#in which case git down wit' ya bad self.

[ghost-chance]

I’ve got another bit of helpful info for y’all today. If you’ve been targeted by a scammer, received an extortion email, or found yourself on the business end of a ransomware virus, you may be ordered to deliver funds to a Bitcoin address. Did you know you can investigate suspicious Bitcoin addresses and report addresses connected to scams, viruses, blackmail, and fraud, and for free?

Yep. You can investigate and report Bitcoin accounts connected to illegal activities for free.

Here’s my story. (Skip if you want, but it’s good for a laugh.)

I needed a password reset, didn’t receive the email, and checked my junk folder. There was no password reset email but there was a letter from a spoofed email address. Apparently the sender got control of my computer’s built-in webcam and recorded me, shall we say, enjoying offensive sites a little too much; I was ordered to send a certain amount of money to a provided Bitcoin address within 48 hours to prevent my respected colleagues from realizing just what a nasty little dirty-bird I am. The horror!

Not. This is exactly why, when I first bought this computer, I covered the webcam and only uncover it long enough to replace the tape. I’m a chronic over-thinker and worrywart, and in instances like this, it’s better to have absolutely no doubt about what may or may not have been seen from my webcam. (In this case, we’re talking awkwardness rather than dirtiness. Like...

eating soup and slurping because I’m alone

spilling crumbs down my shirt and shaking them out of my jugs

plucking the grey in my eyebrows while wearing pore-strips and wearing granny hair curlers and listening to music

snot-nosed flu days of whining to my husband over the phone while scrolling through Tumblr

writing fanfiction half-naked because it’s summer in Missouri and it’s too damn hot for clothes - in which case, I would pity anyone who happened to see that.

Falling asleep on my keyboard and drooling, and maybe worst of all,

my cat’s dirty naked butt flashing the webcam because he demanded attention mid-edits and I refused to comply.

Yep. I live a wild life. It’s hilarious. You know what’s even more hilarious, though? If my webcam was hacked and it was capable of functioning without light, this is what it would see:

...okay, you got me. That’s not exactly what they’d see, but you get the picture. I stuck a pair of smiley-type stickers on the tape before applying it to protect the lens and mic from the stickiness. Last time, it was something else, I think a flower or something; next time the tape wears off, I think I’ll draw up a stylized cat butthole and use that instead. What can I say? I can be a troll when no one will ever know what I’ve done. I have no shame. I think I’m funny and sometimes, that’s what counts.

The problem is, not everyone will have my borderline-paranoid preventative measures, so not everyone will have that kind of security. Fear not! Here’s what you need to do:

Locate, select, and copy the Bitcoin address. Don’t worry about the email address, it’s probably spoofed.

Plug that address into THIS SITE -- https://bitcoinwhoswho.com/ -- and see if it provides any useful information. You should see something like this:

If you’re just checking up on the validity of an account, you should be able to get some idea of that from what’s shown. If you have even more reason to believe the account needs a good spanking - or more likely, the owner tried to scam/blackmail/extort/trick/etc you, proceed to THIS page: https://www.bitcoinabuse.com/ where you should find this report form:

Note that it helpfully supplies you with a dummy address to further illustrate what number you’re looking for. Select from the types of abuse:

Ransomware

Blackmail scam

Sextortion

Darknet Market

Bitcoin tumbler (wow, this site banned titties but it still has its own version of naughtiness! ...just kidding. Tumblr has no e.)

or if none of that fits, select other.

Note that the Abuser and Description fields are mandatory. If the previous site showed an unnamed wallet and the rake never told you his name after your dalliance, you can just put something like “don’t know” or “didn’t say.” Keep in mind, no personally identifying information in the Description box and it has a character limit. (I don’t recall what the limit is; 2k, maybe?)

Lastly,

Prove that you’re human by clicking the little box any well-programmed robotic arm can deceive, and submit your report.

And there you have it - you just reported the troublemaker who threatened to show your hoohah to the world without ever actually seeing it. Congratulations. Now start covering up your webcam when you’re not using it and join the League of Extraordinary Smartasses; we have Sweet-Tarts.

[conretewings]

No Place For Kids

A short story involving one very desperate youth and a gang leader’s attempts to break the cycle he couldn’t escape... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-A deathly quiet had fallen over the room, the only sounds now coming from the constant, distant drum of rain on the roof and the noise of grunts in other parts of the mansion. Guzma leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees as he stared hard at the nervous-looking young boy in front of him.

