#it feels like im beyond repair. theres so many things wrong with me and theres no way to fix them. I'm just meant to live like this forever | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

k1rameki · 1 year ago

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THE TIME HAS COME EVERYONE. ITS TIME TO TALK ABOUT MY EXTENSIVE LIST OF TABI HEADCANONS (hcs are under the cut plus this also counts as a little debrief of his human design bc jesus christ i put so much effort into making this man's design it went through a LOT of trial and error before settling on what i got now considering ive gradually made him less and less "human")

also quick thing b4 i proceed – please please PLEASE ask before making things w my tabi design bc ive seen a rlly cool papercraft made w/o my knowledge and that was kinda sucky so ya thats around it (other than the basics of no nsfw and such)

APPEARANCE HCS

first and foremost — hes half japanese because i remember his aside counterpart being japanese iirc and i thought that was really cool and wanted to implement that into my own little hc (also he speaks like a dozen languages bc of another thing i'll go into detail with in a bit

so many different facial features, scarring (theres a very elaborate reason for this tbh), moles, freckles, etc all bc why not?? (freckles is primarily bc of my bestie crow and now im obsessed)

lashes bc why not, give every man a pair of lashes i think theyre pretty

PIERCINGS. so many piercings. this is primarily because i am a very firm believer that tabi gets piercings done because he wants to feel human again so he finds comfort in decorating himself as much as possible for that reason and also the aesthetic

broken horn bc of the mod events, damage beyond repair and whatnot

HE HAS LONG HAIR BC I SAID SO ‼️‼️ i figured considering he's been invisible for so long he never really knew what to do when it came to cutting his hair, so eventually it grew out to around his waist, and he kept that hairstyle ever since (he prefers wearing his hair in a ponytail or smth bc sensory issues when it comes to hair touching his skin)

a lot of tater's hcs infected my brain hehehehehe especially the tail and his hands still being what they were when they were cursed (also. paw beans. /vpos)

HES TRANS ‼️‼️ hes also very dumb and has very little regard for his health and forgets to take his binder off a lot (trust me he gets scolded a lot for that)

GENERAL HCS

hes autistic and has adhd — the autism hc i lowkey stole from crow but the adhd hc ive had for a long long while now — one of his lifelong special interests is performing arts and musicals

chronic insomniac — sleep? never heard of her

plays like 5 different instruments but primarily specialises in piano and guitar

safe food is anything sweet or chocolatey — he has a massive sweet tooth and is obsessed w cookies and pastries in particular which ayana baked for him a lot (ill prolly make a whole other post for her in the near future but guys. pastry chef aya. hear me out)

an absolute boss at board games, especially monopoly, and he constantly loves screwing everyone over

extremely hyperfixated on pokemon and owns a bajillion folders filled with cards worth a buttload of money, and a dozen plushies + figurines (projecting bc pokemon is one of my hyperfixes dont judge me) his fav gen is absolutely johto

his eyesight is pretty bad but like. not bad enough for him to be needing glasses (unlike a certain someone cough cough agoti)

speaking of said certain someone, he and agoti do each other's hair a lot simply because its really fun and provides some stimulation, and also because it helps tabi practice with self care and such

VERY SENSITIVE TO SOUND AND TEXTURES, often times he will probably start crying if something sounds or feels wrong

sometimes he forgets certain words in english and has to resort to using what theyre called in russian

has the goofiest sounding laugh ever and i will die on this hill. when you get tabi cackling he will start rolling on the floor and making the most UNGODLY sounds

can speak like 6 languages fluently and a dozen others in simple conversation (NERD ALERT)

he sucks so hard at writing essays but is (for some reason) really good at maths

despite being the more serious one among his group of friends, tabis a dumbass and does a lot more stupid things than one would expect

#hey everyone long ettie post real #tabi has taken over my mind #UUAUAUAGH GWR #fnf tabi #🦇 human!tabi #digital artwork #my art #battie chronicles

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daphnix · 3 months ago

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a vent that is also a big oversharing (tw for suicidal ideation and ed). prob a bit of a pity party too but i have v intense feelings n thats just how i feel the world, at least currently

for anyone that follows me n noticed, ik its been a while. or that i havent been as active as i used to be. at first it was just boredom, then i started working, n now im having less than ideal thoughts regarding my existence on this planet. i changed medications a few months back and at first lithium was shit, but slowly it stabilized me (im still on antidepressants, i just dont take antipsychotics anymore). howeverr i found that any little thing triggers my desperate feeling of undying loneliness. in parts bc i suck at communicating and pull myself away from everyone i love, specially my friends, and in parts bc the men i love w all my heart (that “once in a lifetime” type of love) either dont love me back or cant be w me due to their current lives. and it saddens me a lot. i dont want anyone else. if you ever had someone jokingly or not say “im gonna ruin you for everyone but me”, yea thats what happened. i moved into a new city that i have absolutely nothing to do w, currently dont have friends bc i have the hardest time meeting people (honestly i dont like these people either way) and getting in touch with my childhood friends its ridiculously hard for me (who fyi are the most beautiful people in this earth and the bestest friends anyone could dream of). and theres the dropout thing, the absense of my baby (my cat, the light of my life), the hard times getting back in track (ed mention).. i feel so on edge. and i know my motives are weak and i have it good compared to so many people who are suffering much worse things than me, but i just feel.. lonely, utterly unlovable, wrong, broken, tired, unworthy. in all honesty all that keeps me here are my parents, bc im terrified of hurting them beyond repair. anyways, i just needed to put this out somewhere. i hope no one read this, but if you did, im wishing you a beautiful day. please be kind on yourself

