#is your husband calling another woman cute suspect? even if you were related to them? CUZ I THINK I WOULD HATE IT MAYBE I'M JUST CRAZY

[hollyhomburg]

NO! YOU have not even been married even a YEAR you have no reason to be calling me cute over dm. I like your wife! stop!

[watching-pictures-move]

Put On Your Raincoats #21 | Double Chinn Double (Double) Feature (with Hyapatia Lee)

By the time the '80s rolled around, Bob Chinn, best known for his collaborations with John Holmes (the inspiration for Boogie Nights), had been directing movies for over a decade. For much of that time, he'd been making them for peanuts (in an interview with the Rialto Report, he recounts being once asked to make a movie for five thousand dollars, which was handed to him in fifties on the spot), but in the early '80s, he was directing for Harry Mohney's Caribbean Films, working with respectable budgets (by porn standards). Some of these films starred Hyapatia Lee, one of the most popular porn stars of the era and one of the first contract girls. Now, I suspect these aren't necessarily the defining works of Chinn's career, and I do intend to get to some of his movies with Holmes. But Vinegar Syndrome had a sale and there were two double features of their collaborations going for dirt cheap, and because I am weak and foolish with money, they ended up in my cart and a few weeks later in my grubby little paws. How did this happen? Through the magic of Canada Post, of course! Anyway, what I found was that these didn't represents any extremes of artistic ambition. They were neither seeking to elevate the genre, nor were they hackwork. Rather, they represent a happy medium, movies that seek to deliver the genre's goods in a polished, diverting package. Slick cinematography, courtesy of Jack Remy. Catchy theme songs that wouldn't sound out of place if you caught them on the radio. Flashy titles. Lee recounted the atmosphere on set as one of professionalism and engagement, where everyone present wanted to do as good a job as possible. Chinn claims to have been losing interest in his work at this point, but the results onscreen are the result of confident execution by somebody who had been doing this kind of thing for years and knew how to put the production's resources to good use.

The first one I watched was The Young Like it Hot, where the operators at a phone company worry about being replaced by computers. To keep their jobs, they scheme to go the extra mile in helping their callers. As this is a porno, most of this help is sexual in nature, as when Rosa Lee Kimball stays on the line while an obscene phone caller played by Bill Margold finishes. (In an interview on the DVD, Margold says after shooting his scene, he was invited to record additional dialogue. Being the method actor that he was, he insisted on whipping it out during the recording session despite the lack of cameras.) Sometimes they are informative, as when Bud Lee (real life husband of Hyapatia at the time) explains why the perineum is referred to as taint ("cuz it taint cunt and it taint ass"). But the highlight of their efforts are Shauna Grant's increasingly life threatening home improvement advice to one poor sap played by Joey Silvera. Hyapatia Lee is ostensibly the star, and has a certain charisma, playing the supervisor, but this is really an ensemble piece, and she's joined by more experienced actors like Kay Parker and Eric Edwards. The latter I've occasionally found bland elsewhere, but he has a nice obnoxious quality that serves him well as the villainous manager whose idea it is the automate the operators' jobs. The movie reflects a very real concern (that's very much still an issue in the modern workplace), but overall this is a breezy, affable comedy.

A bit more serious in tone is Sweet Young Foxes, a coming of age story whose dramatic parts are more sensitively realized than I expected. The screenplay was written by Deborah Sullivan, Bob Chinn's wife at the time, and this is a case where a movie definitely benefited from having been written by a woman, and it seems like an earnest effort to capture the anxieties and yearnings of its young women protagonists. Lee moves closer to a real starring role, and is joined by Cara Lott and Cindy Carver as her friends, who aren't quite as strong actors as her but do have decent chemistry. I can believe they're friends even if their line delivery can be stilted. (That the movie has a good ear for genuine sounding dialogue also helps.) Kay Parker is especially good as Lee's mother, hitting some of the same notes as Taboo, and has a credibly emotional masturbation scene in front of a mirror that did not leave me unmoved. (In what way? That's none of your damn business.) This was shot by Jack Remy, the same cinematographer who worked on The Young Like it Hot. That movie looked nice and slick, but this one is a little more stylish, with the solo sex scenes in particular resembling magazine centerfolds. There's also some nice new-wave-ish music that shows up on the soundtrack, which I certainly didn't mind. I do wish some of the sex scenes didn't run quite as long (the previous movie kept them refreshingly concise) as I'd prefer more of the runtime was dedicated to the dramatic elements, but what's there is still good.

Body Girls goes back firmly to comedy territory, where Hyapatia Lee and the members of her gym are trying to win a bodybuilding contest despite a rival gym's attempts to undermine them. This comes in the form of a pair of schlubs in yellow tank tops who break into the gym after hours to sabotage their equipment, only to be foiled by Hyapatia and her girls who just happened to be having sex in the locker room as people do. Of course, despite Lee's attempts to teach them a lesson (which depending on your proclivities, may have the opposite effect), they don't give up, and during the contest threaten the judge at gunpoint. Not one to take things lying down (okay, poor choice of words here), Lee finds a way to influence the judge back in her favour. (The judge is played by Francois Papillon, bringing a dopey charm to the character as he fumbles through his lines in his French accent.) Her method is pretty ridiculous and certainly in service of genre requirements, but I did laugh.

Now, there's probably a dilemma in audience sympathy here as both Lee and her rivals are cheating, but Lee's methods are more agreeable and directed at the judge instead of her rivals so I guess we ought to root for her. She's also buoyant, charismatic and has a real star quality, and is joined by such fan favourites as Shanna McCullough and Erica Boyer, all of whom sport wildly different hairstyles. As can be expected given the exercise theme, most of the ladies have toned, athletic bodies (and given the decade, voluminous coiffures), with the exception of Tigr, who brings a wiry punkish energy that stood out to me despite her limited screentime, and she also performs the miraculous feat of making a mullet look cute. (I'd previously been moved by her work in Kamikaze Hearts, the great mockumentary about a porn production and her relationship with Sharon Mitchell. She didn't stay in the industry for too long, but I'd be interested in seeing more of her work.) The screenplay was written by Lee with her husband Bud (who plays the judge's assistant with an agreeable presence that's neither too alpha nor too schlubby) and is full of exercise-related dialogue. Most of this is pretty clunky and calling it wordplay might be a bit generous ("sexercise" features at one point), but I did appreciate the effort. Also as is requisite for the premise, the longest set piece in the movie is an orgy in Lee's gym with the various participants snaked around different pieces of equipment. I must note that one of the male actors resembles Barry Gibb and that Francois Papillon is shown to wear a tiger-striped speedo. Did I enjoy the movie? Yes, but not for reasons cited in that sentence.

At the end of Body Girls, Bud Lee suggests to Hyapatia, "Let's get physical", which is the title of the next movie. (Body Girls also features a character looking at dirty magazine with stills from Sweet Young Foxes and ends with a plug for some of these other movies, anticipating the MCU's narrative and marketing strategies by a few decades.) Now, all of these movies have had decent theme songs, but the one in Let's Get Physical has lyrics that are plagiaristically close to those of Olivia Newton-John's 1983 hit. (The delivery however is more shrill but not unpleasing.) This movie is a drama where Lee plays a dance instructor trying to put together a ballet performance despite her strained relationship with her impotent husband played by Paul Thomas. (In the interview I listened to, Lee speaks well of almost everyone she worked with on these films, with the pointed exception of Paul Thomas. If there was bitterness behind the scenes, it arguably helps their performances.)

Lee wrote the screenplay for this one, and unlike Body Girls with its surface level references to bodybuilding and exercise, the dialogue here feels packed with knowledge of the real thing, which is understandable given Lee's real life interest in dance going back to her childhood. (I looked up "Luigi jazz dancing" after finishing the movie and was pleasantly surprised to learn it was a real thing.) This movie goes all in on her star power, and features a number of dance numbers that seem genuinely interested in the form rather than just leering at the performers. (There is one scene where the song Lee dances to sounds suspiciously like "Beat It".) I did appreciate that the sex scenes were kept relatively concise and tied into the dramatic aspects, although in some cases, the choices made could be goofy, like the scene where Lee makes love to her student Shanna McCullough while Thomas, in a dramatically justified but still awkward gesture, watches from another room and jacks off. (I assume he's playing the audience in this scene. Also, McCullough's character remarks "I've never done this before" when going down on Lee, and yeah, okay Shanna.) Other highlights include a car stunt that may or may not have been lifted from elsewhere but still looks decently executed, as well as a dream sequence where Thomas (or his character at least) plays the piano and sings a song. This is held back a bit by the genre's demands, like when it places a completely superfluous sex scene at the end after Lee's reconciliation with Thomas, but on the whole this is probably the best one of the lot.

[unfunny-quips]

Shouta had been sized up before. 

Many times during his life, in fact. As a student, as a hero, as a teacher. He’d always met the assessments with the same steady, unflinching gaze of his own. He knew his capabilities, and no amount of side eye or stare down would make him think twice.

That did not mean he was in any way prepared for Midoriya Inko. 

Nezdu’s assistant - soft spoken, unassuming, and sweet - had a way of making her scrutinizing gaze seem gentle as it swept over him. Her sharp eyes taking in every detail, weighing and measuring every fact she gathered. She always had a bright smile and a kind word, a gentle hand to guide when needed. And yet, somehow, she was one of the very, very few people Shouta had ever met that made him nervous.

It shouldn’t have been surprising, he supposed. For all the things he had faced down in his career, he had never faced true, unwavering evil the way she had. The green haired woman had been married to the single most dangerous man in Japan - very possibly the world - and had come out of the experience with her heart of gold intact. 

An impressive enough feat on its own merit. That she had managed to pull one over on that villain - gathering up her sons and a damning amount of information and sweeping them away to safety before All For One had even a chance to understand what was happening - that was terrifying. She’d stormed the police, stared down the Symbol of Peace himself, and forced the Hero Commision themselves to give her a deal placing her family in the highest amount of security available. 

Most terrifying of all, she had impressed Nezdu.

The woman was a force of nature and Shouta was smart enough to know he wouldn’t survive the storm if it’s ire was turned on him.

Midoriya herself, dressed disarmingly in a smart grey suit with a teal blouse, finally brought her gaze to meet his and offered him one of her cheerful grins. It was warm and soft, the kind of thing mothers gave he supposed, not that he had a terrible lot of familiarity with that. The gentleness of the smile did not make him forget the steel of her spine or how she could make that smile turn predatory when the need arose.

“Aizawa-San, it’s lovely to see you today!”  She greeted him, standing from her desk - immaculate and clearly organized to the height of perfection - and rounding it to greet him. 

He should have anticipated the crushing hug she’d pulled him into, but as always her unwavering cheerfulness had sent him off balance and she’d pressed her advantage before he could regain his senses. She did it with all the staff, with the exception of All Might and Nezdu. Aizawa suspected All Might’s great height - even in his skeletal form - prevented her from pulling him in for one of her crushing hugs. Nezdu, for his part, was a fellow apex predator and therefore exempt from such treatment.

He wished, not for the first time, that Zashi had come with him. He sometimes was able to hide behind the other man when Midoriya Inko started hugging. Sometimes. 

Then again, she’d sometimes just sweep the both of them up at once, and Zashi took it as an invitation for a group hug, trapping Shouta entirely.

“Midoriya-San.” He awkwardly greeted when she’d released him. She ignored his discomfort, and moved back towards her desk where a stack of papers waited.

“You’re just in time, I just finished compiling the pre-approved applications for the transfers. Oh!” She paused, turning away from her desk and darting through the door just off her office to the small kitchenette hidden there. He blinked after her, feeling bewildered, and watched as she moved to pull two bentos from the fridge. “I noticed your schedule today didn’t allow for lunch.” She told him, shoving one of the bentos into his hands. “So I thought we could enjoy a meal while we reviewed everything.”

He barely managed not to fumble the container as she dropped it in his hands, whisking off to sit at her desk before he could even think of refusing. He blinked after her, then turned to the bento. The fabric it had been tied into was a soft blue and printed with adorable chibi versions of Hizashi in fully hero gear. It was adorable and mildly terrifying to think she had noticed something in Shouta he thought he’d locked down and hidden away years ago.

