#it gets worse when you guessed it: he’s very depressed or is hyper focused on work

[zaceouiswriting]

Life

Good sad day my friends!

I would’ve never thought that I would write a message like this. But here we are. Today we are getting a bit personal, maybe even a bit more than most of you are comfortable with.

I’m a 24 year old dude. As many of you might already have guessed gay. But there is also a very dark side of me, despite all my creative work. Since as my therapist believes, my birth, I suffer from manic depression. To top this all off, I got hit by a truck when I was nineteen. It almost ripped my left foot from my body. 

After getting into a hospital it took two weeks, before doctors could save it, in an operation that with some complications took over twelve hours.

Up to this point in my life, I was hyper focused on school. I had to learn a third language, because I didn’t do it when I was younger to finish school, which seemed impossible for me. After this accident, every little thing took a backseat.

My mental health fell into a dark pit, worse than anything I had encountered before. The worst thing was, that no-one around me seemed to really care, except for my father who tried everything to keep me going. But something in me died that day. As I was laying on the street, after getting hit by this truck, on my way to school, on my bicycle.

I couldn’t hold myself together. Went less and less to school, until the point, I wasn’t able to finish it anymore. After the school year ended, I was able to leave the house for two-three more months, before this was impossible for me.

Since then I have developed a fear, a panic to leave my home.

You might asked yourself: „Why is this dude on the internet on Tumblr of all places, who writes stuff, telling me all of this?“

Well my answer is a sad one. Since that day, I of course needed something to cope with. To keep me afloat. Because I am actively trying to get the only talent I have, telling stories, to finance a future for myself. It is also the only thing, that is keeping me actively alive.

But there are things, that keeps my head from the more darker thoughts. And as silly as this might sound, it is mostly youtube gaming content.

Im a gamer, when I'm not writing, which is a big part of my life. Today a news, that shocked my world broke to me trough.

I don’t know how many of you are gamers themselves or watching gaming content, But there is a guy his name is „Technoblade“, who is a beacon for me. Someone who could make me laugh, at the darkest of my moments, giving me a hand, to help me on a ledge to get out of the darkness to at least exist without the hopelessness, my head wants me to feel.

Today I learned, that he died. After as it seems a long hard battle with cancer. Which hit me extra hard, because a couple of years ago, when I was seventeen, I was at the side of a childhood friend, until her passing away from the same illness. I told her stories to keep her head off of things. But we all knew that she was going to die.

When we were kids, I promised her that I would be there, when she passes on. Then, neither of us knew what that meant. But I kept my promise. And hold her until her very last breath. Before she passed on, she told me that she loved me. She knew that I could never reciprocate her feelings, but I loved her too, not in the same sense, she did me, but it was enough to tell her that I loved her too.

I hoped, to never get trough an experience like this, at least not, until I was better myself. Even without knowing Technoblade personally. He saved my life countless of times. Not only he, but other content creators as well.

It hurts deep down, that everything I can get help from, are now only old videos of him, things I already watched, love but already know. To be aware of the fact, that he is gone, hits so much deeper, than I ever thought was possible. At the end of the day, I and so many others, did not know I’m personally, but he still was a part of our lives. A bright one at that.

Im angry, at the audacity of life to let someone, even younger than me, go trough this, to die such a horrible death. I’m sad for his family and everyone who got impacted by his humor, wit and friendliness. But I’m also happy, that he was a part of my life and so many others too. His death might be a great loss, but his memories are treasures we all should keep in our hearts.

We should take an example of his strength, his will and mental fortitude. 

And to the unasked question, why I telling this on Tumblr? To be honest I don’t have any other meanings of doing this. As I had said, I was hyper focused on school and after my accident, had not the strength to build anything else up. Just now years later, I slowly come out of my own shell. But I have no experience with Social Media, or Youtube or such. So this is really the only place I can tell a part of my story and tell people, how much Technoblade helped me get trough a lot of the darker times.

I just hoped, I could’ve keep his spirit alive. But as incompetent as I am at social media, more than this post, most likely will not happen. Which is sad, because for the impact he had, he would’ve deserved so much more from me.

Thank you for reading all of this, I just hope, enough people get to read this. And sorry for the ramble, when I’m under mental stress, I tend to jump between the things I want to tell.

Rest in Peace, Technoblade.

Have great day, you beautiful people, even with this news and these circumstances. I will take this day off from any work and will rewatch most likely all of his content.

We see us tomorrow hopefully under more heartwarming circumstances.

[bittysvalentines]

5 times Jack failed at flirting

From: @leahlisabeth

To: @b1ttle

Summary: Jack is new to Providence which wouldn't be so bad if he didn't put his foot in his mouth/run away every time he runs into the Falconer's gorgeous, blond, PR person.  

Rating: none

Tags: Bitty does PR for the Falconers, Bad Flirting, Awkward Situations

Content warnings: Very brief mention of intended non-con

Message: Thank you so much for your prompts! I had a lot of fun writing this fic and I really hope you like it.

1.

Providence is a nice place.  It’s a decent sized city; it would have to be to have their own NHL team, but it has a small town feel.  He can go jogging around his neighbourhood instead of in a cold, sterile gym or even worse, on a treadmill going nowhere.  But it’s not so small that he’s going to stand out and he’s going to get mobbed wherever he goes. Jack thinks he likes it.

He hasn’t really had too many chances to explore, even though he’s marked a few places on the map that he’d like to check out. He’s always been the kind of guy to be a regular, to show up at the same time and get the same thing, predictable and reliable.  It’s already past time for him to establish his Providence routine.

He passes by a sweet little coffee shop as he’s jogging.  It’s getting close to the end of his five- mile run and it is in the perfect location for a post-run snack.  Making a split-second decision, he diverts his path and heads inside.

He isn’t paying attention, already looking to see what’s on their menu, when he feels scalding hot liquid soak his running shirt.

“Oh my lord, I’m so sorry.” A much shorter man is standing in front of him and waving a handful of napkins in his face.  On reflex, Jack grabs for them, stilling both the waving napkins and the hands of the man standing red-faced in front of him.  “I hope I didn’t burn ya.”

“Euh, just a little steamed,” Jack says, finally succeeding in liberating one of the napkins from the man’s grasp and soaking up some of the rapidly cooling liquid on his chest. The man stops waving his arms and tries to help with the napkin he’s still holding.

With that handled, he takes a closer look at the person in front of him and he nearly swallows his tongue.  The guy is gorgeous, with blond hair and brown eyes so large they wouldn’t look out of place on a cartoon.  He’s small but holds himself like someone who is used to complete physical control over his limbs.  His chest is also splashed with coffee even though Jack had taken the brunt of it.�� 

“At least coffee is your colour,” Jack says.

The man stops mopping at Jack’s chest and looks up at him with a quizzical expression and Jack suddenly has the urge to run.  “Uh, goodbye?” he says before turning around and practically sprinting from the coffee shop.  Guess he can’t ever come back here again.

2. 

Jack’s been busy since moving to Providence.  He’s had near-constant practices and other team meetings as he’s getting to know his new teammates and they’re getting ready to start their season.  He’s heading out early in the morning and coming home late at night with barely a chance to inhabit his new home beyond the bedroom and the bathroom.

Finally, he gets a day off.   He starts it off the same way he has been so far, going for a run and only stopping in to buy coffee once he’s sure he’s not going to run into that blond man again.  

But once he gets home, he’s at a loss.  He bought a couch for the living room but he doesn’t have a TV and his books are all in storage until he has the time to go get them and unpack them.  It’s a little depressing.

Another hiccup occurs at lunchtime.  He decides to splurge and make his favourite chicken tenders. But since he’s mostly been eating out since he moved, he doesn’t even have a baking sheet.

He decides to go and buy at least a few things: a TV, a bookshelf that he can start filling, and the bare minimum for the kitchen.

He’s wandering a department store in the area and comparing two baking sheets, trying to decide if it matters that it’s nonstick, when he hears a familiar voice.

“I wondered if I might run into you again.”

Jack turns and sees the small blond who’s coffee he had spilled. He’s just as cute now and Jack isn’t finding it any easier to look him in the eye. “I was hoping I wouldn’t.”

“Oh,” the blond says, a strangely disappointed look on his face.  “Sorry, I’ll leave you to your shopping.”

“No...that isn’t…” Jack protests but he’s not entirely certain what to say and he can feel the red rising in his cheeks.

“I’d recommend the stainless steel pan.  It’s higher quality and I know they say that nonstick is safe but I’ve also read it leaves bits of Teflon in your food.  If you really want easy cleanup, just use parchment paper or a silicone baking mat,” the blond says, pointing to one of the baking sheets that Jack is still holding.

“Euh, thank you?” Jack says, but the blond man is already gone.

3. 

“Jack, can I meet with you for a moment in my office?” Georgia asks him after practice.  “It’s nothing bad,” she reassures him when she sees the look of apprehension on his face.

“Sure,” Jack says.  “Should I shower first or do you want me right away?”

“By all means, shower first,” Georgia smiles at him and leaves him there.  Even with her reassurance, Jack feels a pit open up in his stomach, just like the one he’d had every time in childhood when he had to talk to any sort of authority figure.  He knows they’re not going to fire him.  They have a contract.  But he’s a little afraid anyway.

A familiar blond man turns to face him when Jack enters the room.

“Jack, I want you to meet Eric Bittle,” Georgia says.  “He’s in charge of PR for the Falconers.  He’s here to talk about your Twitter account.”

Jack frowns.  “I need a Twitter account?”

Bittle turns and smiles at him.  It looks a little forced and Jack really wants to run away from the conversation he knows he needs to have.

“Eric will explain all about it.  You have a choice how involved you want to be but you will have to have at least one public social media account,” Georgia says.

“Oh,” Jack says.  “Um…”

“It shouldn’t take too long,” Bittle says.  “We don’t need to do it right now but we should set up a meeting.”

“Coffee,” Jack blurts out.

Bittle turns red.  “Do you think that’s safe?” he asks.

“No,” Jack says.  “I know it’s not.”

Georgia looks between them, a slight puzzled look on her face.  “Are you going to need my office or are you going to meet elsewhere?”

Bittle takes a card out of his wallet and hands it to Jack.  “Here, you think about it and when you’re ready, you can send me an email and we’ll set a time to meet.”

Jack nods.  Georgia and Eric are both staring at him.  He doesn’t know what they expect from him so he awkwardly turns and leaves.

4.

Jack hasn’t emailed Bittle yet.  He feels bad because he knows he is making Bittle’s job harder but every time he picks up his phone or his laptop, a cold sweat covers his body and he has to get out.  He doesn’t remember the last time he’s been so out of sorts in someone’s presence.  He thinks maybe it’s because Bittle is so completely his type and he hasn’t even entertained the thought of dating another man since Kent.  It shouldn’t be a big deal but it is.

It’s getting late and his stomach is growling. He hadn’t eaten anything after practice and he is paying for it now. He doesn’t feel like cooking or ordering takeout.  Maybe it’s a little weird, going out to eat alone, but the alternative would be to ask one of his new teammates and the anxiety at the thought of reaching out makes him more than a little nauseated.  Eating alone, it is.