#vent #oversharing #tw for a bunch

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kyohiba · 6 years ago

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Xue Yang’s 420 Punishing Reincarnations AU

REINCARNATION AU

but who is he if he doesnt ruin it all tho

ssyifpfff🌙 OH YES

35m 34 minutes ago yeeting patriarch he ruins some stuff but not on the Did Everything Wrong & Ruined Everything level like he did

he could reincarnate n still find song lan bc hes..... basically immortal now

ssyifpfff🌙 n he helps heal xxcs n a-qins soul

34m 33 minutes ago yeeting patriarch like? mass murder of a sect over his pinky? Ok. using the goodness of xiao xingchen and breaking his soul beyond repair?? Too Much

ssyifpfff🌙 yea tht sect was full of dicks tbh but xxc was Angel

33m 33 minutes ago YES

what about xue yang paying off with some reincarnations

with each of them, he learns something

yeeting patriarch and pays for what he did and starts to Realize

ssyifpfff🌙 SLOW BURN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ASDFGHJK

32m 31 minutes ago yeeting patriarch in all those reincarnations, he meets painful ends

ssyifpfff🌙 in one of them he goes blind

32m 31 minutes ago but each makes him Learn And Pay

HOLD UP

and then, in the one where he manages to help song lan with the souls of xxc and a-qing

his next one, where the three meet again song lan

HES BLIND

hes still pretty much a petty grudge holding chaotic bastard little shit but with no murder or scheming

but his pay offs didnt end

yeeting patriarch with xxc and a-qing back, he still gotta pay off for what he did

ssyifpfff🌙 once he helps rebuild their souls they should b able to reincarnate too, n they can find each other u___u

29m 28 minutes ago xue yang: *reincarnates again* ayyy wassup song lan song lan: song lan: There We Go Again

wait i think people shouldn't have their past life memories right

yeeting patriarch BUT XUE YANG GETS THEM AS A PART OF HIS PUNISHMENT !?

xue yang in every reincarnation: ah shit here we go again

YES HE NEEDS TO AS PUNISHMENT

WHO PUNISHES HIM??? WE DO

ssyifpfff🌙 GET FUCKED XUE YANG LMAO

26m 25 minutes ago IFENSKSITNESOZFWJKSHS

yeeting patriarch xue yang we love u but u DESERVE

BITCHES GET STITCHES

in one of his reincarnations he trusts some1 n they betray him by killing him

in another one he is born into a loving family but they all get murdered

ssyifpfff🌙 dam thts a lot of years of damage if hes gonna rmmbr them all lmao

23m 22 minutes ago ssyifpfff🌙

22m 21 minutes ago IGEBEKIDTVEKSOZGBSLSUGWKS

It's What He Deserves

it's all for him to Learn

yeeting patriarch learn to accept his punishment, learn about the wrongdoings he did...

ssyifpfff🌙 learn to love back u_u and to accept kindness

20m 19 minutes ago learn to forgive n move on

"i have nvr in my life yelled at a girl like this. whn my mama yell at me its bc she love me. i was rooting for u we were all rooting for u hOW D

ssyifpfff🌙 LEARN FROM THIS"

19m 18 minutes ago the reincarnation he finally meets xiao xingchen again and a-qing he holds grudges like a normal person. and it's just ur average tsundere

yeeting patriarch we cannot wipe out completely the chaotic bastard essence he has

ssyifpfff🌙 DO THEY RECOGNIZE HIM???

18m 17 minutes ago OH MY GOD

yeeting patriarch DO THEY

mayb its like those AUs where they DONT exactly but

they Know theres some1 in there they met once

theres a familiarity

ssyifpfff🌙 he Knows its them tho

17m 16 minutes ago yeeting patriarch it would be Too Cruel for xiao xingchen to remember him...