“You didn’t have to, I have -” Any protest he might have made died the moment he glanced up and saw the sharp look in her eyes. She was still smiling, but there was a certain gleam of warning in her gaze as she looked at him.

“Protein pouches are not an appropriate substitute for a proper meal.” Midoriya said with the kind of finality that left no room for argument. Not that there would be any. Shouta certainly wasn’t going to be fool enough to pick a fight he knew he couldn’t win - more than once, at least. Especially not when she had that soft, warning expression pointed at him.

Instead he clamped his mouth shut and took the seat across from her, dutifully untying the knot in the colorful bento wrapping at her warning glance. Inside he found onigiri made to look like cats tucked in with a variety of protein rich, healthy foods and some apple slices cut to look like bunnies. 

It was adorable. 

How she managed to find time to make him something so elaborate and cute while balancing care for Izuku and Tenko, the running of the school and keeping up with Nezu while also being constantly vigilant for her villainous estranged husband was beyond him.

“Now there were a number of transfer requests made to get into 1-A” Midoriya began, glancing over the documents on her computer after she had ensured that Shouta was indeed eating the food she’d given him. “About two hundred total. Most of them were sifted out due to grades and overall performance which brought it down to sixty-two. From there we accounted for teacher evaluation to whittle it down to a more reasonable seventeen.”

She pulled up a list, tilting her screen to better show him the names and pictures of seventeen promising first years. Hitoshi, as expected, had made it through the initial two stages of the transfer process. Just two more stages to go.

“Interviews have been scheduled to speak to their classmates, friends and family. Nezdu suspects will have only seven or eight remaining afterward those have been conducted.” Midoriya explained, casting another warning glance at Shouta to ensure he was still eating the lunch she’d prepared for him. He dutifully began digging into a Tsukune. Satisfied, Inko unwrapped her own bento and allowed Shouta to review the short bios of the students as she ate her own lunch.

Each student he reviewed gave the impression of a serious hero course candidate. A class full of good students who hadn’t made the cut initially due to a system biased against their quirks. Nezdu expected nearly ten of them wouldn’t make the interview process, and Shouta didn’t doubt the principal’s estimate, he was rarely wrong about such things. Usually there were only three or four remaining after the interviews, it was an unusually adept group that year it seemed.

After the interviews would be the practicals, followed by the faculty review of those remaining. Despite his personal interest, Nezdu had permitted him to remain on the faculty board to judge the students, confident in Shouta’s ability to remain objective. 

“Oh, I nearly forgot,” Midorya said, breaking him from his thoughts. He watched as she set her lunch to the side and turned her attention to one of her desk drawers. “Izuku gave this to me to pass along to you. He was worried he wouldn’t have the chance otherwise with midterms coming up.” A plain file folder was held out to him, innocent looking.

Shouta squinted at it suspiciously. “He could have brought it in during my office hours.” He said, reaching for it anyway. He’d started calling Midoriya Izuku Problem Child in the first couple days of class, but in no way was the boy actually a troublemaker. Only over eager and overpowered with no sense of self protection. He was a good student, though, and a good kid from everything he’d seen and everything Hitoshi had told him. Not one he’d expect to use a go between for passing notes on to his teachers.

Midoirya Inko gave one of those knowing smiles that put Shouta’s hair on end. “I think he wanted to avoid taking any of your time that could go to other students for something that isn’t related to his own school work.”

Shouta blinked at that, then flipped the folder open and blinked again.

“Are these -?”

“Recommendation letters, yes.” Midoriya said, smile growing bright at Shouta’s bewildered expression. “Hitoshi-kun mentioned they’d help him during his application for the hero course so Izuku got some put together for him. I wrote one of my own, and All Might was similarly happy to make a recommendation based on what he’s seen of Hitoshi’s excellent character.”

[maribabyart]

Do you have any Demon Martha headcanons? How do you think her reunion with Mrs. Mayberry (The teacher who paid for her assassination) in hell would go?

 OK YES I HAVE HEADCANONS FOR THIS HERE WE GO --

MARTHA HEADCANONS <3

So, I’m gonna start with her before she died so I can fully get into why every part of her is the way she is as a demon.

Martha is light skinned Latina woman with family coming from Venezuela. Her mother has a much darker skin tone than her, but her father is far more light-skinned, where she gets her complexion from. While she was raised in America, her parents were immigrants. She was born at home, and she didn’t get a birth certificate until she was four, the year before she started schooling.

She has three older brothers. They were very rambunctious with Martha as a child, pulling pranks on her/with her, taking her hunting, etc.

She was raised out on a farm in the middle of a forested area in Kentucky. They raised cattle, sheep, chickens, and horses. Martha’s main job on the farm was to groom/ride horses and feed chickens.

She learned her sharp-shooter skills in a more intense version of something like 4H unique to her area. She was fantastic with a bow and arrow, and even better with her firearms.

Cannibalism was normalized in Martha’s life from a young age. She knew that it must be kept secret from the outside world, and that it wasn’t accepted. However, it wasn’t something she found to be horrid.

Her family -- and their close friends -- came from a long lineage of Satanic cultists that practiced cannibalism to purge any bit of, “soul” remaining in the corpses of their sacrifices. Due to this, Martha had evolved to be able to be immune to the ill side effects of cannibalism, along with the ability to not feel repulsed by the idea of eating human meat.

Her favorite part of the body growing up was the brain, and it still is to this day. She loves the frontal lobe slathered in spices and hot sauce.

She began her cultish killings at age fourteen, when she officially joined the cult of her family’s descent -- Compañerismo de la Fruta Prohibida (Fellowship of the Forbidden Fruit, a refrence to their following of Lucifer)

Martha didn’t love Raphael Peterson, or, “Ralphie”. She was married of to him at age sixteen, when she became a, “Woman” in the cult’s eyes. They were both meant to appear as an ideal couple so that people wouldn’t suspect them, as their parents before them have.

Ralph and Martha always saw each other as friends with benefits.

They moved to Dayton, Tennessee to start their family when they turned eighteen.

In Nashville, Martha started singing to music her husband played in Taverns. Think Dolly Parton style music. She sounded a lot like that.

Their first child was born when Martha was eighteen: Their daughter, Jolene Peterson. Two years later, they had their son, Beau Peterson.

Martha was always really involved with her kids’ school activities, and she was always volunteering to work events, and her kids were in every activity they could be.

She used her physical attractiveness to seduce and kill men.

While sex favorable, Martha is on the aspec -- greysexual (sexual pleasure is irrelevant to her, and she only engages in it to appease her partner generally. She only finds sexual attraction in people while in the act.) Because of this fact, Martha only has affairs for the sake of gaining trust to bring the men home so they can be killed and eaten.

When Martha was shot, the community villainized Mrs. Mayberry because the town darling, Martha Jane Nunez Robles-Peterson, would NEVER cheat, right? The situation was misread: Martha was just talking to Jarold Mayberry that night about t-ball-related things, right? He WAS the the little league captain for her 6-year-old-son’s league, wasn’t he?

Martha was gifted millions by the community, and people were insanely supportive of her. They wanted the sweet Martha they, “knew” to get better soon. They loved her so -- such a darling woman!

Her music became more well known, and soon, Martha was all over TV. Her big musical break came from when she auditioned for American Idol and made it. Her sob-story propelled her, and she eventually won.

Martha was a hero to everyone around her -- surviving a traumatic event that was uncalled for, while also being so damn chipper and kind.

Hell, did you guys see the background in one of those scenes?! Martha was canonly proclaimed a SAINT! People loved her that much.

She used the public trust to lure in more victims and never be suspected.

Martha was 28 when she died. Ralphie was 28 as well. Jolene was 10, and Beau was 8.

Ralphie managed to survive the explosion, albeit he was completely paralyzed, and the two children went to heaven. Ralphie repented during his last month alive, and confessed to his crimes. He was sent to heaven as well.

Martha and the children were declared to have died in a bear attack, as Compañerismo de la Fruta Prohibida covered up their true demise with ease.

People were heart broken -- Martha’s music was used in sad collages on Youtube, Tik Toks had Martha’s face in them for memorials.

No one ever realized her crimes.

Now! As a demon....

In hell, Martha picked up the alias Hero -- it’s what she was in life, right? I’ll be calling her Hero from now on.

Hero is both different and similar to how she was when she was alive. She’s still the got her kind-hearted, southern mama vibe going for her: She tends to be able to fit into any demonic crowd well, either by attractiveness or by sheer, overwhelming allure -- she’s a very magnetic personality.

As far as powers go, Hero’s are mostly related to firearms. She’s acquired these powers through deal making and soul dealing, as most demons do. Her charming aura very quickly lure people into thinking she’s naive or really just being honest with them.

Her nails can peel back to allow her to shoot from, “finger guns”. Each finger is a different gun, besides her middle and index fingers. They are both shotguns. Together, they make a double barrel shotgun.

When in full demonic form, Hero’s bandages become sentient. They peel away from her wound, revealing a minigun like weapon in the hole in her head. This can rapid fire while the bandages can grab onto things or hoist Hero up. She can make this last for five minutes -- ten at the longest -- before she gives out to sheer exhaustion and needs to eat demon meat to replenish herself.

Within her first week in hell, she was known to be powerful. Not quite an overlord, but powerful enough to hang around overlords. 

She hit overlord status three months later, during the terf war seen in Hazbin Hotel’s pilot: She took several areas of land, and was seen to have several lesser demons flocking to be on her good side.

Hero used her land to build up a bar and grill that serves strictly demon meat and blood, where demons can play music and dance. It’s like a fucked up country dinner. It’s an insanely popular addition to Cannibal Colony, where she lives.

The place is called La Cocina de la Calle Kuru (The Kuru Street Kitchen)

Hero REALLY wants to get her hands on exterminator tools, but she’s not really a fan of black market deals -- it’s too “trashy” for her.

Hero knows Alastor pretty well, as he’s came in for meat and to watch the music. They’ve had pretty decent conversations while she was on break, seeing as they were both influential  southern, cannibalistic serial killers. It’s a running gag between them where they jokingly talk about who was more iconic -- “I bet I took out more belles in a lifetime than you could in your entire afterlife!” “Well hon, at least I could eat the brains without gettin’ Kuru!”

She talks to Rosie a lot about business, and has met Niffty and Mimzy before. (Al hooked a bitch up with some friends lmao)

She REALLY likes Mimzy. She reminds her of Ralphie, and they became super fast friends. 

Vox and Hero have a confusing sort of friendship, as neither really wants to be seen with the other -- In his case, because she’s much lower on the overlord spectrum than him, and in her case, because she’s no stranger to Alastor and Vox’s hatred for one another. However, she often finds herself consoling Vox on sleepless nights after closing up the bar, trying to convince him that Valentino is NOT worth his time. Beyond that and him occasionally paying her back in tech at random hours of the morning, they don’t talk often.

Hero LOVES dancing! Like, a lot.

She’s seen Charlie’s ad for the Happy Hotel. Her and Mimzy watched it, and they both thought it was the stupidest damn thing they’d ever seen. However, Hero said she was happy Charlie got up there, because she was just, “Cute as a button, that lil’ sweatpea was!”

Hero’s best friends are Mimzy and an unnamed demon who specializes in black market, extermination tool selling (the one seen in in Addict -- Cherri Bomb’s former lover).

These two people, and these two people alone, can call her “Martha”

Hero cooks whenever she’s stressed. She also adores sewing and binging soap operas and reality shows on Voxflix.

Hero’s Instagram would be, “HeroicMelodies” in reference to her music career and name.

Hero gets hit on A LOT, and she despises it. She doesn’t need to seduce people anymore to get away with murder, and she doesn’t want to. She dresses the way she does because she LIKES that clothing. People can fuck off.

The reason Hero is white and pink is to show how innocent she looks. Her pitch-black eyes show her dark soul.

Hero sings in Spanish to herself when cleaning up.

Sometimes, Hero and Rosie spend holidays going around with ground demon meat to throw to the hell crows and other critters. They find it peaceful.

