#irl or here or literally anywhere really.. why does my mind tell me i'm too slow or that i could be better or that others succeed at

[taegularities]

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[kit-scrolls]

Hi! I just read your old BSD fic, Altschmerz, and I was wondering if you could provide me with a sorta outline of how the story was gonna go? It's really well written, in-character, and I'm really invested in where the story will go from here. If it's no trouble, of course! :3

ITS BEEN A LITERAL YEAR SINCE YOU SENT THIS ASK IM SO SORRY

i was fully prepared to send you my whole outline, but i. don't know where it went?? i don't have the last chapter of altschmerz stored anywhere in my docs i literally have no idea. where did. what????

i can give you my best guess, but please keep in mind it has been over 2 years since i've actually thought about it at all. on that note, please, please, please feel free to pick it up if you'd like! i don't mind at all, and if you're interested in working w/ me, feel free to DM me so i can link you to my current tumblr acc. :)

spoilers!!

chapter 5

what i definitely wanted: confrontation with the port mafia, but more specifically mori, similar to the canon meeting between the ada/pm. security in front of mori's door yields to him and calls him by his executive honorifics. there's taunting between the two of them, and at some point dazai threatens mori's life in reference to the reason he quit the PM (something along the lines of "why, 'cause you were scared i'd slit your throat just like you did all those years ago?"). throughout the chapter, kunikida finally puts the pieces together and dreadingly realizes that dazai is, in fact, the demon prodigy.

what i kind of want now: a kunikida/dazai confrontation in the same location as the iconic oda/dazai scene in the dark era, where dazai fails to grab onto oda's coat before he goes to fight mimic. possibly interactions with chuuya later down the line, but i can't write skk for the life of me so maybe not?

chapter 6 onwards

i'm fairly certain yamada hanako is revealed to be the one who sent the note, with the actual name of fumiko enchi. irl fumiko enchi was the author of masks, a japanese novel surrounding the ideas of sexual deception and revenge. the story mr. yamada tells about her eloping with the demon prodigy isn't entirely untrue—it was part of a mission dazai had with the port mafia (yes, possibly while underage) and he obviously ends up dumping her when the mission is over. she never gets over it—hence the motive. i think this is meant to tie into the fic's title—altschmerz—where neither dazai nor fumiko are able to rid themselves of their past.

i also have some vague memories in the back of my mind that they might actually recover the footage from the PM which does in fact show dazai delivering the ransom note (in this case, masks would give her the ability to change her appearance, and so she is dazai in disguise) but i can't entirely remember if i actually planned that. if so, i think past me also missed out on some opportunities for fun shapeshifting hijinks to occur earlier on. like, maybe during the kunikida/dazai confrontation, it's not dazai at all—its fumiko, who ends up saying some pretty nasty things + injuring kunikida and therefore raises the stakes for dazai quite a bit.

final chapter

i'm fairly certain i actually wrote this one out, which is a wee bit frustrating. i think this fic was meant to end at oda's graveyard, once the mission was over. maybe fukuzawa sent dazai on break after all was said and done. kunikida finds dazai sitting with his back to oda's gravestone, and they talk through things. for some reason, my memory is insisting ranpo was involved too, but i can't remember why. i think the resolution to the fic is meant to be one focused on morality, the value of changing your ways and doing good, and moving on from past mistakes. and trust.

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to be honest, i can't say for certain i'll return to this fic, or writing fics in general, again. this isn't a bad thing! i've hopped around fandoms, somewhat moved on to working on my own characters and stories, and changed monikers a couple times (some of you might have interacted with my alt accs without ever having realized). for the number of you all who've been interested in my well-being, i'm 100% fine, promise.

thank you for everyone who's been sending nice messages to my inboxes—i do read every one, even if i sometimes don't have the time or energy to reply. i will say, this is the most invested i've been in altschmerz in a long time and who knows? maybe i'll come back to it one day. till then though, signing off,

kit-scrolls.

[lonelywhalien22]

(2/2) Also . . . I can't believe you saw that post about the coworker sdkjfksdf;df - I was just getting off work in the more and I was kind of stunned when I posted that LOL 🤣😂

For some context hahaha: We have a shared workroom and he was coming on for the day and I was just getting off (read: sleep-deprived, not thinking straight hahaha). Just for personal reasons, I won't say what my profession is 😅 (though I'm sure some ppl are able to guess). He's in higher up position than me, but he works on a different team. I've only seen him in passing and said 'hi' in the hallways, but late last week, he started paying attention and talking to me more . . .???