TRUUUU

GASP Maybe to help xxc n a-qins soul he has to give up his own

ssyifpfff🌙 i mean, give his life

16m 15 minutes ago so they only get that Familiarity Vibe

maybe some fragmented dreams

yeeting patriarch FUKC

ssyifpfff🌙 YESSSS DREAMS

15m 15 minutes ago then, after he gives his own life to help xxc and a-qings souls

the next reincarnation

where the three are all born again

yeeting patriarch he Finally doesnt remember all his past lives

THEY JUST FEEL FAMILIAR TO EACH OTHER

ssyifpfff🌙 Y A S

14m 7 minutes ago there is still stuff for him to go through

he finally paid off most of his punishment

yeeting patriarch THE STRINGS OF FATE BRING THEM TOGETHER

ssyifpfff🌙 oooOOOOOOOH

13m 6 minutes ago yeeting patriarch im so sorry for song lan tho boi deserves his Rest & Fresh New Reincarnation too :(

maybe this time he has to Work to be loved. whn he met xxc he was just accepted w/o question. this time he needs to earn love

yea............. idk how it would work w a fierce corpse

guess he would have to Perish first

oH MAYBE

bc theres 2 souls to heal (xxc and a-qin) there needs to be 2 sacrifices

ssyifpfff🌙 thus song lan needs to Perish n then he can re enter the reincarnation circle

11m 4 minutes ago yeeting patriarch I NEED TO COPY, PASTE & EDIT THIS WHOLE CONVO. WE CANNOT LET THIS AU BE LOST IN OUR DMS

DO IT NYARI SAFE GUARD IT

ssyifpfff🌙 N USE IT TO CONVERT PPL INTO XUE YANG CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AU

9m 2 minutes ago WE ARE AT IT AGAIN BEING DOGS

GODS******

yeeting patriarch quite literally being gods and doing what we want with the characters fates

DOGS

the only dog here is xue yang lmao

ssyifpfff🌙 if we dont, whos gonna do it????

4m 6 seconds ago OH ALSO

in all those punishing reincarnations, xue yang has quite a short lifespan

yeeting patriarch he never lives up his 30s

he has to die at more or less the same age as in his first go

so yea not to his 30s

ssyifpfff🌙 "he has to die" lmao sorry boi.............

3m 4 seconds ago how old was xue yang again

hes quite young right

yeeting patriarch on his 20s

ssyifpfff🌙 :/ im not sure

2m yeeting patriarch let's make it up he wont reach the 30s and it's ok

YEA LMAO

tbh idk the ages of any of the characters

only jin ling

ssyifpfff🌙 n sizhui

57s yeeting patriarch going thru the 20s only so many times is some punishment ksjdhgfshdj

LMAO TBH

WE RLY MAKING HIM GO THRU HIS TEENAGE YEARS N THN HIS 20S N THTS IT

ssyifpfff🌙 thts the cruelest thing we ever done

yknow The Final Reincarnation

xxc, song lan and a-qing have this sense xue yang is Familiar

xue yang does as well

but hes the only one who gets the most fragmented dreams

the others get fragmented blurred light memories in dreams

this makes them Question xue yang

and thus this time he has to Work to have their affection

mostly xxc's, ofc

with song lan and a-qing it'll be a bit of a cat and dog frenemies thingy

yeeting patriarch (xue yang as the cat, ofc)

frenemies is all he has lmao + xxc

song lan.......................................... he wont rmmbr righgt¿

asdfghjfhg the fragments he gets are gonna be abt him n xxc too

ssyifpfff🌙 thts gonna Hurt

1m 10 seconds ago YESSSSSSSSSSS

all of them are Clean of Full Past Memories

yeeting patriarch but FATE will bring them all together (modern setting au)

song lan we will find u love this time around

10m 50 seconds ago xxc, song lan and a-qing will all get all the good stuff

only xue yang will still go thru some Missions

well.

if we will have poly xxc with song lan and xue yang

song lan will get some Punishment by default GSDHJFOISU9DYFGHJDS

it's okay, xue yang will be 69x times better this life around, so

he will only have to up with xue yangs dramatic ass in the name of love for xxc

yeeting patriarch i mean back then he did leave xxc and only came back yeeeaaars later in Regret

ssyifpfff🌙 ACTUALLY UR RIGHT HE MESSED UP TOO

6m yeeting patriarch enduring an updated and polished xue yang is OK

ssyifpfff🌙 bsides ..... whn they work together to bring xxc n a-qins soul back they're gonna start getting along a bit more

5m yeeting patriarch YES

ssyifpfff🌙 xue yang will have gone thru development by tht point

5m yeeting patriarch he will witness the path of xue yangs reincarnations

OMG IMAGINE THEM HAVING TO GO ON ADVENTURES TOGETHER FOR XXC

OMG SONG LAN THE SILENT WATCHER OF XUE YANGS STRUGGLES

ssyifpfff🌙 MAYHAPS HE MIGHT EVEN COME TO FEEL FOR HIM

4m by the time they all reincarnate, his sense of familiarity will be Different from xxc + a-qings

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

HOLY FUKC YESSSS NYAURORA YES

we did it, we made this amazing poly fucking work

WHAT ABOUT

THIS FINAL REINCARNATION

they kinda get those Family Vibes

a-qing comes a bit later on

yeeting patriarch 2 and a half dads and their daughter

ssyifpfff🌙 2 AND A HALF DADS ASDFGHGHKLJFA

2m yeeting patriarch (and a half because even so much reincarnations, xue yang isnt a proper dad)

hes like a k00l uncle

ssyifpfff🌙 a bit of a bad incluence uncle

2m yeeting patriarch actually this does song like a father to me

ssyifpfff🌙 but tbh if not for his bastardy, xue yang n a-qing would get along so well

1m the fuck up

SOUND*

since he will have to earn for a-qings affection

the start will be rough

but later on, theyll be the Chaotic Duo

yeeting patriarch since this time around our xue yang is updated and polished to be the bastard on the right level

IMAGINE

one day into a distant future

all four together

yeeting patriarch with peace, happiness and warmth

ssyifpfff🌙 listenin to mcr?