He sits down and looks through the menu.  There are a lot of choices and most of them sound awful.  He regrets choosing this restaurant and he’s thinking about walking out.  He’s only ordered a water so far.

He can hear someone talking loudly from the next booth over.  “Oh yeah, sounds totally like a serious job and not an excuse to ogle hockey players in the buff.  I know your type.”

“Excuse me?” Jack recognizes Bittle’s Southern accent and suddenly, he is hyper-focused on the conversation happening behind him.

“Seriously, whoever hooked you up for that sweet gig, tell him I want to run PR for some of the local figure skaters.  That’s what gets my motor running.” The guy’s voice is loud and slurring and Jack can see looks of disgust from the other tables in the restaurant.

Bittle’s voice is frosty and nearly unrecognizable.  “I don’t think I like what you’re insinuatin’.”

“Aw, come on, it’s a compliment.  I way prefer that tight ass to some big muscle-bound goon,” the man laughs loudly.  Jack’s fist clenches.

“I think this date is over,” Bittle says.

“Don’t be like that.  Let’s cut the bullshit.  I know you’re gagging to go back to my place so I can pound that tight ass.”  

Jack can see Bittle standing to leave and he is about to relax when the man grabs Bittle’s wrist and pulls him in close to his side.  Jack hardly knows he is moving before he is looming over the man and prying his hand off Bittle’s wrist.

“Who the fuck are you?” The man blinks up at him, eyes glassy and unfocused.

“Hi, I’m a big muscle-bound goon.  I think your date said no,” Jack growls.

“This is none of your fucking business.  Leave us alone,” the man slurs.  He tries to stand up but thinks twice about it when Jack stares him down.

“Excuse me, can I get this man’s check?” Jack hails the nearest waitress.  She scurries away to get it.

The man tosses down some cash to cover the check.

“Tip too,” Jack says, counting the bills at a glance.  The man curses but throws down another $20.

“Did he drive?” Jack asks Bittle.

Bittle nods.  “He’s my ride.” He winces.

Jack holds out his hand.  “Keys.”

The man’s face grows apoplectic with rage.  He staggers out of the chair and tries to take a swing at Jack.  Jack easily dodges it and dumps him back in his chair. This time the man meekly holds out his car keys.

Jack hands them to the waitress.  “Call a cab for this man.  I’ll cover it.  He can pick his keys up here tomorrow when he’s sobered up.”

The waitress nods and stuffs the man’s keys into the pocket of her apron.

Jack drops another couple of bills on his table and guides a now trembling Bittle out of the restaurant.

“Lord, that was dramatic,” Bittle says.  

Now that the adrenaline has faded, Jack is suddenly tongue-tied again.  “Euh, Bittle...Do you like food?” he asks.

“Um...yes?” Bittle says, looking up at him in confusion.

“I mean I can just drop you at home if you want to go but I didn’t get a chance to eat and I noticed you hardly touched your dinner and then I don’t have to eat alone and the evening isn’t wasted,” Jack says in a rush.

Bittle’s face goes from confusion to a sunny smile.  “Jack, honey, that sounds absolutely perfect.  But if we’re gonna be friends now, you’re gonna have to start calling me Bitty.”

5.

Things are easier now.  He and Bitty meet up once or twice a week, sometimes to discuss new posts for his rapidly growing Instagram account, but mostly just to have coffee or dinner.  Jack’s never been much of a texter, but now, his phone is blowing up all day, every day.  He can’t help smiling every time he sees Bitty’s name pop up in his notifications.

Something is happening to him.  He thinks he’s been in love before.  Kent was all fire and passion and danger.  Camilla was all safety and comfort and security and routine and, if he’s honest, a tiny bit of boredom.  

But this is something else.  

There is passion, but he doesn’t want the side of secrecy that comes along with it.  He feels like he and Bitty have known each other all their lives, but he can’t think of anything he wants more than a lifetime to discover more about him.

The team teases him mercilessly.  Jack denies it but a little pit of sadness grows inside him as he tells them that he’s texting Bitty and of course he’s just a friend.

They go out for dinner and something feels different.  Bitty smiles up at him.  He touches his arm when no one is looking.  He touches his foot to Jack’s under the table and Jack lets him, maybe even presses right back.

Bitty blushes and Jack asks the waiter for a glass of wed rine.  Bitty laughs and Jack wants to make him laugh forever.

“Do you want to come up?” Bitty asks when Jack drops him off.

Jack nods.  Bitty’s apartment is as warm and cheery as the man himself.  Jack likes it.  He immediately feels more at home here than he has almost anywhere since he first moved to Providence, excluding only the feeling he gets in full gear at centre ice.

Bitty brings him a cup of tea and a slice of pie, maple apple and the best thing Jack has ever had in his mouth.

Bitty sits next to him on the couch and for once he’s quiet, content to sit next to Jack and enjoy his company.  

“Bits,” Jack says.  “I…”

Bitty leans in a little closer and Jack wants; it’s terrifying just how much he wants. 

“I…have to go,” Jack says.  “Thanks for the pie. It was delicious.”

He’s outside the door by the time logic kicks back in and it’s too late to go back inside.

+1

Bitty looks sad.  For the first time in several weeks, Bitty wasn’t the one to text first.  Jack knows he did something wrong and he wants to fix it.  But a small part of him also wonders if maybe this isn’t for the best.  Bitty makes things complicated.  He can’t come out anytime soon and Bitty deserves better than that.  Plus, there is the whole ethical dilemma of him dating a member of the team.  What if Georgia fired Bitty for this?  He couldn’t have that on his conscience.

It might be too late anyway.  Bitty doesn’t look at him when he enters the locker room.  He’s there talking to Tater and he keeps his focus steadily on the big Russian’s face.  He leaves without a look at Jack.

“Your boy mad at you?” Tater asks.

Jack’s heart skips a beat.  “What are you talking about?”

“Little B.  He not flirt with you or make googly eyes.  No maple apple pie in nook this week,” Tater says, clapping Jack’s shoulder with one big hand.  “Is lover’s quarrel, right? You say sorry.  We get pie.”

“You think Bittle and I are…” Jack’s voice trails off.

“Boyfriends, right?” Tater asked.

Jack is practically ready to pass out.  Tater talks so loudly and surely the rest of the team can hear this.  He looks around but no one seems to care.

“I thought we weren’t getting involved,” Marty said with a raised eyebrow.

“That was when they happy and flirting.  Not when Little B look like he might cry,” Tater says.

“Jack, we haven’t said anything because it’s not our business.  But we’re glad you and Bitty found each other,” Marty says.  “If you need to straighten something out, better to do it now than to take it on the ice.”

Jack nods and runs out of the locker room to find Bitty.  He catches Bitty in the entrance way, heading to his car in the parking lot.  He’s breathing hard and he realizes, staring at Bitty, that he has no idea what to say.

“Jack, are you alright?  Did you need something?” Bitty asks, holding his clipboard like a shield in front of him.

“My team just informed me we’ve been dating for weeks?” It comes out like a question and a shutter falls over Bitty’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.  It’s my fault.  You were so nice and we spent so much time together.  I really thought...but it’s okay.  Message received, loud and clear.  I won’t get you in trouble with your team.  I should have known better than to fall in love with a straight boy,” Bitty says, misery on his face and in his voice.

“I’m not,” Jack says.

“Not what?” Bitty asks.

“I’m not straight.  And I’m not in trouble.  And I really wasn’t sending you a message, at least not that message,” Jack says.  He takes a step closer to Bitty and Bitty drops his arms.

“What message were you sending?” Bitty whispers as Jack takes another step.

“I…” Jack still can’t get the words out.  Bitty is waiting, hope in his eyes, but that hope is fading with every second that Jack can’t find the words.  He forgets about words entirely, leans down and kisses Bitty.

When he pulls back, there are tears standing in Bitty’s eyes.  “Oh,” he says.  “Good.”

Jack just has to kiss him again.

[masonwithkookiez]

Journal #1 (11-8-18)

Long post ahead. Bear with me, people. This gets personal.

Today I almost threw up. That's basically what this entire thing is going to be about.

It's about me, and my struggles, and no one else's because I'm an immature, narcissistic piece of shit that doesn't care about how others feel. No one in my life is nearly as important as my issues, and I've never set aside my struggles to help someone, nor have I stopped to take a breath of fresh air. Not once have I thought that maybe, just maybe, someone out there has issues that are harder than mine, or goes through things that are worse than what i’m currently going through. I’ve never considered that my opinions are less valid that someone’s, and I’ve certainly never thought that I’m always in the spotlight. Not once has any of this my mind, no, how could? I’m a hyper-confident narcissistic teenager that has NOT ONCE stopped to think about all the wrong things I’ve done, or count how many times I talked about myself instead of others in ONE SINGLE conversation (My record is 15, by the way).

This is all stuff I’ve been told I do. I’ve been told that I don’t recognize the fact that I manage to always bring some bit of attention to me. I was told this just this morning, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

I understand that I DO do things like this, and I DO say petty things, and I DO manage to make myself the center of attention half the time, and that makes me want to shrivel up and die. It’s not that I want to do these things, they just happen and they have become so ingrained in my actions that I don’t even think when I do them. Afterwards, though, I often wallow in how dumb I must have sounded, and I usually, meaning every night, think about how I could have said EVERYTHING different, but while I’m carrying out those conversations, nothing crosses my mind.

Hear me out, I get that sometimes people say things that cut deep into you, and they often take a long ass time to go away. They make you think so hard about things that it’s impossible to stop thinking about it. There are things in my life just like that, and I STILL lie awake at night trying to figure out ways to fix those issues. In this case, I don’t think I’ll ever recover from it fully, but I really don’t mind. It gives me more of a reason to kill myself, right? That’s what I’ll keep telling myself.

Look, there I go again. Making everything about me.

But this post is supposed to be about you, what do you mean?

I’m trying to stop this, remember? No more saying petty things.

Oops.

This was sent to me this morning:

Okay, this is ******. I’ve read these messages, and talked to ****** about everything going on. First of all, if he was your first person you cared about you should have never asked such a task as to take on someone else into a two person, committed relationship. Secondly, you shouldn’t try to make him feel bad about wanting something for himself. Relationships can’t be one sided. Every time he tells you a thought, or feeling, or something is upsetting him, you somehow in some way make it all about you when in reality it’s about both of you. But when he’s sitting here crying because he can’t express himself to you without you saying petty things like, “It’s fine I’ll just break someone else’s heart,” that’s literally making his problem somehow about you. This is why I say to never go for younger people because they don’t have the maturity set in their mind that’s capable of understanding TRUE commitment. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but it kind of pisses me off that my best friend is sitting here crying because he expressed himself to you and it was somewhat an inconvenience for you. True , actual love is about sacrificing things for other people and I feel like he’s done that for you more than once and it seems like you’re not providing the same treatment.

I find it funny that I was told that I don’t recognize that I do all of these things. It was at least implied. 

