#in the soul-deep ache that craves to just Be Done and rest. preferably in someone else's arms
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i am awake in the middle of the night because Thoughts are Keeping Me Up
i do not wish to be awake with Thoughts
#vent#i guess#i am so fucking tired#and not just in the 'need sleep' way.#in the soul-deep ache that craves to just Be Done and rest. preferably in someone else's arms#let them carry my burdens for a moment. let them hold me and shield me from it all#is that too much to ask.....? heh. sure seems like it most days#mono should go the fuck to bed
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OS: Dangerous meddling
Requested? Yes l No
By: //
Pairing: John Boyega x African/Black plus sized reader
Summary: Some dangerous meddling results in John’s life being on the line
Warning(s): language, crying
Word count: 2,607
Picture(s) found on: Pinterest/Google
“I just find it weird that your ex knows where we were yesterday while celebrating our one year anniversary, [Y/N]!” John loudly expressed before rolling his eyes when you shrugged your shoulders in frustration again. “I don’t know either, I haven’t talked to Joe in three years!”.
Your boyfriend let out a low hum and just shook his head, looking at you sitting on his couch.What was supposed to be your amazing anniversary dinner had turned into your ex popping up with an engagement ring and almost fighting John to “prove his love to you”. The three of you got kicked out of the fancy restaurant and John couldn’t even look at you the rest of the evening.
You ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom but not being able to close your eyes for a split second as this was the second time your ex had somehow found out where you lived and where exactly you were out and about with John. And the weirdest thing was that he appeared always after you’d visit your maybe soon-to-be mother in law as she’d try to make you break up with John.
He had explained many times that he preferred letting his mother know about his relationships once they turned serious because she had the tendency to become very overprotective and find a reason to dislike any female he brought home to her. Having gotten the heads up was nice because once you met John’s mother, she immediately went for the kill and voiced how she hated the way you dressed, spoke and just literally existed in this world. His father had to actually pull his wife to the side and remind her that she was doing way too much for having met you just a minute ago.
You tried your hardest to get her to like you because you loved your own family and wanted to start one with John once he’d put a ring on your finger. You had no idea what you had done wrong but ever since he had introduced you to his mother three weeks ago, your life had turned into a dramatic soap opera.
The fact that she hated you for no real reason slowly began to get to your head and you were currently at a state where you avoided visiting her and John having to beg you to join him as he wanted to make peace in between the two most important women in his life.
“Babe...Please believe me. I’m just so done with this shit. We were supposed to celebrate our love and discuss or future together but instead it all ended up in a shit show” you begged and let out a tired sigh. You hated feeling so distant from your lover as you wanted nothing more for him to hug you, kiss you and take you to his bed and makeup for the time you had lost the day before.
“I believe you, my Queen...I’m just afraid that you’ll leave me for Joe. I was projecting and I wholeheartedly apologize for that” and with that you quickly stood up and rushed over to your boyfriend who already was grinning at you, nothing but pure love and joy sparkling in his eyes as he wrapped his arms around your thick waist and slowly inhaled your delicate scent. This was one of the many reasons why you loved John so much, the two of you never raised your voices at one another. Always talked every issue through like adults and knew when to put your pride and ego aside and just know that you had messed up wanted to do better next time.
The world stopped for a moment as you felt safe and at home again in his arms. Your heart fluttered in your chest as your stomach churned in delight, your body mind and soul loving every sensation you felt when being so close to the man who had your whole heart. You hated arguing with him but making up was the best part of it all as you always grew closer as a couple and evolved individually.
“I love you” John gently whispered while smiling down at you, his gorgeous face making you copy his actions. “ I love you too”. Seconds later, your plump lips met in a tender kiss that soon enough developed into something more needy and heated. Your boyfriend didn’t hesitate to pick you up and slowly walk you out of his living room while his lips continued to leave you breathless and craving for his body moving on top of yours.
~~~
“Mom, why would you do that?!” John desperately demanded while his mother was held her back by the shoulders by him, she huffed in anger while glaring daggers at you. You stood frozen on the spot, your newly bought blouse covered in red wine and your eyes staring back into her hatred filled ones. Grace, John’s sister was trying her best to save your blouse with a wet kitchen cloth while apologizing in the name of her mother, the anxiety and nervousness radiating off her like direct sun rays.
“I really don’t know what has gotten into her, [Y/N]. Please forgive her, I know deep down that she likes you but I can’t explain you why she’s acting this way” her words weren’t helping you at all, only increased your mind into thinking of different scenarios to kill her off. You weren’t a violent person but also didn’t let anyone disrespect you like that, especially when you had been nothing but kind and respectful in the first place.
“Your hand slowly balled into a fist and your body began to shake, the pent up emotions of the shit show slowly getting to you. You had spent hours thinking of ways that you somehow had done something bad to Abigail but couldn’t think of something. At the very first encounter, you had bought her some beautiful African Wax Print fabrics that John had highly approved of. He loved that you knew your African roots and ancestry and were able to relate to him in many ways.
You had thought that the beautiful fabrics would make Abigail see that John had gotten himself a good woman as you had continued to introduce yourself and let her know about your job and family a little bit. But the meeting ended in her rolling her eyes at every word that left your lips and her sending you back home with the fabrics.
“Get this woman out of my house!” Abigail suddenly yelled, making everyone jump. The rest of John’s siblings were watching the whole scene from a safe distance, away from the kitchen as they all feared their mother when she was angry.
“ What have I done to you?!” you yelled back.
John’s eyes popped out in surprise as he could see that you had reached your breaking point. Tears were filling your eyes as you began to huff and not let them cascade down your face. Grace threw the cloth to the side and hugged you tightly as the two of you actually had become close friends. She had been your shoulder to cry on whenever you and John were arguing about their mother. He often tried to excuse her behavior but also couldn’t dismiss your feelings and felt stuck, you felt like he was on his mother’s side that hurt like a bitch.
“I-” you took a deep breath and continued to glare at Abigail, “I have done everything to get you to like me! But you still find a new way to disrespect me EVERY TIME you see me! How can it be that you’re quick to criticize everything I do but can’t even tell me or John why you actually hate me??”, your words left her speechless, the kitchen becoming silent as no one spoke a word.
Your boyfriend slowly let go of his mom and rushed over to you, Grace stepping aside and watching in sadness how the strongest person she knew was breaking down. John’s heart was aching in his chest as he realized that he taken the wrong side. His mother had been nothing but disrespectful and mean to you and he couldn’t say why. Had he asked his mother why she hated your guts?
Yes.
Did he get a proper answer?
Nope. Only more “reasons” to break up with you as you were “nothing but pure evilness”. She always had so much to say before concluding her rants with how much she loved her son and didn’t want him to settle down with the wrong woman.
The only problem was that this behavior was nothing new to the Nigerian actor. Abigail would always let her claws out and try to cut any woman he introduced to her. They either were “money hungry” or “clout chasers” and that was the reason why he waited until he was serious with someone before he’d let them meet his mother.
“I am so sorry, babe” he apologized in your ear and hugged you tight, frowning when you clung onto his broad shoulders and let out a shaky sigh. You clenched your eyes shut and tried to calm down at his touch, a part of you being very disappointed at yourself as your mother had taught you to never raise your voice at an elder. But fuck it, respect had to be earned, not demanded.
“See how she’s trying to break this family apart?! Leave her, John before she’ll get access to your money and spend it all!” Abigail yelled out and tried to charge towards you but her husband rushed in to stop her from reaching you.
“That’s enough” he calmly said and turned to you, shaking his head in disappointment. “ Take her home, son. Your mother and I have some things to talk about” he then turned to you and gave you a sympathetic smile “I’m sorry, [Y/N]”. With that, John pulled away from you and let Grace hug you one last time before she got your purse and gave it to you. The silence continued to fill up the thick tension while you were gently led out of the house, the stress leaving you exhausted.
~~~
The last sniffles left your mouth as you slowly lowered your body into the bathtub, the warm water immediately relaxing your tensed muscles. You instantly relaxed and closed your eyes, the events of the day replaying in your head. “You okay, babe?” John gently asked from the toilet seat. He was just staring at you with sadness and disappointment clouding his eyes. He felt like he had betrayed you and was silently promising to make it up to you.