It was so strange because I literally didn't think this man would go from 0 to 100, but we were just making small take and he just goes: "We should go get some coffee sometimes."

AND LIKE SJSDFKSDJ maybe I'm overthinking it and he just wants to go get coffee as friends . . .?? But I was just really taken aback because we aren't even tight like teammates like that 🤣😂

I told him I'd think about it 💀😂 I felt kind of bad bc he looked embarrassed after LOL, but I was taken off-guard! And everyone else in the room was like 👀👀👀

We haven't even his number (I don't want to ask and I think he's nervous to ask now bc of the power dynamic) and I only have a week left here, so who knows what will happen. I don't think it's going anywhere, but hey - he's still talking to me LOL.

Overall verdict: He's cute . . . ish?? Like not my usual type, but he takes care of himself 😭😂 I'm not sure if I'm a big fan of his personality though based on what I've seen? He's kind of brash and to some extent bro-ey . . . He kind of intimidates me ngl lol and I like witty, soft boys (read: jeonghan vernon) ._.

There was another senior from another team I had a crush on, but he moved onto a different floor 😭😂 HE WAS EVERYTHING YO LOL. (but I never talked to him sdkfjdskfjdsf)

Anyways, sorry this was so long, but you asked for the tea and I've been dying to tell someone LOL.

P.S. So excited for you to see Ed Sheearan!!! He's one of my favorite artists <3

took forever to respond because i had lots of thoughts to this part hehe

@twogyuu pls know that i spend way too much time randomly checking tumblr during the day/night so i've caught like 90% of ur delulu❤️posts/random interesting thoughts that u delete after a few minutes 👀 👀 👀 👀

*me laughing evilly as i take the biggest sip of tea known to human kind before spitting it out bc i burned my tongue lol*

☕☕☕☕☕☕☕☕☕☕☕

omg why does your description of this interaction sound like a meet cute lol - just reading that beginning part i was on the edge of my seat 😂 now follows the thoughts of someone who has literally *0.0001%* irl romantic exp. but spends wayyyy too much time reading/watching/thinking about these sorts of things and human relationships in general (infj + enneagram type 4 wing 5 watch out lol), so take from this what you will (below the cut bc i ramble):

suddenly talking to you more often? asking to 'get coffee sometime'??? i'm like 99% sure he's into you my friend so if you agree or give him ur number he's gonna take that as a go so keep that in mind lol. this guy once asked for my number way back when i was a junior in hs and i agreed and then he legit texted me nonstop for a week before confessing his feelings - all via text. and then i rejected him bc i wasn't interested at all. 😭 so like now i don't like to give guys my number unless i actually wouldn't mind them texting me directly like that lol. i'd rather give like an insta or something.

this is just my brain thinking out loud bc i like thinking about these scenarios, not at all telling you what to do - the power dynamic def makes this yikes but if you're gonna be gone soon then that kind of eliminates that part in terms of concern. in my experience of being on both sides of the interaction, when someone says 'maybe' as a response to that kind of advance/request to hang out without any alternative plan, most people assume that's a 'no' or at the very least the rejection will keep them from asking again or following up. unless he's the type of guy that doesn't take no/ambivalence for an answer (ew) he's prob not gonna ask again so if ur interested, it'd probably have to happen from your end.

*high key* screamed internally when you said he was a bro-ey type. any time i hear that my body instantly recoils lol. is it just like the obliviously loudish but good-natured type of bro or the type of bro that takes up space and air in the worst, most entitled/rudish way possible bc one of those makes me 😳❤️ and the other makes me wanna 🤮 💀

Rip I've def felt that where there's a guy you were totally into but like you never interacted/maybe he didn't even know you existed but you still think about them 😭 I wanna say reach out to the one ur really interested in but my scaredy cat self wouldn't even take my own advice lol. I always pine from afar or literally act like a guy doesn't exist if I like him 🤣 (don't be like me but if you do this ur not alone so don't feel bad). Unless I change my stupid ways I feel like a guy will have to be genuine friends with me for longggggg af before he ever made a move to keep me from being scared af and running away. Which is embarrassing. Gotta work on that lol.

Rooting for you no matter what happens lol <3 I'll be waiting for whatever installment of ur love life you decide to share next 🍿 (only if you want to of course <3)

[lizacstuff]

Liza that 3rd fragman 👀 "if I was born a 100 times I'd fall in love with you everytime" Eda saying this is their last obstacle and nothing can separate them, serkan's "I'll be right back, close your eyes I'm here" If this isn't all a red flag for shits about to hit the fan then I don't know what is LOL (but also how cute to Edser look and them telling each other they love each other very much 😭😭😭)

That fragman is both the SWEETEST and the MOST OMINOUS thing I’ve ever seen. ALL AT ONCE.  

