sturdy trunks that hide behind branches heavily weighted with rain, the floor beneath them obscured by ferns that brush against your legs and growth that softens your footsteps. His eyes catch on something too angular for the setting and he frowns, focusing on it.

Barely visible in the distance and seen only through the filtered sunlight that catches the sharp edge: a moss covered roof. A structure, isolated like the two of you.

He glances over at you for a moment, reflexively reaching back for his rifle.

“Let’s take a look.”

Weapon out with his steps steady and slow, he approaches the cabin with a careful, defensive slink. As it slowly comes into view, you brace yourself for any type of movement. Second nature to now activate the constant thrum of self preservation inside you, you check for visible traps as you follow him, your eyes flitting between the building and the ground.

A specific sort of tension fills the air when something is close: you know that feeling now, have become so sensitive that it can wake you from dead sleep the second you feel it. Like a sixth sense forced to emerge due to evolution, you focus on it and feel none of that tension here: just the trilling sound of birds, the soft crunch of pine needles underfoot and the peaceful silence of total seclusion.

Joel catches your attention with the jerk of his head, motioning to stay close.

You approach the front of the cabin together. His hands white knuckle the gun, the butt tucked tight against the worn strap of his backpack where it curves around his shoulder and as his fingers flex in anticipation, you hold your breath.

There is a weighted beat as you wrap your hand around the knob and turn.

In the end, it’s all for nothing - the cabin you find, after roughly working the warped door open, is abandoned.

–

It’s like a time capsule in the middle of the woods.

A thick layer of dust covering everything, motes of it swirl lazily in the beam of Joel’s flashlight as you wander from room to room. His boots scrape against the floor with heavy footfalls, the two of you silently surveying the causally cozy and completely still disarray: a moth bitten handmade quilt thrown over the back of the couch, outdated magazines in a stack on the counter, cobwebbed toothbrushes by the bathroom sink. Bookshelves packed with faded spines, grime covered windows, dead plants in pretty pots lining sills.

Someone loved this cabin once.

Used to your partner through circumstance by now, you anticipate an order to scavenge for everything you can carry and then move on, so you’re surprised when he sets his pack down on the floor and lets himself fall back onto the couch. A cloud of dust bursts into the stagnant air, his hands coming up to wearily scrub his face. They rake through his damp, messy curls as he closes his eyes before laying his head back and letting out an exhausted sigh.

“This should do for the night,” he says. “Could stay until the rain lets up, at least. Be nice to sleep on something other than the ground for a change.”

You nod in agreement, rolling out the kink in your shoulder you woke up with. Your eyes drift over the exposed line of his tanned throat, lingering on the hollow just above his collar. You force yourself to look away. “Yea, the beds didn’t look too bad.”

There had been two of them, across the hall from each other and the idea of a mattress - no matter how old - had you yearning to climb into bed already. Nothing saying you can’t, you reason with yourself. Not when time is more of a concept than anything else these days but the gnawing hunger in your stomach immediately disagrees, knowing exactly how long it’s been since you’ve last eaten.

“I’m gonna go look for some food,” you tell him and he hums in acknowledgement, seemingly indifferent.

Not really expecting to find anything of substance, you feel a swoop of scarce felt joy when you discover a cache of canned goods in the pantry. A treasure trove.

“Hey Joel,” you call, wiping your thumb over a peeled, dried out label. “I think I found dinner.”

He doesn’t answer, most likely asleep given his ability to succumb whenever and wherever he can when he gets a moment and you take several, bringing them over to the counter. Brushing away the dust that sticks to the labels, you survey your choices: baked beans and peaches, two of each. Just what you would expect at a lake house.

Letting him rest and holding the beans in your hand and a spoon you find in another, you take bites straight from the can as you wander down the hallway of the cabin, looking at the pictures on the walls. Using the heel of your hand to wipe away the dust that covers the glass, smiling faces emerge from the fog. You study them one by one, slowly chewing.

They look like stock photos you used to see in stores: generically bland smiles, posed to perfection. An elderly couple with their children of various ages, a large family gathering photo, parents with children sitting between them. You try hard to picture those people here: sitting in the living room, sleeping in the bedrooms, playing outside. The concept seems too foreign to grasp, too far away to be real and you take another bite of food, pushing away the sudden unbidden reminder of similar photos you once had in your own home, now lost.

You hear the couch protest as Joel gets up, coming to pass you in the hallway. He stops for a moment behind you, looking to see what you’re staring at and when he sees what it is, he frowns. Letting a deep sigh escape him, he keeps moving down the narrow space and with his pack in his hand, disappears into a bedroom.

–

Wanting the safety of his nearness and given that it’s the only other bedroom, you set up across the hall when you’re done eating. Placing your own worn pack on the floor, you start to methodically strip the mattress, shaking out the bedding. Minimal creeping mold darkens the seamed edge of a mattress in otherwise good condition and you flip it, hoping for the best. Shaking out the pillow to make sure there is nothing hiding in it, you take the pillowcase with you, wanting to air it out on the deck now that the rain has stopped.

Wanting to do the same for him, you walk into the bedroom he’s claimed and even though he’s not in there, it already feels like an invasion of privacy to be standing in it. His pack slumped on the end of the bed a visual claim, you grab his pillow off the bed and start to tug off the case.

What does he look like, sleeping in a real bed? Does he bunch the pillow or tangle himself in the quilt? When he gets up, is there a rumpled form left behind, still warm with the heat of his body pressed into the sheets?

For all the time you’ve spent with him, the majority of Joel is a mystery to you. He gives away more than he knows, but that’s still not a lot. You knew of him back in the QZ: his broad frame a hard one to miss, his reputation even bigger and while your paths rarely crossed within the borders of those high walls, once you set out, it was hard to stay out of his orbit.

His handsomeness drew your eye initially, but it was his usefulness that made you stay in his shadow. His determination to fight for his own made you feel protected by proximity, even more so when he extended it to you.

Had to, once your group got picked off one by one.

You had been thankful, in a sick way, that he was the one that remained. The best one. The most ruthless one. A ruthlessness you admired, then revered, then thought about at night as you tried to drift off to sleep.

Without needing to sleep clothed to protect himself from the elements, does he still sleep in them, or will he be in less? If so, how much less?

Sharply snapping the pillowcase in the air, the sound brings you back to the present and you shake away the thoughts, leaving the room.

“Whatcha got there?” He’s sitting on the couch, a can of peaches in his hand and when you face him, you have to look away from the glistening juice on his lips.

“Oh, I was going to hang these outside, see if I can get some of the dust smell out.” Your nose crinkles and he smirks, taking another bite and shaking his head.

“Thought you’d be used to that by now.”

You shrug, taking a seat in a chair by the woodstove. Leaning forward to inspect it, your chair wobbles; the front leg rotted.

He nudges his chin in the direction of the stove when you open its door. “I thought about lighting it, but we better not. Don’t want the smoke showin’ people someone’s here.”

You nod, sitting back in the chair. “I can’t believe what a good find this is. There’s all sorts of stuff. I found some clothes in the closets, some more blankets too, if you need one.”

You watch him chew, his jaw flexing under the salt and pepper of his beard.

“There is more food where that came from, if you’re hungry. The pantry is pretty full.”

He acknowledges it with a nod, taking another bite and you glance towards the windows that run the length of the room. A miracle none of them are broken, thanks to the secured tarp that lined the outside.

“I think I’m gonna clean some of these and see if I can get a better view.”

“Cleanin’ the windows, doin’ the laundry. You lookin’ to move in?” His teasing tone is a dry one, and you smile, shrugging.

“Just so we can see what’s out there. In case someone comes.”

He looks at you, his eyes narrowing for a moment before he finishes the can, drinking the juice.

“Well don’t wear yourself out too much,” he says, standing with a soft grunt of pain. “We ain’t gonna be here that long. Not worth makin’ it all homey.”

He sets the can down on the counter, grabbing his bow and supplies off the surface. You watch him check his stock of arrows before reaching back to feel for the knife strapped to his belt.

“I’m gonna go see if I can find us something for dinner.” He gives you a look, his eyes quickly sliding down over your form and then back up. “Yell if you need me, okay? I’ll stay close.”

You nod, holding his eyes for a minute and when he goes, you use the pads of your fingers to wipe clean a clear circle on the window.

A creek lines the edge of the property, one that you didn’t even hear from the path with how thick the vegetation is and you watch him walk down along the edge of it for a moment, his head bowed. His hair is lighter in the sun, ruffling slightly in the wind and you keep watching until his form disappears behind the trees.

–

Searching the cabinets methodically for anything of use while he’s gone, you find them buried deep in a junk drawer, sealed inside a faded, dirty ziplock.

Seed packets. A lot of them.

“Holy shit,” you whisper to yourself, opening the plastic pouch. You handle each pack delicately, spreading them neatly and carefully out on the counter and marvel silently at the whole vegetable garden you’ve found in this tiny bag. The haul would be worth more than you can imagine back at the QZ, but the potential for it is even higher here, in this dim kitchen, with that patch of moist, fertile soil outside.

You pick them up one at a time, sorting them by recommended growth timelines and a thought takes root in your mind; the paper packets eventually gathered and put neatly back into the bag.

You let it stew the rest of the afternoon, into the evening. As the sky dims, then darkens, as he comes back with a skinned rabbit and cooks it, as you both sit in the living room after dinner, your dirty plates resting on the coffee table between you.

He’s sprawled on the couch, his arm behind his head with his thighs spread wide and the denim around his thighs is molded tight; his other hand resting limply against the inside of his thigh. When his eyes close, your eyes drop from his face to his hand, and then back up again.

“So I found something today,” you begin, and he answers with a slow drawl, content and full.

“Oh yea? Anything good?”

“Really good. Like, something really, really good.”

He opens his eyes then, looking over at you with a tilt of his head.

“Well? You gonna tell me what it is?”

You draw one of the packets from your pocket, holding it in your hand and he sits up immediately, leaning forward on his elbows to reach for it.

“Careful,” you warn, scared some will leak out of the thin, dried out paper.

“You found these here?”

“Yea, in a drawer. In the kitchen.”

You can tell by the way he is looking at them that he knows their value. His hands hold them more tenderly than you thought his hands capable of, and he flips the packet over, reading the front.

“I would kill for a fresh squash right now,” he mumbles, more to himself than anything, as he studies the front.

“Well…” you start, suddenly unsure of your idea when he brings his eyes back up to your face. It’s intimidating when he looks directly at you normally, but you feel it tenfold now. He’s always been the one to call the shots, his experience in this world outweighing yours and while you’re nervous to throw yours out there, thinking of the alternatives nudges you forward.

“I was sort of thinking this afternoon. About this place, and about these seeds.” You pause, looking away for a moment and then back at him. “About us, maybe staying here.”

He immediately frowns, scoffing to discourage the idea. “You can’t be serious. Stay here?”

Though you expected it, his immediate dismissive tone flares annoyance in you.

“Where else is there to go, Joel?” you ask, your voice gaining confidence. “Be serious. Every settlement has been a nightmare, every place we’ve tried —“

He shakes his head, cutting your argument off. “I said we could stay for a night, not stay forever goddamnit. We’re like sitting ducks out here, just waitin’ to get killed. In the middle of fuckin’ no where —“

“Exactly!” you say louder, before bringing your voice down. “Exactly. We didn’t even see this place from the road. Not even from the path off the road. Who is going to find us here? No one knows about this place, or else it would have been looted ages ago. The tarps hid it, the trees block it, the –”

“And then what, huh? The second we light that wood stove, it’s gonna give us away. Even so, what then when someone wandering down that path sees the same thing we saw, and they decide to come take a look for themselves? They are gonna see everything we have – everything you’re suggesting we start – and they are gonna kill us for it.”

He pauses, the next statement forcing you to look at the ground. “Just like we would have done if we found someone else here. Just like we do.”

You say nothing, letting the words hang in the air.

“Just —“ you pause, looking down at your hands. Flashes of the last few months play back in your mind: the hangings, the strict enforcement of rules for all made to benefit the few, the bleak apartment you live in. This mission, all the things you’ve seen along the way, all the fear and terror you’ve felt and how the only person who has ever made you feel safe since the Outbreak began is sitting right here in this room.

If ever this could work, it would only work with him.

You bring your eyes back to him, pleading. “Aren’t you tired of it? So restless, always fighting against everything. For everything you have. Aren’t you sick of it, Joel?”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m just fine.” His tone is clipped, but you can tell he’s thinking. He glances at his watch, the broken face staring back at him. It’s been broken for as long as you’ve known him, but he’s always treated it as carefully as his weapons, his supplies. You can see him illuminated by the moon profile in your mind, his fingers skating around the face as he kept watch, or brushing it with his thumb to delicately keep the dirt off. Seeing your opening, you take it.

“I’m not saying forever,” you press. “Hell, I’m not even saying a month. But let’s just stop for a second. Let’s… just stop. Nothing says we have to go back there. We could be dead, for all they know.”

He brings his attention back to you and placing his hands in his pockets, he straightens his spine. “Probably will be, sooner or later, if we stay here.” He looks you directly in the eye, holding your gaze. “It’s not just the supplies they’ll take. They’ll want way more than that.”

You raise your chin, ignoring the tightening of fear in your chest. He hasn’t let that happen yet, and even if it's foolish to believe, you know he won’t let it happen. When he sees you’re not going to answer, he sighs.

The lantern is bright between you, illuminating the room in a soft glow and his deep brown eyes study you. His expression is stern, like he wants to say no…but he doesn’t.

“It’s a dumb idea.” His statement is said with resignation, but with the authority of the last word and deciding not to push it any further tonight, you stand.

“Well, good thing it was just an idea.” Glancing over at the seed packet, you chew your bottom lip while he watches your face with a frown and your voice gets softer, quieter.

“I’m gonna get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”

—

He isn’t there when you wake up, and finding his bow gone, you know he’s out hunting again.

You wander over to the coffee table to pick up the packet of seeds you left there last night when you see a book facedown next to it. Like he was reading something he found on the shelves after you went to bed, and left it there.

Picking it up and turning it over in your hands, a smile unfurls at the edge of your mouth and you sit down on the couch, opening it to the first page:

The Basics of Gardening

#joel miller #joel miller/you #joel miller/reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #the last of us fanfiction #pedro pascal character fanfiction

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heesdreamer · 2 years ago

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ECHOES OF RIOT

PAIRING ➩ heeseung x reader

SUMMARY ➩ falling inlove with a rockstar is never easy, especially when he returns to your hometown on a successful tour three years after you lost contact

WARNINGS ➩ this is like straight up angst… romance but mostly angst lol.. drug use, some violence, idk can’t really remember this is ridiculously long

WC ➩ 19.1k

AUTHORS NOTE ➩ well this took me forever lol.. i don’t have much to say i just hope you like it. NOT PROOFREAD normally written at 4am lol the usual.. also side note one of the main characters was chaeyoung and i changed her to heejin for obvious reasons so if you see any of her name left over that’s my mistake and that’s why.

You weren’t exactly sure how you ended up like you did, so meek and quiet to the point that it was an actual hinderance on your daily activities.

If you were born like that, just one of those kids that was too shy to talk to their classmates and hid behind their moms legs on the first day of school, you’d completely understand but you’d actually been nearly the opposite for your entire life.

Maybe it was an accumulation of always feeling like you were taking up too much space, being on the receiving end of quick glares from teachers when you lacked volume control or seeing the hesitance on your friends parents faces when they excitedly asked if you could come over for a sleepover. Mixed with your own sudden self awareness going into high school.

You quickly realized that it wasn’t the loud girls getting asked out on dates and it was an almost immediately decline into self intrusion once you made this discovery.

It wasn’t like you necessarily wanted to be asked out by anybody, physically recoiling as your friends gossiped about the mass appointed hottest guys at your school and turning up your nose when they made sleazy attempts to flirt and court the other girls around you, but it felt embarrassing to be constantly left out of romantic group hangouts or discussions about experiences you’d never had.

Still, you had managed to keep a solid group of friends despite your newfound habit of self isolating and they only halfway judged you for your tendency to stay in on the weekends.

On the other half however, they weren’t so forgiving, hence why you were currently stood outside a low scale concert venue shivering so hard you were worried you’d chip a tooth. You were pulling your zip up hoodie tighter around your body and sending glares to your friends who were chatting animatedly about the band they were going to see.

Apparently it was composed of some boys around your age, not attending your school but well known enough that they had been invited to some of your friends parties and events and eventually your friend group had been given tickets to one of their shows.

You weren’t the biggest fan of crowds in general but especially concert goers and you’d been promised that this one would be chill and relaxing, something you automatically knew was a lie the second you left the cab and saw the attire of everybody around you. The line was buzzing with energy and adrenaline and you could hear the acts doing soundcheck from inside, music loud and heavy.

It was freezing and as much as you were dreading being pushed into a crowd with jabbing elbows and sweat rolling off their skin onto yours, you were ready to get out of the line as more and more snow kept falling down onto the uncaring crowd.

“Aren’t you excited?” Your head was turning at the sound of a soft voice coming from your right and you smiled softly at one of your calmer friends.

“Sure Sunoo. It’ll be fun.” You were replying quickly, not needing them to feel awkward or guilty about bringing you just because you didn’t necessarily want to come. You figured he could tell you were lying by the pity filled look he gave you but he didn’t call you out for it.

He didn’t say anything else for a second and he didn’t get a chance before the doors were opening and the line was surging forward, already getting your tickets checked while you waited and turning into a blob of people and excitement all trying to squeeze into the single door.

You were groaning softly at the feeling of being jostled around but you couldn’t help but laugh at the fact all of your friends were linking arms and declaring to stay together, slightly envious of the pure delight on their faces whilst your heart was starting to ache from the anxious way it was pounding. You let yourself be dragged through the crowd by them, closing your eyes for a second when you pushed through the tightest areas and just allowing them to guide you through it.

The venue was more so just a bar with a small stage but your friends had told you that these were the best types of places to see a show at, intimate and ear shattering loud.

They’d said the last half with an enthusiastic giggle but you had winced softly at the image of how close you’d be to the large speakers that you now saw adorning the stage. It was dark in the building and your shoes were sticking to the floor beneath you, lights turned a deep glowing green and something more casual playing over the speakers to fill the silence.

You’d followed behind them as they found a spot near the bar, safely tucked away from the crowd and planning to wait out the opening acts here to preserve their energy. They all agreed to push into the crowd once the main band came out and try to get as close as they possibly could, looking over at you for acceptance and all smiling and patting your back when you gave a sheepish nod.

It wasn’t that bad and you were quickly getting used to it, the thick cloud of cigarette smoke settling over you and only making you slightly dizzy now.

You felt a bit embarrassed and out of place but everybody else was too excited or drunk to notice that you weren’t exactly in the most appropriate attire. Sunoo had shot you a questioning glance when you’d gotten into the shared cab but you only just now realized you weren’t fitting in with the rest of the crowd or your friends even slightly.

The difference between you and them was even more evident when the owner of the bar was stepping onto stage and excitedly announcing the first artists, all your friends cheering and holding onto each other while you sat and watched from one of the bar stools.

You were still able to have fun as you watched them, smiling softly at the way they kept instinctively moving forward together as the music started and they screamed the lyrics. You didn’t recognize the songs that the band was covering but you knew enough about music to tell it sounded amazing, watching them closely as they skillfully played off of each other and got the crowd properly amped up.

You’d never really understood the purpose behind opening acts but you were getting it now considering you were feeling more and more excited for the main band as you kept watching.

Then more time had passed and the crowd had entered that stage of being too excited and too intoxicated to really understand boundaries and limits, a few fights breaking out that your friends didn’t bat an eye at but you were starting to feel a really deep pit building in your stomach.

It only worsened when somebody was hurriedly, and messily, approaching the bar and demanding another drink as he anxiously looked behind him at where you presumed his spot in the crowd was. You were watching him out of the corner of your eye as he ordered, feeling him swaying drunkenly closer to you and wanting to make sure he didn’t accidentally tip over and knock you out of your seat.

Your intuition was astoundingly accurate considering it wasn’t long before somebody else was approaching the man and leaning into his side, sending the both of them tilting over in your direction.

You’d just managed to hop off the bar seat before they were slamming into it but with the speed in which you’d jumped off combined with the sticky floor underneath you, you were skidding forward and landing roughly on your side against the ground.

Neither man seemed coherent enough to notice you had fallen from the height and you could hear them drunkenly laughing with each other from above you. Your friends hadn’t noticed the altercation either and you quickly frowned at the nasty sensation under your hands before you were standing up and swiftly adjusting your skirt.

You were rushing back out towards the entrance before anybody could notice your disappearance, pushing back through the door and immediately being hit by the cold air as the snow continued to build up on the ground. You were sighing and bending down to pick some of it off the sidewalk, rubbing it in your hands and trying to clean them off the best you could with the wetness.

“You’re going to miss the main act.”

You were jumping at the sound of a voice coming from behind you, standing up swiftly and turning around to see somebody leaning against the building and taking a long drag from whatever it was that he was smoking.

“Oh.. yeah I know I just.. had something on my hands.” You were mumbling out towards him and indicating awkwardly at the snow in your hands, realizing how weird it must’ve looked from his angle.

He was laughing softly at your explanation and your face flushed in embarrassment again for the sixth time that night, taking in his attire and knowing he’d be able to tell right away that you weren’t exactly supposed to be here. He was tall, would be even taller if he was standing up straight and it was especially accentuated by the tight fit of his ripped black jeans. You couldn’t see his face super clearly from where he was stood underneath the shaky lights but his hair was messy and in his eyes and you thought you saw a piercing or two shining on his face.

“Who dragged you here?” He was suddenly asking and you froze up again as you looked at him, eyes darting down to his feet for a second nervously.

“My friends got tickets and I couldn’t get out of it.” You were telling him softly and shrugging a bit. A car was driving past on the empty road and you waited for the sounds of the snow crunching under its tires to quiet before you finished. “From the band actually.”

You look back at him just in time to see his eyebrows lift in surprise and then settle into recognition, your own shifting forward in furrowed confusion. The boy was taking a step off the wall then and flicking his cigarette somewhere off near the road, your eyes following the still burning ember as it flew through the air before circling back to him.

“I’ll see you inside then.” His tone was one of a statement and not a question but you were still slightly confused despite the fact you habitually nodded at him.

You let out a big sigh once he was leaving finally, weirdly going through the alley towards what you could only assume was a side entrance and not the door right next to him. It quickly slipped your mind and you decided to wait for the previous act to finish up before you also headed back in.

You crouched back down closer to the snow and continued to try and clean off your hands and parts of your sleeves that had gotten stained from whatever substances were on the floor. The cold was sending waves of shivers through you but you simply ignored the uncomfortable feeling, especially since you figured you’d warm up quickly once you headed back inside.

Eventually you could hear the second opening act thanking the crowd for their intense energy before the familiar voice of the bar owner was back, this time more excited as he announced that the main band was finally coming out on to the stage.

You sighed softly again to yourself before stomping the slush off your boots and heading back through the door, once again being hit by the tight atmosphere that was a lot more sweaty than when you had first walked in and was now practically buzzing with adrenaline.

It was harder than you had planned for to get back to your seat and you almost gave up and just resided to the back of the building but once the band members were finally on stage the crowd surged forward, a gap in the mass of people slightly opened up and you were hurrying through it back towards where your friends had been. They were gone now but you had expected that, knowing they must likely went closer to the stage.

You were just barely settling back into an empty stool when the band was coming out on stage and you frowned when you realized you could barely see them, sitting up slightly and freezing up when you got a better view.