The events from earlier on was something he would never forget, it made him realize that not only was he ready to settle down with you, he was ready to marry you and expand your family of two to three and maybe more. He had felt it since meeting you for the first time. The Nigerian actor wanted nothing more but peace and harmony in his life and he was ready to do anything to get it.
“ I’m good” you mumbled, your eyes still closed, your brain tuning out the rest of the world and him included. He nodded his head before standing up and giving you some space. He knew that that’s what you needed right now.
Once he had walked out of the bathroom and closed the door behind him, he made his way to his bed and couldn’t help but smile at the new satin sheets and pillows you had gotten him a few days ago. They made his room look even more cozier than before. He loved how he had let you make his home yours too and wanted you to move in with him, or purchase a new house where new memories could be made in.
Just as John had arrived at his bed, his phone that was lying on top of it started to vibrate. He reached down to grab it and looked at the screen, seeing that his mother was calling him. With a frustrated sigh, he swiped over the green phone icon and held it to his ear, not ready for what his mother had to say now.
“John, I want to apologize...”
said Abigail before letting out a sigh. This made the actor frown and look around him like he was being filmed with a hidden camera. He couldn’t believe what was happening and something deep inside him told him that his mother’s words weren’t true.
“You need to do more than just say this mom. You disrespected the love of my life on every occasion”, the anger slowly began to bubble up inside him again. He loved you to death and now had realized that if he’d have to put some distant in between his mother and him in order for you to be comfortable, he immediately would do it.
“I know that I’ve been acting crazy but I don’t want to lose you, my son. Please tell me how I can redeem myself”.
John let out a long sigh, he felt torn. He knew that putting you and his mom in one room could lead to another bad interaction but on the other hand, she owed you MANY apologies. He let his mind wander for a few moments.
“Prove you really are sorry and ready to accept [Y/N] as my girlfriend by coming by tomorrow and genuinely apologizing to her. I want you to mean it and do better in the future because I’m going to marry her”.
Abigail gasped softly to herself, being surprised at the new fact she just had learned. The other line was silent as John patiently waited for her to speak. So, she swallowed the feelings bubbling up in her stomach and muttered a slow, “ I will do as you ask” before wishing her son a good night and ending the call.
John locked his phone and dropped it onto the bed before doing the same thing with his body, feeling the stress of today’s events slide into the back of his mind and new worries of how tomorrow’s meeting might go fill up his head.
While he stared up the ceiling and thought of every single thing that could go wrong the next day, [Y/N] was standing at the other end of the bathroom door with her hand stopping herself from making a sound, having listened to the phone conversation and hearing for the very first time her beloved boyfriend wanted to marry her. The delicate sensations she felt from those few words left her emotional and happy...
To be continued...?
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-Emmanuelle 💋❤️
#John Boyega#john boyega x reader#john boyega x poc!reader#john boyega x plus size reader#plus size reader
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Congratulations, GREY! You’ve been accepted for the role of EDMUND with a faceclaim change to Daniel Sharman. Admin Rosey: “You are born unwanted, unloved and you have never worked out, not once, why you were kept; why your mother carried you, grew you, bore you just to immediately hand you off to a father for whom you were little more than a curse.“ Never before have I witnessed something so potently Edmund from the first. You bring a vitality and earnestness to him that makes him so incredibly endearing, even though there’s always that hint of the monster that lies beneath. Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.
WELCOME TO THE MOB.
OUT OF CHARACTER
Alias | Grey
Age | 32
Preferred Pronouns | She/Her
Activity Level | Currently I’m off work on extended medical leave (unknown end date), so mostly don’t have any major claims on my time and should be able to be around most days. With that said, medical issues and meds will crop up from time to time however I believe things have settled down enough to allow me to return to the rp.
Timezone | Sydney AEST (GMT+10)
How did you find the rp? | Blame Rogue. Always.
Current/Past RP Accounts | I briefly played Benvolio here last year until health issues got in the way!
IN CHARACTER
Character | Edmund/Easton Craven.
Easton - You have to wonder, don’t you, what they thought when they picked your name. Easton. Town in the East. A name basically devoid of meaning, of hope for what you’d grow into. They didn’t wish you valor or prosperity or happiness or any of a hundred actual meanings, oh no - that all goes to your brother the brave boar. Of course it does – you were never wanted, so why should they want anything for you?
Craven - Oh, you know it’s origins in the Gaelic Ó Crabháin (Son of Crabháin) , or perhaps the far less noble Welsh Craf (garlic) but you can’t but help take a certain vicious, raw and ironic pleasure in the fact that it’s co-incidentally also a synonym of coward. In your mind you hiss it, hurl it at the portrait of your father – but all that escapes your tight throat is a quiet whisper, with a tinge of longing for the way the name sits so tidily on Gabriel and Everett’s shoulders ( but then, it was never made for you ).
Edmund - This name fits far easier on your brow than the two before – but then, this one was chosen with you in mind. This one you have earned with blood and pain, whatever cost they asked was met to carve out this space, this place where you belong. Rich Protection is what you are now, guarding the Capulets with whispers, with secrets, with blood and bullets.
(I’d like to request a face claim change to Daniel Sharman if I could!)
What drew you to this character? |
You are born unwanted, unloved and you have never worked out, not once, why you were kept; why your mother carried you, grew you, bore you just to immediately hand you off to a father for whom you were little more than a curse. He keeps you out of the same twisted sense of honour that your very existence besmirches – does that “honour” do anything except ruin lives?
So much pain caused for one man’s already shredded virtue. In taking you in, Gabriel put his own selfishness above his family a second time – his play at penance means more to him than the hurt it costs his wife, the happy life you might have led if he had simply allowed you to be adopted by another family who actually wanted you. But then, how could he pat himself on the back about having done the right thing? In birth, you have learned a lesson you will not understand until you are grown – honour is simply a pretentious word for hubris.
( You are never wanted, never fitting; a jigsaw piece mixed into the wrong puzzle. )
You grow up chasing scraps of approval and warmth the way a donkey chases a carrot on a stick – in your mind, always close enough to grasp in another step and in reality always out of reach. Time and time again you take your pictures, your books, the homework your tutor praised to him and are met each time with the closed door of his study. Sometimes, if you wait long enough ( back aching from the perfect posture your father demands of you ) he will glance at one briefly, and you feel the warmth of the sun on your face, but it is quickly chased away by the cloud of criticisms that invariably follow. Each time you swear to yourself that next time your father will smile and tell you you have done well, and each time you return as empty handed as the last.
Your step-mother is never cruel, only distant and cold, but you are too young to understand the difference, to see that she walls herself off from you only to protect herself from what you represent ( and later, you will see it, the way they all protected themselves without worrying about protecting you and you will learn it well and hard that people look out only for themselves ). You are four when you call her ‘Mama’ for the first time, crying over your grazed knee, and her sweeping exit from the room is perhaps the clearest of your young memories, the words ‘Non sono tua madre’ falling dead and flat over her shoulder as she goes.
( You have been cold for so long that you start to think that even the slightest warmth might burn you to ash. )
Want curdles into bitter envy in your stomach as you realise what bastardo truly means: that the light that shines so brightly upon your brother will never fall upon you. That nothing you ever do will be enough to remove the bloody stain of your birth from the spotless white carpet of the Craven family. The acidic green bile burns through you, a sharp chemical taste in your mouth for years as it hollows you out, echoing caverns of craving in its wake until you think if you don’t have something then your very foundations will crumble into nothing.
Just when you think the last of your supports is washing away with the caustic tide you find something new to fill you to the brim. Liquid molten rage cascades into those raw-cut caverns, tumbling flames through your veins that leave scorch marks on your heart and fill your lungs with choking smoke. At first it’s all-consuming, over-whelming, an inferno that threatens to devour you in its intensity and you lash it out at everything around you; venting the hurt and pain of it at anything within reach. In time you manage to leash it, harnessing the Pyrrhic power of it to your own ends, channelling it in your own directions until you forget what it’s like to not be scalded and scorched from within, until you forget that fire is never meant to be played with.