3m and then

all of sudden

tears start falling from xue yangs eyes

yeeting patriarch hes all ???? about it

ssyifpfff🌙 NYARI

2m yeeting patriarch and the other three are just as shocked

ASDFGHJHG DONT

HES SO HAPPY

THIS TIME AROUND HES HAPPY FINALLY

ssyifpfff🌙 CENTURIES OF HURT

1m yeeting patriarch he doesnt understand why he got so overwhelmed

ssyifpfff🌙 OF HARD WORK TO BE BETTER

1m he cant make the tears stop

xxc gets super worried asking where it hurts

but... nothing hurts

yeeting patriarch THEN HE CRIES HARDER

ssyifpfff🌙 n thts whats making him cry!!! nothing hurts finally n hes glad!!

26s 3 seconds ago yeeting patriarch NOTHING FUCKINF HURTS NYASSHOLE. THIS IS HAPPINESS

ssyifpfff🌙 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

19s 3 seconds ago yeeting patriarch HOLY SHIT WE DID DONE THAT

the first few reincarnations and how hard it was for xue yang

the stages of grief but thru his many reincarnations

with the last one, before the Modern Setting

him breaking down in front of song lan

finally it all hit him and he gets it

when they manage to sacrifice their souls for xiao xingchen and a-qing's, he even wishes to not be reincarnated again so they can be At Peace without him

yeeting patriarch their lives*

OMG XUE YANG WISHING HE JUST REMAINS DEAD. NOW THT HE HAS FINALLY GOTTEN XXCS SOUL THE LAST TEST IS AN ACT OF REAL SELFLESSNESS.

ssyifpfff🌙 its would b so good?? bc whn he first get introduced to xy his motivation as a character is to get xxcs soul so he can use it for his own good

42m 41 minutes ago n at the end he would GIVE his soul for xxc, for THEIR own good

ssyifpfff🌙 did we just invent character development?

42m 41 minutes ago yeeting patriarch WE MF DID DONE IT AGAIN

ssyifpfff🌙 also purple420 lmao

41m 40 minutes ago yeeting patriarch he Finally embraces all the grief he felt when xxc died

ssyifpfff🌙 HE RECOGNIZES IT AS GRIEF!! BC BFORE HE JUST FELT ANGER AT XXC OF ALL THINGS

41m 40 minutes ago back then, the emotional constipation got in the way and he fucked up

but after so many punishing reincarnations, he finally came to take it all in and Understand

imagine him breaking down so many nights begging to xxc to forgive him in a desperate prayer

and song lan then one day witness it

yeeting patriarch fukc the road with song lan was also such a hard one

song lan seein xy chara development from afar is the best idea weve had in a long time nyari

ssyifpfff🌙 we did that

38m 37 minutes ago in the first few... idk, 10 reincarnations, song lan was so angry. 'why does he keep coming back? why does he have his memories?'

yeeting patriarch fates would always put song lan in xue yangs path

ssyifpfff🌙 Fate (us)

36m 35 minutes ago yeeting patriarch how Dolce it is to imagine xue yang finally taking in grief and regret and it all and breaking down... *kisses fingers like a chief*

by that last time, song lan and xue yang sacrificed their lives, even song lan was already suffering seeing the punishments of all xue yang's reincarnations

he witnessed all of them

yeeting patriarch and saw with his own eyes, ops! with xiao xingchen's eyes, nyeheh. how much xue yang learned and changed

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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years ago

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Exploring the Connections Between Your Intellectual Life and Your Financial Life

