#it felt disrespectful to crop out his face. i couldn't bring myself to do it.

[moe-broey]

WAJT THAT REMINDS ME

His thin fucking waist........ the delicate curve........ his fat fucking thighs............

[madi5on]

I hid my septum for a football player.

It never ceases to amaze me how self destructive the human mind truly is. I also believe self destruction is our default mode and that's why we need things like religion and laws to calm our violent nature. I still think my ideology can be shadowed by my biases. My experiences. I happened to grow up around a bunch of failing people who were trying.

I know how that sounds. It sounds rude, disrespectful, and down right cruel. But what can I say when your mom made a million plans and had no follow through and you watched your dad dissociate the entirety of your childhood, its hard to have an understanding of what a successful human is. Maybe that's the lie. Actually people say it all the time so this is in no way an original thought, but there's not right way to be a human. That sentence sounds so naive to me.

There is a right way to be a human. Flow with the system you exist in. Seek joy and fulfillment. Existing with others. Connection. Family. Community. These are the words that come to mind when I think human.

I hid my septum for a football player. This should have been the first red flag. Actually the first red flag was the fact that he "fell in love with me" after talking for 24 hrs and meeting up in person for 3. Or maybe when the first thing he said to me was that I was pretty and then asked for nudes. Let's just stick to the stupid teenager story.

I grew up with a rocker for a daddy and a tattoo artist as a step daddy. My mom had gauges and was covered in tattoos. I grew up going to school with sharpie doodles all over my arms. My mom would raise hellfire if anyone came in the way of my expression.

When I turned 13 I started begging my mom to get my septum pierced. I was a little rebel so she told me if I got good grades and left my boyfriend alone I could get one. Lets just say I didn't get it until I was 15. It was for my birthday and my mom felt bad for me. I wasn't really doing any better. That's beside the point. Never had I ever been more excited for something. When the peircer said "Ope. It's crooked. I can take it out." I shook my head vigorously and said it was fine.

So tell me why I tucked it. I would wear it proudly nose stuck up in the air. It wasnt long after everyone and their damn mom started getting them peirced all over my small mid western town. But as soon as T came to town or I crossed over into his school district, my silver horse shoe was stuffed up my nose. This made no sense because my ears were already stretched to at least half an inch at this point.

He had never told me to tuck it. He was just stare at my nose with a stank face. His reactions and comments didn't stop there. He was say things when I would order food like "are you sure you need all that?" when he would order the same amount or more. He even said to me "I don't like it when you wear crop tops. It makes you look like a whore."

Over a long and tedious year I stripped myself of everything that was me. I stopped listening to my favorite music because "it was devil music". I stopped wearing anything other than jeans and high neck t-shirts. I did minimal makeup and at the time I was a classified MUA if you asked me. I was just an empty shell.

I had even thought about taking my septum ring out. I was going to marry this guy after all. But I couldn't bring myself. My nose and my ears were mine.

Our year anniversary came around. He did the most getting me a giant elephant. It was the one I told him I wanted. When I went to get him a gift. I froze. I made a collague of our stupid happy pictures. Some taken after a 20 minute car ride of his endless screaming. I thought it would be sweet to put a love letter on the back, but nothing came to mind. All I could think about was the fact that I had just had a miscarriage and he couldn't be happier.

So I did what any 17 year old would do. I googled "love letter", went a few pages deep, copied it, signed my name, and gave it to him.

3 days later I cheated on him, then left.