#it doesnt fucking matter because men will never be able to catch up. they never hear an explanation about misogyny

[ourladyoftheflytrap]

Was ranting to my ex about this stupid humiliating scenario I've found myself in at school because I tried to have a heart to heart with my misogynist professor about sexual harassment, and ex asked me how this even happened, so I told him it all started because my professor told a female classmate that women are harder to work with than men are, and then my ex was like "...but he probably had a scientific explanation for why he thought that way" 🙉

[ringmyheart]

Can I request Vin Jin boyfriend headcanons and some fluff? (You don't have to force yourself)

(This and the other vin jin rq were merged!)

Honestly the way I see it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a very calm person or outgoing person. No matter what this relationship is gonna end up being considerably chaotic

He ropes you into everything he does. Doesn’t matter if u r a design student or an architecture student or if ur on the opposite side of the school from him, u r practically in his class. Dating him is like signing a contract sealing away ur own life bc he makes it a point to be ALWAYS w u

In class he doesn’t gaf if the teacher has ur seat on the other end of class, he is somehow finding a way to sit next to u against ur will or not. And when the teacher moves u two away from eachother INTENTIONALLY bc of this, he is threatening whoever happened to sit next to u to trade seats w him. He will go as far as to dress up as them to make it look like they’re them to be next to u and he’s so dramatic ab it.... being away from u felt like u were star crossed lovers whom the world was fiercely against

And if UR against this cuz ur tired of getting in trouble in class, or if you reject any of his advances, he’s gonna be really, really, really offended. He will at first sputter and be kinda shy and embarrassed about it, before he goes “fine! Have fun on your own without me, the greatest thing in your fucking life!”

He move seats back and will glare at you periodically every five minutes to pavlov dog you so that every five minutes every day, even when he’s not there, you feel the burning stare of vin jin

If you’re his s/o, he’ll buy you a matching pair of sunglasses so ur the freshest looking couple around Seoul (they’re hideous and thick but he thinks u look fly)

The glasses don’t have nearly as many layers as his does for himself so u can see, and u wonder how he managed to make them just as bulky and if he did it on purpose to sabotage u. Like “did u make my glasses purposefully ugly so no one else will want me?”

U have to dodge a punch after saying anything like that ab his fashion decisions LMAOAO

He’s rlly proud of u two matching. With the glasses and anything in general. He’ll make you wear a jacket matching his, or the same shoes and he will stop people in the hall and be like ���wait. Notice anything cool ab us today?? Cooler than normal??”

And when they don’t respond he boasts “that’s right!! Me and my other half r matching. Look at us and weep, losers.” He thinks u two look so good....... if ur enthusiastic ab wearing matching things too he is elated u have to pray that tomorrow he won’t show up w another “if lost return to Vin Jin” “I’m Vin Jin” pair of jackets or anything of the like bc it happens SO OFTEN

And on the topic of sharing when it’s cold he likes to share jackets and blankets w u. Ur desks r moved by eachother by vin jin himself and u two share one blanket over u and shiver bc he just likes it, sharing w u plus he’s slightly warmer. And yes if you guys had indivizual blankets you would be warmer, but u guys have to struggle together he doesn’t care what anyone says (yes even ur protests ur sharing that one blanket wether he has to wrap it around u himself and tear up the one u brought on ur own or what”

He is so blind in love that he cannot tell when u guys suck at stuff. Like if ur in the wrong he doesnt care ur RIGHT and he’s taking that to the grave. He can belittle u and call u out but if someone else says ur in the wrong it’s on sight

Will die protecting ur name even when ur the one who was genuinely wrong

He forces u to make a beat for him to rap to. He loves rapping and wants to enjoy it w u, so ur forcefed YouTube videos of how to beatbox so u can be his bgm and eventually u probably just start to enjoy it to

And u always start a beat and he starts busting out rhymes and it’s SO BAD. It doesn’t matter if ur good at beatboxing if vin Jin is on the track w u it’s gonna sound terrible he brings the quality down immensely but u two just cannot tell

Like after a two session ur like “omg... that was so good. We should go pro?” “Fuck yea we should we’re better than those posers” “we could rlly make it in the industry fr” no u absolutely could not

During the school festival, u sang with him and it was SO bad. Half the crowd is gonna have 2 be hospitalized but u two had FUN up on the stage

Like I said, he has absolute faith in u. All u do is right. If ur driving a car for the first time, he is going to be ur little hype man doesn’t matter if u suck. U hit a curb and he went “YES babe!! Ur killing it cant wait till u hit the road bby” Ur not allowed to touch a car for the next two years now bc he kept cheering u on when u we’re doing CLEARLY wrong things

On a plane u r looking for the bathroom like pensively and u see a handle and look back and r like “is this it???” And vin jin thinking u r all righteous will go “yea babe go for it” and u open it and u depressurizate the cabin immediately

Now both on like 5 no fly lists

He loves to do things with u, like I mentioned earlier, and things he wouldn’t do alone he’ll do w u. Like drawing alone?? Boring. Drawing w Y/N??!!! Who knows what could happen..... so much fun could ensue. Maybe he will draw u cutely. Maybe he will draw u so ugly u will be forced to engage in a fight.

He likes to play just dance w u and compete for the “greats/all star!” Little titles above, and it becomes like a Friday night ritual for u two to turn just dance on and just go at it. But sometimes he’ll get too intense and suddenly he’s actually fighting for the chance to beat u. Will trip u so u lose on purpose

He makes u listen to him sing and rap to u. And u try to leave and he hugs tightly and is like LISTEN IFS FOR U, DONT BE UNGRATEFUL and now u have to listen

He makes u a mixtape of songs he made himself and they are all considerably worse than “remember the times we had”. It’s uploaded on SoundCloud and all the comments r hate and u listen to it a lot bc u know he loves u sm he made u a mixtape ya ur gonna play that but everyone else hates it w a passion

Like the comments r like:

Daniel: well.... it’s definitely a song 😅 I’m glad you love (y/n) so much!

Duke: he’s not making it out the hood 😐

Zach: never let this man in a studio AGAIN

Mary: this should’ve stayed in the CD

(Y/N): love it! 😍

Zoe: kill your producer 💀

Mira: ...

He’s overprotective too

If someone looks at u for more than a second he’ll go “what?? U think she is hot, huh? I’ll kick ur ass fucking perv.... cmon babe let’s go”

Will throw his arm around u and streer u the opposite way of any potentially good looking ppl to keep ur eyes on him

Oh Daniel is coming?? What a coincidence u and vin Jin suddenly have to turn the corner to the other way of ur classroom for some reason

Eli is near?!!! Oh no u just got milk spilt in ur eye!! Oh no now he has to wipe ur eyes and u two have to leave the cafeteria whatever will he do

It’s not that he doesn’t have faith in u, he doesn’t have faith in other men. Like he thinks they r all competition, and doesn’t doubt ur loyalty rather doubts how good he can b for u

WILL beat someone up for u. If someone smokes while ur around suddenly his fists r swinging at them cuz even if u smoke or vape urself no one else can get that stuff in ur lungs but YOU or HIM!!

If ur crossing the street and a car almost hits u, it’s the cars fault and he’s kicking the license plate and cursing it out for almost touching u “stupid fucking piece of metal”

Is the type of boyfriend to call u when he knows ur in an Uber and be like “babe u got ur gun w u right?? Oh don’t forget ur BOMB and ur MACHETE!! Yeah just left the house I killed some ppl nbd haha anyways HRU what’s ur Uber driver like” so the driver of ur car won’t even think ab kidnapping u. He has got ur back even when u do not want it

He doesn’t want u to see his eyes, so he’ll tell you to look away so he can take his glasses off and look at u in full color in all ur glory but he never tells u WHY he’s telling u to look away u think it’s a weird thing of his, or he’s insecure ab his face which is partially true but really he’s taking his glasses off and just looking at u. Adoringly.....

He hates PDA. He loves PDA. Do u see his dilemma

Like he loves PDA but doesn’t want anyone seeing him vulnerable even u.... so he’ll hold ur hand and be like “EWWW WHAT R U DOING GET YR HAND OFF MINE”

If u take the lead THATS best bc he can blame it on u and it’s ur fault he HAS to lock fingers w u cuz u did it to him first and he has an excuse to touch u and v like u started this im just sending u ur own energy back 😤

The type to be just like blind, overwhelmed in love. Always thinks ab u, always wants to be w u, worries ab u a lot and frets over u without showing it.... he hates it and loves it to death. Despises it but wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world

Eats lunch w u in the cafeteria and if u sit w someone else u r the ultimate traitor and he will trash talk u to hide his hurt to Mary the entire lunchtime. Kinda possessive.... wants u to also only think about him

WOULDNT EVER fight u for real. Play fights occur VERY often, like pillow fights, tripping ur foot when u say a joke insulting him, grabbing ur collar but he would sooner die than lay a finger on u

Verbal fights happen a lot and if he ever like LOSES it he may lash out and almost hit u and follow thru. I don’t think he’d be able to catch himself that quickly, and if he ever did he’d regret it for the rest of his life. Literally until the day dies he will take it to his grave

He may not sputter out apologieswill just look at u incredulously and then at his hands because what had he done? What did he just do? To you???????? (Y/n))))?????? His (y/n)??? Light of his life?

Will apologize probably over text or through a note or call, and if u don’t respond he is consumed by regret and tries to find u instantly like runs back to ur place

If u forgive him he feels bad still, because does he deserve it? And he might just isolate himself for a bit bc he can’t face u and if it left a scar he is dead inside. It kills him, literally

I could go on w this but I’ll probably save it for another separate pair of hcs later 😭

If u guys ever break up he will fight for u again and won’t stop till ur back together like flowers in ur locker every day, chocolate give during lunch, etc. He wont ever give up hope that he can win u over again and be w u again. He would keep trying, when he wakes up his first thought is ur name in a cold panic bc he can’t rest easy till ur his again and he will try and show off and poorly serenade u and trash his price and be corny and cheesy to get u back

Will set up a performance w the school to let him rap w a mic during lunch for u and he’s saying bars like “(read in bad rapping voice w inconsistent beat) (y/n), love of my life, uh, without you I’d die, uh. Please won’t you take me back? Yuh, without you ima have a heart attack. (Wha!). (Y/n), love of my life, yeah, without you I’m in strife, yup! Please be mine again, (babe), I can never rest till then.”

If the embarrassment doesn’t make u take him back so he’ll pls stop, and when he stands up on the lunch tables to do a little performance doesn’t do it either, then the odd sincerity of his voice and pain in his look (even tho while rapping he sticks out his lower lip in a weird pout) definitely, hopefully will

U make everything worth it !! Truly the light of his life

I hope these were what u wanted, I just had fun w them and wrote stuff that came off the top of my head when I thought of VJ!! ❤️

[simpsiren]

to have and have not.

lee taeyong x reader

“losing me is better than losing you.” - losing you, wonho

main masterlist

description. being close friends with the leader of one of the biggest korean gangs in the underworld wasnt already tough, a big situation falls into your laps that only makes your bond with him even stronger, and maybe perhaps having love to bloom in the process.

genre. mafia au, fwb to lovers au,

warnings. none except for a lot of shooting cudndn

word count. 6,733

a/n. here's a taeyong x reader ff i came up with. its not much but i still hope youll enjoy it :D

lee taeyong. most people, or rather regular people would have a shiver sent down their spine if they heard this name, even if they didnt know how the man looked like. taeyong was, and still currently is very well known in the underworld, but above it as well. he's a well known gang leader amongst all the other gangs that work under one man, mr david chong. basically the mafia boss trumping above all gangs. the police have never been able to catch him, no matter how hard they tried. the policemen would either get shot and killed one by one due to his great ability of using a mere pistol, or would just be killed by taeyong's gang members before taeyong would even appear in their sight. all in all, lee taeyong was a scary man in many ways. not to you though. you found him interesting.

when you were caught hostage by one of the gangs along with one other women you didnt know, and you have the great lee taeyong to get you out of there and have you work under him for debt in a way, you did owe him a lot when a bullet was mere seconds awayfrom going through your brain. you found out that the women who know work under taeyong as well is named val. now, you didnt have much work to do honestly, you would be lounging around in the arcade basement most of the time. you were only told to do small tasks that wasnt that horrifying in any way.