Friends... we’re gonna go through some things.  That being said, everything is going to be great. These writers have been solid so far, and I have faith they have come up with something really interesting to increase the longevity of this show. And I don’t know about you, but I’m prepared to go through some things if it means keeping Eda and Serkan for longer.  (I heart them)

This show is about Eda and Serkan and their love story, at it’s core it’s a comedy, it will all lead to happy things, but... yeah, buckle up! 

I have a lot of asks both about the fragman and last ep, so I’m going to answer a bunch under the cut. 

Anonymous said: The fandom theories about episode 28 have gotten so wild that I literally think the most shocking thing would be if they actually got married and were not separated (emotionally or physically). What if the earlier painful episodes were to make us believe that things couldn't possibly go right in 28 and it's a reverse psychology trick?

You could be right!  I like your thinking. I checked on twitter and I had to back away slowly. The juvenile temper tantrums were too much for me today.  

Look, I think it’s clear something big is coming. It has to, there has to be something that shakes up the show. Some of the theories are more upsetting and catastrophic than others, but the writers won’t do anything that dings either character or their love for one another.  Whatever happens will showcase the connection between these two and the chemistry between the actors, that’s the point of everything, and anything that does those things is gonna be a-okay with me. 

@jan31​ Hi Liza. Do you think we are going to see the wedding in 28 or they will leave it on a cliffhanger for next week. Lots of theories going round mainly cos of Neslihan saying new dimensions coming in episode 29, which could just mean married life etc. I have seen suggestions of memory loss, it's all a dream since episode one. I would personally love Eda to wake up like in episode one but for it to be a total turn around and she is the boss and Serkan the employee. Eda being robot yildiz appeals to me!!! I know it will never happen but leave me here with my dreams!!

I started the day at 90% sure they’ll be married in 28/29, but now I’m down to like 30% that they’ll get married in these episodes. I really, really want them to get married before whatever happens happens, because every scenario I can think of for this reset or starting again, seems like it would be better if they were married.  

However, the shooting spoilers from today, make me question that. Namely the videos where Hande appears to still be wearing the ring on her right hand. We shall see, that could be for many reasons. 

Honestly, though, I wouldn’t hate a memory loss storyline. Seeing one of them (and Serkan’s line in the trailer makes it seem like it might be him) lose their memory and have to fall in love all over again? There are worse fates for a shipper than getting to experience that all again but in a different way.  

Anonymous said: Your response to the fandom drama anon was so good, it's exactly how I feel. While I don't know what the old posts that were like are (that's shady as fuck) I did see all the other drama go down and wow. The actresses def need to stay in their lane and some of the fans, hoooo boy, it's obvious they're young based off their reactions alone. Had to unfollow some people once I realized what they were like. Also some of the IRL shipping reminded me of col*fer stuff, reading into everything and blowing it out of proportion (which then gets picked up by paps....). But you're right in that at least the show related drama is tame compared to OUAT. But still, people being too careless even while they know the paps see everything and harass Kerem and hande (omg did you see the video of hande the other day stopped in the van and she looked so overwhelmed 😔)

You’re referencing this post here about yesterday’s drama. 

Today Neslihan made it worse by addressing everything and claiming she didn’t like all those Hande-bashing posts because... wait for it... she was HACKED. Oy. Hackers got in and went back two years to like gross posts about Hande? Sure, Jan. While I don’t believe that for a second, I guess that at least gives her cover with Hande so they can all pretend it’s true and move on so it’s not awkward on set.  But, yikes, she needs to consult a publicist, she took a narrative that was circulating in certain circles in fandom and made sure all her followers were aware. Not very savvy. 

As for the paps coming after Hande, yes I did see her in the car, she did look overwhelmed. Back off vultures!!! That’s why I think Kerem sometimes throws himself to the wolves so that doesn’t happen. She always handles them like a pro, but you can tell she’d rather be anywhere else on earth than talking to them. 

The pap stuff is worse than I’ve seen before, they’re like vultures circling for any conjecture (sometimes made up out of thin air) they can turn into a question and blame fans. OUAT actors dealt with nothing like this. Also I can’t believe they never ask about the show. Like after last week? They could legit ask about the sex scene which probably would have given them some angle on the actors that they wanted, (especially since it was too hot for Turkish TV) but they let that pass them by, and instead asked the same questions about being together that they never answer. Dumbasses. They are not only awful people, they are awful at their jobs. 