One of the boys was standing center stage and speaking into the mic, presumably introducing them to the crowd who was cheering the loudest they had all night, but your gaze was drifting a few feet to his right to where one of the guitarist was standing.

You immediately recognized him as the boy from outside, a wave of embarrassment washing over you as you remembered how you had been less than enthusiastic about coming and had told him the band invited you and your friends. His surprised expression was making sense to you now and you would’ve turned to face palm if you weren’t stuck staring at him.

He was scanning the crowd for a few seconds and your eyes widened a touch when he was looking in your direction, stopping his wandering gaze as a soft smirk started to build up on his lips.

You were glancing around you to see if there was anything else he could be looking at and then feeling your face heat up alarmingly fast when you realized there wasn’t and he definitely recognized you from your awkward encounter outside.

Then they were starting to play and you were frozen for other reasons, your eyes locked on him and his frame as he started to open the song slow and soft. It wasn’t the type of music you had expected from them just based off of appearance and you were completely transfixed by the way they skillfully moved with their respective instruments, the boys behind the mics voice coming through now.

The crowd was swaying along with the gentle music, calming down into a low buzz like they were being completely controlled by the bands sound and energy.

You sat frozen like that for the entirety of the first song, mouth slightly parted in surprise and watching the boy you’d seen outside as he continued to play. You didn’t know much about guitars but you could tell he was good, his louder than the others and ringing out clear even underneath the distorted vocals.

He wasn’t looking at you anymore because he wasn’t looking at anything at all, leaning back and keeping his eyes shut as he played them through the final half of the first song. He was rocking along with his strums and he seemed just as into it and transfixed as the rest of the building was.

The first song slowed to a stop and you heard the vocalist laugh softly into the mic before he was glancing behind him towards where the drummer was sitting. You watched them curiously as they nodded at eachother in silent communication, amazed at how casual and relaxed they seemed to be in front of all of these people.

“Obviously we know what you’re all here for.” The lead vocalist was speaking into the mic with a small smile and the two guitarist start to build up the intro of the next song. “Watch your elbows and try not to knock anyone out.”

He was laughing as he finished his lighthearted warning but you watched as the crowd surged with excitement and started to move around, coming to life in sync like they were all the same creature and you felt a bit sick at how tight and moving it was quickly becoming. He was starting to sing again in a lower tone and even though the song was still bordering on calm, you could feel it building up along with the energy in the room.

It was closer to what you had expected their music to sound like and although it wasn’t necessarily something you’d keep on during your downtime, you couldn’t help but feel a bit giddy at the way the entire crowd reacted to the explosive chorus.

The drummers voice was rasping underneath the main vocalist now and you quickly understand their previous communication, a smile building on your face as you watched the guitarist from outside staring at them with an unfiltered excitement.

They played more songs and you continued to sit and watch them unmoving, your eyes mostly transfixed on the boy with the guitar until the end of their set. You’d never seen somebody play the way he did and you almost felt like you had no choice but to watch him considering how captivating he looked on stage. Eventually they were shouting their goodbyes towards the crowd and accepting thrown gifts and hands reaching out for contact, all except for the guitarist considering he was just watching and smiling at the crowd for a distance.

You were still watching them as they left the stage and disappeared back into the restricted part of the building, not even noticing when your friends were excitedly bounding back over to you.

“That was fucking awesome.” Heejin was wrapping her arm around your shoulder and shaking you enthusiastically, sweat lining her dyed hair now and making her tattoos glisten under the now red lighting.

“Jungwon somehow sounds 100 times better in person.” You turned your head to see Sunoo coming to sit next to you with an impressed look on his face, shaking his head in disbelief and still watching the empty stage like you were a few moments ago. “Plus I didn’t know Jake could sing like that.”

“He sang at that school event remember? Before Jay got him into drumming.” Riki was quickly explaining and taking a swig of a water bottle he was carrying, still slightly out of breath from the tight and hot crowd.

You watched them talk animatedly about the show with a soft smile and fondness, you were glad they had fun even if you were originally hesitant to come out with them. It had been better than you’d expected and you still felt a little rush of excitement under your skin when you thought about how loud and beautiful the music had been. You’d completely forgotten about falling on the floor or any mishap.

“Are you ready to go then? We don’t want to keep them waiting, they’re probably super tired.” Joonie was turning to smile at you and await your response but her grin faltered when she saw the heavy look of confusion gracing your features. “You didn’t ask her?”

She was moving her head to give an accusatory stare towards the others and Sunoo winced softly at the harshness in her glare. Riki was sighing and scratching the back of his neck before answering. “We figured we’d ask her after she saw them… maybe she’d be more inclined to say yes.”

“Say yes to what?” You were quickly butting in, slightly frustrated that they were talking around you like you weren’t sat right there watching the entire thing.

“The band wanted us to come over to their place after the show.” Heejin was answering hesitantly, watching you with an expectant look like she was already prepared for you to shut them down.

You can’t deny that the thought immediately crossed your mind, beyond used to rejecting hangouts instinctively especially ones that were so small and intimate with people you didn’t know.

Then you were thinking about the way they had performed and how you had felt seeing them have so much fun on the stage, like they never cared about taking up too much space and they certainly weren’t concerned with ever being too loud. You were pausing for a few seconds to think about it even though you already felt like your mind had been made up, meeting your friends waiting stares and giving them a soft nod of approval.

——

You had quickly come to regret your accepting nod on your way to meet up with the boys, packed into a cab with your friends who still vaguely smelled like the inside of the venue and conjoined sweat.

They still seemed excited so you were trying your best to not be a visible mood killer but you were getting more and more anxious the closer you got to where you’d be meeting, not even exactly sure what type of environment you were going into.

It got even worse when the cab was pulling to a stop in front of a house tucked neatly in a lower class suburban area, the dread of having to make small talk in such an intimate setting like one the boys house was making your stomach turn with nausea. You sucked it up and followed behind your friends with held breath, listening as the door opened and they excitedly greeted whoever it was that was behind it.

You eventually filed through and when it was your turn to pass through the doorway, you realized it was Jake who had opened it.

You recognized him from school events like Riki had mentioned before, not attending yours but a few times a year the neighboring schools held community shows and events to bring the area closer together and scout for grants and sponsorships. You distinctly remember Jake sitting on the stage a few years back, looking beyond nervous as he softly strung his acoustic guitar and sang a song that had slipped your memory by now.

It was a striking opposition to what you’d seen him do tonight, both the fact he had been singing so hard his voice was scratching underneath Jungwon’s softer tone and the way he was slamming down on the drums so hard you had been worried he’d break something.

He had a certain buzzing energy to him that helped this make sense, watching him now as he excitedly bounced around your friends like a loose dog as he guided them towards another doorway. You figured he was more full of bottled up excitement over any actual aggressiveness and you continued to silently follow behind them.

You were a bit surprised to be led down to a small finished basement, carefully walking down the carpeted steps and feeling weirdly like you’d been transported back to your own home with how familiar the area looked.

There was a small red light connected to the door with tape and you imagined it was to signal that some sort of recording was going on, a small smile playing up on your face at the irony of the devoted after band having such a simple setup. The smile was immediately slipping off when you were hearing your friends start up rounds of greeting again and you paled with nerves.

“That’s Y/N, she doesn’t talk much.” Riki was quickly saying and you were half grateful he had saved you from awkwardly stuttering out your name and half furious as all sets of eyes turned to look in your direction.

You recognized the lead singer first, looking a lot less intimidating now that he was sitting on the sofa in more comfortable clothes and letting his purple mullet air dry from what you could only assume was a post show shower. You knew his name was Jungwon just from hearing your friends rambles and you filled in the blanks for the rest of the names.

Jay was almost more intimidating off stage than he was on it, losing that playful and excited energy that being in front of a crowd brought and falling into an almost scary silence. If it wasn’t for the gentle way he was picking at an acoustic guitar, a stark difference to the black and shining electric one you’d seen him with on stage.

Your eyes were drifting over to the final person in the room who was busy chatting with Heejin and staring excitedly at her newest tattoos, his hands hovering over her skin but not touching directly like an excited child. Sunoo had told you on the way here that Sunghoon played bass and whilst you weren’t exactly sure what that meant, he seemed the most approachable out of the group.

Minus the member you’d already accidentally approached but he was missing from the current area and you felt a wave of relief rushing through you considering how embarrassed you’d felt seeing him on stage.

You almost fell into autopilot and you listened to the two groups mix and talk casually like they were lifelong friends, an overwhelming feeling of envy sitting in your stomach considering the fact they were so easily able to hold conversation with each other whilst you struggled to even introduce yourself.

Jay had gotten up to put on a record at some point and that made you feel slightly more at ease considering there was no more room for awkward silence, something a lot calmer than what they’d played earlier ringing through the room as they all lounged in different places and started to smoke amongst each other.

Your friends didn’t bother offering any to you considering you had a tendency to say no, not necessarily against smoking or being high but the intimacy of sharing a blunt mixed with the performance anxiety as it was passed around the circle almost on instinct. The other boys must’ve gotten the hint without it needing to be said and they also didn’t try to get you to smoke, leaving you relieved that they weren’t the types to poke fun at you or try to pressure you into it.

It was a lot easier for you to just watch them and get a small contact high, sinking down into your spot on the couch more and relaxing as they started to lose focus and definitely lose the ability to care if you were being awkward.

You were pressed against the side of the sofa even though nobody was sat directly near you, still trying to ensure you were taking up as little space on the furniture as possible in case somebody else wanted to sit or you were simply just in the way. You were grateful you’d developed this habit considering the door to the basement was opening again and you froze up as the light shone in from the top of the stairs.

“Finally, the chosen one has arrived.” Jake was yelling excitedly from somewhere you couldn’t see, laying flat on the carpet behind the round ottoman and you could only barely catch a glimpse of his arms being thrown up in mock praise.

You were staring at the stairs as the boot covered feet started to descend down and you knew who it was before he even reached the point where you could see his upper half, freezing even more at the way his eyes scanned over the unfamiliar faces in the basement before pausing on you.

You awkwardly pulled your sleeves over your hands and glanced back over at Sunoo was sitting in the chair closest to you and the couch, talking to Sunghoon about something you couldn’t quite make it out considering anxiety was fully building up now and you were slightly disoriented from the overstimulation in the room.

Much to your dismay and attempts to stop yourself, your eyes were drifting back over to the boy and you almost groaned when you realized he was still watching you.

Heeseung had, according to Joonie on the way here, been the one to originally start up the band and convince the others to take it as seriously as he did. He was the lead guitarist first and foremost but he dabbled in almost everything, including producing all of their original songs and covers and apparently forfeiting his basement as their studio considering the younger photos of him scattered around the walls.

His baby pink hair was in his face even more now than it had been when you’d saw him smoking outside, littered with random blonde patches that told you he had done it himself, and now you were positive he had multiple piercings throughout his face.

It was only getting worse for you when he was making his way over to the couch and taking the empty middle seat, directly next to you.

You were sat with your feet up on the fabric and hugging your knees close to your chest but you imagined if you’d been sat normally then your thighs would be press against his that had lost the tight ripped jeans and were now sporting some more casual black sweatpants.

“You want this Hee?” Sunghoon was saying from where he was sat on the floor besides Sunoo on the chair.

You glanced over to the boy just in time to see him shake his head in denial and a wave of surprise and relief washed over you, grateful you wouldn’t be the only one not smoking anymore. “You don’t smoke?” Riki was asking and Heeseung seemed to instinctively shake his head no.

Jay snorted out a half laugh half scoff and you watched the pink haired boy shoot him a sharp glare before his eyes were drifting over to you, almost like he was checking your reaction. Your eyebrows were furrowed forward in confusion, wondering why he was lying about smoking, he must’ve forgotten the fact you’d seen him outside with a cigarette only a few hours before.

Everybody fell back into their own individual conversations again and you started to relax finally, listening to the music playing softly in the smoke filled room.

“So did you end up liking it then?” Heeseung’s voice was coming from beside you and you looked over towards him with widened eyes, not expecting him to directly address you.

“W-what?” You were stuttering out and then immediately flushing in embarrassment when a concerned look passed over his intimidating face. He seemed nice enough but your closed mind couldn’t look past the piercings and the eyeliner still staining around his large eyes.

“The show.” He was quickly explaining, looking slightly embarrassed himself that you hadn’t understood what he was talking about. “You didn’t seem too excited when you were outside.”

You froze up in your spot considering he was directly referencing the conversation you’d had outside, in which you had told him begrudgingly and in complaint that you hadn’t been able to get out of going to the show that he was performing at. You didn’t respond for a few seconds and you were grateful that everybody was too stoned to keep up with your awkward conversation.

“It was… you guys were very..” You trailed off when you saw the expectant look on his face and you cleared your throat a bit, eyes darting down to the double piercings going through the thin skin of his lips and then back up to his eyes. “It was cool.”

“Just cool?” His lip was curling softly up into a half smirk at your extremely vague answer, shifting in his place on the couch so he was facing you better and you tried not to be extremely weird about the fact his arm was resting on the back of the sofa now and therefore his hand was dangling on the other side of your shoulders.

“Super cool?” You offered in a squeaky voice, wincing as your shoulders curled in on themselves.

He laughed softly at your answer and you were relieved that he found it somewhat funny and wasn’t totally offended that you didn’t have a string of compliments prepared for him. You did like the show much more than you thought you would and if you were able to get ahold of yourself, you would’ve told him how impressed you were as you watched him play.

But you weren’t that lucky and you knew you’d be stuck giving him half true statements that didn’t actually show how you truly felt about the set, turning your head back to face forward so you didn’t have to look at his face anymore.

You weren’t exactly sure why he had come to talk to you out of everybody in the room, knowing he was obviously a lot closer to his band mates and had even hung out with your male friends a few times from your knowledge in group settings. Joonie had told you that she thought the two of you were a bit similar considering he was also rarely at social events but you highly doubted the comparison considering the way he looked performing in front of an adoring and expectant crowd.

Still, you thought about the way he hung back at the end of the final song instead of interacting with the fans like the other members had and the fact you hadn’t been surprised when he wasn’t present in the basement at first.

“Are you two actually talking to each other or just sitting in weirdo silence?” Your head was picking back up to look over at Heejin who was sitting on the other side of the couch, next to Heeseung but leaning far enough away towards Jake and Jungwon that they didn’t touch at all.

You didn’t need to look at her to know who she was referring to but your stomach dropped a little when you met her gaze and confirmed she was referring to you, the others in the room also looking over considering her statement.

Heejin was in no way mean to you and she was actually your longest friend out of the group, knowing her since middle school which meant she was around to watch your social decline. She made jokes sometimes or pushed you too far out of your comfort zone but you always took it as her way of trying to help you loosen up like she knew you could, always stopping whenever you got visibly too overwhelmed or uncomfortable.

You weren’t sure if it was the presence of people she admired or the buzz of a high settling over her that caused her to make the comment but it clearly crossed a line the two of you had silently established throughout the years, your face dropping at the unwanted attention.

“Heeseung is the master of weirdo silence.” Jake was adding on from the floor again and you could hear him giggling nonsensically, sitting up so you could see his head past the ottoman and frown at him.

“Yeah well I’d rather talk to..” Heeseung was starting harshly before trailing off and glancing over at you with a raised eyebrow. You paused for a few seconds and stared at him in confusion but realizing he was waiting for you to tell him your name, quickly whispering it to him and trying to ignore the small smile he gave you before turning back to look at the others. “I’d rather talk to Y/N than you deadbeats.”

The boys in the room were breaking out into small fits of laughters and instigating choruses of “Oo’s”. Fanning their hands out like they’d been burned and only settling down when Heeseung was rolling his eyes and sinking further into the couch.

Luckily they all seemed to let it go after that even though you were still left with a deeper pit in your stomach because of Heejin’s random dig at both you and Heeseung, roping him in to your anti social behavior and giving his own friends the opportunity to pile on top of it.

You were glancing over at him again from the corner of your eye, hesitantly shifting to try and catch his attention again. His gaze was snapping back to your face when you moved slightly and his eyebrows raised in question again, a lot softer than they had been when he was asking for your name and snapping back at your friends. You watched the way the metal balls surrounding his eyebrow stretched with the movement before licking your dry lips and speaking.

“Thanks.” The word slipped from your lips in a small breath and once again you felt disappointed that it was all you had managed to say, wishing you were able to express your gratitude to him more.

He didn’t seem to mind and his shoulders were lifting in a small shoulder, watching you curiously. “It’s no big deal. I don’t talk much either.”

“Even though you do all… that?” You were asking before you even processed the question falling from your lips and he looked equally surprised as you that you were continuing the conversation without needing prompting.

“Like perform?” His voice was lower now as you started to talk more and you had a feeling he didn’t want the others to listen in and find a way to intervene again. You gave him a soft nod, grateful he had understood your vague wording. “It’s different, I don’t really think of it like that. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m there in front of all those people.”

If you’d heard him say that last week or even this morning, you would’ve not fully understood what exactly he was trying to explain to you. Even now you were still a bit confused on what exactly the feeling was like but you immediately understood what he was referring to, remembering the way he was closing his eyes and leaning with the music like he was in his own world.

You must’ve fallen silent for too long as you were thinking about it and what that could possibly be like, how it would feel to live a life with that sort of overwhelming passion, because he was clearing his throat and shifting again.

“It’s like… well what do you do?” He was starting to try and find an analogy, assuming you didn’t understand and you froze up at the direct question.

“What do I do?” You were repeating back to him for clarification and he nodded earnestly, waiting to hear your answer. “I don’t think I really do anything.”

He seemed taken back by that and you were slightly embarrassed that you’d failed to answer his question properly. You’d thought about it before, being at the age where you should have something you were passionate about or a hobby that motivated you in some way.

You never really did much of anything on your own and you’d yet to find anything that gave you that sort of spark he’d be referring to, the type of spark that would cause you to do what you loved even if it meant pushing yourself past your limits or standing on a stage like you were born for it.

“What are you doing this weekend?” He was suddenly rushing out and your eyes widened in surprise again at the fact his voice had come out much louder now, like he’d forced himself to say it. You didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then you were shaking your head to signal that you weren’t doing anything set in stone. “Come to our next show.”

“To your show?” You were repeating in bewilderment and he was nodding his head quickly as he scanned over your face hesitantly, wondering if you were going to reject him. Eventually you were biting the inside of your cheek after contemplating for a while and glancing at him. “O-okay.. yeah sure.”

——

“Y/N, the phone for you.” Your mothers screaming voice was floating up the stairs and you groaned softly into your pillow, laying on your stomach and overthinking the events of the previous weekend like you had been for days.

It was pretty uneventful after your conversation with Heeseung, both falling into a silence or offering small laughs and quick glances as you listened to your friends talk and get to know each other better. He must’ve been telling the truth about not talking much because nobody looked over at him once expectantly although you noticed his band mates keeping an eye on the two of you occasionally.

Eventually you and your friends had left the basement and the pink haired boy had spared you a quick wave through the window as the taxi pulled off.

You’d listened to your friends excitedly talk the entire way back to your neighbors and pry you for details about what you’d been talking about with him, not noticing the bitter expression on your face when you noticed how surprised they seemed that he’d chosen to speak to you.

Now it was Thursday and you were thinking about it all again, replaying it over and over and finding something new to be embarrassed about each time you did. Heeseung was surprisingly soft spoken and slightly awkward considering his appearance but you knew it held no parallel to how terrible you were at socializing.

“Y/N.” Your mom was screaming again and this time you rolled over as you groaned, letting it fill the room before you were getting off your bed and heading down the stairs.

Your mom was standing there with the phone in her hand, watching you with an excited expression and your face was pulling forward in confusion as your steps hesitantly slowed to a stop. “It’s a boy.” She was whispering and pointing at the phone with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

You were snatching the phone away from her and walking around the corner into the hallways, stretching the chord as far as it could possibly go and waving a dismissive hand at your mom when she was poking her around the corner in curiosity.

“Hello?” You were breathing into the phone and it was a heavy silence for a few seconds before you could hear somebody clearing their throat on the other side.

“Hey Y/N, it’s Heeseung.” He was announcing and you froze up at the sound of his soft voice coming through your speaker, clutching the phone tighter in your hand and shifting it against your ear. “Um.. like the guitar guy.”

You were laughing softly at the fact he felt the need to specify, most likely growing nervous from your extended silence. “I know who you are Heeseung.”

“Cool… yeah cool.” He was breathing back and letting out his own nervous laugh, a small smile building on your face at how awkward he seemed now. You liked how different he was in each setting, confident and sensual on stage and casual and calm when surrounded by his friends in a familiar area. Now you were seeing what he was like on his own, mirroring a personality similar to yours.

“D-did you need something?” You tried to keep your tone light so he didn’t think you were bothered by the fact he had called despite your confusion over how he’d gotten your number or what exactly he wanted.

Your heart was racing slightly as you listened to him inhale over the phone, feeling a bit ridiculous over your own reactions but you couldn’t help but think about his soft pink hair and the piercings your mom would definitely disapprove of. She glared at Heejin’s bare skin every time she came over during the summer so you couldn’t imagine her reaction to seeing Heeseung’s group of friends.

“I was just calling to make sure you were still going to the show and Sunghoon said I should tell you to bring your friends.” He was explaining in a low tone and you could hear shushing in the background, your smile widening at the realization he was around some of his friends. “I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to convince Heejin to give him a tattoo but it would be safer anyways with more people.”

“Alright, yeah we’ll be there.” You were telling him back swiftly and you surprised yourself by how naturally it came out of your mouth, no stutter or hesitation.

“Cool.” You could almost hear the smile in his voice as he said the word again, almost repeating it like he did the first time but seemingly catching himself before he did. “I’ll see you there then?”

“Yeah… yeah you will.”

——

“So he like directly invited you.” Riki was asking for the sixth time that night and you sighed softly when he was bumping his elbow into your arm with a smile on his face, clearly excited about the recent development in your life.

“Is it that surprising?” Your tone was stiff along with your posture, somehow once again finding yourself in a cold line outside of a random concert venue downtown.

“Not at all Y/N.” Sunoo was quickly interjecting once he realized you were taking offense to their over excitement, offering him a small tired smile due to his habit of trying to make you feel better. “We are just happy for you.”

You were about to remind him that there was no reason to be happy or excited and that you and Heeseung had just gotten along, nothing else, but you were interrupted by the staff who was checking tickets approaching your group. You watched as he took a look at Riki’s and then his school ID, promptly marking his hand with a solid black X before he was turning towards you expectantly.

He was looking at your ID with a bored expression but before he was able to hand it back to you and give you a similar marking, he paused and did a double take as he looked at the words. “Y/N? You’re on the list.”

“The list?” Your voice was soft in confusion and buried under the sound of your friends excited squeals and laughters, feeling Joonie’s hands come up to squeeze your shoulders and shake you softly.

You weren’t understanding what was happening until you were being moved forward, hearing Heejin clarify that you all were allowed early entry before she was smiling brightly and practically caring you with the rest of them as you entered the venue ahead of everybody else. You felt a flush come up to your cheeks when you realized that Heeseung had clearly mentioned you to the staff of the building and that’s why you were currently skipping the line and heading towards the back of the venue.

It was a different place than last time, bigger and seemingly more concert specific in comparison to the bar you were at last time.

The staff member was leading you down a hallway until you were stopped in front of a door with chipping paint, a piece of paper stuck to it with tape and the bands name in big sharpie letters. You smiled softly at their names all scribbled around the bold font, knowing they must’ve stuck it outside themselves as a mock dressing room.

You felt a wave of anxiety rush up with the employee was knocking on the door twice before turning to head back outside and control the growing crowd but you didn’t have any time to panic before it was being thrown open.