Hero, shockingly, holds no hatred for I.M.P., and commonly jokes about how the I.M.P.’s, “Did her a favor” by sending her somewhere she can actually be her. She has no idea who called for the hit, though. 

Hero finds Blitzo’s Instagram posts being poorly spelled to be, “Damn near precious”.

She thinks he’s a teenager, and probably would think it less adorable if she knew he was a grown man with a grown kid.

Hero doesn’t care about Mrs. Mayberry at all. Like, at all. She honestly assumes the woman is in heaven. She knew Mayberry wasn’t bad -- she probably wouldn’t care if she was in hell, though. Oh well. Sucks to suck, bitch.

Husk frequents La Cocina de la Calle Kuru to drink and engage in the gambling scene. Hero finds him trashy, but can’t say she hates him. She finds him funny as hell, and enjoys the business. Just not someone she’d personally hang out with.

[maverick-werewolf]

Werewolf Fact #55 - Arthur and Gorlagon, pt 1

This week, let’s take a look at a single story instead of a bigger overview of ideas and things. This time, I bring you a story from a 14th century manuscript - and it’s a King Arthur story, too!

There is a tradition you may or may not be aware of that folklorists often refer to as the “werewolf husband.” This is used to refer to a kind of story model that came around in the Middle Ages especially. Many of the stories I mentioned in brief in this post on werewolf knights (and how werewolves were often benevolent in the Middle Ages), but I’m going to get into more detail about one in particular here - King Arthur and King Gorlagon.

A fair warning before we get into this: as you may be aware, there were several medieval stories (though not all of them, despite what people like to think a lot) that are pretty down on women. This is one of those stories.

But the story contains a very fun werewolf, so let’s take a look at it! Since it’s very long, I’m going to be breaking it into two parts, one post for this week and one for (hopefully) next week.

I’ll be quoting from Frank A. Milne’s translation, which can be found here, but is also printed in Charlotte F. Otten’s A Lycanthropy Reader, one of my favorite werewolf folklore books.

Once upon a time, King Arthur was holding a banquet for Pentecost, a Christian holiday. Well, he was so happy he turned right around and kissed his Queen, Guinevere. She didn’t care much for that, because wow, that came out of pretty much nowhere. She asks him why he did that, so he butters her up telling her that she is the sweetest and most amazing thing. In response, she decides that he must know her heart. To which Arthur responds,

Arthur. I doubt not that your heart is well disposed towards me, and I certainly think that your affection is absolutely known to me.

The Queen. You are undoubtedly mistaken, Arthur, for you acknowledge that you have never yet fathomed either the nature or the heart of a woman.

Well, Arthur’s a little hurt at that insinuation, as you might imagine. So he swears up and down and all around that he won’t even eat until he learns the nature and heart of a woman. He sets off on a great journey to find the truth about all this, and he ends up visiting three different kings: Gargol, Torleil, and finally Gorlagon.

But in the courts of the first two kings, Gargol and Torleil, Arthur ends up getting talked into joining them for their banquets, which breaks his vow. So he scoots to the next king and then the next without learning anything at all.

Finally, he reaches Gorlagon, who continually beseeches Arthur to join him for his supper, but Arthur continually refuses, sometimes pretty comically. He keeps his butt firmly on his horse in the middle of a banquet, not eating anything, and keeps insisting that Gorlagon continue his story.

I’m pretty much fast forwarding through the other two kings because Arthur’s situations with them don’t relate to what I consider to be the meat of this story: the werewolf.

When Arthur arrives in the court of Gorlagon, Gorlagon convinces him to let his entourage stop and eat while he offers to tell Arthur a story instead of giving a direct answer...

So when they had seated themselves at table, King Gorlagon said, "Arthur, since you are so eager to hear this business, give ear, and keep in mind what I am about to tell you."

In this tale, we hear about an unnamed king who had a truly amazing garden full of all kinds of herbs, spices, fruits, etc. But he also had a sapling that was planted at the time of his birth, which was the exact same height as him, and to it his fate was tied:

it had been decreed by fate that whoever should cut it down, and striking his head with the slenderer part of it, should say, "Be a wolf and have the understanding of a wolf," he would at once become a wolf, and have the understanding of a wolf. And for this reason the King watched the sapling with great care and with great diligence, for he had no doubt that his safety depended upon it.

Well, the king, as you might imagine, was very concerned with the safety of this tree. He built a wall around it, he posted only his most trusted guards, and he didn’t let anyone but those closest to him anywhere near it. But, long story short, one day his queen and wife got interested in another guy and also observed him - the king - going into this garden so much. So she asked him - but unlike Bisclavret, he didn’t tell her. That made her mad, of course.

and improperly suspecting that he was in the habit of consorting with an adulteress in the garden, cried out, "I call all the gods of heaven to witness that I will never eat with you henceforth until you tell me the reason." And rising suddenly from the table she went to her bedchamber, cunningly feigning sickness, and lay in bed for three days without taking any food.

So she did that.

By the third day, the king gave up because he was worried she might let herself die. He tried to convince her to eat and told her that “the thing she wished to know was a secret which he would never dare to tell anyone.” She convinced him to tell her then, and she swore she’d keep the secret and not tell anyone.

Well, of course, you can imagine how that went.

The queen cut down the sapling while the king was away, hid it in her sleeve, and made to hug him but instead bapped him with it “struck him on the head with it once and again, crying, ‘Be a wolf, be a wolf’ - but she didn’t say the last part.

She said “have the understanding of a man.”

Instantly, the king turned into a wolf and fled, and she sent hounds after him. But the king still had his human mind (again: emphasis that werewolves always retain their human intelligence and that is part of what makes them terrifying).

At this point, our host, Gorlagon, insists...

Arthur, see, you have now learned in part the heart, the nature, and the ways of woman. Dismount now and eat, and afterwards I will relate at greater length what remains. For yours is a weighty question, and there are few who know how to answer it, and when I have told you all you will be but little the wiser.

As he will do time and again. And yes, he does seem very bitter that he married a crappy woman, doesn’t he? I suppose we can’t entirely blame him, but gee, way to pass judgment (he does apparently get over this, though, as he is married once more after this and also, uh, well - we’ll get to the other thing).

Arthur, though, is holding to his vow that he will take no food until he’s learned the truth. Arthur is apparently a good enough guy that he doesn’t take that to be the nature of a woman, so he insists that Gorlagon continue anyway.

So Gorlagon launches back into it: this king, now a wolf with the intelligence of a man - or, as we like to call them, a werewolf - is run out of his own kingdom with hounds on his heels. The queen, meanwhile, sets herself up with her lover and takes control of the kingdom.

So, over the course of two years, the werewolf king goes and finds himself a nice she-wolf and shacks up with her and has two cute adorable smooshy big-pawed fuzzy little wolf puppies with moist boopsnoots. No, I’m not kidding. The king goes and gets some she-wolf action and knocks her up. Kinky.

Now this werewolf decides that he wants revenge...

Now near that wood there was a fortress at which the Queen was very often wont to sojourn with the King. And so this human wolf, looking out for his opportunity, took his shewolf with her cubs one evening, and rushed unexpectedly into the town, and finding the two little boys of whom the aforesaid youth had become the father by his wife, playing by chance under the tower without anyone to guard them, he attacked and slew them, tearing them cruelly limb from limb.

It’s not so good.

After killing the illegitimate children of his cheating wife, the king of course gets himself and his wolf family in trouble for giving in to his rage and vengeance. But the wolves get away clean... this time.

The queen orders for careful watch to be taken for those wolves. But the king, consumed by anger and vengeance (sound familiar for a werewolf?), tries again. He kills some more people, “tearing out their bowels” (again: yes, werewolves are scary, not your cannon fodder) and getting away clean.

But, unfortunately, his pups were found in the woods and hanged. The poor, poor puppies.

And thus abruptly ends my sympathy for any humans in this story.

That, of course, makes the werewolf fly into a complete rage...

overwhelmed with very great grief for the loss of his cubs and maddened by the greatness of his sorrow, made nightly forays against the flocks and herds of that province, and attacked them with such great slaughter that all the inhabitants, placing in ambush a large pack of hounds, met together to hunt and catch him

The werewolf fled from country to country, ravaging everything, until he eventually “began to vent his rage with implacable fury, not only against the beasts but also against human beings.”

By the time he reached the third country, the king of that country - who was young and “of a mild disposition” - decided he would go and track the wolf himself with many huntsmen and hounds...

For so greatly was the wolf held in dread that no one dared to go to rest anywhere around, but everyone kept watch the whole night long against his inroads.

Exciting! Now instead of a super weird medieval story it’s become a classic terrifying werewolf tale!

And next time we’ll conclude the story (with more discussion, of course)! What will happen? Does the wolf get vengeance upon his wife who cursed him and the people who killed his poor sweet wolf puppies (I will never ever get over that he had puppies; I swear I will make a werewolf character have puppies and only find out about it later)? Will Arthur learn anything from this even though Gorlagon keeps telling him that he really won’t? Tune in next time and find out!

(If you like my werewolf blog, be sure to check out my other stuff! And consider supporting me on Patreon. Every little bit helps and helps me run this blog, and you get goodies and a chance to vote on the topic of the next werewolf fact!

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[melodiouswhite]

Kópakonan

(A/N: This one has an androgynous character in it, who uses male pronouns, but refers to himself as ‘hermaphrodite’. I would have used the term ‘intersexual’, but I wasn’t sure, whether it’s accurate. If there are inaccuracies, don’t hesitate to enlighten me in the comments, please. There also will be mention of rape, forced marriage, forced pregnancy, bullying and abuse, just a warning.)

Henry Jekyll tilted his head, as he read the passage:

“The Faeroese know the legend of the Kópakonan, the Seal Woman. The lore has it, that seals are the reborn spirits of humans, who drowned themselves in the sea. Once a year, on the twelfth night of the year, they are allowed to shed their seal skin and go onto land as humans to amuse themselves with song and dance. In the morning, they slip back into their seal skins and return to the sea.”

The article went on with an exemplary tale from one specific island:

A farmer heard of the lore and went to watch the seals that night, to see if it was true. He saw that it was and stole the skin of a beautiful seal lady. As he refused to give it back, despite her pleading, she had no choice than to follow him and become his wife. So she lived in that forced marriage with him and had several children with him. And because he was a douche, he kept the seal skin locked away and always carried the key around, so she couldn't get it back. But one day, he forgot the key at home and when he realised it and came back, the seal lady was already gone and back with her seal husband, because obviously she'd had a life, before some twat had abducted and force married her. But a few years later, the farmer and some of his friends decided to go seal hunting in a specific cave. Before the hunt, he had a dream, where his former wife appeared and warned him not to kill her seal husband and family. And of course, because he was an arsehole, he proceeded to kill them all and kept the bull seal's head and the flippers of the baby seals. The Kópakonan, rightfully enraged, cursed him and everybody else on the island to die a horrible death, until there were enough dead people to lock hands and form a chain around the island.

“… And to this day it is said, when someone dies by drowning or falling off a cliff, that the people of Kalsoy know that the Kópakonan's revenge is not yet complete.”

Henry clapped the book shut and shook his head.

He felt bad for the seal woman and her family.

Being a woman who had drowned herself had to be hard enough on its own. But then, just when she had found happiness with another seal, she had to be tormented by such terrible events! To be coerced into a relationship by some arsehole, who then proceeded to kill your loved ones! Baby seals no less! Innocent, cute little baby seals, who got brutally maimed out of spite, because her mother had dared to choose her actual family over the arsehole, who had forced her to marry him!

Sure, it was just a folk tale, but this was just too much!

He needed a walk. A good, old walk at the sea side, to catch some of that good, old sea breeze.

As he walked along the strand, he reflected on how different life here was from the city. He didn't regret moving to the small village in the highest north of Scotland. Sure, it wasn't as exciting as faraway London, but it was peaceful and quiet and the people were nice in their way. Besides, he was the only doctor around here. People relied on him and it felt good. Everyone knew each other here and he knew all of his patients. They got along. It felt … not lonely.

