#it just wasn't a mentality that saved him... god that screws me up. so many thoughts.

[averlym]

a word to the wise sometimes the only true rest is looking beyond what you thought was success

so true! adamandi is full of wise advice such as this, including: "and you'll never feel better if you - fucking die- you stupid ass!"

[rubberduckyrye]

You know it really irks me that people think that Scaramouche's emotional problems were due to the fact he didn't have like, proper ways to cope with the loss and grief he felt in his life.

Like. Buddy, chum, pal. That was NOT why he had emotional and behavioral problems.

Despite being abandoned by his mother, Scaramouche (As Kabukimono) DID find happiness in a new family with the miners. He loved them so dearly, and he found a home with them. Had he just lived with the miners with no incident, he would have found value in himself and not take his mother's abandonment of him so harshly.

I think people think that his anger towards the little boy for dying means he doesn't know how to cope with loss or grief, but that's really not the case at all--after all, the whole Tatarasuna incident meant that people were dying from the start of it.

Scaramouche was watching his family die to the poison released by the furnace and smelting the crystal marrow. He saw people try to make it to Inazuma City to speak with the Shogun only to never return, making him feel the need to go out to seek an audience with her himself. He wanted to save everyone on that island, yes--but people still died before he even left.

I think what people fail to realize is that it wasn't death that fucked him up mentally (though I bet you it played a part), but it was the perceived betrayal of the miners and Niwa specifically that really screwed with his trust and sense of self worth.

Nahida's fairy tale implies that Dottore had told Scaramouche that because he was the only inhuman one among them, that he was chosen to sacrifice himself to stop the furnace from polluting the island even further. Dottore convinced him that the family who said they loved him and accepted him weren't genuine, and that they wanted to sacrifice him to save themselves because what better use of a doll, right?

Then we have what Dottore fooled Scaramouche into believing in regards to Niwa--how Niwa allegedly maliciously twisted Kabukimono's purest wish of having a heart of his own into something so cruel and distorted, and tbh, quite gory and gruesome. Again, someone who said he was one of them and who said they loved him was painted to be malicious and traitorous in Scaramouche's eyes.

So then, if Scaramouche's emotions don't stem from death, why did he consider the boy's death a "betrayal"?

Well, because of a few reasons.

The boy flat out lied to him, even if unknowingly. The boy said that he wasn't going to die like his parents, and that they would be together forever. I don't think Scaramouche believed that the boy would live forever, as he has experiences with death--but he believed that the illness the boy had would pass. It clearly did not. This ties in to his trauma with Dottore lying to him about the miners--about how humans lied to him and betrayed his trust.

The betrayal was projected onto the boy because it was he who died, but in reality, Scaramouche probably considers his three betrayals like so: The first betrayal being a Betrayal of the Gods, the second Betrayal being the Betrayal of humans, and the third being the Betrayal of the world--and himself. Scaramouche saw this sweet innocent boy who did nothing wrong and watched him die to an illness that had no business killing so many humans--and he felt like he failed to save this innocent soul from the cruel world that just wanted to make him suffer. Scaramouche foolishly believed in the world one final time, to believe this boy who did nothing wrong, and was hurt once again for it.

So yeah. I think it's less about the coping mechanisms (or lack thereof) or Scaramouche being young as Kabukimono and not understanding how to process death--because that's not what his betrayals were about. They are betrayals after all--not vague death trauma.

[nysus-temple]

ULTRAKILL's Greek Folklore references (2)

Aaaye remember this post? Let's say Sisyphus already came out as a boss and I have quite a bunch of stuff to talk about. I'll focus only on him since everything else was covered in the previous essay.

Just like in the previous essay, BEFORE YOU GO DOWN this is, to no one's surprise, filled with spoilers. While it's true that lore in this game is secondary, if you wanna learn it by yourself when playing it, then save this reading for later. ULTRAKILL is avaible at Steam, it's filled with blood, but it's still a masterpiece, me thinks.

· Small Introduction:

There's many people out there who have already talked about everything that reminds them of the Divine Comedy regarding the game, besides the fact that it takes inspiration in DMC too; but almost no one seems to notice the details that reference Greek folklore, and it's true that they are not THAT important, most likely i'm just imagining references in places where there are actually none, but this is what brainrot does to a girl who- well, is a classical philology student lmao. So wether they are true or not, i'll still will write this thing down or else i'll explode with my thoughts.

· ULTRAKILL's King Sisyphus:

"King Sisyphus has acted in secret until now, amassing an army whose strength and numbers swell, but now there is no need to hide anymore. We have lived in the shadow of Heaven long enough to forget the taste of fear. Now the Sisyphean Insurrectionists prepare for war.

❝ I have heard of Minos beginning a peaceful revolution, but our King Sisyphus knows such pacificity will gain no favor from our cruel captors. He knows that one can only fight power with power, and he shall lead us to freedom.❞

^ Text from a book found in the second level of the Greed Layer.

If you remember Minos' lore, Minos instead decided to do a peaceful revolution, building his own shenanigans in the Lust Layer, but Sisyphus didn't think the same way; he decided to do a revolution too, but it was anything but peaceful.

❝ The Sisyphean Insurrectionists were an army of Husks gathered and trained by King Sisyphus for overthrowing Heaven's control of Hell, freeing the sinners from their eternal torment. […]

Upon the establishment of the Council and subsequent return of peace to Heaven, Gabriel and an army of angels were sent down to crush the insurrection and subjugate Sisyphus' army.

Although their battle was well-fought, the inexperienced Insurrectionist could not match the educated strategy of the angels, who quickly descended upon King Sisyphus with great force, eventually overpowering and killing him, leaving the Insurrectionists without a chain of command.

Left scattered and disoriented, the warriors were easily picked off one by one, their bodies cut apart, leaving behind only the bare essentials to carry on their eternal punishment of hauling heavy boulders up the monuments of mankind's arrogance and greed.