( You set yourself alight to stop anyone else from striking the match and laugh as your victory pyre consumes you. )
Tl;dr: Fucked up, messed up boys are my brand yo.
( I feel I can pretty much perfectly encapsulate what cleaved my attention so firmly to Easton with that one time where my character inspo boards led pinterest support to send me a concerned email asking if I was okay.)
What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? |
Obviously these are all contingent on the plot, other writers agreement etc etc, and are just ideas.
i. you were destined for the glory / the honor and the fame. / i was destined for the bullet / to be the gun with no name.
Everett has everything Easton has ever wanted, from parents who care to wealth to power to a circle of friends he can fall back on. He has everything that should of been Easton’s, if only Easton had had the sheer luck to have been born to the right woman. Easton never had a chance to shine as he should, buried since birth in his older brother’s darkest shadow, and now he’s clambering for the sun.
It’s the oldest tale in the world, this Cain and Abel fable, and yet Easton seems to be the only one who knows which page they’re on. Everett extends his hand and as much as the elemental fury inside wants to slap it away ( as much as some buried corner of his soul cries out to grasp it in earnest ), Easton rests his palm reluctantly in his brothers for now – after all, how much easier to put a knife in the back of someone who has invited you inside their guard?
ii. the moral of the story is / i will gut you if i need to. / i will carve my way out / with only my teeth.
It’s not that Easton isn’t loyal – in his own way he’s unswervingly loyal to the Capulets. Would he kill for them? Without blinking an eye. Would he die for them, on the other hand? And yet in many ways he defines himself more as Capulet than he does Craven; this allegiance, this new family that he has chosen for himself. When it comes to alternate allegiances, there are none he would so much as waver from the Capulets for; he has chosen the best player in the game and for now he’s content to ride their rise.
The problem is that, at the end of the day, Easton craves power and he craves control and the freedom that he believes comes with being at the top of the pyramid. He doesn’t see the chains that come with it, that bind Rafaella, Tiberius and Juliana with duty; only the way people jump to their words, scrape bows in their direction. And the Capulets may be a metaphorical extended family but at the same time they’re also, at their core, a very specific blood family and he can see the ceiling above him that his half-blooded Craven name will never let him rise past. Even the most loyal dog can bite and one day the Capulets may find that the dog they thought trained is actually a wolf - and that when you unleash a dog on your enemies it’s not always willing to be re-collared.
iii. when you are not fed love / on a silver spoon / you learn to / lick it off knives.
Affection is a difficult concept for someone who’s experienced so little of it in his life. On the one hand, he hungers for it; a deep insatiable need for the way his father’s hand rests proudly on Everett’s shoulder, the way Margherita had looked at her son, for soft hands to stroke his brow when he’s sick or a shoulder at the end of the day. But those are things for people who are worthwhile, who matter, and if Easton’s life has taught him anything it’s that he is deserving of nothing ( as much as he tries to yell into that void that he is deserving of everything ).
On the other, he approaches affection with the same wary fear as a dog that’s been kicked a time too many; to feel affection for something is to expose a vulnerable point to his enemies, a weakness for them to exploit – to say nothing of the self-destruct code he would hand to object of said affection, that he may as well be baring his throat to their blade when they inevitably realise how unworthy he is.
And so he tries to lock it away, snaps and bites at anyone who gets too close to keep a clear arms length around himself, and allows the loneliness to eat at him unabated.
Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | Absolutely! I live and breathe for angst so as long as it comes at a time that makes me and everyone else bawl about it, go for it!
IN DEPTH
January 2012 (19 years old) Munich
Easton wonders what he’d expected, all those times he’d typed her name into google, deleted it and re-typed it a few days later. Whatever dream had prompted him to finally follow through, whatever holes he might have hoped to fill, he’d known it was a mistake the moment he’d stepped out of the airport.
Now, seated in this bright, cheerful kitchen, he’s sure of it.
“ So you’re him then. The child. ” Her hand closes for a moment around the golden cross that hangs around her neck, knuckles whitening for a moment as though gripping it tighter might ward off his presence here, in her life. How many rosaries had she said to absolve herself of his birth, to absolve herself of him? ( And he knows that they both know it will never be enough. )
Her throat bobs for a moment as she swallows. “ You have his eyes. ”
His jaw clenches a little at the reminder, at the way she’s already dissociating herself from him, abstaining any responsibility. Not my, but the. As if she’d had nothing to do with it. With him.
“ Yeah. ” The silence thickens for a moment, suffocating the room until he can almost feel it straining his lungs. “ You’re her then. you’re… ” What? My mother? Gabriel’s ex-whore? The one who abandoned me?
He’d always assumed he must look like his mother; the only comments he ever got about Gabriel were his eyes. But at this moment, the most familiar thing about her face is the same closed, guarded expression that Margherita and his father had always worn when they looked at him.
“ They told me you were dead. ”
Ingrid nods, as though she’d expected as much. and her eyes flick to the clock on the wall behind him. Past her, on the door of the fridge, he can see the bright primary colours of a child’s painting, photos of her with a man and three small children, and for a minute it’s a kick in the gut that he struggles to draw breath past. In Verona he’s nothing but the one who destroyed a family and here he’s just the ticking time bomb waiting to do it again.
He stands abruptly, the chair clattering back loudly against the tiles. “ This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come. ” His fists clench at his sides, nails digging into his palms to counteract the ringing rush of hurt and anger. “ Sorry. ”
“ Easton. ” It’s the first time she’s called him by name, and he stutters in place, nails digging harder into his palms. “ I assume you want answers and I suppose - ” She won’t meet his eyes. “ - I suppose I owe you that much. ”
EXTRAS
Headcanons:
- Easton secretly likes to paint, and its one of the few things he has that provides him a sense of peace. Still, it feels like a vulnerability, a crack in his armour, and he guards the knowledge of it fiercely and warily, trusting it to no one. He scrubs his skin almost raw after each session, getting off every trace of oils that he can, because it’s far far easier and safer to explain blood in his knuckles or under his nails than paint. It’s so ingrained that the scouring ritual is almost a vital part of the process, a cleansing of more than just the paint. The vast majority of his paintings end up destroyed upon creation, because for all the peace he manages to find in creating them, when they’re finished he sees nothing but the flaws picked out in Gabriel’s voice.
- Pinterest Board
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The 5 times Tamaki accidentally confessed to Mirio and the one time he didn’t have to
Mini Series Part IV
4.
Thud. Thud. Thud. The sound of knuckles knocking against the hardwood door beckons me to get up, but the weight of disappointment clinging to my heart keeps my feet rooted to the tiled floor and back against the ceiling mere centimeters away.
“No one is here” I reply, which people will probably take as a joke, because clearly someone has said something, but if you know me, then you know that I am hardly joking. No one is a reflection of how I am not anyone worthy. Just a nobody who can’t measure up to the standards of such a prestigious school and should have never gotten accepted in the first place. I am a waste of space. A nobody. No One.
“Well, I thought it would be in no one’s best interest to know that they seem to have forgotten about their prime member who is also feeling like utter shit and would actually like his best friend to talk to... At least for now, before he has to smile and pretend he’s okay to all of his family watching back home...” that carefully guarded voice finally breaks near the end and with a deep breath, I rise up and twist the door knob open.
Pulling the door behind me almost feels instinctual with him; like I’m always shedding another layer that I usually have mountains of when it comes to other people. Yet, with him I find myself bearing my soul, even at times when I feel like I am sinking, slipping away into a nobody. Maybe it’s because when I open the door, his eyes don’t smile at me like everyone’s does in that reflection of pity and concern. No. He never once considers me as someone weak, or beneath him in some level. He sees me as an equal, someone who despite their own demons can be a shoulder to cry on and can be strong enough for the both of us.
And surely enough when the door is wide enough for my head to peak out, his eyes are not on me. They are downcast on the floor, shoulders sagging heavy like the frown I know is on his face. He isn’t just here to check up on me, but also to confide in me. No one gives me that power to heal and people won’t believe how much I crave to be needed sometimes.
“Mirio--” I cry out, feeling the dry scratch of my vocal cords after I abandoned all forms of comfort in favor of sitting here in the pool of my own loneliness and regrets.
