#invoking thee charcubed person by talking about supernatural's 15x07 last call

[write-nerdy-to-me]

Hi. I found your "anti repressed Bi Dean" fic and wanted to thank you! You tagged it as "crack taken serious" so I hope I don't offend you cause I did in fact take it serious! Even separated from deancas that's a thing I will never understand.

I used to agree with all those "Dean is repressed meta" posts. And for me it was/is a language barrier issue.

In my language "repression" translates to refraining/stopping yourself from doing sth. So I agreed - and still kind of do - that Dean was repressing his wants/feelings. But I think everyone, Sam also, do in a hunting community.

You are afraid to form relationships and deep bonds cause people die. That's natural (😉). And especially true for romance.

But at one point I saw the repression thing being used to explain "he doesn't know he is gay/he doesn't know what this feeling is" and omg. I had to look up the word and still didn't get it.

I think there is a difference between repression coming from a place of knowing yourself and actively denying yourself sth and repression as simply denying yourself knowledge about yourself and so also denying yourself everything.

It's still confusing to me language wise but I do subscribe to the idea that Dean knows himself and his wants. He was just repressing/not going after a serious relationship because of his dangerous life style.

Thank you again for the fic - the snark was awesome!

ahh thank you so much, anon! your ask made my day when i was going through a tough time, and oh my gosh, i'm definitely NOT offended! your takeaway is actually what i was hoping for others to notice. thank you for taking my crackfic seriously, i mean it.

i'm sorry this reply took so long. i have a lot of Thoughts & FeelingsTM about all this, and i wanted to make sure you got the response this ask deserves 💜 (more under the cut with tl;dr.)

okay, since there still seems to be a bit of confusion, which is totally understandable, i’d like to cover a couple of things that way we’re on equal ground, anon. repression is an unconscious mental process by which distressing thoughts, memories, or impulses are locked away from the conscious mind. a person who’s experiencing repression isn’t even aware that they’re repressing something, let alone what that something could be.[x] (to put it more plainly, my guy doesn’t know shit about fuck.)

in contrast, what you’re describing is suppression, which is defined as “a conscious effort to put disturbing thoughts and experiences out of mind, or to control and inhibit the expression of unacceptable impulses and feelings.”[x] though they are not the same thing, suppression and avoidance are related in that one avoids things that cause distress, so a suppression of negative feelings about a situation so one avoids thinking and/or processing said situation at all. these are things we’ve seen dean do a lot in the show, and sam even calls him out for sublimation. (“ignoring your trauma doesn't make you healthy.” “sure it does.”) it’s not that dean is unaware of his feelings, the problem is that he’s too aware, but what’s the point of feeling sorry for himself when he has work to do? in 3x13 after spruce asks him a personal question, dean says, “yeah, it’s complicated. a while ago, sam… no. no. no. i’m not gonna whine about my [bullshit] problems to some [bullshit] reality show. i’m gonna do my [fucking] job.” my dude wants to talk, but he feels like he can’t or that it doesn’t matter — it’s his job to take care of other people, not the other way around. (like the way he gets shut down by sam or bobby, and then they go on like, “omg dean, why don't you talk about your issues?” and dean’s like, “bruh i tried but y’all are dicks. it’s not happening now, we’re done.”) like, you’re right, anon. dean was denying himself Good ThingsTM for a long time. (“good things do happen, dean.” “not in my experience.”) the thing is there’s more to dean’s denial than the fear of losing someone because of The Life. it comes from a place of self-doubt, and we’ll get to that in a bit.

while dean typically suppresses thoughts/emotions, let’s look at a few canon examples of dean repressing something. a great example is Purgatory: Early Years, how dean’s memories of his and cas’s parting are of him abandoning cas there. that was easier for dean to process — of course, of course he’d failed cas, that he’d messed up again. he only remembers what actually happened because cas shows him the truth — like that right there is repression. then there’s the whole emotional arc he has with his mother over the anger he’s had for her all these years, the resentment, and disappointment, “i hate you. and i love you,” that bleeds into forgiveness and understanding. so it’s not that i believe dean never experienced repression in his life — absolutely, he has, all of tfw have. however, there are some glaring differences from fandom’s perception of what dean’s repressing versus what he’s actually repressed.