Of course there were some bitter memories. Memories that he never spoke of.

He sighed, sat on a rock and looked out to the sea. It was a windy day and the sea was wild here in the north.

It looked powerful. Wide. Free. Inviting.

It was eerie how inviting the ocean was. Perhaps it was nice … cold and untamed, endless room and freedom. It was so easy to relate to the people, who had chosen its watery embrace rather than a dry death at land …

But before he could spiral further into dark thoughts, he heard a moan. He looked around, but couldn't see anyone. Huh. With a shrug he turned his attention back to the sea.

Probably just the wind. It howled quite a bit here.

Maybe I should go back, he thought and stood up.

But then there was another moan, louder this time.

Alright, that was definitely not the wind.

“Hello? Is anyone out here?”, he shouted.

The response was a pained cry. It sounded like a boy's voice.

Henry followed it to a hidden, rocky bay. After a few minutes of search, he finally found the owner of the voice.

To his surprise, it was a brunette girl and she was completely naked, to his embarrassment.

She was clutching her ankle and groaning in pain.

So he gave himself a mental slap. Pull yourself together, Henry! You're a doctor and she needs help!

“Are you alright?”, he called out to her.

She jumped at the sound of his voice and quickly covered her chest, when she saw him.

“Don't worry, I mean you no harm!”, he assured her, while approaching cautiously.

But she didn't seem to buy it, just curled in on herself and scowled.

“Who are you?”, she snarled suspiciously. “How did you find this bay? Humans aren't supposed to find it!”

What the hell does she mean by that? Oh, never mind. I can ask her later.

“Don't be afraid, I'm a doctor”, he told her, “I heard you and wanted to help.”

“A doctor?” Her acid green eyes narrowed. “And you really just want to help?”

He frowned. “If you think what I suspect you're thinking, I promise your suspicions are unfounded. Just let me help you. Your ankle needs medical attention and you need to get somewhere warm.”

“I feel neither heat nor cold”, she replied indifferently. “But … do you really mean it?”

“I promise”, Henry responded earnestly, “I just want to help and do my duty as a doctor.”

It seemed to work, as she relaxed considerably and allowed him to come closer. When he had reached her, he cave her his coat to cover herself and provide some warmth.

Now he could finally focus on her ankle, which was obviously broken.

“Did you slip on the rocks?”, he asked, and added: “Where are your clothes? What were you doing out here at this time of the year anyway? It's January, the sea is just as freezing as the land!”

“It's not your concern!”, she snapped, “You wouldn't believe it anyway. And my clothing is over there.” She pointed to a nearby rock.

He went over to fetch it. But when he held it up, he gaped. “A seal skin?!”

“Yes!”, she snapped, “My skin! Give it back!”

His frown deepened. “I will. Once I have treated your ankle. It's broken and as long as that's the case, I'm afraid you have to stay with me.”

She began to howl with rage and tried to stand up. But since she couldn't stand, she fell back down and her angry howling became pained.

His heart hurt, when she attempted to hide away in his coat and began to sob.

“Now, now”, he spoke softly and patted her back. “I won't keep you longer than necessary, I promise.”

He picked her up bridal style and carried her off.

Once there, he went to get her some clothes. Sadly, since she was so tiny, he had nothing that fit her. So all he could do was hope that she wouldn't be too bothered by wearing oversized clothing.

“Alright, Miss. I'm afraid I have-”

“I'm not a Miss”, she cut him off. Then she spread her legs to reveal …

“Oh”, Henry breathed.

“What's the matter? Never seen a hermaphrodite before?”

“No. As a matter of fact I have not.”

“Whatever. But just for the record, my name is Edward Hyde, so it's 'Sir' and 'Mister' to you!”

The doctor frowned. “I don't see how you have earned the honorific 'Sir', Mr. Hyde”, he retorted coolly and handed him the clothes. “Now do get dressed. Just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I'm comfortable talking to naked people.”

Hyde huffed and put on the shirt and pullover. He hissed in pain, when the other put a plaster cast on his ankle and growled angrily, when being told that it would take at least a month to heal.

The rudeness frustrated Henry – he was just trying to help! – but when he saw the genuine distress in the other's eyes, he swallowed another cold remark.

“I have a vacant room, where you can sleep”, he offered gently.

“Whatever”, the brunette muttered. “Where is my skin?”

“It's right here”, Henry told him and picked it up. “I will hang it up in the hallway, where you can see it. However”, he added, when the brunette's face brightened up, “I will hang it onto the highest hook. Just to make sure you don't sneak away, before I can be sure that your ankle has healed properly.”

Both of them knew that there it would be out of Hyde's reach.

Which promptly made the young one burst into tears.

When Henry went to bed, he thought about the events of the day and about the small brunette, who was now sleeping in his guest room.

This was all very messed up.

And it was a real shame that the … boy was so resentful.

Henry had never met an androgynous person before and he was genuinely curious.

Unfortunately, he was also attracted.

He had seen the brunette naked and liked the sight more than he was comfortable with.

Hyde had feminine hips, a small waist and a feminine face, yet his body was strong. Then there were those perfect breasts that Henry struggled hard not to think about. His voice was husky and as androgynous as the rest of him. His hair was long, wavy and café noir brown, contrasting milk white skin.

Henry had never known that this was his type, until he had seen it. And it had been so hard to be professional and not stare at that perfect body like a total creep. No one liked to be leered at, especially not by someone whose help they needed! That was disgusting!

And it wasn't even the only thing. There was something unnatural about the brunette (and he did not mean his body, there was nothing unnatural about that!). He had so many questions!

But he also was resolved to stick to his promise and not keep him around for longer than necessary. Even though he really wanted to …

Henry groaned and buried his face in his pillow.

Those will be long, long weeks!

A part of him hoped, that his patient would continue acting like a brat, so it would be easier to part with him eventually.

Over the next weeks, Hyde's ankle healed just like it was supposed to.

But overall he wasn't faring well. Every day Henry caught him look out to the sea longingly, pining away and crying bitterly.

Henry felt horrible for him. But at the same time he didn't want him to leave just yet. He had so many questions to the small brunette.

Hyde didn't answer all of them, but some.

After some prying, he told him that he was a Selkie. Henry hadn't believed it at first, but Hyde had provided irrefutable points and he had to admit defeat.

After answering some questions about how it was being a seal, the brunette finally agreed to talk about himself. The brunette had become a seal after drowning himself, more than 400 years ago. At his birth he had been thought to be a normal girl and been named Máiri. But once it had become apparent that he wasn't a girl, they had … well, treated him the way unusual children had been treated in the late 16th century. At some point the abuse had become too much and he had flung himself off a cliff into the sea at the age of eighteen.

“I just couldn't take the beatings, insults and murder attempts anymore. I saw no point in living on and I thought that on the bottom of the sea no one would be able to hurt me.”

“That's terrible!”, Henry had asked in horror.

Hyde had smiled bitterly. “Not to them. To them I was terrible. Devil's child, changeling, spawn of Hell, Antichrist … I've heard it all.”

When Henry had informed him that he didn't regard him as anything of that sort, Hyde had rewarded him with the most beautiful smile.

And it had been so hard not to kiss those gorgeous lips.

He was happy in the sea, he said. And he was so adept in modern English, because he hung out with younger Selkies a lot. He still remember the old tongue, though. As proof, he proceeded to speak a few sentences in said tongue, but went back to modern English, when he saw Henry's confused expression. He was from here, but had come around a lot over the centuries. At some point he had decided, that he wanted to be Edward Hyde, rather than Máiri NicDhómhnaill.

When the blond asked him, if he knew that Faeroese folk tale he had read about, he nodded.

“To us Selkies it's a cautionary tale not to trust humans. I actually met her once. We bonded over the shit humans put us through. I'm surprised that you know the tale, though.”

Henry blushed. “I read about it in a folk tale book. Stop laughing!”, he snapped, when Hyde started to cackle.

The blond puffed his cheeks and pouted, making the brunette laugh even more.

“Do you …” Henry was afraid to ask this, because he was afraid of the answer. But he had to know. “… have a family?”

At hearing this question, Hyde immediately burst into tears.

“… I guess that's a yes.”

The brunette nodded and cried harder.

Henry handed him a paper tissue, comforted him and tried to ignore how his own heart was currently shattering into pieces.

Later that night, he was the one who cried.

Of course. How could he have been so self-centred as to hope, that this 400-year-old Selkie didn't have a life of his own?!

Fuck, I'm even more of an egotistical arsehole than I thought!

In the morning, when both were calm enough, Hyde told him a little about his family.

“I have a husband – the most wonderful man you could meet. We met about thirty years ago and bonded over being ostracised. Then we fell in love and married and that was okay, because the sea doesn't care about sexes.”

Hyde sighed dreamily. “He's the most handsome man in the world, he's intelligent, sensible, profound, a real sweetheart and we just have so much in common!”

Henry didn't want to hear it. But he didn't want to be a total dick, so he swallowed his bitterness and pretended to like what he heard.

“That's wonderful. I'm glad you finally found happiness. It's just sad that you had to wait for it so long.”

Well, at least that wasn't a lie.

The brunette's smile became bitter.

“Actually, I've had a family before. But that was 200 years ago. Then some bastard stole my skin and forced me to marry him and the rest was just like in the Faeroese folk tale. Minus the curse, of course. I just drove him into madness. My skin was stolen many times more during the last 400 years, but most of them let me go, when they saw that I'm a hermaphrodite. But some didn't care and proceeded to abduct, use and knock me up, like that's all I'm good for.”

Henry's heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

That explains his apprehension towards me. Damn, why is the world so cruel!

The Selkie continued: “I thought I would never be happy again, until I met him. He is all that matters to me and I want to spend the rest of my existence with him. I … I just love him so much!”

Henry's heart shattered into even smaller pieces.

“What I forgot to ask earlier”, he spoke up at dinner, “May I know the name of the lucky man whom you married?”

Hyde tilted his head and looked at him suspiciously. But then he seemed to decide, that it was safe.

“His name is Hastie Lanyon.”

Henry's eyes widened.

Suddenly images flashed before his eyes.

Images of an auburn-haired young man with mismatched eyes, one pale blue, the other amber. A boy with a radiant, sweet smile, who had once been his friend. Then he had drowned himself, just like Edward. He had jumped from the very same cliffs.

And now these two were …

“Speaking of names”, Hyde stated, pulling him out of his stupor, “You never told me yours, Doctor.”

He gulped. “My name is Henry Jekyll … Hastie … he was my best friend.”

Now it was Hyde's turn to stare. “Henry Jekyll”, he breathed, “No way!”

They spent the rest of the night sitting on Hyde's bed, talking about Lanyon.

Hyde said that he was fine and happier, where he was now. It wasn't hard to believe for Henry.

Turned out that the auburn-haired man had told Hyde quite a lot about him.

And the brunette seemed to be very interested in his side of the story.

The blond had so many fond memories of his dearest friend.

But there also were bad ones.

Like the fight they'd had shortly before Lanyon had committed suicide.

“I called him so many terrible things”, Henry confessed quietly. “And he killed himself just a few days later. I never got to apologise properly. And I never got to tell him …”

The lump in his throat prevented him from speaking any further.

Hyde was looking at him strangely, his bright green eyes knowing.

“You loved him.”

Henry nodded and turned away.

Hyde took his hand. “You blame yourself, don't you? Listen, Henry. He didn't kill himself, because of the things you said.”

Henry looked up. “He did not?”

The brunette shook his head. “No. He killed himself for other reasons. I'm in no position to tell you, why. Just know this: apart from that fight, he told me nothing but good about you. And …” A blush painted that milky face. “I'm pleasantly surprised to find that you fit his description.”

Henry blinked. “Really?

Hyde nodded. “For example, he said that you would never force someone to do something they don't want. Not to sound like a narcissist, but I know that you want me, Henry. I have seen it in your eyes. Don't think I haven't noticed, how you force yourself not to constantly stare at me. But somehow you manage not to. And you never touched me or even so much as flirted at me. I …” He blushed harder. “You're the first human to take my skin and treat me with basic decency. You could have done unspeakable things to me, like all the others before, but you chose to respect my boundaries instead. You always act professionally towards me. I'm really thankful for that.”