“Tamaki, how have I fallen so behind? I can’t believe that there’s such a wide gap between me and the rest of our class when in the beginning the possibilities were infinite...” Mirio clenches his fist, face finally rising above mine in utter dismay. There are wrinkles on his forehead, far more than I have ever seen before, his blue button eyes blurring from tears begging to be released and cheeks red from boiling over in frustration. He blinks hard, eyes finally letting the water escape and sighs deeply, further letting go of all the pent up emotions he’s been keeping to himself.
Once again, I am baffled by how comfortable Mirio is with me. How can he not spare himself? Even just a little bit, so I don’t see all the imperfections or the rawness of his core? My heart sinks deeper, burying itself beneath the ground with all his pain that I know so well and fear more than anything. Yet, here he is unashamed with being seen. Something I could never ever do and which is why I was in the class room by myself in the first place.
Feeling like I might also start losing myself in the dulling ache of dissatisfaction, I stop myself from overthinking and wrap my arm around him in an embrace that feels unbalanced with the way my arm can barely engulf him, meanwhile his arms are still at his sides. I slowly move my hand up and down his back, and Mirio relaxes into me with his head resting on my shoulder.
“I know... It’s like no matter how much you try to catch up, you just end up three steps back from where you started. Always running to an end you will never reach” my eyes start welling up again and I can’t just hear the sounds of the crowd filling my ears like in the arena, but I can also feel the cameras watching punctiliously and seeing every single bad move I make. I can hear their criticism, see the judgment in their eyes and it pulls me deeper into the side of my mind that only knows self-destruction.
“With the way I’m going, that’s a sure bet” Mirio falters and for once the sadness overpowers his sunny skies. It’s like a dark angry cloud has drove the sun to a corner and ubiquitously covered the blues above.
But I think people forget that it has to rain sometimes. No one can always have the rays of light in their smile and Mirio isn’t any different. So, I hold him even though my heart is aching just as much as his. I find that sometimes being strong for someone else can fill the emptiness and by the end of it, he’s actually the one holding me. It’s a weird dynamic between us, but I guess the road has always been so bumpy that we just know how to comfort one another or when one of us is reaching his limit.
🌦️🌦️🌦️
“Ugh. You two better not start again! Especially you Amajiki! Or I’m gonna wind slap you so hard, you’ll be smiling for the rest of your happy life!” Hadou warns wagging her accusatory pointer finger first at Mirio and then at me. “We have done enough damage for the rest of our lives! And I want nothing more but big fake smiles on your handsome faces, got it?” she glares at both of us hard, testing our mental stability. Then, at no sign of us breaking down any minute, she smiles and slips naturally in between.
She encircles her left arm around my right arm and her right around Mirio’s left, connecting us into a bond that started ever since our very first Sports Festival at UA.
We didn’t do so well then either and one sad retreat into the grassy fields outside became three frustrated individuals crying their disappointed hearts out. Of course I was the one sad male who started it all, ‘a natural trendsetter’ Mirio would joke, which actually got Hadou to laugh out loud and broke the triangle of sadness that reigned on us.
Mirio found me right after his group match elimination and we just laid on the greenery, while we watched the clouds drift by like in middle school. Hadou came along by accident and just like a gush of fresh air, she brought many revelations to light.
“Hey! hey! did you know that when the olympics were still a thing, students our age who also competed had to face the pressure of millions of people scrutinizing their every move??” she pats both of our arms to get our attention, not that her being with us was already news enough...well mostly to me.
“You don’t say?” Mirio commented used to amusing Hadou’s little bits of trivia she loved to throw in every chance she got.
“Oh sure! Many of them also couldn’t shake off the high standards expected of them and some even took years to finally cope with the pressure! But that didn’t mean adults didn’t slip up once in while or got stuck in a rut in their competitions, you know? So, really this--” she gestured vaguely at us being outside and the rest of the world focused at Sports Festival inside. “Is actually quite conventional” she supplied with a small smile.
“I mean we’re still human” she continued as she flipped her blue bangs away from her face, brought her hands together and hugged her legs in a tight squeeze. “And mistakes will always happen, but it’s how we learn to get around them that really tests our capabilities as future heroes” she sighed like she was physically shrugging off all her tribulations and then resolutely laid down between us with her arms stretched out.
Mirio and I looked at each other, mouth agape and for the first time of knowing Hadou did we finally saw through her. She wasn’t just a curious busybody that everyone pegged her for. She was insightful and curious because she loved to learn and understand the things around her. She was also the only one that intrigued Mirio enough to learn some of our lessons, which was no easy task since Mirio generally preferred to be out in the field.
I guess people just never gave her enough credit and for guys like me and Mirio, that was something we knew all too well. So, that was basically how the Nobody’s Only Club was born. We really started it to cheer ourselves up after a not so successful first try at the Sports Festival, but it became this support group that reminded us we weren’t alone. And with that we just inherently became good friends.
“C’mon you guys! Yuyu is probably on her way to the HW by now” Hadou drags us both and I almost trip over them not aware that we’ve been walking this whole time and now approaching the school’s gate.
“We’re going to HW?” I ask, confused and Hadou slaps Mirio’s arm twice.
“I told you he was zoning us out” Hadou shakes her head at me, while Mirio shrugs at her and mouths an “I tried” at me. I have a terrible habit of being in my own head a lot and sometimes it stems from me not wanting to be part of the conversations in the first place. Hadou thinks I should practice talking with them anyway, while Mirio fills in the silence and covers for me when he knows I’ve drifted.
“Sorry Hadou. I’m still working on it, but why are we going to HW? I thought--”
“Well after you told me Mirio has ‘the voice of an angel’ I figured we should go get some chicken and sing our hearts out at the new Karaoke place a few stores down!” she wraps her arms around us and jumps in excitement. Meanwhile, I choke on air and start coughing, refusing to look at either of them.
Hadou starts patting my back in concern and I steal a quick glance at Mirio, who of course catches me looking at him because I am choking to death. I fight the burning warmth rising on my cheeks and try not to think about the slight tint on his ears. He tilts his head like he doesn’t know what to say about the whole ‘angel’ thing and honestly I don’t either. I didn’t even say that exactly, but I just keep drawing out my cough even though it doesn’t even itch anymore, so I won’t have to say anything at all.
Sometimes you gotta choose your battles and this one just isn’t it.
🍗🍗🍗
Already, distracted by the scenery around us, Hadou talks a mile a minute about all the questions she has for the world. Mirio, being his amicable self either makes a goofy comment about it or actually has an answer to her endless ramble. Meanwhile, I watch the sky above me and pay attention to every single thing being said. I’m nodding when I’m suppose to and letting Hadou swing our connected arms back and forth as we continue our walk.
We fall into a comfortable pace and soon the surrounding trees and the occasional houses are replaced by the tall skyscrapers of all sorts as we move closer to the core of the city. I always liked that UA was up in the hills and away from the stresses of the town. It makes it easier to disconnect from the world sometimes and just focus on our daily hero lessons at hand.
“Hey we’re almost there!” Hadou points out, walking with an extra skip in her step.
“Oh yeahhh! I’m getting pretty hangry too” Mirio wiggles his brows and I chuckle because it reminds me of Johnny Bravo when he is about to do something stupid. Mirio beams at me, happy he made someone laugh and Hadou looks at us like we’re weird.
“It’s like you guys don’t even need words to communicate! How advance~” she comments with a smile that I don’t quite understand. I raise the collar of my uniform and burry my cheeks under them, looking straight ahead.
“Haha! You make us sound like an alien life source!” Mirio laughs, back to his old bubbly self. We keep walking getting closer to the shop until we make a familiar turn over to HW.
Upon spotting Yuyu scrolling through her phone by the entrance, Hadou breaks free from our arms and runs towards her friend. Yuyu clearly amused by her friend’s antics, turns to her side to hide her smirk and pretends she doesn’t hear Hadou approaching her.
Mirio and I trail behind Hadou and we watch as she jumps at Yuyu and screams happily. It definitely scares the people coming out, but Hadou is easily excitable, especially when Yuyu is involved. They hug and exchange greetings like they haven’t seen each other just yesterday. Then, Yuyu waves us down and motions for us to get in.