I also find it funny that I was called immature. True, I may be young. Yes, I’m still in school. Yes, people my age typically aren’t ideal for relationships. AND YES, I AM immature. These are all VERY valid points, and they’re even things I considered when I first walked into this relationship, but I also feel that just because I’m young, stereotypes concerning my age group are very true, keep in mind, this person has grouped me with manipulative teenagers. Don’t get me wrong, I do stuff that isn’t very nice, and I do things that would certainly group me into that ideology, but there are other things about me that prove that I AM NOT a stereotype. 

I may be petty, and I may be depressed, but that doesn’t mean that I intentionally do things that are considered to be those. 

This brings me to why I made this. I am a petty, disgusting, terrible human being, and I understand that wholeheartedly. I’m loud, annoying, narcissistic (obviously), and dumb. That’s the perfect recipe for someone that is downright TRASH. I can, and have been, told this many, many times, but it never seems to hit me in the face as hard as it needs to. Not even this time. Not when I’m losing someone that has changed my life. 

And why’s that?

The simple answer is: I’VE NEVER HAD TO CHANGE MYSELF. Not once in my life have I had to change because of this stuff. No, I’ve been told to NOT change myself for others. And so I haven’t.

I’ve let this terrible, toxic behavior carry on throughout my entire life, and I’ve never thought to change myself. I’ve never applied the rule of “If something keeps repeating itself, you probably need to change something,” into this scenario. It blows me away, quite frankly, that I can recognize this fact at it’s face value and not take it seriously. I don’t change, no matter how many times this happens. I don’t specifically know why, but I feel that it’s because I expect to come across someone that will ignore the fact that I basically emotionally abuse my partners with how idiotic I am. I’ve been told that “there’s someone out there that is perfect for me,” and while that may be true, I’ve never been told the other half of that statement: “But you might need to fix yourself a little before it happens.”

That brings me here. 

I’m finally taking everything I just said and fixing myself with it. I don’t know exactly how, nor do I know if any o my guesses will work, but this is a slow process, and I have tons of time to keep trying.

The first, and most important step, is to move on. 

I’ve never had an issue with this, and I feel that I’ve already moved on partially, but I want to fully let go, not only from my currently trashed relationship, but also from the people that I have been helping out. I want to let go peacefully and I want all the people around me to realize that I’m working on myself now. I’m not saying that I won’t worry about other people’s problems indefinitely, I’m only saying that, for now, I’ll be focusing on getting myself back on track. For a few weeks, maybe even a month, I won’t be contacting many people (this includes @jamsgotjimin) and I’ll be TRULY focusing on myself this time. Once I have figured everything out, though, I’ll be back to making sure my family and friends are all okay. 

In order to move on fully, I feel that I have to break away for a little bit. I have to cut myself off from everything that I way I can see how things would be if I was truly alone. I love isolation, and I love having the time to think, but when I’m in the middle of something so overwhelming I usually tend to talk more. I want someone that will reassure me and rid me of my insecurities so I have one less thing to worry about, and that’s why I’m doing this. I need to fix myself the right way, rather than ignoring all of the bad things about me and forcing someone to make them positive. 

The second step I’ll be taking is basically TIME.

I won’t be posting anywhere, nor will I be talking to many, as I stated above. I need the time to myself, as I find it to be essential in making myself a better person. I’ll, most likely, be shutting down almost ALL of my social media accounts, including my AMINO, DISCORD, INSTAGRAM, and TUMBLR. I have no use for them anymore, plus they contain memories that I ma not very fond of. Even though I will be shutting them down, I might find myself making new accounts, whether it be instantly or a few weeks from now. It’s hard going cold turkey right off the bad, but it is also a straightforward way of cutting myself off from the bad. This will allow me to easily start new and fresh, even if it hurts to do it. 

In conclusion, I’m really struggling to fix myself, but it’s only the first day of many. I’ll be okay, and if you would like to continue contacting me through this, just pm me so we can figure out a way to keep in touch. I’ll be back later, and when I return, I’ll redirect everyone to any of my new accounts. 

Stay safe everyone.

With Love,

Tyler 

P.S: I hardly edited this because I wanted it to be my pure, raw emotion. Sorry if things don’t make any sense.

[book-o-scams]

How did you come up with Bro Show? How long have your been drawing/animating for? What is your favorite piece that you have drawn?

SORRY ABOUT THIS LONG ANSWER, I guess asking me three questions at once is a good way to get 6 paragraphs from me, haha.

Before BPS came out, the release date kept getting pushed back due to the production difficulties, and this made me very anxious about whether or not the show would be able to end properly.  ‘Take This Ed and Shove It’ had been a depressing series finale to the show’s original depressing final season, while ‘A Fistful of Ed’ closed out the final episodes with an interesting arc that made me worried the movie would undo the good news.  Most stressful of all was that Bro would be added to the cast, and since I had already deduced that he was violent with baby Eddy, I was worried they would disprove my understanding of the character, and that would surely ruin the whole movie for me. I caught wind of which fans had already managed to get spoilers out of AKA, and got Bro’s design and personality spoiled for myself months ahead of time, and was relieved that my predictions were coming true.  With that monkey off my back, I began realizing how perfect Bro’s position is for being key to the kids’ backstories!  Bro represents the previous generation of Peach Creek kids, and the toxicity he injected into the neighborhood is important because it trickled down through the people outside the Eds’ perspective, until it led to the hyper-aggressive children of the present-day cul-de-sac.

With how little information there was beyond the basic timeline of who seems to have already met Bro before BPS, my first Bro-centric origin story ideas were focused on Ed and Sarah, Nazz, and Jonny.  Then, getting dressed one morning near the end of high school, suddenly a bunch of thoughts clicked into place and formed the headcanon that would become the Bro Show pilot.  Most of it was just from thinking a LOT about ‘A Town Called Ed’, I realized that it can’t JUST be Bro, there’s also got to be some toxic influence from the Eddy family in general, as well as the Kanker family, so I started thinking about it as a show about the families that made Eddy and Lee.  I had also been trying to think of another unseen character as important to any of the characters as Bro and realized Mama Kanker plays a similar role to the Kankers as Bro does to the Eds.  And then Edd’s line about Eddy being a pedigree seeped in and I realized what an amazingly horrible twist it would be for Bro to be one of the Kankers’ fathers and then I couldn’t ignore the similarity between Bro and Lee’s chins.  It’s a lot more risqué than my usual ideas, but I ultimately couldn’t let that idea pass because the Kankers’ fathers are also the only parents with first names, and while I don’t necessarily think his name is Butch, Bubba or Rod, I would still get a hoot out of having a secret hint to his real name like that.

Once the movie came out, I used the new info to hone a better sense of the timeline of the characters’ lives, but my Bro Show ideas mostly focused on what Bro’s old crew would be like and how his relationships could be MORE corrupt than Eddy’s, leading to the creation of my only real OCs, Bone and Dickie (Dickie doesn’t appear in the pilot, he would have been the Edd of the group only in that they leave him out as much as possible because he butts heads with Bro more than Bone does).   I continued to bounce around some ideas for the other characters meeting Bro, scraping ideas out of my college courses (like the Kevin origin story was going to be based on ‘The Bicycle Thief’ which I saw in a film class), but most of the ideas for origin story episodes didn’t come into fruition until I was chatting daily with a friend in 2010 who also was obsessed with Bro and enjoyed the foundation my headcanons had laid out.  Together we came up with a lot of episode ideas that will never see the light of day!

At some point, I came up with enough designs to post concept art of the idea on deviantART (see below) without the intention of really making it.  But I got a lot of messages from fans who really loved the idea, so with a bunch of encouragement, I dove into it and worked on it on-and-off for two years.  It got a lot of negative feedback and it’s honestly a pretty tainted memory for me now… In retrospect, I agree with a lot of the negative criticism, it’s a very different cartoon than I would normally make, but I’m still proud of the show concept even if the pilot wasn’t perfect. I just really wanted to make fun of people who are as manipulative and self-centered as Bro, but its main Youtube fanbase seems to be people who actually are like him, so… my bad, haha.  I get rude messages CONSTANTLY from Bro Show fans, insulting me for not giving them more episodes and for daring to animate anything other EEnE and for posting on websites other than Youtube, which are a lot of strict expectations to place on me, a total stranger.  Oh well, at least my followers here seemed to get it.  C’est la vie!

https://animated.deviantart.com/art/Eddy-s-Family-145866561

I’ve been drawing as long as I can remember!  It started with doodles of my old schnauzer Charlie and I remember making a concentrated effort to memorize Daffy Duck’s beak shape. I started drawing the Eds around when I got CN for my 10th birthday (about 2 years into the show’s run) and my parents would see and actually be impressed how close I’d get to the style.  I remember it used to switch off whether I was worse at Edd or Eddy but I found Ed comparatively easy—now it’s the opposite and I struggle to draw Ed but can more or less draw Edd and Eddy blindfolded, lmao.  My early Eddys looked like Dexter from Dexter’s Lab.  When I was 11, I found out my toy digital camcorder could do stop motion, so I dabbled in Claymation for a while and started familiarizing myself with the concept of timing motion to a framerate. I got Flash as a gift when I was 12 and have used that same horrendously outdated version of the program ever since!  At this point I’ve been animating approximately 14 years, I think.

I am very proud of my EEnE art over the past few years, I think my younger self would be quite pleased!  My favorite thing I ever did for the fandom is the Superbad parody I never finished or released, hahaha, but I think my EEnE animated music videos will always be very nostalgic for me too.  My favorite animation I’ve done, truthfully, would probably be one of my Steven Universe animations, that’s the point where I really started feeling confident that I know how to animate even though I have little professional experience.  I hope someday I make it out there to the industry, I want to flood the world with cartoons as well-animated as EEnE!

[havegaysex]

This is just a train of thought essay, I guess to get some feelings out so I can process them, because I don't have therapy this week and it's my first week off since starting treatment and I've been doing a lot of processing on my own but it's hard when I get stuck in loops because I don't remember what I just said, if you do for some reason decide to read this, trigger warnings for abuse and CSA and probably other stuff but I don't know

I use speech to text and sometimes mumble or talk too fast so there may be some weird wording but I don't want to proof this.