"im dying of boredom!" you whined as you sat up from the very comfortable velvrt couch and faced yuta, who was off duty for tonight. "doesnt boss have anything he needs me to do? i wonder why he even took me in" you folded your arms and rolled your eyes as you let your body slouch and sink into couch. "no one is doing anything right now M. the boss is trying to plan something big from what i hear." yuta shrugged as he took a sip of his vodka. all the members in the gang call you either mal or m, it was a shortened version of your long second name malvisko and you liked being called mal. "yeah well fuck that. im gonna go sleep." you stood up from the couch and waved a small goodbye to yuta before exiting the arcade basement to head to your bedroom, or not.

you tip toed across the halls, making sure no one sees the fact that youre slowly making your way to the boss's office. you arrived at the door without being seem by anyone and right before you were about to open the door, you see jaehyun, taeyong’s right hand man. you looked up to meet his gaze. “you’re here to see mr lee?” you nodded slowly, intimidated by how cold he looks, but no one can beat the gaze of taeyong. “he’s currently feeling stress. try to calm him down a little.” he pats your shoulder before walking past you and disappearing into the hallway. the only person who knows your true relationship with taeyong was jaehyun, and you consider him to be a friend more than a colleague.

you stepped into the room and closed the door behind you. you see taeyong behind his desk with his laptop. he wore his wearing casual attire, which was a hoodie and sweatpants, along with his glasses. you see papers scattered across the table. you slowly walked up to stand beside taeyong. “hey, tae. how’s work going for you?” you placed your hand underneath taeyong’s chin and kisses his cheek lightly. taeyong sighed and took off his glasses and rubbed his temples. “almost all gangs are now working under bishop. what’s worse is that he’s working for that idiot david chong.”

you placed both your hands on his shoulders and massaged them gently as you bit your lip, not entirely sure of what to say. “that sounds pressurising.” you whispered. taeyong scoffed in response. “im going to take revenge on them for killing my brother. he wasnt even involved in this shitshow. ill figure something out.”

you knew about taeyong’s past. you knew that he has worked under mr david chong since he was little but decided rebel, leaving to start his own gang. but now, mr david chong wants him back and will do anything to do so. taeyong is a “precious specimen” as what mr david chong kept calling him. a man who was extremely smart and living in a monstrous world, he did everything he could to survive. it only made his instincts so much stronger. taeyong was like a wild beast in a wild forest, not many were able beat him. you felt honourable for the fact that taeyong lets you know his past. the other members know about it as well, but not as much as you did.

“rest tonight, tae. i want you to sleep.” you leaned forward from behind and whispered into his ear, gently planting light kisses down his neck. taeyong sighed once more and pulled your hand from your shoulder and turned his chair to face you. taeyong pulls you to sit on his lap. “now’s not the time to be doing stuff like that. im sure you know that well.” taeyong glares at you with his piercingly dangerous eyes. you giggled softly, resting your hands on his chest. "i was just advising you to rest, nothing more." you winked teasingly. taeyong scoffed in response and made you stand up. he walked past you and towards the bed, falling onto it almost instantly. you followed suit and sat beside him at the edge of the bed. "youre right. i have a ton of things to do tomorrow." taeyong covers his eyes with his forearm. "im having jaehyun guard you while im away too. its getting dangerous with a whole army of high ranked psychos coming for me. theyll definitely go for those i most treasure before capturing me."

you took a deep breath. "be careful alright? come back to me safe." taeyong chuckled, shaking his head as he sat up straight, going close to you and pecking your lips. "cant exactly do that without having either a bullet in me or a broken rib, but ill come back alive." taeyong wraps his arm around you and pulls you in for a quick kiss before pulling away. "now go. i dont want my men suspecting anything." you nodded and stood up and walked to the door. before you walked through the door, you went back to taeyong to give one last kiss before leaving him for the night.

you were walking down the dimly lit when you suddenly bumped into someone. you looked up to notice it was jeno. one of the younger guys in the gang. "what were you doing boss's office?" jeno asked innocently. you licked your lips nervously, trying to quickly think up an answer. "its fine. i know what you are to him." jeno folded his arms as he smirked widely in a teasing manner. you quickly looked around, making sure you and him were alone. "no one is to hear that you know. im just his friend.. with benefits." you whispered to jeno. jeno giggled. "sure mal. anything you say." he mocked you. "shut it. if taeyong knows that you know he'll probably threaten you to keeo quiet. its good enough that im already warning you." you rolled your eyes and before you were about to make a turn towards another hallway, you look at jeno's way and pressed your index finger to your lip.

you headed to your room and slept as perusual. lucky for you, nothing happened to you that night. taeyong is always scaring you by saying that anyone can kidnap you in the middle of the night, at any time. but god knows taeyong would never let that happen. when you wake up in your large bedroom in your large bed, you looked towards the coffee table to see jaehyun sitting on the comfortable chair, drinking coffee and using his phone. you signalled jaehyun by coughing, making him look your way immediately. "good morning, miss." you sat up from your bed and yawned, turning your head to the full body mirror beside your bed and seeing how terrible you looked. you slipped out of your soft white mattress and grabbed the silk robe, wearing it on before walking over to the coffee table.

“i told you. you didn’t have to call me miss. im your colleague for shit.” you said as you took a seat across jaehyun. he placed the cup of coffee he had in his hand on the table. “sorry, mal. im just used to calling you miss since you have a strong relationship with taeyong.” jaehyun doesn’t look up at you as he quickly glanced his eyes over the words on the newspaper. “jeez im telling you. we’re just friends with benefit. nothing more.” you huffed and folded your arms, slouching into the seat. “by the way, apparently jeno knows about me and taeyong. just keep an eye on him.” you grabbed the cup of tea that was on the table and took a sip. “the gang will be in an uproar if word gets around” you whispered, staring down at your drink. “i will.” jaehyun simply said.

you carried on with your day. most of the gang members are out today. probably because of the big plan that taeyong is doing. he probably also has some gang members to follow him. jaehyun would be with taeyong most of the time but he needed to take care of you since taeyong trusts him with you the most. you could understand. they had a long history together.

“can we please go grocery shopping and cook homemade food? im tired of buying take out.” you whined as you stabbed the fork into the friend chicken that you ordered from kfc. jaehyun took a sip of coca cola and hummed. “im not sure if its safe mal. taeyong wouldn’t want you to be wondering around in public.” you pursed your lips. “but i have you to protect me.” you pouted at jaehyun. he raised his eyebrow in disgust and sighed. “ill call taeyong and ask him.” you shouted a loud yay which made jaehyun flinch back, using his finger to cover his ear as he rolled his eyes and took out his phone to call taeyong. you were trying to hear his conversation with taeyong at the other end of the line by placing your ear close to jaehyun’s phone. you smiled as jaehyun ended the call. “alright. get ready to go. ill wait outside the room.”

you nodded happily as closed the door when jaehyun walked out, skipping your way towards your wardrobe and picking out a simple outfit to go to the supermarket. you made sure you hair looked neat and grabbed your purse and walked out to meet jaehyun. jaehyun leads you out of the hideout and gestured you to get into the car. taeyong normally rode this car but for some reason he chose to take another one to run his errands. you waited as jaehyun gets into the driver’s seat and starts driving to the nearest supermarket.

you two arrived at the supermarket. you realised that it wasnt at all crowded since it was practically 3am in the morning. you only see a few high school students around buying a snack and headed out in a flash. jaehyun helped with pushing the trolley while you picked out ingredients to make jjajangmyeon. you figured that it would be best to make a big batch so that the rest could be saved as leftovers for the other members when they come back in the morning for breakfast. jaehyun kindly offered to pay and the both of you headed out of the supermarket, with jaehyun carrying the groceries.

“thanks for taking me out. its nice to take in some fresh air instead of being couped up in the hideout." you turned towards jaehyun to give him a bright smile but later noticed that jaehyun was looking around suspiciously, his eyes scanning around his surroundings as if the scanner in his mind has detected danger somewhere near you two. you kept quiet for moment, getting scared and you slowly got close to jaehyun. "get down!" jaehyun screamed at you, dropping the groceries and he wrapped his arm around you and drags you to hide behind the car when suddenly a bullet was fired to your direction. you froze, tilting your head up to see jaehyun quickly pulling out his gun from his back pocket, arms streched out to the ground, ready to shoot any second. "its a fucking sniper." jaehyun whispered to you as he looked up towards the buuildings oposite the car, trying to find which building the sniper was stationed at. you didnt know what to do, you were afraid, scared, many feelings were flowing through you. all you could do was look down at the ground, and trust jaehyun with whatever he was doing.

"we're going to get in the car and im going to drive us out of here before the sniper can take another hit, got it? just get into the car as quick as possible and duck down. make sure that he wont be able to see you through the window." you nodded as you quickly processed jaehyun's instructions. "on my signal." jaehyun had his eyes glued on the tall buildings, it was late at night so you could barely see anything, you could never imagine how jaehyun was even able to spot the sniper.

"now!" you immdiately opened the door and got inside the car, closing the door and ducking your body down so as to not be see through the winodw. jaehyun hopped into the driver's seat in a flash and started up the car. you were panting nervously as you felt the car moving at high speed. you heard another bullet being shot at the back of the car. you whinced as you tilted your head up to see jaehyun with his phone beside him, his phone being placed on speaker mode as he called taeyong. "something happened. a sniper tried to shot mal. im heading back to the hideout now." jaehyun said. you heard taeyong shouting a loud 'fuck' before hanging up the call. jaehyun kept silent as he drove you back to the hideout in full speed. in less than 10 minutes, the car was put to a stop. you hugged your purse and you started slowly sitting back up. you looked at jaehyun, who's head and eyes were scanning the area again. jaehyun got out the car and walked to your door, opening it and signaled you to get out, you continues hugging you purse to your chest tightly as you quickly ran towards the hideout and got inside, with jaehyun following you behind.

you took deep breaths and watched jaehyun you looked extremely wary yet calm and collected. you were almost killed and jaehyun looked chill, although you doubt he felt like it. "taeyong's coming. wait for him in the main area." you folowed his instructions and took a seat in the couch of the main area, which basically consisted of a single couch and a very large table. the main area is where everyone would gather if they needed to plan something together, like breaking into a house and sorting out the escape routes etc. you werent part of those meetings but you were always there at the doorframe to see what taeyong and the others were talking about.

you took out your phone, not seeing any messages. you sighed and shoved your phone bac into your purse. it didnt take long for taeyong to come rushing through the door and placing himself on the couch, sitting down beside you and hugging you tightly. you nervously placed your arms around him, seeing the other members aloqly coming into the room. you let out a soft 'uh' into taeyong's ear, signalling taeyong to pull away from you since there were many eyes on you, wierded out that taeyong is being way too touchy with a gang member.

taeyong immediately noticed you hint and pulled away, coughing as he walked toward the huge table and slammed bot his arms down. "bishop is coming, in no time, theyll find out about our hideout and attack." the gang members begin to gather around the table. jaehyun however was standing with his arms folded behind the couch. "splint into groups and disperse. we cant be gathering in big groups like this. leaders take charge." you see the leaders of the sub groups, which were taeil, winwin and johnny nodding their heads to their boss. "those under me. stay low. dont do anything reckless. although it applies to everyone so." taeyong shrugged and sighed, rubbing his temples. "okay thats all. everyone head out tomorrow morning. im calling the leaders in the future to give further orders."

everyone said their goodbyes and exited the room one by one. jaehyu was the last one to stand at the door and before heading out, he gave a look to taeyong, which taeyong responded with a nod and walked out, closing the door behind hi and leaving you and taeyong alone in the main area. taeyong turned towards you and took a seat beside you, looking at you up and down. "im so glad youre safe." taeyog brings his hand uo to cup your cheek and frowned slightly and hugged him tight, digging your face into his chest. taeyong held you close and strokes your hair slowly and placed a kiss on the top of your head. "im not gonna let you go out without me or jaehyun anyore. i cnt imagine what woud happen if you went out alone." taeyong whispered as he pulled away, looking at your face before pulling you into a deep kiss. he pulled himself away from you. "you must be shock from that. im letting you sleep in my room."

you nodded slowly and stood up, following taeyong out of the main area and to his bedroom, which is basically his office. he lets you go inside first and closed the door behind him. he immediately unbottoned his white button up shirt, taking it off and throwing it at the edge of the bed and took a seat on the bed. "why are you so dressed up? you only went to the supermarket." taeyong commented as his eyes scanned you up and down, your outfit looking too bold for going somewhere simple in the middle of the night. "its not often i get to go out of this place. i just wanted to look good." yoy stripped your clothes off till you were in your bra and underwear. you placed your clothes where taeyong's shirt was and picked up his shirt to put it on. "you look nice in my shirt."

you giggled you walked over to the bed and layed down beside taeyong. taeyong cuddled you close, your leg over his and you burry your head deep into his neck. "im going to keep you safe from now on." teyong said, planting kisses on your shoulder. "thats not what a 'friend' says you know." taeyong lets out a 'tsk' before closing his eyes. "sleep," taeyong muttered. you smiled softly and kissed his cheek one last time before falling asleep. to be honest, you didnt know what was yor relationship with taeyong. for now, you only wanted to think of taeyong as your friend with benefit. besides, how can a gang keader even have time to fall in love. you were only there to comfort him, seeing his soft side. you felt that his actions says more than what your relationship with him is, but you chose to not let you imagination wonder too far. you liked taeyong, but you never wanted to interfere with his work by having a relationship with him, thinking that you would be a burden.