In Van, the paps pay off crew members for info, they always know more than fans. Also I don’t remember stars of my shows getting this level of tabloid attention before. Except for on Riverdale, Lili and Cole generated that level of interest, and while I didn’t pay terribly close attention to them, I feel like they rarely talked to the paps, were just photographed. Also I don’t suspected the CW of calling the paps on them, but I suspect either the network or production company of sometimes calling them on Hande and Kerem. 

Anonymous said: Do you think it’s weird that they didn’t touch the kidnapping at all in either trailer? They might not have filmed it in time for the 1st one but certainly the 2nd. And I’m definitely not complaining about the ones we got because its like a fairytale but the kidnapping was the cliffhanger...? 🧐 I think they should’ve just left the princes storyline at “he went back to his country” but then they didn’t so......

If they’d left his story at just going back to his country, then the Prince really wouldn’t have served his purpose. He was brought on to cause some sort of trouble, so they probably need him to cause the trouble before he goes, lets hope it ends with this kidnapping!

And to answer your question, yes, I do think it’s weird that neither trailer touched on it. On any other show I’d think it was a huge red flag, but on this show maybe not as much because  a) there’s obviously a lot of romance in this episode, it’s not crazy that they are focusing on that to draw people in with the promos  b) this show likes to do cliffhangers that end up being no big deal, that happens a lot.  

Who knows it could turn out to be a big deal that shapes the rest of the episode in some unexpected way (Eda’s captured the whole episode and she’s dreaming about wedding prep, or... who knows) but I think it’s more likely that they resolve in the first 5-10 minutes and then move on.  Since we know from the summary (not that I trust those) that Serkan goes on the bachelor weekend, it feels like the Prince is taken care of prior to that. I don’t think he’d leave her alone for a second if there was a chance the Prince was still a threat. Perhaps Babaanne is pissed he tried to kidnap Eda and tells them she’ll handle it herself???

Anonymous said: Semiha not being in the promo is highkey suspicious. The actress is promoting the episode lol. She's about to Evil Queen this wedding ceremony but you know what, I'm fine with whatever she has planned if they end up married at the end of the day. What's funny is that since a lot of fans these days will assume that there will be shocking negative plot twists, not actually having one here would be a plot twist so I hope the writers keep them together for whatever's next haha

You’re not wrong, at this point, having this wedding take place would be a shocking twist for all of us!  As for Semiha... hmmm... it will be interesting to see what her reaction is to Eda being kidnapped by her pick of suitor. Serkan Bolat might be the son of the man indirectly responsible for her parents death, but he would never hurt her. Take note, Grandbag!  

Anonymous said: Do you mind sharing your speculative scenarios?

After the trailer today, I don’t know if I can even remember some of them. 

Memory loss

Grandma forces Serkan to choose between Eda and his company/wealth,  he chooses Eda and they start over from scratch with nothing

Time jump

AU starting over, showing a different path they might have taken together

Dream

These actors playing different characters in a new story

I don’t think the last three are likely, but they did spring to mind after some of Neslihan’s teases. 

Anonymous said: So this show doesn't get like fantastic ratings (it actually seems to be on the lower end compared to all other dizis airing) but the social media engagement is off the charts. Why is that?!? Is the show just extraordinarily popular internationally? or that this is a "shipping" show? I'm floored by the numbers - its like no other show/fandom is even trying

The ratings were terrific during the summer. But to your point, it has a huge fandom both in Turkey and internationally, but it’s worth noting that most of those charts you see where it beats every other show in every imaginable social metric is just for Turkey.  

It’s one of those lightning in a bottle situations where you get the right property and the right actors together at the right time and magic happens.  And, for sure, the number one reason is the shipping. Shipping drives fandom engagement, and a fantastic ship with a juicy, fun, tropey love story is what this show offers. It also offers up two extremely attractive, talented, likeable leads with off-the-charts chemistry (plus the added speculation about an off-camera relationship that has intrigued more than a few fans, tabloids and gossip sites and fueled interest) who have done a good job of building the fanbase through their social media engagement. Plus the timing is part of it as well. I don’t know about you, but this show hit the spot during this pandemic and the horror of 2020. We all needed this escape. 