This is the third entry in an eight part series exploring the connections between your finances and other areas of your life. A few weeks ago, I started a series exploring the connections between personal finance and the other spheres of my life. The first entry covered the connections between ones physical life and financial life, the second entry covered the connections between ones mental and spiritual life and financial life, and today were looking at ones intellectual life and financial life. As noted in the first entry, I tend to view life as a bunch of spheres, or areas of focus. I really like Michael Hyatts list of nine such spheres: physical, mental/spiritual, intellectual, social, marital, parental, avocational (hobbies), vocational, and financial they cover much of what life is all about. Ive come to view these spheres as deeply interconnected, in that success in one sphere is usually linked in some significant ways to success in other spheres (and failures are similarly connected) and that knowing the connections can help people figure out how to succeed in both areas at once. Today, were going to look at the intellectual sphere. What Is the Intellectual Life? Intellectual life refers to the thoughts, knowledge, ideas, and problem solving that run through your mind. Much of the time, our intellectual life is shallow were thinking about our appointment later today or the game we watched last night. However, when we actually engage with difficult topics and difficult problems that really challenge and push us, we deepen our intellectual life and achieve a better understanding of the world and of ourselves. The benefits of a robust intellectual life are many. The world seems less mysterious. You understand your own viewpoints better and can explain them better. Its easier to hold down conversations on all kinds of topics. Its much easier to solve problems of all kinds. Youre less afraid to tackle projects that you might not fully understand at the start. Not only are those things true, but I find that really stretching ones intellect leads to a flow state where you lose track of time and place and, for me, that is one of the most profound sources of happiness in life. In the modern information economy, a robust intellectual life often helps a person with their career, so there is some overlap with ones professional life. However, our thoughts and ideas stretch far beyond what we do in our careers, so there is only an overlap between ones professional life and ones intellectual life. For me, ones intellectual life comes down to a positive answer to one key question: do I have a robust understanding of the world around me which I can use to solve problems and relate to others? Having a robust intellectual life offers a bunch of financial benefits. First, youre much more likely to be able to find work and to be flexible enough in their work to always find employment. A person with a wide knowledge base and a strong ability to solve problems is generally going to be a valuable asset in most workplaces (provided its combined with reasonable interpersonal skills). Such people are typically able to find high paying jobs, retain them, and easily move to new ones should their situation change. Second, youre more open to taking on intellectually challenging tasks, which can help both professionally and at home. This is why a person with a robust intellectual life usually finds employment with ease theyre able to solve problems and take on challenging tasks. This is also true at home, where the ability to take on difficult tasks (such as home repairs) generally saves quite a lot of money. Third, you have a much wider field of topics to converse about, which makes building professional (and personal) relationships much easier. A person with a healthy intellectual life can carry on a conversation with anyone, finding some sort of common ground for meaningful and worthwhile conversation. This aids greatly in the building of professional and personal relationships. Finally, you have a much greater capacity for analyzing your own financial situation and developing your own solutions and plans. A person who is adept at self-learning and problem solving can typically figure out almost any personal finance situation on their own, come up with a strong solution, and implement that solution. Here are five low cost strategies I use for maintaining and improving my own intellectual life. Strategy #1 Read Genuinely Challenging Things and Work to Understand Them I make it a point to devote at least one solid hour a day to reading something that challenges my mind and forces me to think. This usually forces me to read slowly and consider new ideas carefully. I often take notes as Im reading so I have a track of thoughts to take up later on. I often choose reading that is at least professionally adjacent, meaning that theres at least some connection to the topics I write about, but many of the books I choose have no seeming connection at all to personal finance or personal development. The purpose is to read about something that I dont understand well and to improve my understanding of that topic. This is hard. Its much easier to read a page-turning novel or more material on topics that are very familiar to me. Reading something difficult is mentally taxing and forces me to think in new ways, but thats part of the value of it. Reading is my primary way of absorbing information, but everyone learns in different ways. The key thing is to find an avenue of learning that works for you, then use that avenue to take on things that are difficult for you to understand, but that you can work through if you take it slowly. If you find that watching videos is best for you, dont be afraid to pause videos to look up words or to work out something for yourself. The same is true with audiobooks pause them and think about the material as you go. What topics should you dig into? Dig into ones that youre personally curious about. Dig into topics that people you associate with might know about, so you can converse with them about it. Dig into topics that relate to your career in some fashion. Those three areas alone should provide a wealth of ideas. How do you know what to read? Try reading something thats difficult but not impossible to understand. You should be stopping regularly to consider new ideas or to look up words, but it shouldnt be overwhelming. If youre completely lost, look for a simpler book or video or other material to start with; theres nothing wrong with starting with a very introductory book. Strategy #2 Explain Things You Think You Understand to a Novice When you think you understand an idea thoroughly, try explaining it to an eight year old. This might seem like a strange way to enhance your intellectual life, but hear me out. If you can explain an idea to an eight year old, it