the next morning you woke up to see taeyong who just got out of the shower. you yawned and sat up straight, waiting taeyong who’s abs were out in the open, immediately diverting your eyes to it. “you’ve seen it plenty of times but you’re always staring at it like its your first time.” taeyong said calmly. you blinked your eyes and gaze your eyes up at taeyong who was drying his hair with a small towel. you blushed and stood up from the bed. “i cant help it.” you shrugged and begin to unbutton taeyong’s shirt which you slept in and slipped into your own clothes. before you walked out to head to your own room, taeyong pulls you to him by the waist in a swiftly motion and planted a kiss on your lips. “shower and get ready by 9 at the main area. im having a meeting which you need to be there for.” you smiled soft and interlocked your hands with his before letting go and heading out to your room.

you quickly showered and changed your outfit into a more comfortable one, merely only wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. you shoved your phone into your back pocket and and shoved your hands into the sides of your hoodie and walked your way over to the main room.

when you arrived, you see the members that are grouped to be under taeyong standing around. you noticed that taeyong has yet to arrive. you see jeno hanging around the corner with jaemin. you headed over to them, since they’re the only ones you would consider close to. “mal! how was last night? did you have fun?” jeno asked, tilting his head and grinning widely with the smile of a cheshire cat. you furrowed your eyebrows and slapped his should, making him flinch back as he let out a hiss. jaemin looked at the both of you, confused. “what happened last night?” jaemin questioned you. you shook your head with a smile. “oh its nothing. i just played cod with mark last night.” you glared at jeno who still had his smile on. you rolled your eyes and folded your arms. just how does he know everything? you thought to yourself.

you heard the door open, revealing taeyong in a ravishingly beautiful slick black suit. you clicked your tongue in amusement as you eyed him. what’s the occasion for him to be dressing this good? “great everyone’s here. let’s walk through what’s going to happen tonight.” tonight? what is taeyong going to do? is this what he worked long hours for? you listened attentively as taeyong talked about the plan to the members. you were in awe. you weren’t mentioned in the whole plan at all. why did you have to be here? “this needs to be pulled off properly if we’re going to beat that shit. got it? mal, i just need you to stay with me.” taeyong said as he turned his head to the back to face you. you widened your eyes and nodded quickly. “we head out at 12am sharp.” with that, taeyong walked out of the room, leaving everyone to do their own things.

jaemin chuckled. “this is going to be fun.” jaemin said in a sing-song tone. “the fuck is so good about killing a bunch of people jaemin?” you took your phone out to check the time, realising that they had the meeting for four hours and its already 1 in the afternoon. “its the chaos that excites me.” jaemin winked at you, laughing sinisterly and shoved his hands in his trousers and walked out with his shoulders laid back. “he’s only being sadistic. its fine.” you looked at him with a weirded out face. he snorts and jerked your arm with his elbow. “chill m. he’s just joking with you.” members slowly started going out of the main area. you decided to hang out at the arcade area.

the whole day went by quick since you were on your phone the entire time and once it was beginning to get close to 12am. the place started to get hectic with everyone preparing their guns and maing sure they have everything ready before moving out. you however, were just waiting in the main area. you figured that everyone would gather there first so you decided to get your lazy ass out of the arcade room and to the main area.

one by one, members started coming in. you see everyone, including jeno and jaemin with a pistol in hand. you have handled those before but your aiming really sucked. no one in the gang can compare to taeyong's gun skills though. his precision is so good he can shoot someone right in the center of their forehead from such long distances. he liked using old fashioned guns that were different from what the others had since he was more comfortable with it.

by 12am sharp as promised, everyone has gathered in the main area.taeyong gave one last look to all the members and everyone nodded their heads and exited the room swiftly, leaving you, taeyong and jaehyun.

"jaehyun's going to drive us to the mansion. after that, im not letting you out of my sight. got it?" you hummed in response as the three of you proceeded as planned, getting in the car immediately after getting out of the hideout and headed to david chong's mansion.

when you arrived, the car was right in front of the entrance of the mansion. you look through the window andnoticed how extravagant it looked. it looked rich, like it costed millions of dollars, but that is what to be expected from a mafia boss who has money rolling in every second. taeyong asked you to stay put in the car while jaehyun and taeyong got out of the car to talk to the two security guards that were standing at two sides of the entrance and heavily armed with multiple guns strapped on their black vests. taeyong and jaehyun were being checked by the two security guards to avoid having any guns being pointed at david chong, well that made sense.

not long after, jaehyun opened the door of the car and taeyong stood in front of you before grabbing you by the arm and getting you out. you were being pulled to the entrance. the security guards immediately scanning you up and down. "the fuck you looking at my girlfriend for? she's unarmed dont worry." taeyong hissed at them, making them click their tongues and allowing you and teyong to enter, along with jaehyun following behind. did taeyong called you his girlfriend? well that was unexpected.

upon entry, you see a huge grand room which two large sets of stairs on either side, leading and connected together to the second floor, to which a old men stepped out of the shadows of the dimly lit room. "lee taeyong. been awhile since ive seen you in the mansion." taeyong only kept silent, his seemingly cold blooded gaze on david chong. right now, taeyong looked extremely intimidating. although you werent scared by him the first time you met him, this was different. it felt as thoug even his gaze can kill soeone out of fear.

"come back home, taeyong. ill take you under my wing again, and youll live the finest life ever." david chong said. you observed him closely. you thought he looked like those males that become more ugly the more they age. "like hell i would." taeyong said. suddenly, david chong's eyes turned to you. you widened your eyes in fear, but tried to look calm and collected. "who is this beautiful and precious young lady?" he tilted his head and the smiled widly. you were disgusted by the old man was eyeing you right now. taeyong puts a hand on your shoulder. "you remember her right? the girl that your snipers tried to get." the old man started to climb down the stairs. taeyong watching his every step. david chong eventually ended up standing in front of you.

"looking up close, she's more pretty than i thought. could be of use to me." the old man come up close to you, way too close. he placed his thumb on your chin, tilting your head up and he examined your face. your eyes went to taeyong, who instantly pulled you away from him, making you stand behind him. "dont fucking touch her." the old man responded with a loud chuckle. "protective as always. i really did raise you up well." david chong kept his eyes on you. you could tell that taeyong would have ripped his neck open by now, but he kept calm regardless of the overflowing rage at how close david was getting to you.

"how about this? lets arrange a deal." david said, folding his arms in front of him as he stood a foot away from taeyong, who only stared at him fiercely. "i have the girl, and you get your freedom." you widened your eyes, gaze immediately switching from david to taeyong, constantly going back and forth. you felt jaehyun's presense from behind coming closer. "so i dont need your ugly ass and your men tailing my every move if i let her be one your your billions of prostitutes." taeyong raised and eyebrow and laughed histerically, making him look the only crazy one in the room. his eyes grew dark soon after. "try that and you wont see the light of day. though i think today is the last time you ever will." taeyong's eyes glanced to the side where it was dark and in a split second, a gun slided on the floor from the darkness and was in taeyong's arm. immediately, all the members got out from lurking in the darkness, guns all pointed towards david. however, david's men, including bishop's group, appeared on the second floor.

you looked around you in shock, overwhelmed by how much has happened in the blink of an eye. you moved back slightly, feeling jaehyun's hand on your back which made you feel a little safe. you see taeyong pointing his gun towards david's head, to which david responded with a low chuckle. "what, you want to kill me? i have many gangs under me. i could get you devoured in a second." you hear jaehyun letting out a huff as a gun was tossed to him as well. "im not that dumb please."

taeyong wraped his arm around david's neck and turned around to face biship's gang at the second floor. "move and he dies." taeyong shouted, tightening his grip on david's neck. you could tell that bishop's gang members were irritated and taken aback by what taeyong did. taeyong gestured his head towards winwin, who the signalled his gang to go up to the second floor.

"drop your guns." winwin said to the group of men. they were about to put their guns on the floor when a bullet was fired at winwin's shoulder, who immediately whinced in pain. the whole room became a chaos as bishop's gang started to attack. you froze in fear. taeyong shot david in the leg and turned around to look at you. without realising, you see jaehyun on the floor with bishop's members surrounding him. one of the men grabbed you and placed your hands behind your back, tightening his grip. you stared at taeyong with widened eyes, too scared to do anything. you tried to get away from the man's grasp, but clrly you werent strong enough to go against him. you see someone coming up from behind taeyong. "taeyong behind you!" it was too late. taeyong was knocked down unconscious. "taeyong!" you cried out, trying you best to get to taeyong, but you couldnt. you cried as you saw taeyong's body fell to the ground. you realised jaehyun was unconscious as well. it didnt take long for them to knock you out soon after realising the situation you were in.

your eyes fluttered open. you tried to move but realised you were tied up with your hands behind your back and your legs tied together as well. you looked around, trying to process where you were at. it looked like a basement of some sort. the walls looked old and moldt and there was nothing else around you other than taeyong and jaehyun. you started wondering where your other members were at. you wiggled your way towards taeyong who's body was still and wasnt that far away from you. you tried to wake him up by bumping your head on his chest. it didnt take him long to wake up. "mal. fuck they caught us." taeyong muttered under breath as he woke jaehyun up by kicking jaehyun's leg. jaehyun looked around. you saw jaehyun's ear twitch suddenly. he leaned towards the door. "they're coming." jaehyun said. the room fell silent as the door flew open, revealing david alone, walking in. "look at you. i thought you were stronger than this taeyong." david bent down to meet taeyong's eye level. taeyong turned his head away.

"so whats it going to be? the girl, or you?" david walked over to you and grabbed you by the collar and lifted you up, his head getting close to your neck and he took in your scent. you bite your lip and tilted your head away, struggling to kick him away. "smells like money to me." david chuckled. taeyong and jaehyun both hissed at him like snakes. david acted scared, letting out a "woah." sarcastically. "you got one hour to decide. also.." bishop suddenly appeared at the entrance of the door and walked over to taeyong. "pleasure seeing you again." bishop said to taeyong. "to think you would be dumb enough to team up with david. go to hell." taeyong argued. "i thinnk youre the one going to hell, when i torture you to death." bihsop instantly pulls out a night and placed it at taeyong's neck. jaehyun tried to kick it away but to no avail. "im having him torture you while you decide. have fun." with that, david dropped you back to the ground, and left the room. you heard him lock it, just great.

"now, what are we going to do with you three?" bishop romved the knife from taeyong's neck and circled around the three of you. "all we wanted to do was take david's money and bring him to the police for fuck sake." taeyong said as he rolled his eyes. "you shouldnt let me know your plan, idiot." bishop commented when he stopped behind you, pulling your hair, making you whince. "tell me, you ever had sex before?" your raised an eyebrow and kept your mouth shut. "not going to reply i see." out of nowhere, bishop connected his lips with yours and tried kissing you, but you didnt let him, still struggling to get out of his grasp. "get away from her!" taeyong shouted as jaehyun kicked bishop in the stomach with his legs. you fell down and coughed in disgust. bishop laughed, standing up and squat down infront of you. you spit in his face and stared him in the eyes. "fiesty. i see why david could have fun with her." bishop whispered. the only thing you could think about was how furious taeyong looked, his eyes burning in anger.

"well, i didnt come here to torture taeyong so, ill be on my way now." bishop suddenly carried you bridal style. you screamed taeyong and jaehyun's names as you were being carried way from them and out of the room. taeyong looked into your eyes, nodding his head as to signal that you will be fine, and that he'll find a way to get to you. you could only trust him when the door closed, removing taeyong and jaehyun out of your sight.

you didnt know where you being being carried to. you tried to stay calm, but your breathing was completely unstable. bishop noticed how you were acting. "calm down, im only keeping you for myself, i only worked with david to get my hands on you." bishop opened a door and entered the room. it was a bedroom, a good looking one at that, fitting the theme of the whole mansion. "what are you going to do with me?" you asked him, your voice cracking. bishop throws you on the bed and gets on top of you, you shivered as his hand touched your cheek, admirj g your face. "you'll find out soon, love." with that, bishop gets off the bed and walked out the room and locked you in. you looked around, trying to find any possible way to escape. there wasnt a window to escape through and you were unable to come uo with any ideas. you cried as you hugged yourself on the bed, you didnt know what to do. you were away from taeyong. who knows what could happen to you. you cried and cried till your eyes became dry and extemely red.

bishop hasnt come back for awhile now. you closed your eyes and tried to control your breathing, taking in deep breathes to try and calm yourself down, though it was very difficult. you didnt realise you were crying too much to the point where you fell asleep.

you woke up. you werent in the room this time. you looked around, you looked to be in a car. you turned to the front to see jaehyun and taeyong in the front seats, with taeyong driving. "great youre awake. we're heading home, not the hideout though." taeyong said with a monotoned voice. how did you get out? did you fell unconscious or something? you were in bishop's room the last time you were awake. you fell asleep again, too tired to think or even bother to ask yourself questions.

soon, you felt arms carrying you out the car. you fluttered your eyes open to meet taeyong's. he placed a soft kiss at the top fo your head. taeyong carried you to a rundown looking house. the wood on the walls were filled with mold, but it appeared to still be a suitabe place for a hideout. you were placed on a bed and taeyong sat down beside you. he hugged you tightly, and you hugged him back, fully embracing his presence. he plants soft kisses on your neck. you pulled yourself closer to him. "is everyone safe?" you asked with eyes of concern.taeying pulled away from you and smiled softly. "everyone is fine, a few wounded but the doctors are handling that." taeyong pulled you in your a kiss. you wrapped your arms around his neck, while his was placed securedly on your waist. taeyong pulled away and sighed. "im sorry i couldnt protect you." taeyong whispered as he grabbed your hands and places them both on your lap, rubbing your skin lightly with his thumb. you layed a kiss on the side of his lips. "its fine, i was scared, but i knew you would come for me." you smiled softly, trying not to break down again in front of taeyong to make him feel worse.

