#it is the full works of like... 'I exist and havr a carbon footprint and that's unforgivable'

[harbingrs]

I was writing another post in the moral OCD spiral series but I genuinely can't type any more to finish it after like... hours of wasted time and pain trying to defend myself from the next wave of charges from the OCD strawman in my head so I am sorry if there are things that are unaddressed from my previous post(s) that are Bad. I am aware of them and I just can't type enough to get the information out there and I have really urgent work I'm meant to be doing after already working 42 hours in under three days.

I promise the kind of vaguely toxic defensiveness I have going on when I get into topics is not because I am a nasty individual, I am responding to said mental OCD strawman who tries to back me into a corner and force me to account for every single possible implications or pitfalls of anything I ever say. I am not just cavalier and rude and eager to defend every facet of capitalism and pre-emptively build a castle of excuses, I am just mentally unwell in a way that means I never know peace.

And this is why I don't Post Things in general, because I can't make one small funny post about my job without needing to cover for every bad faith reading and then cover for bad faith readings of THAT and it turns into an hours-long saga where I'm justifying every aspect of my life and then justifying my tone and wording in my justification posts etc etc

If I make a post my whole day spirals into feeling Unsafe about it and ditto with even leaving comments or replies. I do one innocuous thing and then it makes me feel so vulnerable I swear off posting/communicating/etc for weeks or months because it's not worth it and there's too much thst can go wrong and it just makes my life harder. If I can do/be/say nothing i csn be safe and I can breathe.