#it as urgent. and u know what actually im also gonna go knock on their door and tell them to pick it up.' 🤦‍♂️

[agayconcept]

hi hello i woke up to an emaillllllllll

guess it sent thru their automatic system bc i got it way outside of business hours which is why i'd stopped checking and didnt see it till today

point is APPARENTLY

IT WORKED. THE NEW DR IS GONNA GHOST-RUN MY HRT THRU THE CRAP DR UNTIL THE NEW YEAR WHEN I CAN TRANSFER MY TREATMENT TO HER OFFICE INSTEAD

it listed the next 3 dates n times they could fit me in (bc its literally a 15-20 min appt max so its nbd *angrily side eyes them for lying and telling me no slots would be available for weeks*) and ONE IS ON MONDAY. THIS MONDAY. 48 HOURS FROM NOW.

it says i have to call as soon as they open monday to claim a slot and if by then it's not available anymore then i'll have to pick a different one but i am gonna be the FIRST mf-ing person on that fuckin phone queue u bet ur ass

cause oh my god. first of all ???? YES, I AM, HOPEFULLY MOST LIKELY GETTING MY FULL HRT STARTED THIS WEEK. 🎉

second of all??? IT WOULD BE SO FUCKING COOL / FUNNY / ON BRAND IF MY OFFICIAL HRT START DATE/ANNIVERSARY WAS ON HALLOWEEN. THAT WOULD BE JUST. SO GOOD LMAO

idk so there's the update y'all. i should hopefully be starting treatment this week thanks to this new doctor's persistence and support. i'm very relieved, esp knowing its just for a few appts until the new year when i can switch over. fuck yes.

(for the inevitable question: no this doesnt erase the legal issues and report being done on my drs office. that will be ongoing. theyre also still witholding other things i need and denying me other services. BUT this?? this they cannae ignore any longer bc now multiple other drs, offices, legal reps and outreach workers have kept their phones ringing off the hook. wouldnt be surprised if the reason theyre giving in now is just to stop me & my backup from annoying the absolute shit out of them tbh. ah well idc why as long as it happens.)

anyway. time for happy dance? yes? lets make it seasonally appropriate

[shewrites24742]

It's The End 😪

We make up, but I know we fistfight through our phones my left hook, a no show. Cause I'll just keep letting you in. But baby the truth is I make your excuses you let me down and Im used to it. You got me right in the palm of your hand and you know it. Boy, it's what you do so let me drown, I'll be there with the band, hit the sea bed. All I'd see it's you. So give me your worst excuses any reason to stay give me your lips the taste of you, I'll kiss them again. I'd rather you walk all over me than walk away. Give me the worst of you cause I WANT YOU anyways.

So it's me here again being broken as always from the breakup. And for me, it's like "We're never going backward. We're always moving forwards. So we are never texting our ex. Ever under no circumstances. Block and leave it blocked." And life moves on for me. But sometimes it's not easy. So to move on in life I just started talking more with some people. Being with my school friends more having time with them. In that group, I felt a connection with a guy. He's so tall and handsome as hell, he's so bad and he does it so well. But he never talked with me in attitude so I liked him. I never thought that we will meet again in the group other friends told me he's a very bad guy, you must stay a million miles away from him. It scared me at first but I can't stay away from that guy and I know he can't too. We started meeting more sometimes not with the group. I saw him as a good person. And I know he is. After few months of meeting and being with each other more. I felt for him and I knew he felt for me the same. He called me to his home because his family went out. And yes I went there to meet him.