"i love you." taeyong said. you widened your eyes. "you do?" taeyong hummed and nodded his head in response. you placed your forehead against his. "so we arent friends with benefits?" you asked him again. taeyong gave you wierded out look. "since when were we friends with benefits. i thought you knew that i liked you." you chuckled softly. "you should know youre the kind of person that cant express his feelings well." you commented. taeyong only frowned, to which to kissed it away. "ill keep you safe from now on, no matter what. losing me is better than losing you." taeyong hugged you once again.

after that crazy experience you had, you learned a few things. one, that taeyong was now yours. you didnt have to hide your feelings for him, and the members were apparently happy for you two. well, taeyong would propably rage if anyone opposed it anyways. and two, that you were able to trust taeyong full heartedly. with his strength, you know that he would do anything to keep you safe.

[annamusewrites]

Family isnt all about blood.

She finally was happy and felt safe, she shouldve known you cant stop running from your past and not have it catch up on you, but she doesnt want to lose her brother or her loved even if it meant she suffered.....she really shouldve expected this after all, she was a Taylor and no one walks away from that family.

It didnt really bother her that her brother never settled down with a partner, he had his reasons and trust issues that Ana knew, as long as he was safe, that's all that would matter for now. Granted, she would love for him to find someone but she wasnt going to force that on him either. They were both there for one another and he had accepted Ransom as well. Truthfully, she couldnt be happier and maybe that was the problem. Her happiness had blinded her to what was to come.

"Dads in town" those words made her drop her fork and look wide eyed at her brother but then she picked up her fork "guess he found out about my new job" her tone was flat, their Dad could go to Hell for all she cared right now. He abandoned them so he didnt exist and she wasnt going to let him play the Daddy role just because he found out his so called daughter now had money.

She felt Marty's eyes on her but she carried on with her meal "if he calls you, dont answer" she looked at him "I'm not that stupid" "i wasnt saying you were, I'm just....protective" his words made her smile, she had two protective men in her life, her brother and the love of her life and she loved them both for it "I know" she reached out for his arm "but that man isnt going to walk into our lives again after everything. He had his chances"

No more was said about that man for a couple of days, she got several missed calls from an unknown number and after checking it wasn't anything to do with her work, Ransom or his family, she blocked and ignored any more. She shouldve known ignoring him wouldnt make him go away.

"I'll be over later, just need a shower....an actual shower " she smirked into the phone "give me half an hour and I'll be there. I love you" she hing up the phone to Ransom as she walked into her house. A shower and a change of clothes was a must, she wanted to get rid of work more than anything right now.

Closing the door, she gasped as a hand went across her mouth and dragged her back, her heels falling off her feet as she tried to stay upright. She felt the coldness of the gun resting on her temple, god she wished she hadnt known that feeling and she tried not to panic but then she saw her brother on his knees, all bloodied up from what looked like beatings.

Was this to do with sleeping with the wrong gal? It couldnt of been, Ransom had made sure he knew to only go after single women and Marty wasnt that stupid anymore. She swallowed against the hand as she tried to take in the dark setting, any detail to use against the people not allowed here. Her eyes begging for any sign that he was alright.

"You always were an ignorant brat" that voice made her blood run cold, how did he find her? As if to confirm who he was a tall man now came into view, taking her in and she knew it was the bastard father that abandoned them for money. The hand slid from her mouth and she spat at her father making him slap her hard and grab her throat. She heard Marty try and struggle to help her but then her father laughed "I see you've finally got your mothers fiesty side in you. Shame it didnt help her or you now"

Before she knew it she was tossed onto the floor, her head hitting the corner of the coffee table making her groan out. "Rich little Princess doesnt share with her family" Ana looked up at him "you're not my family, you walked out on us"

Her father grabbed her by the hair, pulling it with no remorse as he made her kneel infront of her brother "no I kicked your good for nothing brother out, you just followed like a weak little puppy" she chewed her inner cheek refusing to whimper at the pain he was causing her by pulling her hair. She looked at her brother, tears stinging her eye with the pain "you're not even half the man Marty is" again that earned her a toss to the ground and a kick to her back.

Biting back the groan, she exhaled harshly as she heard her brother beg for him to stop hurting her and turn back to him "no" she went to push up on her arms only for them to wobble but she didnt care "let him be the monster he always was"

This time when she was dragged by up to her feet she could feel the metallic taste of blood in her mouth, but as she was pinned back to the wall, she felt the suffocating pressure of a hand tightly over her mouth and nose as she grabbed his arm and dug her nails in his arm as he watched her try not to fight for breath.

"Be a good girl and I'll let you breath" there was only one perfect to ever call her that and it certainly wasnt him. It made her feel sick hearing it from those lips. She felt his other hand grip her throat as tears streamed down her cheeks, her lungs begging for breath but she wasnt gling to fight for it either. Half an hour, she just had to last half an hour and then Ransom would call her and wouldnt get any answer and knew something was wrong but then he would walk straight into this and she couldnt bare the thought of him getting hurt. What was she going to do?

Finally he was allowed to breathe as she fell to her knees gasping her breath. Maybe he saw her not struggling as compliance, right now she could care less. Blinking she tried to focus clearly then she heard her brother scream. Looking up she noticed the knife wound "no" "no" she was grabbed again and pinned to someones body as she growled out but she couldnt move.

"I'm going to fucking kill you" her brother growled out and Ana didnt have any complaints there. She hears her cell ring, fuck, it couldnt of been half an hour already. Her father got her phone and showed her the caller ID, Linda was calling her and as her father tossed her phone out into the hallway, she felt a dreaded feeling that having not been able to reach Ana, Linda would phone Ransom. She was in two minds if that was a good idea or not.

"Havent changed at all, still the low life whore than ever, Martin" her father sounded displeased but when was he happy "your sister achieves alot more than you but still needs teaching on how to act properly. What? You both thought I'd let you walk away, embarrass me and I'd never punish you both for it? Thanks to Ana taking on that job and a very helpful assistant I found exactly where you loved"

Her mind whizzed trying to think who wouldve given out her address, she was going to fire that person....if they ever got out "What do you want?" Her words seemed to echo around the room making all eyes appear on her "what inwant is respect and I'm going to get it from you both one way or another. You're both coming back home, whether it's in a body bag or three back of the car is up to you"

"Go to hell" both her brother and her seemed to say at the same time, she kicked back making the man holding her back off and groan "fucking bitch" he grabbed her by the hair "going to teach you a fucking lesson" he dragged her by her hair up the stairs, each step hitting her body like a punch as she tried to struggle and groaned out. Hearing her brother try and get free and call for her made her suddenly want to panic but she wasnt going to show the bastard dragging her she was now scared.

She heard commotion downstairs and her cell phone ringing, now she did want Ransom to come in and somehow not get hurt. Being rescued wasnt such a bad idea. She whimpered as she was thrown onto her bed, trying to get her mind focused on anything but the pain. As her legs were dragged she reached out ontop of the bedside table remembering she had opened a letter with her mothers old fashioned letter opener and managed to grab it. "Going to make you behave bitch" she rose her hand and plunged the letter opener into the side of her neck "go fuck yourself" blood splattered from his neck as she turned her head away and managed to crawl under and away from him as she panted sat on the floor out of his reach as she watched the man who worked for her father bleed to death. She didnt dare think what he was going to do to her as she desperately tried to control her breathing.

Her phone rang again and maybe she shouldve tried to make a run for it. Maybe by some miracle whoever was ringing, more likely ransom, would hear the struggle as she was captured again but she also knew that would cost her brothers life and she couldnt lose him. Swallowing, she blinked , she had killed a man, but it was in self defence but that thought tried to over take her.

Her hands was shaking, as far as she knew there was this dead guy and her father left. Crawling slowly to the body she yanked the letter opener off his neck, trying not to get too much blood on her. She gripped the letter opener tightly and looked under her bed. Didnt Ransom leave a cell under here and said he would collect it later? God she hoped he hadnt collected it already. She smiled as she felt the cell in her hand as she looked through the contact until she reached Ransoms main cell number, but as she dialed his number, she screamed as she was yanked back. She hadnt seen the other man in the room downstairs, another person with her father. She threw the vocal under the bed enough not to be seen as she kept screaming in hopes if Ransom picked up he could tell she was in danger.but not enough that the man grabbed her would know she had another cell.

Against the stairs left their marks and neither touch of the other man was gentle. She was covered in blood and likely to have bruises now too "the fucking bitch killed Roma" he threw her onto the other chair and tied her up.and gagged her. She struggled under the harsh slap of her father stung her face so much she felt like he had taken her skin off, even if it was impossible. She had to save her brother as he was bleeding, god knows to death but now tied down she was trying to think how. "Guess we're going to play this the hard way then. Bring it in" Ana swallowed, it could be anything knowing him and she couldnt quite see what it was as inwas dragged behind her.

"Marty all will.be forgiven, are you going to come.back.home?" Marty knew what that really meant for them both "fuck you" he moaned through his pain and before Ana could realise what was happening her chair was thrown back into.something ice cold. She realised it was a large tub of ice cold.water behind her as she struggled to not breathe in. There was noise.coming from above the surface but she couldnt make it out as her lungs fought for air then she was sat back up coughing for breath.

"Ana come home" Ana looked through her wet eyes "I'd rather die" again she was fallen back into the ice water. A father who tortured his children was no father at all but what was new for her? She gasped for air as she was pulled back up hearing her brother begging for her tonbe let go and he'll go back if she wasnt hurt anymore. They had broken her brother and she couldnt blame him really "no...no. I wont let you go back there" her throat was grabbed, she needed more air and then she heard someokenwalk up her steps "go check it out"

The other man left as her father looked back at her "if youd rather die then so be it" he whispered against her ear "you're not worth the rescue" with that he pushed her chair back into the water and let go, raising the gun he pressed it against her brother forehead.....

@flamingshieldwrites

[meanminyxrd]

believe but its ab a redheaded runaway

alright so today i’m tackling ‘believe’ by hollywood undead. i think the vibes can fit both andrew and neil, but moreso neil in this connotation. as always, book spoilers ahead. i’ve been forgetting to put that lately.

let’s start w the chorus and opening of the song:

I can't believe that when I breathe

There's something good inside of me, just one good thing inside

So close to me, that memory

Of that one good thing inside of me, just one good thing inside of me, yeah

neil is, inherently, a selfish person before he gets attached to the foxes. think ab it: he cares only for his survival and nothing more, nothing less. that takes a certain type of apathy towards other people, which was taught to him by his mother. stay disconnected, stay safe. care for no one but yourself. when he starts seeing that the foxes care for him, and he’s just... playing them, essentially—lying to them about who he is and where he’s come from—he acknowledges that they’re never going to forgive him for ditching them later on in the year; specifically andrew, because he promised andrew he would stay. he feels like a bad person but it’s what he has to do to live. he wants to stay and play exy and be able to focus on something other than survival for once, but he knows it’s all just a play in his head. in the end its about his survival.

If I ran out the backdoor, nobody would stop me, but where would I go?

'Cause I ain't ever had a real home, so what do I know?

So I could keep running, hide until they find me, but what would that do?

If they could only know what I knew, what would it prove?

