#it doesn't need to Save Your Life for u to want to feel happier & better & more at home in ur skin!

[possibilistfanfiction]

post top surgery bea was so !!!. so many feelings, just like when you first wrote about it a few months back. would love to read more if you’re ever feeling inspired. maybe ava observing her feel even more at home in her body?

[idk how many ppl love this headcanon but it's rly lovely? to me at least lol. so a little gentle mama s & bea pov for u]

//

you've gotten better at caring for your children in different ways as the years have gone on — fostering passions, listening carefully, allowing them to expand into who they were meant to be, within and beyond the order. you've fought a holy war with so many of them — some you have lost forever; some have come back, in one way or another. love, god's love, the highest form of grace, is full of grief and sorrow, and you know that better than most.

but — 'you're sure you've got it?'

you fight back the urge to sigh because ava's eyes are big and earnest and you're reminded of when they were nineteen, and terrified, and so so brave. 'yes, ava. we'll be fine in the brief amount of time you're gone.'

ava nods, more to reassure herself than you;.she's just going to get groceries — a task you had bullied her into, mostly to get her out of the house for a brief moment — and beatrice has mostly slept on and off this past week. it's a joyful time, so deeply, but you know also that seeing beatrice in pain, even for the best reason, is hard for ava. perhaps, you admit, hard for all of you.

but beatrice smiles when ava kisses her forehead, pausing the season of some reality tv show she and lilith appear to be quite invested in that, reluctantly, you have watched enough of at this point to follow along with something slightly more than disinterest. she smiles still when you sit down next to her on their big couch in their sundrenched living room, and you feel peace settle in your soul the way you really only do when you see your children happy.

'okay,' ava says from the door leading to the garage, 'text me if anything happens.'

beatrice rolls her eyes, the soft smile still on her face. 'just make sure to get the proper chocolate.'

'that was one time.'

beatrice laughs. 'bye, ava.'

'love you.'

'i love you too,' beatrice says, then turns to you when ava closes the door softly.

'you are feeling okay, right? i've known you for too long for you to lie to me.'

beatrice touches your wrist gently, in some kind of thanks. 'i'm feeling good. sore, but they took my drains out yesterday so i finally got to shower.'

'well i came at the perfect time, then.'

beatrice huffs a laugh. she shifts a little, sitting up more, and there are freckles all along her shoulders, muscles toned and visible without a shirt on, a blanket over her legs. 'i — uh, i have to let my skin breathe for a few minutes, is it —' her brow furrows — 'is it okay?'

you have known her for so long, seen and still do see so much of yourself in her, and so you understand. 'of course it's okay, beatrice.'

she nods, just once, and then reaches to undo the tight surgical binder. you had read all about top surgery diligently after she had told you — with a nervousness in her voice that had made you ache — that she had a date scheduled for her procedure, even asked one of jillian's surgeon friends to explain the details. you know the expect the bandages over her regrafted nipples, the stretch of the new scars across her chest. there's old scars along her abdomen, but these are different: these are imbued with joy, and care, and a becoming that is so quietly holy you feel blessed to witness it. the deep breath she takes in, the way her shoulders relax and she smiles when she looks down at her chest — it is all you have ever wanted for any of your children.

she looks over at you, a little shaky, a little unsure, and so you offer her what you know she needs, after so many years. 'these were the results you were hoping for, yes?'

she swallows, but it's still impossible for her smile to fully slip. 'beyond what i had hoped for, honestly. it's hard — it was hard to imagine, just how much better i would feel.'

'i'm quite happy for you.'

her smile grows — less shy, more certain — but then her brow furrows in a way you recognize by now that means she's been sitting on something for a while. 'are you — are you ever disappointed?' she pauses, then clarifies quietly, 'in me?'

when beatrice was recruited to the order years and years ago, you recognized quickly that she would be more than fit to run it in your stead. she always had been: brilliant, organized, kinder than you could ever hope for. generous. forgiving. devout. she hasn't changed at all, only grown brighter in her faithfulness.

'i am so proud of you, beatrice. profoundly.'

beatrice sniffles, and you turn toward her fully.

'you have been a beacon for god's love the entire time you have known you, through a great deal of pain. i'm proud of you for finally starting to give that love to yourself.'

as you expected, she does start to cry; it's not uncommon even though she still tries to pretend it's a rare occurrence.