“What did you just say, kid?”

The boy swallowed and dared to meet his piercing gray eyes for just a moment before looking back down, “I-I want to j-join Team Skull.”

Guzma abruptly stood from his chair and in two strides was standing over him, the boy gasping and stumbling back a step.

With a mirthless laugh he barked, “Tch! You’re scared to even be near me! You should be, but if yer gonna run with us ya gotta be at least tough enough to look me in the face…” he glared down at the boy, who’s eyes were glued to the floor and frowned, “Look at me.”

Slowly, trembling the whole time, he raised his head and held Guzma’s gaze, who regarded him critically before reaching out a hand in an attempt to gauge the boy’s height relative to his own. Instantly the kid yelped and threw up his arms to shield his face and neck.

Startled, Guzma yanked his arm back before snapping, “Yo! Calm the fuck down! I ain’t gonna hit a kid! What the hell-”

He froze as the realization started to creep in; the young man’s stance, half-curled up and trying to protect himself as much as possible, shaking and waiting for the blow’s to come…he knew this scene far too well. He took a couple steps away and lowered his voice a bit.

“Hey kid. What’s your name? And for fuck’s sake how old are you? Y’aint even up to my chest.”

Slowly, the boy stood up again and met his eyes with a bit more confidence, “I’m Arin, and I’m twelve.”

Guzma felt his eye twitch as the rage began to bubble up. Stalking past Arin, he threw open his door and bellowed, “PLUMERIA!!”

A few moments later he heard her voice from downstairs, “What?”

“GET YOUR ASS UP HERE NOW!”

It only took a minute for her to reach his room, which she entered casually as he slammed the door behind her before looming over her and jabbing a finger in Arin’s direction.

“What the fuck is a twelve year-old doing here?! Who let him in and how did he get past you?!” he spat furiously.

Plumeria crossed her arms, unfazed by his attempts at intimidating her and pointedly ignoring it, “He didn’t. I told him to go talk to you.”

“What the fuck Plumes?! He’s twelve! Freakin’ TWELVE! This is a gang not a daycare! We ain’t got no room for brats barely outta diapers what the hell were you thinkin’?!”

“Look G,” she sighed, holding up her hands “He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He wouldn’t listen to me, or Tony, or Kaleb, or Annette, or anyone. I finally figured he might listen to you. Or, at least you could scare him off.”

Guzma whipped his head toward Arin, “That true, kid?”

He nodded, “Everyone kept telling me no, b-but I really wanted to, so…Plumeria, right? She told me that if I wanted in that bad I had to talk to you.”

Guzma slapped a hand over his face and grumbled a string of muffled obscenities while stalking back to his chair and grabbing a half-empty bottle from it’s base. Flopping back down, he drained part of it in one long swallow before glaring at Arin again.

“No. That’s my final say. Now git. If ya can’t remember where the door is, Plumes’ll be happy to kick you out it.”

Arin drew a deep, shaky breath before standing up straight and doing his best glare back at Guzma with a surprising amount of ferocity, “I’m not leaving.”

“Yes you are ya little shit-stain now get outta my face. Go home. This ain’t no place for kids.”

Arin dropped his gaze again, “…I can’t go home.”

“The hell does that mean?”

“It means I can’t go home.”

Guzma slammed his fist on his chair, “Listen, smartass! I will personally throw ya out the nearest window if ya keep it up. Now whattaya mean?”

“It means I can’t go home! I won’t!” the boy was yelling now and holding his head, “I’m not going back to hearing how much of a failure and a retard I am, to being either ignored or screamed at, to-to getting beat whenever I breathe the wrong way!”

That tense quiet settled over the room again, and Plumeria caught Guzma’s gaze, giving him a knowing look as she noticed his pained, livid expression.

Drawing a deep breath, Arin glanced at them both before explaining, “My dad’s always been…hard on me. But when I failed my Island Challenge, things got really awful. I can’t leave my room most of the time and when I do it gets…bad. I…” he swiped a hand across his eyes to dry them before squaring his shoulders and raising a fist, “I want to re-take it! I’m a better trainer now, and I know I could do it. But my folks keep telling me not to bother, that I’ll just screw up again! But I won’t! And-and that’s why I need to join you! To get even stronger so I can win and show everyone who doubted me that I’m not worthless!”