“You came.” Heeseung’s eyes were wide as he looked down at you in surprise and you were parting your lips to answer him before your friends were impatiently pushing into the room, practically shoving you forward into him.

He helped steady you when you made a small noise of surprise and you were glancing up at him in embarrassment, face undoubtedly red considering he was holding onto your arms even once your feet were flat on the ground. “You look…”

You felt overwhelming self conscious when his gaze was dropping down, scanning over your outfit and body before meeting your eyes again. You’d mistakenly let Heejin and Joonie dress you after they practically spent two hours begging, remembering how awkward you felt being improperly dressed last time.

It felt even worse to be in clothes you weren’t at all used to or comfortable with and you couldn’t tell what Heeseung was thinking just based off his expression.

“It looks really good.” He was breathing out finally and you felt a wave of relief at his statement, and then self judgment for caring what he thought in the first place. “Are you sure you’ll be comfortable though? I have a sweater you can wear.”

You froze up slightly as he continued to speak to you in a calm voice, somehow sensing your anxiety over the outfit despite only speaking to you a few times. You were half flattered that he cared enough to lend you some clothes and half humiliated that he could tell you didn’t normally wear things like this.

He must’ve seen outfits like this on hundreds of girls every time he had a show, knowing half the crowd would be dressed similarly to you but wearing it with a confidence and aura that you severely lacked. You didn’t have an overwhelming presence like Heejin or an alluring personality like Joonie and you’d always felt bland in comparison.

You were awkwardly glancing around the makeshift dressing room and pleased to see your friends and the band engaging in their own excited conversations and not paying you any mind.

Then your gaze was landing on one of the mirrors across the room and you were freezing up when you caught sight of you and Heeseung, still standing closer than you’d thought you were with his hands touching your arms. You almost didn’t recognize yourself for a second and despite how awful the clothes felt against your skin, you couldn’t deny that you looked good standing next to him and his similar aesthetic.

“I’ll be alright.” You were turning back to him to answer his question definitively and you tried to hold eye contact with him for a second, easier considering his hair was falling into his face again.

He was wearing eyeliner like he had been the first time you’d seen him outside the venue but it was a lot bolder and messier this time, making his eyes even bigger than they already were but completely changing his energy and appearance in comparison to the version of him you’d seen in his basement.

“Are you nervous?” You weren’t sure why that was the next thing you said to him but his eyes lit up when you whispered the question, staring up at him with wide eyes and saying it so softly he almost didn’t catch it underneath the loud crowd in the distance and your friends behind him.

“I’m excited.” He was responding back and you knew he meant it, no sign of apprehension or hesitation on his face.

You’d never seen somebody look as intense as Heeseung did when he talked about performing, his entire demeanor changing from the awkward boy who you’d been speaking to, almost seeming unsure of himself after every sentence. He didn’t even seem to think at all when he spoke about music or being on stage and you watched him curiously as he rambled on about how it felt to be up there.

You figured he probably knew you wouldn’t ever be able to understand what he was talking about unless you did it yourself but you still felt giddy that he wanted to explain it to you.

He talked about it until another team member was poking his head in to let the boys know that soundcheck was about to start and then the doors would open, also being you and your friends queue to go and get spots in the front row.

“I’ll see you out there then?” He was smiling down at you and giving a gentle squeeze to your arm that he was still holding, your own breaking out on your face despite trying to withhold and you gave him a small nod of approval before he was disappearing out the door after the others.

Your friends were obviously excited for having caught the end of your interaction and although you rolled your eyes as they begun to tease you, you couldn’t rid yourself of the bright grin you were catching between your lips and you started to head back out into the hallway and towards where the crowd would be standing.

You felt okay for now but you were starting to get more and more anxious at the realization that soon the mass of people would surge inside towards you and you’d be stuck in your place against the barricade, white knuckling it as you contemplated heading to the back of the venue and watching from there instead so you wouldn’t embarrass yourself by having a panic attack right in front of the band.

“You know..” Heejin was leaning in against your side to whisper into your ear and you felt her hand squeezing your side affectionately. “Jake said that Heeseung’s never invited anybody to a show before.”

She was pulling away just in time to see your eyes widen in surprise, followed by your face flushing a bright red at the knowing look she was giving you. “Not even his family?”

You knew that the bands music wouldn’t necessarily be everybody’s personal taste, especially those of an older generation, but you couldn’t help but feel slightly confused that he wouldn’t ever ask anybody to come watch him perform. He was clearly proud of what he had created and more passionate than anyone you’d met before.

“It’s just him and his dad I guess.” She was shrugging softly and glancing up at the stage as she spoke. “Apparently he’s a huge hard ass about him doing music.”

Your face was falling into a small frown at what she was saying but you didn’t have a chance to respond before the lights were shutting off and immediately being replaced by the same red ones the other venue had put on for their set, hearing the sounds of the doors opening and feet swiftly approaching the stage.

Anxiety was immediately building up as you were getting more and more constricted in the crowd but you felt slightly better knowing your friends were around you, feeling Riki not so subtly shift his position so he was stood behind you and you weren’t going to be subject to any stranger pressing into your body.

You were going to turn and give him a grateful smile but you were cut off by the sounds of the crowd screaming louder than you’d ever heard, confused on what was causing it before you realized the boys were already coming out onto the stage.

They were only silhouettes at first without the spotlights turned on but you could tell it was Sunghoon who had ended up directly in front of you, glancing across the stage to see Heeseung on the other side beside Jungwon again like he had been the other weekend.

Then the lights were coming on, soft enough to keep the red glow but illuminating each member and their instruments. You smiled widely and couldn’t help the scream that leapt from your throat, joining in with your friends and the rest of the crowd as excitement started to fill you. You’d never been in a setting like this before and you were quickly understanding why it was so addicting.

You were already watching Heeseung from the moment he stepped on stage so you definitely didn’t miss the way his eyes were scanning the front section of the crowd, only settling once they passed by you before quickly backtracking as a smile curled up on his lips.

Jungwon was starting to speak into the mic and introduce them like you’d heard him do last week but you were preoccupied, watching the pink haired boy and giving him a small nod of acknowledgment with a soft smile.

Then the show was starting and you quickly realized that what you had seen last time was nothing in comparison to actually being in the crowd, an energy taking over you that you didn’t even know you possessed. You were dancing along with Heejin and gripping Sunoo’s arm in excitement as he screamed and sang along, all the while keeping your eyes on Heeseung.

He was almost like a completely different person on stage, more than just his energy considering the fact even his gaze was new to you. He was a lot more intimidating when he was staring down at you with hooded eyes, the eyeliner more smudge now and thankfully distracting you from the skillful way his fingers moved along the guitar strings.

It was hard not to think about him to the level you’d been trying to deny when he was looking at you for almost the entirety of the show, seemingly checking on you when the crowd got particularly wild and at other times almost looking smug because of how transfixed you seemed. His lip would curl into a cocky smirk that you didn’t even think he could manage and you’d feel your heart thump alive in a way it never had before.

You spent the next few months following this exact routine with him.

Every week, in the middle of it or sometimes as early as the day after a show, he’d call your house and your mom would yell your name up the stairs. He’d softly invite you to the next show and you’d excitedly tell him that you’d be there, despite knowing he already knew the answer and you knowing he just liked to hear you say it.

Sometimes you’d take your friends with you but eventually you got comfortable enough to go by yourself, you’d be let in early with a small smile to the bouncers and you’d always ask him the same question before he got on stage.

“Are you nervous?” You’d say for the dozenth time even though you knew by now that he wasn’t but every single time his eyes would light up with that fire and passion that you’d been so sucked in by and he’d always repeat the same words back in the same tone.

“I’m excited.”

Heeseung liked it best when you came to his shows so you did it every weekend you were free, even when you’d get too overwhelmed and have to sit in the dressing room or behind the stage if it was available, he just liked knowing you were there to see him and he expressed it to you every single time.

You got closer over that time outside of watching him play too, taking longer to get over that awkwardness you both carried outside of the venues when the adrenaline died down but eventually you’d stopped hanging out solely within your respective groups and started to spend some time alone together.

He’d pick you up in his shitty run down car and your mom would glare at him from the living room window, watching his hair go from pink to blue then to a red that had taken you back a few steps with its brightness when you’d first seen it.

“That’s.. a strong choice.” You’d said after you buckled your seatbelt and you were reaching forward to run your hand through it before you even had a second to think about it.

“My dad hates the color red.” Was all he had responded with and you watched the side of his face as he smiled softly and put the car into drive.

Heeseung wasn’t the most stable person to be around at times but you eventually realized that you’d never felt as comfortable taking up space as you did when you were with him, an addicting feeling that you almost had no choice but to lean forward into and you were thankful that he was always around to catch you.

You’d sit in the basement with the boys as they practiced new songs and Jake had even attempted to teach you to play some songs on the guitar, going to him for help because it felt less intimidating than asking one of the actual guitar players.

It was somehow easy to mesh into their routines and hobbies despite how different you were than them and your most fun high school memories all featured your old friends and new ones hanging out together, all packed into booths at late night diners after a particularly good show or getting makeshift tattoos from Heejin in the familiar basement that you’d spent most of the year in by the time graduation rolled around.

Heeseung was a year older than you and already graduated before you’d met him but he’d made sure to attend and watch you and your friends walk, minus Riki who still had a year left.

You’d all rushed out of the ceremony hall and squished in his car so you could drive across town and watch the rest of his friends at their own school, cheering for them all in your different colored graduation gowns and ignoring the embarrassed look on Jungwon’s face when he gave his class president speech at the beginning.

There were a lot of highs but it all came with lows too and those took you longer to adjust to.

You weren’t exactly sure how to handle it when Heeseung would show up at your house late at night, sometimes bleeding from various places on his face or panting like he’d run all the way there. You’d quickly pull him inside and ignore your moms questioning shout asking who was at the door.

Eventually you had sat her down after dinner and told her that sometimes Heeseung had issues with his dad and he didn’t have anywhere else to go, which was a slight lie on your part but you knew it felt true to him considering he never considered any other options before heading in your direction even if it was across town and a lot less welcoming than one of his friends houses.

She never was a big fan of him, of any of your friends but especially him, despite the gentle way he always said hello to her upon entry and his countless attempts to get on her good side. You’d tried to explain to him that it wasn’t anything personal or anything he was doing wrong and it was just how your mother was but he seemed particularly upset about it despite normally not caring what people thought of him.

“It’s your mom, it’s different.” He was stressing his words to emphasize that it was because she was related to you that it mattered to him and you were furrowing your eyebrows and turning to look at him.

You were sat on your bed together, two months before it happened, and sharing a pair of headphones that was playing a scratchy demo of a song he’d been working on. You were popping the tape out of the device so it would stop abruptly as you sat up a little bit to be able to see his face better.

“Why do you say stuff like that?” You were asking him and he sighed softly like he always did when you begun to pry for answers regarding his behavior towards you.

Despite the way you felt around him and the fact you’d practically become inseparable in the summer following graduation, you’d never directly talked about what your relationship was or even crossed a line that would definitely give you an unspoken answer. Outside of some longing glances and hands resting a little too low on your back, you’d remained pretty platonic other than your own inner thoughts and emotions.

“Don’t know.” He was mumbling softly as he looked at you and you squinted your eyes at him in disbelief but eventually you sighed and shifted back so you were resting against your headboard again, shoulder pressed into his tightly.

When it finally happened, you pretty much assumed that your life was going to abruptly end.

The boys had been growing in popularity now that they were out of school and able to do music full time, still underaged but building enough connections with the local music scene and venues to be able to play more frequently and to older and grittier crowds.

Mixed with the rise of the internet and MTV music videos filled with long haired rockstars and half naked women, it didn’t take long for their talents to get noticed by a few different people who swore they were from the next big company and could guarantee to make Echoes of Riot each millionaires respectfully, offers that were all swiftly turned down by Heeseung (with the advice of Sunoo who had begun to fill a management like role within the group).

You’d never paid much mind to what stardom would mean for the boys despite believing to the deepest part of your heart that they deserved it and were more talented than most the people you heard over the radio. For some reason, some childish idiotic reason, you figured they’d spend the rest of your lives being teenagers playing in bars around your small hometown.

Then one night after a particularly long show, all the boys panting and sweaty as they headed back to their dressing rooms, a man had approached them similarly to the way others did almost nightly.

You knew right away that something was different this time and your friends did too, watching silently as the group stopped in their steps towards the back rooms and actually begun to pay attention to what the man was saying. Heeseung’s eyes were flickering up to yours and you raised your eyebrows at him from where you sat at the bar, shifting out of your seat when he beckoned you closer with a quick flick of his fingers.

The rest of your friends followed you and all of you made your way back to the rooms with the band and the man.

He didn’t seem at all bothered by the additional people in the room as he started to repeat his pitch behind closed doors and your heart started to clench nervously when you realized why he seemed so different.

Min Yoongi actually cared about the music quality and spreading a proper message through your work and performances, opening his monologue with descriptions of how he felt hearing and watching the videos Riki had been posting online of the group and you watched as his eyes twinkled with a passion you’d only ever seen before from the boy sitting next to you.

His hand was resting on your arm and draping over your shoulder on the couch but he couldn’t have been further away from you in that moment, holding onto every word Yoongi was saying and leaning forward occasionally to enthusiastically agree with something he was saying.

It was a jarring change after seeing him barely give the other music people a second of his time for the last few months but you understood that they had this connection you simply weren’t capable of understanding, a mutual trust built through having the same dream and passion and by the end of the first meeting, even without anything even halfway confirmed, you knew things were going to change from then on out.

Yoongi didn’t have a lot of money to invest into the boys but he was dedicated to promoting them and helping them with levels of production you’d only get with decades of experience, upping their discography to even higher levels and it wasn’t long before he was proving himself right.

“Tour?” Your voice was breaking around the word Heeseung had just said, continuing his sentence afterwards but you hadn’t heard a thing he’d said after that, your ears ringing as your face paled. “You’re leaving?”

He was faltering at the unexpected upset in your voice and you would’ve felt guilty for not matching his level of enthusiasm but you couldn’t help the wave of panic overwhelming you as you continued to try and process what he was saying.

“Hey, hey Y/N listen to me.” His voice was soft and you could feel his hand reaching forward to touch and cup your cheek, softly swiping his thumb over your smooth hot skin and shifting on the bed so he was closer to you. “It would only be for a few months, then I’d be coming back. We’d all be coming back.”

You’d somehow not processed the fact that going on tour meant the other boys would be also leaving with him and another wave of sickness swept over you at the realization you’d be losing most of your friends in one swoop, the most constant and positive thing in your entire life since you’d met them.

“I don’t want to leave, baby you know I’d never just leave.” He was quickly continuing when he realized he’d made it worse and your eyes shot up to him at the use of the pet name falling from his lips so casually despite never hearing it directed towards you before. He didn’t even seem to notice that he had said it and he was continuing on despite the surprise on your face. “But… I mean this is it.”

His words were vague but you knew exactly what they meant.

This was the end of the road for the life you’d been so happily living because despite how content and happy you were watching them play small and intimate shows, Heeseung had this hunger for more that would never be satisfied in a place like your hometown.

He didn’t mean to break your heart of course and you were definitely at fault for stupidly falling in love with a rockstar, falling victim to the oldest cliche in the book as you sat at the bus station and cried into Joonie’s shoulder. You watched as their tour bus got further and further out of sight before it was turning a corner and disappearing with all of them on it.

Things were the roughest they’d ever been for the first few months the boys were gone.

Your typical routine had been shattered and you were back to existing like a corpse, moving around from one task to the next with no real excitement or purpose. You’d never necessarily gained one but being around somebody as passionate and driven as Heeseung was like getting a secondhand high and you’d been riding the wave of his interest for the last year, now alone out at sea and stuck scrubbing the counters of a coffee shop in the small downtown area of your city.

You tried to write for the first month or two but eventually it got too hard for you to handle and you started to let Heeseung’s letters pile up. He’d still call your home phone but your mom stopped letting you know when he did and sometimes you’d hear her softly telling him that you weren’t feeling good and she’d have you call back later. She never brought it up and neither did you.

He’d call Heejin and Riki too and sometimes you’d hear his voice when you were talking to Sunoo on the phone. He’d went with them on tour after Yoongi had asked him to be their official team manager, giving him more time to handle the business side of things while Sunoo dealt with their personal schedules and issues. You’d listen to your friend lie and say he was talking to his sister and you’d thank him softly as he sighed and asked why you couldn’t just talk to your shared friend.

You didn’t know how to explain that Heeseung was something you needed to get clean from and hearing from him in small doses would make it ten times harder for you to function.

It was too much to say that his letters kept you awake all night crying as you read about how much he missed you followed by random sketches and song lyrics he was writing about you. They wouldn’t understand why you dropped a full plate of food the first time you heard them on the radio at work or why you stayed up all night to see their first actual interview on TV.

Eventually people stopped mentioning the band to you or at least spoke like the main guitarist and face of the group didn’t exist. It was easy enough to avoid for the first six months and then the articles started to roll out.

The boys hadn’t come home after their first tour and they were “temporarily” staying out in New York where there was more of a network and better opportunities. Part of you was grateful Heeseung hadn’t moved back to town, knowing you’d run into him eventually but you couldn’t stop thinking about him regardless considering the news being put out with his name on the headlines.

“That’s his third fight this week Sunoo.” You were spitting over the phone, balancing it between your shoulder and ear as you aggressively scrubbed at a dish that’d already been clean for the past few minutes. “Aren’t you supposed to be keeping them in check?”

“You don’t think I’m trying Y/N?” His voice was exhausted and desperate and you felt bad immediately for snapping at him, knowing your real anger didn’t result from him. “I have no idea what to do, I’ve never seen him like this.”

All the boys had been subject to some controversy as they continued to gain quick fame and admirers but like always, your brain was laser focused on Heeseung. He was getting into drunken fights routinely and being reported with multiple women who may or may not be fans who like to kiss and tell, photos of him and the other boys looking worse and worse each passing weekend as their rockstar lifestyle truly blossomed into an absolute disaster.

Eventually you started to find yourself ignoring the news again, becoming accustomed to it and already knowing what it was going to be every time Riki sighed entering your job and slid a magazine in your direction.

Three years passed like this and while you had stopped crying every night from how much you missed Heeseung and your other friends, if you could even consider them that considering the lack of communication over the years, you still felt that empty feeling in your skin as you robotically went about your routines and lifeless activities that didn’t hold any real purpose or grand result.

At the end of the third year, stretching into a point where you’d been away from Heeseung longer than you were ever with him, Heejin had told you that the band was back in town.

She’d called you and hesitantly let you know that she had run into Jay at the local grocery store a few hours ago, citing that she hadn’t thought much about it until she was back at her tattoo shop and thinking about you possibly running into one of the boys for as long as they stuck around this time. You’d thanked her for the heads up and then buried your head into your arms in upset, both at how little distance was between you and Heeseung and also regarding the fact Sunoo hadn’t even bothered to tell you they were around.

Half of you expected it, knowing you weren’t teenagers anymore standing in a cold concert line and he didn’t owe you any update on his whereabouts, clearly not telling Heejin either considering her shock upon seeing a familiar face.

Joonie however seemed to know all about it when you hesitatingly mentioned it over lunch with her and Riki after he’d asked you why you seemed so on edge. “Well it’s been on their tour show list for like four months.”

“And you didn’t think to tell anyone?” Riki was voicing your thoughts before you could and his face was curled up in annoyance and betrayal as he shoved a fry into his mouth, clearly just as caught off guard as you and hurt considering he’d also gotten close to the members before they’d left and he was friends with Sunoo for as long as you.

“You always tell me not to talk about them in front of Y/N.” She was whining out and you glanced at the younger boy who looked slightly sheepish as she said something he clearly meant to keep private.

She wasn’t necessarily wrong and you’d grown to realize being around her was going to be hard considering how big of a fan she remained of the band even after their decline into scandal, simultaneously acting like any other fan girl and somehow also constantly bragging to others about how she knew them personally before they’d blown up. Maybe she had mentioned their return at some point but it’d been years since you started to tune her out.

“So they’re not staying?” You were finally speaking again, your voice weak and curious and she gave you a knowing look before nodding and patting your hand.

You weren’t sure why you felt overwhelmingly disappointed that they’d eventually leave again despite the fact you planned to spend the entire time they were here avoiding them and hiding out in your apartment. It was probably for the same reason she was giving you a pity filled look and Riki was picking at the skin around his nails.

It only took a few days for Joonie to push the limit on how much of her interest in the band you could take, answering her late night call to hear her hysterical as she screamed over the sound of passing cars and told you she’d completely stalled on the highway and was going to miss the show.

You told yourself that you began immediately putting on your shoes and grabbing your keys because you were a good friend and you kept repeating it in your head the entire drive to her location, swearing over and over that it had nothing to do with putting yourself closer to Heeseung. Even after her and her two friends had gotten in your car with his face on their tshirts, you swallowed your tongue and promised your heart it wasn’t for any other reason.

It wasn’t because you wanted to see the thousands of fans outside the arena, the show being on the nicer side of town and twenty minutes away from the venues they used to hold small performances for.

They thanked you continuously as you parked and then Joonie was pulling you aside to guilty whisper that you’d need to get your parking validate to be able to leave and return to pick them back up. A wave of nausea rolled over you but you were still convincing yourself you didn’t care so you swallowed your sickness and gave her a tight smile before following them outside the car.

“The booths over there.” She was telling you once you’d gotten inside and she had a wide smile on her face that matched her friends, clutching her ticket and practically beaming with excitement. “So we’ll see you at 11:30?”

“Mhm.” You didn’t trust your voice enough to speak and not give away how you were feeling so you hummed out a response to her question you barely processed before watching them squeal and walk towards the actual check in and entrance.

You rubbed your fingers together anxiously before glancing to your right and sighing seeing the line of people waiting to get their parking validated, teenage girls who looked like they barely could drive mixed in with dads and boyfriends who looked just as exhausted and irritated as you were starting to feel.

For a second you considered just leaving the girls there and asking Heejin or Riki to pick them up afterwards so you could drink yourself delirious and forget you’d ever been this close to the band but your heart clenched thinking about them having to experience the same thing and you told yourself again that you were trying to be a good friend.

You’d been standing in the line for twenty minutes, holding onto your last strand of patience and curiously listening to the fans around you talking about the boys with so much awe and wonderment.

You couldn’t help but smile at some things, hearing them gush about Jungwon’s cheeks or rave about how sexy Sunghoon’s newest guitar was and you felt a bit stupid for the pride filling your chest. You’d been avoiding them and their music, never listening to anything they’d put out in recent years but you felt happy for them knowing they were still igniting that same excitement in people even if they seemed to have lost the passion themselves.

It was almost exactly twenty one minutes later when you were feeling something tap against your shoulder, whipping your head to the side to see who had bumped into you before freezing up completely.

He had a mask on and a hat almost covering his eyes but you knew immediately who it was, eyes widening as you looked at him and then glanced around your surroundings to see if anybody had recognized him too.

“The fans don’t pay much attention to anyone without an instrument.” Sunoo was saying and you could hear him smiling even if you couldn’t see most of his face, breathing out a sigh of relief and pulling him in for a hug before you had a second to think about it.

He accepted it immediately and you were grateful that he wasn’t being distant with you despite the fact that was all you’d shown each other in recent years, melting into your hold as your eyes pricked with tears considering how much taller and thinner he was now. Sometimes when you thought of the boys, they were frozen in time and still teenagers in your head and you felt a bit dizzy as the illusion broke right in front of you.

