#in school and to also have ppl expecting emotional labor in multiple places but then also it feels like ppl r distancing themselves from u

[sonoflucis-archive]

This is long af and honestly really really deeply personal and highly opinionated. This is about love, but it’s a hard love. It’s the love I learned from Angrboda, mother of monsters like me. Some love is sharp and has teeth. Insisting that love is only soft and sweet is a disservice to everyone who has lived the experience that that is not always true. 

warning for mention of sexual assault. Nothing graphic, just referring to a point in time when things happened. 

I went through hell to become who I am today. To have control of my thoughts, of my reactions. 

I went from being in a situation where I was literally tortured ( ah yes, I was reminded of a lot of things when you asked me where that scar on my back came from. Some of them have fun stories attached. That one doesn’t ) and literally sexually abused for anything I might have done when I pissed my partner off (he bragged to my ex-bff about raping me when I upset him. I was with him for almost six years), to being passed around multiple partners as a glorified concubine who there was never enough of ( but they all needed more, more, more to feel that I really loved them--) to being told that my hypersexuality meant I’d never have long-term relationships (which I already have) to... this. 

I get to decide what “better” is. I get to decide what love looks like when I give it. And I do give it. I have a huge amount of love in me. Tbh? I’m probably like 80% ARO. I’m pretty homosexual but prefer other trans/genderweird ppl as partners. The fact that I’m ARO af and see no point or necessity in separating kinds of love shouldn’t diminish mine. My personal code and beliefs come before anyone. No one, even my soulmates get put ahead of that code and my duty to what I MUST do. That is something I make pretty clear about myself, I think. 

I have romantic notions. In fact, I am so fixated on them that they’re virtually all I can write about. That is largely because of the fact that it’s not something I experience much for myself. 

The way I see it? I love everyone who is good to me at a baseline level. I love and respect their humanity. Your youness, your autonomy is literally holy to me. If you are someone who I talk with regularly, or occasionally share something I found for because I thought you’d like it? I love you. Especially if you’re someone who I just enjoy existing with. I don’t want or need anything from people. I just want to coexist and laugh together. That’s literally all I need. The only thing that separates that from being with me in a “relationship” sense is the conformation, the choice, the esoteric importance of words and language that will re-frame that love. 

And that’s it really: I see most loves as the same, though every relationship looks different (and honestly should). I can tell you that at any given time I’m dating my best friends. They are my best friends first and foremost. Always. I don’t see any sort of problem with having a sexual relationship with a friend, or a non-sexual relationship with a lover. I don’t give a single shit about what a relationship is “supposed” to be or look like. In my reality, in the bubble of space-time that I inhabit, I don’t have any understanding of “rules” for that and I don’t want to. I experience love without limits.

I want to be free, and I want the people I love to be free. I will NEVER ask you to fill the holes in me, though everyone runs into weakness and slips up sometimes. You can’t really do that (demanding) without devouring others. I have always believed that “Suffering and compromise is love!!” stuff is bullshit. Yeah, you have to work to work things out, but you also have to have your own shit in hand. The moment you feel entitled to someone’s emotional labor I think you’ve gone too far-- and no, you don’t get a free pass. You shouldn’t be suffering with the person you love long-term, or demanding they do the work for you. 

There are times when my brain is screaming; voices, hallucinations, you name it-- but I don’t show it outside of a placidity or a need to sleep it off. in those moments, I think: If I don’t get fucked, fucked up, or bleed RIGHT NOW I’m going to die. But I don’t. In those moments, I could make the undignified choice to seek those things out- outside of my sphere of safety,and sometimes I slip up and fall off of the wagon-- but I do my best to choose not to. It is NO ONE’S job to provide me with the kind of attention I want, no matter how much I want it. It’s great when I do get it,but it means fucking nothing if it has to be forced. It means nothing if it’s an obligation. It means nothing if it’s something only offered because you’re afraid of losing your person. Acts of sacrifice are well and good, but they should never be the basis of your love. If they are, you end up with nothing to give. You end up a thrall to what you love. That mentality fucked me up so bad that to this day, I still don’t know how to show romantic affection outside of surrender. Sitting at someone’s feet. Making their meals and caring for them in the places their parents’ should’ve taught them to care for themselves. Literally offering my body as an act of worship. These are the only things I know, though I like to think my repertoire is growing. 

I believe that I am good and worthy. I have fought, bled, and suffered through HELL to earn that. I like myself. I like who I am, and my beliefs are firm. I refuse to be punished for that. They were not handed to me; they are not based on emotion, but on logic and careful self examination. They are not built on a me-centric view of the world, but in respecting everyone around me’s humanity and worth. My beliefs are firm not because they were handed to me by my caregivers, but because I had to build them from the scraps of my world through careful trial and re-trial. I will always believe that my code, my honor, my strength is better than something built out of fear and knee-jerk reactions. 

Just as much as I respect and love and uplift those that call me friend, I am a double edged sword. I will cut out poison quickly and viciously. No plague on the tree of my world will be allowed to survive for long. 

As I came out of high school I developed the framework that would keep me alive for another decade. Three rules: 

1: Have no secrets that you wouldn’t tell your mother/most respected person/significant other. I may have a hard time communicating, but I never purposefully hide anything. It’s really as simple as that, and the rule casts a vicious bright light: If there’s something you want to do that you’d keep secret ask yourself why. It will teach you everything you need to know: Are you ashamed of it? If so is it merely a matter of ego or is it genuinely something you would consider wrong? Are you afraid that they will attack you for it due to a disagreement on that morality? If so, reconsider the level of trust or reliance you’ve assigned to that relationship... no matter how painful that might be. If it comes back to your own embarrassment: Work on it in yourself. Examine it. Force yourself to face it. Do battle with it. Always be honest and you won’t have to keep track of any lies. 

2: Never stop walking. It’s okay to cry, but not to sit down and stop moving towards your inevitability. You’re a shark. If you stop swimming you’re as good as dead. Cry while you walk. Mourn with your whole heart but don’t stop. 

3: Expect nothing. You are entitled to nothing from no one. You are born alone and you die alone. Remember that in those times you will be your only company. Learn to like it, or you will suffer. 

I know what I’m doing, and I know that I have to keep moving forward, regardless of anyone staying with me. No one has to understand for me to be on the path that I chose, that I was meant to walk. I remain a Warrior of Light. That crown is mine and mine alone to bear as it has been before and will be again.