likely means that you have a thorough understanding of the topic. If you cant explain it well without relying on shorthand concepts or ideas or words that an eight year old wouldnt understand, your own understanding is probably somewhat limited. The approach I like to use is this: after I read a chapter or a section in a hard book, I let that section float around in my head for a while, then I try to summarize it out of my head in my own words in the simplest language I can while still making it clear. If I find that I cant do this well, then I know I need to back up (and backing up to read something again is fine). This actual process is hard, and doing this makes me appreciate the task that elementary school teachers have when theyre explaining a new idea to an elementary aged student. You simply have to know an idea very well to be able to explain it to a child. Strategy #3 Engage in Difficult Puzzles and Games Games and puzzles are powerful ways to encourage intellectual growth. They help with logic. They help with interpreting situations. They help with coming up with strategies and plans. They help you deal with plans that are undone. They can help with skills like negotiation and trading. Plus, they can often be purely fun. There are an infinite variety of games and puzzles out there. Puzzles dont begin and end with mazes and crossword puzzles and word finds and Sudoku. Games dont begin and end with Fortnite and chess. There are an infinite variety of both and theyre well worth exploring, because they scratch all kinds of different intellectual and thematic itches. If you want to try out a variety of puzzles, look at acrostic puzzles, logic puzzles, or cryptic crosswords. Try taking on chess problems or go problems. If you want to try out a variety of games, dont just turn to your smartphone or a computer or video game console; look for a community board game night and go with an open mind, or check out a chess club. The goal is to find something that makes you think in a pleasurable way, where youre figuring out a solution or evaluating odds and coming up with strategies and plans, but having fun doing it. Any game or puzzle that does that is well worth incorporating into your regular life. Strategy #4 Take on Think-y Projects and Challenges That Are Just Beyond What You Think You Can Do One of the best things you can do to stimulate your intellectual life is to take on a challenge thats just a little bit beyond what you think you can handle. Often, you dont know exactly how to get to the end product you want, but you feel like the steps should be something you can figure out. This usually requires a burst of self-learning followed by trying out different techniques youve never done before (and often an alternation between the two), coupled with some careful thought and planning about how to proceed. Often, such a project results in going into a flow state, which is a state in which youre so engaged with a project that you lose track of time and place and are simply absorbed into the task. For me, this is one of lifes peak experiences, and I most frequently attain it when I engage with a challenging project that demands my full thinking and focus. Want some examples? Home repair projects are often like this, especially when the project is complex enough that youre not quite sure how to do it. Computer programming tasks are often like this. Really complex meal preparation can be like this. So, if you want to try this, take on a home improvement project that seems simple but you dont know how to do it. Figure out how to do it by watching videos. Make a meal or a food item that you dont immediately know how to make. Figure out how to do it, then do it. Push yourself a little bit beyond what you think you can do. Strategy #5 Have a Deep Conversation with Someone Where Youre Willing To Have Your Ideas Challenged and Changed This is another powerful way to really stretch your thinking capacity in a fun way, but it requires a few things to be true. First, everyone participating has to be willing to not hold onto a particular viewpoint with emotion, because when emotion gets involved, youre no longer trying to understand, but trying to win by any means necessary. Second, you need to be discussing an issue with someone who has at least somewhat different knowledge and understanding of an issue than you, although you are bringing some knowledge and understanding of your own. Third, everyone involved must be willing and able to keep their emotions in check. Finally, everyone involved must be willing to question their own viewpoints seriously. If you have all of those elements in place, sit down with those people and simply talk through whatever it is youre curious about. Try to understand all sides, and do that by giving a good faith argument on behalf of that viewpoint, even if none of you agree with it. Be willing to hear criticism of the ideas you support without getting angry or defensive about it. Remember, the goal is for everyone to understand all sides better. Again, this is often very challenging. It forces you to look at a complex matter from a lot of angles, with people sharing perspectives and often introducing angles you havent thought of before. It absolutely requires respect and a lack of defensiveness about ideas, but if you can get past that, such conversations can be deeply enlightening. I usually find that when I have conversations like this, I end up with more respect for the other viewpoints on an issue or an idea than I had before I started. Furthermore, doing it once makes it easier to do in the future, and youll often reach a point where you start trying to understand other sides of issues in a genuine way even without having such conversations. The key is to put forth genuine effort to understand other perspectives without just locking down and being defensive. As a further benefit, I often find that this is a great way to build a social bond with someone. If you can have this kind of conversation successfully with someone, you end up bonding with them. Final Thoughts Making room in your life for deep stimulation of your mind plays a powerful role in improving your problem solving skills, which applies powerfully to your professional and financial spheres, as well as to many other areas of your life. If I can suggest one single thing, its that you take some time each day to either read a book or watch a video or listen to an audiobook on a topic you dont understand well but you wish to, and focus on that material with intensity. Block off that time and make it a scheduled event that cant be broken unless absolutely necessary. Youll find that the benefits from doing this go far beyond just understanding a new idea or two. Good luck! https://www.thesimpledollar.com/exploring-the-connections-between-your-intellectual-life-and-your-financial-life/