It wasn't long until the day came, that Henry evaluated the latest x-ray scans and found, that Hyde's ankle had healed perfectly. And the tiny brunette could walk just fine.

Knowing that he had to live up to his promise, he went into the hallway and took the seal coat off the hook.

It was so hard.

But he had kept him away from home more than long enough.

And he refused to be like the arsehole from the legend.

He found him sitting at the window, gazing out to the sea, as always.

“Edward?”

The brunette gasped, when the seal skin was placed into his hands.

Henry smiled gently. “I did promise to let you go, as soon as I could be sure that your ankle has healed properly, didn't I?”

Henry felt a little better, when he was allowed to accompany the Selkie back to the bay.

He looked away, when Hyde stripped out of the borrowed clothes. But then Hyde's throaty voice told him: “Turn around. I know you want to watch, when I leave.”

Henry braced himself and turned around.

He couldn't help but blush at how beautiful the Selkie was.

Hyde allowed him to look at his human form a last time, before taking his seal skin and slipping inside. In an instant, he began to morph and became a white seal with dark brown dots on his coat.

Henry gasped and stared in awe.

The seal looked at him with his black seal eyes, before crawling towards the sea and finally vanishing into the waves. A moment later, the seal resurfaced and this time he wasn't alone. A second seal with a red-brown coat was with him and they were leaping around each other, bellowing happily.

Henry knew, who it was and couldn't help but smile.

Lanyon had waited for his partner the entire time.

He saw the seals look towards him and waved.

They waved back with their flippers, before diving back into the ocean.

He looked onto the sea for a while, before picking up the left-behind clothes and going home.

Once there, he went to the kitchen and sank onto a chair.

It was better this way.

After a life full of suffering, Lanyon had finally found someone to love and who loved him back. It had only been right to let the love of his afterlife return to him.

Hyde and Lanyon deserved to live a happy and free life as seals. That was their life. That was where they belonged.

They were happy together. And he was happy for them.

So why was his heart broken?

Why was he feeling so hollow and so much lonelier than before?

Henry buried his face in his arms and sobbed.

It had been the right thing to do and he didn't regret it, but it hurt!

He awoke in the late evening.

When he sat up, his back was stiff. Damn, had he cried himself to sleep on the table?

With a groan he stood up. Time to follow his usual evening routine.

But when he wanted to leave the kitchen, there was a scratching at the window.

Weird.

Curious as to what it might be, he went to look.

He opened the window just in time to see a seagull fly away.

Strange.

Just as he wanted to close the window again, he noticed, that there was something lying on the window sill. When he took it inside into the light, he saw that it was a piece of wood.

But something was written on it in an antiquated handwriting:

“Come to the beach where you found me, next year, on the 12th night of January. For this is the only time when we can become human again. I will not take 'no' for an answer.

- E. Hyde.”

Henry stared at the message incredulously.

Then he smiled.

[gingerstorm101]

A Little Too Late Chapter 5

Summary: Years after the death of Ziva, a case comes up where Tony finds out that she’s keeping a secret from him.

FF

AOL

"Who names their kid David David?" O'Riley questions, glancing at the screen with the criminal's name on it. The morning sun shines through the window, setting a dull glare on the TV screen.

Tony’s heart lurches. “Do you think he’s related to Ziva?” Only because they have the same last name, the question comes up, but she was the only one of her family to move to the US. According to her, her family stayed in Israel.

“What would the chances be?” Sandra asks, her voice soft while talking about the departed agent.

McGee shift in his spot, glancing over at Tony. “Ziva doesn’t have any family left.” Tony glares at him, staring the man down until he speaks again. “Ok, besides Tali. But she told us her family has always lived in Israel. But see here, David was born here in DC, and so was his little sister. Parents moved here when they were kids with their families. So even if they were distantly related, they would have likely never met.”

"She never mentioned having family in the States," Tony adds, knowing the woman the best. Out of all the family she has mentioned, cousins weren't part of it. She had an aunt and uncle, but no mention of any cousins.

***

“Abby!” Tony calls from the doorway of the lab, an evidence bin in his hand, walking in to receive an ear blast of music. “Abby!” The woman pops her head out from behind the door to the middle room. Walking over to her, he hushes his tone. “Abs, we have 46 hours to show a judge our case in Sergeant Morgan’s murder.” The woman takes the bin from his hands, placing it on the table in the middle of the room.

"We got this Tony, we will put this murderer behind bars for killing our Marine," Abby reassures, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“I know, but this just makes little sense. We got the guy, but my gut is churning.”

"And we shall suppress the gut!" She vows, punching a fist to the air.

Tony nods to the woman, frowning at the sudden pain in his stomach.

One by one, Tony and Abby go over the evidence, pulling up the information on the screen and writing their notes on paper to go along with what they have. Before they knew it, hours go by and the words on the pages are getting blurry. Tony has been going through David David's social media pages, to see if he could find anything hinky, and yet nothing has shown up. Nothing tells him that the man was with anyone, or anywhere anyone could see him.

With 40 hours to go, he rubs his eyes. "All the evidence points to David." He sighs, grimacing when his stomach churned again.

“And all his social media is quiet, nothing tells us what he was doing at that time.”

Tony rolls his chair beside Abby. “And what did you say his cell phone was doing at the time of the murder?” He asks. “He says he was at home in bed. Nothing that tells us he has an alibi.”

Typing on her keyboard, she pulls up the phone records. A few more keystrokes, the green screen appears in front of him. “Off.”

“Off?”

Confirming, she repeats herself. “Off.”

Tony bites his lower lip and shifting in his seat. “The boy has nothing.”

Beside him, she frowns. He knows that Abby likes to put the criminals away, but she knows of the gut instinct more than anyone else. They both grew up on it with having Gibbs as a boss, she more so than himself. But if the evidence tells them that David was the murderer, then so it will be.

“We have the motive.” He says, straightening his back. “The Sergeant was sleeping with David’s little sister.” How weird would it have to be for someone to sleep with his best friend’s sister? They are pretty much family. That would be like Tony sleeping with McGee’s little sister, no matter how cute she was. Besides the fact that Sarah had a husband and kids now.

Abby turns to him, her pigtails bouncing off her face. "But is that really a warrant for murder?"

He smirks, giving his shoulder a little shrug. “Well Abs, that all depends on how young the sister was.”

***

It is coming along dinner time when Tony got back from the restaurant. He and Abby had agreed a few hours ago that she’ll gather more information while he went out and gather evidence at a new crime scene. A petty officer had been found dead on a Navy ship, Heroin and needles found on the bunk beside him. On the way back, he had picked up dinner for himself and the forensic scientist. Giving the woman a quick call, he summons her to the squad room after sending his team home for the night.

“What do you got Abs?” He smirks, shoveling a mouthful of food in.

She connects her tablet to the monitor, pulls up O’Riley’s chair and sets it beside Tony’s desk. She sits, lifts her feet up to his desk, she gets settled with the tablet in her lap and her food in her hand. Taking her first bite, she pulls up a Facebook page. “Melissa David, age 19, graduated from high school last year. And according to this, she is a working girl at the local grocery store. I checked her records, she just applied for university. But there is one thing that came up you should see.”

Strolling down the page, she lands on a picture post. He looks over at her, his jaw clenched before looking back at the screen. “Is that a pregnancy test?”

“It is.” Taking another bite, she clicks on the picture. “And it’s even dated the other day. The night before the murder.”

“Could this be the reason David murdered Morgan?”

***

Abby sent him home, or at least to the hotel, for a couple of hours of sleep while she stays in the lab to work on a simulation.

“But what about you?” He asks. “You need to get some sleep too.”

She refused to sleep, playing it off as if she got plenty of sleep during the day, even though she didn't. He was with her for most of the day.

With 25 hours to go before the court time, Tony walks into the lab with a Caf-Pow and a coffee, leaving his team to work the new case. “Okay Abs, what do you gotta show me?” Handing her the drink, he walks around to the larger screen on the wall.

“I have questions, Tony.”

The green men on the screen of different situations. She plays the first one: The man walks into the room and the other man shoots him straight on, then the screen zooms in showing that the bullet hits none of the key points inside the skull.

“This first one doesn’t work, David would have to hit from a lower angle, so I made this one.”

The little green men set up again, this time the second man in crouching down in the room, and as the first man walks into the room, the shot is fired.

"This one is close, but it doesn't hit the same point. So he must be in a similar position. But how would a trained marine not know someone has broken into his house?" She walks over to him, her drink in her hand. "And another thing."

“And what’s that Abs?”

“Why was Tali’s fingerprint in the house?”

***

Ten in the morning rolls around and with 22 hours to go before it is time for the trail, and Tony found himself in Vance’s office briefing him on the case. So far the entire evidence and motive points to David David, but Tony’s gut is still churning at the thought of putting the man behind bars.

Tony plays the simulation video that Abby had created the night before.

"I see what you mean. It makes little sense." His no-nonsense voice rings through the room. "You have something on your mind, DiNozzo. What is it?"

Tony bites his lower lip, worried that he is about to make a mistake. A bad call.

“I’m thinking David wasn’t the murderer.” God, was he making a mistake?

Vance leans forward in his seat, his fingers interlacing.

“Then who was it?”

***

He takes Sandra with him to the police station where they are holding David. Walking up to the front desk, he pulls out his badge, flashing it. “Special Agents DiNozzo and Johnson, we dropped off a murder suspect yesterday morning. We want to ask him some more questions.”

The woman behind the counter nods, standing up and leading them over to their own interrogation room. He sits in the chair across from where the suspects sits and waits. After about 10 minutes, David is brought into the room in an orange jumpsuit and chains.

Calmly, Tony starts the new round of interrogation. “Who else was in the room when Sergeant Morgan was killed?”

The man looks away. “I told you before, I didn’t do it.”

Beside him, Sandra places the folder down on the table and opens it. “We have your gun, and we have your motive. Now who else was in the room with you when Sergeant Morgan was killed?” She pushes, placing the pictures from the folder in front of the man.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He mutters, not looking down at the photo before him.

Tony snaps. “You’re little sister! Sergeant Morgan got her pregnant!”

“I would never kill the father of my sister’s baby. I may hate the man for getting her pregnant, but I would never kill him!” He hisses, glaring at the agents.

“Then who stole your gun?” Tony yells, slamming his hands on the desk.

“I don’t know!”

"Listen, David," Tony says, "We have everything against you. All evidence points towards you! If you don't give us this information, tomorrow you'll be in prison."

David is quiet, biting his own lip.

After a couple of minutes of silence, Sandra pipes in, asking a question. "Do you know a Ziva David?" Tony swallows, wondering why his agent would ask such a question when he himself already gave them an answer.

But the answer floored him. “You’re the second person to have asked me that.” He stares the man in the eye, looking to see if he is telling the truth or not. He is.

“Who else asked you, David?”

“A little girl, maybe 10?”

Tony pulls the folder of pictures towards him, ruffling through them before he finds the one he is looking for. He pulls out the picture of Tali from her passport and flips it around towards the young man. "Is this the little girl?"

David nods, glancing from the photo to Tony’s eyes. “Yes.”

“Tell me about her.”

David shifts in his seat. “What is there to tell, really? She showed up at my door one day, I thought she was lost.” He says. “I invited her in so we could call the police and she asked me out of the blue if I knew a Ziva David. Sure we have the same last name, but that’s about it. When I told her no, I turned around, and she was gone. Just like that. Do you know who this girl is?”

Tony nods, gathering up the photos. He gets to his feet, tapping the folder on the desk before he leaves the room.

From inside the room, he hears David call again. “Who is she?”

***

Walking back into the bullpen with Sandra, he barks orders to O’Riley. “Put a BOLO out for Tali David. Just say ‘missing’, we don’t want the people she’s with to think we want her for any other reason.” He turns to McGee. “It will be a long night of searching, get us some coffee. You know what we need. And maybe some dinner. Chinese?”