I really hope Tumblr cuts this off so there's a read more, I'm doing it from mobile and I don't know how to make that happen on the phone app

I started learning about dissociative identity disorder because I have a friend who has it, and before she told me about her diagnosis she sent me some YouTube videos and some reading on it I guess to kind of gauge my reaction before telling me, which is understandable,

and then my brain being what it is and having a huge special interest in psychology I hyper fixated on it for a bit,

and I started this research deep dive after I started therapy, and I started realizing that my therapist has been pointing out things that are symptoms of a dissociative disorder for a little bit now, which would explain a lot of things that I haven't been able to get explained with other physical or mental diagnoses

and she gave me a referral for "diagnostic clarity" and I'm just waiting for that to go through, and I'm not self-diagnosing but I feel like I relate way too much to DID and OSDD to be singlet (not system),

and I had no idea that any of this stuff wasn't normal because my whole life was just focused on survival and my brain did what it needed to so that I could survive the highly abusive and volatile environment I grew up in, and now that I am halfway out a lot of stuff is starting to surface that was suppressed or hidden before,

I used to be really high functioning towards the end of high school because it was avoidance, I spent 14 hours a day at school and completed over a year and a half's worth of classes in one semester to get caught up after failing, and then college started out rough but it started getting okay my second semester, and then covid hit which caused me to have to withdraw because I couldn't do online school, and now I'm taking a semester off to do intense mental health and physical health therapy,

and I don't know how to function,

I don't know how to function without being in a high pressure environment where I'm scared of verbal, emotional, and occasionally physical abuse,

Now that I'm existing in a space where I have privacy and I'm allowed to have feelings and thoughts of my own I don't know how to take care of myself,

At first I thought I was just depression and maybe for a little bit it was because I have a bit of seasonal effective disorder, and one of my friends went a few states away and he's going to be gone for almost a year, and I went through some other stuff that definitely should trigger depression

But after getting my physical pain under control again, and increasing and being better at taking my antidepressants regularly and realizing that it's so much more,

I was never allowed to become my own person and have a solid sense of identity, because self-expression was punished I became as my therapist says "fragmented" and I learned to suppress a lot of parts of myself,

I have huge gaps in my memory and people I know now who knew me back then have talked about things that I supposedly did and said and the person I supposedly was during some of those gaps and I just don't understand who they're talking about, I know to them that person and me are the same person but to me they're talking about someone that I don't know, I have no recollection of ever being that person,

At my last in-person therapy appointment she had me start telling her The narrative of my life and at first I thought I didn't have many memories from before 5 years old but it's like she had a switch in me and once I started I just kept going and I feel like I haven't fully been the same person since that session because it pulled something from deep within me that I haven't been able to put back in its box,

And it's been getting worse the farther I get from that visit

For the past week I've probably eaten two days worth of food and I've maybe had four days of water, because my body just can't handle eating and drinking as much as it should for being this size, I don't like feeling like my body is too big for me, I feel like I'm in a grown-up's body and I'm still a kid but I know that I'm an adult, I'm expected to do adult things even though I have no idea how to start doing that, because on top of abuse holding me back and mental health issues I have physical health issues that make it impossible for me to do a lot of minimum wage jobs,

I don't have fully realized different parts of myself the way it seems like a lot of people with dissociative identity disorder do, but I definitely feel like a different version of me is running the show sometimes and I don't understand the actions of my past self because that's something my current self would never ever do or think or feel or say,

And I've always had a kind of discomfort in my body because of dysphoria as well as being bullied for my appearance and having adults make comments on my body when I was way too young as well as being groomed by pedophiles and then having my mom threatened to kill herself over it instead of sitting down with me and having an actual conversation about how starting to have sexual feelings wasn't that horrible but it was the fact that I was talking to adults who were four times my age that was the problem,

And on top of that I went through Catholic School as a girl who was realizing that she was into other girls

And my personal Catholic School experience told me that sex was wrong unless it was for the purpose of procreation and female sexual pleasure is always wrong and homosexuality is also always wrong and that I need to be thoroughly ashamed of being this way because I am having eternal damnation over this thing that I have no choice in,

Recently every time that I try to exist as a sexual human being I experienced the personalization and I stopped being able to look at any piece of my body and I have to avoid mirrors for my reflection because it makes me feel so mentally and physically uncomfortable because in my head that's not me and that's not my body, even though I know both of those are false it doesn't change the fact that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin,

It's so hard to do basic self-care things because in where I'm living right now I can't shower in the dark because I'm not familiar with the shower which means that either I shower in my clothes or I don't bathe at all, and because I can't drink the tap water here I've been getting dehydrated because sometimes I love tea especially green tea, but sometimes I can't stand the taste of it and I just want plain water which I don't have here,

Don't get me wrong this living situation is insane amount better than previous ones, and up until the past week and a half or so I was functioning adequately, but it's like pieces of me that I had to walk away are coming out now and they don't know how to function in any environment but especially in this one where we don't fear getting kicked out over something like not doing the dishes correctly, and I have more privacy than I've had in the past 10 years combined, and it's weird to me I think autonomy, when I go back to my abusive environment I don't have this kind of autonomy, it sucks because in one environment I feel like I have too much autonomy even though I have a very healthy amount of autonomy for my age, and in the other environment I don't have enough even though even theere I have more autonomy than I've ever had because I fought tooth and nail for it, but it's still way less than I should have

I don't know how to exist and feel comfortable anywhere, I don't know how to take care of myself anymore, and I know this won't last because none of my moods/thought patterns ever do, but it'll likely come back because they tend to come back,

I feel like I've been in a dissociative fog for the past few months and sometimes I'm highly functional and I get a lot of things done but sometimes I can't even brush my teeth or eat anything, because my mouth feels so different and I can't tolerate things being in my mouth,

Nothing that I do feels right, video games I used to enjoy, TV shows, movies, food, music, at best I just don't get the full enjoyment of it that I usually do, at worst it triggers a negative mood because I'm reminded of how much I don't feel like myself right now,

And the isolation of being in a global pandemic doesn't help, texting people is great but you can't get held while you cry over text,

It could be worse I suppose because at least I know that how I'm feeling and thinking right now won't last, in previous bad mental health episodes one of the fears I would have is that I would be stuck that way, and now I know better than to think that which definitely helps eliminate or at the very least minimize the feelings of hopelessness and despair

[ruwithmeguys]

MG said the song for episode 20 is Until You Come Back To Me. The lyrics are sad and it sounds like Oliver's just going to wait some more. And he said it takes 2 to break up: does she think she has to apologise or something? It was his fault! This sounds like a very painful episode...

Are we setting ourselves up for a fallhere? Are we looking forward to an episode (20) that’s going to basically tellus why Olicity are the way they are with each other and that’s it? There’ll beno reunion? Just this recognition of what happened and why but nothingmore? 

Is that what you actually took from those lyrics and the spoilers?

…Um.

Honestly? (Please don’t be offended) I 100% disagree… (Feelfree to disagree with; I could be very wrong).

The lyrics from Until You Come Back to Me… First I need to point out that I thinksome people take them as a step by step representation of the episode when theyreally shouldn’t be. Not one of MG’s song choices have been 100% accurate inregards to the contents in any episode. What they DO do is create an overallfeel for what might be shown/seen and it’s usually in regard to Olicity. Butbecause they’re taken so seriously they are often misinterpreted and thus thedepression starts…

But… sad? THESE LYRICS? I’d say the exact opposite.

I absolutely adore them.

They give me nothing but hope.

To understand why though, you need to look – REALLY LOOK – at Oliver.

Yes, I know, whynot Felicity, right?

Well… because Oliver is Felicity.

Let’s look at their respective emotional positions this season.

Now we haven’t been given a lot of detail into this and I feel likethat’s for a reason. A good one. As said by @jbuffyangel​ usually the pacing ofArrow seasons has each build up to a climax, usually with the final 5 episodesfocused on - and being primarily occupied - by the most important aspect of theshow for that season. Something that sends a message. Something that’s beenlong since coming, something for the protagonist to either earn or realise orrequire for strength (or a mix of the 3). So it makes sense that Olicity’s‘confrontation’ is in episode 20, right before the final 3.

But other than this, I bet you’re wondering why it took them so long?

Well, there’s @marcguggenheim​answer: there were other stories to tell and there were. He’s right: we can’t sacrifice story-lines to propel a romance we KNOWis going to happen. And we also know that once they do happen, they’ll probablybe at the forefront of a lot of stories come season 6 (something for which I amgreatly looking forward to).

But there’s also a second part to it that, if Marc explained, wouldprobably ruin whatever surprise is coming our way.

At the beginning of the season, wesee Oliver + Felicity working perfectly in unison with each other, but there’san edge. Stephen referred to it asrobotic; kind of like how he was throughout season1. A deliberate way of acting byStephen and Emily, an unconscious expression of behaviour for Oliver andFelicity.

In what I’ve seen (which albeit,isn’t much) people – ex-partners – usually do this when they’ve either a) beenhurt and are defending themselves from further hurt or b) areunable to face something that also/still hurts. See the theme?

It’s about pain.

But, from what I’ve seen floating around on tumblr, a lot of people seemto think Oliver was waiting for Felicity and that he closed the door to ‘them’after he found out she was dating, but I don’t think that’s correct.

Was he hoping? Hell yes. He’s always hoping she’ll turn around and give him anotherchance, always hoping he can become a better man for her.

But, was he WAITING?

No he wasn’t. Oliver had fully accepted that Felicity had said no, buthe still kept the door open for her to come back through if she wanted to… shedidn’t.

But he didn’t close it.

He just decided to further accepther choice and resigned himself to whatever came his way in his life. Resigned. How lonely a word that is. He didn’t go fishing, he didn’t search for romance, he didn’t even glance upwards (hedidn’t: watch the episodes).

Instead, he simply said yes to the first offer he received.

After watching episodes 16, 17 and 18; I think I now understand why.

Oliver accepted long ago that hewasn’t worthy of Felicity. I just didn’t know that he hasn’t stopped feelingthat way.

In season 3 + 4 Felicity got him tosee that he did in fact have self worth and he started to see it in himselftoo; he started to believe. But not once did he think he was truly worthyof Felicity. Did he think he was the luckiest man on the planet because shechose him to love above all others? Very much so. But he considers himselflucky because she chose to love a man who will always be deficit, a man whowears a monster as a mask.

And after they broke up, whyearnestly look for that kind of happiness again when he doesn’t feel he’sworthy of the happiness he did receive- because he proved he didn’t by destroying it - because what he wants aboveall else he knows he can’t have again? 

Why try to win her back, to turn herhead around when he feels – in his core – that he isn’t just unworthy of her,but that there’s something very wronginside of him? Why put that on her again?

She’ll only suffer for it and he’s caused her enough.

So he settled. And accepted. Therewas no movingon. But there was also no waiting forher to come back. It would be insulting to both of them for him to do that.

And now Oliver has lost what little hope he did have.

It’s as if, without Felicity, heslowly lost sight of the good he cando and everything good thatcan happen in life.

Which comes to this point: since weknow how he feels about himself now – someone sick at the core who ruins lives,someone who takes pleasure in the kill – do you honestly think that episode 20is going to be about Oliver telling Felicity thathe understands nowwhere he went wrong, has grown from it, has dealt with his trauma, accepts herdecision and will wait for her as she goes on her dark path…?

…Yeah, I’m going to give a big fat NO onthat one.

He isn’t close toseeing that light. It’s right there but he just can’t see the wood for thetrees and there are so many…

What he wants rightnow (ep19?) is to keep Felicityfrom falling down with him because he sees her jumping into Helix’s arms aresult of his own darkness infecting her.

He doesn’t realise that she has her own ‘dark’ to experiment with –something she needs to do to understand herself more and her own insecurities.He also doesn’t realise that Adrian’s words are in his head speaking for him.