“How’d you know I was here?” You were whispering out into his chest and then pulling back to stare up at him in amazement, scanning over his covered face.

“Sunghoon saw the hundreds of messages Joonie had sent… she actually had the guts to ask him to pick her up after her car stalled.” He was explaining and you felt embarrassed for your friend even though Sunoo was laughing like it was something funny. You got annoyed with her behavior but she was still your friend and you almost felt offended for her knowing they’d all been laughing at her attempts to reach out, no matter how baseless her connection with them seemed on their side. “We figured that you would’ve been the one to answer her calls.”

“We?” You were asking the second the word fell from his lips and a flash of regret passed over his face. “Do they all know I’m here?”

“Except for him.” He was explaining and you felt his hand squeezing your arm to try and calm you down, a flash of familiarity running through you at the feeling despite slowly recognizing the boy in front of you less and less. “But I imagine one of them is going to slip up sooner or later.”

You were nodding in understanding but your heart started to thump with anxiety and you were grateful that the arena was so full, hoping Heeseung wasn’t dumb enough to run out into a waiting room of fans to try and see you.

“I have to go.” You were practically forcing the words out and your face was pulling into a grimace as you said them, feeling short of breath and dizzy as your past and present finally started to collide despite your years of effort. “Can you…”

You were gesturing towards the parking validation ticket in your hand and he glanced down at it before looking back at your panicked eyes and nodding softly, squeezing your arm one more time before he was taking it and giving you the go ahead to get out of the arena before your chest exploded.

You didn’t know exactly what to say to him, you weren’t sure if this was a see you later or another long term goodbye and he seemed to be thinking the same thing, nodding again when you smiled sadly at him and took a few steps backwards.

Nearly losing your footing as you turned around, you were dizzyingly making your way out of the arenas main center and pushing back out into the chilled air. Your lungs tried to suck in deep breaths and you hurriedly made your way back to the parking garage but you were failing miserably and you eventually gave up all together, pausing in your quick strides and resting again the building with your eyes shut tight.

It wasn’t at all quiet, fans still gathered outside before the show and traffic beeps and honks as people tried to get in and out of the busy area, but your head felt empty and shut down.

The sound of footsteps approaching you crept into your dizzy brain and you took a deep breath before looking up, somehow already knowing who it was going to be without so much as a glance. He was stopping a few feet away from you when you looked up and your legs felt weaker as you stared at him in silence.

He was wearing a mask and a hat like Sunoo and whilst you’d been disappointed earlier about not being able to see your old friends face, now you were extremely grateful for the coverage. It didn’t help much considering you could still see the most recognizable part of him, his big eyes blinking at you in shock.

“You don’t look that surprised.” Heeseung’s voice was shockingly similar to how it was last time you’d heard it in person, the tone only slightly deeper and the only major change being the lifelessness behind his words as he watched you stand up straight.

He was right, for some reason you weren’t at all shocked to see him in front of you but he was in the same spot as you considering he came to find you in the first place. “Should I be? You’re here aren’t you?”

You heard him scoff softly before he was turning his head to look around the area, handful of fans still wandering around but slowly starting to disperse as they made their way insides to find their seats and buy the merch. He was glancing back at you quickly and then he was reaching up to take his mask off.

He didn’t say anything for a while after he took it off and you just stared at him, scanning over his face and the difference that time had handed to him. His features were a lot sharper now, growing into his nose and ears perfectly and you once again were hit with the reality that you’d been apart for a long time and the boy you knew was long gone.

“Sunoo validated your ticket.” He was starting to speak suddenly, awkwardness seeping into his tone due to your prolonged silent stare and you watched him dig into his pocket to retrieve the crumbled up piece of paper the parking machine had given you. “He got busy so I just brought it out.”

“He got busy?” You questioned and took a step forward away from the building, taking it from him swiftly and wincing when your finger brushed against his. “You’re the one in the band.”

He didn’t say anything to that, clearly lying about why he had been the one to bring the ticket out but making no move to correct himself or attempt to be honest with you. You didn’t really mind considering you were in a similar boat, having no real reason to rest again the building like you had other than buying yourself more time in the area.

“You’re not staying?” He was asking and his voice broke slightly which caused a large frown to form on your face, not sure why he had to even ask considering you both knew you weren’t going to watch his show.

“I’ll be back after to..” You awkwardly trailed off and lifted your hand that was clutching the parking ticket, indicating the reason you were there and watching him carefully. “Are you nervous?”

He tensed up as the familiar words fell from your lips and you felt like the air stopped moving for a second before he answered. He’d heard it asked thousands of times since it last was in your voice in that specific tone but it never bothered him before after the first year.

It was asked genuinely by other people, actually wondering if he was feeling nervous or at times doubting his abilities and using it as a way to get under his skin. Nobody ever made the simple question feel as important as you did and he understood why now that he was older and had plenty of time to think about it. You asked him, not because you thought he was or you figured he wouldn’t be able to handle the stage and the pressure, but because you knew it ignited a fire in him.

You’d ask him just to hear him repeat back in a firm voice how excited he was, to see that passion flare up in his eyes and give him an opportunity to voice some solid self confidence before he got up there to perform.

You knew right away that the phrase brought him back as far in time as it did you but your stomach turned at the blank look on his face, nothing arising to the surface at the triggered memory and instead he almost looked like he was deflating as you stood there.

“I’m just… tired.” He was eventually muttering back and clearing his throat before anxiously scratching at the back of his neck, both of you knowing the weight of his unusual answer and preparing to cripple under it once you were out of the suffocating hold his gaze had on you.

The both of you stood there for a few seconds longer before you could hear the screaming getting louder from inside, his head turning towards the building before looking back at you with a defeated expression. You knew without him saying it that he needed to go and that same feeling you had with Sunoo started to creep up again, not knowing what type of goodbye this was.

“There’s a second show tomorrow.” He was rushing out and then chewing on his lip ring as he avoided your questioning gaze. “You’ll be on the list.”

He glanced at you one more time but he seemed to understand that you weren’t going to give him a definite response, nodding his head in conclusion before he was turning around and jogging back towards the side entrance of the arena.

All the air returned to your lungs once he was finally out of sight and then immediately left again once you broke into a heavy sob, stumbling back a bit before quickly gathering your emotions and trying your best to hold yourself together.

You were quickly wiping your tears and glancing around to make sure nobody had been a witness to your abrupt meltdown, reminding yourself why you were there in the first place and heading back to your car like your world hadn’t just been taken off pause.

——

It had only taken you two seconds after the invitation fell from Heeseung’s lips to decide that you were going to go to the show.

He had said it like it was a question but the look in his eye told you that he didn’t think you’d come, but he still had invited you and that stupid part of you felt like that had to mean something. You’d had Riki pick the girls up from the concert that night and you ignored Joonie’s calls and the countless uploads she’d had from the concert.

You didn’t need to see the boys performing like nothing had happened, like your entire life hadn’t been flipped outside down with just a few sentences from the boy you’d tried your hardest to forget about the past few years.

It was a bit hypocritical considering you were currently back at the same exact place you were running from yesterday, this time walking in the opposite direction of the parking validation booth and awkwardly approaching the ticketing line. You felt like an idiot telling the staff that you were on the list, seeing their annoyed expressions and knowing they must hear it a dozen times a night from fan girls trying to get backstage.

“Nice try but there’s only ever been one name on the list and trust me, that seats never been taken.” The man was talking to you in a bored tone and your heart clenched at the implication of what he was saying.

You wondered if it was something Heeseung had done at the beginning of the tour in case you decided to come to one of the shows but he knew you well enough to know you never would and you certainly would never stride in the place without a ticket expecting to be on the list.

Eventually you figured that he had put you on there with the hopes that one day he’d have the guts to invite you and your heart shattered a bit more thinking about the fact that he never did, never even attempting as far as you were concerned and aware of. You cleared your throat awkwardly and rummaged in your bag to pull out your ID and hand it to the man silently.

His eyes flickered down to it for a second before looking back up at your face and you saw a wave of shock come over him, immediately followed by embarrassment for doubting you in the first place.

You gave him an awkward half smile and then an appreciative nod when he was stepping aside and allowing you to enter the main performance area. You were pausing at the top of the entrance way, eyes scanning over the large arena and feeling a bit sick considering how many seats were there and how few of them were empty.

You were starting to regret showing up and preparing to turn around and head back out before the show started but you were snapped out of your panic when your phone was ringing in your pocket. You were snatching it out in hopes that it was one of your friends trying to calm you down but your eyebrows furrowed when you saw it was an unknown number.

Finger hovering over the decline button, you had half the mind to consider the fact it might be Heeseung and you were answering it and putting it to your ear before you had a second to think about it.

“You actually came.” You immediately tensed up when the voice was filtering through the speaker, different and raspier but you knew who it was from the first word.

“How do you know I’m here?” You were dumbly asking and glancing around you like he was going to be standing in the shadows somewhere, frowning slightly when he laughed into the phone.

“He told them to alert him immediately if you ever showed up.” Jake was saying as an explanation and halfway confirming your suspicions about how long you’d been kept on the list despite never coming or reaching out to them. “And you’re finally here.”

“I’m not staying.” You were saying quickly and a rough edge seeped into your voice, something you hadn’t had last time he knew you but he also hadn’t been so cocky and demeaning last time you spoke to him so you were equal in that sense.

He was sighing softly and you paused at the sound, not expecting him to sound so defeated. You’d spoken to Jake more than the others over the years, only a few times but he had come home once or twice to visit family and it was hard to avoid him considering he actively was seeking you and the others out each time.

You weren’t really sure why he kept coming around and eventually you realized that he didn’t seem to know why either, looking more and more lost and less like himself every time you saw him. Jake was always so carefree and happy to be around that time you’d all spent together, genuinely seeming like he felt lucky for all of you and the music they were making together.

This new version of him was the most jarring to you out of everybody else because he had gotten sad and then he had gotten very very cold, almost angry every time you saw him and always feeling like he was on the edge of snapping.

You imagine that helped him out on the stage and you finally felt like he fit the rough drummer image that had been given to him by fans and media despite never making that connection yourself when you had known him. So to hear him sigh softly hearing that you were planning on leaving before they even performed, you were stopping in your tracks and finding yourself willing to hear him out.

“He doesn’t know you’re here yet and he’s driving himself so insane that he’s sick in the bathroom.” He was saying in a lower tone and you imagined that staff and other members were around him considering how soon the show was going to start. “No one can get him to come out but I have a feeling on who might.”

Tears were filling your eyes as he spoke about Heeseung’s condition but you were shaking your head in denial despite the fact he couldn’t see you, wiping your face with your sleeve before whispering back to him in a shaky tone. “I can’t do this Jake.”

“Please Y/N.” He was quickly retorting back and he sounded so similar to how he used to that you felt floored. His tone was genuine and filled with concern for his friend and you’d almost forgotten what he sounded like when he cared about something. “All these years you haven’t answered him, please don’t leave yet. Atleast get him on stage and then you can go and I’ll make sure he can’t find you for the rest of the time we’re here.”

Your breath was catching at the last half of his rushed statement and you were covering your mouth for a second with a shaky hand. It took you a few breaths to think of what to say and he stayed silent on the other line throughout it.

“Promise me.” You were mumbling out and clutching the device so hard you were worried it would crack, hearing nothing on the other side for a bit as your stomach bubbled with thick anxiety. “Promise me you’ll keep him away from me after this.”

It went silent again and you were almost positive that he had hung up the phone before he was speaking again in a defeated tone. “I promise.”

——

If you had gone back to the week before and told yourself that you’d be standing in a room with all of your old friends, you would’ve probably hid under the counter at work and begged future you to leave you alone.

You were trying your best to not showcase the fact that you were absolutely freaking out and filling with more and more devastation every time one of them spoke in their lifeless and annoyed tones, bickering behind you about the purpose of your presence and debating wether it was a good idea or not to allow you to be the one to try and gather Heeseung.

“He invited her for a reason Hoon.” Sunoo was sighing in your defense but he didn’t seem optimistic about it either, barely sparing you a glance since you walked through the door and anxiously checking his walkie talkie every few minutes to try and update the staff.

“Because he saw her yesterday and it fucked him up, he’s not in his right mind.” Jay was snapping before Sunghoon could answer for himself and you flinched at his loud tone, taking a step back when he was standing off the couch and throwing an arm in your general direction to emphasize that it was your fault.

You were frowning deeply at the accusation, not understanding how it could possibly be your fault that Heeseung was having a melt down especially when they didn’t seem that rare for him, his general anxiety and mental health another constant topic in the tabloids.

They continued to argue and you did your best to tune them out while simultaneously trying to ignore the fact Jungwon was silently staring at you from the corner and Jake was only a few feet away from you with his arms crossed. He hadn’t said much to come to your defense but he was continuously shooting you glances like he was trying to monitor your reactions.

You might as well have been in a room full of amped up strangers, possibly high as they paced and jittered about and a part of you felt like you were grieving now that you knew there would be no way to pretend things were still the same, no more pretending time was frozen and nothing had changed.

“Have any of you been able to calm him down this entire time?” You were suddenly asking from near the wall and it was the first time you’d spoken since you’d gotten in there.

The reaction was immediate and varying from each boy, half of them tensing up and looking more frustrated at the sound of your familiar voice and the others almost instantaneously losing the tension in their shoulders with softened eyes. It was like they hadn’t fully processed you being there until you spoke, talking around you in hypotheticals like you imagined they’d been doing over the years.

You wondered if you were a topic they were supposed to avoid mentioning like Heeseung had become for you. Then you selfishly wondered if they’d missed you at all.

Nobody answered for a while and then Jungwon was shaking his head softly, holding your gaze with a sympathetic look that caused you to nod in understanding. “Isn’t it worth a try then?”

“We have 15 minutes.” Sunghoon was saying in that same cold tone he’d been using but it held some level of defeat this time, slumping back into the couch and saying no form of the objection he had voiced so quickly earlier.

You were being directed to a hallway suddenly by Sunoo and before you could say anything or ask why he was ushering you out, he was hastily pointing to a door and scurrying off back towards the dressing room. You didn’t necessarily need him to explain, hearing the soft sobs and gags coming from behind the door now, but you wished he had given you a bit more time to collect yourself or think of something to say.

You took a deep breath and decided to not stall and try to gather some of the might you had the other night, pushing through the door and pausing once you were on the other side of it.

“If I have to tell you to fuck off one more time I’m going to get everybody in this shitty arena fired.”

Heeseung’s voice was coming from one of the stalls and your entire body locked up at the sound of it, never hearing him quite so angry before but also never hearing him sound so empty and wrecked. He was clearly holding back his sobs now that somebody was in there but you could see one of his leather boots poking into the stall next to his, laying on the floor and most likely clutching the toilet.

You were approaching the plastic door without saying anything and tugging on it softly once you were close to it, your fingers curling around the top of it and pulling it towards you with a small shake.

Heeseung’s words about the arena being shitty weren’t necessarily incorrect considering the lock on the door was immediately budging and it was flying open towards you, revealing you standing behind it to his swollen eyes and allowing you to see his frame curled up on the floor in a sickened despair.

He looked beyond surprised to see you and you were almost worried he was going to throw up again just from the shock of your arrival, his body locking up and then immediately tensing even more when you were taking a reluctant step inside the stall with him. You may have been practically strangers with a heavy history now but you still knew Heeseung better than you knew yourself most days and you felt that same comfort and familiarity as you always did.

So you were sinking to the dirty floor across from him and sighing softly, letting your head lean against the wall of the stall and glancing at him hesitantly.

“You came.” He was finally breathing out and his voice sounded tight because of your close proximity, not necessarily touching but the closest you’d been in almost half a decade. He was struggling to sit up but he eventually managed and stretched his legs out in your direction, both of you sitting in the same position across from each other.

“You invited me.” You whispered back to him with a small sad smile that was slipping away as fast as it came. “I was on the list.”

He didn’t laugh but you could tell he appreciated your attempts to lighten the situation, eyes softening slightly at the way your shoulders raised into a small casual shrug.

“What’s happening Heeseung?” You were asking him but you both knew what it was already and you felt just as sick as he looked as you said his name, almost feeling like a swear word as it fell from your lips naturally. “Why are we here right now?”

“You…” He was pausing as his voice shook and you watched him closely, not missing the way he was avoiding looking in your direction and instead staring down at the shaky hands that were picking at his fingers in his lap. “You stopped answering the letters, you wouldn’t talk to me anymore.”

Your shoulders deflated as he spoke in a hurt voice, clearly being bothered by your lack of communication and not at all understanding why you had done it in the first place. You admit that it was a bit childish on your side to completely cut him off without a final conversation but you knew Heeseung would never just let you go like you needed.

“It was only supposed to be a few months Hee, you said you’d come home and you never did.” You tried to keep your tone less accusatory than his but you were also extremely hurt by what he had done.

You’d spend the entirety of your time with Heeseung making him your source of happiness and that was your first mistake because he was always bound to leave. He was always set after something much bigger than your town could ever offer but you guess a stupid part of you thought that you would be enough for him to stay.

You didn’t want him to give up his dreams, it was the entire reason you fell for him in the first place but you just wished time could stay frozen in that summer.

It’d been years and you still could feel him sitting next to you, never smoking with the others because you didn’t even though you knew he did it when you weren’t around. He was always supporting you like that and even though neither of you ever said it out loud, you knew he loved you too. It wasn’t his fault that he loved music more and you could never compare to the feeling it gave him but you tried your hardest.

Sometimes you thought it was working, when he’d come over after practice and you’d lay together in your backyard with its overgrown grass. You’d feel it tickling against your bare skin when you laughed at a stupid joke he made and rolled in the other direction clutching your stomach.

Other times you were once again hit with the reminder that he was only temporary, you’d see him zone out listening over and over to tracks he’d been producing or his eyes would go wide with amazement any time you went to a show that wasn’t his.

And you were completely right about him being temporary up until now, watching him sit across from you with that broken expression on his face that made you sick every time you locked eyes with him. You weren’t sure what exactly started his decline, you felt guilt for playing a large part in it but you didn’t think it would be much difference if you had stuck around his life anyways.

Maybe you would’ve begged him to come home when he started going to star filled parties, too many drugs to avoid and too much pressure to fit in to not indulge. Maybe you would’ve called Yoongi and demanded for a hiatus, giving you some time to come see him or bring him back home for a week or two to calm him and his system down.

Maybe you wouldn’t have ended up on the dirty floor of a public bathroom where he was vomiting his guts out just a few minutes ago. You could’ve been back in your long grass or pressed next to him on his dads old couch, still just as young and just as silently inlove with the boy with pretty pink hair and eyes so wide and amazed you couldn’t help but drink them in.

“I would’ve stayed.” He was finally forcing out the words necessary to snap you from your thoughts, the words you’d been considering for the past few years. “If you told me to stay I would have in a second.”

“And then what?” You were retorting quickly but your tone was weak and sad instead of bitter and iced over, shaking your head softly and giving him another sad smile and humorless laugh as you considered the option. “We grow old together with you secretly hating me for ruining your dreams, I live with the guilt of making you do that.”

“I could never hate you. Nothing could ever make me hate you, trust me I’ve tried.” His tone was the opposite of yours, aggressive and nasty as he spat out the words like they burned but you knew his anger wasn’t directed at you necessarily.

You let the two of you fall into an unfamiliar silence, giving him time to collect himself before he accidentally said something he’d eventually end up regretting even more than he already was.

He didn’t say anything either and he seemed to understand what you were doing, sighing out a shuttered breath before he was scooting forward across the floor until his knees were knocking against yours. You glanced up at him and your face fell at the exhausted look on his face, leaning forward similarly until you could wrap your hands around his and squeeze them tightly with your thumbs rubbing over his calloused skin.

Heeseung was sucking in a breath at the feeling of you touching him and then he was breaking into small hiccuped sobs that left you feeling heavy and lost on what you could do to help him.

You were letting yourself sink back into the past when you were moving forward even more so you could pull him closer towards you, his upper half practically in your lap now as you cradled his head and softly pet his damp hair that was dyed black now and messily falling into his eyes.

Your own eyes were falling shut and you were resting yourself on top of him, half hugging each other and half just giving up and letting the weight of his body and yours combine into a mess of limbs and heavy sobs. It was making you feel both better and worse, feeling him so close again but not knowing if it was the last time and also holding the knowledge that you’d missed such a large portion of time with him like this.

It wasn’t possible to get back everything you’d missed, it wasn’t possible to rewind and start over and you weren’t sure there was any way to prevent this amount of hurt anyways.

You could’ve asked him to stay with you all those years ago but then you’d never see that light within him again and you know it would always be on the back of his mind, his fingers and heart always aching for more than what you could give him and you’d stay up countless nights regretting making him give that up for you.

Maybe if you had answered his letters, picked up his relentless calls and heard him out when he didn’t come home. He could’ve had a good reason or maybe just hearing him finally say he loved you would be enough for you to handle the impossible distance.

So many what ifs that you’d never get the answer to because you weren’t there and you’d never get back there again no matter how much your heart still held onto the past and your love together.

Instead you were here and this was where the road with him had led you, cradling each other as the crowd cheered for him outside and it fell on your deaf ears. You knew he wasn’t going to let you go and you weren’t going to make him, you weren’t going to make him choose again and you didn’t know if that would be enough this time but you listened to him cry and prayed it would be.

Heeseung sung out a choir of sobs and gasps into your chest and you knew you would stay with him for as long as he needed you too, until his cries died down or your legs went numb.

Until the cheers fell into silence and the fans went home for the night disappointed, at least holding the knowledge that the music would still be there tomorrow.

You still weren’t positive that he was really here with you and he still felt as fleeting and temporary as he did when you first had met him, wide eyed and stuttered conversations. It was only a small flicker of hope and comfort that your love for him was the most permanent thing you’d ever experienced.

And that small flicker was more than enough for you.

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weirdwyvern · 5 months ago

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Ryoko Kui cooked in many regards, but ESPECIALLY when she filled the cast of Dungeon Meshi with characters who went through deeply isolating experiences during their formative years & then made possibly The Most Important visual component of the work be "people eating a meal together" (age-old symbol of togetherness)

like just from what I know as an outsider who hasn't properly read through the manga yet, there's:

Laios – ostracized for autistic characteristics + fixation on monsters.

Falin – ostracized/persecuted for "seeing ghosts," to the point that she was sent away to magic school. Additionally, while at school, she didn't really make friends besides Marcille.

Marcille – isolated from peers due to the unusual/inconsistent aging process of half-elves. It's noted that her only close companion throughout her childhood was her dad, who died of old age fairly early on.

Kabru – survivor of a major disaster, adopted & raised by elves. Although his adoptive mom treated him well, general elven treatment of humans seems to be very dismissive, condescending, & othering.

Rin – also raised by elves (i think?), also traumatized at a young age.

Dia – raised in a cult. Self-explanatory, that one.

Kiki & Kaka – adopted & raised by gnomes. Like with Kabru, their adoptive parents (grandparents?) treated them well, but that didn't stop the othering they faced from their peers (if not entirely intentional) for being tallmen; it got to the point that Kaka is now sensitive about having long legs.

Though it didn't happen during his formative years, Chilchuck's divorce definitely counts as a majorly isolating event. I forget the details of Senshi's timeline, but the wipeout of his original party + how he lived alone in the dungeon for years are also worth mentioning, too.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #kayla burbling

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raayllum · 2 months ago

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Today in "structural parallels and pacing" and on the heels of finishing up my S4 rewatch, I've been thinking about the parallels between 1x08 with 4x05 and 4x06

To begin, there's the dual conversations bit, contrasting Callum and Rayla's issues with Ezran and Soren/Ellis filling in to provide support and a listening ear.