With that he takes his leave and heads to the elevator going down, he had something to do. The door dings open and he steps in, the doors close behind him and he waits without pressing a button. Suddenly he lifts his hand and slaps the back of his head. And with that he presses the B1 button; the elevator moves.

Walking into the lab, he calls to the forensic scientist who is sitting at her desk.

“What can I do for you?” She asks, bouncing over to him.

“Abby, I need you to change the shooter in that simulation you made last night.”

She gives him a double take, her mouth agape. "To whom?"

“Tali.”

[onceuponakdrama]

Tale of the Nine Tailed KDrama Review

—

—

Bingo Card for Tale of the Nine Tailed

Synopsis: The mythical nine-tailed fox, or gumiho, Lee Yeon had to settle in the city many centuries ago. Able to transform into human form, he eradicates supernatural beings that threaten the mortal world. His real aim is to find the reincarnation of his lost first love. The talented television producer Nam Ji Ah works in a show that features urban myths. In the past, her parents were involved in a mysterious car accident and disappeared, and she suspects that Lee Yeon might be connected with this accident. The half-brother to Lee Yeon is the captivating Lee Rang. Despite being half-human himself, he harbors a deep-seated contempt for all people. For sport, he will unleash his seductive prowess upon his human-du-jour, by promising to grant them their wishes, only to trick them into paying a hefty price for their earthly desires.

Overall Main Plot: Rating - 7 out of 10 

Okay, I think the main thing about the plot is that it’s interesting. I’m not sure how to describe it, but it’s definitely an interesting fantasy drama with a different type of plot-line. The main antagonist is the Imoogi, but having a piece of the enemy within Ji-Ah really changed the game because now, it’s about history repeating itself and Yeon not wanting to kill her a second time and it was actually interesting to see it progress. I also loved the relationship between the characters, both the past and the present, and seeing how they play out. Whether it’s Rang and Yuri or Rang and Yeon’s, it’s interesting to see how it all comes together in a bigger picture and, again, having “history repeat itself.” But that being said, it was also super cliche—which is expected of a kdrama, but with the fantasy element, it’s even somehow more cliche with how things played out (just take a look at the bingo card because it shows). There were also a couple of other things that bothered me, regarding the main plot... 

Lack of Emotional Bonding - maybe it was just me, but I was not super invested as to what was happening throughout the plot. It just felt like I had a feeling how things were gonna play out, especially when a part of the Imoogi showed itself in episode 2. About the climax of the plot (when Yeon and the Imoogi battled and died), I was a bit surprised at his choice, but I wasn’t outright sobbing. But also, because of how many dramas I’ve watched, my word shouldn’t be taken for it. 

The Talupia’s Role - this lady.... knows all. But tell me why... she didn’t do anything to help them until the end and then she ended up being turned into stone. I just thought her role was interesting because it didn’t really help the characters until the end to help Yeon kill the Imoogi. While I liked her character (a strong woman who makes her own decisions), her character in relation to the plot felt so loose, even though she had a lot of knowledge that should’ve been shared. I don’t know; there are mixed opinions about her. 

Characters: Rating - 8 out of 10 

↣ Lee Yeon [played by Lee Dongwook] - he really just ate mint chocolate chip ice cream all the time; I thought his character was really endearing, especially since he’s def the romantic type (considering he wanted for his love to be reincarnated for like 600 years). But there were a lot of actions that I thought did not match up with his character, like: the time he tried to push Ji-Ah away “for her safety” (yeah, because that always definitely will work better than communication..... anyways) or the time he told Rang he regretted saving him that definitely did not sound like a joke. Ugh, there were just minor inconsistencies with how he was supposed to be written as a character, but overall, I did like him and root for him considering how awful the antagonist is. However, there is a small note, which will be mentioned in the romance and additional notes section for later.... 

↣ Nam Ji-Ah [played by Jo Bo Ah] - I was annoyed with her character at first, but I realized that I really liked how she took matters into her own hands without fear. Her independence is something that shines throughout the drama: she can work independently, but knows when to ask for help and work with others. She’s also driven for her work as a PD about urban legends and really wanted to find her parents, as well as how it all worked together. My favorite moment of her is when she is in her “fear nightmare” (whatever it’s called) and she managed to get herself out on her own because she realized that it wasn’t right/real. While it may not seemed like she did much, you also have to remember this is a fantasy drama and she’s just the human and realistically speaking, what power do you have over a literal deity? I also want to add she did less as the drama went, but she still handled things well after they played out rather than be completely helpless, so I’ll give some props to the writers for that. 

↣ Lee Rang [played by Kim Bum] - okay, why is he the soft bad boy with a dark past that we’re all in love with? I think all the viewers can agree with me that Lee Rang is just... it. I believe it’s his comeback drama after five (ish) years and he did a fantastic job with this character. His character is probably the most complex in the drama, especially since he’s got abandonment issues and still wants to be loved. I think the only time I was close to tears was when they decided to kill him off to have Yeon return. I don’t know how to describe it, but he really stole the hearts of many with his heart of gold. He just has some issues he needed to resolve and we were all rooting for his redemption, only to be disappointed as he died off. 

↣ Imoogi (also called Terry?) [played by Lee Taeri] - this man is completely insane. I think the actor did a great job with this character because this character... is so unlikeable, but it’s understandable as to where he lies in the main plot. Oh my god, when he said Ji-Ah’s supposed to be his bride to make him feel loved, I was laughing because he said the most cliche shit to her and thought he could just... manipulate and threaten her to like him. Like, sir... if you want to be loved, maybe don’t try to approach her that way??? But also, he doesn’t know better—literally, he’s part snake or something and it adds up. He was annoying as a character, but he made a great antagonist. I just didn’t really like how he was used to drag things out further because he really did not have... any redeemable traits. 

Personal Notes: I think one thing about this drama regarding the characters is that they all fit together in the bigger picture. It’s clear how they work together and how they don’t, and it’s satisfying to see how they all play out as the plot was further developed. I really do wish there were more scenes of just the Lee brothers, especially since Rang was so deprived of that as Yeon distanced himself without a real explanation to Rang. I also would have liked if Ji-Ah had more scenes with her parents, considering that she had been trying to find them for so long—only for them not to be at the wedding??? Only for Ji-ah to nearly die for Yeon again??? Only to have their scenes cut out more and more, even though they are so important to her character??? Writers, explain how these dots are supposed to connect. 

Romance: Rating - 7 out of 10 

It’s clear that their romance works in this drama. While I wasn’t super invested with their romance, I still found it cute because they did a lot of dates and actually progressed as a couple. I loved it when Ji-Ah looked at him when he kissed her and was like “don’t project your feelings from your first love on me because I’m Ji-Ah, not A-Reum (whatever the name of his first love was).” It only got better from there because they were actually getting to know each other and date (like NORMAL PEOPLE). I’m also giving them bonus points because they didn’t do that weird break-up sequence with a time skip during the duration of their building romance (I’m not counting the time he was gonna distance himself to help her because they weren’t officially in a relationship or the fact that he died and she was waiting for him to return because it’s not an actual breakup). 

However, I’m not a fan of the “dying for you” trope; that was one thing that rubbed me the wrong way because Yeon really died for her, only for her to offer herself up for his reincarnation (thank you Rang for stopping her). Another thing that really bothered me about them is the fact that Yeon fell in love with a child—not exactly a child, but: how do you fall in love with someone you watched grow up? I understand that because he’s a deity, he doesn’t age, but.... dude. A human? Really? (Goblin war flashbacks). Also, for a main couple, they were kind of boring. I mentioned it earlier that I wasn’t super interested in their relationship and that also made me tune out a bit during the main plot events (which is probably what made me less emotionally invested). 

Second Plot/B-Plot and Secondary Characters: Rating - 9 out of 10 

As I mentioned earlier, I wasn’t interested in the main characters as much. But the side characters made up for it, especially Yuri and Shinjoo’s side romance and their relationship with the kid, Suho. The whole mini family that Rang had was incredibly sweet, especially since he didn’t think he would have one and that drove him to live and I... (*screams into the distance*). I still can’t believe they wrote him to just die after all of that. Anyways. 

I was also interested in the other “fictional” characters around the foxes (the Snail Bride, Talupia and her husband, the nightmare lady) because of how their myths were going to contribute to the plot and the characters and such. They all had their own stories and how it impacts them because... they’re also people; they’re not human, but they’re still people with emotions, whether it’s love, anger, or fear. As for the humans, I loved the relationships and connections they had, especially those around Ji-Ah and their connections from the past. It was all super endearing to watch especially in the face of danger. 

Additional Notes: 

AGE - I mentioned it before, but wow, I’m going to emphasize it. The one major thing that bothered me is how Yeon fell in love with someone he watched grow up. It’s similar to how Goblin set it up, but.. Yeon met his first love when she was like... 9? 10? Essentially, she was a literal child and (as an education major who has to work with young children)........ I was just kind of bothered by that. I get that they worked around it by making them get together as she was older (25-30ish?) but when they did the flashbacks with her as a child, I felt uneasy all over again. 

“Plot Twist,” i.e., Ji-Ah being part of the Imoogi - I felt like I knew Yeon was the one who killed her in the past and felt like it was gonna come back, but I was surprised when Ji-Ah had a part of the Imoogi with her. I thought it was a smart move because it also builds tension between the three characters: who will die and who will live? In standard kdramas, they have the antagonist cut and clear and I thought it would be the same in this instance, but it was more clear as the drama went on. It’s less of a plot twist, since it was kind of built from episode 2-3 but it’s further explained to be a more standard “plot twist.” 

The Ending - I always have something to say about the end of dramas and most of them aren’t good, so... this drama is not an exception to this. I already mentioned how upset I am at the fact that Rang died for Yeon, but also Yeon coming back as a human made it confusing because there’s no way he would just be.. let off the hook like that, especially with the ending scene being that Yeon didn’t come back fully human? It was unclear. In my opinion, I felt that it would have been better if: one, he died off completely or two, the two would meet again later (an ending like Hotel del Luna, where they’re both completely human and have the stable life they dreamed of). 

Overall Rating: 7 out of 10 

Recommended? 

↣ Yes: this is a fantasy drama that had similar vibes to Goblin, so if you liked Goblin, this is probably a drama for you. The main characters also had a steady relationship building, with both making the effort so the romance aspect is a bit more top tier. It also incorporates a lot of Korean myths, so if you’re interested in seeing them, this drama would be a good recommendation. There’s also lots of twists (I don’t really know if you would call it that, but whatever) in the plot, so it always turns into unexpected directions that dramas don’t really go into (at least the ones I’ve watched). There’s also the theme of family, both biological and formative (less nuclear-family structure) that touches your heart a bit more too. 

↣ No: first of all, it’s a fantasy drama—it’s gonna have the standard issues with fantasy dramas: age gaps, lots of talk with other myths and the “balanced world and whatnot”, etc. It’s pretty cliche as well with lots of tropes that are problematic (as mentioned above). There’s also a bit of imagery that might be problem: there’s a few episodes with creepy themes, so you might have to skip out on it if you know you can’t handle look at it (like me). There’s also lots of death mentioned throughout the show, considering how one of the characters literally just mass murder people because he didn’t get things his way. This drama is a bit frustrating to watch as well, either because you’re not be as super invested in it or the characters might be too much or you can’t stand mint chocolate chip and watch the main characters eat it all the time. 

[shirtlesssammy]

10x08: Hibbing 911

Ah, the episode that planted the seeds for a movement. So happy to be recapping Dodio this week!

Now:

In Hibbing, Minnesota, a tagger artist preps to spray paint smiley faces on an alley wall. He hears a noise, but continues with his task. He’s suddenly attacked from behind, and beaten to the point where his blood flies out of him and on to the wall. Impressive! And stylishly cool, show.

After the title card, our fearless leader, Jody, finds herself at a sheriff’s retreat in Hibbing. “You can do this,” she encourages herself before taking the plunge to socialize. #relatable She runs into a bohemian homeless-chic young lady in the parking lot and gives her some lunch money, before heading inside to her doom.