Who else could possibly make him see through that, other than Felicity?I mean, IT’S FELICITY: the one who taught him that he does have light insidehim.

That line Oliver says, about her beingthe unforeseen force Adrian didn’t count on? Well, maybe he did. Maybe he’spart of Helix, maybe he isn’t. But I guarantee Adriandidn’t count on her influence on Oliver.

Adrian implanted Oliver with a notion that no longer holds true, hasn’theld true for a while now.

Of course heenjoyed darkness. Of course he relished killing.Of course he wanted it.

After five years fighting to live, how else is he supposed tocompartmentalise? It only told me that he is one smart cookie.

Oliver feels things deeply. He experiences emotions on levels that couldcripple most. How do you think he could ever deal with doing what he’s had todo over and over again in the years he had to survive alone? If he doesn’tlearn to like it then he has to admit each time that he hates it and constanthate is extra weight (added to guilt etc) that slows you down. Get’s youkilled.

And he promised his father he’d survive.

THAT was how he chose to survive.Subconsciously, his mind knew enough to see he needed to change. To fit this constantly hostile environment. So he learned to like it.

It’s a subliminal, near neurological response: a lot of militarypersonnel – soldiers (usually not officers) front line guys, squad vets andspecial forces – probably do the same. They learn to somewhat - if not enjoywhat they do - then take comfort in their ‘work’ in differing ways and usually,they adapt towards the environments that create such feelings and that can bewhere the PTSD comes from.

OH LOOK AT THAT! A CONNECTIVE POINT!

PTSD often shows itself most when thesufferer has to return to normalcy. When they have to experience quiet again,kindness again (things that remind you you’re alive and human) and face thecreature they’ve been forced to become.

Oliver never did; his PTSD has come out in various ways (hyper vigilanceetc) but the most prevalent is his habit towards self destruction. His lies.

His way of hiding his dark.

The Hood.

The problem, was that he split himself down the centre in the hopes ofseparating himself from it when he never needed to. It’s like being analcoholic. You can’t split that from yourself; you have to confront it. It’spainful and it can takes years. 

In creating the divide he gave his darkness room to breathe.

I think… (guessing)he lied to Felicity about William to protect himself. To unknowingly defend andconceal his weakness/his darkness. A man/woman suffering PTSD is always on thedefence. He/she expects the worst of any situation and as such, creates theworse possible outcome each time.

I don’t think we should beconcentrating on why Oliver lied, but on why he feels he has to do that, on why he keeps doing it. Why he keeps making that same mistake, as he does every singleseason.

Seeing it in that perspective, puts what he did in a more sympatheticlight. Does it make it right? Nope. Not a chance. But it gives us anunderstanding as to why he’d do that to the one person he never had to hidefrom. Here’s hoping we get some clues/answers.

Now, Oliver was the impetus that broke their relationship… but Felicitywas the one who broke them up.

That is her mark to bare.

PLEASE! NOWBEFORE PEOPLE START THROWING THINGS AT ME, PLEASE GIVE ME A MOMENT:

Breaking up with him was the right option; what he did required that jolt of reality. She needed that… butit’s her reasons why she did that are the problem.

Notice how she never gave him – her Oliver– a second chance? Why? He’s the love of her life: why hold so steadfastly tosomething that makes them both miserable? Neither of them have given one honestsmile all sodding year!!

So… why do this to them? (Because they’ll never be a ‘him’ and ‘her’.They’re an ‘US’ always and forever. What happens to her happens to him,so why?)

Again, I might be very wrong but, I think Felicity kept that door closedsimply because she saw in Oliver all the things she feared. She saw a man whowould one day leave her, who would do as her father did, as Cooper did… andwhat was so wrong with her that they kept leaving?

So she left him. She left him. She needs to see that. And I think she does.

And because she does - because she’sunderstanding about her own darkness - she can understand his, she’ll see him. I mean, is it any surprise after seeing season 2, 3, 4 and this season that it’s Felicity who might see the light (metaphoricallyspeaking)? 

I REALLY DON’T think Oliver is in any kind of place to do so, do you?

If these two love birds had beenready for marriage, if they’d been ready for each other, if they’d understood the way they thought they’d had. Oliver wouldn’t have lied.

But even if he had (devil’s advocate)… they would have fought. Argueduntil the walls shook. Eviscerated each other with words if necessary untilthey’re this raw nerve that bows only to honesty. So they’d inevitably have sex- because that’s always an honest expression of emotion - the kind thatwears into the bone, until you feel nothing, until you can’t breathe. Then maybethey’d cry… then laugh.

Until it’s sorted.

They weren’t there yet.

So those lyrics?

I am so sorry that I bothered youNow I know why you have to hideI didn’t know what you were going throughAll I could see was my own signI will just fade awayI will let you be hereI won’t say a word until you come to meUntil you come to meUntil you come to meThey just tell me what you’re in there forHow could I know you did not say?But now I know what I am living forTomorrow will be just another dayI will close my eyesAnd I hear a quiet peepI will wait in the shadows until you come to meUntil you come to meUntil you come to me, ohAh, sweet youth will all too quickly endAnd we will never be this freeSo all I ask is that we look againBefore we grow too old to seeI will fall aloneMy elm was sweet and envyStill I will be crying until you come to meUntil you come to meUntil you come to me, ah 

I’m not going to analyse it all because there’s no point: it isn’t a bitby bit sketch of the episode.

But it tells me that theunderstanding we’ve been waiting for Felicity to reach, may finally be herebecause Oliver knows he fucked up.

He knows he did this to them, knowshe destroyed them. But unless she understands his vulnerability, his weakness, his heart - then nothing will change. Maybe it’sup to her. To lead him into the right direction so he can takethat step into the light himself. 

“How could I know, you did not say?”

It’s suggestive: in the episode they might both basically say ‘I get it now and I‘m sorry.’

But I’m right here… untilyou come to me.

It looks like that so-called closed door will get opened waaaaaay wide(about time right?)

Unless I’m completely wrong and ridiculous etc

But MG is kind of genius with this stuff (Oliver and his darkness andthe light and Felicity) so I’m remaining hopeful.

I think it might be pretty brutalin regards to honestly; they haven’t talked all season so we aren’t sued to itbut that might be the effect that they’ve aimed for: like a kamikaze run. Shockand awe.

Also, I DON’T think there’ll be a reunion in episode20 and THANK GOD for that. I don’t want it resolved in 1 episode. I do however think it’ll set up the next 3 eps.

I wrote a post weeks ago statingthat 1 good, LONG and brutally honest conversation was all it would take forOlicity to get back together. I can’t tell you how unbelievably psyched I’ll beif turns out to being even close to true.

So… I hope that answered that(not quite an ask, ask) for you. I’ve only been receiving asks for a littlewhile (it’s always surprising) and thankfully, it’s only sporadically because Ican’t answer some of the few I get and I’m always terrified at the potentialreaction I may receive!

[otdderamin]

Transcript Ep84 1:11:11 Hallway drinking party + analysis of Percy’s current mental health

NOTE: Making conjectures about anyone's mental health from purely observational information is inherently flawed. I emphatically suggest you don't do so for real people. It can cause us to make incorrect assumptions about them, misinterpret their intentions, incorrectly assess their abilities, or invite bias against them. I'm also very wary of psychological assessments for fictional characters. But sometimes a character’s actions only make sense when you understand their psychology, and it is for that reason that I’m sharing my assessment of Percy.

Many people have enough direct or indirect experience with depression and anxiety to empathize with them. They may influence who a person is, but in a mostly reliable way. You expect Vax to be mostly gloomy. You expect Keyleth to over-analyze everything. It's very hard for most people to empathize with bipolar disorder precisely because it can put a person's behavior all over the map. It's harder to spot the signs of since it keeps the person in so much flux. If you start to get a read on someone, and then they do something totally opposite of what you’d expect, it’s easy to doubt that your analysis. That said, this is only a well educated guess, I believe it's a useful guess, but it could be incorrect.

In Talks Machina Ep3 0:56:56, Taliesin says death left Percy, “feeling very committed to his current manic phase that he’s going through. There will probably be a, you know, a depressive phase at the end of this." Those two sentences use psychiatric language implying bipolar disorder, which Percy’s behavior is consistent with (painfully so, at times). He started out the broadcast fairly stable, but rapidly deteriorated into a mixed state (plus PTSD) when the Briarwoods were reintroduced. Mixed affective state is the most unpredictable and dangerous; consider the worst thoughts attached to depression with an abundance of nervous energy and lack of impulse control. He started stabilizing again after Whitestone was restored. But his role in killing Vex in Ep44 sent him into depression. He bottomed out in Ep57. Looking for help from the Raven Queen at all was a sure sign of desperation from a guy that’s largely ignored the gods. But more significant is the walk home. Casting hex on himself is the only deliberate act of self half from any of the characters so far, and he did it directly after talking to death herself. His mood markedly improved after that.

Ep84 is the first time we've seen Percy depressed since Ep64, while showing Vax the Raven Queen's Temple. In those 16 days, Vax has started coming out of his gloom. But that's not what we see in Percy's behavior. In Talks Machina Ep3 (0:56:45, post-Ep76), a fan said Percy "seems in better humors", and Taliesin explicitly referred to it as Percy's "current manic phase" (0:56:56). I think Percy can feel the edges of it in Ep64, anxious distress pushing him to very earnestly ask Vax not to trust him (1:56:32). It starts really showing itself when Ripley came back into the picture (Ep66). His expression of distress, through Ep68, shows classic signs of mania (compounded with PTSD): racing thoughts, rapid talking in Ep67, agitation, trouble focusing on required tasks, and obsessive focus. The way he handles Raishan in Ep70 shows a marked increase in self-esteem and reïnforces the hyper-focus. The way he kissed Vex in Ep72 showed even more marked self-esteem, increase in goal-oriented behavior, and, given his insecurity, increased risk-taking. The most dangerous manifestation was in Ep73 when he asked if they should protect Whitestone (1:37:28), was told no, and then stabbed Raishan (1:45:44). That is squarely in the ranks of a sense of grandiosity, racing thoughts, being overly goal-oriented, and "excessive involvement in activates with a high potential for painful consequences." (DSM-5). Which is also why he came up short explaining his actions. It seemed like a good idea in the high of the moment, but it's obviously a bad idea in hindsight. The mania backed off a bit after that, but it's the restless energy that pervaded his actions under pressure up until now.

But in this scene, we see that mood starting to crash. He’s still showing manic signs. He says he’s very tired in both Ep83 and Ep84 (0:50:11), but still stays up until 3 am. He’s aware that his ideas for pranking Scanlan might be impulsive and poor judgement, so he asks Pike to check him. But we see increasingly more signs of depression. His inflated self-esteem starts crumbling back to self-recrimination. The guilt and hopelessness start crashing in again. His agitation changes from a restlessness to do things into bitterness. We see him struggling to concentrate and be articulate (1:15:24). His preoccupation with death turns back towards his personal relationship with it (rather than outward towards Ripley, Raishan, and Thordak). This is the only episode where it was stated that he drank so heavily he can’t entirely remember the night before. Which could be a worrying symptom, but could also just be the release of that night.

