#is it disappointing to see your childhood idol deviate from who you thought they were? maybe. but I'll cope lol it's literally not that deep

[tolerateit]

your personal relationships will never be as complicated and messed up as my parasocial bond with taylor swift

[xheerafmd]

i. i’m a beautiful girl!

“seventy-three kilograms...six possible surgeries...four months...” how could someone’s whole world be reduced to numbers? how could a human be seen as nothing more as seventy-three kilograms of fat? “she could stay at our vip location in namhae, it’s beautiful.” as a child heera had learnt she could never be looked down upon, not really. rich girls don’t feel pain. their layers of money protect them from the usual perils that befall the rest of society...right? she thought herself invincible simply because her parents earned more and spent more than those around them. turns out those rules only applied before puberty. it wasn’t enough to have money in the realm of teenagers.  “there’s nothing to worry about. you’ve come to the best!” heera played with the corners of her black shirt, she did her best to suppress her fears. she could die. it was a valid option. her life could end on a cold operation table and that would be that.  “we’ll be doing very basic procedures first.” but a part of her didn’t care. she wouldn’t give up everything for the sake of beauty if she was giving up anything important. her life was simply not valuable enough as it stood. and her father had always taught her stocks with low values didn’t belong in her portfolio. was there a difference?

“in layman terms we’ll do facial contouring, double-eyelid, eye-widening, we’ll smooth the jawline, rhinoplasty, and put her on a diet plan immediately.” heera didn’t need to hear anymore, she was only interested in the end results. she stood up and left the room without excusing herself. the waiting room was painted blue with swirls of gold. the ac was neither too strong nor too weak for the early summer weather. it was nearly empty save for a set of attendants who stood by a desk near the entrance. the tv was showing the newest episode of music bank. perfect looking girls danced on screen. heera looked at the performance halfheartedly. “(irony) maldo an dwe.” what did it take to be up on that stage? aside from acting heera had never thought about a life in the limelight. she had strong vocals but she had never even sang outside of her room. but after the surgeries...couldn’t she do anything? 

ii. everyone falls down

"anything for my girl. but are you sure this is what you want? there are other ways.” the ride from the airport to the hotel had been long enough for her father to get caught up on her plans. he didn’t object, didn’t ask why she had taken such a drastic decision. heera had always been an observer in her own life. it was something the older man had always disliked. for the first time it seemed as she was taking charge of her destiny and she encountered no backlash from him. “don’t worry about your mother, she’s overseeing the opening of a new hotel in tokyo in september. i doubt she even remembers we exists right now.” she agreed. her mother would care, as soon as she found the time to do so. “let’s put dinner on the books before your flight to namhae ok? i love you marie.” heera waved good-by and headed back to her apartment. boxes littered almost every inch of the living room. everything she had accumulated during her summers in seoul were slowly being packed into cardboard cages. heera took out a poster that stuck out from one of the boxes. she slowly and carefully unraveled it until the full picture was in view. it was a poster advertising the newest iron man movie. she put down on the floor next to her and began emptying the box. there were bits and pieces of her life in there. childhood pictures, mostly of her brother and their parents. she was in some of them but she could hardly recognize the girl in those pictures. she was smiling from ear to ear. although her clothes were ill fitting...although she took up too much room. heera went to tear one of the pictures apart but stopped herself. she needed these. one day things would be different and she would need proof of just how far she had come. “i’ll re-pack these now miss.”

iii. my beauty is my weapon 

“she’s going into shock!” we never got dinner that time... “call doctor choi.” i wonder what he ate that day...dad hates eating by himself... “she’s having an allergic reaction to the new medicine.” ... “there was nothing on record.” ... “it’s going to be alright.” doctor choi was right, things were going to be alright. she was attached to a bed for a few weeks after surgery. afterwards her life fell into a routine. it was simple really -- wake up and eat, exercise, have a daily check up with the team, rest and eat, exercise, rest exercise, sleep. her days rarely deviated from the norm. time passed surprisingly quickly that summer. “you can see yourself now heera-ssi.” no, not yet. she wanted to be perfect. after all the time she’d put into this change she couldn’t handle disappointment. heera didn’t look at a mirror all summer. the first time she saw her new self was right before the opening of k&e’s new tokyo hotel. her mother wanted to see her daughter whom she had yet to see. “i wasn’t sure about your size so i asked miza--” the older woman was speechless, not a usual emotion for her at all. “my god! honey you look great.” heera smiled, it was all she needed to finally take a look in the mirror. there were too many emotions dying to be felt. there was happiness -- she could finally look in the mirror and not hate the person who stared back. there was pain -- scars would heal, eventually, but her body still remembered the constant pain it had suffered. there was disbelief -- was the reflection really her? was it really her? she looked away. there was regret. but regret would fade away little by little. it would fade a bit that day as she took pictures with the models and j-pop idols who attended the hotel’s opening. it would fade a bit when a man stopped her on the streets of itaewon and insisted she audition for bc entertainment. it would disappear the day diary stood on stage for the first time.