#it hopefully seems like it isnt hitting as bad this time -- i'm feeling a lot better after just 24hrs

[nocturne-of-illusions]

guess who just got covid a 2nd time, despite only leaving the house for food and doctor appointments?

[misterbitches]

i wish more than anything he could have had this. i love you man

i really fucking do

my love for nirvana and immense respect for kurt isn't something i ever expected. after being a huge fan of jonghyun too as a musician, a person who had things to say, a human being. the people around him. i fucking hate that kurt is gone and i was like...2. i got into hole when i was like 25 really heavily and refused to listen to nirvana. didnt' care about these white boys. but there's a reason why people love this band and why they loved kurt. i get mad sometimes at his death—selfishness—and then i make jokes to deal and cope. we all do with everything. it's just that and this is from a cis person...but i know so many trans people or people on the gender spectrum who have read his journals see him as someone struggling with gender. and after years of thinking and becoming such a huge fan i think that was honestly the truth. i think at this point we're all pretty sure he was gender queer or struggling with identity.

his aversion for oppression, his stand with the marginalized, not accepting racism, homophobia, transphobia BECAUSE THAT IS THE HEART OF DIY (spurred by my black people cos ofc it is and we do everything) and i wish that he could have beeen better.

to me it seems like his pain with his crohns (or wahtever he had) lead to his intense struggle with drugs because that's pretty common when needing pain management. on top of that, his family's history of MI. on top of that, his life being hounded and not being prepared for it (this i think is the idea of white privilege at work and wasn't naive of him necessarily, but...it's just something he thought wouldnt happen to him. that's whiteness at work as who they were as a diy fucking anti pop anti capital punk band. sonic youth said 'we didnt sell out, we made them buy in') and his rship with courtney. he said without court he might be gay or bi.

i won't read his journals, it's too fucking much for me and i dont feel allowed or maybe i will when i can handle it, but i know reading about them and him and hearing the way he changed his songs and his abhorrence for bravado, for men that talk about women as disposable and sex objects, for not being able to enjoy a punk band, for the whiteness and maleness. krist novoselic was a 6'7 fucking bassist and dave grohl is a sizeable dude with hideous tattoos. back then, no one said a fucking bad thing about them. come as you are.

we know that suicide is a state we get into. when you go to a psych ward you see that it's actually calm and an ebb/flow. it is extremely fucking boring. the thing is we don't know if these feelings last forever. we can't go back and time and history cannot change. it was his decision, like jonghyun's, to end his life. but i know there could have been longer. if they got help. i try not to resent courtney especially not now with people being irresponsible and unearthing the FBI report on him. he killed himself but it was definitely emotionally sparred by her and she should have told people what happened weeks before his death.

but no one failed him per se. his suicide note is full of hope and it kills me to see. he should have been able to be whoever he wanted. been a son, been a daughter, been anything.

whenever i hear the changed lyrics or see him in a dress or hear distress i dont know. i wish we didnt lose him but i also know that no one wants to go back to that time. it wasn't necessarily great but it wasn't all bad. and i wish commodity didn't destroy legacy. i wish we werent's so obsessed with the death and gore instead of the liveliness and hilarity of this band and of kurt. and i wish we could talk about him more and the idea that maybe there's so much going on with it; i have many critiques for things they have done, things kurt has done as well.

i'm talking in circles but i genuinely just get bummed. every day he is still dead. but this dude man......i love him a lot. i'm so glad nirvana gave what they did to the world. getting to know kurt so long after the fact is fucking hard sometimes. it is frustrating. but focusing on the positives too or trying to understand another perspective has given me a lot of insight. and i always try and remember that it wasn't just one thing, that nirvana were a band, it wasn't just him, and he could have been better but it just didn't work out that way. it's not solely about his internal pain and the narrative of a tortured artist is suffocating.

he wanted to be a star, make this insane pop song, and when he got it he didnt realize it became everything he hated. he was already struggling and all this shit hit a point. i have mad respect for them still. dave grohl said billie eilish is the kurt of her gen (about 2 yrs ago) and that drives me up a wall for various reasons. antiblackness and class. fuck that. these dudes were poor as fuck trucking it through washington with other bands and the basis is blacness and black art they were trying to fight and make it and give a shit man. it didnt turn out the way they could handle but they were not PRIMIING themselvs for musical stardom. no artist who cares would do that. but if you get the recognition you want because who doesn't, it comes at a price too.