I should've seen the writing on the wall, instead I'm left to fall

'Cause the longer I'm away, the more we stay the same

Looking back, would've thought I knew it all

Instead I'm left to fall, did I throw it all away?

neil is a runaway. it’s how he’s managed to survive this long; running away and keeping on the move to avoiding his father’s men tracking him down. never leaving a trail, never staying anywhere for too long and never making any connections. when he leaves, there’s no one there to stop him both physically and metaphorically. no connections means he isn’t held back emotionally or by someone forcing him to stay. he’s never really had a home, being on the run his whole life. its all about survival, but neil signs the contract to palmetto, right? he knows he could keep running to stay safe but really, what would that do? is that really living? he wants to open up to people im sure, but what would that prove to them? in his mind it would just show that he was a bad person—dangerous. keeping kevin around is one thing; kevin is an exy star. he’s worth it. but neil? neil is nothing. why would they risk their life for a nobody?

saying he should have seen the writing on the wall alludes to all the hints that his father’s men left that they were closing in on him, however he ignored it just to be able to stay a little longer—play a little longer. instead he ignored it and fell. looking back on it he thought he had a handle on it and would be able to get away or at the very least accept his death, but it actually hurts. he got attached without realizing. and now he’s wondering if any of it was worth it. is this worth losing his life for? or, did he do enough w his time with the foxes and with andrew? or did he throw away that time for nothing?

Don't you know, little boy, they'll lay you to waste, man?

Little do they know every song has a lifespan

Never taken one, but I'm taking my last chance

To hold all we know and let go with both hands

So don't you know the clouds are made from concrete?

Right through the stone, can you hear my heartbeat?

Beats through my bones like the memory left me

Not for a second or a minute when I dream

I wanna go home like the home that I keep

You can dig six or sixty-six feet

‘don’t you know, little boy, they’ll lay you to waste, man?’ his father’s men want him dead and he knows that. they’re who he’s been outrunning his entire life (and i suppose the yakuza but he didn’t know that.) he knows attention is being drawn towards him by being in the public eye, so this is like he’s mocking himself, because he knows he’s taking a very big unnecessary risk. he’s never taken a chance in his life before because its always been about survival. but this time he is taking a chance. he’s taking a chance by joining the palmetto state foxes. but by taking this chance it is metaphorically the last chance he’ll ever take, because at this point he’s 99% sure he’s gonna end up dead by the end of it all. ‘dont you know the clouds are made of concrete?’ referencing that the only way out for him is by death. whether by someone else’s hand or his own. the only way this whole catastrophe is going to end in him being ‘at peace’ or ‘in heaven’ ie the clouds, is if he’s killed. digging 6 or 66 feet down implies ‘6 feet under’, again a death metaphor.

We could live forever, still your misery missed me

Hold this song together with a bottle of whiskey

Look into the mirror at the lines that time drew

See them painted white and the eyes that shine through

My heart beats heavy in an open chest

And I wanna say goodbye, but there's nobody left

he could have gone to his dad and flipped everything on his mom instead, or run off to live with his uncle, but the anger that his father had missed neil. yes, neil had his father’s temper, but his father was tainted with misery that neil didn’t get and he didn’t want any part in the crime scene of things. ‘look into the mirror at the lines that time drew, see them painted white and teh eyes that shine through.’ this part to me is in the mirror after the nest, when neil is first really seeing his scars, ‘the lines that time drew’ would reference like old age lines stereotypically, but in neil’s case i see it a reference to his scars because that’s what marks time for him—his scars. the scars that his dad and his dad’s men left. the scars that riko left. the scars he has just from living. the ‘eyes that shine through’ is because neil no longer has his contacts. when wymack gets him from the airport he has nothing of his disguise left. and god, is he tired of running. his heart is so heavy. he wants to be able to say goodbye to someone when he dies, but there’s no one left. his mom is dead and he has no connections other than, now, the foxes. but being in this mindset of its him vs everyone, he’s alone. he cant say goodbye to anyone but himself.

I broke it all, and I put it to the test

Put your hand on mine, and feel this emptiness

There's no beat in my chest 'cause there's nothing left

No, it ain't goodbye, it's a last caress

What's another dream? You can hardly sleep

Can you believe bad things only happen to me?

God knows one day you will finally see

That scars will heal but were meant to bleed

neil, by making these decisions, broke every self imposed rule he had for himself to stay safe. he broke the rules his mother had set in place prior to her death, and he tested the limits. he chanced trusting, if just a little. he chanced making a connection. specifically, with andrew. so this part is really andreil heavy for me. let me explain why.

this part is almost like the locker room scene when his father’s men were being security guards and he knew he no longer stood any chance. he says goodbye to andrew in that moment, and this last part is a big goodbye message to me.

he’s empty. he’s out of fight. he cant fight or he would risk the foxes lives too. there’s nothing left inside of him. he says thank you to andrew as a goodbye, but it’s not a goodbye, no, it’s a last touch, one last joy to share even if it’s small. ‘whats another dream? you can hardly sleep.’ what’s the loss of something you lose all the time? what’s the loss of something that doesnt matter? neil doesnt think he matters to andrew, and so what will his loss mean, if anything? why would andrew care? the ‘can you believe bad things only happen to me?’ is a mocking quote if anything; bad things have followed neil around his whole life, and though statistically its not true only bad things happen to him, it sure feels like he’s got the worst of it. and even in the off chance that andrew does miss him, the emotional scars will heal, even if it does hurt. because neil doesnt think he matters as much to andrew as he really does.

Do you realize I would lie for you?

Please, have my last breath, I would die for you

I know I'm no good, but my heart beats true

You know I'm gonna fight, though I might be scared to lose

You took me in, and I fucked it up again

An empty promise? No, I won't pretend

'Cause in the end we need someone to solve 'em

Nobody can fix me if I'm part of the problem

he would give everything to protect the foxes. he cares about them more than he’d like to admit. he may seem distant, but do they realize how far he’s willing to go to ensure their safety? first he went to the nest to protect them, right? now he’s literally going off to his death to keep them safe. he would lie for them, he would die for them; he would throw away everything he could and couldn’t have for them. he doesnt believe hes a good person, for putting them all in this situation, but he’s trying his best. his heart has the best intentions for the foxes. in that ‘goodbye’ to andrew, he conveys so much, and andrew obviously catches on that it’s a goodbye. but neil conveys that he’s gonna fight, even if he’s scared he’s gonna lose, even if he knows he’s gonna lose. andrew took him in after everything; after being sus of neil and then neil telling him half truths, and yet he’s fucking everything up again by going off to die. and empty promise? there isnt an empty failed promise because he made andrew break off the deal beforehand. in the end, andrew was the one who was helping to fix him. the connection he formed with andrew made him feel like he had a shot; like maybe they could outwit his father and he would be safe. however, this whole situation including himself couldn’t be fixed because he is a part of the problem. he blames himself for the foxes being a target so to keep them safe he will go off w his father’s men and remove the issue. no one can fix him and keep him safe if he’s the dangerous one.

uhhh yeah i hope you liked my breakdown! here’s neil’s playlist if you’re curious for more! see ya next time.

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[unicornofdanger]

The Girl from the South

Author’s Note: I’m going to make this two parts because I had an idea for it but then it completely changed once I started writing. I am very happy with how this turned out and I can’t wait to start the second part. I have always loved writing for Game of Thrones even if I’m not caught up with the show. I have 12 or 13 one shots that I’m working on that should be posted in the next couple of weeks. I hope that you guys like this.

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Masterlist & Prompt Lists

Game of Thrones Prompt List

Requested by @lxdyred

Robb Stark x Reader

14. “This isn’t going to be a war. It’s going to be a massacre.”

33. “I’m with him. For better or for worse.” “It’ll probably be worse.” “I knew that the day I met him.”

57. “Turn the pain into power, darling.”

58. “I love it when someone insults me. That means that I don’t have to be nice anymore.”

59. “Yes, I’m a bitch, but not yours.”

Word Count: 2,952

Warnings: Language, Mention of War

It was a chilly day at Winterfell. The cold wind found ways to seep through every crap and send shivers down peoples' spines. Y/n was bundled up in her furs as she walked down the corridor. She hadn’t been there long, only being married to the oldest Stark boy for a few months. She had just been in the North long enough to not enjoy the cold. Many people had told her that she would get used to the weather, but they were all from cold parts of Westeros as well.

Y/n was from southern Dorne, which was warner compared to its counterpart. It was probably all around better than it’s counterpart if Y/n were to give her honest opinion. Dorne had beautiful buildings, castles that towered over its many cities. When Y/n thought of Dorne she thought of color. She thought of the many different flowers that bloomed in the spring and how they were present throughout the summer. Thinking of Donre was thinking of warmth, of color, of the sun touch bare skin.

The North didn’t conjure such thought. It was cold and dark. It brought about weather that no one enjoyed, yet they stayed there. The North was a horrible place to live, people were able to find joy in it somehow. But Y/n wasn't sure that she would have moved there if it wasn’t for her parents. The North was cold and the people weren’t as welcoming to newcomers. They wanted to keep their traditions and beliefs intact and they thought that people from other parts of Westeros were a threat to that. That those people didn’t understand the history behind what they did.

Whether Y/n enjoyed her time in Winterfell didn’t matter, she couldn’t go back home. Catelyn, Robb’s mother, had made it clear from day one that she was to stay at Winterfell and do her “duty”. Y/n hoped that she didn’t mean just bear children because she did not want that to be her only job in life.

“Y/n!” Sansa called from down the hall. Y/n turned to see the oldest Stark girl approach her, needlepoint in hand. Y/n was glad that she was able to get out of that boring task. Her sisters used to force her to do it with them, gossiping about other girls their age the whole time. “I finally finished the fox,” she told her sister-in-law when she was close enough.

Sansa handed the piece of cloth over, Y/n took it from the girl, running her fingers over the little orange and red fox. In the center of the fabric was an orange and red fox that was surrounded by purple and pink flowers and grass. “It’s beautiful,” she stated, handing it back.

“I thought you would like it,” she beamed. “I had trouble and messed up a couple of times on the stitching, but I finally got it.”

Y/n nodded as the two walked down the hall, side by side. Sansa was one of the only members of the Stark family who treated her with more than respect. She treated her like a friend. Like a sister. Robb’s parents acknowledged that Y/n deserved to be treated well, but they never went out of their way to be friendly and welcoming to her. She would have thought that Catelyn would have since she was married off to Lord Stark years before. She was the only one who would know how Y/n felt. The youngest Stark boys didn’t really pay her much mind as they were busy with their studies or playing around when they were away from their mother. Arya... she was indifferent. She spent much of her time with Y/n, but only because she wanted to escape her mother’s grasp and Catelyn thought that Y/n would try and make Arya act like the lady she was supposed to be. Y/n never cared what Arya didn’t in her presence as long as it made the girl happy. And for Jon Snow, Robb’s bastard brother, the two never spent much time together. He was always keeping himself busy with whatever there was to do.

“What gave you the idea for the fox,” Y/n asked Sansa as they turned a corner, passing a couple of servants.

“Well,” she started, fiddling with the cloth. “Arya doesn’t care much for needlework, but you do. And... well, I thought that you would appreciate having a reminder of your home, your family. They are more important than anything else in life.”

Y/n nodded. Her family had been her life for so long, the day she left them was the worst day of her life. She had to say goodbye to her older brothers and noisy sisters. She missed sitting around the table at their estate, arguing over whatever her brothers brought up. She missed how friendly they were. They were warm and welcoming and everything that Winterfell was not. She missed their laughter and the competitive sword fights that her brothers would get in. She missed being around them. Turning a corner and seeing them there.

Sansa was right, Y/n did appreciate the little fox. It was the symbol of her house. It was the symbol of what her family stood for and no marriage, no union, would change the fact that Y/n was a Y/l/n. No distance, no weather, no man, no king, no nothing could change the fact that she was born a Y/l/n and she would die one as well.

At that moment, she understood why people of the North were wary of those from the rest of Westeros. Everyone held different customs and traditions. In Winterfell, the men of the Stark family executed those that deserved to lose their heads. That was one of there traditions. In Y/n’s family, women were trained alongside the men to maim and kill. They were taught to be more than just pretty objects that men used whenever they pleased. And that was their tradition. Because of that, because of her upbringing, her family’s tradition, people weren’t too fond of house Y/l/n. Many agreed that women should be treated with respect, but few agreed that they should be treated with the same respect as men. So, when Y/n first arrived at Winterfell, she always told people that what they believed of her upbringing was a myth. A lie made up to ruin her family’s reputation. It made it a little easier to adjust. Only a little.

“That’s very thoughtful of you, Sansa. And that little fox-” Y/n pointed to the cloth. “- shows just how talented you are.”

Later that night, everyone was gathered in the dining hall for dinner. Y/n was seated next to Robb, who was talking to Bran about he needed to work on his archery. The poor boy hadn’t been able to catch a break as Arya would always come in a shoot his target before he could. Y/n believed that he was simply nervous. Eyes were always on him, watching his every move. The poor boy only wanted to impress his family, yet there stares prevented him from it.

Robb turned to his wife, tired of fighting with Bran about his stance. “How was your day, darling?”