For just a moment, Arin vanished, and Guzma saw himself in the boy’s place; young, angry, disheartened, beaten down but still determined to come out ahead. His eyes flicked to Plumeria, who’s own were with clouded with uncertainty and pity.

She stepped over to Guzma, bending so she could talk quietly into his ear, “Babe, I know what you’re thinking. This kid is goin’ through some serious shit, but there ain’t no way he’s got any place here. I don’t know what to do. We can’t just send him back to that...”

“We ain’t gonna. I have an idea.” he murmured, giving her hand a quick squeeze.

He stood again, approached Arin and knelt down so they were eye-to-eye. There was nothing he could do for his past self, but maybe he could help this boy in the present.

“Look. Yer not joinin’ us. I meant what I said, this ain’t no place for kids,” he noted how Arin glowered at his feet and clenched his fists, “Ya wanna know why else? ‘Cause you still have a chance. All of us? This is it. This is rock bottom and there ain’t no place to go from that. You? You still got a shot at makin’ somethin’ of yourself. I saw how passionate ya were just then, talkin’ about your dream of completin’ your Island Challenge. Don’t let that kind of spunk and determination flicker out.”

Slowly, Arin looked up at him, his face twisted with despair and anger but touched with surprise at Guzma’s words, “I don’t have anyplace to go, and I am not going home.”

“Yeah, yeah I know. I can’t do anything else to help ya, but I know someone who can.”

-Nanu craned his neck from his spot on his couch to look at his suddenly ringing phone. A couple Meowth looked up in vague interest before going back to grooming or napping. Finally, when he realized it was just going to keep ringing if he didn’t deal with it, he groaned and hauled himself to his feet, absently setting his coffee mug on a nearby desk and picking up the receiver. “Hello?”

“Hey. I uh…I got a favor I need to ask.”

Nanu sighed, “Nice to talk to you too, Guzma. If you’re in jail again I’m not helping.”

“Oh-eat my ass, old man!”

“No thanks, and if you’re looking for a favor, talking to me like that isn’t helping.”

“….The favor ain’t for me.”

-It was nearly a month later when Guzma half-walked, half-stumbled down the road, managing to hold bottles in each hand as he sang loudly and made his way to Nanu’s place.

Reaching the door he leaned against the frame and used his knee to ‘knock’. “Heeeey ya crazy old cat man! It’s ya boy! Lemme in I got beer!”

The door opened and Nanu looked him up and down with his usual tired, morose expression. Guzma’s hair was a complete disaster, covered in glitter and what appeared to be Silly String. A huge, lop-sided grin was plastered on his face as he slumped against the door.

“’Sup?” he slurred.

Nanu sighed, “I’m pretty sure I could hear you guys all the way from here. Well, come in.”

He stepped aside and allowed Guzma to stagger in and flop onto the couch, displacing several hissing Meowth in his wake. Still chuckling, he held up one of the bottles he had.

“Didn’t feel right leavin’ you outta the party so I thought I’d come down and share. C’mon! Have a beer with me! It’s the good stuff!”

Nanu considred the offered bottle for a moment before saying, “I’m not sure it’s a good idea for a police officer to accept stolen goods.”

Guzma looked almost offended, “Yo! I just got paid, and bought these fair and square! I swear!” then his face lit up again, “Heh heh, that rhymed! Even drunk I still got it!”

Nanu’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly; he knew full well where that ‘pay’ had come from, and made a mental note to check up with his contacts within Aether later. For now, he had to admit a beer sounded refreshing, and the fact that it was coming from that woman’s dime made it sound even sweeter.

At last, he shrugged and took it, sitting down next to the gang leader. “Thanks.”

“Eeeyyyyy! There ya go!” crowed Guzma, “Heh, we haven’t had a beer together in ages! A toast! To uh…” he scratched his chin, absently picking some Silly String from his scruff, “To…shit. I had somethin’…”

“How about to your friend, Arin?” Nanu suggested.

“Who? Ain’t none of my crew named Arin.”

“I mean the boy you called in a 'favor’ about a while back.”

Guzma paused with his bottle halfway to his mouth, the realization creeping into his expression. Slowly lowering it, he stared at Nanu briefly before leaning back and turning his gaze to the nearest window, his smirk slowly fading. After a moment he asked, "How’d the little dude make out?"