Anonymous said:Do you think something happened in the writers room after the backlash of 25 and fan disappointment after Ayse's announcement? I feel like a switch flipped and now we're in fanficland with how much good content we've gotten in these last two episodes. Like I thought maybe they should wrap up the series soon before the characters got completely off the tracks but they may be finding their groove now and I'm interested to see what their next twist is after they can write out Balca/Seymen.

I don’t know about a switch flip, this show has been fanfic land since the first episode!  The tropes! That is how I described it to multiple people when I first started watching: an AU fanfic come to life.

As for the writing changes, no, I don’t think backlash after 25 affected 26 or 27, because 26 was already 90% shot, and 27 already written. However, I assume they themselves could tell that 25 got just too dark and had strayed pretty far from the DNA of the series. While I didn’t think it was bad, it was not fun to watch and this show ought to be fun to watch. 

Let’s hope, however, that the backlash affects future episodes in that they know what works... and what doesn’t.  The last two episodes definitely felt reminiscent of the first batch of episodes. Light, funny, romantic. If they can keep that tone... I’ll be thrilled.

Anonymous said: i didn't realize how much i missed "together" edser until watching 27.. it's been so long since they were "officially" together and we also had such few episodes of it.. ppl have been comparing it to 12 and while in some ways i agree, edser are always so different here than they were there. 12 was them navigating their new relationship.. they were more shy and finding their footing.. here they are very much established, as they should be after knowing their love for so long in comparison to 12!

Yes, it was lovely. You know I’ve preached a lot about how even though Eda and Serkan were broken up, they’ve still been together all this time. And it’s true, but there is something about them truly being together that is magical. We never got enough of that the first time around (a writing mistake in my opinion) and they’re so good together it’s lovely to watch. 

Anonymous said: Serkan not asking for help from Balca when asking his team for help with the marriage gifts preparations and refusing her offer of help when she asked made me so happy. Good job Serkan! He's learning! She's not trustworthy!

Yes, that was a good moment. And he was eyeing her very warily when she offered. The thing I don’t understand is how has no one caught on that she’s working with Babaanne? That entire office is filled with nosy people, has no one remarked on the number of times Balca has gone up to the office or they’ve disappeared for lunch at the same time? Come on Leyla! Come on Melo! Notice these things!  

Anonymous said: Fingers crossed that we finally make progress towards getting rid of Seiman & Balca now that all the girls were drugged and Eda was put in the car in the last episode. Unless Seiman has a change of heart and takes Eda back inside before anyone wakes & the guys get there then the show has to address it. Although I do not think Balca is going to back down unless Serkan straight up tells her he has zero interest in her and never will. Totally fine if that happens in the next episode.

Will Balca backdown even if she’s humiliated like that? She’s so delusional I’m not sure. What I am sure is that she’s dangerous. This came in before we saw the other two fragmans that have no mention of the kidnapping. Hard to picture how that is so easily resolved. Unless she frees herself (which seems unlikely in her groggy state) or maybe Melo’s future boyfriend is able to stop it before they get far?  Or I don’t know. I just know that I want to see Serkan lose his mind and all the other characters see Serkan lose his mind and then I want it to be over. LOL.

Anonymous said: As much as I am loving everything Edser, I cannot wait for Seiman, Balca and Grandma to be gone. And I am even more annoyed to think that the show might try to redeem all 3 characters. All 3 of them are truly awful people and no need to waste air time trying to make the audience think any different. Just my opinion...🤷🏻‍♀️. Show please finally expose those 3 for the psychos they are and get rid of them.

Bye bitches!  I don’t think there’s any redemption for Balca and Seiman. They both have poisoned/dosed people, hard to come back from that.  And there is no need to redeem them because neither is compelling enough to be a long-term character. But maybe Granny, we probably will see a redemption arc for her. 

Anonymous said: i know you were worried a few weeks ago that with ayse leaving as writer, we probably wouldn't have the same sort of comedy as previous episodes... but istg the whole kiz isteme scene, especially with chef alex, had me almost crying with laughter. especially when serkan off the cuff just goes "well if that's an option..." to everyone misunderstanding alex "wanting" ayfer for 2 nights and then eda ready to beat him with the flowers he bought her... comedic gold lmao.

SO GOOD! I was thrilled to see that sort of comedy, the sort of comedy we’d come to expect, from these writers. I think it bodes very well indeed!  

That scene was amazing. I know Neslihan said that much of it was improvised. Probably that line from Serkan (since Serkan is SO out-of-his-mind in love I’m not sure he could even joke about having Eda only two nights a week! LOL) was improv from Kerem, and Aydan asking about the other nights, and Seyfi bringing up the weekend. And Eda’s very Hande-esque “Ser-KAN.” 