Y/n took a sip of wine before answering. She wished that he would learn to ask other questions as that was the only one he ever seemed to ask her for the three months they’d known each other. “My day was well. Sansa made it better by showing me the needlepoint that she completed. She’s a very talented girl.”

Sansa blushed, trying not to look up from her food.

“Yes, my sister is very talented with a needle,” he noted, getting a glare from Arya who was not talented or interested in needlepoint. Something that members of her family liked to point out.

Y/n returned to her food when a servant appeared at her side, handing her a folded piece of paper. She took the paper, thanking them before they ran off to fill empty wine glasses. No one seemed to care too much about the paper that was in her hands as everyone seemed to have turned the attention to some lord who was going to be visiting in a few weeks time. Y/n unfolded the note, reading what a was written in a foreign tongue. It was her mother’s first language as her family moved to Westeros when she was only a child. She grew up speaking it and that was often the language that her family used to communicate with as few knew it.

“That son of a bitch,” Y/n muttered under her breath as she stood from the table. The Stark family could only watch as she stormed out of the dining hall, unaware of what she had finished reading.

Walking out into the courtyard, Y/n saw a man leaned up against one of the wooden beams. The sun had set a few hours before, the only light being that of the torches that lined the courtyard. Y/n stood in the archway that lead out to the courtyard, observing the man. He looked nothing like any man in Winterfell with his tan skin and light hair, both weathered from the sun.

“And there is my lovely sister,” the man said, turning from the beam. In two steps her was by her side, trying to wrap her in a hug.

Y/n fought him off, to pissed off with him to want any affection. “What the hell is this?” she asked, waving the note in his face. “You can’t be fucking decent and talk to me in front of them!”

Her brother only laughed, his y/e/c shining under the torch lights. “Is that all you care about?” He walked around her, circling her like prey. “What they think of you? Are you ashamed of where you come from, Y/n? Who your family is?”

Y/n shook her head. Y/b/n was doing what he always did. He found delight in ruffling people’s feathers. In pissing them off, hoping that they would swing at him. He had a way of getting into fights and justifying that it wasn’t his fault. And Y/n hated him for it as she was often his target. “Why are you here?”

He clicked his tongue, stopping in front of her. “You didn’t answer my questions.”

Y/n rolled her eyes. She loved her brothers, all of them, but sometimes they had a way of making her hate them. “You want to know how I feel?” Her brother nodded. “Okay, well these people,” she pointed to the doors, “are who I am forced to live with, dine with, and be around until I die! The rest of my life will be lived here! I care what they think because it affects how I am treated, how I am respected!” As her voice grew louder and she grew angrier, her husband and his father and brother peeked their heads out of one of the doors leading to the courtyard, concerned since she hadn’t returned to her food. “I am not ashamed of my family, Y/b/n! I am not ashamed of where I come from or how I was raised, how we were raised! I am only ashamed of how others look at us, thinking that we are the enemy! How they treat us, thinking they know everything about us when they never care to even share a word with us!”

Her brother sighed, growing impatient with her. “Are you done?”

Y/n wrapped herself in her arms, cursing herself for not bring some layers with her. The wind from earlier had stopped but that hadn’t kept it from being cold out. Y/n had a feeling that the ground would be frozen, covered in a thin layer of frost, in the morning. “Only,” she paused, poking her brother in the shoulder, “if you tell me what the hell this is about.”

Y/b/n shoved his hands in his pockets and muttered to himself about how cold Winterfell was. Neither of them were used to the weather, but at least he didn’t have to live with it for the rest of his life. “The note explains it all,” was all he said.

Setting her jaw, Y/n glared up at him. How her brothers could be so difficult! It wasn’t just one, it was all of them. Y/b/n simply learned it from the others. “No. It. Doesn’t.”

Robb moved where he stood, walking over to be by his wife’s side. He was bundled up in furs, smart enough to grab them before he came out. “What’s going on here?”

Y/n glanced at him, not in the mood to answer his question. Behind him she could see his father and Jon standing outside the door, ready to jump into to the mess if necessary. They wouldn’t have to, Y/n didn’t intend to hurt her brother. Not yet, anyway. When her brother didn’t answer, Y/n did for him. “Fine. Maybe it does. I just don’t know what you bastards think you're going to accomplish with this,” she gestured to the note. “This isn’t going to go over well for anyone and I hope to the fucking gods that you did not come here to ask me to be a part of this.”

“And what if I did?”

Robb looked between the two siblings, confusion written on his face. He wasn’t sure if stepping in would solve the problem as Y/n looked like she was about to murder someone. She was showing him a side of her that he had never witnessed before and he was entirely sure how to handle that.

“You stupid bastards!,” Y/n yelled turning away from her brother. She couldn’t stand one more minute of the cold northern air or the stupid southern man. “This- whatever the fuck you want to call it- this isn’t going to be a war. It’s going to be a massacre. And I don’t want to be involved! I don’t want to watch thousands of people die for no fucking reason!”

Y/b/n rubbed the back of his neck as Robb and he watched her walk across the courtyard towards Eddard and Jon.

In their mother tongue, her brother yelled at her as she grew closer to the men. “It’s always you that has to go and be a fucking bitch! You know that! You seem to forget that we have no choice in this ‘massacre’ as our allies across the damn waters are waging this war!”

Y/n stopped dead in her tracks. Her family always found a way to force her into situations that she didn’t want to be in. Her father made arrangements with Lord Stark to have her marry there oldest child. That left her stuck in a land where she could easily freeze to death. And now this! Yes, it was customary to help one's allies in times of war, but at what cost. This fell onto Y/n’s mother’s family. If they had kept to themselves and learned that greed never got men far, then they would think twice about joining some war. They would think twice before dragging their whole family in it.

“I love it when someone insults me,” she muttered to herself. “That means that I don’t have to be nice anymore. Even if it is family”

Turning on her heel, she looked her brother dead in the eyes. I’m well aware that you have no choice,” she seethed in a language that the men around her could understand. “I’m also well aware that you have the choice to take a different stance on this. Because if you are doing this because that tyrant of a man thinks it’s right than you are not my brother! None of you are!”

Her brother was taken back, opening his mouth to say something but he didn’t know what could match her words. She was right. There were other options that still pleased their allies. But those options often went overlooked. And he had expected her to help, that’s what she always did. Her father raised her to be his right hand. To be able to take care of herself and lead armies.

“And, yes, I am a bitch, but not yours. So, don’t you ever come here and expect anything of me. Don’t expect my help, my respect, or my loyalty. I may have been born a Y/l/n name but I am no longer one. Not here, anyway. Not in the North. Not in Winterfell.” With that she swiftly left the courtyard, moving passed Eddard and Jon.

With the door shut behind her, Robb looked towards his brother-in-law who could do nothing but shake his head. Robb wasn’t sure what was going on, but he knew that he had just seen part of his wife that she never intended him to see.

For Y/n’s brother, he knew that she would change her mind. She always did. When their grandfather came calling for help, the family was forced to do whatever the man pleased as he always told them that they owed him everything. Y/n would remember that and she would come to the family’s aid. She was right in the fact that there was more than one option on the table and that all should be considered. Y/b/n turned from the Stark men and walked out of the courtyard.

[mobpsycho100]

dumbasses: “it was just a fight for 10 eps straight”

the actual narrative that was being presented throughout the entire fight:

it started with luffy going into the mirror world and smashing it so katakuri couldnt come out of it. what this did was impressed katakuri for the first time when he sees luffy determination to protect his crew (most of the fight was about gaining respect for luffy so this is important to keep in mind). luffy came into this situation where he knew he wouldnt be getting out easy just to save his crew. despite being clearly outclassed luffy chooses to go fight and this is the first thing he did that earned his respect. they fight some and what oda is tryna show at this part of the fight is that katakuri is better than luffy in every single way. no matter what attack luffy did, katakuri mirrored it and returned it but way stronger. their powers are the same (rubber / mochi) and the fight itself is set up in a mirror world because katakuri is a mirror / parallel to luffy. this initial part was to also showcase that luffy couldnt attack katakuri no matter what he did and set that mystery up. this was also set up for showing katakuri was a huge badass and a super powerful guy. and we learn the first part of his back story through the side characters expositing about how since the day he was born katakuri just sat up and fell asleep and has never laid his back to the ground ever in his entire life. its goofy and hilarious as hell but theres a deeper message to it that we find out about later on.

so katakuri uses a big attack after beating luffy down in basically every single way and just flattens him with this mountain of mochi because he became irritated at how luffy wouldnt stay down and kept getting back up after every single attack. we didnt know why he was so annoyed at this point in the story but we later find out that katakuri was frustrated cause he couldnt understand why luffy was okay with getting back up after being beat so much cause in his eyes, being beaten so badly is shameful and that you should be ashamed to show weakness. because of his annoyance towards luffy and the fact that he was late to his merienda time, he didnt check to make sure luffy was fully dead before leaving and going to make a house of mochi so he could eat donuts sinfully while laying on the ground.

then the biggest event in this entire fight happens. luffy survives the big attack and breaks the mochi house and sees katakuri's indulging in his donut private time and learns his biggest secret, which he kept hidden even from his family for the past probably 30 years. he sees katakuri with his scarf off and sees his huge fucked up mouth (which he was made fun of by almost everyone even his own family, growing up) open laying on the ground and eating donuts. this is the second thing luffy does to gain katakuri’s respect. luffy demonstrates he does not give a shit about katakuri’s appearance or what he does and is cool with it all and doesnt make fun of him UNLIKE most people katakuri knows would do. this was also establishing a strong parallel between them and sanji / pudding. so katakuri is mad as hell, that he immediately kills the bystanders who also saw his face and saw katakuri laying on the ground. he covers up his face (because he is still ashamed) and starts fighting luffy again but this time he’s angry as hell. and even tho luffy saw him clearly on his back he doesnt allow any of luffy attacks that land on him to get his back to the ground. because katakuri became flustered over being seen in such a vulnerable position by luffy he’s sloppy but regardless as the fight goes on its still clear katakuri is clearly stronger in every single way and luffy still cant do much to him.

until luffy learns why exactly he wasnt able to hurt katakuri. this is the third thing luffy does to gain katakuri’s respect. he lands the first solid blow on katakuri shortly after that and we learn that its been so long katakuri cant even remember the last time he was hurt like that. luffy presented himself to katakuri as a challenge, which katakuri had not had in many many years. but at this point luffy wasted alot of stamina and had to run out of the mirror world and leave katakuri there. those 10 minutes he was gone to catch his breath, it showed luffy in one of his rarest moments actually thinking about how exactly to defeat katakuri. it works because luffy doesnt really ever have to fight that hard to defeat his opponents usually.

and then the final thing luffy did to gain katakuri’s respect was return back to the mirror world despite the fact that he could have escaped and hid somewhere else. instead he came back for another round proving he can win and get stronger. at this point in the fight both katakuri and luffy know that katakuri is stronger than luffy in every concievable way so katakuri admires luffys courage to return and earnestly try to beat him rather than just disappear off. so the fight resumes and luffy continues to improve on his new technique but katakuri is still stronger.

and then the other big event of this fight happens. katakuri’s sister whom we learnt was president of the katakuri fanclub got a shot on luffy with some sort of  poison dart and katakuri doesnt notice and manages to land a huge shot on him and tear his stomach open while luffy is temporarily disorientated. because of all this build up throughout the arc with katakuri slowly gaining respect for luffy, he is understandably very pissed. because she dared laugh at luffy, somebody who was so strong and had earned his respect in so many ways. katakuri as a sign of ultimate respect towards luffy, spears himself with the same trident he used on luffy. and then he rips off his scarf that he used to hide his mouth and promptly told her to not interfere in a fight between real men. he speared himself to be on equal terms with luffy physically, and he ripped off his scard to be on equal terms with luffy who was being mocked and laughed at by his sister and her cronies. his sister flambe screams in surprise at how hideous he looks but then starts to make fun of his appearance soon afterwards but katakuri was so moved by luffys actions he doesnt care anymore that he revealed his 30+ year secret. he also removes his jacket at this point which has “charlotte” printed on the back which was a metaphor for showing that he’s not fighting for his pirate crew / family anymore. he’s fighting as himself against luffy.

which is FINALLY when they both start to actually go all out against each other, katakuri is still winning but not as overwhelmingly anymore as luffy masters his new technique more and more but katakuri still doesnt allow himself to fall on his back and thats when they both land a big blow and knock each other out which is when the fight ends and for the first time katakuri delibrately falls on his back to show his utmost respect towards luffy.

later on we find out a few chapter after the fight ends that katakuri didnt used to care about who made fun of him when he was younger because he was strong enough to take anybody on, but when some cowards went after his sister instead of him and manage to hurt her, thats what propelled him to hide his face in the first place and put on this persona of being the ultimate badass who never let his back touch the ground and never allowed himself to look weak ever. it didnt matter to him what people said about him or did to him, what truly hurt him deeply was that people were going after his family instead of coming to him. 

this entire arc / fight wasnt about him being a complete badass. it was actually us see him being pressured to become the most perfect big brother but as a result he ended up hiding too many parts of himself away to keep up his act. this is why he thinks falling down is shameful and doesnt allow his back to touch the ground in front of other people because being perfect is how he was able to be so strong and loved by his siblings too. but seeing luffy constantly not only get back up after falling down constantly throughout the fight but not make fun of him and accept him as he is and respect his strength too made him realise that falling down is okay as long as you get back up. that its okay to not be perfect. this is the final puzzle piece put into place for this fight so we could finally see the full picture.

this entire narrative was woven in throughout this entire fight with everything being revealed bit by bit as it all went down. none of this information was spoon fed in one go and then they proceeded to punch each other for 10 episodes straight. it was written with a lot of subtlety and care so things might not have seemed clear enough if you didnt pay enough attention but every little moment added a new layer and it kept building upon itself and revealing new information to the very last moment and then revealing a little extra more in the aftermath so our understanding of the fight was changing all throughout it. the characters we see at the beginning of the fight went through significant changes and come out as different people by the end of it.