These conversations provide a space to breathe and character work, highlighting different aims. In 1x08, it's for Callum and Rayla's respective insecurities and both fearing failure; Callum fears being useless without magic, Rayla fears being worthless upon being unable to not make the 'right choice'. In 4x05, it's a little tighter, as Soren accentuates why Callum is so upset ("It hurt him bad, real bad. He was miserable") and his uncertainty to Rayla, while Ezran gives Callum a space to open up in about more than his negative feelings, which were the focus so far ("When she came back, I was so happy [...] I wish I could just forgive her").

These conversations work in tandem to scaffold the episodes' key aims, re: the trio having to work together. In 1x08, the initial plan is messed up, and Callum, Rayla, and Ezran worry that they'll mess up again. Then, they get a second chance, and the plan to defeat the slug monster goes off without a hitch.

It also works as a "see how far we've come" moment within the season, highlighting their individual growth in their abilities and confidence: Ez and his bravery after being afraid; Rayla with trust in her skills and ability to finish the job and to know when/how to do so; Callum with his magic). Callum's is particularly important as it's also set up for affirming what he's sacrificing in 1x09 in smashing the primal stone.

4x05 and 4x06 together follow similar beats.

There's just more failures along the way. While Ezran ensured that Rayla would come along on their world-saving mission despite her worries, and Soren fully accepts her back, she and Callum are struggling to reconnect. His understandable unwillingness to come back together ("I'll stay here with Ez, Soren, you go with Rayla") in any meaningful way (thus far) causes her to continue to self-isolate and not do things together as a coping mechanism, culminating in leaving Soren on his own ("You mean Soren's there all alone?" / "I left him alone, I shouldn't have—"). On top of losing Soren, they also lose Zym (when only Callum and Ezran contribute to said plan, I might add, with the successful trio plan later including her bc Working Together themes), chipping away the extra parties in their group until it's just the three of them.

This makes sense on some level. In 1x08, Callum and Rayla were struggling with their identities as individuals; now they're struggling with their identities in relation to each other, hence Ezran's reminder "Don't you remember who you are?" before encouraging them to work together to solve the team's current dilemma. Whereas 1x08 had the trio work together to show off their growing bond and new skills, here we see the same old skills (though the group does rely on Callum's shiny new staff, which like with the primal stone makes us feel something over him being willing to relinquish it later, although admittedly less) and focus on reaffirmation of bond.

This is also why Ezran contributes both less and more to 4x06's plan than in 1x08. In S1, Ezran relies on holding up Bait and letting him flash (being support, as Callum says).

In 4x06 meanwhile, Ezran uses more of the skills he's gained and nurtured from being king—being a mediator, making calls and plans (as how to utilize his and Rayla'a assets together are his idea)—even if he's still functionally using the same skills, the same way that Callum is still using Sky magic and Rayla is still using her training as an assassin. Rather than just Callum thinking of the idea, Ezran and Callum do so together in 4x06, as Callum thinks up the fog.

Ezran and Rayla working more directly together, and Callum and Rayla more indirectly, also reflects where the group dynamic sits. In 1x08, everyone's skills collaborated altogether in the order of (Ellis) Ezran, Callum, and Rayla. In 4x06, we get a mirrored inversion of Callum, Rayla, and ending rather than beginning with Ezran. He hugs both his friends, but they don't hug each other—they're not quite there yet—but the group dynamic is less fragmented and on the road to repair, and we'll see Callum and Rayla think up how to use each other's skills Together (5x02, 5x04, 6x05) later on as well.

Because Bait's still got what he had before (1x08)—and so do they.

Some side tangents:

1) 1x08 and 4x06 also have similarities with 5x07 in terms of "Kids try multiple solutions to overcome encroaching / escalating problem with the skills they have on hand". However, where 1x08 and 4x06 start with a lack of confidence, 5x07 has Callum exude confidence that he can overcome Finnegrin to likewise set up a contrast with how Finnegrin will break him down in 5x08, so the prior two end more positively on their little "let's work together plot beat" whereas 5x07 crashes and burns for him.

2) I also appreciate that after the trio saves Zym in 4x06, he turns around and saves them in 4x07 on the bridge through the darkness. It shows that he's grown more independent and less helpless than he understandably was when he was a baby, as well as keeping things feeling balanced. If we were constantly watching the trio rescue/save Zym and he wasn't providing anything back (i.e. no taking off the binding or bailing them out on occasion) it'd probably start to feel like he's just there to be a plot device and cause problems (the way little kid characters often do) rather than a character who contributes.

#tdp #the dragon prince #1x08 #4x05 #4x06 #parallels #some things never change #ezran's growth is chef's kiss #tdp ezran #rayllum #analysis series #analysis #s1 #s4 #brotp: we're in this together #ezran

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chrattenthusiast · 1 year ago

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Hate - Matthew sturniolo pt2

Authors note: the last part was inspired by all i wanted - paramore !!!!

Warnings- choking, spitting and ofc sex😆

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

The past week had been an agonizing descent into emotional chaos. Each day felt like a struggle to maintain composure as the memory of Matthew, the man you had vowed to hate, occupied every inch of my mind. Simple tasks became a challenge, as your thoughts were constantly hijacked by his presence, even in his absence. Desperate for a distraction, you convinced yourself that avoiding Matthew would be the solution, attempting to dodge him at every turn.

However, your well-intentioned strategy crumbled when Nick and Chris, refused to let you retreat into solitude. Dragged you against your will, they insisted on taking you to a random party, determined to shake you out of your self-imposed isolation. , you found yourself amidst a sea of strangers, the pounding music and swirling lights serving as a temporary escape from the last weekend how he knew every inch of your body, the way he pounded into you and how he always knew how to make you feel good.

Hey, are you listening?" The interruption jolted you back to the present, you replied with a forced, "Yeah, I am," masking the lie behind a half-hearted smile. My attention, however, was fixated on the man in front of me, who seemed oblivious to the fact that his words about his brand new car were falling on deaf ears. As he rambled on, his enthusiasm only fueled your growing irritation. The beer bottle in your hand became a tempting, makeshift weapon.

Glancing around the room, filled with sweaty bodies and the pungent scent of marijuana, you caught sight of Matthew. His gaze, like an invisible thread, connected with yours. His face contorted with a mixture of annoyance and anger as he witnessed the man boldly wrapping his arm around your waist. you couldn't help but smile, realizing that you were successfully getting under Matthew's skin. Testing your luck, you seized the opportunity to escalate the situation further, grabbing the man (whose name you had already forgotten) and planting a kiss on him. To your surprise, he didn't seem to mind; instead, his grip on your waist tightened.

Just as the tension reached its peak, the atmosphere shifted abruptly. The man was forcefully shoved away from you as you turned to see Matthew, his eyes shooting daggers at the now bewildered intruder.

"Bro, what the fuck is your problem" the man exclaimed in confusion as Matt stepped forward menacingly.

"Don’t ever touch her again, unless you enjoy the comfort of a hospital bed." Matt warned with an intensity that sent a shiver down the man's spine.

Stammering, he offered a shaky apology, “I didn’t know she was spoken for”

What a fucking pussy, you thought

Interrupted mid-thought, you found yourself yanked away from the growing crowd that had formed around. Matt's grip on your arm was firm, and as he pulled you away, the chaotic scene behind faded into the background.

“Where are we going Matt” — your left unanswered as he pulls you towards the direction his car.

“Get in” he says bluntly

“No, I’m good” you say

You find yourself pushed against a car, sandwiched between the cold metal and the warmth of Matthew's body pressing against yours. His proximity was unnerving, yet strangely electrifying. "Get in the car, Y/N, or I swear to God, I will spank you so hard you won’t be able to sit for days. You choose," he declared, his voice low and authoritative and of course you couldn't help but smirk at the unexpected threat.

"How chivalrous," you whispered, teasingly testing the boundaries. His response was immediate and filled with a kind of possessiveness you hadn't anticipated. "Only for you, sweetheart, although you seem to not get that. How many times do I need to fuck the shit out of you he began, his frustration evident, "before you understand that I do. not. want to see you with other men?"

“It sounds like you’re upset, aww matthew “ you say mockingly

“Did he really upset you?, Did you not like the way he was touching m-“ you’re instantly cut off when matt wraps his fingers around your neck slightly adding pressure

“Get in the backseat. Now” he whispers against your lips

Weird. Matt never acted impulsively. You instantly obey as his eyes showed a little desperation and you liked that. of course

You quickly slide into the back seat, with Matt following closely behind. Without delay, he seizes the back of your head, pulling you into a passionate kiss that feels both necessary and possessive. You have no complaints.

Tugging at your top in a demanding manner, you raise your hands, but instead, Matt forcefully tears your top in half, planting intense kisses all over your chest. Gripping your ankle, he pulls you into a reclined position.

Lifting your skirt without bothering to remove it, he slides down your panties and tucks them into his back pocket.

his fingers move through your slit back and forth inciting a moan from you, finding your clit he circles it. matt leans backward wanting a full view. wanting this moment engraved in his mind every time he thought of you. you move to palm him through his pants when he pins your hands on the seat. “ just be a good girl for me and sit back”

He inserts two fingers, his cool rings teasing your clit, creating a pleasurable friction. Your hips instinctively sync with his motions,

He tightens his grip around your neck. As he quickens the pace of his finger thrusts, you release another gasp of pleasure.

You try to hold in your sounds, trying to move away from his fingers he adds pressure to his grip around your neck. “where you tryna to go baby?, where’s that good girl that could take it all hmm”

“you were so confident a minute ago, yet you can’t handle my fingers,” he mocks

he decides to add a third finger, curling his fingers hitting that sweet spot he knew you loved.

“matt please “ you’re able to plead in the midst of your moans

“Isn't this what you wanted? I didn't give you enough attention, so you tried getting with someone who couldn’t even get you this wet” he says

you look down at how you were taking his fingers causing you to grow wetter, causing a small wet spot to the leathered seat

"Do you enjoy watching yourself?" he asks, and you respond with a soft whimper.

you’re about to hit that level of release, based on the lack of words being said by you. matt immediately pulls his fingers out earning a protest from you, which he ignores looking at you smugly he takes his fingers covered with your essence putting it to his mouth sucking off your juices he leans down connecting his lips with yours making you taste yourself.

“you taste that?, that’s all me. not him“ he reminds you

“if you wanna cum you’re gonna have to earn it, now take my pants off “ he says voice dripping with dominance

your shaky hands move to his belt unbuckling it. he takes a hold of the belt wrapping it around your wrist. you look at him confused sure it wasn’t unusual for matt to pull a stunt like this —but in public. with his brothers a street away from the both of you. gave you a rush of excitement

he takes of his boxers lining up with your entrance. he decides to tease you further. moving up your folds and without warning slams into you giving you harsh thrusts. giving you no leeway to adjust

you let out the loudest moan which he doesn’t stops. he likes this. he was always a fan of hearing how good HE made you feel

“that’s it, let it all out for me baby” he encouraged

“fuck you” you reply, Disliking how much influence he had on you, a feeling clearly rooted in the fear of experiencing heartbreak.

He clenches your jaw, making you open your mouth, then spits into it. "Swallow," he commands, and you comply, staring at him with lowered eyelashes.

“i know you can’t get enough of me, you’ll always come back to me. no matter how much you try to run away. you always come back. and i’ll make you see that “he replies to your insult.

Thrusting into your hips, he targets that familiar sweet spot, causing your eyes to roll back. His hand travels toward your throat, fully enclosing it. He maintains a firm grip, allowing just enough air for you to breathe, and you moan under the pressure. However, you find yourself struggling to breathe a little.

“ look at me” he says, and you oblige

“there is no one who could ever make you feel like this. i won’t share you with anyone else.”

"Yes, Matt," you cry out, tears welling in your eyes. He gently wipes them away as you continue to gaze at him, your hands clutching the ones he has wrapped around your neck.

“ you wanna breathe?“ he says adding more pressure but making sure he wasn’t inflicting harm onto you

“please ” you beg

“come on this dick if you wanna breathe baby” he says

His fingers rubbed against your clit, bringing you closer to your release, not slowing down his movements, the only intention in his mind was to make you cum. He lifted your legs and placed them on his shoulders, wanting to feel you deeper

Leading to a loss of focus as additional tears flowed down your face.

You're under his influence, absorbing all he provides, making sure to maintain eye contact—aware of his fondness for it, yet fearing he might stop if you looked away. Yet, you found appeal in the peculiar way he gazed at you.

Closing in on your face, he eliminates any personal space between you, driven solely by the desire to prevent your escape from him. Your eyes lock onto the silver metal wrapped around his neck, lightly brushing your face —making your walls squeeze around him tighter.

“ you got this baby, just a little longer for me yeah ”he encourages

his words giving you some sort of confidence you move your hips to meet his rythym aching for that release you were denied earlier. the car slowly moving with the bucking of your hips. and filled with the grunts matt made.

he leans down his lips meet yours, matt abandons your clit, one hand still wrapped around your neck his fingers graze your lower stomach pushing slightly feeling where he was buried deep. a silent laugh escapes his lips “ you feel that don’t you sweetheart do you see how well you’re taking every inch” he mocks clearly still mad over the recent events that took place earlier

“i just did that to make you mad, i don’t want him matt “ you choke out using your limited oxygen to pled your case

“say it then, tell me that you want me and no one else “ he replies

“ i want you and no one else matt” you pled. truth laced with every word that left your mouth

“come for me “ and you do instantly releasing all over his shaft clutching onto his tatted arm. he immediately release his hand that was wrapped around your neck and you take big breath. filling your lungs with oxygen.

he gripped onto your hips, pulling you impossibly close as he comes inside you. subconsciously mimicking your habit in seeking comfort from you as well.

“are you okay.” he asks staring at your neck that had imprints of his fingers. slight guilt washing over him fearful that he might’ve pushed you passed your boundaries.

“i’m okay matt” you scratch his scalp gently to reassure him that you were okay.

A hush envelops both of you, uncertainty filling the air. Neither of you knows what to say next. After months of mutual disdain, you both finally confessed to liking each other.

After minutes of mutual silence, with your eyes lowered and bodies still connected, Matt, buried in your embrace, finally summons the courage to speak. "Did you mean what you said?" he asks.

His words quicken your heart, and as you attempt to lift from under him, he holds you firmly in place.

"Please don't walk away from me.", he manages to say, still catching his breath,

You gaze at him, releasing your grip on his tousled hair, Unable to think coherently.

"You're joking, right? I mean, we hate each other, Matt," you say, aware that your words are a lie. Beneath all the arguing and name-calling, you love him. Yet, you're foolish enough to let fear cloud your judgment.

"please don’t lie to me “ he says

"I'll be straightforward since you're stubborn. You don't want to see me with other people, and neither do I," he says, his voice resonating with honesty.

"So, cut the bullshit and let me be the man you deserve. If you don't want that, I understand. Just please have the balls to tell me, and I'll leave you alone," he says, loosening his grip on your waist.

Testing the waters, you move, and he doesn't stop you. The unspoken tension hangs in the air, awaiting the resolution that could redefine their dynamic.

Allowing him to withdraw, you grimace slightly at the sensitivity. As Matt moves away, defeated, you stare back at him, your heart still pounding from his confession. Despite the tumultuous nature of your relationship, you halt yourself from self-destruction, reluctant to spoil another delicate aspect of your connection with Matt—though delicate might not be the perfect term to describe it.

Gently cradling Matt's face like a fragile porcelain mask, your hands trembling with fear of causing harm. In a tender moment, you press a soft kiss to his lips. That simple gesture speaks volumes, conveying your unspoken desire for him. In that shared intimacy, Matt understands, and what you wanted becomes clear – him.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

@mangosrar @mattsd0ll @christinarowie332 @loveesiren @cabincorematt

#sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo smut #sturniolo triplets #sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo

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dailyadventureprompts · 7 months ago

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Villain: Cult of the Earth in Arms

Camped out in remote mines and fortified wilderness compounds, these zealots toil and train and stockpile for a war that may never come, dreaming of the day they will march to glorious victory over their hated foe.. whoever that happens to be week to week.

The cult has many names and supposed patrons: deposed human kings, exiled gnomish geniuses, scornful aspects of dwarven gods. All of these are mere proxies for the cult’s true master Kurtulmak, a bitter god of warfare and mining who takes the form of a kobold who’s ire manifests as poison that dribbles from both his jaw and tailbarbs.

Like many gods of wicked war, Kutulmak cares nothing for whatever cause his unwitting cultists call him to, feeding instead off of their resentment, suppressed fear, and ever mounting bloodlust. It doesn’t matter whether they are a paranoid militia prepping for a conflict they will never see, or bitter partisans waging guerrilla war against a populace long since seeking peace, they all feed Kurtulmak’s desire for intractable conflict and indelible resentments.

The cult of the Earth in Arms tends to operate in isolation, pertaining to self sufficiency while raiding, extorting, or fleecing others for what they need. They entrench themselves in an area, filling it with traps and hidden fortifications, while sinking tunnels deep into the earth in search of resources that can help to fill their arsenals. Iron for blades and armour is obviously prized, but copper and tin for cannons and saltpetre for blasting powder are likewise prime targets. Often they will use captives to work these claims and the foundries they feed, as the cultists often consider drugework below the dignity of born warriors such as themselves.

Adventure Hooks

An uptick in disappearances puts the party on the trail of a slaving operation, funneling bodies into a band of backwoods cultists working a hidden gem mine. After they’ve cleared the bastards out, the party might have the opportunity to make the operation legitimate if they put in the elbow grease and promise the authorities their due.

The local lord thought he was very clever, operating a hidden foundry out of the old dwarven ruins to produce weapons and artillery in preparation for a campaign against his liege. As it turns out the reason the ruins were abandoned in the first place was because they sat on top of a magical layline, and all the smelting and quenching has attracted the attention of several rogue elementals. Now there’s a scattering of earth-hulks marauding through the countryside and a team of mephits who’re flitting about with a cannon in tow.

After suffering a crushing defeat, the general of the imperial army fell back into the mountains, her forces becoming little more than bandits in ensuing years until her scouts came back with news of drakes nesting in the region. Nearly a generation of arduous training and rearing since her defeat, she’s returned to retake the lands she lost with a flight of lesser dragons at her back.. Lands the party just happens to occupy.

Artsource

#villain cult #cultists #mine #dungeon mine #enterprise #commerce #villain bandit #villain noble #elemental #villain military #kurtulmak #kobold

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softshuji · 2 years ago

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Rindou knows.

He knows you don't mean anything by it when you tell Ran "he looks handsome today" in a pinstripe purple suit, hair gelled and accented by a fresh haircut and a lick of new dye. He does look good, you'd be blind not to know it.

And he's not the type of boyfriend who believes he should control your thoughts, he doesn't want to be. Ran has made an effort and he likes that, that you're able to feel comfortable enough to not hide your thoughts, in a way that would break his heart if you did. It means nothing but a comment made as a gracious host to the love of your life's brother who you love and cherish as a friend.

But he hates that it grates him when you tell Ran this fact, and ran smiles, easy and carefree, cocking his head to the side and says "thank you doll, you look very pretty too." And it's innocent, he knows this.

But he'd be lying if he said it didn't set something off in his chest against his will, an ache, a desperation that borders on insanity. And he's not sure how to deal with it in any way that doesn't mean snapping at you, especially when you've been so attentive and have paid him praise for more than half the evening. He wishes that these bouts of avid jealousy weren't something he circled back to every now and again whenever you praised someone that wasn't him.

And it frustrates him that he can't seem to control how he stiffens when you put a hand on his arm and squeeze his bicep lovingly, a stiffness that has your kind smile faltering, a frown creasing your eyebrows.

You've laughed at a few of Ran's jokes, amicable smiles that he, in actuality enjoys. He likes that you get along, that he can spend less time pulling you apart like cats and dogs and more time experiencing the love he gets to bathe in between you. Except the drop in his stomach is palpable when you touch Ran's arm to ask if he'd like his glass of wine topped up and Ran has all but smiled and tilted his head in your direction, conversation closed with Kakucho who turns to Sanzu again as he fiddles with the speakers.

'You okay Rin baby?' you say coming up behind him, a hand on his shoulder and squeezing lovingly at his bicep and forearm, relishing in how toned it feels under the suit, and all yours to touch at as you please. He's been quiet, and he knows that you know it, that you've not missed how he's lingered near the fringe of the group, isolated as if it isn't his party to begin with, wine glass abandoned on the kitchen countertop.

He resists shrugging you off and he loathes that he considers it at all, especially when you're soft as you look at him, the glaze of your slightly wine-drunk eyes filled with the glowing reflection of him and adoring. 'Yeah, fine.' Clipped, and you narrow your eyes suspiciously, before leaning to peck at the corner of his mouth where the taste of sour grapes melts onto his lips.

He hates it, when he sees a faint flash of hurt and concern in your eyes when he refuses to kiss you back, all self-loathing and pain disguised as nonchalance that has him turning from you to Sanzu who only looks up from above his cigarette.

It continues like that for a little while as the partygoers leave and you arrange their neat housewarming gifts on the ottoman stool for the two of you to unpack later. You say goodbye to Ran who quirks an eyebrow in Rindou's direction in question and you're quick to soothe his worries and shut the door to face your boyfriend's back as he drifts to the bedroom alone.

You're not sure where to start when you see him pulling off his own tie, his back to you as he stands in front of the mirror, all sullen silences and thick tension that you pretend doesn't ache as you hover near the edge of the bed.

'Rindou?'

'Yeah?' He doesn't raise his head as he pulls the cuffs of his sleeves, pressed white shirt that slips and slides over the toned ridge of his back, honeyed skin that shines just shy of gold when the lamplight swirls along the black ink.

'You've been quiet, is everything okay?' You approach, as the mouse approaches the lion, trepidation that has your voice wavering on the edge of every word.

'Why wouldn't it be?'

'You seemed off Rin, you can tell me y'know, I know I wasn't imagining it.' You put a hesitant hand on his shoulder and the muscle stiffens under your touch, instinctual, as he turns to you with the anger and hurt flaring in his eyes.

His voice is small when he says, 'Did you mean it? When you said you thought Ran looked- when he-'

'Rindou-'

'-if you prefer him over me- I get it but- I just thought you'd be the one who-'

'Rindou.' You shake your head and your hand comes around to rest on the apex of his chest, a subtle and soft tug that has your arms resting on his shoulders from behind, slightly dwarfed by the swell of his back as you press your mouth to his skin.

'Rindou, my Rin,' you say, your lips skimming over the whirl of ink on his shoulder blades. 'Is that what this is about?' You move to stand in front of him, the glow of the lights on the vanity mirror now silhouetting you against the wall.

He fiddles with the hem of his shirt, open now, to reveal the glow of his chest, jet black ink that disappears beneath his waistband, head hung to avoid the spike of concern in your eyes. 'Maybe.'

He wishes it wasn't the case, that it still bothered him this many years later, and he knows you better in his heart, than to assume you're that type, that the years of your consistent affection have somehow meant nothing when you've made every effort. He knows, he loves you, you love him, and by tomorrow this will have passed. He knows this.

'Oh Rin,' you say and soften further, palms that come up to cradle his face, a gentleness that never fails to have his cheeks breaking out in a crimson tint. 'It's not like that at all baby.'

'I know I know but-'

But it had felt like it for the thinnest second. It had felt white hot and burning, the green seed of envy that he knows has no place here, where the softness of your palms come to cup at his cheeks, as if you would break him, as if it is you who is all sharp edges and glass.