Once inside, she’s greeted by the ball of sunshine herself, Donna Hanscum. Donna is 100% rolling out the welcome wagon for our reluctant sheriff, and she let’s Jody know she grew up here and knows all the town’s ins and outs.

Donna’s EXTREMELY UNLIKEABLE ex-husband Doug decides to make an appearance. His insults towards Donna do not endear him to Jody. Her face is priceless. (Also, petition for the show to not make weight loss/fat jokes for Donna this season and in Wayward? Plz and Thx.)

At the bunker, Sam and Dean continue to search for a cure for the Mark of Cain. (Also, I’m side-eyeing some of the titles of books the Men of Letters have.)

The sheriff’s retreat kicks off with one very awkward Sheriff Len Cuse announcing Partners! for the duration of the retreat. Jody’s busy checking in with Alex so she misses out on partnering up --but that’s ok, so did Donna. Looks like they’re stuck with each other!

Another sheriff asks Donna if she “heard about the body?”, piquing Jody’s hunter interest. Donna assures her that this is very uncommon. 

Jody heads off alone to make a call to Sam. Some minor clunky exposition ensues where Jody finds out Dean’s back, and mostly normal. She then tells them about the case, and Dean offers their assistance. Jody declines. Jam flirtations intensify. Dean’s going stir crazy though so the boys head to Hibbing.

Jody tries to make inroads on the case by examining the body, but is rebuffed by the morgue attendant. Donna arrives and makes nice with Shelly, and the two are quickly ushered over to take a look at the victim. Donna can’t make heads or tails of the bite pattern on the vic. Jody quips, “I was afraid of that.” But keeps Donna in the dark about what she suspects.

Meanwhile that night, secret smoker Howie takes the trash out, and ends up Hibbing’s next mysterious victim.

At the retreat, Donna and Jody start asking Sheriff Cuse about the case, but he’s interrupted by Deputy Graham. They have an issue with “the raffle.” They take off, and it’s then that Donna notices Doug the Dick flirting and dancing with another woman. She exits so she doesn’t have to witness the gross. Jody heads off to pester Len again. He admits there’s been another attack. Jody’s on Hunter High Alert.

She makes a check-in call to Alex, and this episode is kind of hilarious when it comes to her interactions with Alex. Alex is painted as a total hellion that Jody can barely control, but that’s just not the Alex we met in Alex Annie… or in any other episode. I know it’s in the show, so it’s not out of character.I just have to accept that Alex went through a brief phase of adjustment. Donna catches the phone call, and calls Jody out on her less than perfect homelife. Jody admits there was another attack. Then they proceed to have a conversation about Alex and teens and I’m still baffled about it all. Alex isn’t a normal teen? Approaching it simply from Jody’s point of view --connecting with a teenager that she didn’t raise, etc. --does help. I think in many ways Jody had slammed the door shut on any domestic home life for a long time. Suddenly she’s in charge of someone, and that alone is a struggle --it’s extra fun when she’s an ex-blood slave to vampires.

The next morning, the boys pull up to the sheriff’s retreat.

For science:

They share notes with Jody. It seems that both victims were missing leather items. Donna arrives with coffee for her new BFF, and recognizes “Agent Frehley” and “Agent Criss”. (Boy, I hope they used the same names! I wonder if they use names regionally?) 

They make small talk, but in order to keep Donna in the dark about the supernatural, Jody agrees to distract her while the brothers investigate.

Dean and Sam head off to talk to the sheriff...(four men raise their hands)...of Hibbing. Sheriff Len gives them an update on the “animal attacks” while everyone whips out their dicks and measures them right there in the hotel lobby.

Sam wants surveillance video of the attacks but the Sheriff denies there’s any record of it. Meanwhile, the deputy sips his coffee...shiftily. After the flock (herd? flight?) of sheriffs departs, Sam heads off to crack the police evidence database while Dean decides to crack the deputy. (Note to self: Mind out of the gutter Mind OUT OF THE GUTTER failed)

Classic dialogue alert:

Dean: This badge means something.

Sam: I made it at Kinkos.

Dean: Yeah, you did. Be proud of that.

Meanwhile Jody and Donna tour the expo and end up next to a firearms dealer. He tries to sell them a small handgun so they can be armed while they have their nails done.

The two sheriffs exchange a LOOK and proceed to display their weapons knowledge and prowess about a larger gun on display. “Ten pounds pull weight. Cute,” Donna notes.

“Call this a big one? Hope you drive a porsche,” Jody says. Boom DEAD.

Donna’s douche ex husband Doug strolls up and calls Donna a wolf in sheepskin. “Thank you,” Donna replies, adorably. “Wolves are majestic creatures.” Doug proceeds to rip Donna about her weight again, asking why she’s not out on the prowl herself.

Donna tries to laugh it off (while we stop paying attention to the episode so we can start plotting an elaborate “Goodbye Earl” death for Doug). Jody’s had enough. She asks Doug what his problem is, calls him a douche, and off he goes. Donna is understandably pissed about this because, even as we all get Jody’s motivation, she’s also made things harder for Donna. “‘Til you’ve actually lost a husband, you keep your mouth zipped about mine.” Jody suffers a bloody flashback from this, remembering how she found her son eating her husband. UUUUGH (Me: Gives Jody a hug and a warm blanket and a bunny.) Donna notices the dead look on Jody’s face and apologizes quickly, then heads outside to get some air.

Meanwhile, Dean circles around to the deputy and schmoozes him over. The deputy admits that the password on the surveillance server was changed by the sheriff a day ago.

Armed with information about the suspicious sheriff, we cut to Donna. She’s outside when she notices a blood trail. She follows it to find Sheriff Len busting out in fangs and crouching over the body of the pretty young Sheriff Goodhill. (Me: The one part of this episode I didn’t like because I felt like that sheriff was being punished for going out on a date with our protagonist’s ex.)

Jody checks in on Dean, asking how he’s been doing since she heard he took off a while ago. God, I love how Jody takes the time to care about her friend. JODY you are the best. Sam tells them the surveillance videos were deleted and we think we’re at a dead end when Donna runs up. She pulls Jody aside.

Jody immediately apologizes for butting in but Donna is one billion percent past this. “You ever think there are things out there? Things that don’t end up in the police blotter?” She tells Jody about the fanged sheriff. Jody believes her immediately. Donna quickly recalls which room the sheriff booked at the hotel because she is my very favorite sunflower.

Jody and Donna bust into the sheriff’s room. There’s sunscreen on the bed (heh heh vamps) and Donna scribbles out the tracings of a note on the bedside table. It’s an address.The door rattles and Jody whips out a machete. It’s the Winchesters! Hey, buddies. Donna learns quickly that the sheriff is a vampire when Jody drops this fact like a dead potato (shut up, that’s totally a popular phrase).

“You wanna give her the talk?” Dean asks Jody. Well, sure I do, pardner.

After “The Talk” they all head outside. “Heck,” Donna says. “When we were at the weight loss spa?”

“Monsters,” Dean says. “Suckin’ on your fat.”

Dean. Bean. Just...sigh.

Anyway, they’ve got an address now and it’s time to head out. Dean tries to get Donna to stay at the retreat. DEAN. BEAN. >:( But Donna and Jody insist.

The farmhouse is indeed old and creepy and mist covers the ground. Dean pulls out machetes for everyone (YAY) and tells Donna that she’s gotta chop of the head of the vamp. She takes this in totally calmly because she’s Donna Fucking Hanscum.

Sheriff Vampire pops up and tells Sam to run but a vampire gang’s already got everyone else. They knock out Sam and Dean and hold Jody and Donna hostage. Everyone gets tied up in the barn.

Hippie Vampire runs her hand longingly down Dean (get mind out of gutter get mind out of GUTTER) and tells him they’re going to use “every part of the buffalo.” Sheriff Vampire tells the hippie that he doesn’t kill people anymore. In fact, he stood over Sheriff Goodhill and vamped out over her blood, but didn’t bite.

“A vampire that doesn’t feed is like a tiger eating salad,” the vampires explain. (So...like Sam, amirite?) It’s a nature v. nurture argument and they’re going to destroy Hibbing until Sheriff Vampire goes back to the nest. They only found the sheriff because he got his photo in the paper from running a police retreat. “You didn’t just go straight. You became a damn cop. Now THAT is wild, man.”

Len and the hippies (the worst band name) chat while the hunters all saw at their ropes. The hippies try to force Len to kill the trapped hunters but he refuses, so Hippie Vampire chops his head off. Just then Dean busts free and starts to fight the vamps. Sam and Jody do what they can while still tied up when suddenly Hippie Vampire hisses at Jody, ready to chomp her. WHAM SLICE Donna chops her head right off.

“Hakuna matata, Lady,” Donna says. We all jump up and cheer shouting BEST CHARACTER EVER.

Outside everyone checks in with each other. Donna feels sick about chopping off her first head but she’s still standing. Jody and Donna MEGA BOND over it.

Dean and Sam check in with each other because oh yeah, this isn’t Wayward yet. Dean admits that for the first time since he got back he doesn’t feel like the Mark of Cain is pushing him to do things. Sam raises his brow at this because MY DUDE that’s a long time of pretending everything is fine.

“Knowing that these things are out there makes the world seem...I don’t know...bigger, darker,” Donna says. Jody offers to keep Donna apprised of how to fight monsters and they all head off to their lives while Dean rubs the arm with the Mark in a totally normal, not-suspicious manner.

What the Quotes?

You are true blue as ever, Donna.

I love the smell of parchment in the morning.

She smokes grass under the bleachers but at least she’s not luring men to their deaths.

Oh, pal, the FBI doesn’t do cute.

What the cuss? A vampire?

I’m sure it was all kombucha and kumbaya.

Are you feeling dirty, Len? ‘Cause we’re about to have a bloodbath.

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[lady-divine-writes]

Klaine Advent Drabble - “Amenities and Perks” (Rated T)

Kurt despises using the communal laundry room in the basement of his apartment building ... but after meeting a charming young man (who's not afraid to show a little skin), Kurt might just change his mind. (1899 words)

Meet cute AU. Written for the Klaine Advent Drabble prompt 'charm' and dedicated to my husband - he should know why ;) 

Read on AO3.

Communal laundry room.

Those three words strung together make Kurt’s skin crawl.

He may be a little “high maintenance” when it comes to certain things, but he doesn’t consider himself a snob. However, there are two spaces he hates sharing (with people he doesn’t know) more than anything in the world – bathrooms and laundry rooms. Too much personal, intimate stuff happens in those two rooms, much of which surrounds underwear, so he’d rather not get too many strangers involved.

Rachel told him to look on the bright side. She said using the communal laundry room would be a prime opportunity to meet real, salt of the earth people, whose gritty milieux the two of them could borrow from to keep their performances authentic and relatable.

However, that logic flew the coop the moment Rachel found some sycophant willing to help her sneak her laundry into the NYADA dorms. Not much “gritty” milieu over there. Rachel said that she could get Kurt in, too, but he decided to pass. He doesn’t want to lug his unmentionables onto three trains and a bus just to wash them when the laundry room in their building is three floors down. (Honestly, given his options, some days he’d rather go without.) As for meeting new people, so far he’s had a less than stellar run-in with the crusty hippie from 4C, who Kurt suspects stopped bathing two decades ago; and the uptight older woman in 5E who keeps accusing him of putting too much starch in the dryer. She claims that since he’s moved in, all her clothes have become stiff and scratchy. He’s told her numerous times that he doesn’t use starch in his clothes, but she insists that she knows it’s him - something about his shifty eyes and retractable teeth.

That’s milieu enough for him.

He’s tried to avoid confrontation by dumping his laundry into the machine and just going back to his place, then returning forty-five minutes later when everything is done, but he discovered that that’s a good way to get his clothes stolen. So he carves out time to do his laundry when he knows crusty hippie and uptight lady don’t normally do theirs, bringing a book and a folding chair with him so he can stay and babysit the machine.