it’s a largely adopted headcanon that dean is going about his life unaware (and simultaneously hyperaware) of his Gay ThotsTM, he has too much internalized homophobia to ever act on his desires, etc. etc. to me, there’s not a lot of evidence in the show to support this read, but the true issues are in the conversation surrounding it and the reasoning behind it. fandom discusses the headcanon with this reductive and mocking tone, if not hateful at times. dean’s being made fun of constantly for not understanding himself or his feelings for cas. he’s emotionally constipated, he’s too dumb to figure out he likes men and needs his college-dropout brother to tell him— well no he knows he likes men but he represses his desires— no wait he doesn't know he likes men… and on and on. what i mean is, when it comes to dean, his queerness is treated as a punishment. he’s condemned for being emotional, for not doing things the way fandom wants him to, and because he doesn’t ~act the way he should~, of course something reprehensible happened to him as a young man to make him forget all about his attraction to men. and the root of all that homophobia was bestowed upon him at an impressionable age by his “raging homophobe” father (which is another headcanon by fandom that has little evidence either). so, with all of that, even if dean did only figure out his sexuality later in his life, he’s mocked for it? he’s not Out and Proud enough because of a tragic traumatic gay experience made him fearful? he doesn’t announce his bisexuality at every given point like, “my name is dean winchester, i’m bisexual, prepare to die,” so this means he’s repressed and closeted? (is there even a right way to be queer?) this obsession with wanting dean to have had a violent experience because of his sexuality... it's like fandom can't even envision dean's queerness outside of trauma. dean’s life is tragic enough on its own without having to make his queerness tragic, too.

so you mention dean’s dangerous lifestyle being why he keeps himself from what he wants, and that’s totally a part of it — like, he didn’t want lisa and ben getting hurt again because of him, so he cut off ties with them and even had their memories erased of him. on a deeper level, dean’s struggling with self-doubt. my dude doesn't think that he's worth the clothes on his back, and he believes that the best ending for him is to go out in a blaze of glory. he's nothing more than a grunt — never stray from the mission and be ashamed if you do. not to have you do even more reading, but @curioussubjects wrote a great analysis about dean regarding emotional vulnerability and how he experiences queerness (“probably think you’re overcompensating”: perception, masculinity & queer!dean). miss liv puts things more eloquently than i ever could. (hi, liv. ily and your brain.)

what stops him from just asking cas to stay isn’t this shame or that he doesn’t recognize what he’s feeling is love, it’s when has anything worked out for them ever? would cas even stay when he always leaves? (he will, just ask, dean.) dean knows what he wants and his feelings for cas; he was ready to tell cas in purgatory! (“cas, i need to say something.”) i keep repeating myself at this point, but it’s not cas being dude-shaped that gives dean pause, it’s that dean thinks of himself as poison and unworthy and the reason everyone he loves dies. and that’s what makes cas’s confession all the more significant for both of them. it isn’t only cas finally giving himself permission to be happy, he had something to say dean needed to hear: you are not your worst enemy. you are more than a blunt instrument. you deserve more than to die bloody. you deserve the same love you give out selflessly. you are worthy. you are not a killer. and we see dean internalize this. when they confront god, dean says, “that is not who i am.” he knows! he deserves love! he wants it! he wants that beach vacation and that dream bar. he wants out of the hunting life, he wants to retire. he wants rest with his family.

and now, dean isn’t repressing his sexuality: a list

charlie — she and dean are paralleled quite a few times and are shown to have a closer bond than what charlie and sam share. dean flirted with a guy for her because she, a lesbian, didn’t know how to. now it could be argued that he knows what a man likes, since he identifies as a man, but then… sam could’ve done it, right? why was it dean? (because dean’s bi, jot that down.)

jesse and cesar — they’re deancas coded. it’s not even subtle. anyway, dean says, “you guys argue like brothers.” and cesar corrects him, “more like an old married couple.” dean doesn’t freak out, instead he asks, “what’s it like settling down with a hunter?” he wants! to settle down!!

gunnar lawless — dean’s crushing HARD, and his interaction with gunnar is paralleled with sam’s crush on rico. (also dean does? the hand thing? that mildred did with dean? like just an episode or two before?? subtlety? don’t know her!)