He lived near to our school so it's easy to find his home. When I ringed the bell of his home, he opened the door, he asked me for the water and I nodded. After that, we were on the couch watching movies I was next to him in his arms hugging. I felt warm in his arms and it feels so good. He looked at me and asked me something that I haven't expected. He said, " Are we going to watch movies just?" I asked him what else he wanted. He kept his fingers on my chin made me look up at him. And he kissed me. I was a little confused about what it is. But I kissed him back. I grabbed his head and pulled him down to me while kissing. After that, he kissed my neck so hard, I was about to moan louder. He made me sit on his lap which was a good gesture for me. His hands were on my back first then he holds my head kissed me deeper and then his hands slide from my back to my bums he grabbed them very tightly. He asked me " Can I touch your boobs?" I nodded. Then he started teasing me from touches his hands gone inside of my top he grabbed my boobs off. When he grabbed them he did it so hard and I moaned in his ears. He said to me in my ears 'how u feel it? Is it good? Should I do it harder?' I nodded and I moaned so hard and he came up to kiss me. He's pressing my boobs so harder than I thought like I was moaning in his mouth while kissing. Then he kissed my forehead then chicks he again asked me "Can I remove your top if u don't mind" I just nodded when he removes my top he kissed my neck again then he bites me on my neck I moan he came down kissing me from my neck to cleavage. He looked into my eyes saying, baby "Do want me to touch ur boobs?" I said yes. When he touched them I don't know what happened to me I grabbed him to kiss me but he wasn't kissing me back and I was like what happened to you kiss me, man, I want u to kiss me right now. And there he kissed me again he started playing with my boobs ejaculating pinching my nipples grabbing them harder. His fingers moving on my nipples slowly and slow and this makes me moan again in his mouth later he grabbed my neck again started giving me neck kisses and another hand was on my boobs he was teasing me very badly that made me horny as fuck. I removed his t-shirt. I grabbed his neck and gave him neck kisses I bite him there too he looked at me kissed me again on my lips then neck n slow down it on my boobs he kissed my boobs it felt kind of tickles he teased me with his tongue. His tongue was moving round round on my nipples then he took them inside of his mouth. And he sucked my boobs as he was sucking harder I was about to moan harder I thought my soul will come out. I scratch his back off we both got intense, sweating. I fell down on the couch and he's on me sucking my boobs. It felt like heaven for me but I pulled him up and there he asked "u want more? Should I do it again?" I said yes. Again he went down to kiss my other boob but he said me not to close my eyes and feel it more. It means he wants me to watch him do it. I just listen to him I watched him doing it again his tongue on my nipples flicker then round and round kisses and he sucked nipples again when he's doing it I might close my eyes but he pulled my neck and make me watch him sucking my tits. It's like Ahh do it more harder n harder. And here I moan again fuck he came again up to kiss me I was behaving like im drunk but he kisses like the thing that I want more n more again n again. Then he asked, "can I remove your pants?" I said to him, yes u can. When he removes my pants off I felt wet down there because I was when my pants were on his floor it was cold and when he came to kiss me again I was ready that time but someone knocks on the door.

I thought it will be his family but it's the other girl. Which he never told me ever? I just wore my clothes away and gone to the washroom. I saw her in the living room where we had closure before she came along. He's talking with her and I wanted to go home and he opened the door and I left being embarrassed. After few days our group planned to meet and they're the same girl who was with him. And while discussing something she asks in front of the group to him like it's that girl who was at your home and left when I came there and all the group members were looking at me like why is she gone at his home and for what? I didn't tell them what happened actually but then he spoke to them that she was helping me for making food and stuffs but they all get to know what really happened between us. And yeah it was heart breaking for me and I d even know who's that girl who said about me in the group which was ridiculous.

So what everyone got to know maybe so I left the group n started being alone as usual. He was texting me, saying sorry for what happened n that girl is none other than her cousin. He said that she has a kind of project so she came there n he forget that she's coming that day. I was like wow and she said in the group that I was with you at your home that day. I was like fuck me. But I didn't reply to him next I was staying away from everyone and being depressing about what happened with us was unexpected. My head started paining a lot after these things happen. I took some pills too but it wasn't working for me out.

In 2 months I notice many changes in me. My nose started bleeding too. My family got worried for me as well but I never let anyone of my friends knew that I'm suffering from this tho. And the solution to the problem we are not able to find out too. Some of my friends came to my home also to meet me but I was inside I told my family that no one is allowed to meet me. After few weeks I tested positive also for Cancer Disease. My family all freaked out because of it. They started taking care of me the most which I needed. All were going good but it's not working for me still my nose was bleeding and I wasn't able to recover soon also I have tough nights also. When I woke up my family went out for some work and I don't know why he came to meet me. He knocks on the door I was not ready to open it but I opened the door I let him in. And when he saw me in this condition he was in shock statement and didn't speak much that time. I get to knew that he's scare of me now after some time we were on my balcony talking just and there's the rain started falling I was running inside but he grabbed my hand out there. I was like I want to go inside of my room it's cold over here. And he said let it be just for one time with me, please.