“Technically I’m not really supposed to discuss these kinds of cases, but considering you’re quite drunk I trust you’re not going to go blabbing it anyway-if you remember anything,” he ignored Guzma’s muttered curses and began to explain, “Child Services was sent to the house and well...you were right. Arin was definitely being abused.”

“I fucking KNEW IT!” snarled Guzma, hurling his empty bottle so hard it cracked into several pieces upon impact with the wall, “The way he acted, the shit he said-fuck,” he whirled toward Nanu, his eyes ablaze, “Please tell me-”

Nanu calmly held up a hand, “It was dealt with. Arin is now living with relatives on another island, and his father is not allowed to see him. I checked in about a week ago, and he’s doing very well. He plans on re-taking his Island Challenge soon.”

Guzma let out a long, deep sigh. His shoulders relaxed and he stood, slowly pacing around the small building, hands shoved in his pockets. He couldn’t help but think; what if someone had noticed his situation? He glanced down at the heavy gold chain around his neck, and suddenly it felt a lot heavier. If things had turned out differently, would he still be wearing this? Standing here? He shook his head, stuffing the darkness back down as he always did. Nanu waited patiently until he turned back to him and spoke.

“Yo. Thanks, old man.”

Nanu shrugged casually, secretly enjoying hearing the sincere gratitude, “He’s a good kid. He’ll be alright...” he paused, unsure if he should open this can of worms but deciding it was probably okay in the man’s current state, “I just wish that someone had done the same for you.”

Instantly, the mood in the room changed. Guzma froze, whipping his head toward him, eyes wide, his face an unnerving cross between alarmed and furious, “What’s that mean huh? The fuck does that mean?”

Nanu squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, realizing he’d messed up but knowing there was no backing out, “It means I wish someone had spoken up on your behalf when you were younger and had to go through what Arin has...who knows? Maybe you would-”

“WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU THAT?!” Guzma exploded so loudly all the the Meowth laying around yowled and scrambled over each other to run out the door, “THAT SHIT AIN’T NO ONE’S FUCKIN’ BUSINESS! I swear when I find the-”

“You did.”

Breathing heavily, fists clenched as if ready to fight an enemy who wasn’t there, or the phantoms of his nightmares, Guzma asked, “What?”

Nanu repeated himself, “You did. I don’t think you realize just how much you talk when you’re drunk. One night, kind of like this one, you came down here and told me all about your life growing up. You talked for what had to have been a couple hours before you passed out on the couch. When I got up you were still sleeping, so I left you some coffee before I took off.”

Guzma was now sitting again, hunched over and hands clenched in his hair, “Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck...I don’t remember tellin’ ya any a’ that...”

“Of course not. You were so drunk I doubt you would.”

He looked up, glaring furiously at the older man, “Ya didn’t repeat none of it right? “Cause I don’t need no one pryin’ into my shit or feelin’ sorry for me.”

“I didn’t. Frankly, what good would it do? You’ve already made yourself the most hated person in Alola. A tragic backstory wouldn’t make people despise you any less.”

Guzma smirked at that, “Heh, guess I have. What about you, old man? Do you despise me too?”

“No,” answered Nanu without hesitation, “You’re a pain in my ass sometimes but I don’t hate you.”

Chin resting in his hands, Guzma regarded him curiously. Though he was still quite hammered, he could tell Nanu was sincere with his words, a notion that both comforted but also greatly confused him; why would anyone not hate him? He could also feel the buzz beginning to wear off and realized he should be getting back before he ended up passing out on the couch again, or worse, blabbing any more about his youth. On the other hand, Nanu didn’t seem to care all that much that he had. Maybe he had found someone he could...

He squeezed his eyes shut. No.

Standing, he put on the biggest, most confident grin he could and gestured to the other two bottles he had brought, “Well, I better get home. Can’t leave the kids too long, ya know? They’ll rip the place apart, worse than it already is. Thanks for havin’ a beer with me.You can keep those. They’re on the house,” his smile faltered for just a second, “And uh, thanks for letting me know Arin’s okay. I’ll keep it to myself if ya keep the shit I said quiet, cool?”

Nanu nodded, “Of course.”

Guzma absently scratched at his neck, “That’s that I guess. Later, old man.”

“Yeah. Take care.”

As he passed through the door, he heard Nanu say behind him, “And sober up for Arceus sake.”

“Oh, bite me!” Guzma huffed, nearly slamming the door.

Nanu grinned smugly, gently scratching the Meowth that had come back and jumped into his lap.