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cliveboney · 6 years ago

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i just want to give an update on that whole upsetting fic debacle since i kept posting abt it, for closure. feel free to skip this as it’s kind of heavy and very personal; i just want to let myself talk it out so i can let it go and move past it

((warning for depression & vague talk of my personal experience w/ it))

so!! i finished it, the whole thing, it was almost 130k words & it was excruciating & it made me completely miserable and i need to never ever do something like that to myself ever again!

i have a problem, a Thing I Do, where if i start watching/reading something, i want to finish it. i will rarely deliberately drop something altogether because no matter how much im not enjoying it i want to see it through, because theres always something i still do like about it, you know? thats why i finished the first season of k-on, even though i hated it (tho im loving s2 actually), and why i watched all 13 episodes of amagi brilliant park, including the special, even though i hated it, and why i stuck it through to the end with comic girls despite its very fucking best efforts to get me to stop watching, and same with darlifra and many other things because i just. wanted to finish the job. there’s a satisfaction in bringing something to a close, so you’re not leaving any loose ends behind. i may not have liked the story, but at least i finished it.

that’s kind of how it was with this fic. i started reading it because one of my coping mechanisms when im feeling really sad or having a bad depression night is to read angst fanfiction kind of as a cathartic release of those negative emotions, it feels good to embrace them and let them wash through me via the opportunity for projection that fanfiction provides. a lot of the times the content of the fics i read are extremely heavy because that’s just what works for me. so when i saw the content warnings on this particular fic, i wasn’t particularly fazed because it was just. stuff i was used to consuming- i mean honestly the content warnings are often the reason i picked the fic in the first place

this one though. uh. it was a lot heavier than im used to, which was becoming rapidly more apparent the further along i got. i mean, it was fine for a couple chapters because it was hitting very close to home in that satisfying kind of way that i needed that night, but after i got over that initial release of emotions it started going downhill, um, a Lot

two chapters was enough to get me invested, but this was a Depression Fic, about depression, with themes centering explicitly around how mental illness destroys lives and friendships, and its aim was to explore these themes in the most realistic way possible. thankfully, it was also about recovery and rekindling lost friendships, and it did ultimately end well, but it was a very long, painful journey. the author did an excellent job conveying these struggles.

it was a very, very hard story for me to read. i wanted to stop, many times, and i fucking should have. it was a very bad time for me to read a story like this- due to a recent surgery, my thyroid levels are very low, leaving me feeling more sluggish than usual and in effect worsening my depression. im taking medication for it, but the medication takes several weeks to kick in and i’ve only been on it for a little over a month now, so i’ve been feeling very low. i shouldn’t have read this fic. i should have stopped after i realized what kind of story it was going to tell, and how it would affect me, and i was only lucky that it ended as well as it did, because the trigger warnings listed above the very last chapter had me so upset that i didn’t know what to do with myself & it was only after i forced myself to read that chapter that i was able to feel better because it turned out that those warnings were extremely misleading out of context and there was a happy ending after all.

putting that much emotional dependence on a story is unhealthy. this fic made me feel like shit, and that’s unhealthy. it took me back and showed me a very dark place that i haven’t been to for years, reintroduced thought processes that i have moved past indulging in for a Good Reason, and made me feel hopeless and sad about my own future despite the recent positive feelings i’d been starting to have. i saw myself in the characters and their struggles. i saw both my past self and the ugly side of my recovering self at the same time. i related to these characters so deeply and integrally that i couldn’t handle the thought of anything but a happy ending, and i don’t know how i would be feeling right now had things gone wrong in the end. that’s unhealthy.

i’m proud of how far i’ve come. i have come a long way since my darkest days. i’ve learned a lot about self love and what it means to take care of yourself. what it means to find meaning in the little things and to keep pushing forward for them. to hold onto the happiness in my life and keep finding more things to be happy about.

this fic felt like a huge step backward, and i knew it was even as i continued to read it. i ignored every voice in my head telling me to stop, to just let this one go. i wanted to see how the story would end. i wanted the emotional satisfaction of seeing everything turn out okay, of conflict resolution and watching characters get back on their feet. it’s okay to want that, but when the journey to get there is so bogged down with these harmful paths, it’s better to just take a different route altogether and leave it behind. it’s a part of my life that i’ve worked so hard to leave behind me; dragging it back in was the wrong thing to do.

like i said, im lucky everything turned out okay in the end. but im still dealing with the emotional repercussions. it may have ended well, but all the rest of those 125k words of misery still happened. they still brought my mind back to those bad places. i’ll be able to move past this, i know i will, but i only just finished reading it yesterday, so it’s still pretty fresh in my mind. immediately after i finished the last chapter, i went looking for the happiest and most wholesome fics i could find in comparison. a part of what had upset me so much, besides everything else, was the fact that my favorite relationship from the show was broken almost beyond repair in this story, so i found fics with those characters that showed unconditional love and friendship instead, and that helped me feel a lot better immediately. this fic had been one of the first ones i read for this fandom, so i think it was kind of acting as the defining example of this fandom’s fic for me; repairing that mental connection is helping me move on from it, because there are so many other stories to be told and i’d much rather have those define my experience here instead.

so, ultimately, what did i learn?? listen to ur fucking logical brain when it tells u to stop forcing urself to do something that’s hurting you!!!!! sure i would have been worried over that fic for a while, wondering how it all ended, if everything worked out, but i would have gotten over it, replaced it with better things, and i wouldn’t have had to go through the intense emotional labor i did while reading it. if you’re not enjoying something, it’s okay to just drop it!! it’s not as big a deal as it feels like in the moment. remove toxic things from your life, the quicker you can the better. live to better yourself and keep working at your own improvement. forgive yourself for messing up, take a deep breath, and move on. it will pass, and you will have become stronger for it. hold onto that strength and use it to keep moving forward.

you can do it.

i am proud of you.