Mania can be exacerbated by intense pressure. The need to react quickly and decisively tends to push the mind that way and keep it there. But once that pressure is gone, one tends to crash. If you think of mood like a wave, shorter cycles and higher amplitudes are both more dangerous and positively reinforce each other. So, if this was a fast and bad cycle up, there's a good chance that his mood will crash down quickly and badly (it might not, and further pressure could influence it). It's also possible that the sheer size of the stakes they've been playing for made Percy's manic cycle look worse than it really was. Any unnecessary risk taking could so easily end in such a huge disaster for them, or pay huge dividends. I do believe Taliesin in Talks Machina Ep3 (0:57:35), when he says that Percy's healthier than he was, but also, and importantly, that he isn't healthy.

Layered on top of his fluctuating mood are important changes in his outlook: he's become more emotionally open with his friends, he's increasingly feeling like he doesn't have control of or choice in the direction of his life, and he's become increasingly mistrustful of things like magic if he can't see how they work.

He was so closed off through the Whitestone arc that his friends could barely help him, even though he was in tremendous distress. Vex was the only one who got through to him at all. In his quiet conversations with Vax (Ep32 2:42:42, Ep44 1:15:21, and Ep64 1:51:03) he held a lot back, though a lot less in Ep64. There's a marked difference in how earnest he was in Ep67 1:36:46 when he tells Vex and Vax his fears about Ripley and himself. His conversation with Vex in the woods in Ep72 is similarly open. But we've never seen him as desperately frank as he is in this hallway (that openness leading to his tirade in Ep85).

Percy has a lot of interesting control issues. He's generally fine letting things, people, or situations be. He doesn't mind things being a mess around him and he has no constant need to bring order to things. But in high-stakes situations, combat, negotiations, and other things that scare him, he "is very much about the idea of creating bubbles of control" (Talks Machina Ep8 Twitch 0:54:58, bottom of the article). Magic has had a huge influence in controlling his life lately, but he has no basis to understand how it works, his way of trusting things, and he has no way to assert control over it. So, his reaction is to push it away entirely.

Rule of Whitestone is weighing more and more heavily on him. In Ep24 (0:20:09), while telling Vox Machina about Whitestone and the coup, he says, "I had nothing in my life other than my family. I was never really going to inherit anything. I wasn't going to run anything. I was idle." Julius and Vesper handled matters of court. Everything he's said about his early history suggest he had no interest in rule and probably not much specific training. His mental disorders make him inherently unreliable. He might learn to manage that better, but he'll never be free of it. Part of Percy's ego is a constant need to prove that he's more clever and capable than other people. So, to find himself in a role he's ill-prepared for would be a tremendous source of anxiety. When Cassandra asks him to commit to helping her run Whitestone (Ep73 52:36), he deflects, and his anxiety is palpable. In Talks Machina Ep5 (Alpha 1:05:55 for Ep78), Taliesin was asked how he felt about Percy and Cassandra's relationship. He says, "[Cassandra] is a representation of everything he's been ignoring while he's been out finding himself. He has been out finding himself, and he has discovered that he really likes that person, and is horrified that he may have to go back. He does not want to go back. He will go back. Probably-Maybe. Probably. Possibly. Who knows? But he's- yeah. She is a stunning example of his guilt, and everything that he has done wrong in his life, and every time he looks at her he is painfully aware of his own weakness, and is so guilty, so guilt ridden. He's not over that at all."

He's thankful to have his home back, but it's also an external reminder of the coup that may be causing him a lot of unspoken pain because of his PTSD (Cassandra as well, and I think he knows that). We don't actually know a lot about the events of that night, so we can't be sure how much of his guilt is appropriate, disproportionate, or delusional. We do know that a component of what he's feeling is survivor's guilt, given that he says, "I just… miss an awful lot of people, that's all. And I don't understand how we get to choose." (1:16:27) Staying in Whitestone, however much he loves the place, means resigning himself to a pained life he has little temperament or experience to do well in. So, it's significant that he sits in this hallway, this night, and says, "I know my life isn't my own. My life is all of yours. My life is my sister's. My life is, this castle's. My life ended." Vox Machina has been an escape from all of this, a chance to live his life on his terms for the first time. Now he's looking down the road and seeing, intellectually, that he'll have to give up that freedom. He's resigned to it, but he hasn't accepted it in any healthy way or he wouldn't say, "My life ended." Not that he'll have to restructure or make accommodations in his life, but that his role in his life is over.

This isn't that that different from Vax first resigning himself to being in the control of the Raven Queen as her champion. Vax was placed in that position by fate rather than will. Vax has been able to learn that that he's quite competent in that mantle, however much trepidation he still holds for his future. But Percy knows enough about what will be required of him to also know that it will never come naturally to him. All he bleakly sees is another mask to put on, to live for years as someone he's not, and never could be. The pain of this resignation is largely why Percy lashes out at Scanlan in Ep85.

 If you like this transcript, please consider donating to Critical Role Transcripts, @CRTranscript, to help them provide closed captioning to Critical Role. We'd like to share this wonderful show with as many people as possible, regardless of hearing ability or English language skills.

 Transcript method notes: http://otdderamin.tumblr.com/post/153539301510/a-note-on-my-transcription-method

 Scene runs: 1:11:12 to 1:31:03 https://youtu.be/KiGoxBJQ_I0?t=4272

 [Everyone starts out understandably upset, through the resurrection ritual. When it succeeds, most of their moods lift with relief. Percy's doesn't. He looks more introspective. His words drag, trying to resolve the last details needed to let Scanlan rest and recover.]

0:50:11 Percy: "I am going to go back to the castle, sit down, take this off, and, I think, sleep for a long while."

0:50:20 Marisha: "Yeah, what time of day is it?"

0:50:22 Matt: "At this time… the arrival here… it's pushing past sunset, I'm pretty sure. Or if not, it's probably early night, with the hour it took for the ritual."

…

[Kerrek and Grog started drinking in the hallway outside Scanlan's room, Ker trying to press Grog for information about resurrection rituals. Pike just joined them in the hallway. Ker went to get more alcohol.]

1:11:12 Matt, indicating Taliesin: "So, you wander in."

1:11:13 Taliesin: "Yes."

1:11:14 Matt: "Kerrek wandered away."

1:11:15 Taliesin: "I'm going to wander into the room,"

Percy salutes Grog and Pike sitting in the hallway outside Scanlan's room, drinking.

1:11:16 Taliesin: "with a nod, and just sit for a moment."

1:11:20 Grog, suspiciously pointing at Percy: "Wait! Prove that you're you."

1:11:23 Percy, studies Grog, scrutinizing the idea.

1:11:25 Percy, slowly, wistfully: "No…"

1:11:27 Grog, nodding, satisfied, "It's you."

1:11:27 Percy, slightly relieved: "Thank you."

Percy takes a drink and sighs.

(1:11:39 Taliesin, laughing: "I love you so much.")

1:11:41 Matt: "Alright, so you sit for a bit. Ker eventually returns with a second bottle of matching alcohol. Unopened though. The same-"

1:11:48 Pat, mimicking holding up two bottles: "Two! Two! Two hands!"

1:11:51 Matt: "Oh! So you go for a third bottle as well."

1:11:54 Pat: "Yes."

1:11:54 Matt: "Two unopened bottles of the same brackish liquor."

1:12:00 Percy sighs, clearly reflecting on something.

1:12:01 Pat: "And I'll pass one to both of the people that I was not drinking with before. I'll pass them off."

1:12:11 Matt: "Okay, so, Pike and Percival, you have a fresh bottle jammed into your hand."

1:12:14 Pike, singsong: "One for me!"

1:12:17 Percy: "I'll be passing this around a bit." He takes a drink, and salutes them with the bottle. "Mmm."

1:12:24 Pike, excitedly sitting up and smiling: "Should we all sit on the bed around Scanlan like a slumber party?"

1:12:28 Grog, deliberating in a high voice: "Is that creepy?"

1:12:30 Percy, dispirited: "Honestly, I'm thinking about going through his things. So, no, I don't think it is."

Pike and Grog laugh.

1:12:33 Grog, satisfied: "Well. Okay."

1:12:36 Matt: Makes a fart noise. "Scanlan is definitely alive.

They laugh, most heartily. But Percy falls back to a low mood far before the others stop laughing.

1:12:49 Pike, warmly: "What were you guys talking about, out there? If I can be so rude to ask?"

1:12:53 Grog: "Oh, us?"

1:12:54 Ker: "Uh… The liquor… is has, uh, fabulous brackish notes."

1:12:58 Grog, in his high dishonest voice: "Yep. Notes of brack."

1:13:03 Pike, laughing, seeing through him: "Great. Great."

1:13:05 Percy, without real pride: "Thank you. We make it here."

1:13:07 Grog, excitedly to Pike: "We were, um- I was also- talking about what a great job you do. Apparently, you're really rare."

1:13:16 Pike: "What do you mean?"

1:13:17 Grog, with admiration: "Apparently, you and your resurrections, they don't always work. Which is amazing."

1:13:25 Pike, matter of fact: "They don't always work."

Percy subtly flinches.

1:13:27 Grog, impressed: "I didn't know that!"

1:13:28 Pike: "They don't. We've been very fortunate. We've been very fortunate… What did you- why do you ask, Ker?"

1:13:39 Ker: "I've never actually seen anything like that before. It was quite an experience. Am I still wearing my armor?"

1:13:50 Pat: "I might actually ask that out loud."

1:13:53 Matt: "And he is! He's still wearing his armor, unwashed. A few of you have gotten washed," Taliesin nods, indicating himself, Travis shakes his head "A few or you are still going over the events of the day. Grog is not washed."

1:14:04 Ashley: "Not yet."

1:14:05 Laura: "Grog never washes!"

1:14:06 Matt: "Yeah."

1:14:06 Travis: "Parfum du Grog."

1:14:07 Laura pretends to gag.

1:14:08 Matt: "So yeah, he is still wearing his armor."

1:14:09 Pat: "You get the marvelous spectacle of a slightly older, slightly portly man shrugging out of a full suit of chain mail. It's entertaining. And then just dumps it on the floor, and then the padding underneath."

Kerrek sighs in relief.

1:14:39 Grog: "That's a lot of shit you wear, man."

1:14:42 Ker, deadpan: "You know, what I forgot over all these years? Like, the sweat gathers in your ass."

The others laugh in agreement. Percy barely manages a laugh in contrast. His fidgeting suggests increasing agitation.

1:14:51 Grog: "Right. Yeah."

1:14:53 Pike: "Swamp ass."

1:14:54 Marisha, laughing hard: "Swamp ass."

1:14:55 Pike: "Swamp ass."

1:14:55 Marisha, laughing hard: "Butt crack. Yeah…"

1:14:56 Pike: "It's a thing."

1:14:57 Marisha: "It sucks."

1:14:57 Ker: "You'd think that I would remember, but, no. I had forgotten that."