We find a cozy spot in the back of the store and wait for our order of their large hot wings and drumstick combo with 4 large sides. It’s a little crowded and my skin tingles with nerves, but Yuyu and Hadou keep the conversation going, while Mirio’s fingers drum an unfamiliar beat at the empty table in front of us.
The black plastic buzzer blinks red after 10 minutes and furiously shakes on the table. Mirio does his silly celebratory dance when he’s excited mostly about food and offers to carry our order over to us. Hadou, Yuyu and I stay seated and watch Mirio wait for his turn to get our meal.
“You guys think I should compete at the Beauty Contest again? I kinda don’t want a repeat of last year...” Hadou pouts, dejected eyes now concentrating on the table, which causes Yuyu to stop playing with her long blue hair.
“What do you mean should I? Of course you should Nejire! You’re perfect for the Beauty contest!” Yuyu squeezes Hadou’s shoulders, and Hadou shakes her shoulders to take Yuyu’s hands off.
“You’re only saying that because you’re my friend” she turns her head away from Yuyu and refuses to accept her encouragement.
“Hey! Because I’m your friend, my opinion should matter more! Besides I know you best and I’m sure you can win it this year!” she turns Hadou’s chair to face her and squeezes her cheeks, so she looks up. They stare at each other, both not backing down and I wonder for a moment if I could ever have such a stare down with anyone without feeling like I’m being cut open.
“Fine! That’s one vote” Hadou concedes, smile betraying her, but then she turns her head and looks at me. “What about you Amajiki, what do you think I should do it?” she asks and I feel an immense pressure coming from Yuyu and not just because she’s kindly placed her hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah Amajiki isn’t she perfect for it?” she nods at me, big eyes waiting for me to confirm.
“Well um--- I understand your hesitance Hadou because to Yuyu you can do no wrong, but I also agree that you should give it another try” I smile at her, nervous that the buzzing around the store suddenly dies out once I decide to open my mouth.
“See??? Even Amajiki says yes!” Yuyu jumps and gives me a hi-five I nearly miss. “And you got that right! Nejire is way too cute, so it’s hard to find any fault in her!” she pats Hadous head and Hadou in turn smiles even wider. She hugs me and I nearly jump off my seat from the suddenness, but just let her squeeze tighter anyway.
“But hey! You’re one to talk Amajiki! I believe I recall someone doing the exact same thing when anyone says anything bad about Togata! Like remember that time with Burokku-san?” Yuyu points out, voice louder than it should be in this other random silent moment in the store. I peer over at the cashier and of course that’s when Mirio is taking our order from the cashier’s hands.
“What no-- I-- I didn’t do that-” I stiffen under Hadou’s hold and panic because dammit Mirio is coming right this way and this really isn’t the time.
“OoOoOoh! I remember that! What was it you said again--? Hmmm~~ It was oh-so-very brave and chivalrous too!” Hadou does this elaborate thinking face that nags at my sanity and Yuyu annoyingly winks at me before immersing in her own thoughtful face. Kill me now.
I take a big sigh and stop my legs from shaking under the table. “Fine. I may have shared a worded altercation with that---guy, but that blockhead had it coming and you guys would have done the same” I reply quickly, schooling my features as best as I can, already knowing how they get when I act more flustered. Not this time you two! I won’t let you get to me!
“Oooooh, so you admit you think Togata can do no wrong in your eyes?” Yuyu smirks sealing in her trap and the little control I have over the situation disappears right before my eyes.
“No I--- I never said that!” I jump out my seat startled and can already feel the attention its drawing. I need to leave.
“Never said what?” surely enough that’s when Mirio gets to us with the food neatly packed in a plastic bag and a tray filled with our drinks in his hands. “And why is Tamaki all red?” he turns his head to look at me and I squeak turning away from him.
“I don’t know we were just talking about you and now he’s all flustered” Nejire supplies and I honestly don’t know if she’s still playing with me or just being her regular blunt self. Yuyu laughs all the same and I tighten my hands into fists wishing to disappear. Words of advise; don’t have friends.
“I’m gonna go throw up” I say, speed walking to the bathroom without awaiting their reply and indeed feeling queasy. He didn’t hear anything did he?
“You guys have to stop teasing him so much! ” is the last I hear from Mirio before I drown them out and open the door. I splash my face with water three times and avoid the mirror. I already know I probably look like a tomato. No need to feel worse about it.
I do my sister’s breathing exercises not really sure why I’m even freaking out. It’s nothing. Just mindless teasing. They do this all the time. To me. To Mirio. To other random victims in our class. It’s nothing to freak out about. No. Totally not.
After I feel like the color has drained from my face and I can go outside without turning as red as a well-cooked lobster, I step out of the bathroom and brave myself for more teasing. However, once I step outside the bathroom, Hadou and Yuyu are nowhere to be seen. Mirio though is sitting in our same spot, waving me over.
“Hey Tamaki, are you alright?” Mirio gets up when I finally reach him and I shove my hands into my pocket, so he doesn’t see me shaking a little.
“Yeah I’m great” I lie and I know he knows I’m lying because even to me I sounded unsure.
“They didn’t really tell me what happened, but you know they just like to tease you right?” Mirio opens the door for us even with the bag of food and tray with our sodas in his hands.
“I know… Unfortunately they think it’s fun, but don’t worry, I’m used to it” I reassure him and myself, taking the tray of drinks from his hands as we try to catch up with Hadou and Yuyu way ahead of us already. “It’s just this time--”
Mirio doesn’t say anything, but the way his eyes are following my every word I know he wants to know what was said earlier. I get choked up with the mere thought of almost telling him of all freaking people and try to think of something else to say.
“This time--uhm they were uh--” my mind is malfunctioning drawing that dreaded gray screen with the eerie noise as I’m trying to think of anything plausible to say. C’mon just make something up.
“Saying that---er---” we stop in front of the Karaoke place with Hadou and Yuyu already inside probably reserving our room. I look around trying to think of anything to say and that’s when my eyes fall at his face and then his hair, glistening under the orangey yellows of the setting sun. That’s it!
“Your hair!” I yell without thinking.
“My what??” he tilts his head in confusion and honestly Mirio, ditto because I, too have no idea where I am going with this. “You guys were talking about my hair?”
“Well just hair in general and uhhh--- you know like the length of it” I try to keep it vague until a reasonable idea pops up in my head, but Mirio saves me before I find something ridiculous to say.
“Were you guys talking about that time I had to grow out my hair for my hero costume again?” Mirio supplies accompanied by a very unimpressed head shake.
“Yeahh!!! Totally was. Sorry it just came up and--”
“You were defending my honor? It’s okay Tamaki. I know I looked silly with the long hair” he laughs, humming that rapunzel song everyone sang for the rest of week. You know the one about the lights and the haze--fog lifting? “But I really miss flipping it back and making everyone laugh! Those were my prime days” Mirio snickers tapping his foot to the beat of the Rapunzel song.
“That was pretty funny and I actually like your hair long” I comment, happy to just get the topic flowing into another direction.
“Magi?” Mirio looks up from the plastic bag of food he’s holding and his blue eyes brighten in surprise.
“Well not Rapunmirio long, but like---um--- you know when we were in middle school and you grew it out?” I elaborate, wanting to laugh at his bewildered expression, but also unsure why it’s making my insides squirm and feel too damn warm.
“Rapunmirio! Haha, that’s good! And no way!! I thought everyone said it looked weird” Mirio brushes me off, probably thinking I was being too nice again.
“I don’t think you could ever look weird” is suppose to be a nice compliment to prove to Mirio that I’m being serious. Instead, what comes out of me sounds loaded and like i’ve broken some barrier that no one should ever break between friends. Bros. So, naturally that’s when I decided it’s best for me to never speak ever again.
“Hey guys, they got us the room!” Nejire yells probably making her way down the steps and waving us over.
