#it was hell. and we called so many ppl and even visited my grandpa (dad's dad) who sucks just as much as he does

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

nevermind the fact that building confidence not only takes years but it takes a mind/constitution capable of the sort of strength of character that i just simply am not able to produce yet. hard to build confidence when you feel inadequate around literally everyone and like a burden for even existing... like dgmw i have a lot of problems i need to address in order to become fine with the oneness of human existence because i'm probably the most codependent person who hides away from people all day that i've ever heard of. it's not surprising i'm like this given that i wasn't really raised to be. open and giving and confident in any way. and i was raised (and continue to be since i view my childhood as not having ended yet NOT BECAUSE i'm "incapable" of being an adult but because i am still constantly talked down to and treated as a child bc i live with my father) in an environment where chaos is rampant and yet, somehow, avoided. my dad is a narcissistic (overused, but accurate) abusive alcohol hoarder who controls nearly every detail of my life including cutting off my access to the outside world (friends, not that i have many i can actually visit, anyways) but also my ability to simply leave the house, to take care of myself (the only shower *THAT WORKS* is connected to my mom and dad's bedroom), and he doesn't even let us clean the house so my life is essentially just a disgusting prison that i have no hope of escaping in my current state. and ughhh i've been trying for so long... so hard to make any kind of tangible change in my environment or my mindset and it never takes hold or lasts because nothing ever changes here. it's like the worst time loop movie that you could conceive because it literally never changes and the characters never grow and it never breaks. barring the transient nature of life and the fact that my parents (and i) are slowly but surely growing older... i can't avoid how pathetic it makes me feel that i have to ask my father to teach me how to drive as a favor and he won't even do me the courtesy of considering it or even lying and saying he'll do it eventually. he truly intends to never have me learn to do anything on my own so i'll rely on him until he dies because that is his ultimate form and exercising of control. i know there should be other options but, at the risk of sounding childish or naive, i don't want to do anything that would put the people i hold dear in danger. i still love my brother and mom (despite. everything) and i know for a fact nothing will ever change simply because i told my mom about my brother molesting me when i was like 8/9(?) and nothing ever came of it and we just never talk about it. i'm never even gonna try to broach that topic with my BROTHER because i'm almost certain it would drive him to kill himself because he's already so fragile (since he's 7 years older than me and stuck in the exact same situation i am. if i feel pathetic, just imagine how he feels lmao.) and i'm so used to protecting him from my vitriol and anger and hatred that i just couldn't stomach losing him over something like that DESPITE. EVERYTHING. my mom is the person i adore most in the entire world and i hate badmouthing her but she is very self-important and self-serving, even though she is so kindhearted and genuine and loving. she has no idea how to handle my emotions, so i have to control myself and hold myself back if i ever want to have an emotional outburst. but i usually don't feel the need unless i'm alone because i'm the only person who understands me and gets what i need. i've made the mistake of crying for hours around her before and getting, essentially, the cold shoulder because she has no idea what to do for me or how to make it better so she doesn't even try and it's HEARTBREAKING to even say that because she is THE PERSON i would go to for anything if i had the choice and i CAN'T because my emotions are too big for anyone to even understand. i know i'm just wallowing atp but i truly don't know what to do or how to fix this lol

[raccooncityaliens]

Tagged by @annamarcellie ! Thank you!

🌻rules: once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag.

🌻LAST…

1. Drink: Coffee, still morning for me

2. Phone Call: The local crisis center (they called me)

3. Text Message: Uhhh the library telling me my books are late

4. Song You Listened To: Marina and The Diamonds - Froot

5. Time You Cried: Um... I cried a lot on Friday but don’t even remember if I’ve cried after that

🌻 HAVE YOU EVER…

6. Dated Someone Twice: Uhhh kinda, and that would apply for the last two of my lovers before H....... oop

7. Been Cheated On: Yeah, I don’t think there was actual sex involved but

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: Impulse control crap so yes

9. Lost someone special: Not to death but otherwise yes

10. Been depressed: Got first diagnosed at 13 so lmao yes

11.Gotten drunk and thrown up: Too many times....... You’d think one would learn

🌻 LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS…

12. Purple

13. Dark teal? what are color names

14. In general I navigate towards black and grays but let’s say muted greens

🌻 IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15. Made new friends: Yes!! Amazing

16. Fallen out of love: No

17. Laughed until you cried: Yes, the worst was around Christmas when we were playing a word board game with sis and I thought I was going to choke and die because I laughed too hysterically........ still funny tho

18. Found out someone was talking about you: No...! Not including my fiancée. But I’m pretty sure someone’s spreading shit because people are being weird.