Although the blood of their enemies still stains their bodies and their grasp still clutches their fallen foes, their will and fierce fury only serve as mental torment in knowing how close they were to freedom.❞

^ Terminal data of the Sisyphean Insurrectionists in the game

The Insurrectionists mantain Greek Sisyphus' original punishment, carrying a rock up to the top of a mountain ( n the game, a pyramid) that will eventually fall down again.

(Greek amphora of Sisyphus pushing the rock in the Underworld, meanwhile, Persephone watches over him, making sure that he does not try to avoid his punishment. [Yes the dick is out.])

Now, more interesting details… Greek King Sisyphus wasn't that much liked by the gods since he, wellp, cheated death a couple times and... Screwed up a lot of times too. For context:

(Apollodorus - Bibliotheca) He murdered his guests, which was seen as extremelly horrible since one of the main important things in Ancient Greece was hospitality. And a king who murders his guests isn't that good of a host.

They sent Death (Θάνατος [Thanatos]) to catch him for this main reason. But Sisyphus tricked him and captured him. And since Death being captured meant no people dying, Ares then went to go and stop Sisyphus.

Knowing he was gonna be killed, Sisyphus asked his wife to not give his corpse a proper funeral, and instead to throw him away. After this, he lied to the gods and manipulated them, telling either Persephone or Hades (or both) that his wife disrespected him by not giving him a proper funeral, and they allowed his soul to go back to his corpse.

After Sisyphus had died of old age, is when his punishment starts. He commited so many crimes and yet, the way he felt was never spoken. Even blind and old in the Underworld, he would continue his punishment.

Greek Sisyphus was thrown into the Underworld with a punishment and Greek Minos was turned into a Judge of the Underworld; in this game, Minos' corpse is still used as some kind of Judge… More or else, as I said before. Meanwhile, Sisyphus corpse isn't used at all, it is just imprisoned, with no head, even. Perhaps that has something to do with the Greek Sisyphus being punished instead of turning into a Judge of Hell, or similar, like the Greek Minos was?

Oh, by the way, unlike Minos being blind being due to him being a Judge and Justice is blind; Sisyphus was blinded by greed, so he literally is blinded by gold. Just like how the Greek Minos was a Judge as well, and Greek Sisyphus was a greedy king who killed guests in his palace in order to get their goods, a violation of guest-obligations in Ancient Greece.

❝ To him, fighting an impossible battle with full knowledge of its futility and taking joy in just the act of resistance itself is the ultimate rebellion against the oppressor. ❞

^ Terminal data of Sisyphus' Prime in the game.

"Ah… So concludes the life and times, of King Sisyphus. A fitting end, to an existence defined by futile struggle. Doomed, from the very start. And I don't regret a SECOND of it!" — Sisyphus Prime final lines after being defeated by the player.

Both Greek Sisyphus and ULTRAKILL's Sisyphus are cunning, in Homer's Iliad he's described as the most cunning of the greeks, before Odysseus takes that title. (And, fun fact, Odysseus is considered Sisyphus' son by many tragedy authors! If you remember my other ULTRAKILL essay, you'll remember how I considered the Wrath layer to be an Odyssey reference). In the Odyssey, Sisyphus' punishment is described, but we don't exactly know how he feels. Does he feel regret? Does he not? We can suppose that he does, since that punishment is... Yeah, tiring. But those are just assumptions, so, who knows, perhaps he does not regret anything, just like ULTRAKILL's Sisyphus.

It's true that ULTRAKILL's Sisyphus is most likely based on later-on depictions of the myth, philosophical interpretations and such, but that's not my job, I just ramble.

In any case, Greek Sisyphus even tricked the divine, and ULTRAKILL's Sisyphus fought the divine.

In the end, we can't see none of the two Sisyphus' faces during their punishment, and yet... ❝ One must imagine Sisyphus happy.❞

[mcl38]

it's mostly the delusional shippers that turned me off "carlando."

after qatar when he was being all dramatic and doubting himself, there were full on essays weird carlando shippers were writing about how he clearly just wasn't ready to lead a team and still needed carlos to guide him and encourage him before his mental health spiraled or something idek. like what the everliving fuck do you mean he's not "ready to lead a team?" the guy fucked up and he knew it, yeah maybe was a little too self-critical but he took accountability for his error, he was right there to congratulate and support his teammate despite those feelings, etc. it genuinely amazes me how whenever a teammate outperforms lando we start getting these he's "not ready to lead" or he's "a shit teammate" accusations because those are genuinely the moments where his being a team player shines through for me. he's had a few opportunities now, with basically every f1 teammate he's had, where he could have been a shit team player and gone off to sulk and cry, yet he's been there supporting and celebrating with the team even in those moments.

but idk there's something so infantilizing about people acting like lando needs carlos to function or depends on him to know his worth or talent or abilities. and i'm sure carlos encouraging lando in his rookie year did play an important role in his development, but one of my fave things has been seeing him come to terms with his imposter syndrome and struggles and finding healthy ways of combating and coping with that and genuinely believing in himself. like i don't think these people realize mental health is not just something one person is going to come along and fix - and i think as evidenced by andrea stella's statements on how they were going to try to find ways to help lando spin some of that self-criticism into healthier mindset - that's a continuous battle and something lando himself will have to deal with, to some extent, likely throughout his career. carlos whispering "omg ur so talented mi vida" or whatever these people fantasize about isn't going to do shit for lando after he's screwed up and is punishing himself for it. like idk i'm just not a fan of this lando "damsel in distress who needs carlos to save him" narrative so many carlando people push. he's proven he's more than capable, why the hell people still look at him in any context - whether personally or professionally - and think he needs carlos to function/survive beats me