Still terrified to look up, I keep my head down and stare at Mirio’s white sneakers instead. His feet are brawny and long, mirroring his stocky built that seems to get more pronounced with each passing day. He’s no longer tapping them to any beat, but are still close enough that I think he isn’t too weirded out by me. I can’t really tell for sure without actually looking at his face, which I will never do unless I wanted to die right there.
“Oh c’mon! Stop being so platonically in gay for each other for one second and let’s get this Nobody’s tradition started!!” Yuyu is now yelling as well, making my heart skydive to the bottom of the ground and my stomach feel like it is being compressed into half of its size. Platonically in gay for each other. Oh god, I’m gonna be sick.
“Not to be party pooper or anything because you know I love a good laugh, but I don’t think it’s fair to tease Tamaki about these things” Mirio stuns us into silence and I fight the urge to look up at him.
“It’s definitely making him more distressed than usual and he’s probably questioning everything he’s ever done right now. Him and I are good friends” Mirio wraps his arm around me in a tight one-sided embrace to prove his point, which unfortunately makes me feel infinitely worse. “And it’s kind of weird that we can’t treat each other nicely the way two girls can” he continues and man, I really need to start breathing before I turn purple. And also, wow? Mirio, where did that even come from?
It’s Yuyu’s turn to feel sheepish and I can tell she’s ashamed because she hands Hadou her drink, quickly runs over to us and gives us a full on 90 degree bow. “Oh shit. I’m so sorry! I was always teasing you both, especially you, Tamaki because you get so flustered and it’s absolutely adorable, but I didn’t realize I was going too far... I’m really sorry guys. I know I can be a bit hard on the edges and relentless, but I never ever meant to make you feel weird-awful about it” she slowly straightens her body and meets our gazes. I can tell she feels really shitty about it because her eyes are getting watery, which in the year that I’ve known her has never happened before.
Not comfortable with most people crying in front of me, especially when it comes to girls because well-- I’ve only ever encountered it twice and both times I didn’t really have to do anything. My sister usually throws things or yells at me for looking at her when she’s doing it. Meanwhile Hadou usually cheers herself up before we even need to or Mirio says something witty and she laughs right away. Thus, I am not equip when dealing with women in tears even with both my sister and Hadou as practice or maybe that’s exactly the reason why. Nevertheless, the sight of Yuyu like this is beyond off-putting and I know I have to do something before I cause her anymore distress.
“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself Yuyu-san. We know you meant no harm” I force myself to look at her without breaking eye contact for five seconds and place my hand on her shoulder.
“Exactly! I just wanted you to know in case you didn’t realize how it was affecting Tamaki. And we’re only human right? We make mistakes and sometimes even to our friends, but we know you and understand that you would never mean it in that way!” Mirio fits both of us soundly in his burly arms and squeezes us in a hug wayyyy too tight and warm. I stretch my arm out to save our drinks in the tray and feel the bag of food brush up against my back.
Yuyu nods her head and Hadou chooses that moment to truly break the rather abrupt turn of events by wind slapping all three of us. “Did I not say no more crying between us???” she shakes her head and Yuyu laughs in between sniffling.
“No. Well, not with me at least and I understand what you guys are saying. I’m just disappointed with myself and how I never considered how you guys felt about it” she says with a small smile. “But thank you Mirio for pointing it out and thank you both for dealing with me. I promise to stop making comments about your friendship! It’s healthy and actually pretty amazing. And yes Nejire, I’ll stop sniffling before you slap us again” she looks at us with a determined glint in her eyes and makes a show of wiping her tears away, so Hadou doesn’t get any ideas.
“Alright!! Let’s get this tradition going and start off the night with the real musical genius of UA, AMAJIKI TAMA--” Mirio announces with vigor and excitement like Present Mic does every Sports Festival, and I turn my head at him in horror. Oh No NO no. I am not singing. My eyes scream at him and he exaggerates the next syllable he’s about to say, while not breaking eye contact with me.
“KI’S BEST FRIEND MIRIOOOOO TOGATA!” he saves, flexing his arms and wiggling his eyebrows at me again. Hadou and Yuyu laugh like they knew he was going to do this all along and I feel extra silly for not seeing that coming.
“Mirio you can’t tell Yuyu to stop teasing me and then do the exact same thing right after” I point out and nudge him with my elbow.
He stops flexing his arms and wraps his left arm around my neck instead. “Roger that, best bro!” he brightens, smile so wide and sunny that my stomach lurches completely winded. Once again, I can’t talk for I fear something excruciatingly embarrassing will come out of my mouth, so I just let him drag me up the stairs and into our room feeling unsettled by how not irritated I actually am.
🎤🎤🎤
Before long, Hadou and Yuyu fuss around with the remote and the speaker settings while Mirio turns on all the disco and strobe lights available. I unpack the aluminum covering our chicken combo and set four plates out along with our chopsticks. I open the lid of our sides, one large white rice, one large fried rice, one large potato wedges and one large macaroni and cheese.
The smell does a glorious thing to all the movement around me, and when I blink my eyes open the three of them huddle along the small table in the room, salivating.
“I know I said I was gonna sing first, but mannnn that chicken smells too damn good to pass on” Mirio takes the seat next to me and takes his chopsticks in hand. Hadou already takes a bite of the potato wedges and Yuyu starts taking some of the fried rice into her plate.
We eat in continued silence, except for the default music that comes with the strobe lights. Yuyu goes out to the front to get us some drinks after we gulped ours down outside due to their ‘no outside drinks policy’ and Mirio takes another huge bite of his third drumstick. Hadou loves cheese and has been munching on the mac and cheese, while I’ve had a little bit of everything.
When Yuyu comes back the guy working at the front comes with her with a large pitcher of soda and plastic cups. Yuyu on the other hand, has four different sets of colored wigs in her hands, a tambourine and sunglasses. Mirio laughs at the sight of the comedian blue wig (completely bald in the middle, but with hair at the sides) and we play Janken (rock paper scissors) to see who will wear what.
We assign the overall winner with the green mohawk wig, then the second place with the neon pink troll wig, the third place with the red pigtails in floating in the air and the last place with the comedian blue wig.
The first round is me vs Yuyu and Hadou vs Mirio. We wipe our hands with the hand sanitizer I bring with me everywhere and then set out to start our mini tournament. I take a deep breath and Yuyu and I start as Mirio and Hadou do the same next to me. After three tries of choosing the same hand, I beat Yuyu’s rock with my paper. Hadou and Mirio play a little longer, but Hadou rises to the challenge and beats Mirio’s scissors with her rock.
Mirio and Yuyu’s shoulders droop down as they realize the mess they’ll have to wear and Hadou and I hi-five each other. The second round ends pretty quickly for both of our teams and I win in the first play beating Hadou’s paper with my scissors. Meanwhile Mirio stumbles in dead last as his scissors get blocked by Yuyu’s rock.
After we finish most of the chicken, we pack the trash into the plastic bag we had the food in, and left the large side of potato wedges and two bits of chicken wings on a spare plate. Hadou busies herself with putting on a bunch of songs and Yuyu sets out to place the comedian blue wig on Mirio. It’s a bit tight and Mirio tries to run away at first, but there’s really nowhere for him to go, especially with Hadou blocking the door, and me and Yuyu holding him down.
I don’t think I’ve ever laugh so much in my life, but Mirio’s half-assed get away and refusal to wear the wig makes it all the more hilarious. I manifest two long chicken wings to trap him because my own arms could never engulf him fully. Yuyu takes that chance to adjust the wig just right, so it hides most of his blonde hair. When she finishes despite Mirio trying to shake her off, we stare at him for 5 seconds before hitting the floor in shock and disbelief. He looks absolutely ridiculous in every possible way and my stomach hurts so bad from laughing at the sight of him.
He tries to flip the blue shoulder length hair getting stuck on his cheeks and Hadou drops the remote from shaking too hard. Mirio turns slightly pink with a particularly goofy smile and when Yuyu hands him a mirror to see what he looks like, he makes a horrified face at his own reflection. We start dying immediately and soon after he joins us on the floor laughing.