this is why i critique commodity and capital so intensely. i participate, and i will have to as an artist. i don't have a desire to be poor because i've lived a life that gave me space to see what i want to do. i have class privilege (and a lot of debt) and i am grateful. but it isnt like i dont want peopl eto know. it's just that i know that i can't give in and accept and demand nothing and then decide to hoard it to myself. taht money that goes in funnels out and is not for me to keep. there is no trickling down. dont paly yrself.

artists like kurt and in a sense like MF Doom (rapper who only came out to be seen when he wanted to) or DMX even it's like....man u came out fucking fighting to be heard you know. do your thing. make your shit. be amazing. esp black people. DMX had a fucking face for a camera. hopefully i'm gonna watch belly at my best friend's house on the 28th.

i wish everyone who deserves to stay can stay until their body releases them in the most pleasant way as possible. jessica walter's death made me sad, but she was older and i'm so happy she got to live. same with cicely tyson. at the same time, the young deaths over drugs, suicide, accidents....id on't really get it. why is kissinger alive but these people can't stay? how did this come a somber tale of death instead of just i fucking love kurt cobain lmao

he's def one of those ppl that im like u rock. him, robeson, seberg to an extent. hm who else. wong kar wai, jenkins, joe (thai filmmaker whose name i cant spell.) all those people who are running forward on their own and beating their chest. yea i like that. an award is just another award. what matters is possibility and action.

RATHER BE DEAD THAN COOL

[adios-gatos]

I hope I'm not too late for the ask meme, could I ask n° 1 for the boys? Any combo you feel like! - Piraticusdorm

of course you arent dw!!

CONRAD:

BELLUS: - first of all hes already v into the piraticus dorm’s uniform for the shirts mostly and is usually into pretty people so the moment he sees conrad and his flashy fashion hes 👀. though conrad doesnt seem like the kind of person bellus would actually get a crush on?? its likely because hes an authority figure dnksa - not having a crush wouldnt stop him from hitting on conrad occasionally, mostly because bellus enjoys flustering people who seem composed. he does Not understand that being a mermaid in of itself can make others uncomfortable even if theyre in the same dorm - does want to braid some of the water flowers in the lake the boys claimed into conrads hair. if conrad declines he might try to sneak them in as a little game

MERI: - for reasons he wouldnt admit too, somehow meris jealous that conrad has kenns respect?? hes a lil jealous of anyone kenn respects but hes the most jealous over conrad - because of that hes huffy towards conrad and gives him the silent treatment. which doesnt really work on someone who doesnt know you but maybe its a blessing if anything and no one should explain that to meri - meri has made Many plans for pranks against conrad but conrad seems like a v observant guy?? so that and caspian and kenn being there to stop meri makes the situation lowkey feel like a wilde coyote and roadrunner one tbh

CASPIAN: - so like. he and the others had to get over their opinions about pirates pre-nrc quickly when they were put into the piraticus dorm and hes done p well with that. but he still cant stop feeling wary when he sees conrads eye patch and hat he wears in the dorm(?). but kenn likes him and the feeling isnt as bad whenever conrad is in more casual clothing so caspian just tolerates it - even with that, he enjoys the times conrad plays the piano and sings with everyone

KENN: - he has a lot of respect for conrad for being able to manage the dorm and as a result everyone within in. despite that he lowkey avoids talking to him when he can since after moving to nrc hes become Aware of the opinions people have about mermaids mostly because now he cant ignore them. so kenns likely aware of the fact conrad is uncomfortable around mermaids and tries to restrain the others enough where conrad doesnt have to get involved - probably overthinks if his magic specifically makes conrad uncomfortable since his is straight up siren magic. he learned that it isnt acceptable to just use his magic whenever he feels like during first year but since theyre both third years, when kenn remembers how he was when he was still adjusting hes just ‘god conrad saw that.’ hes found hours later by caspian with his head in his hands still embarrassed  - vibes a lot with the keeping your word but using any loopholes possible method conrad also uses. may or may not try to subtly point out loopholes to him if he somehow looks over one

TINK:

BELLUS: - likes trying to pick out the bells in tinks voice whenever hes singing and enjoys even more watching tink dance. bellus is most interested in whenever tink flies while dancing but the thought of doing the same makes him a lil skittish. flying seems fun but he isnt fond of the thought of what happens if you fall. you cant fall when youre in water!! - with the fact hes a hopeless romantic, the moment he hears about tinks secret admirer hes !!! and also trying to find out who it is. though if/when he does, he wont tell tink who it is because that Ruins the Suspense!! The Mystery!! that doesnt keep bellus from using knowing that secret to tease tink though so f

MERI: - even if meri isnt the nicest of the gang, he does like tinks pranks and will try to get tink involved in his. especially the ones that involve octavinelle - may Try to not provoke tink besides playful teasing because of the fact he sees tink as a potential prank buddy. he also understands neverland faeries more than mainlanders and non mermaid folk in general so hes more willing to rein himself in if it means tink will join his games - they both have some similar qualities like being quick to act out & fight and having fun at the expense of others. theyd either get along well or butt heads. maybe a bit of both! if they do play pranks together itd be harder for meri to get genuinely mad at tink when they clash. though he might end up treating it like a game and make tink more upset when they do smh

CASPIAN: - thinks its amusing to watch tinks pranks but he wont outwardly show more than maybe a smile at his antics - since he likes people watching and sometimes drawing said people, caspian probably has some drawing of tink in his journal mostly focused on his face. he just remembers all the other neverland faeries hes seen from the lagoons whenever he sees tink and with that, the rest of neverland. so drawing tink reminds a bit of home - even with that association caspian still doesnt talk to tink often like how he does with most other people

KENN: - lowkey associates tink with caspian since they both have the right hand man role going on - also sees tinks pranks as entertaining, its just whenever meri is there too he becomes more wary about the situation - he does want to respect tink since hes a vice dorm leader, its just whenever he sees him around the dorm he cant help but just be internally “whos this lost sassy child..........” the 9 inch height difference they have doesnt help tink out there

KROK:

BELLUS: - for some reason krok Does seem like someone bellus would have a crush on?? itd be a one sided one and off type of crush more than anything but its still there in the background - dnvs i could see bellus unintentionally scaring off krok more than anything with his flirting when its taken into account the reputation neverland mermaids made for themselves. hes out there trying to braid kroks hair and playfully splash him and convince him to sunbathe with the others because theres snacks and kroks just “oh god this guys gonna try to drown me” - so maybe he does also splash people he doesnt like but its about the Context yknow? - a lil confused when he hears that krok cant sing Or play instruments and offers to teach him. which mostly involves getting caspian to teach him because bellus is only a good teacher when the topics about stars. but he Will be willing to sit through the lessons with him

MERI: - hes a lil intimidated by the fact kroks a crocodile even if krok doesnt get into fights in the first place especially unprovoked. though considering meri tends to provoke Everyone, he might have a good reason to be wary - also isnt fond of kroks ability to eat others magic since he relies on his so much. and with the fun combination of meris temper, his unintentional magic usage when hes upset, the fact the piratcus dorms are on the ocean, and that being on a ship doesnt make a boiling ocean any more comfortable, kroks likely had to eat meris magic before. hes still upset about it - even though their height difference is only 4 inches, meri sometimes squats when they do talk out of spite - despite all of that, he does appreciate that kroks an honest person because lying about emotions is such a hassle. though he also thinks that krok not hiding things too takes the fun out of things

CASPIAN: - tbh he cant comprehend the concept of someone not being good at both playing instruments and singing, mostly because hes used to being around music focused magic back home. like?? are you saying you cant even play a shell horn?? what the fuck???? he assumes krok is just fucking with them even if krok tries to prove he isnt - if krok does accept bellus’s offer to learn how to play, caspian is a pretty patient person so hopefully thatd make krok more comfortable? outside of that, caspian does enjoy playing and talking with the fish and birds around the campus so that could be something they could talk about- - caspian does lie a lot though especially to people he isnt close to so that might bring up some issues between them vdsv

KENN: - “caspian theres a weird fucking cat outside” - kenn when he first sees krok sunbathing - he understands wanting time to relax but he doesnt get sleeping all the time. hes used to everyone always wanting to splash and play back home and only stop to brush their hair and sunbathe so someone willingly choosing to just snooze whenever he can?? why’d you do that........ - even if he doesnt understand it he’ll still try to not wake up krok if hes sleeping outside again. sometimes bellus and meri get past him but he does what he can to keep them from bothering him like he does with most - hes v interested in kroks magic tbh since it seems v useful to have on hand. hes also a lil curious about what his own magic tastes like