19. Met someone who changed you: Yes

20. Found out who your true friends are: I think I’ll see soon

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yah sure

🌻 GENERAL…

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Almost everyone who lives/lived in Finland

23. Do you have any pets: Not really but I’m an adoptive parent to a hamster grandpa

24. Do you want to change your name: Legally yeah

25. What did you do for your last birthday: That is a hell of a question....... I think sis was in town and we spent time with mom?

26. What time did you wake up today: Around 9:30 which is really weird

27. What were doing at midnight last night: Getting ready for bed

28. Name something you cannot wait for: Mass Effect Andromeda, getting more money, our handfasting

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: Friday evening

30. What is one thing that you could change about your life:  H getting healthy..... or at least getting healthier and more time here on Earth. Also less intense mental illnesses would be gr8. Also top surgery.

31. What are you listening to right now: More Marina, currently Girls

32. Have you ever talked to someone named Tom: No, actually

33. Something that gets on your nerves: People telling me that being positive fixes everything

34. Most visited website: Just really tumblr. Then fb, youtube. Or maybe google really, I google a lot of stuff.

35. Elementary: School? Uhhh how would these translate into Finnish school system.... Trauma period continued but I didn’t realize it at a time

36. Secondary: More trauma, mental illness hitting full force

37. College: I’m at uni but it would be gr8 if I had more spoons and less..... illness

38. Hair colour: Two shades of brown because my undyed roots are like half of my hair

39. Long or short hair: Short

40. Do you have a crush on someone: Yes *v* tho I think we’re far past the crush stage already

41. What do you like about yourself: I try my best to be a decent human being

42. Piercings: Ears, one stretched, labret, tongue, helix, navel

43. Blood type: B+

44. Nicknames: Ppl just call me Luka or Karo

45. Relationship Status: ENGAGED

46. Zodiac sign: Taurus sun, aquarius moon.

47. Pronouns: They/them. He/him works too but not always.

48. fav Tv show: at this exact moment: Hannibal always, Star Trek TOS always. Just got into Skam tho

49. Tattoos: Kenaz on my right ring finger

50. Right or left handed: Right

🌻 FIRST…

51. Surgery: I’ve actually never had surgery miraculously enough

52. Piercing: Well ears when I was like 7, but labret.

53. Best friend: Was this piece of crap girlie but first real bff @murdercutie

54. Sport: Uhhhhhh........ Dance? Badminton?

55. Vacation: France when I was like 2. Dad’s friend lived there.

56. Pair of trainers: I have literally no idea

🌻 RIGHT NOW…

57. Eating: Nothiiing I should have breakfast

58. Drinking: More coffee.......

59. i’m about to: ....Drink coffee........

60. listening to: Forgot to put music back on, thanks

61. waiting for: My brain to wake up

62. want: MoONEeeyyy

63. get married: Yah in the summer !

64. career: I’m a student in theory lmao not gonna get a single credit this year. Hope to be a researcher at some point, unless I find another cool job in my field.

🌻 WHICH IS BETTER…

65. hugs or kisses: Hugs actually

66. lips or eyes: Eyess I guess

67. shorter or taller: Shorter so I can feel tol

68. older or younger: Idgaf, H is younger

69. romantic or spontaneous: Romantic? And spontaneous to a limit too

70. nice arms or nice stomach: Either way!

71. sensitive or loud: Sensitive def

72. hook up or relationship: Relationship always and forever, hook ups have been terrible for me

73. troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker 8>

🌻 HAVE YOU EVER…

74. kissed a stranger: Yep

75. drank hard liquor: Ooh yes

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: Well colored contacts yeah

77.  turned someone down: Yup

78. sex on first date: :)))))

79. broken someone’s heart: Maaaaybe? Once maybe?

80. had your own heart broken: Shattered to fucking pieces

81.  been arrested: Nope

82. cried when someone died: Nobody in my social circle has died. When my dog died yes tho. For... weeks.

83. fallen for a friend: Yeeees

🌻 DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84. yourself: Idk like in what way? But no I have BPD

85. miracles: I want to

86. love at first sight: I was like definite nope but now I’m like.... well, shit

87. santa claus: Well not in that sense

88. kiss on the first date: Sure

89. angels: I think they exist but I don’t really work with them

🌻 OTHER…

90. current best friend’s name: Katariina still!

91. eye colour: Like amber or something. Or brown or green. Who knows really.

92. favourite movie: I can’t choose????

I don’t want to tag anyone specifically but mutuals do this!!