So I said yes to him he hold my hands and pulled me close to him. We danced in the rain but then he grabbed my neck and pulled me up for a kiss. And he kissed me so hard we both were wet and picked me up and taken me to my room and he drops me down to my bed and yes he's on me kissing my lips and he removes his t-shirt and came up to kiss me. Damn his kisses he removes my clothes off too I just let him because I wanted it too. He again grabbed my neck n gave me neck kisses but this time it was very sensual like every kiss and every touch it was a good love. He grabbed my boobs n pressed them off and yes I moan louder but he came up to make me shut up with kisses. Then he removes my bra and tugs his fingers on my nipples and squeezing them up. I was moaning in his mouth. Then he looked at me n asked me this is what you want huh? I just said yes I want it. He sucked my titties off slowly slowly n this time I was looking at him the way he sucked them up. He asked me " Can I touch you down there?" I nodded to him. And finally, he touched me down there he fingered me slowly in the start then his finger started moving so fast and he was sucking my tits too. I thought my soul gonna come out now it was that amazing and satisfying. I was moaning so hard and when he came up to kiss me I felt something coming out from my nose. I was bleeding again and here some blood he got on his face we both ran to the bathroom he watched my face first I took my pills for that but it wasn't stopping I called my family urgently. And they were about to come home and I hugged him for the last time he said to me everything will be okay you will recover soon. And I made him go

My family came home they seen me bleeding so far and it's not stopping we gone to the hospital and my doctor said us to admit her immediately they gave me such injections that I fell dizzy and they were checking me out. After some time I slept also. When I woke up my family and all the doctors were around me they were all just being so sweet to me and I was like what happened to them why were they r all behaving like this for what. When some of my relatives came inside to meet me they all starts crying and then I thought is it's my last day or something or I just left very little time for myself. When my mom came inside to meet me I asked her what is going on im I going to die soon or something she didn't say anything she just fell into tears hugged me tightly n that makes me cry as well. I told her to bring my dairy she did what I said to her. I wrote for myself and for him too. Nothing lasts forever but my one condition is still u remember me being kissed, danced in the rain, say you see me again in your wildest dream. It's time that ill leave but I bet this memory follows you around. And it's the time that I have to leave u all guys but just remember the time we spent laughing together and loving as well. And I kept my dairy inside of my pillow n fallen to sleep. So ITS THE END of me.

[despairforme]

[Hey wanna come & watch a movie l8r][I'll order food 4 us][If u don't wanna come it's ok] Grimmjow was on his bed as he sent the texts. Unfortunately, he wasn't feeling too good physically. But, that could be from the withdrawals he was having. Cold, shaking, sweaty, and nauseous. He REALLY wanted to see his boyfriend though, so he sent a final text. [I miss u] Too bad he'd accidentally overdose a few hours prior to movie night. Unconscious on his bed, barely breathing, and a needle in his hand.

     ❝ Someone’s popular. ❞ His ‘ colleague ‘ commented as Nnoitra came down the stairs that led backstage to the locker room where the fighters would wait in between matches. Nnoitra assumed that the guy was talking about the good round of applause that he had just gotten. It hadn’t been anything special. The crowd was always eager to see him fight, and they let that be known through cheers and applause.

     ❝ Same as usual. ❞ Nnoitra replied somewhat flatly, rolling his shoulders in a vague shrug as he passed the guy. Next, he dropped himself down on the bench by his locker, pretending to stretch, like what he’d just gone through in the ring had been enough to cause him to need that. 

     ❝ Yeah, no, that’s not what I meant. Your phone kept receiving texts. ❞ The man pointed at Nnoitra’s locker, where his phone was. In the past, Nnoitra hadn’t used to bring his phone to work, since the only person who ever texted him was his manager. However, after he started dating Grimmjow, he brought it, in the hopes that he would receive a call or something like that. Sometimes, he would text Grimmjow too, even if it was late at night.