1:15:04 Pike: "It just drips right in."

1:15:05 Percy, deadpan: "I forget, and then suddenly I remember, that I met you all in a prison cell."

1:15:15 Pike, fondly: "I remember very well.

1:15:16 Percy: laughs mirthlessly.

1:15:19 Percy, sadly, "It's not fair, is it?"

1:15:21 Grog asks, "What?"

1:15:24 Percy, increasingly downcast, struggling for words: "Well, just one day… You lose so many people, and then just one day you just stop. And at what point in your life, it just…? You decide that suddenly, for no reasons, it just… You're just not allowed to die yet. You're just- Your life isn't your own anymore. Suddenly, you've done what you were supposed to do, and now you're back, and… it's just not yours anymore, is it? And what of everybody else? It's not fair. Any of it. … I don't know." He takes another drink, and starts drinking more often.

1:16:04 Grog, puzzled and inquisitive: "What? You don't think your life is your own?"

1:16:07 Percy, emphatically, tinged with distress: "I know my life isn't my own. My life is all of yours. My life is my sister's. My life is, "he looks around like he's feeling trapped, "this castle's." He takes a long drink. "My life ended."

1:16:24 Pike, concerned: "Do you feel-"

1:16:27 Percy, with a pained smile: "I am very glad to be here." He laughs grimly, then continues sadly. "I just… miss an awful lot of people, that's all. And I don't understand how we get to choose."

1:16:42 Grog, with dawning understanding: "Oh…"

1:16:47 Pike, consolingly: "I understand."

1:16:48 Percy: "I know."

1:16:50 Grog, whispering to Pike: "I just got it, too."

1:16:52 Pike, whispering to Grog: "Yeah."

1:16:52 Percy: "I know you don't, Grog. I'm so grateful that you don't."

1:16:57 Percy sighs, staring at the bottle in thought a few moments. Then raises it in a toast.

1:17:00 Percy: "To the unyielding unfairness of the universe."

1:17:03 Grog: "Yep! Raising drinks."

They all raise their drinks.

1:17:04 Liam: "I'm not even here, and I'm raising it."

1:17:06 Marisha: "Yeah, I'll- cheers to that."

1:17:07 Liam: "Fuckin' a."

1:17:08 Ker: "I'll drink."

1:17:12 Percy, taking a long pull: "And that it decided that we get to keep this bastard." With a wry, rueful smile, "Hardly fair."

[Percy instigates pranking Scanlan, his tone one of affection.]

1:18:09 Taliesin: "I don't know if Percy is that… has that much of a lack of propriety. I'm really debating, though. How much have we had to drink?"

1:18:18 Matt: "Well, that's up to you. Other members of this room have gotten quite drunk."

…

[They prank Scanlan, dressing him in one of Pike's nightgowns and smearing pudding on him.]

1:21:48 Taliesin: "I'm going to smear some of [the pudding] on his forehead so he can read it in the mirror, backwards, it's just going to say, 'No. Never.'"

…

[Kerrek helps them tie Scanlan up.]

1:23:23 Matt: "Yeah. Alright. And with the presentation complete, your… diorama con Scanlan, the evening draws late. Now probably a good two thirty, three o'clock in the morning on completion."

1:23:40 Percy: "It is time for sleep."

…

[The next morning.]

1:30:29 Matt: "Kerrek now wanders in, very hungover."

1:30:32 Percy: "Good morning."

1:30:34 Pat: "Yeah… Very… Yeah… I look every bit as old as I am."

1:30:42 Grog: "Yeah! Swamp ass!"

1:30:46 Pike, cheerily: "Hey!"

1:30:48 Grog: "Are we not…?

1:30:52 Keyleth: "Swamp ass?"

1:30:52 Pike: "I remember!"

1:30:52 Percy, looking confused: "I don't remember, what?"

1:30:54 Pike: "He was talking about his butt getting sweaty."

1:30:57 Percy, hazily recalling it: "Oh. That got weird, didn't it?"

1:31:00 Pike: "It happens."

1:31:01 Percy grimaces like he's still trying to come to terms with the morning, and probably hung over.

 1:31:03

[hey-its-kay-streams]

Hey its Kay reviews Pokémon Shield

Hey, its Kay. Welcome to my unsolicited review of Pokémon Shield. Sword will be my upcoming LP. First, some background about me as a gamer and then, the set up for the review. 

I'm a casual gamer. I do this for fun and as stress relief. I've played Pokémon since Gen 1; Yellow was my first game. I've played every generation to come out since. Dexit was upsetting, but not a major game changer, I've actually expected it for years. The fact that they claimed we'd always be able to have all our Pokémon and now it seemed to no longer be true, was a little upsetting. I play for the story and being able to do cute things with my mons. Sometimes shinys, and I've never really been interested in competitive. 

The review will be in parts, including; Characters, plot, Pokémon, graphics, postgame, featurettes. Each section will get a score out of 10 and a (hopefully) short commentary. Full disclosure, haven't finished the game yet. 

Plot.

6.5/10. Shallower in some regards than expected, nothing revolutionary.

I have to say upfront, it feels like there was an attempt made. As a long time player, it feels weird to go through the region and… let the adults handle the side plot. Goodness, it was actually refreshing in a way, to know that there are capable people handling things for once. 

Would it be cool to see? Heck yeah. 

Would it be cool to experience the aftermath? Absolutely. 

Did any of that happen? No. Pokémon has hard primed me to expect incompetent authority figures and reluctantly be pulled into local shenanigans that I have to stop and/or clean up. Champion Leon handled the thing? Awesome. Go to the next gym? But, things are happening, right there!

If the League Challenge is the A plot, Local Shenanigans (usually evil team) are the B plot. Together, they have built an interesting story in past gens. This time, the B plot happens concurrently, as usual, but doesn't become a concern for MC until the very end, where it intersects the A plot. 

We essentially have half the content we got in previous gens, plot wise. It doesn't feel great. 

Characters. 

7/10. Promising start, weak follow through.

Again, I can clearly tell there was an attempt made. Because so many of the side characters are on the Protection Squad. (My children 🥺). Again, the execution was shallow but there was potential there.

Hop. FFS, someone put that child in counseling. There are very concerning signs literally all over his house. The house is practically a shrine to Leon. Hop has a worrying inferiority complex, but his character growth, while inadequate, is a start. 

Sonia. 1st off, where are her parents? Why does no one support her? I wanted to smack Magnolia. I still want to smack her. I want to smack an old lady for the way she treats her granddaughter. Another bleeping inferiority complex, not nearly as bad as Hop, thank goodness. She's intelligent and capable and I wish that since our B plot got washed, we got to experience her research in more depth. Research assistant assistant instead of preteen vigilante? I'm here for it.

Bede. (I'll pronounce it Beed, until further notice.) He's an annoying little punk who doesn't have a humble bone in his body and just… disappears part way through the story. I found battling him lackluster, but it could have just been a type advantage that left me feeling like he wasn't much challenge. Hop was more interesting to battle. Personality wise, he was desperate to prove himself in a way that felt different than Hop, his motivations were his own. It just promises a payoff we never get.

Marnie. I like her, in general. The only character I didn't feel the urge to wrap in blankets, give a mug of cocoa and sign up for therapy immediately. She's got moxie, determination and an admirable goal she's working toward. Even if Team Yell is more an annoyance than a challenge, their connection to her builds depth instead of taking it away. Marnie is reluctant of their presence, chastises them when they cause trouble but comes off as pretty fond of them. As a rival, Marnie tops the list in terms of challenge. Her Morpeko was more trouble than I expected of a pikaclone, tbh.

And, if her accent isn't straight up, level 2 cockney, I'll riot.

Leon. Eat, sleeps, breathes Pokémon battling. Has no sense of direction, which, relatable tbh. 100% would be babysat by my Pokémon, too. Competent, confident, other c words. Cares about Hop, surprisingly. I was surprised at not only his awareness of Hop's depression but also his concern. They are not portrayed as particularly close, for all that Hop idolizes Leon. Otherwise, Leon isn't much of a person; he's an image. A pretty one, especially in his postgame outfit, but not a lot of substance. 

Professor Magnolia. As of right now, she's on 'Can Catch These Hands' list. Not a good look.

Gym Leaders. An interesting bunch. Milo is too good for this world. Opal is a riot who has the worst taste, but I guess we all have flaws, she was on the more challenging side unexpectedly. Allister is smol, must protect. Raihan and Piers were also on the tough side. In fact, to date, I have not yet won against Raihan. Sent my Pokémon to work instead. 

Rose and Oleana. Rose is... not exactly wrong. He’s hyper focused on the big picture, missing the details that build it. He complains of others not understanding his vision but, when did he share it? He bears the burden of knowledge, the weight of his task but spurns the everyday person and their ignorance. He's power mad.

Oleana and her triangle mouth set back Women's Rights by at least 10 years, single handedly. 

Pokémon. 

7/10. Blurb.

A mixed bag. 1000000000% cannot pay me to revive any of the fossils, screw that. Will do tradebacks for my LP, do not want. I like the Galarian forms overall, except meowth. New Pokémon weren't exceptional overall but I was pleased to discover and learn about them. 

Graphics. 

6/10. Great for Pokémon, lackluster for Switch.

Self-contained within the Pokéverse, this is a beautiful game. 8.5/10. Doesn't surpass SuMo but no worse. The Wild Area is a glimpse of what could be, what trainers around the world hope to get one day soon. Very soon. What we hoped for this game, lbr. For a Switch game, it doesn't meet first party  standard. 5/10.

Character graphics, not impressed. Individuals get like maybe 3 poses/idles. Hop glaringly recycles Hau's animations. Mon animations lack life. Move and battle animations also desperately need some TLC. 

Cities are another letdown. Beautiful but shallow. Nothing to do, nothing to see. You get maybe 2 interactions with NPCs, if you're lucky.

Postgame. 

X/10. To be determined.

Still ain't beat the game yet but from what I know of it from friends and PokéTubers, it's like, the Battle Tower and a bit of intrigue about the Hero of Galar. From a casual perspective, I guess shiny hunting, once you earn the charm. I am hearing good things about the Battle Tower so I will give it a shot as is my norm. Hopefully it'll keep my interest this gen.

Featurettes. 

3/10. Lacking in substance.

Past gens have had a concurrent side gig since they introduced contests in gen 3. The Pokeathlon was my favorite, with PokeStar Studios coming second. I did as much of contests and battle royals that was required to move forward in the story. In Galar, they seem to have combined the pomp and in game popularity of side games with the gym challenge. While it does make sense, it thins the depth of the universe. Where are the activities for people who like training Pokémon but don't want to battle? The league cup is a big thing, sure, but the only thing? Lame. We don't even get much about the Minor League, other than its existence. 

When I first learned about Max Raid Battles, I, like many others, immediately thought of Pokémon Go. I actually play fairly regularly. What I don’t do regularly are raids above level 2. Those require people. I ain’t about that life. SwSh solves that by providing NPCs if you can’t get other players but… they are Pokémon NPCs. 