lee — just. the whole episode. 15x07 my beloved. lee is literally dean’s ex-boyfriend (and john liked him! even after catching them ~drunk on a hunt). dean is totally comfortable with lee the whole time (until, y’know, he finds out lee's murdering people). (who hasn’t killed their ex-boyfriend out of desperation and the need to save others, amiright?) repression internalized homophobia where?

the meat man — “that doesn’t mean what you think it means.” “yeah it does.” dean knows what it means.

thelma and lousie — “so, what — i’m themla and you’re lousie and we’re just going to hold hands and we sail off this cliff together?”

bert and ernie — “let me tell you something. there are two things i know for certain. one, bert and ernie are gay. two, you are not gonna die a virgin. not on my watch. let’s go.”

doctor sexy — both the time meeting doctor sexy, “it’s him, it’s doctor sexy.” / “really? because i swore part of what makes dr. sexy sexy is the fact that he wears cowboy boots. not tennis shoes.” and then later doing that “doctor” “doctor” with cas.

donna’s cabin — the dark-haired cowboy posters on the walls. “well, donna certainly has a type.” a type that seems to line up with dean’s type, funny that. i just. SPARKS. FLEW.

the mixtape — are you telling me dean “referential humor” winchester doesn’t know?? what giving someone a mixtape means?? and that when he gave that to cas (who’d just almost DIED) it was a confession of his feelings?? with the very band his parents fell in love to?? “you talked and he was cute and he knew the words to every Zeppelin song.” (please tell me how someone that’s repressing their gay thoughts would give a mixtape that had the band their parents fell in love to.) fellas, is it repression to give your buddy pal a mixtape of the songs your parents prolly fell in love to after he nearly died in front of you and told you he loves you.

dean comes out to his dad — john: “i guess that i had hoped, eventually, you would… get yourself a normal life, a peaceful life, a family.” dean: “i have a family.” john: “yeah. alright. what’s next?” dean: “we eat.” my dude just told his dad that this is his family. it’s not with a wife and a white picket fence. this is enough.

purgatory redux — “cas, i need to say something.”

the entire widower arc — do i need to say more. he grieved cas, he wrapped him in a shroud, he lost his faith, i’m. the number of times dean loses hope when cas is gone… i think the guy would’ve figured out by some point in the past decade that his feelings for cas run deeper than “this dorky little guy i saved the world with a couple times.”

if you've reached this far, this was my very longwinded way to say:

tl;dr: “repression” is an unconscious defense mechanism, meaning the person isn’t aware they have done/are doing it or what it is that’s locked away from their conscious mind. while there are things dean repressed in the past (i.e. his anger at his mother, his father; his memory of cas choosing to stay in purgatory, remembering it as abandoning cas there), he is not repressing his bisexuality or feelings for cas. if dean didn’t know or understand the extent of his own feelings up until cas’s confession, then why mixtape? why widower arc? why purgatory redux? why 15x07 last call? dean is pretty insightful and self-aware of himself and what he’s feeling, he just doesn’t always talk about these things with sam because he doesn’t want to burden him. my crackfics are my oh-so-subtle way to point out the rather, well, insulting takes that have gained popularity: “hehe dean’s too dumb to know he has gay feelings, he needs sam to tell him.” my dude’s not stupid. please give dean a bit more credit than that, okay? thanks for coming to my tedtalk, i’ve been very tired, and that's my time.

(this is my) disclaimer song: at no point am i trying to imply dean couldn’t have had any hangups in the past regarding his sexuality, nor am i saying he’s the most well-adjusted queer to exist therefore he could never have prejudice. please do not twist my words. i disagree with the opinion that dean’s this deeply repressed, closeted gay man with so much internalized homophobia he’d give cas a right hook for daring to touch his hand or whatever (and that the cure for what ails him is a good fuck, i guess). that take doesn’t line up with what we know about dean and his growth throughout the show. not to mention, spn is from 2005 when “haha that’s gay, ew” jokes were the norm. it's not free of its writers’ biases (sera gamble, meet me in the pit) and it’s not one of the cvv’s pandering Dare to DefyTM lgbtq+ pieces. the network execs saw spn as it used to be (a show about two brothers fighting monsters), not what it irrevocably became (found family and queer love), and it’s because of this oversight that the finale suffered. kthnxbye.