#it really shows how antithetical their views are to genuine women's rights advocacy

[beaft]

today i went through my wardrobe in my childhood room and got rid of a bunch of clothes that i haven't worn for years. i used to dress very manic-pixie-dream-girl: lots of pastels and polka dots, glitter and sequins and ribbons and ruffles, babydoll dresses, rainbow knee socks, candy bracelets, trainers that lit up and flashed when i walked.

i got a little sad while i was bundling it all into boxes - i guess because a part of me still loves those clothes, even though they don't feel like me anymore. transition has been good for me and hard for me in equal measure, because it's forced me to examine who i am beyond my appearance. as a teenager, i was very wedded to the idea of being small and cute and elfin and non-threatening, and i got a lot of euphoria whenever people viewed or described me that way.

but was it a healthy sort of euphoria? some of it was connected to poor body image - i was terrified of being fat, terrified of looking ugly. i don't know if it's good to tie your identity and your happiness to something as ephemeral as prettiness. sometimes the things that make you happy aren't necessarily the things that are best for you. being told that i looked "fragile" made me happy once, but that doesn't mean it was good for me to hear.

when it comes down to it, i think my ultimate goal is to be myself, utterly myself, and for my sense of self-worth to be divorced from other people's opinions. i want to abandon my desire for the approval of strangers. it's the difference between an uncomfortable, itchy designer outfit that you only wear because it gets you compliments, and a boring, comfortable sweatshirt that smells like home.