No catch contests, no puzzles, no secrets, nowhere to walk with your mons, no legendaries. No arbitrary (re)quests from NPCs. I like the Rotom Rally, if only as a GPS because the wild area can be hard to navigate, and I have no sense of direction.

The currydex is more complicated than it needed to be. In consideration with the rest of the game, I think of all the content and plot we could have had, but we got curry. That requires way too many berries, I never want to shake another bleeping berry tree again. 

If you stuck around this long, thanks. This is the end. Overall, I enjoyed the game and look forward to my Sword LP, coming soonish.

[troubleshooting-phoenix]

Escape

That’s what the train tickets were called, and it felt like a good description for that whole trip.

Hey. I said I would give some more details about the trip I was talking about last time, and here I am.

I worked until 7pm the day before, and was up until midnight finishing packing and getting ready. Not that it mattered, I have chronic insomnia and the excitement and nervous energy for the trip and the show was going to make sleeping nearly impossible. I did sleep for at least 2 or 3 hours though. And then at butt crack in the morning, my aunt drove me to pick up my travel buddy and drove us both to the train station.

She talked about wanting coffee, but I was pretty focused on keeping myself from exploding in fiery ball of excitement. I don’t like coffee anyway. (Shh... no one tell Jack. I don’t want to be disowned from the fan base!) She had also warned me that she would likely sleep on the train ride, so I had brought along Jenny Lawson’s Furiously Happy which I had been meaning to read forever, colouring books, notebooks, playing cards and of course my cell phone of music and games, to keep me occupied. Yes, like a small child, I need to be occupied.

She did not sleep on the train ride.

Instead, we ended up having rather deep and intimate conversations, on a public train. My favourite part is that these stories are things that would likely be somewhat disturbing to other people, but were of little concern to either of us, because they were things we had accepted as normal for years.

Just to give you an idea of the subject matter... a lot of conversations that weekend involved our dead, alcoholic fathers, as well as abuse, neglect, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. I feel like that makes it sound like I’ve had such a rough life. I personally don’t think my life has been that bad... my friend’s life has been much more difficult. There are definitely some things in my past that as an adult, I have learned, are not normal, as I always thought them to be. Live and learn!

She also had to listen to me ramble on about Jacksepticeye at points, and try to figure out if there were things she would need to know about him before the show. She’d seen a few of his videos, and I knew she’d enjoy his sense of humour, since she’s a Markiplier fan. Which is... totally not my fault. I definitely didn’t talk about Mark so much that she started watching his videos, and then realized that he also calmed her anxiety, causing me to drag her into the fandom further. Does that sound like something I would do? ... It’s totally something I did. I’m actively trying to convince her to be a Jack fan as well, but it can take a bit to get past the screaming... especially for anxiety cases with horrifying flash backs that are tied to men screaming. For similar reasons, I also took a little while to get past the abrasive TOP OF THE MORNING TO YA LADDIES! I actually find it soothing now. Go figure.

Of course, we flipped back and forth between these subject matters and sprinkles of other things, like areas we passed through, or general life things. At one very distinct point, I may have exclaimed, “Look! A wind turbine!”

To which she responded, “Yes? Have you never seen one before?”

“Not in the wild!” I explained. It made sense in my head, but she burst into a fit of giggles at the thought of ‘wind turbines in the wild’ and it became a recurring theme of the trip. It’s fine. I can laugh at myself. Besides, I know that I’m crazy and some of the non-sense that falls out of my face, doesn’t register the same way in other people’s brains.

It was a four hour train ride, but it felt like nothing. That’s what good friends are all about. I don’t have a lot of friends, but they’re good ones. Ones that I get along well with, click with and can depend on.

We eventually arrived in Toronto. I had looked up the route from the train station to our Air BnB, because I was very prepared for this trip. Being prepared, almost overly prepared for things, is how I manage the anxious voice in my head constantly going “something is going to go wrong... any... minute”. As prepared as I was, I had no idea where the bus station was, so I gladly followed my friend, who decided that she needed to take care of me, the poor, innocent, child-like, small town girl.

I didn’t help my case, by staring straight up and going, “Holy shit! These buildings ARE tall!”, and then just standing and staring up at them every time she stopped to try and figure out where we were. She tried to complain about the buildings being all you could see and I’m pretty sure I responded with, “I’m being a tourist! Let me have this!” and she agreed that I was a tourist. After wandering around what seemed to her at least, like forever (I was in my magical land of absorbing my surroundings), we found out that I hadn’t gotten bus routes at all. I had found subway routes to our Air BnB. We don’t have a subway in Ottawa, I had no fucking idea what the icon looked like. I know now, I guess. “I hate the subway.” My friend said, and would repeat, at least 20 times during our trip. It became another theme, along with me using the excuse, “Yeah, but I can’t tell the difference between a bus and the subway.”, for basically every other stupid thing I said or did.

We survived the subway. I quite enjoyed the experience actually... which is strange, because I used to take panic attacks on buses at one point. I think I just had so much adrenaline coursing through my body that it couldn’t focus on all the people around us. I was also trying to make sure my friend didn’t take a panic attack herself, since she “hated the subway”. Also, in my defense, I said we could FIGURE out the bus route, and she declared that the buses were terrible and the subway was faster, and wouldn’t help me figure out a bus route. So we took the subway.

We killed some time at a restaurant and then checked into our Air BnB. It was a really nice little bachelor pad, that I booked for the night, for a decent price and was in walking distance of the music hall. Being the fucked up anxiety cases we are, we discussed how it nice it was that it didn’t seem like we were going to be murdered.

The show. Oh the show. I had warned her I was going to be crazy, and luckily I had warned her so much, she said afterwards that she had expected me to be worse than I was. One thing most people don’t seem to understand is that excitement... is pretty close to anxiety. So when I get excited, I can get really over the top excited, in the same way that I get really over the top anxious. We are talking... wiggling, dancing, jumping around because I-literally-cannot-stand-still excited. 

When we got to the music hall, we had to walk for 10 years, down like 3 blocks to get to the end of the line that had formed, to get in. 10 years is an obvious exaggeration, while 3 blocks is probably an understatement. If you have ever needed a visual representation of what 1,400 people looks like... don’t go sit in the theater with them, walk the fucking line at the front door. It makes me wish Jack could have walked along it, just to feel how many people it really was. But let’s be honest, that would cause a scene.

My poor Toronto Sherpa had to listen to me ramble on about Jack, while I was bouncing around and desperately trying not to poke at her, because she hates that. When we finally got inside, I had a moment where I was so overwhelmed that I had to let the energy out and I excitedly clapped my hands and jumped a little. The sudden clap surprised her and she shook her head. “You’re cute.”

Normally, I fight the statement, “You’re cute”, and yes, it’s not the first time I’ve been told I’m cute. In that moment though, I was more happy to be called cute, than get a “could you not do that?”, because honestly, there was no promising that it wouldn’t happen again.

We stood in the merch line and I got a poster (because I have a thing for posters), and a pin (because he has a thing for pins, and I knew he was proud of this one). I also handed over the strange package I had thrown together for him. I have literally no idea if he got it, but hey, maybe he’s better off if he didn’t. It was a bunch of glow sticks... because if he’s the man I think he is, he likes glow sticks. ( I don’t know. Are there people who DON’T like glow sticks? ) There may have also been a ridiculously sappy, and novel-length fan letter. Oh boy. I had been back and forth on actually handing it over and then the words, “Can we leave stuff here for Jack?” fell out of my mouth and the super friendly merch lady said, “Absolutely!” and then suddenly she had the package and my purse was slightly lighter. I don’t know if it was a good decision, but it happened and if he read that fucking letter... I just hope it didn’t come off too crazy and he felt appreciated.

We were guided to out seats, and I just enjoyed the energy in the room. That’s the best part of live... anything. The energy you get from the crowd. This crowd of people who are there, with you, for the same reason you’re there... to enjoy the thing you have come to see. The energy at this show was perhaps better, because it was a small fraction of the community there with you. Earlier, when we had gotten off the bus, someone had seen my hat and asked whether we were going to the 4 or 8 o’clock show. Normally being approached by a stranger freaks me out, but I LOVED that moment. I loved that a random person on a train, recognized my hat, and was also going to be at the 4 o’clock show. He was somewhere in that energy, that day too!

I mentioned this before, but I’m saying it again. Apparently I shook violently through the whole show. “Yeah, it vibrated my seat. Probably helped to keep my back from hurting, so thanks.” My friend told me. I didn’t notice it at the time, but I guess it makes sense. I was on an absolute excitement high. I was hyper focused on everything that happened, and my concentration has been shit for months, so it was pretty amazing.

Jack was hilarious, but I knew that he would be. More importantly, he was real and close enough that I could see him without the binoculars my mother had sent with me. What I wasn’t expecting was the journey, that show took me on and the message it ended with.

I needed that.

I didn’t know it was what I was getting, but I needed it. Somehow Jack (and I keep calling him Jack, and will continue to, so this doesn’t get confusing, but his name is actually Sean, just for clarity)... somehow Jack always seems to do exactly what I need, without even knowing I exist. It’s part of the magic of youtube, I’m pretty sure... even if this was a live show.

I slept worse that night, but I was happy. Ridiculous, crazy happy. Which is not something I often experience. I spent a good portion of the night reading the book I brought, which only helped to push me further in the right direction.

By the way, things get weird when you’re trapped in a bachelor apartment with someone trying to sleep when your insomniac ass can’t do that thing. The best part was my friend, who also has anxiety and sleeping problems, woke up a lot through out the night, and would experience snippets of my insanity. I started out laying on the floor, watching youtube videos until the internet crapped out. Then I listened to some music in bed, to try and sleep. Played some phone games. Then I decided to read and shut myself into the bathroom for like half an hour so I could use the light in there, when I remembered that I had brought some red glow sticks.

I brought red glow sticks in case I chickened out giving the green ones to Jack, and I could break them all and have a glow stick party in the room to make myself feel better. But I gave the green ones to Jack, I already told you that. So I was sitting in the bed, reading by glow stick, when I heard, “Are you alright?”

I glanced over my shoulder and sighed. “Yes... I’m just reading my book...” I held it up and then lifted the red, glowing stick. “With my glow stick.” There was a long silence before I turned to face her more. “Don’t judge me.”

“I’m not. That’s actually kind of genius.” She admitted.

“It’s not the first time I’ve been awake in a hotel room with other people sleeping.” I explained, and then went on to explain why I had the glow sticks.

“I have no response to that.” She muttered, and then tried to go back to sleep. I mean, is a glow stick party really that crazy?

Anyway, that’s it. That’s the day that returned to me, my will to live. I was a little worried when I got home and felt the weight of life hit me again, but as of today, I can happily admit that I am coming out of my depression. I love how all the colours feel brighter, and Jack’s videos sound louder. Yes, I have reached a point where I like it when his videos sound louder!

I’m still not in a great place, perhaps not even a good one yet, but I’m on the way now. I’m finally recovering. There’s more troubleshooting to do here though. Wish me luck!

~ Phoenix