so like firstly anon u make me feel so lucky that ive managed to avoid the majority of carlando content since like 2021. "writing about how he clearly just wasn't ready to lead a team and still needed carlos to guide him and encourage him before his mental health spiraled or something idek" gives me actual hives one of my biggest icks is when a fan of a 'ship' clearly isnt actually a fan of at least one of the individual drivers on their own. rly theyre just infatuated with whatever collective fantasy of a relationship theyve bought into, and while shipping drivers absolutely does not imply you're unable to confront reality on its own, i do think theres a correlation between intense (read: irl rather than just rpf) shipping culture and absolute delusion about what a driver is like (so when the driver shows their true colours its shock horror hate)

anyways god those r some insane takes about qatar. i do find it funny retrospectively how landos biggest narrative flop was literally a p3 sprint p3 race and ppl acted like he was in p13 getting lapped by oscar. i also think qatar was an obvious demonstration that lando CAN lead the team, and sustain a relationship w his teammate. and he can do those things WELL at that. a pettier person wouldnt have congratulated oscar as much as he did. oscar doesnt even count his sprint win as a win, but lando does - again, a pettier person would go pedantic about the sprint format and refuse to acknowledge it. but he didn't - despite clearly feeling his Feelings the whole weekend, he manned up (unlike someone else that week lmao) and held his head high, smiling for the journos and placating them when they were concerned abt how self-critical he was. i respect and admire him so much for that. thats my guy

yeah the one thing we saw return w a vengeance that week was the self-flagellation - a thing thats not only very much NOT new, but also that landos talked about at length. like hes been SAYING this, this is the main thing he talks about every time he talks about mental health, which is a lot (bless him). this is like when ariana grande wrote a song called 'break up with ur girlfriend im bored' and then years later she broke up a married couple and her fans were like gasp what did this evil hag do how dare she like my beloveds she TOLD YOU. she TOLD you she was like this why did you not LISTEN.

anyways you say some downright beautiful things about lando and his development that i wholeheartedly agree with. "one of my fave things has been seeing him come to terms with his imposter syndrome and struggles and finding healthy ways of combating and coping with that and genuinely believing in himself" is SO true and correct bc like YEAH this is a journey he's been talking about and trying REALLY hard at. this is gonna sound kinda perverse but i think his 2023 challenge is like... unrosberging himself. i think he (following in the footsteps of nico, wait, let me expand on this) took the easy way out of his intense self-doubt and self-criticism: that is, he bought into the (unsustainable) strategy that if he just doesn't make any mistakes, he'll get rid of his impostor syndrome and be mentally healthy. lmao. so its easy for him to look back at 2019 now and be like 'i was way too stressed about being a bad driver but i was just a rookie, i had room to learn, see im better now, no stress', but when he DOES make an error nowadays, i don't think he's quite yet reached the level of stability where he can rly take that on the chin. which, as u say, is SO normal, bc stuff like this is such a continuous battle (i should fucking know my therapist tells me that every session lmao).

its just that the one thing carlandos or other ppl who consume f1 media in similar ways is that carlos comforting him is so not what lando needs or what he'll get either. landos worked w a legit sports psychologist for a while, and he's got jon who clearly actively tries to document himself on how to deal w mental health issues in athletes, and mclaren has just added a team psychologist to their paddock crew, AND like u mentioned, andrea said he'll try to find other ways to help lando mitigate his self-doubt. if anything, carlos whispering sweet nothings to lando (if we entertain the hypothesis n all) will only aggravate him further. not only do i know this from personal experience of how i (a known self-flagellator) respond to that kinda stuff, but he's also like famously rly unreceptive to ppl understating bad situations ("well, the only way is up, isn't it lando?" "n-no, actually, for us it's also down" and all the other extremely funny pressers at the beginning of 2022, esp in australia where everyone was trying to convince him the car was suddenly way better when it was just track-specific performance). AND we also know almost verbatim from carlos (the only f1 driver whos ever spoken abt the less camera-ready aspects of landos personality) that he does Not know what to do w lando when landos in a funk. i rmbr theres this bit in one of the last interviews they did together, that retrospective one, where carlos was talking about landos moods, when he gets quiet and crabby, and how he couldnt get through to him, and it was like lando was a completely diff person. but, yk, whatever serves ppls fantasies ig

so like yeah i absolutely absolutely agree w you that especially within the carlando dynamic theres this super nasty damsel-in-distress element. i think it probably started as ppl projecting onto lando's anxieties and wanting a big strong man with a sexy accent telling them everythings gonna be alright (which so fair), but bc lando wears his failures and deficiencies on his sleeve as a defence mechanism (known fan of low expectations, wants to preempt anyone saying he's shit by saying it himself, this goes from his painful-to-watch post-quali self-criticism to his aggressive anti-intellectualism in general knowledge quizzes) then its so easy for the fandom to characterise him as a hopeless mess, weepy, stressed out, needing someone to come fix shit around him. if lando himself knew this, considering how independent he is, i think he'd have an anneurism lmao. bc like it IS infantilising as well (a pattern w lando). and disrespectful. and dismissive. and w an implication that they dont like lando for his qualities, but for the stuff thats wrong with him, so they can imagine someone making it right and completing the narrative.

and all this over a mess-up in quali that he still converted to a podium. jesus christ. being a lando fan is genuinely exhausting fr

[el-dibidibidorado1]

Untamed pt.2

Summery: Y/n works at Tom's Diner as a waitress, but what happens when one of her co workers saves her life.

A/n: Well I really have nothing to say but to enjoy this new chapter. It was really tough to write, but if there is any problems or concerns please, pretty please message me and i will do my best to fix it. BYE BYE BYE!!!

Warnings: Language 

Parings: Bucky x Y/n 

"Y/n it is 8! You are going to be late!"

"I'm going!" My day off went over my head fast that the sandman never arrived at my house. Honestly, i just spent them staring at the wrapped Adam presents that I got for him for Christmas. I can't return them, can i?