'-but you're mine, you're meant to be mine. You're my thing, the one that's only mine.'

You blink and the naked vulnerability has a tinge of crimson spilling across your neck. You press your lips to his, soft and supple, wine sour and flecked with the red of having been bitten down and hums, first in surprise, before slotting his lips along yours, all affection and urgency and need and worry and grief rolled along his tongue.

You break, a fraction of a second, the saliva breaking in the air, a thin silvery line on your chin and he thinks you look beautiful like that, your hair mussed from his wandering hands, lips softened by wine, the taste of home on your skin.

'I'm your thing Rindou, and yours only. I love you, really love you. You're my thing too,' you say, your breath curling along his cheek, the outline of you wreathed in gold, angelic halo that flashes in his eyes, tipsy and smiling sleepily, all the love that still feels new this many years later. And he knows, how much unlearning he's had to do to get here, all anxiety that he's willingly placed aside for you, all the wrongs he's fixed of himself, determination that has him stealing your breath when he cages you against the bed again, his thigh between your legs, all love that has him knowing you instinctually.

He loves you and it pains him. You love him, and it soothes him.

reblogs appreciated!

#tokyo revengers #tokyo rev #rindou haitani #haitani rindou #rindou x reader #tokyorev x reader

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thatbloodymuggle · 1 year ago

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READY TO RUN (v)

FIVE - ACCELERANDO

SUMMARY: in a world where everyone has a predetermined match, JJ Maybank and Y/N Montgomery want nothing to do with theirs. it has to be a cruel joke; the universe forcing two people to love each other when they don’t know how.

PAIRING: jj maybank x reader / soulmate au

WORD COUNT: 8k

SERIES MASTERLIST

WARNINGS: smut, language, dom!jj, sub!reader, hair pulling, oral (f receiving), p in v, unprotected sex, choking, slight humiliation kink, public sex

✰✰✰

A week had passed since the annual tennis tournament. 7 days since you had last spoken to Anna. 7 days since you had last seen JJ Maybank.

Each day passed by even more slowly than the next. You only left the Montgomery estate to go to Madame Mercier's house. You only left your room for meals. You hadn't even used the grand piano in the ballroom for your daily practices and had instead confined yourself to the small, upright Yamaha in your bedroom.

But you weren’t depressed. Rather, you found that confining yourself to such a routine eliminated any possible distraction. If you didn't hang out with your friends, you wouldn't be sucked into parties. And if you didn't frequent the streets of Kildare County, there was no chance you would run into your soulmate.

You knew Kate and Topper were concerned about your well-being. It was evident from their daily texts, and phone call attempts. You responded to them but made clear that you needed space alone. Anna had not divulged the reason behind your argument, which you were grateful for. You felt particularly bad for being so distant with Topper, as he had been there for you at one of your lowest points the previous week.

To top it all off, your mother had been even more scrutinizing than usual after you had showed up to the estate escorted by Topper, puffy-eyed and soaking wet from head to toe. It now seemed that every dinner was filled with some kind of thinly veiled insult.

Is that a new shirt? You know cool tones wash you out.

Are you sure you need another brownie? You're not getting the exercise you used to since you quit sports.

Worst of all had been dress shopping with your mother and sisters with Midsummers rapidly approaching. Margaret found something wrong with every dress you tried: too short, too long, too much cleavage, unflattering on your figure. Meanwhile, Georgia and Dixie had no trouble finding the dress of their dreams.

But you would take the cruel remarks from your mother any day over confronting your greatest problem of all.

You thought that by physically distancing yourself from JJ, maybe the bond would grow weaker. Maybe you could revert to before you met when your soulmate's pain was merely an afterthought. But to your dismay, the effect had been the opposite.

With each passing day, the bond seemed to grow stronger. It had become so sensitive, that you could feel the flick of a lighter against your thumb; the tickling of uncut grass between your toes. You worried about what would happen if you continued to resist it. How much stronger could the bond grow? Would the longing in your chest become so painful, you won't be able to function?

It was a battle between your head and your heart. You thought JJ was an impolite, abrasive asshole whom you shared absolutely no common ground with. But your body burned with desire at the mere thought of him.

Since you had entered your self-imposed isolation, you found yourself practicing the Chopin piece until your fingers were numb, and your back ached from sitting up straight. When you were unable to sleep, you played. When Georgia's incessant shrieks sounded through your walls, you played. When you found yourself entertaining the possibility of giving in to the inevitable connection, you played.

The silver lining? You had the entire piece nearly memorized.

You were in the middle of yet another torturous practice session when you were interrupted by a sharp knock on your door.

"Mom says we're leaving for dinner with the Camerons in an hour so you better be ready," Dixie's grating voice was threaded with annoyance, as you figured your mother must have sent her.

"'K," your shoulders slumped as you reluctantly pulled yourself from your piano.

You did not want to have dinner with the Camerons. You knew the whole thing was an excuse for the adults to get wine drunk together, brag about their children, and complain about their first-world problems. Sarah Cameron used to be your savior at these get-togethers. But you couldn't remember the last time she had come to one of these dinners, as Sarah seemed to always be busy with her new life on the Cut.

After dinner, Dixie would stick around with the adults, while Georgia would run off with Wheezie. This would leave you with Rafe, who was a hit-or-miss. Sometimes, like the night of Topper's birthday, he was pleasant, more or less. Other times, his demeanor matched that of a cranky, old, drugged-up alcoholic.

Despite the impending dread of the evening, you trudged over to your ensuite bathroom and turned on the shower, allowing the room to fill with steam before actually getting in. The water was scalding against your skin, but you welcomed the numbing feeling. Nowadays, you welcomed any feeling you had control over; any feeling that would drown out JJ's. You took your time lathering your body, washing your hair, and shaving your legs. You stayed in the steaming shower until your fingers began to prune. You reluctantly shut the shower off and wrapped a towel around your body. You went through your meticulous skincare and hair routine, all the while humming along to whatever piano melody floated aimlessly in your mind. Your phone buzzed, and you paused your work curling your eyelashes.

6:36 PM Kate: what are you up to tonight? we'd love to see you

You sighed as you read over your friend's message. You knew that you could only avoid them for so long, and the expiration date of your isolation was rapidly approaching.

to Kate:

stuck going to the Cameron's for dinner. how about move night thursday? delivered 6:38 PM

You set your phone down after typing out a quick reply. A minute hadn't even passed when your phone buzzed again. You glanced at it from the corner of your eye, as you were mid-mascara application.

6:39 PM Kate: it's a date

You smiled softly at her response. You really had missed your friends; you just dreaded having to explain your argument with Anna, as well as your disappearance.

You rushed through the rest of your routine, before making your way to your walk-in closet to pick out an outfit for the evening. Just as you had slipped on a satin skirt which you knew your mother would approve of, you felt the sharp, burning sensation of walking barefoot on gravel in the balls of your feet. A shiver ran up your spine, and you wiggled your toes as if doing so would shake off the uncomfortable feeling.

"Get a move on, you. We're leaving in five minutes!" your father’s booming voice startled you. You tried your best to ignore the sensation in your feet as you hastily slipped on a pair of kitten heels, and rushed down the grand staircase and into the foyer. As you caught sight of the rest of your family waiting by the car, you sighed. Still, you swallowed down the dread, put on an obedient smile, and walked outside to join the rest of the Montgomery clan. You only hoped that playing along would make the time pass faster.

✰✰✰

"You wouldn't believe the audacity of these teenagers, nowadays. They must have never been properly taught manners, let alone customer service skills!"

You bit your tongue at your mother’s dramatic retelling of the story of the staff member at the club who delivered her a lukewarm towel rather than a hot one. You feigned a smile as the adults at the table laughed. You caught Sarah Cameron's eye from across the table, who rolled your eyes dramatically at Margaret Montgomery, eliciting a quiet giggle from you.

As miserable as the dinner had been, you had been pleasantly surprised to see Sarah at the table. At least after the meal, you would have someone your age to make small talk with, saving you from lingering beside the adults or engaging with Rafe. This was particularly relieving considering the last time you saw Rafe he had his tongue down your throat at Topper's birthday party.

Just as you shuddered at the memory, Ward Cameron's booming voice diverted your attention, "Well why don't we head inside and try out some of those liqueurs I mentioned earlier?"

Margaret and Clyde folded up their used napkins and followed him inside the house, with Dixie trailing behind. Just as you had predicted, you were left alone with Rafe and Sarah, as Georgia had run off with Wheezie earlier in the evening.

"And then there were three," you sighed awkwardly. Sarah sent you a soft smile which you returned, while Rafe stared you down in a manner that made you feel uneasy. You shifted under his gaze and cleared your throat, "I'm just gonna head to the restroom."

You folded your napkin and stood up, pushing your chair in behind you. You head towards the house with a bounce in your step, eager to escape Rafe's leering eyes. You hurried into the bathroom near the front entrance of the Camerons’ house and huffed in relief as you locked the door behind you.

You turned to the mirror and sighed as you looked yourself in the eyes. You frowned as you noticed that the bags under your eyes were visible even under layers of concealer, and your mascara had smudged slightly in the crinkle of your right eye. Your self-scrutiny was put on pause as you felt a familiar hot pressure on your thumb, followed by a burning sensation in your throat. You cleared your throat as if it would expel the sensation. Instead, the burning returned. Smoking kills, you thought to yourself but gulped in acceptance. You gave yourself one last once over before pushing the door open, intent on finding someplace quiet where you could escape for the rest of the night.

"So you're avoiding me now?" a gruff voice tickled your ear as you turned to close the door behind you. You jumped in surprise and whipped around to face Rafe, who loomed over you like a predator would with its prey. His eyes were dark, and his grin unsettling as he leaned one hand on the door beside your head.

"No," you squeaked, "Just needed to pee."

Rafe scoffed and leaned even closer to you, "Well now that you've gotten that out of the way," his head ducked down to the crook of your neck, "why don't we continue where we left off last time, huh?" his lips grazed your collarbone. Your entire body tensed, frozen in shock. Rafe sunk his teeth into the soft skin of your neck, nipping harshly and shaking you out of your state of surprise.

"That was a one-time thing," you shoved at him, but he placed his other arm on the other side of your body, effectively trapping you between his body and the wall. He trailed sloppy kisses up the side of your neck and jutted his hips against yours, keeping you from squirming away. His breath reeked of alcohol and you scrunched your nose up at the smell. "Knock it off, Rafe," you cried, shoving at his chest again, but to no avail.

"Get off of her, you perv!"

Sarah's shrieking voice startled Rafe away from you. You gasped in relief as his body was removed from yours. Your heartbeat was erratic, and you shivered as the shock of Rafe's advance towards you settled. You didn't hesitate to scramble over to Sarah's side.

Rafe, on the other hand, let out a guttural groan at his sister's interruption, "God, Sarah, can you fuck off for once?"

Sarah narrowed her eyes at her brother, "She said 'no', you dickhead. And you reek. Go take a shower or something."

Rafe rolled his eyes but trudged away, nevertheless, all the while grumbling profanities under his breath. You felt a weight lift off your shoulders when he exited the foyer, and you turned to Sarah with sincerity, "Thank you."

"Don't even mention it," Sarah spoke in a soothing tone with apologetic eyes, "I'm so sorry about him. He can really be awful sometimes."

"That's an understatement," you scoffed, and Sarah giggled in response.

"Seriously though, are you okay? Did he hurt you?" Sarah questioned, her brows cinched together in concern.

You shook your head and sent her a reassuring smile, "I'm fine, really. Just grossed out."

Sarah nodded, satisfied with your response. A beat of awkward silence passed between you before she broke it again, "Well I was gonna go have some of the Rosé my dad opened during dinner if you wanna join? I could use your help killing the bottle."

"Sure," you replied with a closed-mouth grin, "I could definitely use a glass of wine after tonight. If I hear one more golfing story I think I'll lose my mind."

"Tell me about it," Sarah laughed heartily and led you back outside to the table you had eaten on, snatching the opened, but nearly full bottle of Rosé along with two wine glasses. The two of you sat on the steps of the patio, and Sarah poured you each a generous amount of wine.

"Cheers," you grinned as you clinked your glass against Sarah's before taking a sip, relishing in the bittersweet flavor.

"Are you still playing piano?" Sarah chirped, filling the once awkward, but now slightly more comfortable, silence.

"Yeah," you nodded, "I've actually been thinking about applying to some music programs for next year."

Sarah grinned at your response, "That's amazing! It's nice to see you stepping outside of the Montgomery mold," she teased.

You chuckled softly. "How's your life been? How are things with John B?" you questioned in response, taking another sip of your Rosé.

The longer the two of you chatted, the more you felt yourself relax. You had missed Sarah, and feeling connected with someone outside of your inner circle felt like a breath of fresh air. For once, you didn't feel the need to impress anyone or present yourself in a particular way. That freedom was a much-needed relief.

"You know it's nice seeing you at one of these things," you sighed, "You're like, my only saving grace at these dinners."

Sarah gently swirled the wine in her glass, and shot you a guilty smile, "Yeah. I'm sorry for leaving you high and dry all those times."

You shrugged, and took another sip of wine, "It is what it is. I mean, you've got a whole new group of friends now."

Sarah frowned at this but didn't object as she knew it was true. She had ditched a number of people, but in her defense, it was hard to have the best of both worlds with so much animosity on both sides.

"I guess. But I do miss you, though. It just feels impossible to have friends on both sides with this raging class war. I mean, can you imagine a world where Topper and JJ play beer pong and sing campfire songs together?" Sarah laughed at the image of the well-established enemies being friends.

Your heart skipped a beat at the joke. You couldn't imagine a world in which Topper and JJ got along. You couldn't even picture Topper's reaction when he would inevitably find out that JJ was your soulmate. The thought terrified you; still, you forced a laugh and raised your glass of wine to your lips, effectively concealing your phony smile.

"Seriously though, I think you would actually like my friends, Y/N," Sarah said with a smile, "I think you'd get along well."

You shrugged and looked out at the twinkling string lights covering the backyard, "I don't know about that. I do like Pope. He seems to be the tamest of them all."

"He definitely is," Sarah affirmed. She waited a beat, before continuing, "You know, I'm supposed to be meeting them at the beach for a small bonfire soon. I would love it if you could come."

You nearly dropped the glass in your hand.

"Uh," you blubbered, "I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Oh come on, I promise it'll be fun. You'll have me, and I really think you all would get along," Sarah stared at you with pleading eyes, her eyebrows raised with hope.

You shifted in your seat in discomfort. You had been doing so well, this past week, avoiding any possible run-ins with JJ. Why would you subject yourself to the possibility of seeing him? At the same time, you were really enjoying spending time with Sarah, and it would be nice to get out of the house for something other than piano practice or a family obligation.

"Who all is going to be there?" you questioned.

"Just John B and Pope, I'm pretty sure," Sarah responded.

You gnawed on your bottom lip as you mulled over the invitation. JJ wouldn't be there, at least. But was hanging around with his friends any better? In the end, the pleading look in Sarah's puppy dog eyes was unrelenting.

"Okay," you reluctantly agreed, eliciting a squeal of excitement from Sarah.

With a giddy Sarah on your tail, you set your glass of wine down to find your parents and ask for permission to go to the beach with Sarah. You were careful to exclude any mention of other people, let alone Pogues. In their tipsy-bordering-drunken state, Clyde and Margaret waved you off with a nonchalant seal of approval.

"John B should be here any minute," Sarah proclaimed as you waited at the driveway of the Camerons' mansion. You felt the nerves beginning to creep in. You knew that Pope didn't hate you, but you still worried John B would given that you had never interacted with him beyond nods of acknowledgment or passing insults from Topper. Before you could spiral into your whirlwind of thoughts, a beat-up Volkswagen van pulled into the driveway. The vehicle looked like it was on its last legs, but the rustic exterior was oddly charming.

Just after it screeched to a halt, Sarah yanked the side door open and clambered inside.

"Hey guys, Y/N’s gonna join us if that's okay," she chirped, beckoning you to join her inside the van.

You cautiously climbed inside and were met with a surprised John B and Pope in the driver and passenger seats. You flushed as you realized how out of place you were. Before you could excuse yourself, Pope interjected your train of thought.

"Yeah, of course! It's good to see you again," he sent a toothy grin your way, which you hesitantly returned.

"The more the merrier," John B stuttered with an awkward, but still kind, smile.

Your anxiety settled but still bubbled quietly in the pit of your stomach. You were completely out of your comfort zone. But it was too late to turn back now, as John B started up the van and pulled out of the Cameron's estate.

"How was your dinner?" John B called from the driver's seat, glancing at the two girls through the rearview mirror.

Sarah scoffed, "Pretty fucking awful."

You snorted and turned to your friend with a grin, "I think if I heard one more person complain about how the Club's hor d'œurves have gone downhill this season, I'd gouge my eyeballs out with one of your stepmom's fine china teaspoons."

Sarah burst out into a fit of giggles, and the two boys in the front chuckled at your quick-wittedness. You relaxed into your seat, as you grew slightly more comfortable with the unfamiliar crowd.

The drive to the beach was short from the Camerons' house, and it wasn't long until the four of you climbed out of the Twinkie in a nearby parking lot. You noticed a dirt bike parked next to the van, but you didn't think much of it as the group made their way towards the water.

"I definitely didn't pick the right shoes for the occasion," you grumbled as you fiddled with the straps of your heels and pulled them off before stepping onto the sand of the beach.

"Hey, they're cute though. Where’d you get them?" Sarah nudged you with a grin as the two Kook girls walked side by side in the sand.

You shrugged, "They were Dixie's. But she wore them twice before deciding they were too last season."

Sarah snorted, "Classic Montgomery behavior."

"Tell me about it," you mumbled with an exaggerated eye roll.

Loud chattering ahead of you diverted your attention from your feet to the flickering flame of a small campfire surrounded by four long logs. You smiled softly at the scene, but the grin was instantly wiped from your face as you caught sight of the familiar blond locks you'd been avoiding all week.

JJ Maybank's eyes shot to yours, and you froze in your place.

Sarah noticed how you had tensed suddenly and turned to you with furrowed brows.

"I thought you said it was just Pope and John B," you rasped.

Sarah followed your gaze and finally noticed JJ staring back with an unreadable expression. A guilty blush crept up her cheeks as she turned to you and grabbed your arm gently, forcing your eyes back on her.

"Please don't be mad," Sarah whispered, "But I may have stretched the truth. I just didn't think you'd come if I told you anyone else was coming and selfishly, I really wanted to spend some more time with you."

You internally groaned at Sarah's confession. You should have known better. Since when did the Pogues hang out in separate groups? Your shoulders slumped and you sighed, composing yourself. You knew Sarah didn't mean any harm by it. It's not like you knew about everything between you and JJ.

"You're right, but it's fine," you relented, "I'm already here so might as well make the most of it."

Sarah's shoulders slumped in relief and she grinned, "Well let's go then!"

She grabbed your hand and dragged you towards the small fire to join the rest of the group.

"Hey guys! Y/N did my a solid saving me from a miserable dinner tonight so I invited her to join us," Sarah announced with a cheery tone. "Please be nice, she’s really cool," Sarah spoke pointedly at JJ with a cocked eyebrow.

He grunted and restored himself to poking at the fire with a stick, trying to look as disinterested in your presence as possible.

"Yeah, of course," Kie smiled cautiously at you, which you shyly returned.

Sarah beckoned you over to join her on one of the logs beside the fire. You sat with Sarah to your right and Pope to your left, much to your relief. At least you were surrounded by the two members of the group you felt least ostracized by.

The group of friends passed around beers and erupted into conversation. You listened intently, smiling along but silently sipping your beer otherwise. You learned that so far this summer, Pope had been busy studying for the SAT, John B had landed a job in a mechanic shop, and Kie was taking a creative writing class off the island at a nearby university. You admired the ease with which the group of friends spoke, and found yourself feeling glum as you thought of your friends. You worried that you may never be able to sit around like this with Topper, Kate, and Anna again. Anna certainly hated you, and you were sure Topper would when he inevitably found out the truth.

"Why don't we play a game?" Kie's voice pulled you from your thoughts.

"What do you have in mind?" Pope quirked a brow as he took a sip from his beer.

Sarah interjected, "How about Never Have I Ever?"

The Pogues in the group groaned at your suggestion.

"We already know everything we've done," John B complained.

"Well, you've never played with me! And we have a new friend with us, so we don't know everything," Sarah argued pointedly. You flushed as all eyes turned towards you.

Kie shrugged, "I'm convinced. Who starts?" she propped her elbows on her knees and held up five fingers on each hand.

"You start since you think it's such a good idea," JJ grumbled. You avoided his gaze across the fire.

Kie hummed in thought, "Alright. Never have I ever given or had a happy ending massage."

Sarah and John B sheepishly put down a finger, and everyone else erupted into disgusted cries.

"I didn't need to know that," Pope shook his head, before collecting himself and continuing the game. "Never have I ever gone skinny dipping," he exclaimed.

All three girls put a finger down, and the three of you giggled as you realized you were the only ones who had done so. You could feel yourself warming up to Kie, albeit slowly.

All eyes turned to you, "Never have I ever..," you trailed off, thinking of a statement, "shoplifted."

You watched as John B, Kie, and JJ all put down a finger. JJ scoffed, and grumbled under his breath, "Well of course you haven't, you don't need to."

Kie elbowed him in the side to shut him up, but you had already heard his comment. You frowned and diverted your gaze to your bare feet in the sand. He really detested you, didn't he?

"Never have I ever pulled an all-nighter," Sarah's lilting voice brought you back to the game. Pope and Kie both put down a finger.

As the group of teenagers continued going around the circle, their questions became more and more targeted.

Never have I ever had a boner.

Never have I ever lived on Figure Eight.

Never have I ever had a brother named Rafe.

Kie was the first to drop out, and Pope, John B, and Sarah each had one measly finger left in the game. In a last-ditch attempt to save himself and kill two birds with one stone, Pope cleared his throat and boomed, "Never have I ever met my soulmate."

Sarah and John B immediately erupted into cries of protest.

You, on the other hand, felt your entire body stiffen and your heart skip a beat. You sucked in a breath, and your gaze cautiously crept towards the blond sitting across from you. Your pink lips parted as your eyes met his, already trained on yours. His jaw was taut, and the expression painted on his face was indiscernible. His three fingers remained in the air, unmoving. And so you mimicked him, keeping your remaining fingers raised.

Pope softly nudged you and you jumped in your seat, diverting your gaze from JJ. "Oh, um," you stumbled, "Never have I ever been arrested."

Pope sighed as he put his last finger down, "Well it was fun while it lasted."

JJ put a finger down, leaving him with two remaining and you with three. You shifted in your seat, as all eyes were trained on you. You cautiously met his eyes and watched as the tip of his tongue poked out in thought, wetting his lips.

"Never have I ever had my own household staff to wait on me," JJ taunted, his voice dripping with disdain.

Your lips curved into a frown and your cheeks flushed at his insinuation that you were spoiled. You put one finger down, leaving you with two remaining.

You ground your teeth, and quickly retorted, "Never have I gotten into a fight for no good reason."

JJ's left eye twitched, and he put down yet another finger, leaving him with one left. The rest of the Pogues were silent while they watched the pair, heads whipping back and forth as if watching a tennis match.

"Never have I ever spread my legs for a Kook," JJ sneered, his face stoic and eyes swimming with malice.