[foxes-evermore]

Hey,,,, if you wanna you know,,,, whip me some of that angst you got,,,, that could,,,,,, that could work,,,,, that could be cool,,.

listen,, im in physical pain and also am not able to sleep at the moment so im sitting up in the kitchen getting ready to eat a whole cheesecake and preparing to cry,,,, the angst hour is upon us,,, lets do it

if this is about the thing i said yesterday, the specific angst i was talking about was a Kevaaron Song of Achilles AU, which, im not sure if that’s what you were hoping for, but im emotional,,,, just @ me again if you meant something different sjksldjlksdf

anyway here we go its long im so sorry alksjlskdfj

I’ve said this a lot before but like

Sporty-Boy-With-A-Destiny Kevin Day

Boy-Whom-Was-Treated-Like-Shit-By-The-Only-Parent-He-Knew-But-Succeeded-Out-Of-Spite-And-Became-A-Healer Aaron Minyard

t his writes itself

originally….. listen… originally i was like “of course Riko is Paris and Ichirou is H*ctor,,,, and Jean is Helen”

bUT then i got to thinking

and i’ll be damned if the mcfucking USC Trojans aren’t the for real trojans

and like this adds a whole knew level of angst because like

hear me out, i want Jeremy to be Paris just because of the Jerejean™,, but in reality,, the boy is H*ctor. Honorable and Loyal to a Fault, and best of the best right after Kevin.

which also means that Riko is actually Menelaus, and Ichirou is Agamemnon. and that makes a lot of sense because honestly the tension between them and Kevin with everyone going “no, IM the Most Important, fuck you” is 100% there.

Back to the boys though,,

like here’s Kayleigh Day, a simple sea nymph whose only desire is to protect her son and also make sure he is remembered and worshiped forever,,, and young Kevin is so on board,,,,

meanwhile

Aaron gets in some Trouble for killing a man who dared to lay a hand on his twin brother, and Tilda is overly happy about getting rid of him for the crime, so she sells him to a king who is known for adopting outcast orphan boys for his army. Aaron never hears from/sees his mother or brother again, but ,,, he meets the stupidest boy he has ever encountered in his LIFE. the kid is an absolute IDIOT, but he is half a god and destined for greatness and everyone dotes on him. 

Aaron doesnt care.

Kevin does.

Why is Aaron ignoring him?? Why doesn’t Aaron fawn over him like the other boys do? why won’t Aaron pay attention? it’s frustrating but intriguing.

The second time Aaron gets in trouble with royalty, the king wants to know why Aaron isn’t training and sparring with the other boys. He doesnt care about anything anymore, that’s why.

But he still knows pain and fear, so he does the only thing he knows how to do when a superior is angry: he finds a small/dark place and he hides.

Of Course someone finds him, and OF COURSE it’s that talented brat.

Kevin drags him to the king because its the right thing to do, but instead of leaving him for the wolves, Kev is like “I choose him. as my brother-in-arms. i want him by my side at all times” and obviously the king is like “why” because look at this fucking tiny pale stick-boy,,, he’s not even 5 feet tall yet,,, will he ever even get over 5 feet?? (spoiler, the answer is no)

and Aaron is also like “????” and Kevin just smiles for the king and then gives Aaron this look that says “try to ignore me now, you piece of shit” :))

So these 2 spend some quality time together and for a long time it’s basically just like that one part in SoA where Achilles is training and Pat goes I stepped forward. ‘’fight me.’’

There’s so much bickering and whatnot and, just like in SoA, they don’t even truly realize they’re falling for each other until the Big Bad Ocean Mom comes and tells Aaron to fuck off and then sends Kevin away to train with the horse dad, Wymack, to keep him safe.

Aaron follows him and Kevin is like “I knew you would come :)” and Aaron is like “shut the hell your mouth” and they finish their journey together.

and they fall in L

they fall in Love on that mountain.

just two bois dicking around and experiencing foolishly strong emotions where no one can stop them.

But Then Aaron’s past that he conveniently forgot to mention catches up with him when men come to tell them that it is time to die to fight Troy. Kevin is an amazing warrior and it’s expected that he go to fight in the war, but Aaron can hear his own blood pounding, because he Remembers something that he hopes everyone else might’ve forgotten.

He’d made a promise to Jean of Sparta. not a promise. A blood oath, to go to war for the most beautiful boy in the world if something like this ever happened. and now it was happening.

Kayleigh warns him that if Kevin goes to fight the trojans, he’ll die, but she cant elaborate anymore, aside from telling them that Jeremy will die first.

Who can kill Jeremy, though? N o   o n e. Kevin is the only swordsman good enough to best him, and why would he kill the devout trojan prince? he’s an honorable man. an admirable man,,, in fact, Kevin has heard so much about him, and he adores the prince,,

and What has Jeremy ever done to him?

Kayleigh tries one more time to save her son, spirits him away to an island at night,, weds him to a beautiful princess named Thea, they promise her a child and in return she disguises him as one of her lady dancers whom she calls her “ravens”

Aaron finds him though, recognizes him, because he would know those green eyes a n y w h e r e.

Thea invites Aaron to stay, too, says that the three of them could work something out. The two agree cautiously and they start to get comfortable, incorporating Thea into this thing that used to be just them 

But eventually men come and find them,,, find Aaron,, and they’re dragged off to Troy to fight with Riko and Ichirou,, one man determined to bring back his caged lover and one determined to seize the city.

It’s exciting at first, in that “we could die any second” sort of way. everything happening all at once, arrows and spears flying, swords clanging, and fire on the beach.

but Aaron watches from day one as Kevin loses himself. the way comes back to camp the very first day of battle covered in blood and sweat and grinning like he just won the world.

Something about it twists Aaron’s stomach, but he pushes it down because there’s only room right now to be glad that his love is alive and that they’ve successfully arrived and that maybe there is hope and the war will end with both of them on the other side of it, going home.

The night after that first battle, Aaron sees a trojan girl being handed off as a spoil of war, probably to Ichirou or Riko, and demands that Kevin take her as his prize. Kevin is high off the fighting still and doesn’t really question this.

The girl’s name is Katelyn and she’s eternally grateful to Aaron, but even warier than he is of Kevin’s lust for battle and glory.

Anyway.

time passes. years. Aaron and Katelyn save as many of the captured girls as they can, and they make a family and they get close, and one day Katelyn admits that she loves Aaron.

he’s shook.

But he’s not as shook over her feelings for him as he is over her justifications for why they should be together and forget Kevin.

“He’s a monster,” she tells him. “He’s not a person anymore. He doesn’t love you, he can’t, because he doesn’t know how to love.”

and that can’t be true, but it is, isn’t it?

he only knows how to fight and kill. he only feels the need for glory, and nothing else, doesn’t he?

When did it become like this? When did Aaron lose Kevin? a few months back? years? the day they arrived at Troy? earlier?

had he ever even really had Kevin? he’d never had him to himself, at least, had he? It was always Aaron and Glory. Kevin was born to be remembered, and they both knew it. and Kevin wanted it more than anything, didn’t he?

did he want glory more than he wanted Aaron?

but it’s like Kevin is reading his mind,, every time Aaron has these thoughts, Kevin is there, on top of him, kissing him, holding him, touching him with these burning hands that leave Aaron wanting more, more, more.

he’s driving Aaron crazy and Aaron is fine with it because they have each other and they’ll be back home together one day and that’s all that matters.

and then Riko pisses Kevin off,

and the gods see this story and how it ends, and some laugh at the tragedy of it, and some hurt for the poor souls involved.

Kevin won’t let his men fight anymore, and the Trojans are taking ground back and hope is lost, but Riko and Ichirou won’t swallow their pride, and neither will Kevin.

Aaron begs. “These are our friends,” he says, “if the trojans just see you, they’ll retreat”

“You’re letting them die,” he tells Kevin from down on his knees, “you could save them. please.”

his lover’s tears are enough to snap Kevin out of his rage, but not enough to make him fight. 

“You dont have to,” Aaron bargains, “let me ride out in your armor.”

[asksansweredpdf]

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? i feel like it was teenage rebel - chameleon circuit hahaha

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? well, i often do tarot spreads for this. but i guess i would ask - you know. i’m not sure

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? literally just surviving it all

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? maybe a few work ones, or the time not long ago i was put in a group assignment for uni. we all decided to meet up after our group presentation for drinks and hang out and i had a really fun time making new friends and hanging out with people

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? oh man i would have WAY less anxiety about everything. knowing that nothing i do will matter in a year would be so freeing and liberating. i’d probably get a new job and actually get my motorbike license and go for rides 

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? i don’t have a bucket list but i’ll try to think of 3 things i’d like to do before i die -

this has been in my drafts for days and i honestly can’t think of a thing. 

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? nope

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? honestly i can’t remember. oh! i think maybe 6 months ago i got high and started over thinking and got sad and started crying. my roommate walked past because i forgot i had the door open and hugged me and then left after a bit

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. ideally, it’d be a close friend. but i dont have those. so maybe if i could go back in time and stargaze with an old friend. otherwise, my current friend hj is cool! actually, i’d love to get high and stargaze with him.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? i have before. but no, i wouldn’t now. i’m not like that anymore

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? it was 4 months ago, with my old best friend’s ex-boyfriend (i think they broke up? i dont talk to either of them anymore). i used to be close to him anyway, like we were also best friends. and we used to be roommates.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? i’d love to look my mother in the eyes and say “i’ll never forgive you” but. it doesn’t feel right as much as i mean it. i guess i’d like to say it to both my parents. but i have to pick one person. .... i guess i would get my old best friend who i havent spoken to in 6 years and say “i’m sorry. i missed you for years. i’ll always love you” or something equally dramatic

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? i have them and i love them. they’re so beautiful

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. i’m picking a few because fuck the police “being human is a condition that requires a little anaesthesia” was from the bohrap movie. relatable mood. reminds me of my mother which makes me uncomfortable “fall down 7 times, stand up 8. higher, further, faster” from captain marvel. i’ve been through soooo much fucking shit in my life. and i feel like it just keeps coming (well. the shit keeps coming and it don’t stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming) and sometimes i wonder what the point of it all is. like what’s the point of trying to be happy when i’m just going to be let down again. and so it’s encouraging to change perspective from that to, we get up higher, further, faster

“my skin has gone from porcelain, to ivory, to steel” - sansa stark  it ties in with the captain marvel one. in that shit just keeps happening. and i feel the same way. i used to be so free and naive and i’m not that person anymore. i guess it makes me feel less alone. 

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? “

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? buy a house for myself, buy a few investment properties so that i know i’m always secure financially. put a couple million in the bank. buy houses for my friends and family, donate the rest

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? yes and yes. i feel like i’m really understanding, and so i forgive people when it’s understandable. but once it’s past a certain point, i’m not at all forgiving. i hold grudges too. i like being this way

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. “hey kid. happy birthday! well, this is where things start to get really hard. you’re going to go through a lot even though you think you won’t. people are going to leave you and treat you despicably and betray you. almost everyone you love will completely screw you over. you will have no one to count on except yourself. i’m not saying this to scare you. but i want you to know that even when you feel like it’s too much to handle, you’re so much stronger than you’ll even realise. you have so much turmoil ahead of you, but i love you so much. you’ll come out the other end with anxiety and so scarred. but you’ll survive it. all of it. you’ll survive. there’s no lesson or greater purpose. i’m not going to tell you that it all happens for a reason, because it doesn’t. just trust that you have what’s in you to face anything. once day this will all feel like a bad dream and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. best of luck. ps there is no god”

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? punk

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. love them both. they’re hot and cool

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? nah, i only wear make up to work. and that’s because i work in sales. part of getting people to like you is being attractive. make up makes you more attractive. when people like you, you have more influence over them and you make more sales

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. runaway by pink. that song just. what a mood. and family portrait. i relate to both of those songs so much. even when i was going through shit, i had that song that i could sing and even though things were never okay, they made it bearable

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. be kind to each other?