"Y/n!" My brother yelled at me and his Bigfoot feet stomped upstairs. He blew open my door and began pulling me out.

"Come On! I'm going to be late!"

"Shut up! " I take my arm out of his grasp and kiss my mother goodbye.

"Edward! Kiss your mother goodbye!" She yells.

Ed runs and gives her a quick kiss and runs out. The both of us sigh with the fact that he's going to come home intoxicated or high. And the thing that troubled me is that my mom is going to attend to his needs. I finally lost my last nerve and was ready to explode.

"You are a piece of shit" I muttered as I got in the car. He turned to look at me with serious look.

"Almost every fucking night you go out to get high or drunk!" I disclosed without hesitation.

"That is my business, not yours."

"It is my business."

"It's not"

"It is. Mom has been taking care of you every time you come home from your night out. You don't even help her or say ‘i appreciate you taking care of me’.  You just come home shit faced Ed and she sacrificed another night for you " I felt the tears coming, and I hated it. I hate that I cry every time I get all emotional. I fucking despise it!

"Just take me to Tom's. I'm going to be late." He might be the oldest one but he acts like child. The conversation never proceeded, and I am glad it didn't. I wouldn't be able to control my mouth if it did. I love him, but he has made many mistakes, a bit more than me. Every one makes mistakes, but Maybe, that is our thing, we both make mistakes for a living.

We arrive and I open to get out when he grabbed me into a bone crushing hug. As my anger took a hike, I was going to hug him back he pushed me out, closed the door and speed off. Oh God, please help him.

I take a few breathers and walk into the Diner taking off my coat and beanie. The Diner was practically empty. Which I didn't mind, at all! Less people to communicate with.

"Hey girl" I felt a light slap on my butt. Rosie.

"Hey craziness" I began cleaning the tables.

"Why you mad again?" She questioned while fixing he lipstick.

"I'm not mad."

"Your face is screwed up like you're mad."

"I'm perturbed, not mad" I put the rag down and looked at her. And she looked at me. Then it became a little staring contest. Which I guess that I won?

"You still look mad" she broke the stare and continues fixing her lips.

"Whatever"

"You wanna talk about it?" She put down her lipstick and took out her miniature hair spray. Where the fuck does she hide all of this?

"No. What's the point. I'm just going to become a crying mess like always and Tom is going to have to get all...Blagh and I don't want to deal with it today."

"All 'Blagh'?" She tried to hold back a laugh.

"You know what I mean!" I throw her the wet rag. That's when I notice that it began soaking her hair and face. I really didn't squeeze all of the water out, did i? I stealthily began to move to the back room to hide. A loud sigh and chuckle came out of her as she began looking for me. I try to hide in the spice closet which was next to the dish washer. Look, I'm a bit chunky so I can't hide in small places. Also, the lay out of the diner was peculiar. So...yeah.

"Where are you, you bitch?" She demanded.

"I just finished fixing my hair and lips! Then ya throw your filthy rag at me?" She got closer to the closet and I push myself farther away from the opening. My nerves are going silly, when Tom, ‘my savior’ called her. Thank you Tom! I wasn't going to get the end of it. I lean back and let the moment pass with a quiet laughter. Then my mind began to ramble on about Ed. No, no, no Y/n. You need to concentrate on work. And making Rosie go nuts with her hair. I laugh once more and slowly come out, when I get startled and scream. God it was the cleaning guy. I guess that I startled him that he jumped, but also winced. We both looked down and found a kitchen knife in his hand.

"Oh God!" I rush over and start to panic waving my hands in the air. He slowly takes out the knife and I began to lose it even more. I scramble to get the First Aid and bring him to the sink

"Come here" my voice quaked. I turn on the faucet and slowly take his hand under the water. I expected him to flinch but he didn't. I quickly glance at him and he gives me a small grin and it makes me calm down.

"I'm so sorry" I said while i was letting the water wipe away all of the blood. I slowly run my thumb over the wound to take away all of the dirt and a sticky substance was on his hands. It wasn't from here, it was like syrup or something.

"Luckily it wasn't a deep cut. You'll live, but if the bleeding doesn't stop ask Jim or Tom to take you to the hospital" God his hand is beautiful.

"Thank you" he whispers and it brought a small smile to my face.

"Anytime. I'm sorry again and I never caught your name. Tom Isn't really a good introduces." I asked while I drying his hand.

"Bucky. Bucky Barnes" he quickly said. I guess he doesn't like to talk. Keep it minimal Y/n. I grabbed the ointment and gently placed some on the wound. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

"Well Bucky, I was wondering what this syrup on your hands is?" I asked quietly. Could help yourself, huh? My nerves get to me and I become a chatter box or completely mute.

"Pine trees. I work where they sell pine trees for Christmas." I looked at him and he had the most angelic ocean blue eyes that I have ever seen. My face became heated and I looked for the bandage. Turning around looking for them like a lost child looking for its guardian. Where are they? I looked on the floor, sink, pocket and they just magically disappear. Where in the hell is it!? I just had it! This is so embarrassing, I just had it! After a few minutes of self-war his left hand came to view with the bandage. He seemed to read my mind or did he just hide them from me? I glanced at him and took them. That's when I notice his left hand had a glove on.

"What's with the glove?" I question and ended up regretting it. Shut up, pleeeeeeease. Why would you ask that!? Why? Why?! WHY?! look darlin he's cute and shit but-but- why?! Just w-

"I don't know, i just like it" he chuckled.

"You don't like them? The pine trees." He was now talking more which made me feel better.

"Oh I love them. You know you smell like a pine tree."

"You don't like the smell or?"

"I love the smell the most. I could just stick a star on your head by how heavenly you smell" YOU FUCKING CREEP. WHY? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? He just chuckled as I tormented myself.

"Do you have one?" I nodded and finally finished wrapping the bandage.

"Why?" He softly touched the bandage.