'i'm deeply sorry if i have ever made you to feel that way, especially after you renounced your vows.' you worked with her to bring ava back; you won a war; you walked her down the aisle. 'i am in awe of who you have become, beyond what i ever could have hoped for you.' you look pointedly to her chest, flat and tender and, in the ways you have learned matter most, beautiful.

she wipes tears and then huffs a laugh. 'you haven't,' she says, 'made me feel like that. not since i was brand new at the order and couldn't properly shoot a pistol, at least.'

you laugh fondly, remembering how horrible a shot she had first been, too tightly wound to breathe through the kick properly.

'i've just been in my head, a little. it happens when i'm high.'

you raise a brow, just for fun, and she seems to realize what she's said, blanching.

'not that i've ever been high, ever, other than, you know, pain medicine after surgery or injuries. not once, not one single time.'

'it's still a sin to lie. you know that, right?'

beatrice eventually laughs, happily. 'ava's not particularly subtle, is he?'

'neither is the smell of weed.'

she laughs even harder.

'i wasn't always a nun.'

she calms, quiets. 'thank you, for being a really wonderful mother.'

it fills your chest unlike anything else — ava and their halo; mary and lilith finding their way back home; your new girls getting to train in peace — and you squeeze her hand. 'thank you for being a really wonderful daughter.'

she nods, another layer of peace settling against her skin. when it comes time, a few minutes later, for her to have to put her surgical binder back on, you help with gentle hands.

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ THE BIG FIRE ❜

Headcanon.

with Angel Reyes.

Request: Hi In the serie they talk about Big fucking fire ( I Guess is the one where Dita was ) But would u write something about Mayans girlfriend ( no matter which one- except EZ i don't like him ) lost everything in fire. So our boy propose her to move with him ? 💕

BY ANON

Word count: about 900.

Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!

Gif credits: to the author.

Masterlist. You can subscribe to my broadcast list, to be notified whenever I post a writing!

You have lost everything. With your scared buddy against your chest, you're feeling impotent as you watch the fire consuming your house. There's no water enough to save it.

Your dog jumps to the floor, running with her tail hidden between her hind feet to the motorcycles coming closer. She doesn't lose time, pouncing into Angel's arms, walking towards you.

The whole crew is there, trying to help somehow. But the only things you kept with you, when you noticed the smoke flooding your house, was your laptop, your cash savings and your bag with personal stuff, like your wallet and your car keys. Fortunately, the Mustang was at Romeros and Bros since last Monday.

They take you to the clubhouse, in the meanwhile the firemen turn off the flames. You will have to come back tomorrow to make a study of the damage.

You can't stop crying, hugging Niebla tightly. She was the only thing that really mattered to you in the moment you found the fire coming into your garage.

“I brought you something fo' dinner”.

Angel comes into the room, carrying a cardboard bag with a delicious smell of cheese springing free from the inside. Leaving it on the nightstand, and taking the advantage of Niebla sniffing the bag, he holds you between his arms. Kissing your head, you feel somewhat better. Just a little. You know that your insurance company will pay you every single thing you ask for, because it wasn't your fault, but your neighbors barbecue. When will they do it? Who knows it.

“Bishop said you can stay here as long as you need it”.

“I will… try to find something to rent. I don't wanna bother anyone”.

“Do you think… you bother us? Babe, we're happy for having you this close. It's amazing. And I can see you the whole time”. He says a little excited, pulling himself away to look for your eyes.

“Yeah, bu—”.

“Yeah, but, I told Prez that I had a better idea”.

Cleaning your tears, you frown slightly confused.

“You know… I know you're suffering, it's normal, but… what if destiny was telling you that it's time to live together?”

You weren't expecting it, licking your lips feeling nervous. Does he really want it, or is he just asking you to make you feel better?

“There's nothing in my life that could make me happier than waking up with your everyday. Come back home after a long day and watch you dance around our house, wearing my shirts”.

These words make you smile, almost in tears again. This time because of the happiness he's talking about you.

“Please, mi dulce. I know it's a big step… We just have been together for seven months, but it's like I've known you ever since”.

You don't need anything else, nodding in silence before his joyful lips finds yours.

The next day, he's the one who accompanies you to your house, or what is left after the fire. It's funny how yours can barely remain on its foundations, while your neighbor's didn't suffer any kind of damage. Angel can feel your rage, your sadness, running through your veins when you're allowed to come into your home.

The smell is disgusting, and there are some leaks that you have to dodge. Everything around you is carbonized. Pictures, furniture, books, the walls… There's nothing you can take with you. Angel intertwines his fingers with yours, raising your hand to place a kiss on the back of it. Looking at him, you just pucker your lips down on a sad gesture. Kissing your forehead this time, your boyfriend urges you to get out of there.