You could barely hear the groans and shouts of the Pogues around your reprimanding their friend. Your body felt hot, and you couldn't tell if it was because of the crackling fire or your blazing fury. You leaned forward just enough so JJ had a full view of your cleavage through the flickering flames. You propped your elbows on your knees, pushing your breasts together. You lifted your beer and wrapped your lips around the mouth of the bottle slowly, never taking your eyes off of him. You blindly set the bottle down and licked your lips slowly. You relished in the bitter flavor and the bob of JJ's Adam's apple as he gulped, revealing a crack in his stoic demeanor.

Finally, you put down one finger, leaving only your middle finger trained towards him.

"Never have I ever hurt my soulmate on purpose," you spoke with a sense of finality.

Because you knew you had won.

JJ was fuming as his composure shattered. And you found yourself captivated by the shift of his jaw, the vein bulging from his neck, the baring of his teeth. A cruel smile crept onto your lips as you reveled in the darkened hue of his blue eyes.

"I think that's enough of Never Have I Ever," John B coughed, cutting through the rapidly escalating tension.

You leaned back in your seat with a satisfied smirk tugging at your lips. You finally pulled your eyes off JJ.

The Pogues attempted to move past the awkwardness caused by the seemingly innocent game. Sarah and Kie sparked up a conversation about their plan to buy supplies from Home Depot for a pong table. John B and Pope joined in, offering design suggestions. But JJ's anger and your smugness lingered in the air; impossible to avoid.

"Well I'm getting pretty tired," Sarah forced a yawn and dramatic stretch.

"You spending the night at the Chateau?" John B was quick to add, eager to escape the lingering hostility.

"Sure," Sarah responded before looking at you, "We can still swing by your place if you want a ride home?"

You shook your head and politely declined the offer, "I think I'm gonna walk home. I could use the fresh air."

And you didn't want to risk any of your family members seeing the beaten-down van pull into the driveway.

You shot Sarah a smile that seemed to be convincing enough.

"You coming, Pope?" John B asked as the couple rose from their seats.

"Yep," Pope didn't hesitate to jump from his place.

"Me too," Kie mimicked his actions. They all cautiously looked toward JJ in anticipation. After a few beats of silence, the group began their work dismantling the small campfire. While Pope, Kie, and John B collected the littered bottles, you followed Sarah to collect buckets of ocean water.

As you walked towards the waves, Sarah wrapped her arms around you in a tight hug, "Thanks for coming. I hope we can hang out again soon," she smiled as she pulled away which you gladly returned.

"We will, don't worry," you reassured the Cameron girl.

The two fo you filled your buckets with water and returned to the fire. You each doused the flames, causing a dwindling of smoke to rise into the air. John B kicked sand over the logs for good measure, until the last ember dimmed. Satisfied, the group turned to begin their trek to the Twinkie. Sarah gave you one last smile and wave before looping her arm through John B's and turning away.

You watched as they walked away, ignoring the presence of the boy still seated on a log who hadn't moved since the end of the game.

Silence enveloped the two of you, filled only with the crashing of soft waves nearby. You grabbed your heels from your previous spot and wandered away from your soulmate, seemingly oblivious of his presence. You ambled towards the moonlit waves and plopped down in the sand just behind where the water crept up at its highest point. You wiggled your toes in the fine sand and stared up at the crescent moon illuminating the dark earth below. You fluttered your eyes shut and breathed in the salty air, shivering slightly at the sea breeze.

Even with your eyes closed and the ocean clouding your senses, you could feel JJ's presence.

The blond Pogue took a seat beside you. You waited with bated breath, refusing to be the one to break the silence.

Your wish was granted as JJ finally spoke, "You'll be the end of me, Montgomery."

You couldn't fight the triumphant grin from stretching across your face.

Your eyes flicked towards him. His anger had dissipated into something else entirely; something You couldn't quite put your finger on.

"JJ Maybank's demise," you hummed in thought, toying with a loose strand of your hair, "The Pogue Prince at the mercy of the Kook Princess. The duality is almost poetic, isn't it?"

You felt a scorching desire brewing in the pit of your stomach; one which wasn't your own.

You had him wrapped around your dainty finger, and you both knew it. Still, he took the bait.

"You're the devil, you know," he rasped, inching closer to his other half.

"Well you know what they say," you quirked a brow, reeling him in. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Hook, line, and sinker.

JJ released a guttural groan as he crashed his lips against yours. His hand snaked around your neck, entangling itself in your windswept hair and firmly holding you in place. The callouses of his fingers were rough against your smooth skin, sending an earth-shattering shiver up your spine. You melted into his touch and balled the fabric of his t-shirt in your first, yanking him even closer. His blunt nails dug into the dip of your waist, eliciting a gasp. He took advantage of your open mouth and slipped his tongue inside before running it along your bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth.

JJ swiftly swung his body over yours and nudged a knee between your legs, forcing them apart. Your skirt slid up your thighs and bunched around your hips. His lips never left yours, as if he was afraid you would slip away if they parted. You wrapped your arms around his neck as you laid back on the sand. You rolled your tongue against his and tugged on the hair at the nape of his neck, earning a moan from JJ. He returned the favor by grinding his knee between your thighs where you needed him most. You jolted with a moan and bucked your hips against him desperately.

Just as your hands, trembling with desire, slid underneath his shirt, JJ grabbed both of your wrists with one hand and pinned them above your head. He abruptly detached his lips from yours, and you gasped at the loss. Your eyes fluttered open as JJ trailed kisses along your neck.

You cried out when he took your earlobe in his mouth before whispering, "It's cute that you think you've got me wrapped around your finger," he gripped your chin in his free hand, "But you seem to have forgotten who you're messing with, Montgomery," he slipped his thumb into your mouth, "You need me to remind you?"

You stared up at him with pleading eyes. Any semblance of dignity was swept away in the ocean breeze when you nodded once.

JJ's eyes twinkled with desire as he moved his hand back down to wrap around your neck. He leaned down so their lips just barely brushed. You lurched forward to connect your lips to his, but he jerked back and pushed his hips into yours. He leaned down again, before pulling back in the same cruel manner. You cried out in frustration and jerked your arms but to no avail against his iron grip.

"Use your words," he teased, ghosting his lips over yours again, "Or I'll go like this all night."

"Please, J," you whined, thrusting your hips. You wanted so badly to wipe the cocky smirk off his face, but you had relented control.

"Come on, sweetheart, you can do better than that," he squeezed your neck, "Tell me what you want me to do to you."

Tears of frustration pricked at your eyes. He wanted to see you embarrassed.

"I wanna feel your lips on my skin," a tear trailed down your face, "I wanna taste you, I want you between my thighs. I want you all over and I need you inside of me, please--"

JJ cut off your blubbering by crashing his lips against yours once more and releasing your arms. You slid them back under his shirt, and this time he didn't protest as they trailed up his toned abdomen to his flexed shoulders. He parted from you once more to discard the material, and you nearly drooled at the sight of his bare chest.

JJ scrunched your skirt up around your waist, revealing your lacy panties. You squirmed as he simply pressed the pad of his thumb against the very obvious wet spot in the middle. He watched in awe at the effect he had over you, and a blush crept up your neck.

"Please, stop teasing," you whined.

He didn't hesitate to yank the material down your thighs and toss it aside. JJ trailed kisses up the soft skin of your inner thigh, and you waited with bated breath as he inched closer to where you needed him most. Finally, his tongue dragged up your slit and circled your clit, before sucking it into his mouth with a vulgar slurp.

You cried at the sensation and threaded your fingers into his dirty blond locks. Your eyes fluttered shut and your jaw went slack in pure bliss as JJ ate you out like a man starved. The alternating flicking of his tongue against your nub and sucking into his mouth made your head spin. You felt your high approaching, and you knew JJ could feel it too which made the sensation all the more intoxicating. As his skilled tongue continued to circle your clit, he ran a finger through your folds before sinking it deep inside. You mewled as he massaged your walls. Feeling your orgasm rapidly approaching, JJ wrapped his lips around your nub and inserted anotyour finger, curling them both as fast as he could. You wailed and shockwaves rolled through your body as you felt your release. JJ groaned against he as he felt the ecstasy of your high in his own body. He continued lapping up your juices as you rode through your release until your thighs twitched violently and you jerked away from him.

You panted in the afterglow of your mind splintering orgasm. You barely had a moment to recover before JJ's lips were back on yours. His tongue swiped along your bottom lip, forcing you to taste your own release.

"You taste so fucking good, baby," he moaned against you, and your heart skipped a beat.

He reached behind you and swiftly untied your top, throwing it aside. He groaned as he saw you weren’t wearing a bra. Your nipples were hard from the sea breeze, and he eagerly took one into his mouth while massaging your other breast. He flicked his thumb against your nipple, and you trembled at the sensation. You reached down and fumbled with the button and zipper of his shorts. You shoved at JJ's shoulder in an attempt to flip him so you were on top, but he wouldn't budge.

"Uh uh," he shoved his shorts off and nipped at your neck, "As much as I'd love to see those pretty lips wrapped around my cock, that'll have to wait. I need to feel your tight cunt stretched around me right now."

You shuddered at the filthy words leaving his lips and watched in awe as he helped you nudge his boxers off. His cock sprang up, rock hard and dripping with pre cum. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he slid the tip of it between your soaking folds. Your opening fluttered as the head of his cock poked through, before retreating over and over again, leaving you a blubbering mess.

"Beg for it," JJ rasped against your lips as he continued his teasing.

You cried out in frustration. He wrapped his hand around your neck, squeezing slightly; a warning.

"Please, fuck me J, fuck me until I see stars, I need you inside me," you whimpered pathetically.

He rested his forehead against yours and stared deep into your eyes. Your noses pressed harshly against each other and you could feel the heat of his breath at his proximity. And in one swift movement, he thrust himself inside of you.

A guttural groan escaped him at the sinful feeling of your velvety walls fluttering around him. Your jaw fell slack as you sucked him in. You could feel every indentation, every ridge, every vein of his cock inside you; it was a sensation unlike any you had ever felt before. Your bodies melded together like a lock and key, the last two pieces of a puzzle, two halves of a whole. It rivaled any past fleeting pleasure. You lost all inhibitions as you gave into the bond you had fought against for so long.

JJ pulled his hips back slowly, before slamming them back against you at an unforgiving speed. You wailed at the sensation and dragged your nails down his bare back. You felt your nails dragging along your own back and resliehd in the intimacy of it. He buried his face into the crook of your neck as he set an unrelenting pace. With each snap of his hips, you felt waves of pleasure which resembled that of the ocean water not even 10 feet away.

"You feel like fucking heaven," JJ gasped against your.

He raised one of your legs so it rested over his shoulder. You cried at the sensation, a tear trailing down your face. The new angle allowed him to reach you even deeper, hitting places you had never felt before. He kept thrusting at a splintering speed, but the snapping of his hips was beginning to falter.

"You feel that, baby? You feel what this cunt does to me?" JJ growled into your ear. He pressed one hand against your abdomen, knowing you could feel his rapidly approaching orgasm. He moved his hand down and rubbed his finger against your sensitive clit at a rapid pace.

You nodded, unable to speak.

"You want me to fill this tight little pussy with my cum?" his voice cracked as he got dangerously closer.

"Yes," you sobbed, "Please, fill me up!"

JJ let out a guttural groan as he thrust into you one last time before spilling his load inside of you. Shockwaves rippled through your body as the coiled spring releasing in his abdomen sent you over the edge as well. Your vision blurred and your head spun as you found yourself unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to see. You could only feel. You could finally feel.

JJ rested his nose against the side of your cheek, panting as he recovered from his high. He was unable to move as he reveled in the feeling of you. He laid, strung out, on top of you until his dick had begun to soften, and he had to pull it out. JJ reluctantly propped himself up on his elbows and eased out of your, causing you to tremble at the sensation. You blinked and slowly regained focus on the stars above.

You were vaguely aware that you were lying naked on a public beach--but it was too late to care at that point.

JJ collapsed beside you with a huff. He mimicked your position and stared at the stars twinkling above. He turned on his side and swung an arm over your waist with a sigh. He nudged his nose against your cheek again and barely spoke above a whisper, "We just complicated things, didn't we."

You nodded before you replied, vocal cords scratchy, "That's the understatement of the century."

JJ watched the rise and fall of your bare chest, using it to count the passage of time until a minute passed.

"So what do we do now?" he asked.

"I don't know," you shrugged.

Your chest rose and fell. Another minute passed.

"I don't think we can keep on avoiding each other," he broke the silence.

You sighed, "Clearly not."

The acceptance of your predicament was sobering. Acceptance. What a terrifying word.

You cleared your throat, "Well, clearly we can't ignore the bond. But that doesn't mean we have to uproot our lives."

His brows furrowed, "What do you mean?"

You sighed and tilted your head so it faced his. You stared into his ocean blues, nose to nose, "I mean so long as we satisfy the bond we can continue our normal lives."

His eyes never left yours as he mulled over your suggestion. "So, you're saying that if we keep fucking then we can go back to before."

You nodded.

JJ turned his head from yours and stared up at the sky again. He watched the crescent moon, which when he tilted his head resembled a frown.

"Okay," he finally replied.

Before you could say any more, a booming voice made you freeze in terror.

"Hey, who's out there?"

You and JJ scrambled to your feet and frantically searched for your clothes. Your heartbeat was erratic as you caught sight of a man on the other end of the beach. His shining light and the silhouette of his vest were a dead giveaway that he was a cop patrolling the public beach.

You only had time to slip on your skirt before JJ yanked your wrist, pulling you from the scene.

"Come on, Montgomery!" he ran, dragging you behind him. You held your top up to cover your bare chest as you stumbled behind the Pogue, who managed to get all of his clothes on in time. You sprinted through the sand and towards the parking lot where the dirt bike you noticed earlier was parked. JJ found a set of keys in his pocket and looked up, finally catching sight of you. Despite the gravity of the situation, he couldn't help but laugh at the wide-eyed Kook, clutching a top against her naked chest and trembling in fear.

"Fuck off," you hissed, hands shaking as you attempted to lace up the back of the top behind your neck.

JJ spun your around and swiftly tied it into a knot, saving you time. He shoved a helmet into your hands, and your mouth gaped as you realized he wanted you to get onto his bike.

"You want me to get on that...that death contraption?" you shrieked as he put his own helmet on. He rolled his eyes and grabbed the spare helmet from you, placing it onto your head unwillingly.

"You wanna get booked for public indecency?" he retorted.

You remained silent but huffed to show your displeasure.

JJ guided you onto the vehicle and revved the engine. Just as he kicked off the brake, your face dropped with realization.

"Wait! My shoes, I left them on the beach!"

"Tough luck, sweetheart. You're gonna have to get a new pair."

"But they're Louis Vuitton," you cried in despair, earning a scoff and exaggerated eye roll, which although you couldn't see you could feel.

Your vintage heels were forgotten as you heard the police officer getting closer, "Stop right there, or I'll call for backup!"

JJ merely revved the engine in response and guided your arms around his waist. You gripped onto him for dear life as he sped out of the parking lot and onto the road, leaving the poor man a blubbering mess.

You clutched the fabric of JJ's shirt tightly as he weaved in and out of lines like a maniac. You feared for your life, but the adrenaline coursing through your veins was insatiable. You leaned your head back and shut your eyes, relishing in the feeling of the beating wind blowing your hair back. You laughed at the sensation and your situation.

Never would you have guessed that a Montgomery-Cameron family gathering would end with you on the back of the Pogue Prince's humble steed running from the police.

And you couldn't help but revel in the incredulity of it all.

#jj maybank x reader #jj maybank #jj maybank smut #outer banks #jj maybank imagine #jj x reader #jj maybank fanfiction #outer banks fanfiction

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nayeoniiz · 22 days ago

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I’m So Sick of Me Too

pairings ❥ jay x fem!reader (ft. eric from the boyz)

point of view ❥ third person, omniscient

warnings ❥ N/A, eventual smut mdni!

genre ❥ angst, slow burn, betrayal, smut

synopsis ❥ after what felt like a sudden breakup with her boyfriend of many years, y/n finds herself holding onto the remaining pieces chipping off of a failed relationship. after wallowing in an isolated self pity, her two best friends convince her to go to a party where she meets the perfect boy to fill the void. unsure if her attraction is genuine or a distraction, y/n has one choice to makeㅡ be with her newfound lover or make it work with her first love.

taglist open!

* ONE

* TWO (TBD.)

ENHYPEN MASTERLIST

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katakaluptastrophy · 10 months ago

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Thinking once again about the anniversary dinner, and about how the unusual isolation of Canaan House gives us the wrong impression about the lives of the scions, who would normally be surrounded by those retainers, attendants, and domestics forbidden in the Emperor's letter.

The Fifth clearly not only can and do cook, but enjoy doing so. If they're casually throwing together a dinner party for 20 people, you have to assume they've done something in that ballpark before.

But for all that we get Magnus' self-effacing comments about being better at making dessert than duelling and non-threatening, apron-wearing Abigail, this is something that will be very much a hobby for them. Abigail is the feudal despot of perhaps the most powerful House in the Dominicus System, and Magnus is a chief civil servant at the heart of the imperial bureaucracy. They may have the facilities to and enjoy cooking for each other and their friends. But they are almost certainly not doing that regularly.

Nor are they hosting a dinner party in quite the way us plebs would think about it.

Most of us probably don't casually invite 20 friends, acquaintances, and rivals round on whim, but then again, most of us don't have the domestic assistance they're clearly used to and still have access to in Canaan House:

"The appearance of two skeletons bearing an enormous tureen of food...under Abigail's direction, they filled everyone's bowl..." "...the various Houses stood around with warm cups in their hands to watch the skeletons clear up...listening to...the clatter of skeletons with used up knives and forks."

They may have cooked a fantastic spread, but it seems like the tables have been set (with those "yellowing tablecloth[s]" brought out of "deep storage") by the skeleton servitors. The food has been served and cleared away by them. Perhaps they have also been involved in some of the preparation - after all, it is much more pleasant to cook when you don't have to chop onions for 20.

#the locked tomb #tlt meta #abigail pent #magnus quinn #I once briefly found myself on 'private chefs to the wealthy' Tik Tok #Where bringing in staff to help prep and to serve the intimate dinner party for your closest 20 friends seems to be the done thing

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letsgetrowdy43 · 6 months ago

Text

Take Me As I Come (Rowan's Version)—

Nico Hischier x Angie Chandler

Warnings: A lot of angst, some undersage drinking and partying, swearing, if you notice anything else please lmk!

Based on the song "Take Me As I Come" by Evan Honer and Wyatt Flores

Au Masterlist!

Another day, another regret, try to remember how the night went Oh, this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, tells me it didn't go well

Angie woke up to a harsh beam of sunlight cutting through the gap in the heavy hotel curtains. Her head throbbed with a relentless, pounding ache, and her mouth felt like sandpaper. She squinted against the light and groaned, slowly piecing together the events of the previous night.

The draft. The endless anticipation. The crushing disappointment.

It all kinda felt like a blur, it was two days fuelled by nerves, and then ending with the downfall of her dreams.

he tried to sit up but immediately regretted it as a wave of nausea swept over her. Her phone buzzed on the nightstand, and she winced as she reached for it. "Congrats to all the draftees! The future of hockey looks bright!" read one of the many notifications that flooded her team's group chat.

She threw the phone back onto the bed beside her, the notifications a cruel reminder of what she'd lost and what she would never accomplish. All of her best friends had been drafted in the past two days. She remembered the moment vividly: Jack's name being called, the roar of the crowd, the tears of joy streaming down Ellen's face. Angie had clapped and cheered, forcing a smile as her next teammate was called, and then another, and then another, and so forth.

She was proud of her boys, but it still felt like the world was quickly collapsing around her.

After that, everything had become a blur of congratulations and celebrations. The league had thrown the families of draftees a party and Angie had been pulled into the center of it, the designated best friend, expected to share in their joy.

She’d taken shot after shot, each one a futile attempt to drown her sorrow. The night devolved into a haze of loud music, laughter, and her own silent despair which ultimately led her to now, in pain both physically and mentally, staring at the roof of a hotel room she was even sure was hers.

"Angie, are you okay?" Trevor's voice startled her from her thoughts as she looked to the other bed in the room that was crowded with a hungover Jack, Trevor, and Cole, all still clad in their draft jerseys. "Yeah, just... so happy for you guys," she’d lied, her smile filled with hurt.

Angie dragged herself out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face, hoping to wash away the remnants of last night. The girl staring back at her in the mirror looked as broken as she felt, red-rimmed eyes, tangled hair, and a vacant expression.

She needed to get out of this room, out of this headspace.

★★★★

Lost a couple of my friends, and in the morning try to mend Can't fix what's in pieces for my selfish reasons, tryna run from myself

Angie lay in her bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. The room was dark, the air seemed thick, and the curtains were drawn tight to block out the sunlight.

Days had blended into nights in a haze of grief and self-pity. Her phone lay discarded next to her, the battery almost dead from lack of use. She had ignored countless calls and messages, isolating herself from the world outside.

Her body ached from inactivity, her muscles stiff and sore. She knew she needed to get up, to do something, anything, but the weight of her disappointment kept her pinned to the mattress.

this was truly peak bed-rotting.

The draft had been a week ago, but the heartbreak felt as raw and fresh as ever. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the names being called, and felt the sting of her own failure, she could've worked harder, could've pushed herself to be better, be better at interviews, and be more welcoming like all of her teammates.

In a moment of restless boredom, she picked up her phone and scrolled aimlessly through social media. Highlights from the draft, celebratory posts from her friends, and news articles all seemed to mock her failure. She switched to YouTube, hoping to find something to distract herself. As she scrolled through recommended videos, a familiar thumbnail caught her eye, one of her interviews with ESPN, her shy smile next to Jack's bright one staring right back at her as she chewed her lip with anxiety.

Angie hesitated, her finger hovering over the screen as she thought back to that fateful day.

That Angie was pathetically naive.

She remembered that interview, how excited and hopeful she had been. The reporter had asked her about her dreams, her journey, and her expectations for the draft.

She clicked on the video, and her own face appeared on the screen. She looked so young, so gullible. The Angie on the screen was full of optimism, talking about her rigorous training schedule, her supportive family, and how much it meant to her to be on the brink of her NHL dream.

It was such a load of bullshit.

People must have watched this and laughed at how hopeful she had been, how big-eyed and almost greedy she was to think that she was worthy of achieving the unimaginable. her heart crushed a little knowing that this version of Angie would never get to have her moment, never get to be the best, or even amongst the bests.

"I've worked so hard for this moment," she heard herself say. "I know I have what it takes, and I'm just so grateful for the opportunity."

Angie felt a wave of nausea as she watched. How could she have been so sure of herself? How could she have believed that everything would go perfectly? She had been so confident, so certain that her name would be called. It was almost laughable now, seeing how wrong she had been.

She shut her phone off, unable to stomach another second of humiliation, that video was a whole life time ago, she was not that Angie anymore, that version of Angie had never felt the pain of not being good enough before. This current Angie had felt that hell, and to think that she could go from so hopeful to so crushed felt so morbid.

★★★★

I let a lot of people down, they're not surprised this time around They say I'm a ticking time bomb, way too fucking far gone to probably get some help

Angie was startled as Quinn burst through the door of her room, his brows furrowed with worry as he walked up to the window and ripped the curtains open. "Shouldn't you be at the rink," she groaned as the light hit her face, rolling over to be face down into her mattress. "You be at the rink as well," he said with a snappy tone and a face of concern.

He didn't wait for a response. Instead, he kicked off his boots and collapsed onto the bed beside her. The mattress sank under his weight, and she rolled into his side for comfort as they lay there for a second of silence.