     Upon hearing that he had received multiple texts, there was no hiding the excitement that bubbled up in him, expressing itself on his face in the form of a grin. His colleague arched a brow. ❝ Nnoitra has a girlfriend! The apocalypse is near! ❞ The mocking words were said in a friendly enough tone so that Nnoitra didn’t feel the need to punch his teeth in ( and in any case, he didn’t have time for that, he had to check the messages! ). He quickly unlocked the little aluminium door, and fished out his phone from his hoodie.

     FOUR new messages! All from Grimmjow! Quickly, Nnoitra read through them.

     The messages gave him mixed feelings. First of all, he was happy that Grimmjow asked him to hang out. Second, he was thankful for the fact that he’d be getting food. And thirdly, he was confused about why Grimmjow would think that he didn’t want to hang out with him. The most important part was the forth and last part though - that he was missed. Just those three words of the last message made Nnoitra’s chest heat up, and he let out a breath. Texting back was surprisingly easy. Probably because, to Nnoitra, talking to Grimmjow came naturally, so why would texting be any different?

text to: grimmjow - 「?????」

text to: grimmjow - 「ofc i wanna come over」

text to: grimmjow - 「im @ work rn but imma c if i can gt off erly」

text to: grimmjow - 「miss u 2」

text to: grimmjow - 「imma b over in 2h ok?」

text to: grimmjow - 「miss u」

     When he read through the texts, he realized he’d said that he missed him twice. Oh well. He DID miss him! He could’ve added that he couldn’t wait to see him, but, that would be a bit too much, right? He could tell him face to face instead. Oh, and he was also going to tell him that he should stop being so insecure. Tch. Saying that it was okay if he didn’t want to come over. What kind of bullshit was that? Grimmjow really needed more confidence. It was Nnoitra’s job to give that to him, right? He had to make him understand that he ALWAYS wanted to be around him.

     Nnoitra nodded to himself. ALRIGHT, now he had a mission. He was going to tell Grimmjow exactly what was on his mind once they saw each other, in like - two hours. He had a feeling he’d be fucking kicking ass for the rest of the night! The quicker he finished his fights, the sooner he could see Grimmjow!

     About 1 hour and 45 minutes later, Nnoitra was strolling down the street, heading for Grimmjow’s little apartment. The night was a bit chilly, and Nnoitra made a mental note to dig out his coat from under the bed. That’s where he had put it, right? Mah, he could also buy a new one… He had the money now. He wasn’t some poor ass punk. He was, in fact, a pretty well-established adult now, wasn’t he? He had a job, a boyfriend, an apartment. He had traveled - wasn’t all of this on the ‘ adult check list ‘? Probably.

     The familiar sight of Grimmjow’s apartment ( and bar ) came into view, and Nnoitra picked up his pace. In less than a minute, he was over by the door. Bruised knuckles tapped not-so-lightly against the frame. In the stillness of the night, the sound was louder than Nnoitra had expected. Not a single noise came from inside the apartment. Had Grimmjow fallen asleep? It wasn’t that late! Or maybe it was for someone who worked normal hours? Nnoitra knocked again, just to be sure. He knew Grimmjow was a heavy sleeper, but hell, even he couldn’t sleep through that loud knocking sound, right? 

     ❝ Ey, Grimmjow? Ya in there? Ya sleepin’? What happened ‘ta missin’ me? ❞ A joke. Nnoitra realized he made it because the feeling that was slowly seeping through him was anxiety. An empty apartment gave him flashbacks to how his last relationship had ended. With him being abandoned. Was that happening AGAIN?! No, no, he was being stupid. There was no way Grimmjow would just leave like that. He was probably asleep, or maybe he had gone out to buy cigarettes, or maybe he’d gone to meet Nnoitra. Maybe they had passed each other. But the streets had been so empty…

     He decided to call Grimmjow, and ask him where he was. His phone was pulled up from his pocket, and he quickly found the other’s contact details, and pressed ‘ call ‘. A short moment passed, before he heard Grimmjow’s ringtone from behind the door. That idiot had gone out without bringing his phone? Just when they were going to meet up? Nnoitra tried to hold onto that theory, even if it was falling apart. What was he supposed to do now, just wait outside the door like an idiot? Should he go home? The door was probably locked—

     No, it wasn’t. With the door handle pressed down, Nnoitra could pull the door open, and look inside. The lighting in the room was dim. It was probably alright if he waited here. Grimmjow would be back soon. Nnoitra entered, and closed the door behind him. He would just chill in bed, that would be fine.