Getting Yuyu to put on the red pigtails was not a problem at all, in fact she does it all by herself meanwhile Mirio swings his blue hair back and forth and sings to Barbie girl with the appropriate Ken and Barbie voice. The sight is so funny, I take a video of the whole song despite the small amount of memory I have left on my phone. Then, Yuyu helps Hadou put her long hair in a bun and place the neon pink troll wig on her head. It’s pointless because there’s only so much hair the wig can hide and she ends up leaving her hair down and placing the wig on top.
It’s the most perplexing sight, but Hadou is in her element. She takes the second mic abandoned on the table and tries to belt the notes with Mirio. However, she’s basically screaming with her eyes closed that I can’t actually call it singing. Meanwhile, I just shake the tambourine around, happy to be here and not have to sing at all.
When Yuyu’s favorite song comes on, Mirio hands the mic over to her and her raspy voice gets even raspier when she sings. She gets most of the notes right, which makes Hadou’s screaming less apparent. Mirio takes this time to get the green mohawk wig and arranges it neatly on my head. He’s concentrating so hard with his tongue sticking out at the corner of his lip that I don’t think he’s realize how funny I look.
Hadou finally opening her eyes at the end of the song turns over at us and takes a couple of shots before bursting into a fit of giggles. Yuyu follows suit and Mirio finally looks at me properly and falls back from laughing. I feel the flush suffuse to my cheeks and neck, but for the first time I’m not really embarrassed. I guess this is how Mirio feels when he has successfully made everyone laugh because of some silly thing he did.
“Man we need photos of this! C’mon I’ll put my phone on timer!” Yuyu moves the table aside and stands in front of the couch. She raises her phone, trying to find the best angle that will fit all four of us, while Hadou and Mirio adjust themselves accordingly, so they can be seen and still have room for me to get into the frame.
“OOOh!! Okay this seems to be the best angle. Alright everyone do funny faces!” She calls out and presses the power button which starts the timer at 10 seconds. It blinks 9. 8. 7. I look at Hadou crossing her eyes and sticking out her tongue. Meanwhile, Mirio makes a fishy face with his hands covering his ears and his thumbs sticking out. I glance over at the camera and Yuyu has her mouth slightly ajar as she looks up and has the whites of her eyes peeking out.
3. 2. 1. Not really knowing what to do, I open my mouth wide and stick my head back just in time for the camera to make a loud clicking noise followed by the flash. Yuyu takes the camera down to change the settings of the camera and Hadou laughs at our faces.
“Okay I think we should do 5 seconds this time. Let’s do a rock band pose!” She yells and with that the chaos ensues. Hadou sits on her legs on the couch and does an air guitar pose. Mirio grabs the microphone and screams inaudibly like he’s hit the climactic part of the song. Yuyu uses her right hand to act like she’s smashing on piano keys and I make a run to the grab the chopsticks in the bag, but I don’t make it in time. So, what appears in the photo is a blurry patch of my hair making me seem like I’ve traveled through time. Everyone laughs at my fail and we try a second time with me in the photo this time and pretending to play the drums.
We do a couple more of poses in between actually singing and Mirio keeps us at the edge of our seats when he decides to belt into his favorite rock ballads. Hadou, Yuyu and I share impressed glances as he seriously tackles the intensity of this one particularly heart breaking song. He’s clutching his chest tightly, words hitting close to home and it makes me ache to do something about it. I take my eyes off him, needing a distraction and notice the stray tear Hadou wipes away from her eyes, despite her warning us to stop crying.
His eyes are closed for most of the song, having already memorized each and every word along with all the rifts the original artist makes, and by the time it’s over we clap and cheer so loud, Mirio reddens in the best way.
“HOLY FUCK TOGATA! WHEN THE HECK DID YOU LEARN TO SING LIKE THAT?” Yuyu shakes the tambourine at him and Hadou slaps his arm.
“Forrealll! Maybe you should be the one competing at the beauty contest! You’d definitely win with that kind of talent!” Hadou keeps slapping his arm in excitement and my stomach ties into infinite knots as he chuckles softly and scratches the back of his head, a little shy and embarrassed.
“Oh geez! You guys just want me to flip my hair again!” He jokes to lighten their zeal, but they’re shoving the microphone back into his hands and entering another song into the machine for him to sing.
“ENCORE ENCORE ENCORE!” Hadou and Yuyu harmonize for once and Mirio sits back down next to me, absolutely overwhelmed by their tenacity. But he gives them what they want and soon, we all sing to a bunch of our childhood pop tunes.
Even I find myself singing softly underneath Hadou’s yelling, Yuyu’s raspy rocker voice and Mirio’s spellbinding singing. I know they can hear me because they suddenly have stopped singing so loud, but the lack of comment gives me courage to continue on and share this moment with them.
🦋🦋🦋
We come home late that day because Mirio and I walk Hadou and Yuyu home, both to make sure they’re safe and also to prolong the inevitable family reunion. I know we’re all thinking it, but we pass the time with more teasing and pose reenactments from the earlier karaoke mess. It’s light and funny and by the time Mirio drops me off with another tight hug, I don’t feel as bad as I know I should.
When I open the front door to my house, my family tries their best to act normal. My mom even attempts at scolding me for coming home after curfew, but it sounds forced and like she thinks I’ll break any minute. My dad just silently prepares me some hot tea and my sister keeps her door open in case I want to come in to her room and not be alone.
It’s weird because I know I should feel sad and disappointed, but the me now isn’t really feeling sad at all. All I can think about is how fun it was to sing with the gang and how close we actually have gotten within a year. It’s like we’ve poured all our misery away and there’s nothing left, but all the good memories we made afterwards. But my house feels like it’s 7 hours behind, bringing me back to the time I was still hiding in the classroom and letting my mind get the better of me. Torn between letting it go or letting it sit on my mind, I take a nice long shower and not think about anything at all.
By the time I’m out of the shower, I see all the notifications Yuyu has sent to our group chat and wipe my hair dry before climbing into bed. I click on our chat and a bunch of our group selfies show up. I look at each one and laugh so hard I choke on my own saliva. There’s one with Yuyu, Hadou and Mirio posing like Charlie’s Angels that just melts the last bits of uncertainty in my mind.
Hadou and Mirio send their stolen moments as well and I do the same, checking off the four photos I manage to take. Then, I spot the video of Mirio flipping his hair back and forth to Barbie Girl and the encore love song he sings to appraise Hadou’s dying request. Just thinking about the way he fills each line with such agony and passion makes me feel funny again. But, before I think myself out of it, I press play anyway and fall asleep to the thought of how it would actually feel to be in love.
Part 1 2 3 of 5
I LIVEEE. lol. I know it’s been a hot minute, but I kinda fell into a funk and the first few drafts for this chapter felt too forced to continue. So, I took a break and started doodling around. And before I knew it, the itch to continue the story came and this long chappie was made. As always, I’d love to hear from you guys and hope you enjoy this next installment. Thank you very much and I hope you guys have a wonderful holiday season🎄
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Quiet, that was what he preferred. It gave him the stillness he desired to let his mind wander. As time progressed and years passed, it seemed as though Dorian let himself get trapped in his mind for longer periods of time than ever before. Memories... all of the memories would filter through and sometimes, he would wonder, just how he hadn’t gone insane just yet. The immortal wanted to remember everything from his past, but it would never be plausible or possible. It was why he carried so many trinkets to trigger the significant memories. A small part of him wondered if he had forgotten something or someone important along the way, especially in the beginnings when he had first started this journey of immortality. Perhaps it was why he was so very persistent on keeping things now and remembering. A part might have been missing and he never knew... so buried it was deep in the recesses of his mind.
Sitting alone in his study, listening to the heavy ticking of the clock would drive any man mad. That was his conclusion and he was spiraling... it seemed to be about time too. Five centuries of living would do that to any man with a soul... Did he even have a soul? Yes... he was certain he had one. It made him wonder further then, did it have an expiration date? His body certainly hadn’t, but perhaps his soul was waning. It could explain why he was changing, no longer carefree to the whims of his mind and body as he once was.
With his fingers pitched under his chin, he continued to search within himself, blinking only when his eyes burned. There had to be answers, he was searching for them... they had to be out there. And... and just maybe they lay at the fingertips of one man in particular. One being who lacked a soul, who lacked the mortality that Dorian himself felt he no longer possessed. Perhaps... perhaps...