"We got this stupid artificial tree. Which I completely HATE. I just wish i could throw the fake away and bring back the real one." I said while putting away the first aid.

"Well, all done. Just make sure to check on it." I rub my hands together.

" We should head back to work" he says. I nod and go find Rosie or Caroline.

---------------

Really Barnes?! We should head back to work?! You could have talked to her a bit more about- about- um- ab-about something. You just told her to piss off. I mentally battle myself and bang my hand on the counter making me hiss. 

“‘Bucky clean table 7!” Tom shouted. i grabbed the gray dish container and began heading out, when I see her talking to Rosie.

"Babe?" She hums.

"Why don't you go, give them a piece of your mind?"

"Me?" She had this annoyed look. I put the container on the next table and notice what Rosie was speaking of. Two guys at the cigarette machines kept of hitting and cursing at it, as it swallowed its change. I began cleaning as she came up and asked politely to quit hitting the machine.

"Is it your machine?" The taller one had a siut under his brown coat and short greasy hair. While the short one was bald and has some random jacket with a long sleeve shirt and jeans.

"As a matter of fact, it is. So would you please stop hitting it" her voice was stern as they kicked it one more.

"Is that so?" The short one said and she dangles the keys in front of her. She unlocks the door and pulls the lever to release the one that got stuck and hands it to them.

"This isn't the right one" the taller one says and began to hold in a laugh. I began to get angry.

"Which one?" Her jaw clenched.

"Marlboro" she takes out the package and hands it to them.

"Lights" she sighs and hands him another. I clenched my fist.

"Sorry, sweets menthol" her jaw clenched again and she takes the last package out and they gladly accept them. I feel and hear my arm began to shift and once more do Steve's exercise.

"Thanks" she closed the machine and gives Rosie the keys and the other packages.

"Bucky. What's a matter? Come on, I don't pay you to stand around." Tom clapped his hands infront of my face and I deep inside wanted to punch him. Hold it in Bucky. Just like Steve taught you. I close my eyes and began taking deep breaths.

When I open my eyes both of the guys are on the table next to me. Annoyed, I finish the table and move to the next.

"How may I help you?" Mary asked them.

"Yes. We would like Y/n to wait us" soon as I heard that I slammed my left hand on the table making a huge smack.

"Hey man, you okay over there?" I hear Jim ask. I nod my head and look at the table. Desultory I remove my hand and notice a dent in the table.

"What do you need?" Y/n mellifluous voice reeled me to her.

"How have you been Y/n" the short one asked untoward.

"Do I know you two?" She snapped.

"Don't you remember us? From Tiny Tess party? Halloween? You dressed up as a.....a....you know."

"An Superhero" she mumbled.

"Right a superhero. Well I am Shawn And this here is Howard" the short one introduced themselves.

"Well are you guys going to order or?" She asked impatiently.

"Just two burgers with a milkshake, darlin" he winked and she walked away. There eyes never left her and it bugged the hell out of me. So i followed their sight and they were looking at Y/n' s body. My hand clenched even more that I felt blood leak through.

"Bucky?" I turned to be faced with Y/n. My anger relaxed. How long have I been staring at them? I'm not blacking out again, am i?

"Your hand" she gently holds it and brings me to the nearest faucet. I take in all of her facial expressions, her peach scent, her big e/c eyes and her beautiful lips. She unwrapped the bandage and once again she gently holds it under the faucet.

"Be careful. It's not bleeding as much, so that's g-"

"Table three!" She huffed and looked at me.

"Duty calls. Rosie can you bandage him up. Please" Rosie comes and Y/n washes her hands to go get the food.

"Bunch of jerks, huh" Rosie says. I grunt and look back at Y/n as she takes the food to them.

"She's a tough cookie. She can handle it." She finished the bandage and continues refilling the salt shakers. I still kept my eye on her. Just to be safe.

----------------------

"I'm going home" I told Rosie as I put on my coat and hat.

"Bye baby" Rosie dances over to me and I can't help but laugh.

"Come On girl. Sing with me before you leave" grabbing the bag out of my hands and began moving her hips.

"No" I laughed louder. Midi, Maxi& Efti- Bad bad boys began playing in the background.

"~Bad bad boys come with me, come with me~" she put her hands on my hips and violently moved them back and forth. Now I was crying because of my laughter. I swatted her hands away and grabbed my bag and left.

Looking at my watch it said 3 am. ~Ooohhh the haunting hour~ I laugh by myself. Ah man I'm so lame. I'm half ways my walk home when an old beat up car violently stops next to me. Frighten, i began to walk quicker. The car reverses and I finally see who it is. Those two jackasses from the diner. Fuck me.

Tags: @tnupsweetpie

[everydaychurch]

Beauty from Ashes (Part 2) by Warren. Read pt 1 first

Before I left Detroit the Lord spoke something to me. I was sitting in my pick-up truck waiting to go into my soon to be ending job (Yes God does have a way of speaking to us in ways only we can understand). As I  was offering my prayers to start my work day I heard, in the depths my heart  “Warren, I will restore to you the woman of your youth”. Honestly I was disappointed. I wanted my marriage back. I know now that wasn’t going to happen. I also wondered who this girl could possibly be and questioned if I was just hearing voices. Maybe I was crazy. So after I came home to Seattle, back now for months, with those disastrous dating attempts that resulted in my swearing off dating behind me, I get a text from an old high school girlfriend I friended on Facebook. We talk on online for several months. Since later she had a trip coming up to Seattle from Spokane on vacation I agreed to meet her for coffee. I had sworn off dating and had no intention of a relationship with anyone. Starting any romance other than being friendly was off limits at this point. I had been spending most of my time working on myself and focusing on my relationship with God. A good friend was also walking with me as a helpful counselor and support partner.

As I walked to the meeting place agreed upon (Starbucks) I wasn't the least bit nervous to see my old high school girlfriend Julie. My main goal was to hopefully apologize for being such a bad high school boyfriend. Then out of nowhere the same voice from the year before saying the woman of my youth would be restored to me spoke again. As I walked up to the her table, still maybe 40 feet away, the voice spoke to me again asking  “Can you be married to Julie the rest of your life?”.

 I was a little freaked out. 

However, the presence of God was with us as we caught up on life and we could sense it. The next few days were wonderful as we met again the following Sunday.

Did I mention that when God asked me that question while approaching Julie at Starbucks my first reaction without hesitation was “yes”? 

It was obvious. We dated for a year (300 miles away from each other). We have been married for 4 years. God did promise to renew. Not the way I expected of course but I know everyday of my life Julie is a direct gift from God. He had a plan before I did ( I didn’t have a plan) Julie is by no means my salvation but reuniting with Julie further helped change my perspective on how I see God. This was supernatural as far as I was concerned. Julie is a widow. I don’t think she ever anticipated marriage again so late in life either but I know God is renewing her too and changing her view on the nature and goodness of God as well. 

I have been blessed through work as well. I have gone from $17 an hour to a financial figure I could never remotely anticipated. I have been able to take good care of Julie.She has health concerns and does not work. I can pay the bills and have a nice home and car. I am certainly grateful at that alone;  BUT God was not done yet. 

I was able to share 2 years with my step-daughter Ellie. She is in college now and back in Spokane. I think I did a pretty good job helping Ellie get ready for adult life. I didn’t have to do much. She is very mature and has a strong faith in Jesus. I can honestly say I love her. I am still not, nor was I perfect, but I like to think I didn’t screw it up and am a positive influence. I have incredible in-laws as well. I love them and they love me too. That is such a gift.

I also have a much better relationship with my kids and grand kids. Ministry and church life were rough on them and I didn’t do a very good job of protecting them from the time obligations my position supposedly required. I failed to nurture. I wasn’t giving to them with the attention they needed and deserved. There seems to be a running story of “PK’s” or Pastor’s Kids in culture today as if its a funny joke that the pastor’s children are the trouble makers or the ones that grow up to be the most anti-church or anti-god humans. There is truth in that, but its not humorous. Its a tragedy. You can pass blame on church culture for this, but the reality is that it has nothing to do with church culture. The buck stops with the dad. I was ultimately responsible.

I would like to believe I am a much better dad today because of what I have been through and that my deeper, more accurate view of God has taught me how to love them and treat them with the dignity they deserve and as the wonderful adults they are. If I knew then what I know now I don’t think I would have let my church position take priority. Insecurity, fear, and a mentality of works may have possibly ruined the ability of my children to understand  the truth of God. My prayers are always for them to feel loved and know love from God and for them to truly know Him. Only God can do this and I know God can do this.

My daughters are so precious to me. Not a possession, but unique individuals who have their own purposes, talents, strengths and weaknesses, They are all smart, artistic, passionate for justice, good moms, and hard workers.

Another big surprise of God’s restoration is what happened in November of 2017. We had moved a few miles away from my old church where I was once on staff and where Julie and I  lived across the street previously when we were newlyweds. Julie, Ellie, and myself were looking for and trying churches in our new city. Nothing was sticking. Nothing felt right.

I believe when you find the right church you know it. It will be clear and peaceful. Let me backtrack the story a bit. When I first came home to Seattle in 2013 I ran into my former Senior Pastor’s wife Mary in Safeway. I explained to her how I was divorced now. I used to feel I had to explain this whenever I ran into anyone who knew me before when married the first time. That’s a story in its own right. I rarely even think about having to justify this to anyone anymore. Mary was full of Grace and urged me to come talk with her husband. I thought. “No way is that going to happen”. It didn’t end the way I would have preferred while on staff at this church. Many of the challenges I faced in my role there  were magnified by my lack of maturity and my misunderstanding of the true heart of God. My faith neurosis blemished the good things that were accomplished under my ministry . Like a house on fire I surely never wanted to enter that building again, especially after a divorce from a spouse who was once also on staff there. I am sure my pride had a lot to do with that. Pride fueled by shame.

God can be funny sometimes. He does the unexpected.

Jump back ahead 2 years as Julie, Ellie, and I are church surfing with no success. A persistent voice starts speaking to my heart saying “go talk to Steve” (the pastor). I hear this over, and over, and over again. It doesn’t stop until I set up the eventual appointment. I had a boss once who had a motto when ever there was silence between two people that went like this “Just have a conversation”  We were going to have a conversation. I had no clue what the result would be.

Gracefully in the two hour meeting that followed with Steve, Mary, Julie, and I an amazing occurrence of healing took place. Love broke out. We were invited to come back. To be restored. To be protected. We began attending Northwest Church right away and still attend to this day. I am part of the Worship Counsel, teach guitar, and play guitar on the worship team. I never thought in a million years something like this would ever happen. 13 years had passed since I was a staff member there. It was like a son returning home to his family after a long journey. Steve is retired now and change is in process but I am excited for what the future holds. More opportunities and restoration continues that quite frankly blows my mind.  

I was unexpectedly asked to be a part of a team that traveled in May 2019 to Nashville to serve in music worship for the Chaplains portion of the Foursquare Church’s National Convention. Wow. I didn’t plot, plan, or ask for any of that but the door opened. Julie went with me. More evidence of the wonderful nature of Jesus in action. Quite a contrast of my former false beliefs.God was pouring out His love beyond expectations and I knew it.

I had been to National conventions in many years past. I always felt so inadequate when I did. I recall feeling that if people really knew me they would certainly challenge my attendance. So I would play the pride game. Espouse my position of course since I served at a large church. This was my off-based, ugly attempt to justify myself. This gathering was certainly different. I just felt blessed for the opportunity and gave what I had to offer. It was very freeing. No stress at all. A National Convention doesn't justify your position with God, Jesus justifies your position with God.  