     OR NOT.

     Damn, Grimmjow really was a heavy sleeper! Because there he was, lying on the bed ( fully dressed for some reason ). Nnoitra walked over, with the intention of waking him up to jokingly ask him where the food was. But, as he approached, he realized that something was wrong. It looked like Grimmjow’s chest wasn’t even moving. Nnoitra knelt down for a better look, and that’s when he spotted the needle in the other’s hand. Despite never having seen a scene like this before ( in real life anyway ), Nnoitra quickly put together what had happened.

     ❝ Grimmjow! ❞ He grabbed his boyfriend’s shoulder, shaking it almost violently to try to wake him up. The attempt had no effect. ❝ Wake up! Wake ‘da fuck up! ❞ Again, nothing happened. SHIT! Shit, shit, fuck — WHAT WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO!? He didn’t know what kind of drugs Grimmjow had taken, and even if he had known, that wouldn’t have helped. Was he even breathing? His chest wasn’t moving! Or was it? A bit? Nnoitra leaned in over Grimmjow, to try and feel his breath against his ear. Thankfully, he was breathing! But only just. He needed help! Nnoitra was not the help he needed. He needed some professional help. At least Nnoitra wasn’t too useless to know that he had to dial 911.

     So that’s exactly what he did.

     The call itself was almost a blur to Nnoitra. His hand was shaking while he held his phone up to his ear, and his voice was a mess of cracks and stutters, while he explained to the woman at the other end of the line what had happened. He didn’t even know the address so he tried to explain where the location was. This wasted time. Nnoitra didn’t know how urgent this all was, or what could happen to Grimmjow. With his vacant hand, he was clenching his boyfriend’s shirt, scared that if he let go, it would ALL be over.

     ❝ ‘S gonna be okay. ❞ Was he saying it to Grimmjow, or to himself? The apartment was silent again, now that the phone call had ended. Nnoitra almost wanted to hold his breath to listen for sirens in the distance. He was still holding onto Grimmjow’s shirt, hard enough for his hand to turn even paler than usual. If something happened to Grimmjow—

     Something HAD already happened to him! How the fuck could Nnoitra not have known that he was taking drugs? There was a chance that this was his first time, but the chances of that were slim. It was much more likely that Nnoitra had been too dense to notice! Then there was that inevitable thought: What if Grimmjow had done it on purpose? What if he had actually tried to kill himself? It was all Nnoitra’s fault. If he had noticed that something was wrong… If he’d just asked about stuff! He should’ve made sure that he was alright! Not just assume that he was! God he was so fucking selfish! ❝ Please, just be okay. ❞ Now, he was talking to Grimmjow. ❝ Please, please…’Da only thing that matters ‘s that yer okay. ❞ This wasn’t the time for Nnoitra to be selfish, and make this about himself. Grimmjow was the ONLY thing that mattered.

     It felt like a fucking eternity before the unmistakable sound of an ambulance cut through the eerie silence that had fallen upon the room. The only thing that had been heard before this was Nnoitra’s shallow, shaking breathing. He had to let go of Grimmjow now, to go outside and make sure that the ambulance stopped in the right place so that Grimmjow could get help as soon as possible. Reluctantly, he freed the grip on the other’s shirt, and his fingers ached.

     Once outside the door, he waved and yelled to get the ambulance to stop. It actually did work, and a whole team of medical staff soon rushed into the building. Nnoitra just did his best to not be in the way. He knew he’d done all he could, even if he really wanted to continue being by Grimmjow’s side. One of the paramedics asked Nnoitra a few, quick questions, which he did his best to answer. The whole scene was so hectic and rushed, and Nnoitra had the strange feeling of being left behind. Like he wasn’t supposed to be here, or like this was all MEANT to happen without him. How was he supposed to know that he was simply in a state of shock?

     The paramedics were all very professional, but, at the same time, they were friendly, and one of them made sure that Nnoitra got a spot in the ambulance, so that he could come with his ‘ friend ‘ to the hospital. The sirens were loud even from inside the car. Nnoitra had never been in an ambulance before, but didn’t think much of it. The thought that was on his mind, no matter how selfish it was, was the question: Had Grimmjow done it on purpose?