It’s a rare Saturday evening when the laundry room isn’t packed full of people, but seeing as it’s a week away from Christmas, the whole building (a squat, recently renovated, red-brick tenement, only six floors total) has been uncharacteristically quiet since the 8th of December. Aside from his load currently running, most of the machines are taken - by who, Kurt doesn’t know. But in the hour he’s been there, they haven’t returned. As long as he can get his whites done before his shift at the diner, he doesn’t really care. Halfway through his first rinse cycle, he hears footsteps shuffle down the staircase to the basement. Oh well. His solitude has come to an end. Kurt turns the page, wondering which tenant he’ll have the dubious honor of meeting today.

Kurt doesn’t remember ever having seen the man who emerges from the stairwell before. This man Kurt would definitely remember. Whoa boy, would he remember. Barefoot and shirtless, muscular and trim, with curly dark hair and a scruffy three-day shadow on his jawline, the man dressed only in grey sweats and carrying a white plastic basket of laundry nods at Kurt when he enters the room.

“Hey,” the man says.

From behind his book, reading over the same three sentences half a dozen times, Kurt sits up straighter. He tries to sound more chill than he feels when he answers back with, “Hey.”

The man goes from machine to machine, searching for an unoccupied one. “Busy in here today?”

“You can say that. There’s only one machine open.” Kurt motions with his chin. The man follows the gesture and locates the vacant machine. He scrunches his nose, that one subtle motion transforming his whole face from rugged to cute.

“It’s not the one that smells like ketchup, is it?”

“No.” Kurt had honestly checked. “No, it’s not.”

“Great,” the man says, claiming it quickly before someone races down there and beats him to it. Kurt can’t blame him. It happens. “Because I already work at a diner. I don’t need to smell like one.”

“What a coincidence. I also work at a diner,” Kurt mentions without thinking.

“I think that about 78% of the people living in this building work in the food service industry.”

78%? Really? Not 75%? Kurt thinks, jokingly judging the man’s illogical percentage usage. “Must be why the hallways always smell like bacon grease.”

The man laughs. It’s not fake; it’s not forced. And Kurt smiles. This is the most at ease Kurt has felt down here since he’s moved in. Kurt has run into a fair amount of the tenants in the few months he’s been here. Most of them keep to themselves, but they all have something about them to the extreme – extremely angry, extremely depressed, extremely outgoing, extremely withdrawn. Even Kurt can be described as extreme - extremely detached. He doesn’t usually start conversation. He likes to keep his distance here. That’s not a phenomenon of this apartment building. NYADA is full of extremes that tend to exhaust him – extreme drama, extreme competition, extreme cliques, and extreme clichés. What appeals to Kurt most about this man is how normal he seems. How regular. He’s just a guy (a shirtless guy) doing his laundry, recently bathed (Kurt assumes from the way his curly hair glistens slightly beneath the string of Edison bulbs overhead), holding no apparent grudges regarding starch that Kurt can tell.

“Well, don’t keep me in suspense,” the man says, dropping his laundry piece by piece into the machine. “Which diner are you slinging hash at?”

“The Spotlight Diner. Have you heard of it?”

The man makes an impressed face. “Yeah, I’ve heard of it. Fancy. Plus, they make you sing. Must be why they feel they can charge $7.50 for a basket of onion rings when we charge $4.99 ...” He finishes under his breath, followed by a cough to sweep that comment under the rug.

Kurt grins wide. He has no product loyalty. He agrees the prices are outrageous … but he’s not going to admit that. “Must be.”

“I work at Metro,” the man adds.

“Ooo … mmm,” Kurt hisses with feigned distress, “that’s, like, down the block from Spotlight.”

“Yup.” The man pulls a beat up box of laundry detergent from his basket, dumps an indeterminate amount of powder in with his clothes, then shuts the lid. “So we must forever be rivals then.”

“It definitely seems so. Which is a shame since I hear you guys have the best cheesecake in town.”

“Oh yeah” - The man cranks the dials to cold and permanent press without even checking the settings - “absolutely. You’ve tried it?”

“No,” Kurt admits, “but I’ve looked up your menu on the Internet. It helps that it says it right on the menu.”

“Yup. Otherwise, how would you know?” the man quips with crossed arms and a conciliatory smirk. “I mean, it’s not like anyone ever orders it or anything.”

“Of course not.”

“And I hear you guys have some killer pineapple milkshakes.”

“We do,” Kurt agrees.

“God” – the man sighs, leaning against his machine – “I haven’t had a decent milkshake in ages.”

Kurt raises an eyebrow. “Don’t they serve milkshakes at Metro?”

“Yeah, but not good ones. I mean, we have the cheesecake thing going for us. Why do we have to worry about the milkshakes?”

“That makes sense.” Kurt chuckles, and the man’s eyes brighten, his jocular expression smoothing into a warmer, more relaxed smile. It seems to Kurt that maybe he was prepared for some sort of unpleasant confrontation when he came down to do his laundry, too. It’s nice to find someone to commiserate with who doesn’t try to one-up him all the time … not that Kurt has anyone in particular in mind.

“Hey, maybe we can figure out some sort of behind the scenes trade off,” the man suggests. “Kind of a Romeo and Juliet deal.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Kurt says, crossing his legs and leaning forward with interest. “We can do the switch in the back alley. You know, under the cover of darkness.”

“Way to be authentic,” the man says, nibbling his lower lip like he’s chewing on an idea. “Or you could always stop by my place? I’m in the 3G.”

Kurt’s pink cheeks fight to keep from becoming full on red. “I can do that.”

“Great. So, do you have a name, or do I get to call you Romeo? You know, as part of the code.” The man puts a finger to the side of his nose and winks.

“I’m Kurt,” Kurt says, standing and extending a hand to his ridiculously adorable neighbor in 3G. “Kurt Hummel. I’m in 2F.”

“Blaine. Blaine Anderson.”

“Hello, Blaine.”

“Hello, Kurt.” Blaine looks at him a moment longer, small smile lifting the corners of his mouth, but then the machine behind them begins to agitate, and he seems to recall that there are other things he needs to do today. “Well, I’m sorry to plot and run, but I have to get ready for work. That’s my uniform in there.”

“Yeah. I should be heading out myself soon, too. I’m just waiting for the spin cycle.”

Blaine nods, then his face goes blank. “Oh, crap.”

“Oh, crap,” Kurt repeats, frightened that this normal appearing, charming young man suddenly remembered that he actually has a boyfriend or something. “Crap, what?”

“I just remembered,” he says, and Kurt’s heart skips. Kurt is right. Oh, crap. “I’m really sorry for this. You can turn away if you want to.”

“Turn away---what?” Kurt is prepared to tell Blaine that it’s okay, that he knew all along that they were just talking about desserts and not actually flirting, but without giving it another thought, Blaine slips off his sweats and his briefs. Buck naked and without a care about it, he takes them to his machine and tosses them in with the rest of the laundry. The lid slips out of his hand, landing with a loud clang, which is fine by Kurt since it masks the sound of his book falling out of his hands and on to the floor. “Oops,” Blaine says. “Sorry for the loud. I know it kind of echoes. See you tonight.” With a smile and a wave, Blaine strolls out of the laundry room and up the stairs, leaving in all of his tight tan skin and muscular glory.

Now that’s the kind of milieu that Kurt can get behind. And maybe with some luck and a few milkshakes, he might just.

Slowly (to alleviate a sudden throbbing below his belt), Kurt sits back down. He considers picking up his book again, but how can he after that? He’s been locked in the midst of a suspenseful murder mystery for the past hour. He doesn’t need that angst wiping away the impression that Blaine just left behind. Maybe Kurt will never find out if Nick Dunne really did murder his wife, but one thing’s for sure - using a communal laundry room may have its perks after all.

[nadiawrimos]

December 2018 Book Reviews

Not That Kind of Girl by Lena Dunham (A) ⭐⭐

All I knew about Lena Dunham before reading her book was that she’s problematic and very much a ‘white feminist’. After reading this book (in which she does herself no favours) I could see why. It wasn’t especially interesting to read and I wish I had chosen another audiobook to invest the time in.

Goodbye, Things: The New Japanese Minimalism by Sasaki Fumio (A) ⭐⭐⭐⭐

I enjoyed listening to this audiobook and what made it really special was listening to a tiny part of it with my boyfriend. He nodded along with a lot of what Sasaki said, and sparked conversations about moving in together. 2019 might be the year we take the plunge! That aside, this book was great because it showed the perspective of one minimalist’s journey while suggesting (but not insisting) the reasons why many other Japanese are joining the minimalist way of life. I thought it was an interesting social commentary on materialism and the return to an older, more simple (yet more fulfilling) culture.

Imposters by Scott Westerfeld (A) ⭐⭐⭐⭐

I love Scott Westerfeld, the Uglies/Pretties/Specials trilogy, and this book did not disappoint. I wish I would have read a paper copy, but when the audiobook is available from the library without a wait list, you gotta jump on it. I did find it funny that the person narrating the book did the same ‘boy voice’ for Cole that I do when I’m imitating someone I don’t like. But I was able to look (hear?) beyond that and I really, really loved the story! Scott Westerfeld is so good at his craft and it’s great for me to read his books because that makes me motivated to write and inspires my creativity :’)

Unfuck Your Brain: Using Science to Get Over Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Freak-Outs and Triggers by Faith G Harper (A) ⭐⭐

I thought this book was just OK. The first chapter(s) about the way the brain works were well written and described. I liked the profanity throughout the book, it gave the author a ‘cool mom friend’ vibe. Overall, I didn’t find it especially illuminating and kind of basic, the core message being that if you want to fix your OCD tendencies, anxiety, or other mental illness, you need to address the trauma that would have led to these behaviours in the first place.

The Botany of Desire: A Plant’s-Eye View of the World by Michael Pollan ⭐⭐⭐⭐

 I enjoyed the Omnivore’s Dilemma for its research and Pollan’s prose, despite his decision NOT to advocate for veganism within the text. The Botany of Desire talked about four plants -- the apple, the tulip, marijuana, and the potato -- and the ways in which humans and plants co-evolved through history. I thought the concept was excellent and the storytelling well done.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman (A) ⭐⭐⭐

I have mixed feelings about this book and would have preferred to rate it a 2.5 stars. Where to begin - I guess I’ll start with why I’d rent such a book anyways. In my most recent attempt to try therapy again, my therapist mentioned the words “love languages” which made me interested, and ultimately led me to this book. Things I liked: the concept of the 5 languages, and practical advice on ways to ‘speak’ that language. Things I didn’t like so much, but could at least put up with: Chapman is deeply Christian and those biases are evident throughout the text. There were sprinklings of Bible teaching and evangelizing in almost every chapter, but in my opinion it wasn’t over the top. He gives off the air of someone very full of himself and confident in his abilities, since in his mind God called him to his vocation. Things I really, really didn’t like: my biggest criticisms of the book would be the way in which heteronormative gender roles were enforced in literally. every. example. relationship. Seriously, in every single story about the marriages he ‘saved’, the men worked and wanted their wives to have the house cleaned and dinner ready by the time they got home from work. I disagreed especially with Chapman’s “experimental” suggestion that a woman who felt emotionally neglected by her husband should initiate sex with him even when she didn’t want to because she did not feel close to him, because apparently ‘physical touch’ was his love language. Seriously? I know that this is a popular book which has sold millions of copies in all different languages for the past 20 something years and at its core there’s what I believe to be a good message, but I’d love to see the next edition revised to include all genders, same-sex couples, and be less focused on exclusively Christian community values to appeal to more people.

TL;DR I did find myself saying yikes more than a few times while listening to this audiobook.

Year of No Clutter by Eve O. Schaub (A) ⭐⭐

This was an okay book, which I could not really relate to since I’m several steps ahead in my decluttering journey. I’m not a hoarder nor a packrat and Eve’s habit of keeping literally everything (a dead rat, every single note she was handed in math class, cat pee-coated blankets etc) was kind of stomach turning. The twist (if you can call it that) at the end, revealed by the German exchange student, wasn’t entirely surprising; I had long ago suspected that Schaub’s tendency to store items expanded beyond the capacity of the ‘Hell Room’. I did think it was a cute tribute to her belongings as she let them go, but I don’t think I’d really recommend it.