God has certainly proven over and over again, through all the difficulty I have endured who He is. How He loves people. How He loves me. When that light bulb finally went on for me my perspective on everything changed. How I view God now changed how I see myself and how I see the rest of the world around me. I no longer wrestle with the mind games of “if” God loves me or not. I am secure in knowing that He does love me deeply and its much easier to respond to His love when that is etched on your heart.

I am not suggesting a different gospel than what the bible clearly teaches. We are still sinners saved by grace. Jesus is our savior and Lord and He is the only way to reconciliation. We must acknowledge our sin and need for redemption. We must know Him and know that He laid down His life on the cross for our sin. His words are clearly written; “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” John 14;6. 

However let me end with this; He is a relational God. Slow to anger and full of grace. He wants all to know Him and follow Him. He wants to be the honored centerpiece in all our lives. He knows all our issues. He is patient. He sees you right where you are. He knows how to untangle false assumptions of who, and how He is. He wants us to love others in the same way; but we have to walk out our lives with Him to the fullest so we can do that. To love others as naturally as breathing. 

The Gift of Jesus Christ is above all the entanglements, sin, and struggles we have gotten ourselves into. He is our hope, our joy, our healer, our restorer, and our re-newer and so much more

Peace

[hashtagsmitty]

Smitty's Thailand Adventure - Day 2

Big day. My phone is saying 27000 steps. The highlights include getting a suit tailored, having a thai woman rub my naked body down for an hour, meeting Keith Urban's green beret brother, and a friendly, spirited discussion about Islam. No spoilerinos though!

I didn't sleep well, the bed was way too hard and the springs jabbed me all night. I'd told Josh 10am but I was up at 6. I read some more of "Growth Mindset" - talking about sports stars and CEOs that had fixed mindsets vs those with growth mindsets.

Josh texted me and said that he was going to meet me at 11 because he didn't sleep well, so I went out exploring. I got turned around a few times trying to find the train station on the main road. Think a giant freeway overpass with four train lines on it, and a huge station connecting them all. This one has two mega shopping centers like the Emporium attached. It didn't open until 10, so I went for a walk in the park instead.

There were heaps of people just doing normal park stuff - walking, exercising. I saw a couple kids practicing punches. There was an old woman cutting a hedge, and most of the park was well maintained - except for a set of steps I found. They were leading to a jetty that jutted out over the lake in the middle of the park, and the steps leading down were covered in bird poo. It was weird seeing the juxtaposition. There's another one in this picture I took yesterday:

I really liked the architecture of this building, and it was odd to see the rats nest of phone cabling framed in front of it. That wasn't even the worst one. It highlighted something we saw quite a bit of - lowest possible effort to look good.

I walked around the park for a while, then grabbed some food from the White Family Mart on the corner of my street. The name jumped out at me. I grabbed some godawful dried strawberries and a rice and grilled chicken packet that was way better than I expected.

Josh texted me, so I left the hotel and went back to the Emporium and walked around a bit. There was this cool shop called Another Man Story with unique custom men's accessories. Some of the stuff was cool, but it struck me as a desperate attempt at buying individuality through conformity. "Look at these unique expressions of you that anyone with enough money can buy!"

Says the guy with too many stupid expensive leather jackets.

I was looking at my leather bracelet that I made myself for like $5, and compared it to these bracelets that cost hundreds. I like mine better because I made it and it has meaning to me.

I met up with Josh eventually and we got some pad thai in the food court. I'd never had it before, and it was pretty good. I've always been a picky eater, so eating new shit is a bit outside my comfort zone and I'm proud of the small steps I'm taking.

After brunch(?) we went to a tailor Josh knew, in the first of many trips across the city. We took the skytrain - it cost about a dollar per trip. We needed to change train then walk a bit. I was boggled at how well Josh knows the city, and again reminded how screwed I'd be if I wanted to do any of this shit without him.

The tailor was cool - spoke English, very business-oriented. I ordered a 3-piece suit in grey wool, and two white shirts. It'll be ready the day before I leave.

We left the tailor after Josh finished texting one of his friends - something about organizing a business together. Josh had many words to say about this guy, and the tailor, and anyone who walked slowly...

After the tailor Josh wanted to check out a market to get ties and cuff links. I told him I'd look at one market - we went to Cambodia together a few years back, and I got burned out walking from market to market trying to save 3 dollars on some bag. He led us on a crazy whirlwind tour of the backroads and skywalks across Bangkok, until eventually we ended up at the same market we'd gone to last time we were here!

It was a sprawling shopping centre, with as many stalls crammed in as the fire code would allow. Josh described it as "an inside market with air conditioning." We wandered around looking at shirts for a while until we found the ties and cuffs place. I hemmed and hawwed for a while until I picked out a tie and some cuffs. The tie looks awesome - it's skinny and red.

We left the market and took the winding route back to a different mall - we had some meat and rice dish. Josh told me that beef in Thai was "moo". I called bullshit. The menu had "grilled beef/pork/chicken" on it. When we ordered, Josh pointed at that item and said "moo". The waiter nodded. I grabbed Google Translate and typed in moo - it came up as "swine". Sure enough, the waiter brought out pork.

As we ate, Josh told me the plan for tonight - I needed a haircut, so we planned to walk into a place near his AirBNB. We planned on meeting up with his friends for drinks and a meal, right around the corner from his place. And, I'd expressed that I wanted a massage. So the plan was dump my bag at the hotel, find a massage, get a haircut, then meet his friends for dinner.

Another quick train ride. The thing they don't tell you about the skyrail is that you gotta climb stairs to get on and off each time.

I dumped my bag. Josh warned me about the massage girls outside my hotel, and again, they disappointed by not heckling me.