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. 1st was a pink concert i went to when i was 15! we were super poor so this was a major deal. i waited in line for ages and my back started hurting real bad. but as soon as she got on stage everything went away. it was electrifying and she performed my favourite song. and i had eyeliner on which i cried off because she was my idol and it was amazing. her dancers were also super hot and i re-affirmed my bisexuality because i was like. wow. yes 2nd was lana & borns. my sister made me go with her to see lana del rey who i dont really give a shit about. she’s cool but im not like a major fan. borns however, i adore with every fibre of my being. borns was the opening act which was cute. i was one of the only ones in the crowd who knew him and everyone behind me was like gasping and talking about how cute he is. which also re-affirmed my sexuality. up until that point i thought that maybe i was a lesbian because i didn’t tend to find men too attractive. but borns? nope, i knew i was bi. then lana came on. it was okay. i knew a fair amount of the songs and apparently pissed everyone off by singing? i just thought that’s what you did at concerts dsjgdslkr but i had fun.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? i would love to get a letter from an old best friend of mine saying sorry & that we should catch up. i feel like i havent had a friendship as full of connection as the one we’ve had. it’s been years and i still dont have anyone that could possibly replace her. but i worry that if we ever did try to re-kindle things it just wouldnt work out. which would lead me to ask myself if there was ever going to be anyone else who i’ll have that connection with. but it’d be nice at least

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? i don’t have a desk! i had one for about 3 months and it was organised. i was always too poor to afford a desk and it just wasnt a priority when i used my bed

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? go upstairs, lay in bed, read .... words, stay up until my eyes are closing for me. sleep

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? my parents opinion literally means nothing to me. i wouldn’t care what they do/don’t know. i guess id prefer if they didnt know about the drugs because my mum did them a lot and it led to her being abusive. so they’d be suuuper judgy and probably take them off me and shit. but once im moved out, i dont really care. they wont be able to do much about it

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? i’d love to have a shaved thing. my hair’s already short. but my dad’s homophobic and doesnt want me to get it short. i dont give enough of a shit about it to argue with him so i leave it. but if i could, having a cool shaved thing would be nice

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? i dont think i even have 5 friends, and if i do, we certainly don’t have fun together. i’d just go by myself. i’m lots of fun to be around when it’s just me

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. i wish for a job that has stable income, consistent hours, a kind staff, and is something that i’m not constantly fucking up. - i wish for this because i feel like getting up every day to do something that doesn’t give me panic attacks (that i might even be able to enjoy) is such a dream. and if it gives a stable amount of money and hours, i’d be able to plan things and have a life instead of worrying about them calling me at literally any given moment and asking me to work. which means i’d either have to work or stammer out an excuse on the spot & have the managers be mad at me i wish for a living space that i can afford & is either by myself or with people who aren’t terrible. or with people who can’t fuck me over if they get mad at me. this would step 2 of being happy for me. having a job that doesn’t make me anxious = job that could make me happy. living space that is secure and mine and that no one can take away = reduction of anxiety and security = potentially being happy.  i guess i’d use the 3rd wish on having a car or motorbike. being able to get around without relying on anyone or public transport would be nice. i can go to places whenever it suits me and i’d be independent. i can just decide to go to an art gallery without it having to be a major planning thing or something that would take 2 hours to get to and from. it’d be very liberating 

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. omg! last halloween. i borrowed an old friend’s witch costume. it was this cute corseted dress with a mini skirt & suspenders that attach to stockings. i bought a matching wand and witches hat. i looked super cute

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? i havent done terrible things under the influence hey. i mostly just have fun and keep to myself.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? i dunno man. one million dollars is a lot of money. surely any of my usual morals would fly out the window. murder would become questionable. like it’s $1 million. i guess maybe not murder because if i went to jail then i wouldnt be able to spend the $1m. mass murder of like children and innocent people i probably wouldnt do. even if i got away with it

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? 1 song would be maybe americans - janelle monae. it’s a tune and you can listen to it for any mood really 1 person? i’ve purposefully gotten rid of any person i would want to only see for the rest of my life. not in a murder way, i just cut ties with them

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. many a time. it’s a really nice thing! not just romantically. but for me, i just suddenly can’t stop thinking about them. like every spare second i have i’m wondering what they’re doing, thinking about our inside jokes, planning what i’ll say next, wondering what to wear to impress them next, planning how i’m going to work this funny story i want to tell them, etc. and i won’t be able to stop smiling whenever they’re around. the worst giveaway for me is when i can feel myself excessively talking to other people about them. and i can’t stop.  it gives me something to think about that makes me happy. something that makes me happy to distract from usually the shitter things.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? i am a girl and i have really really short hair. i rock it. i also rock black nail polish

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? i hate coffee. so i usually order a white hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows. i’d trust anyone to order it for me. as long as they didn’t screw up and get me the white chocolate mocha, which has happened a few times 

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? alcohol. music! probbaly music before alcohol. i love music. cigarettes. and my phone

[someonesaidtrytoblog-blog]

Someone said try to blog.

Okay, So every once in a while I think about making an attempt at explaining a little bit of how my mind works. Obviously this could be a book. And I will see how much I can type, or how I feel about doing so. But lets just start somewhere around my lack of social skills, but lack there of. So, an overview. Basically two main killers on my lack of social skills. The first, I dont care for small talk or fake people. I will not judge you until you do something that violates even the smallest of my morals. So I would say possibly critical there. Blame the Virgo sun sign, and the Virgo in mercury, Virgos ruling planet, the planet of thought. Back to the topic. Thats the first reason. The second, I do not trust anyone with my complete feelings. I will be as honest as the most honest, combined with my natural tone of voice, unfortunatly results in the reaction of a snowflake commonly. Now, lets actually start with the second one since its on the mind. I have been in thought for a long while but have determined that the main root of me not trusting people with my feelings in life is that I have always felt like my feelings never really mattered. Now repetetivly, I was temporarily blinded and have been fooled that my feelings did matter but then shortly after that, I am reminded at how they really dont matter. In my opinion, to have someone invalidate your feelings, is something that can not be recovered from. The moment someone makes me feel like my opinion does not hold matter equal to their own my first thought is that if this person, thinks something so simple as opinion, is so important it must be displayed or even felt in any manner , that theirs is superior is not someone I shall share personal feelings with. This has happened over and over again. The wall of china has been built and breached. But the breached areas are being repaired. On a side note, if this just stays here forever. I do appreciate and apologize to the people who have reached out and I have not held up to the my end of the bargain. I have tried not to complain because some people have reached out. But for some reason the bond we have is not necessarily a deeper connection like the only one I currently pursue. That has nothing to do with how I feel about the friendship we have. We just vibe a different way. Back to the first one. Small talk and fake people. Let me explain a frustration with relations. I wont approach a woman, never know when you may catch them at the wrong time. I will say good morning on the way home from work , when I stop at the gas station, on my morning routine. To any person eye contact is made. But thats about it. If I get a second opportunity and can think of a line on just one main thing. I have to be able to relate something from tone or emotion of a room to an object or happening, to something intelligent or factual that I posses in my mind. Which I fill with the most random of facts. But anyway. Even when I get the opportunity, to just be loved. Which is all I wish for really. I will need to be attracted to you. As well as be able to relate in common morals. I will also need to be able to live up to your sexual desires. If you can not do that, I believe that in this world , you need to let that woman go. In a world with so many people if she is not being sexually satisfied to be honest, if shes not being honest with herself eventually she will be and if she can not fight her natural desires then it wont end well. What I mean bro is if your girl wants you to tie her up and spank her and pull her hair a little bit because the small amount of pain, and change in position, bring to her more pleasure. Get the fuck on , boy. Again anyway, I like to ramble a bit. Some people enjoy my opinions. And I dont really tell them to anyone. All this shall remain anonymous, But I will put a signature. Reason for it is, I already have enough haters and its easier to ignore them if they dont know who you are. Again though I do respect your opiniom on whatever it may be, doesnt mean my actions may seem so sometimes. I can agree. Again, even through the repeated grammar mistakes. Which I just dont care enough to sit and debate it if its not natural, resulting in run on sentences. Even my ramble should tell you a little about my brain. And maybe even the excitement to finally get some of these things out. So If I do post this I hope someone enjoys it. Remember this could have several chapters. So in question was the statement from the first paragraph, " But lets just start somewhere around my lack of social skills, but lack there of. " Note lack there of. And let me go on about this for a minute. So, the thing is when I do get the chance to carry conversation, I am very good at it. For anyone I want to vibe with anyway. I am passionate about certain things in life. From things I enjoy that keep my attention, all the way to the way children should be raised, these are important things to vibe on for me. Battles not wished to be fought down the road, or any other basic moral, Are actually conversations she wants from friends. Honestly straight on a side note, if you have a belief you value as a moral I will always respect that you hold that belief. I say this because you should have been cyritical about forming an opinion you find moral. If you have not then  as open you were to the belief you have, is as open you should be to others. But become critical and make sure you question everything with a logical amount of cause. A start to being open minded. Obviously they believe something for a reason. If you cant prove it , or prove it false, even if in found not logical. When lacking disrespect, there is no need to start any. Back to my original attempt at explanation, the lack of the lack of social skills. Once opportunity for more than a 30 second period pops up and I see any kindness in your eyes, our conversation will begin and end with knowledge. Honestly, women say they love my conversation. But they usually go, see second paragraph for feelings on that. The problem I seem to have, and this is my opinion; When a woman enjoys an intelligent conversation, then each time it occurs in the first few encounters the farther and farther in the friendzone you will finish. Even if you are being intimate with her. In this day and age its unfortunste the small amount of women who seem to exist that actually are attracted to a man who they think they are attracted to. Its like they all have just a piece of what they preach they want from a man. You can literally put in all you got, be as sweet and respectful, as well as satisfying to her, make a decent living, and she will say she loves you. But a rare woman these days doesnt give the good men a chance. Because they are the ones that dont want to risk talking to you, in fear they may only cause more burden on your day, because you seem in a rush, we rather just not bother you with our possibly annoying presense. We just wish everyone a decent day. But back to what I was saying, not enough women want a man who is strong, sensitive and as rough as they require. They would rather suffer mentally, and silently about certain things. Some which end up of matter. Which is unfortunate in most cases. Literally my mentality is this if you show continued interest in our conversation, and end in loving who I am and what I believe in. I will do everything in my power to make you happy. Im so down. Just the fact that you love and support me will make me fall for you. But at the first sign of you being un interested in me, by my own standards which are not out of reason, I am out emotionally. Im dipping, to many excuses, you shouldnt have any if you are pursuing that type of conversation. When intent is clear. In example. I send you a text three mornings in a row saying, "good morning" . And you dont respond. I throw one goodnight in those three good mornings somewhere. So four attempts total over atleast three days. And no Response. Do not text me three weeks later talking about how you had a good time and would like to go out again. This was days previous to our first date and we were talking steady all the way up until the date which actually did go well, but anyway. I know you just want some free food and a laugh. Oh and probably some drama free intelligent conversation, all while stuck in her phone anyway. But not for romantic pursuals, Dont forget,  As mentioned previously with what to me seems like the most attractive approach to a good conversation, an intelligent yet entertaining but real conversation about life in all aspects. Actually gets you further into the endzone being the friendzone. And if you done caught feelings, make sure you take proper to rid yourself of them, and when she asks for advice that you cant beleive she has the audacity to ask, either answer in patience or not at all. If you cant handle helping her not be with you, dont try to continue being her friend.Because of her friends she may ask for solutions to get over you, even if not directly. If you end up friendzoned and you move  on. Your best bet is at the first sign of jealousy commited. If you can handle being her friend who knows what may happen in time. She may grow to be attracted to your ability to carry intelligent and meaningful conversation. And the tables will turn. If she does not, then she is already your friend. And you are already okay with that. So go on. Again, caught rambling. I hope someone reads all this. Its long. I Have never read, or typed something so long, honest, and personal. All while completly fucking the grammar. Eventually you will find a woman who loves you even when you are an ass and you should love that woman anyway she needs, because if she didnt love you at some point she would be gone. And if you have even the smallest belief that she loves you, then do what you must to hang on to her. For love is prescious and should be more occuring in its natural state and not on a temporary pallet. Real love is understand that you will not quit on someone who has not quit on you. Percieve quit as you will. To each their own. So like I said I ramble alot here. My apologies. Hope someone enjoyed it.