Quinn sighed, running a hand through his messy curls. "Dad's been asking about you," he said, his voice gentle, "Jimmy misses your face around the gym, he's been complaining that his favourite girl isn't there to show all the boys up." Angie closed her eyes, the mention of Jimmy pulling at her heartstrings.

Jimmy had been like a second father to her, always pushing her to be her best, always believing in her when she didn't believe in herself.

The thought of him missing her stung deeply.

But the thought of lacing up her skates and never being considered worthy of being the best stung even more

"I don't know, Quinn," she whispered as her hand played with the bracelet on his wrist, one she had given him as a souvenir after her first U18 Woman's Worlds, her voice barely audible, "I don't think I'm cut out to be a failure, its all too much for me." Quinn turned to her, his expression unreadable as he shook his head, "you're not giving up. You've worked too hard, and come too far to let this setback define you."

Angie shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes as she dug the heels of her palms into her eyes trying to stop the burning, "I don't even know where to start. I've lost all my confidence. I can't face them, Quinn. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be so naive and thousands of people got a front row to witness it?" Quinn sat up, leaning over her so she would look him in the eyes "Listen to me. You're one of the strongest women I know. This... this is just a bump in the road. But you need to get out of this bed and start moving forward before you're stuck in this rut forever."

She let out a sigh as she pushed his face out of her line of view, a smile on his face as he watched her lips turn up into a grin at the sight of him hanging off the side of her bed.

"Promise me you'll try?" he asked, standing up to finally leave for the rink. She nodded as she sat up and pulled her knees up to her chest, "we'll see," she pressed her cheek against her knee as he mumbled a quick goodbye followed by an apology for his short visit before he left to head to training. With that, Quinn left the room, leaving Angie alone with her thoughts again.

A few moments later, her phone buzzed on the nightstand. She reached for it, her heart dropping to the pit of her stomach as she saw the caller ID, "Jimmy".

With a shaky breath, she pressed the phone to her cheek and answered, "Hey, Jim." "Angie," Jim's voice boomed through the phone, warm and a little surprised at the quick response, "what's going on, kiddo?"

Angie swallowed hard, tears threatening to spill over, "I'm sorry, Jim. I just... I don't know if I can do this anymore." "You are not a quitter Ange," he said kindly, the sound of skates on the ice slowly disappearing as he headed into one of the dressing rooms for some privacy, "you've got a hell of a lot more fight in ya', and so much more hockey to play."

Angie took a deep breath, feeling a flicker of the old fire reignite within her, "I don't know where to start. I feel so lost." "Start by getting up," Jim said, "come back to the gym. Let us help you get back on track. You're not alone in this, Angie. We’re a team, remember?"

A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she listened to the hope in his voice, "Okay, Jim. I'll be there tomorrow." "That's my girl," Jim said, pride evident in his voice. "We'll see you then."

Tomorrow, she would face the world again. She wasn't done yet.

★★★★

Take me as I come, or don't take me at all I'm gonna let you down, I'm gonna lead you lost

The University of Minnesota's hockey arena buzzed with the energy of pre-season training. Angie walked through the doors, her heart pounding with a mix of nervousness and excitement. It had been months since she had felt this way, a spark of anticipation that she had almost forgotten.

The door to the girl's locker room creaked open, and Angie was greeted by a chorus of voices and laughter. The University of Minnesota women's hockey team was in full swing, getting ready for their first practice of preseason development camp. The air was thick with friendship, and for the first time in a long while, Angie felt excited.

"Hey, you must be Angie Chandler!" a girl with long brunette hair and half of her gear on said, stepping forward with a bright smile. "I'm Taylor. We've heard so much about you." Angie smiled back, though her nerves still tingled. "Yeah, that's me. Nice to meet you."

The rest of the team gathered around, each one introducing themselves with genuine warmth. A wave of relief washed over Angie, this was gonna be good, these girls didn't look at her with pity or judgement; they looked at her with admiration and curiosity.

"We've been dying to meet you," another girl, Amy, said. "The trainers have been bragging about you for weeks. Says you're the best player they've ever seen." Angie's cheeks flushed with embarrassment as her smile grew shy, "they're just being nice." "No, seriously," Taylor chimed in, "We've all seen the highlights. You're incredible. We've all been talking about how cool it is that you're joining us."

Angie couldn't help but smile as she was pulled into a hug by two of her teammates before they showed her where her locker was. The acceptance and praise from her new teammates felt like a balm to her wounded spirit. For so long, she had felt like an outsider, her place on a team had always been conditional, with the expectation of being the greatest, her confidence shattered by the draft's rejection. But here, among these girls, she felt a sense of belonging she hadn't experienced in months.

As they chatted, Angie found herself opening up, sharing stories about her experiences, the US boys, her training, and even sharing a little about her draft. The girls listened, asking questions and expressing their admiration. They made her feel welcome, and for the first time in a long time, she felt like she was part of something bigger than herself.

★★★★

Darling, I mean well, I won't leave 'til I'm gone I'm the maker of hell, Burn every bridge I've known

Angie laid in her bed, phone pressed up against her ear as she listened to Quinn's rambling on the other end. Her muscles were sore from practice, but it was a good kind of sore, the kind that reminded her she was moving forward. However, Quinn’s voice on the other end brought back a wave of frustration.

"Have you talked to Jack?" "Briefly," she mumbled as she flipped through her notebook, "I kinda snapped on him so we haven't talked since... I'm a shit friend"

Quinn let out a sigh, "your not a shit friend, maybe a little Hotheaded, but he understands, you're both going through changes right now," Angie bit her lip, feeling a pang of guilt. "I don't know, he’s struggling, and instead of being supportive, I just made it about me." "You're only human," Quinn said softly, "you’re allowed to feel hurt and frustrated. But you need to talk to him, clear the air."

sometimes Quinn was too kind for his own good.

"He misses you, you know." "I miss him too," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "It’s just hard to hear about his struggles, knowing that could've been me. It's like a constant reminder of what I lost." "I get that," Quinn replied. "But Jack looks up to you, you're his best friend, and he needs your support, even if things didn’t go the way you planned."

Angie closed her eyes as her hands rubbed small circles into her temples, "I know. I just... I feel so angry all the time. It’s like I can't control it anymore." "You’ve been through a lot," Quinn said gently. "But you’re stronger than all of this."

She sat there tears in her eyes, silence settling between them as she wiped her tears and let his words really sink it.

★★★★

Another night, another mistake, and I wound up at the same place In a cheap hotel room with the parking lot view, still not sure where I am

If there was one thing she learned in her first year of university it was that parties were fun in moderation, but too many made the nights blur into her days and it all felt a little mind-numbing.

Her lips pressed against some random guy, the only things she had learned about him being that he was a pledge in the frat that was throwing the party she was currently at and that he was majoring in business psychology. His kisses were rough, his poorly grown mustache kinda scratchy, and his hands pinching a little too hard at the skin of her hips.

She pulled away, head spinning as she watched his face pull into a frown, “you okay?” His hands found her shoulders to steady her as her eyes glazed over with drunken haze. “I don't know,” she mumbled, wiping the beer taste from her lips as his hands kept her grounded, “I need to go home.”

She pulled away from him without another word heading towards the door but not before he followed right after her, “you can't walk home alone," his hand reached out for hers, but she pulled away and walked even faster. “I'm fine, I'm not interested in you coming to my dorm with the intention of fucking me, I don't even know you,” she stated not even looking back at him.

“Thats not what I'm trying to do!” “I'm fine!” she yelled out as she left him on the lawn watching with a concerned look on his face as she stubbornly and drunkenly headed in the direction of the university.

She miraculously made her way back to her dorm unharmed and in one piece, her head spinning and tears brimming her eyes as she collapsed on her bed. Her gaze landed on the photo of her and Jack huddled around a campfire, it was 4th of July the summer going into senior year and life seemed so set at that time.

Her lips trembled as the palms of her hands dug into her eyes, trying to stop the tears before they started. She hadn't spoken to Jack in weeks, the last time they had called she yelled at him for complaining about hsi rookie year. She was loosing everything, loosing herself to a rejection that happened months ago.

Her phone vibrated as a notification, Jack had liked the spam post she had posted a few hours prior on her finsta. The account a little photo album of her life that was only shared with the closest of friends.

She stared at the notification and then dialled Jack's number, her head beginning to pound as the effects of the liqour began to wear off. Without giving herself time to overthink it, she dialed Jack's number.

He picked up by the second ring. "Ange?" "I miss you and I'm sorry for being a bitch," she blurted out, her voice cracking.

There was a pause on the other end of the line before Jack spoke, his tone gentle as he listened to her ragged breaths, "Angie, it's okay. What's going on?"

Tears welled up in her eyes as she tried to find the words. "Everything's just so messed up, Jack. School, hockey, the media... I feel like I'm drowning, and ive ruined our friendship by taking it all out on you." "Hey, take a deep breath," Jack said softly, "I'm not going anywhere, you were upset and i know you didnt mean it. Just talk to me."

Angie took a shaky breath, trying to steady herself as she laid an arm over her eyes to block her vision, needing the room to stop spinning, "I thought I could handle it all, you know? But it's just too much. And I pushed you away because I didn't know how to deal with everything." "I get it, Ang," Jack replied, "You've always put so much pressure on yourself. But you don't have to do it alone. I'm here for you, no matter what."

His words were a soothing to her nerves, and she felt a bit of the tension in her chest at ease, "I just... I miss how things used to be. Before everything got so complicated. I miss michigan and living with you and getting to see you everyday." "Me too," Jack admitted, "but we're still us."

A fresh wave of tears spilled over as she heard the sincerity in his voice. "Thank you, Jack. I really needed to hear that."

They talked for a while longer, Angie pouring out her heart as Jack listened. He shared stories from his own life, making her laugh and reminding her of the bond they shared. By the time they hung up, she felt more grounded, more like herself.

As she lay back down, her phone buzzed again. This time, it was a message from Jack.

"Always here for you, Ange. Get some rest. We'll talk more tomorrow."

★★★★

I left my heart in the car, and I parked it real far So she wouldn't notice or ever gain focus, of who I am

Almost a year and a half had passed since that night, and life had gotten a little easier as time went on, but the scars of the draft still remained, a distant memory that she couldn't seem to shake.

She was now a junior at the University of Minnesota, and her life had taken on a new rhythm. The demands of college hockey, coupled with the growing media attention around her breaking barriers in the sport, had kept her busier than ever.

But tonight, she was trying to take a break from it all.

She was gonna have a boy over.

She sat on the edge of her bed in her dorm room, laughing at something a boy named Aaron had said. They had met in one of her elective classes, a painting class they were both taking for some art credits, and he seemed genuinely nice, a refreshing change from the usual attention she received.

He took her out for a nice dinner, opened all the doors for her, and even paid for their meal, and now they were lounging around in her dorm. Laughter filled the air as he shamelessly flirted with her, tucking her hair behind her ear and whispering about how pretty she was before pressing a gentle kiss to her lips.

A look of an unwanted question took over his expression as he stared at her for a second.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

He blinks for a second, "I'm trying to figure out where I've seen you before, I feel like I've seen your face even before this semester" Her cheeks redden as she brings her knees up to her chest, cheek pressed against her leg. "I don't know what you're talking about," she laughs a little nervously as he squints, obviously picking up on the uncomfortable energy between them.

"You just look so familiar," Aaron insisted, his brow furrowing as he tried to place her, "Wait a minute... You're the Angie Chandler, as in the girl who tried to break into the NHL but didn't get drafted?"

Angie's stomach dropped.

She had hoped he wouldn't recognize her, that for once she could just be a normal college student without the weight of her past hanging over her.

She forced a smile. "Yeah, that's me." "It all makes sense now," he let out a laugh, "I remember watching that video of you after the draft, and thinking about how pretty you were," he said it so casually as if that wasn't the most traumatic moment of her life.

Aaron's expression shifted to a mix of curiosity and something else she couldn't quite place.

"Must be tough, huh? Being good enough to get all that attention but not quite good enough to make it." Her heart sank, and she felt a surge of anger, "excuse me?" He shrugged, seemingly oblivious to the impact of his words. "I mean, it's gotta sting a little, right? All that hype and then... nothing. That's some deep shit."

She already knows that. She lived through the humiliation

Angie stood up from her spot on the bed, her eyes flashing with anger, "You need to leave." "What? Angie, come on. I didn't mean it like that." "I don't care how you meant it. Get out."

Aaron stood up, confusion and annoyance on his face. "Fine. Whatever. I was just being honest." "Get out!" she yelled, pointing to the door.

He left without another word, the door slamming behind him.

A dramatic exit for a man who had just unburied a feeling that she had spent a long time trying to cover up.

Angie stood in the middle of the room for a moment, her chest heaving with emotion as the heels of her palms dug into her eyes to stop the stinging of tears. She felt tears prick at her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.

Not for someone like him.

★★★★

And take me as I come, or I'll take me at all Gonna let you down, gonna lead you lost

Angie remembers every single second and feeling of the moment she got called up to the league.

The feeling of sitting next to her roommate, the two of them working on their sports management presentation as her phone began to ring in her jeans pocket.

She remembers the furrowing of her brows as she looks down at the random number on her screen.

The shakiness of her voice as she finally answered the call.

how she had hesitated for a moment before answering, a quiet "Hello?" followed by a "Hi, is this Evangeline Chandler?" a professional-sounding voice asked. "Yes, this is she." "Ms. Chandler, this is Tom Fitzgerald from the New Jersey Devils. We’ve been following your progress and would like to discuss a potential opportunity with our organization. Would you be available to come out and meet with us later this week?"

Angie's heart skipped a beat at the offer, she sat up straight, her eyes wide with disbelief as she elbowed her roommate, "Are you serious?" "Absolutely. We believe you have a lot of potential here and we’d like to see if you’d be a good fit for our team. We’d like to fly you out this Thursday to discuss this in more detail."

Angie was at a loss for words.

She looked at Taylor, who was watching her with a curious expression, clearly sensing something big was happening.

"Um, yes, I can definitely come out. Thank you so much for this opportunity." "Great. Our team will email you the details shortly. We look forward to meeting you, Ms. Chandler." "Thank you. I look forward to it too." Angie hung up the phone, her hands trembling. She turned to Taylor, her face a mixture of shock and excitement as the tears began to run down her cheeks.

she needed to call her parents, to call Wllen and Jim, to speak to everyone who had helped her get to this point in her life

"What is it?" Taylor asked as she ditched the project sitting in front of them.

Angie took a deep breath, trying to steady herself, "That was the New Jersey Devils. They want to fly me out to talk about a potential spot on the team." Taylor's eyes widened, and then a huge grin spread across her face before she flung herself into Angie's arms, "Oh my God, Ange! That's incredible!"

"I know!" Angie practically shouted, the reality of the situation starting to sink in. "I can't believe this is happening!" Taylor pulled back, holding Angie's shoulders and looking her in the eyes. "You deserve this. You've worked so hard, and you're amazing. This is just the beginning."

Angie looked down at her phone, her screen blowing up with texts from Quinn, Luke, and Jack.

Angie felt tears of joy welling up in her eyes, "I don't even know what to say. I'm just... so happy."

She especially remembers how spent the next hour calling her parents, the Hughes', and the coaches she was still in touch with. Angie was finally accomplishing her dreams, and there wasn't a person out there who she wasn't gonna tell, she needed people to know she was truly enough.

★★★★

And darling, I mean well, I won't leave 'til I'm gone I'm the maker of hell, burn every bridge I've known

Amanda Stein, the Devils’ dedicated reporter, had seen many players come and go through the organization. But today was different.

Today, she was sitting down with Evangeline Chandler. The first woman to be seriously considered for a spot on the New Jersey Devil's roster.

The excitement in the air was palpable as she set up her equipment and prepared her notes. Angie, as she preferred to be called, was an extraordinary athlete with an inspiring story.

Angie walked into the room, her nerves carefully masked by a determined smile. She wore a sharp, professional outfit, yet her eyes held a warmth that made her instantly approachable.

Amanda stood up to greet her.

“Hi, Angie. I’m Amanda Stein. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” “Hi, Amanda. The pleasure is mine,” Angie replied, shaking her hand firmly before taking a seat.

Once they were both settled, Amanda turned on the recorder and smiled reassuringly at Angie. “Let’s just have a conversation. I want to hear your story.” Angie nodded, taking a deep breath. “Sounds good. Where should we start?” Amanda glanced at her notes briefly. “Let’s start with the last few years. I know they’ve been a rollercoaster for you.”

Angie laughed softly, nodding. “That’s an understatement. It’s been quite a journey.” “Can you walk us through it? From the draft disappointment to now?” Angie leaned back in her chair, her gaze distant for a moment as she recalled the past. “Sure. Well, not being drafted was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I had put everything into preparing for that moment, and when it didn’t happen, it felt like my world had crumbled.”

She paused, collecting her thoughts. “I questioned everything—my abilities, my future, whether or not I even belonged in the sport anymore. But, as time went on, I realized that setbacks don’t define you. It’s how you respond to them that matters.”

Amanda nodded, her pen moving swiftly across her notebook. “How did you respond?” “I threw myself into college hockey,” Angie said. “I wanted to prove to myself that I still had what it took, and I just wanted to play more hockey. I worked harder than ever before, both on and off the ice. I also had an incredible support system—my family, friends, and coaches. Not to mention the girls on the team, they really had been my rocks while I was dealing with the come down from the draft. They never let me give up on myself.”

“And now, here you are, on the verge of potentially making NHL history. How does that feel?” “It feels surreal,” Angie admitted, her eyes lighting up. “But it’s also incredibly motivating. I know I have a lot to prove—not just to the Devils, but to myself and to everyone who’s ever doubted me. I want to show that I deserve this spot, and I’m ready to work harder than ever to make New Jersey proud.”

“What would you say has been the biggest lesson you’ve learned throughout this journey?” Angie thought for a moment. “Resilience. Life is going to knock you down, and sometimes it’s going to knock you down hard. But you have to get back up. You have to keep fighting and be willing to put in the work, no matter how tough it gets.”

Amanda nodded, sensing the passion in Angie’s voice, “What do you hope to achieve if you make the team?” “I hope to inspire others,” Angie said without hesitation. “I want young girls to see that they can achieve anything they set their minds to, regardless of the obstacles. I want to be a role model, not just in how I play, but in how I present myself both on and off the ice.”

Amanda smiled warmly, “You’re already well on your way to doing just that, Angie. Is there anything you’d like to say to the Devils’ fans?” Angie turned to the camera, her expression sincere. “I want to thank everyone for their support. It means the world to me. I promise that I will give everything I have to this team. I’m here to work hard, to learn, and to help bring success to New Jersey. Thank you for believing in me.”

Amanda closed her notebook and turned off the recorder. “Thank you, Angie. That was wonderful.” “Thank you, Amanda. I appreciate the opportunity to share.”

★★★★

And take me as I come, or don't take me at all I'm gonna let you down, I'm gonna lead you lost

The air in the Prudential Center was electric the night of her first game. Fans packed the stands, waving red and black Devils flags and cheering loudly.

Angie Chandler stood in the tunnel, her heart pounding in her chest. Tonight was the night she had dreamed about for years—her first NHL game.

And it wasn't just any game; it was against the New York Rangers, the Devils' fierce rivals.

Angie adjusted her helmet, trying to steady her nerves. She glanced over to Jack and Jesper, who smiled at her widely and gave her pats of encouragement on the head. She took a deep breath and skated out onto the ice, the roar of the crowd echoing in her ears as she completed her rookie lap, confidently waving to the crowd as she looked around at the thousands of people in the stands. The spotlight followed her, illuminating her as she took her position at center ice before the rest of the team came out behind her.

The game started with a fast pace, both teams eager to establish dominance.

Angie felt the adrenaline surge through her veins as she skated hard, keeping up with the intense speed of the game. This was unlike any hockey game she had ever played before. Her focus was razor-sharp, her eyes scanning the ice for any opportunity to make a play, to prove herself.

Midway through the first period, Angie found herself in a pivotal moment in the game. Jack passed her the puck from the blue line, and she intercepted it cleanly. She glanced up, seeing an opening. With a burst of speed, she charged towards the Rangers' net, her stick handling the puck with precision. The defensemen closed in on her, but she deked around one, then another, and found herself one-on-one with the goalie.

Time seemed to slow down.

Angie took a quick breath, pulled her stick back, and snapped a shot. The puck sailed past the goalie's glove and into the top corner of the net.

The red light flashed, and the crowd erupted in a deafening cheer. Angie's teammates swarmed her, their faces lit up with excitement.

She had scored her first NHL goal.

Jack slammed her into the board a grin on his face as an excited cheer left his mouth as he hugged her before another teammate slammed into the side of them, and then another, and another, before all of them headed to the bench.

This is what she was meant to be doing with her life, she thought to herself as she came back to reality and looked around at the rowdy crowd. This was worth the fight.

★★★★

Darling, I mean well, I won't leave 'til I'm gone I'm the maker of hell, Burn every bridge I've known

The first season had been a whirlwind.

Many ups and downs, many media dilemmas and challenges, but also so many amazing memories. This was a dream that she wasn't willing to wake up from.

The New Jersey Devils had made it to the playoffs, and though they didn't win the Stanley Cup, Angie’s contributions were undeniable.

The off-season had arrived, bringing a much-needed break which meant in just a few short days she be back in Texas with her parents for a few weeks, then Europe for a short vacation, and then back to Michigan for training.

But for the time being Angie was in New Jersey, giving back to the hockey community for the last time in her rookie season. Today she was at a community event hosted by the Devils, where fans could meet their favourite players, get autographs, and take pictures.

As she stood near a booth, signing autographs and chatting with fans, she noticed a little girl in a Devils jersey standing off to the side, clutching a poster of Angie. The girl looked shy, her eyes wide with admiration as Angie smiled and waved her over.

"Hi there! What's your name?" Angie asked as the girl approached hesitantly. "I'm Lily," the girl replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "It's nice to meet you, Lily. Would you like me to sign your poster?"

Lily nodded eagerly, handing over the poster and a shiny gold Sharpie, Angie signed it, adding a little heart next to her name. She handed it back to Lily, who beamed with excitement.

"Thank you!" Lily exclaimed, her shyness momentarily forgotten. "You're my favourite player. I want to be just like you when I grow up."

Angie felt a lump form in her throat. She knelt down to be at eye level with Lily, her heart swelling with pride and emotion. "That's wonderful, Lily. Do you play hockey?" Lily nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! I'm on a team, and I play forward, just like you. I want to be as good as you someday."

Angie smiled warmly as Lily slipped one of the friendship bracelets on her wrist and handed it over to Angie, "that's amazing. Keep practicing, work hard, and never give up on your dreams." Lily's eyes sparkled with determination. "I will! My mom says you're a trailblazer. What does that mean?"

Angie chuckled softly as she ran her fingers the her hair, "It means that I'm one of the first to do something, and hopefully, it makes it easier for others to follow. I want to show girls like you that you can do anything, even if it seems impossible." Lily nodded, her expression serious. "I'm going to be a trailblazer too, just like you."

Angie felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes, she reached out and gently squeezed Lily's hand. "I know you will be, Lily. And I'll be cheering you on every step of the way."

Lily threw her arms around Angie in a spontaneous hug, catching her off guard. Angie hugged her back, feeling a deep sense of fulfillment.

This moment.

This connection made everything worth it—the challenges, the setbacks, the hard work. She had inspired someone, and that was the greatest victory of all.

#neveragodau!!#nico x angie #nico hischier x reader #new jersey devils x reader #nico hischier #jack hughes x reader #nico hischier x oc #quinn hughes x oc

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