It was always a perhaps, a maybe, a what if... Blake warned him and told him over and over again, time after time to stop living in those moments, but Dorian felt he needed to ponder upon them. He needed to know, he couldn’t continue to stumble about his life so blindly without understanding. He felt... he felt as if he had finally found a purpose. One that would drive him to his end if he didn’t clearly comprehend what was going on. Blake had become his answer and his ending and it would never cease to terrify Dorian.
How could it be... that a Demon, someone who was just like the source of his predicament, was what the mortal man sought? It confounded him to no end. It made no sense... That he would seek to live the rest of his life with one who could not even begin to love him. The word felt like a bitter slip of medicine on his tongue. Love was something so... destitute, so craved in this world... how could he ever deserve or create it? His time should have expired long ago along with his allowance of love and all of it’s thralling adventures. Yet... her he was, on the precipice... staring down at the bottom and there was nothing but Blake and his inevitable smile.
It tore at Dorian, tore him from the inside out. There was no way around it, no way through it, no way over it. He was stuck... at a crux of his long, arduous life and... and yet he wanted nothing more than to stay. To feel those electrifying touches, to stop questioning, to just indulge as he had done his entire existence. He wanted to become a glutton, to drink all of the affection that was given to him and to feast on the attention provided. The feeling was like one he had never known before... exciting and terrifying.
Maybe it was because... because Dorian knew if Blake chose it, they could truly last an eternity together. There would be no running away. There wouldn’t have to be an end... it could be an endless summer of hazy pleasure and kindred minds. But.... but it would grow old. It would wither and waste away and Dorian, the poor tender hearted immortal, wasn’t sure if he could stand that. Could he carry a love for someone who would never return the emotion for the rest of forever? Could he provide that... even a fraction of that to someone who could grow bored just like he has done time and time again in the past?
Dorian felt... it was once impossible. But something... something wild and mystical about the Demon had imprinted on his soul and he was changed. He was different. No longer did he walk away without feeling the empty ache. No. It hurt... It made him weep at what he was giving up. All of the memories... all of the lives, it meant nothing if he couldn’t feel that warmth and security and it all made him feel pathetically weak and mortal. If Blake knew, if he only knew a fraction of his fragile soul... he would never stay. Dorian was irreparable. Too much time having past for it to heal properly. It was worth nothing, dusty and old like many of his possessions... a relic of the past that lay forgotten at the back of a cupboard. What would the Demon ever truly want with a mere mortal man who had nothing to offer but attention and companionship? It would become boring... maybe not immediately, but eventually... eventually it would.
That was Dorian’s reasoning. His reason to keep running away and hiding, but he wasn’t sure his heart... his mind... his soul could take much more of it. Blake provided something for him that he hadn’t ever felt or comprehended before... So perhaps... perhaps even if the inevitability was there, it would be worth it when his existence was wiped away. At least he would have loved properly and fully... at least once.
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Missing you comes in waves, and today? Well, today, I’m drowning.
You see, I’m a believer. I believe in the unknown, the lost, the unexplainable - I believe in the facts, the evidence, and the proof. And it wasn’t until you that I learned that I too, am a believer - in things that I don’t believe in myself. I’ll never know what it was, or rather, is about you. What it is that comes with such force, that is so magnetic that no matter what I do I am overwhelmed by the feeling that my soul is intertwined with yours; bound together in the intricate tapestry that is life. Maybe in another destiny, you were mine. In another world, we managed to find each other and collide with enough force to send waves as far as the eye could see and as far as the heart could feel. But that’s just the thing, isn’t it? That’s in another life.
Another fate. Another world that is not ours, now. It wasn’t yesterday, and in my heart, I know that that won’t be our tomorrow, either. The way I see it, is that, this...us, or the lack thereof - was a completely undeniable miracle. In you, I finally found everything that I had ever dared to dream. I found the kind of wanting, the kind of needing I had always longed to feel...the way that you wanted to know me touched me in the deepest parts of my soul, parts that I didn’t even know that I was missing; until I stumbled across you. But in you, I found pain. I learned the true meaning of torment, the true sensations that are grief and discomfort. In you, I found out what it felt...to be worthless. Because nothing makes me happier, and nothing makes me sadder than you.
You are intoxicating. The words you speak are symphonies to my painfully silent heart and the way that you touch me is electric; I can feel every atom of your very being coursing through my veins and our hearts beating as one. One damaged, broken and fractured heart, that has seen the horrors of the world more than we would like to admit, finally at peace having found some solstice in this cruel, uncaring world. Your kisses are like that first shot of vodka on a cold Autumn night; painfully sharp, yet smooth. The memory imprinted in the back of your throat, burning your tonsils with such a callous, yet comforting embrace and your smile? Well, your smile is as soothing as finally crawling in to your favourite hoodie, the night after getting a little too friendly with those abrasive vodka shots...you draw me in, and then you push me away, with such an ease that I can’t help but believe that this is second nature to you.
You found me at a time in my life where I was vulnerable. Left to feel alone, unloved and hopeless, in a world that I had only just learned was so much bigger than I could have ever known. You swept me off my feet with the words that I yearned to hear, the relentless compliments a hurricane inside my head and with each and every one I picked myself up, piece by piece, and dusted off my broken parts. You helped me; you nourished me just enough to feel like I was worthy of putting myself back together and I repaid you with a cruel, and bitter ending to our chapter in the book of life.
I tore through the pages, frantically flicking through each and every one of them to see if there was any sort of plot hole that I could mend and fashion to fit our love story that we could continue the way we left off, but that wasn’t to be, was it? I had done enough damage to you, the very person that promised you she never would, to entirely alter our path. A path that was once so hopeful, so new, so exciting, had gone on to form the beginning of what would be so toxic, so painful and so destructive...our once freshly tarmaced, picturesque road had become a winding, treacherous dirt lane interlaced with dense thorn bushes, ditches deep enough to break an ankle on the slightest miscalculation and above all...an lingering dark cloud, which served as a reminder of love lost.
I came back to you. I came back to you every single time and I will continue to come back to you for the rest of my life. Because in you, for reasons I may never know - I found what felt like home, and everywhere I had never been, all at once. I crave your presence, I internally cry out to have deep intellectual conversations with you; the ones that I have missed, because frankly, nobody else will ever fill the void that my soul is trying to mend of you. I lust after waking next to you, your eyes filled with sleep from the night before and your voice croaking as you reach for me and embrace me in your arms...I ache for the feeling of peacefulness that only you can provide. You were the one that came with no warning. The love that took control of my soul and refused to relinquish me back to this depressing plane of reality that we call home. You were the love that showed me that I marginally preferred messy people, the unconventional, the ones that said fuck you to the rule book and yet so strongly followed their moral compass at the same time...and the truth? Well, the truth is that I wasn’t ever ready to say goodbye to you.
I know, now. That this...us...we, are past the point of repair. I know that I serve no purpose in your life and my feelings have no standing because I am simply a dot in the map that is your entire existence. No matter what my heart wants to say, my head knows that you aren’t thinking of me, you aren’t missing me and that the weight I held in your life is so miniscule compared to the weight you still hold in mine - but fuck. There is nothing in this universe that is heavier than the absence of you. Naively, a part of me still thinks that if I can find the right words that it will save us but for the first time in my life...I am entirely mute. I am at war with myself, trying to figure out how to get over someone who was never mine, but mostly...who to blame when you’ve broken your own heart?
I know, foolishly, that my soul will bear the weight of you for as long as I wake in the morning. My heart will ache for every fibre of your being for the rest of my life. But for whatever reason; in whatever chapter of this life; I still continue to unreservedly adore you with everything I have. Because at this point, missing you invokes a peacefulness in me that is unmatched to any other peace that I know...because it has become so common.
I would always go back, if I could. Just to be with you one last time; to feel your skin on mine for just one more second; and I promise that if I ever manage to find the words to fix this, I will not hesitate to scream them from the rooftops so that everyone knows that I am taking responsibility for so heartlessly crushing something that was flourishing so beautifully.
I have always been, and I always will be, forever yours. - T
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