I just love rewatching that scene and checking out everyone who is breaking character and just losing it. Cagri most of all. He’s blurred aback there but you can see Ferit spends the whole time laughing or trying to stifle a laugh. Reminds me of Cagri in the scene in 18 when they’re watching the security footage he was losing it in that scene as well. 

Anonymous said: i'm scared - I think they are really about to give us all of these happy EdSer scenes only to have something happen RIGHT before the wedding ceremony due to Babaanne. Based on the last episode, I don't think there's any chance of a breakup (knock on wood) but what if Serkan gets arrested, goes to jail for 2 years, and we get a time jump?

This was sent before the last two teasers, so yes I think something is gonna happen. We shall see!  I don’t really think Serkan going to jail for 2 years is in the cards, at least I hope not!  Besides if Babaanne did that she would have no hopes of ever reconciling with Eda, so that seems unlikely she’d follow through and leave him there for so long a time. 

Anonymous said: With the last week's sex scene, they did a lot of fade outs but the scene was basically still there so it wasn't much wasted effort for the actors. But for what they're teasing in episode 28 - idk how they can get away with showing them in the shower at all if Serkan lifting Eda with her clothes on had required blurring? Is Eda dropping her robe even pushing it? It's intriguing indeed.

Great questions. We’re 36 hours from finding out (well I'm longer than that because I wait for the English subs, hee hee) All I know is I want to see these scenes.. one way or another! 

[the-force-awakens]

I did eventually read it last night and it somewhat backfired because it made me cry. I'm just gonna go under the cut for personal reasons!

I have the vaguest recollection of writing it late one night, exhausted and depressed and wanting some kind of comfort and just giving in to the desire to find it in my comfort character, but going back and rereading it now in 2022? Oh. God. I want to hug 18 year old me.

I was barely a month into knowing (but not entirely processed) that I was autistic and it shows. I forgot that time was when I was heavily masking online, and was immediately slamdunked with it by a long sprawling author note apologizing (!) and leaving a disclaimer to explain why I'd even wrote and published such a fic, all while sounding extremely resigned and apologetic.

"I abruptly stopped reading these for some reason" I wrote, not quite getting at it and y'know. My memory for 2018-2019 is really bad because it was when my depression and anxiety were at its peak and also because I was melting down almost every day, but. I remember why I stopped.

I stopped because I mentioned that I liked reading those kinds of fics because I thought they were neat to my ‘best friend’ at the time, who mocked them and said they were too weird and people who wrote them were weird (or just...that kind of sentiment).

And I internalized it so I stopped — even though reading those Poe fics late in the evening when I couldn't quite sleep, were probably some of the few times during that time that I found some semblance of seratonin.

Never mind the fact that the fic opened with the inner dialogue being that there was something wrong with me.

And while it was all painful to go back and see where I was (particularly since I really can't remember a lot from those years), it was also so surreal and affirming in a weird way too? I vaguely referenced things that were happening irl that prompted me into writing it and...I couldn't remember what it was that I was so upset about, and after some digging I finally remembered and went "oh, okay" because it doesn't hurt any more. None of it does.

And then. Oh god the kicker. I had, at this point, known my future qpr pals for only a year. I kept getting into spats with my supposed best friend, other friends kept dropping off the face of the earth, so y'know. I wasn't doing so great in believing I really had anyone.

And distressed and distraught 2018 nym wrote Poe telling her she had a family in the Resistance (which I associate heavily with my qpr slash found family) and with him too, if I wanted. And that he wasn't going anywhere and I was stuck with him.

Your honor 2022 nym actually broke down crying and had to walk that off. Because I did! I did have a family and I didn't know it yet, and we're the most autistic and unconventional family ever but we're a family and we're still going strong despite everything. And Poe? Well, that also hit hard because I wrote that literally a year before I tried to push my spin in him/the sequels for 11 months (give or take, it might have been less than that? I don't know) away. And of course, now I know what self-shipping is too lmfao.

I don't know it was just extremely affirming to read, because I was in a similar emotional state at the start of this year and have been off and on since then. But I'm still here, and I did find that family. I did find my own little Resistance. And 2018 me's mental Poe was right: I am stuck with him.

randomly remembered that I actually wrote and posted an x reader poe fic back in like. 2018 to try and cheer myself up during a really bad mental health time and wondered if I could find it on ao3.

I did but now I'm too afraid to read it