#is that the crippling fear of death and panic attacks have reared their ugly heads again
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#The worst thing about being quote unquote Sane now#is that the crippling fear of death and panic attacks have reared their ugly heads again#From 6 on it was a constant panic of OH GOD NO and trying to wrap my tiny little kid brain around the idea of not existing any more#then I got depressed and suicidal and just generally went nutty as my Dad helpfully described it#and the fear went away!#It was brilliant!#Sounds backwards and absolutely every thing else was fucking awful at that time but for the first time since I knew what it was#I was ok and at peace with the thought of death#then I got better (long story short not actually technically mentally ill it was just my thyroid trying to murder me)#and kept feeling fine about it for a few years#but oh man its come back swinging now#Literally the one good thing I got from that whole experience and its gone again ffs#Can't go for a second without something to listen to/ watch or The Thoughts come back#Time to break out the panic attack playlist again#its mostly old Achievement Hunter minecraft and GTA5 videos#or the Red Web twins on a ghost hunt#don't mind me just needed to get that out
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