#text posting #vent post #negative /#depression /#i have not mentioned the title of the fic or linked to it for what i assume to be obvious reasons; i do not advise anyone to seek it out #i have nothing against the author; i'm glad they were able to complete such an ambitious project and i think it turned out wonderfully #it just wasn't something i personally should have involved myself with

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undermisunder · 7 years ago

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why do i feel this way? why do i have all this pain bottled up inside me and viciously tear at myself and my mind as if i am in a constant state of war. my god i feel like im drowing, i get so lost in and cant see my way out sometimes. its like i get pinned by branches and thorns preventing me to move any further.

paralyzed. why do i keep feeling this way? am i being selfish? am i sad because my room and space is small? is it because i deserve to be handed more rather than get it and make it happen? fear of failure? i dont want to be happy because it hurts when im sad and i feel like every time im sad its a failure. i got this new job and i dont even know if i want to keep it. i feel like ill have no personality, theyll see how i am and fire me. i wont have personality, or be positive, or be what theyre looking for. i am acting as if i have already failed. my other job doesnt schedule me. i dont want to change.

That is the worst part, thats why i dont seek help. I dont want to change, its hard. i feel lazy and i feel like no one cares so why would theyw ant to anyways?

theres no where for me to go and turn to for hekp or kindness. i have shredded myself and my mind i dont even know how to do the normal things i used to do. i think they know im sad. i think they can see im not happy.

its always something, i should feel this way because i skipped breakfast, im addicted to caffiene, i need a cigarette, my life sucks, my hair looks like shit, my head hurts. always some reason for me to be unhappy, always some reason something cant happen or i cant be.

I feel like a robot trapped inside my own head. i have no emotions, all i know is that everything hurts and i feel like i need to be saved. i cant help myself and i dont know why i feel the way i feel. i cant form senstences to you about how i feel because i dont understand my own emotions. i feel awful for feeling awful. theres so much noise in my head i want it to stop. please stop. please stop thinking please stop counting second please stop imagine things. maddie youre literallly driving yourself crazy. please stop looking at your phone. i forgot how to swim. please stop falling down holes. im scared. i am a wrath of another kind. why am i crying, why am i overwhelemed. am i stupid. i feel retarted. i dont think ill ever get better. i need help. i need someones assistance. what is going on with me. oh my god am i actually crazy? is there something legitemetly wrong with me? i cant explain it, i cant form it into words.. i have no real friends. i keep hitting bottom just to fall down once i take the next step. please please. i dont want to kill myself. what is going on. im scaring myself. im so weak and ive hid it for so long and i was strong but my thoughts are tearing me down.

i know it all, i know everything theres nothing more to life, i have hit the edge. i can think a life but not experience it. i have hit the limit, why do i want more for myself? why do i care? Ive never cared about my own happiness. how did i become this person. ive become the people i hate. the people who are so into their hearts and head nothing makes sense. im malfunctioning. thought disorder thought disorder. i think my brain is trying to get me to kill myself. i need help. please oh please. someone help me. why am i so overwhelemed.

i know i wasnt alwasys like this. i have episodes. no i dont. i dont want them. im stuck between talking about who i want to be and who i am. its not who i am i am not that.

i dont want to feel this way but i dont kwant to work on getting better what does this mean. why do i not want to help myself. why cant i think about how things could be instead. why cant i think more about hwo life could be. why am i having a hard time with wanting more for myself. why do i think i dont deserve anything. why am i still like this. or why am i like this again. is this really who i am and other times its just fake not really me. i cant keep up with myself, i feel like i become a new person everyday.

what is fueling these thoughts? what is the root of this? self hated? worrying? is it depression? is it lack of hope? is it triggers? is it what?

i want everything to be perfect, i cant accept less than perfect even myself. i dont want to be like everyone else, so i resist the problems i feel like everyone else has because i think i should have learned from them. i feel like a fool experiencing it myself.

will i be damaged beyond repair.

is it because i dont love myself? and i care so much about you guys think of me.

i feel like im going crazy and i dont want them to judge me. i dont want them to think less of me. i dont want to be that person.i dont know if im strong to keep fighting right now. if i ewas to break right noe i thin kiwould go crazy. i fill like i have so many roles to live up to i cat ive up to them. i can hear them mocking me.pointing out how irrational im being. but it feels like i do feel this way.

i dont feellike i have any other worth than proving to my parents im something. thats the only reason why i try. i forgot who i am. i dont feel like im allowed to enjoy anything. im supposed to suffer. maybebecause i make myself

“Is it usually best to be pleasant and let others decide if your ideas are worth accepting”

#mental heath support #help me #depression #crazy

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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years ago

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Exploring the Connections Between Your Intellectual Life and Your Financial Life

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