We tried a couple of massage places near my hotel - the two non-dodgy ones near my hotel, anyway, ones that didn't advertise "Vip Room", "4 Hands Massage", or God forbid "Teen Love". If you need to emphasize that your "masseuses" are teenagers, you're not an establishment I'm keen to visit.

The two non-dodgy ones near the hotel were full. We caught the skytrain again, this time to near Josh's house. We found a massage place that looked OK and went inside.

We had to take off our shoes to go inside. I was wearing blundies that slipped off, and Josh had some sneaker things. I waited awkwardly inside after telling the lady that my friend was coming and he spoke Thai. Josh came in and asked for a massage for each of us, in English. Bastard.

We got led into a cubicle each. Shower curtain walls, a very small cot. I sat down and my masseuse walked in. She was a middle-aged Thai woman. She dropped down under the cot and pulled out a basket, then said "leave your underpants on" and left. I took off everything except my underpants and sat cross legged on the cot. I was nervous. What if she touched something I didn't want touched? What if I reacted in a way I wasn't comfortable reacting? I did some deep breathing while I waited.

My masseuse came back. She said "lay down, back first." I lay down on my back. She said "no, back first!" I rolled back over onto my tummy. She covered my back with a towel, then unrolled the towel down to my underpants. She oiled her hands and started rubbing my back. It was nice - Thai massage is firm, more of a deep tissue massage than relaxation. She worked her way across my back, my legs, then my chest. There was a weird one where she raised one of my legs into a bent position, foot flat, and pressed it down into the other leg. It felt like my balls were getting squished in a sandwich press. Clearly, these techniques were designed for Asian men.

She finished with a neck and head massage. She couldn't speak English, but she communicated humour in other ways - she started rubbing my neck and flicked the weird lump on the side that I have. I wondered how to say "misformed conjoined twin" in Thai, which led to a mental rabbit hole about Siamese twins and whether it was a faux pas to talk about that in Siam. She massaged my scalp and flicked my quiff, then spent time straightening my hair when she finished.

I rate the massage a solid 5/7 - staring at a bare stone wall while an Asian woman grinds her elbow into my spine isn't necessarily my thing, but it was an experience and I'm glad I did it. I'm also glad none of the things I was worried about happened.

While we were putting our shoes back on outside, a sketchy white dude walked up to us. He commented on Josh's shoes and stretched his hand out to me to shake. I shook. He asked where we were from. I said Australia. He said his brother came from New Zealand and that we'd know his name. I said I'm sure I don't. He said his brother's name was Keith Urban and that his name was Greg. I said that I knew his brothers name. He said that he used to be a green beret and asked me to rate his handshake. He did his left hand, then without letting go did the right hand. I said his shake was firm. He said the green beret thing again and twisted my thumbs around. Then he wished us a good night and walked off.

We shrugged and walked on down the road towards the barber. We bumped into Greg Urban again - he commented, and asked where we were going. I said we were getting a haircut. He said "you need one!" I said "thank you!" He said "you need one because you look like shit." We kinda just walked off a bit faster. Both me and Josh were getting major sketchy vibes. Josh compared it to a foreign 5 year old who can speak fluent English walking up to you and talking to you - a distraction for something more sinister.

We kept walking. The barber was in Josh's area. He decided that he was going to show me all the street animals he was friends with. We had to cross another skybridge to get there. As we walked across this one, there was a dude laying down covering half the bridge. Josh said we should go single file. As we walked, the dude sat bolt upright. It felt like something out of a zombie movie and I almost sprinted off. Josh later explained that he was likely an opium addict, and likely at rock bottom because of it.

We walked to the barber. They were super full, so we booked in for tomorrow at 3. My fade needs a touch up. We left, and Josh started pointing out his dog and cat friends. He called them all cutesy names in Spanish, like gordo (fatso) or nino (little boy) or chico (little guy). It was weird to see this super intense friend of mine, fiercely competent and ruthless in business and his personal lives, acting like a kid in a candy store with these street animals. It was a weird juxtaposition, but it definitely humanised him a bit more. The animals were really cute too.

We sat down in W District, an outdoor dining and bar area. Josh ordered us some ribs and chips and we waited for his friend and business partner to arrive. Josh had been texting him all day about their planned business venture. Josh wanted his friend to pick one idea, develop it, and pay Josh to implement it. Josh's friend wanted to develop a whole bunch of ideas at once, and give Josh equity in his company and a place to stay in exchange. His friend was arriving early to negotiate.

Josh had been talking up the ribs all day - he said he should get a commission from the ribs lady for all the business he drove to her. They had a chat, and she agreed to send out 3 things of ribs ASAP.

Bill, Josh's friend, arrived. They negotiated while I listened. I wasn't following everything, but I asked Josh later and he said he got what he wanted. As we talked, more and more people showed up, and Josh introduced me to some of his other friends. His current girlfriend, his Egyptian friend who hates Islam, friends of friends. A Thai girl named Ben - that threw me a bit, let me tell you.

I spent the night mingling. I don't normally hang out in large groups, and definitely not with people I don't know, and rarely around people who are drinking. Further outside the comfort zone, I guess. I put aside my nerves and chatted to people, drawing on my inner extrovert. I played improvisation games with Josh and Bill. I talked about Islam with the Egyptian guy. I did my best to make myself, if not the life and soul of the party, at least a net gain to the gathering.

The ribs arrived after 2 hours of waiting. Bill and I joked about Josh's failed celebrity status. They gave us some plastic gloves to eat the ribs with. The group ordered tower after tower of beer - portable taps with 3 Liters of beer inside. They cost 650 baht, around $25.

I ended up staying way longer than I expected, and headed home around 11. Josh walked me to the station and we talked about expectation and visualization and the universe providing and the great magnet turning. We made plans for the haircut tomorrow, as well as lunch with his current girlfriend and dinner with the same group as tonight. Bill said that he was definitely going because I said I was.

I walked past the"massage parlor" again on the way home, still no harrassment.