You have been at his house thousand times, but now it is different. You had to go to buy some clothes and basic things to get installed.

“I have to come back to the club, but I will be back asap'”.

“Okay…” You mumble, seeing how happy Niebla looks lying over the sofa.

“If you… want to change anything… just do it. This is your house now, and I want to feel you comfortable”.

But you don't. You like Angel's house exactly as it is.

In fact, you go to the supermarket to buy food to make dinner. Angel deserves it, and you know how much he loves your recipes.

Rice with fried banana and mango.

Latin music floods the kitchen, as you finish the dinner to serve it on the table already set up. You're wearing nothing but one of Angel's shirts, moving your hips and your feet at the rhythm of the melody, when your dog starts to bark and move her tail. She's the first one receiving Angel. By the look on his face, he hadn't remembered that she was also there. And he loves her.

“Hey, what's up, baby girl?” His voice sounds excited, squatting to Niebla so he can pet her. “Who is a good girl, ah? Fucking course, you're the best girl ever”.

But as soon as he sees you waiting for some love too, he catches you between his arms. Sinking his face into your neck, Angel has a deep breath.

“Welcome home, mi amor”.

“Yeah… Now it really feels like home, mi dulce”.

[untitled59001]

It's been a while, 1st year not having work, I mean I've enjoyed it, long naps, no fear of a Monday, no worries about work just lots of sleep and had time to find myself and do things I've always wanted to do, well it happened, kind of. Made a company which was my dream and doing it with a close friend, 6-8 months ago it was amazing, imagine this new company working on a website so many thoughts about where we would go and make a better life for our self's with but now it's December again, business partner is useless just like most people in this world, doesn't help I mean I thought u picked a good one but I'm definitely regretting it. I mean what had he done... Wait for the list.... Created our name, nothing else its me me me doing this as usual no one got what It takes so 50/50 on ditching the idea wasting my own money and time into this unless I get full ownership of the company then tbh fuck it, fuck it all Ill go back to living a min-Fri job that I don't enjoy and looking forward to a holiday every now and then and growing up to be 50 like everyone else, 50 and wasted my fucking life doing what everyone else does. Thought I used this year well but I really haven't, crested a company, website and sold some football boots I mean how great it was spent.... Thinking ditch the business and try sell stuff online it's easier and just extra money to spend on shit. And it comes back to why this has anything to do with where I am now.. Well because I fell like shit I mean not shit or sad I mean it doesn't get lower than this, this is the same getting signed off for work, no feeling no emotion just empty, it doesn't get worse I could no lie stare at a wall and my brain wouldn't even flinch just nothing, emptyness void hmm.... BTW its Christmas, forcefully buying gifts for the family for the sake of it, all bullshit no thought no nothing, here have this jumper wow amazing thankyou I love it(ohh fuck off) it's a jumper that got given to me to give to you how excellent of you. Why am I grinchy at Christmas, because its the norm, I hate the norm, 9-5 job, save, house kids like(normal) and I don't want normal I want extraordinary different better the best. I want to fly away from everything everyone now I don't miss anyone let me travel for the rest of my life, because then was the happiest, makes me sadder thinking of the actual time I said and thought I'm happy, I want that feeling the feeling of goodness warmth inside the feeling of a true smile that doesn't revert back to a plain face of emptyness. Maybe in 6 months time this all changes and I'm happy but at the moment it's not that, need to stay positive, calm and I guess be myself. All this is a few things mels gran parent, I put on a nice guy when I want him dead, like seriously couldn't make me happier right now and the quicker he goes it's one less knife in my heart. Feeling like my years wasted, why do I feel like I'm doing the best in everything but yet arnt? Think the best, talk the best try the best but yet miles behind people? I don't know what I want at the moment but if it brings joy I'll have that first please. Want to chat to Laura if I'm honest just gets in nuturally and listens and I'm not afraid to explain sometimes you need someone different in your life a few times a year like a reset button snaps you out of normal I guess all I wish for now is to be home alone and cry in a shower just need some expression of this feeling. I don't know what's next maybe Christmas might help but I don't want to have to smile for everyone when inside theres no smiles left just anger sadness and the feeling of well nothing, a wall of anger I want to break everything I see if I imagine breaking it, it makes me want to do it just. Meh that's it helps not easy to find but i guess I got to help myself first...........................................................................................

[pokefanbri]

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge